Hand in Hand Parenting

Slovenia National Congress Marriage and Family Counselors

April 2014

Pam Oatis, MDHand in Hand Parenting

Building Emotional Understanding InstructorMedical Director Family Care Team Mercy

Hospital

Thank you

Welcome

Thank you!!!

Objective Learn Listening Tools

Improve relationships with children and adults

Hand in Hand Parenting

Please share with a person whom you don’t know Name Home town Are you a parent or do you have parents? If a

parent – what are your children’s ages? One thing you would like to learn today

Hand in Hand Parenting

Story of a young physician

Nonprofit trains parents and professionals Parenting by Connection 75% from Australia, Canada, Israel, France,

England, Romania, South Africa Switzerland and around USA.

Direct services >11,000 parents 2012

www.handinhandparenting.org

Hand in Hand Parenting

Support parents Provide insights and skills Listen to and connect with their children Individual support Classes Result: Parents and children thrive

Hand in Hand Parenting Services

Connection Connected parenting directly and powerfully reduces hurt and harm lives of individuals, families, and communities. Parents want to be close to their children, help them learn, love them fully, and see them thrive

Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas

Parenting is not easy Parents handle multiple

roles, deal with much stress and need/deserve good support for their vital work.

Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas

Feeling isolated/stressed => parents’ behavior to flare.

Regular access to a supportive listener to offer warmth and full respect makes powerful difference.

Good listener can reduce a parent’s sense of isolation, relieve stress, and improve a parent’s patience.

Me stressed

Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas

Feeling disconnected or stressed causes children’s behavior to flare

Parents can reconnect through listening and limits

Children offload their negative feelings and regain sense of connection and better judgment.

Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas

Listening, parent-to-parent and parent-to-child, builds connection

Listening conveys respect creates safety to dissolve emotional tension which disrupts caring relationships

Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas

Respect and listening strengthen parents’ connection with their children and each

other, and reconnect them when stress has interfered

Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas Summary

Comparing Parenting Models

Permissive

Uninvolved Controlling

Parenting by Connection

Warmth

Low

Limits

Close parent-child connection throughout childhood and beyond is the strongest factor preventing health and social problems, involvement in drugs, violence, unintended pregnancies and medical problems

Successful Parenting ModelResearch

Focuses only on that parent child connection

Combines warmth with reasonable expectations

Helps parents remain warm, engaged and connected while setting limits children need

Builds intelligence Result: Children develop judgment,

resilience, social, emotional and cognitive functioning without threat or punishment.

Parenting by Connection

Connection is Vital

warmthrespecteye contactListening

trustcooperation

respect

Brain “fed” by eye contact and aware touch with long moments of gaze and reciprocal conversation full of “I love you and want to understand you”

Neural pathways develop only when infant/child brain in flexible positive communication with an adult who is

tuned to the infant/child expressions, needs

Connection Comes First

Thinking Follows

Connection

Prefrontal CortexAttentionReasoningJudgmentPlanningImpulse ControlShort-term MemoryFlexible thinking

Infant/child neural pathways grow700 synapsis per second first 2 years of lifeFirst 1000 days of life vital

Research shows when sense of connection with parent or caregiver breaks it is an

emotional and developmental emergency for the infant/child

How Children’s Emotions Work

We need to connect with someone to listen to our thoughts, feelings, goals

Listening and being listened to help parents connect Grows ability to enjoy parenting Grows ability to connect with children

Parents Also Need Connection

Cluttered Mind Feelings can confuse us Emotions can cloud our thinking Feeling sad, scared,

overwhelmed, exhausted, alone, frustrated, blocks our thinking

Unhealed hurts leave us confused

Rigid irrational behaviors=>unhealthy relationships

Story Dx

Adults agree to take equal turns listening to each other

Time to explore thoughts, set goals, talk, cry, laugh, tremble, yawn through tensions and upsets

Come to clearer thinking and functioning about ourselves and loved ones

NOT conversation

We have a solution to try:Listening Partnerships

Natural healing system--laughter, tears, trembling, yawning DR story

As we talk emotional tension lifts We heal

Think and act flexibly intelligently

Listening Partnership

Safe time and place to relearn this natural healing process

Listening gets this healing process restarted

Listening Partnership

Each person—intelligent, good, expert on her/himself, no benefit from attempts to fix, blame, advice or criticizeDoing best given information, resources, hurts

Listening PartnershipFoundation

Take equal turns listening2 people thinking about 1

person

Simple but takes practice

Respect your partner

Listening PartnershipHow To

“What was that like for you?” “Tell me more.” “What else?” “What do you think might be happening?” “Oh, I am sorry.” “What bothers you about it?” “What was the first time you remember

feeling like that or saw someone do something like that?”

Listening Partnership:Questions Listener Might

Ask

Remembers own and the partner’s inherent goodness

Focused attention on partner is powerful resource

Keep face relaxed smile Interest Respect Appreciation No questions out of own curiosity No advice, interruption or judgment CONFIDENTIALITY—no repeating what is

said

Listening PartnershipRole of the Listener

Commitment to Confidentiality

Confidentiality

Take charge of what we talk about

Encourage honesty, no filtering

Topic that is cluttering mind

Trust mind to bring up what it is ready to off load

Notice feelings Stay feeling the feelings

Listening PartnershipRole of the Talker

Take Turns Listening

* Who, if anyone, listened to you when you were a child?OR* What was a moment you felt your mind freeze or feel too cluttered? What was that like?

3 minutes each

Listening PartnershipLet’s Try It

Listening PartnershipsReaction

What was that like? Listener Talker

Listening Builds Intelligence

ListenerRespectWarmth

confidence

TalkerSafety builds

Intelligence

grows

Tension ReleaseTalking

LaughterCrying

TremblingTantrums

Intelligent Actions

Not a 5 minute quick fixTry 10, then 30, 45 minutes eachSet weekly dates with listening partner: Life story Goals Successes/challenges

Listening PartnershipTakes Time

Comparing Parenting Models

Permissive

Uninvolved Controlling

Parenting by Connection

Warmth

Low

Limits

Parenting by ConnectionListening Tools

Adult to Child Staylistening Playlistening Setting Limits Special Time

Adult to Adult Listening

Partnerships Support Group

Parents can help children heal emotional bumps and bruises of childhood.

As you listen, crying, a natural recovery process heals the hurt

Staylistening – Basics

The person at his side staying with warmth and kindness rebuilding confidence and connection becomes a treasured loved one.

After we listen to tears and feelings blurted out, his mind is free to return to confidence, hope, flexibility and learning with heart kept open for friendship and cooperation.

This recovery process—crying until the hurt is gone—comes naturally.

STORY my gm, CLEANING UP TOYS , palliative care

Staylistening

What would it be like to stay and listen? How would it feel not to quiet, distract, or

give in? 2 minutes each

Listening Partnership

“My wife and I are therapists who work with parents, children, and adults who once were children. We love your materials both professionally and personally. Your materials have given me clear, concise words, in a way that I could have not expressed before, the way that I automatically and intuitively work with children.”David Vandevert, MFT 

“I am…a therapist for over 20 years…and wanted to

tell you that I have given your parenting pamphlets to my clients many times. They are a fabulous resource, and are positively impacting more people than you know.”Nancy Goldstein, LCSW-R

The How to of Hand in Hand Parenting Playlistening Setting Limits Family Policy Support Groups

Workshop

Questions

Thank you for your participation!!

Congratulations

The How to of Hand in Hand Parenting Playlistening Setting Limits Family Policy Support groups

Workshop

Something in your life in the last few weeks that pleases you?

2 min each

Listening Partnership

Laughter—”the best medicine”

Laughing like crying, tantrums signals the release of tension in the child’s mind

Children love to laugh Playlistening is getting

laughter going without dominating the child

Playlistening

We ensure child “wins”, better at game, stronger, smarter, more graceful Adult--weak, clumsy, dim-witted, and less

competent Laughter as child senses smarter, more powerful

than loving adult, releases tensions Brings a lighter touch to parenting, helps

children feel thoroughly loved and brings us closer

Often involves much running, climbing, jumping Develop coordination, expand knowledge of child and

parent/caregiver Overcome shyness and fears

Mealtime, getting dressed, bedtime, bath time, ordinary times

Story swing Sebastian

Playlistening

Notice what lets a child laugh and then do more.

If you trip walking and he laughs, act a little indignant, then do it again

Hide and seek—when looking be a little loud, get closer to his hiding spot, look but do not find, be fooled

PlaylisteningHow to

Make physical contact. Be actively lightly affectionate

Do not overwhelm or over power the child Follow do not lead the play Active, enthusiastic, ready to leave dignity

behind No tickling

Listening Partnership Demo 1 minute each afraid of the dark/bugs

PlaylisteningBasic Guidelines

Listening Partnership

3 minutes each What was that like? Where, when, how use this?

Playlistening: Light hearted “uh oh, you are in trouble now”

or “ohhhh, how could you have done that?” Slow chase, nuzzle, vigorous cuddle Child’s laughter follows My son about to take brother’s airplane Sometimes after laughter comes hearty tears--

wanting something could not have Humorous light interactions => Creative

problem solving

Setting Limits

When child’s thinking has broken, can’t find safety to laugh or cry away hurt, will do and say unworkable things, showing needs us to step in with a limit

Gentle firm, “No, I can’t let you do that” provides a name to the nameless tensions that drove child off confident connected track

As we stay close and listen after limit set, child releases upset feelings with tears, words of fury, child will recover sense of connection and wellbeing

Toy clean up and bike in street

Setting Limits

Listen, Limit, Listen Listen

Need information/help, expectations fit? Limit

Me put self between child and irrational behavior Look to be sure parent sees Bring kicking crying child onto lap

Listen Kindness allow feel awful feelings inside drove to the

behavior Hearty cry or tantrum

Setting Limits

“Aren’t you promoting disrespect/spoiling by letting a child say awful things and rage like that?”

While child crying, perspiring, trembling--getting vital emotional work done, getting rid of feelings and images that poison relationships and confuse thinking

Cooperation, flexibility, ease with learning follow

Story school conferences

Setting LimitsQuestion from Parents

Connect with attention before limits need to be set and before I am upset

Slammed door, louder harsh tone of voice Works best to listen early, at first hint of nearing

upset Ten minutes of hanging out, cuddling, horsing

around can change next hours at home

Setting Limits

SUMMARY Children good, want to be loving,

cooperative, close When behavior goes off track it is because

the child feels disconnected, hurt When feeling hurt they cannot behave

reasonably Our kind firm limits are a gift Children need our warmth and closeness to

heal and change behavior LISTEN, LIMIT, then LISTEN as bad feelings

roll off

Setting Limits

Special Time is an active form of listening, in which your child’s play becomes vehicle for telling you about life and perceptions

Special Time

Set aside a short, defined period of time Do your best to be free of worries, tiredness,

stress Do NOT direct or try to improve the play No teaching

Special Time

Follow the child’s lead for play Demonstrate your approval, affection and

enjoyment

Builds connection and trust Maintain judgment May need to beg, plead as children get older

Can also do with adults

Special Time

Listening Partnership 3 minutes each What would it be like to follow a child’s lead in play? What would you like to do with special time for yourself?

Spoken or unspoken govern how the family functions

“Parents decide. Children obey.”

Family Policies

Our experience: If children are to grow up respecting themselves and others, they need to be treated with respect from infancy on.

Policies reflect common sense and respect might be: “We let each other know what we like about each

other at least one each day.”

“We share work of the household. Everyone has at least one job and all can ask for help with that job to make it more fun.”

“We don’t hurt each other. When we see someone hurting someone else, we stop them.”

Family Policies

Group of 3-8 people follow same guidelines as Listening Partnership

One primary listener Parents Mothers Fathers Therapists

Support Group

When parents connect with their children and one another

Build a support system greater success solving problems

Enjoy parenting Engage in their communities Create positive change and inspire others

Families and Communities

Listening Tools

Adult to Child Staylistening Playlistening Setting Limits Special Time

Adult to Adult Listening

Partnerships Support Group

Listening Partnership

3 minutes each What would you like to try for yourself and your family? What are your next steps?

Questions

Please share:

Something I want to remember from today

An appreciation of my listening partner

Highlights