If Voldemort Ran the World

By Heartdamoose

Disclaimer: The following masterpiece was highly based off of the genius work of Dr. Suess and his book If I Ran the Zoo. The following pictures and text (though some my own idea) are related to the original story. I’m just a writer having a bit of Voldemort fun…mwa ha ha…oh yeah. And if you are a bit squeamish, I suggest perhaps going to therapy after you read this. Or just don’t read it at all.

I’ll catch ‘em in countries

That no one can spell

Like the country of

Lotsa Full Evillers from Hel-ahem

In a country like that if I’m pretty clever,

I’ll catch the greatest beasts

You ever saw ever!

And then I’ll go to the swamps

Of Fellmucket

And capture a family of Lumps

In a bucket

They death eaters will say,

“Now I like that evil guy

His new world McWhirled World

Makes everyone cry.

He captures them wild

He captures them meek

He captures them slim

And none of them sleek

What do you suppose

He’ll catch by next week?”

Now every world needs bugs so I’ll capture a Lakail

Whose powers can summon an evil hail

And then I’ll go and capture some Puggs

Some muggle-shooter, mean-looter, bean-kooter bugs

I’ll go to the exotic Island of Latvia

With my tizzle-topped tufted bazooka

And I shall take that Hogwarts down

Once and for all

Even though Hogwarts isn’t in Latvia

There’s only a mall

But geography doesn’t matter

When the world is oh so nie

And I laugh when I give you all a goodbye

I’ll get a Gusset, a Gherkin, a Gasket

All which fear the Great Gootch made of plastic

And eight Persian Princes will carry the basket

And what their names are, I don’t care,

So you better not ask it

And in a cave in the arctic lives a beast called the Natch

That only people as evil as me can catch

He’s been hiding for years

In the sunlight and flowers

Stuck in a cave for hours and hours…

But I’ll get him out with a wonderful meal

Cooked up from the slaves—I mean cooks—

of my cooker-mobile

They’ll think of something Just to his taste

Like a meal dipped in muggle eyeball-paste

That’s sprinkled in brain, poached and fried

And topped with bugs that haven’t even died

It may be tricky to catch this Natch

But there is nothing that McWhirled World can’t catch.

I’ll bring

Back…

And people will say when

My beasts start mounding,

“This world ruler is just

Simply astounding!

He works so hard you think

he’ll just drop!

When you do you think he

Will ever stop?!”

Stop. . . ?

Well. . . I should,

But I won’t until

I’ve captured the licking-ma-hoozle-la-flinger- ma-kill

The world’s biggest assassin from the island of dirst

Who only eats vegans and I’ll catch him first

And man! When I get him working for me

The whole world will say,

“Run away and flee!

He’s got a beast that no one can kill

And it’s working for him

For only a bill!”

“WOW!” they’ll all cheer,

“It can’t get any worse

This guy’s got his hands

On the whole Universe!”

“Yes…

That’s what will unfurl,”

Laughed Voldie McWhirled

“I’d make a few changes

If I ruled the world.”