__C_h_opter Fourteen

INFP

INFPs Chose the Following Preferences:

Extraversion. . . . . . . . .. ENERGIZING ••••••.•••• IntroversionSensing · ATTENDING •••••••••.••• iNtuitionThinking. . . . . . . . . . . . . . DECIDING •••••••••••••••• FeelingJudgment .. · . · · · · · · · · · · · LIVING ••.•.••••••••• Perception

In general, INFPs focus deeply on their values, and they devotetheir lives to pursuing the ideal. They often draw people togetheraround a common purpose and work to find a place for eachperson within the group. They are creative, and they seek newideas and possibilities. They quietly push for what is important tothem, and they rarely give up. While they have a gentlenessabout them and a delightful sense of humor, they may be some-­what difficult to get to know and may be overlooked by others.They are at their best making their world more in line with theirinternal vision of perfection.

LIVING

INFP children often create their own fantasy world and live verymuch within it. They may daydream about what is important tothem, and sometimes others wonder if they are in touch withreality. They often get lost in their thoughts and books, and maydevelop a special ability in communicating, such as writing.

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They are somewhat reserved, especially in new situations, andthey may not even like telling others their names, although theyfeel special when someone else unexpectedly remembers theirs.As a kindergartner, an INFP was called by his father's name,Don. His real name was John, but rather than speak up andpossibly offend his teacher, he decided Don was close enough. Itwas two months into the school year, at the first parent.. teacher

.conference, that the mistake was uncovered.INFPs decide early on what is important to them, what is of

value. They tend to rely on themselves for direction and arereticent to ask others for help. They would rather do thingsthemselves, to make sure they are done properly. INFPs havefound this to be both a strength and a curse. Depending only onthemselves and being careful not to show mistakes to others isimportant. One INFP child was curious about the meaning ofthe D.C. in Washington, D.C. She was sure that everyone elseknew and that she should know also. Having grown up in Brook..lyn, she pondered a while and then decided D.C. meant "DaCapitol. "

As teens, INFPs may have a bit of a rebellious streak. Theymay argue with those who hold different values than they do.They are also likely to have a small, close set of friends withwhom they share good times. In the comfort of those closerelationships, they can relax and are often quite entertaining,since they see the world in a different and special way. Theirsense of humor is readily apparent. However, unless an INFPfinds an appreciation for his or her uniqueness and personalvalues, he or she may feel like an odd person out. One INFPfound a niche for himself in a group of "wild" teens. Theiractivities, such as soaping windows, were uncomfortable for himsince they were not part of his value system. He discovered that,through being the "lookout," he could help his friends withoutbeing directly destructive to others.

When they set their minds on things, INFPs are not likely togive up easily, yet because of their outward gentleness, they donot show their determination. They may not take a direct path,but somehow they reach their dreams. One seventeen..year ..oldINFP has his heart set on buying a 1931 Model A Ford as his first

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car. (His choice already mirrored his unusual tastes, since hispeers were more interested in Ford Mustangs.') After searching,he found a Model A for $650. His more practical father thoughtthat the price of the car was too high-$600 was the top price heshould pay. Without his father's knowledge, the INFP called theowner, suggesting that he pay him $50 in advance and the rest ofthe money upon purchase. The INFP took his father to meetwith the owner, $600 was exchanged for the car, and all werepleased. The INFP was delighted because he got the car withoutcreating a direct family ruckus. INFPs try to get what they wantbut will strive to have others feel good about it.

As young adults, INFPs may have some difficulty finding theideal career and the ideal mate, in part because of that very word"ideal." They have a vision in mind of what they want, yetreality may not follow suit. They may make several starts andstops in their career until they find a comfortable place forthemselves. One INFP drifted from one job to another; at theage of 33, she was teaching skiing. Her students kept marvelingabout her teaching skills, a profession she had never evenconsidered. She went back to college for a teaching degree andthen to graduate school, specializing in small group work. Even...tually she became interested in the concept of quality circlesbecause they helped people feel good about themselves and theirwork. (Quality circles are made up of people at all levels in anorganization; their purpose is to improve the product and workenvironment.) She became an expert in this field, trainingleaders and championing employee... involvement programs.

INFPs have a need for perfection in connection with theirpersonal values. They become frustrated with those who dwellon trivialities. One American INFP living in England tells thisstory about herself. "One night while I was dining with a friendin a restaurant, my friend looked across the table at me and, withmild irritation said, 'Oh, I see you haven't learned to eat theBritish way yet.' I had not even been aware that there was a'British way to eat.' Apparently, when cutting meat, the Britishdo not switch their fork to their left hand and their knife to theirright hand; instead, they always hold the fork in their left hand,with the knife in the right. I was annoyed with my friend for

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suggesting that I change my behavior in observance of what Iperceived to be an utter triviality."

INFPs need a purpose beyond the paycheck. They becomeburned out easily if their job does not fit their value system; theymay not feel good enough about what they have achieved and,as a result, may undervalue themselves and their contributions.

In retirement, INFPs need to look back and feel that theyhave led a worthwhile life that has made a difference. They wanttime for a variety of activities, including travel. They may also bevery attached to their family and enjoy special visits with them.One INFP grandmother writes stories about her grandchildren'svisits to her, takes pictures of them, and makes personal bookletsfor each child. Her stories are exciting and dramatic bedtimeentertainment for her grandchildren.

LEARNING

INFPs learn best in flexible situations where they know theteacher takes a personal interest in them. They like to be able tointeract with their peers, but not too much so. They want to feelfree to dig into subjects that are of interest to them. Having bothflexibility and creativity rewarded is encouraging to them. Whilethey may not enjoy deadlines, if they value the assignment, theywill meet those deadlines. Deadlines may force INFPs to decidethat their work is "good enough" to turn in.

Subjects that hold a great deal of interest for them are learnedreadily. They will often do extra work in their attempt to learnas much as possible about something of interest. An INFP grad ..uate student got As in all the courses that were the most difficultfor others because she was interested in them. She received Bs inwhat were the snap courses for others, because they had lessmeaning for her and were therefore not so challenging.

INFPs usually read assignments carefully and then work theircreativity into the given framework of the assignment. Thus itmay appear that they did not pay careful attention to the detailsof the assignment in their reinterpretation. It is best if they haveteachers who appreciate their unique approach and who do nothold them to the letter of the law.

INFP

LABORING

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At work, INFPs contribute their creativity, their value system,and their ability to work with others. They are able to see thelarger picture and how specific programs fit in. They do not dwellon the trivialities or the details. Their job must be fun, althoughnot raucous, and it must be meaningful to them. They need astrong purpose in their work. They want to be recognized andvalued, without undue attention given to them. They maybecome embarrassed when made the center of attention. As aresult, they may undersell their strengths in order to avoid beingsingled out and made to feel conspicuous. They would ratherhave their worth be noticed gradually over time.

Work Setting

INFPs like to work with cooperative people committed to thesame values that they are. They can become bothered when theysee others working at cross purposes, especially when conflict isovert. They do not like competition or bureaucracy. They seewhat needs to happen in a broad sense and dislike dealing withred tape. They want some privacy and keep a lot to themselves,especially personal information. Calm and quiet appeal to them,as does time and space for reflection. People usually like workingwith INFPs even though they may not know them well.

Organizing Style

When tasks at hand are important and best done in an organizedway, INFPs strive to do so. At times, others are likely to callthem hopelessly disorganized. They may lose their keys or forgetappointments. Their errand running has no apparent sense oforder. It seems as if they go here and there "as the spirit movesthem." The INFP teacher may lay the chalk down one place inthe classroom and her notes in another, "losing" both while all

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the time delivering a wonderfully intriguing lecture.When they do minor household repairs, for example, INFPs

may continually lose important tools. If they start sortingthrough their tools, they are likely to discover five hammers,when one would have been sufficient. However, it is likely thatthe search for the hammer also turns up other things. Flexibilityand adaptability are characteristics of INFPs. In their quests,they may discover many new things to do or creative twists forsolving problems.

INFPs may keep objects because of sentimental attachmentand have difficulty parting with them. As a result, their atticsmay be full of things that are intriguing to them but that othersmay call junk. Because aesthetics may be important to them,they may move their files and bookshelves out of sight.

Practicality is not a driving force for INFPs. Things thattraditionally belong together may not be placed together becausethe INFP does not see it as necessary. One INFP kept the kitchengarbage pail on the back porch rather than by the sink, a morepractical location.

INFPs may have trouble finishing what they start because oftheir perfectionistic nature. When they do finish a project, theymay not consider it done "for good." Projects can always beimproved upon, revised, and reworked, and therefore INFPs findit hard to bring tasks to closure. Because they are able to visualizethe finished product long before it is done, the actual completionis of less importance.

Occupations

To perform well at work, individuals may need to use all of theeight preferences at the appropriate time and when required bythe situation. Knowing this, people tend to select occupationsthat allow them to use the preferences that are most natural tothem.

INFPs prefer occupations in which they can be involved inmaking the world better. Having their heart in their work isimportant to them. These occupations also allow for an elementof creativity and flexibility.

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While INFPs can and do enter all occupations, some are moreappealing to them than others. According to available research, 1

some occupations (in alphabetical order) seem to be especiallyattractive to INFPs: counselor, editor, education consultant,English teacher, fine arts teacher, journalist, psychologist, reli­gious educator, social scientist, social worker, teacher, writer,and other occupations that engage their values. These occupa­tions are not meant to be an exhaustive list but serve to illustratesome areas that an INFP might enjoy. If your specific occupationor one that you are interested in is not listed here, think insteadof its general characteristics and ask yourself how those fit withyour type.

LEADING

The INFP leadership style is subtle, gentle, indirect, andinclusive of others. INFPs do not confront people head-on, butrather work with them and through them to get the job done.Their style is not an aggressive one but is highly persistent; onlyreluctantly do INFPs assume leadership roles.

They lead with their values in mind, and these guide them.They prefer not to take a hands-on approach with others but toallow them to achieve in independent ways. They are facilitativerather than directive. They encourage others by appreciationand praise. Critiquing others does not come easily to them. OneINFP was continually disturbed by her neighbor constantlydisciplining his dog in an extremely loud voice. One day shegently asked her neighbor, "Is your dog deaf?" thereby makingher criticism in a subtle, indirect manner.

As leaders, INFPs may not confront situations directly, in partbecause they do not like conflict. Whenever possible, theywould rather wait for a situation to work itself out, since theytrust that people will work things through. Careful timing is veryimportant in their style. They are often able to wait out refusalsand objections from others, and eventually to find a way to getdone what they really want. They do not like following all therules and regulations, but they are not overtly rebellious. Theyseek to get things done in their own style.

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An INFP in a community service occupation listened intentlythrough many meetings to what others were saying. When itcame time for her to assume a leadership role, she chose herwords carefully, brought in much-needed humor, and made herpoints conceptually. Since she had not dominated earlier, otherswere quite willing to listen to her, to see her approach as a freshnew one, and to accept her leadership.

LEISURE

Leisure activities are very important to INFPs, but at times it isdifficult for them to separate work from play. The INFP architectmay continue drawing in his free time, helping out his family,friends, and neighbors. The INFP psychologist joins professionalorganizations in which she can continue her specialty.

When a new leisure pursuit is found, INFPs typically do a greatdeal of research. They may read many books and make severalphone calls to dig for information. One INFP felt that learningmore about his Scottish heritage would be interesting. This ledhim to a decision to buy the family tartan. Twenty-five booksand five phone calls later in his quest for information about kilts,he agonized over the details. To this INFP, having exactly theright kilt length, weight of cloth, and accessories, was exceed-­ingly important. He was developing an image, and he wanted tomake sure it was perfect. Once the interest in Scottish heritagewas well under way, he moved on to other pursuits. However,like most INFPs, his interest was not abandoned but rather wasslowly built upon. Energies are more involved with new activi-­ties, but the old ones are never forgotten. This is unlike someother types, who will completely change directions.

Many of the INFPs' leisure activities are done alone-reading,listening to music, and gardening are some activities likely toappeal to them. Reflection time and the opportunity to makesure things are right are important. INFPs often enjoy leisurepursuits with loved ones as well. When they want to be sociable,they can be exceedingly charming and outgoing. Their flexibil-­ity, gentleness, and sense of humor can make them quite popularin social situations.

INFP

LOVING

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For the INFP, love is a very deep commitment, and one that isnot easily attained. They have ideals, and therefore reality maybe carefully scrutinized. One INFP said, "I waited until I wasthirty before marrying and even then had misgivings about nothaving found perfection. I later discovered that I can contributeto that ideal, that I don't have to wait for it."

With their ideal firmly envisioned, the first date with thatspecial person is carefully planned and prepared for, and oftenevery aesthetic thing is taken care of. The flowers are in place,the right wine is ordered, and the proper meal is prepared. OneINFP, when he was ready to propose, decided he wanted to do soin a place that would be around for many years in the future. Hechose a prominent building and found an intimate comer in itsrestaurant. In this way, he could be assured that he would haveprivacy, yet that the memories would always be there, becausethe building would be there. He purchased a special porcelainbox in which to place the engagement ring, so that this toowould have special meaning; porcelain boxes could be given tohis partner on special occasions as a tradition. The ring was noordinary ring, but one that had been in the family for severalgenerations. All the details and the proper image were in place,not because the details were important but because personalinvestment in the pursuit of the ideal was the key. (Imagine thisINFP's consternation when his intended did not want to go outto dinner that evening.)

INFPs may have difficulty sharing their feelings about others.They keep so many of those feelings inside that they may forgetto tell their partner how much they love and appreciate them.They also need reminders of their partner's love.

When things go wrong in a relationship, the INFP takes it toheart but does not readily discuss it with others. They may not bewilling to communicate to let others know how they are feeling.When scorned, they are very hurt and may overreact in analmost maudlin way.

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LOSING OUT

Each type has the potential to overuse or abuse its preferences.This is likely to happen when individuals are under great stress orpressure. At these times, they may act in ways that are unliketheir usual style. The following paragraphs describe some of theways INFPs may lose out, in addition to some strategies that theycan use to get back on track.

One way INFPs may lose out is through focusing on theirdreams so strongly that they do not see others' points of view.They do not adjust their vision to the facts and the logic of thesituation. They may appear so out of touch that others maydescribe them as mystical. One INFP was sure she had the per ..feet system to solve the conflicts of the world. She kept pre ..senting her theory to others, emphasizing how important it wasfor everyone in the world to get along; but she never offeredpractical, realistic suggestions for how people could reach thatdesired state. As a strategy, INFPs may need to "reality check"with others to see if their dreams are useful in actuality and iftheir plans are workable. They may need to be more actionoriented and less reflective.

A second way INFPs may lose out is when they try to pleasetoo many people and hesitate to criticize others. They do not sayno to others' requests and, as a result, may take on too much.They may inadvertently send a message to people that they arein agreement with them, when in fact they disagree strongly.INFPs need to become aware that some people's needs areactually neglected instead of helped when they attempt to pleaseeveryone. INFPs need to develop more tough..mindedness andassertiveness, along with the skills of giving negative feedback.One INFP psychologist found leading assertiveness trainingworkshops for professionals to be good therapy for herself as well.

INFPs may delay completion of projects because they areholding out for perfection. They often spend too much timefocusing inward, relying on their own inner resources andthereby delaying action. The author of the Myers.. Briggs TypeIndicator, ™ Isabel Briggs Myers, was an INFP who delayed for

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more than thirty years publication of her most important work,Gifts Differing, because she wanted it to be a "perfect" represen­tation of type theory. As a result, her important message wasslow in reaching others. It was only when the ultimate "dead-­line" came-her impending death from cancer-that she de-­cided it was good enough to publish (but not without a lot ofhelp and persuasion by her son). As a strategy, INFPs need toinvolve others both for their encouragement and their view ofreality. INFPs can commit their ideas to public scrutiny, recog-­nizing that they may not be perfect but that something to startwith is better than nothing at all.

A final way INFPs may lose out is when they become overlycritical; with everything bothering them, they lash out at others.Everyone around them appears to be irresponsible and incompe-­tent. Concerned that her dinner party be perfect, an INFP maystart criticizing her spouse's attire, the cleanliness of the house,the dinner menu, and the way the table is set, even though shehad been involved in all of these things. She has lost her abilityto look at a situation logically and has let her negative self takeover. The criticisms do not come from logic but from somedeeply felt and not understood value. She and other INFPs insimilar situations may need to step back, relax, and let theirnatural appreciation come out, not their unnatural critiquing.

When INFPs are back on track, they are using their strengthsof valuing individual contributions, dreaming about the future,and genuinely helping others reach their ideals. They can betireless in the pursuit of their ideals.

IN A NUTSHELL

Hallmarks: 2

CompassionateVirtuousCommittedCreativeDevoted

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ReticentGentleAdaptableCuriousLoyalContemplativeEmpathetic

Acronyrn.?

I Never Find Perfection