Hidden Series

7/27/2019 Hidden Series

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I still can't believe I'm standing here in my living-room the day before mywedding and look at him in the sunlight. He was the last person I expected to bestanding in front of my door when I opened it only an hour ago.

First I was in shock. Angel and sunlight just didn't mix. The moment he said myname I realised it was really true. He was standing there and by taking a closer look I saw the pulse at his neck.

That was the moment I fainted.

I woke up only five minutes later on my sofa with Angel's concerned gaze lookingdown on me. God, I wanted to drown in his eyes. It's his eyes I never forgot allthose years. We haven't seen each other for years and I forgot about his touch,about the cool texture of his skin, about the spiky look of his hair, I evenforgot his voice, but never, not one second I forgot his eyes.

"Angel," was the first word I said. I know it sounds pretty stupid sayingsomething so obvious. I mean, we both know his name, but it was the only wordthat came into my mind. And of course he said something equally stupid.

"Buffy."

God, I want to die. Nobody says my name the way he does. It's not really sayingmy name, it's more like a spoken caress. As if he wants to show me all his loveand devotion with this one word. And it's also always a bit hesitant, as if heisn't sure how I would react on seeing him.

Years ago my heart began to race in my chest when I heard his voice like that.Years ago my face would've lit up in seeing him. But today I was only angry.

"What do you want?," I ask rubbing my forehead while I'm sitting up.

"Careful," he says and reaches for me, but I hold up my hand.

"No, don't touch me," I look at him and stand. He does the same. "I repeat myquestion. What do you want?"

He takes a deep breath and I can see the wariness in his eyes, the struggle inhim as he fights to find the right words.

"If you want to tell me you're human," I say cooly, "I've already realised that.That's the reason I fainted. It was quite a shock. It's certainly nothing I ever expected to happen. Although I have to admit I dreamed about it." After a pause Iadd, "years ago."

He looks at me and my words don't seem to surprise him. As if he's expected me tosay exactly that. I sigh inwardly, because I forgot how well he could read me. Itwas hard to surprise Angel.

"Still," I continue, "it doesn't explain why you're here. Didn't Cordy tell youthat I'm going to be married tomorrow?"

"Yes," he replies quickly. "She did. That's one of the reasons I came today. Iwanted to wait for another week to be certain about," he gestures at himself,"about this. Me being human that is."

"I see. Well, actually I don't. Because I don't understand what's so importantabout it." God, I want to cry, you hurt me. You left me and now you act as if nothing has happened. Go to hell!

"I ...," he hesitates and takes a deep breath, "I'm not so sure myself why Icame. After all - as you said - you're going to marry tomorrow. You l-love your


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fiance. Probably very much," he looks at me with an expression of hope.

"That's right," I say and can see him flinch. Good, I hurt you, I think. And see,I don't even care. I'm so over you Angel and I'm going to show you. I don't needyou anymore. You can't hurt me anymore. And the same second I know what a damnedliar I am.

"I see," his voice is hoarse and he swallows hard. "Well, maybe I ... I better gothen."

"Maybe." God, I've really learned my lesson. I never thought I could act so cool.

"Alright then ...," his hand is at the handle of the door and he is about to openit. I release a breath when he suddenly turns around, "Buffy, I.."

I raise a brow, "Yes?"

He shakes his head and steps closer again, "No," his voice is firmer now. "Of course I knew why I came. I was stupid enough to walk away from you once, but notagain." He takes another step towards me and I back away. He stops too. "I loveyou Buffy. I love you, I never stopped."

I can only stare at him. "And I love Brian," I reply, amazed that my voice is sosteady.

When I see all colour draining from his face I want to feel something liketriumph but all I feel is pain. God, Angel, I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt youI want to shout, but can't do that either. So I'm just looking at him.

"I'm sorry," I hear him whisper and I can see he's fighting with tears. He runs atrembling hand through his hair. "I ... I really shouldn't have come." He shakeshis head unhappily. "I didn't know what I expected. Maybe nothing. Maybe ...maybe everything," he shakes his head again and an unhappy laugh escapes histhroat. Then he moves to the door again but turns towards me a last time. "Youknow when I learned about the fact I would become human one day I had the funnyidea you would be there waiting for me. Seems I was wrong again."

I can feel my anger rising, "Years? You knew this for years? Well, maybe if you'dtaken the time to inform me about it I would've had a chance, but you told me tomove on to find someone who could take me into the sunlight. And I did. So don'tyou dare accusing me for it." I take a deep breath, I don't want to shout, Idon't want to show that his presence still throws me. I don't want to analyse allthose things I begin to feel again right now. No, stop, I don't want to. Go away!

I almost miss the expression in his eyes. It's something I've never seen therebefore, something like betrayal. I don't understand it and I don't want to. Angelisn't important for me anymore. It's over and I love Brian. I'm safe with Brian.My heart is safe. He won't break it. He loves me.

"It isn't really important anymore," he says finally and his voice soundsincredibly tired. A ghost smile crosses his features, "Be happy, Buffy. It's allI ever wanted." Again this unhappy laugh and I my gut twists painfully. It makesme physically sick seeing him hurting like that. "Well, probably not true.There's a lot more I wished for, but," he shrugs, "we don't always get our dreamscome true."

"No, we don't," I agree. I love you, I want to cry, stay, take me in your arms,but I say nothing. I want to reach out and touch his face, want to take him in myarms to make this expression go away, but I do nothing. I can't. My heart isbroken. Maybe it will never heal. My trust is destroyed. Not that he ever trustedme. I wasn't even important enough to tell me he would be human one day. Why onearth am I whining for him. That stupid bastard. God, I wish he'd never come back


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my face and the letter in my hands. "What is the matter? Did something happen?"She asks concerned and I want to kill her. God, I never felt so much anger andhatred in my whole life. "Brian? Is Brian alright?"

I look up and wonder if she can see all those emotions in my eyes. "Brian isfine." My voice is so cool, I can't believe what a good actress I have become.But then it's not really a surprise.

"What are you reading?," she asks.

Trying to suppress my anger, not willing to show how much she hurt me, I get upand stare into her eyes. I know these eyes like I know mine. These lying eyes of my so called friend. "Why?"

She's confused. Oh, the lying bitch is confused. "Buffy?"

So I just start to read, "My dearest Buffy," I look up and see understanding dawnin her eyes. "Sounds familiar?" I ask and see a hand fly to her mouth, whiletears well up in her eyes. I continue reading and my voice raises with each word."I'm not really sure if I have a right to write to you at all. But there'ssomething occured in my life, something so fundamental I feel you have a right toknow. As surprising as it seems there's a prophecy mentioning the vampire with a

soul. Wesley translated it for me. And Buffy, I don't know if it's fair to eventell you because I don't want you to get false hopes. I told you to move on,built a life for you and I still do, but, well ... this prophecy says I'm goingto be human. There's no way we can know when or if this is correct at all, butit's the first time in my life I have hope. Real hope that this miserableexsistance will end some day. And somehow I felt you should know. Please, Buffy,I don't expect you to wait for me. Oh well, I'm a liar, of course I do, but Iknow I have no right to. This is probably not fair, telling you about somethingthat might not happen during your lifetime, but still I think you should know.Because I respect you too much, to keep it from you. Love. Always. Angel."

I take a deep breath when I finished reading the letter aloud. and stare at her."Any comments?" I ask.

"Buffy..."

I interrupt her angrily, "How could you dare? The letter is dated nine years ago,Willow. He wrote it to me nine years ago. How could you keep it from me? You hadno right," I cannot stop the sob that escapes my throat. "God, he probablythought I didn't care at all. How could you?," I shout.

"But you read it," she argues. "Nobody knows if this might come true at all. I just didn't want to see you hurting."

"It wasn't your decision to make," I reply and walk out of her room and into thekitchen, knowing that she'll follow me.

"You were with Riley then. You were happy. He had no right..."

"Happy?," I spite the word into her face interrupting her again. "And who are youto decide what right Angel had and what not. Who are you to control my emotions.Who are you at all, I wonder?"

"I'm your friend," she replies without hesitation.

"No," I shake my head. "I thought you were my friend, I thought I knew you onlyto realise I don't know you at all." I throw the letter into her direction and itfalls down to the floor. "He wrote it to me to show me that he still cared. ThatI was still important to him and you took it away from me. It wasn't enough for you to push me towards Riley, was it. You needed to keep him away from me too.


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"God, you don't even pretend to be ashamed," I shake my head and leave thekitchen because it feels overcrowded all of a sudden. Walking into the livingroom I can hear them whisper and then follow me.

"Buffy you have to understand," Giles begins, but stops when he sees I hold up myhand.

"I will never, do you hear me, never understand." I whirl around, "I know youhated him. I know you never forgave him for what he did to Jenny although itwasn't really him. But I now also understand that you're jealous of him. Becausethere were times I trusted him more than you. But I would've never guessed youwould do something like that." I point at the letter again. "I can almost see himwriting it. The uncertainty, the doubts, the hesitation at each word. But hewrote it nevertheless. Can you imagine how he must have felt when I never wroteback or called. He must have thought I didn't care at all. How could you?"

"But Buffy, whatever we did. You have to see the whole picture," he argues."Whatever happened, it brought you here, to a wonderful relationship with Brian,a man you are going to marry," he looks at his watch, "in about six hours."

"No," I shake my head. "The wedding is off. I won't marry him, because I willnever love him the way he should be loved."

Giles stares at me. "B-but..."

"Yeah, but," I laugh sarcastically. "Is it a surprise for you? And I thoughtyou'd know me and love me like a daughter. What a joke!"

"But I do love you," he protests while Willow is following our conversation withan unhappy expression. "If you were my real daughter I couldn't love you anymore."

"Then it's maybe good I'm not, because this way I can just walk away and stopcaring. If I was your real daughter I would try to get a blood transfusion to getyour scent off me." I see him flinch and I know it was cruel what I said, but I'mbeyond caring.

The door bell rings and Willow goes to open it. I almost laugh when I hear Xander's voice, "Hi Will. I went to Brian," he says. Sure he did, he was meant tobe his best man. "And he tells me the wedding is off. What's going on here?," heasks when he enters the living-room and looks at me. But I'm surprised to see theperson who's with him.

"Hi Xander. My friends all together." I never thought my voice can soundsarcastic like that. "We have a little chat about a certain letter I never got.Willow tells me you were in this game too." Then I turn my head towards thesecond person who came, "Hi Cordy." She nods in reply, but doesn't say anything.She doesn't understand what's going on.

"Letter?," Xander asks with a confused expression in his eyes and Giles hands thepaper over to him. Instantly he knows what I'm talking about, but what he says isthe most surprising thing I ever heard, "I'm sorry."

"What?" I stare at him.

"For years I was inwardly discussing if we did the right thing keeping this fromyou. I never felt comfortable about it. I know it's no excuse and the fact youwere finally happy with Brian made me believe it wasn't completely wrong. Still,if someone would've done that to me I would be ready to kill them." He takes adeep breath and gives me a sheepish smile.

Xander, the only one I wasn't really surprised being in this, apologizes. Xander


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feels sorry, Xander feels it wasn't right, while Willow and Giles, the ones Ithought of being supportive tried to defend their actions. My world really turnedupside down.

My gaze wanders to Cordy but she holds up a hand, "Hey don't look at me that way.I wanted to murder you when you didn't reply. I knew he wrote to you, he told me.

And he was devastated when you never wrote back, never even called. I wanted to

tie him to his bed when he decided to come to Sunnydale after your mom diedbecause I thought he didn't owe you anything. Only to find out you never had achance to read the letter."

She turns and glares at Willow and Giles, somehow she seems to feel the same asI, that Xander already understood what he's done. "I cannot believe you guys.What do you think you are. The Powers That Be?" Suddenly she shrugs, "On a secondthought you might be. They certainly know about torture," she touches her headand I don't understand what she means but the way she looks at my ex-friend andmy ex-watcher tells me that she has no love for the Powers.

She looks at me again, "I came to kill you, you know," she says but smiles. "Hecame back yesterday. To L.A. I'm really glad he isn't a vampire anymore, becauseI'm sure he would've welcomed the sunlight this morning. And I wanted to killmyself for being so stupid to push him to go to you." She sighs, "But now I know

better."

"Is he still there?," I ask, suddenly not caring anymore about my so calledfriends. Suddenly I realise what's important in my life, what I have to do, wheremy future is.

"Sure," she nods. "Probably brooding in his room." She reaches in her purse andtosses me her keys. "That's for the hotel entrance," she tells me. "I'm not surehe'll answer the door. Good Luck."

"Thanks, Cordy," I say and squeeze her arm. "You're a good friend."

"Of course I am," she smiles back. "He's like the brother I never had."

My eyes are cold when I look at Willow and Giles, "I don't want to see you again.I will try to find a new apartment soon and then I'll get my things." I don'tlook at Xander because I'm not sure about my feelings towards him at the moment.It's not so clear.

Closing the door behind me I hear Willow ask, "What do you mean Angel's novampire anymore?"

*

Closing the entrance door behind me I look around. The Hyperion Hotel. I knewthat Angel moved in here some years ago, but I've never seen it before. It's darkeverywhere and I realise that everything is still vampire-proof. But somehow I'mnot really interested in my surroundings at the moment. Silently I tiptoe throughthe hallways to find Angel's room number, Cordy has given to me.

Reaching it I shortly discuss to knock but then decide against it. Inside it'sdark and I can see his body sprawled on his bed. He still wears the same clotheshe did when he came to see me. It brings tears to my eyes. God Angel, I want tosay, what have I done to you. But I don't. I just step nearer and then sit downon the edge.

"Buffy," he says, his eyes still closed. "What do you want? I thought we saideverything yesterday."

That throws me. He can still feel me. Only now he opens his eyes and looks at me.


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The expression in them almost makes me cry out in agony. I want to touch him, Iwant to say I'm sorry, but instead I blurt out, "I never got that letter, Angel.I only found it this morning after I decided not to marry Brian. Buffy and Willowand Xander decided to keep it away from me. You know, the letter you wrote meabout you becoming human one day."

I can see him taking a deep breath and sit up on the bed, but he doesn't say a

word. He just keeps staring at me.

And suddenly I know exactly what I want and what is important in my life and Idecide there's something about pride, but sometimes it's strongly overrated. "I'msorry," I whisper. "I never stopped loving you too," and lock my teary eyes withhis.

"I'm sorry too. For too many things to mention," he finally says. He reaches outto touch my hand and it hits me like lightning, but I don't pull away. I want tofeel him. It's so familiar, so Angel and yet so new because he's warm. "There's alot we have to talk about, Buffy. But first of all I need to know something." Hesmiles hesitantly and something close to hope enters his eyes, "I want my life tobe with you. Do you too? I know there are a lot of issues we have to workthrough, but I'm also sure we can if we both want."

I feel tears again in my eyes, but this time they aren't sad. This time they arehappy tears, "Yes," I cry and throw my arms around his neck, sobbing in hisshirt. "Yes, Angel, I want my life to be with you. I want to be with you everysecond of every minute of every hour of a day. I love you, I love you," I repeatagain and again.

"I love you too," he muffles into my hair and hold me close.

I cling to him and for the first time in years I feel home.

END

Buffy woke up disoriented and confused. It needed some minutes for her to recallthe events of the previous day and to realise she way laying in Angel's bed withthe very man, emphasis on the word *man*, beside her. They were still fullydressed, yet they were so intimately entwined that she had difficulties to seewhere she ended and he began.

The last afternoon and evening they hadn't done much more than holding each other and crying in each others arms. There had been no words, they would come, theyneeded to be spoken, but yesterday had only belonged to the sensation of feelingthe other close after such a long time.

They hadn't made love, none of them was ready for it. It would happen eventually,Buffy was sure of it, but when they would do it they knew it shouldbeunrestrained, it should be open and without limits and both knew that couldn'thappen before they hadn't talked and got aquainted to each other again. They hadafter all not seen each other for more than eight years.

The last time he'd come to Sunnydale was to take her in his arms and spendcomfort when she was devastated over the death of her mother. He had been gentleand compassionate but somehow withdrawn, and now she knew why. Of course he'dexpected a reaction from her after he'd written her about the prospect he mightbecome human one day.

She could feel the anger again, slowly creeping up her body, threatening toconsume each cell. She had almost forgotten about it in her happiness to bereunited with her one true love.


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Almost.

She could feel tears welling up in her eyes again. How would she ever be able tolook at them again. The knowledge that Riley had known about it wasn't somethingshe would dwell on. Their relationship, if you could ever call it one, was over for years, in fact she hadn't heard of him since the day he'd left Sunnydale for

good. And contrary to everybodys expectation she hadn't missed him one minute.She admitted that he had been the right guy at the right time, maybe had beeneven good for her as long as it went, but the moment it was over, it had beenover.

But Giles, whom she'd loved like a father, Xander, whom she'd seen as a truefriend these were the betrayals that cut deep, that seemed unforgivable. Xander at least had admitted it had been wrong, had seen his fault. But it hadn't madehim tell her the truth either and so she wasn't really sure how she felt abouthim how.

Still it was Willow's betrayal that hurt most. The trusted friend since her teenage years, her roommate, the shoulder to cry on, the person who knew all her secrets, the girl that had held her the night Angel had told Buffy he would leaveSunnydale. The person she'd believed to understand what was between her and the

ensouled vampire, this person had gone behind her back, withheld something soprofound like Angel's letter.

Buffy didn't even want to begin to think what would've been different if she'dhad the oportunity to read it all these years ago. She didn't know if it would'vechanged the fact that she'd slept with other men. No, probably not. After all shewas a normal young woman, no rewind that, healthy and young, but not normal,certainly not normal. Anyway. She'd enjoyed having sex and she knew that Angelwould've expected her to live her life to the full, not to hold back to wait for a dream that maybe wouldn't come true at all or at least not in her lifetime.

But she was absolutely certain that she'd never had encouraged Brian to push her relationship that far and that she'd never accepted his proposal.

Brian.

His name brought a wave of sadness in her mind. Brian with his wonderful blueeyes and his blonde hair, Brian who made her laugh, who took her into the sun,who accepted the fact that she had a sacred duty. Brian whom she'd come closeloving like the man on her side, but only close. And Brian whom she'd hurt. Hurtbecause she'd believed that there couldn't ever be a future with Angel.

So there was another person Giles, Willow and Xander hadn't counted on. A thirdparty that got caught up in their meddling with fate. God, how she hated them.Shortly the thought flashed through her mind if her mother and Dawn had knownanything about it. No, not Dawn, because she wouldn't have kept it away from her.Buffy was certain of that. If not for thoughtfulness then for the fact that shecouldn't keep a secret, she was even worse than Willow had been at her age.

As for her mother. She was dead and it wasn't really important anymore. Shedidn't want to think that way about the woman who had given life to her and whohad gone so early, leaving her with a father who hadn't cared enough to staylonger than a short while. But he was dead as well now and for that she let himrest with the woman he'd never really loved.

They belonged to her past and her future was now here with the man who had never stopped loving her, so he'd told her yesterday and whom she loved with everyfiber of her body. She had to smile when he began to stir and slowly opened hiseyes.


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"Hey," she smiled at him, their lips only inches apart.

"Hey too," he smiled as well. "Did you sleep well?"

"Hmmm," she made and leaned over to kiss him gently on the lips. He respondedimmediately and the kiss became more passionate in an instant. They only partedwhen air became an issue for both of them, a fact Buffy thought she had to get

used to as to his warm body or the steady rhythm of his heart. She'd fallenasleep with her ear over the spot, savouring the most wonderful noise she'd ever heard.

"This is nice," she sighed and snuggled even closer to him.

If Angel had to describe heaven he would've just held this very moment. Layingside by side with the woman he loved was perfection for him, who had been in theshadows for more than 200 years. Her eyes were still puffy from the tears she'dspent the day before, her makeup was smeared over her cheeks and her hair tousledbut for him she was everything he ever wished for.

"What?," self-consciously one of her hands flew to her hair and in memory of thelast time she'd woken up beside him, she said, "Not good."

He grinned in response, recalling that morning as well, "Still no mirrors, atleast not in my suite. But there's one in the bathroom downstairs." He rolled hiseyes, "Cordy insisted on it. She said that after hunting ugly, scaly demons sheneeded an oportunity to make herself presentable again."

"I see," she giggled. "Yesterday when I saw her I thought she'd changed a lot,but somewhere deep down she's still Cordy."

"Very true," he sighed, but a smile played on his lips.

"How's Wesley?," she asked after a moment.

"You're really interested in Wesley?," he teased, but sobered, "He's fine. He'sbecome a good friend and has changed a lot. He even got over his crush for Cordelia, who in fact is in a permanent relationship with Gunn."

"Gunn?"

"I met him," he chuckled, "or better he met me. They tried to kill me. They werea bunch of kids hunting vampires or more likely fighting a war. Then his sister was turned into a vampire and he had to kill her."

"Oh God," she breathed with wide eyes.

"Yeah. He staked her and somehow he began to tolerate and trust me. When we movedthe agency into this hotel they kinda moved in. All the kids who were with him,some of them barely 16." He smiled and pushed a strand of blonde hair from her face. "I had to think about you when I looked at them. The day I saw you on thesteps of Hemery when you were called."

"And Cordy and ... uhm ... Gunn are and ... uhm ... you know."

"Yes," he chuckled again. "And he's not at all what I'd expected Cordelia todate. He's neither rich nor well educated, but he's a good guy and over the yearsbecame one of the very few friends I have."

"You made some friends in LA, didn't you. Cordy, Wesley and Gunn. Something younever had in Sunnydale." It was spoken casually but Angel could feel theunderlying sadness in her words. That he had found something while he was awayfrom her, something she had failed to give him.


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Stroking her cheek tenderly he smiled, "There was not one second I didn't missyou. I didn't need to seek for friends in Sunnydale because all I needed wasyou."

The smile she gave him in response told him he'd found the right words to expresshis feelings for her. Still there was so much more they had to talk about to have

a chance to start fresh or as fresh as possible. Slowly and gently he pushed her away from him and got up. "Maybe we should both take a shower and have some coffeand then ... talk?"

"Yes," she replied without hesitation, knowing that they needed to do exactlythat to find their way to each other.

"Well, you are free to use the shower here. I take one in another room. Did youbring any clothes?"

"Uhm," she gave him a sheepish smile, "not exactly. I left in a hurry."

He couldn't help the happy smile that crept over his face. "You can take some of the spare ones of Cordy's. She keeps them here, well not here," he gestured tohis room. "But in a spare room on this floor. It's no. 16 - so just go there and

get what you need. It should be about the same size. Well at least you can getsome pants and a shirt - I think."

"Thanks," she interrupted his nervous rumble. He was cute when he was nervous shedecided. But then, when had she ever not thought he was cute. "See you then inhalf and hour?"

"Alright," and with a last smile he left the room.

*

Half an hour later they sat in the lobby of the hotel, both holding a steamingmug of coffe in their hands. Buffy was the first to break the silence, somehowboth of them seemed shy to share the events of the past years.

"Well," she gave him a hesitant smile. "Who starts?"

"Whom do you want to start?"

"If it's alright, I go first. Then it's over and done." She leaned back andbegan. Telling him about Parker, the feeling of having been used after he'd lether down, about Riley, the man who had let vampires drink from him to get evenwith her, her two other boyfriends and about Brian. "You would like each other,"she said but then grimaced, "if it wasn't for the fact that you love the samewoman. But after you he was the best that ever happened to me. And I hated thefact I had to hurt him, even more now that I know I could've prevented it if Ihad known about your letter."

"Buffy...," he tried to interrupt her but she held up a hand.

"Don't tell me now that you understand them. Because I know you, Angel. You areable to understand almost everything. And Don't tell me I should forgive them,because at the moment I really hate them. I think I've rarely or never been thatangry in my whole life. When I picture Willow's face I want to hit something."She thought for a moment, "Do you still patrol? Hunt vampires I mean?"

"No," he shook his head. "Well I haven't since I became human two nights ago.Mostly because I had other things in my mind but also because missing vampirestrength is something I have to get used to first."


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"We could go tonight. I could stake some ... you know work out my anger," shegrinned.

"Poor vamps," he sighed but chuckled.

"Xander is married to Anya," she continued her story. "But you probably know thatfrom Cordelia. I know she and Xand have stayed in touch."

"Yeah, I know," he nodded. "Who would've thought Xander would marry an ex-demon,he of all people."

She had to laugh at that, "And Anya is really strange sometimes. But you get usedto it ... after years of training. You'll see it when ...," she trailed off andtears welled up in her eyes.

"Buffy...,"

"No," she held up her hand again and angrily shook her head. "I need to get usedto it. They don't belong to our live anymore. I will not go back."

"You're still the slayer," he reminded her.

"I know, I know," she sighed. "And in a case of emergency I can go there but Iwon't go back and I will certainly not live with Willow again. It's also the bestfor Brian. He lives there and that way we won't accidently run into each other."She took a deep breath, "And did you know that Giles and Willow are seeing eachother. After Oz left, she dated Tara, I thought I would freak out when I realisedshe had a love affair with a woman. Willow of all people, shy, romantic, lying,false Willow." Her voice had become hard during the last part of her speech.

"Anyway. After that she dated one or two guys and it became apparent that Tarawas just a one time thing. And then two years ago her relationship with Gileschanged. Slowly, gradually and one morning she came back to our apartment tellingme that she and Giles had become lovers." Her eyes narrowed, "They certainly haveearned each other." She looked up again and into his eyes, "And you?"

He shrugged, "There isn't much really. Mostly an every day routine, sleepingduring the day or sometimes not, hunting evil at night. Helping some people andthese things. Sometimes working with that cop I know. Kate, her name is Kate.Maybe you remember her from ... well, when you came about ... about Faith," hesaid hesitantly, not sure how she felt about the other slayer now. "Kate was thecop who arrested me."

"The one who wanted to give you a cell with a window facing east, yeah, Iremember her," she replied sarcasitally. "Not the kind of person I want to beaquainted with."

He had to laugh at that, "She isn't really that bad, you know. She went through arough time. Her father, he had been a cop as well, was killed by vampires. I wasthere, but couldn't do anything because he didn't invite me in. After that, welllet's just say vampires weren't high scoring in her book and she didn't care if they had souls or not."

He put his cup down and suddenly stood up, knowing that what he would tell her now he wouldn't be able while sitting. "I went through a rough time as well," hebegan, turning and looking at her again. "Darla came back."

"What?," she stared at him incredulously. "B-but you staked her?"

"I know. There's this law firm in L.A. Wolfram & Hart. They were lawyers buttheir clients weren't the usual sort, if you understand what I mean. More thanonce our paths crossed and after a while I really seemed to annoy them." He took


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a deep breath and began to pace, "They had this box. And with it they could bringa vampire back. So they brought Darla. First I thought I only dreamed about her,but then I realised she was real and what was even more confusing was the factthat she was human."

"Human!?," Buffy could barely believe it.

"Yeah. I ... I tried to help her. She was confused. She was like me when I got mysoul back. I still felt a connection to her. She was - after all - my sire. And Ifelt responsible, I thought ... I thought I could get her to the point that shewould be willing to make amends." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.Stopping, he faced her again, "And I was close," he measured an inch distancebetween his thumb and indexfinger. "But it appeared that she'd had syphilisbefore she'd been turned. She never told me." He sighed and took his spot on thesofa again.

"She had been a whore, I knew that, but what I didn't know was the fact that shewas about to die when the Master came to her and changed her. And now that shewas human again, the sickness went on. Today syphilis wouldn't be much of aproblem, but her case was too advanced. And she was terrified. She had just beenresurrected and didn't want to die. She wanted me to make her a vampire again. Irefused and finally she was ready to die. But then Wolfram & Hart interferred and

found a vampire mad enough to do what I had refused her."

"Drusilla?," somehow Buffy just knew.

He didn't seem surprise, only nodded, "Yeah. The idea to sire her own grand-sirethrilled her. They made me watch it," He took a deep breath, knowing that now hehad to tell her everything, "From there it spiralled down. I almost lost it."Seeing her expression he had to smile, "Not that way. I didn't change into

Angelus, but I came pretty close. Do you remember Christmas when the First Evilhaunted me. About that close. I ... I don't know," again he ran a hand throughhis hair.

"Thinking about it today it seems almost unreal." He shook his head and let out ashort laugh, "Anyway. I became unreliable. I fired Cordelia and Wesley. I did itto protect them, but it was one more reason for them not to trust me. I even letDrusilla and Darla kill a bunch of lawyers of Wolfram & Hart withoutinterferring."

"Oh Angel," Buffy reached out and touched his hand, understanding how hard it wasfor him, because he'd been in possession of his soul when it happened.

"Finally," he continued, "I was ready to let go. Nothing was important anymorefor me. I wanted to give up and I slept with her. With Darla." He heard Buffygasp and gave her a loopsided grin. "Yeah. We did it more than once that night.But what happened was soemthing none of us expected. Darla proved to be mysalvation. At least for that moment."

"I ... I don't think I understand," she said slowly.

"How could you?," he took her hand in his and squeezed it. "I didn't understandit myself. When it was over I was still there. I never lost my soul, I didn'teven come close. That was the moment I realised I was different. I was not thesame animal she was or Spike or Drusilla or all the other vampires. The fact Ihadn't lost my soul in having sex with my sire, something I had done countlesstimes before, showed me that whatever relationship we had it wasn't the same whatI had with you." Now he smiled. "I was free. Suddenly I was free. God, it feltgood. You can't even imagine how good it felt."

Seeing her expression, he quickly added, "Not having had sex with her, butfeeling free. Darla took my life so many years ago but that night she gave it


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back to me. That night she set me free. After that she left and never came backagain. I don't know where she is and I don't even care. I'm only sure of onething. She won't come back to L.A."

They were silent for a long time after he'd finished his story, both sipping attheir coffees, hanging on their thoughts. Again it was Buffy who spoke first.

"Angel, where do we go from here?"

"I don't know," he replied honestly. "It's up to you. For me, I can hardlybelieve you're here with me. Yesterday morning I thought everything was lost andyou would be married by now. But you're here. So whatever you want is alrightwith me."

She nodded and became silent again. "I already told you," she said after a while,"that I'm not going back to Sunnydale. Not permanently, that is. I thought aboutfinding an apartment in L.A."

He looked at her for a long moment, "Well," he said hesitantly, "you could ... Imean ... apartments are expensive around here and I've got this big hotel. So if you want you could stay here." Quickly he added, "There are many rooms and evensome unoccupied suites."

She had to smile at the uncertainty in his eyes and the sweetness of his offer,but she could also see hope there. "I would like that," she replied and saw thehappy smile that spread over his face, "but I'd rather stay in the room we spentthe night in. I kinda like it."

"I see," he looked at her, "that's alright," he assured her quickly. "Whatever you want. I can remove my stuff quickly. It isn't really that much, I have noproblem with an other room and ..."

"Angel," she interrupted him. "It's not what I mean. I was more thinking aboutsharing it with you." She caught her lower lip between her teeth, "if you want ittoo, that is." She looked at him expectantly.

"Want? Oh Buffy," he took her hand. "I never dreamed ... I mean," embarrassed hestopped and looked down. Taking a deep breath he continued, "I'm making a mess of this," he muttered. "I honestly didn't expect that," he finally admitted lookingat her again.

"Why ever not?"

"Well first of all it's been more than eight years. I cannot expect that we justforget about it and that you fall into my arms and live with me. You had a lifegoing on in Sunnydale and mine was in L.A.," he ran a hand through his hair andsmiled sheepishly, "I'm really talking a lot of nonsense today."

"No," she smiled at him gently, lovingly. "You make perfect sense. Well, to me,but then we always had something special."

"Yeah," he agreed. "And to answer your question. There's nothing I would wantmore than living together with you. I love you, Buffy Summers, you are my life.

And in offering to stay with me you make my dreams come true."

"Make love to me Angel, now," she said suddenly, urgently, squeezing his hand.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, very sure," she replied without hesitation. "I waited almost 12 years for this. I am very sure and I love you too."


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With a swift movment he pulled her into his arms. Both lovers lost themselves ineach other. Both knew there were things they had to face soon. First of allBuffy's friends in Sunnydale. And Angel knew that Cordelia would be back soon aswould be Wesley and Gunn. But today and tonight belonged to them and to themalone.

The world would intrude soon enough. But this time it had to wait.

END

It had been 24 hours to rediscover each other. 24 hours closed away fromeverything and everybody, closed away from the world. It had not only been thesex or more precisely making love although they'd done that a lot and in everypossible way the last day and night, but they had also talked between shortperiods of dozing off.

The talks had nothing to do with the seriousness of the previous morning wherethey'd shared the memories of the times while they'd been separated. This timethe words were whispered, private words, which brought them close again. Buffycouldn't remember anymore how often they'd told each other 'I love you'. Maybe itwas ridiculous to repeat it again and again. Of course they both knew they loved

each other but after such a long time apart it seemed necessary to assure eachother time and again.

However it was, both woke up the next morning with the feeling they did belong toeach other again.

Buffy was amazed of herself, but she realised it was a proof of their love thatit had been so easy to get reaquainted to Angel and vica versa. Even moresurprising was the fact that she didn't doubt him for a second. In her phantasiesshe'd often wondered that if he ever came back how she would react and hadimagined to be afraid he'd leave her again. But somehow his letter had erased alldoubts. The fact that - although they'd been apart - he'd confided in her thatway ... it made her heart sing with joy and love. How could she have ever doubtedhim.

And she suddenly knew in her heart that their separation had been as hard for himas it had been for her if not even worse. Sure he had his friends, but therehadn't been another woman he could've turned to. He had been alone. Alone to faceDarla. Her heart ached thinking about it. She wished she could've been with him,although a little voice told her that maybe, just maybe he had needed exactlythat, had needed to overcome one of his greatest fears on his own to grow intothe man he was now.

He had changed so much she realised. Sure he had been uncertain regarding their relationship and so sweet, but it was the way he held himself now, the expressionin his wonderful dark eyes, the determination around his mouth. This wasn't theguilt ridden vampire she'd known anymore. This was Angel who had earned hisredemption, who had paid his bill, although she was sure that he would never beable to forget and it was good that way, because all these things made him to theincredible man who had blessed her with his love. Something that never ceased toamaze her.

She had to smile at that thought when she came down the stairs to follow Angelwho had gone ten minutes ago to make coffee for them and find something to eat,because none of them had even thought about it during the last 24 hours. As aresult both of them woke up with their stomachs rumbling, a fact that had madethem laugh together and made her heart almost burst with happiness. She hadn'tfelt that good, that free since the night of her 17th birthday. That was almost12 years ago and made her suddenly realise something she hadn't thought of sofar.


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So walking through the hall, dressed in his oversized sweatpants and one of hisdress-shirts she shouted, "Do you realise that I'm now older than you are. Notreally of course, but didn't you tell me you were 26 when you were turned and for this ...," the words died on her lips and a gasp escaped them in seeing theperson who was standing right in front of her handling the coffee machine and nowsmiling sheepishly at her.

"Hi B."

"F-Faith," Buffy had to clear her throat. "Hi."

Her sister-slayer quickly busied herself with the coffee, "Angel's gone to getsome dognuts and stuff. He'll be back in some minutes and as I was up he asked meto take care of the coffee." She didn't look up, but her hands stilled, her eyesfixed on the coffee machine as if waiting for whatever would happen to her now.

The blonde had to clear her throat again. "This ... that's nice. Thanks." God,she was almost 29 years old and couldn't remember ever having said something morestupid. "What are you doing here? No," she held up a hand. "This is stupid Buffytalking. Sorry. So rewind that. It's obvious that you are living here and itreally shouldn't surprise me. Angel always had a thing for you." She had to smile

when she saw Faith's shocked expression. "I'm not saying that you have *that*thing. No let's rewind that too. I know you haven't." She took a deep breath.

"Let's start again. And I know this is equally stupid, because you're standingright in front of me, but I thought you were in jail."

"I'm on parol," Faith replied still staring to the coffee machine.

"Oh, I see," Buffy said, then sighed and shook her head. "God, one should thinkwe should know what to say after so many years."

Abruptly the brunette's head jerked around and she stared at the blonde slayer,"I ... I'm sorry," she whispered.

And then the most unexpected happened, something Buffy felt utterly foolishabout, but without warning she laughed. She sobered instantly when she saw tearswelling up in Faith's eyes. Reaching out she touched the other woman's arm,"Faith, I'm sorry. I don't know why I laughed. Maybe because I was so tense andam still a bit uncertain although I'm happy too," she took another deep breath,"look at me. I'm a grown up slayer and still babbling as if I'm 15. Maybe ...maybe we could just take a cup each of us and ... talk?"

"Talk?"

"Yeah, you know, speaking ... words. Saying things. I did it with Angel yesterdayand it really helps," Buffy couldn't help but grin.

"But ... I never thought you would ... talk to me, that is," Faith's voice wasstill barely above a whisper and full of disbelief.

"Well, now you know better. Do you want? To talk, I mean?"

Clearing her throat again the brunette slayer busied herself with pouring coffeein two mugs. "Sure," she tried to sound as casual as possible but Buffy could seethe emotions welling up in the other woman. Holding a mug in each hand thebrunette motioned towards the lobby. "Let's ... let's go out there. Sitting ismuch more comfortable over there."

They sat down and Faith handed Buffy one of the steaming mugs. "It's ... good tosee you."


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"Really?" Buffy quirked a brow. "Why do you look at me then as if I came tothrottle you?"

"I...," the brunette cast her eyes down. "It's still difficult for me to ... toface you."

"Why? Because you tried to kill Angel or because you slept with my boyfriend inmy body?," she winced realising how hurt her voice still sounded. Damn. And shehad wanted to be funny. Big mistake. Seeing the other woman flinch she quicklyadded, "Sorry Faith, that didn't come out the right way. Truth is, Angel forgaveyou long ago and if he can do it then who am I not to." She smiled when she sawFaith's head snap up, her eyes widened in surprise.

She went on, "And for Riley," she shrugged. "Well, let's just say I found out hewasn't the precious gift he tried to make me believe he was. If it helps you letme tell you that our relationship had a serious blow when he started to letvampire whores suck his blood to feel even with me."

For a moment Faith could only stare at her, then she shook her head in disbelief and for the first time something like a smile crossed her lips, "What a sucker."

Buffy agreed with a firm nod, "You can say that. He told me I wouldn't love himenough and that he needed that to understand me. And then he made it up to me if he would stay. Xander convinced me that our relationship was worth saving andbecause I was afraid of being lonely I ran after him and I was desperate after heleft, but you know what. It didn't last long. And after a short while I was glad,because he was right, I wouldn't have been able to love him the way he wanted."

"Because you'll always love Angel," Faith stated and this time the blonde slayer stared at her. The brunette laughed, "Don't look like that. I've always known it.But you were good in hiding it. Much better than the big guy. When I came hereall these years ago, ready to kill him, he helped me. Because he understood, hewas probably the only one who could."

"I know," Buffy said quitely and a bit ashamed thinking back to that particular day.

"I told him I did screw up with you. I told him I slept with your boyfriend anddo you know what he said. He was confused and embarrassed and then stutteredsomething like 'Faith, you and I never...'." She let it stand like that for amoment to see Buffy's reaction. When she saw tears well up in her sister-slayer'seyes she nodded. "Exactly my reaction. I felt rotten because I threw it at himthat way. I thought he knew and told him so and he turned away and stuttered evenmore 'well, that is good, that's what I wanted for her'. And all the time I sawit broke his heart and I wanted to snap my neck because I'd been the one to doit. But he turned around and protected me, protected me even by going againstyou. Protected me although seeing you that moment after I ripped his heart outmust have been so more painful. That was the moment I realised there wassomething good in this world."

"Have you ever told him that?," Buffy couldn't stop the tears that ran down her face.

"No," Faith shook her head. "I think he knows though. God, that man is so unreal,but I'm so glad he is my friend." Suddenly uncertain she looked away, "that's atleast the way I see him. I know you'll be staying here now and I can go, but thatwon't change my feelings for him." And then she quietly added, "And I never thanked you for protecting me against those council-guys."

Buffy held up a hand, "No need. They were never my friends either. And aboutripping a heart into shreds, well, I think I played my part in this as well." She


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sighed and sipped at her coffee. "For me staying here." She could see thatFaith's eyes were instantly alert, "There is no need for you to go. Am I right toassume you're working for Angel?"

"Yeah."

"I thought so. And now that he is human he will need any help he can get. And who

could help better than a slayer ... or two."

"You mean...," Faith tried hard to hide the hope in her eyes and her voice.

"I mean maybe after all these years we can try to start fresh if we both want.Would you want?"

"I...," the brunette had problems to find her words. "Yes," she said finally. "Iwould love to, very much."

And they both smiled.

*

Five minutes later Angel entered the Hyperion Hotel again only to find the two

slayers sitting together, mugs in their hands and tears in their eyes. Maybe itwas a progress that they didn't try to beat each other into bloody pulps, butstill, "What's the matter?," he aksed concerned and looked at them.

To his great surprise Buffy jumped up, came to him, threw her arms around hisneck and caught his lips in a passionate kiss. When their lips finally parted allhe could do was say, "Wow."

"Did I ever tell you that you are the best boyfriend ever?," she gave him a mostbrilliant smile.

"No," he eyed her suspiciously and looked back and forth between the two slayers,"can somebody fill me in here?"

"We had a good talk," Faith replied and then suddenly began fidgeting with thehem of her shirt, "and I may have said some things about what a great friend youwere and are."

"I see," he nodded and gazed at Buffy again. Suddenly he grinned, "oh well, whydid I even ask. You can kiss me like that any time."

They all laughed when the door opened and Cordelia entered. Her first look wentto the couple in each others arms and then at the brunette slayer on the sofa.She raised a brow, "Obviously I've missed a lot. Morning together."

"Hi Cordy," Buffy smiled at her.

"Good Morning Cordelia," Angel pulled away from his girlfriend and put thedognuts he was carrying down on the table. "If anybody's hungry."

The door opened again, "Yo, Angel, just what I needed, man. I'm starving," Gunngrinned at his boss, walked over to the table and grabbed a dognut. "MorningFaith," he greeted the brunette slayer when his eyes fell on Buffy. "Good Morningbeautiful."

Cordelia shook her head, "Just ignore him. Tact is something he's never beenintroduced to. Buffy, that is Gunn, Gunn that's Buffy, she's a slayer and

Angel's," she hesiated for a short moment and then continued, "girlfriend."

"Wow, you don't loose time, do you, Angel," the black man couldn't stop grinning.


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"Hi Gunn," Buffy said dryly. "Good to see you've kept your humor after such along time with Cordy."

"No insults please," the brunette ex-mayqueen held up a hand, but she smiled."I'm much better these days. And about keeping his humor. You should better congratulate me for keeping mine. He was barely house-trained when he moved in

with me, I had a hard time." When she heard Gunn laugh she turned towards him,"As for Angel not loosing time. Let me tell you that they know each other a verylong time. Almost 13 years to be exact and unlike you he knew he loved her thefirst moment he saw her." With a smug look on her face she walked over to her desk and began to sort through the mail.

The others exchanged glances and bit their lips not to burst out laughing. Buffywas right, deep down Cordelia would always stay Cordelia.

Gunn was the first to break the the silence that had settled over the lobby, hecleared his throat, "Is there any coffee left?"

"Sure," Faith gestured with the mug in her hand towards the kitchen.

"Cordy, you want some?"

"Yes," she replied without looking up. Gunn grinned and disappeared from thelobby.

As soon as he was gone Cordelia turned around, "Buffy, I had several phonecallsyesterday night and even this morning." She gave the slayer and the ex-vampire apointed look.

The blonde rolled her eyes, "How often?"

"Let's think about it, Willow called three times, Giles four and Xander once, butonly to ask if you arrived safely as he could see how angry you were. So I toldhim I saw your car in front of the hotel while passing by."

Angel gave her an amused look, "Passing by?" The Hyperion Hotel was certainly noton a bypass from Sunnydale to Cordelia's apartment.

The former cheerleader let out an exasperated sigh, "Fine, so I deliberatelypassed by to see if she was okay. Sue me! After I realised what had happened over there I was glad that she arrived safely."

Buffy walked over to her and squeezed Cordelia's arm, realising it was the secondtime in less then 48 hours she did that. Funny how some people turned out to befriends and others ..., "Thanks," she said simply.

The former mayqueen rolled her eyes and sighed again, "Geez, one of these dayssomeone will start calling me St. Cordy. Stop thanking me." She shrugged theslayer's hand off but the look that passed between the two women said that theyboth were on their way to become friends after all these years. "Thanks," shesaid then when Gunn handed her a mug. "One question though, you were awafullycivil with them. If they'd done that to me I think I would've throttled Willowand Giles. I'm not sure about Xander. He seems genuinely sorry and that'ssomething new for him. Maybe he's grown up after all."

Before Buffy could answer, Faith stood up and walked over to the group, "What thehell are you talking about? Throttle Willow? B., I thought you both wereinseparable. Is that the reason you came here?"

"Partially, yes," the blonde answered honestly and exchanged a glance with Angel."It appeared that Angel wrote a letter to me some years ago and my so called


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friends thought I wasn't ready to read it. So they just decided to keep it awayfrom me. They were all in this, Giles, Xander, Willow, Riley, not that the lastone is important, but he knew too."

"And how did you find out?," Faith didn't want to sound curious, but damn, shewas.

"Angel came to Sunnydale two days ago and I was," she looked at him, "I treatedhim badly. Then I called off my wedding...,"

"Wedding?," Faith echoed, "Man, it seems there was a lot going on I didn't knowabout." Accusingly she looked at Cordelia who just shrugged.

"Why should I tell any of you? It was the wrong guy anyway," she said with a grintowards Angel, who winked in response.

"Brian," Buffy said to nobody in particular, "that was my fiance, was awonderful guy but as Cordelia put it so nicely, he *was* the wrong guy. Angel'svisit made me realise it. So he and I had a long night talking and in the morningwe parted as friends or at least I hope we did. When I came home I just wanted totell Willow that there was no need for her to get up. So I went into her room andthere was the letter on the floor," she finished with a deep breath. Angel

reached out, she took his hand and he pulled her to him.

"And Willow did that?," Faith shook her head. "I always thought she was your friend."

"Yeah," the blonde said, her voice hoarse, angrily she realised that again tearswere welling up in her eyes. Angel instantly pulled her closer and gently kissedher skull.

"Nice friends," Gunn commented dryly and yelped when Cordelia ellbowed him in hisribs. "What?," he looked at her, "I just made an observation. And I say who needsenemies having friends like these."

"Thanks, Gunn, we really needed that." The former mayqueen shook her head,collected the empty mugs and disappeared in the kitchen.

"Sorry," the black man gave Buffy an apologetic smile.

"No," she held up a hand. "You're right," she said and wiped a tear away that hadslipped from her lid. "They went behind my back, they betrayed me and Xander wasthe only one who apologized for it." She had to laugh, "Xander, imagine that. Hefelt guilty and bad for it. Still, he didn't tell me. So I really don't know howto feel about him."

"Let him feel bad for a while and then forgive him," Cordelia suggested comingback, "I think he really, genuinely feels sorry. He even asked me to say hi to

Angel from him." She grinned.

"Good Morning," came a voice from the entrance. Wesley held two newspapers in onehand and a briefcase in the other. "I see you're all ... Buffy," he stoppedseeing the blonde in Angel's arms. To her surprise a smile crept over his lips,"It's nice to see you again. Is it safe to say that you're not married."

"No, I'm not," she replied and blushed when Angel leaned over and whipsered 'notyet' in her ear.

"I'm happy to hear it," the former watcher stopped and coughed in embarrassment,"I mean I'm sorry, but ..."

"We know what you mean," Cordelia interrupted him dryly. "And we're all glad for


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Angel's sake," she looked at the slayer, "and for Buffy's. This marriage would'vebeen doomed from the start. And before you ask any more details I will tell youthe whole story." She took Wesley's elbow, "Come on, I'll get you some coffee."

Buffy's eyes followed them while they walked towards the kitchen, then she turnedso that her back leaned against Angel's chest. Instantly his arms encircled her waist. Sighing she snuggled deeper into his body.

"Are you okay?," he asked concerned.

"Hmmm," she made and gave Gunn and Faith a smile. "You know just two days ago Ifelt betrayed and desperate only to realise that I have more friends than Ithought."

"I knew that all the time," Angel replied and she knew he smiled.

"Yeah, yeah," she turned to face him and grinned, "I know you were always Mr.Wiseman."

"Did you ever doubt it?," he asked and raised a brow. She stood on her toes tokiss him.

"Come on, Gunn," Faith took his arm. "Let's join Wes and Cordy. This could easilybecome x-rated," she said when she saw the kiss between slayer and ex-vampirebecame more heated.

He shook his head and followed her, "And I always thought he was a paragon of virtue." Sighing dramatically, he added, "Seems I've been wrong again."

END

It was several weeks later when Buffy told Angel about Dawn. Somehow there hadnever been the time to do it before, never be the right moment. It didn'tsurprise her that Angel had no idea who her so called sister was. It just toldher that the monks hadn't done such a thorough job in installing her in their lives. And obviously the subject of Dawn had never come up during the rarecontacts between the gang in L.A. and Sunnydale.

She told him how shocked she'd been to find out she wasn't real. How much she gotused to the fact of having a sister, how much Dawn had helped her to get over thedeath of her mother and how betrayed she'd felt when the monks had taken her awayafter she'd served her purpose. Sealing the Hellmouth in Sunnydale forever. As aresult slaying had been much easier there, but still vampires came along andseveral demons had even tried to reopen the portal to hell.

Of course Angel had known about the closing of the Hellmouth. Buffy would've beensurprised if he hadn't, but what surprised her was the fact that he seemed toknow everything about her life. Looking back she felt a bit ridiculous thinkinghow she'd told him about the events of her life. But he assured her that therewas no need for it. To hear that Spike had told him first hand about Parker wasstill shocking though.

And again she realised how much harder their breakup had been for him. There hadbeen no life waiting for him. He had left Sunnydale expecting to live separatedfrom mankind again. Only the Powers That Be had another purpose for him. Buffyrealised that she was almost greedy to hear about all the details and facts inhis life. She craved to know everything, not only the general survey. To her great joy Angel never grew tired to answer her questions and step by step theybecame closer and closer again.

Buffy had to laugh when after some weeks Cordelia remarked that she found itcreepy the way slayer and ex-vampire understood each other without words. But


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besides that the former mayqueen was more than supportive of their relationshipand she and Buffy had become close friends. The two couples often went outtogether for dinner or a drink. Gunn and Angel were close friends as well andBuffy grew to like the black man a lot. He was funny, knew many things and wasloyal to the bone.

Buffy and Faith took over the slaying during nights sometimes accompanied by

Angel who wasn't able to give it up completely but who was reasonable enough torealise that he wasn't really a match for the vampires anymore. Still he was abig help not at least because of his centuries of training and his knowledge thathe shared whenever it was needed.

So Buffy blended easier than expected into the life in L.A., but still - as muchas she wanted to deny it - there was this cut deep inside her heart, the factthat her friends in Sunnydale had gone behind her back, betrayed her. And as hardas she tried the hurt wouldn't let go.

It was four weeks after she'd moved to L.A. and another night during which Angelwoke her up from a nightmare and held her sobbing form in his arms when Cordeliaannounced that Xander and Anya would be coming to L.A. the same afternoon.

They were all seated in the lobby, drinking coffee and chewing dognuts Wesley had

bought on his way to the hotel when the former mayqueen made her announcement. Itwas done almost casually, but her eyes showed that she was perfectly aware of thefact she'd just dropped a little bombshell.

Angel felt his girlfriend immediately tense at his side, the dognut in her handstopped in midair and her hand froze around the mug she'd been about to take fromthe table.

"Oh fun," Faith said sarcastically, her eyes quickly darting towards her sister slayer.

"Yeah, well, what can I say," Cordelia shrugged and exchanged a glance with her boyfriend, who was happily chewing his dognut, completely unaware of the tensionthat had suddenly settled over the room. "He phoned yesterday night to say he wascoming and," she coughed slightly and blushed, "well ... he ..."

Gunn patted her knee and grinned, "What my woman wants to say is that the callcame in the middle of something very important," he gave the others a pointedlook, "so we didn't really pay attention. She was just mumbling something like'okay' and hung up."

"He might have asked if it was okay to come," the former mayqueen admittedsheepishly, "but, well." She gave Buffy and Angel an apologetic smile.

"Buffy," Angel took his lover's hand and gave a concerned look, "I can try to gethim on the phone and ..."

"No," she shook her head and gazed at him, "it's okay." Seeing the doubt in hiseyes she smiled, "It really is. I have to face them sooner or later right? AndXander is the right one to begin with. He *was* sorry after all, so he's probablythe easiest and I think there's a lot he and I have to talk about."

"If you're sure," he said hesitantly.

"I am," she leaned over and brushed his lips with hers. "I really am. I knew Icouldn't avoid them forever. I know I said I didn't want to see them ever again,"she quickly glanced at Cordelia, "but I know it's not possible. I will have tosee Giles sooner or later. I mean the moment some demon arrives there he'llprobably call. So there's no way to delay that forever. I still don't know aboutWillow though."


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She shook her head and leaned her it at Angel's shoulder, while his arm that wasdraped around her waist, pulled her closer. "Somehow her betrayal is still theworst. Riley isn't important, Xander didn't surprise me because he always hated

Angel and Giles," she sighed, "as rational as he might be, he'll probably never be able to completely lay his problems with Angelus at bay. And Angel still wearsthe face of the demon or the demon wore his, however you want to put it."

They were all quiet for a moment and then she added, "But Willow... I mean she... she ...," Buffy sighed again and shook her head, "I don't really get it. Whydid she do it? Because the letter came to our dorm, so she must have been theperson to hide it in the first place."

"Maybe I'm not the right person to say this now," Cordelia said after another short silence, "because she and I never got along well, but Willow has oneserious flaw." She took a sip from her coffee and went on, "She always wanteverybody happy around her. She needs the ideal life, she can't stand peoplemoping or grieving. And as much as she's into her witchcraft she'd very muchprefer a world without vampires."

"You really think that?," Buffy asked after a moment.

"Yeah," the former mayqueen nodded. "All her nervous babbling and asking if everybody is happy. The way she hated me for dating Xander because I didn't fitinto her private, happy universe," she shrugged. "So she tries everything to makepeople happy and if they aren't she sinks into serious denial. Just think aboutit, Buffy, what would've happened if you'd read the letter."

"Oh, Cordy, that's the question I've asked myself about a thousand times the lastfour weeks," the slayer replied with a sigh and put her hand over Angel's thatwas laying on her hipbone.

"Maybe we will never know," the brunette said with a shrug, "but I think Willowwas afraid you would begin to doubt your relationship with the perfect soldier boy, be alone and miserable, waiting for your chace with Angel or maybe evendating some guys but never get serious. That's certainly not something she wantsin her book of life."

"If you ask me, that girl is in need of some serious therapy," Gunn remarked witha shake of his head.

When everyone was looking at Faith as if waiting for a comment, she held up ahand, "Don't ask me guys, she never liked me and after she found out I screwedher childhood love ... well, let's just say I wasn't fitting in either."

"But she has her good sides too," Buffy almost unconsciously defended her former friend. "She has been supportive so many times. When nobody wanted accept Angelafter he came back from hell she was the one...," she stopped and shook her head."Did I actually defend her?," she asked nobody in particular and sighed. "Well,let's deal with them one by one. I suppose after Xand will come this afternoon itwon't be long until the others will appear on our doorstep.

*

For Buffy the hours until afternoon crawled and she was looking at the clockevery five minutes. Angel tried to distract her but he could feel the tensionwouldn't let go completely.

When finally the door opened and a very pregnant Anya followed by her husbandstepped in it was almost a relief.

Xander seemed equally tense as the slayer had been the whole day, but he tried to


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plaster a smile on his face when he greeted the people assembled inthe lobby."Hey, L.A.-crew," he said and gave everybody a nod but avoided eye-contact withBuffy or Angel. It had been a long time since he'd seen the former vampire andespecially after the secret with the hidden letter had been revealed he

wasn'tsure how to act around him.

Still he almost doubled over when his eyes fell on Faith. The brunetteslayer

chuckled in seeing his stunned expression, "Hi Xander," she smirked. "I bet younever expected to see me."

"N-no," he managed to stutter and unconsciously stepped back, bumping right into his wife who glared athim in response. Why on earth hadn't Cordy told him the brunette slayer was now with them.

"No need to panic," Faith grinned. "I'm not going to hurt you - yet. Not that Idon't think you need to get your ass kicked for what you did to Buffy and Angel,but you at least seem to be sorry." She yawned and stood up. "Somehow I'msuddenly very tired. Maybe I should take a nap." Pointedly she looked at Wesley

who needed a second to understand.

"Oh, yes," he struggled to get up as well. "I really need to research that demonwe were talking about lately."

"I think that's our cue as well," Gunn took his girlfriend's hand.

"You don't have to go," Buffy said.

"Oh I think we do," Cordelia gave her a quick smile. "Maybe we can do somethingtogether tonight," she suggested looked to the both couples. "Just let us know.We're at home."

"Yeah, well give us an hour or two, then we might not be that busy anymore," Gunngrinned over his shoulder and yelped when his lover punched him in his ribs.

Angel chuckled slightly at their retreiving backs while Buffy shook her head, "Atleast it's never boring when they're around." She fell silent all of a sudden andit seemed as if she'd just now realised that she, Angel, Xander and Anya were theonly ones left in the lobby. An awkward silence settled over the room and theywere busy staring at the ceiling or their legs, everywhere but in each otherseyes.

Finally Angel was the one to break the silence, "Well," he said, "why don't yousit down. Can I get you something? Coffee, tea?"

"No coffee for me," Anya said gesturing at her protruding stomach and took a seatopposite to Buffy, while her husband sat down beside her.

"So tea it is," Angel looked at Xander and when he nodded in confirm he left thefor the kitchen.

"So how was your drive down here?," Buffy asked to find something, anything, toavoid another silence.

"Good," Anya replied, sensing the slayer's intention. More than ten years amonghumans had shown success and she was almost acting normal now. Almost. "It has tobe quite inspiring," she said, "to have a lover that yummy."

"Excuse me," her husband stared at her.


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"Angel," she said mercelessly. "I mean I saw him once or twice but there's reallysomething to be said about vampires. They're well preserved at least."

"Why, thank you," Xander's voice was pure sarcasm.

Anya patted his knee, "Don't be hurt. You're still the one I prefer giving me

my o ...," the last second she stopped herself and said instead, "I wouldn'texchange you for another husband."

Buffy coughed slightly and grinned at Angel who was just coming back with thetea. "Here you go," he placed two cups in front of their guests and settled downagain beside his girlfriend.

"So," Xander cleared his throat, "You two then?"

"Yes," the slayer nodded and snuggled closer into Angel's side. "Did you doubtit?"

"No," he shook his head and had to smile. "Not really. Maybe we just didn't wantto see it. Maybe...," he stopped and shook his head again, "first of all I thinkI owe you an apology. Both of you," he added and looked at Angel. "Maybe I just

start at the beginning if this is okay for you. I know that you don't need tolisten to any explanation from my side, but," he shrugged, "I also know that itdoesn't excuse things. Still...," he took a deep breath and suddenly couldn't sitanymore.

Patting his wife's knee he stood up and began to pace the lobby. "I have to goback quite a bit with this. Before Buffy came to Sunnydale I was living therelike all the others. I knew that something wasn't quite right but I gave in todenial, because I was too young to deal with it maybe. More likely because I was

just as ignorant as the others. I mean who am I kidding," he said and gesturedwith his hands, "I'm the average guy," he grimaced, "or maybe not. Maybe I'm afreak. Who knows."

He sighed, "But then one morning I'm on my way to school and 'bang' there she is.I admit that I was an extremely hormone driven teenager, but Buffy on the stepsof my highschool was just wow." He had to grin remembering that special morning.

"Jesse, Willow and I grew up together," he continued and looked at Angel again,"Jesse was a friend of mine. He and I were close," he had to swallow. "Anyway. Hehad a crush on Cordelia for I don't know how long and now my mouth was wateringwhen I came across Buffy. We were all loosers, Jesse and I never had a girlfriendand Willow," he sighed again, "she was so shy." He stopped his pacing and faced

Angel and Buffy.

"And then one night our world turned upside down. This Darla-chick and some other vampires decided to have us three as their midnight snacks, then suddenly Buffyappears and saves our asses." He took a deep breath and crossed his arms. "Andthen Giles gives us the talk about vampires and the slayer. I couldn't believe itat first or didn't want to. But I knew it was true and what was even worse wasthe fact that they'd taken Jesse. Buffy and I went to look for him and when wefinally found him...," he had to swollow hard. "They had turned him. My friendJesse was a vampire and in the end I staked him. I didn't want to and it justhappened but still..."

Xander looked at Buffy for a moment and began to pace again, "From that moment onI hated vampires. For me they were the reason all the horrible things hadhappened. They had taken one of my two childhood friends from me. The funny thingis," he stopped and looked at them again, "I didn't even realise how deep it wentuntil some years ago when I finally found out how much I loved Anya and how I hadtried to deny it because she'd been a demon once."


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He took the offered hand of his wife, rounded the sofa and sat down beside her."I had a long way to go to accept the world the way it was. Where was I, oh yes.So I hated vampires and then Buffy, the girl I lusted after, the hero who wentout, night after night, to kill them, fell for one. Again my whole world cametumbling down." He looked at Angel, "I didn't want you there. Partly because Ididn't like the competition although I soon realised that I had no chance with

her. But it bugged me to no end that I had tried everything to get her attentionand you just had to be there and her eyes would light up." He shook his headagain.

"But mostly because for me you were nothing more than a vampire, the very thing Ihated with my entire being. And then I hated you even more because I came torespect you. You saved our lives, you never expected us to thank you and I hatedthat selfless act of yours. Do you understand what I mean?"

"You didn't want to be grateful to something you wanted to hate. You didn't wantto see the shades of gray. Oh yes, Xander I understand you," Angel said with anod. "Black and white is so much easier."

"Yeah," the other man replied. "It is. But finally, as much as I tried not to, Ibegan to see you as part of the group. Willow was exstatic in her typical manner,

always romancing about the great love between a slayer and a vampire and Istarted to get a crush on Cordy, so even my jealousy wasn't as strong anymore.

And Giles accepted you too."

"But then it happened and Angel changed," Buffy supplied.

"Yeah," he nodded. "It was the typical situation 'I said you so'. All I wantedwas to get rid of him. I hated you," he gazed at the former vampire, "even morethan the others because you had been able to hurt her deeply, you almostdestroyed her and I didn't give a damn that it wasn't you. So you went to helland I thought my world was right agin, but it wasn't. Far from it!," he admitted.

"Buffy was a shell. Willow tried to get her to date that looser Scott, but we allknew she couldn't get over you and then you were back. Snap and you were back inour lives. And before I could start hating you again you saved Willow's life andthen mine when psycho-slayer tried to strangle me." He took his cup and drank alarge gulp, burning his tongue in the process. Holding the cup in both hands hewent on.

"So there I was again. Trying to hate you and somehow not able to." He shook hishead, "I don't know how to explain this. By that time my relationship with Cordyhad been reduced to nothing, she treated me like a bug again. I know now that shewas just trying to protect herself because I hurt her deeply. Some years ago shetold me I had been the first person she'd opened up herself to. Of course I wastoo dense to realise it then."

He ran a hand through his hair, "But let's come back to the subject. So when Angel finally decided to leave Sunnydale I was glad because I couldn't make up mymind when it came to him. And I saw how much it threw you that you couldn't beclose," he gave Buffy a smile. "So I honestly thought it was for the best. Atfirst you were moping and sad and I wanted to kill Parker for doing what he didbecause it was something you really didn't need right then. But then came Riley.

"Looking back I don't know if I really believed it or if I just wanted to believethat he was the right guy for you. But you seemed okay with him, he was caringfor you, he tried everything to make you happy. He certainly wasn't completelynormal, but at least more normal than you first and not dumping you like thatslimy bastard Parker. And Riley had another big plus, he was human. So for once Ihad my black and white," he quickly glanced at Angel who smiled, "and everythingseemed right for me or as right as it could be with all the demons and vampires


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around us.

"Of course there was still Spike but he wasn't a real threat and he was evil so Icould just tune him out as annoying as he was sometimes." He took a deep breathand finally pushed the subject he'd been running around the whole speech. "Andthen the letter came. I can clearly remember Willow's phonecall, she was babblingon the phone and then wanted us to meet at Giles. But only Riley, me and her

beside the G-man. Willow, Riley and Giles soon agreed that it was for your bestnot to show it to you."

He put his cup down and stared at it for a moment, "After a while they convincedme that it was. I didn't like the idea at the beginning. As much as I dislikedDead-Boy, it just didn't feel right. It was your letter and it was very personal.I wanted to run when Willow started reading it aloud. But somehow their argumentssounded logical. Willow's and Giles' that was. Riley," he shrugged, "I wasn't sosure about him. He felt that you were slipping from him, that you never trulyloved him and for him Angel's letter was a threat. So if it had only been him Iwould've said no. But Willow's and Giles' concern seemed so genuine."

He dared to look at slayer and ex-vampire again and then threw his hands in theair, "So we did it. We hid the letter and I felt like the greatest liar in theuniverse, until ... until you started dating Brian. You seemed so perfect

together. He is a great guy and when you announced your engagement I wasconvinced we did the right thing. After all Angel had written himself that it wasunlikely he'd become human in your lifetime." He let out an unhappy laugh and for a moment burried his face in his hands.

Then he looked up again, "But seeing you two together now, boy was I wrong! I'venever seen Buffy like that. Honestly. Never. Before there was always ... I don'tknow. Somehow it was forbideen, not possible. And the other guys, even Brian,were nothing but a substitute, a desperate try to escape the loneliness. Butseeing you now," he gave them his first genuine smile, "it's perfect." Then heleaned back pulled Anya's hand to his mouth and kissed it. "Just like us," headded.

Buffy had listened during his entire speech and now she couldn't help the tearswelling up in her eyes, "Oh Xand," she said her voice full of emotion. "You arehorrible. I wanted to hate you for what you did and now...," she sniffed andturned her head into Angel's chest who smiled at the other man.

"You've certainly grown up, Xander," he said.

"That's what life and love do to you," Xander replied simply. Then he added, "andthe fact that I'll be a father soon. Gives you some insight."

Still sniffing, Buffy looked at him again, "I'm still mad at you," she told him.

"I know. I expected that," he grinned, knowing that they'd made the first bigstep to save their friendship.

"But you seem to be truly sorry and I can understand what was going on inside of you. What about you?," she looked at Angel.

"I'm okay with it. I mean, who am I to be unforgiving. But don't hurt her again,do you understand?," he sharply glanced at Xander who nodded in response.

"Understood," he said. "And I won't, well, at least not intentionally."

"Can we now call Cordelia and Gunn," Anya suggested out of the blue. "I'mstarving and all this angst makes it even worse."

Xander laughed, "That's my love, always direct."


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"Good for her," Buffy grinned at the former demon who smiled back. "Let's callCordy." She looked around and saw Xander holding up a hand.

"I won't do it. Yesterday was embarrassing enough. I think I interruptedsomething."

"Angel?," the slayer gazed at her boyfriend with puppy dog eyes.

He rolled his, "You're impossible." He sighed, "Fine. I'm calling her. We canhave dinner here or somewhere out. What do you prefer?"

"Out," came her quick reply and she gazed at Xander, "I think we have a reason tocelebrate. We saved a friendship." Her friend of many years gave her a gratefullook.

"Out it is," the former vampire kissed her lightly on the cheek and stood up."Formal or casual?"

"Casual," Xander replied, "We didn't bring anything formal because we weren'tsure...," he trailed off and exchanged another glance with Buffy.

And while Angel called Cordelia and Gunn and understanding passed between them.They had still a long way to go to reinstall the trust that had been destroyedbetween them. But they'd taken the first step and they both knew that given timeit would be okay.

END --- but this series will be continued eventually!

They all knew the call would come sooner or later, but when it came it was stilla shock.

It was Monday morning when Cordelia picked up the phone still laughing about oneof Gunn's jokes when her face suddenly fell, she turned round and her voice

dropped to a whisper. Still they could all hear to whom she was talking at theother end.

"What demon? ... so you think you can't handle it ... hmmm ... serious ... no, NOGiles! I won't give you Buffy," her voice was rising now. "No," she said firmly."But you can talk to Wesley or Angel, it's your choice... Fine," she let out asigh and turned around, "Giles wants to talk to you Angel."

He nodded and walked over to the phone but without letting go of Buffy's handthat he'd been squeezing all the time. The slayer's face was pale, her body rigidas if fighting for control.

"Giles," the ex-vampire took the receiver from Cordelia and listened. "I see." Hetook a deep breath, "She'll be there tonight." Looking at Buffy he amended,"We'll all be there... Yes, Faith too. ... I thought Xander would tell you about

her ... see you then. Bye." Turning towards his crew who had gathered in thelobby by now, he said, "They have a Turmalion demon in Sunnydale. Giles thinksthey can't handle it on their own." Turning towards his girlfriend he pulled her into his arms, "Are you okay?"

She shrugged but avoided looking into his eyes, "Sure. We all knew that day wouldcome."

"Buffy, you don't have to go. A Turmalion demon isn't that strong. Faith couldhandle it."


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"Sure," the brunette slayer offered from behind. "A Turmal ... whatever ... Islay them before breakfast."

"No." Buffy gave her a grateful smile but shook her head, "This is my duty. Maybe... maybe it's best this way. Sooner or later I would've to face Willow andGiles." She leaned her head against Angel's chest and muttered, "Later would'vebeen better though."

He kissed her skull and tightened his embrace, "It'll be alright, you'll see."

"If they give you trouble they'll have to answer me," Cordelia said with a smile.

"Hey, maybe they're still scared of me," Faith grinned. "I mean I could try tolook dangerous..."

Buffy turned around and gave her a smile, "Thanks, but I think I can handle it.They should be afraid to face me not vica-versa." She felt much better receivingso much support from her friends ... the real ones ... including Cordelia, shethought, inwardly shaking her head in amazement. Who would've thought all theseyears ago.

"That's my Buffy," Angel gave her a brilliant smile and kissed her forehead.

"Give it to them!"

"We will all be with you," Gunn came around Cordelia's desk to stand beside hisgirlfriend and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

"They won't even have time to annoy you," the fromer may-queen remarked with agrin, "because they'll have problems to close their mouths seeing me with a guylike him." With this she wriggeld away from Gunn and shot him a nasty look.

Sighing he shook his head, "See what I have to endure all the time."

******

"I'm so nervous," Willow was pacing the living-room of the apartment she sharedwith Giles since Buffy had left Sunnydale.

"Maybe you should just sit down," the watcher suggested.

"Sit down?," she echoed. "You've gotta be kidding. If I'd drunk lots of coffee this morning I couldn't be jumpier. My nerves are in overdrive. Itwas such an ugly scene before she left and I haven't talked to her since." She sighed and finally *did* sit down. "She even sent Cordeliaand Wesley to get her stuff." Then she gave him an annoyed glance,"Aren't you nervous at all?"

"I am," he replied and gave her a tight smile. "But I've learned that jumping around like this doesn't help. Maybe our news will help toease the waves."

"As if she'd be interested in them!" The witch shook her head, "After what Xander told me she's not interested in Sunnydale and usanymore. Oh Rupert," she lookedat him unhappily, "what if she's never going to forgive me! I did itbecause Ithought it best for her. I still do!," she began to defend herself. "I meanlookat it from today. What if we'd shown the letter to her? She would've gone to

Angel and waited for him. At that point he still was a vampire with a fragilesoul. She'd spent years of her life just waiting for him. Waiting for somethingthat might not have happened until today." She stood again and threw her hands in


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the air, "Nobody knew it was going to happen so soon."

"I know," Giles pulled his glasses from his nose and began to rub them with thehem of his shirt. "But it's fact that if she hadn't found the letter by accidentshe would've married Brian."

"And this would've been such a bad thing because?," she shot back. "Brian loved

her, he still does. I just met him and his heart is broken. I swear he lost tenpounds and he misses her so much. And Buffy loved him too. She told me herself.She sat on the

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