Grand Valley - Issue 7 - 11/20/2014

The Black SheepVolume 3 Issue 7The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Free! Like pumpkin-scented

things. Oh, no, not yet? Okay, fine.

FOLLOW US @THEBLACKSHEEPGV THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COMNOVEMBER 20th, 2014 - DECEMBER 3rd, 2014

TAKE A TIP FROM THE HOBOS, MY FRIENDS.

TOP 10: WAYS TO STAY WARM IN SNOWPOCALYPSE 2014

PAGE 5

WE DO NOT CONDONE STEALING, BUT PERHAPS BORROWING.

A HOLIDAY DECORATING GUIDE FOR BROKE LAKERS EVERYWHERE

PAGE 10

JUST MEMORIZE THESE ANSWERS AND KEEP TOPPING OFF YOUR WINE.

HOW TO AVOID THE WORST QUESTIONS YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING

PAGES 12-13

A Fresh Thanksgiving at GVSU Well, it looks to be that time of year again, Lakers – the Thanksgiving season is upon us! That means a five-day weekend, way too much No-vember snow, and a shit-ton of cramming before finals. Although we’re all really just counting the cold days until Christmas break, we can’t deny how excited we are for that turkey dinner. We all know the week leading up to our second-to-third favorite holiday is when our leaders here at GVSU unleash the ultimate Thanksgiving banquet: Fresh’s Thanksgiv-ing dinner. Thanks to the Fresh Food Company, we are able to enjoy a gourmet holiday buffet. Here’s what’s on tap for this remarkable feast:

NONSPECIFIC PROCESSED BIRD PILE: We all love the smell of a nice, delicious, juicy turkey baking in the oven – there’s simply no denying it. So why not mosey on down to Fresh to steal a sniff of a scrumptious, falling-off-the-ribcage unspecified deli bird? Held together by a creamy processed gelatin byproduct gravy, this dry mound of deli meat is just what the doctor ordered.

MASHED POTATO PASTE: Every last one of us absolutely loves mashed potatoes. If you don’t, you can F right the heck off. Especially when we’re talking about the one-of-a-kind potato paste offered right here at the Fresh Food Company. If you enjoy mashed French fries and tater tots soaked in water and held together by 30Ibs of margarine, Fresh has what you’re looking for! Not to mention it works great as an adhesive – bon-appetite Lakers.

JACKED UP-O-PIE: Ah yes, dessert! Just about everyone loves dessert. And nothing screams “Thanksgiving” like a piping-hot pumpkin pie with its sweet crumbling crust, spiced filling, two dollops of whipped cream, and a sprinkle of cinnamon to top it off. But you haven’t lived until you’ve tried Fresh’s delectable and local jack-o-lantern pie. Fermented pumpkins stolen straight from the Greek houses’ front lawns baked on top of a deliciously salty tortilla chip crust. It simply doesn’t get any better than that, Lakers.

CRANBERRY SAUCE: Just the usual can of lumpy cranberry sauce for your eating pleasure. Even they can’t screw this one up.

INDISCRIMINATE CASSEROLE: Not everyone is a fan of a chunky green bean slop, it’s just a fact of life. Unless, of course, we’re talking about Fresh’s corn-and-Funyun cas-serole. Instead of foul-smelling onions and soggy green beans, Fresh has crafted a mouth-watering corn dish thanks to the 50,000 acres of

grain surrounding campus. The crumbly goodness of the top Funyun layer makes for the perfect side dish.

THE LAKER BOWL – HOLIDAY EDITION: One does not dare forget about the GVSU classic – Laker Bowl Thanks-giving Edition. Rather than a chicken, corn, and potato bowl, Fresh has crafted a special and conveniently compact holiday bowl. Stuffed full of turkey, potato paste, cranberry sauce, and loads of corn – the

Thanksgiving Laker Bowl is the hastily-mushed-together meal you’ve always wanted.

So if you find yourself too low on money to make that long haul back home for the holiday, remember, Fresh has got you covered for a meal plan or $8 to dine-in. Thanks to the innovative cooking styles, we get to enjoy the ultimate Thanksgiving meal. Be sure to thank them for this delicious banquet, Lakers, we have a lot to give thanks for.

Logan Bailey wrote this

CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

EDITORIAL MANAGER Rachel McLaughlin

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Maya Campbell, Brooks O’Brien

WRITERS Julie Nichols, Mike LambertiShardae Rudel, Jeff PerryTeresa Williams, Abigail DewstowAlison Tazelaar

DISTRIBUTION MANAGERLogan Bailey

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGERMeghan Dooley

CAMPUS DIRECTORBrendan Bonham

OWNERAtish Doshi

FOUNDERSAtish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

[email protected]

[email protected]

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MEET the STAFF

OWNED & OPERATED BY:Black Card Media, LLC

2130 W. Potomac AvenueSuite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622

Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER:The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or

supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything

printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

TAKE-OUT • DELIVERY • DINE-IN

Discover Mexico at GVSU with Our Daily Specials!

MON. & WED. & FRI. Sam’s Famoso Burritos $5

with Drink Purchase

TUES. & THURS. $0.99 Tacos with Drink Purchase

(Beef or Chicken, limit 10)

6031 Lake Michigan Dr. (60th and Lake Michigan Dr., in front of Grand Coney)Monday - Saturday: 11am-8pm • 616-892-3829

Like us on Facebook or Ask about Sam’s Loyalty Program Cards

All Week Student Special: $4.99 Mexican Burgers with Drink purchase

Open for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

A FEW MORE WAYS TO KILL SOME TIME.

PLAY WITH US! @THEBLACKSHEEPGV

PAGE 3BEAT OUR CAPTION!

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re

right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR!

Born in Bothell, Washington.#2

Died in 2010.#3

Developed “Captain’s Reserve” coffee brand.#1

Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it

is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

SEX EUPHEMISM ORSERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE FRENCH RIPPER

BARTOGRAPHY

To produce a map that shows the location of bars in one’s city.

Ryan’s attempt at bartography was noble, but all the bars in his college town

were on the same street.

“Damn, these headphones suck!

Grand Valley has made great strides to help students expedite the printing process in the computer labs around campus by making it possible to email your document from any computer straight to the printer. The benefits are endless: no lines, no waiting for a computer to open up, no scaling staircases with the hopes of getting the last computer available on the 3rd floor. Now it’s as simple as scanning your ID and waiting for your document to print! But…what if it doesn’t? Some students have been reporting issues with the printer not doing its one damn job.

The Conspiracy Club at GVSU has come up with a few theories to explain this strange phenomenon:

Printer Elves/goblins/gnomes are close cousins to the species that live in your dryer and steal your socks, but these creatures decide whether or not you should be able to get to class on time. By stealing your hot, freshly-printed essay off the tray before you can blink they get to watch as your stupid human brain tries to figure out where your homework went. Sure, you’re bigger and taller than they are, but what are you going to do? Yell at the printer? Just try that, see how long it takes until you get carried off by professionals.

T. Haas saw you cheating off Becky and wanted to shut that shady shit down. This university is a place of honor, and justice will be served. But instead of embarrassing you in front of that cutie in the printing room, he just hijacked the printer and forbade you from turning in your plagiarized garbage essay. You know what you’ve done, don’t even act surprised. T. Haas

is just trying to help you be your best.

The National Security Agency (NSA) is using the printers to get information about students on campus. The documents that don’t print from the campus printers go straight to Obama’s printer. Are you printing any illegal PowerPoints? Are professors assigning the right required readings? The NSA is watching all of us, and the printers are a perfect way of monitoring what is of importance to the student body of GV.

Robots actually run the IT department and not people. Wondering why your tuition went up? Robots. Those rumors about having to pay for printing? Robots! “But,” you say, “if they’re all robots why are the printers not working? Robots don’t make mistakes!” All we can do is remind you that if they never made mistakes, we’d have caught on faster. The printers don’t always print your documents because if everything ran smoothly there would be no “human error,” way too risky. Way too suspicious.

You are entering the Twilight Zone and do not need your papers. There are more important things like aliens and robot attacks. Similar to an episode of Doctor Who, the Twilight Zone is a far more scary, mind-bending, world-altering experience. Congrats. You’re in it.

Our advice? Welcome our technological overlords. Clearly your papers, PowerPoints, and (plagiarized) research have a higher purpose. Something. It’s gotta be something. Who are you to question the printers?

Alison Tazelaar wrote this

Where Do the Sent Printed Files Go?

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CONSUMERISM

As stores begin setting up for the Black Friday rush, Grand Valley’s University Bookstore is taking a different approach to the craze. Instead of lowering prices, they’re increasing them.

“We’ve never participated in Black Friday before, and we don’t intend to,” said manager Kevin Sanders. “At least not the way everyone else does. Just for the day, prices are going to jump up.”

When asked about the change, Sanders sighed heavily.

“After last year’s incident, we decided it was the only option,” he said. “We can’t afford another situation like that.”

Last year, a student came into the store on Black Friday and started aggressively yanking things off shelves and stuffing them into a cart he brought from Target, as the bookstore baskets just weren’t big enough.

“It was so confusing. He ran in

and started tossing things into a cart that didn’t even belong to us,” employee Jessica Reynel explained. “He didn’t even really stop to look at anything he was buying. We asked him if he needed any help, but he just grunted and kept going.”

Mark Carlsberg, the aggressive shopper, had nearly $3,000 worth of product by the time he finished his mad spree. Items in his cart included a laptop, tablet, and 500 pens. Jessica, who’d been his cashier, hesitantly rang everything up. She told The Black Sheep she’d tried to make small talk with Carlsberg.

“I asked him if he found everything okay, and he said yes. He told me he was shocked to see no one else was here taking advantage of the ‘sweet deals.’ I had no idea what he meant, so I asked him. He looked at me like I was stupid. He said it was Black Friday, which meant that everything was discounted. I told him we had no discounts

and he demanded to speak to a manager, so I had Kevin come out. When Kevin told him the same thing, things got really bad.”

Neither Kevin nor Jessica felt comfortable going into too much detail about what happened. The bookstore was closed down for a few weeks to make repairs to flipped-over cases and smashed cash registers.

The Black Sheep was unable to get an interview with Carlsberg. When called and asked, Carlsberg muttered, “Not again with this bullshit” and hung up.

This year, jackets which were previously $30 will be marked up to $59.99. Pencils, erasers, and paper clips are going for $10 a pop. Of course, the bookstore still maintains considerations to students’ financial hardships.

“The jackets were originally marked up to $60. But we decided we couldn’t be that cruel. So we brought the price

down,” Kevin told us. “You’re welcome.”

The bookstore will also be distributing “coupons” to students. These coupons, made out of construction paper, are more for emotional support than financial help. They say

things like “you’re beautiful,” “you deserve to be happy,” and the most heartfelt of all: “this is the system of capitalism you were born into and will continue to slave in to prove your worth as a person.” Kevin showed us a few examples he made by stealing his little cousin’s arts and craft

supplies.

If you happened to be around campus for Black Friday, try and swing by the bookstore. You won’t be able to buy anything, but at least you can stare longingly at all the items you don’t need anyway.

GV Bookstore Refuses to Participate inBlack Friday Teresa Williams wrote this

While some people are saying, “it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” Lakers are singing a different tune. It’s that time of year again to start prepping for the upcoming winter storms. “But I don’t know where to start!” you cry, pathetically. Have no fear! The Black Sheep has some tips for you to help battle winter weather.

10.) Line your coats with hand warmers: When you have to make the trip from Kirkhof to Field-house in Siberian weather, a few packs of hand warmers properly squished and properly applied will save you from needing amputation due to frostbite.

9.) Get a “warming buddy”: In the most desperate of times you and someone near you may be on the verge of becoming colder than Walt Disney’s corpse. Turn on R. Kelly’s “Bump n’ Grind” and embrace the body heat, baby.

8.) Collect hair for a knitted sweater: Who doesn’t like hand-knit sweaters? Who knew something so unique and ugly could make you feel so warm? Just follow one of the long-haired sorority girls with a lint roller and start gathering up hair like GVSU squirrels do acorns. You’ll don a creepy cro-chet in no time.

7.) Buy liquor: Have you ever heard someone who has had a few drinks complain about being cold? Neither has anyone else. Some cheap 5 O’Clock vodka would do wonders in giving you that warm tingling sensation during the Snowpocalypse. 6.) Get a metal trash can for a hobo fire: There’s a reason why the homeless warm their hands over these in every TV show and movie. Start gathering wood near the Ravines and snag some quality aluminum cans, you’re on your way to having a good ol’ bumfire that’d make your grandpa proud.

5.) Turn your stove on and hang the door open: If an open fire doesn’t cut it, or you’re too scared to have a good time, the next best thing is to crank up your oven to 450 degrees and swing that door open like you grew up in a barn. And hey, when the energy bill shows up, burn it in the oven. Free heat!

4.) Grab every winter wear item in the lost and found: If someone‘s dumb enough to leave their Columbia sweater in the Mary Idema Pew Library, you’d be a fool not to grab it and enjoy the over-priced fleece. Who are you? An economically-efficient consumer, that’s who.

3.) Build a fortress in the library reading room: When it comes to being comfortable in arctic weather, making a room with one of the largest fireplaces in the state your personal lair is totally acceptable. Barricade yourself in a cubby and make it your own personal igloo.

2.) Develop a drug addiction: Every heroin addict on the planet describes opiate usage as giving a warm sensation. What’s it matter if you miss a few days weeks of showering when you’re chasing that white dragon?

1.) Line your house with Saran wrap: Our nana does this and her house is as warm as her choco-late chip cookies fresh from her oven (which is also wide open warming the house). Just learn from grandma’s mistakes and make sure you put the wrap inside the house instead of outside the house.

Ways to Stay Warm in Snowpocalypse 2014

THE TOP TEN

Jeff Perry wrote this

CAMPUS FASHION

Ugg Boots: Ugg boots are to college girls dur-ing autumn as Crocs are to moms by the pool during summer. Chances are if you wear Uggs, you’re also wearing leggings or skinny jeans as well as some overpriced jacket brand. You pre-fer Starbucks over Biggby and pumpkin spice over peppermint mocha, but you take great pride in this. While no one can deny how com-fortable you look, you still risk being part of the mob of basic bitches who aim to take over the world. But hey, whatever works.

Basketball Shorts: There are two types of peo-ple who wear shorts during late fall or early win-ter: Yoopers and guys who want to prove their manliness. If you wear shorts when it’s not short weather, you’re also one of the guys who wear muscle shirts outside of the gym. You enjoy protein shakes and actually using your student ID for free trips to the Rec Center. Here’s a tip for you: people aren’t looking at you because they admire your bravery, they’re wondering when you’ll collapse from the hypothermia.

Winter Coat: If you’re wearing a puffy winter jacket when it’s 40 degrees out, you’re not from around here. Maybe you’re from the east side of Michigan or even from out of state. Here in West Michigan, November’s 40-degree wind chills are nothing compared to what’s just around the corner, and veterans of GV’s campus

are painfully aware of this. Premature winter coat wearing is a dead giveaway of your bliss-ful unawareness and it is just so cute. It’ll be a shame when all of your hopes and dreams of seeing the sun again are crushed. Now you’re truly a Grand Valley student.

Week-Old Sweatpants: If you’re sporting sweatpants, chances are A) they’re the same ones you’ve been wearing all week and B) you haven’t showered today. While there’s no shame in this (au-natural is a highly admirable trait in some loser cultures), there’s still a line between being a lazy college student and for-getting personal hygiene. Sometimes you just have to sacrifice comfort for practicality and substitute your Lakers sweatpants for a pair of jeggings once in a while.

Varsity Jacket: If you wear a varsity jacket, you’re either a GV athlete or want to act like you are. Other than being an obvious sports fan, you walk with a slight strut because swag-ger and varsity jackets are apparently a pack-age deal. You were hot shit in high school and purchased your jacket to guarantee that same treatment in college. You have your old class shirt tucked away in your dresser drawer with a cutesy nickname your teammates gave you. Perk up, John-o. Things will get better. Just give it time.

What Your NovemberWardrobe Says About You

Shardae Rudel wrote this

November is like puberty. No one really likes it or knows how to deal with it, but it’s still there, like an un-welcome itch or GV’s general education program. Because of this confusion, November is also home to a myriad of different fashion trends exhibited by college students that range from the obscure to just plain laughable. Here is a quick guide to see if you (yeah, you) are one of the culprits and what your fashion choices this fall say on your behalf.

Do you see a little bit—or a lot—of yourself in this list? Well, November’s cold, so feel free to take whatever article it is that got you in this mess and burn it for warmth. Oh, so now you’re naked, huh? What? Do you expect us to solve all of your problems?

06

What could Grand Valley give you for Thanksgiving that you’d

be thankful for?

ON THE STREETS

LAUREN, SENIOR “Free coffee during finals week.”

MEGAN, SOPHOMORE“A puppy.”

ANDY, SOPHOMORE“That the school could make really

good food for one day.”

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to [email protected] PICS!

• THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COMAROUND CAMPUS

While GVSU was busy arguing over the new bike path, the rest of the university was begging them to make some room for the equally mighty, yet far more radical, longboard. Due to the lobbying of longboard-enthusiast Chad McFadden, the university has not only agreed to install longboard paths, but to install a bevy of other features that make life easier for the boarder on the go.

In regards to his victory, McFadden said, “Yeah, it’s cool, but please don’t refer to me as an ‘enthusiast’ of anything. It makes me sound like I wear a fanny pack.”

The path will run alongside the forthcoming bike paths, but will also be 15-20 feet wide to accommodate “some mad carving,” according to McFadden.

“Yeah, the board is only about a foot wide, but a boarder needs at least fifteen, sometimes twenty, feet of berth to control their speed properly,” said Bill Polard, McFadden’s longboard researcher and GVSU junior. Normal skateboards only need a few feet of space, and a skateboard path might save some resources and trees, but according to Polard’s research, “That shit’s lame” and “No one cares.” McFadden also plans on using bird’s-eye footage of the S-carves made by longboarders going down the path to construct a waveform that’ll produce a sound “sicker than any drop you probably know,

scrub.”

In order to maintain the path, GVSU will construct toll booths at various intervals, though they won’t be collecting cash. Longboarders will be required to fist-bump a clerk at each checkpoint, who will then record how enthusiastically and with what technique that longboarder bumped fists. Polard explained the system: “Different styles account for different values. Classic bump, no hand explosion? Good for one checkpoint. Full-on punch, hand explosion, PLUS sound effects? My man, you get to ‘board in the fast lane.” High fives will not be accepted, because, according to McFadden, “The high-five sold out when everyone learned the elbow trick.”

Other methods of paying for the path include the installation of Monster Energy drinking fountains. McFadden was excited about the fountains, saying, “It’s really great of Monster to sponsor the pathway. There’s a kind of lifestyle we want to advocate that involves a lot of Monster Energy Drink and pizza.” Despite lobbying from GVSU contract holders with Papa John’s, the the pizza stops by the fountains will unfortunately not feature their new Fritos Chili Pizza because “Even pop-punk has standards.”

The feature McFadden raved about the most is not visible at first glance. Certain panels in the path

will have hydraulics under them that will push that panel up like a ramp if the longboarder is going fast enough when they pass a sensor. To illustrate, McFadden displayed a video in which he jumps on his longboard, bolts down the path, and triggers a ramp. He hit the ramp full speed, was flung from his board, and just as the check from Monster fell out of his pocket, he abruptly closed the video, and said, “Well, you get the idea.”

Sophomore longboard enthusiast Lyndsie King also gave her opinion on the path: “It’s a great time for our university, but you really need to work on that ‘enthusiast’ thing. Nobody likes that. Even stamp collectors call themselves ‘collectors.’” Regardless, longboard enthusiasts will soon be able to get in everyone’s way with more efficiency and speed than ever before.

GVSU to Install Longboard Paths #BruhMike Lamberti wrote this

The Bar Grid

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 1021+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

SPECIAL NIGHT

Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm:

25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Industry Special All DaySunday - Thursday33% off Drinks for

Restaurant/Bar Employees

FRIDAY!$3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Thursday Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells

4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger & a pint of craft beer6-9 p.m. $3 Beer Geek craft beer specials

College Night DJ Kane & Jenny Disko 50% Off Drinks Open-12

Because Thursday ends at Midnight...

$4 Microbrews Boneless Chicken Dinger Platter

Friday Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine


4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint

of craft beer

Live Entertainment $3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Saturday11am - 3pm:

Brunch and Bloody MaryBar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar

industry employeesLive Entertainment $2 Domestic Pints Noon-6

$5 Bulldozers and $3 Long Islands

Sunday11am - 3pm:

Brunch and Bloody MaryBar featuring House Infused

Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm:

25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Sunday Funday - NFL Ticket$3 Flavored Vodka, $2 Wells

$2 DomesticsDJ Laud-E after 9pm

$3.99 Bloody Marys9-Midnight

Monday

Mug Club Night! Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers

and Handhelds for Mug ClubberHappy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine


4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts

Toxic Trivia from 9-11pm$2 Wells, $2 Domestics $1 Off Michigan Beers

$2 Fireball

$3.99 Margaritas Fried Pickle Chips

TuesdayLocal Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2

Beers from 4pm - 12amHappy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine


4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice

Beat the Clock Specials Starting at 8 til Midnight

$2 Wells All Night DJ Keller Shaw

$3 You-Call-Its1/2lb. Hamburger & Fries

Wednesday Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine


4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer6-9 p.m. WIMP 50cent wings (min 6); $6 1/2

lb mussels; 25% off pitchers

Open Mic with Karate Scotty$1.50 Retro Cans, $2 Drink Specials

$4 Sangrias Hand-Battered Onion Rings

MENNASJOINT.COM 10897 48th AVE, SUITE B100

ALLENDALE, MI • (616) 895-3827

NEW THIS FALL! • Mac n’ Cheese Bites • Mozzarella Stix • Onion Rings

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

Employee Handbook2014

1

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

The Bar Grid

Happy Hour 4-7, Mon-Fri $2 Wells and Drafts

$2 Off All Other Drinks $2 Off Apps

WEDNESDAY: TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your

smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm

$4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

Tuesday!Laker Night! $2 Wells

Pitcher and Shot SpecialsToo many to list!

Happy Hour! 4-6pm Monday - Friday, 2-6pm Saturday & Sunday:

$1.50 Rolling Rock Draft$1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks

$1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour 4-7!$2 You Call Its 9PM-12AM 1/2 Off Food 8PM-10PM

Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles

PBR Progression: $0.50 Drafts at 7pm

Price Rises Every 30 Minutes...and many other great drink

and food specials!

$5 off all Burgers (the creature excluded) w/ purchase of a beverage from 6 to 11pm

(Dine-In Only)Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft

$1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks$1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Thursday

Happy Hour 4-7!Ladies Night: $4 Drink Menu

(8PM-12AM) for Ladies, No Cover Until 11PM

Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$4 Margaritas$7 Labatt Pitchers

$4 Long IslandsBeer and Shot Specials

Dance party every Friday!Great DJ with a club atmosphere!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft

$1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks$1.25 Blatz Cans,

$8 Pitchers of Sangria

Friday

Rotating Drink Specials! Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts

$5 Mully’s Blue Drinks16oz., 7 liquors

...and many other great drink and food specials!




Saturday

$3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day!

ClosedLike Us on Facebook!

1/2 off Apps Starting at 8pm$2 Wells, $4 Bloody Mary Specials


Rehab Brunch and Shit Show! $5 Build Your Own Bloody Mary bar

from Noon to 5pm1/2 off Jameson and $1 off Perrin and

Founders Draft, Barfly ½ off night

Sunday

Happy Hour 4-7! Team Trivia 7-9! $3 Drafts 7-9PM, $3 Calls 9-12AM

$4 Tall Craft Brews$1 Off All Burgers

Karaoke at 9pm$1.75 Bartender’s Choice Shots


Drunken Retort 9-11pm: $3 Liquor Special$2 Rolling Rock, $3 Sangria by the GlassHappy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft, $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks

$1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Monday

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts

$2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light

Laker Night! $2 WellsPitcher and Shot Specials

Featuring over a dozen beer, shot and cocktail specials!




Tuesday

Happy Hour 4-7! Open Mic Night! $2 Wells and Drafts

$2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AMLate Night Menu 10PM-12AM

TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a

GIFTCARD!Starting at 9pm and 10pm

$4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

Wings! $0.50 Traditional Wings6 wings with Domestic Pint for $4.99





Wednesday

52” FLATSCREEN TELEVISIONS4 BEDROOM, 4 1/2 BATHROOM

10 OR 12 MONTH LEASEKITCHEN W/ GRANITE TOP

FULLY FURNISHED

616.895.6678 • CAMPUSVIEWHOUSING.COM

TOUR TODAY!

LIVE HERE. LIVE BETTER.

MY COTTAGECOTTAGES • TOWNHOMES • APARTMENTS

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Friday, November 21stat Mully’s

As the clock struck midnight on November 1, a strange wind swept across Grand Valley’s Campus. It signaled that Halloween was out and the holidays were in. You want to get into the spirit of the season, but you spent your last $5 on leftover Halloween candy (excellent choice), so you need a little help. Have no fear! Here are some tips from The Black Sheep to help you decorate on the cheap this winter season.

Pore Over Pinterest:

Have you ever seen a craft tutorial on the internet and thought: “I could do that”? The good news is you probably could after three hours of crying and half a bottle of wine. So, browse Pinterest for some simple craft projects from brains of young, white mothers. Don’t know where to start? Try homemade candle making. All you have to do is collect your earwax and mold it into festive holiday candles, perfect for any celebration. If

your own body’s production of earwax isn’t enough, borrow a friend’s earwax. It’s a perfectly normal thing to do.

When in Doubt, Use Duct Tape:

As far as anyone’s concerned, duct tape might as well be a holiday in and of itself. And, honestly, who wouldn’t worship this gift to mankind? When you put on your “creative cap,” duct tape can literally be used to decorate any household object. Want a festive refrigerator? Duct tape. Sick of how your ceiling refuses to participate in the holidays? Stick some duct tape up there. The best thing about D.T. is that it even comes in holiday patterns and colors from turkeys to candy canes and even some menorahs (maybe). So, wrap everything in duct tape, including your cat so she can celebrate too. Who knew Mittens celebrated Kwanza?

Let Mother Nature Inspire You:

During the transition between fall and winter, nature slows down a bit and covers her ground in snow. Likewise, Mother Nature’s bugs will soon be dead, and, believe it or not, beetles make excellent holiday decorations. Before your holiday season gets too hectic, take the time to collect some dead beetles and paint them with festive nail polish. Glittery nail polish is especially nice and adds just a hint of sophistication. At this point you may be asking, “What do I do with my pretty, dead bugs?” Well, just about anything you want! The Black Sheep suggests arranging your beetle corpses into fun holiday images like the Star of David or your uncle when he’s eaten too much turkey. BOOM! Thanksgiving centerpiece.

Mooch Off of Everyone:

Truly, nothing says “Merry/Happy *insert whatever holiday you celebrate*” like low-key stealing. Thankfully, it’s that time of the year where for at least a solid two weeks, people care about homeless people and poor kids. So, by all means, no one will care if you, say, “borrow” a Christmas tree, or “rent” corn husk stalks from a local farmer. And, of course, don’t forget about your neighbors. Bring them a nice fruitcake

and they’ll have to let you inside their house. Then, when they go to put said fruitcake directly into the trash, it’s the perfect opportunity to plug in your holiday lights with an extension cord. ‘Tis the Season!

We hope we helped. The holiday season can be a little hectic, but with a little gumption, some elbow grease, and a whole lot of ear wax, you can truly make this holiday season one your stalking victim will remember forever.

A Holiday Decorating Guide for Broke Lakers Everywhere

Julie Nichols wrote this

THE DRINKING GAME RECIPE FOR DISASTER

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DEALING WITH FAMILY THE FINAL POTLUCK

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN?

PROFESSOR OINDRILA MUKHERJEE WRITING DEPARTMENT

SCORE7 out of 10 1) Movies: November 5th’s Interstellar is

directed by whom?

2) Thanksgiving: Traditionally, where was the first Thanksgiving celebrated?

3) Literature: What literary collection features such as “Aladdin’s Wonderful Lamp” and “The Seven Voyages of Sinbad the Sailor”?

4) Food: Similar to flour, masa is made from ground what?

5) History: Who shot Lee Harvey Oswald outside the Dallas Police Headquarters on November 4th, 1963?

6) The Human Body: What does “subcutaneous” mean?

7) Currency: The krone is the primary currency used by two countries. Name one.

8) Sports: Who recently passed Brett Favre for most NFL passing touchdowns of all time?

9) Fads of the 1990’s: Huge in the mid-1990’s, Beanie Babies were manufactured by what brand?

10) Fashion: What clothing brand features an open-mouthed crocodile as its logo?

Oindrila’s Answers Correct Answers

1) Christopher Nolan 2) Plymouth or Plymouth Colony 3) 1,001 Nights 4) Corn 5) Jack Ruby

6) Under the skin 7) Norway, Denmark 8) Peyton Manning 9) Ty 10) Lacoste

1) No idea 2) Somewhere out east... Plymouth? 3) 1,001 Nights 4) Corn! 5) Jack Ruby

6) Under the skin 7) Norway, Denmark 8) I don’t know American football

9) I wasn’t here in the 1990’s 10) Lacoste

ABLACK SHEEP

GUIDE HOW TO AVOID THE

WORST QUESTIONS

YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING

KATELIN HOWELLWROTE THIS

hanksgiving is a special holiday that brings the whole family together to celebrate football, eating and being thankful for all the things we have in our lives. Thanksgiving is also a time when family members you see maybe twice a year ask college students the “typical” college questions. The Black Sheep brings you the most typical questions you hear around the smorgasbord of food, and how to walk the line with your response. Remember, you’re not lying, you’re just telling a modified truth.

Question: “What do you want to do with an [insert major here] degree?”

Who’s Asking It: Your grandmother on your mom’s side.Why It’s Asked: Life was simpler in the olden days and they can’t imagine how an apparel studies major is a real thing.What You Should Say: “I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I’d like to achieve with this degree, but as graduation draws near I’m sure the classes I’ll be taking will prepare me for exactly what I want out of the path I’ve chosen.”What You Really Mean: “Honestly I have no idea what the hell I want to do. Hopefully something here will point me in the right direction. I’ll take whatever job I’m lucky enough to get after I graduate. Can you believe apparel studies is a thing?”

Question: “Are you seeing anyone special?”

Who’s Asking It: Your aunt on your dad’s side.Why It’s Asked: Closed-minded family members are worried you’re gay until you get married.What You Should Say: “You know, I’m just so busy with classes that it seems almost impossible to make time for a significant other. I barely have time to make time for myself, let alone some-one else.”What You Really Mean: “It takes too much effort to impress someone of the opposite sex at 8 a.m., and that’s just something I can’t handle on a daily basis. The closest relationship I have right now is with Netflix.”

Question: “What are parties like in college?”

Who’s Asking It: Your 14-year-old cousin who looks up to you.Why It’s Asked: Little ones are curious about everything.What You Should Say: “They’re not like what you see in the movies. People don’t pass out on the roof and get wild until 4 a.m. Don’t believe everything you see.”What You Really Mean: “It’s a rarity for someone to make it to the roof before they pass out. I did see a girl throw up in her own hair at a Halloween party though, and it wasn’t because she ate too much candy.”

Question: “You’re not getting into all those drugs now, right?”

Who’s Asking It: A different uncle on your dad’s side. With a wink.Why It’s Asked: Because they remember college in the 80s. What You Can Say: “I’ve been to parties where there have been drugs around. They way people act while on drugs looks so cra-zy, I don’t know how people do it regularly.”What You Really Mean: “I’ve done drugs at some of those par-ties and I act just as crazy as everyone else. Once, I woke up in our school’s fountain in the middle of campus with no pants. I have no idea how I got there. I actually don’t know how people do it regularly.”

Question: “How are you feeling about the economy? Did you vote in the

midterm election?”

Who’s Asking It: Your Democratic uncle on your dad’s side.Why It’s Asked: Because you are the future.What You Can Say: “I really think our economy needs some help, but Obama is doing the best he can in his position. But no, I did not vote in the midterm election because I felt like I didn’t have enough knowledge on the candidates in my state.”What You Really Mean: “I really hate everything about politics, but I don’t want to go into a four-hour discussion with you on something that I don’t care about.”

Question: “What has been your favorite experience at college so far?”

Who’s Asking It: Your dad.Why It’s Asked: This is a trick question to see what kinds of ac-tivities you’ve been up to.What You Should Say: “Meeting people who share the same interests as me has been great. I love hanging out with people who accept me and who like to do the same things as me.”What You Really Mean: “Meeting people like me who like to party like me and get as drunk as me. That’s been my favorite experience so far.”

Question: “How was the…” *another family member

interrupts you* “What a cock-block, am I right?”

Who’s Asking It: Your 54-year-old uncle on your mom’s side who tries to act like he’s 19.Why It’s Asked: You’re not really sure what just happened here.What You Should Say: “I’m sorry, what were you gonna say?”What You Really Mean: “What… um… I’m sorry, did you just say cock-block to me?”

Question: “Have you found a church at your school?”

Who’s Asking It: Your very conservative grandmother on your mom’s side.Why It’s Asked: If you don’t go to church while in college, ac-cording to your conservative grandmother, you’re going to hell.What You Should Say: “There are lots of churches around cam-pus, but usually I spend my Sunday mornings studying or catch-ing up on some sleep.”What You Really Mean: “I usually rage too hard Saturday night so I physically can’t get out of bed before 1 p.m.”

Question: “How’s that 4.0 coming?”

Who’s Asking It: Your 25-year-old cousin who just graduated from law school.Why It’s Asked: Because it’s actually important to get good grades.What You Should Say: “Oh, it’s going really well. I’m working really hard to keep up the As. One day you’ll be working for me!”What You Really Mean: *Uncontrollable laughter* “You’re kid-ding, right?”

Question: “Are you working at all?”

Who’s Asking It: Your uncle on your mom’s side.Why It’s Asked: Your family wants you to have real-life experi-ences instead of just going to classes.What You Should Say: “School is really my full-time job, and I’m okay with that. I’ve had some jobs here and there to get some spending money, but I definitely need to focus on my school-work more.”What You Really Mean: ”If someone would be willing to hire me for the 90 minutes between me getting home for class and me heading out to hang out with friends, I’d have a job.”

Question: “You better graduate on time! Money doesn’t grow

on trees, you know.”Who’s Asking It: Your grandfather on your dad’s side.Why It’s Asked: You’re making your parents poor, and they keep asking your grandparents for money. He’s pissed about it.What You Should Say: “I definitely know how expensive it is! I love college though. It’s been a great experience and it’s going to be really hard leaving it one day.”What You Really Mean: “I’m literally never going to leave col-lege ever.”

Question: “How are things in that fraternity/sorority of yours?”

Who’s Asking It: Your aunt who was in a sorority during her col-lege years.Why It’s Asked: Greek life was different back in the day, but they don’t realize that.What You Should Say: “It’s great! I’ve met a lot of people through philanthropy parties and mixers and I’ve really enjoyed that aspect of it.”What You Really Mean: “Yes, I’ve met a lot of people but I was drunk 98 percent of the time, so I wouldn’t be able to point them out if they were in this room with us right now.”

THE BACK PAGETHE BACK PAGE

FAMOUS TOMS CROSSWORD

ACROSS:1) Tom Ford is famous for the turnaround of which fashion company?3) Tommy Pickles is a character on which Nickelodeon show?4) Tom Anderson was your first friend on this social networking site.8) Tom Hanks won his first Academy Award for his role in which film?9) THOMAS is a database in the United State Congress of what kind of information?10) The 3rd President of the United States, Thomas who?11) The 4th album by The Who.15) Jean Ralphio’s friend Tom in Parks and Recreation.16) Rotten Tomatoes is a website devoted to what? (two words)18) Tom Arnold is famous for being married to who?19) Tom Cruise’s real last name is this.

DOWN:2) Tom and Jerry is a show based on what two animals?4) Tom Brady played football for which uni-versity?

5) Tom Riddle is which character in Harry Potter?6) Tom Petty's band.7) This Thomas is a famous painter from the 1700s.12) Tom Yorke is the lead singer of this band.13) Perhaps Mark Twain’s most famous char-acter, two words.14) This Thomas invented the light bulb, amongst many other things.17) A popular company, owned by Enten-mann’s, that makes English muffins.

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Grand Valley - Issue 7 - 11/20/2014

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Transcript of Grand Valley - Issue 7 - 11/20/2014