How to Write the Worst Paper Ever

8/12/2019 How to Write the Worst Paper Ever

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How to write the W STpaper ever

. . .

(Its worse with a dumb font.)

by Mark J. Boone,

edited by UWC staff

( DBU University Writing Center)


2/17

What this presentation is

all about . . .

DBU students deserve to know how to write

as badly as possible. With this in mind, the

DBU Writing Center arranged for thisconvenient summary of useful tips for

writing horrible, terrible, nightmarishly

monstrous, hideous, disastrous, and possibly

even overly embellished papers.

The following tips will help you write the

worst possible paper . . .


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Firstly, be sure to format

incorrectly . . .

One-inch margins are pretty standard, so dont use those.

Use unacceptable fonts, like blades and wingdings.

Dont use Times New Roman, because this is always a goodfont. Fonts like Courier Newand Arialdont go veryfar

towards bad writing, but you might still be able to lose points

with a few professors by using these fonts.

Consider using bad spacing; single-space because this is

almost never a good thing. Make your paper longer with

triple-spacing, because professors are certain to notice thisand get really angry! Or, besneakyand use 2.2 spacing and

find out how observant they really are!

Oh, and Strong Bads advice will also ruin your paper.
http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail64.htmlhttp://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail64.html


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Make poor use of your

computer . . .

Dont use spell-check!

If you do use spell-check, assume it knows when

you spelled the wrong word correctly!Pretend that a computer can actually be taught

grammar, and let the grammar-check make all

your corrections! This is a sure-fire way to have

at least a few instances of bad grammar becausethe computers grammar-check is often wrong.

Putting too much trust in the computer is a sure-

fire way to write a really bad paper!


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Be careless with your

grammar . . .

Commas! Use comma splicing; connect as many complete sentences

as possiblewith a puny little comma instead of the

stronger semicolon. Use unnecessary commasevery now and then, or

whenever you feel like it! Unnecessary commas are

especially painful when professors see them hanging

around between a subject and its verb!

Leave out necessary commas! Say January 4, 2001 wasa good day instead of January 4, 2001, was a good

day. Also leave out the second comma in Dallas, TX, is

a nice place, and Martin Luther King, Jr., was a good

man. This is veryuseful for aggravating certain Writing

Center employees.


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Be morecareless with your

grammar . . .

Incomplete sentencesare wonderful when youre trying

to write badly! To use incomplete sentences, be sure not to

proofread your paper while looking out for incomplete

thoughts; dont check to make sure you have a subject anda verb in every sentence.

Make your sentences as longas possiblebecause overly long sentences

can be really annoying to professors and to Writing Center staff, and can

be at least as bad as having only short sentences because they represent

poor writing style and they also represent an inability to divide yourthoughts into different sentences and they also show that you cant put

your thoughts into concise statements but can only talk on and on and on

about something that could have been said very quickly and still have

meant the same stupid thing. Run-onsentencesare usually fused

sentencesthey go straight into a new sentence without so much as a lowly

semicolon these can really mess up your writing.


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Be stillmore careless with

your grammar . . .

Dont let your English professors or the Writing Center help you learn

the difference between objective and subjective pronouns! For

instance, dont learn that whois a subjective pronoun to be used as a

subject or a predicate nominative (Who would have known that?) and

that whomis an objective pronoun (From whom came such anannoying rule, and whom will I tick off if I break it?).

Prepositions are better left dangled. Keep them at the end of the

sentence. See how dumb it sounds if I say to keep prepositions the

end at the sentence of? See how sophisticated I sound when I say,

To whom have I the honor of speaking?? You really dont want tosound sophisticated in your writing, do you? No, of course you want

to sound unsophisticated; not only will this keep your grades low, but

it will also help you not get a good, high-paying job!


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Be absurdlycareless with

your grammar . . .

Using those things with unclear antecedentscan

really cause a lot of confusion. Are you confused?

I hope so. (I was talking about pronouns).

Its also fun to have your pronouns disagree in

number with their antecedents. Each professor

pulls their hair when a student forgets their

agreement rules.Subjects and verbs needs to disagree if you wants

a bad paper. Subject-verb disagreement is really a

wonderful way to write carelessly.


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Spelling . . .

Like we said, dont use spell-check and if

you do, expect it to know when you spelled

the wrong word correctly!Mistakes are easy to make if you dont learn

how to spell homonyms! You could try

picking just one spelling of words likethere, theyre, and their, and then

being consistent.


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Vocabulary . . .

Dont use a thesaurus! This is too valuable a

resource to have near you when youre writing bad

papers!

Use the adverb very very, very, very often

because it will pad your paper a little bit.

Ambiguous words are always good. Dont be

precise in your language; you want your reader toread till the end of your paper and not know what

you were saying.


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Proofreading . . .

Dont proofread silently to catch your mistakes!

Dont read your paper out loud in front of a mirror! If you

do, you might realize you dont like something about the

way you wrote it! When you write something down and then read it

sometimes you see what you meant to write and cant see

what you actually wrote. Dont let your friends proofread

to make up for this problem!Most importantly, dont start on your paper early enough to

have any time left for proofreading!


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Procrastination . . .

This is the single most important thing you can do to make your

paper pathetic. Skilled procrastinators have been known to

write things as pathetic as this presentation is!

Good papers need to be started early, so that you have plenty oftime to make corrections and thoroughly mull over your

thoughts, as well as enough time to go over your paper with

peers and make corrections on the problems they find.

So be sure to never start earlier than you think you might need

to, and especially dont start on time!

Wait until an hour before the paper is due before you take it to

the Writing Center for help; dont go in time to get advice from

the Writing Center and still make corrections!


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Develop key long-term

habits . . .

The single most important thing you can do to be a

bad writer is to readgood books and quality

magazines as little as possible.

Also, be sure to mistake the Writing Center for an

editing and proof-reading service, useful for

bringing up your grade on a few papers! You can

especially multiply and perpetuate keygrammatical errors if you dont use your local

Writing Center for as a valuable source for

teaching you useful grammar rules.


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Plagiarize . . .

An easy way to plagiarize is to just write your paper and do some

research and never know that youre supposed to use quotation marks

and to follow the instructions at our websitefor citing things correctly

in MLA or Turabian or APA! This sort of thing could get you a 0% on

a paper.

Let other people do your writing for you! Take their whole paper and

call it your own! This is such a great way to write a bad paper that you

can get expelled from school by doing this!

Steal ideas from others without giving credit, just like how the guy

who wrote up most of this PowerPointshamelesslystole ideas from allhis co-workers without thanking them even once. (Jerk.) Its always

useful for writing bad papers to never learn that anything thats not

your knowledge or common knowledgehas to be cited.
http://www.dbu.edu/uwc/QR_Flyers/qrfmenu.htmhttp://www.dbu.edu/uwc/QR_Flyers/qrfmenu.htm


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Poor thesis . . .

Be sure to have an unclear thesis statement.

Dont think critically about your own ideas.

Confuse the purpose of the introduction and conclusion.Forget that the introduction is really meant to do three

things: catch the readers attention, introduce the topic, and

present the thesis statement. Forget that the conclusions

purpose is to restate the thesis and bring some kind of

closure without adding any new information.

Develop a thesis statement and dont talk about it at all.

This will make your paper disorganized.


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Poor thesis . . .

There are two basic strategies for making the thesis and the

paper say the same thing. One way is to start with a thesis

statement in your introduction and then be careful to talk

about the same thing in the body of your paper. The otherway is to write the body of the paper and then to go back to

your introduction and make sure the thesis statement says

the same thing. Of course you can mix them by writing

the thesis statement, trying to follow it in the body, and

then going back to the introduction and modifying the

thesis.

If youre trying to write a bad paper, dont do either!


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General tips for poor

writing . . .

Try to talk in first person as much as possible because this

is usually considered a bad thing in academic writing.

Try to write the paper so onlyyouknow what youretalking about, and the reader doesnt have a clue! Never

consider the audience and their needs because the paper is

all about you.

Most importantly, avoid asking the professor what to dowhen youre not sure how to go about doing something.

(Oh, and: neverconsult the class syllabus or the Writing

Center.).

How to Write the Worst Paper Ever

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