HowWeLoveWorkshopSyllabus.273220815

Milan & Kay Yerkovich 1

“How We Love”

A Relationship Workshop.

Presented by Milan & Kay Yerkovich

www.howwelove.com

Milan & Kay Resources, Inc.

Copyright © 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

http://www.howwelove.com/


BIBLICAL UNIVERSAL TRUTHS THAT BEAR UPON OUR RELATIONSHIPS

1. Marriage is “special” and “sacred” (Genesis 2):

♦ Male and female are above the rest of creation in that they are made in the “image and likeness” of God and were designed to complement one another. “Aloneness” is replaced by “relationship”.

♦ We are not “one” per se, rather we are individual persons “glued” together, who can enjoy being “one flesh” (sexual union).

♦ Marriage is the most sacred of all human institutions, in that God has joined man and woman together. It is to be carefully guarded, preserved and nurtured. and should not to be broken apart.

2. Marriage is threatened and actively opposed by our enemy Satan and God’s creation is now tainted by “sin” which introduces stress into all relationships (Genesis 3-4, Romans 8): ♦ There is a “tension” in life as a result of “The Curse”. This is true in regards to the general

stream of history as well as our current daily existence. . ♦ There is a special tension or “power struggle” that God said would be present within the

marriage relationship (desire = control vs. rule = lead). We are “swimming up stream”. 3. Marriage is to have a “structure” that allows for growth, restoration and healing (Ephesians

5:22-33, I Corinthians 11:3): ♦ God instructs us to “work through” this “power struggle” by assuming specific roles within

the marriage relationship. The husband is the initiator / lover and the wife is the responder. ♦ There is a tremendous emphasis and direction to the husband to aggressively love his wife

imitating the model of Christ loving the Church. He is to be the loving leader of the home, taking initiative for the growth and well-being of himself, his wife and the children.

♦ Ultimately, marriage is the place where healing takes place. We all sin and have been hurt by the sin of others. Initially our response is often like Adam and Eves. We are afraid, so we hide from God. We seek to cover the “nakedness” of our wrongdoing and blame others. The chief end of marriage then is to so love and nurture (and to be loved and nurtured) that we progress toward greater “safety” so we can be naked (transparent) and unafraid (vulnerable) in the relationship spiritually, emotionally and physically.

4. Successful Christian marriage involves individual responsibility for growth and change. We will each give an account of ourselves at the “judgment seat of Christ” (Gal.5:22, 6:7, II Cor. 5:9-10). ♦ Christian growth is the key to improved relationships. God uses the family (marriage and

children as well as other relationships) as his main instruments of helping us grow. Within families, we have the capacity to see our weaknesses and we can’t hide from our spouses and children so, we need to learn from them. We can accept or resist this. It is a “tearing down” / “exposing” before the “building up” process can really begin.

♦ As we each individually mature in Christ, God’s character qualities increasingly blossom within each of our lives. We grow in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control! These qualities allow us to create the homes, marriages and relationships that we truly desire.



CYCLE OF BONDING

Feelings Needs are

Trust (0-1 year old) passionately expressed.

Relief

(Response of Mother)

Thoughts & Feelings Secure attachment style

(1-6 years old) Needs are Trust & appropriately

Respect expressed & full range of

emotions learned. Relief

With limits and boundaries. The child is taught to delay

gratification and acknowledge the needs of others as well as

his / her own needs.

Thoughts & Feelings Injured attachment Styles. Needs not expressed (If cycle or inappropriately Distrust, confusion is broken by expressed with limited and lack of respect. parental emotions. dysfunction.)

No relief...frustration.



EFFECTS OF A SECURE IMPRINT CARRIED INTO ADULTHOOD Beliefs and characteristics of the Secure Adult: Adults with a secure imprint believe relationships

provide safety, nurture, comfort and support. They are confident, well adjusted and able to take risks. Because they are able to deeply bond with others spiritually, emotionally, and physically, they easily give and receive comfort, love and care. They have an awareness of their own feelings and needs as well as the feelings and needs of others. Good listening skills enable them to draw out others. They are able to see and accept the good and bad in themselves and in others, not idealizing or devaluing. Able to take initiative, and resourceful in meeting goals, they can also delay gratification. They are capable of communicating a wide range of emotions in socially acceptable ways. The ability to negotiate and compromise helps them resolve conflict, and while problems are challenging, they are not overwhelming. Resourcefulness and creativity are evident in problem solving. They can easily say “No!”, and are able to set limits to protect themselves from destructive, unhealthy, requests or relationships. Positive relational experiences help the secure adult to accept love, grace and even discipline from God. They feel loved and valued by God, and display resiliency when they encounter spiritual dilemmas.

KEY CONCEPTS ABOUT ADULT BONDING:

• Important relationships are dynamic not static. • With every successful completion of this cycle, trust develops and security and love

blossoms which moves the relationship to a higher plane. • With every unsuccessful completion of this cycle, the relationship steadily declines and

deteriorates.

BONDING & ATTACHMENT SCRIPTURES:

• I Thessalonians 2: 7-12 • Isaiah 66:10-14

CONTROLLING OURSELVES IN THE WAY WE SPEAK TO ONE ANOTHER:

Psalm 51:6; Psalm 139:23-24; Proverbs 16:21-23; 17:27; 18:2; 18:21; 19:19; 20:5; Ephesians 4:25-27; James 1:19-20; James 3:1-18; I Peter 3:8-9.

OUR GOAL: TO BE BONDED TOGETHER!



COMFORT CYCLE

The way that we create bonding.

1. SEEK AWARENESS Self-reflection to understand

feelings and underlying needs. Note: The wonderful result of completing the comfort circle will be increasing trust, love and bonding. Your injured attachment style will begin to heal and you will begin to move toward a state of earned secure attachment. This will in turn allow your to “feel again” and repeat the circle. ☺ 2. ENGAGE “Speaker” openly acknowledges feelings and needs. 4. RESOLUTION BRINGS RELIEF & COMFORT The listener meets the needs of the speaker with actions and responses (whenever possible), while at the same time being clear and direct as to what you can and cannot do for the other person. Meeting needs may need to be deferred until an agreed upon time. 3. EXPLORE AND

FIND OUT MORE This involves clear “speaker” and

“listener” roles where the speaker’s needs, thoughts, and feelings

are explored. Thoughtful questions by the “listener” further clarify the inner emotions of the speaker and the listener

validates the speaker’s feelings even if they disagree with the other’s perceptions. Listener concludes with the question:

“What do you need?” (Warning: If hurtful action or non-action takes place

instead of completing the comfort cycle, then the relationship will continue to deteriorate

toward a lower level of distrust and pain.)



THE LISTENER LISTENER GOALS: “But let every one be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1: 19-20).” The goal is to enter the perspective and mindset of the other person until I can see the situation through their eyes. We need to ask questions and probe for deeper understanding and expand our knowledge of the other’s feelings, thoughts and experiences. LISTEN CALMLY: • Don’t defend yourself, argue, explain or problem solve. You don’t have to agree with what you

are hearing in order to listen and explore. • Focus on the speaker’s experience, not yours. CONTROL YOUR REACTIVENESS: • Remember, when defenses go up…..listening goes down. Remind yourself: I can listen with

an open mind even if I disagree. The speaker is a separate person with his or her own feelings, thoughts, personality and family history.

BE AWARE OF YOUR NON -VERBAL RESPONSES: • Don’t roll eyes, sigh, groan, or give responses that stop communication. • Maintain eye contact and encourage the Speaker to continue. FOUR STEPS OF LISTENING 1. Listen, ask the speaker to stop and let you summarize if it gets to long. 2. Repeat back in your own words what you heard and check for accuracy. 3. Ask questions that will broaden your understanding. 4. Respond with empathy, … “I see what you are saying” or “I can see how you might feel that way.”

GOOD QUESTIONS TO ASK: • Tell me more, I want to understand. • How does that make you feel? • Are there other times you have felt this? Are there times you felt this as a child? • Are you hurt? Afraid? Scared? Angry? • What are your Hopes? Expectations? Desires? • Don’t ask “Why”? (It is often accusatory) Ask: Where?, How?, Who?, What?, questions. • If you are wrong, don’t apologize until you have fully listened. RESOLUTION: Key guiding question: “What do you need right now?” • Ownership: “I need you to admit and own the problem, infraction or mistake.” • Forgiveness: “I need a well thought through forgiveness statement and an apology.” • Little or nothing: “You know, I don’t think I need anything right now, I just feel better having

gotten that off my chest.” • Reassurance: “I need to hear from you that things will be OK, or that you will work on this or

that you still really love me!” • Agree to disagree: “While we still do not agree on this I do feel like we understand and accept

one another.” • Negotiation: “I need for us to find some middle ground or a compromise on this!” • Analysis / problem solving: “Would you hap me figure out how to solve or fix this reoccurring

problem?” • Comfort and Nurture: “Would you please hold me and comfort me while I cry?”



THE SPEAKER

SPEAKER GOALS: “Speak truth, each one of you for we are members of one another (Ephesians 4:25-32).” The goal is to choose a topic of concern that you would like to explore and to share your concerns in a way that minimizes defensiveness in the listener. GET STARTED: • Make a clear statement about your desire to talk about ONE TOPIC. For example, “I need to

talk to you about the monthly finances”. Don’t hint (“Maybe we could spend some time together”) and don’t drop bombs (“Well the bank is going to take the house this month”).

• Check the listener’s readiness to listen and agree upon a time. “When would be a good time for you to discuss this?”

TRY THE FOLLOWING: • Introduce the issue you’d like to discuss by talking about yourself, your experiences, and your

feelings. • Use “I” statements rather than “YOU” statements. For example, “I am feeling sad that I didn’t

get to spend any time with you” instead of “You are always busy and never have time for me”. If you need to share something negative about the listener, start and end with a positive affirmation about them.

• If the Listener is causing you to feel unsafe, share what is happening (or could happen) that is making you feel unsafe. For example, “I am feeling unsafe because your tone of voice sounds disinterested and defensive.”

• If you have a concern about how the talk might go, start with it that. For example, “I need to have you listen without the television on.”

EXPRESS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS Use feeling words to help explain your experience. Be honest. Pretending or minimizing is dishonest. Speak the truth in the most loving way you can. Be vulnerable. Try not to avoid pain or embarrassment that may be a part of sharing deep feelings. IF YOU ARE ANGRY Try and discover the feeling under the anger. Hurt and sad feelings are usually underneath the

anger. Take a “time-out” if necessary. Don’t use time-out as a way to escape and avoid. The following

statement works well… “I’m getting so angry that I need to call a ‘time-out’ so I can cool down and we will continue this talk in (10 minutes, 1 hour etc.).”DO NOT blame, accuse or name call. This always is destructive.



SOUL WORDS A Feelings Word List

HAPPY, cheerful, delighted, elated, encouraged, glad, gratified, joyful, lighthearted, overjoyed, pleased, relieved, satisfied, thrilled, secure. LOVING, affectionate, cozy, passionate, romantic, sexy, warm, tender, responsive, thankful, appreciative, refreshed, pleased. HIGH ENERGY, energetic, enthusiastic, excited, playful, rejuvenated, talkative, pumped. motivated, driven, determined, obsessed. AMAZED, stunned, surprised, shocked, jolted, perplexed. ANXIOUS, uneasy, embarrassed, frustrated, nauseated, ashamed, nervous, restless, worried, stressed. CONFIDENT, positive, secure, self assured, assertive. PEACEFUL, at ease, calm, comforted, cool, relaxed, serene. AFRAID, scared, anxious, apprehensive, boxed in, burdened, confused, distressed, fearful, frightened, guarded, hard pressed, overwhelmed, panicky, paralyzed, tense, terrified, worried, insecure. TRAUMATIZED, shocked, disturbed, injured, damaged, confused. ANGRY, annoyed, controlled, manipulated, furious, grouchy, grumpy, irritated, provoked, frustrated. LOW ENERGY, beaten down, exhausted, tired, weak, listless, depressed, detached, withdrawn, indifferent, apathetic. ALONE, avoidant, lonely, abandoned, deserted, forlorn, isolated, cut off, detached. SAD, unhappy, crushed, dejected, depressed, desperate, despondent, grieved, heartbroken, heavy, weepy. BETRAYED, deceived, fooled, duped, tricked. CONFUSED, baffled, perplexed, mystified, bewildered. ASHAMED, guilty, mortified, humiliated, embarrassed, exposed



WHY DO RELATIONAL PROBLEMS DEVELOP? 1. Inadequate modeling, teaching and quite possibly hurt and pain from our family of origin

(FOO) resulting injured attachment experience. 2. Roles or defenses learned in childhood that protected the child then, but if maintained into

adulthood, will block and hinder intimacy now. 3. Restrictions of emotional range and feelings. Feelings are indicators of “need”, so… if you

don’t know what you feel you won’t know what you need. Feelings are often converted into one feeling. While this can go either way as it relates to gender, often for men this is anger and for women this is depression.

4. Wrong priorities such as an over focus on children or work / career to the detriment of the marriage.

5. Day to day as well as stages of life “stressors” that push weaknesses to the forefront. 6. Constant or chronic conflict without healthy resolution, which produces resentment and blame. 7. We live in a fallen world that is not ideal. The biblical concept of “sin” includes the concept of

“missing the mark”. All of us miss the mark and fall short of God’s ideal.

GROWTH INVOLVES DISCOMFORT! … WHY?

“If there is a way to “better”, it extracts a full look at the worst.” Irving Yalom “In order to arrive at what you are not, you must go through the way in which you are not.” T. S. Elliott, Four Quartets 1. Change launches us into unfamiliar territory and growth takes us out of our comfort zones.

This is often out of a childhood role or a “childlike” way of thinking which is how we coped in childhood.

2. It is uncomfortable to confront our own weaknesses within ourselves as well as accept them in our spouses. We would rather defend ourselves and not admit that we have faults or go the opposite extreme and hate ourselves for having weaknesses. Like Adam and Eve in the Garden, we naturally want to blame others for our pain. Growth must involve a new found capacity to integrate good and bad within ourselves and others; that is, to learn to accept both the strengths and weaknesses within ourselves and others.

3. Present day hurts within marriage often involve triggers. Our spouse makes us feel unpleasant feelings similar to what we felt with our parents. These old feelings fuel our current feelings and we overreact often without seeing the connection to our past pain. We focus on the present and get angry or withdraw from our spouse for making us feel bad.

4. Sadly, we usually don’t see the need for growth or seek help until we are in pain.

WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO TO GROW?

1. We must first recognize our own need to grow up developmentally, emotionally toward a secure attachment style versus focusing on the other person ( I Corinthians 13:11, Psalm 139:23-24 and Ephesians 4:15). Often we are stuck in denial and blame our spouses or children. We can also develop religious defenses that keep us from facing ourselves and growing. An example of this would be believing that we are the martyr or persecuted one and this is my “cross to bear”.

2. We must learn that “true love” requires a more mature perspective, “And this I (Apostle Paul) pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and discernment (Philippians 1:9).” The Greek “agape” love here described, involves God like actions for the


Milan &

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Kay Yerkovich 10

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wellbeing of others as opposed to a warm feeling of love (Greek “Phile”). Love then must grow and mature as “knowledge” and “discernment” increase. We love with more wisdom.

3. We must make a decision to be courageous and make a commitment to the process of growth, which requires hard work and is often painful! We can choose to engage or run. God does not often answer our prayer to “stop the pain”, because he would have to stop the maturing process.

4. We need to learn to become vulnerable (showing hurt and pain) letting down our defenses. 5. We are required to become humble and learn to confess our weaknesses and tell our significant

relationships of our contribution to the problem. When is the last time you confessed a sin to your spouse or children?

6. We need to learn to forgive from the heart, a process of releasing ourselves as well as others from the prison cell of debt.

7. We must grow in our ability to tolerate as well as cultivate new emotions in ourselves and in others.

8. We need to adopt a redemptive faith in Jesus Christ, which enables us to have the capacity and the power to change by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.

BIOGRAPHIES KAY YERKOVICH, M.S., M.F.T.

Kay is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She has a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Counseling and has been counseling with people for over 15 years. She was a stay at home mom for over 15 years and now enjoys working with couples, families, young children and women. She is a popular speaker and lecturer in the areas of parenting and marriage relationships. As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, she sees individuals and couples as well as supervising and training other therapists. Kay and Milan are approved by the California Board of Behavioral Science Examiners and the American Psychological Association to provide continuing education for therapists and psychologists.

She and her husband Milan co-authored their new book entitled How We Love, a book on attachment and bonding (www.howwelove.com). They have been married 34 years and have four children, three of which are married, one still in college and three grand children. She is creative and artistic and enjoys ceramics and floral arranging

REV. MILAN YERKOVICH, M.A. Milan is a Pastoral Counselor and is an ordained minister. He has a Master’s Degree in Biblical

Studies and a California Teaching Credential in physical education, health and biology. He has worked with marriages and families for over 30 years. He was a high school teacher and coach, a pastor of a local church for 13 years and was in sales and marketing with a large medical device company. He works primarily with couples in marriage therapy and enjoys working with teens. He is a Bible teacher and lecturer in the areas of theology, marriage, family and parenting.

As a Pastoral Counselor, he worked for the Center for Individual and Family Therapy as a marriage counselor for three years and now is the full time director of Relationship 180, a non- profit organization which is devoted to turning relationships in the right direction (www.relationship180.com). He is a weekly radio co-host at New Life Ministries with Steve Arterburn, a nationwide counseling talk show (www.newlife.com). He and his wife Kay are co-authors of their new book entitled How We Love, and How We Love Workbook which are based on attachment and bonding. He loves to bike, run and swim and is a martial arts instructor.

http://www.howwelove.com/

http://www.relationship180.com/

http://www.relationship180.com/

http://www.newlife.com/



Pleaser Other focused since childhood, so unaware of own feelings and needs. Poor receiver. Often unaware of their own anxiety that drives their “fixing” behavior. Indirect: attempts to read the thoughts, feelings and non-verbal communication of others to determine if they are happy or unhappy. Indirect questions to “take emotional temperature”. Gives and appeases to avoid dealing with negative emotions. “Nice” to appease negative emotions in others and distract from negative emotions in self.

Vacillator Other focused since childhood. Only aware of how others hurt or anger them. Little awareness or ability to reflect on how their behavior contributes to relational dynamics. Little ability to put themselves in another’s shoes or put aside their own feelings to listen to and understand the perspective of another. Preoccupied with how others hurt or anger them. Angry, but unaware of underlying emotions in self. Little awareness of impact of their anger on others. Sees own emotions as valid and others negative emotions as invalid.

Avoider No practice as a child. Never asked to talk about feelings. No opportunity for self reflection so feelings are minimized, restricted, devalued. Does not occur to avoider to ask about internal feelings and thoughts of others. Assumes they are “fine” or will solve problems on their own. Unaware of, minimizes or avoids negative emotions of self and others. Self reliant and expects others to be the same.

Self-Awareness Ability to internally reflect, understand and evaluate inner responses and outward behaviors. Can communicate this awareness to others. Other Awareness Ability to reflect on, ask about and describe internal feelings thoughts and reactions of others. Able to put yourself in another’s shoes and see from their perspective. Comfort in Dealing with Negative Emotions The ability to recognize and respond to negative emotions.

Victim Too much pain to self reflect. Depression or dissociation keep feelings from surfacing. Nothing helps: see little value in telling others what they think and feel. No skills. Has experienced the feelings, opinions and thoughts of others as critical and negative. Little motivation to listen to more of the same. Others negative emotions signal danger or are a reminder of their own unresolved pain. Attempts to stop the expression or withdraws. Never learned how to deal constructively with negative emotions.

Controller Faced humiliation as a child. Anger covers awareness of all vulnerable emotions. Self reflection would mean facing pain, so it is avoided. Never listened to as a kid. All about having control so insecurities do not arise. Little to no ability to explore or understanding the feelings of others. Responds to negative emotions in self with a heightened need to control. Negative emotions in others cause anger, as the controller attempts to discount and stop others from expressing negative emotions.

Awareness & Reflection Skills



Overview of Love Styles

HowWeLoveWorkshopSyllabus.273220815

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