The 50-50 RuleSM

Helping Siblings Overcome Family Conflict While Caring for Aging Parents

SM

Executive SummaryUnited States

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A national study of U.S. family caregivers, sponsored by the Home Instead Senior Care®

network, shows that the dynamics of family relationships can thrust one sibling into the role of primary caregiver for an aging parent. This can create an “anything you can do I can do better” tug and pull between brothers and sisters who should be working together for the best interests of their senior loved ones.

The study, conducted by The Boomer Project, included 711 adults ages 35-64, with living siblings or stepsiblings, who said they either currently provide care for a parent or older relative, or did provide care in the past 18 months.

This inability to effectively work together often leads to one sibling becoming responsible for the bulk of caregiving (true in 43% of families) which can contribute to a deterioration of sibling relationships.

Three key factors, more than any others, will determine if relationships between the adult children will deteriorate, and whether the quality of care to the parent will be compromised. Those factors are the adult children’s ability to make important decisions together; their ability to divide the caregiving workload; and their level of teamwork. The lower the self-reported scores on these measures, the lower the overall grade they give themselves and their siblings in working together to provide care to their parents.

Forty-six percent of caregivers who say their sibling relationships have deteriorated say their brothers and sisters are unwilling to help.

Furthermore, survey participants were much more likely to give themselves excellent ratings for important personal caregiving traits than they were their brothers and sisters.

The implication is that sibling relationships and caregiving quality suffer when there are not effective family processes or dynamics in place to help brothers and sisters make successful decisions, equitably divide the workload and build a caregiving team.

In response, the Home Instead Senior Care network has developed The 50-50 RuleSM (www.solvingfamilyconflict.com). The 50-50 Rule refers to the average age when siblings are caring for their parents (50) as well as the need for brothers and sisters to more equitably share the planning responsibility (50/50).

The stakes are high – sibling relationships and the quality of their parents’ care are at risk. But with new approaches and a focus on building better family relationships, caregiving can make families stronger.

Introduction

• Among a group of siblings, on average, the primary caregiver is a sister, age 50, who has been providing care for an 81-year-old mother for more than 3.5 years.

• Care is not shared equally. In 43% of families, one sibling has the responsibility for providing most or all of the care for Mom or Dad. In only 2% of families, the siblings split the caregiving responsibilities equally between them. In all other families, caregiving is shared based upon skill sets or some other criteria.

• The sibling who is the primary family caregiver reports putting in nearly four times the hours of care than their brothers and sisters (on average, primary family caregivers provide 19 hours of care per week versus four to five hours of care provided by their other siblings).

• Nearly two-thirds of youngest siblings (64%) say they are the primary family caregiver, while only 57% of oldest siblings and 49% of middle siblings say this is their

role. The youngest siblings surveyed are the most likely to describe themselves as the ones with the closest relationship with their parents.

• The adult child who assumes the role of primary caregiver most often describes his or her traditional role in the family as the “responsible one” and “the organizer.”

• Caregiving arrangements amongst siblings occur more by happenstance than by careful consideration of what is best for the siblings or the parents receiving care: 27% say the caregiving arrangement with their siblings is “by default” and 25% say it is based on “proximity.”

• Family caregivers with siblings are most likely to perform tasks for their parents that include emotional support; advice and guidance; companionship; transportation; and assistance with groceries and errands.

Sibling Caregiving Dynamics

Primary caregivers spend 19 hours a week providing care, compared with four to five hours a week each provided by their other siblings.

How is caregiving divided between you and your siblings?

43% One brother or sister does most or all of the caregiving

18% Two or more siblings share

responsibilities, with one or

more much less involved

16% We participate based on our

skills

6%We take turns with caregiving

tasks

2%We divide caregiving

equally

15% Some other arrangement

• When it comes to caregiving, there is a feeling among siblings that “anything you can do I can do better.” Survey participants were much more likely to give themselves excellent ratings for important personal caregiving traits than they were their brothers and sisters. Following are the excellent ratings survey respondents assigned to themselves and their siblings, respectively: reliability (73%; 27%); communication skills (57%; 24%); and empathy (51%; 23%). • Just as the effectiveness of the caregiving team relies on three primary factors – ability to make important decisions together, division of workload, and teamwork – so does the quality of the sibling relationships. Caregivers who rated their sibling team highly on these three key issues are seven times more likely to say their relationships with their siblings have improved (instead of deteriorated) as a result of caregiving.

• The overall effectiveness of the caregiving team impacts quality of sibling relationships. More than one-third of respondents (36%) who give themselves and their siblings average or below-average overall caregiving scores report that their relationships have deteriorated as a result of providing care. Conversely, 69% of caregivers who give themselves and their siblings above average overall caregiving scores say their relationships with their siblings have improved as a result of caregiving.

• Among those survey participants who say their relationships with their siblings have deteriorated as a result of caregiving, the most common reason given (46%) is that their “siblings are not willing to help.” Of those who said their sibling relationships have improved, almost all said their communications with their brothers and sisters are better now.

• Three out of four primary family caregivers say their traditional family role has changed since becoming a caregiver to their parent. One in five (19%) says he or she has “become the parent now,” and about one in seven (14%) says he or she “is more responsible.”

Impact on Sibling Relationships

Caregiver Traits

(Percentage is based on highest importance or highest ability ratings.)

SURVEY METHODOLOGYThe Boomer Project (www.boomerproject.com) conducted an online survey of 711 U.S. adults ages 35-64, with living siblings or stepsiblings, who said they either currently provide care for a parent or older relative, or did provide care in the past 18 months. Almost 60% of the participants identified themselves as primary caregivers; the remaining respondents said they provide care too, but not as their families’ primary caregivers.

Financial Management

My Siblings’ Ability

• Adult children say the most important characteristics for a caregiver are patience, reliability, a positive attitude, empathy and good communications skills. Caregivers surveyed give themselves the highest ratings for reliability and communication skills. They score themselves lowest for patience, financial management skills and medical skills.

• Four in 10 adult children (42%) give themselves and their siblings below average grades for their ability to divide the caregiving workload. More than a quarter of caregivers (28%) say they and their siblings earn below average grades for their teamwork in providing care to their parents.

• The overall effectiveness of the entire team of sibling caregivers is directly proportional to three key factors:

1) Their ability to make important decisions together;

2) Their ability to divide the caregiving workload; and

3) Their level of teamwork in executing/implementing this

workload.

The higher the self-reported scores on these measures, the higher the overall grade the caregivers typically give to themselves and their siblings on working together to care for their parents. Conversely, the lower these scores the more likely caregivers are to report problems related to caregiving, including the deterioration of relationships with their siblings.

This direct correlation is demonstrated by these trends: • More than two-thirds (68%) of caregivers who give their families the highest ratings on their “ability to make important decisions together” also give their families the highest overall ratings for working together to provide care.

• On the other hand, seven in 10 caregivers who say their families fail at their “ability to make important decisions together” also say their families fail in their overall ability to work together to provide care.

• Primary family caregivers who indicate they personally take on more responsibilities, including helping with errands and medication management, are the same individuals who say their family is poor at making important decisions together, dividing the caregiving workload, and teamwork.

• Nearly a quarter of survey participants (23%) say the one thing they would change about how they approach the care of their parents would be to encourage their brothers and sisters to help more.

Caregiver Team Ratings How do you rate you and your siblings on each of the following with regard to providing care to your parents? (% reflects number giving themselves the highest possible rating.)

28% Our willingness to help each other

27% Our ability to make important decisions together

24% Our ability to communicate openly

23% Our ability to work together

22% Our teamwork

22% Our consideration for each other’s ability to help

16% Our ability to divide caregiving workload

Quality of Care Influencers