HELP YOUR CHILD ATTACK ANXIETY

ARC Counselling Serviceswww. http://www.arcweb.org.uk/

Wokingham0118 977 6710

Our Aims

• Identify cause & effect of Anxiety • Understand Anxiety• Look at our beliefs about Anxiety• What can we as parents do to help• What may not be helpful• Learn to give the support your child needs• Help them take control• Help our children learn to manage anxiety• How to communicate about anxiety

Why Understand Anxiety?

If we understand how it affects our bodies, our emotions, our mind and behaviour it may help us:

•Make sense of it for ourselves•Explain it to our children

Anxiety v Panic v Fear • Anxiety is a state of intense fear of possible

threat. When anxiety becomes strong it manifests itself as a panic attack.

• Panic Attacks are associated with feelings of fears for something.

• Fear .... Is an appropriate response to a situation happening in the present to keep us safe. Humans would not have survived if it did not exist! However, we can feel inappropriate fear to a situation that is not present.

Stress Response is the Fight or Flight or Freeze

Response

The stress LION

• When we see something scary or think frightening thoughts,

• our bodies prepare us by producing adrenalin• Adrenalin increases the blood flow and

tightens all our muscles ready for action

Fight or FlightSo do we RUN AWAY, do we DEFEND ourselves

or do we play dead??

WE DO NEITHER …Fortunately there isn’t any LION

but we still end up feeling stressed…

the stress response is still in our system

But the LION becomes a worry

For example: facing a test

And consequently we experience physical and emotional symptoms

Anxiety become a problem when

LIONS (worries) make your child

• Always think negative thoughts• Feel angry all the time• Suddenly change their behaviour • Not want to communicate• Become moody• Isolate themselves• Have night terrors• Self-harm

What are your child’s LIONS?

My child’s LIONS ARE: (causes of anxiety and stress)

• Facing a test/ exam• Having to go somewhere new /new teacher• Not understanding in lessons• Thinking the teacher hates me• Not having any friends• Feeling ugly• Feeling ‘ I don’t fit in’

What happens inside my body?

The scientific bit ..• Oxygen floods in with adrenaline• Oxygen builds up and carbon dioxide slows down• Heart beats faster and digestive system shuts down

How does our child describe what is happening in their body?How to explain it to our child:Our brain is sending information to my body that there is an

immediate threat and I have to protect myself:

Fight or Flight or Freeze

Physical Effects• Warm face• Breathless and start worrying or rapid breath and heartbeat• Dizziness• May experience chest pain• Tightness in arms, legs and stomach• Numbness• Exhaustion• Body feeling hot or cold• Feel like vomiting• Dry mouth • Sweaty palms• Difficulty sleeping• Shaking• Visual problems• Rigid muscles• Sudden emotional outbursts, i.e. crying• Flight, Fight, Freeze – disassociating, switching off, isolating self

Emotional Effects

• Tense, nervous and on edge• Having a sense of dread• Fearing the worst• A feeling of ‘the world is speeding up or slowing down’• Becoming conscious when others look at me• Restless or irritated• Unable to concentrate• Numbness• Feeling isolated and alone

Mental Effects

• Mind is busy with anxious thoughts• Dwelling on negative experiences• Rumination (thinking over a situation again

and again• Worrying

How it all connects ...

ytatatatatStress

headaches

fatigue

skin irritations

frequent infections

breathlessness

sad

irritablelow confidence

fussy

depressed

worryingnightmares

negative

muddled thinking

indecisive

unable to sleep

restless

self harm

accident prone

loss of appetite

Vicious Circle of Anxiety

SituationMum is late home

1. Body = palms sweat, rapid heart beat

2. Thought: ‘she must be in an

accident’

3. Feeling worried or anxious

4. Behaviour = Asking repeatedly when she

will be home or refusing to go to bed

Window of Tolerance

Blue Healthy Anxiety ToleranceRed Unhelpful Anxious Intolerance

What maintains anxiety?

1.Our behaviour: especially when we avoid the situations we fear.

2. The beliefs we hold about the situation and its consequences.

Anticipating / expecting something bad is going to happen can create

a vicious circle of anxiety.

How can I get better?

1. Understand the process and the vicious circle of anxiety.

2. Change our lifestyle3. Learn to manage our anxiety

(Learn to say ‘no’; time management)4. Learn new skills to break the vicious circle

How do we feel when our child suffers from Anxiety and Panic?

• At fault ‘I must doing something wrong’• Helpless• Guilty• Ashamed• Stressed• Panicked• Anxious!

Good News

• ‘The good news is that anxiety in kids is very treatable and they are particularly responsive.

• We don’t give them enough credit. • They’re so open to possibility• They are very quick to make the right connections

when they’re given the right information and support.

• As the adult, we are the perfect one to give it.’

http://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-kids/

Remember ...

• You are doing the best you can• This is not about you being a bad parent• Anxiety is a normal part of life• The problem is the trigger in the brain to

send our bodies into ‘flight, fight or freeze’ - its not broken, its a response

• We all need to learn how to manage it

We can’t stop the waves, but we can learn to surf,

and so can our kids!

Back to Basics

Time ManagementHave a schedule i.e. homeworkBuild in down time / Treat timeCreate relaxed atmosphere

When was the last time you and your child had a good laugh?

Laughter improves emotional health by shifting our perspective, breaking the cycle of negativity, and improving our mood.

When You or Child is WorryingUse distraction to cope

• Go for a walk• Gardening• Watch a comedy• Bake a cake• Listen to music• Read a good book• Have a hot drink

Laughter, Music, Reading – what do you do to unwind?

Exercise

Non-competitive physical activities:•Walking •Swimming•Skateboarding•Skipping games•Cycling•Gardening•Dancing

Plenty of water – lack of water leads to dehydration which leads to a significant reduction in performance.

(Did you know - drinking out of a bottle with sports cap mimics feeding as a baby and can unconsciously reassure all is well)

Socialise – some ideas

1. After school activities2. Talking to friends3. Social networking4. Youth club5. Board games 6. Mealtimes7. Art projects / joining a band 8. Sleep overs

Mindfulness: Being in the Moment

Mindfulness is paying attention to thoughts and feelings in the present moment, accepting them without trying to change, judge or react to them

Relax ... Slow down your breathing

Relaxation helps to slow down the ‘adrenalin rush’ in the body and reduce the tension in the body. Create Relaxation Time.

Relaxing techniques

• Colouring / jigsaws• Hobbies eg: Looms bands; baking a cake• Looking after / stroking pets• Hugging• Yoga • Watching favourite TV programme• Journaling• Relaxing place

And breathe .... Exercise to helpYou could try teaching this to your child ...

• Breath in through the nose deep in the lungs for 4, hold for 4, breath out for 4 and hold it out. This is called a pattern interrupt, when we are feeling stressed we can actually amp down our response, our chemicals and hormones, using this technique. We become masters of our own bodies!

The most powerful thing you can do is make yourself the boss of your brain by .... Breathing!

And breathe .... Exercise to help

You could try this with your child ..

• Look around you; Find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste

This is called ‘grounding’. It can help you when you feel like you have lost all control of your surroundings.

What is our view of Anxiety?The way we think about things can make a difference in how we react to events.

We have a choice. We can use our personal power to make a helpful choice.

It’s up to us as parents to show children how to cope with anxiety.

Here are some things we tell ourselves ... are they true?• Anxiety is bad • Anxious thoughts and feelings will harm me if I don’t control

or get rid of them • I’m afraid of my anxious feelings• I will be ‘happy’ and ‘healthy’ by improving my ability to

avoid, reduce, get rid of my feelings of anxiety ?• If I can’t get rid of my emotional reaction its a sign of

personal failure and weakness ?

Taken from ‘How you set the Happiness Trap’

The Positives of Anxiety

• Excitement• A driving force to do better• Focusing on tasks• Signal to protect ourselves if we are in danger

My Feelings Tool box

Write them down WITH YOUR CHILD to help them remember ❑ Physical activities that help me relax are: ❑ My favourite breathing exercise is* ❑ Social activities I could do when I am anxious are: ❑ Distraction exercises I could use are: ❑ I like to relax doing:

*Remember – controlled breathing can quickly help you gaincontrol of your feelings

TOOL BOX

Techniques to manage your child’s stress and anxiety

NORMALISE IT

• Don’t reassure, because this could reinforce there is a problem to worry about

• Don’t avoid your child’s LION and• Don’t help your child avoid their LION

Eg: day off sick when there is a test

Tell them how it’s normal and it happens to everyone – adults as well as children

NORMALISE IT

• Remind them the anxiety/stress is a response that is intended by

nature to motivate them to perform better

• BUT remember sometimes it happens for no reason at all and

that’s normal too

ANTICIPATE IT

PREPARE PREPARE PREPAREPreparation for the known can be quickly activated when the unknown happens too

Talk through how to manage this performance kick

You have the tool box

DON’T JUDGE

YOUR CHILD HAS A REALLY GOOD ANTENNA AND KNOWS WHEN YOU MIGHT BE LOOKING DOWN ON THEM OR WANTING TO TELL THEM OFFAND

BE KIND TO YOURSELF, YOU ARE DOING THE BEST THAT YOU CAN TO HELP…YOU ARE HERE THIS EVENING AFTERALL

DON’T OVER IDENTIFY

You may think you know how they feel because you’ve been there, so you try to help by matching your experience to theirs.

Say something like ‘I might know what you’re feeling because I’ve been through something similar’ . This opens the door if they want to hear more, if they don’t ask - don’t keep going.

BLACK AND WHITE THINKING

Adolescents (in particular) may use EXTREME thinking and automatically assume that this is the worst problem ever… Familiar??How to help:Ask questions like:1.Can you think of a time when it wasn’t so bad?2.Do you really think it will always be this way?

Unhelpful Thinking Patterns

Can we identify any in ourselves and our child?

3 Unhelpful Thinking Patterns

There are 3 classic thinking mistakes with anxiety:1) Overestimating probability (bad thing might happen)2) Overestimating magnitude (it will be catastrophic)3) Underestimating ability to cope (I totally cannot handle this bad thing

Helping children recognise and correct these unhelpful thinking patterns is far more powerful than providing repeated reassurance.Overcoming your Childs Fears and Worries

When our child is anxious, help them think through:What is your worry saying?Kids often feel anxious without knowing why. They’ll say they don’t feel well or they just don’t want to do it. Help our child pin down what they are actually worrying about.

How likely is that? How do you know? Help our child estimate the probability.

If what they are worrying about is likely (I am going to miss you):What can you do to help yourself?

http://www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/Articles/ReassuranceDoesNotWork.aspx

Empower Our Child

• Pose each question in turn or have your child write them out so they can use them again.

• Encourage you child to answer the questions themselves. • Your aim is to help your child internalise the logical

thinking; ‘That’s worry talking to me, the worry doesn’t know what it is talking about, I don’t have to listen’. Won’t that feel good?

• This type of logical thinking makes it easier for kids to evaluate their worries, recognise and correct unhelpful thinking patterns.

http://www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/Articles/ReassuranceDoesNotWork.aspx

Think like a ‘judge’ gameGet our child thinking like a judge in court:1.Identify the suspect (the thought)2.Consider the evidence3.Check other possible suspects (other alternative ways of thinking about the situation before making a judgment4.We could get our child to think of some crime fighting or superhero character that they could use to model their thinking on.5.Encourage our child to think for themselves - then they are in a better position to handle a situation if you are not there, less likely to panic.6.More likely to remember better if they have worked it out7.Asking questions encourages them to get involved in fighting their own fears and puts them in a position of control. This is important as feeling out of control is common in anxious people. Overcoming your Childs Fears and Worries

The ‘then what?’ technique

After our child has described their worry, we could use this to help our child think if it is likely or not:‘I am afraid of standing up and not being able to speak in class’ Ask ‘then what?’‘Everyone will laugh at me?’Ask ‘then what’?This can also help our child appreciate their fears may be unfounded.

LISTEN AND REFLECT

•Are you actively listening?

AND…

•Don’t be too quick to share your own words of wisdom or try to fix it …let them talk

•Encourage your child to talk

Communication – How?

• Communication is talking but also listening• ‘When my child is ready to open up, am I ready to

communicate?• Respect natural quest for independence• Difficult when our child would rather be with

friends

Try This: take a walk, go for a drive, play a game, or perform a chore around the house. Informal settings help kids feel more inclined to open up.

Communication-cont’dTry This: When our child makes a strong statement, ‘I hate you’ you could say something like this: “I can see that you’re upset why don’t you tell me why you feel like that.” Then listen without interrupting.Try This: If our child is unresponsive to questions, try a different approach, e.g. to discover our child’s opinion on a matter, ask her how a friend of hers feels about the topic. Then ask what advice she would give her friend.

Communication – Asking Q’s

If we spot our child is anxious from their body changes or behavior we could ask OPEN Questions :

•“Why are you worried?”•“What is frightening you?”•“What do you think will happen?”

Closed question e.g. “do you worry you will get hurt?’ gives yes/no answer - not much room for discussion. Overcoming your Childs Fears and Worries

Communication: Example 1In order for our child to open up about their worries they will need to believe that we really want to understand them. We might encourage them by being letting them know we hear them:Dad ‘Ben could you just pop upstairs and get your shoes?Ben “no’Dad ‘ what is it that worries you about going upstairs?’Ben “I don’t want to go up on my own’Dad ‘what do you think will happen if you go up on your own?”Ben ‘Nobody will be up there with me”Dad “But why does that worry you?”Ben “I don’t know”Dad “ I suppose if I had to go up on my own, I might be worried too if I feel no one would be there to help me up. Is that what you’re worried about?”Overcoming your Childs Fears and Worries

Communication: Example 2Dad “I think I understand better now, can I just check with you?’Dad “The thing that is most frightening about going upstairs on your own is that no one will be there with you; and that is scary because in the film you say a monster was coming after children when their parents weren’t around. Is that right?”Ben “yeah, pretty much” Dad “Oh is it not quite right?”Ben “Well its not just their parents, its when anyone’s not around. So it’s OK if Julies is with me”Dad “Oh I see. So the main thing is that if you are on your own upstairs then you think the monster may come and take you”Ben “Yes he’d take me to his cave”Dad “ I see. That does sound very frightening if you are thinking that if you go up on your own a monster will come and take you. I can really understand it now, do you think I’ve got it right?”.Overcoming your Childs Fears and Worries

Allow IndependenceChildren need to have the chance to fight their own battles and make their own mistakes.

Sometimes when we step in to protect our child, the message we may convey to them can be “I don’t think you can cope”.

Could it be that our child is learning to regard the world as a dangerous place and they can’t manage on their own?

Overcoming your Childs Fears and Worries

Overcoming your Childs Fears and Worries

Recap ... What can I do about it?• Don’t talk children out of Anxiety• Normalise it• Explain why anxiety feels like it does• Explain how common anxiety is in adults and kids• Give it a name i.e. ‘the worry monster’ or adapt to age of child• Get them into position and in control• And don’t forget to ... Breathe• Use worksheets*

http://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-kids/

http://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-kids/

ARC Website Homepage inc. Factsheets

More Free Online Stuff ...

Helpful LinksHelpful links ...

• ARC website www.arcweb.org.uk inc. Factsheets, Mindfulness App

• http://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-kids/ Anxiety in Kids: How to Turn it Around and Protect Them For Life

• Overcoming your Childs Fears and Worries – a self help guide using cognitive behaviour techniques (CBT) Cathy Creswell & Lucy Willets (2007)

• http://www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/Articles/ReassuranceDoesNotWork.aspx

• PLEASE PICK UP LEAFLETS AND TOOLS AT END OF SESSION

Arc Counselling Services

We offer free counselling to young people and adults of any age at our agency in Wokingham.

Remember seeking help is not a sign of weakness, it takes courage to ask for help.

www.arcweb.org.uk 0118 977 6710