High Emotional Intelligence Transforms Relationships ... · Top performers in life use both in...

High Emotional Intelligence

Transforms Relationships &

Leadershippositively

for success

Arlene R. Taylor PhD

[email protected]

Brain References

www.ArleneTaylor.org7-19

Part 1:

What does “success” mean to you?

Would you like to be more successful within your definition of success?

It begins with understanding emotions and identifying your current level of Emotional Intelligence--and that begins in your brain

Uterine scans have shown that facial expressions of four core emotionsjoy, anger, fear, and sadnessare inborn and may be seen on the face of a fetus during gestation

PET Scans - Joy is aligned with left hemisphere;anger, fear, and sadness align with the right side

All emotions are positive (three are protective) although the behaviors exhibited around them are often negative

©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org

Emotions are fast-acting cellular signals triggered by aninternal or external stimulus and they are designed to:1. Get your attention2. Connect the conscious with subconscious mind3. Provide you with information4. Give you energy to take action5. Help you make moral and ethical decisions6. Bind your perceptions to your conscious beliefs, making

what you think about seem even more real at the time


Working definitions:

IQ: a range of inherited potential academic intelligence

EQ: set of learned skills that are distinct from, but complementary to, academic intelligence

SQ (Success Quotient): a perception of one’s overallsuccess in life to date and that is believed a factor inhealth as well as longevity


Estimates contribution to your overall success in life:• IQ contributes about 20%• EQ contributes about 80%

Top performers in life use both in harmony

Work-place studies have shown that successful managers tend to have an average IQ but high EQ, while less successful managers often have a high IQ but low EQ


Success Quotient Formula: IQ + EQ = SQ

Conflict is expensive in many different ways and tends to involve low levels of EQ:

Home: contributes to stress, unhappiness, illness, addictions, divorce, violence/murder

School-Church: burns out personnel, triggers argumentsand misunderstandings, and interferes with spirituality

Workplace: managers spend 18% of their time managing employee conflicts (low EQ)

—US State News; August 19, 2006


High EQ skills help you:

• Build and maintain stable, rewarding, interpersonal relationships

• Experience a difference of opinionand still communicate in affirming ways that minimize conflict

• Reduce negative stress while increasing your health, happiness, success, and maybe even your potential longevity


• Share your brain’s opinion as honestly and graciously as possible, but remain relatively indifferent about whether it is accepted. This helps you avoid badgering others to embrace your perspective and burning bridges that may or may not be reparable

• Prevent, minimize, and resolve conflict because it is expensive in terms of physical and mental health as well as relationship and leadership failures …70% of contributors to conflict involves your past


“Christian spirituality, without an integration of emotional health, can be deadly—to yourself, your relationship to God, and the people around you… It is impossible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature...

Family patterns from the past are played out in our present relationships without us necessarily being aware of it”

—Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality


When either spiritual or emotional intelligence is low, it is impossible to achieve healthy relationships or to provide healthy leadership

Rather it will reflect your own family-of-origin issues, the spoken and unspoken rules handed down to you, your unique brain function, unidentified and/or unhealed woundednessall packaged in layers of cellular memory from 3-4 previous generations of biological ancestors


Estimates are that only 10-15% of what goes on in the subconscious “mind” comes to consciousawareness . . . (the tip of the iceberg) . . . you canonly manage effectively what you can identify,label, and describe . . .The human brain wants to feel “good” EQ skills helpyou identify what feels good, what feels bad, and how to get from bad to good in a way that results in positive outcomes EQ skills help you better manage emotions and feelings


EQ Myths:

1. EQ equates with being ‘nice’ (false) -- it equates with being graciously functional

2. EQ means giving free reign to your feelings (false) -- itmeans managing them effectively

4. EQ is fixed genetically (false) -- it is a set of learned skills

5. EQ is developed only in childhood (false) -- any time!

6. EQ is higher in females (false) -- about = in the genders


When Goleman’s first book on Emotional Intelligence was released in the mid ’90s many had never even heard of EQ much less had any idea of what it really described or how it could possibly impact their lives—even fewer had any concept of a metaphorical EQ Continuum on which behaviors could be plotted based on outcomes

The higher your EQ, the easier it is to identify high versus low behaviors in yourself and in others…

High Average Low



Goleman talks about the four domains of EQI - Self-awareness - knowing what you feel or sense and

realizing that EQ can use this as a moral compassII - Self-management - handling distressing emotions

effectively and marshaling positive emotionsIII - Self-empathy - it’s beyond sympathy; it’s a

sense of what the other is experiencingIV - Self-Social Skills - putting it all together

and applying it in all relationships and situations(genders, races, cultures, religions, politics…)


Goleman says children need to learn this but to do so adults must role model the behaviors, verbalize what they are doing, state reasons for doing so, and the outcomes they desireWhen this is done effectively, studies have shown:• Anti-social behaviors in children decreased

by 10% and pro-social skills increased by 10%• Academic achievement scores increased by 11%• Some children began copying more successful children

(and some little “broken hearts” began to mend…)

Eight skills related to high EQ: 1. Able to identify, accurately label, assess level of intensity,

and express emotions appropriately2. Able to recognize what the emotion is trying

to communicate3. Able to delay gratification and exhibit good

impulse control4. Able to articulate the difference between recognizing and

identifying a specific emotion and taking any immediateaction based on it


5. Able to listen, read, and interpret social cues, andunderstand the perspective of others (whether or not there is agreement)

6. Able to exhibit effective verbal and nonverbal skills along with empathy and compassion

7. Able to manage one’s own feelings and moodseffectivelyseeking help as needed

8. Able to handle relationships effectively, minimizing JOTbehaviors and replacing them with triple “A” behaviors


Creating new behaviors takes time and practice . . .

AND it can be done

Unfortunately, individuals may be decades into adult life and still be functioning at a very low level of EQ



Adults who are “babies” emotionally often exhibit these low-EQ behaviors:

• Are unable to delay gratification

• Want someone else to “take care” of them

• Use tantrums in an effort to get their own way

• Tend to view others as a means to their own ends

• May be either overcontrolling or overly compliant


Adults who are “children” emotionally often exhibit these low-EQ behaviors:• Pout, whine, complain, throw tantrums or

objects, stamp their feet metaphorically, withdraw and /or isolate if what they want is not quickly forthcoming

• Take disappointments or a simple difference of opinion personally; may be sarcastic or retaliate with threats (You never loved me; I’m leaving)

• Act ‘hurt’ very easily and complain of being ‘stressed’—can be a real challenge to deal with

©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org

Adults who are “teenagers” emotionally often exhibit these low-EQ behaviors:

• Tend to live defensively: argue if criticized, blame others or refuse to discuss or deal with the issue at all

• Are critical and judgmental of others (often in an attempt to make themselves feel better about themselves)

• Are self-absorbed (narcissistic), unable to empathize with others; instead they rush to “tell their own sad story”

• May lie or exaggerate to look better in the eyes of others

Part 2:

Is it possible to rewire your brain for success?

Your habitual attitudes form neural circuits in the brain. If you choose to maintain a specific attitude, the brain can literally rewire itself to facilitate that attitude.

—Doc Childre and Howard MartinThe HeartMath Solution

FrustratedUnawareUnstableRestless

Poor self-worthUnhappy (blame,

judgmental, critical)

SatisfiedAwareBalancedPeacefulGood self-esteemHappy (grateful,appreciative)

EQ

EQ

Mature adults with High EQ skills tend to exhibit these high-EQ characteristics—most of the time


DejectedAngry

LonelyStressed

DependentFatigued

Perceive failure

MotivatedContentedConnectedCalmInterdependentEnergeticPerceive success

EQ

EQ

ASK yourself: Who do you want to hire? Who do you want to work with? Who do you want to live with?NOW: become that person with high EQ skills


Building EQ skills begins with knowing who you are, identifying your typical behaviors, and identifyingwhat happened to you and to your biological or adoptive ancestors, insofar as possible

It involves identifying traumas that kept you from maturing emotionally and spiritually (the spirit with which you live life)—what you learn may be hard pills to swallow but maturing into high levels of EQ begins with those pills• The unexamined life is not worth living —Socrates

• Examine yourselves —Paul 2 Corinthians 13:5



JOT behaviors align with low levels of EQ:

J = Jumping to conclusionsO = OverreactingT = Taking things personally

What EQ skills did you learn growing up?

Start raising your level of EQ by identifying and dumping JOT behaviors and replacing them with Triple “A” behaviors that tend to result in positive outcomes

Think of Triple “A” behaviors as a type of insurance (life-side assistance) against JOT behaviors:A1 = Ask questions to clarify—jumping to conclusions

may put you way off base and out in left fieldA2 = Act calmly as you assess the situation—refrain from

launching into a reactive emotional tsunami that oftenrequires cleanup (think: broken dishes, broken hearts)

A3 = Alter your perception or reframe the event—to avoidtaking things personally, recognizing it may have littleif anything to do with you


Emotional impulses arise in themammalian or 2nd brain layer

Pre-frontal neocortical areasare believed to help moderate emotional expression

Emotional signals appear to be interpreted into feelings in the frontal lobes of the neocortex based on its explanation or interpretation of what the emotions mean and the weight you give to them


Emotions-Feelings Cascade:

• An internal or external stimulus triggers an emotion that arises in the 2nd brain layer and spreads throughout the body

• The brain tries to make sense of thephysiological changes that occur from the emotion

• The brain’s interpretation results in your feelings

High EQ helps you manage both emotions and feelings effectively


According to the British journal Lancet, emotions and feelings follow separate brain pathwaysYou are not responsible for every emotion that surfaces as external events can trigger them—you are responsible for the feelings you hang onto as your brain created themFeelings always follow thoughts, so to change the way you feel, you must change the way you think



When you understand that your feelings are connected to what you think about an event and not by the event itself, you can gain a measure of perspective and control

Behaviors also follow thoughts; change yourthoughts, change your choice of behaviors

Note, willpower was not designed to stop a “bad” behavior; it was designed to help you implement a “better” behavior that tends to give you positive outcomes

EQ consists of three psychological dimensions that motivate people to maximize productivity, manage change, and resolve conflict:

1. Emotional competency

2. Emotional maturity

3. Emotional sensitivity Dahlip Singh PhD Emotional Intelligence at Work


1 - Emotional Competency means that you: Address emotional upsets and avoid emotional

exhaustion (no ‘stuffing it’ or ‘slush fund’) Possess a balanced level of self-esteem (not

under inflated or overinflated) Handle your egoism (take the initiative to prevent, avoid,

and/or resolve conflict without blame) Use tactful responses to emotional stimuli (no overt

response may be most appropriate at the moment)


2. Emotional Maturity means that you:

• Are self-aware (as the brain matures)• Care for the self and for others (as the superego in the

3rd brain layers develops with brain maturation)• Able to delay immediate gratification for

a more desirable long-term reward• Are adaptable and flexible


3. Emotional Sensitivity means that you:

Are able to respond to emotional stimuli of low intensity

Can be empathetic, able to sense or experience the feelings of another at some level

Are not knocked down by choices of others

Live at joy and communicate positivity in your mindset, self-talk, and affirming style of speaking


EQ does not show up in IQ tests because it is separate from IQ and yet EQ matters more than anything else in determining your overall success in life both personally and professionallyResearchers such as Dr. Dalip Singh of India are working to develop an EQ assessments that eventually may beused in hiring and evaluating personnelSample questions follow with one answer better representing high levels of EQ


Question one - When your idea is rejected, you:

1. Feel totally put down and tell others how unfair this was

2. Analyze reasons for the defeat

3. Figure winning and losing are all part of the game

4. Wait for the next opportunity to beat your opponents


Answer - When your idea is rejected, you:

1. Feel totally put down and tell others how unfair this was

2. Analyze reasons for the defeat and course correct for the future as needed

3. Figure winning and losing are all part of the game

4. Wait for the next opportunity to beat your opponents


Question Two - Explain your current life in one sentence:

1. Okay – life is a 50:50 mixed experience

2. Successful – a contented person who has what could make you happy

3. Comfortable – but basically just a puppet in life

4. Uncomfortable – a person who deserves better but can’t get it


Answer - Explain your current life in one sentence:

1. Okay – life is a 50:50 mixed experience

2. A contented and successful person who has what could make you happyand are staying focused on that even as you continue to grow

3. Comfortable – but basically just a puppet in life

4. Uncomfortable – a person who deserves better but can’t get it


Question Three - When a hearing-impaired person in yourgroup misunderstands a phrase, you:

1. Laugh with the others

2. Ignore the incident

3. Repeat the phrase so the person gets it

4. Help the person and comment about the need to speak louder


Answer - When a hearing-impaired person in yourgroup misunderstands a phrase, you:

1. Laugh with the others

2. Ignore the incident

3. Repeat the phrase so the person gets it

4. Help the person and comment about the need to speak speak louder even as you role-modeled that to the group (e.g., give a person a fish or teach them to fish)


Question Four - When newcomers with different opinions attend your group, you:

1. Ignore them and hope they go away

2. Criticize them to others

3. Accept them “as is” and set your own boundaries as needed

4. Tell them to change in order to be accepted


Answer - When newcomers with different opinions attend your group, you:

1. Ignore them and hope they go away

2. Criticize them to others

3. Accept them “as is” (you can never make someone else change) and set your own personal boundaries as needed (to protect yourself and be safe)

4. Tell them to change in order to be accepted


Question Five - When co-workers comment you are not very smart since you don’t know the lingo, you:

1. Ignore them

2. Ask them to keep their opinions to themselves

3. Transfer to another department

4. Evaluate their comments, accept the challenge, andlearn the lingo


Answer - When co-workers comment you are not very smart since you don’t know the lingo, you:

1. Ignore them

2. Ask them to keep their opinions to themselves

3. Transfer to another department

4. Evaluate their comments, accept the challenge, andlearn the lingo (if you want to stay in that jobview thecomment as a gift)


Question Six - After involuntary and temporary transfer to aproject with a new boss in a remote area (albeit with a payhike and a promotion possibility), you:

1. Mark time waiting for a promotion

2. Enjoy the challenge and pay raise

3. Complain or whine and ask “Why me?”

4. Jump the gun, resign, and look for new job


Answer - After involuntary and temporary transfer to aproject with a new boss in a remote area (albeit with a payhike and a promotion possibility), you:

1. Mark time waiting for a promotion

2. Enjoy the challenge and pay raise knowing your attitude and performance will be evaluated

3. Complain or whine and ask “Why me?”

4. Jump the gun, resign, and look for new job


Emotional Intelligence is a required course for genuinesuccess in every aspect of life

However, a next class is always on the horizon, the homework can be challenging, and exams are often tough to pass, so many drop out . . .

You can do it and you can help others raise their level of EQ as they watch you role-model

This makes for successful relationships and effective leadership . . .


High Emotional Intelligence Transforms Relationships ... · Top performers in life use both in...

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