MOTHER GOOSE

A Pantomime By Gary Sullivan 

Paraphernalia Publishing

Mother GooseBy Gary Sullivan

Copyright © 2017 – All Rights Reserved

Application to perform this Play should be made toParaphernalia

Vestry Hall, St Michaels Lane, Braintree, Essex CM7 1EY(01376) 567677

www.paraphernalia.co.ukinfo@paraphernalia.co.uk

CAST OF CHARACTERS  

Addy Nuff – The Narrator – A Fairy of sorts

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Jerimima Strudle – The DameJack Strudle – Jerimima’s SonAlderman Fitznicely – Alderman of ChugmundleyJill Fitznicely – The Alderman’s daughter and in love with JackOphelia Creeps – The baddie land OwnerUriah Creeps – Ophelia’s husband and partner in crime.Grotesquea – The Creeps’ Maid (Mrs Overall type)Hansel Creeps – Son to Ophelia and UriahGretel Creeps – Daughter to Ophelia & Uriah Frilly Drawes – A busy body who wants to marry the AldermanAnalise )Jelica ) Three Sisters all looking fir a husbandLaurie )

Florrie )Grace )Tillie ) Jerimima’s ChildrenRosie )Daisey )

Danglebell – A CowTown Cryer – A bell ringing Town messenger

Ensemble of Townsfolk, Traders and children

ACT ONE   The scene opens upon the courtyard of MOTHER GOOSE’S House. VILLAGERS are milling about, some dealing with local tradesmen/women. Children are skipping, running about a bit and during the opening song everybody in the show at some stage makes an appearance. As the curtain opens we discover a montage picture everyone is still.

00 - MUSIC & BIRD SONG

01 – CHORUS/COMP0ANY UPLIFTING SONG OF CHOICE

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Fully Choreographed routine and song with full company. At the end the stage is clear.A FLASH and ADDY NUFF appears with wand.

02 – ADDY NUFF ENTRY

ADDY NUFF: (Very, very posh – Julian Clarey) Well that’s got things off to a start hasn’t it? Hello, I’m A Fairy, you can tell at a glance – I have a wand.

ADDY NUFF: The trials and tribulations of a Fairy, I tell you, it’s an uphill struggle trying to maintain a level of decorum. Anyway, where were I? Now we all know that you, the audience, boys and girls, girls and boys, you are required to boo and hiss the baddies. Now we all know how to boo, booing is easy, booing is simple. Come on you can all boo.

They will do so

But hissing, hissing isn’t so simple, hold on a minute, not yet, not yet. You’re wasting your own time. Now when I say, everyone hiss. That’s very important. Always a good thing to have a nice big hiss before the start of the show - and then you don’t have to do another till the interval.Oh yes, I can make things happen for the good – I can fend off evil – disrupt bad karma and ….. I am a Tesco Club Card holder. I am here today to keep order and offer story updates as and when required. [Waves wand] Now then, for the past eighteen years I have spent the festive season sitting on top of the Christmas tree but now I am a story teller thank goodness and I can leave all that behind me!

[STING] Yes I know, that don’t come more cheesy than that!

So where are we in all of this? Well, here we are in Chugmundley, a quaint little town somewhere not dissimilar to Witham. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Well Nuff’s been said and nothing’s been done

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It’s time to start the panto fun. Meet Mother Goose and all her neighbours

And the start of this year’s comedy capers.ADDY NUFF has gone Enter JERIMIMA STRUDLE She has an elaborate head dress made of balls of wool and several knitting needles sticking out the top.

03 – JERIMIMAS ENTRY MUSIC

JERIMIMA: Hello…….. Malaties, malaties, malaties, malaties – well that’s the

four malaties out of the way! Let me reproduce myself, my name is Jerimima Strudle and I’m better known as Mother Goose. So what do you think of the dress? It’s my BREXIT DRESS, everyone wants me out of it but when I am they’ll not no know what to do!

03A - [DRUM AND CYMBAL]

‘Ere, you’ll never guess? Three old ladies standing out there waiting to come in and one says to the other, “It’s windy today” and the other one says, “no its not, it’s Thursday” and the third one says, “So am I, lets go and have a cup of tea” … Oh hello, it’s Jack, my son. Jack’s my eldest son. He eats me out of house and home! In fact, I went to the cupboard to make myself a sandwich and all there was left was some tongue. So, I thought I’d make myself a tongue sandwich but I can’t eat anything that comes out of an animal’s mouth so I had a boiled egg! (Possible titter) Talking of eggs, they’re going up! That always surprises the chickens. And the price of food these days – everything’s up by £2 a bottle!

04 – SCREACHING BRAKES & CRASH

JACK: (Enter carrying a black bag) Oh no! Oh no!JERIMIMA: Whatever’s the matter?JACK: Have you ever seen a 6-foot Penguin?JERIMIMA: No!

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JACK: Then I’ve just run over a Nun! Hello Mother. I’m sorry I’m late, I had to go to the opticians.

JERIMIMA: What did he say?JACK: He said I’m colour blind. JERIMIMA: No!JACK: That came as a bolt out of the Orange!JERIMIMA: And look here Jack, all these Boys and

Girls.JACK: Hi Kids. Oh, come on, you can do better

than that. Hi Kids.Hopefully a response but keep going till you get one

JACK: That’s great!JERIMIMA: But look at you, you’re wearing odd socks.JACK: I know. I’ve got another pair just like ‘em

at home!JERIMIMA: You been climbing hills again?JACK: I have and they’re alive!JERIMIMA: Alive?JACK: With the sound of music! (YAWN)JERIMIMA: You look so tired Jack.JACK: I can’t go any further. I’m absolutely

knickered.JERIMIMA: Knackered?JACK: Knickered. My breath’s coming in short

pants. [STING]JERIMIMA: I see you’ve got that bag. That bag,

belonged to your dad.JACK: My dad.JERIMIMA: He was a sailor.JACK: Was he?JERIMIMA: When he went to sea he used that bag

when he went off.JACK: Went off?

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JERIMIA: When he went to sea and saw …JACK: Rode the see saw?JERIMIMA: No, he went to sea and saw a lot!JACK: So, he saw a lot at sea?JERIMIMA: Yes he skippered a big black ship!JACK: Skippered a big black ship?JERIMIMA: Yes, he was the skipper of the Black Dog

and he always took his black bag on the Black Dog when he went to sea

JACK: He took the bag?JERIMIMA: When he skippered the Black Dog to

Bagdad.JACK: He went to Bagdad?JERIMIMA: He skippered the Black Dog all the way to

Bagdad and back..JACK: All the way to Bagdad and backJERIMIMA: And when he went to Bagdad he haggled

an old hag in Bagdad for that bag he did.JACK: Did he?JERIMIMA: He did.JACK Haggled an old hag in Bagdad?JERIMIMA: When they docked in Bagdad.JACK: I’ve never been anywhere.JERIMIMA: Well, you don’t want to go there again.JACK: Why not?JERIMIMA: You never got there the last time you

went!JACK: That’s right!JERIMIMA: So where have you been today Jack? JACK: (Beetle song) I took the “long and winding

road. - That, leads me to your door”JERIMIMA: That’s nice.JACK: It’ll never disappear. - It always leads me

here, leads me to your door. But actually, I’ve been to t’ Job Centre.

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JERIMIMA: T’ Job centre?JACK: And look I found this key.JERIMIMA: I wonder where that comes from.JACK: A great big door.JERIMIMA There aren’t that many great big doors

around here.JACK: Well I’ll tell you what, we’ll hang it over

here because you never know, one day somebody might claim it.

JERIMIMA: Somebody might steal it!JACK: Oh no, no not with my spies sitting out

there keeping an eye on it!JERIMIMA: Mince Pies.JACK: No, kiddy spies. Look, there’s loads of

‘em. Hi Kids.Hopeful response

JACK: I want you to keep an eye on it OK? And if you see anyone, anyone going near it, touching it, attempting to steal it – I want you to shout out my name Jack. Jack Jack you’d better come back!

Get them to do it

JERIMIMA: That’s very good Jack, saves us getting Securicor in!

JACK: Only I’ve got things to do. Off to get half a pound of tupenny rice!

JERIMIMA: Treacle?JACK: No, I ran all the way! [STING]JACK: So, how’s has your day been mother?JERIMIMA: I’ve just shot an elephant in my

underpants, - how he got into my underpants I’ll never know. So you’ve been to the Job Centre? I thought you were going to try for that job in the karaoke bar?

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JACK: Until I found out they didn’t play any 70’s music. So yeah…..(At first, I was afraid, I was petrified)

JERIMIMA: Well, you make sure you don’t fall down on the job again!

[STING]JACK: Last time a man attacked me.JERIMIMA: What!JACK: He didn’t like my altitude! [STING]JERIMIMA: Talking of men up hills and over them, I’ve

been thinking Jack. I’ll have to find a new husband.

JACK: What for!JERIMIMA: No! Just one!” [STING]JACK: But that would be your fourthJERIMIMA: Jack, husbands evade me.JACK: They avoid you! You keep going forth and

multiplying!JERIMIMA: My first husband, your dad, fell into a

huge vat of granulated coffee and was never seen again. It was a terrible way to go but at least it was instant. And of course, my second husband, Uncle Jack, suffered from alcoholic constipation. That’s right, he couldn’t pass a pub. And ohh, ohh… I miss my third one, I used to rub grease all over his back to make him feel better.

JACK: What happened?JERIMIMA: He went downhill fast. But look, there are

some men out there look. Oooo, hello. You’re gorgeous, you’re gorgeous, you’re gorgious…...hello

JACK: Men are in short supply.JERIMIMA: I don’t care how short they are – they just

need to love me.

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JACK: That’s a bit of a tall order!JERIMIMA: I don’t care how tall!JACK: So, they can be short or tall? We might

be able to arrange that – at a stretch!JERIMIMA: Story of my life Jack. All my previous

husbands have neglected me. They only wanted me for one thing.

JACK: They want to get their hands on your …..JERIMIMA: ….fluffy egg whites.JACK: Too much information!JERIMIMA: I’m one big Yoke!JACK: Don’t you mean Joke.JERIMIMA: No, Yoke, I’m Mother Goose. STING]JACK: I’ve just seen Robin Hood - where does he

keeps his arrowsJERIMIMA: In a quiver?JACK: I said where does he keep his arrows?

(Does this all quivery)JERIMIMA: Have you seen my Goosey?JACK: I’d rather not! JERIMIMA: Strudle!JACK: Oh, you mean Strudle the Goose that lays

the golden eggs!JERIMIMA: Yeah, Every morning she drops a big one JACK: I know, and it’s me that has to clear it up! JERIMIMA: But the Golden Eggs keep us all in the

lifestyle to which we have grown accustomed.

JACK: That’s Why Ophelia and Uriah Creeps keep threatening to evict us from our cottage mother. They want to get their hands on your assets!

JERIMIMA: On my Goose!JACK: On your Goose!

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JERIMIMA: On my fluffy little ball of…. duck down.JACK: What?JERIMIMA: Duck down.

JACK ducks

JERIMIMA: Whatever are you doing?JACK: Ducking!

JERIMIMA ducks

JACK: What are you doing?JERIMIMA: Goosing! But I’ll not be percolated

anymore.JACK: You mean persecuted?

TOWNSFOLK enter and burst into song

05 – CHORUS NUMBER OF CURRENT POP SONG WHICH SUITS

JACK: And me and all the townsfolk are right behind you.

JERIMIMA: Oh no they’re not.JACK: Oh yes, they are.JERIMIMA: Oh no they’re not.JACK: (Tapping Right Foot) They are they are

they are they are!JERIMIMA: (Tapping Left Foot) They’re not, they’re

not, they’re not, they’re not. TOWNSFOLK: (Tapping Right Foot) We are We are We

are We areJACK: I’ll tell you one thing we’re not going to do

and that’s crack under the pressure! [STING]

TOWNSFOLK: Boom, Boom!JERIMIMA: But what use is wealth Jack if you’re

lacking in love.Seek sympathy from audience

06 - VIOLINS

JACK: Oh, don’t be sad mum. We all love you. In fact, all these boys and girls, mums and dads, they all love you too.

JERIMIMA: That’s very kind. But lots of dosh is one thing, what I need is a good…

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JACK: … What you need is to be uplifted!JERIMIMA: Why, am I drooping?JACK: In spirit!JERIMIMA: I do not, a drip hasn’t passed my lips!JACK: By a man. JERIMIMA: And no man has touched these lips. My

lips are like a desolate oasis. (Spits feathers) They took one look at me and they were off. And you know why don’t you?

JACK: No, no don’t start on that one.JERIMIMA: It’s no use deluding oneself Jack, I am

Ugly. Ugly, ugly ugly, ugly.There is no response

JERIMINA: We’ll try that again shall we? Because I am Ugly. Ugly, ugly ugly, ugly.

There is no response

JERIMIMA: There see, not a contradiction in the house. Right you out, go on, sling your ‘ook! With friends like you!

The TOWNSFOLK Go

JERIMIMA: Well that’s it. I’m a splinter.JACK: Spinster?JERIMIMA: I’m a prawn in the side of Society!JACK: Thorn, surely?JERIMIMA: I’m like a Jelly with no Woggle.JACK: Wiggle.JERIMIMA: I can’t enter the Chugmundley Beauty

Pageant looking like this!JACK: Beauty Pageant?JERIMIMA: Where all the local available women

parade before the judges in sexy clothing and swimwear.

07 - FANFARE

Enter a TOWN CRYER ringing a bell and reads from a proclamation

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TOWN CRYER: Hear Ye, Hear Ye. The annual Chugmundley Beauty Pageant is fast approaching.

JERIMIMA: Did you hear that Jack?TOWN CRYER: …. and all eligible females of the town are

invited to take part.JERIMIMA: Oh Jack, here’s my chance, win that and

I’m bound to find a new Beau.JACK: Mother, you’ll have to walk along the

catwalk in your most revealing clothes and take part in a swimwear parade.

JERIMIMA: I’ll lose some weight, I’m going on a diet.JACK: Soya Chunks?JERIMIMA: You shouldn’t be looking!JACK: You’d probably do well to avoid that, you’ll

have no way of hiding your Australian Continent.

JERIMIMA: Australian Continent?JACK: Yeah, what you have down under!JERIMIMA: And I’m ugly. (waits for a response) Ugly

Jack, ugly. Read your script!JACK: (Catching up) No, no, no no, no, no.

You’re not ugly. My mum’s not ugly is she boys and girls?

JERIMIMA: Oh yes, I am. JACK: Oh, Oh errm ….Oh no you’re not.JERIMIMA: Oh yes I am.JACK: Oh no you’re not.JERIMIMA: Oh yes I am. The only saving grace being

that I have Strudle.JACK: Well keep taking the tablets like the

doctor ordered and I’m sure that’ll pass.Enter JILL Skipping joyfully She’s a bit daft

08 - MUSIC ACCOMPANIES HER.

JILL: Hello Jack, Hello Jack’s Mum. [SNORT]JACK: Oh heck! It’s Jill, she wants to marry me

but being one of the only eligible

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Batchelors in town I’d like to keep my options open.

JILL: [PAUSE] It’s me! Happy Jill and guess what? I am beauuuuuu..tiful.

JERIMIMA: Delusional?JILL: No, beautiful. And I love Jack and he’s all

mine! And one day we are going to get married!

JERIMIMA: You seem on top of the world.JILL: Yes, Jack’s Mum. Such a feelin's comin'

over me JERIMIMA: Has a familiar ring to it!JILL: There is wonder in 'most ev'ry thing I see

Not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyesAnd I won't be surprised if it's a dream

JERMIMA: [interrupting] Well that’s nice to know but ….

JILL: I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creationAnd the only explanation I can find

JACK: Dumpling!”JILL: Is the love that I've found ever since

you've been aroundYour love's put me at the top of the world.

JERIMIMA: Oh look! The bucket’s empty! Jack, the bucket needs filling!

JILL: Have you missed me Jack?JACK: I’ve been so busyJILL: Yes but in between all of that stuff, have

you missed your little dumpling?JERIMIMA: Jack, pail, water, fetchJACK: (Changing the subject and deliberately

over the top) I suppose you want me to go to the well to fetch some water?

JERIMIMA: Yes, and take Jill with you, but you watch your step Jack.

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JILL: I’ll look after him Jack’s Mum! JERIMIMA: Don’t want you falling over and doing

yourself a mischief, do we?JILL: Don’t you worry about that Jack’s Mum.

I’m a fully qualified First Aider. And I have my First aid kit to hand at all times.

JERIMIMA: (Mrs Brown) That’s nice!JILL: You never know do you? And I’ve got the

thingamywatchamacallits! JERIMIMA: Have you?JILL: Yes I have!JERIMIMA Well what are they?JILL: Thingamebobs and oojarmaflips plus some

watchacallits – erm - Brown paper, vinegar.

JERIMIMA: Yes, well off you go then. JILL: And, Jack’s Mum, you ought to know. JERIMIMA: Later perhaps.JILL: As well as being beautiful, I am very

clever. JERIMIMA: Clever you say?JILL: I don’t forget anything. JERIMIMA: Knock Knock.JILL: Who’s there?JERIMIMA: [Look at audience]JILL: Just kidding! Of course, I know who you

are silly! (A stupid Snort)JERIMIMA: All right, knock knock!JILL: You are not going to get me the second

time.JERIMIMA: Knock KnockJILL: Who’s there?JERIMIMA: [Looks at audience]JACK: Mother, leave her alone.JILL: Hold on, let me, let me. Knock knock.

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JACK: Who’s there?JILL: Interrupting StarfishJACK: Interrupting starfish wh…..

JILL Slaps Starfish hand on JACKS face

JERIMIMA: Knock knock.JILL: Is that you?JERIMIMA: No, it’s meJILL: Who are you?JERIMIMA: [Looks at audience]

JILL Snorts thinking it funny and JERIMIMA gives another look towards the audience.

Go on, off you go! They go

What a palaver! That girl is two legs short of a coffee table. Well boys and girls, I think it’s time to introduce you to my brood, my little chick peas. (Blows whistle)

Out step her other children very much like the Von Trapps’.

09 - CHILDREN ENTRY MUSIC

They march military style and line up ready for inspection. They are a mixture of ages and sizes.

Line up, line up, we have guests. (Indicating audience) These, boys and girls, mums and dads, are my little chick peas. Say Hello.

ALL CHILDREN:Hello.JERIMIMA: Now you might be wondering how come I

have so many children? Well let’s just say I adopt a lot! We live in this cottage. Now my children are so well behaved, I never have to ground them or anything!

FLORRIE: Hello! My name’s Florrie and I’m (Stamping foot) never never sorry

GRACE: Hello! My name’s Grace and I leave my stuff all over the place! (Throws her books to the ground)

TILLIE: My name is Tilly and I think my sisters are silly. (Blows a raspberry)

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ROSIE And I am Rosie, like the flower because I’m beautiful!

All the others blow her a raspberry

DAISY: My name’s Daisy and I’m exceedingly intelligent but I’m insufficiently educated to be able to think of anything I do that rhymes with Daisy.

OTHERS: You’re lazy!JERIMIMA: But there’s one thing my little chick peas

love more than anything else.CHILDREN: Cake!JERIMIMA: School. [Exits]

10 – SCHOOL SONG

JERIMIMA enters.

JERIMIMA: Right your rooms are so un-tidy the mice have packed their bags and are leaving!

FLORRIE: I cleaned my room!JERIMIMA: When?FLORRIE: On my birthday!JERIMIMA: Your birthday is on the 24th JanuaryFLORRIE: And I plan to do it again on my next

birthday!DAISY: Living with my brothers and sisters in such

a confined space seriously interferes with my education Mother, I have little space to store my investigative revision papers.

Enter ALDERMAN FITZNICELY with FRILLY DRAWS The ALDEDRMAN winks now and then for no apparent reason

ALDERMAN: Ah, there you are Jerimima, here she is Frilly. And all your lovely children too.

CHILDREN: Good afternoon Alderman Fitznicely.ALDERMAN: Such polite children.

All the children blow an exaggerated raspberry and exit arguing

ALDERMAN: I am glad I have found you.JERIMIMA: I didn’t know you’d lost me! But it’s nice

to know. Are you looking for a new wife Alderman because if you are I want you to know “I’m Free”.

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FRILLY: As am I, and the Alderman knows it!ALDERMAN: Well, erm, of course, without saying, but…

ermJERIMIMA: It’s alright, I don’t kiss on the first date

either but I can wait!ALDERMAN: Oh, I see, you want to be wooed?JERIMIMA: I’ll be as rude as you like dear!ALDERMAN: …..but here you are, at home.JERIMIMA: And fraught!ALDERMAN: Fraught you’d seen a pussy cat? JERIMIMA: No.ALDERMAN: Fraught between the devil and the deep

blue sea?JERIMIMA: No!ALDERMAN: Fraught between a rock and a hard place!JERIMIMA: No, No, No, No!ALDERMAN: Then what worries you dear lady?JERIMIMA: It’s those two horrible, horrible, horrible,

horrible horrible evil, money grabbing thieving thieving, thieving thieving thieving landowners.

ALDERMAN: Who?JERIMIMA: … horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible

horrible evil, money grabbing thieving thieving, thieving thieving thieving landowners.

ALDERMAN: (Pause) There’s a lot of them, then? I sense tension…

JERIMIMA: Ophelia and Uriah Creeps.ALDERMAN: The Creeps, oh yes, I know the Creeps.

They creep about a lot.JERIMIMA: That’s right, spooky. They own the

cemetery.ALDERMAN: That’s right. They own a lot of Crypts.JERIMIMA: I feel a tongue twister coming on.

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ALDERMAN: The Creeps own Crypts in the cemetery. And they creep about a lot. They creep into the crypt - creepily - turn around and creep out of the crypt again.

JERIMIMA: They are trying to evict us from our cottage!.

ALDERMAN: They have no soul! [STING]JERIMIMA: You can say that again.ALDERMAN: They have no soul. [STING] JERIMIMA: Well what are you going to do about it?ALDERMAN: What did you say?JERIMIMA: I said what are you going to do about it.ALDERMAN: You’ll have to excuse me, ever since I got

out of bed this morning I’ve been hearing things.

JERIMIMA: What did you say:ALDERMAN: Pardon?JERIMIMA: You said “I’ve been hearing things”.ALDERMAN: So have I!JERIMIMA: But Alderman Fitznicely, I need you to

reject their applicationALDERMAN: Ah yes, there are procedures and statutes.FRILLY: And the Alderman knows his statues from

his elbow.11 -PHONE RINGS

JERIMIMA: Hello? Is statue?ALDERMAN: No, statutes madam. JERIMIMA: Sorry, wrong number! Alderman

Fitznicely, you are looking snugALDERMAN: Snug?JERIMIMA: Oh yes, everything fits nicely. ALDERMAN: We have received an application to

change the register regarding ownership of your abode.

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JERIMIMA: Indeed?ALDERMAN: No! Abode.FRILLY: Ownership – forthwith!JERIMIMA: Forthwith, Forthwith, what for?FRILLY: Application – duly signed!JERIMIMA: Well I am not selling, so they can creep

back to where they come from and kiss my aspidistra.

12 - BADDIE ENTRY MUSIC

Enter OPHELIA AND URIAH followed by their unusual and physically challenged maid GROTESQUEA in the style of Mrs Overall. As designed, the BADDIES are bad and the best way to deliver the scene is with a massive dose of over acting which hopefully will encourage lots of booing and hissing

OPHELIA: Oh, there she is Uriah, as I live and breathe.

JERIMIMA: Watch out boys and girls it’s the baddie’sHopefully BOOS and Screams from the audience

OPHELIA: As I live and breathe.JERIMIMA: both at the same time, what an

inconvenience!Hopefully BOOS and Screams from the audience

OPHELIA: Will you be quiet, you’re beginning to irritate me!

ALDERMAN: You want to be careful of the baddie.URIAH: Oi you, watch it!ALDERMAN: She can turn you into a prawn cocktail.

And that’s just for starters. [STING]OPHELIA: And what are all these children doing

here?JERIMIMA: Excuse me, excuse me! These children

have every right to be here!OPHELIA: I cannot abide children, they are an

irritation!JERIMIMA: Why, don’t they come up to scratch?URIAH: We don’t like children!OPHELIA: Grotesquea a note to the Alderman!

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GROTESQUEA: A note? I would looooove to write a note! If I had a pen (pause) or a pencil. I have one here somewhere (delving into a shabby old bag) In this bag. (Lobbing stuff all over the place an endless string of junk)

OPHELIA: Do hurry it along Grotesquea, I haven’t got all day.

GROTESQUEA: Ah, here we are. Here we are, now then, what would you like me to say?

OPHELIA: I don’t want you to say anything Numbskull, Just write down everything I say.

GROTESQUEA: Everything?OPHELIA: Yes, yes, yes. Am I speaking a foreign

language, you wart faced idiot.GROTESQUEA: Yes, yes, yes. Am I speaking a foreign

language, you wart faced idiot.URIAH: My dear, my dear, she hasn’t got all her

sondwiches in the hamper, OPHELIA: Sondwiches?URIAH: You must make allowances.OPHELIA: Sandwiches! I don’t each sandwich!URIAH: But Grotesquea is short of a slice or two, is

all I am saying.OPHELIA: She is a dribbling warthog and whether

she has nibbled her way into her last sandwich or not I simply want her to write down everything I say. For today we make history.

GROTESQUEA: Today we make…OPHELIA: Sandwiches???? GROTESQUEA: Today we make sandwiches for heaven’s

sake!OPHELIA: Dear Aldy! I respectfully request that all

children be banned from pantomimes!GROTESQUEA: …respectfully requests …… banned …..

How deliciously deplorable that sounds.

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That is going to upset the apple amongst the pigeons.

OPHELIA: What? You upset the apple cart and put the cat amongst the pigeon’s nincompoop!

GROTESQUEA: What cat?OPHELIA: Cat?GROTESQUEA: You said there was a cat involved. I recall

no cat, for if there were a cat there would be no pigeons for sure as eggs is eggs.

OPHELIUA: Eggs?GROTESQUEA: Mum’s the word!OPHELIA: My servant has hit the nail on the head.JERIMIMA: Sounds like she has a nail in the head.GROTESQUEA: And no children allowed at pantomimes. URIAH: No Children at pantomime’s!

This should draw some booing we hope

OPHELIA: It was bad enough having to deal with Hansel and Gretel but I soon got rid of those two.

JERIMIMA: Your two-lovely sweet innocent children, whatever has happened to them?

GROTESQUEA: Munching on Gingerbread in the woods.JERIMIMA: At the home of Grizelda the blind witch! I

don’t like the sound of that! You don’t want to go down in the woods today.

OPHELIEA: Tiresome!JERIIMIMA: Coz you’ll never believe your eyes. f you

go down in the woods today.OPHELIEA: Oh what a surprise.JERIMIMA: Oh you can be sure of that - oh yes, be

sure of a big surprise!URIAH: Oh dear, I hear she is partial to children.OPHELIA: They went out for a stroll and never came

back!GROTESQUEA: In the woods. Very, very, very dark

woods. Yes. Never came back. How sad, how saddy waddy baddy!

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OPHELIA: I don’t have time for sentimental clap trap, they went out for a stroll and have yet to return home.

URIAH: So, watch it kiddies, we can soon send you to see the witch in the woods if you don’t shut up!

OPHELIA: Banished and never allowed to frequent our doorstep again.

GROTESQUEA: Banished! Such a lovely word. It has an air of finality to it!

URIAH: So, watch it!OPHELIA: As I live and breathe.GROTESQUEA: Banned…Banished …. Live and breathe. OPHELIA: Isn’t she just wonderful Uriah. A servant

who understands our every whim.13 - BADDIE SONG

ALDERMAN: My dear Madam, I was just speaking to Jerimima here regarding your application to take over this tranquil and idyllic spot in the leafy suburbs of Chugmundley.

URIAH: Get out your stamp and qualify the deeds Mr Alderman!

ALDERMAN: If it were not for Statutes.OPHELIA: What!ALDERMAN: Procedures!FRILLY: Procedures and Statutes.URIAH: It is a prime location and we will pay

handsomely to acquire it!JERIMIMA: It is not for sale! So, sling your ‘ook!OPHELIA: Sling my ‘ook! JERIMIMA: You ‘eard me! Sling your ‘ook, we don’t

want you here do we boys and girls?Hopefully a response

URIAH: How tiresome – name your price.JERIMIMA: 63 million, 457 thousand, 248 pounds and

73 pence.OPHELIA: Don’t be so ridiculous!

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GROTESQUEA: Ridiculous!OPHELIA: I demand a reduction!JERIMIMA: Alright, perhaps I was being a little bit

greedy, OPHELIA Thank you!JERIMIMA: I’ll knock off the 73 pence!ALDERMAN: Very generous, very charitable!FRILLY: Cha-rit-a-ble.OPHELIA: I don’t think so! I don’t think so! You’re

batty!JERIMIMA: Battt! Battyyyyyyy! Do I look batty to

you?OPHELIA: Yes, and what do you call a bat with one I?

Bait! So watch it!GROTESQUEA: What do you call a dog with one I? Dogi!

(Laughs but nobody else does)OPHELIA: What do you call a servant with no brain?URIAH: Stupid!OPHELIA: Stupid, stupid, stupid, stuuuuuupid!JERIMIMA: My cottage is my haven and it’s not for

sale!!OPHELIA: Very well, see if I care, but mark my words

missy! I will squeeze you out – just you wait and see. (To Audience) And you lot can shut up too. Riff Raff! Uriah, look at them, Riff Raff. Come!

URIAH: Yes my sweet. (Going after her) Grotesquea!!

GROTESQUEA: Yes my sweet!URIAJH: We are out of here.

All three Exit with grotesque flamboyance. Enter the Three Sisters JELICA, ANALISE, and LAURIE

JELICA: Alderman Fitznicely, Alderman Fitznicely, my sisters and I come on a very important matter.

ALDERMAN: I am at your disposal ladies, what can I do for you?

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ANALISE: We are wanting to seek your guidance.LAURIE: … as to the proper terms of engagement

when embarking upon a journey of matrimooooonial procurement.

ALDERMAN: Matrimoooooonial Procurement.ALL THREE: Matrimonial Procuuuuuuurement. ANALISE: Indeed, for we are of age are we not to

make ourselves available to those of the male gender seeking a female for the benefit of

ALL THREE: …… marriage.ALDERMAN: It is without question.LAURIE: My sisters and I believe we are a goodALL THREE: …. catch, LAURIE: and with unquestionable educations would

make any man a happyALL THREE: ….. husband.ALDERMAN: Indeed, that would be the case if we were

a region bursting with men eager to marry.

FRILLY: Men are in short supply, for we are a region full of women and very few men.

ALDERMAN: Indeed.ALL THREE GIRLS: Well if there are any men out there

we have a message for them14 – SONG FOR THE GIRLS

FRILLY: Chugmundley is known for its lack of men as well I know it. I have sought the hand of the Alderman this past six years since his wife passed over.

JERIMIMA: Oh, I didn’t know the Alderman’s wife had passed over!

ALDERMAN: She went to meet the butcher.JERIMIMA: That’s offal. (Laughs) Offal, did you …

forget it. And my luck with men is historically known. One look at me and they’re off without a bye your leave.

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ALDERMAN: You have a look that would flutter the hearts of men regardless ….

JERIMIMA: Yet they have fluttered and flown…regardless. Regardless of what?

ALDERMAN: (Not wishing to say) It is time we left Frilly dear, pressing matters at the town hall are calling.

JERIMIMA: Regardless of my looks, regardless of this crusty old spinster look?

ALDERMAN: Notations to be noted, procedures to be pondered, must dash.

FRILLY: Toodle Pip.The ALDERMAN and FRILLY leave.

JERIMIMA: ‘Ere listen, I’ve got things to do. Got to find myself a new husband! [Exits]

ALL THREE GIRLS: And so have we.ANALISE: Of course, being the most beautiful, a man

is going to want to marry me as soon as he sets eyes on me.

LAURIE: If he is not already head over heels in love with me.

JELICA: Or so mesmerised by my beauty he doesn’t even see you!

The girls exit bickeringly

15 - MUSIC FOR ENTRY

ADDY NUFF enters

ADDY NUFF: Are you keeping up? Well what do you think of all that then? Mother Goose; about to lose her hoose! And her Goose. Mind, I reckon she’ll put up a good fight trying to keep it, don’t you? What with all those children of hers! So, where are we? Ophelia and Uriah Creeps have lodged an application to take over the cottage where Mother Goose lives, Jack has gone up the Hill with Jill to fetch a pail of water and the Alderman is a stickler for his statues. Mind, he is blissfully unaware of Frilly Draws intentions and all the young ladies of the town are desperate to find

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husbands even though there is a drastic lacking in men sadly, I sympathise for I know exactly how they feel! [Exits]

16 - CREEPY TRACK

HANSEL: The coast is clear.GRETEL: And what about mother and father?

HanselHANSEL, Gretel, we must find them. They must be

very worried and think we are lost!GRETEL: They will be devastated!HANSEL: They must be beside themselves with

uncontrollable anxiety and demoralising depression.

GRETEL: We have been lost for five weeks Hansel, HANSEL: Indeed. That we were tricked into that old

cottage by the stupid blind witch.GRETEL: And then she locked you in that cage and

force fed you with genetically enhanced cereal bars to make you fat! Had she no respect for the diligent care we have taken with our diets!

HANSEL: But there was no way I was getting in to that oven, no way!

GRETEL: Well, we are home now and won’t our parents be so delighted we are found?

Enter OPHELIA, URIAH and GROTESQUEA – all equally shocked and taken aback with pantomime effect.

OPHELIA: Gawd! What are you doing here?HANSEL: We live here mother!GRETEL: (Runs to OPHELIA and embraces her)

Mother, we are back!OPHELIA: Let me go, you are sticky!HANSEL: You must be elated at our return.OPHELIA: I am suffocated by the joy! GRETEL: I have missed you mother dear.OPHELIA: Don’t be so ridiculously sentimental.Gretel: Your cooking.

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OPHELIA: I never cook!GRETEL: That’s why I have missed it for so long.

And the bed time stories.OPHELIA: I am beginning to feel nausea coming on!HANSEL: Are you sick Mother?OPHELIA: Perceptive boy. Yes, I am sick! Of you!

Grotesquea! Take them to the chambers and be sure to lock the door – we don’t want any wicked old witches coming back to lure them away!

HANSEL: You need not fret another moment mother, we have escaped the evil clutches of Grizelda the blind witch who lives in the woods.

OPHELIA: Grizelda, my beautiful blind sister? What do you mean escaped? I thought you were having a little family reunion time.

GRETEL: She had locked Hansel in a cage and was feeding him cereal bars.

OPHELIA: Yuk.URIAH: The genetically modified ones?HANSEL: Yes.URIAH: Yuk!OPHELIA: Enough of this, Grotesquea, take my two

children to the tower and throw away the key!

HANSEL: Throw away the key?OPHELIA: Of course, dear boy, I need to make sure

you do not venture into the woods ever again, you had me distraught with fear and anguished tears.

GROTESQUEA: Right, follow me, do as mummy says.GRETEL: But mother, isn’t the tower where you put

all your unwanted Christmas presents?OPHELIA: Stuff I don’t need, yes. So you’ll have

plenty to play with!GROTESQUEA escorts HANSEL and GRETL off

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URIAH: I’ve been meaning to ask ever since we stepped out into this exceptional Christmas extravaganza, and talking of keys….but have you noticed that key hanging over there?

OPHELIA: We haven’t got time for rusty old keys Uriah! We have more important matters to hand!

URIAH: Indeed - So my love, what are we going to do to obtain the old boot’s cottage?

OPHELIA: We don’t want the old boots cottage Uriah, we want to grab her Goose.

URIAH: And I would like to grab yours my sweet.OPHELIA: The Goose that lays the golden eggs twit

head!URIAH: Ah, the Goose. A very cunning plan my

love. For if we evict her from her cottage where will her Goose take root? Now let me return to the subject of the key. (He goes towards it)

Hopefully we get loads of screams - Enter JACK followed by JILL. JACK’S head is bound in brown paper.

JACK: Hi Kids! Is somebody attempting to steal that key?

JILL: Make way, make way, injured Jack needs to rest.

OPHELIA: Goodness me, we are in the middle of an episode of Holby City! (Aside to URIAH) it’s the old boot’s son. We can use him to win our way into the heart of the Goose woman. (Putting it on a bit) What have you done dear boy?

JACK: Don’t ask!She doesn’t

JACK: Alright, I’ll tell you. I was half way up the hill …

JILL: Half way up.JACK: You see, when I was up I was up and when

I was down I was down

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JILL But when he was only half way up he was neither up nor …

URIAH: … have you gone completely nuts!OPHELIA: Uriah, Uriah, a little sympathy. Our friend

has bumped his pweety little heady weddy.

JACK and JILL are somewhat puzzled by the childish intonation in her voice

URIAH: Have you hurt yourself young man?JACK: I broke my crown but I’m mended now.JILL: Yes, happened to have my emergency

repair kit with me.JACK: So, Jill has bound my crown with vinegar

and brown paper.OPHELIA: Whooppee Dee.

Enter JERIMIMA she goes into panic mode as soon as she sees JACK

JERIMIMA: Oh no! What’s happened! What’s happened?

JILL: Well, Jack and I went up the hill …. We were some way up …

JACK: Half way up.JILL: When Jack stumbled and fell and broke his

crown. It was quite funny because I was in

another world …JERIMIMA: No???JILL: …completely and didn’t see him fall so I

tripped over and came tumbling down behind him. But..

JACK: She had her first aid kit…JERIMIMA: As if it isn’t enough I’m ugly I’ve got a

halfwit son as well.URIAH: Ugly? I wouldn’t say you were Ugly.JERIMIMA: So, what would you say?URIAH: You are an acquired taste!JERIMIMA: I’ve gone all funny now and I’m perspiring.

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OPHELIA: Like a horse!URIAH: Do you need a squirt under the arms?JERIMIMA: The way I’m fixed I’ll take anyone you’ve

got! But some deodorant wouldn’t go a miss.

URIAH: How does it go?JERIMIMA: Shhhhhhhhh!OPHELIA: Don’t mention the word deodorant.JERIMIMA: Sure. Mum’s the word![STING]JACK: Anyway, I’ve got to get off!JERIMIMA: When did you get on?JACK: I’ve got to go and play football.JERIMIMA: He’s very good you know, I was watching

him play against the Japanese last week and when the match was over they started doing martial arts so I said to the referee, what’s going on? And he said oh they are just into 2 minutes of Ninjary time.

OPHELIA: Oh no, not all that again.JERIMIMA: A-lad-a-din, No, this is Mother Goose. We

did A-lad-a-din a few years back. URIAH: I was the thief.JERIMIMA: Nothing’s changed there then!URIAH: I was the thief of Bagdad.JERIMIMA: You were the thief of Bagdad?URIAH: Yes, I went ti Bagdad on a big black Ship

called the Black DogJERIMIMA: My husband had an old bag that he

haggled from an old hag in Bagdad he didURIAH: Did he?JERIMIMA: He did. URIAH: My mother was an old hag in Bagtdad and

she sold bags in Bagdad! She also sold old lamps

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JERIMIMA: Now, do you have a magic lamp that can turn me into a beautiful goddess?

OPHELIA: We asked you to name your price, not demand the impossible!

JERIMIMA: So, what can I do for you?OPHELIA: Can one not visit one’s neighbours to

foster good relations?JERIMIMA: Preferably not! URIAH: One likes to try doesn’t one?JERIMIMA: Really, are you one?URIAH: I am one of those. JERIMIMA: Are you?URIAH: I am a member of the aristicracy.OPHELIAl Aristocracy!JERIMIMA: Harry who?URIAH: Oh yes, I’ve got blue blood running

through my veins.JERIMIMA: I bet the Smurffs will be pleased to hear

that!URIAH: Are you one?JERIMIMA: Oi! Watch it!URIAH: I see what you mean about her look my

love. She has an expression of melancholy about her.

OPHELIA: She lacks good looks there is no mistaking it.

URIAH: Unlike you my love, and your elixir of life.OPHELIA: Speak not of my elixir!URIAH: Oops, sorry!JERIMIMA: What is that?OPHELIA: Oh, nothing. Nothing you need concern

yourself over.JERIMIMA: Does it have to do with what I think it

does?OPJHELIA: What do you think it does?

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JERIMIMA: It is a secret potion isn’t it?OPHELIA: Oh, go on then, you’ve dragged it out of

me. URIAH: Say no more my sweet, you know how

valuable it is. And it should remain a secret.

JERIMIMA:: Hold on a minute I want to know more.OPHELIA: It’s no use Uriah, the secret is out! The

world now knows the influence of my good looks.

URIAH: And it does you wonders my love. One would never know your real age.

OPELIA: Speak not of my age in front of this aging haggard housewife.

JERIMIMA: (Looking about) Whose that then?OPHELIA: You know why I’m here don’t you?JERIMIMA: No.URIAH: We are here because we have come to

collect what is rightfully ours.JERIMIMA: Yours?OPHELIA: Ours. This picturesque and beautiful niche JERIMIMA: But this is my picturesque and beautiful

niche.URIAH: Then why ruin it with your ugly face my

dear?JERIMIMA: What! What!!!!!JACK: You cannot say that about my mum, she

can’t help it. The years have been hard on her.

OPHELIA: Well I can see they’ve been hard on her face. It’s a shame she doesn’t use the same rejuvenating face cream that I do.

17 - DING!

JERIMIMA: Rejuvenating ice cream?OPHELIA: Rejuvenating, yes…and as you can see it’s

working a treat.JERIMIMA: It’s working a miracle!

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OPHELIA: It’s a little remedy I came upon many years ago, how do you think I keep my good looks.

JERIMIMA: By having a very self-inflated ego. …OPHELIA: … and enough stock of the cream to keep

me youthful well into my nineties.JERIMIMA: Where can I get some?OPHELIA: It’s unobtainable since I purchased the

entire department stores stocks. JACK: How did you manage that?OPHELIA: It’s easy, I’m greedy so I bought the lot!JERIMIMA:: I know a song about that

18 – ITS EASY

JERIMIMA: Blimey, that was hard workOPHELIA: And I hear there is a beauty Pageant

coming this very way. Well you’ll be the laughing stock of Chugmundley won’t you.

JERIMIMA: I’ll have you know I was sought after when I was younger.

URIAH: I thought I saw you on some wanted posters? A ha, a ha, a ha, aha

JERIMIMA: I’ve been married four times.URIAH: Goodness me, were they stupid as well as

blind!?JERIMIMA: Yes, four richer, four poorer, four better,

four worse.JACK: Here you leave my mum alone you, you

…..JILL: Watchmacallitthingamebob!OPHELIA: What did you call me!! I’ll have you know

I am a fashion iconJERIMIMA: Well Im a Fashion Acorn.URIGH: Acorn?JERIMIMA: Yes, Antique! You plant me in the ground

and see what you get. Surely you can spare a few tubs of your rejuvenating cream for a neighbour.

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URIAH: How many do you require?OPHELIA: And how much are you prepared to pay for

it?JACK: Mother, watch out, it’s a trick. I may have

a bump on the head but I’m not stupid.OPHELIA: A bump on the head isn’t going to change

that! How much? Let me do some calculations. (Does so on an extremely large calculator handed to her by GROTESQUEA) I’ll take the Goose!

JERIMIMA: Strudle.OPHELIA: No thank you I’m on a diet.JERIMIMA: Not, Strudle. My Goose. Strudle is not, is

not is not for sale! (Tapping OPHELIA on each NOT)

URIAH: Come, Ophelia, we are wasting our time here.

OPHELIA: Yes. (Tapping JERIMIMA in the same way) We’re off, we’re off, we’re off, we’re off!

JERIMIMA: Wait a bit, wait a minute. Wait a bit! This cream, how long does it take before I’ll see results? Will I be ready for the Pageant?

OPHELIA: What year does it take place? Ah Ha, Ah Ha, Ah Ha!

JERIMIMA: It’s very soon, in a few (Mimicking OPHELIAS LAUGH) da Hays, da Hays, da Hays da Hays time!

OPHELIA: It could take minutes, it could take hours, it could take days, weeks, months or even years - That is a risk you’ll have to take.

JACK: Don’t do it Mother. Boys and girls, what do you think should she sell Strudle to the Creeps for a few jars of face cream or should she remain ugly?

Undoubtable, this will raise various responses but in the end, it’s down to JERIMIMA

JERIMIMA: Shall I shan’t I shall I shan’t I sell my little duck?

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With appropriate foot step routine

OTHERS: Will she won’t she, will she wont sheBuy cream that is muck!

19 – BIGT CHORUS CLOSE TO END OF ACT ONE

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PROPSFAIRY WAND ADDY NUFFKNITS WIG JERIMIMABLACK BAG JACKBIG KEY JACKFOAM KEY JACKPROCLOMATION TOWN CRYERBUCKET JERIMIMAWHISTLE JERIMIMABOOKS TILLIEBIG PENCIL AND PAD GROTESQUEAOPHELIAS CANE OPHELIAURIAHS CANE URIAHTRAY OF TE THINGS GROTESQUEAMILK JUG GROTESQUEAPLATE OF BOURBONS GROTESQUEA2 LARGE POTATOE BAGS RIGGEDWATER PISTOL JERIMIMAREJEV FACE CREAM GROTESQUEA4 PLATES OF ICE CREAM 1 JERIMIMA & 3 JACKFACE WIPES JERIMIMASONG WORDS BANNER ADDY NUFFHAND MIRROR ADDY NUFF6 STORE CARDS (10) ENSEMBLE MEMBERS

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