Grapevine, Issue 1 2010

issUE 1 2010

NEW ZEA LAND’S OWN FAMI LY MAGAZINE delivered free to 160,000 homes all over the country … (see p.2 & 3)

• Hilary Barry: news presenter • just loving Vancouver• teenagers: the curse of the curfew• moods of the Routeburn

Your child’s brain through those first three years

plus ...LOST IN SPACEAlzheimer’s Disease

Brainy!

One million unlucky homes are missing out on Grapevine And they’re not just numbers. They’re families with problems … couples with tensions … parents tearing their hair out.

They’re people, just like you and me, going through the whole range of experiences that Grapevine writes about: marriage conflicts, spirited kids, erupting teenagers, self-doubt, substance abuse, loneliness, ageing, depression, grief, you-name-it.

Grapevine is currently delivered FREE (four times a year) to 160,000 lucky Kiwi homes. And yours might be one of them.

But one million UNLUCKY homes are still missing out on the valuable insights that Grapevine shares …

… because sponsors for those homes/towns/regions have not yet been found.

GO TO WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ ... PHONE 0800-GRAPEVINE (0800-47-27-38)

Giving them Grapevine is as easy as 1-2-3If you want to help make New Zealand a healthier, happier, safer place for your kids and grandkids to grow up in …

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4 Grapevine – iSSUe 1/2010

Alzheimer’s disease is a family af fair. It affects people just like you. Mothers, fathers, husbands, wives. The cared-for and the caregivers. How can you tell if it’s Alzheimer’s? What about the bizarre behaviours? And how come you feel so guilty?

Kiwi paediatrician, Dr Simon Rowley, talks about the early years in your baby’s life … what’s happening inside his or her brain … and what you can do to help ensure that those happenings are the best they possibly can be for your little guy or girl.

cont

ents

36 Lost In Space: Alzheimer’s Disease

14 Brainy: Your Child’s Brain Through Those First Three Years

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36 Lost In Space: Alzheimer’s Disease

14 Brainy: Your Child’s Brain Through Those First Three Years

grapevine for your street or school ..... 2pick of the Bunch ........................... 6sherman’s lagoon ..........................10 from where i sit ............................11you ain’t gonna Believe this .............13grapepuzzles ...............................24scrubcutters ..........................25 & 57home-sweet-home .........................32adventures in time ........................33stillpoint ....................................46families Unlimited ..........................62

Managing Editor:John Cooney

associate Editors:Mike CooneyPaul Freedman

promotions Manager:Frances Coventry

distribution Manager:Brent Curtis

design: URBAN_i: Craig Haythornthwaite

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delivery: PMP Distribution

website:www.grapevine.org.nz

Published by Grapevine Communications Society Ltd.All correspondence toPrivate Bag 92124,Victoria Street West,Auckland 1142, New Zealand.Phone: 09 813 4956Fax: 09 813 4957Email: [email protected]

our mission:To promote stable, loving relationships ... to tackle family hurts and headaches in a positive, helpful way ... to inject fun, hope and wholeness into homes all over the country.

sponsor grapevine:Make sure your home and/or your street don’t miss out. See page 2 & 3.

Copyright:The entire contents of this issue are copyright © March 2010. Permission to reprint must be obtained in advance.

The Routeburn track, traversing 32 kilometres of the Mt Aspiring and Fiordland National Parks, has been described as “all the good tracks of New Zealand put together!”

26 Moods Of The Routeburn

54 Hilary Barry: Take 10

This skyscraper city-of-glass has green rain-forests, blue seas, white mountaintops, pink sock-eye salmon and rainbow-coloured gardens …

Published four times a year to give New Zealand families a lift – 100% independent, community-based, not-for-profit.

PLUS!

Our popular TV news presenter talks about Burma’s opposition leader, Japanese restaurants, Mt Everest and George Clooney …

58 Just Loving Vancouver

Tomato & Chicken Bake0

Tomato & Chicken Bake


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leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Mmmmm … is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” said the little girl. She tasted it again. “Is it champagne?” “Noooooooo,” replied the little girl.

“It’s a puppy!”

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP #1:Are you tired of making – then fail-ing to keep – the same resolutions year after year? Here are some you can easily accomplish …

ANTS IN HIS PANTS? Customs officials in Norway were a lit-tle suspicious of an unnamed man who’d arrived on a ferry from Denmark. “We quickly realised that he was smuggling animals,” reported Helge Breilid, spokeswoman at Kristiansand Customs. “His whole body was in constant motion!”

Officers forced the 22-yr-old Dane to remove his shirt. There they found 14 socks taped to his body – each con-taining a royal python!

But wait, there’s more: when they made him drop his pants, the customs staff found 10 cans strapped to his legs – each containing an albino leopard gecko!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISS!It was the kindergarten teacher’s birth-day and the kids decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first child, whose parents owned a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, “I guess these are flowers?” The little boy grinned.

The second child, whose parents owned a food outlet, gave her a present. She held it and said, “I think this might be chocolates?”

“How did you guess?” asked the student.The third child, whose parents owned

a liquor store, gave her a box which was

CANNED GECKOS & BOXED PUPS

iSSUe 1/2010 – Grapevine 7

SIGNZ #1On gym wall: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!

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– Gain weight, at least 10 kilos.– Read less. (Reading makes you think.)– Stop bringing lunch from home – eat out more.– Don’t believe politicians.– Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks.– Get in a whole NEW rut!– Wait for opportunity to knock.– Don’t have eight children at once.

BEST ‘OUT-OF-OFFICE’ AUTOMATIC E-MAIL REPLIES:1. I’m currently at a job interview. I’ll

reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You’re receiving this automatic response because I’m out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I’m not able to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from holi-day. Please be patient. Your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each addi-tional word in your message.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY CLASSICSON TURNING 70:“You still chase women, but only down-hill.”

ON TURNING 80:“That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

ON TURNING 90:“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

ON TURNING 100:“I don’t feel old. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

HEAR ABOUT…… the two air-heads putting up a fence? Air-head #1: “Hey, this nail is defective. The point is on the wrong end!” Air-head #2: “It’s not defective, you dumbo. It’s for the other side of the fence!”

PC STATEMENTS FOR THE 21st CENTURY:• Yourbedroomisn’tcluttered–it’sjust

“passage restrictive.”• Kids don’t get grounded anymore –

they merely hit “social speed bumps.”• You’re not late – you’ve just got a

“rescheduled arrival time.”• You’re not having a bad hair day –

you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

• Noone’stallanymore–they’re“verti-cally enhanced.”

• They’renotshy,either–just“conversa-tionally selective.”

• And it’s no longer called gossip – it’scalled “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”

TOP 10 USELESS INVENTIONS:black highlighter1. Braille driver’s manual2. clear correction fluid3.


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SIGNZ #3In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.

– Personal goal: don’t bring back disco.– Spend more time at work, surfing the web.– Stop exercising: waste of time.– Focus on the faults of others.– Don’t drive a motorised vehicle across thin ice.– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

THE TEXAS THREE-KICK RULE:A big-city Californian lawyer went duck-hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s paddock on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an eld-erly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this paddock, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “But this is my property, and you’re not coming over here!”

The indignant lawyer threatened, “I’m one of the best lawyers in the country – if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you for everything you own!”

But the old farmer just smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagree-ments like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What’s the Texas Three Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick

SIGNZ #2On motorway billboard: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs!

fake rhinestones4. inflatable dart board5. mesh umbrella6. motorcycle air conditioner7. sugar-coated toothpaste8. superglue Post-It notes9. the system that allows you to report 10. power failures via the Internet

HEAR ABOUT …… the biscuit who wouldn’t stop crying? Why? Because his mother was a wafer so long.

MORE BOB HOPE CLASSICS!ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY BOX-ING CAREER: “I ruined my hands in the ring – the referee kept stepping on them!”

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR:“Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, Passover!”

ON GOLF:“Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”

ON GOING TO HEAVEN“I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP #2:– Create loose ends.– Procrastinate more, starting tomorrow.


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you three times, then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The lawyer figured he could easily take the old codger, so he agreed to the contest.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city man. His first kick landed in the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick caught him square on the nose, knocking him flat on his back. The farmer’s third kick to the kidneys nearly finished him off.

The lawyer staggered to his feet: “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn!”

But the farmer just smiled, “Naw,” he said. “I give up. You can have the duck …”

MORE ‘OUT-OF-OFFICE’ AUTOMATIC E-MAIL REPLIES:6. The e-mail server is unable to verify

your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

(The beauty of this is that, when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over!)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I’ll be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Steve.

SIGNZ #4In a health-food shop window: Closed due to illness.


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• The average person produces 23,000 litres of spit in a lifetime, enough to fill two swimming pools.

• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

• Banana skins can take two years to biodegrade.

• The world’s most ancient piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.

• Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

• Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy-metal music.

• In the 1400s a law was passed in England allowing a man to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.

Which is where we got the expression ‘the rule of thumb’

• The BBC rejected Sesame Street in 1971 because it was too authoritarian.

• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = King David … Hearts = Charlemagne … Clubs = Alexander the Great … Diamonds = Julius Caesar.

• Lettuce has been grown and cultivated for more than 2500 years.

• Rice farming is about 10,000 years old.

• No one who reads this list would attempt to measure a life-time’s worth of spit. Who on earth would want to do that?


You

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My all-time favourite habit when I’m in some distant corner of the planet is to just sit and observe

… make eye-contact and smile … watch the locals as they go about their daily lives

… break the ice and say hello … and (even if we can’t fully understand each other) have a friendly chat.

It doesn’t just happen when I’m away. It happens when I’m home, too. I love multi-cultural New Zealand. I love the mix’n’match variety that we find in Godzone these days. I love it that we’re a great-big-melting-pot-in-the-making. And I love the people, in all their rainbow shades, who’ve chosen our small islands as their home.

The wonder of it struck me just recently when I went shop-ping. In the course of no more than an hour I had the good fortune to greet, talk with, get smiled at, be served by and do business with a whole bunch of

new New Zealanders:• thetalentedVietnameseladywhoowns

a clothing-alteration shop and knows how to make my shirts and pants fit my short, stocky frame

humans, in my opinion, are fascinating. No matter where i am – here at home, across the ditch in oz, up north in asia, on the far side of the world in Europe, africa, the Uk or the Middle East – i find myself utterly captivated by the humans i meet: their similarities and differences, skin-colours and faces, clothes and hair-styles, music and cultures, languages and accents, histories and traditions, values and faith.


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T• the energeticTurkish guy who brews

good coffee in a little café and nearly splits his face with a grin whenever we see each other

• thebrightyoungIndiangirlwhoworksin the shoe shop across the way and never fails to give me a cheerful, sunny wave

• the Chinese masseurs in the middleof the mall who work magic on my stiff neck and giggle at my halting Mandarin

• the Israeli students in the next boothalong who once sold me some stuff made from Dead Sea mud and won’t stop trying to sell me more.And everywhere I looked I saw bright-

eyed Kiwis of all shapes and sizes, ages and descriptions – Pakeha, Maori, Polynesian, and more – doing who-knows-what, going who-knows-where, getting on with their busy-busy lives.

Most of these people, in my experience,are good people, decent people, hard-working people. And most of them are helping make New Zealand a better place. They’ve got names worth knowing, stories worth hearing, families and kids and longings and dreams.

Most of them, I’ve discovered, are just as

gRapEViNE’s EditoR UsEd to watCh golf oN tV, BUt his doCtoR told hiM hE NEEds MoRE ExERCisE. so hE Now watChEs tENNis.

interested in me as I am in them. And I owe them, I reckon – because they’re enlarging my world and enriching my heart.

In fact, I feel I’ve wasted an opportunity if I buy something, eat somewhere, drink coffee or cross the street – and fail to con-nect (even a nod or hello) with the people I meet. And, invariably, when one of those conversations starts up, we find we have far more things in common than we do things that separate us.

It’s a gentle reminder, I reckon, that variety is the spice of life. And it’s also our Creator’s trademark. Which is why, instead of a box for a home, he’s given us a limitless universe to live in. Instead of one gorgeous flower, he’s given us a zillion. And instead of black-and-white, he’s filled our world with kaleidoscopes of colour.

Whatever else we might think of God, we can’t accuse him of being dull and drab. He prefers originals to photocopies every time. And those unpredictable com-binations that he’s built into humans are amongst his very best ideas.

Fishing is boring, unless

you catch an actual fish,

and then it’s disgusting.

(Dave Barry)


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by Paul Freedman

Your child’s brain through those first three years

Brainy!


GRAPEVINE: One of your favourite sayings is, “The first three years last forever!” SIMON ROWLEY: That’s right. I’m a mem-ber of the Brainwave Trust, an organisation you can read about online. We’re trying to make sure that people have access to information about how babies’ brains are wired – how things they experience affect the way their brains develop, particularly during the first three years. We’re also making research available to those who work with children – such as doctors, pre-school teachers, care-givers, lawyers.

In the last few years particularly there’s been an explosion in the amount of knowl-edge we have about early childhood, and people are realising how important those years are for brain development.

GRAPEVINE: Can we go back to square one: a newborn child? What’s actually going on inside that child’s brain?SIMON ROWLEY: Well, when you’re born, you’re only about 15% ‘wired up’. Your grey matter is all there (your brain cells or neurones), and it’s all ready to go – but only 15% of it is connected. That 15% is the stuff you need just to keep the organism going: heart-rate, blood pressure, breathing – the bits that control your basic functions.GRAPEVINE: Sort of, the ‘auto pilot’ stuff? SIMON ROWLEY: That’s right. But, from the moment of birth, the sensory expe-riences you start having cause the other 85% of wiring to happen. And most of it happens in those first three years.

it’s widely known these days that the first two or three years of a baby’s life are critically important. these are the years, ideally, when babies get the chance to learn about life and love and faith and trust. (of course, in the real world, sadly, they’re

often denied that chance, and instead begin their career as a crime statistic or a social-

work ‘case’.)But what’s actually happening inside a growing baby’s head – year one, year two, year three, and beyond? and how can we mums and dads (and uncles, aunties and grandparents) help ensure that those happenings are the best they possibly can be for our little guys and girls?to get some answers we talked with noted brain development expert and kiwi paediatrician, dr simon Rowley. in fact, we talked to him twice! our first interview was cut short because he had to dash off to attend to a crisis and deliver a baby by caesarean!

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it’s widely known these days that the first two or three years of a baby’s life are critically important. these are the years, ideally, when babies get the chance to learn about life and love and faith and trust. (of course, in the

often denied that chance, and instead begin their career as a crime statistic or a social-

work ‘case’.)

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WIRED-UPEvery time you touch a baby, cuddle a baby, tickle a baby, laugh with them, talk to them – all those things that happen through the senses – you’re helping the baby experience and sort out the world.

The first sense to develop is touch – the ‘mother of all senses’. Balance is the next. Smell and taste come after that. Then hearing. And seeing is the last one.

Touch is actually the most basic of our senses. Mothers reach out and touch their baby instinctively right after they’re born. But the other senses are also primed and ready to go, even before birth. And these are the senses by which babies experience the world.

Those experiences cause baby’s neu-rones to start looking out and reaching out … wiring themselves up … creating pathways and connections to other neu-rones. By the time you’re three, all of those things should’ve happened. Then, from three years on, for the rest of your child-hood, you’re busy pruning those connec-tions – and you only hang on to the ones you’re using continually.

But here’s what’s really vital (and there’s good research to support this): the expe-riences you get need to be the right ones. If you don’t get good, positive, warm, nurturing experiences, you’re in trouble.GRAPEVINE: These experiences the baby needs are gained primarily from its mother – right?SIMON ROWLEY: Yes – from its primary care-giver, who’s usually the mother. But sometimes it’s the father. Fathers are very important in baby’s development, too.

GRAPEVINE: And you’re talking about stimulating the baby – talking, reading, going for walks, singing, cuddling?SIMON ROWLEY: All of those. And they’re all so important. But you can overdo it. There’s obviously a healthy amount of stimulation for the brain – too much can flood it and cause it to switch off the way babies do when they’re tired. However, most parents, fortunately, get it about right.

We’re talking about ‘good-enough parenting’ here – not ‘super parenting’. There’s growing evidence that playing ‘brainy-baby’ videos and all this ‘Baby Einstein’ stuff isn’t such a good idea … probably more detrimental than helpful.GRAPEVINE: You describe the baby’s brain as being ‘wired up’. Which all sounds very electronic – like a computer being fitted to operate a printer or something. But what about the human dimension? Take smiling, for example: what makes a newborn baby smile? How do they figure out what smiling means? Is that part of the ‘wiring up’ process?SIMON ROWLEY: Yes, definitely. And what we sometimes overlook is that babies are ‘programmed’ as individuals to hit devel-opmental targets at certain times. So at around four to six weeks you’re pro-grammed to be able to smile.GRAPEVINE: You mean the baby has a sort of pre-formed picture in its head: “This is a smile, this will make me feel good …?”SIMON ROWLEY: No. The programming just provides that at this point your brain is ready to receive the information that’s nec-essary to stimulate a reaction. But you’ve got to have, environmentally, the warmth and social interaction that’ll trigger it.


GRAPEVINE: So a baby from a home where there’s little stimulation, not much caring or cooing – if it happens to catch a smile from a passer-by, it won’t neces-sarily know that this is a good, important signal?SIMON ROWLEY: That’s right. And that’s an important developmental principal – repetition is essential.

PLAY IT AGAINIn order to hard-wire pathways in the brain, the baby has to be exposed to things – even as simple as a smile – over and over again. That repetition then triggers what the baby’s been programmed to receive and act on.

So it’s got to happen frequently and consistently before it becomes ingrained. But when it does become ingrained, that’s really what makes us who we are.

GRAPEVINE: I often chuckle at a video we’ve got of our youngest grandson who, when he was too little to stand up by him-self, was hanging in one of those stretchy sling things – and he started bouncing up and down in exact rhythm with the music his mum was playing in the background. It wasn’t a co-incidence, because several times he went off the beat. He’d stop, and listen, and then start bouncing again exactly on the beat.

Now – how does a baby know what dancing’s all about? “This is music !” “This is rhythm!” Where do concepts like that come from?SIMON ROWLEY: Fascinating, isn’t it? Music’s one of those things (as parents discover) that come in a window of learn-ing opportunity. If adults try and learn a musical instrument they’ll find it much harder than young children who’ve been brought up in a musical environment. It’s like learning a language. Learning these musical ideas is the same as learning to talk.

This isn’t just a ‘gene’ thing – it’s also nurture. It’s very much influenced by baby being exposed to music from Day Zero – from ‘Day Minus’ actually, because a child in the womb can clearly hear music, and picks up on things like beat.

So, if you come from a family where there’s lots of music, and everyone’s listen-ing to it, playing it and dancing to it, then from the moment of birth you’re already being programmed to respond.

If you look at the brain-scans of profes-sional musicians, you find that they have areas of their brain that are much more heavily developed than the same area in somebody who’s not a musician. In par-ticular, the cerebellum and other parts of the brain involved in co-ordination – in

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this case co-ordination of movement for, say, a violinist, who must get the fingers on the fret in just the right place.

But the same parts of the brain also control the co-ordination of thought! And studies have been done on this …

MULTI-TASKINGIf a child learns a musical instrument for a year, not only do her musical skills improve (both her listening skills and her playing of the thing) – but so, too, do her maths skills and reading skills at the same time.

GRAPEVINE: So these things are all inter-related?SIMON ROWLEY: Right. Learning a musical instrument is very good for brain devel-opment, and I’d recommend that every child should be given that chance.GRAPEVINE: How early should they start?SIMON ROWLEY: Oh, I’d say from Day Zero really. As soon as they show interest. GRAPEVINE: Are we still talking ‘good-enough parenting’? We’re not trying to turn our child into ‘Baby Einstein’ or ‘Baby Mozart’ are we?SIMON ROWLEY: No. We’re talking about listening skills to start with. So you give the baby periods of listening to music – and he might bounce and jump around. Babies love dancing and rocking and all sorts of rhythmic things. Then, at some point in the early years, you might offer the child the chance to pick up and play with a musical instrument … the chance to enjoy and copy the parent. That’ll grow out of what they’re hearing.

But the ability – the ‘musical ear’, if you like – probably gets programmed in those

early months. So music is a really impor-tant way of developing the brain.

I think sport is important too. It also combines dance, music, rhythm … those aerodynamic things where you’re devel-oping the part of the brain that involves co-ordination and movement … and therefore thought as well.GRAPEVINE: Isn’t there a tension, though, between sport as a competitive activity and sport as a way of teaching kids co-operation?SIMON ROWLEY: True. Some children seem really driven to succeed in com-petitive things, and others don’t. It can be hard to work out what programmes might best suit your own child – but a certain amount of it’s environmentally deter-mined. If you’re competitive parents, it’s likely your children will pick up on that.GRAPEVINE: So what’s your advice to parents? How can they ensure that their babies get the right kind of stimulation in the right amounts at the right times?SIMON ROWLEY: Well, most important is to have a warm, nurturing, loving rela-tionship with your child. That attachment to the primary care-giver (or care-givers) is a vital developmental milestone for a baby. And it’s usually made with just two or three people (at the most) – typically the mother and the father, but it could be a grandparent or an auntie or an uncle, or somebody else, perhaps a nanny.

That relationship’s a mutual one, derived from the care-giving things that the adult does – like feeding, changing nappies, talking, singing, cuddling – and getting responses in return. And, as that relationship builds, it forms a bond that’s the basis for all subsequent relationships the child will have in later life.


It’s vital, therefore, that you develop a secure attachment relationship … and that tends to start by about the age of six months. By eighteen months or so you may have moved past the ideal time, and it becomes much harder. GRAPEVINE: How do you feel about the tendency these days for busy, working parents to drop their young children off to day-care?SIMON ROWLEY: Well, frankly, if you’re not being cared for by somebody who’s got emotional investment in you, then the risk is you’re going to struggle in this area.

DAY-CARE DANGER?If, for the main part of the waking day, a young child is with a lot of different care-givers (as happens in many day-care centres and crèches), then that child never really gets a chance to establish a firm attachment relationship with his parents.

He gets cared for by people who have no emotional investment in him – which means he grows up (for the major part of each day, if his parents are away work-ing) with someone who’s just doing a job, keeping an eye on him, but not really car-ing for him in a one-on-one way. GRAPEVINE: You’re talking about those very early years – right?SIMON ROWLEY: Of course. By the time he’s two and three the child tends to be playing alongside other children – ‘parallel play’. Then, from three onwards, the child tends to play with other children – inter-acting and using his relationship skills and abilities. In these later preschool years he needs the chance to go out and practice those skills on his peers and other people

– rather than being stuck in front of TV with a GameBoy or a video, where he’s getting no feedback from a human face.

So when we say we’re not happy about children in day-care, we’re not saying that those latter years are a problem. We’re talk-ing about the early ones. It doesn’t appear to be a good thing to have a three-month-old baby in day-care.GRAPEVINE: Some argue the problem is really to do with the quality of the care given. If the child goes to a really good day-care centre, then the parents have no cause to worry. But does ‘quality’ day-care make any difference?SIMON ROWLEY: Well, yes and no. The problem with day-care is that most centres have a number of people on staff who are assigned certain tasks: somebody will do the nappy-changing, somebody else will do the feeding, another again will do the greeting at the beginning of the day, while

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still others are getting play materials ready, and so on. The child gets exposed to sev-eral different people in the course of the day – and the quality of that care varies according to the skills and experience of the individual people.

But the staff/child ratios are also impor-tant. If you’ve got a ratio of five children to one staff member, that’s not good enough. Even the recommended ratios are still a bit on the low side, in my opinion.

However, of course, there are some situations where day-care is preferable to home …GRAPEVINE: Such as?SIMON ROWLEY: Well, when the child’s in an abusive home situation – exposed, say, to family violence. That’s a really negative thing. It will affect the way the child’s brain gets wired up, and you don’t want that.

THE BEST SOLUTION?So, to answer the question: a good day-care situation is obviously better than a bad home environment. But good and frequent interaction between parent and child in a good home environment is best of all.

GRAPEVINE: Does the length of time care-givers spend with a child affect the outcome? SIMON ROWLEY: Yes, it does. And the same goes for the words a child hears. A child may develop poor self-esteem if he’s constantly being told bad things.

Several quite convincing studies have looked at the number of words that people in negative situations say to their child every day … compared to the words and vocab a child is exposed to in positive and reassuring households.

GRAPEVINE:“Good boy!” “Good girl!” “You did this really well!” – that sort of thing? SIMON ROWLEY: Exactly. So we need to ensure we’re making it possible for parents (one or other of them) to be at home for their child. Although, regrettably, our modern lifestyle doesn’t help – it’s not the way things tend to work out.

Most parents feel they need two incomes … and nannies are expensive … so it becomes very hard to balance things. And when Governments come out with statements like, “We’re going to ensure that all mothers are working!” (even in the first two years of their child’s life) … you have to wonder if this is good. GRAPEVINE: How many children are we talking about? How many children today are not getting enough of the right kind of care?SIMON ROWLEY: Well, it’s probably around 50%. And the worry is we’re seeing an increasing number. Some parents have children – and then basically just pass their care over to other people, at a very early age. Some children are in day-care from as young as three months or six weeks!

That seems to me like a really bad thing to do for a child whose brain-develop-ment you’re trying to optimise.GRAPEVINE: It almost makes you wonder why some parents have children?SIMON ROWLEY: Well, I’ve been quoted as wondering that – but let’s not go there!GRAPEVINE: What are the happiest out-comes you’ve seen in your career?SIMON ROWLEY: One of the nice things about looking after pre-term babies is you take a baby who’s very vulnerable – and, quite often, a parent (or parents) who are very vulnerable too. In the time

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that the baby’s with us (usually three or four months, when they’re getting to the stage where they’re healthy and they can go home) … you not only look after that child, but you also look after the family.

Most of that sort of work is done by the nursing and support staff. Every time the mother comes in, they put their arms around her and ask her, “How are you?” “Is everything going alright?” “Do you need any help?”

And, quite often, the mother, who hasn’t previously had that kind of supportive environment, will change. In those three or four months, she starts to grow into her role as a mother and really take that up. She might be a 16-year-old who’s suffered abuse, but in this new role she finds she’s now supported and nurtured. And at the end of that time she goes out a completely different person.

Those are the happy stories …GRAPEVINE: And the sad ones?SIMON ROWLEY: Well, they usually feature people who are socially disadvantaged.

THE PROBLEM:We get the baby through it … and we support the mother through it … but then they go home, back into that terrible situation, a situation that’s just not compatible with a good outcome. And sometimes the babies really suffer.

We know, from our work with pre-term babies, that the social environment the children go back into is the most important thing in determining how well they’ll do. It’s not whether they had a very difficult time with a bleed in the brain, or punctured lungs, or a whole lot

of gut problems, or bowel perforations – although those all do happen. What really determines the final outcome, is the socio-economic status of the parent (or parents) and the family environment.

If they go home to a good environment, then that’ll virtually overcome everything – all the merely physical problems. But if they go home to an abusive environment, the outcome’s often very sad.GRAPEVINE: I suppose the good news is: you can turn things around?SIMON ROWLEY: Yes. That’s when we feel we’ve made a difference. I mean, anyone can keep a baby alive. But what really counts is actually sending a baby home with optimism for the future ... and that optimism starts with the parents and then gets transferred to the child.

Whether the outcome is good or bad also depends to a great extent on society. And one of the ways we can interrupt that cycle of social deprivation is to teach kids how to be parents at an earlier stage. So the programmes where people go into schools and teach prospective parents what babies need and how to look after them – those give us most hope for the future.

Young people need to learn how to be nurturing and care-giving before they begin child-rearing. And that applies particularly to boys in our society. Boys need to learn to be tender and loving; to have feelings; to be able to cry when they’re sad, and not to have to put up this tough, unfeeling mask on the outside.GRAPEVINE:What’s your advice to, say, a young woman who’s suddenly found herself pregnant – assuming she’s from a less-than-happy background? SIMON ROWLEY: The first choice is for her to celebrate the birth of her child –


WHAT DO YOU THINK? HAVE YOUR SAY!go to ‘REadERs foRUM’ at www.gRapEViNE.oRg.NZ to post yoUR poiNt-of-ViEw aNd REad what othERs RECkoN …

and to acknowledge that here’s a new individual that needs caring and loving and supporting. This new baby needs her more than anything else in the world. And being needed is quite an important thing for people from this kind of background. Often they’ve not regarded themselves as having much value or worth.

I’d say to her: Try as hard as you can to celebrate the birth and make it into a positive experience. She probably won’t find that easy, because there’ll be financial pressures against her.

REWARDING?We’ve got to help her view everything she does with that child in a positive light … instead of regarding the child as a nuisance or a disaster or a mistake. Then hopefully, eventually, she’ll get enormous rewards from mothering.

It’s all about celebrating parenthood. The most important thing you can do with your life (if you decide to become a parent) is to be a parent!

Of course, it’s also the hardest thing you’ll ever do. And we’re not very well trained for it!GRAPEVINE: Is this the way ahead? Is this how we improve New Zealand’s child-abuse statistics? SIMON ROWLEY: Yes, I think that’s the ultimate outcome. And we have an oppor-tunity. If we can help families achieve ‘good-enough parenting’, raising children who are happy and safe and healthy and feel valued, we’ll end up with a society where most people are indeed loved and nurtured – and therefore less likely to be criminals and do awful things to each other and their children.

The way to bring down the high rate of child-abuse and neglect we see today is to somehow get the next generation of parents being valued and supported. We’ve got to try and change the social setting and improve what’s taking place. There are obvi-ously cultural groups and social-class groups who are most vulnerable – and we’ve got to find a way to make them feel valued.

I think the way to change our society is to teach people how to nurture and love their children …

foR MoRE iNfo oN thE BRaiNwaVE tRUst aotEaRoa go to www.BRaiNwaVE.oRg.NZ.

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Sudoku Hard (solutions page 67)

Sudoku Medium (solutions page 67)

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How To Play: Fill in the grid so that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains the numbers 1 through 9.


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pilot’s job in Doha and would be kidnapping my daughter and

two gorgeous granddaugh-ters and taking them to Qatar for a few years.

I don’t care that the wages are good and they’ll be able to set themselves up finan-cially! Who in their right mind would

want to go and live in the desert where the

temperatures soar into the 50°s?I tried several times to

terrify the daylights out of them, but they just looked at me as though I was mad.

Deep down, of course, I knew it was pointless to rave on. They’re leaving, whether I like it or not. My daughter will take with her some practical, down-home Kiwi values – plus the strength and courage that God has given her. And somewhere there in Qatar she’ll hear her stupid mother’s voice saying …

“You go girl! The world’s your oyster!”

fRaNCEs CoVENtRy is a gRapEViNE staff-wRitER. ‘sCRUBCUttERs’ aRE Radio spots – pRodUCEd By CBa, aNd hEaRd By 180,000 pEoplE EaCh wEEkday, oN thE NEwstalkZB NEtwoRk.

I ’VE BEEN A BAD, BAD parent. And I’m here today to issue some words of warning to

other mums and dads:Never, ever encourage your children

or instil in them any self-confidence to do something out of the ordinary.

At the very least, try and make them afraid of flying.

Because, if you don’t, they’ll prob-ably leave you and go and live on the other side of the world.

They’ll end up like mine – and escape to Canada and America and Sydney and (as of a few weeks ago) Qatar.

I’d hardly even heard of Qatar when my son-in-law announced he had a

GIVE THEM WINGS!

pilot’s job in Doha and would be kidnapping my daughter and

two gorgeous granddaugh-ters and taking them to Qatar for a few years.

wages are good and they’ll be able to set themselves up finan-


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of themoodsrouteburn


“I was left standing spellbound before a panorama of indescribable grandeur, myriads of nameless mountains and glistening glaciers of wondrous shape and size firing the imagination …” (Early-1900s explorer)

T he Routeburn track, traversing 32 kilometres of the Mt Aspiring and Fiordland National Parks, has

been described as “all the good tracks of New Zealand put together!” That’s a big call. And I’d decided to see if it really was that good – which meant five days explor-ing the area (plus the nearby Greenstone Valley) with a rifle, a fly-rod, and my good mate Will … by Mike Cooney

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Lake MacKenzie.

“I was left standing


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days. Interestingly, it was here in a cave that Nick’s son stumbled across some Moa bones and a Moa egg when he was hunt-ing a while back. It’s that sort of place … reeks of adventure!

We got back to the hut on dark and pretty much had the place to ourselves. Ate freeze-dried-something for dinner – then hit the sack.

DAY 2:

W e got word this morning from the warden that we needed to be at the Falls

Hut by 10am. A helicopter was going to take us over an avalanche zone up by the Harris Saddle. Sure beats walking! Although we still had to walk to the falls – uphill the whole way – and we were both pretty knackered when we finally reached the hut.

DAY 1:

T he weather was awesome! Another mate, Nick, dropped us off at the Routeburn Shelter in Aspiring

National Park, and our five-day adventure got underway. Will’s pack looked heavy. I told him he had too much, but he’s a stubborn punk. Reckons he’s built like a packhorse. (More like a pack-ass!)

We headed first through the bush and across the river flats to the Routeburn Flats Hut – a couple of hours away. Will was beginning to regret his heavy pack – sucker! But after a quick bite to eat at the hut, we grabbed our rifles and day packs and set out along the North Branch for a late-afternoon hunt.

We spent time in the valley glassing for game. Heaps of sign, but the wind was all over the place. It’s a magic spot – we could easily have stayed a couple more

View from Falls Hut.


In fact, for a packhorse, Will was looking shattered!

The Routeburn Falls Hut is massive (sleeps 48) and its outlook, high up look-ing back down the valley, is awesome! About 20 of us were catching a helicopter-ride over the ‘danger zone’. Spring is peak avalanche season, and part of the track was closed. It was either take the chopper, or turn back …

We had a one-hour trek to our pick-up point. It was nice to get out of the beech forest and into the tussock alpine zone. The sky was a brilliant blue and the views were unreal. Hard to take in, to be honest. And we two North Island boys just stood there gob-smacked!

Half of Lake Harris was still frozen solid. And snow-drifts all around us hinted at what was sitting higher up the mountains.

The chopper arrived and started fer-rying us over. Poor Will got stuck in the middle seat and couldn’t see squat! I tried describing the view during our short flight over the saddle and into the Hollyford Valley – but he was not impressed!

The track from our drop-off point meandered across the tussock-covered

Hollyford Face, with the rugged and intimidating Darran Mountains oppo-site, and the Hollyford River 1000 meters below. En route we caught glimpses of Lake McKerrow and Martins Bay in the north, while to the south we could just make out the bush-cloaked Greenstone Saddle.

What an awesome place!After an hour and a half on our feet,

we finally spotted Lake MacKenzie – it’s a beautiful turquoise colour in stark con-trast to its surroundings. We had intended pitching our fly tonight – but the offer of a warm hut and a soft mattress got the better of Will.

Oh yeah, a crazy Euro couple went for a swim in the lake. It was freezing!

DAY 3:

We woke this morning to an overcast day which threatened rain, and found ourselves

tramping with a group of hardcase Kiwi women. We’d enjoyed meeting people from the other side of the world, but it was nice to hang out with some locals. Appar-ently, less than a quarter of those who do the Routeburn each year are Kiwis …

Lake Harris.


The overcast, drizzly conditions gave the Hollyford Valley a different look – still beautiful, just different. And the 80m Earland Falls were in fine splendour as we went past.

We made Lake Howden and the Howden Hut in two hours, where we parted ways with those continuing on the Routeburn. They were going down to The Divide on the Milford Rd, while we headed over the Greenstone Saddle to McKellar Hut.

I was battling the after-effects of the ’flu, and grabbed a lie-down at the hut while Will had a flick on the river. He returned with a trout that he’d caught, and said he’d spooked a couple of deer. So I went back into the bush with my rifle – and, just on dark, managed to shoot a nice fat yearling.

I radioed Will, who was keen for some butchery lessons, and we did our knife work under the light of our headlamps. Then, back at the hut, while I hung the meat, Will cooked his fish. It was outstand-ing – fresh trout, lemon slices, rosemary, garlic and butter, all wrapped up in tinfoil. (No wonder Will’s pack was heavy!)

It doesn’t get much better than this!

DAY 4:

It rained a fair bit during the night, but had blown over by morning – blue skies again! Nick had told us

about some good trout spots, and the idea was to spend the day fishing our way to the Greenstone Hut – only 20kms away!

It was now obvious that we were no longer on a ‘Great Walk’. No people, and

Glassing up North Branch.


no ‘real’ tracks. A few kilometres down the valley I was thinking how light my pack felt when I realised: I’d left my rifle behind! So it was a quick sprint back up-river till I found it leaning on a sign – lucky!

Will kept telling me how much weight he was losing because of his heavy pack – but I told him it’s because there are no pies!

We saw a few fallow deer on the other side of the valley, right out in the open. And a white buck that was with them stood out heaps – he’s lucky to have survived this long.

We stopped on a nice stretch of river, and had venison backsteaks for lunch and a little snooze. Life is good! Then we had a flick on the river and caught a few fish … well, Will mainly. I caught plenty of trees, branches and rocks. (Remind me please: why do I like fly-fishing?)

This is a beautiful valley. Apart from the sandflies! And the scenery was too much. Every now and then I had to stop, pull out the binoculars, have a good look around and soak it all in.

We made it to the Greenstone Hut in the dark, two hours later, and were almost too tired to cook dinner. Almost …

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DAY 5:

L ast day today. The original plan was to dump our packs and head back up the valley for a fish, before making

for the road. But in the end we couldn’t be bothered – plus Will had picked up some nasty-looking blisters on his nancy feet! So we packed our things and started the long walk out.

There were some nice browns at Slip Stream, plus a few rainbows, so we stopped for a fish. Unlike yesterday, when we were in the open valley, the track was now mostly in beech forest.

About four hours after leaving the hut we hit the Caples River – another massive valley I’d love to explore one day. We had lunch and a fish before making the final dash to our pick-up point.

Nick was waiting for us when we arrived. And a local fisho offered us a nice cold beer – what a legend! Then we loaded the truck and headed for Queenstown …

All in all, we’d walked more than 90 kilometres. And the Routeburn, we agreed, really was that good!

What’s more, Will had lost 7kgs! (Now, if he can just stay away from those pies …)

Having a flick on the Greenstone. Backsteaks in the Greenstone Valley.

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I pad down the stairs to my daugh-ter’s bedroom. Every light is on and her stereo is blaring, sure

signs that she’s not home. It is now two minutes after 10 o’clock, and normally I’d call 111 – but those people got surly with me last time because I phoned about a “possible child abduction” due to the fact that my daughter’s date wore an earring.

I glance out the window and freeze: the boy’s car is in the driveway! I flick the outside lights on and off a few dozen times so the occupants of the car will know what time it is. There’s no


reaction. I peer at the vehicle, but the windows are dark and pitiless, coated with the light mist that’s falling.

What are they doing out there? I try another burst of light-flicking

just to give myself something to do, but I know the only way I’m going to set-tle this matter is to go out there, knock politely on the window, and spray the two of them with the garden hose.

I have on a pair of pyjama bottoms and nothing else. What I need is some protection against the elements, some-thing waterproof. I open the coat cupboard and find a pair of duck

The Curse Of Curfew

My eyelids snap open at exactly 2200 hours, responding to an inner alarm that sounds whenever a daughter is out on a school night. Curfew has darkened the land, and any children caught outside the perimeter are now subject to arrest and the torture of telephone deprivation.

My eyelids snap open at exactly 2200 hours, responding

by W Bruce Cameron

And try to spot these characters involved in this mythical Persian tale:

1. Rostam’s horse, Raksh, fighting a lion.2. Arjang, who has the key to the White Demon’s stronghold.3. The Dragon.4. The Ram, who saves Rostam in the desert.5. The 10 witches feasting.6. Olad and his demon warriors.7. Akvan, menacing the King’s horses.

WANT TO LEARN MORE? Google ‘The Legend of Rostam’ and check it out!

Created by Tim Tripp

Rostam Sohrab Princess Tahmineh

Olad Kaykavus

THE LEGEND OF ROSTAMMatt and Sam, our time-travelling heroes, have turned up in ancient Persia. King Kaykavus and his army have gone to war to conquer Mazandarn, but they haven’t done too well. In fact, the King has been captured by

the White Demon, Div-e Siped. So Rostam, the Persian hero, sets out on a quest to rescue him …

Can you find Matt, Sam, Rostam and the others? (Check out the next page)

SEE OVERPAGE

slippers – big, puffy clunkers with plastic duck heads on them. There are no umbrellas, but I do find a hat – an incandescent orange hunter’s cap with ear flaps that tie under the chin. None of my own coats are available, so I struggle into one of my kids’ old jackets, a nylon job with a picture of Daffy Duck on the back.

I survey myself in the mirror before heading out. Regrettably, the tight hem of the jacket falls a couple inches short of my pyjama waist, creating the odd illusion that my stomach sticks out in a roll of belly flesh. I grab a flashlight and step out into the rain.

I’d forgotten that my duck slippers quack when I walk in them, which threatens to ruin the element of surprise. I bang on the car windows, wait a moment, and then yank the door open, the car alarm splitting the night air. No one is inside.

When I get back into the house, my daughter and her date are standing in the kitchen, looking concerned as I quack in out of the rain.

“Hi!” I call cheerfully. “I just needed to use the phone ...”

the boy stammers uncertainly. With a quick glance back at my daughter, he scampers out of the house.

“Oh, Dad, how could you do that?” my daughter demands, whirl-ing and bolting from the room.

I stand there in the middle of the kitchen, scratching my head. How could I do WHAT?

UsEd By pERMissioN © w BRUCE CaMERoN. BRUCE’s REgUlaR ColUMN is aVailaBlE fRoM www.wBRUCECaMERoN.CoM


SEE PREVIOUS PAGE

THE LEGENDOF ROSTAM

Lostin space

her dad was forever losing things: his glasses, his chequebook, his keys, the tv remote. when sally would drop in unexpectedly, she’d often find him rummaging through drawers and cupboards, muttering under his breath. of course, for as long as sally could remember, her dad had misplaced things. but then her dad stopped remembering …

Birthdays were first. Sally’s. Carl’s. Lynda’s. Bruce’s. His own. Very unlike the father who had never

failed to send a card, or buy a little present.Appointments were next. The doctor.

The dentist. All were forgotten. Sally had calls from both of them one month asking where her father was.

Sally’s dad had notes posted all over the house. “Memory joggers,” he called them. But still he forgot.

And then there were the names. Odd, Sally had thought, that her father couldn’t seem to remember the names of the ph

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Alzheimer’s Disease


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My mother said her mind was all mixed up, like the tangled strand of purple wool she was trying to crochet into one of her famous afghan squares. Mixed up. Tangled. That’s a fairly accurate picture of what’s happening to someone with this disease.

Some facts about Alzheimer’s

It was Alois Alzheimer who first noticed those tangles back in 1906. He was a German psychiatrist and a

neuropathologist. And one of his patients was a middle-aged housewife who suffered from profound memory loss, confusion and depression, amongst other things.

When she died in a nursing home at age 55, he decided to conduct an autopsy. When Dr Alzheimer looked in his micro-scope at a slice of his patient’s brain tissue, he discovered two startling abnormali-ties. The fine nerve fibres inside brain tissue were twisted around each other, and between the brain cells were plaques of burned out nerve endings.

Alzheimer’s is not a result of normal ageing. It’s related to a specific disease – a type of brain disorder or dementia that gets steadily worse. No-one has yet put a finger on the cause. There is no definite treatment and, to date, no foreseeable cure … although drugs known as cholineste-rase inhibitors (Aricept and Donezil) as well as memantine (Ebixa) seem to help some people retain memory, slowing down the disease and making it easier for them and their families to cope.

The word dementia literally means ‘mind away’ – and more than half of all dementia cases are due to Alzheimer’s. However, reduced oxygen supply, strokes

children one Sunday when he was over for dinner. He kept calling them June and Ron, the names of his own sister and brother. The children thought it was a game Grandpa was playing, but Sally wasn’t so sure.

Then Sally’s husband Carl stopped by one morning to get his father-in-law’s grocery list and found him taking a nap in a smoke-filled house. He’d put some baked beans on the stove to heat, and gone to sleep. The smoke detector was working, but he’d removed his hearing aid and, as he told them later, forgotten where he’d put it.

The final straw came several weeks later when Sally got a phone call. Her father was at the Lotto shop having walked the three kilometres in the rain. He insisted he was in the bank, wanted to know the balance in his account, and demanded his money. Could Sally please come and get her father, asked the manager. Sally did.

Alzheimer’s disease is a family af fair. It affects people like Sally and her dad. People like our mothers, our

fathers, husbands, wives and children. The cared-for and the caregivers. But when-ever people talk about Alzheimer’s, certain questions come up. Questions like:• HowcanItellifit’sAlzheimer’s?• Whatarethesignsandsymptoms?• What about the bizarre behaviours –

howcanImanagethem?• Is therea right time toputmy loved

oneinanursinghome?• Whataboutmyemotions–I’mfeeling

angry, guilty, depressed and resentful? Isthatnormal?

• Whataboutmyneedsasawife,husband,daughter,son?


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or multiple mini-strokes can cause a mental and physical decline not unlike Alzheimer’s. And other diseases, such as Parkinson’s and Huntington’s disease, can also produce Alzheimer-like symptoms.

Alzheimer’s has been described as a terminal illness that results in a slow death of the mind. In past

decades, Alzheimer’s was one of New Zealand’s most under-diagnosed diseases. But today, with the help of campaigns such as World Alzheimer’s Day and promotions like the ‘See it Sooner’ message, people are being encouraged to go to their doctors for a proper and early diagnosis. That way, sufferers can get the care and support they need.

Downloading material from the internet or listening to friends can often be misleading.

A friend told me her mother had Alzheimer’s because she had all the symptoms my mother has. She was confused and forgetful. She couldn’t even remember her own name, and she was having a lot of personality changes. But it had only been happening for about a month and that didn’t fit. I told her to take her mother to a doctor straight away. It turned out she didn’t have Alzheimer’s – she had a rapidly growing brain tumour!

Diagnosing Alzheimer’s takes a lot more than one test or one visit to the doctor. And as caregivers, we might be the single most important diagnostic tool. Two key words are change and onset. What are the changes you have noticed over the past weeks, months or years?When did youfirst notice them? Have they crept upgraduallyorcomeonsuddenly?

These changes might be noticed in attitude and behaviour. They will affect conversation and speech. The ability to make decisions and keep up with daily tasks might have lessened. And what about self-management, eating habits, and grooming? Even interest in hobbies andpeople may have changed. What about recentillnessesorfalls?Drugs,too,areavitalfactor. Many drugs, prescribed or otherwise, can cause confusion in older people.

Drug toxicity, depression, as well as heart and lung problems can all produce symp-toms of dementia. But these can respond to treatment. So a visit to the doctor is an all-important step.

The doctor never actually saw my father’s bizarre behaviour. He wondered if it was my mother’s imagination. Until he could see the problem for himself, he wouldn’t believe her.


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He finally took Dad into a room and asked him some questions. Dad didn’t know if he was married. He didn’t know his religion. He didn’t know the month or the day or the year. The doctor finally realised my mother had been telling the truth.

Tests will help the diagnosis. Blood tests can find out whether other problems are causing the symptoms. Even urine testsand spinal fluid tests can indicate if there are infections present that might produce the same sort of behaviours.

A CAT (computerised axial tomogram) scan gives a computer-drawn X-ray of the brain itself.An EEG (electroencephalo-gram) will measure electrical activity in the brain. And MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) gives an even more detailed picture of the brain.

However, no test will prove that it is Alzheimer’s. Only a brain autopsy after death can do that. But tests will eliminate other causes of dementia. And they can detect tumours, clots and the like.

Blowing away the myths

With dementia and Alzheimer’s in particular, myths abound. There’s a lot of fiction mixed

in with the facts, largely because of fear and lack of knowledge.MYTH: All old people get senileNot all people who age become confused. In fact, 85 percent of people over the age of 65 have minds that, intellectually speak-ing, function very well indeed. Isolated forgetfulness may simply be due to infor-mation-overload or the natural memory loss we face from time to time.MYTH: Only certain types of people get the disease

Alzheimer’s is no respecter of persons. Sex, race, social position or education – none of that matters. However keeping your brain active lessens your chance of getting dementia. And, although there are no guarantees, studies show that a healthy lifestyle, (including emotional and mental health), a good diet and regular exercise can help to ward it off.MYTH: Alzheimer’s is contagious.You can’t catch it like Aids or the flu. It’s not contagious. It’s a specific disease process.MYTH: Alzheimer’s has something to do with the amount of aluminium in the brainHigher concentrations of aluminium have been found in the brains of Alzheimer’s and other dementia sufferers. But most researchers think it is the result, not the cause, of Alzheimer’s.


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like having a car with the wires disconnected. I told him they hadn’t yet figured out a way to reconnect the wires in his brain. He seemed to accept that.

As time passes, the mental and physical decline becomes more and more pro-nounced. Recent events are forgotten. There is confusion about where they are. It’s hard to follow directions, to understand what’s been read or said. Moods change for no apparent reason. The simplest tasks become a frustration.

My husband forgot how to dress himself. He couldn’t figure out how to button his shirt, tie his shoes or buckle his belt. He just couldn’t seem to remember what went where.

Language changes. They may get out a few words of a sentence but not the complete thought. It may sound as if they are reading from a primary school book where all the words are nouns or verbs. Some sufferers go back to the language of their youth.Eventually, languagemayfail altogether.

Once in a while a word comes out I can understand, like “Christmas,” or a phrase like “It’s cold in here.” But most of the time my husband just babbles. Sometimes we sit and babble together. I love to hear his voice. I dread the day when his babbling stops. Can you understand that?

The symptoms and behaviours vary in intensity. For many Alzheimer’s sufferers the decline is slow and hard to track. But others behave in ways that are unpredict-able and disturbing, even bizarre. Memory loss becomes more profound, and they

MYTH: There were just as many Alzheimer’s sufferers around in the old daysProbably not. People are living longer, and age is the biggest factor in Alzheim-er’s. The illnesses and diseases that caused the deaths of our grandparents and great-grandparents are no longer major killers. But other diseases, like Alzheimer’s, are becoming more apparent. About 41,000 New Zealanders had dementia in 2008 and, of these, 50-70% have Alzheimer’s.

Statistics NZ suggests that, by 2030, 1,000,000 of us will be over 65 – and research indicates that by 2026 almost 75,000 New Zealanders will have some form of dementia.

Spotting the symptoms

It’s often hard to see the signs of Alzheimer’s because sufferers usu-ally look healthy and alert. They

may in fact have more energy than we do! And in the early stages, the changes are subtle and gradual. They creep up and take us unawares, surprising both us and our loved ones.

In the beginning we didn’t know what was happening to Dad. When he started acting strange in front of other people, we felt embarrassed …

People in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease need all the support they can get – from family, friends, relatives and the health-care community. They need to be assured they aren’t going crazy, that life is not over for them, that they are still loved and accepted.

I tried to explain it to him so he would under-stand. I told him that having Alzheimer’s was


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do the driving for you both?” I guess it must have been the voice of authority. I never had to speak to my husband about it again. He just quit driving.

As the disease progresses the risks grow. If you can’t judge hot from cold you can be burnt by water, heaters, irons – anything! Knives and appliances can be hazards. Using gas or electrical stoves unsupervised is downright dangerous.

Falls are a problem for all elderly people – but with lessening co-ordi-nation and muscle control, the dangers are even greater for Alzheimer sufferers. Trouble spots like slippery rugs, cords, stairs and railings need to be sorted out.

Then there are basic everyday things like eating, dressing and toileting. Sooner or later, tasks that were once automatic, simple, even trivial become a daily challenge. Everything needs someoneelse’s help. The memory of how to go about it has faded.

My mother sits down at the table but then can’t remember how to eat, what to do with her fork or spoon. I usually have to get her started, and then the old memory seems to come back and kick in. At other times it doesn’t, and I have to feed her an entire meal.

How, when, where and what an Alzhe-imer’s sufferer eats will often change. Your loved one may even forget how to swallow!

My brother can’t always judge where his food is. We have to put it in his hand. He does a lot better with finger food, with things he can feel. He eats sandwiches, bananas, cheese – things like that.

recognise nothing and no one – a painful experience for loved ones.

I remember one day my mother didn’t know me. She complained to Dad, “Who is she? She wants me to sit down. Do you know who she is?” If there was anything left of my heart to break, it broke right there. I walked into our backyard and cried my eyes out.

Caring for your loved one

For most caregivers, the unrelenting demands of Alzheimer’s disease are very real. The tough assign-

ment they face has been described as ‘the 36-hour day’. Bit by bit the responsibilities grow.

Like the whole problem of keeping your loved one – and others – safe.

I used to pray every day for other drivers, because my father was a maniac on the road! He had been an excellent mechanic and driver, but as his disease progressed he became careless and dangerous.

It’s hard to restrict someone’s independ-ence – by taking the car keys off them, for example. One caregiver hid her husband’s glasses, then the car keys. She even removed the distributor cap and disconnected the starter wire!

Sometimes, someone outside the family can help.

The doctor bailed me out, and it worked just fine. He took my husband into his office, sat him down and said, “George, how many years have you been driving? Don’t you think it would be a good idea if you sat in the passenger seat for a while and let your wife


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And caregivers have to lose the notion that toileting is a very personal, very private affair. There’s simply no place for embarrassment.

My mother had wet herself right there in the supermarket. I was at the check-out when I turned around and there she was, taking off her wet pants over by the window. I ran over, grabbed the pants, stuffed them into my bag and got her out of there. Fast! Just a week later I saw a two-year-old in a shop do just the same thing. And her mother reacted the same way I did. I think you need a sense of humour in this business.

But coming to terms with these sorts of things is difficult for most carers ...

The biggest problem I had was when my wife first became incontinent. She’d wet the bed at night and I decided, well, I’ll just have to get her up. Often, before I could get her to the toilet, she’d urinate on the floor. It used to make me so mad because I didn’t understand what was happening. Finally I decided there

was no sense in trying to get her up and me getting mad. It didn’t do either of us any good. So I got some of those incontinence pants and pads, a rubber sheet, and some smaller sheets they call draw-sheets – and I put them on the bed. If she was swimming in the morning, that was all right. I just had extra washing to do.

T here are many faces of memory loss with Alzheimer’s disease. Caregivers have, firstly, to accept and acknowl-

edge that it’s happening. Then they have the task of helping their loved ones deal with it as the disease progresses.

It’s never easy. And some of the behav-iours are frustrating beyond words. Like the restlessness and wandering that affects people with Alzheimer’s. They call it sun-downing – it usually happens late in the day, even through the night. And it can be very hard to calm someone down when they’re this agitated.

The habit of taking things causes prob-lems too. One experienced caregiver reckons people with Alzheimer’s love to “rummage, pillage and hoard – a little like pirates!”

But the emotional fireworks are the hardest to cope with – wild outbursts that come from nowhere. This is the person you have lived with and loved, perhaps for all of your adult life. Yet suddenly, he or she is someone else.

One minute my wife seems to know who we are, and five minutes later she’ll be yelling and calling us names. It’s as if somebody turns a switch and another person appears. She gets violent and very abusive – just the opposite of what she used to be. She never swore. But since she’s developed Alzheimer’s, I’ve learned language from her I didn’t know existed!


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Caring for the carer

For some people, taking care of their loved-one throughout their dementia journey is a rewarding

process – but for others the challenges can prove overwhelming. Here you are, swal-lowed up in the life of your loved one … lost in the broken dreams of what might have been … sucked dry in an empty barren wilderness.

Anger rages – you’re angry with the disease, angry with the rest of the family who don’t care enough, angry with your loved one for asking you the same question 10 times this morning. Angry at God.

And when that anger has no outlet it can turn inwards – where the result is depression.

And then there’s the guilt. Especiallywhen the time comes to put your loved one in an institution. No matter how necessary it is, making that decision is never easy. And nor is living with it.

I still feel guilty whenever I visit my wife. The other night I went to see her, and she hugged me and kissed me and seemed to know who I was. I cried. I couldn’t help it. But when she’s not good and doesn’t know me, I’m glad she’s where she is, So I’m up and I’m down.

No-one can face this battle alone and survive. Caregivers need some kind of lifeline to wider family and friends, to people who understand. And perhaps a belief that God will share this exhausting experience with them and support them through it.

Having someone who can listen, someone who understands how it feels, is vital.

I have this wonderful friend I can go to at any time. It started when she came home from hospital after a hip replacement. I’d go and help her with her shoes and stockings and we’d talk. Once she said she wanted to pay me. I told her she was crazy – psychiatrists cost big money! I should be paying her! She’s wonderful. She simply listens.

Support groups are scattered all over the country. Most are linked to Alzheimer’s New Zealand. They come in all shapes and sizes, but they’re all made up of people who really understand the situa-tion. People who can prop each other up when they’re weary. People who can stand by each other and walk with each other.

The support group was the place where I could share my real feelings. Even the negative ones – my guilt and my pain. No one ever told me I shouldn’t feel that way They all knew exactly what I was feeling. And why.

Safety valves are essential – especially with the pressure of constant care-giving. Not just someone to talk

things over with, but some way of let-ting off steam and doing something for you. Like time-out exercising – swim-ming, walking, whatever. When our large muscles are exercised, stress-locked parts of the body relax and we have more energy.

Neighbours and friends can help by sitting with your loved one for that time. And there is respite care available in most communities.

Keeping (or developing) a sense of humour is so important, because funny things do happen, and we shouldn’t be afraid to enjoy them.


We have our jokes, our light moments. We laugh at the things Dad does. He’s very funny sometimes. These moments may only last a split second, but when they do appear they’re good. They’re very good.

Children too, have a special place. And we need to make them part of our loved one’s life. They seem to accept Grandma’s behaviour and encourage that pat on the head, a gentle stroke, a hug. Grandma’s life has purpose when they come to call.

One of my home-help aides has two children, aged seven and nine. They used to come with her over the summer and after school. Mum called them her “cute little fellas”. Once I got home from work to find the three of them – Mum and the children – hard at work on a special project the children had organised. They were all colouring – with a book each.

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While her colouring lasted it was a joy to watch her interact with the children and to see the children care about her.

The difficulties are real, but they’re not the whole picture. Care-giving also means growth. It can make us

more patient, more compassionate and more courageous.

Our assignment is one of the toughest. But we can discover untapped, unrecog-nised strengths in ourselves and in those around us. And that discovery can lift us and comfort us.

There’s also hope for our loved ones. As we care for them to the best of our ability, through hard times and not-so-hard times, we have the chance each day to fan the embers of their hearts and spirits.

Alzheimer’s is not just normal ageing. It’s a disease, a deviation from the norm. And, no matter how strange or bewilder-ing their behaviour, our loved ones are still precious people. If we’ve learned any-thing over the years, it’s that all diseases are solvable biological puzzles that may one day reveal to us the reasons for their existence.

For the sake of our loved ones – and for future generations of Alzheimer’s sufferers – let’s hope and pray that day will come soon.

keepers of the vIne

InformatIon drIves away fear. and one of the best pLaces to get accurate InformatIon Is the natIonwIde network of aLzheImer’s new zeaLand Inc. contact 0800 004 001 … or www.aLzheImers.org.nz … or www.facebook/com/aLzheImersnz

much of the InspIratIon for thIs artIcLe came from Alzheimer’s: CAring For Your loved one, CAring For YourselF by sharon mooney – avaILabLe through www.fIshpond.co.nz.

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OH LONESOME ME

LonElInEssIs…AmotorWAy. one person – one car. From home to work. Work to home. Pick your lane,

but keep your distance. • Lonelinessis… a city. Small, oily cogs

in a million machines. Working more to earn more to buy more to enjoy it less. Sorry, can’t stop. Gotta fly. Call you back.

• Loneliness is … an elevator. Bodies streaming in, pushing buttons, spilling out. People awkwardly occupying common space. People hoping that, on the way down, they’ll have it all to themselves.

• Lonelinessis… a supermarket. Shop-pers with full trundlers bumping shop-pers with full trundlers. Hands clutching chequebooks.Eyesnevermeeting.

• Loneliness is … a home in the suburbs. Where too many people move to get away from too many people too close. A tiny island of independence. A high stained fence to keep the neigh-bours at bay.

• Lonelinessis… a TV set. A test pattern in every living room. Human emotions served up in five-minute bites. Don’t bother going out. Just change channels.

• Loneliness is … old age. Men in wrinkled trousers wondering where they left their glasses. Women with white whispy hair wondering why things had to change. Watery eyes watching well-worn photos of children who might visit today. Although probably not.

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• Lonelinessis… a reminder that we’re incomplete. That our hearts are restless. That we were made for something bet-ter. For each other. For God.

• Loneliness is… a gift. For without loneliness to make us hurt, we might shut ourselves off and wall ourselves in. We might never reach out. We might never really live.

JOHN COONEY

GET-WELL POMERoses are prickly

Chocolates are sicklyRead Grapevine tonightAnd you’ll feel better quickly

NO ONE EVEN CLAPPED …Fuelledby a millionman-made wings of firethe rocket tore a tunnel through the sky –and everyone cheered.Fuelled only by a thought from Godthe seedling urged its waythrough the thickness of blackas it piercedthe heavy ceiling of the soiland launched itselfup into outer space –and no one evenclapped.

MARCIA HANS – ‘SERVE ME A SLICE OF MOON’

FINDING SOULI think I mislaid itsomewhere between the clotheslineand the kitchen sink.

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Careless of me, for I know its value.At first, I didn’t realisethat it was missing.Crisis-laden phone callsand sleepless nights and the heaviness – needing it but no energyto go looking for it.

Then one August morningat the clothesline,I glanced upwardsbeyond the pegged rowsand I saw a cloudrising to the horizon,following the line of old plum treesthat climbed up my steep garden –blossom-laden, whiteagainst a strangely blue sky.

And I went back to the houselightly and full of soul.

ROSEMARY RUSSELL – ‘REFRESH’

WEATHER ITLife isn’t about waiting for the

storm to pass … it’s about learning to dance in the rain!

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TRICKY!To say something memorable before you die you either have to say something mem-orable and then completely shut up until you die – or you have to say something memorable once every five minutes.

GUY GROWNING

BRINGING OUT THE BEST!STRONGpeople make as many and as ghastly mistakes asWEAKpeople.The difference is thatstrong people admit them, laugh at them, learn from them.That’s how they becomeSTRONG! ALAN LOY MCINNIS

WHAT’S NEXT?Do you ever feel like you’ve got far too many things to do, far too many burdens to bear, far too many people to care for, far toomuchonyourpoorlittleplate?likethere’s no way you can get it all done, and you panic, and you just want to collapse in apileandfeelsorryforyourself?

Well, there’s an old Saxon legend which is carved on the old wooden wall of an oldEnglishparsonagesomewherebythesea. The legend simply says, “Do the next

thing.” And it’s spelt the way Saxons spelt: “DoEtHEnEXttHynGE.”

Goodadvice,eh?Justdothenextthing!Do it now, and do it well. And, while you’re doing the next thing, leave all the next-next things to take care of themselves …

WITH WHAT YOU’VE BEEN GIVENYou do what you can, the best way you can, with the handful of tools you’ve been given – that past with its psychological grist, these present circumstances with their limita-tions, this intelligence, these capacities for work or imagination, this temperament, that fascination – all of which, being bendy and slippery and hard to hold, conspire to make your work as flawed as you are, but also as rich and multiple.

You are always assessing, sharpening, dismantling and putting back together your tools, trying to improve them.

Comparing them to the tools of others is seldom helpful … PENELOPE TODD – ‘DIGGING FOR SPAIN’

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CONFESSIONI can resist everything but temptation! (oscar wilde)


IF YOU MUST …Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie – lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal – steal away from bad company. If you must cheat – cheat death. And if you must drink – drink in the moments that take your breath away.

FROM THE MOVIE ‘HITCH’

GOOD QUESTION:If men can run the world, WHY CAN’T tHEy STOP WEArInGtIEs?

How intelligent is it to start the day by tyinganoosearoundyourneck? SOURCE UNKNOWN

YOUR CALLMost folk are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

THOUSANDS OF FAILURESI have missed more than 9000 shots, lost almost 300 games, and on 26 occasions been entrusted to take the game winning shot – and missed. I have failed over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.

MICHAEL JORDAN

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LUNAR-CY the first restaurant on the moon

will never be very successful. the food might be great, but

it’ll have no atmosphere.

HOME-TRUTHthat’s just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom

follow it. (alice in wonderland)


TOMATO & CHICKEN BAKEPLUSPRUNE, RUM & ALMOND TART

we all love having family and friends round to enjoy a meal, and allyson gofton makes it easy for us in her new book cook. with chapters on barbecues, picnics, afternoon teas, mid-winter meals and more, you can prepare a sumptuous feast for loved ones without spending hours at the stove or breaking your budget.

easy with style


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tomato & chIcken bake

4 boneless chicken breasts, skin on

100 g pottle sun-dried tomato pesto

¼ cup grated parmesan or cheddar cheese

4 courgettes, trimmed and halved lengthwise

4-5 medium-sized tomatoes

6-8 garlic cloves, crushed but unpeeled

6 pickling-sized onions, peeled and halved

2 tablespoons oil, olive is nice here

2 cups cooked orzo

fresh basil or thyme, optional

Preheat the oven to 190 °C.Cut a pocket in the thickest part of each

chicken breast. Divide the tomato pesto among the chicken breast pockets. Secure the opening with a toothpick.

Heat a dash of oil in a frying-pan and brown the chicken on all sides over a high heat for 4-5 minutes until golden. Transfer to a baking dish. Sprinkle cheese over the chicken.

Use a small sharp paring knife to cut

a criss-cross pattern in the flesh of the halved courgettes. Place the courgettes, tomatoes, garlic and onions in a large bowl and toss with the oil. Arrange the vegeta-bles around the chicken.

Bake in the preheated oven for 40-45 minutes or until the chicken and vegeta-bles are cooked. Serve with freshly cooked pasta such as orzo and pour the remain-ing cooking juices evenly over each serve. Garnish with fresh herb leaves, if wished.

Serves 4

prune, rum & aLmond tart

400 g sweet short pastry (or 2 sheets pre-rolled sweet pastry)

icing sugar for dusting

Prune Mix:

250 g pitted prunes, chopped

25 g butter

2 tablespoons sugar

¼ cup dark rum


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FREE copies of this new book will be sent to the first 10 readers who

write and request one from Grapevine, Private Bag 92124, Victoria St West,

Auckland 1142. So act now! (first-time winners only)

seLected from ‘cook’

by aLLyson gofton

130 favourite recipes for entertaining at home.

Batter:

125 g butter, softened

¼ cup caster sugar

2 tablespoons cornflour

3 eggs

3 tablespoons milk

grated rind of 1 lemon

½ cup ground almonds

½ teaspoon almond essence

Preheat the oven to 180 ºC.Roll the pastry out on a lightly floured

bench to about a 25cm circle. Use to line the base and sides of a 23cm loose-bot-tomed flan tin. Press the pastry firmly into the fluted sides of the tin so that the pastry edge is nicely shaped when cooked. Prick the base evenly with a fork.

Line the pastry shell with baking paper and three-quarters fill with baking blind beans. Bake in the preheated oven for 15 minutes or until the pastry is lightly cooked. Remove the paper and beans and return to the oven for a further 5-7 min-utes or until well cooked. While the pastry is cooking, prepare the prune mix.

Cover the prunes with boiling water and stand for 2 minutes. Drain off all the water. Place the prunes in a saucepan with the butter, sugar and rum and cook until the prunes are mushy and glazed. Allow to cool thoroughly.

To make the batter, beat the butter and sugar together in a bowl until the mixture is quite pale. Beat in the cornflour. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Stir in the milk, lemon rind, ground almonds, almond essence and cooled prune mixture. Do not panic if the mix looks or becomes slightly separated.

Pour the batter into the cooked flan and level off carefully. Return to the oven for 25-30 minutes or until the tart is firm to the touch in the centre. Remove from the oven and allow to cool for 15 minutes before serving warm, dusted with icing sugar. Accompany with cream or ice cream.

To make a caramelised grid: Dust cooled tart liberally with icing sugar. Heat metal skewers over an open flame. Drag the hot skewers through the icing sugar in straight lines. Their heat will slightly caramelise the sugar, leaving the grill lines.

Serves 8-10

these extracts from ‘cook’ – copyrIght © aLLyson gofton, 2009. photography by aLan gILLard. pubLIshed by penguIn group (nz).

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frances coventry chats wIth thIs popuLar tv presenter, radIo broadcaster, happy wIfe and proud mum …

Hilary Barry



1a great night out for you would go like …? HILARY: I have to confess we’re

real homebodies. But if we did go out it would start with a glass of bubbles with my husband, Mike, at the kitchen bench. Then a walk down the road to a local res-taurant for dinner. If the kids were with us it’d be off to our little Japanese place where sushi’s their food of the moment. For a special occasion like a wedding anniversary, we may book into the French Restaurant. That’s if we could plan ahead for three months to get a reservation! I love food and cooking, and as the kids get older I get a bit more adventurous.

2who do you most admire, and why? HILARY: Aung San Suu Kyi,

Burma’s opposition leader. When I was researching her life for a story, I discov-ered what an extraordinary woman she is. Her dedication to her people and the way she’s coped with that situation is amaz-ing. I consider her this decade’s Nelson Mandela.

3If you could do anything in the world and could not fail what

would that be?HILARY:ClimbmtEverest. I love theoutdoors and exploring new places, but I’ve never climbed a mountain before. you’re absolutely sure I couldn’t fail?tobe honest, it’s that assurance that makes it look attractive!

4what’s the best thing and the hardest thing about being a mum?

HILARY: One of the best things is laugh-ter. My boys are now 7½ and 10 – and it’s so much fun to see their sense of humour developing. They’re starting to get our jokes now. They join in, especially when I’m taking the mickey out of myself. The hardest thing for me is getting that work/life/family balance. If the family’s out of sync I find it really unsettling. Mike’s gone back to teaching so that he can do all the after-school activities and get the boys ready for school the next day. I couldn’t do my jobs without him.

5what book is currently on your bedside table?HILARY: The Thirteenth Tale by

Diane Setterfield. It’s a gothic suspense novel and a great summer read.

6what’s your fondest memory growing up? HILARY: Summertime by the

beach with the extended family. Aunts and cousins all over the place. There’s some-thing very special about building repeated memories through your childhood.

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7what’s the first thing you’d change about nz if you could?

HILARY: I’d get rid of the culture that knocks people. I don’t like New Zealand having a reputation as a nation of knock-ers. We need to celebrate people! There’s even a tendency to think someone’s tak-ing the mickey out of you when they pay you a genuine compliment. I’m a posi-tive person and I don’t like that whinging mentality and the cynicism that goes with it. But I’ve no desire to move overseas;

there are so many experiences to be had here, and our natural environment is won-derful for a family.

8Imagine you’re stuck on a desert island with just one person – who would

that be, and why? HILARY: Well, assuming he’s reading this, it would have to be my husband. How-ever, if he wasn’t available it’d be George Clooney. I’d like to have a chat with him! Evenifhecouldn’ttalk,Icouldjustlookat him for hours!

9what’s the best advice you could give young parents?

HILARY: Don’t worry too much. Things will improve, and one day you’ll get some sleep. If it’s your first child you can stress so much, because it’s all so daunting and foreign. If I could go back, I wouldn’t be so concerned if my child didn’t fit the Plunket book or the self-help parenting book I was reading at the time. I’d relax and enjoy it more.

10have you any tips for a young wife? HILARY: Yes. Don’t sweat

the small stuff. Twelve years on I’ve given up trying to break the wet-towels-on-the-floor habit. I just scoop them up and throw them in the hamper. My husband has so many other good qualities that make up for it – and honestly, I don’t think he’ll ever pick up the towels!

Focus on the big picture. Don’t lose sight of the reasons why you married each other in the first place. And don’t forget: you chose him!


WHERE’S THE GLEAM GONE?

mIke cooney Is a grapevIne staff-wrIter. ‘scrubcutters’ are radIo spots – produced by cba, and heard by 180,000 peopLe each weekday, on the newstaLkzb network.

the way. Then you spend 20 years in an old-age home. You get

kicked out when you’re too young. You’re given a

gold watch, and you go to work.

“You work for 20 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retire-ment. You go to university … you party until you’re

ready for highschool … you attend primary

school … you become a little kid … you play. You

have no responsibilities. “You’re finally a little baby. You

go back into the womb … you spend your last months floating … and you finish up as a gleam in somebody’s eye.

“It’s hard to imagine we were once a gleam in someone’s eye,” wrote Mike. “What happened to the gleam in our eye? What happened to that joyful, crazy, spontaneous, fun-loving spirit we once had? The childlikeness in all of us gets snuffed out over the years …”

Mmm. Maybe when Jesus said we should become like children, he had apoint?

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KIDs CAn BE A lot oFfun … but they also have the uncanny ability to expose some

home-truths.What do I mean?Well,spend time with any fun-loving four-year-old, and it’s not long before we start to realise that we’ve become too serious, too tense, too stressful.

Somewhere on our journey, we’ve stopped seeing the world through the eyes of a child. We’ve lost sight of the opportunities for fun, the joy of spontaneity, and the wonder of crea-tion. In fact, many of us, sadly, are only half-alive.

Mike Yaconelli had a great solution: “I think the life cycle is all back-to-front. You should die first, get it out of


VanCoUVer big cities rarely excite me. “see one – you’ve seen them all!” (as the tired cliché says). and when we touched-down in vancouver after a 13½ hour flight across the pacific ocean (“during which you snored and dribbled the whole way,” insists my wife) I fully expected to be ho-hummed again. but no, far from it! vancouver quickly proved to be a worthy exception. and I just as quickly fell in love …


JUSt LoVInG


T his cosmopolitan showcase is the envy of the Pacific Northwest: wall-to-wall skyscrapers every-

where you look … fantastic mirror-glass reflections everywhere else … a maze of waterways, islands, bridges, beaches … a wow-you waterfront littered with foun-tains, parks and cafes … swarms of colour-ful floatplanes taking off and landing … and an endless in-out procession of cruise-ships and kayaks, sailboats and ferries.

In case you’re wondering, Captain Cook was the first known European toset foot in what is now British Columbia. And, if it wasn’t for a little blip by who-ever drew the lines on maps, Vancouver could well have been part of the U.S. of A. Instead, this stunning coastal city managed to sneak in to Canada’s bottom-left-hand corner – and if you’re after a green rain-forest, a blue ocean, a white mountain-

top, or a pink sock-eye salmon, you truly couldn’t come to a better place!

We ventured out on foot that first full day in town, snapping brag-worthy photos and successfully dodging wrong-side-of-the-road traffic. Then, later, we ate dinner at the Steamworks Brewery in Gastown while a burnt-orange sun went down over the bay.

Gastown (in case you’re wondering again) got its name from “Gassy Jack” Deighton – famous during the late 1800s as a spinner of very tall tales. He arrived, stepping ashore with a barrel of whiskey, and convinced the local millworkers that if they’d build him a saloon, he’d serve them drinks. The saloon was up and run-ning within a day … and the Gastown district still oozes historic charm.

Next morning, I graciously allowed my wife to go shopping while I took to the skies in one of those

floatplanes. And oh, what a blast! And what eye-popping views from up-up-up-above! Little wonder Vancouver regularly tops those lists of the world’s greatest places to live …

We sampled a sandwich on a park-bench somewhere, then went for a good old-fashioned Sunday afternoon drive (rememberthosewhenyouwereakid?)aboard a comfortable coach, while an

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Steam clock.


attractive young Vancouverite (speaking French-taintedEnglish)introducedustoher city’s landmarks: Lions Gate Bridge, Canada Place, Chinatown, Robson Street, Gastown (where we eyeballed a hissing steam clock), Stanley Park (where we got close-up to some towering totem poles), Prospect Point (where we were greeted by a stripey racoon), and a popular fun-time zone known as Granville Island.

By the end of which we were hungry again – so it was off for a banquet at the Granville Hotel.

An early-morning wake-up call got us out of bed … the hotel’s lift got us to the top floor for breakfast

… a coach got us to the ferry terminal at Tsawwassen (bet you can’t pronounce it!) … and a giant BC Ferry took us (coach

and all) to Vancouver Island, some 90 minutes away, across island-studded waters.

We then headed off, under clear blue skies and a hot Canadian sun, on a walking tour of the world-famous-and-utterly-gorgeous Butchart Gardens – where we oohed and aahed and isn’t-it-beautifulled for several thoroughly pleasant hours.

This magnificent botanical estate (in case you’re still wondering) was created 100 years ago from the remains of an old quarry. It’s now a National Historical Site of Canada, expecting its 50-millionth visitor any day now. (Who knows, that might’ve been me?)

Anyway, you’d have to be an unsee-ing, unfeeling, uncultured klutz not to be blown away by these 55 acres of flowers. oneoftheloveliestcornersontheplanet?You’d better believe it!


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A DOUBLE CRUISE IN NTH AMERICA

are you a fun-loving

MIDLIFERwho’s keen to

TRAVEL? Once or twice each year,

Grapevine’s John & Robyn Cooney sneak away

with a bunch of like-minded friends on MIDLIFE MADNESS ADVENTURES

to places like those described in this article.

If you want to find out more phone 0800 277 477 or

email [email protected] or visit www.johncooney.co.nz

Promoted by Lion World Travel with benefit to Grapevine Magazine

Milan � Florence � San Gimignano � Siena Rome � Sorrento � Pompeii � Kotor

Dubrovnik � Venice � Koper � Santorini Ephesus � Istanbul � Gallipoli � Troy

CRUISING THE MEDITERRANEAN Italy, Venice

CroatiaSlovenia

Greek Isles Turkey

Sept 2011 26 days includingGallipoli & Anzac Cove

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We strolled along meandering paths and expansive lawns, played hide-and-seek amongst the hedgerows, climbed steps, smelled the roses, sat under shade trees, and snacked at the café.

Then we followed that up with a short tour of Victoria, the truly lovely capital of British Columbia – once touted as Cana-da’smostye-olde-Englishcity.

Back in Vancouver, we grabbed an early night between crisply-ironed sheets on our enormous king-sized hotel bed … and dreamed of the next leg on this North American adventure: Alaska!

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one day and grabbed the lot – that, for me, was so symbolic of the mess that our divorce created. I mean, how do you split things like photo albums down the middle?”•NICK:“What got to me was the tidal waves of grief. Grief over the loss of my dream, the loss of my property. Grief that comes with disillusionment – over the woman I’d known (or thought I’d known) all these years. I must admit I took it out on the garden! Every weed I pulled was a piece of her anatomy!”•BRUCE:“You feel so hopeless because

DIVORCE: THE OUCH FACTOR

DIVorCE. It’s BorInGlycommon these days. Nearly half of all Kiwi marriages now

end this way. And the statistics for de-facto couples are even more depressing. As arrangements get less formal, the chance of a bust-up gets higher. And it’s not just the big things, the obvious things, that hurt …

•GINA:“We had something like 18 photo albums – our mums and dads, us as children, our courting years, our wed-ding day, the kids arriving. All that stuff. But when Frank stormed into the house

I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

SMILE … #1

photo: tamm

y cooney. modeLs: cherry & m

urray.


Want to read more?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2006, ISSUE 4 … & FIND ‘DIVORCE: THE OUCH FACTOR’

you’re now out of the ‘family picture’. Before you were a main player. Do the kids need help with their homework? Will we all sit down and watch NZ Idol? But now you’re a kind of stranger – in what was once your place. Lots of my gear’s still there, all the old familiar stuff. Everything but me!”•THERESE: “Some of the things that went on are funny, now I look back on them. He was determined to get the dog, for example. But, later, his new partnercouldn’t stand the dog – so it ended up back with me and the kids. I didn’t lose much sleep over our material posses-sions. But I got horribly upset when our

thiNGs to Do With A STALE CHRISTMAS CAKE:

1PAIntItWHItEAnDPlACE it outside on the grass so people won’t park on your lawn.

2. Keep it under your pillow for self-defence.

3. Carve the Prime Minister’s face in it and submit it as a work of art.

4. Use it as a base for flower arrange-ments.

5. Give it to your boss and tell him it’s a lifebuoy.

6. Donate it to the airport for use as an airliner wheel block.

separation became a tug-of-war over the children!”

Sadly, it’s the children in warring relationships that can suffer worst. Young children – up to mid-teens any-way – often believe the whole mess is their fault: “I should’ve been able to stop this!” And then there’s the whole ques-tion of “Whose side am I on?” …

SMILE … #2

T ry praising your wife, even if it frightens her at first. (bILLy sunday)

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THInKBACKForAmomEnt.Dothesewordssoundfamiliar?• “Don’t be so stupid!”

• “When are you going to grow up?”• “After all we’ve done for you …”• “You’re just like your mother!”• “You never get it right, do you!”• “How come you make a mess of

everything?”• “Why can’t you be more like your

brother?”Most of us can probably remember

words like these from our childhood … and they probably weren’t intended as put-downs. But if they’re repeated often enough, they can sink into our minds and leak down into our hearts – until eventually we BEComE what thosemessages tell us.

“When I was at school everyone made fun of my fat legs,” reports one young

woman. “They used to call me ‘tree stump’, and I would often cry myself to sleep at night.

“As I grew older, I laughed with them to cover up. And as a young adult I just knew that no-one would ever want to go out with me.

“But when I was at Teachers College I met Mark. I liked him from the start. I felt really comfortable with him. And when he asked me out I couldn’t believe it! He never made one single reference to my legs. But I did – constantly – you know, looking for reassurance.

“One night Mark took my hand and said, ‘I want you to quit knocking yourself. God gave you good, sturdy legs. They give me a solid feeling, and I like them.’

“I could only cry …“A week later he took me home, and

when I met his mother I wanted to cry again. She’d had polio. She wore a shoe that was built up, and she walked with a limp.

“I looked at Mark and he looked at me … and I think I loved him right then like nobody had ever loved a guy before.”

Doyouwanttogrowconfidentkids?Take every opportunity you can to give them the ‘thumbs-up’. And while you’re at it, teach them the most wonderful secret of all: God doesn’t make junk!

self-esteem:CREATING CONFIDENT KIDS

Want to read more?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2006, ISSUE 2 … & FIND ‘CREATING CONFIDENT KIDS’

photo: tamm

y cooney. modeL: kaLanI


had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Finally, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cab driver hit a parked car.

W E WErE DrEssEDand ready to go out to this party. We’d covered our

pet parakeet, turned on the porch light, and put our old cat outside. We’d phoned and requested a taxi, and when the taxi arrived we opened the front door to leave the house. Which was when the cat we’d put outside scooted back into the house!

We didn’t want her shut inside because, although she’s old, she always tries to eat the bird. So my wife went out to the taxi while I went back to get the cat – which promptly ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the taxi, my wife didn’t want the taxi driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So she explained that I would be out soon: “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I apolo-gised, as we drove away. “The crazy old coot was hiding under the bed, and I

CrosseD Wires DePt:SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER

SMILE … #3

T he word ‘aerobics’ was invented when gym instructors got together and said: “If we’re

going to charge $20 an hour, we can’t call it ‘Jumping Up And Down’ …”

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Want to read more?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2005, ISSUE 4 … & FIND ‘INNER SPACE’

life before birth:A MYSTERY UNWRAPPED

WE HUmAns HAVE always wanted to know about our life before

birth. And we still haven’t got all the answers. The mystery remains. But today, medical science has succeeded as never before in tracing the many small wonders that occur during those nine months in the womb. Now we know in detail what you were like when you were being formed in secret.

Take your first week, for example …What does one cell do, if it wants to

becomearealhumanbeing?Answer: it grows … by dividing! One cell splits into two, two into four, four into eight, and so on …

But that’s not all. You’ve already embarked on your first trip – down the fallopian tube – fed as you go by nutri-ent cells (your own packed lunch). You arrive after about three days, all 64 or so cells of you, in your mother’s womb. And you take up permanent residence … making a cosy burrow in the soft, spongy wall. (They call this event implantation.)

As a new lodger, you immediately organise things to suit yourself. And you send your mum the first clue that you’re there – by producing a hormone that, in just one week, will stop her next men-strual period.

Even more importantly, on day sixyour placenta starts producing another chemical (IDO – indoleamine dioxy-genase) – suppressing mum’s immune system, which would otherwise send out an alarm: “Repel boarders!” and spearhead an attack on the ‘foreign’ tissue in her body.

Phew! You’re safe …Meanwhile, your cells are making

their separate plans in preparation for the most crazy-busy three weeks you’ll ever know…

By the time you’re just a month old, that one cell you started out as will have become millions! Blood cells will have formed, and made their way to your blood vessels. And your tiny heart will now be pumping this amazing red fluid through your own body!

Your eyes, ears and mouth will have begun to develop. Your brain will be opening for business. And the world’s most efficient communications network – your spinal cord and nervous system – will be under construction …

photo: Lennart nILsson/aLbert bonnIers förLag ab


GRAPEPUZZLE SOLUTIONS (see sudoku puzzles on Page 24)

MEDIUM HARD

1 6 5 8 7 7 2 9 4 7 8 2 6 3 6 2 3

3 6 5 4 9

1 5 7 6 8 2 4 7 5 5 1 9 6

1 2 6 9 3 5 4 8 7 7 3 8 6 2 4 9 5 1 9 4 5 7 1 8 2 6 3 6 7 1 2 5 9 3 4 84 9 3 8 6 1 5 7 25 8 2 3 4 7 1 9 63 1 4 5 7 6 8 2 9 2 6 9 4 8 3 7 1 5 8 5 7 1 9 2 6 3 4

Grapevine 1/2010 – Grapepuzzles

SUDOKU NUMBERS GAME #1 – EASY

SOLUTION – to go on p.67

1 3 3 6 6 1 5 4

7 1 42 8 7 6 4

2 8 9 4 9 2 8

2 9 5 1 7 4 3 8 6 3 8 4 9 2 6 7 5 1 6 1 7 5 8 3 4 9 2 9 7 6 2 3 1 5 4 81 4 2 8 5 9 6 7 35 3 8 6 4 7 2 1 97 2 9 4 6 8 1 3 5 8 6 3 7 1 5 9 2 4 4 5 1 3 9 2 8 6 7

Grapevine 1/2010 – Grapepuzzles

SUDOKU NUMBERS GAME #2 – HARD

SOLUTION – to go on p.67

tWo iNto oNe:MARRIAGE RULEZ

I’VE lEArnEDtHIs mUCHabout marriage: You get tested. You find out who you are, who

the other person is, and how you accom-modate or don’t.

There are a few rules I know to be true:

If you don’t respect the other person, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don’t know how to compromise, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can’t talk openly about what goes on between you, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don’t have a common set of values in life, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble.

Your values must be alike. And the biggestoneofthosevalues?yourbeliefin the importance of marriage. Person-ally, I think marriage is a very important thing to do, and you’re missing a hell of a lot if you don’t try it …

morrIe schwartz – ‘tuesdays wIth morrIe’

SMILE … #4

When I was a kid, we walked 10 kilometres to school every day, uphill, often in the rain or

snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus!

of trouble.

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You make a living by what you get.

You make a life by what you give.

Grapevine, Issue 1 2010

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Transcript of Grapevine, Issue 1 2010