ICNY Center News

Center News Spring/Summer 2011

Center News

Spring/Summer 2011

“The Center is a place where you can learn about human generosity, about help, about globalization, about opportunities. I have been overwhelmed by the values, integrity, and generosity of the International Center.”

– Camilo Decker Lewin (Colombia) “This school has prepared me and other students for life in this country, and especially in this city. Celebrating the Center’s 50th anniversary is a good opportunity to say thank you to the people who have been doing a great job for years.”

– Iryna Palinchak ( Ukraine) “This Center is a special place for immigrants from different countries for whom the Center has been like a second home. And the volunteers have been giving their love, their devotion, and their knowledge to ensure a long life of the Center.

– Ufuale Afola Amey (Togo) “New York is such a melting pot with people bringing different cultures here from all over the world. The International Center has been like a home for them over the past half a century. I do hope that the Center remains open forever.

– Yu Mi Lee (Korea)

Continued on page 2

CELEBRATING FIFTY YEARS OF SERVICE, 1961 – 2011

IMMIGRANT SUPPORT PROGRAM (ISP) CELEBRATES THIRD YEAR GRADUATES AT

ITS ANNUAL FUNDRAISER

On May 24, the International Center held its second annual fundraiser to benefit the Immigrant Support Program.

Established in 2008, and generously funded by Andrew Romay and the Open Society Foundations, the program provides recent immi-grants with a yearlong set of classes, activities, and networking opportunities at the Center. The event, graciously hosted by the Open Society Foundations, featured speeches by Ricardo Castro, General Counsel for the Open Society Insti-tute; Gabriella Sperry, President of the Board of Directors of the International Center; and Doreen Rizopoulos, Executive Director of the International Center. Two recent ISP graduates, Nouhan Traoré from Guinea and Veronika Chuenvong from Ukraine, spoke of their experience at the Center. Veronika reflected, “For me the International Cen-

ter is part of my life. I am sad to leave, but my first step in Amer-ica is over and I must move on.” (Full text is on pages 2 & 5.) The evening also featured a musical per-formance by Tamás Zétényi on the cello. Members, volunteers, staff, board members, and guests all enjoyed the evening. We thank everyone who joined us to celebrate and support this important program.

CENTER MEMBERS ARE PANELISTS AT THE NYS TESOL AND NEW SCHOOL

JOINT PROGRAM On May 13, NYS TESOL and The New School held a joint program enti-tled, “Understanding the Classroom Culture: Differences from Home Countries to Here.” Over 120 people were in the audience to listen to the panel-ists discuss the differences and similarities between learning English in their home countries and in New York. Featured on the panel were three members from the Interna-tional Center: Ufuale Afola-Amey, Ahmed El-Habashi, and Osiris Ro-mero. Elaine Roberts , ISP Manager, was the panel moderator.

ISP MEMBER OLGA TSEYTLINA

PUBLISHED IN NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LITERACY REVIEW

Congratulations to ISP member Olga Tseytlina on the selection of her piece ‘He Was a Stone Man’ for publication in the Literacy Re-view, Volume 9. The Literacy Review, a journal of writing by

adult students in English language courses, is published by The Gallatin School at NYU. On May 3, Olga attended the Gallatin School’s annual celebration for contrib-uting writers. (Text of her piece appears on page 2.) Olga Tseytlina (left) and Elaine Roberts (ISP Manager) at the cele-bration in May

WHY THE INTERNATIONAL CENTER MATTERS: MEMBER VOICES

Andrew Romay

ISP graduates and current members


Spring/Summer Events ISP celebrates third year graduates… Continued from page 1

ISP celebrates third year graduates… Continued from page 1 Hello everybody! I am Veronika Chuenvong. I am from Ukraine. I have lived in New York for one year and four months and I have been a member of the International Center and the Immigrant Support Program for one year. Unfortunately, at the end of this month my membership will expire. So now I would like to tell you what the International Center is for me. When I came here the first day, my English was bad and I was too shy to speak. So, I started to attend classes and I met a lot of people from all over the world. My life changed. I gained knowledge in English: I improved my writing, reading, and listening skills. I have many friends; all of them are from the International Center. I really thank all the International Center staff, and especially Elaine Roberts. She has been a great teacher, kind friend, and good counselor. Also, I want to thank Anna Petelka who was always very kind and gave me great conversation and writing partners. And I had good teachers, too. And of course, the biggest thanks go to those people who had the idea to create and support this program. The International Center is part of my life. I am sad to leave, but my first step in America is over, and I must move on. Ladies and gentlemen,

It is an honor and a pleasure for me to speak at this reception. Today is a memorable day for all of us.

Continued on page 5

Olga Tseytlina in Literacy Review...Continued from page 1

He Was a Stone Man

By Olga Tseytlina He was a stone man. He lived on the pebble coast. He liked to sit on the beach and watch the sunset. He read the letters of the waves on the old rocks. He was very wise, because he had lived a long time and was very lonely. He was a stone man. One evening when he admired the sunset something hap-pened. A woman descended from the sky. She was so young and gorgeous, she was all gold and like a fire. She lived on the sun. She wanted to see the earth. The stone man looked at her without stopping. She was love itself. She ran through the shallow water and laughed, and gold splashes flew out from under her feet. But the stone man thought about his ancient stone body and his ancient stone heart and he was afraid that the heat of passion would destroy both of them. He didn’t move and didn’t say anything. When the sun was almost hidden behind the sea, the golden woman lifted into the air, flew over the sea and dissolved in its last rays. The stone man sat on the shore all night. He was old and wise. And he was really lonely. He never felt love in his stone heart; he never had tears in his stone eyes. But that night he did. When the first rays of the sun appeared, the stone man tried to scream and to call the golden woman, but instead of shout-ing, stones fell from his throat. Then the stone man crumbled, be-came a pile of pebbles, and only his face retained its features. He was old. His stone heart could not endure such grief.

Veronika Chuenvong

Nouhan Traoré

Ricardo Castro

Andrew Romay, Gabriella Sperry, Doreen Rizopoulos, Peter Frey

Steve Gartner, Jack Van Hulst

Doreen Rizopoulos

Tamás Zétényi

Peter Frey, Klaus Winter, Ann Black, Aracy Winter

Zehra Gunlap, Luise Palace, Fawzia Samadi

Nouhan Traoré, Win Cooper Luo Lin

Roger Nakagawa

Right: Katherine Cole, Nora Farid-Nestor, Anna Petelka, Francine Kala

Paul Tchamambe, Elena Bezzubov


Our New York Lives - Celebrating Our Center at 50

...continued on page 5 Center News Spring/Summer 2011

At our registration for April structured courses, we asked the members to write a placement essay on the following topic: This year we celebrate fifty years of existence of the International Center. What are your thoughts about the reasons for celebrating the Center’s 50th anniversary? Here are some of their thoughts. The International Center in New York was created in 1961 with the idea of improving the cultural exchange of thousands of people from around the world who come to New York. What a great idea for facilitating integration into a new country. It’s been now 50 years that the Center has been pro-viding help through courses, classes, and partnerships – all by volunteer teachers ready to teach more than just the language but also the culture of the United States. After half a century, it’s the occasion to be reminded of and remember all of the Center’s achievements so far. It is especially the occasion to say thank you to all those who created this great place, and to thank all the teachers and all the staff for what they do. It is also the occasion to gather together at the Center and to feel proud, to be happy, to be emotional, and to share the joy like one family. – Diff Lamine The International Center is a great place for people from all over the world. It is also great that the Center has existed in New York for fifty years. I feel that the American culture of volunteer activities and donations is amazing. I still can’t eas-ily believe that most of the activities at the Center depend on volunteer work. I think this is a great aspect of American cul-ture. All people in New York should celebrate the Center’s 50th anniversary and feel proud for keeping this facility for so many years. I have learned many things at the Center: It is not only English or American culture but the American way of thinking. It makes me happy to know that the U.S. has a great culture of mutual help. – Rika Gomi I am so lucky that I can witness the Center’s 50th anniversary. This is definitely a significant event in the Center’s history. There are various reasons for celebrating our warm and nice Center family.

First, due to its good reputation and the support from its sponsors, the Center has enjoyed phenomenal suc-cess in the past five decades. Second, it is a great opportu-nity for members and staff to get together and share experi-ences about living, working, and studying in New York and to further get to know one another through casual communica-tion. This helps us build our personal networking, which may play a crucial role in our life in New York. Finally, the Center provides great support to immigrants and others who need help with their language, life, and work. This is made possible because of the generous support of its donors, and the Cen-ter may use this celebration to give grateful thanks and pay respect to them as well. As for me, I wish to say, “Happy Birthday, our Center!” – Luo Lin

For a non-profit organization dedicated to helping immi-grants become part of this country, fifty years is a significant milestone to mark and celebrate. What the International Center has done for the past fifty years was to serve as a warm platform supporting immigrants as they polish their language ability, improve their cultural understanding, and create a real multi-cultural community. It was through a consistent program structure and persistent volunteer participation that this 50th anniversary was made possible. Even for a person it is difficult to devote 50 years to a single job, not to mention for an organization. So, why not celebrate! – Daniel Lin

There is reason for celebrating the Center’s 50th anniversary. I think the Center is a symbol of international people’s bond. At the Center, you can talk to people who come from vari-ous countries and, I believe, that makes people get to know one another and establish good relationships. So, the 50th anniversary stands for international people’s bond. – Yuka Goto

First I want to say, Congratulations! I have been with the great place the International Center for three months and my English skills have been improving day by day. The Center gave me not only a present of a lot of friends from all over the world, but I also learned different cultures from the IC friends as if I had been in their countries. I am an immigrant so a lot of things in the United States appear strange at first. But here, in the International Center, I feel comfortable and relaxed. I can share my feelings and my thoughts about life in the U.S., the U.S. government, and civics. The best thing I have learned in courses here is how to express my opinion in English. I want to thank all those who work at the Center. I can say that it is the best place for those who want to improve their English, to learn what America is all about, and to share their ideas and thoughts among good friends. – Seungman Park

There are a lot of good reasons for celebrating the Center’s 50th anniversary. I remember when I first came here – although I had been in New York for half a year at that time, I was not familiar with this big city, so big that I felt lost in it. It was the International Center that helped me to struggle to hold on to my past achievements and to walk out of the ‘lost zone.’ Here I meet people from all over the world. This lovely place provides a comfortable shelter for all of us to share our ideas, our fears, and our dreams. In this place, we realize that we are not the only ones who are doubtful and lonely. Here we are supported by our new friends and vol-unteers. The Center has also opened for me a window into the world of theater and chamber music – a unique experi-ence for me. The International Center is a treasure island for new immigrants and travelers. I hope that more and more people can find it and celebrate together its 51st, 52nd and many, many more anniversaries. – Kun Yu Ma Continued on page 5


America Now at The International Center

By Nicholas Allanach

Whether we see its streets on film, come to visit for a day, or stay for a lifetime, we have all – in one way or another – made New York our home. It is the very nature of this ever evolving metropolis to recreate itself each day that makes it such a compelling and often challenging place to live. Stone, steel, and glass constitute the physical landscape of our city. But it is the dreams of those who walk along its bustling sidewalks that reaffirm the very essence of New York’s unique character and purpose. These

hardworking individuals come from all over the world in hopes of including their stories into this city’s rich and vibrant history. Many who come here share an experience that has not been easy. Fortunately, the International Center is one place where “citizens of the world” can come to receive assistance, education, and – most importantly – a sense of community. Now, as the Center celebrates its 50th anniversary, our nation finds itself challenged by a heated (and regrettably, misguided) conversation about its immigration policies. ______________________________________

Without these international citizens, America would lose the very essence of what makes it great

– the voice of its people. _______________________________________ In fact, this very community of immigrants is under attack. Sadly, those spreading vitriol seem to forget that we are a nation founded, built, and sustained by its immigrant population. Without these international citizens, America would lose the very essence of what makes it great – the voice of its people. For the past year, I have been teaching a 10-session structured class at the International Center called America Now: Media and Writing. The purpose of our class is to encourage media literacy through conversation and writing. Mass media is – like the immigrants who built this nation – an essential component of the American experience. The way America is communicated to the world through mass media provides one of the reasons why many are inspired to come here. In this way, “the American Dream” is very much alive. _____________________________________ Understanding and using the media is essential to succeeding in America. _________________________________ In our class, we not only discuss the many challenging issues of the day but we also encourage students to achieve a better sense of media literacy. Our students come to realize that “Mass media is a language unto itself and – as with learning any language – must be approached with the same inspiration, consistence, and patience.” I believe that understanding and using the media is essential to communicating and succeeding in America. We are a nation founded on the value of a “free press.” Therefore, to become media literate is not only to be capable of communicating our understandings and opinions of the world through the media, but also to acquire ways to productively use the media for ourselves. I have had students who have started their own blogs, Twitter

accounts, and even produced their own documentaries. One of the requirements of our class is for each student to make at least one presentation on an aspect of media they find interesting. For example, one student who initially struggled with English ultimately made an excellent Power Point presentation on his contributions to the Korean "citizen journalists" news site "OhMyNews!" One of my Japanese students, inspired by our conversations on Edward R. Murrow, drew comparisons in her own writing between Rep. Peter King's treatment of the Muslim community and neo-McCarthyism. But most inspiring of all was when we screened one student’s documentary "Where Shall the Birds Fly?" which followed the life of a little girl whose home and family were taken from her by a hostile army. What our students bring to these presentations is always an inspiration. It is my hope that our efforts here at the International Center will continue to encourage and empower these “citizens of the world” to not only realize their importance to our city and nation, but to feel that they too have an essential role in shaping the changing identity of America through their own unique voices.

Celebrating Our Center Community

Finding the International Center in New York (ICNY) changed my life and facilitated my assimilation into American culture. I emigrated from South America in late 1999 and joined the ICNY in early 2000. My English profi-ciency was extremely limited at the time; this limitation kept me from attaining a good job. I needed to learn English as soon as possible in a flexible and affordable institution. I was fortunate to discover the International Center which soon became my favorite place. I would

arrive there as early as possible trying to get a seat in “Funny Things about English” or in the class “Current Events.” ________________________________

Basically, one could say that I rebuilt my professional career at ICNY.

___________________________________________ At ICNY I met people from all over the world with very diverse ideologies and projects: a couple of Chinese professors visit-ing New York during their sabbatical; a Russian engineer who had built underground laboratories in the former USSR; an Egyptian bodybuilder who was working at a pizza parlor; and a Korean study-ing to become a licensed real estate agent, amongst others. In the coffee shop in the lounge I learned to order coffee with milk and a bagel with cream cheese. There, I also read my first

complete book in English: The Art of the Novel by Milan Kundera. Basically, one could say that I rebuilt my professional career at ICNY. Five months or so after joining, I became a Spanish high school teacher in the New York City Public School System. Eventu-ally, I went on to earn a Ph.D. at Stony Brook University, SUNY. I am now an assistant professor of Spanish at The City College of New York, Center for Worker Education. I hope my experience will inspire and encourage other potential English language learners to join the International Center, a place where new lives and careers are built and rebuilt.

Nicholas Allanach

Carlos Aguasaco

From Limited English to CUNY Professorship By Carlos Aguasaco, PhD



Our New York lives... Continued from page 3

Fifty years represent half a century – a long period in a life-time of a human being as well as an organization. That means that the Center has a rich history and a broad experience in reaching the objectives set forth at the time it was created. These are teaching and helping people to speak fluent Eng-lish and understand American culture and traditions. The reasons for celebrating the 50th anniversary are various and many. The first one is to assess the achievements of the Center and to remember the different stages it passed through during this period. The second is to celebrate its successful work done over this period because without suc-cess in its goals the Center would have closed its doors a long time ago. Last, but not least, is to define new approaches for the second half of the century to ensure that its future will be bright and that it will continue to maintain the highest stan-dards of performance. – Mouhamadou B. Diop So, why should we celebrate the Center’s 50th anniversary? I think that everyone in the Center, members, volunteers, and staff, would tell you that it is a great idea. I would like to give you my opinion on the matter. The International Center has a big place in my life here – in New York City. This organization gave me a chance to learn English, and not only English but also literature, cul-ture, American government, how to prepare a resume, and have conversations with native speakers. Here I have met interesting classmates from all over the world. This school has prepared me and other students for life in this country, and especially in this city. Celebrating the Center’s 50th anni-versary is a good opportunity to say thank you to the people who have been doing a great job for years. – Iryna Palinchak I think we should have a big party to celebrate the Center’s 50th anniversary. The Center was founded to help immi-grants and it has opened its doors to everyone who needs help in settling down in New York. The most difficult thing for immigrants is the language barrier. To help people over-come this barrier, the Center has been offering a lot of Eng-lish classes and there are always volunteers around willing to talk to us. As one of the immigrants, I am so happy to be a member here. I’d like to say thank you and congratulations to the Center. New York is such a melting pot with people bringing different cultures here from all over the world. The International Center has been like a home for them over the past half a century. I do hope that the Center remains open forever. – Yu Mi Lee When a human being is 50 years old it is always a special event. I think that the same must be true of a place like the International Center in New York. This Center is a special place for immigrants from different countries for whom the Center has been like a second home. The Center could have disappeared if it had not been directed as well as it was by the serious people and kind donors who have given their strength and their resources to keep this place alive.

Nouhan Traoré’s remarks...Continued from page 2 It is the day for us, the immigrant beneficiaries of

this program, to express our satisfaction to our donors and to thank them.

I am Nouhan Traoré, a medical doctor from Guinea, with eight years of experience as a practicing physician; four years of experience working in health administration, and two years of experience as a project manager, including one year with the United Nations.

I have been at the International Center since April 2010. Before coming to the International Center, I felt frustrated because I couldn’t understand what people were saying to me and I couldn’t tell them what I wanted. Sometimes, in group discussions, I would say "yes" or "ok" to my partners, without understanding really what they had said; or I laughed when I saw others laughing, because I didn’t want them to know that I didn’t understand at all.

I was lucky to meet in my first school, the Mid-Manhattan Adult Learning Center, a wonderful lady who recommended that I join the International Center in New York. Here too, I have met good people, such as Elaine Roberts, who facilitated my enrollment.

Through all my classes, my conversation and writing partners, and the personal interaction with my classmates and teachers in the lounge, my English has improved. I thank all of them. Special thanks to our Fall 2010 structured class-instructors because now I can communicate with people, and I wrote my first story in English (My New Life in New York) in “Songs of Our Lives” with Alberta Grossman — something I couldn’t believe possible one year ago. Now, I hope, I will reach my main goal which is to get my Master’s Degree in Public Health. Why not become a physician here to help others as you people do!

Dear donors, you should be happy and believe that you are improving a lot of lives around the world. You are helping people to feel in New York as if they were in their own home countries and to change their lives positively. We immigrant students appreciate your donation and how it is used by the International Center’s administration. We immigrant beneficiaries are proud to be able to thank you. May God help, protect, and bless you, donors, and the International Center’s staff, and volunteers!

Thank you for your attention!

And the volunteers have been giving their love, their devo-tion, and their knowledge to ensure a long life of the Cen-ter. For all those reasons the International Center in New York deserves to celebrate its 50th anniversary and many more. One day, I hope to be among the people who will come and talk about their experiences in this great place. – Ufuale Afola Amey


got a good job in a famous clinic in Lome, the capital of Togo. Her parents were very grateful to us and we’re still in touch with them and with Akuwa, who still expresses her thanks. This example affected many of our friends, who also started enrolling their housekeepers in schools or in trainings to learn various handicrafts. Often, when we women were in the kitchen, my son, the oldest of our children, and his father were in the dining room or below the mango tree waiting for the meal. For that our younger daughter Zaza used to criticize me, asking me why their brother never cooked. To this question, I always answered, “Women’s duty is to feed men, so as a young girl you should get in the habit of knowing everything about keeping house and cooking. Quit what you are doing and let’s go to the kitchen regardless of what Eli is doing. Okay.” I was trying hard to find an excuse for Eli. But, to my surprise, I found out that when I was absent, Akuwa sometimes managed to get him involved in helping her in the kitchen. If my husband and my son never helped at home, they always liked driving and found a reason to help out when cars were involved. My son was very young when he started driving but even though I got my driver’s license and I drove perfectly, my husband always dropped me off wherever I was going. If he was traveling, his driver did it. ____________________________________

I am happy that we have moved beyond the traditional African female/male roles that once

dominated our lives. ____________________________________ In 2004, when my husband left for the U.S., he had practically forgotten how to cook and clean. His first days in New York were awful. He often called me long distance for

help. He called all the time and at any hour because he was very frustrated trying to cook the meals he liked. He started learning, but it wasn’t easy. In 2007, I came to visit my husband in New York City, where he had been living for three years. On our way from the airport to his little apartment in Jamaica, Queens, he told me, “You came to rest, so you’re not

going to cook, clean or feed me because you have already done a lot.” But during that month I could not bear to see him cooking and cleaning. I was supposed to be happy, but I felt I was losing my women power and control over men. My husband felt great and sometimes even a little proud. Before I left, I realized that I did not really enjoy my vacation because I did not want to change. Continued on page 7

Between Two Cultures, or Yovo

By Dr. Ufuale. Ch. Afola Amey (Togo, West Africa) I was born and raised in Togo in a family where men never cooked or cleaned in the kitchen. My father was the breadwinner and my Mom a housewife. At the age of 11, I attended Notre Dame d’Afrique, a boarding-school for girls, in Atakpame, Togo. The school’s strict education gave me the traditional and religious values which still follow me everywhere -- helping me, building me or destroying me, especially when it comes to matters that involve women’s submission to

men and their role in the family. These traditional values have conflicted with what I had learned while I was living abroad during my studies, travels, and conferences in Kiev, London, Rome, Stockholm, Paris, Nanterre, Bordeaux, Lyon, and now in the United States. These values constantly interfere with my pure Togolese culture so that I have always been asking myself, “Should I be my husband’s servant or his equal?” In fact, in Africa and especially in Togo, most of the men never cook. A good housewife never permits her husband to cook or do any kind of housework even if she sometimes earns more money than he does. Our couple has experienced that situation. ______________________________________

These values constantly interfere with my pure Togolese culture so that I have always been asking myself, “Should I

be my husband’s servant or his equal?” _____________________________________________

My husband and I both received master’s degrees in Russia. When we came back to Togo, we both worked and he helped me a lot at home until the day my sisters and my mother-in-law strongly disapproved of it. For them, as for many of our friends, both men and women, rather than being an African woman I became a “Yovo” or “a smart well trained dog.” I started feeling ashamed when it came to asking my husband to help me, and he started cooking and cleaning less and less. I became tired of doing all the housework alone after hard days of work. I asked my mother for help and she came up with a 12-year-old girl called Akuwa. But I could not keep this young girl at home working the way my friends did. I enrolled her in school instead. Now, the same people who suggested that I get a housekeeper started laughing at me. I was again “Yovo” for them. They were sure that Akuwa was not intelligent enough to succeed at school. But she and our three children, our son Eli and our daughters Dia and Zaza, happily went to school together. Once more, my friends’ perceptions were different from mine. For most of them, we were wasting our money with Akuwa because she was too old to start school. But she was smart and very clever and we loved her for that. As soon as she came, she taught Dia and Zaza how to braid each other’s hair while singing joyfully old popular songs from her village. Now, Akuwa has graduated from a nursing school and

Remembering...Discovering

Ufuale Amey in New York...

...and at home in her native Togo


Between two cultures ...Continued from page 6 One day I refused to serve him the food he cooked. He glanced at me and said, “My wife is on the way to changing.” After the vacation, when I went back home to Togo, I started reorganizing my household. But my son left for Chicago six months later. He also often called me for help in the kitchen. My daughters and I began driving like “men.” Our example affected many of our friends. Since August 2009, we have all been in the U.S. except for my daughter Dia who went to Lyon, France. Now everybody was trying to do his or her best to be free from the traditional roles for men and women. I am happy that we have moved beyond the traditional African female/male roles that once dominated our lives. But as an African woman, I’ll try to transfer to all my children and grand children some African values that I care deeply about, such as mutual respect, spontaneous devotion to friends, hospitality, and family communication. These are "African realities” that help African children to grow up harmoniously despite life’s difficulties. I try to instill in them these values which preserve the roots of their African culture, couples, and families.

Discovering...

Becoming the Ideal Wife I Want to Be

By Kyoko Iriguchi

When I was a child, I lived with my parents and elder sister and I never asked myself, “What is a family?” But when I started living with my husband, I began to reflect on the idea of a family. I am

still wondering about what it means to be a traditional ideal Japanese wife, and how can I become one? I got married about five years ago. My husband was one of my col-leagues. We started to work for a Japa-nese bank at the same time and we had many common friends, but we didn’t meet until eight years later.

Soon after our marriage, I noticed that I experienced some stress. As the house rentals in Tokyo are very expensive (about the same as those in NYC), our apartment had only one bed-room, while in my parents’ house in the suburbs I had my own room. I really missed having a room where I could be

alone in order to have my own time to think about my job or hobbies and to read books without being disturbed by anyone.

My stress was not only about physical space. It was also about mental space. Actually, I wanted to be free to control my time. When I had lunch with my friends, and after that I went to a nail salon, I tended to think that I had to go back home as soon as possible. Be-sides, after my marriage, my bosses and colleagues stopped inviting me to a Japanese pub for dinner after work, the way they did before. During those dinners, we discussed not only how to deal with projects or problems but also our promotions. The boss gave us advice as well, so this was a useful communication tool.

_____________________________________________

My stress was not only about physical space. It was also about mental space.

________________________________ However, I knew that almost all of my bosses and col-

leagues were men and their wives had quit their jobs after they had children or, if they kept working, they didn’t work as hard as before. I wondered why they would give up working. It seemed like such a waste.

Then one day without asking me what I wanted to do, they told me “We are very sorry not to have dinner with you as frequently as before. You have to go back, don’t you?” I was surprised to hear this and I asked them to keep including me as usual, which they did. At that time, I was wondering about the meaning of a traditional ideal Japanese wife. In my opinion, tradi-tional ideal Japanese wives devote themselves to their husbands and family. In fact, even recently, some women who get married don’t work as hard at their jobs in order to be able to make dinner or do housework. Some of them can continue to work but they choose not to.

After my marriage, the changes inside me and in my surroundings made me feel nervous. I struggled with these ques-tions: “How do I have to behave to be an ideal wife?” “Do I have to give up communicating with colleagues and friends from school?” Indeed, when my friends from university and I had din-ner, one of them would say, “I have to go home because my hus-band will come back about 11PM.” I didn’t ask her why she had to go back earlier than he, but I also knew that I could not be like

that even if that meant that my style was not the ideal Japanese one.

I was struggling with such feelings without asking my hus-band what kind of relationship he thought we should have. At the same time, I felt that we needed to discuss this. So, whenever I had a feeling of discomfort, I tried to express my thoughts and also to make sure that I knew his. If I wanted to read books and study in order to improve my business skills, I told him that I would go to the library for the day. It turned out that he also wanted to spend time at the library, to learn English, but he hesitated to say it. Finally, I noticed that he also wanted to have control over his own time. We agreed that we wanted to be pleasant as individuals. To live to-gether comfortably we had to be a little patient but not too patient.

When I lived with my parents and sister, we didn’t need to talk about such things. But my husband and I need to ask each other, “What do you think?” and “How do you think we should handle this?” — because we need to create our own, new and unique, family.

We have lived together for more than five years and even now we need to share our ideas, especially about important things in our lives. Last year when my husband came to NYC for business, we discussed for half a year whether or not I would quit my job in Tokyo. A number of people wondered, “Why not? You should quit your job because it’s good for you to live together.” I could under-stand their point of view, but it also meant that they asked me to behave like a traditional ideal Japanese wife who lives for her hus-band and her children. For me and my husband a serious discussion was necessary. I don’t want to have to be guided by some abstrac-tion such as “being an ideal wife.” After all, my husband and I were originally strangers. We need to work hard on reaching a real agreement.

I do not want to regret my actions. The best way not to regret is to make decisions after serious reflection and discussion. This sometimes means that my husband and I may have a real battle of words.

I think that there is no answer to the question, What is an ideal wife or husband? For us, struggling to reach an agreement is what makes us happy. I think that is our style, and I believe my husband thinks so, too.

Kyoko Iriguchi


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