Growing Brains

11/22/2014

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Through the Childs Eyes

Growing Brains: a big persons role

Through the Childs Eyes:

A series presented for nurturing big people everywhere

Rebecca Mitchell, MA, RCC

Science and Heart

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Plan

The role of CONNECTION in growing brains What is attachment and what is the purpose

Development of the prefrontal cortex

Attentional hierarchy

The role of ADAPTATION in growing resilient brains Tears and the adaptive process

The role of being IN CHARGE in growing brains Emotional rest and the developing brain

Supporting through the tough stuff while staying connected Discipline that doesnt break the connection

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright

What does CONNECTEDNESS have to do with development?


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Connectedness & Development

Foundational to all growth is connection

In the research world, it is called Attachment

Attachment is the relationship between a key big person and a child

Primary attachments are the big people of central importance to a childs life typically parents

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.

Psych, Copyright


Attachment is

Biological

Evolutionary

Neurological

Emotional

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Attachment is the mechanism that keeps kids close to their big people physically & emotionally

Rubber band

Invisible string

Children are born wired for connection

Adults are meant to take care of that connection

We are stirred up by the sense of a child who needs us

A parents own temperament will come into play in terms of the intensity of this drive thus, some parents will naturally have more inner conflict about the goodbyes than other parents


Psych, Copyright

Tronicks Still Face

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The Developing Brain The key role of maturity in growing up


Maturation

Immature attentional system can lock onto only one thing at a time

everything else ceases to exist!

This is a natural part of development

The either/or system

Maturation of this system is NOT inevitablea process that is very susceptible to external interference

However the potential for maturation is in every single individual

Copyright Dr. Gordon Neufeld

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Maturation

When we shift from either/or to this and that we see incredible growth!

We have background, context

We have a back of the mind where we hold onto other things as we think through an issue

Applies to sensory inputs, thoughts, feelings, values

When you can see multiple points of view, ideas, etc. then we know the attentional system is developing



Two different ideas

existing at the same time = self-control

Reflective

blending together = impulsive

Images fromhttp://www.tamingthegoblin.com/2013/04/the-sunday-parenting-party-loosening.html

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Maturation

Maturation is very impacted by the strength of the incoming signals If you have a child who is intense, the signals are too strong

and they are way harder to mix

Mixing bowl of emotions is the prefrontal cortex

Does not begin until at least age 5-7 years

And at that, begins and continues only if the conditions are conducive


Attention is hierarchical

Curiosity and

individuation/mixing

Adaptation

Physical hunger

Alarm

Attachment

Luxury

Luxury

I nt ens i t y

I nt ens i t y

2.


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Adaptation

And the role of tears in maturation and resiliency in the brain


Adaptation is Foundational

We need to be safely held at the point of realizing the things that cannot be changed

When we come to the point of knowing that there is nothing left to do but cry, the adaptive process has been primed

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Fears to Tears

Finding our way to our tears when we are freaked out is essential

It is how we grow resilient brains

Tears are super OKAY IF:

the rules of connection have been followed

The tears are supported by a nurturing, caring, understanding adult who has their hulk on


Psych, Copyright

Prime Adaptation

Give the child a message of hope in advance or open the door and make room for the upset, invite it rather than be afraid of it

e.g., We are going to swimming now. I know sometimes that is really hard for you you want to stay at home, you dont like swimming, and the water can feel cold! I just want you to know that even if it is hard for you and you need to have some tears about that, it is okay and we will get through itwe are going to be okay.

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A script

1. You can be upset.

2. I can handle it.

3. We are going to be fine.


Beware of the upside down dynamic!!

The role of being IN CHARGE in growing brains


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Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright

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The Experience of the Child in Charge


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Hulking it up Finding your way to be BIG and all knowing


Hulk it up

You just gotta be B.I.G.!

A child must always feel like their big people just know.

Big people must believe that they are the answer to their child.

Even if a big person does not know the way through for the child, there needs to be this inherent belief within the parent that they can and will find the way through.


Psych, Copyright

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Whos in charge?

The parent is thrown into a position of pursuit rather than provision of proximity (closeness to the child), turning themselves into a psychological pretzel to make the child happy or avoid upset

The child is then forced into the role of provider and the whole situation is turned on its head!

A child who cannot depend on their parent to be in the lead will by default, put themselves in the lead

A child who is in the lead is not a child at emotional rest


Psych, Copyright

Getting your HULK on

For parents to find their way back to their hulk:

Guilt needs to be welcomed as a comforting motivator to make things better

Experts need to facilitate and nurture in parents the natural intuition of attachment

Parents need to believe that they are their childs answer

Parents cannot appear bewildered, afraid of, or angered by their childs behavior

Parents take responsibility for cues, step in and take care of things

Parents cannot ask questions of the child about why they are sad, etc. but instead must nod knowingly and provide answers


Psych, Copyright

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The open and closed door

The trap of reasoning and expecting rational

responses


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A Summary Script

1. You can be upset.

2. I can handle it.

3. We are going to be fine.

4. I know what you need and I can take care of it


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No matter what


Psych, Copyright

The Roots of Behavior

Developmentally Appropriate

Behavior

Developmentally Appropriate

Behavior

Traditional Response to Behavior

(separation-based)

Traditional Response to Behavior

(separation-based)

Experience of fear-based activation

Experience of fear-based activation

acting out acting out

Experiences of Separation Experiences

of Separation

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Our perceptions

What are we actually responding to when we have a child who is misbehaving The behavior? or

Something else?

How does our answer to this question impact how we respond to the child in any given moment?

Our perceptions

The Myth of the Observable

Our answer is our foundation for how we are driven in our relationships with children

If we respond to the behavior, we will likely rely on traditional practices of time outs, consequences, removal of privileges

If, however, we respond to the something else we will find ourselves following a very different path

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Neufeld

Gordon Neufeld Hold on to your Kids

The very most succinct description of how to respond to challenging behaviours through the simplicity of connection

7 key points in Discipline that does not divide chapter. His words, writing, and ideas are shared here and reflected more thoroughly in his book.

www.gordonneufeld.com

Nurturing Discipline

1.Use Connection, Not Separation, to Bring a Child into Line

e.g. Time outs, naughty mats, go to your room

A childs most significant fear is that they will be abandoned by their key care providers

Connection before direction

If the connection is not there, the direction cannot happen you must build in the connection first and get over the urge to direct without power

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2.When Problems Occur, Work the Relationship, Not the Incident

Ignore the urge to fall prey to the immediacy principleare we really going to let him/her get away with this?

Remember, every behavior serves a purposeI have a need!

Do not teach in the moment

Proceed by stopping the behavior if needed and preserve the relationship at all costs


2. CONTWhen Problems Occur, Work the Relationship, Not the Incident Avoid comments like that makes me sad, those words hurt my feelings

Instead, try you are really frustrated; you wanted me to say yes and I said no

Can say This is not good...this needs to stop we will talk about this later

Warm calm tone more important that any words

Revisit the behavior later when the intensity has calmed remember collect and then direct

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3.When things arent working for the child, draw out the tears instead of trying to teach the lesson

Be the Agent of Futility and the Angel of comfort

Present the reality firmly (but NOT harshly), without a lot of explanation or justification lest you withdraw the very futility you are working to instill save this for after the futility has sunk in


4.Solicit the good intentions instead of demanding good behavior Focus on the childs intentions, rather than their actual behaviors

Good intentions are like goldthey represent value and a sense of responsibility

Collect the child and cultivate connection so they are open to your influence

Do you think you could? Can I count on you? Are you willing to give it a try?

Highlight the childs will rather than your own

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5.Draw out the mixed feelings instead of trying to stop impulsive behavior

Behavior is typically driven by instincts and emotion, not conscious decisions

Self-control is driven by mixed feelings, not will power

This and that We are having such a good time right now. I remember

earlier you were so mad at me you really let me have it. Isnt it funny the way we can get so mad at the ones we love.


6.When dealing with an impulsive child, script the desired behavior rather than demanding maturity

Especially helpful if child does not have the capacity for mixed feelings yet

Scripting allows the child to function until the natural maturation process unfolds

Provide cues for what to do and how like teaching a skill e.g. skating

Collect before scripting

Avoid: No, dont stop, not, quit

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7.When unable to change the child, try changing the childs world This change alters the experiences that give rise to the behavior

Structure and routine

Three necessary precursors

We must recognize the futility of our own previous courses of action

We must have some insight about possible triggers for the child

We must have the power to exert some influence over these triggers

NOT to the exclusion of the other 6 keys

Collecting

Get in space/face in friendly way

the eyes, the smile, and

the nod - Dr. Neufeld

2.

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Resources

www.zoneinworkshops.com

www.gordonneufeld.com - Hold Onto Your Kids (newest Edition)

www.sickkids.ca/imp

www.odinbooks.ca

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Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych & Associates

778-294-8732

www.lapointepsychology.com

South Surrey, BC

Encouraging hope through nurturing

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Growing Brains

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Transcript of Growing Brains