i dont have to talk to me, by Elizabeth Foster

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Elizabeth Foster has regrets. Elizabeth Foster has ghosts. Elizabeth Foster treats his poems like confessions on the broken tiles of a crumbling bathroom apartment floor. Elizabeth Foster is a beautiful human being and you should read his poetry.i don't have to talk to me, by Elizabeth Fosterpublished by Be About It press, August 2014.

Transcript of i dont have to talk to me, by Elizabeth Foster

  • sayhellotoallyournewregretsIvebeenlayingdowninthisbedfor127consecutiveminutesbreathinginmyownstalebreath.Theflowersyouboughtmearewiltingonthewindowsillandi'mintoit.I'vebeenfloatingontheprecipiceofdeathfor270consecutivedays.Myeulogyisleakingfromtheceiling.dripdripdripdripwewillneverforgethissmileThelandlordreallyoughtafixthat...Atleastwedon'thaverats.

  • droppedcallsIcanbarelyliftmyeyelidsanymore.Ithurtstobreathebecauseexistingfeelsworsethandrowning.Didyouknowicanholdmybreathforafullminute.Idoitwithalarmingfrequency.Sometimes,wheniamtalkingtomymotheronthephoneitrytomakemyselfblackout.Whatbetterexcusetostopansweringhertediousquestions?Please,tellmehowtomakeitstop.

  • fukcWhatamidoing?I'manidiot.Noyou'renot.Thesefeelingsarenormal,theyhappentoeveryone.Notheydon't,you'relying.Youdonthavetolietomakemefeelbetter.Itdoesn'tevenwork.Iseerightthroughyou.Itsfunnythatyousaythatbecauseifyoureallydidyou'dknowiloveyouandthati'malwaysgoingtobehereforyouforeverandever.That'sdisgusting,Idontevenlikeyou.Iknowyoudontlikemeeither.Youthinki'manidiot...Youtellmethingsyouknowiwanttohearoutofpity.Haha,fuckoff.Itdoesntmatterwhatyousaytome.Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,Illletyoucutmeintopiecesandsewmebacktogether.IwantyoutofeelWHOLE.Whydoyoukeepsayingthesethings?Itmakesithardertohateyou.Ithinkthatmeanswe'remakingprogress...Iloveyou.Fuck,Stopthat.Don'tsaythingslikethat.Don'tlookatmelikethat.FUCKFUCKFUCK

  • lololol.txtYou'recryingbecausetheyleftyou.Youlookatmelikeyouknowwhati'mgonnasay.Ilightmycigarette,butit'srainingsoitgoesoutimmediately."Igaveyougoodadvice,youshouldhavelistened."You'recryingandlaughingatthesametime.It'sbeautiful,It'stragic,Ifeellikeanasshole.Ithurtswhenyoufallinlovewithsomeoneandyou'retryingtoplugalltheleaksinyourbrainspillingoutallyourfearslike,youknowwhenyou'redrinkingwaterbecauseyou'redehydratedandit'stheonlywaytogetridofthisconstantacheinyourhead,butyoutrytobreathatthesametimewhichyouhavetodotokeepyourheartbeating,butyoucan'tdothematthesametimebecauseyou'regoingtostartchoking?Yeah,that'swhatitfeelslike.Haha,that'sprettyromantic.Itmakesmewanttovomit.Yeah,Iknow.I'manidiot.Idothistomyself,completelycontentinmyignorance.That'sterrible,butIunderstand.Weareallawalkingmessofcontradictions.Whatlosers.

  • whatareyoulookingatpleasehelpmeunderstandWhatamIidoinghere?Whereishere?WhoamI?WhyamI?Whoareyou?Didyouhearme?areyouherew ithME?areyouhere inme?wHy?WWhy?whY ???whoevEncaRe

    S?IcantrememberwhatIamSOupsetabout?Ican'trememberwhoIam...IdontevenknowhowIgothere?canIfeel,like,reallyfeel?tou

    CHmecanyouFEELme?like,reallyFEeLme?

  • TimesSq42ndstHowmanytimescanyousquaretimebeforeitisofnoconsequence?Howmanytimescanyouvomituntilyourinsidesbecomeyouroutsides?What?Whyareyousoangry?IthoughtthisiswhatyouwantedYouarelostinyourownlabyrinth?Howinconvenient...Youreallyshouldhaveinstalledsomesortofemergencyexit.Whatwereyouthinking?Oh...Youwerent?Iguessthatmakessense...Inawaythatcompletelyignoresallcommonsense.You'resuchafool,butyou'reJustanotherfool.

  • March302014TodayIwasscrollingthroughfacebookwhenInoticedthemanwhomolestedmelastThanksgivinguploadedanewprofilepicture.Inthephotohewascroucheddowninagraveyardnexttoatombstonewithhisnameonit.Isilentlywishedhewasdeadanddidn'tfeelbadaboutit.LastFridayIwasdrunkenlystumblingtotheGtrainwithafriendImetontheinternet,whenthemanwhomolestedmelastThanksgivingcalledme(presumablydrunkenly).Iblockedhisphonenumber.TodayIwasstandingintheshowerstaringatthelumpofbluestrandsslippingthroughmyfingers.Iattributemyrecentincreaseinhairlosstostress,butitcouldalsobebecauseIhaven'teatenanythingtodayasidefromtwolargeglassesofcoffee(threesugars).Ihaven'tgonetomypsychiatristinover9monthsbecauseI'membarrassedtoshowupafterforgettingtocancelmyappointmentthatinadvertentlyfellonadaymyexboyfriendfromhighschoolwasvisitingformybirthday.Wespentthatweekarguingmorethanwedidwhenweweredatingandhaven'treallyspokenmuchsince.TodayIwastextingsomeoneIwasinfatuatedwithforasolidthreeweeks,respondingwithnomorethanthreewords.InevertoldthemhowIfelt,butrathershowedthemeverysinglepoemIwroteaboutthemoverthecourseofthelastthreemonths.Theyhaven'tsaidanything,butIhonestlypreferitthatwaybecauseIdon'tknowifIcouldhandleitiftheydid.TodayIwokeupat3:54pmtothesoundofmysoontobeformerroommateexchangingidlechitchatwithmysoontoberoommate.IwalkedoutinatoweltousetherestroomandranintomysoontoberoommateItriedtofeigninterestintheidlechitchat,butwasnotcoherentenoughtoreplywithanymorethanthreewordresponses.NoonecanpayrentuntilFridayandIshouldbemoreworriedaboutitthanIam.TodayIrealizedIhaven'twrittenanewpoeminatleasttwoweeksanditmademealittleworriedaboutthepossibilitythatthedraftformybookwillbesittinginmydocumentsfolderuntitledindefinitely.TodayIthoughtaboutsendinganemailtosomeoneImetatapartylastSaturdayaskingthemoutforcoffeejusttoseewhattheywouldsay,butIdidnt.IthinktheywouldrespondifImentionedsmokingajointeventhoughpotmakesmeanxious.TodayIthoughtabouthowIwrotemorewhenIwashopelesslyinfatuatedwithsomeonethatprobablywouldneverfeelthesameandIwasn'tsurehowtofeelaboutit.Iwantsomeonetobrushmyhair,butIdon'tknowwhotoask.Ikeepthinkingthatitwouldbenicetokissastranger,butIhaven'tactedonit.TodayIamsittingonthemattressmyexboyfriendfromhighschoolboughtmeformylastbirthday.IamcoldandIamalone.Idon'twanttoturnontheradiatorbecauseIamalreadysweating.Icoulddrymyhair,butIdon'tfeellikemoving.IfeellikeIshouldtalktosomeone,butIamafraidofgettingnomorethanthreewordresponses.Ifeellikethisisgettingextremelyredundant,butI'mnotsurethatIcare.

  • uppersIwokeupat1pmtoday.Ihavesinceconsumed3cupsofcoffeeandanadderall.Iamsittinginbedrightnow.Ihaveonlyleftfourtimes.Threetowalktothekitchenforcoffeeandoncetowalktomydresserforadderall.Iwonderif,inretrospect,itwaspossiblyabadideatowashtheadderalldownmythroatwithblackcoffee?Nonetheless,Iamstaringatmycomputerscreen.Thesameasidoeveryday,exceptmywordsperminutehasincreasedexponentially.Ireckonthaticouldpossiblyperformreallywellasasecretaryundertheconditionthatiwasconstantlyonadderall.Whatwasisaying?Ohyes,IamstillstaringatmycomputerscreenIthoughtmaybeicouldworkonmybooktoday.Yeah,theoneIstartedinNovember.Yeah,theonethat'sallaboutsomeoneItryreallyhardtoactivelyremindmyselfIamnolongerinlovewith.Iamcurrentlyintwoseparatechatwindowstalkingtotwoseparatepeoplewhomofwhichbothhavetheinitials"M.J."Maybethatwasn'tworthmentioningAnyway,Iamstillstaringatmycomputerscreen.Wow,Iwonderifiwilleverfinishthisbook.Iamthinkingmaybeidontwanttofinishthisbook,becausemaybewhenifinishthisbookthepersonitisaboutwillfinallyrealizeit'saboutthem.Wow!Ihaveliterallyshownthemseveralpoemsaboutthemandtheyhaven'tsaidanything.Thatsalie.Oncetheyaskedmeifmypoemswereaboutanyone.Itoldthemyesandtheysaid,Iknewit!Haha,it'sfunnybecauseapoemIwrotepriortothatconversationisactuallyaboutthat.Mypoemhadabetterending.

  • iwasgoingtowriteyoualetterbuticouldntfindanygoodstationaryLifeissimultaneouslybreathtakinglybeautifulandutterlyhorrid.Itscaresme.IkeephavingadreamthatIampeelingofmyskinandfoldingitneatlynexttomyself,lyingontheasphaltandhopingIwon'tgethitbyabus.Iwasnevergoodattrustexercises.Icouldneverletmyselffall.It'saromanticnotion,butIjustseeitasfoolish.Hownaiveisittothinksomeoneelsewillcatchyoueventhoughtheylikelywillalsotumbleintheprocess?Iamjaded,yes.Iamstilltryingtodecideifthishurtsmoreorlessthanhavingapromisebroken.

  • ishouldnthavetakenacidwithyouIamonmywaytoaBBQandIfeelreallyAmerican.ThecabdriverjusttoldmeherecommendsSapporobecauseit'scheapandbetterthanmaltliquor.HejustranintothebackofanSUVandtalkedtheownerofthecardownto$100fordamages.Iamonarooftop.Youarehereandwearebothonacid.I'mthinkingaboutNeonIndianandhowthatguyisreallyboring.Youjusttoldmeyouhaveacomprehensivelistofeveryoneyoukissedandwhatyouwereonwhenithappened.I'monthatlistandIdon'tknowhowIfeelaboutit.Thereisagirlhere,sheisalsoonthelist.Herboyfriendseemstoreallyhateyouforit.Iguessthat'snormal,buthestillseemslikeanasshole.Therearealotofprettypeoplehere.Ifeeldirtyandalarminglyselfaware.Wonderingifhealthyrelationshipsareamyth.Wonderingifselflovecaneverbepermanent.Ithinkthatmaybeit'shardtolovewithouthurt.Ithinkthatmaybelove'sfinalformisafaceswollenfromcryinginpublic.Iwanttokisssomeone,butIdon'tknowhowtotellthem.Iwanttowakeupinthemorningandbeinadifferentbody.IwanttolovemyselfmorethanIhavelovedanyoneelse.It'saworkinprogress.

  • feralThinkingabouthowhardIusedtotrytobetheperfectgirlandhowIwasneversatisfied.Howitjustmademedigupaholetoputallmyrealfeelingsin.Afterawhileitbeganoverflowing,soIstoppedleavingbed.Iwouldfindrazorsonthesidewalkandkeepthem.IrememberthefirsttimeIheldoneinmyhand,thinkingtomyself"it'snottoolateyetallIhavetodoisdropthis."Ikeptitinasmallpocketinmycoat."Forprotection"Ireassuredmyself.Iwascarefulonlytobreakskininplaceswheretheanswer"Iwasplayingwithastraycat"wouldsatisfycuriosity.Thentherewerethelessdetectableways.Theonesnoonewouldaskaboutbecausewewereallsoyoungandwild.SwallowingvarioustypesofpoisonuntilIwouldloselargeblocksoftime.ThinkingIjustwantedtogotosleepandneverwakeup.RealizingIcouldn'thideeventhen.Comingtowalkingaroundtownbarefootinthemiddleofanintersectionat4inthemorningandnotknowinghowIgotthere.RunningintostrangerswhoaskedwhatkindofdrugsIwason.BrushingthemoffbecauseIwasn'tonany.Iwouldsleepwithpeopleiftheywantedme.Ineverwantedthem,butthatdidn'treallymatter.Someofthemwouldyellatme.Onetoldmehowiftheyweretheirfathertheywouldbeatme.Myfriendwastherewhenthathappened.Icriedforawhileandhetoldeveryoneitdidn'tseemthatbad.Icriedandtriedtofightoneofthemoff,buthedidn'tthinkitwasthatbad."Ithoughtyoulikedbeinghurt."Ibegantorealizethatwasmyrole.Iwasthecrazyone.Thelostpetthatnooneeverputsignsupfor.Ididn'thaveahomeanymore.Ineverhadone.Ididn'tevenhavemyownbody.Iwasn'tsureifitwasmewhoranawayorifIhadbeenabandonedanymore.Idoveintothatpitnotsolongagoandnearlydrowned.IhidthingsfrommyselfforsolongnowthateventhoughIknowIdon'thavetotrysohardtobesomethingIneverwasit'seasytorelapse.Idon'tleavebedmuchlatelyandI'mgettingworried.Inareallypassi