I’m sure you’ve found yourself in a situation where you and your man are

arguing about something that has been blown way out of proportion.

You don’t remember how or why it got to this point; all you know is that

you’re right, and he is wrong!

In many relationships, the partners get so focused on being right that they

turn the relationship into a competition.

Instead of working cooperatively, they are constantly trying to score points

against each other.

Their relationship turns adversarial.

This chapter will talk about how and why arguments develop, how to

defuse them, and ultimately, how to never argue again.

In order to eradicate arguments from your relationship, we need to figure

out the root causes.

We often end up in arguments where we fight about things we don’t even

care about. We just keep reliving old arguments or trying to put points on

the scoreboard.

We want to break these patterns. If you suddenly make a huge shift in how

you communicate with your partner, he might be initially suspicious. If you

guys have been fighting for a long time, it will take a little while to break

that pattern. But we can do it together!

When you start to change your pattern, he

will go through a period of doubt. At first

he might be thinking that you are trying

out a new fight strategy.

Over time he will realize that your sincerity

is genuine. He will then start to follow your

lead. Change is possible, and you can

eliminate the fighting from your

relationship.

Let’s say an argument begins to brew when you or your partner have low

self-esteem on that particular day. There are a lot of things than can cause

this.

Maybe you are having financial

problems, a bad day at work, feel

restless, or just an offhand comment

might set you off.

When one of you is filled with

negative feelings, that person might

lash out at the other. Sometimes we do this as a way of deflecting away

blame for a mutual problem.

Sometimes we just want our partner to be as unhappy as we are. Misery

loves company. Very few people in a bad mood will keep it to themselves.

Men have a tendency to respond to arguments according to patterns. We

can unpack these patterns and predict how a man will respond to different

types of arguments.

When you combine this general knowledge about men with your specific

experiences with your partner, his responses become extremely predictable.

Volume is a key factor in not only arguments, but also regular

conversations. You will want to try your best to match the volume that he is

using.

He will see a raised voice as a challenge, and an obviously lowered one as

patronizing.

It can be very challenging when he is being aggressive or shouting. You

might be tempted to shout as loudly as him, just to be heard.

But the reality is that when people are shouting, they have shut their own

ears. They aren’t listening to anything.

Instead, you want to lower your voice. Speak softly and calmly and try to

defuse the situation.

Men and women may start arguments in the same way, but they have a

tendency to escalate them differently. When a woman feels frustrated

about problems at work, her relationships, or is just in a bad mood, she

likes to vent.

This means women want to have somebody hear and acknowledge what’s

bothering them, but don’t want a solution or a “discussion” from it.

The problem comes when men see this venting as an opportunity to be

“helpful” by offering solutions or advice.

Men see conversations as a place to discuss problems and find solutions.

They often don’t realize that for women, the conversation itself is cathartic.

They aren’t seeking “advice.” They just someone who will listen.

To a woman, a man offering unwanted advice is at best patronizing, and at

worst, aggressive.

Arguments can easily break out from this misunderstanding.

There are also the situations where a woman is legitimately feeling really

crappy about something and just wants to bring down those around her.

She might be feeling miserable and wants her to man to share in that

feeling.

A lot of arguments are started unintentionally. They start with two people

having a conversation with different goals.

Men can turn a venting session or an uncomfortable mood into a fullblown

confrontation via miscommunication.

They start offering unwanted advice, the

woman feels unheard, he feels she ignores

his wisdom and the argument ensues.

Let’s say that an argument is brewing in

the Brentfield household. John Brentfield

and Sally Brentfield have just finished eating a lovely meal and are about to

clean up.

John: That was lovely, Sarah, you should make meatballs more often!

Sally: Thanks, but you know how I feel about making pasta…

John: Well, I’m glad you did today. It makes a nice change from stir-fry all

the time.

Sally: So you don’t like my stir-fry?

John: That’s not what I said… it’s just nice having a change, you know?

Sally: Well howbout you wash the dishes for a change, then?

John: Huh?

Sally: You seem to like change so much, so why not let me sit my ass on

the sofa while you wash up instead of me?

John: I washed the dishes twice this week!

Sally: Yeah, but you didn’t cook at all.

John: Well maybe you should say something instead of giving me a bunch

of sarcastic hints all the time!

Sally: I’m saying something now, aren’t I?

John: Yeah, you are… so what exactly are you saying?

Sally: What do you mean?

John: You’ve been on my case all week… first it was driving the kids to

school and now this!

Sally: You always do this, John!

John: Do what?

Sally: Try to find excuses not to do your fair share of work around the

house.

John: So you think I need to do your job as well as work at the office from

9 to 5, huh?

Sally: Do MY job? I’d like to see your fat ass try to clean this house…

anyway… I HAVE a job—

John: Working part time at the library is hardly a job…

Sally: How dare you! That job kept us in our house while you were sitting

on your ass for six months after you got fired!

(And so on…)

Here we can see that Sally and John clearly have some relationship issues

that they need to work out.

Work, home and commitment-related issues often come up as “point

scorers” in arguments. Each person in the argument will attempt to “one

up” the other in terms of what they have done wrong.

They fail to realize that this just leads to unnecessary escalation.

Sally is clearly unhappy about constantly having to cook and wash up. She

feels as though John isn’t doing his part.

Sally, who doesn’t like making pasta, feels as though John is taking her

cooking for granted; the way he casually “likes the change” sparked

something in Sally.

From this point on, the argument gets

worse and worse, with more and more

issues being brought up by both sides. A

fight of this scale will likely cause some

serious damage to the relationship.

The question is…. how do you avoid arguments like these?

They can get started from the simplest comment. Did you notice that the

argument started with John trying to give a compliment about dinner?

As mentioned before, arguments mostly arise from somebody having low

esteem about something.

One of the best ways to spot an argument before it begins is by noticing

how your partner is feeling.

Did he come home from work and sit down without saying a word to you?

Did he do something out of the ordinary, like ignoring the newspaper he

normally reads every day?

Is he fidgeting or doing something else that shows he’s nervous or

stressed?

These are all signs that something is on

his mind that is important enough to

interrupt his regular routine.

While it may be something as simple as

being late for work, or tonight’s football

game being cancelled, there is a good

chance that an offhand comment could trigger an argument.

When your partner is showing signs of stress, you want to be especially

gentle.

If he walks in and you would normally greet each other with a friendly “hi

honey,” but today he just mumbles “hey,” then you need to take note and

watch out for other signs.

Men tend to turn internal when they are feeling stressed or upset. So if he

starts talking less and less, that could be a sign that he is bottling up his

feelings.

When you see the signs of an impending argument, or the conversation

seems to be getting a bit heated…. stop.

Think about the situation you are in. What could be on your partner’s

mind? What could be troubling him?

Instead of falling into the trap of arguing, focus on turning his mood upside

down. Put your pride to the side and don’t worry about scoring points or

“winning the argument.”

Just ask him how you can help. You need to make sure that you say it

softly, but firmly—don’t come off as sarcastic or demanding.

If he responds positively, try to get him to sit down with you in a relaxed

setting. Let him know that he can open up to you.

He can vent his frustrations as long as he doesn’t turn them on you. Listen

to his feelings and wait for him to finish before you offer any advice. If you

are the cause of his frustration, try to find a solution together without

getting emotional.

Imagine that your boyfriend sits down with you and says that he doesn’t

like the way you compare him to his friends.

He is letting you know that instead of building up his self-esteem you are

knocking him down. He is not getting the affirmation he needs.

You want to find a way to alter your behavior so that you stop belittling

him. You may compare him to his more successful friends as a way to

encourage him to improve himself.

But now you know that your plan is backfiring. Be willing to adapt and

understand his feelings. Focus on complimenting the areas where you think

he excels.

You can use a similar approach in most confrontations. Often the argument

is not about what you think it is about.

By avoiding going for points or becoming overly emotional, you can dig

down to why he is really upset. Once you get to the root cause, finding a

solution becomes possible.

Sometimes the cause of an argument is just something silly and not

something serious. When that happens you want to take a slightly different

approach.

If it’s your fault, then you clearly need to express regret for what you’ve

done. Even if he is overreacting to a minor mistake on your part.

Sometimes the most important thing we can do is focus on making our

partner feel better. If it’s important to him, then it has to be important to

you.

Offer to help, fix, or replace whatever has been broken. If you accidentally

overcooked his food, offer to make him something else.

If it’s nothing that you can help him with, or he doesn’t want your help, just

let him know that you’re there if he needs you for anything, then give him

some space.

After he has calmed down you can offer him reassurance that you still love

and respect him.

Arguments aren’t just going to disappear overnight. Change takes time and

work.

For now, you will need to simply focus on minimizing the damage from

arguments.

The more you reduce the atmosphere of conflict, the closer you get to the

point where arguments are completely avoidable.

Some language is extremely toxic.

There are certain things that you can

simply never unsay.

When you know each other really well

you have the ability to say things that

are very damaging. You want to avoid

phrases that erode the foundation of your relationship.

Dangerous Phrases To Avoid

These toxic phrases can instantly plunge you and your partner into an ugly

argument:

“I told you so.”

Even if you’re technically right, “I told you so” is a phrase that leaves a

lasting, stinging impression. It feels terrible when someone has to point out

your mistakes.

These four words are like a knife covered in poison and the pain can linger

for a long time. The only reason to use this phrase is to score points; to

prove that you were right and he was wrong. We don’t want to go down

that path anymore.

“You would think that.”

This comes across as extremely negative and derogatory. You are saying

that you are smart and he is dumb. That he is yet again making a stupid

decision.

This phrase attacks both his intelligence and his decision-making process.

You are basically attacking the core of his identity. The only purpose of this

phrase is to cause pain.

“Shut up!”

There is no time when this phrase is a good idea. It basically invalidates all

of his thoughts. You are saying that there is nothing he could say right now

that could possibly interest you or change your opinion.

It’s brutal. You hate it when people say this to you. If you want to end the

confrontation, there are better and more constructive ways to do that. Just

say you are exhausted of fighting and need a break.

“You always do this.”

These words will sear him like a hot poker. The first time you use this one,

you will see the change come over his face.

As soon as you use the words “always” or “never” in an argument, you have

changed the tone. It’s nearly a declaration of war.

It’s a statement of permanent fault. You are saying that he has always

had this flaw and that he can never change it. This is a real relationship-

buster.

“You’re just like my ex…”

Nobody wants to be compared to

an ex. This is a way of punishing

him for the crimes of another man.

If he hasn’t thought about leaving

you before, he is thinking about it

right now.

Now he knows that you fight dirty. You are still thinking about your ex even

when you are with him. That’s a big deal for men.

“We need a break.”

This basically says to him, “we are finished and I am seeing other men.” He

will take this as complete and utter failure.

You might mean that you want a few days apart, but that is not what he

hears. For men a break is the same as a breakup. Never say this unless you

are 100% serious about ending the relationship.

“You’re lucky to have me.”

Blaming luck for someone’s success is always mean. It’s a way of

discounting their efforts.

Sometimes people like to tell a man that he’s lucky to have such an

amazing girlfriend. Whether it is you or a stranger using this dirty word, it is

nothing less than an attack on the man. It’s a way of saying that you are

better than him.

How would you feel if he told you that you weren’t good enough for him?

Awful. Don’t do it. It’s downright mean.

Conflict Reversal

Stop looking at arguments as a chance to prove that one of you is right and

one of you is wrong. Your goal should always be to find resolution. You

are partners and that should always be your mindset.

How can we find a solution that pleases both of us? Ask yourself that at the

beginning of each argument. These fights spring from thinking of you as

two different people with different goals. Focus on thinking of yourselves as

a team.

When you get caught up in the emotions

of the moment, you may be tempted to

try and win the argument.

Just calm down and focus on the long

term. Instead of winning the argument

today, focus on making your relationship

last a lifetime.

While there will always be

disagreements

and petty conflicts in every relationship, arguments are not necessary.

Using these strategies, you can eventually get to the point where you never

argue again. It may sound like a fantasy, but with enough understanding

and practice, you can defuse every argument before it even begins!