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Handling father-children conflict

http://thenationonlineng.net/web2/articles/24469/1/Handling-father-children-conflict/Page1.html

By Olufemi Fasanya

Published on 7/11/2009

Have you heard of a father who was so angry with his son (it’s easy for the male child to have challenges

with his father), that he disowned him or called him a bastard? Have you seen children who don’t want to

have anything to do with the man that gave birth to them?

Have you heard of a father who was so angry with his son (it’s easy for the male childto have challenges with his father), that he disowned him or called him a bastard?Have you seen children who don’t want to have anything to do with the man thatgave birth to them?

 The reality is that it does happen. There are situations that may arise between afather and his child that the child doesn’t see things the way his father does andbecause the head of the home wants to impose his will on him, rebellion arises.Sometimes the challenge is as a result of the way a child perceives his mother isbeing treated. This is common in a polygamous setting where one of the childrenfeels that his mother isn’t evenly treated like the new heartthrob of his dad.Sometimes the challenge is as a result of a child who just wants to be free to expresshimself the way he feels outside of tradition, culture and consistent norm that peoplecall right.

Some of these challenges have so degenerated to the point that the child no longerhas regard for his father, nor wants to have anything to do with him. The father may

become so egocentric that he tells the child to go to hell. Some challenges betweenfather and child don’t get settled until either of them dies. I heard the story of Mr.Daniel’s sad ending. His story is common with fathers who are married to more thana wife or have relationships that ended with a child. He was a wealthy man who lovedhis family; but he had many of them (he was married to four women and had 15children). Common to polygamous homes, the mothers ended up getting the childrento their side to the detriment of the man. At the end of his days on earth, it was astranger that stayed with him in the hospital with his own children rarely paying avisit. He died a sad man.

I feel that we fathers have to do a little bit of departure from the traditional pattern of behaviour of the fathers in the past. One of such is to let go of our ego to saveourselves and children from allowing the challenges we may have escalate to the

point that we will not want to have anything to do with one another. We shouldunderstand that the children of ‘today’ are expressive, unlike some years ago whenthe philosophy of life was that grown-ups were always right. But the children of todaydefer a lot from this. When you see challenges between a parent and child, it’s oftenbecause the way they view things are different. No grown-up is prepared any longerto either see or understand the way the generation of their children see and getthings done.

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When I went to speak at a relationship meeting I was invited to, I asked from anumber of the participants how many of them had ever heard their father say, ‘I amsorry’ to them? The hands that popped up weren’t up to five. They had always heardthe authoritative words of their dads; so, when challenges arose, the man of thehouse was used to the bravado style of leadership. The problem ‘I am sorry’ couldeasily have solved, he instead allowed his pride and the mentality that a child ought

not to question his father overwhelm him.

 The reality is that we can’t take a god-like position in the life of our children and nothave challenges with them. I heard the story of a father whom I was impressed with.He had always been in charge (he was a top brass in the Armed Forces before hisretirement). Some couple of years before he died, he called his children andapologised to them for the mistakes he had made in the way he treated them andtheir mum. He wished he had known better and prayed that they would find it in theirhearts to forgive him for the needless pain he allowed them go through.

When his daughter told me his story, I could see a lady whose love for her dad findexpression like never before because of the step her dad took. She actually stayed byhis side till he died in the hospital. Fathers should learn to admit their faults and

apologise for them.

Fathers should also allow their children make their own decisions instead of concluding they know what is best for them. I love the Nigerian adage that says:‘Irrespective of how smart a child may be, he can’t always see what an aged personcan see.’ This is because of the experiences the older ones have gathered and gonethrough over the years. However, it’s wrong to impose one’s ideology on the youngerones. I feel the best we can do is to train them in the way to go and trust that theywill always go that way if it’s the way of reasonable religious conviction (notextreme). When your child can’t see things your way, it’s not time to allow itdegenerate to the point that he’ll become rebellious, but it’s a time to pray.

Olufemi Fasanya, 08037257479

www.relationship-daddy.blogspot.com