Binah July 2, 201222

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HE IS NICELY DRESSED AND WELL-GROOMED. HE HAS REGULAR WELL-VISITS AND DENTAL EXAMS, AND BRINGS NUTRITIOUS SNACKS ANDLUNCHES TO SCHOOL. HIS HOMEWORK IS DONE AND HIS TESTS ARE

SIGNED. HE IS A GOOD STUDENTAND GETS ALONG WELL WITH HIS FRIENDS.

AND THERE IS AHUGE HOLE IN THE CENTEROF HIS LIFE, BECAUSE HIS FATHER

IS NOT HOME.

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ometimes, it’s due todeath. In other cases, his

parents may be divorced, and in spite ofthe determination of both parents to doright by their children, the stark factremains that he goes home at night toa house where one of his parents —more often than not, the male one — isnot there.

As individuals and as a community,Jews care deeply about each other.When we see a lack or a need, ourinstinct is to reach out and help. Butsometimes the problems simmerbeneath the surface and are not readilyvisible. Or perhaps we try to reach outwith the best of intentions, only to missthe mark, fumble the ball, and leave therecipients of our largesse resentful anddisturbed.

Our goal in raising this issue is topresent our readers with theaccumulated insight of those on theinside — mothers, rabbis, therapists,and educators — who walk thepathways of the Land of AbsentFathers. They know what’s needed, theyknow what works, and they know whathurts.

THE MECHANCHIMHaving been orphaned of his father

in his early teens, Rabbi Yaakov Bender,

Menahel of Yeshiva Darchei Torah in FarRockaway, New York, is uniquelysensitive to the plight of fatherlesschildren. He recently appointed his son,Rabbi Avraham Bender, a second-graderebbi, as assistant principal of theyeshivah’s elementary school. In thisdual role, the younger Rabbi Benderfinds himself deeply involved withchildren from divorced homes. “In theentire elementary school there areperhaps three orphans, but far morefamilies where the parents aredivorced,” he relates.

“As a second-grade rebbi, I shmoozewith these kids out of the classroom. Iask them, ‘Did you learn with yourfather? Where did you go to shul?’ Ifound that many of them were notgoing. In the last five years or so, there’sbeen an explosion of Avos Ubanimprograms, which is a good thing — butthese children are simply not leavingtheir houses!”

Rabbi Avraham Bender startedtaking along five or six children fromsingle-parent homes when he went tolearn with his own sons. “One time, myfather saw me going into shul for AvosUbanim with all these kids in tow. Hesaid, ‘Dayeinu! We have to do more, inan organized way, for these kids!’ Thatwas really his motivator for appointing

me assistant principal. In theelementary school alone, we have over1,300 children. Naturally, the number ofchildren from troubled homes will growproportionately. We wanted to makesure that no one was falling betweenthe cracks.”

The empathy and anguish he feels atthe plight of children caught betweenwarring parents can clearly be heard inhis voice. “We’re not talking about kidsmissing out on going to Adventurelandwith their fathers. We’re talking aboutthe normal stuff: Leil Shabbos, dailylearning, Avos Ubanim, or just plainhanging out with Tatty. These littleneshamos suffer so deeply.

“Say a school has a hasmadah contestover Sukkos. The average kid will comeback, and hand his form proudly to therebbi, saying, ‘Look, I learned 18 hours!’The one without the father will havefilled in six minutes.

“Not having a father to go to shulwith doesn’t only mean missing out ontefillah b’tzibbur. There are things goingon in shul, like a hachnasas sefer Torah.The kid will come to school and hear allhis friends talking about it. That hurtsso badly.

“I called a divorced mother recentlyto discuss getting her kids to shul. Theywere home, climbing the walls, on

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Friday night. So I asked a neighbor topick them up and take them with him.He couldn’t stop thanking me fortelling him, but at the same time hewas consumed with guilt. They hadbeen neighbors for five years, and ithad never occurred to him to bring theboys to shul with him. Neighbors haveto wake up to what’s going on nextdoor!”

Rabbi Bender is working creatively tofill the mentoring gap left by an absentfather. He has set up a chavrusaprogram between younger boys whoneed nighttime learning and third-yearbeis medrash boys. “They learn for 15-20minutes, and shmooze for about thesame amount of time. It does thesekids a world of good to have this privateattention from an older bachur.”

The crucial summertime months donot escape his attention, and he workshard to procure funding to send thosein dire need to camp.

Thinking ahead, Rabbi Bender isconcerned about his students’ ability tobuild their own lives as adults. “Do yourealize that many of these kids neversee a normal Shabbos table? How canthey create it if they haven’t beenexposed to it? I’m friendly with a bachurin Lakewood whose parents are notdivorced but whose father is extremelyunstable. When I invited him forShabbos, he arrived on cloud nine

A fter an enlightening conversation with Esti B., a divorcee with fivechildren, she sent me a survey conducted by Sister to Sister, whichwill be distributed to a large number of women at this year’s

Rebbetzins’ Conference. The topic of this year’s conference is how to get localRabbanim and the community more involved in the lives of women headingfamilies on their own. Below are excerpts from the survey and Estee’s responses:

Dear Sisters,At this time we have an opportunity to reach a large numbers of Rebbetzins

and are hoping to convey an important message to them and their husbands,the Rabbanim. The focus of the message that we hope to convey is how they,their husbands, and their shul members can make a positive difference in yourlife and lives of your children. This is your opportunity to have your voice andperspective heard before this large audience. Please present us with yourexperiences, both positive and negative, so that we can effect constructiveimprovements for many divorced families.

Please offer any positive experiences that you had with the Rav or Rebbetzin of yourshul.

I never expected the Rav of our shul to get involved with my son’s schoolissues. I welcomed his advice, his wisdom in talking to my son on his level, andhis gentle patience, which strengthened their relationship and built up the trustneeded for things that will arise.

In what way did they offer any practical involvement that impacted your home?Our Rav will never hesitate to pay us an impromptu visit to address anything

that arises, from adjusting the kesher on my son’s tefillin shel rosh to making surewe have all our needs for each Yom Tov. He makes us feel that he is as concernedfor us as for his own family.

Was there any specific, particularly hurtful experience that you experienced that youfeel Rabbanim should be careful with?

It was always a difficult experience dealing with the boys’ school. It is a man’sarena, and it cannot be emphasized enough that a menahel or rebbi must temperhow he speaks to a single mother. Men tend to speak forcefully and directly,without realizing that their words sounds harsh, and in cases where there is nofather involved at all, it can be a singularly hurtful experience that leaves scars.If a Rav — or another male advocate — can get involved in being the translatoror mediator, this would be ideal for a single mom.

In what way do you feel Rabbanim should educate the members of their shul to bemore sensitive to you and your children?

The obvious ways, which are, ironically, the most overlooked: invite forShabbos meals, make sure someone is watching out for our sons in shul, set upa chavrusa (if there are no specific coordinators available), have someone take

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Friday afternoon. When I asked himwhy he was so ecstatic, he told me, ‘Youdon’t realize how unbelievable it is forme to look forward to a normalShabbos!’ I’ve seen this reaction inmany of the children I’ve invited overthe years.”

In his position as assistant principal,Rabbi Bender meets regularly with theother principals in the yeshivah andconveys to them the crucialinformation they need to know aboutthe children whose problems mightotherwise escape their notice. “Myfather holds an administrative meetingevery three weeks, where webrainstorm on how to improve and howto help all our children, particularly thevulnerable ones.”

What chizuk can he offer tostruggling mothers? “Speak up,” heimplores. “Don’t be shy; tell us what’sgoing on! You are part of a yeshivahwhere the leadership understandswhat you are going through — and weare here to help you!”

THE ASKANIMChayeinu, which is a project of the

Bikur Cholim Chesed Organization ofBoro Park, is an organization dedicated

to catching boys who are failing withinthe system, and providing them with ahealthy environment in which they canrelax, enjoy the company of other boys,and form relationships with mentorswho remain a stabilizing and positiveforce in their lives.

I ask Rabbi Mordechai Binik, one ofChayeinu’s founders, to describe thegenesis of the program. He is quick tocredit Mr. Chezky Kauftheil ofBrooklyn, a dedicated askan with abroad vision who was the force behindmany beneficial community initiatives,as Chayeinu’s founding force.

“About 12 years ago, Reb Chezkystarted Eitzah, a confidential,anonymous hotline providing generalchinuch advice. The hotline quicklybecame the address for really seriousissues, many of them dealing with boyswho were failing in school, and hurtingthemselves and others. Fairly soon, itbecame obvious that there was a needto address this problem in a frameworkseparate from Eitzah.” And so the seedof Chayeinu was planted.

Rabbi Binik quotes a study thatidentified 50 potential problemschildren may face in the variousoverlapping social, educational, and

our sons for typical ‘man events’ (e.g. Lag BaOmer fires, bi’ur chametz, hachnasassefer Torah, etc).

Remarking on the manifold challenges of a life of what she terms “fractured normalcy,”Esti notes:

The toughest days were when I was sick in bed. Most married couples takefor granted the fact that there are two adults in the household; when one fallsill for a couple of days, the other one picks up the slack. When I was sick withfever, the house not only completely fell apart, but I felt as though I was alone inthe entire world.

Is there any message that you would like to convey other than the above points?It’s very easy to feel as if we’re ‘forgotten’ members of the community. Even

for those of us who are emotionally healthy and well adjusted with oursituation, emotions can be raw and life can seem very lonely sometimes. If theRav and/or Rebbetzin takes the time to get to know us and make us feel asthough we are truly ‘worth’ the investment, it will serve to open the lines ofcommunication for future issues that might arise, and will remind us that thereare still people around who truly care.

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familial frameworks of their lives.Some of these include overweight,birth order, learning disabilities,divorce, or death of a parent. Researchindicates that a child dealing with atleast six of these issues may be atsignificant risk of dysfunction orfailure.

“With teenage boys, a one-on-onerelationship has been found to beeffective. But for younger children, thisdoesn’t work. They aren’t comfortableopening up in such a setting; they arealso suspicious, and wary of the socialstigma of working with a mentor.

“We realized that kids needsomething like a camp format, a placewhere they can shine away from thepressure of school, and where they canalso relax as members of a group. Thisled to the initiation of a night programfor boys from ages seven to thirteen,where they can interact with mentorsin a group format.”

The program opened with sixchildren; by now, about 200 havepassed through its doors.

Boys without fathers in their livescomprise a significant portion ofChayeinu’s membership. “I rememberone boy at our first Chanukah partytelling me that he’d been to eightparties already, between the variousmixed and blended combinations ofhis divorced parents’ families. ‘Butyours is the best,’ he insisted. It’s easyto see why. Over here, he was just amember of the group — not the kidfrom the broken family with all thestepparents and stepsiblings.

“Chayeinu is an incredibly positiveforce in the boys’ lives. It provides anon-judgmental, non-threateningatmosphere where they can ‘chill,’ havefun, and air whatever is on their minds,knowing that there are people who willrespect them, help them, and reallylisten to them.”

Rabbi Yitzchak Gluck of Boro Parkwears two hats: he is the principal of achassidish cheder in Brooklyn, and abusy community activist who came inon the ground floor of Eitzah, which

eventually birthedChayeinu. Indescribing theprogram’s origins, henotes that Chayeinuspecifically targetsorphans and childrenfrom divorced homes,who need a male rolemodel in their lives.

“Because wealready established arelationship withrebbeim in schools,whom we recruited togive chinuch advice forthe Eitzah hotline, theyare comfortable referringboys in need of ourservices. Although mostrebbeim are deeplyconcerned and caring, thereis too much going on in theclassroom for them to beable to give these boys whatChayeinu can give them.Additionally, for many students, arebbi represents discipline. They mighthave a hard time relating to him in amore positive way.”

Chayeinu often steps in to fill thevoid paradoxically created by aplethora of family members. “I’veofficiated at several bar mitzvahs ofboys from divorced homes, where theanimosity level was so high that I wasthe only one who could speak at theevent without disturbing the peace. Onone occasion, there were two fathersand four grandfathers, as each parenthad remarried. I’ve gotten instructionsfrom both sides as to what I wasallowed to say. It was very tense, and sosad. But at least we were able to bethere for the boy.”

Rabbi Gluck comments on theunique challenges that divorcees mustnavigate. “The mother is often fightingdesperately for her get and for her post-divorce identity, yet there is littleemotional and financial outreach forher and her children. A widow in thesame circumstances is often regarded

as a ‘tzaddekes,’ while a divorcee willnot get the same level of support. Herchildren bounce, yo-yo-like, betweenparents, often coming home from thenon-custodial parent angry andconfused.”

Yet the loneliness and theemptiness are a common denominator

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for both widows and divorcees. RabbiGluck is passionate in his desire toopen the eyes of the general populationto the lives of those who are living indifficult circumstances.

“You have to show that you care, butnot in a patronizing way that makes

them feel like charity cases. Treadlightly. Drop off a dessert if youhappen to have made extra. Invite

kids over to play, or to a Shabbosmeal. Think about hard moments

in your life when you are sograteful for the presence of yourhusband or wife, and then putyourself in your neighbor’s

shoes.”

THE RABBI“I recently got a phone call from

a divorced woman,” relates RabbiYosef Viener, Rav of Kehillas Shaar

Hashamayim in Monsey, NY. “She’sraising her son alone, and she

wanted to bring him to see me, inorder to create a positive connectionwith a father figure. I conversed withhim, gave him a farher, and he did verywell. Before they left, I invited him tocall me whenever he wanted. Sureenough, he phoned a few days ago

with some questions and then lingeredon the phone. It was clear that he justneeded to talk.

“It’s important for a Rav to reach outto these children, to encourage them tocommunicate with him. At the sametime, a divorced father needs to beprompted to be there for his kids aswell. Even though he is no longermarried to their mother, the childrenwill always need him.

“Families in the shul must also beaware of one-parent households intheir midst. Invite the neighbor’s kid onyour Chol Hamoed trip. Most of thetime, the offer will be accepted, by bothmother and child, very gratefully. TheRambam, at the end of Hilchos Yom Tov,writes that the main thrust of themitzvah of simchas Yom Tov is to raise thespirits of those who are unfortunate.This includes inviting those to whomthe Torah repeatedly draws ourattention — widows and orphans — aswell as those who are suffering fromother situations, such as divorce.” Hedoes offer one caveat: “You just have tomake sure that while you are doingchessed, your own children will not be

negatively impacted.“When I was growing up, we went

out often on Sunday night for an hourwith our parents — along with thedownstairs neighbor, whose father wassick for 20 years. That’s the kind ofthing that should be going on in ourcommunities, wherever there is aneed.”

THE THERAPISTSDr. Norman Blumenthal, Director of

Bereavement and Crisis InterventionServices at Chai Lifeline, begins ourinterview by cautioning me to becareful in the way I frame this issue. “Ionce participated in a panel on childrenof divorce, the title of which impliedthat they are orphans. While I am surethat the organizers of the panel meantwell, I was besieged by phone callsafter the event by parents, mainlyfathers, who were extremely hurt.They protested that even though theydidn’t share a home all the time withtheir children, they still worked veryhard to maintain the connection, andto be a presence in their kids’ lives. Ina clear majority of the families I dealwith, this is the case. Whileacknowledging the scope of theproblem, we cannot show disrespectto dedicated and loving parents.”

Yet there are often situations, dueto death, abandonment, or mental orphysical illness, when the father is notthere. This opens a space for an uncle,a rebbi, or a neighbor to step into thevacant spot. However, he cautionsagainst overstepping boundaries.

“The research indicates that theoptimal development is for severalpeople to take over the parenting role.If one person tries to do it all, it canbecome overwhelming, and may evenbreed resentment on the part of hisown family, who needs and wants himas well. If that same surrogate fatheror mother — say a rebbi or a morah —curtails his or her involvement whengoing away for the summer or at thestart of a new academic year, the childhas now experienced another loss or

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abandonment. But if a cluster ofparental figures works together, theycan divide the roles and minimize theimpact of one or two having todecrease their involvement.

“Of course there is a major role forextended family to play here as well.But a grandmother trying to take adeceased mother’s place always has toremember that she is not the mother,but a grandmother helping to fill avoid. Children may recoil at someoneelse trying to be the original parent,and she might also be planting theseeds for future conflict if the fatherremarries.

“Additionally, any one of thesesurrogate parents must rememberthat his authority never overrules thatof the actual parent. The key in thissituation is always to respect theparent, take your cues from him orher, and never bite off more than youcan chew. Take on less, but make sureit’s a level of involvement that you can

sustain.”In the interests of raising sensitivity,

he lauds a local yeshivah for changingthe name of “Avos Ubanim” to “MidorL’dor” (From Generation to Generation).“Why inflict more pain on a childwho’s already missing a father? Lethim bring any involved older personalong to learn with.” In the same vein,girls’ schools serving orphans orchildren of divorce should alsoconsider renaming “Mother-Daughter”events with a more general andinclusive title.

Dr. Benzion Twerski shares histhoughts in writing: “Hashem createdmankind to bring children into theworld through two united parents. It isclear that disunity challengeschildren’s existence and candestabilize them. And that is evenwithout the bickering and fighting….

“I have watched some children inintact families become problematicwhen the parents fought verbally and

mentioned the ‘divorce’ word. Theycould not concentrate in school, andteachers and rebbeim never understoodthat they were observing an emotionalissue, not an academic or disciplinaryone.” He said that many kids have hadnormal emotional reactions to a stormthat was ripping apart their home;these reactions caused temporarylapses in their academic performance— and they were punished for them.The consequences that they weregiven, however, had a permanenteffect.”

THE MOTHERSI saved the most difficult part of this

article for the end. When speaking toRabbanim, therapists, or educators,there’s an element of distance. They areconcerned, they are caring, but at theend of the day, they still go home tointact families and lives. To enter thelife of a single mother is to confrontpain and loss at extremely close

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quarters. It is wrenching and difficult —and yet, we only see a fraction of whatthey deal with every minute of theirlives. And so their voices must be heard.

I turn to Shani Stefansky in her roleas founder of Samcheinu, anorganization founded to give supportand companionship to widows. Shediscusses the crucial need for a malerole model to mentor orphans, bothboys and girls. “I can’t state stronglyenough that what orphans need is notchinuch, but mentoring. Nobody inheritsthe right to be mechanech from thedeceased parent. That right belongsonly to the mother. What we need issomeone to build a relationship withour children and create an opening forthem to reach out and makeconnections.

“Also, the mentor has to have theright temperament. Even if a relativedeeply loves the child, if he is impatientor tough, it won’t work. The mentor isthere to provide non-stressful guidance,unconditional giving, and lovingsupport.”

Yehudis Robinson, Executive Directorof Sister to Sister, an organizationservicing divorced women, repeats aconversation she had with one of herclients. “I called her after Pesach to askhow her Yom Tov was. She said, ‘Pesachwas great, but I’m so nervous aboutShavuos.’ I told her, ‘Don’t worry, we’llfind you places for the seudos.’ ‘I’m notworried about the seudos,’ sheresponded. ‘Who is going to learn withmy son Shavuos night?’

“I called a mentor involved with herkids. He said, ‘Don’t worry, there arechildren’s programs in the shul.’ I toldhim, ‘Yes, but there’s no supervision.That mother won’t get a wink of sleepknowing that her kid is wanderingaround shul with no one to take him inhand.’ He immediately said that hewould personally take care of the boy.Now, this man is really a tzaddik. But itsimply didn’t occur to him that a childwithout a father in shul on Shavuosnight needs individual attention!”

She tells me about a Sister to Sisterinitiative to discuss with Rabbanim and

Rebbetzins the specific needs of thispopulation. “It’s so crucial for a Rav tobecome an active part of the family’slife. Both the mother and the childrendesperately need an advocate.”

A theme I heard reiterated bydivorced and widowed mothers is thatthere is an initial showering ofattention, after which people graduallyreturn to their own lives, unaware of thenewly-single mother’s ongoing need forsupport that does not diminish overtime. “It was hurtful to my son thatpeople just gave up. From the outside,we look like we’re managing, but thereis still no father,” asserts ChavivaBrander*, a widow who lost her husbandseveral years ago. “Even relatives thinkthat my boys can go to shul bythemselves. But just because they’rehealthy and able-bodied doesn’t meanthey don’t need an uncle or grandfatherto come by and walk with them.

“People assume an awful lot from theoutside. Friends think that family istaking care of us, the family thinks it’sthe friends who are helping — while theshul and the community at large thinkthe friends and family are on top of it.And in the end we are left with zero.”

We spoke the day after the Citi FieldAsifah. “It’s 12:30 in the afternoon, and Ihave no idea what really went on there.I didn’t get one phone call asking, ‘Can Itake your sons to Citifield?’ Sometimes,I feel like I’m living in a bubble. Beforethe last Siyum HaShas, I asked a neighborto buy tickets and take my kids. Thistime around, nobody has called me yet,offering to take them. They are olderalready, but they still don’t want to go ontheir own. Why doesn’t anybody realizethis and pick up the phone?

“My father went to bake matzos, andasked me how many boxes I need. Buthe didn’t take my son to the bakery withhim. He actually took a nephew, one whohas a father. My father is a good man, butpeople are just not tuned in.”

It is physically painful for me to hearof some of the ordeals Chaviva’s childrenhave endured. There was the rebbiofficiating at the yeshivah minyan where

her newly-orphaned son was sayingKaddish. “He didn’t like the way my sonwas saying it and told him so, publiclyshaming him. My son left the minyan andfound somewhere else to daven. To thisday, he won’t set foot on the block of theyeshivah.” When another son beganacting out in school shortly after hisfather’s death, he was severely punishedand disciplined by the principal.

“After my husband died, the principal— the one who emotionally abused myson — said to a relative, ‘There are toomany “Tattys” calling me about theBrander boys.’ That is so terriblymisguided. It takes many, many ‘Tattys’to fill the shoes of the one.”

Towards the end of our conversation,Chaviva admits that she is spillingthoughts and feelings to me — a safestranger whom she has never met —that she has never revealed to others.“I’m a happy person, and I have a strongnetwork of friends. I don’t want to comeacross as a nebach.” Indeed, she gives theimpression of someone exceptionallybrave and strong.

And yet the human heart, for all itsstrength and resilience, is so easilybreakable. As her Jewish brothers andsisters, we share a collective heart,whose pain we ignore at our peril. Andher children are our children, and thefuture of our people.

*Name changed

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