Humor for the Day

8/14/2019 Humor for the Day

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Humor for the dayDefinitions Reprogrammed

1. After Marriage: A state in which husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they justcan't face each other, but still they stay together.

2. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

3. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

4. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

5. Classic: A book which people praises, but does not read.

6. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing canbe done together.

7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such away that everybody believes he got thebiggest piece.

8. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

9. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagreeslater on.

10. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest, except that he got caught.

11. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

12. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually lookforward to the trip.

13. Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

14. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

15. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never feltbefore.

16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

18. Father: A banker provided by nature.

19. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of

the students without passing through "the minds of either".

20. Love: Something you can't buy, but pay dearly for it

21. Love Affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular thana five-day test.

22. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a womangains her master.
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(Alternate) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is ahusband!

23. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

24. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

25. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am notinjured yet."

26. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter inword OPPORTUNITY.

27. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

28. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

29. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

30. Smile: A facial curve that can set a lot of things straight.

31. Tears: A hydraulic force which makes feminine waterpower to conquer over masculinewill-power.

32. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is s*x all you ever think about?

MENS ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry


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2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have s*x now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have s*x?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have s*x with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have s*x with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have s*x with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have s*x with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

The genie

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find anantique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "Iusually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" saysthe admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in theworld." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing onthe beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of mylife." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two backin the office after lunch."

Beach

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi. "Where you been for the past two weeks ? No one seen youaround."

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail ?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me andthrow me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"
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Why most professions are dirty?

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what heshoots.

How to ask your boss for a raiseOne day you send a letter to your boss asking for an increase in your salary!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tandingof the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $erviceto your company.I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,EmployeeThe next day you receive this letter in reply!Oh my dear:

I kNO w you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. Youmust have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NO w the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the UnitedStates may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections thingsmay turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,Manager

Mother Murphy's Laws

THE FRANKLIN FACTOR:Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
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THE RAT RACE:If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.

THE EYEGLASS PRESCRIPTION:Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.

THE RING RULE:A watched telephone never rings.

THE CREEP CALL:Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.

THE FISHING FORECAST:They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROGNOSIS:Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage.

THE ROPE TRICK:Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.

MIND OVER MATTER:No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.

THE FAULT FINDER:The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

THE UNINTENDED RESULT:1.Men's desire for s*x sometimes results in intimacy.2. Womens desire for intimacy often results in s*x.

THE RABBIT RULE:Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

THE DANGLE DOCTRINE:You can't keep a good man down.

TWAIN'S TRUTH:Familarity breed children.

THE FERTILITY FACTOR:Women are only fertile a few days each month...unless they're single.

THE PREPARATION PREDICAMENT:The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for s*x, the more likely he's fallen asleep by

the time you're ready.

Why Beer Is Better Than Women?

1. You can pick up a beer in any bar in town.2. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.3. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.4. A beer will never complain about your beer belly.
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5. A beer won't get jealous if you bring home other beers.6. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.7. A beer won't throw things if you come home after 2am.8. A beer won't ever expect you to buy it flowers.9. You don't have to take your socks off with a beer.10. Hangovers are only temporary.

12 Tips from junior employees to senior managers on how to enhance theirrelationship

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:55 and then bring it to me. Thechallenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it'sgoing. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to becreative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I needto learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening door is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which the priority is. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anythingto do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until

the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewddeductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone isless fortunate.

Newlywed repairs

A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively. "I feelterrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of yourtrousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants forthat suit."

"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use apiece from them to patch the hole!"
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A man answers the phone.....

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

'Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more

firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me. I rememberyou told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you beggedme not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right.'

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, 'Gladys, your motherwants to talk to you!'

Laloo Hamara Neta

What would be changed if Laloo Prasad becomes India's Prime Minister:

1. National Anthem: Khana Pina Adhik Zaroorat hai...

2. National Attire: Dhoti & Kurta

3. National Drink: Fresh Buffalo Milk

4. National Animal: Buffalo, from Bihar

5. National Sport: Milking Buffalo (morning), Buffalo Race (evening)

6. Corporate Language: Enlish-va

7. National Toy: A. K. 58

8. National Family Planning Policy: Hum Do, Humare Ek Dozen

9. National Documentary Film: Laloo Ban Gaya Gentleman

10. National Vehicle: Buffalo Cart

11. National Recreation: Pro-creation

Laloo's Slogan:

Jab Tak Rahega Samosa Me Aloo,Tab Tak Rahega Hamara P.M. Laloo

Bollywood style love letter

When I am: Kareeb

There is only: Khamoshi

I want to speak: Dil Se


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That's my kind of: Ishq

I want this to be: Gupt

As I always have: Darr

That I will loose you: Sajani

And that would be great: Sadma

I am your: Mr.Aashique

But sometimes bit: Deewana

Tell me: Hum Aapke Hain Kaun

As I feel : Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

In this : Duniya Dilwalon Ki

I told you: Maine Pyar Kiya

May be : Dil To Pagal Hai

Because:Jab Pyar Kisise Hota Hai

The whole world appears as: Dushman

But anyway: Pyar To Hona Hi Tha

A Gujju spesal (no offence guys, just humor)

Q) Why did the gujju go to Rome ?A) He wanted to listen to POPE music.

Q) Why won't the gujju jeweller sell anything to the UP ka bhayiya?A) The bhayiya kept giving gujju a bunch of hair each time the gujju asked for KESH.

Q) What will a Gujju tell a tomato, coming last in a tomato race? (in case of one)A) Tomato KETCHUP.

Q) Why did the gujju go to London?A) To see BIG BEHN.

Q) What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?A) Ramesh's son failed in statistics...

What if the I.T. industry starts producing movies? Some movie titles may be likethese : --

Aao Chat Kare


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Munna Bhi MCSA

Kal MSN Ho Na Ho

Love in MIRC

ID Mil Gaya

Chat To Karo

Ek Programmer Thi

Yeh Hack Horaha Hai

Hum Pyar PC Se Kar Baithe

Network Ke Us Paar

Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai

C Wale Job Le Jayenge

Programmer No.1

Mera Naam Developer

Hum Apke Memory Mein Rahate Hein

Do Processor, Baarah Terminal

Tera Code Chal Gaya

Har Din Jo Mail Karega

Debugging Koi Khel Nahi

Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehatha Hai

Raju Ban Gaya MCSE ..!

Client Ek Numbari, C Programmer Dus Numbari

Login Karo Sajana

Naukar PC Ka

1942 -- A Bug Story

Kaho Na Virus Hai

Crash Se Crash Tak

Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai


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Shaheed Hacker Singh

Password De Ke Dekho

Terminal Apna , Login Parayi

Mr. Network Lal

Terminal Sajaake Rakhna

Hackers Ka Raja, Debuggers Ki Rani

Kyonki Mein Debug Nahin Karta

Phir Theri Java-script Yaad Aayi

Hang To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!!!!!!!!

Circuit - Bhai ye bata Akal badhi ki bhains?Munna Bhai - Pehele apun ko date of birth bata tabhi to bataega tereku, aisehi khali peelitime khoti karta hai sala."

"What is Ford?Munna Bhai - Gaadi BAP aur kya?

What is Oxford?Munna Bhai - BOLE TO Bail Gaadi BAP, itna bhi nahi janta!"

Circuit - Apun ka Bapu bahut shana tha BAP, sher ke pinjre me ghus gaya !Munnai Bhai - Bahar kaise nikla re?Circuit - Waiche tou lafda bapu bahar nahi nikla!"

Circuit - Tu pareshan kyun hai?Munna Bhai - Sale mai bap banne wala hai!Circuit starts dancing.Munna Bhai - Nachna band kar sale, teri Bhabhi ka bacha nahi hai."

Lady Dr - Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade hokar auraton ko kyun ghoorte ho?Circuit "Bai ji aapichh wahan likhe na - Auraton ko dekhne ka samay 9am -11am"Why did the Gujju think the film Gandhi was about a woman?Because Be(h)n Kingsley was in it.

Why is India a banana republic?Because Rajiv keeps chanting, "Hame ye banana hai, wo banana hi

What is a Sindhi who falls from the first floor called?Thadani.

What is a Sindhi who falls from the 17th. floor called?Kriplani.

What is a Sindhi who falls from the 30th. floor called?Marjani.


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Maine poocha chand se ki dekha hai kahin mere yaar se hasin...Chand ne kaha... Ullu ke patthe... itni upar se dikhta hai kya koi?

He: "Janeman, is dil mein chali aao."She: "Sandal nikaloon kya?"He: "Pagli, yeh mandir nahin hai, aise hi aa jao."

Why did Bill Clinton have the Gujju beaten?The Gujju told him: "You are an impotent man."

What do you call a Bong who takes bribe?Mr Goosh.

What do you call a sardar who has only 1 drink?Just-1 Singh.Q) Why did the gujjus take 50 paise when they went to watch "GANDHI"?A) They read Atten (8 annas) bourough in the credits.

Q) Why was the gujju stacking up 1 cent coins on the day before exams ?A) He wanted to get "cent-par-cent" .

Q) What did the Gujju have in the morning?A) LIGHT SNAKES for breakfast.

Q) What did the Gujju say to the singing prostitute?A) You are going from BED To VERSE.

Q) Why did the gujju think Gandhi was acted by a woman in "GANDHI"?A) They read Ben (behn) Kingsley did the acting.

Here is a little clarification of corporate lingo.

Competitive salary:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our fast-paced company:

We have no time to train you.

Casual Work Atmosphere:

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guyswear earrings.

Must be deadline oriented:

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtimes required:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Duties will vary:


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Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail:

We have no quality control.

Career-minded:

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person:

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

No phone calls please:

We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience:

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

Problem-solving skills a must:

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills:

Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills:

Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I am extremely adept at all manner of office organization:

I've used Microsoft Office.

I am honest, hardworking and dependable:

I pilfer office supplies.

My pertinent work experience includes:

I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.

I take pride in my work:

I blame others for my mistakes.

I am personable:

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.


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I am extremely professional:

I carry a Day-Timer.

I am adaptable:

I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:

I'm never at my desk.

Movies and their meaning to s/w professionals

Sajan Chale Sasural : Computer professional coming to US.

1942, a Love story : Sticking to one company for more than a year.

Dil to Pagal Hai : Staying in India, dreaming of US.

Sapnay: Green card.

Sadma: Rejected H-1(B) Visa.

Khalnayak : Bodyshoppers.

Deewana Mastana : Project Manager - Team Leader.

Rakhwala: Project Manager.

Mr. Bechara: Computer professional in Singapore.

Zanjeer: Company bond.

Himmatwala : Breaking company bond.

Tohfa: H-4 Visa for your Wife.

Mawaali: Before coming to US.

Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman: Once you are in US.

Chaudhvin ka Chand: Assembly programmer.

Sahib Bibi aur Ghulam: Client, your company and you.

Shehanshah: Bill Gates.

Aadmi Sadak Ka:Jumping from company to company.

Dayawan: Company paying full salary in bench.

Anari:Year2000 programmer.


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Phool Aur Kaanten: Microsoft - IBM.

Aaj Ka Gunda Raaj: Microsoft Monopoly in IT market.

Maharaja: Doctors who came to US in 70's

Hairaan: Non-Computer professionals on seeing computer professional's pay-check.

Hum Aapke Hain Koun: Illegal Immigrants in US.

Aur Pyar Ho Gaya: After staying in US for a Year.

Pardes: India after 2 Years.

Daud: Coming to US.

Rangeela: After getting Green Card.

Bahaar Aane Tak:Time period between Green Card and Citizenship.

Desh Premee: Going back to India for good.

Farz: Going to India every year.

Pyaasa: Longing for a Visa.

Agneepath: Going to Madras Consulate for getting a Visa.

Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar: After coming from consulate with a Visa.

Bud Naseeb: Not getting a Visa

Elan-E-Jung: Asking for increment.

Gupt: Agreement of Programmer with number of consultants.

Zakmee: After getting rejected twice for a Visa.

Swarg Se Sundar: On landing in US.

Ab Kya Hoga?: Applied for Green Card too late.

Jallad: INS People.

Kranti: Increase H-1 quota.

Main Khiladi Tu Anari:You and Immigration Officer.

The Bollywood bug

Clinton arrives in Mumbai and is impressed by Bollywood. He wants to be in Hindi moviesand he starts dreaming...

Bill was in the Oval office and he started singing "Yeh Bill Na hota bechara, kadam na hote


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awara."

At that moment, Lewinsky, who was passing by, heard it and responded "Bill, Dhak dhakkarne laga, mora jiyorra darne laga."

And Bill, brimming with thrill, rushed and opened the door and realized he is the President of

the USA. So he paused and looked at her like Ajay Devgan from "Pyar To Hona Hi Tha".But Monica could hear Kumar Sanu's song, and said, "Dil-Bill, Pyar Wyar, Main kya janoo re"

He gazed into her eyes like Bobby Deol in Kareeb and sang "Chori Chori jab nazzare mili,chori chori jab Bill ne kaha, chori mein bhi hai mazaa!"

Then he pulled her into his office and thought of Aamir Khan in Ghulam -"Aankhon se tuneye kya keh diya, Bill ye diwana machalne laga."

Monica picked up the cue and replied like Rani Mukherjee - "yeh kya hua, pehle to aisa hotana tha..."

Bill then closed the door with a mischievious smile and sang "Hum tum ek kamre mein bandhon aur chaabi kho jaaye..." The rest is history.

The poor security guards outside could only hear the full throated song from Dil Se "Bill se,Bill se Bill se, Bill to aakhir bill hain na..."

Monica met her best friend Linda Tripp and confessed about her affair - "Mera Bill bhi kitnapagal hai, pyar jo mujhse karta hai."

Tripp recorded Monica's confessions and went to legal eagle Kenneth Starr with her cassetteand screamed "Le gayee Bill, Lewinsky..paagal mujhe kar diya".

Starr called Clinton and asked "Yeh kya hua, kaise hua kab hua..."

But Bill cleverly interrupted and said "Oh chhodo, ye na poocho.."

But Starr persisted and sang "Jhoot bole kowaa kaate.."

Now Bill was very angry with Monica and called her up.

Bill: Aye, kya bolti tu?

Monica: Aye, Kya main boloon..?

Bill: Sun Monica: Suna

Bill: Kyon kiya ghotala?

Monica: Kya karoon, ho gayi thi kantala

Finally Clinton decided to tell Starr all, "Bill kya kare jab kisi se kisi ko pyaar ho jaye...".,

to which Starr had a ready reply, "Aye Bill hai mushkil jeena yahan, jara bach ke, jara hat ke,yeh hai White House meri Jaan!"


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Ajit scenes

Scene: Ajeet comes to know about the traitor in his gang.

Ajeet: Raabert, ise ShamePain mein daal do, agar Shame se nahi mara to Pain se mar

jayega.

Scene: Ajit is leering at a girl who happens to be the sister of one of the extras.

Extra: ''Saab bechaari goongi hai.''

Ajit: ''are hum kahaan usse ramayan padhvaane jaa rahe hain.''

Robert: Boss, China se Mr. Hu aayee hain.Ajit: Goli maar do. Hu mar jaane par humor ban ke sab ko hasaayenge.

Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.Ajeet: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.

Raabert: Magar kyoon baas ?

Ajeet: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.

Ajeet: Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger starrt kar do.Raabert: Lekin kyoon, baas?

Ajeet: Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.

Ajeet: Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?

Raabert: Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai. Ajeet: Saaleh ko sabaksikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone milana.

Raabert: Yes Boss.

Ajeet: (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa hamare kabze meinhai .......

Rejected one liners

Man: "Haven't we met before?"Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."


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Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?


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Important facts women need to know about men

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain

and bought jewelry.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are morewomen than men, it pays to recycle.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

All men like to belch. Women are NOT supposed to do that. It's just a male thing.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.(It's their clothes that are not clean.)

Women just need to tell men "they love them" once in a while. Any more than that and you

could scare them away.

James Bond vs Hyderabad guy

James Bond Style : The character James Bond has a peculiar style of introducing himself bysaying first Bond, then followed by great smile & finally James Bond.

His style is absolutely killing but he doesn't know the consequences when he meets ourgreat south indian guy.

When Bond meets a Hyderabad guy

James Bond : "My name's Bond...(smiles and then says).... James Bond."

James Bond: "And you?"

Telugu Guy : "I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai... Laxminarayana Siva VenkataSai....Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Rajasekhara Srinivasulu LaxminarayanaSiva Venkata Sai..... Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana SivaVenkata Sai.... Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana SivaVenkata Sai....

James Bond faints!!!

Mallu's Sense of Humour - Color Test

A "Mallu" female (from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of aSECRETARY.

When the manager saw the Mallu's colourful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jetblack hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN."

Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu.


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So he told her "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be Iwill give you a chance. The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE andBLACK."

The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said :

I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I sayYELLOW......BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number ........Don't PURPLELYdisturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Thank you."

The Manager fainted.......

Leave applications

1. Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to myvillage to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan"ceremony of his 10 year old son: "As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for twodays.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing hisdaughter's wedding: "As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only oneresponsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremationground at 10 O'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter: "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering fromheadache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grantme leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as Iam her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both(!! ) for the past several years andI can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.


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Q: Whats the opposite of Gopalakrishnan?A: Comepalakrishnan.

Q: Do you know why the name of Madras was replaced by Chennai???A: Because...a Madrassi wears lungi and there is no zip means Chen...nai...

Q: How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu?A: Ready....Steady.....PO

Q: What do you call a really colorful Tamilian?A: Rangamannar Rangarajan.

Q: How does a Tamilian introduce the Tennis superstar Lendl?A: Avan Lendl (Ivan = 'he' in Tamil).And of course, the grand finale............The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'heart isumbrella'. Which movie did he really want to see?

Dil Chhata Hai.......

Good and bad news

A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on theother end. "Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have badnews and good news."

The man, taken back, asks hesitantly, "What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on arespirator for the rest of her life."

"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"

The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

A Computer User's Prayer

Dear God,

Help me log on without frettingGuide me as I'm internetingBless my downloading and uploadingKeep my browser from exploding.

May my website be protectedLet not my password be rejectedKeep my line connection clear......


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and let tech support be always near!

Please keep all my programs alive,and be sure to back up my hard drive!And protect my computer from catching......a virus and end up crashing!

Scroll down

A husband and wife are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eat,and breathes computers.

She finally realized how bad it had gotten when he was scratching his back one day.

"No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."

Screen Saver

Bill Gates passes away and goes up to heaven where he is met by God."Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you toHeaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almostevery home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows.

"I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where youwant to go."

Bill replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look atHell first?"

"Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There werethousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing andfrolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

"This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in abeautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Bill Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe Iwould like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things weregoing. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a darkcave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
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"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all!What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh THAT?!" said God. "That was the Screen Saver."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, you must each possess something thatsymbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "Itrepresents a candle" he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them andsaid, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pairof women's knickers.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do thosesymbolize Christmas?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Dr. Seuss Computer Manual

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,and the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
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thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,

The you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Engagement ring

The Sardarni asked her lover, Santa SinghSanta Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?Sure replied Santa, What's your phone number?

Santa and Banta boasting of their parents achievements

Santa: 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'Banta: 'Yes, I have'Santa: 'Well, my father dug it.'Banta: 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?'Santa: 'Yes, I have.'Banta: 'Well, my father killed it.'

Sardarji proposes to a woman.

She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.He sets off to Africa and disappears.

Finally a search is being made; they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing ahuge one.

He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *AGAIN* bare feet!"

Egyptian museumSanta and Banta were looking at mummies in an Egyptian museumSanta: Bechara! Pattiyan hi pattiyan lagi hain... Kitne chotein lagi hain isko... Zaroor truckaccident mein mara hoga...Banta: haan, truck ka number bhi likha hai - A.D. 1460

A Sardarji and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. Theystop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then getback on the road.When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for 350. The Sardarjiexplodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's anice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is thestandard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to
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the Sardarji, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a hugeconference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.But we didn't use them", the Sardarji complains.Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they

could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainersfrom New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.But we didn't go to any of those shows," sardarji complains again."Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility theManager mentions, the sardarji replies "But we didn't use it". The Manager is unmoved, andeventually the Sardarji finally gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it tothe Manager.

The Manager is surprised when the looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is onlymade out for $100." "That's right," says the sardarji, "I charged you $250 for sleeping withmy wife.""But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager."Well," the Sardarji replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Humor for the Day

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