Helping Families Have Hard conversations

Helping Families Have Hard Conversations

March 16. 2016@docgresh

Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology

Taboo Topics


Taboo Topics

• Sex


Taboo Topics

• Sex• Bodily functions


Taboo Topics

• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness


Taboo Topics

• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness• Social isolation


Taboo Topics

• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness• Social isolation• Death


Taboo Topics

• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness• Social isolation• Death• Money


What have the effects of conversational taboos been

on you?


Conversational taboos

• Reduce conflict, anxiety, embarrassment and emotionality




• Lack of practice needed for skill development




• Lack of practice needed for skill development

• Planning for predicable events is avoided


• Lack of training

Effects of conversational taboos on professionals


• Lack of training• Clients enter into our

practices in crisis and conflict



• Lack of training• Clients enter into our

practices in crisis and conflict

• Professionals have not worked through their own issues



Elders

• Retirement issues


Elders

• Retirement issues• Financial capacity/financial resource

issues


Elders


issues• Preparation for role reversals


Elders


issues• Preparation for role reversals• Illness/Disability/Death


Elders


issues• Preparation for role reversals• Illness/Disability/Death• Estate and inheritance issues


Process• Learning how to step out of an

interaction and comment on what is happening




• A learned skill




• A learned skill• Reduces conflict and gives a

framework for the interaction




• A learned skill• Reduces conflict and gives a

framework for the interaction• BEGIN HERE


Process characteristics

Transparent vs PrivateHierarchical vs DemocraticCommunicated vs AssumedInclusive vs ExclusiveConsensual vs LegalOpen vs Constricted



• Begin with process comments

Hard Conversations



• What, Who, When, Where, How

Hard Conversations




• Make requests

Hard Conversations




• Make requests• Collaborate on the

guidelines

Hard Conversations




• Make requests• Collaborate on the

guidelines• Notes, time limits, keeping

guidelines, next steps

Hard Conversations

Hard Conversations

• Prepare for emotionality


Hard Conversations

• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict


Hard Conversations

• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict• Practice/Role Play


Hard Conversations

• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict• Practice/Role Play• An Experiment


Hard Conversations

• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict• Practice/Role Play• An Experiment• Use the following skills


Active Listening


Reframing


Core Concerns underlying Emotions


Affiliation


Autonomy


Status


Role


Model of families under financial stress


Affluent families• Pressure for achievement,

excellence, perfection, image• Lack of emotional closeness to busy

parents• Materialistic values• Lack of intrinsic motivation, family

chores and roles• Substance abuse rates



• Agreement to meet• Guidelines• Non-threatening topics• Fun included

How to get started?


Generational Profiles


Family History

Values conversations• Safe, non-judgmental, structured



• Differences acknowledged and integrated



• Differences acknowledged and integrated

• Related to age, gender, culture, behavior


The United States• Unusually high on Achievement• Unusually low on Universalism


The United States• Unusually high on Achievement• Unusually low on Universalism• Higher ratings on Stimulation,

Hedonism, Self-direction


The United States• Unusually high on Achievement• Unusually low on Universalism• Higher ratings on Stimulation,

Hedonism, Self-direction• Lower on Tradition, Conformity,

Security


Benefits of Identifying Values

• Non-judgmental way to approach differences




• Guides decision-making




• Guides decision-making• Clarifies differences by generation,

age, gender, family, culture, country




• Guides decision-making• Clarifies differences by generation,

age, gender, family, culture, country• Non-threatening way to discuss

discrepancy between beliefs and behaviors


Challenges


Helping Families Have Hard conversations

Law

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