7/27/2019 Headline News and Topical Jokes

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Headline News/Topical Jokes

Congressman Anthony Wiener appears to be back to his old ways after being accused of

exchanging multiple sexts with a 22 year old woman under the alias Carlos Danger. Weirdly

enough, in the race for Mayor, Wiener has managed to stay on top of the polls, even though it

appears he cant stay on top on his.

New York Mayoral Candidate Anthony Wiener recently admitted to social networking site

BuzzFeed that his sexting scandal has unfortunately hurt his wife Humas political aspirations,

instead of helping them like sending someone a picture of your penis usually does.

The Huffington post announced that filmmaker George Lucas and his wife, Mellody, welcomed

a baby girl into the world over the weekend. George said the baby is doing fine, but he still

plans to alter and re-release it in a couple of years.

New England Patriots Quarterback Tim Tebow had a rough debut in his first preseason game

playing poorly in relief of starter Tom Brady. Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez passed some

words of encouragement onto his old teammate, but they were unfortunately intercepted before

they could reach him.

In other NFL news, Commissioner Roger Goodell came out last week saying he was going to

crack down on touchdown celebrations this year after an pre-season full of off the field

distractions. Many fans have complained saying, Is this the NFL or prison? Nobut seriously, is

this the NFL or prison?

Prince William and Kate Middleton swept the nation by storm after giving birth to their first

child, a baby boy. The child weighed 8lb, 6 oz, which is ironic since thats the most it will ever

need to lift the rest of his natural life.

A study carried out by the American Sociological Association found that under one-third of

college students have had more than one sexual partner in the past year, which is strange since

it seems like current New York Politicians have had more than one sexual partner in the past 12

minutes.

Robot building company Robugtix has recently released a line of 8-legged robotic Tarantulas

that is being marketed for pranking friends and scaring strangers. Robugtix said the robot is

crazy popular with kids who couldnt stop laughing during the first 20 minutes of the movie

Up.

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New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie spent his Monday morning collecting donations for a national

political organization that aims to elect more Republicans inside state legislatures, thus making

it the first time the Governor has actually raised some dough without eating all of it.

A new study at the CNN news desk posed the question Can Men and Women stay friends

after a break-up? Spoiler Alert: No.

The first ever lab-grown in-vitro burger was tested by 3 lucky consumers yesterday. The

reviews were mixed, with one saying not bad while another yelled, YOURE NOT MY REAL

MEAT!

Optometrists in Japan are warning against a trend among teenagers that involves them

expressing their affection by licking each others eyeballs. However, the Japanese teens clarified

their actions saying that while eyeball licking is great, its no where near as good as the make-

up Ear smelling.

In other Japanese news, a factory in the Asian country began production on a one of a kind

concoction, combining soda and chips in their brand new Pepsi Flavored Doritos. When asked

where they came up with the idea, the creators coughed up a pile of smoke while asking what

year it was.

A new study on young adults showed that smoking alcohol has become a popular trend among

teenagers looking for a good time. When asked if they knew of an easier way to consume the

alcohol, the teens replied no and began lighting up a double cheeseburger.

It was confirmed today that Mel Gibson has landed the coveted role of the villain in the highly

anticipated third installment of The Expendables franchise. Gibson said hes been training for

the role by googling himself.

The star of the Discovery Channel show Amish Mafia, Alan Beiler, was arrested and sentenced

to two years in prison for eluding police and drug possession. Beiler said jail will be pretty

rough, except for how everything will be exactly the same.

Rock and Roll legend Mick Jagger will be celebrating his 70th birthday on Friday, which is ironic

since it is the same number as the amount of minutes it takes him to put his skin on in the

morning.

Sylvester Stallone is set to reprise his role as Rocky in the upcoming film about the grandson of

his rival, Apollo Creed. This will be the 7th time Stallone plays the character of Balboa and the 3rd

time that hell actually remember it.

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Social Networking site Twitter announced that it would finally be cracking down on abusive

and offensive tweets, unfortunately, the policy was established before the majority of harm was

already done *Flash to Graphic of Geraldo Riveras shirtless Twitter picture*

Geraldos revealing Twitpic caused quite a storm over the Twittersphere, although it finally

answered the question: No, the carpet does not match the mustache.

4 year old Robert Tufts has successfully been re-elected as Mayor of his home town in Dorset,

Minnesota, a town so small it only holds over 20 people. The results were groundbreaking, as it

made Tufts just the 2nd government official to find out he won the election in the middle of

naptime *Cut to Graphic of G.W. Bush*