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HISTORY

In the fall of 1970, Heart City Kiwanis Youth Committee began investigating the Big Brother idea. After consulting many community professional people involved with problem children, the Heart City Kiwanis decided there was a need in Elkhart County. They felt there was no similar service that could help prevent children from getting into trouble being provided. They therefore decided to appropriate seed money to start a BB agency in Elkhart County. Following the guidelines of Big Brothers of America, Big Brothers of Elkhart County Inc., was formed and a downtown Elkhart office space was donated by Pete Sarantos. Other individuals, industries and service organizations donated the necessary equipment and furnishings and Ken Perron (Executive Director/Social Worker) was hired. In 1974 the agency was expanded to help girls, and Big Brothers Big Sisters of Elkhart County came into being. Through the Manpower program a second full time social worker was added to the staff in 1975. Since 1976 Big Brothers Big Sisters has been partially funded by the United Way. In 1988, the agency added the Couples program and in 1994 the Crisis Match program and Embrace programs were added. The Crisis Match and Embrace programs have since dissolved but two more programs have developed. The Family Match program has expanded the Couples Match program. The Lunch Buddies program was added in 1999. Big Brothers Big Sisters services are made possible through annual contributions, fund raising events and the United Way. What can have more appeal than the one to one friendship and compassion of a mature, caring volunteer adult for a lonely, insecure child who lacks direction and emotional support? Big Brothers Big Sisters is people helping people. We represent some very special adults who have chosen to open their hearts, give their time, and to offer a much needed hand of friendship to some special children in our communities. To all the men and women who decided to become Big Brothers and Big Sisters, we say thank you!

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AGENCY FUND DEVELOPMENT & RECRUITMENT ACTIVITIES

ig Brothers Big Sisters of Elkhart County is a charitable youth service organization which is governed by a volunteer board of directors. We receive some of our funding from the United Way and most from private donations and fund raisers.

Bowl For Kids' Sake is the largest fund-raiser. We would like to invite you to participate by becoming a team captain and asking four of your friends, coworkers, or family to bowl with you. Each team member acquires sponsors to pledge them a certain amount of money per pin. Every bowler receives free bowling, a free towel and chances to win door prizes. You may also help out by approaching your place of employment with the opportunity to be a corpo-rate, lane or team sponsor or promote BFKS as their annual charity event. Another fund raiser is the Strike Up A Match raffle, held in conjunction with Bowl For Kids’ Sake.

olunteer recruitment is an ongoing project and Big Brothers Big Sisters is always looking for additional and different ways to find Big Brother/Big Sister volunteers. As a volunteer you are the best recruiter because you can share your experiences, firsthand. If you have any friends or family

members who might be interested in being a volunteer, please ask them to call our agency office. We have many children waiting for a Big Brother, Big Sister, Big Couple, Big Family, or Lunch Buddy.

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What Will You Do? - Expectations

We all had someone in our lives, other than a parent, who made a difference to us. This is what you can do for a child in our program. It’s really pretty simple—it’s a matter of making yourself available on a consistent basis. It’s showing you care. It’s having fun with a child. It’s listening to them talk about whatever is go-ing on in their lives. It’s a series of small, teachable moments that, in the end, make a BIG difference. Changes in your Little tend to occur slowly. Your Little may not call you or sug-gest activities for you to do—this is normal behavior. Often Littles won’t say “thank you” - this this doesn’t mean they aren’t enjoying the time with you. It just takes time for the relationship to form. To make the most of your relationship:

♦ Be a good friend: Listen, have fun, take time to get to know this new person in your life. Choose activities that you both enjoy and that will strengthen the bond between you. Don’t set out to impose mandatory changes in the Little. Positive behaviors will flow after your Little trusts you and your Little grows in being more secure, not by your declaring mandatory new behaviors that the Little has to do.

♦ Be consistent: * Show the child you think your time together is important. ♦ Be involved and participate in agency activities: * This connects you with other Bigs and Littles and allows your Little to inter act with other kids in the program. ♦ Regularly communicate with your Little, the parents and your Match Support

Specialist: * We will contact you each month to provide assistance and give feedback on how you’re making a difference. * Anytime you are unsure about what to do or how to handle a situation, your Match Support Specialists are here to help. ♦ Work for a long-lasting relationship. ♦ Realize that problems may come up: * It’s normal for problems to arise in a match relationship. * Try to balance your expectations of what it will be like with your Little and be realistic about how fast the relationship will take to develop.

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Your Role

he success of the match friendship depends greatly on the efforts of the Big, the Little, and the Parent. Each one plays an important role in helping build a meaningful friendship.

What is a “Big”? It won’t be long before you meet your Little Brother or Little Sister for the first time. And, when you do, it will help for you to understand your role as a Big. What makes a successful “Big”? Successful Bigs………….

◊ Emphasize friendship over changing the behavior of the child. ◊ Are not authoritarian. ◊ Decide activities together with Littles. ◊ Are consistent and dependable. ◊ Have realistic expectations. ◊ Are patient. ◊ Focus on having fun. ◊ Set boundaries and limits. ◊ Acknowledge that positive impact on the child comes after the rela-

tionship is build. ◊ Put a child’s safety and well-being first.

What a “Big” Is Not

◊ Parent ◊ Financial support ◊ “Taxi” service ◊ Babysitter ◊ Peer ◊ Therapist

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GUIDELINES AND GROUNDRULES

1. The start of a match is an adjustment time for the volunteer, child, and parent (guardian). Relationships take time and effort to develop. Try to be patient and don't expect quick changes. The combined effort, support, and approval of the volunteer and the parent can create a successful match and make family life easier.

2. The volunteer is providing a service to the Little's family and the Big Brother Big Sister agency. The volunteer's time and financial limitations need to be respected and appreciated. Everyone can help build the relationship by saying "Thank You", being courteous, discussing the joy of visits together and positive changes noticed in the home situation.

3. The parent's rules and discipline need to be respected. We encourage clear communication between the parent and volunteer regarding the limits and schedules of the child.

4. We expect consistent, reliable contact between the volunteer and child so that a healthy, trusting relationship can develop. If this is not occurring, call your case manager.

5. Please do not "ground" a child from seeing the volunteer. We suggest that the situation be discussed with the volunteer and by mutual consent, possibly, the outing can be restricted in some way, rather than canceled. (Not allowing a child to have regular visits with a volunteer, as a means of discipline, will result in termination of that child from the program.)

6. Parents please be considerate of volunteers. When your child is ill or recovering from an illness, the child should not participate on outings with the volunteer.

7. It is appropriate for volunteers to set ground rules and correct misbehavior during a visit. We do not permit physical punishment (spanking, slapping) or withdrawal of visits as a means of discipline.

8. The volunteer has the responsibility for arranging the time of visits. Clear arrangements for the visit need to be made with the parent. A. The volunteer should arrive at the agreed upon time and the child should be ready to go. B. The child should be well groomed and dressed appropriately for the activity and the weather. C. The volunteer is responsible for the supervision, safety and welfare of the child during the visit. Reminder volunteers: We require the use of car safety belts for the child when you are traveling together. D. The child should be returned home at the agreed upon time. If this is not possible, the parent should be notified. E. Prior agreement needs to be made for the child's return home, when the parent is not going to be there.

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9. If it is necessary to cancel or be late for a visit, please call. Allow as much time as possible because, the closer the cancellation or delay is to the expected outing, the more disappointing it is and damaging to the relationship.

10. It is prohibited for an adult volunteer or a minor child to use alcohol or illegal drugs prior to a visit or during any time they are in the presence of one another. It is illegal for children under the age of 18 to possess or use tobacco products. Volunteers, please be courteous of your Little's sensitivity and do not smoke in their presence.

11. Family members or friends of Bigs or Littles are not encouraged to participate on outings on a regular basis. Our program philosophy is based on a one to one relationship.

12. We expect you to let our agency know of any changes in your living situation -- address or phone change, marriage or job change, serious illness, etc.

13. The agency staff does not consider overnights as necessary to a good match. They may only occur with the mutual consent of the parent, volunteer, and the agency case manager. An overnight cannot occur within the first year of the match. Prior to the first overnight visit, the parent must provide written consent to our office and the case manager must approve. Separate sleeping facilities (rooms) are required.

14. Generally, the volunteer is expected to pay for the cost of activities and transportation. The parent is encouraged to help out, but we recognize this is not always possible. We suggest the volunteer avoid spending money on the child except for activities, projects done together and special occasions.

15. It is necessary for you to have monthly contact with your case manager. If we do not call you, call our office. Failure to maintain monthly contact with your case manager may result in your removal from the program. We are here to offer support and guidance to all involved in the match relationship. If you are having any difficulties in the match your case manager is ready and willing to offer helpful suggestions. If you are having personal or family problems, your case manager may also be able to help with them or direct you to someone who can.

16. Guidelines for training: Children, parents and volunteers accepted into the program must complete all mandatory training requirements before a match can be proposed and completed. Individuals will be give 3 months to do this. If the mandatory training has not been completed within 3 months, the file will be closed.

17. Confidentiality: Information about the child and/or family situation may not be shared outside of the program. The preceding guidelines have been set up for the benefit of the child and to aid in the success of the match. Continued pro- blems in one or more of these areas may result in termination from the program.

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GOAL SETTING Every match is encouraged to set goals for themselves and to work toward their completion. The agency sets four goals that we consider essential for the first 6 months of every match and thereafter. 1) Build Trust by being there weekly; giving your full time and attention to your

Little while you are together; not including other family members (yours or his/hers) any more than once every couple months; calling on occasion just to talk; and definitely calling if you must cancel a visit because of illness or work responsibilities.

2) Have Fun by trying a variety of activities and projects. Working together

makes even the ordinary things brighten up. Plan to share laughter and warm feelings.

3) Learn To Know Your Little by finding out who his/her best friend is (besides

you), what embarrasses him/her the most, favorite music, favorite TV show, favorite food, biggest disappointment, what non-school book he/she has read recently, least liked chore at home, nickname, etc. (Be creative!) Talking of-ten occurs while walking, riding, over dinner or as you work together.

4) Involve Your Little In Community Service Projects teaching them through

your example to give back to the community in which they live. Participate in agency sponsored events, or do an individual project, such as be a Friendly Visitor for the Council on Aging or at a nursing home, ring bells for the Salva-tion Army, help with the river cleanup, volunteer to serve at Faith Mission or the food kitchens, etc. There is an extensive list of opportunities in the office.

Close to the end of the first six months you and your Little's parent will be asked by your caseworker to help complete an evaluation of your match and your Little's needs. From that information, other specific goals to work toward will be added to the basic goals listed above. From that time on, re-evaluation and determination of goals will take place each year your match continues.

The purpose of evaluation and formulation of goals is threefold. First, we all become familiar with the individual child's needs and then plan a way to meet as many as possible of them; secondly, you as a Big, have some direction to take your friendship, and thirdly, the agency staff is able to measure the child's progress to a healthier, happier life.

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VOLUNTEER POINTERS

The first step as a volunteer is to ask yourself some questions. Think about how you want the relationship to begin, how you perceive it to grow, and how you see it maturing. Accordingly, these questions will give you an idea of the focus and direction of your relationship. The Big Brother Big Sister program has given considerable thought and attention to the development of relationships. Below we have listed what we feel are important steps in relationship development. Hopefully, these pointers will give you more ideas for the beginning, growth, and maturity of your relationship.

Beginning First, you need to incorporate the child into a new environment; your life. This can be an awkward time for both of you. We suggest you spend time thinking about how you want the relationship to grow and develop. To develop a relationship you need to set goals, establish guidelines, and define rules according to your values and expectations. These goals do need to fit in with the plans and goals the parent may have for the child. This will give your relationship focus and direction. Take the time to develop ideas and plans for incorporating the child into your life.

One-To-One Friendship The next step as a volunteer is to develop your friendship with the child. This is primarily accomplished through consistency, patience, and dependability. A good one-to-one friendship offers something the child will look up to and admire. Keep your involvement with other family members minimal as this may jeopardize your relationship with the child. Consequently, you will benefit from being the child's one special friend. The one-to-one friendship provides strong bonds through feelings of desirability, trust, and being special. You do need to establish a certain rapport with the parent and keep him/her informed of any concerns or joys you are experiencing. It is extremely important to establish an open communication between you and the parent, especially in the early stages .

Consistency Consistency is the most important factor in developing the relationship. We recommend that you see the child once a week. Taking the child for a ride, out for a coke, or to any other simple activity may seem insignificant, but to a child it says that you care and are committed to the relationship. Consistency will demonstrate to the child that you really do care, that they are important to you, and most of all that you are a friend. Consistency helps build trust.

Reliability Reliability helps build responsibility. You will have an opportunity to help teach a child the importance of reliability through punctuality, organization, and scheduling. Through consistency, being on time, planning and following through on promises, you can help shape the child's perspective on reliability. Reliability will show your commitment to the relationship, build trust, and give confidence to the child.

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Confidentiality Whatever you surmise about a child or their family is, under no circumstance, to be discussed with anyone other than those fully authorized by our staff. Violations of confidentiality are not only unethical, but if discovered, can destroy a child's trust in you. If you discover something you feel is important to the safety of the child you should contact your case manager.

Financial Obligations We suggest that you do not base your relationship on money. A child will learn quickly that you are a soft touch where money is concerned. Be cautious about the amount of money you spend on special occasions. Sometimes, a parent may offer financial assistance. You may certainly accept this assistance if it is appropriate to your outing.

Patience At times you may feel that the child is not responding to your efforts. Many children have not been taught to respond to someone's actions. You need to realize this and help build the child's perspective in sensitivity. When things have been difficult, a child cannot be expected to change in a few weeks, months, or even years. The positive impact of your work may not have an effect until long after you are gone. Progress can be slow and frustrating. Be patient and recognize this. The child does appreciate your efforts, but it may take time for them to realize and reciprocate the feelings. You can help build recognition through patience and understanding of the child's position.

Positive Reinforcement Try to be aware of good behavior. All too often we recognize only negative behavior. The child needs praise and recognition to help develop self esteem and confidence. Reward good grades, kindness, and any other positive behavior with praise and recognition. Thank the child for sharing feelings, thoughts, or ideas. This will provide confidence and encourage the child to continue sharing. Always remember to recognize good behavior and give appropriate compliments.

Setbacks Setbacks can occur in any match. Be patient and have the ability to deal with disappointment. We all like to achieve success with a young person. Remember, the child does not owe it to us to be successful; they owe it to themselves. Setbacks will occur. Deal with setbacks effectively through patience and understanding.

Casework Follow Up Follow up is designed for you, the child, and the family. Your case manager can help focus the direction of your match. Many questions can be answered, problems discussed, or advice given by your case manager. The case manager is experienced in helping relationships continue to develop and grow.

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BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS What Makes a Mentoring Relationship Successful? I knew that it was going to take her some time to loosen up, and you just can’t force someone to trust you...you can’t force somebody not to be shy. You just have to wait. -A mentor

The key to creating effective mentoring relationships lies in the development of trust between two strangers of different ages. Volunteers come to mentoring programs be-cause they want to help youth. Without establishing trust, however, mentors can never truly support the youth with whom they interact.

Establishing communication and developing a relationship can often be a difficult proc-ess. Learning to trust, especially for youth who have been let down before, requires time—youth cannot be expected to trust their mentor simply because program staff have put the two of them together.

The most critical factor in determining whether matches develop into satisfying and ef-fective relationships characterized by high levels of trust is the approach of the mentor. Mentors who follow a gradual path in trust-building find that the types of support they can offer, and are accepted, broadens considerably once trust has been established.

Effective mentors are more likely to engage in the following practices. They: • See themselves as “friends” rather than teachers or parents, and define their role

as supporting the youth in a variety of ways. • Are “active listeners.” • Make a commitment to being consistent and dependable, to maintaining a stead

presence in the youth’s life. • Recognize that the relationship may seem fairly one-sided and take responsibility

for keeping the relationship alive. Youth often test adults to determine whether they will actually stick around. Successful mentors regularly initiate contact and ensure that meetings are scheduled, rather than waiting to hear from youth.

• Involve the youth in deciding how the pair will spend their time together. While youth are often reticent about expressing what they want to do, successful mentors take the time to learn about the youth’s interests and provide them with options for how to spend their time, rather than planning everything without input from the youth.

• Pay attention to kids’ need for “fun”. Having fun together is a key part of building relationships, and it also provides youth with valuable opportunities that are other-wise often unavailable to them.

• Seek and utilize the help and advice of program staff. Successful mentors recog-nize that they don’t have all the answers, and they value the support and guidance that program staff can provide.

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What Stands in the Way of a Successful Relationship?

Mentors who focus first on building trust and becoming a friend to their youth tend to be more effective than mentors who immediately try to change or reform the youth.

Adults whose attention is concentrated on reforming youth are often frustrated by the youth’s lack of receptivity. These volunteers make the mistake of pushing too hard and too quickly on the youth’s problem: pressing the mentee to talk about sensitive issues before he/she is ready, and ignoring the youth’s desire to help set the agenda for the pair’s activities. These mentors fail precisely because they are too focused on their own agenda.

Less successful mentors tend to do the following. They:

• Approach the relationship with narrow, specific goals aimed at changing the youth’s behavior.

• Have difficulty meeting with youth on a regular and consistent basis, often de-manding that youth plan an equal role in initiating contact. Unsuccessful men-tors often complain that their mentee does not call them to arrange meetings or that the mentee fails to show up for scheduled meetings.

• Attempt to instill a set of values that may be different from or inconsistent with those the youth is exposed to at home.

• Attempt to transform or reform the youth by setting tasks (for example, focusing on doing schoolwork during their meetings) and adopting a parental or authori-tative role in their interactions with youth. The value of a mentor is often in hav-ing a supportive adult who is not a parent or teacher. Adopting the posture of these authority figures undermines the development of trust between a mentor and youth.

• Emphasize behavior changes over developing mutual trust and respect in the relationship. Mentors cannot force a youth to change; too much focus on what is wrong with a youth is more likely to turn him or her away from the mentor.

Adopting these ineffective strategies often leads to dissatisfaction with the match and premature termination. In a study of Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, re-searchers found that over 70 percent of the matches that included mentors who took this “reform the youth” approach met only sporadically and the majority of those matches ended relatively quickly. In contrast, in matches where mentors adopted the gradual trust-building approach, more than 90 percent met on a regular and consistent basis for an extended period of time. (Information from Building Relationships With Youth in Program Settings: A Study of Big Brothers Big Sisters, 1995. Kristine V. Morrow and Melanie B. Styles. Philadelphia: Public/Private Ventures.)

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How to Create a Partnership with Your Little’s Parent/Guardian Parents have entrusted their child to you. They remain the leaders in their family and our role is to support them whenever we can when appropriate. It’s important that we respect and honor that. The parent’s support is critical to the success of the match. It may take a while to establish your role with the parent. Listed below are some ways you can work with the Parent/Guardian. • Communicate with them before and after an activity. Describe what you

plan to do and what you’ve done together. • Make sure they are aware of activity plans, and ask if the activity is okay (do

not rely on the Little to tell the Parent/Guardian about plans). • Let them know about any changes in plans. • Respect the privacy and confidentiality of your Little’s family. • Maintain a primary relationship with your Little and do not become overly in-

volved with the rest of his/her family. • Talk to your Match Support Specialist about any concerns you have about

your Little’s family or your Little’s well-being.

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Valuable Relationships Now that you are matched with your Little; you may be thinking what comes next and how fast will it happen?

As every experienced Big will tell you, the friendship takes time to develop. It is a different experience for every Big and Little, and no doubt your friendship will be unique. However, there are some common stages that most match friendships will go through at different times, usually depending on the level of trust that has been established.

Honeymoon Stage

From the first meeting to approximately the four-month date. What does this stage look like? • You both are trying to figure out each other. • Littles may try to get their Bigs’ approvals or impress them

What can you do to move it along? • Without prying, learn facts about your Little and reference them in your conver-

sations: e.g. Favorite things, best friend, where they’ve traveled. • Be consistent and flexible, do what you say you are going to do. • Be patient and remember that relationships have ups and downs, and don’t

“happen” by themselves. Growth Stage From approximately the four-month date to the one-year date.

What does this stage look like? • This is the most crucial time regarding the development of the Big/Little relation-

ship. • This is the time that may be a turning point in the relationship. • It is common, around the four-month date, that your Little will begin testing you

to see what you are really about and how much he/she can get away with. • Your Little may be observing you to find a reason not to trust you.

What can you do to move it along? • Show your Little that he can trust you, through your reliability, consistency, and

time together. As trust develops, your Little will probably begin sharing bits of information here and there with you.

• Keep in close contact with your Case Manager for ideas. • Recognize and praise accomplishments. • If you need to give advice or address behavior problems, give reasons; avoid

“shoulds.”

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Maturity Stage

This state begins somewhere around the one-year anniversary date.

What does this state look like? • You will notice your relationship with your Little has become more positive and

realistic and match activities are less structured. • Most Bigs have shed their preconceived notions regarding the match and their

Little. • As the friendship matures, you will see the maturity of your Little as he/she

grows and develops.

What can you do to move it along? • Develop long term shared interests, activities that you will do frequently to-

gether and that you both enjoy. • Identify past shared experiences and enjoy shared “jokes.” • Learn something new to both of you, together.

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-Be patient -Be yourself

-Be an active listener -Model appropriate behavior

-Be dependable -Be clear and consistent

-Be realistic -Avoid getting in the middle between parent and child

-Give advice sparingly -Accept your Little for who they are

-Help your Little become more self aware -Be honest about your values and feelings

-See your Little as an individual -Do not criticize

-Do not pass judgments -Do not use a lot of "shoulds"

-Get to know your Little gradually and naturally -Set limits of proper conduct for your Little

-Consider your relationship important -Do not make promises you can not keep

-Avoid accusations -Structure creative, imaginative activities -Select activities that are age appropriate -Remember what it was like to be that age

-Have fun! -Be flexible

-Be affectionate and caring -Acknowledge accomplishments

-Give encouragement

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ROLES OF A BIG A Big serves as an adult companion, a positive role model, a friend and a listener, an instructor and a limit setter, a resource and a guide. In these roles, the Big will be the one who initiates the flow of the relationship and invites the Little to share and explore in this relationship through open communication. As an adult companion the Big is willing to involve themselves in the total life of the child, by being understanding , kind, sincere, patient and by providing affection and security. The Big commits without condition to a child, accepting the responsibility that the child may be unresponsive and/or get into trouble because of emotions, natural growing pains, different value systems, latent hostility against adults and testing to ascertain if professed friendship is genuine. The Big allows the child a degree of independence in the choices and judgments they may make; and they provide resources and settings for activities. As a positive role model the Big exhibits a standard of behavior for modeling honesty, truth, and respect for others. A child may look to the Big for an example in life style, dress, occupation, personal habits and demeanor. As a friend and listener the Big maintains open communication with the Little, suspending judgments and accepting the child for what they are. The Big creates a climate which allows expression of positive and negative attitudes, feelings, and thoughts. As an instructor, the Big exposes the Little to new and challenging opportunities and shares their own skills and talents with the child. Difficult situations are "teachable moments", learning experiences for creative problem solving. As a limit setter, the Big sets clear limits for acceptable behavior and focuses on the behavior rather than the child. To enhance the Little's self esteem, the Big stresses positive behaviors rather than simply pointing out negative ones. As a resource and a guide, the Big opens the door to many activities and experiences for the Little. Also, when serious problem situations arise, the Big can function as a guide and advocate to identify the appropriate resources to insure successful intervention. A Big is NOT a: parent substitute, authority figure, disciplinarian, adoptive parent, recreational director, Santa Claus without the suit, counselor or therapist, judge, jury and hangman, credit card, free ticket, moralist, clergy, baby sitter, "good-time Charlie or Sally", employer, probation officer, lawyer, "part" of the Little's family, chauffeur, consultant for the Little's family.

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ROLES OF A LITTLE It's very important to the Big/Little relationship that it gets off to a good start. The following are "roles" that the Little may exhibit during the early part of your match. Becoming acquainted with them will make it easier for you to understand your Little, thus making your relationship smoother.

Until the Little is certain that you are sincere about being his/her friend, the Little may assume an inactive role. This role is simply not acting at all. He/she doesn't want to commit him/herself to assume any role at all until he/she learns a little more about you. However, don't become alarmed. Be patient and sincere in your dealings with your Little and he/she will soon assume a different role.

When a Big/Little relationship begins the Little really doesn't understand what is to be accomplished by having a Big. The Little doesn't understand what his/her role in the relationship will eventually be. More than likely the Little believes the Big is supposed to take him/her on outings, buy goodies, and provide him/her with a good time. This is why we refer to this role as the exploiter role. Only time and your relationship with your Little can eventually make him/her aware that he/she must assume another role for the friendship to progress.

The bargainer role is used by the Little to get something he/she wants from you or wants you to do for him/her. In return he/she will promise to do something for you that you probably expect of him/her anyway. The Little may or may not live up to his/her part of the bargain. Basically, the Little uses the compromise method in order to obtain what it is he/she desires from you.

Very often a Little wants to impress his Big. When the Little assumes the performer role, the Little is seeking your recognition for some type of achievement. The achievement may be nothing more than making a shot with a basketball. But when he/she is performing the Little wants your attention and recognition. Give him/her both and make him/her feel important.

The friendship role is the role that makes the desired Big/Little relationship. At this point, the Little becomes concerned about what he/she is giving to the relationship as well as what he/she is taking from the relationship. The Little begins to want to go places that both of you like, instead of places that just interest him/her. He/she wants to do things for you. The Little may mow your grass, wash your car, or make you something. He/she becomes aware of your feelings and can tell when something is bothering you. He/she simply wants to share in the friendship rather than just take from the friendship.

Please note this caution: this friendship role does not come about right away. As a matter of fact, depending upon the Little, it could take a long time to develop. Nevertheless, this is the type of relationship you want to help your Little to learn to develop.

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TO THE VOLUNTEERS About the parent and child... 1. These children are valuable. Learning to cope with their joys and sorrows is what will bring them to a healthy adulthood. Around here we treat them as our own and we hope you do the same.

2. These children are individuals. They do have expectations about your friendship and the activities you do together. A perceptive eye and honest, forthright conversations about each others' expectations can resolve many differences.

3. These parents and children have been told that you have made a commitment. That commitment is to see the child for a minimum of one year on a regular basis.

4. These children have been screened by professional staff members. There is a need for your friendship on a regular basis or the children would not have been accepted into the program. They and their parents have been asked many personal and some embarrassing questions in order to determine their motives for entering the program. Remember, the lack or abundance of material possessions does not change the need for your friendship and guidance and acceptance.

5. These children crave your attention and friendship. They may not know much about all your other responsibilities, but they can learn if you divide your time creatively and respectfully. 6. These people must be respected. A word of thanks to the child and parent for sharing of themselves with you goes a long way toward a warm friendship. Besides, example is the best teacher.

7. These people are busy, too. Oftentimes, the schedules of single parents are even more hectic than normal. Respect their schedules by planning a bit in advance, being on time and, above all, being there when you say you will and as you have committed yourself to be.

8. These people have been told you will be a friend to their child, not a counselor or motivator of the parent or other family members. Do take time to talk with the parent but don't overextend yourself--problems go to the case manager.

9. These people don't want to be manipulated or used. Parents and children often pull away from the friendship if they sense this is happening.

10. These children and parents are just people. They have personal problems and weaknesses and strengths just like you. They are not perfect. However, we think they are special and we treat them as such. We hope you do too.

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LISTEN TO ME

When I ask you to listen to me, and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me, and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me - strange as that may seem. Listen! All I asked was that you listen - not talk or do - just hear me. Advice is cheap. A quarter will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper. I can do for myself. I'm not helpless - discouraged and faltering, maybe - but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you, and get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational fear. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice. Irrational fears make sense when we understand what's behind them. Perhaps that's why prayer works -sometimes, for some people. God is mute. God doesn't give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself. So please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and then I'll listen to you.

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COMMUNICATIONS WHEEL

Level #1: Chitchat Level very informal; "how's it going?" or "nice weather".

Level #2: Information Level or Factual Level describes who we are and what we do; a small amount of risk involved; amount of risk depends on who we are talking to. Examples: may not tell that you are divorced, that you have flunked a grade in school, where you live, where you go to school, etc.

Level #3: Our Feelings on Factual Issues a different step for many people; a realm for possible friendships; feelings on abortion, race relations, premarital sex, etc.

Level #4: Inner Feelings how things affect us personally; what we feel about our own lives, marriage, divorce, dates, parents, major decisions, disappointments, etc.

Level #5: Peak Experiences this has been described as "taking the covers of life and throwing them back to totally expose the self"; hopefully, it occurs with people that one is closest to-- a spouse, a parent, a child, and a few close friends; here we talk about anything at all.

What allows a person to move through the levels of the communications wheel? It is important to think about his because many of our Little Brothers and Sisters are having no fifth level experiences (peak experiences) and there are also quite a few who seem to be having no fourth levels experiences (display of inner feelings). It is not surprising that the child lacks in-depth communication when we consider their parents have probably never experienced truly meaningful communication themselves.

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As you are moving through the levels with your child, it is important not to push him to a level he is not comfortable with yet. Just as you may not be willing to reveal all of your personal life to your child, the child also has to give himself time to fully progress through the communications levels. Basically, be sensitive to your child's resistance to movement.

As a volunteer, it is important from the onset, for you to think about the relationship you and your Little Brother or Sister will have. Perhaps the depth of the relation-ship may mean more to your Little brother or Sister than it does to you. You may be the child's first true confidant or friend. You, on the other hand, have probably had several people that you experience peak experiences with.

Your relationship with your child does not touch your child alone but also reaches his/her parents and other brothers and sister. It is so important for you to help your child to build his/her relationships with his/her parents. This can be done by such simple things as going into the house to pick up your child (do not honk the horn). When you pick him/her up, include the parents by telling them where you will be taking the child. Be enthusiastic about the child. When you bring him home, go in and tell the parent about the day. Speak positively about the child and your day together.

Many parents themselves are in need of significant friendships and someone just to talk to. The parent may try to make you his or her volunteer rather than The child's volunteer. Occasionally, a parent may, out of jealousy, try to sabotage the relationship between you and your Little Brother or Sister.

If this happens, be patient and learn to deal with it. Possibly you could occasionally include the parent in the plans for the day. Think of the parents and the child as friends. Remember you are not there to be the child's parent, but rather his friend and a good positive influence. Give the parent time to adjust to you and your relationship with his/her child.

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How To Listen to Your Little

• Listen to the language of behavior: Tears, a laugh, a sullen face, a slammed door have meaning just as words do.

• Respond to verbal and nonverbal communication appropriately: Let the

child realize that you accept his feelings, whatever they may be, and therefore he can verbally express them to you if he/she so chooses.

• Learn to respond reflectively: Let him/her know what you think he/she is

feeling at a particular moment without placing a value judgment on his/her feel-ings.

• Be less teachy: Do not get so caught up in the idea that you have to be

“teaching” your child something all of the time. In doing this, you may overlook his/her problem of the moment.

• Realize the importance of listening: This can play an important part toward enhancing your child’s feeling of self-esteem and self-confidence (listening can communicate any number of different but overlapping messages--such as, “you’re a worthwhile person” and “I respect your point of view.”) • Be an active listener: Make a conscious and obvious effort to understand and

care about what your child is saying. • Accept early language imperfections: The English language does not al-

ways follow its own rules. A child who is constantly corrected might have diffi-culty being spontaneous and sharing his/her experiences of feelings because he/she fears criticism.

• Start listening early: Communication between the teenager and the volunteer

is extremely difficult if the groundwork has not been laid early. What is “important” is a relative matter and any child’s concern is important to him/her.

• It is never too late: Good communication patterns do begin early--but better communication is always possible.

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POSITIVE COMMUNICATION Understanding how we communicate is important. Recognizing the roadblocks we use in our daily conversations is a start in building effective communication skills. Using a reflective, listening technique, being open to what the other person is saying, taking time to listen to their words and their body language, and understanding our own biases and perceptions can bring us closer to building strong matches with our Littles. Listed below are important positive communication skills to substitute for the roadblocks.

Body Language

"Actions speak louder than words." That old saying can remind you that communication is not just words. Our nonverbal language is also very important for effective communication and successful relationships. Show an interest in the speaker and what they are saying by having eye contact and an open face. Do not "fidget" with objects while the other person is speaking. When you are speaking, maintain eye contact and use appropriate gestures and smiles. For example, folding your arms across your chest and frowning while a person is speaking to you signals a closed and doubtful attitude towards the speaker or topic.

Active Listening Good communication between two people begins with listening. Developing effective listening skills can enhance a relationship and avoid misunderstandings. Listening means attending to the person talking, hearing their words, watching their nonverbal cues, and understanding the meaning of what they are verbally and nonverbally saying. Listening skills are based on respect...respect for the person with whom you are communicating, whatever their age. Active listening is a fundamental communication skill. It tells the child you are interested. It involves listening carefully to the words and feelings expressed and repeating these facts in such a way that the speaker knows he or she has been understood. Active listening takes energy. This means "listening to" rather than just hearing. Concentration is vital. Open body language is necessary. Active listening attempts to identify the emotion underlying the words. What is the other person really experiencing? What are they really saying? Active listening requires that the listener reflect back the feelings heard. It means letting the speaker know what you believe they are saying. The listener suspends judgment and prejudice and focuses on the feeling underlying the message. By responding in this way, you show you care about the person to whom you are listening.

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Active listening includes the following techniques of paraphrasing, door opening, probing, and perception checking: Paraphrasing - The listener, in their own words, states their understanding of what they have heard and asks the speaker to verify or correct this interpretation. Paraphrasing everything is impractical, but it should be practiced when the listener has an uncertainty. Paraphrases may employ such words as, "Do I hear you saying...?", "I believe you mean... right?" or "Sounds like...". Door Opening- The listener invites the speaker to elaborate. The listener must show interest, and must not allow their own viewpoint of judgments to contaminate the invitation. Examples of door openers are: "Give me an example.”, “Please tell me more about it.”, “I’d like to hear more about this.”, and “I’m not sure I understand…”. Probing- The listener raises a topic that is related to the speaker's statement and asks the speaker to elaborate on that topic. For example- Little: "I like math. The only reason I got a D is that I can hardly hear the teacher." Big: "Have you noticed having trouble catching what other teachers are saying?" Perception Checking - The listener also pays attention to what is not being said to reach new insights and hunches, then checks the accuracy of these with the speaker. Body language, eye contact, topics systematically avoided and the unmentioned feelings that lie behind the words, are some of the things worth noticing. "Every time you've mentioned your sister today, you've clenched your fists and gritted your teeth. I sense a lot of anger. Are you mad at her?"

"I" Statements

The way we talk to others can either destroy or build their confidence and self esteem. For most Littles, self esteem is virtually nonexistent or is easily destroyed. How we talk to our Littles therefore will be an important factor in reinforcing how they feel about themselves. A good way to think about the difference between ineffective and effective communication is to think of sending either "you" messages or "I" messages. "You" messages are belittling and blaming. They put the responsibility for your feelings on the other person. "You make me so mad." "You disappoint me." "Don't talk back to me."

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"I" statements are more effective. They let you express your feelings and

thoughts directly, honestly and clearly. They are especially helpful in expressing feelings without blaming, accusing, or labeling. They allow the listener to assume responsibility for their own behavior. They set an example for effective communication. An "I" message states how you feel, a specific behavior, the effect of the behavior on you and/or what you want. "I felt disappointed when you lied to me about going to school because I thought that you trusted me." "I get nervous when you play with the knife that way." "I feel frustrated when..." "I feel happy when...".

Probing

After the initial "I" statement, reflective response, or nonverbal encourager, what

do you say? It is important to remember that children and teenagers do not have the same communication patterns as adults. Children do not respond in the same manner. A sigh of relief, a complete change of topic, the beginnings of a smile, and interest in an object, will be the only sign you receive. There are no rules in communication to tell you when to keep "probing" and when to stop. Each situation is unique as is each individual. When the child or teen does respond to your first statements, your next response may be a question, or an encouragement to tell you more. Sometimes it is just best to reflect back what the child has said. Don't worry if you think you've said the wrong thing or didn't have perfect listening skills with your Little. When you realize you may have "blocked" the communication, admit it to the child and try again. "I felt disappointed when you lied to me about going to school because I thought that you trusted me." "I get nervous when you play with the knife that way." "I feel frustrated when..." "I feel happy when...".

Open Ended Questions

Asking questions can demonstrate that you care about your Little and what is

important to them. Questions which require more than a "yes" or "no" answer are helpful to you in drawing your Little out; listening to their responses helps you to discover their world. For example: "What did you do at recess today?" or "What did you do after school?" are more facilitating than questions like "How are you?" or "Did you have a good day?" Many children have little experience with good communication techniques, so your modeling openness and effective skills will help them to learn and grow in the relationship.

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REFLECTIVE LISTENING

The reflective listening response is one that makes the child aware of his/her

feelings, and one that helps them own their feelings. Your response should include three elements to help them achieve this. 1. You need a lead in. Some common ones are: "Sounds like you're feeling..." or just "sounds like..." "I hear you saying..." "So that makes you feel..." "So that means you're feeling..." "Are you telling me you feel like..." 2. State the feeling you're picking up on. If you are wrong, don't worry- the child will tell you. 3. Name the source the feeling has. For example: "It sounds like you feel real angry when your sister will not share her things with you". This helps the child put the whole issue in perspective. When using these responses, at first it will sound canned. Practice and it will become more comfortable. You MUST sound genuine when using responsive listening or the child will pick up on it and not think you're authentic in caring about him/her as an individual. In order to remain as genuine as possible when listening to a child, try to imagine what that child must feel like in that situation. Or as one expert puts it: "feeling yourself into, or participating in, the inner world of another while remaining yourself". This is called "empathy". It differs from sympathy, in that, sympathy you feel for the person, empathy you feel through that person, or with them. Try to feel what the child is feeling as much as you possibly can. Feel your way into the internal frame of reference of the child and try to see the world through the child's eyes, as if that world were your own. Be careful to remain yourself in this process. Never lose sight of who you are while emphasizing with the child.

Door Openers...

1. Nodding head and "uh-huh"s 2. "I would like to hear more." 3. "What does that mean to you?" 4. "How did that make you feel?" 5. "Could you tell me more about that?" or any other very natural, non-threatening response you feel comfortable with.

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Listening Don'ts

1. Never say "I know exactly how you feel...". You are not that person. 2. Let the child know the situation and his/her feelings are unique but they are not alone. 3. Don't let the child think you have all the answers. This method of listening really is not very difficult if you listen with your heart. Remember, we were all kids once, too.

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ROADBLOCKS TO COMMUNICATION

Blocks are behaviors that hinder rather than facilitate communication. We

should be alert to them in ourselves and others. Common blocks are accusations, rationalizations (ignoring the emotional content of an issue), irrational statements (sabotaging the conversation), pacifying statements (covering over the other's feelings), and rhetorical questions (pressuring the others to agree to the opinion hidden in the question). Generally, a block in any form tends to discount the validity of the feelings, opinion and rights of the other person. Blocks may sabotage open communication and get in the way of building self esteem. The following common forms of responses to children, employees, friends, intimates and others, usually have negative effects on relationships and communications. When used, they deny feelings and lower self-esteem. A person using a roadblock will have a tendency to focus away from the issue at hand and instead invest their energy in a power struggle. Positive alternatives to these roadblocks are active listening techniques such as door openers, probing, paraphrasing and reflective listening. These are only starting points. Each of us has our own style. Be aware of responses that feel most comfortable to you. -Directing, ordering or commanding -Threatening, warning or punishing -Moralizing, preaching, obliging -Persuading with logic, arguing, instructing or lecturing (judging) -Advising, recommending, providing answers or solutions (implies superiority) -Criticizing, name-calling, blaming, evaluating, judging negatively or disapproving -Kidding, teasing, making light of, joking, using sarcasm (arouses anger) -Diagnosing, psychoanalyzing, interpreting, reading-in -Withdrawing, diverting, avoiding, digressing or shifting (silent treatment) -Cross-examining, interrogating, questioning, probing or prying (3rd degree) -Praising, judging positively or approving (judging)

-Reassuring, consoling, excusing, or sympathizing (minimizes feelings of pain)

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EXAMPLE CONVERSATIONS

Roadblocks To Reflective Listening

JOHNNY: "Tommy won't play with me today. He won't ever do what I want to do." MOTHER: "Well, why don't you offer to do what he wants to do? You've got to learn to get along with your little friends." (advising, moralizing) JOHNNY: "I don't like to do things he wants to do and besides I don't want to get along with that dope." MOTHER: "Well, go find someone else to play with, then, if you're going to be a spoilsport." (offering a solution, name calling) JOHNNY: "HE's the spoilsport, not me. And there isn't anyone else to play with." MOTHER: "You're just upset because you're tired. You'll feel better tomorrow." (interpreting, reassuring) JOHNNY: "I'm not tired, and I won't feel different tomorrow. You just don't understand how much I hate the little squirt." MOTHER: "Now stop talking like that! If I ever hear you talk about one of your friends like that again, you'll be sorry..." (ordering, threatening) JOHNNY: (walking away and sulking): "I hate this neighborhood. I wish we would move."

Reflective Listening

JOHNNY: "Tommy won't play with me today. He won't ever do what I want to do." MOTHER: "You're kinda angry with Tommy." JOHNNY: "I sure am. I never want to play with him again. I don't want him for a friend." MOTHER: "You're so angry you feel like never seeing him again." JOHNNY: "That's right. But if I don't have him for a friend, I won't have anyone to play with then." MOTHER: "You would hate to be left with no one." JOHNNY: "Yeah. I guess I just have to get along with him someway. But it's so hard for me to stop getting mad at him." MOTHER: "You want to get along better but it's hard for you to keep from getting mad with Tommy." JOHNNY: "I never used to--but that's when he was always willing to do what I wanted to do. He won't let me boss him anymore." MOTHER: "Tommy's not so easy to influence now." JOHNNY: "He sure isn't. He's not such a baby now. He's more fun though." MOTHER: "You really like him better this way." JOHNNY: "Yeah. But it's hard to stop bossing him--I'm so used to it. Maybe we wouldn't fight so much if I let him have his way once in a while. Think that would work?" MOTHER: "You're thinking that if you might give in occasionally, it might help." JOHNNY: "Yeah, maybe it would. I'll try it."

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ANGER Anger. The very word makes us pause. Yet to be human is to know anger. Anger helps us to defend our rights and protects our freedoms as individuals and as a society. For all the positive aspects of anger, though, we know only too well the destructive forms it can also take: physical and emotional violence, depression, even illness. Louisa Rogers As a mentor, you may have to deal with anger from a Little or help a Little to deal with his/her own anger issues. You can help your Little to know how to express their anger, as well as, receive anger from others. Receiving Anger -Understand how anger threatens you. -It threatens your security -You feel physical fear -You feel not liked, hurt -It's natural to feel afraid of anger, but that doesn't mean you have to act on the fear. You can feel the fear and choose how to respond. -Resistance makes it stronger. Choose not to give anger back. Forms of resistance are -- apologizing, placating, cowering, defending (appearance of guilt). -Listen to hear if it's blame or straight anger. Say, "I'm really afraid of your anger, but I'll hear you out". -Anger for some people fills an unsatisfied need that has arisen out of how that person has been treated. -When you are receiving destructive anger, it's hard to understand and keep in mind that the other person is suffering. -Some anger is projection. Steps To the Appropriate Expression of Anger 1. Recognize it. What are the physical signs that tell you that you are angry? 2. Accept it. Anger is a normal feeling everyone feels. What have you been taught about anger? 3. Express it. Expressing anger appropriately lessens it. Don't let it build up. 4. Own it. Say "I feel angry..." instead of "Why do you make me so mad!" Confront the person you are angry with in a non-threatening way. 5. Say what you want. Just saying you are angry is not enough. Follow it with "...and I want you to call me if you are going to be late" (for example).

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7. Set goals for yourself to express anger. It takes deep involvement and commitment in a relationship to express angry feelings. It's hard. 8. Keep a journal. Write about times you felt angry to see how often you expressed it and to whom and how. Also, see what usually makes you angry. Appropriate Ways To Express Anger • Rip up old newspapers or magazines and throw them about. • Punch a bean bag chair or pillow. • Go outside and throw a basketball against a wall. • Say, "I'm going to yell for X number of minutes". Make angry noises but

eliminate words that might hurt others. • Count to 10 loudly and in any angry voice. • Do an angry dance. • Throw snowballs at a tree. • Take a shower or a hot bath to calm down. • Pound on a mattress. • Blow into a paper bag and then pop the bag. • Pull weeds furiously and say "I'm so mad" with each pull. • Throw rocks into a river or pond. Yell a karate yell as you throw. • Tell someone you're angry and talk about it. • Run up and down the stairs to your house, stomping on each step. • Wad up dirty laundry and throw it toward the hamper as hard as you can.

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BAD LISTENERS Children will not always come out with what is on their mind. If they have a problem they need to talk about they will often "test the water" to see what kind of a listener you are. There are several types of listeners you will want to avoid becoming...

PROBLEM- "My sister is the biggest jerk, she never lets me wear any of her clothes or use her make-up. She is very selfish and I wish she were dead. Gosh, I hate it there!"

Advice Alison: "If I were you I would go out and buy all new stuff. Then when she asks if she can use it say 'no'." She is always quick with a "what you should do" statement. Alison is very well meaning but she is often one of those people you don't go to tell a problem to because she will give you more advice than you can handle. Children find this very frustrating and confusing.

Judgmental Jerry: "She sounds like a real jerk, all right. She is mean isn't she? Real mean, and ugly, too." No matter what you tell Jerry he labels it good , bad or otherwise. He is very judgmental of others and especially himself. Jerry doesn't like himself so he is hard to be around. Children avoid him like the plague.

Solve-It Sam: "Just quit wearing make-up!" He is very well meaning and someone you may approach when feeling "stumped" on an issue. He usually has a quick fix for all your problems. Sam doesn't like to see you hurt or confused so he fixes it up quick. Children will come to him with only minor problems.

Interpret Ingrid: "How far apart are you and your sister? Is she older or younger than you? Do you both compete for mom's attention?" She and Dr. Freud were closely related. Ingrid interprets all you tell her as some deep seeded desire or conflict you may not even be aware of. Children will not talk to her because she is always missing the point.

Minimizing Mary: "Don't think about it and you'll feel better real soon. Smile." She wants everyone to be happy so she tells all her kids, and others too, that their feelings are not real important and if you just ignore them they will go away.

Collecting Carl: "Do you ever ask real nicely if you can use her things or do you just go in her room and take them? Doesn't she ever let you use anything she has? Would you let her use your things?" He is an investigator by heart and loves to ask as many questions as he can. He has a very natural curiosity and plays 20 questions with everyone he meets. Children avoid him with problems because he talks more than he listens.

Why Willie: "Well, why would you say something like that?" He is always wanting to know why people do all the things they do and doesn't hesitate to ask. Children feel defensive when talking to him.

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ENCOURAGEMENT

One of the most important skills for improving relationships is encouragement. Encouragement is the process of focusing on assets and strengths of the other person, which in turn helps them to build their self confidence and self esteem. Encouragers help others to: believe in themselves and their abilities; accept and learn from their mistakes; develop the courage to be imperfect. Encouragement differs from praise in that it does not place our own personal value judgment on the actions, assets and strengths of that other person---rather it focuses on the other person's thoughts and feelings about what it is they are doing, thinking, feeling, whereas praise is a reward. Probably one of the most valuable things about using encouraging language is that it can be used in ALL situations regardless of what the other person's values are about their own feelings, actions, or performance. Being an encouraging person means that we accept the fact that every person is doing the very best they know how at this point in time with what they have got. Encouragers do not fall into our society's well-established habit of FINDING FAULT; instead they focus on contributions, assets and strengths. Encouragers promote cooperation as opposed to competition. Persons who encourage promote the other person's living up to their own personal standards, not the standards of the person doing the encouraging. Encouraging persons accept others AS THEY ARE and not only for what they could be. They focus on efforts and improvements as well as accomplishments. Encouragement has a special language that does not place value and judgments on what another person has done. The following are some examples: Ways of demonstrating acceptance: "I like the way you handled that." "I like how you tackle a problem." "You seem to enjoy learning." "I'm glad you're pleased with the results." "As you're not satisfied with the results, what do you think you can do so you'll be more pleased about it?" "It sounds like you enjoyed that."

"How do you feel about it?"

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Ways that show confidence: "Knowing you, I'm sure you'll do fine." "You'll make it." "I have confidence in your judgment." "That's a tough situation and I'm sure you'll work it out." "I'm sure you'll figure it out."

Ways to focus on contributions, assets and appreciations: "Thanks, that helped a lot." "I appreciate your thoughtfulness." "I need your help on ..." "I really appreciated your willingness to risk talking with me about..." "You really seem skilled at..... How can you make that work for you?" In closing: The most powerful forces in human relationships are expectations. We can influence a person's behavior by changing/modifying our expectations of the person. Instead of laying our expectations on that other person we can best help them help themselves by developing in ourselves the language of encouragement.

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POINTS TO REMEMBER

1. Encouragement is the process of focusing on your children’s assets and strengths in order to build their self confidence and feelings of worth.

2. Focus on what is good about the child or the situation. See the positive.

3. Accept your children as they are. Don’t make your love and acceptance dependent on their behavior. 4. Have faith in your children so they can come to believe in themselves. 5. Let your children know their worth. Recognize improvement and effort, not just accomplishment. 6. Respect your Little. It may lay the foundations of their self respect. 7. Praise is reserved for things well done. It implies a spirit of competition. Encouragement is given for effort or improvement. It implies a spirit of cooperation. 8. The most powerful forces in human relationships are expectations. We can influence a person’s behavior by changing our expectations of the person. 9. Lack of faith in children helps them to anticipate failure. 10. Standards that are too high invite failure and discouragement. 11. Avoid subtle encouragement of competition between brothers, sisters, and peers. 12. Avoid using discouraging words and actions. 13. Avoid tacking qualifiers to your words of encouragement. Don’t “Give with one hand and take away with the other.” 14. The sounds of encouragement are words that build feelings of adequacy: “I like the way you handled that.” “I know you can handle it.” “I appreciate what you did.” “It looks as if you worked very hard on that.” “You’re improving.”

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SELF ESTEEM

Research on children and adolescents has shown us that self esteem is the key to productive and successful development. What is self esteem? How can an adult make a difference in a child's experience to foster and enhance self esteem? For the Big Brothers Big Sisters volunteer it is especially important to understand and be sensitive to the concept of self esteem. First, we will look at what self esteem is and why this concept is so important in working with children and adolescents. Then we will explore positive ways of fostering self esteem and the pitfalls to avoid. A Big has the chance to provide opportunities for their Little to develop a positive self-image and enhance their sense of well-being.

Self esteem is defined as self respect, the belief in oneself. It is how a person feels about him/herself. It is the feeling of self-worth, "I am somebody." It is one's assessment of the extent to which one is lovable and capable. In other words, do we like ourselves and who we are?

As children grow and mature physically, they also grow and mature emotionally. Their feelings about themselves encompass both the physical and emotional as they develop their self-concept. This development is dependent upon the quality of relationships established between parents and children, and in other relationships with significant adults. For children to develop a positive and strong self-image, they must be thoroughly convinced that they are lovable, that they matter and have value because they exist, and that they are worthwhile, that they can handle themselves and the environment with competence. A word of caution: there is a difference between being loved and feeling loved. Adults need to assess what message they convey to children. Meeting a child's needs of feeling love is essential for their emotional well-being.

What creates a sense of self esteem? Money, education, social class, parents' occupation, geography are not responsible for high self esteem. What is crucial is the quality of relationships that exist between children and those who play a significant role in their life. The psychological climate a parent, teacher, Big or grandparent creates for the child will determine the development of a healthy and positive self image.

This climate is established by the verbal and nonverbal messages we send to those around us. Nonverbal messages include our facial expressions, our use of touch, the focus of our attention while we speak. Nonverbal messages should be consistent with verbal messages. If they are inconsistent, such as frowning or scowling while we are speaking words of love, endearment or praise, mistrust and confusion are likely to be the child's response. Verbal messages from adults carry tremendous weight with children. The adult is their point of reference in the world, where they test out their assumptions about themselves. As children are developing their self image, they look to the judgment of others.

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To promote a sense of belonging, be there when your Little is going through hard times with social relationships. Don’t try to solve the problems, but give en-couragement and help the Little to think of creative solutions. Teach the value of fam-ily background. Help the Little to understand the impact their behavior has on others. Suggest a variety of group activities in which they can take part and support their as-sertiveness with peers. Important, here also, is your commitment to the Little and the modeling you can do as a friend.

To promote a sense of competency teach your Little a skill. Give them opportunities to do it themselves. Make sure the standards for accomplishment are age appropriate. Give your Little opportunities to explore and try out new experiences. Let them make their own decisions and show them that they have many possible choices.

To promote a sense of worth teach your Little to be self-affirming. Model this in your own comments about yourself. Respect their feelings and use reflective listening skills. Respect their opinions. Give positive feedback on all their accomplishments, particularly for simple day to day tasks. Help them to explore all their talents and interests and encourage them to develop their physical and intellectual skills.

To promote a healthy sense of body image, communicate a healthy and balanced view of your own body image. Be aware that body esteem and body image can have different ramifications for different cultural, racial and ethnic groups. The media sets up unattainable standards, especially for girls. Encourage your Little to seek out rewarding avenues which can strengthen their self esteem other than overemphasizing physical attractiveness and sports ability.

Some other steps in helping children build a strong sense of self are emphasizing the positive things life offers, acknowledging day to day accomplishments, and offering sincere praise for work done. Telling the child what you like about them and their behavior is also important. Do not be afraid of their getting a "big head". Children need this honest information. Bigs have many opportunities to work with their Littles in ways that can enhance their feelings of self worth. By offering friendship, by providing positive reinforcement, by listening and by showing trust, you can help your Little gain confidence and self worth.

Good communication skills can facilitate this process. Active listening, "I" messages and appropriate verbal responses are skills which enhance self esteem.

Pitfalls to be avoided in fostering a strong self image are negative messages such as "You'll never make it." and "That was a dumb thing to do." If when counseling a child regarding inappropriate behavior, you attack the child or define the child as incapable, the message is destructive to their self esteem. Think about how you would like to be treated in the situation. Afford the child the same respect you would want afforded to you.

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Children who are firmly convinced that they are no good, let in only those reflections and ideas that confirm their negative image of themselves. Negative messages continue to reinforce that image. Self esteem is not forged for all time, although once established it is not easily disturbed. A child’s view of themselves ordinarily changes as they grow and have new experiences. If the new experiences are positive and significant adults sincerely acknowledge them, children gain confidence, and feel competent. Along with feeling lovable and worthwhile, confidence and competence are the ingredients for a child's strong and positive self esteem.

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16 WAYS TO INCREASE SELF ESTEEM

1. Reward your Little. Give praise, recognition, a special privilege or increased responsibility for a job well done. Emphasize the good things they do, not the bad.

2. Take their ideas, emotions and feelings seriously. Don't belittle them by saying "You'll grow out of it" or "It's not as bad as you think."

3. Define limits and rules clearly, and enforce them. But do allow leeway for your Lit-tle within these limits.

4. Be a good role model. Let your Little know that you feel good about yourself. Also

let them see that you too can make mistakes and can learn from them.

5. Teach your Little how to deal with time and money. Help them spend time wisely and budget their money carefully.

6. Have reasonable expectations for your Little. Help them set reachable goals. Then

help your Little reach these goals by taking small steps at a time. This will help them feel successful.

7. Help your Little learn to deal with failure as a part of life. Show your Little it provides an opportunity to learn about one's self.

8. Help your Little develop tolerance toward those with different values, backgrounds and norms. Point out other people's strengths.

9. Give your Little responsibility. They will feel useful and valued.

10. Show them that what they do is important to you. Talk with them about their activities and interests. Go to their games, parent's day at school, drama presentations, award ceremonies, etc.

11. Be available. Give support when your Little needs it.

12. Express your values, but go beyond "do this" or "I want you to do that". Describe the experiences that determined your values, the decisions you made to accept certain beliefs, the reasons behind your feelings.

13. Spend time together. Share favorite activities.

14. Discuss problems without placing blame or commenting on a Little's character. If your Little knows that there is a problem but doesn't feel attacked, she is more likely to help look for a solution.

15. Use phrases that build self-esteem, such as "Thank you for helping" or "That was an excellent idea!". Avoid phrases that hurt self esteem: "Why are you so stupid?" or "How many times have I told you?”

16. Show how much you care about them. Hug them. Tell them they are terrific and that you like them.

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STEPS TO BUILDING SELF ESTEEM

1. Check your own feelings of self worth. Experience has shown that adults must feel secure and good about themselves before it is possible to help children reach this same goal. Adults with high self-esteem are most successful in creating an atmosphere where communication techniques and family routines help children to feel loved and important for their own special talents and qualities. 2. Give the child some undivided attention. Taking time to focus full and undivided attention on your child is a quality that conveys love by saying: "I care," "I have time for you." It means being with your child both physically and mentally. It means taking some time to be completely absorbed with your child. Be assured that constant, intense involvement is neither necessary nor realistic. The important thing is to let your child know that he/she can count on some of this kind of attention at regular intervals. It may be necessary during especially busy periods to set up a definite time for these get-togethers. Special times of stress occur during family moves, when a new baby arrives or upon entering school and often require additional periods of full involvement with a child. 3. Look at your child as an unique person. Every effort must be made to view, respond to and value each child on the basis of his own personal criteria...not in comparison to brothers, sisters or classmates. When a child feels that he is accepted and valued for the unique qualities which he possesses his sense of well being grows. Problems in this area frequently arise because parents...often unconsciously...fall into the trap of viewing a child in terms of their own traits, needs, talents and shortcomings. As a result, the focus is often on what a child does not have rather than on his countless assets. 4. Be positive and honest with your child. Whenever possible comment honestly and positively about what your child has done. Remember to tell him when he as done a good job. If you feel that you can't comment honestly perhaps you can encourage with a general statement such as: "You've worked hard today. I appreciate it!" Keep in mind too that positive responses are conveyed not only by words, but by actions as well. The value of a warm smile or a pat on the back should not be discounted. 5. Avoid being a judge. How we respond to our child and their behavior and how we express our feelings about them are critical factors in building up or tearing down his self image. Parents who learn to react to a situation without being judgmental in the process encourage positive self esteem. Stop for a moment and consider how you normally respond to your child's behavior. If your statements frequently begin with "you" it is likely that they include both a reaction to his/her behavior plus a judgment of them. If they begin with "I" you most likely are directing your response to his/her behavior only. Put yourself in your child's shoes! How would you feel after hearing each of these statements?

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Situation #1: Your child's school evaluation indicates achievement below your expectations. � "you" judgment: "You're not working hard enough. You're lazy". � "I" reaction: "I'm worried about your grades." Situation #2: A car almost hits your child in the street. � "you" judgment: "You almost got hit! Don't you know any better than to play in the streets." � "I" reaction: "I'm so frustrated I can't stand it! I've repeatedly told you about the

danger of playing in the street. I'm scared you will be hurt." Situation #3: Your child wins an art contest. � "you" judgment: "You're such a good boy." � "I" reaction: "I'm so proud of the drawings you entered in the contest because

they show how carefully you have been observing nature." 6. Encourage independence. Children build self confidence when they are permitted to participate in or make choices and decisions. Special care should be taken, to provide choices and opportunities for decisions which are appropriate for the children involved. For example, allowing a young child to determine his own bedtime may not be in his best interest because he has little concept of his physical needs. On the other hand, asking him to make choices about the clothing he wears for play may be quite realistic. 7. Be realistic in your expectations. When expectations for a child are based on their age, particular personality, and the current circumstances in which he/she is operating, he can more easily experience success and enjoy a feeling of accomplishment. Repeated successes make a child feel more valuable and consequently build his/her self esteem.

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6-7 YEAR OLDS

General Characteristics • Eager to learn, easily fatigued, short periods of interest. • Learn best when they are active while learning. • Self-assertive, boastful, less cooperative, more competitive.

Physical Characteristics • Are very active and need frequent breaks from tasks. They like to do things that

are fun and involve use of energy. • Need rest periods • Large muscles are well developed. Activities involving small muscles are difficult. • May tend to be accident prone.

Social Characteristics • Like organized games and are very concerned about following rules. • Can be very competitive. May cheat at games. • Are very imaginative and involved in fantasy playing. • Are self-assertive, aggressive, want to be first, less cooperative than at five, and

boastful.

Emotional Characteristics • Are alert to feelings of others, but are unaware of how their own actions affect oth-

ers. • Are very sensitive to praise and recognition. Feelings are easily hurt. • Inconsistent in level of maturity evidenced; regress when tired, often less mature

at home than with outsiders.

Mental Characteristics • Are very eager to learn. • Like to talk. • Their idea of fairness becomes a big issue. • Have difficulty making decisions.

Developmental Tasks • Sex role identification. • Early moral development. • Concrete operations—the child begins to experience the predictability of physical

events.

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8-10 YEAR OLDS

General Characteristics • Interested in people, aware of differences, willing to give more to others but ex-

pects more. • Busy, active, full of enthusiasm, may try too much, accident prone, interest in

money and its value. • Sensitive to criticism, recognize failure, capacity for self-evaluation. • Capable of prolonged interest, may make plans on own. • Decisive, dependable, reasonable, strong sense of right and wrong. • Spend a great deal of time in talk and discussion, often outspoken and critical of

adults although still dependent on adult approval.

Physical Characteristics • Are very active and need frequent breaks from tasks to do things that are fun for

them and involve use of energy. • Bone growth is not yet complete. • Early maturers may be upset with their size. • May tend to be accident prone.

Social Characteristics • Can be very competitive. • Are choosy about their friends. • Being accepted by friends becomes quite important. • Team games become popular. • Worshipping heroes, TV stars, and sports figures is common.

Emotional Characteristics • Are very sensitive to praise and recognition. Feelings are hurt easily. • Because friends are so important during this time, there can be conflicts between

adults’ rules and friend’s rules. You can help by your honesty and consistency.

Mental Characteristics • Their idea of fairness becomes a big issue. • Are eager to answer questions. • Are very curious, and are collectors of everything. However, they may jump to

other objects of interest after a short time. • Want more independence, but know they need guidance and support. • Wide discrepancies in reading ability.

Developmental Tasks • Social cooperation. • Self-evaluation/Skill learning • Team play.

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11-13 YEAR OLDS

General Characteristics • Testing limits, “know-it-all attitude.” • Vulnerable, emotionally insecure, fear of rejection, mood swings. • Identification with admired adult. • Bodies are going through physical changes that affect personal appearance.

Physical Characteristics • Small-muscle coordination is good, and interests in art, crafts, models and music

are popular. • Bone growth is not yet complete. • Early maturers may be upset with their size. • Are very concerned with their appearance, and very self-conscious about

growth. • Diet and sleep habits can be bad, which may result in low energy levels. • Girls may begin menstruation.

Social Characteristics • Being accepted by friends becomes quite important. • Cliques start to develop outside of school. • Team games become popular. • Crushes on members of the opposite sex are common. • Friends set the general rule of behavior. • Feel a real need to conform. They dress and behave alike in order to “belong.” • Are very concerned about what others say and think of them. • Have a tendency to manipulate others (“Mary’s mother says she can go. Why

can’t I?)”. • Interested in earning own money.

Emotional Characteristics • Are very sensitive to praise and recognition. Feelings are hurt easily. • Because friends are so important during this time, there can be conflicts between

adults’ rules and friends’ rules. • Are caught between being a child and being an adult. • Loud behavior hides their lack of self-confidence. • Look at the world more objectively, adults subjectively, critical.

Mental Characteristics • Tend to be perfectionists. If they try to attempt too much, they may feel frus-

trated and guilty. • Want more independence, but know they need guidance and support. • Attention span can be lengthy.

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14-16 YEAR OLDS

General Characteristics • Testing limits, “know-it-all attitude.” • Vulnerable, emotionally insecure, fear of rejection, mood swings. • Identification with admired adult. • Bodies are going through physical changes that affect personal appearance.

Physical Characteristics • Are very concerned with their appearance and very self-conscious about growth. • Diet and sleep habits can be bad, which may result in low energy levels. • Rapid weight gain at beginning of adolescence. Enormous appetite.

Social Characteristics • Friends set the general rules of behavior. • Feel a real need to conform. They dress and behave alike in order to “belong.” • Are very concerned about what others say and think of them. • Have a tendency to manipulate others (Mary’s mother says she can go. Why

can’t I?). • Going to extremes, emotional instability with “know-it-all” attitudes. • Fear of ridicule and of being unpopular. • Strong identification with an admired adult. • Girls usually more interested in boys than girls, resulting from earlier maturing of

the girls.

Emotional Characteristics • Are very sensitive to praise and recognition. Feelings are easily hurt. • Are caught between being a child and being an adult. • Loud behavior hides their lack of self-confidence. • Look at the world more objectively, adults subjectively, critical.

Mental Characteristics • Can better understand moral principles. • Attention span can be lengthy.

Developmental Tasks • Physical maturation. • Formal operations. • Membership in the peer group. • Relating to the opposite sex.

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BOUNDARIES AND CONSEQUENCES You may need to set boundaries with your Little during your time together. Remember, physical punishment is never appropriate. The following guidelines may help. 1. Understand the child's goals, behavior and emotions. Are they seeking attention,

power, revenge or seeking to withdraw? 2. Be both firm and kind. Your tone of voice indicates your desire to be kind, while your follow through with appropriate action indicates your firmness. 3. Don't try to be a "good" parental figure. Don't overprotect and take responsibilities

which are logically the child's. 4. Be consistent. Let your Little know what to expect so that decisions can be made by

your Little accordingly. 5. Separate the deed from the doer. Your tone of voice and nonverbal behavior must

indicate that you respect the child even when his or her behavior is not acceptable. 6. Encourage independence. Avoid doing for the child what he or she can do for themselves. 7. Avoid pity. Pity tells the child that he or she is somehow defective or can't handle problems. Overprotection handicaps children. 8. Recognize who owns the problem. Don't assume ownership of problems with are actually the child's. 9. Talk less, act more. 10. Refuse to fight or give in. Set limits and allow the child to decide how to respond to

them. Be willing to accept his or her decision. When applying consequences… 1. Provide choices. The tone of voice should reflect an attitude of respect, acceptance, and good will. ex. “You need to be dressed and ready to go at 6 p.m. when I arrive to pick you up for our activity. If you are not, I will assume you have decided not to go tonight. We'll try again next week, then.” 2. As you follow through with a consequence, give assurance that there will be an opportunity to change the decision later. 3. If the misbehavior is repeated, extend the time that must elapse before the child may try again. ex. “You have decided that we should leave the movie theatre and go home early tonight. We can try a movie again in a couple weeks.”

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DISCIPLINE (if necessary) Big Brothers Big Sisters’ policy on disciplining Littles includes no physical discipline. We suggest using one of the alternatives listed below: 1. Logical consequences: This allows you to explain to a child the expected behavior and the consequences if not followed. This enables the child to be accountable for his/her actions. It is important to be matter of fact and non-punishing. KEY REMINDER: -Try to separate the deed from the doer. -View misbehavior objectively rather than personally. -Think of this as a learning experience. EXAMPLES: Bad behavior Logical consequences 1. Refusal to eat supper 1. no dessert or to try something new. 2. Child asks you to buy 2. say no and if they keep asking him something. they will be taken home. 2. Time Out: This gives the child time out from reinforcement, rewards and attention. This works most effectively with kids ages 2-12. Choose a particular place for the time out. Explain time out to the child before using it for the first time. KEY REMINDERS: -Use a portable timer to keep track of time. This way the child can leave time out at the right time and doesn't need to ask you when he is finished. Place the timer out of the child's reach but in hearing range. -Give one minute for each year of child's age. -Use time out immediately after behavior occurs (exception - for bad behavior in store you can delay and give the time out as soon as you get home). -Use time out after each incident of bad behavior. -Put child in dull and boring place for time out - no TV, toys or people. (For example, a dining room chair) -Ask child to clarify reason for time out. Don't scold, ask the child to say "I'm sorry" or ask to promise to be good.

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EXAMPLES:

Misbehaviors that deserve time out -hitting -back talk -threatening by word or gesture to hit or hurt others -swearing -purposefully damaging items in your home -name calling or "making faces" -persistently interrupting adult conversation after a warning -disobeying a "command" to immediately stop a particular behavior 3. If these do not work and/or you have reached your frustration level, take your Little home and call your Case Manager. They can function as a useful resource and mediator.

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SAMPLE MATCH SCENARIOS

1. You and your Little Brother are shopping at the mall and he asks you to buy some thing for him. It is important that your match be based on friendship, not money or material possessions. Set financial boundaries and stick to them. There is noth-ing wrong with the occasional treat or gift on a special occasion, but buying things for your Little should not be a regular practice. In this scenario, you may want to help your Little think of ways to earn what he wants rather than relying on you to it for him.

2. Your Little Sister wants to see an R-rated movie and she tells you that her mother lets her watch this type of movie all of the time. While there is no policy against taking your Little to an R-rated movie, it is important to remember that the adult content of R-rated movies is inappropriate for most of the children in our program. In this scenario, first consider if you are comfortable going to this movie. If not, say so. If you wouldn’t mind seeing the movie, consider if you know enough about the content, if it is ap-propriate for the age and maturity level of your Little, and if it really is OK with the Little’s parent before buying the movie tickets.

3. Your Little Brother tells you that he has a secret. He will tell you only if you promise not to tell anyone else. A Big Brothers or Big Sister cannot promise to keep all secrets. Some secrets may be harmless, such as information about a gift or a sur-prise for someone. However, if your Little tells you that he is being harmed in some way, or someone he knows is being harmed, you will have to tell the Little’s parent and/or Case Manager. In this scenario, it is best to tell your Little that he can tell anything, but some things are serious enough that you may need to ask for help on how to handle it, so you cannot always promise that you won’t tell anyone else.

4. You do something really special for your Little Sister, but she does not thank you. In fact, she seldom says “thank you” and neither does her parent.

It can be frustrating when your Little doesn’t thank you, but there are many factors to con- sider. Has this been role modeled for your Little? Is your Little too embarrassed to thank you? Is your Little shy and uncomfortable verbalizing her feelings? It is fine to remind your Little when to say “thank you”, but try to not take it personally if it takes some time for your Little to make it a habit. If you watch closely, chances are that your Little is showing appreciation through behavior more than through words.

5. You find that you are always the one planning outings. Your Little Brother is very complacent and never makes any suggestions.

This is an example of how a friendship with a child can be different from a friendship with an adult. With your adult friends, it is likely that you take turns suggesting activities to do when you are together. That is not always the case with a child and there can be several reasons. Perhaps your Little doesn’t know what his options are, maybe he hasn’t been exposed to enough different things to know everything he likes or doesn’t like, or maybe he isn’t sure if you are really interested in the things he wants to do. A good strategy is to keep asking for his input, but don’t get frustrated if he doesn’t have anything to offer. Pay attention when you are at your Little’s home and your can pick up some clues on his inter- ests, even if he can’t tell you.

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6. You arrive to pick up your Little Sister for an outing and discover that nobody is home.

This is not a frequent scenario in our program, but it is important to know what you would do if it happens to you. If your Little’s parent has a cell phone, make sure that you have that phone number. If you aren’t able to reach your Little or the parent, leave a note on the door or a phone message saying that you were there. At your first opportunity, speak to the parent about the incident. Perhaps it was a simple misunderstanding. Remember that it is generally best to make sure the parent knows about your scheduled outings by making a quick confirmation phone call or email. With younger children, schedule the outings directly with the parent to avoid any misunderstandings. If this does become a regular occurrence, contact your Case Manager and ask for assistance in approaching the parent. 7. After several outings, you notice that your Little Brother has a problem with

body odor and cleanliness. As difficult as it can be to discuss this topic, ignoring it is probably the worst thing you can do because if YOU notice it, chances are your Little’s friends notice it, too. Depending on your Little’s age, you could talk to either your Little or your Little’s parent. If you talk to the Little’s parent, an offer to help will probably be received better than a simple statement about the child’s hygiene. If you are talking to the Little, approach the topic from an educa- tional standpoint. Maybe your Little isn’t aware of the changes in his body as he gets older and he hasn’t developed a daily hygiene routine yet. For younger children, there are sev- eral good books on the importance of cleanliness.

8. You frequently find yourself talking to your Little Sister’s mother about her personal problems such as her divorce, her job, or financial situation. You feel that you need to help because if you don’t, nobody else will.

It is natural for you to feel the urge to help your Little’s parent. Sometimes you can do that just by spending a minute listening and sympathizing. However, it is important to keep boundaries with the Little’s parent and not losi sight of who you are matched to. Taking on too many of the families problems can quickly lead to burn-out and then you might not be able to help your Little at all. If you are concerned about your Little’s parent, encourage the parent to seek appropriate assistance from her support system or from professionals who are better equipped to advise her.

9. Your Little Brother’s mother has said she will give him money to spend on outings, but you often find that you have to pay for everything.

It is always best to determine at the beginning of the match if the Little’s parent will pay for your Little’s events and activities. This can help avoid awkward moments later in the match. It is the expectation of the program that the Little pays his own way, but that is not always possible. If your Little cannot pay, then you may have to pay for both of you. If your Little’s mother has agreed to give your Little money but hasn’t been doing so, it is fine to ask if there has been a change in your agreement. Remember that it is not neces- sary to do costly activities on your match outings. Contact your Case Manager if you need some ideas for low-cost or free activities.

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STRATEGIES FOR COMMON PROBLEMS

Over the years we have seen some common problems that can occur in any match. These are called common because they are, well…...common. It’s nor-mal for Little/Big relationships to experience some of these situations.

We’ve collected some examples of these common problems and included them for you in the next few pages, including some tips on how to handle them. After your match gets going, if you are experiencing one of these challenges, you can bring the issue up with your Case Manager and discuss in more detail how to proceed in a successful way.

“What do I do?”

“My Little doesn’t show appreciation.” • Coming into the match with a preconceived notion of how your Little should

show appreciation will set you up for a letdown. Your Little may not say “please” and “thank you” when you first start meeting, and even after many times together he/she may still not respond in a way that you deem appropri-ate.

• “I had a good time” may eventually be a response, but may be a long time in coming. Sometimes he/she might only say, “It was okay.” Be sure you model the behavior you would like your Little to demonstrate, and be consis-tent.

“My Little doesn’t share feelings and/or initiate conversation.” • You may feel that your Little is not putting as much into the relationship as

you would like. The relationship may seem one-sided for a long time with you doing the talking, but your Little not saying much.

• Eventually your Little may well respond in a more open and honest way, trusting you and confiding in you as an adult who will not disappoint or walk out on him/her. Conversation between you will grow and your Little may share more feelings with you. If this happens, rejoice in it, but remember that no relationship is perfect and all relationships are defined in a variety of ways.

“My Little never calls me.” • Littles love to receive phone calls, but seldom feel comfortable initiating

them. Asking your Little to share with you the good feeling that comes from getting a phone call may help him/her to understand that adults also like to receive calls from people they like. Giving your Little definite times to call may help, as can enlisting the parent’s help in encouraging your Little to call.

• It is important not to stop calling with hopes that they will start calling you. It is important to be patient, and be sure to reinforce the behavior with positive remarks when they do call.

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“My Little doesn’t act the right way.” • Your Little may come from a family with a very different value system than yours. It

is not your responsibility or role to try to change the values of your Little. Your match is a learning experience for both of you. If your Little has never been to a play, they may not know what behavior is expected of them.

• Try to be content with the understanding that, through your example, your Little may come to respect values that are more positive. But this may be a long proc-ess.

My Little doesn’t seem to need me.” • Every child should have someone to bring a little magic to them, but your Little may

not respond in a way that makes you feel you are needed. Feeling needed may be expressed by your Little in small ways, and may be non-verbal.

• In time, you may learn to recognize small signs that your Little needs you. This will help you in being content with the knowledge that you are making a difference and are a much-needed part of your Little’s life.

“My Little doesn’t make time for me.” • Your Little may seem to have little time for you, but be assured that although other

activities and family issues may appear to interfere, your Little is benefiting from the interest and involvement of a caring adult friend. You are the person spending one-on-one time with your Little; listening; sharing, and showing your desire to be to-gether on a regular basis.

• No group activity, school event or family commitment can take the place of your special relationship with your Little. If you recognize the importance of what you are doing, chances will increase that your Little will recognize this too.

“My Little doesn’t seem interested.” • Keep in mind that we all demonstrate interest in different ways, and your Little may

not know how to communicate that he/she is interested. • Be sure you do not make assumptions based on your Little’s behavior, and talk to

your Case Manager if you have questions. “My Little doesn’t want to improve.” • Your Little may have many adults eager to tell what she/he is doing wrong. • What your Little will respond to is someone who will point out and praise strengths.

These strengths (assets) can range from the values that the child holds to things he/she is good at doing. If your Little knows that you are going to be positive, give encouragement and compliments, and appreciate the unique person that he/she is, change will happen in very positive ways, and your Little will grow in confidence, competence and caring.

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The most important thing to remember is that you will need to be patient and persistent throughout your relationship! Your relationship may take time to de-velop, but if you are able to manage your expectations, be open to surprises, and accepting of your Little as an individual, you are in for a fantastic ride! Your Case Manager is available to help you through any of the above situations. Re-member to seek help as necessary.

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MEMORANDUM

TO: My Volunteer FROM: Your Little RE: My Real Needs 1. Don't spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask for - I'm only testing you. 2. Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it. It makes me feel secure. 3. Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages. 4. Don't make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly "big". 5. Don't correct me in front of people if you can help it. I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private. 6. Don't make me feel that my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values. 7. Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes. 8. Don't be too upset when I say "I hate you". It isn't you I hate, but your power to thwart me. 9. Don't nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf. 10. Don't take too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need. 11. Don't make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken. 12. Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. That is why I'm not always accurate. 13. Don't tax my honesty too much. I am easily frightened into telling lies. 14. Don't be too inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you. 15. Don't put me off when I ask a question. If you do, you will find that I stop talking and seek my information elsewhere. 16. Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand. 17. Don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither. 18. Don't ever think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm toward you. 19. Don't ever forget I love experimenting. I couldn't get on without it, so please put up with it. 20. Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be very difficult for you to keep pace with me, please try. 21. Don't forget that I can't thrive without lots of understanding love...but I don't need you .....do I?

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Let’s Talk About ADHD and Other Disorders

Some of the children participating in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program have been diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). The more information you have, the better your relationship will be. If you are to be matched with a child with ADHD you will be informed prior to the match. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a neurological disorder. It is characterized by attention skills that are developmentally inappropriate. In some cases, there is impul-sivity and/or hyperactivity in the individual who is diagnosed. For quite some time, hyperactivity was considered to be the most prominent character-istic of ADHD. We now know that there are different types of ADHD. Some people with ADHD are exceptionally hyperactive and impulsive, others are notably inattentive, and others have a combination of all three. Approximately one third of the children diagnosed are predominately the inattentive type and do not show signs of impulsivity or hyperactivity. The other two thirds are the hyperactive-impulsive type and the combined type. Very often the expressed concerns by parents is in respect to their child’s performance in school. Here are some of the typical symptoms of ADHD: • Fails to finish what is started • Has a hard time paying attention • Fidgets • Talks excessively and out of turn • Can’t seem to stay organized • Can’t sit still, is restless or hyperactive • Impulsive or acts without thinking • Often acts before thinking • Daydreams excessively Some of the concerns expressed within the home for children who are primarily hyper-active include: • Hyperactivity • Difficulty complying with parental instructions • The child frustrates quickly • The child frequently interrupts conversation • Tendency to get into sibling conflices Due to these children’s low frustration tolerance, impulsive response style, and rather demanding attitude, there may be problems with peers who consider them bossy and quick to temper.

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The children with primarily inattentive type seem to concern their parents not so much by what they do as by what they don’t do. Parent may struggle with: • Unfinished chores • Forgotten assignments • Slow tempo • Chronic disorganization These children are often described as passive and shy in relationships and may re-quire a steady supply of encouragement to make friends. These disorders are more common in boys than girls, and are among the most adult seek mental health services for children.

In order for an individual to be diagnosed with ADHD, the symptoms must have pre-sented themselves before the child is 7 years old. The symptoms must be present in two or more settings (i.e. school, home, or work). There must be evidence or impair-ment in social, academic, or occupational functioning. And these symptoms must not be the result of another psychiatric disorder.

Many children are treated for this disorder with medication and counseling. The medi-cation is suspected to have an effect on the body’s neurotransmitter chemicals which enable the child to better focus attention, control impulsiveness, regulate motor activity, improve visual motor coordination, and in general exhibit more goal oriented behavior.

There are no easy answers or quick fix methods that are consistently effective in man-aging the behaviors of these children, but having an extra person to spend time with may help keep these children on the right track.

While some people do outgrow ADHD by their early 20’s. many experience mild to strong symptoms throughout adulthood.

About a quarter of children with ADHD also experience Oppositional Defiat Disorder. Other disorders children with ADHD are at higher risk for include learning disabilities, depression, anxiety and, later in life, substance abuse.

Treatment Effective treatments for ADHD include medication and behavior modification. Though there is no “cure” for ADHD, treatment can reduce symptoms. Treatments for ADHD work only as long as they are used. While it is nice to think that children with ADHD could be taught to cope, enabling medication and behavior modification to be discon-tinued, the reality is that this is often not possible. There are several excellent books for parents on ADHD, for example Take Charge of ADHD (Barkley). An excellent book for parents on the use of medication in the treatment of children’s mental health problems is Straight Talk about Psychiatric Medication for Children (Wilens).

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Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) Symptoms • A pattern of disobedient, hostile and defiant behavior. • Problem lasts at least 6 months. • Causes significant problems in social, academic or work functioning. • Begins after age 5 ODD almost rarely goes away on its’ own, and can grow increasingly problematic if it continues. This pattern is most often present only in the home, but can come to be present in the school setting as well. The risk when it enters the school setting is not only for disciplinary problems, but also in terms of incomplete work, low grades and seeking companionship with troubled teens who will accept such conduct. The par-ents of the most aggressive children, and are troubled themselves, may need to focus only on reducing aggression, rather than on increasing cooperation. Treatment Behavior modification is the only treatment with demonstrated effectiveness in treating ODD. Barkley’s book Your Defiant Child is a good resource for parents on the behav-ioral treatment of ODD. However, there are a variety of interventions which can help highly and chronically irritable children for whom behavior modification is not optimally effective. Depression Symptoms Depression symptoms can include: • Sad and/or irritable mood • Unrealistic Guilt • Social withdrawal • Hopelessness/Pessimism • Self-criticism • Sleep difficulties • Fatigue and physical inactivity • Significant weight gain or loss • Increased or decreased appetite • Difficulty with concentration • Thoughts of death or suicide

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In children, the following also suggests a need to have a child assessed for depres-sion: • Complaints of headaches or stomachaches and visits to the doctor during which

the doctor find nothing wrong. • Frequent worry. • Uncharacteristically frequent or intense misbehavior • Lower grades in school Depression is only diagnosed when a number of symptoms are present for a sufficient length of time. Treatment Both psychotherapy and medication are effective treatments for depression. While no one form of counseling is proven more effective than others, three common methods include addressing family problems or losses that caused the child depression, getting the child more physically and socially active, and cognitive therapy. Depression is a curable problem. Once a person has a strong depressive episode, however, they may be at increased risk for another episode of depression. Parent Depression (and other mental health problems) Impact on Children Children of parents experiencing depression, or other mental disorders, are at high risk for developing a range of mental health problems. Children and teens with a de-pressed parent are at increased risk for depression, anxiety disorder, behavior prob-lems and poor relationships with others. In adolescence, these children are also at increased risk for alcohol/drug dependence and antisocial behavior. Protective Factors Most mental health problems are treatable. Parents should be referred for the treat-ment of their own mental health problems. Educating parents and their children about depression helps parents feel less like failures and children from concluding that they are responsible for the parent’s symptoms. Ensuring that the child has contact with peers and non-depressed adults is also a protective measure.

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Asperger’s Disorder and High Functioning Autism Symptoms Difficulties relating to others (at least two of the following): • Impaired ability to use and recognize nonverbal communication, such as making

eye contact and using gestures in the course of relating/communicating with others. • Failure to develop age-appropriate friendships. • Lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests or achievements with

other people, for example showing or bringing. • Lack of emotional and social reciprocity. Examples include monopolizing conversa-

tions and an inability to take others feelings and views into account when interact-ing.

Narrow, repetitive behaviors and interests (at least one of the following): • All-encompassing preoccupation with an interest, often fantasy characters or nu-

merical information. • Rigid adherence to specific routines and rituals. Upset and aggression may occur if

one interferes with the performance of these routines. • Repetitive, unusual movements like hand flapping. • Persistent preoccupation with parts of objects. Lack of appreciation for the use of

the object as a whole. For example, a child may become preoccupied by spinning a wheel on a toy truck, but fail to play “truck” with the toy.

The above symptoms cause significant impairment in a major life area. Treatment Medication is used for symptoms that often co-occur with Asperger’s Disorder, includ-ing ADHD and Anxiety disorders. Psychotherapy is used to teach social problem solving, anger control and to treat anxi-ety and depression when these are present. Behavior modification is used to increase the child’s efforts to exert self-control.

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WORKING WITH THE CHILD WHO HAS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES

Kids are kids! All kids, with or without mental health issues, thrive with warmth, con-sistency and a basic level of structure. Each child is a unique individual, with the influ-ence any mental health issue only being one factor in how the child expresses him/herself and relates to others. In many instances, parents, and sometimes teachers, are most likely to see the child’s mental health symptoms; the volunteer may not see the symptoms, or see them to a lesser degree for a variety of reasons. However, going into the match with a game plan about creating the most “use friendly” environment and addressing symptoms of they should arise is a good idea. Relationships that are most user friendly for children with mental health issues generally share a few main characteristics. Here are some messages about these characteristics for volunteers (Bigs). Consistency: In general, children with mental health issues are sensitive to change, inconsistency and the perception that others have broken promises. For this reason paying extra attention to the child’s need to meet and talk by phone on a regular schedule (day/time) and being aware of activities in advance can help. Being on time and taking care to clear future plans with the parent, to avoid your Little becoming dis-appointed, may be extra important. Act, Don’t Yack: Most times when an adult tells a child something a few times, the child will learn from it and change his/her attitude, feelings or behavior. However, mental health problems often interfere with a child’s ability to change behavior or atti-tudes simply by being told to, or hearing explanations about why it is important to do so. Without knowledge of this fact, one is more likely to become frustrated by the child continuing an attitude or behavior even though he or she “knows better” or has been talked to repeatedly about an issue. Kids with mental health issues learn best by adult action. If following rules and basic instructions is a concern, telling your Little in advance what you will do, depending on whether a rule is followed, will help him/her not even test the limit. Of course, follow-ing through with praise or calm, firm limits as is called for will give the child reason to trust that you mean what you say will result in the best cooperation. If low self-esteem is an issue for your Little, demonstrating good self-esteem yourself (facing challenges and speaking optimistically) will be worth a thousand, “You are not dumb!” of You can too do it!” reminders. Be a Friend, Not a Counselor: Mental health issues may often reduce the amount of pleasure and relaxation your Little experiences. Sometimes friendships don’t come easy to these kids. Your friendship, warmth, having fun and just being yourself is ex-actly what your Little needs from you!

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If You Need Information, Ask: If you run into the same problems repeatedly, ask your Little’s parents what works best for her/him. Your case manager can also be of assistance. Children do well if they can. Many times others assume that children who act badly are doing so for attention or to get their way. However, no person who had a complete choice would repeatedly act in ways that result in punishment, sadness and rejection. This attitude holds that the child is accountable, but is not to blame. Many times children who struggle lack skills to do well, rather than simply not having the motivation to do well. If a child can’t do well, it is the adult’s responsibility to figure out why and what will help. Accurate diagnosis and treatment of mental health problems is an impor-tant first step in this philosophy. However, anything that burdens a child can cause emotional and behavioral conditions to worsen. Reducing such burdens is often a helpful approach with the hardest to help children. Some burdens known to worsen mental health status include: • Untreated or inadequately treated mental health problems. • Learning, speech and language problems. • Over sensitivity to sound, textures, temperature or touch. • Family problems • Hunger or tiredness. Anything one can do to solve, or accommodate for these issues will help. What you call behavior decides how you respond to it. If the child is a ?brat” you punish. If the child lacks skills you accommodate the child’s needs until a time when he/she acquires the skills. Self-esteem comes from the ability to face risk and discomfort in dealing a problem or challenge. People who face problems despite discomfort act strong and feel good about themselves, though at the time of facing the challenge may feel un-comfortable. People who avoid facing problems due to discomfort act weak and feel badly about themselves, though in the short run they are emotionally relieved. It is not possible to give children self-esteem strictly by praise; each person must earn self-esteem him or herself. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.”

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HELPING YOUR LITTLE WITH SCHOOL PERFORMANCE

The lack of self esteem, as well as social, verbal, and academic skills contribute to the frustration and poor adjustment many children have in school life. Often children do not learn in school because they think they have no reason to do so, and many times they perceive some reason for not achieving. Many youth tend to be action-oriented and restless and the mere physical restraint necessary to read provides sufficient frustration for them to avoid the situation. Our present educational system is often inappropriate for students from lower-socio-economic classes and for adolescents who are unlikely to progress to college level. From the moment these children enter public schools, they are culturally disadvantaged and likely to experience failure. Volunteers often have the opportunity to encourage learning by offering to help the child with her studies or simply by involving the child in learning experiences that hold significance and value to her. Academic Activities • Work on flash cards together. • Help your Little to tell time. • Teach your Little how to keep a bowling score. • Read a story together, out loud. • Buy a book on a subject that interests your Little. • Visit the library and get your Little a card. • Play games such as: Tic-Tac-Toe, Bingo, Junior Scrabble, Hang-Man, etc. • Show genuine interest in your Little's school experience. • Inquire about when report cards come out and encourage your Little's good performance. • Work on joint projects or experiments. • Discuss concerns or areas of need, as well as ideas to help your Little, with

the child's parent, your Case Manager and Teacher when possible.

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HELPING YOUR LITTLE IMPROVE SOCIAL SKILLS

Social skills can help to ensure smoother relations between the youth and peers, teacher, neighbors and parents. Many children are ostracized or unaccepted by friends or adults because of poor manners or behavior. Many youth lack the knowledge or the insight to correct or adapt their special skills. A volunteer may find this to be a special goal. Remember that as your relationship with your Little progresses, your behavior may serve as a model for the skills involved in developing a social relationship. Social Skills Activities • Talk about the friends you each have, what your best friend is like, and what it

means to be a friend. • Have several talks with each other about being honest and responsible to

each other. • Take a care package to your Little when she is sick. • Observe your Little when she interacts with family members or friends. Help

her/him to work through special problems he/she feels when with them. • Role play different situations with your Little, such as her encounter with a

teacher. Help him/her to understand a teacher's reaction and feelings, as well as her own.

• Try to involve your Little in different kinds of social activities. Introduce your

Little to pets and help to teach love and consideration. Maybe good feelings generated in this manner can be transferred to others.

• Take your Little to visit her relatives or your family. • Discuss the importance of a smile, "Thank you" and "Please". • Help your Little to meet and interact with new people, like your friends. • Write your Little a letter or send a post card when you have to be away for a

while.

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HELPING YOUR LITTLE WITH HYGIENE In most match relationships, hygiene is not an issue. In other matches, it can become "the" issue. Most of us realize the importance of hygiene in terms of self-esteem, relationships with others and physical well-being. But remember, not everyone holds the same values. A volunteer's expectations are born out of a haze of filters from his/her own past experiences, personal needs and cultural values. The following list is made up of ideas which may help your Little improve her hygiene. Just remember to look at your own experiences objectively and be creative. Helping with Hygiene • Keep a spare set of clothing and toothbrush at your home. • Praise and encourage your Little when you notice effort to improve hygiene.

Tell her how nice she looks. • Send small care packages of personal items such as: combs, brushes,

shampoo, soap, toothpaste, underclothes, etc. • Do laundry together. • If possible, treat your Little to a Beauty Salon or Barber Shop visit. • "Play" beauty shop at home, include hair, nails, facials, and make-up as age appropriate. • Talk openly with your Little about hygiene. • Listen and allow your Little to discuss his/her concerns regarding maturation. • Model the behaviors you would like to see.

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SUGGESTED LEARNING EXPERIENCES/ACTIVITIES The following seven live skill areas focus on the various ways a Big can enhance the life of a Little. They also serve as a resource guide for developing goals between the matches. These are suggested learning experiences. We do not expect our volunteers to pursue any area in which they are not comfortable. I. Physical Skills Help your Little identify a game, sport, or athletic skill in which he can develop basic skill levels. 1. swimming, canoeing, water-skiing 2. hiking, fishing, camping, study nature 3. walking, jogging, biking, horseback riding 4. ping pong, pool, table games, cards 5. tennis, racquetball, volleyball 6. skating, skiing, hockey 7. flying a kite, throwing a frisbee 8. twirling a baton, learning a cheer leading routine 9. making puppets, doing a skit 10. drawing faces on balloons, painting rocks 11. baseball, football, soccer, basketball, bowling, golf, etc. 12. teach good sportsmanship 13. teach water safety 14. teach use and proper care of equipment 15. help your Little learn the rules of the road and encourage safe driving habits 16. teach simple first aid skills 17. bicycle safety II. Social Skills Social skills can help to insure smoother relations between your Little and his peers, teachers, parents, and other adults. 1. Talk about the friends you each have - what your best friend is like; what it means to be a friend. 2. Observe your Little as he interacts with family members, friends, etc. Help him work through problems and concerns. 3. Role play different situations with your Little, such as an encounter with a teacher. Help him understand a teacher's reaction and feelings, as well as his own. 4. Try to involve your Little in different kinds of social functions, etc. (i.e. picnics, parties, fairs, BBBS events.) 5. Introduce Little to animals/pets, help to teach caring for and respect of nature. 6. Get involved in a community project together, volunteering to help (i.e. food shelf, cleanup project, visiting shut-ins, nursing home, etc.).

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7. Keep a journal/diary of your relationship. Share entries you both have made on an occasional basis. 8. Put together a scrap book - include momentos from your outings and write what activity took place. 9. Write your Little a letter or post card when you have to be away for a while. 10. Instruct your Little on telephone etiquette and use (emergency phone

numbers). 11. Reinforce good personal hygiene. 12. Discuss the importance of a smile, "Please", "Thank you". 13. Encourage Little to get involved in groups (i.e. school, scouts, recreation, junior achievement, youth group at church, etc.). III. Cultural Experiences Any experience which serves to broaden your Little's view of his world. 1. Taking your Little to see a play, concert, parade, fair, festivals, museum, historical places, magic show, fashion show, airport, sporting event, zoo, etc. 2. Field trips: police and fire department, where you work, etc. 3. Introduce your Little to new foods and tastes -- make a special meal, favorite recipe, try different ethnic foods, eat at a nice restaurant. 4. Teach him to read a recipe, use measuring utensils, read a thermometer. 5. Teach him a favorite song, a short poem, bedtime prayer, card game, etc. 6. Learn about your Little's customs and traditions and join in, if invited. 7. Make bird feeders, bird houses, etc. (i.e. string cheerios and hang on a tree, or attach a pine cone covered with peanut butter or bird seed on a tree). 8. Work on artistic skills, puzzles, collages, crafts, games, etc. IV. Environmental Experiences Focus on the Little's everyday interactions and experiences with his family, peer group, school and community. As a volunteer, try to put yourself into the shoes of your Little and walk through a day in his world. 1. Get to know the Little's family, especially his parent(s). Try to develop a relationship of trust with them being responsible, prompt, and earnest. 2. Be sure to acknowledge other family members with a greeting. They might want your recognition, too. 3. Try to understand the things that your Little likes and dislikes about his family, brothers and sisters, the method of discipline used, eating meals as a family, coming home from school when his parent is working, his chores, his room and house, having to babysit younger siblings, bedtimes, birth rank (oldest/youngest), etc. 4. Help Little take advantage of any neighborhood or community resources: visit local recreation center and find out what programs and sports are available, check to see if there is a local scout troop he might join. If possible, take your Little the first few times. He may need your support and encouragement.

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5. Offer to help your Little make something special for their room (i.e., wall hanging, framed picture, book shelves, wood project, arts and crafts, models, etc.) 6. Help Little find an appropriate job after school if he would like to work. V. Academic Skills Encourage learning by offering to help your Little with his studies, school projects or simply by involving your Little in learning experiences of interest. 1. Work on flash cards together. 2. Read a story together, out loud. 3. Play tic-tac-toe, bingo, junior scrabble, hangman, etc. 4. Help your Little learn to tell time.

5. Help your Little learn to say the months of the year. 6. Experiment with a magnifying glass or magnets. 7. Help Little get a library card; visit local library and check out books of interest. 8. Teach your Little how to use a calculator, microscope, camera. 9. Teach your Little how to keep score when bowling, playing golf, tennis, etc. 10. Teach your Little how to use a computer or share computer knowledge. 11. Help your Little plan which high school subjects to take. 12. Visit open house; vo-tech, colleges, institutes. Find out what the requirements are, review application procedure, costs, grants, scholarships available. VI. Work Working alongside a Big can help a Little appreciate what work really means in one's everyday life. Your example can stress the importance of developing good work habits and the satisfaction one derives from a job well done. 1. Teach your Little how to wash clothes, iron, mend clothing, clean the house. 2. Go grocery shopping together. Point out nutritional foods. 3. Plant a vegetable or flower garden. 4. Teach basic car maintenance (i.e.wash and wax car, change oil, change a tire). 5. Teach bike maintenance - lubrication, how to fix a flat tire. 6. Teach yard maintenance - cutting grass, raking, seeding, fertilizing. 7. Teach simple home maintenance - painting, caulking, etc. 8. Clean his yard or room together. 9. Help your Little obtain his social security card. 10. Teach your Little how to complete a job application and role play interview situation and what is important when presenting yourself for a job. 11. Help your Little check for jobs in the neighborhood, newspaper, local church, etc. 12. Take your Little to the bank and help him open a savings account and start a budget.

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13. Teach your Little about responsible uses of energy. 14. Plan a neighborhood cleanup activity. VII. Hobbies Help provide some opportunities to experiment with different crafts and hobbies. Your Little may find an activity that he enjoys and wishes to pursue. 1. Look through craft magazines together and talk about what you like and dislike. 2. Make a visit to a craft show - keep in mind that many festivals are in the spring and summer. 3. Buy a simple book of crafts and select some simple and inexpensive ones to experiment with. 4. Attend a "free" beginner's macrame class together (check out other free classes offered). 5. Teach your Little how to sew. 6. Put together model kits. 7. Start a collection of: insects, jokes, leaves, stamps, bottle caps, coins, rocks, arrow heads, buttons, baseball cards, autographs, posters, etc. 8. Teach your Little any special skill that you might have: needle work, knitting, growing plants, fishing, archery, hunting, carpentry, playing a musical instrument, photography, electronics, audio recording, etc.

9. Encourage, help and support your Little with his hobbies or crafts, but don't offer to do for him or redo what he has already done, regardless of how it might look to you. It doesn't have to be perfect for the Little to feel good about his achievement.

Have Fun.Have Fun.Have Fun.Have Fun. Make a Difference. Make a Friend.

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AREA ACTIVITIES This list is designed to suggest inexpensive, fun, unique, and/or creative activities in and outside your immediate area. The last few pages contain a list of events or festivals that occur in a specific month. You can add events that are no included, or if you have other suggestions, please contact the office so we can add them to our list. I. AMUSEMENT AREAS 1. Ideal Beach 4. Action Park Paintball, Mish. 7. Splash Down Dunes 2. Camp Bellowood 5. Indiana Beach, Monticello 8. Six Flags 3. Mega Play, Mish. 6. Adventureland, N. Webster 9. Cedar Point 10. Kings Island II. BOWLING 1. Astrobowl-23821 U.S. 33 E., Elkhart 875-6220 2. Country Club Lanes-1910 Cassopolis St. Elkhart 264-3885 3. Oakland Lanes-2727 Oakland Ave. Elkhart 293-1632 4. O C Bowling Lanes-1416 US 33, Osceola 674-8550 5. Rainbow Lanes-2401 Middelbury St. Elkhart 293-1846 6. Maple City Bowl –1300 West Pike St. Goshen 533-8564 7. Gold Crown Lanes-1057 E. Market St. Nappanee 773-2145 8. Strike & Spares Entertainment, 5419 Grape Rd. Mishawaka 574-243-2695 9. Signature Lanes-1180 Fremont Ct. Elkhart 296-1111 III. CAMPING 1. Eby Pines Inc - 14583 St Rd. 120, Bristol, 848-4543 2. Elkhart Campground - 25608 CR 4, Elkhart, 264-2914 3. Blue Stone Ridge—55721 Decatur Rd., Cassopolis MI 269-445-0998 4. KOA campground - 50707 Princess Way, Granger 277-1335 5. Nub Lake Campground—1701 Pucker St. Dr., Niles MI 269-687-9681 6. Willow Shores—14025 US 12, Union MI 269-641-5429 7. Middlebury KOA - 52867 St Rd 14, Middlebury 825-5932 8. Land of Lakes Campground—93283 CR 690, Dowagiac MI 269-424-5070 9. Yogi Bear's Jellystone Park, Angola 10. Yogi Bear's Jellystone Park - US 30W, Plymouth 936-7581 11. Pla-Mor Campground—2162 US 6, Bremen IN 546-3665 12. Twin Mills, US 20, Howe 13. Gordon's Campgrounds - Route 3, Wolcottville 351-3383 IV. CANOEING 1. Bristol Canoe and Kayak 402 SR 15, Bristol 848-4465 2. Fluid Fun Canoe & Kayak Sales - 609 N. Division, Bristol 848-4279 3. Trading Post Canoes Rental, Mongo, 219-367-2493 4. Goshen Parks Department 607 W. Plymouth, Goshen, 534-2901

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V. MINATURE GOLF. 1. Flagstix 2311 Toledo Rd. Elkhart 295-5092 2. Nick's Golf Center, US 20 West, Elkhart 296-2881 3. Princess Way 50827 Princess Way, Granger 277-0483 4. Das Dutchman Essenhaus 240 US 20, Middlebury 825-9471 5. Parmore, New Paris, 831-4434 6. Mega Play, Town and Country, Mishawaka, 254-0100 7. Pinewood Chase, 2120 College Ave., Goshen 537-0545 VI. HISTORIC HOME/SITES 1. Amish Acres 1600 W. Market St., Nappanee 773-4188 2. Bonneyville Mill CR 131,(off St. Rd. 120 east of Bristol) 3. St. John's of the Cross Episcopal Church (1851) 601 E. Vistula, Bristol 848-7114 4. Varns & Hoover Hardware (100 yrs. old) Middlebury 5. Beiger Mansion 317 Lincolnway Mishawaka 256-0365 6. Pierre Navarre Cabin (1820) Leeper Park call 284-9401for tour information. 7. Tippecanoe Place (1889) Restaurant 620 W. Washington, South Bend, 234-9077 8. 100 Center 1853 Brewery US 33W. Mishawaka 9. Menno-Hof 510 IN 5, Shipshewana 768-4117 10. Borkholder Dutch Village 71945 C.R. 101, Nappanee (north of US 6) 773-2828. 11. Old Bag Factory 1100 Chigago Ave, Goshen 534-2502. 12. Old Wakarusa Railroad IN 19 at Maplewood Dr., Wakarusa 862-2136. VII. MUSEUMS/GALLERIES 1. Elkhart County Historical Museum 304 W Vistula, Bristol, 848-4322. FREE 2. Midwest Museum of American Art 429 S. Main Elkhart, 293-6660 $2.00 -Adults $1.00 -Kids (closed Monday's). 3. National New York Central Railroad Museum, 721 S. Main Elkhart, 294-3001 4. Ruthmere Museum 302 E. Beardsley Elkhart 264-0330 5. Woodlawn Nature Center 604 Woodlawn Ave, Elkhart, 264-0525 ST. JOSEPH COUNTY 6. South Bend Regional Museum of Art, Century Center South Bend, 235-9102. Has 2 galleries; Warner & Women's League Gallery- Donations requested. Art Market Sales & Rental Gallery- free 7. Hannah Lindahls Childrens Museum 258-3056

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8. Northern Indiana Historical Society 808 W. Washington, South Bend, 235-9664. Has 2 galleries. The Leighton Gallery, The Copshaholm House Museum $5.00 - adults, 2.50 -kids 9. Old Court House Museum 112 S. Lafayette Blvd, South Bend, 235-9664 10. Studebaker Auto Museum 520 S. Lafayette Blvd., South Bend, 235-9108. $3.50 -Adults, $1.50 -kids 12 and under. 11. Snite Museum of Art Notre Dame Campus 631-5466 Free 12. Japanese Garden - Shiojiri Niwa 1000 E. Mishawaka Ave., Mishawaka 768-4117 VIII. LIBRARIES 1. Bristol Library 505 W. Vistula, Bristol 848-7458 2. Elkhart Library 300 S. 2nd, Elkhart 522-2665 Dunlap Branch 58485 CR 13 875-3100 Osolo Branch 3429 E. Bristol 264-7234 Pierre Moran Branch 2400 Benham Ave. 294-6418 Cleveland Branch 53715 CR 1, Elkhart 266-2030 3. Wakarusa Library 124 N. Elkhart, Wakarusa 862-2465 4. Goshen Library 601 S. 5th Goshen 533-9531 5. Middlebury Library 101 E. Winslow 825-5601 6. Napanee Library 157 N. Main 773-7919 7. New Paris Library (in Elementary School) 831-2197 8. Syracuse Library 118 E. Main St. Syracuse 457-3022 9. Milford Library 658-4312 10. Notre Dame College Library 11. Dial A Story 825-2700 WATCH YOUR PUBLIC LIBRARY FOR FILMS, MOVIES AND OTHER ACTIVITIES TO DO WITH YOUR LITTLE... IX. THEATERS 1. Encore Theaters, Cassopolis St. Elkhart, 875-8120 2. Linway Plaza Cinema, 514 W. Lincoln Ave., Goshen 534-8728 3. Nappanee Theater 254 N. Main Nappanee 773-2695 4. Cinemark Movies 14, 910 W. Ediosn Rd., Mishawaka, 254,-9685 5. University Park Cinema, South Bend, 277-733 6. Amish Acres, 1600 W. Market, Nappanee 773-4188 7. Bristol Opera House, St. Rd. 120, Bristol 848-4116 8. Enchanted Hills Play House, Syracuse, 856-2328 9. Goshen Civic Theater, Goshen Middle School 10. Morris Civic Auditorium, 211 N. Michigan South Bend, 232-6954 11. Nappanee Civic Theater, Park Pavillion 12. Wagon Wheel Playhouse, Warsaw, 267-8041

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X. RACES 1. New Paris Speedway, New Paris, Saturdays only 2. South Bend Speedway Hwy 2, Western Ave, South Bend, Fridays only 3. Mottville Speedway US 12, East of Mottville Fridays and Saturdays 4. Osceola Drag Strip, Ash Road Osceola & Indiana Ave, Sundays only 5. Nappanee Race Way (Harness racing) US 6, Nappanee, Friday & Saturday XI. SPECIALITY RESTAURANTS - FUN FOR YOUTH 1. Chuck E. Cheese 2. Hana Yori Japanese Restaurant (food is cooked in front of you! FUN!) Grape Road, Mishawaka 3. Alley Oops 1950's Diner, 54595 CR 17, Elkhart 293-3000 XII. ROLLER SKATING 1. (Eby Pines) Family Fun St Rd 120, Bristol 848-4520 2. Holiday Roller Rink, 28736 CR 20, Elkhart, 293-4931, Admission is $3.00 to $4.00, Skate Rental $1.00. Call for holiday specials, like Friday the13th! XIII. ICE SKATING 1. Shanklin Park, Goshen 2. High Dive Park Elkhart 3. Howard Park, Mishawaka 4. McNaughton Park Elkhart 5. Merrifield Park, Mishawaka 6. Studebaker Park, Elkhart 7. Echo Valley Kalamazoo, Nice Rink and Warming house, also have tobogganing. 8. Abshire Park, SR 4, Goshen, 534-2901 9. Ice Box, 1421 S. Walnut, South Bend 288-3300 XIV. SKIING 1. Bendix Woods Down Hill and Cross Country, New Carlisle, 654-8170 2. Bonneyville County Park Cross Country & sledding, Bristol, 535-6458 3. Ox Bow County Park, cross country and sledding, Elkhart, 535-6458 4. Swiss Valley, just off state road 40, Jones Michigan, (616) 244-5635 5. Abshire Park, SR 4, Goshen, 534-2901 XVI. HORSEBACK RIDING/RODEOS 1. Overholt Farms has Indoor Rodeos Saturdays, 7:00 p.m., October through April. Admission: $5 adults, $3 children. 264-9173

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XVII. SPORTING EVENTS COLLEGE & PROFESSIONAL 1. Chicago Bulls, United Center Bears Soldier Field, Chicago Cubs Wrigley Field, Chicago Sox Comisky Park Stadium, Chicago Black Hawks, United Center Sting 2. Detroit Pistons, The Palace, Auburn Hills Lions, Silversome, Pontiac Tigers, Tiger Stadium 3. South Bend Silver Hawks, Coveleski Stadium South Bend, 284-9988 4. Fort Wayne Comets, Hockey 5. Indiana Pacers Basketball Indianapolis Colts Football 6. Notre Dame sporting events 239-7354 (Free tickets are available at Teachers Credit Union and McDonalds) 7. Western Michigan sporting events Kalamazoo, MI 8. Other local colleges - Bethel, Goshen, IUSB XVIII. SWIMMING 1. Central High School pool, Elkhart 295-PARK (Begins in November, $2.00 per person, only open Sunday from 1-5pm.) 2. Memorial High School Pool, Elkhart, 295-PARK (Begins in November, open Sunday from 1-5, $2.00 per person. 3. Goshen High School Pool, Goshen. 533-8651. (Starts in November, Sunday only, and its FREE!) 4. Goshen Middle School (Goshen Parks Dept.). Open Sundays during winter 5. Pierre Moran Pool, Elkhart, Outdoor. 6. Shanklin Park Pool, Goshen, Outdoor. 7. Stauffer Park Pool, Nappanee, Outdoor. 8. YMCA Elkhart, Indoor. XIX. TOURS 1. Amish Acres 1600 W. Market St., Napanee 773-4188. 2. Fire Departments, call ahead they may be out. 3. Elkart Truth will come to you with their "Newspaper & Ed" program. Call Kelly at 294-1661. 4. McDonalds Restuarants 5. Middlebury Diary, Middlebury 825-2565 (ask for Vic) 6. Police Stations, call ahead they may be held up! Ha 7. Robert Young Railroad Yards. 8. WSJV TV Elkhart, 293-8616 9. WFRN Radio, 875-5166

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10. Michiana Regional Airport, South Bend. XXI. SPECIALTY CAMPS 1. Bible Memory Ministries - Lon Erb, 109 W. Madison, Goshen 533-5388 2. Hayo-Went-Ha Camps - 919 NE Torch Lake Dr., Central Lake, MI (616) 544-5915. 3. Life Station (horses & activities) - 55255 Bittersweet Rd., Mishawaka 258-6018 4. Loveway (therapeutic horseback riding) - 54151 CR 33, 825-5666. 5. Michiana Baptist Camp - Don Chesher, 110 N. Brown, Middlebury 825-9315. XXII. SPORTS CENTERS 1. Elkhart Sports Center-1162 Fremont Ct., Elkhart 294-5050 XXIII. OTHER IDEAS -Watch the "Bulletin Board" and the entertainment section in the Elkhhart Truth and other papers for events taking place. -Call the JACC ticket office to find out what is happening. -Watch your NEWSLETTERS carefully. We try to list local activities taking place that Bigs and Littles might enjoy. -Take a class together - ceramics, karate,fitness, photography. Watch for classes at the YMCA, the Career Center, the Parks Dept., and at local schools. -Get your Little involved in a club - 4-H, Awana, Bluebirds, Campfire, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, etc. -Check out garage sales, craft & arts shows, car displays, antique, coin & stamp shows at the malls. -Spend time at the library. -Work on craft projects together - baking, cooking, crochet, candles, woodworking, models, clay, paint. -Go to the parks. Fly a kite, pack a picnic, sled. Times and specifics may change. Call ahead to be sure.

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FESTIVALS AND EVENTS JANUARY Bendix Woods Winter Festival Syracuse Winter Festival FEBRUARY MARCH Maple Sugar Time Festival, Porter Sugar Camp Days, New Carlisle Carnival for the Arts, South Bend (Sometimes in April) 284-9160 APRIL Maple Syrup Festival, Wakarusa Elkhart History Days (Pierre Moran Mall) Elkhart Ethnic Fair, Goshen College Redbud Trail Rendezvous, Rochester MAY Memorial Day Parades The Great Race CROP Friendship Auction - Goshen Fairgrounds Cinco De Mayo - Goshen Shipshewana MayFest, Shipshewana Kites and Canines Festival, Valparaiso JUNE Rhapsody in Green Festival of the Wild Rose Moon (Bonneyville Park) Granger Days Jazz Festival Leeper Park Art Festival, South Bend, 233-6502 Mermaid Festival, North Webster Potato Creek Festival, North Liberty Firefly Festival, St. Patrick's Park, South Bend, 277-8142 (June, July) Silver Lake Days Festival, Silver Lake Wakarusa Bluegrass Festival, Wakarusa JULY Bristol Homecoming Goshen Air Show Sidewalk Days, Goshen 4-H Elkhart County Fair Flotilla, Syracuse Bremen Fireman’s Festival

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AUGUST Amish Acres Arts & Crafts Festival Main Street Show Case of Art, Elkhart Millersburg Farmers Days Middlebury Summerfest Blue Grass Festival, Osceola Lakefront Art Festival, Michigan City MDC Goldenrod Auction, Junction CR 16 & CR 43, Middlebury Blueberry Festival, Plymouth (Aug. 28-Sept. 1) SEPTEMBER Nappanee Apple Festival, 773-7812 Bonneyville Mill Celebration, 535-6458 Bike Fest, Goshen Michiana Mennonite Relief Sale, Goshen, 800-860-5957 Fallfest, Angola, 260-665-6348 Middlebury Fall Festival OCTOBER LaGrange Corn School, 260-463-3740 Pumpkin Fantasyland,(Fashion Farm) Ligonier, 260-894-4498 Amish Country Harvest Grounds, Middlebury, 825-7288 Wakarusa Harvest Festival Haunted Farm, Nappanee, 800-860-5957 Haunted House, Niles Apple Festival of Kendallville, 260-347-4035 The Enchanted Forest, (Merry Lea Environ. Learning Center), Wolf Lake, 260-799-5869 NOVEMBER Renaissance Faire, Goshen, 800-860-5957 Country Christmas, Elkhart/LaGrange, 800-860-5957 Winter Lights Festival, Valparaiso Festival of Trees, Winona Lake, 574-268-9888 DECEMBER Winterfest, Elkhart Christmas at Ruthmere, Elkhart, 860-5957 The Village of Winona Holiday Festival, Winona Lake, 574-268-9888

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MERCHANT DISCOUNT LIST The following merchants have agreed in writing to provide Big Brothers Big Sisters with said discount. These merchants were more than happy to support you as the Big Brother Big Sister volunteer carrying out a valuable service in our community. Rules Governing the Use of These Discounts Are As Follows: (1) Make sure you are at the establishment offering the discount, not "the one across town"; (2) Discounts apply only when purchase is for the Little or both of you if so stated; (3) You must show your membership card at the time of purchase; and (4) Please be patient and gracious with store employees who may just now be learning about the merchant discounts. BOWLING ESTABLISHMENTS Rainbow Lanes 2401 Middlebury St., Elkhart free shoes to Big & Little Astrobowl 23821 U.S. 33, Elkhart $2/game and free shoes to Big & Little Maple City Bowl 1300 W. Pike, Goshen free shoes to Big & Little King Pin Nappanee, IN shoe discount to any Little Oakland Lanes 2727 Oakland Ave., Elkhart free shoes & 15 cents off game Parmore Mini Golf New Paris, IN buy one/get one free SKATING Eby's Pines Inc. 14583 St. Rd. 120, Bristol $1 adm. for Little at Public Skate Holiday Skate Ctr. 28736 C.R. 20, Elkhart Sat. & Sun. 1-4 pm, $1.50/skater (including skate rental) FOOD ESTABLISHMENTS KFC 921 W. Pike, Goshen full price for Bigs, free for Littles Hardees Nappanee St., Elkhart 10% discount for entire order Dairy Queen 202 W. Jackson, Elkhart Buy one/get one free--any item (one item per visit) Dairy Queen Pike St., Goshen 20% discount off any purchase Lucchese's Deli 205 E. Jackson, Elkhart full price for Big, free for Littles at same price item Lakeshore Grill 51330 State Road 19, Elkhart 50% off total bill THEATRE Nappanee Theatre 154 N. Main, Nappanee 50% off reg. adm. MARTIAL ARTS Taekwondo Academy 916 N. Michigan, Elkhart full price for Big, 50% discount for Little SPORTING EVENTS South Bend Silverhawks Coveleski Stadium full price adm. for Big, free for 501 West, South Bend Little (home games only)

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AGE

6-7 8-10 11-13 14-16

Bake and frost cut out cookies

Start a scrapbook with a page for pictures of fa-vorite things

Watch a TV program and identify negative stereotypes

Figure out how to pro-gram your VCR/DVR

Fly a kite on a windy day Go on a camera scaven-ger hunt to find odd ob-jects to photograph

Look up your state on the internet: major in-dustry? Biggest cities?

Research what hap-pened on the day and year each of you was born

Go on a walk and collect interesting rocks, leaves or other items

Make greeting, get well, or holiday cards to give to special people

Build and paint a bird house—watch for occu-pants

Check out the classified ads and discuss what each job required in terms of education and experience.

Feed the ducks at the park

Make a bug cage and catch lightening bugs together

Rent rollerblades and learn to skate, safely

Visit a fish market, meat market or other place where food is not pre-packaged.

Make a present for someone special

Visit the zoo at feeding time

Make a list of people you admire—look them up on the internet

Go out for dinner at an ethnic restaurant; who else it eating there? Favorite dishes?

Play UNO, Crazy 8’s, Old Maid

Read a selected book out loud and tape record it

Take a long ride on pub-lic transportation to the end of the line

Explore a new radio sta-tion together; discuss ads and target audience

Play badminton or cro-quet

Play miniature golf or go bowling

Visit the SPCA and offer to walk the dogs

Plan, shop for ingredi-ents and cook dinner

Go for a walk and find interesting places to practice “balancing”

Play Monopoly, Life, Sorry, Hangman

Mow the lawn or wash the car together

Go to a concert featuring a favorite performer

Have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich picnic

Go on a field trip to the museum—focus on one exhibit and discuss it

Play computer and video games together

Try mastering something difficult: juggling, cook-ing a soufflé’, water color painting

Visit a pet store and de-cide which is the oddest pet

Call ahead and visit the local fire station or police station

Plan and plant a garden or visit a community gar-den and offer to help

Watch a professional or semi-professional sport-ing event.