Remarriage and Step Families

Famous Remarriages

Increase in the early 1990s

More familiar with the costs and benefits

Intimacy and companionship

Romance and sexual expression

Remarriage

Slow and complex

Balancing career, kids, extended family and new marriage

Takes an estimated 4-7 years to adjust.

Difficult Adjustment

40% of remarriages (with kids) separate by 4 years.

By 10 years, 47% of those with kids separate.

Higher separation/divorce rate than 1st marriages

Statistics

MistakeDifficulties with

children cause the split.

Occurs early (first 5 years)

Rushed, did not consider feelings of children

Unable to establish stable family system

Bringing in old issues, habits.

Work and in-laws prevent the stabilizing of new marriage.

Marriage – Round 2

Failure

Bringing baggage, previous marriage

Unsettled emotional issues

Greater involvement in work – later life

New marital, spouse and parent roles to rework

Inability to form new family habitsUnrealistic expectations for the marriage

Lack of Stability

Stages of a Successful RemarriageRecovery, Inclusion, Marital Sub-System

Emotional, social and physical strain of first marriage

“getting over” grief, anger, jealousy, resentment

Achieving stability on your own before 2nd marriage

1. Recovery

Consider new family, kids and current in-laws

How will the new family system operate?

Open or closed? Contact with ex-spouses?

Crucial for benefit of children

2. Inclusion

Establishing sub-system of how new family will function

Clear boundaries for both partners

Decide priorities – parental and spousal

Emphasize “we” problem solving

3. Marital Sub-System

More practical than romantic

Supporting and raising children

Supporting each other in later life

Can deal with conflict despite “eyes” of kids, in-laws, ex-spouses.

Remarriages That Last

Parent-child relationships is older than the new marriage.

Stigma and stereotyping

Intruder?

Resent attempts at intimacy.

Step Parents and Siblings

Re-adjustment of birth order status

Rivalry caused by conflicting personalities

Parent loyalty, “siding”

“sudden siblings” and repressed attraction

Step-Siblings

No obvious ones!

Least successful? Don’t try to be a “healer”Those that demand intimacy

Most successful?Between parent and trusted friendModel after in-laws

Step-Parent Role Models

Traditional BenefitsDual income

Financial stability

Partner support (emotional and social)

“two heads” are better

Little improvement to child’s well-being

Child distress and mental health issues

Educational difficulty

Worse for boys than girls

Remarriage – Costs & Benefits

Practical Costs

Remarriage later in life

Need for adult children’s approvalLoyalty to old parentAssume the worst (marry for money)

This stage in life remarriage indicates earlier successes

Men are more likely to remarry than women.

Widows and Widowers