Spring EditionPlease submit articles by May 11th.

Artwork, poetry, literature, essays, editorials, and

letters to the editor accepted.Cover artwork and photography also welcome!

You can send materials electronically to:

Dan Doohercentalt@akita-c.ed.jp

or

Alex Minerludditehypocrite@gmail.com

Cover Art - Nami Nitta

Akita’s English Quarterly2009

Interview: Melissa Jean Dawe 2

Articles The Treasure Ships and Hina Dolls Tadaya Iwaya 5 Glamorous Grammar Chris Sato 8

Narratives Going to the Top of Akita Douglas Perkins 11 Everyone Gets Run Over Here “S” 12 My First Time James Jones 13 A Junkie’s Guide to Karaoke “Love Shack” 15

Call for Submissions 20

InterviewMelissa Jean Dawe

Family members and pets? Father: Ivan, Mother: Darlene, Grandmother: Ethel, Sister: Melanie, Brother in law: Steve, Sister: Mandy, Dog: Banjo.

When I first got here every time I mentioned Banjo to the kids I was met with uproarious laughter. I just thought that they liked hearing about her and her crazy antics. That is, until one day when a teacher pulled me aside and explained that Banjo basically means "urinal" in Japanese. To this day in the hallways I'm still met with, "Banjo...genki desu ka?" and peals of laughter.

If you could have one superpower what would it be? Invisibility. Look out Kevin Bacon.

Why did you come to Japan? Because I've always loved that song by The Vapors...

Name a book/film that has changed your life: Book: The World According to Garp by John Irving - because we really all are terminal cases. Film: Being John Malkovich - imagine seeing the world through someone else's eyes! And then getting spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. And just for good measure, Album: Biograph, Volumes One through Three by Bob Dylan - prepare to have your minds blown.

2

Full Name, Age and BirthdayMelissa Jean Dawe, January 1st

Years with JETFirst

Blood TypeO Positive

Zodiac (Western or Chinese)Capricorn

Home Country and TownTopsail, Newfoundland (Canada)

Current Akita ResidenceOta, Daisen City

Alex Miner – EditorMichael Sammler – DesignerDan Dooher – DirectorBrett Rawson – Assistant

If you could spend a day with one historical figure, who would it be and why? Pee Wee Herman. I'd get to hang out with Chairry and Cowboy Curtis, and he could tell me all about his big adventure. Either him or Julius Caesar. With JC I'd get to spend the day relaxing and reclining while eating olives and drinking wine. And I'd get all the dirt on Marc Antony and Cleopatra. The things both of these men have seen and done! Julius Caesar reshaped Rome, and Pee Wee Herman married a bowl of fruit salad. The stories they could tell!

What did you study in university and why? I majored in Classics and Sociology, with a certificate in Criminology. I was told it was a surefire way to meet boys. Ever sidle up to someone in a bar and quote Cicero or Karl Marx? I'm not sure I'd recommend it...

In a movie about your life who would play you and who would play Bryan Barber? I would play me. Actors tend to mangle the Newfoundland accent. Unless, of course, they're from Newfoundland. As for Bryan Barber, I would have to say John C. Reilly. That guy can play anyone. Though with that in mind, so can Meryl Streep. Okay, I would play me, and Meryl Streep would do a mean Bryan Barber. Are there any similarities between Japan and your home? They are both islands, they are both geographically about the same size (if you include the mainland of Labrador), but that's where the similarities end. There were more people at the Omagari fireworks than the entire population of my home.

What are your hobbies? I like reading, practicing Janken, and playing air guitar.

What do you miss most from home? Newfoundland food (Jiggs dinner! Toutons!), Newfoundland beer (India! Dominion! Black Horse!), Newfoundland music (get in touch if you're interested in some recommendations!). I miss Downtown St. John's and being able to step into any one of the bars there and catch some great live music. I miss the smell of the ocean! And right about now I am really missing central heating, not to mention insulation. One morning I boiled the kettle, and my tea mug was so cold that it just shattered when the hot water hit it. But I really am enjoying my time here!

3What is you favorite place in Japan? Daisen City!

What is the strangest food that you have encountered in Japan? I've never been a picky eater, so when I first arrived I would go to the supermarket and find things that looked interesting and bring them home and try to cook them. I have very minimal Japanese, so I was never quite sure what I was buying, or if it even needed to be cooked. I hate being wasteful, and so many of my first nights here were spent like I was a contestant on Fear Factor (or maybe even one of the guys from Jackass): just holding my nose, throwing my head back, and trying to swallow, all while mentally trying to find my happy place. Those days are no more, thanks to the help of the staff at my friendly neighbourhood MaxValu.

What's the most dangerous thing you have ever done? I normally don't even like to mention this, but...once, in mixed company, I admitted that from time to time I have been known to seek solace in the music of The Backstreet Boys. I just did it again, didn't I?

What would people be surprised to know about you? Despite what I said in my previous answer, I do have really great taste in music. To end this interview, do you have any advice for our readers? Don't follow leaders, and watch your parking meters.

Articles

The Treasure Ships and Hina DollsIn winter the Sea of Japan is really wild, where gales blow and high waves surge. In Edo era Kitamae-Bune, trading ships from Edo and Osaka

to Hokkaido stopped making voyages in winter.

A lumber merchant, Zuiken Kawamura, set up the route from Sakata (Yamagata Prefecture) to Osaka through the Sea of Japan and the Inland Sea in 1672. The large size of the ships meant they could be loaded with 150 to 220 tons. The ships dropped anchor in Kisakata, Konoura, Hirasawa (Nikaho-shi), Honjo, Tsutizaki, Toga and Noshiro in Akita Prefecture. It is said that in the middle of the 19th century, 600 to 700 ships put in at Port Tsuchizaki. 2550 to 3000 ships entered Port Sakata in Yamagata Prefecture.

In the Edo era a famous writer, Ihara Saikaku, wrote about the prosperity of Abumiya, a shipping agency, in his novel, Nihon-Eitaigura. Sakata was under the rule, not of the Daimyou, but of 36 powerful merchants. Except for Sakata, the only other free town was Sakai in the Kansai area.

We have heard that a Kitamae-Bune earned ¥100 million (more than one million dollars) in one voyage. They transported herrings, sea tangles and other marine products from Hokkaido to Osaka and Edo (old Tokyo). They also carried rice from Akita and Yamagata. The ships conveyed sugar, salt, cotton, Imari wares, hina dolls, information, culture and other things from Edo and Osaka to Yamagata and Akita Prefectures. Many merchants made a fortune.

5

Around 1000 years ago upper class girls in Kyoto played homemaker with dolls made of paper. The imperial court adopted the hina doll festival as an official event about 400 years ago for girls’ happiness on the third of March. Later it spread to the Tokugawa Shogunate, the ruling class, and then to the common people.

Hina means “little, tiny and cute” but the gorgeous dolls from the 1720s were made about 50 centimeters high. Eventually they made life-sized hina dolls. Then the Tokugawa Shogunate prohibited the making of such luxurious dolls and proclaimed that their height must be less than 25 centimeters.

Rich merchants bought fine hina dolls for their daughters in the Edo era. Now we can see 200 or 300-year-old hina dolls in the Sakata area.

There are 11 main tourist venues in Sakata that exhibit hina dolls. The fees range from 300 to 900 yen. The tourist venues exhibit old, Edo-period dolls, but some modern dolls also. At Sanno Club (090-2884-1006) you can see “Kasafuku,” a traditional hanging decoration. In the Edo era there were many common people who could not buy expensive hina dolls so they devised these hanging decorations for their daughters. Now they are very splendid and

gorgeous to behold. The 50-odd stores and restaurants decorate their own variety of hina dolls that may be old or new. The time period of each exhibition is slightly different but you can see all of them in March.

At first, visit the Information Bureau (0234-24-2454) in Sakata Station and get a pamphlet for the Sakata Hina Doll Tour. You can also get information and pamphlets at the sightseeing section of

Sakata-shi (0234-26-5759) next to the Shimizuya Department Store and at the Sakata Sightseeing Association (0234-24-2233) in the Sankyo-Soko storehouse.

You can also ride the hina doll tour bus every hour from Sakata Station. It stops at six points. You can get on and off the bus freely for ¥500.

6

“The large size of the ships meant they could be loaded with 150 to 220 tons.”

Photo courtesy of Sakata City Hall

Kitamae-Bune. Photo by Tadaya Iwaya

In the Honjo area, there were three clans. The lords, their high-ranking retainers and rich merchants also bought hina dolls. At the Honjo Historical Museum (0184-24-3570) you can see the hina dolls that the daughter of the last lord of the Honjo clan once enjoyed.

At first get the pamphlet and a map at Ugo-Honjo Station or Yuri-Honjo City Hall (0184-24-6374). If you take the 10:50 train for Yashima the train attaches to the “O-hina-kko” train, which is decorated with colorful traditional Japanese handballs. The 9:50 train from Yashima for Ugo-Honjo also connects to the same train. You can buy a commemorative ticket, which is printed with an old hina doll. It is a 40 minute ride. The special train runs from March 1st to March 22nd. You may be able to see the 53 centimeter hina dolls of the Kumagai Family at the Yashima Local Culture Preservation (0184-56-2203). Each of the 20 shops of the Honjo and Yashima areas decorate their hina dolls. The time period is the same as the special train schedule.

Note: It takes about 45 minutes from Akita to Ugo-Honjo and a little over an hour and a half from Akita to Sakata by local train. If you need more information please contact me at: tadaya_ki@rock.sannet.ne.jp

Tadaya Iwaya

7

Hina dolls of the Takizawa family. Photo courtesy of the Honjo Historical Museum

Glamorous GrammarGrammar is out of favour, but teachers must ‘use’ grammar in the classroom.

Like many people of my generation I went to a grammar school -- Windsor Grammar School for Boys -- from age 11 to 18.

Most of these schools disappeared in the 1980s when the education system in England and Wales changed. The above picture is for one of the few grammar schools which still exist today.

What exactly was a ‘grammar school’? Basically, students used to take a test at age 11 and they were then separated into academic students (who went to grammar schools) and non-academic students (who went to secondary schools) based on their scores. It was very unfair to try and judge a child’s intellectual ability at such an early age and so the grammar school system was eventually abolished.

In the same way, perhaps, grammar is now going out of favour in language learning. The new buzzwords in English language education are ‘communicative teaching’, ‘content-based learning’ and even ‘the direct method’. I believe that a fresh approach to anything, particularly in the classroom, can bring new insights and a better understanding. Each of the above three methods is valuable and effective in its own way.

However, I also believe very strongly in the importance of English grammar. Let’s be clear about what grammar is: grammar is the system of rules which give meaning to a language:

- if the English language were a computer, then grammar would be the Windows operating system that makes it work (and sometimes not work!); - if the English language were a painting by Da Vinci, then grammar would be the different oil colours that Da Vinci used on his canvas; - if the English language were a living creature, then grammar would be the different organs that help to keep the body alive.

This list makes use of the 3rd conditional ‘if’ clause in which we use ‘if’ and ‘the past tense’ with ‘would’ to talk about hypothetical situations.

Do you really need to know that?

Unless you are a language teacher, then you probably do not. Do you need to understand how to use 3rd conditional? If you wish to become good at English, then probably you do (and that last sentence used the 2nd conditional). To put it another way, does it really help a student of English to practice and study the language by focusing on different aspects of grammar?For many years outsiders have been critical of the way Japanese education focused on endless grammar exercises to teach English. The result, they say, was that most students lost motivation to study the language after they had passed (or failed) their entrance tests. Furthermore, Japanese could answer complicated grammar questions on paper, but few of them could hold even a basic conversation in the language. I am not going to defend the

traditional Japanese English teaching method because I agree that it was deeply flawed. Nevertheless, grammar is the building blocks of the language and the teacher must therefore use it to help the student develop a good understanding of the language.

Some will argue that native speakers do not learn the language from grammar books. They pick it up naturally from the people and environment around them. Shouldn’t language learners follow the same course? As a teacher in Japan I am aware that the best advice I can give to a student with lots of time and money is to go and live in an English-speaking country for some time. Fortunately (for me), very few people are able to do that. So, I have to try to help them learn it artificially.

As a teacher of English, grammar is the starting point for any lesson that I teach, with young as well as older students, with beginners as well as advanced students. Over the years I have found that the students who have made the quickest progress, at any age or at any level, are those who can quickly grasp grammatical rules. They, just as crucially, develop this in tandem with their other language skills -- vocabulary, fluency, listening, pronunciation, etc.

I am not saying that I use unique, ‘miracle’ teaching methods. Far from it. The motivation to study comes from the student and I simply try to build on this in a balanced way starting from the grammatical foundations (and, fortunately, most Japanese do know English grammar very well, but have had little chance to ‘use’ it).

In light of this, it would be tempting to rename my school an ‘English Grammar School’ rather than an ‘English Conversation School’. However, this would be to overlook another major problem which Japanese students have with the English language -- pronunciation.

I once tried explaining to a Japanese student that I had gone to a school called ‘Windsor Grammar School’ and that it was an academic school for boys. However, her reaction was a short laugh and a confused expression.

“Really? You went to a glamour school? A boys glamour school?” she said

Now there’s an idea!

Chris Sato

Chris Sato runs a small language school in Yurihonjo City. Photos also provided by Chris Sato.

Photo by Mathew Kuehl

Matsuo Bashô

NarrativesGoing to the Top of AkitaI got up too early, put three rice balls, a chocolate bar, a bottle of water and a thermos of tea in my bag, and walked out the door. Conbini Sato wouldn't open for another hour. In Jinego there's only one convenience store and it was closed. The vending machines were open. So I bought two cans of coffee instead of sunblock.

Forty-five minutes later, I arrived at Haraikawa, the trailhead. It was a beautiful April day. Maybe in Kisakata spring had arrived, but not here on the slopes of Mt. Chokai. The snowbanks by the road formed a tunnel. The mountain was sitting snow-covered, waiting patiently. Fifteen minutes later, Mr. Murayama arrived. He's the oldest teacher at my school and is somehow faster for it. He loves to hike and so do I.

The trail up Mt. Chokai winds its way, zig-zagging over rocks and streams, but not when it's covered with snow. When it's covered with snow you can go straight to the top. I suppose you could turn, but your boots might lose traction. A hundred people were hiking that day, most of them with skis. Mr. Murayama and I weren't carrying skis, because we believe in the saying, "No pain, no pain." Still, we wanted to have fun going down, so we brought two pieces of heavy duty plastic. Calling them sleds would be an overstatement.

We got to the top three hours later. Not a bad time, all things considered. I suppose you don't want to stop for long water breaks when, if you sit down, your butt gets cold. Like I said, it was a beautiful April day, but at the top it was windy -- it was ridiculously windy -- and very cold too. So we quickly took some pictures, feeling pretty good about the ascent, and started back down. We couldn't use our sleds at the top because it was too steep. But a little way down we could, and in 10 minutes we slid back to the halfway point.

I had assumed we would go up and down fast, maybe finishing with a late lunch in Yashima. But Mr. Murayama disagreed -- apparently it's traditional in Japan to have a large lunch when hiking. Mr. Murayama took out his stove, canned meat, tea, ramen, rice balls and chocolate, and gave half to me. I felt a little embarrassed, considering how little I brought, but that feeling soon passed and we enjoyed the bleak and lifeless, magnificent and pristine, scenery. We could see Yashima and Honjo to the north and the Sea of Japan to the west.

After lunch and some more sledding, we got back to the cars. Mr. Murayama drove home, and I drove to the onsen to nurse my sunburned face. It was a bad sunburn that hurt even a week later before my face peeled and I grew a new one. But the mountain and onsen are still there. I'll be back to visit both, as soon as it snows a bit more.

Douglas Perkins

11

Everyone Gets Run Over Here

I've heard of ALTs who have been run over and/or hit by a car numerous times. Today was my turn.

It was still a sticky summer but it had just started pouring. I rushed home before the torrent of rain. Once I was in my small haven of an apartment, I made a delicious dinner of rich aubergine pasta for one. It was quite a stressful day, so I did what anyone would do to relax... I flexed my hand muscles, flipped on the 'net... typed in the voyeuristic site and reached down... to the keyboards where I was ready to spend my night trolling Facebook. In the middle of thinking of witty comments to post on friends' photos, a horrible feeling crept over. I owed someone money -- big time. I choked on a bit of aubergine as I came to the realization that it was 7:48pm. I needed money now. As we all are sorely aware now, banks in Japan close ridiculously early. I wouldn't have time tomorrow morning before school to rush to the bank. I had to do it now, or risk being an ass in front of the whole school staff (as if I wasn't already). I remembered some banks here closed at 5pm, maybe 8pm if I was lucky? I was 10 minutes from the closest bank, and, seeing as I had 12 minutes get there, I was pondering whether or not getting soaked in the rain was worth it. Tick. 11 minutes until the ATM remained open, if at all. I was shifting on my feet. Decisions decisions! I called my friend who lived near the bank.

"Tell me, what time does the bank close?" I asked.

"Hm 5? 8? 9?" was the reply.

"Uh... thanks. That's reeeally helpful. Okay bye," I gratefully replied.

It was 7:51. Just get the stupid money, I motivationally assured myself, your messing around has wasted valuable time, loser! I psyched myself out before I headed out the door coatless. I wasn't trying to be staunch -- my precious Daiso raincoat had ripped that week. Okay, now I had 8 minutes to get to that bank. I peddled as fast as my bike would take me. I was on a mission. I was above red lights -- those little red men had no law over me. I tore through them as I flicked my wet hair from my face. Boy, was I a badass.

Then I saw it. The taxi came from my right. It was so close I hardly had time to brake. I tried to squeeze those brakes, but the rain and my stupidity didn't really leave much margin for error. My life didn't flash before me; I just tried to get out of the way. Things did seem to happen in slow motion though. I was looking at the taxi and even in that split-second registered him eating a donut with his left hand. It was covered in icing sugar. And he just kept chewing on it while I was braking. Finally, the taxi driver screeched his brakes. The next second, everything was still. Nothing hurt. I looked down and I still had my limbs. I WAS OK! I looked back up at the taxi driver. Was he shocked? Surprised? No. He just kept chewing that white-powdered donut, except that he now had white icing-sugar all over his face. I had to laugh. There was no point hanging around. It was time to be on my merry way. It was raining and people had to be places. I pulled my bike up and nothing happened except this loud squeaking noise. I pulled at my bike again and there it was again. I peered through the rain to see that my tire had gotten squished underneath the taxi's front wheel. I looked up at the taxi driver again and motioned him to reverse a bit. He complied. My adrenalin was pumping. I remembered that I was still on a mission and biked outta there. To the bank!

Yatai!! (or whatever Hiro says from Heroes). The ATM was open and I made it in a record 6 minutes. I hurried to the ATM and while it was processing my request I peered

over at the guy next to me. He looked cozy and dry in his non-Daiso jacket. He caught my eye and gave me a little stare. I turned towards my ATM and smiled. Although I was soaking; although I could have been in a serious accident; although I should have been miserable, I was completely happy. Mission accomplished.

“S”

My First TimeWhat can one say about their first time? It was memorable? It was fun? You don’t remember or don’t want to remember? Either way, we all get through it and for some of us it gets better the more we do it. I am speaking of course about introductions (how else would I get you guys interested in my story?).

I remember when I had to give my introduction to my school. (It was only about 3 months ago so it’s not too hard to remember.) It was a hot day just like any other August day in Akita. I finally had the chance to meet my JTE and my school for the first time since coming to Japan and after hanging out with some of the kids that I have seen in town I had nothing but great expectations of my time here in Fujisato. During the past couple of weeks sitting in the BoE twiddling my thumbs, I made good use of my time preparing a speech that I could use to impress everyone at my school, and since I knew little Japanese at the time, I decided to use the assistance of internet websites to help translate for me. This was all working very well and I was excited to give my speech to the world even if that world was a school of 108 people including teachers. So finally there I am sitting on the stage -- alone -- with the school principal introducing me for the first time. I am obviously sweating from the Akita heat and wearing full business attire. I finally stand and grab my speech which I conveniently folded in my pocket.

Or at least, that’s where I thought I had it.

Now I start searching for it, frantically looking in all my pockets with no papers to be found. Now I am standing there thinking what to do. I am running in my brain all the Japanese words I know and see if they can blend into a decent introduction. I start by saying my name: “Watashi no namae wa James Jones desu.” Ok. So far so good, I think to myself.

“Watashi wa ni-juu san sai desu.”

I congratulate myself: Great, great. Keep going. All you need is two more and you are done.

“Watashi wa Eigo wakaimasu,” Ummm, I think they know this already but let’s work with it. Ok. Let’s wrap this up before my brain explodes.

“Horosiku (“yuroshiku,” which I later find out) onegai shimasu.”

I bow and my JTE comes to me, saying, “That’s great, you know very good Japanese, but can you please do your speech in English? I am prepared to translate for you.” And with that my life as an ALT begins.

Thanks to Harsh I have written two Haikus of my own:

Time will never stopThis I am very sure of

Enjoy what you do

Akita has snowPiles of snow at my door

I hate to shovel =(James Jones

14

A Junkie’s Guide to Karaoke

IntroductionIt’s 2:10 AM. After ignoring the "phone call" for as long as humanly possible, you've forfeited the battle. Now, all alone, you sit outside in the gutter drinking a Pocari Sweat thinking of the past three hours. A Japanese man walks past you and notices that you are mumbling to yourself. Scared, but with shochu courage coursing through his veins, he wonders what exactly it is you speak of. Regret, money, Ann Green, a fictional textbook character love that could never be? No. The man wanders a little closer and can hear only the lyrics of Meatloaf’s “I’d Do Anything for Love.” Sure, he doesn’t know what the lyrics mean, but he heard that song enough times while not studying Business

Management during his Tokyo college years to know that he should probably leave before he gets into some kind of gaijin shuffle. He is gone, you keep singing, but in your mind, you don’t care about the lyrics. All you think about now is how beautiful that girl “Sweet Caroline” was, how you wish you had a little bit more “Umbrella,” and most importantly, when and where will you get your next hit. A trillion synapses fire in your brain; it’s 3:15. You decide that a gaijin trap is no place for a star like you. Anyway, you aren’t drunk at all. Unless you consider drunk to be the cascade of endorphins in your brain that is karaoke, then yes, you are as wasted as a salary man on his third beer.

Welcome to the life of a karaoke junkie. Sure, we junkies all have slightly different stories and lifestyles, but we all have one goal: our next hit. Unlike most junkies though, we have discriminating tastes. We won’t settle for anything. We know which places have the best selection, atmosphere, point card system, and nomihodai; if we don’t know, give us three minutes and we can find out. We look to make each hit better than the last. The karaoke junkie’s prowess is not inherited, but learned. To become a god or demigod of karaoke and have fun during the long winter nights of Akita, one must struggle, sweat, and sing some of the worst songs possible. That was until now. I, Love Shack, the altruistic karaoke junkie, will provide you with a detailed scientific analysis of the world of karaoke. After extensive research, experimenting, and field observations, I have discovered “The Theory of Special Karaoke Relativity.” Now you, too, can become a karaoke junkie without suffering the hardships of your predecessors.

DiscussionThe name “Theory of Special Karaoke Relatively” is clearly a rip off of Einstein’s “Theory of Special Relativity.” This was done intentionally, not because I am uncreative, but because the Karaoke Theory draws many parallels to Einstein’s. Let’s begin by looking and defining the variables of this theory.

“After extensive research, experimenting, and field observations, I have discovered ‘The Theory of Special Karaoke Relativity.’”

Theory of Special Karaoke Relatively

Where• A = Awesomeness

• s = Skill

• E = Energy

Karaoke Awesomeness can be defined as “how hard you rock a song while singing at karaoke.” This is the ultimate goal of karaoke. The harder you rock, the more fun you have and the more fun other people have too. Awesomeness consists of two variables: Skill and Energy. While Awesomeness is a relatively simple concept (even for the “awesomely challenged” to understand), let us delve deeper into the many complexities that is Awesomeness.

Skill is defined as “how pleasant you are on the ears.” Unfortunately, skill is an unforgiving variable. If you sound like a tanuki after a fermented persimmon bender (a.k.a. kaki viking), chances are you are going to stay that way until you invest in some lessons and/or vocal cord surgery.

Energy is defined as “passion for the karaoke song.” Unlike skill, which for all intents and purposes is fairly concrete, Energy can be divided down into subvariables.

Where

• ε = enthusiasm (ε ≥ 1)

• D = Duet = 1 (solos), 2 (duets to octets), or 3 (nonet or higher)

• s = song selection

• i = interpretive dance or “karaography,” a specialized form of choreography

• v = velocity

• B = Bohemian Rhapsody

Yep, that is a lot of variables, and while they are all not clear cut, this theory should help you determine how awesome a karaoke song will be.

16

Unlike enthusiasm and Duet, song selection, s, is a tricky variable. Increase the value of s by selecting songs people enjoy listening to. This can be achieved in two ways: 1) pick songs that are popular; 2) rock out on a song and convince people to like that song. I never thought I would have been a fan of The Beatles’ “Twist and Shout,” but a local Akita legend (no, not Neigar or Sanpei) convinced me otherwise. s must also be ≥ 1.

The novice karaoke practitioner may not know that the tempo of any song can be increased to varying degrees. The higher the tempo, the more awesome your karaoke song will be. A large v value, velocity, will make many Elton John songs tolerable and will cause people’s heads to explode when they hear a ramped up version of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” Again, if no adjustments to Tempo are made, v = 1; if v is not 1, it must be a non-negative integer greater than 1.

B is Bohemian Rhapsody and is the most controversial and challenged segment of The Theory of Special Karaoke Relativity. Personally and scientifically, I think Bohemian Rhapsody sucks. It has one good part that everyone likes and the rest is just junk. Plus, it’s seven minutes long (or at least feels like it). Increase the tempo and it sucks less. I have sung a lot of bad songs including “Land Down Under” by Men at Work, “Sk8ter Boi” by Avril Lavigne, and that song from “Land Before Time” and I would rather sing all 3 of those songs in a continuous loop for two hours than sing Bohemian Rhapsody again. B = 1000. If you want a good group song, sing “Piano Man.”

Now that we have defined all the variables let’s look at our equation again.

One of the advantages to this theory (and the very nature of karaoke) is that to attain high levels of Awesomeness, one does not necessarily need to be skilled at karaoke. Since Energy, e, increases at an exponential rate, bigger gains to Awesomeness can be achieved by increasing e rather than skill, s. This allows all people of varying skill levels and potentials to achieve godlike status in the karaoke box.

Now for an example scenario:

You are an average singer with a lot of spunk and nothing to lose. Your best ALT friend is drunk and willing to take off his/her pants and/or dance. You have typed in “Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas into the karaoke remote control; you have convinced your friend not to sing Bohemian Rhapsody. Also, you just learned that you can turn up the tempo, but since you love to sing about “the blue corn moon” you say “no dice.”

Calculate!

Duet = 2. Velocity = 1. Since you are average, we may not know specifically what your value for Skill is, but we can assume that since you don’t suck, it’s a positive/non-zero real number. Your friend is wasted so Interpretive Dance will be a (very) large, positive real number. You have nothing to lose which means Enthusiasm is also large and positive. Luckily, the song is not Bohemian Rhapsody, so that equals 0. If we write that all out then:

A = s(ε *2*1*i – 0)2

A = s(2 ε i)2

Or

A = sE2

While predicting the precise value for A is impossible based on the current data and research in the field of karaoke, we can predict the relative value of Awesomeness of any karaoke song from this equation. In the previous case, as long as all variables stay consistent throughout the performance, the person will definitely have an awesome song.

Let’s try another example.

You are out with a friend that you met at Tokyo orientation. While at the time you thought she/he was cool, having spent many months outside of that euphoric JET stage, you realized you were lucky to be placed several hundred miles away from that person. However, by chance or Namahage magic, you meet each other in Tokyo and go out to karaoke for “old times’ sake.” He/she is going to sing solo which is bad because you think that his/her singing might be better even as some sort of horrific amalgamation of a duet. The dude/dudet doesn’t dance and you didn’t realize this before, but she/he is incredibly monotone. If he/she were monotone and raspy that might be cool, but this person is just monotone. The song: Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose.” A personal favorite as it reminds you of a bromance/girl crush back in the motherland, but you know this kid can’t pull it off.

Calculate!

A = (s)*(ε *1*1*1 – 0)2

A = s ε 2

By inputting the proper values into the equation (skill and enthusiasm are tiny positive real numbers; assume proper respective values for the other variable) we see that the awesomeness is essentially nonexistent.

A = sE2

This definitely isn’t going to be an awesome song. While even the best karaoke sessions are bound to have a few duds, use strategy and logical argument when selecting songs in order to create a truly awesome night of karaoke.

18

Graph and Figures

Figure 1. Artist rendition of a particular awesome night at a karaoke Snack Bar.

ConclusionWhile the mysteries behind Karaoke Awesomeness are better understood, this does not mean that its grandeur is lost. While we may no longer be naive about ideas such as energy, velocity, karaography, The Theory of Special Karaoke Relativity levels the playing field for the average person. No longer must the common person sit alone in a Snack Bar with Sakura and a girl whose name means “perpetual beauty,” drinking a 5000 yen bottle of umeshu. For those of us whose last time singing in public was at our 6th grade Christmas concert, there is hope. We can grab that mic, jump on stage, and rock out a version of the “The Rainbow Connection” like the world has never seen.

In conclusion, if you are a terrible singer but you secretly desire to be a karaoke junkie, there is hope for you. Use science to your advantage and tailor a karaoke routine that will stun and amaze the masses. If by chance your favorite song is “Bohemian Rhapsody,” do not despair. If we look at the equation again, while singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” is bound to always give you a negative E value, since E is always squared, the final number will always be positive. Theoretically, you could suck so bad, but somehow, in a move that almost defies the laws of physics, totally rock the song. This is the mystery that is karaoke.

Matt Kuehl, AKA “Love Shack” (photo also provided by Matt Kuehl)

Call for SubmissionsNow that Hanabi has been successfully revived we want to improve the magazine with every passing season. That means we need submissions. The staff will consider any

kind of writing, including creative work. We are especially interested in:

1. Letters to the Editor Your (tasteful) opinions of Hanabi features from back issues will give us an idea of what Akita JETs consider valuable in grassroots journalism.

2. Travel Narratives in Tohoku There’s a lot to see and do in Akita and nearby prefectures and you have the advantage of living here. Tell us all you know.

3. Editorials Perhaps life in Japan has given you an unexpected perspective on things, or confirmed some opinions you already had.

4. Original Art and Photography We would love to display more images in coming issues, although they will be limited to black and white.

Keep in mind that, as with any publication, the staff of Hanabi may choose not to publish any material for any reason. Furthermore, we may need to make formatting adjustments. We will, of course, try to be accommodating.

That said, the quality of Hanabi is mostly in the hands of Akita JETs and other English speakers in the area. Our magazine has no theme or genre, nor does it have hundreds of contributions from which we can screen for what tickles our fancy. And so, if you want to change the content of Hanabi, submitting an article is the best way.

We look forward to further showcasing the writing talent of Akita. Please e-mail submissions to me at:

ludditehypocrite@gmail.com

Or to Dan Dooher at:

centalt@akita-c.ed.jp

Alex Miner

20