How I Met Your Mother - 3x05 - How I Met Everyone Else.en

5/26/2018 How I Met Your Mother - 3x05 - How I Met Everyone Else.en

1/35

500:00:00,700 --> 00:00:02,320kids,back to the forwards 2007

600:00:02,330 --> 00:00:04,090i was dating the girl named...

700:00:04,100 --> 00:00:05,100oh, god, what was her name?

800:00:05,100 --> 00:00:08,250you know, it's been 23 years,i can't remember all the staff

900:00:08,260 --> 00:00:09,650for the sake of the story,let's call her...

1000:00:09,660 --> 00:00:11,000everyone, this is blahblah.

1100:00:11,000 --> 00:00:14,330please, call me blah.

1200:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,250so, blah, how did you two meet?

1300:00:16,260 --> 00:00:18,390well, i was taking this cooking class,

14

00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,450french fusion, and everyone already had a partner,

1500:00:21,460 --> 00:00:25,160but then i looked up and across a crowded room,

1600:00:25,430 --> 00:00:26,650i saw ted.it was magical.

1700:00:26,660 --> 00:00:29,150

it was so magical.

1800:00:29,160 --> 00:00:31,720except it wasn't.

1900:00:31,730 --> 00:00:34,520she's gonna tell story about the cooking class,


2/35

2000:00:34,530 --> 00:00:38,030because she's embarrassed we met online.

2100:00:38,530 --> 00:00:40,120what? there's no stigma anymore.

2200:00:40,130 --> 00:00:41,620oh, there's a stigma.

2300:00:41,630 --> 00:00:44,120there's why people always say,"there's no stigma anymore."

2400:00:44,130 --> 00:00:45,420so, she's hot?

2500:00:45,430 --> 00:00:46,520oh, she's gorgeous.

2600:00:46,530 --> 00:00:47,590then she's crazy.

2700:00:47,600 --> 00:00:48,890no, she's not.

2800:00:48,900 --> 00:00:51,490ted, the only hot girls that troll the internet

29

00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:55,650for dudes are crazy,hookers, or dude

3000:00:55,660 --> 00:00:56,390okay, she's not crazy.

3100:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,420she's not a hooker.

3200:00:57,430 --> 00:00:58,350

she's not a dude.

3300:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,890there's this guy i pass on my way to work every day

3400:01:00,900 --> 00:01:03,450who's all three-- scares the crap out of me.


3/35

3500:01:03,460 --> 00:01:04,990there is no way she is above the line

3600:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,420on the hot/crazy scale.

3700:01:06,430 --> 00:01:07,950she's not even on the hot/crazy scale.

3800:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,150she's just hot.

3900:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,990wait. "hot/crazy scale"?

4000:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,250let me illustrate.

4100:01:13,260 --> 00:01:14,920a girl is allowed to be crazy

4200:01:14,930 --> 00:01:18,790as long as she is equally hot.

4300:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,390thus, if she's this crazy,

44

00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,390she has to be this hot.

4500:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,520if she's this crazy,

4600:01:23,530 --> 00:01:26,420she has to be this hot.

4700:01:26,430 --> 00:01:29,150

you want a girl to be above this line,

4800:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,220also known as the vickie mendoza diagonal.

4900:01:32,230 --> 00:01:35,050this girl i dated, she played jump rope with that line.


4/35

5000:01:35,060 --> 00:01:37,390she'd shave her head,then lose ten pounds.

5100:01:37,400 --> 00:01:41,050she'd stab me with a fork,then get a boob job.

5200:01:41,060 --> 00:01:43,000i should give her a call.

5300:01:57,000 --> 00:01:57,690okay, so please,

5400:01:57,700 --> 00:01:58,920just play along with her fake story.

5500:01:58,930 --> 00:02:01,190we met in a cooking class.

5600:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,350i don't know, ted.

5700:02:02,360 --> 00:02:03,750i don't know if i can just play along

5800:02:03,760 --> 00:02:06,420with your crazy girlfriend's fake story.

59

00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,320now, if you had said fake breasts...

6000:02:08,330 --> 00:02:09,990she's not crazy.

6100:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,520okay. we'll see.

6200:02:12,530 --> 00:02:16,050

long story short, thank goodness i'm such a bad cook

6300:02:16,060 --> 00:02:19,490or i never would have met ted.

6400:02:19,500 --> 00:02:20,990oh, crazy.how cute that is.


5/35

6500:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,750it's crazy.

6600:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,250you know who else has a really cute story of how they met?

6700:02:25,260 --> 00:02:26,590marshal and lily.

6800:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,550you guys should tell that story, right now.

6900:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,050all right.but spoiler alert.

7000:02:30,060 --> 00:02:31,520it ends with everyone saying, "aw!"

7100:02:31,530 --> 00:02:32,520aw.

7200:02:32,530 --> 00:02:34,250starts with it, too.

7300:02:34,260 --> 00:02:37,250when you've been a couple as long as marshal and lily,

74

00:02:37,260 --> 00:02:40,490telling the how-we-met story becomes a choreographed dance.

7500:02:40,500 --> 00:02:42,890it was late august, 1996.

7600:02:42,900 --> 00:02:44,890lily and i were both freshman moving into...

7700:02:44,900 --> 00:02:47,020

hewitt hall.

7800:02:47,030 --> 00:02:49,090and she needed some help setting up her stereo.

7900:02:49,100 --> 00:02:52,250for some unknown reason,


6/35

8000:02:52,260 --> 00:02:54,490i felt drawn to room 110.

8100:02:54,500 --> 00:02:56,020as if she knew

8200:02:56,030 --> 00:02:59,120that someone very special was behind that door.

8300:02:59,130 --> 00:03:04,220and as fate would have it that someone was marshall.

8400:03:04,230 --> 00:03:08,830it was love at first sight.

8500:03:09,430 --> 00:03:10,650aw...

8600:03:10,660 --> 00:03:12,950i know, right?

8700:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,720now, they perfected that story over hundreds of tellings.

8800:03:15,730 --> 00:03:17,690the first time marshall told it to me,

89

00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:19,120it was a little different.

9000:03:19,130 --> 00:03:21,490dude, this black-haired goth chick stopped by today.

9100:03:21,500 --> 00:03:24,890want to tap it.

9200:03:24,900 --> 00:03:27,620

you guys are so lucky.

9300:03:27,630 --> 00:03:29,350you know, when ted and i were cooking

9400:03:29,360 --> 00:03:30,820and our hands touched for the first time,


7/35

9500:03:30,830 --> 00:03:32,920i knew right then that after class

9600:03:32,930 --> 00:03:35,320he would take me up on the roof,kiss me and give me a rose.

9700:03:35,330 --> 00:03:38,350which he did!

9800:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,290say, "aw."

9900:03:39,300 --> 00:03:42,050aw.

10000:03:42,060 --> 00:03:43,450i know, right?

10100:03:43,460 --> 00:03:47,060i'll get the next round,okay, guys?

10200:03:50,060 --> 00:03:54,220anybody would be stressed out meeting new people.

10300:03:54,230 --> 00:03:55,650she's not crazy.

104

00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:59,090crazy-generous maybe,buying us drinks.

10500:03:59,100 --> 00:04:01,730shut up.

10600:04:03,050 --> 00:04:05,360so how marshall and lily met

10700:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,890

robin, how did you and barney meet?

10800:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,190no...

10900:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,220no, no, no, no.


8/35

11000:04:12,230 --> 00:04:15,820no, no, no, no.no, no, no.

11100:04:15,830 --> 00:04:20,190no. no. barney and i are not together. no. no.

11200:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,690really? 16 no's?really?

11300:04:23,700 --> 00:04:24,720so you're...

11400:04:24,730 --> 00:04:25,790single?

11500:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,960yeah.

11600:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,920oh. so, pretty and single and friends with ted.

11700:04:30,930 --> 00:04:33,890great.

11800:04:33,900 --> 00:04:36,120you know who else is friends with ted?

119

00:04:36,130 --> 00:04:37,120marshall.

12000:04:37,130 --> 00:04:38,350how did we meet?

12100:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,750it was a good story.

12200:04:39,760 --> 00:04:40,920

i'm going to tell it,right now.

12300:04:40,930 --> 00:04:42,720uh, it was the first day of college.

12400:04:42,730 --> 00:04:44,520kids, to understand this story,you need to know


9/35

12500:04:44,530 --> 00:04:46,590that your uncle marshall was doing something

12600:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,050that lots of college kids do.

12700:04:48,060 --> 00:04:49,450how do i say this?

12800:04:49,460 --> 00:04:55,230he was, uh...let's say, eating a sandwich.

12900:04:57,530 --> 00:04:59,250dude, i heard the dean is coming.

13000:04:59,260 --> 00:05:02,760put out your sandwich.

13100:05:09,660 --> 00:05:12,790good afternoon, sir.

13200:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,250i'm marshall erickson.

13300:05:14,260 --> 00:05:17,150"sir"? no, please,just call me ted.

134

00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:21,190okay, dean ted.

13500:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,350someone's been eating a sandwich.

13600:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,950what? no. really?

13700:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,450

i don't know 'cause i don't even know what sandwiches smell like.

13800:05:29,460 --> 00:05:33,950my parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school.

13900:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,090so you're bottom bunk that's cool.


10/35

14000:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,490i wanted the top bunk anyway.

14100:05:38,500 --> 00:05:39,750what do you mean?

14200:05:39,760 --> 00:05:43,230i'm you're new roommate.

14300:05:43,260 --> 00:05:46,790so unfair.

14400:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,220i didn't realize ted wasn't the dean

14500:05:48,230 --> 00:05:50,960until later that night.

14600:05:55,000 --> 00:05:59,150you're not the dean.

14700:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,150college-- good times.

14800:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,590oh, i get it. ted told you.i didn't go to college,

149

00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,120so now you're giving me a cute, little backhanded slap.

15000:06:06,130 --> 00:06:08,950oh, here we go.

15100:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,620well, while you were busy majoring

15200:06:10,630 --> 00:06:11,950

in being freakin' beautiful,

15300:06:11,960 --> 00:06:12,950i was starting

15400:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,490my own line of handbags.


11/35

15500:06:14,500 --> 00:06:15,920your own line of handbags?

15600:06:15,930 --> 00:06:17,620that's crazy.

15700:06:17,630 --> 00:06:19,220these have sold in japan.

15800:06:19,230 --> 00:06:21,050robin, have you ever sold anything in japan?

15900:06:21,060 --> 00:06:24,790uh, no. but i would love to buy one of them, if...

16000:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,520where can i get one?

16100:06:26,530 --> 00:06:28,190i don't have a distributor here yet,

16200:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,620but thanks for rubbing that in.

16300:06:29,630 --> 00:06:31,890why are you trying to undermine me in front of ted?

164

00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:34,590look, there's nothing going on between me and ted.

16500:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,320wow, that just.came out of nowhere.

16600:06:37,330 --> 00:06:40,150no, i'm just saying that you have nothing to worry about.

16700:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,150

i wasn't worried.are you saying i should be?

16800:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,220no, i'm saying that you shouldn't be.

16900:06:44,230 --> 00:06:45,290oh, good, 'cause i'm not.


12/35

17000:06:45,300 --> 00:06:46,850now, robin,can you just let it go?

17100:06:46,860 --> 00:06:50,550you're making all of us really uncomfortable.

17200:06:50,560 --> 00:06:51,590you know what else is a good story?

17300:06:51,600 --> 00:06:52,990how barney and i met.

17400:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,350barney, tell that story,right now, please.

17500:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,190okay, ted.this is a crazy story.

17600:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,590you're going to love it.

17700:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,790tonight's the first time

17800:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,190i'm taking my deaf brother out

179

00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,720since our mom died.

18000:07:03,730 --> 00:07:06,390oh, i'm sorry about that.

18100:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,890no, that's okay.

18200:07:07,900 --> 00:07:09,990

i have to take care of him now.

18300:07:10,000 --> 00:07:13,790of course, i have had to put my dreams on hold

18400:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,420in order to do it,but...


13/35

18500:07:16,430 --> 00:07:18,950i'm happy to.

18600:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,890he's my brother and i love him.

18700:07:20,900 --> 00:07:23,950i'm sorry,it's all still so fresh.

18800:07:23,960 --> 00:07:29,200well, man, i'm, uh...i'm really sorry.

18900:07:29,300 --> 00:07:30,790wow, you bought that?

19000:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,050what?

19100:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,720i just made that up in mid-pee.

19200:07:33,730 --> 00:07:35,120if it worked on you,it's definitely going to work

19300:07:35,130 --> 00:07:37,750on the blonde chick at the end of the bar.

194

00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,020unless you're a total idiot.

19500:07:39,030 --> 00:07:40,090what's your name?

19600:07:40,100 --> 00:07:41,390ted.

19700:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,120

are you a total idiot, ted?

19800:07:43,130 --> 00:07:46,150well, i'm still having this conversation, so...

19900:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,200well played.


14/35

20000:07:50,260 --> 00:07:51,890i like you, ted.

20100:07:51,900 --> 00:07:55,950ted, i'm going to teach you how to live.

20200:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,550barney.we met at the urinal.

20300:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,450oh, right. hi.

20400:07:59,460 --> 00:08:02,490lesson one: lose the goatee;it doesn't go with your suit.

20500:08:02,500 --> 00:08:03,650i'm not wearing a suit.

20600:08:03,660 --> 00:08:04,920lesson two: get a suit.

20700:08:04,930 --> 00:08:07,350suits are cool--exhibit a.

20800:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,850lesson three: don't even think about getting married

209

00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:11,190until you're 30.

21000:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,850and lesson four:

21100:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,590be totally silent for the next five minutes.

21200:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,690

hey, audrey.

21300:08:15,700 --> 00:08:18,550uh, this is my deaf brother, edward.

21400:08:18,560 --> 00:08:19,990edward!


15/35

21500:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,190this is audrey!

21600:08:24,200 --> 00:08:28,160you know, i actually know some sign language.

21700:08:28,600 --> 00:08:32,420

21800:08:32,420 --> 00:08:33,590

21900:08:34,130 --> 00:08:35,520he doesn't sign.

22000:08:35,530 --> 00:08:37,720he's embarrassed by his hands.

22100:08:37,730 --> 00:08:40,760they're tiny...and lady-like.

22200:08:40,760 --> 00:08:42,240

22300:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,490

224

00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:47,390what? you...are over your hand issues.

22500:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,950it's about time.

22600:08:50,260 --> 00:08:53,650

22700:08:53,650 --> 00:08:56,520

22800:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,430here. call me.

22900:09:07,030 --> 00:09:09,690and even though that girl ended up giving me a fake number,


16/35

23000:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,990i knew that ted and i would be each others wingmen forever.

23100:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,050barney, it's time you knew.

23200:09:15,060 --> 00:09:17,670um, that story actually goes a little bit differently.

23300:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,300

23400:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,890

23500:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,750great. funny.

23600:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,790god, with a wingman like ted,i might need to resort

23700:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,720to meeting someone in a super,desperate and lame way,

23800:09:33,730 --> 00:09:36,500like online.

239

00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,790online.

24000:09:40,800 --> 00:09:41,790online.

24100:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,420oh, my god!you told them?!

24200:09:43,430 --> 00:09:44,890

okay, yes, i told them.

24300:09:44,900 --> 00:09:46,520but it's not a big deal.

24400:09:46,530 --> 00:09:48,350lots of people meet on the internet.


17/35

24500:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,620that whole scene, a stranger across a crowded room thing--

24600:09:50,630 --> 00:09:52,390that only happens in the movies.

24700:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,690yeah, that never happens.oh, wait, except you and robin.

24800:09:54,700 --> 00:09:57,000that's how you guys met, right?

24900:09:57,500 --> 00:09:59,500

25000:10:02,460 --> 00:10:05,650wait, you guys dated?

25100:10:05,660 --> 00:10:06,650for how long?

25200:10:06,660 --> 00:10:08,550a year.

25300:10:08,560 --> 00:10:09,620but don't worry.

254

00:10:09,630 --> 00:10:11,320the relationship wasn't that good.

25500:10:11,330 --> 00:10:13,890by the end, it was mostly about sex.

25600:10:13,900 --> 00:10:15,950which was not that good.

25700:10:15,960 --> 00:10:16,990

but i was the problem.

25800:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,220i'd just lie there.

25900:10:19,230 --> 00:10:20,490ted is, uh,very good.


18/35

26000:10:20,500 --> 00:10:25,600i'm sure he will get you where you need to go.

26100:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,290can i buy your bags online?

26200:10:28,300 --> 00:10:31,420oh, oh, i see what's going on here, ted.

26300:10:31,430 --> 00:10:33,320i'm just some random girl to make robin jealous,

26400:10:33,330 --> 00:10:34,450and after she takes you back,

26500:10:34,460 --> 00:10:35,920you probably won't even remember my name.

26600:10:35,930 --> 00:10:39,290come on, blahblah,it's not like that.

26700:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,690well, we're closing in the half.

26800:10:40,700 --> 00:10:45,120let's see how blahblah is doing on the crazy/hot scale.

269

00:10:45,130 --> 00:10:48,390she started the night here,but as the night's progressed,

27000:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,890she's gotten crazier but no hotter,

27100:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,350which has caused her to drift across the mendoza diagonal

27200:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,890

and dangerously close to the shelly gilespie zone.

27300:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,490another girl i dated--

27400:10:59,500 --> 00:11:02,590she gained 20 pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.


19/35

27500:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,790i'm sorry i didn't tell you, but seriously,

27600:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,420there's nothing going on with me and robin.

27700:11:06,430 --> 00:11:08,890then why has she been trying to undermine me all night?

27800:11:08,900 --> 00:11:09,920i mean, look at her.

27900:11:09,930 --> 00:11:12,960she's laughing at me right now.

28000:11:15,530 --> 00:11:17,390i'm sorry,it's just, you know,

28100:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,920lily and marshall's story is so romantic.

28200:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,320i just wish we had something like that.

28300:11:22,330 --> 00:11:24,450well, their story's not as magical as it seems.

284

00:11:24,460 --> 00:11:26,020what do you mean?

28500:11:26,030 --> 00:11:28,990no, i, i can't, it's,it's kind of a secret.

28600:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,950well, how about i tell you a little secret

28700:11:31,960 --> 00:11:36,760

about what you might get to do later tonight?

28800:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,320the night before lily met marshall...

28900:11:42,330 --> 00:11:43,000...there was this party.


20/35

29000:11:43,500 --> 00:11:45,000

29100:11:50,230 --> 00:11:51,290you a freshwoman?

29200:11:51,300 --> 00:11:52,750i never use the word "freshman."

29300:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,120sexist.

29400:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,090yeah, i'm a first year.

29500:11:56,100 --> 00:11:57,750i'm in hewitt 220.

29600:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,620no way. hewitt 110.

29700:11:59,630 --> 00:12:00,820you should totally come by.

29800:12:00,830 --> 00:12:03,520maybe i will, hewitt 110.

299

00:12:03,530 --> 00:12:05,150chug! chug! chug!

30000:12:05,160 --> 00:12:06,720chug! chug! chug!

30100:12:06,730 --> 00:12:09,430chug!chug! chug!

30200:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,320

look at these drunk idiots.

30300:12:15,330 --> 00:12:17,990hey, don't drink their two dollar beer.

30400:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,220this is a pinot noir.


21/35

30500:12:19,230 --> 00:12:22,260from europe.

30600:12:24,730 --> 00:12:26,750oh, it's fruity.

30700:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,450yeah, i cut it with some cranberry juice.

30800:12:28,460 --> 00:12:31,160it was pretty strong.

30900:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,450do you have a girlfriend?

31000:12:34,460 --> 00:12:35,950yeah.

31100:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,250not sure about the whole "long distance" thing, though.

31200:12:38,260 --> 00:12:39,320it's like descartes says.

31300:12:39,330 --> 00:12:40,950"in order to determine

314

00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,590"whether there is anything we can know with certainty,

31500:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,890we first have to doubt everything we know."

31600:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,460you know?

31700:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,590

but as drunk as she was, when she woke up the next morning,

31800:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,820she still remembered room 110.

31900:12:58,830 --> 00:13:00,650that's why she knocked on the door.


22/35

32000:13:00,660 --> 00:13:02,020she was looking for me.

32100:13:02,030 --> 00:13:03,150oh, my god.

32200:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,750yeah, and in all these years,

32300:13:04,760 --> 00:13:06,620lily and i have never even spoken about it,

32400:13:06,630 --> 00:13:08,250so again, mum's thword, okay?

32500:13:08,260 --> 00:13:09,990you have to tell marshall.

32600:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,650no, if, if he heard that, it would destroy him.

32700:13:13,660 --> 00:13:16,150if you don't tell him...

32800:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,250...i will.

329

00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:21,700oh, come on, you wouldn't.

33000:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,120so, lily,how did you and ted meet?

33100:13:29,130 --> 00:13:31,620come on, lily, the real story.

33200:13:31,630 --> 00:13:33,550

i don't think anyone wants to hear that story.

33300:13:33,560 --> 00:13:37,520aw, don't be embarrassed, ted,it was a long time ago.

33400:13:37,530 --> 00:13:39,950and i made a huge mistake last night,


23/35

33500:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,820but it's like descartes says.

33600:13:41,830 --> 00:13:43,150"in order to determine whether there is anything

33700:13:43,160 --> 00:13:44,520"we can know with certainty,

33800:13:44,530 --> 00:13:47,930we first have to doubt everything we know."

33900:13:48,430 --> 00:13:52,320and i now know for certain that i love you, karen.

34000:13:52,330 --> 00:13:54,720anyway, call me back when you get this.

34100:13:54,730 --> 00:13:56,350i'm also going down to the computer center

34200:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,800to send you an electronic mail.

34300:14:00,860 --> 00:14:02,950ted.

344

00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,390this is lily.

34500:14:04,400 --> 00:14:08,220no, no, i'm sorry,but i love karen.

34600:14:08,230 --> 00:14:11,250yes, that is the unabridged story of how lily and i met.

34700:14:11,260 --> 00:14:12,720

how embarrassing.

34800:14:12,730 --> 00:14:14,150-who wants another round? -that's not the story.

34900:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,250ted, tell 'em.


24/35

35000:14:15,260 --> 00:14:16,550tell us what?um, lily,

35100:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,020will you help us get the next round?

35200:14:18,030 --> 00:14:19,950ted, what's going on?

35300:14:19,960 --> 00:14:24,150she knows about us,about how we really met.

35400:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,950yeah, i know,i just told her.

35500:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,890no, the real story.

35600:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,990ted, what are you talking about?

35700:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,720lily... come on.

35800:14:32,730 --> 00:14:34,150come on, what?

359

00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,390lily... come on.

36000:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,550ted, i honestly don't know what you're talking about.

36100:14:40,560 --> 00:14:44,250lily... come on.

36200:14:44,260 --> 00:14:46,190

i know that you and ted made out

36300:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,120the night before you met marshall.

36400:14:48,130 --> 00:14:49,220what?


25/35

36500:14:49,230 --> 00:14:50,450ted and i never made out.

36600:14:50,460 --> 00:14:52,290yeah... we did.

36700:14:52,300 --> 00:14:54,720i only made out with one other guy in college

36800:14:54,730 --> 00:14:58,050before i met marshall, and it was just some random dude.

36900:14:58,060 --> 00:15:00,120i, i don't even remember his name.

37000:15:00,130 --> 00:15:01,820i just call him too much tongue guy.

37100:15:01,830 --> 00:15:03,520what? too much tongue guy?

37200:15:03,530 --> 00:15:05,290well, i'm not surprised to hear that

37300:15:05,300 --> 00:15:07,450coming from unreasonably small mouth opening girl.

374

00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:09,120that wasn't me.

37500:15:09,130 --> 00:15:11,790yes, it was, at the freshman orientation party.

37600:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,990no, no, no, no, no.

37700:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,090

no, no.

37800:15:16,100 --> 00:15:19,920no, no, no, no, no!

37900:15:19,930 --> 00:15:21,520how much fun is this?


26/35

38000:15:21,530 --> 00:15:24,320all of us reminiscing about how we met me?

38100:15:24,330 --> 00:15:26,720robin, have i told you how i met marshall?

38200:15:26,730 --> 00:15:28,290uh, yeah,like five or six times--

38300:15:28,300 --> 00:15:29,890it was right over there.

38400:15:29,900 --> 00:15:31,150here's your problem.

38500:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,120you've only slept with one woman.

38600:15:33,130 --> 00:15:35,450those kind of stats are only okay if you're 11,

38700:15:35,460 --> 00:15:36,450but tonight

38800:15:36,460 --> 00:15:38,650we're getting you a new girl

389

00:15:38,660 --> 00:15:40,320because,marshall eriksen,

39000:15:40,330 --> 00:15:44,550from this moment on, i make all your decisions for you.

39100:15:44,560 --> 00:15:48,690i'm sorry,who, who are you again?

39200:15:48,700 --> 00:15:50,490

this is barney; i met him the other day.

39300:15:50,500 --> 00:15:51,520he's kind of a jackass.

39400:15:51,530 --> 00:15:53,520i'm teaching ted how to live,


27/35

39500:15:53,530 --> 00:15:55,790and-- lucky you-- i have room for one more student.

39600:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,290think of me as yoda

39700:15:57,300 --> 00:15:59,850as yoda, only instead of being little and green,

39800:15:59,860 --> 00:16:01,990i wear suits and i'm awesome.

39900:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,290i'm your bro.

40000:16:03,300 --> 00:16:04,820i'm bro-da.

40100:16:04,830 --> 00:16:06,150and tonight,

40200:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,690you're going to use the force

40300:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,290to get the hottest chick in this bar into bed.

404

00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:11,990he's going to use force?

40500:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,420cause that sounds wrong, bro-da.

40600:16:14,430 --> 00:16:16,020no, the force.

40700:16:16,030 --> 00:16:17,950

it's a star wars reference.

40800:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,920so we should make lots of star wars references around girls.

40900:16:19,930 --> 00:16:21,320that's what you're saying?


28/35

41000:16:21,330 --> 00:16:23,320i'm not going to cheat on my girlfriend.

41100:16:23,330 --> 00:16:26,690yes, you are, with the hottiest that just walked in.

41200:16:26,700 --> 00:16:27,650look at her.

41300:16:27,660 --> 00:16:29,220how much hotter is she

41400:16:29,230 --> 00:16:31,720than your girlfriend?

41500:16:31,730 --> 00:16:34,690there's no comparison.

41600:16:34,700 --> 00:16:35,720what do you think, ted?

41700:16:35,730 --> 00:16:36,720-no. -should i go for it?

41800:16:36,730 --> 00:16:37,920don't do it, man.

419

00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,050i mean, think about lily.

42000:16:40,060 --> 00:16:41,320you know what? i don't care.

42100:16:41,330 --> 00:16:43,350i've been with one woman for too long.

42200:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,430

i need me some strange.

42300:16:46,660 --> 00:16:48,690pep talk.

42400:16:48,700 --> 00:16:50,320you can do this,


29/35

42500:16:50,330 --> 00:16:52,950but to be more accurate, you probably can't.

42600:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,950you're way out of practice and she is way too hot for you,

42700:16:55,960 --> 00:16:59,350so remember, tonight isn't about scoring.

42800:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,250it's about believing that you can do it

42900:17:02,260 --> 00:17:05,220even though you probably can't.

43000:17:05,230 --> 00:17:08,000go get 'em, tiger.

43100:17:15,500 --> 00:17:19,000poor guy's going to crash and burn.

43200:17:21,130 --> 00:17:24,590that man is a god.

43300:17:24,600 --> 00:17:25,650for like a week after,

434

00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:27,750barney followed me around

43500:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,490asking me to teach him how to live.

43600:17:29,500 --> 00:17:31,350i even got him to do my laundry once.

43700:17:31,360 --> 00:17:34,390

i thought it was a mr.miyagi kind of thing.

43800:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,520marshall, i need to talk to you.

43900:17:36,530 --> 00:17:38,120can we go somewhere in private?


30/35

44000:17:38,130 --> 00:17:39,790yeah, of course. what's wrong?

44100:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,250lily and ted made out.

44200:17:41,260 --> 00:17:44,050what do you think of that, robin?

44300:17:44,060 --> 00:17:45,350what are you talking about?

44400:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,020you know that guy i made out with

44500:17:47,030 --> 00:17:48,990at the freshman orientation party?

44600:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,920too much tongue guy, yeah.

44700:17:50,930 --> 00:17:52,320and you know that girl i made out with

44800:17:52,330 --> 00:17:53,890at the freshman orientation party?

449

00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:57,020unreasonably small mouth opening girl, yeah.

45000:17:57,030 --> 00:17:58,490i'm too much tongue guy.

45100:17:58,500 --> 00:18:01,120and i'm unreasonably small mouth opening girl.

45200:18:01,130 --> 00:18:03,320

worst superheroes ever.

45300:18:03,330 --> 00:18:05,750oh, baby, i am so sorry.

45400:18:05,760 --> 00:18:07,390i dot think you need to be.


31/35

45500:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,590i was at that party.

45600:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,250it was dark and, granted,

45700:18:10,260 --> 00:18:13,790i had eaten quite a few sandwiches, but i'm 100% sure

45800:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,720that unreasonably small mouth opening girl

45900:18:15,730 --> 00:18:17,620was alexa leskeys, not lily.

46000:18:17,630 --> 00:18:18,650really?

46100:18:18,660 --> 00:18:20,020yeah, i'm positive,

46200:18:20,030 --> 00:18:22,920and too much tongue guy was colin o'reilly.

46300:18:22,930 --> 00:18:23,950are you sure?

464

00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,290if it wasn't,

46500:18:25,300 --> 00:18:29,030i peed in the wrong guy's shampoo, man.

46600:18:30,060 --> 00:18:32,220you don't really believe that, do you?

46700:18:32,230 --> 00:18:36,550

you swore it was lily.

46800:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,250i guess i made a mistake.

46900:18:39,260 --> 00:18:41,650must have been alexa.


32/35

47000:18:41,660 --> 00:18:44,350another girl, ted?

47100:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,890who haven't you made out with?

47200:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,690you know what? i don't need this.

47300:18:47,700 --> 00:18:49,790i design handbags, i'm writing a memoir,

47400:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,120i'm a superstar, this is totally my year.

47500:18:52,130 --> 00:18:54,450someday the name blahblah will be up in lights.

47600:18:54,460 --> 00:18:56,550and, ted, next time you're online

47700:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,920playing world of warcraft,

47800:18:57,930 --> 00:19:01,460don't even think about chatting with me.

479

00:19:03,330 --> 00:19:06,220world of warcraft?

48000:19:06,230 --> 00:19:07,350the online

48100:19:07,360 --> 00:19:08,850role-playing game?

48200:19:08,860 --> 00:19:10,350

that's how you two

48300:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,490"met online"?

48400:19:13,290 --> 00:19:16,660


33/35

48500:19:17,100 --> 00:19:19,530

48600:19:19,930 --> 00:19:21,500

48700:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,970

48800:19:24,230 --> 00:19:26,190yeah, it's a really--it's a cool game.

48900:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,820so suffice it to say,

49000:19:27,830 --> 00:19:30,490blahblah did not turn out to be your mother,

49100:19:30,500 --> 00:19:32,690and as for the girl i made out with at the party,

49200:19:32,700 --> 00:19:35,350there wasn't a doubt in my mind that was your aunt lily.

49300:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,190but, you know, that magical story

494

00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,020of how she and uncle marshall met,

49500:19:39,030 --> 00:19:42,690it was worth preserving, so i kept my mouth shut.

49600:19:42,700 --> 00:19:45,050i guess i made a mistake.

49700:19:45,060 --> 00:19:46,550

must have been alexa.

49800:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,450until our 20th college reunion

49900:19:49,460 --> 00:19:52,850when i ran into alexa leskeys.


34/35

50000:19:52,860 --> 00:19:57,420so, ted, remember the last time we were here?

50100:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,420you and me?

50200:19:58,430 --> 00:19:59,420no idea.

50300:19:59,430 --> 00:20:03,220ted... come on.

50400:20:03,230 --> 00:20:07,460freshman year, we were both pretty drunk?

50500:20:13,430 --> 00:20:16,090that was you?

50600:20:16,100 --> 00:20:18,150lily, we never made out.

50700:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,250i know.

50800:20:19,260 --> 00:20:22,550so i am not too much tongue guy.

509

00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,030actually...

51000:20:29,830 --> 00:20:33,920look what i've confiscated from some kids.

51100:20:33,930 --> 00:20:36,420that is a fat sandwich.

51200:20:36,430 --> 00:20:40,230

i know, right?

51300:20:44,260 --> 00:20:49,730chew, chew, chew,chew, swallow.

51400:20:51,100 --> 00:20:53,890oh, that's all right,honey.


35/35

51500:20:53,900 --> 00:20:56,520sandwiches are strong these days.

51600:20:56,530 --> 00:20:58,090i can't believe i used to be able to eat

51700:20:58,100 --> 00:21:00,020a whole sandwich by myself.

51800:21:00,030 --> 00:21:03,320now it's like two bites and i am done.

51900:21:03,330 --> 00:21:05,420baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?

52000:21:05,430 --> 00:21:08,660dude, we're 42.

52100:21:09,560 --> 00:21:13,030w-w-where's my wife?

52200:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000

52300:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000

000:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00www.tvsubtitles.net

How I Met Your Mother - 3x05 - How I Met Everyone Else.en

Documents

Transcript of How I Met Your Mother - 3x05 - How I Met Everyone Else.en