[I Am Endlessly Creating Myself] writings from 2014 - 2015

By Courtney-Jane Bell

Table of Contents

1. You and I

2. Diamond Pupil

3. Remember to not

remember

4. So this is love

5. Jealous

6. Caution

7. Sext:

8. Lost in Translation

10. Cry Me a River

11. SOS

12. The

Juxtaposition

13. Sink

14. In My Next Life

15. But Can I?

16. I’m not // I am

17. Just In Case

18. An Echo, A Stain

19. Treasure

20. Rot

21. On Repeat

22. Interwoven//Inte

rtwined

23. The Pursuit of

Happiness

24. Old Feelings

26. YOU MAKE ME

FEEL LIKE THE

INSIDE OF A

LAVA LAMP

27. Touch

28. The 11th

Commandment

29. A Title

Regarding Love

30. 3:27am

31. 4:13pm

32. If You Are Lucky,

You Get Old

33. I Am So Quick To

Outgrow People

34. Eternal Moral

Support

35. …

36. Plus, I’m Scared

of Heights

37. You Are Cosmic

38. My Life

39. The First Time You Hear

A Song That Sounds Like

Where You Belong

40. “Only The Good Die

Young”

41. Small But Significant

Moments

42. Gently, Gently, Gently

43. Keeping It Surreal

44. Ephemerality

45. From The Bottom of My

Mended Heart

1

You and I

You and I. We can each look at the

moon. Reflect our longing gaze off

of the moon from two different

places. We can feel each other’s

love mirrored from the luminosity

of the moon. The moon projects

love.

2

Diamond Pupil

I want to rub broken glass into my

eyes. Feel the crunch of the

translucent shards roll and fix

themselves into my globular

organs. Replace the black hole

with a diamond pupil. Feel the

light refract through the rocks,

producing an array of blinding

radiance. Maybe then I will see

beauty within myself.

3

Remember to not

remember

I could fall asleep to the sound of

time passing by. Create a lullaby

made entirely from ticking clocks

and I will forget the world but

remember it all at once. I will

remember my lack of belonging. I

will remember my lack of control.

I will remember how much time

has already slipped by in my

seventeen years of life. I will

remember to not remember time.

4

So this is Love

I am a badly dressed satellite

circling recklessly in your orbit. I

am hopeful of a comet, heavy

with ice and dust, finding its way

into my path directly so that I land

on your terrain. Just so I can

finally touch you.

5

Jealous

I am jealous of the sun for

providing you with more warmth

and life than I ever could. I am

jealous of the moon for providing

you with more hope and wonder

than I could ever cause. I am

jealous of the stars for inspiring

you more than anyone could. I am

jealous of the cosmos for being

everything you need and for its

eternal protection of your soul.

6

Caution

I’m so sorry. Do you think you

could manage being with me? Our

relationship means so much more

to me than my stupid insecurities.

I am in so much love. Please be

careful.

7

Sext:

I’m such a mess of idiocy however

I am strong because I pretend to

not feel anything. I laughed when

you put me out with the trash

because I am trash. I am just

honoured you thought of me.

8

Lost in Translation:

Language of the body translated

for the mind. Language of the

mind translated for the body. Feel

your body. Feel your mind. Sense

what is going on inside of you. I

am tense. Listen to your body.

Turn your ears inward. I hear

weeping. Turn your eyes inward. I

see the raw flesh of my eyelid.

What do you see in different parts

of your body? Translate it for your

mind. Hear the soft cry in your

chest; protected and armoured by

your heart and the harsh

9

knowledge of its unimportance in

others’ lives.

10

Cry Me A River

I drank so much water today it

started flowing from my eyes. I

have consumed the sadness.

11

SOS

Why am I having trouble seeing

myself in the mirror? I am tired of

going through this. Please stitch

my insides so I can stop falling

apart.

12

The Juxtaposition

Cleaning out my inbox, I saw a

direct juxtaposition of how my life

was then to how it is now. The

contrast between “Good luck

finding someone who will love

you” and “I thought I knew what

love was until I met you” is such a

significantly positive change and I

cannot be more grateful for being

with someone so loving and

genuine.

13

Sink

Can I sink into the grass? I want to

sink into the grass. I want to feel

the damp earth swallow me

whole. I want to befriend the

worms and be one with the roots

of weeds. Maybe then I too, will

become a weed. Maybe then I

would rot. Maybe then someone

would want to hold me, pull me

up, rip me from the ground and

discard me so I don’t have to do it

myself.

14

In My Next Life

In my next life I could be a willow

tree. Sway in the breeze and dip

my leaves into a nearby pond. I

could be a trashcan. Hold onto

everyone’s discarded items.

Maybe then I could be of some

use to others. In my next life, I

could be the ocean. Give and take

life. Be salty. Be choppy. Be a

terrifying habitat with beautiful

views.

In my next life, I’m not sure I’d

believe in reincarnation.

15

But Can I?

I can be anything I want but I

don’t want to be anything.

16

I’m not // I am

I’m not eyes glistening in the

sunlight. I’m not hair blowing in

the wind. I am not warm hands on

a winter’s night. I am not the

thighs that you love. I’m not a

pretty little mouth. I am not ears

that are listening carefully. I am

not feet stepping lightly. // I am

just a being in the dark.

17

Just In Case

Stay in bed with me until 5pm

when the world is meant to end.

We will hear about it eventually.

The old man is never right but

maybe one day he will be. Let us

kiss all day until the time comes.

Let us die connected. And if not,

we will kiss again tomorrow.

18

An Echo, A Stain

I am only human and that’s all I’ll

ever be but I still strive to be

more.

Other days, I will not.

I’m just failing at being the

stereotype I’m supposed to fit into

as a human being.

19

Treasure

Your body is a map made of veins

and organs as roads and

destinations.

I want to explore you for all

eternity.

20

Rot

Our heads are filled with confetti.

Our heads are piñata time-bombs.

Let us kiss and blow our confetti-

filled heads up and be together in

the afterlife. Surely it’s more

beautiful than this; even if the

afterlife is just our corpses rotting

in the ground. Our decomposing

bodies will reunite in the cool,

damp earth.

We will have confetti stuck in our

teeth.

21

On Repeat

Your mind: connecting to mine

with ease.

Your eyes: the colour of a storm.

Your smell: lingering in my bed.

Your fingers: soft against my skin.

You: left on repeat inside my

head.

22

Interwoven//Intertwined

My ribs feel tangled.

My ribs are tangled.

Sink into my body.

Let our ribs connect.

Let’s be stuck.

23

The Pursuit of Happiness

I wish my stupid tears could

represent my love for you but

they are not happy enough.

24

Old feelings

Happiness makes me feel guilty.

I don’t necessarily want to die. I

won’t go out of my way to make it

happen. But, if I do, it will be a

relief.

I keep wasting my nights thinking

about how much better I’ll feel

tomorrow but it’s just an endless

cycle.

25

I wish I wasn’t afraid of the sea so

I could drown in it.

I’m unsure if I genuinely think

airplanes are falling sometimes

when they fly over me, or if I just

hope that they are.

26

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE

THE INSIDE OF A LAVA

LAMP

You make me feel like the

inside of a lava lamp.

27

Touch

When I run my fingers along my

skin, along the palm of my hand, I

feel every line and every crease as

though I am dragging my

fingertips over jagged cliffs.

But when I feel your fingertips,

they melt deep into the valleys,

softly flowing into each riverbed

and I am instantly soaking up your

touch.

28

The 11th Commandment

Never judge others by their race,

religion or sexual orientation, but

by the quality of their character.

29

A Title Regarding Love

I want you to whisper my name

like a prayer into my skin.

I want to know how to make you

feel like god just might exist.

I want to be your place of

worship.

I want to be your heaven.

30

3:27am

Everything is fine.

You are not alone.

YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT.

31

4:13pm

I woke up feeling different. I am

actually ok. I am tired of going

through this.

32

If You Are Lucky, You Get

Old

2015 is close. Another year my

skin stretches and my eyes don’t.

Another year holding plenty of

ups and downs - but hopefully

more ups. I will finish high-school.

I will get a job. I will find more of

myself. I will have more

experiences; be more

adventurous, more in love. I will

kiss more and feel more. I will rid

myself of negative people. I will

feel more deserving. Another

year: new skin, old brain.

33

I Am So Quick To Outgrow

People

but you’re always on the tip of my

tongue and behind my eyelids

34

Eternal Moral Support

The Moon is so underrated. The

Moon is the same Moon

Shakespeare and van Gogh and

Mozart gazed at in their time.

The Moon provides comfort for

human beings forever.

(thank you, moon)

35

…

I’m scared I won’t make it. That

my life will end before I get to live

it.

36

Plus, I’m Scared of Heights

I wish I could live in the sky.

But then again, I wouldn’t get to

see the sky for what I know it to

be. Instead, I’d see our decaying

Earth.

I’d rather be apart of this

destruction and continue my

appreciation and admiration of

the sky from a distance.

It’s nice to wonder about the sky

anyway.

37

You Are Cosmic

Record the sound of your

heartbeat and listen to it when

you feel like it will fade away. You

will never fade away. I am

reminded of you in everything.

I could trace the purple galaxies

on your eyelids with the tip of my

finger.

38

My Life

I feel sick thinking about art and

affording things.

39

The First Time You Hear a Song

That Feels like Where You

Belong

Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

Relax.

Let rhythm possess your body and

soul.

The rest is just history.

40

“Only The Good Die Young”

Lucky I am so awful.

41

Small But Significant

Moments:

taking in a view you’ll never

remember

Falling asleep next to someone,

breathing on each others face

A cry that consumes your entire

body; draining you of all bad

things

Driving away from the house

you grew up in

Finding something that was lost

42

Gently, Gently, Gently

Let us slow dance off of a

building together.

43

Keeping It Surreal

It feels as though everything

outside of my world is falling

apart.

Colour me impressed.

Usually it is my world;

however, I am wearing eight

past lives and can ’t rid the

scent of sandalwood incense

from my flesh.

Bring me flowers so I can ruin

another life that is not my

own.

44

Ephemerality

Stop and gaze at your

surroundings. Soak in the

elements that bring you joy.

Stop and look at your loved

ones for a moment. Inhale

their pain. Appreciate the

Earth. Exhale your pain.

Admire the beauty of the

insects’ fragility. Notice how

the clouds shift and the

colours of the sky are ever-

changing. Allow yourself to be

caught in moments like these

but do not forget them.

45

From The Bottom Of My

Mended Heart

Thank you.