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GOOD MANNERS;

mraal of

IN

GOOD SOCIETY.

Good mannerj! are jieroeXuaUetter"Mtrcomfeendatory."Manners make t^rfe-a^/ " ' ,"

i " a

1 "" " " " " 9 O

PHILADELPHIA :PORTER " COATES,

82?. CHESTNUT STREET.

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"PN

Entered, acoci'ding to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by

PORTER AND COATES,

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States,in and for the Eastern D'strirt c f Pennsylvania.

HEARS " DUSENBERY, STEREOTYPERS.

""".?*?7"/.c" v"wru "?***$?

: \ "/ .: 1

c (I I

I c "

I'

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PREFACE.

HEREWITH the author aspires to meet a socialrequirement of long standing ; namely, a workof genuine authority on all points of etiquette,ceremonial, and manners. Many books pro-essing

to treat of these subjects have from timoto time been written, published, circulated ; butthese books have abounded in errors, indicatedan inferior standard of taste, and been writtenby incompetent persons.

It is not difficult to divine the reason whysuch manuals have failed to^ fulfil their object.A standard work on manners must necessarilyproceed from the pen of one who moves in thebest circles : but then such persons are for themost part ignorant of the wants of those whooccupy a lower position in the social scale;inaccessible to publishers ; and, if given in adilettante way to literary pursuits, turn natur-

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M125528

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IV PREFACE.

ally to the composition of novels, books oftravel, or political treatises. Few, also, wouldcare to write upon so trite a subject, if eventhe desirabilityof the work were brought undertheir notice ; and this chiefly, perhaps, becausean unmerited ridicule has hitherto attached tobooks of etiquette. People purchase themwith an uneasy sense of shame, read them subrosa, and keep them out of sight. In the sameway young persons of both sexes are invariablyashamed when learning to dance. In all thisthere is more false pride than real bashfulness.People are, in truth, annoyed at having to betaught these minor accomplishments, and " nomatter how young they may be, in what seclusionthey may have lived, under what early disadvan-agesthey may have labored" would fain have itbelieved that no social nicety, no fine point ofetiquette, no grace of bearing, is other thanfamiliar and natural to them.

No pride can well be more mistaken ; novanity more utterly misplaced. Etiquette isnot innate. A modest man is unobtrusive ; agood-natured man is obliging ; a feeling man is

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PREFACE. V

considerate ; and in so far as unobtrusiveness^amiability, and tact are the very foundations'of good manners, such persons may be said tobe naturally well-bred. But not even a saintcould, from his "inner consciousness '; alone,evolve a conception of the thousand and onesocial observances of modern fashionable life.

A knowledge of those social observances isabsolutely indispensable for all who aspire tolive in society ; and it is acknowledged thatcannot be expected, like " reading and writing"(as Dogberry has it), to "come by nature."By the children of wealthy parents much ofwhat is set forth in the following pages is in-ensibl

acquired from earliest infancy ; buteven persons so bred and born may well findthemselves uncertain now and then upon apoint of ceremonial.

To these and all" to the cr"ne de la cr"me as

well as to the great body of the middle classpublic, this manual professes to be alike usefuland necessary. Applied to by the publishersfor a work on Good Society, and convinced ofthe great importance of the subject, the Author

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Tl PREFACE.

has not only endeavored to the best of herability to treat of it under all its aspects

;to

omit no point, however trivial ; to provide herreaders with a faithful and judicious guide in

every social emergency ; but she has approachedher task with the sincerest desire to be useful

to others and to perform her part in the promo-ionof that great educational movement which

is even now engaging the sympathies and

prompting the generous labors of so many wiseand noble thinkers.

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CONTENTS.

PA01

CHAPTER I.

ON GOOD MANNERS IN GENERAL ... 1

CHAPTER II.

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION " CARDS AD-RESSES

17

CHAPTER III.

VISITING " CALLS 23

CHAPTER IV.

CONVERSATION " " . " 31

CHAPTER V.

LETTER-WRITING " INVITATIONS .... 44

(vii)

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Vlll CONTENTS.

PAQBCHAPTER VI.

THE LADY'S TOILET 54

CHAPTER VII.

THE GENTLEMAN'S TOILET 64

CHAPTER VIII.

RIDING AND DRIVING " THE PROMENADE . 70

CHAPTER IX.

MORNING AND EVENING PARTIES .... 81

CHAPTER X.

THE BALL 93

CHAPTER XI.

TABLE ETIQUETTE DINNER PARTIES . . .103

CHAPTER XII.

ENGAGEMENT AND MARRIAGE 129

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CONTENTS. IX

PAGECHAPTER XIIL

VISITING AT A COUNTRY HOUSE 137

CHAPTER XIV.

HINTS ON CARVING 142

CHAPTER XV.

TRAVELLING 149

CHAPTER XVI.

ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH 151

CHAPTER XVII.

PLACES C7 AMUSEMENT 153

CHAPTER XVIII.

THE ARRANGEMENT OF A LADY*S HOUSE, ANDMANAGEMENT OF SERVANTS

.156

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X CONTENTS.

PAG!CHAPTER XIX.

WINE AT TABLE 162

CHAPTER XX.

GENERAL HINTS TO BOTH SEXES....

171

CHAPTER XXI.

WASHINGTON'S u RULES OF CIVILITY". . .

183

CHAPTER XXII.

FRANKLIN'S " RULES OF CONDUCT". . .

190

CHAPTER XXIII.

CHESTERFIELD'S SENTENCES AND MAXIMS 192

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GOOD MANNERS.

CHAPTER I.

On Good Manners in General.

WHAT is Good Society ? What constitutesGood Manners? How happens it that theelegance of one age becomes the vulgarity of thenext? From immemorial time the human familyhas been divided into two sections

"the Polite

and the Vulgar. Whence arose that broad dis-inction?What

wasthe primitive definitionof Politeness? Who first discovered the possi-ilities

of Vulgarity ? How may both be resolvedinto their first elements? These are questionswhich have of late engaged the serious attentionof the learned. They are questions by no meanstrivial " by no means unessential to the studentof history. We might even go farther than this,and say that neither the history of mankind ingeneral, nor the history of any one nation inparticular, can be duly understood and appre-iated

without a much fuller knowledge of the

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2 GOOD MANNERS.

rise and progress of manners and customs thanhas hitherto been deemed necessary either byhistorians or students.

It would seem that good manners were origin-llythe mere expression of submission from

the weaker to the stronger. In a rude state ofsociety every salutation is to this day an act ofworship. Hence the commonest acts, phrases,and signs of courtesy with which we are nowfamiliar, date from those earlier stages of ourlife as a nation when the strong hand ruled,and the inferior demonstrated his allegiance bystudied servility. Let us take for example thewords " Sir" and " Madam." *' Sir," once inuse among equals, but now only proper on thelips of inferiors, is derived from Seigneur, SieurSire, and originally meant Lord, King, Ruler,and, in its patriarchal sense, Father. The titleof Sire was last borne by some of the ancientfeudal families of France who, as Selden hassaid, "affected rather to be styled by the nameof Sire than Baron, as Le Sire de Montmorenciand the like."

Madam, or Madame, corrupted by our servantsinto "Ma'am," and by Mrs. Gamp and hertribe into "Mum," is in substance equivalentto " Your exalted," or " Your Highness" -MaDame originally meaning high-born or stately,and being applied only to ladies of the highestrank.

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ON GOOD MANNERS IN GENERAL. 3

To turn to our every-day forms of salutation,We take off our hats on meeting an acquaint-nce.We bow on being introduced to strangersWe rise when visitors enter our drawing-room.We wave our hand to our friend as he passesthe window, or drives away from our door. TheOriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on thethreshold when he pays a visit. The nativesof the Tonga Islands kiss the soles of a chief-ain's

feet. The Siberian peasant grovels in thedust before a Russian noble. Each of these actshas a primary, an historical significance. Thevery word '' salutation," in the first place, de-ived

as it is from salutatio, the daily homagepaid by a Roman client to his patron, suggestsin itself a history of manners. To bare thehead was originally an act of submission togods and rulers. A bow is a modified prostra-ion.

A lady's courtesy is a modified genu-lection.Rising and standing are acts of

homage; and when we wave our hand to thefriend on the opposite side of the street, we areunconsciously imitating the Romans who, asSelden tells us, used to stand "somewhat offbefore the Images of their Gods, solemnlymoving the right hand to the lips and castingit,as if they had cast kisses."

Again, men remove the glove when theyshake hands with a lady " a custom evidentlyof feudal origin. The knight removed his iron

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i GOOD MANNERS.

gauntlet, the pressure of which would havebeen all too harsh for the palm of a fair chate-aine,

and the custom which began in necessityhas travelled down to us as a point of etiquette.

How are we to define that unmistakablesomething, as subtle as an essence, that makesa gentleman or a gentlewoman? May goodbreeding be acquired as an art? and if so. whereare we to seek the best professors ? Who does notwish to give his children, above all other accom-lishments,

that inestimable branch of educa-ion,the Manners of Good Society? What ia

learning, what are abilities, what are personalattractions, what is wealth, without this onesupreme essential? A man may know as manylanguages as Mezzofanti, may have made scien-ific

discoveries greater than tho*e of Herschel orDarwin, may be as rich as a Rothschild, as braveas a Napier, yet if he has a habit of hesitatingover his words, or twisting his limbs, of twid-ling

his thumbs, of laughing boisterously, ofdoing or saying awkward trifles,of what accountis he in socioty? So likewise of a woman.Though she were fair as Helen, skilled in allmodern accomplishments, well-dressed, good-natured, generous, yet if her voice were over-loud, or her manner too confident; above all,if she were to put her knife in her mouth atdinner; who would think of her beauty, or her

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accomplishments, or her fine clothes? Whowould invite her? Who would tolerate her?

But we would by no means be understood tosay that these mere outward observances con-titute

the essence of good manners. Neithergestures, nor tones, nor habits, can be acceptedas infallible signs of good or ill breeding. Thumb-twiddling, and lolling, and knife-swallowing,are terrible habits enough, and would be, ofcourse, sufficient to exclude any man or womanwho practised them from the precincts of goodsociety ; not only because they are in themselvesoffensive, but because they would point to fore-one

associations of a vulgar kind ; but theydo not of necessity prove that the primary essen-ials

of good manners " the foundation, so tospeak, upon which the edifice of good mannersshould be built " is wanting in those unfortunatepersons who are guilty of the offences in ques-ion.

That foundation, that primary essential,is goodness " innate goodness, innate gentle-ess,

innate unselfishness. Upon these quali-ies,and these alone, are based all those ob-ervance

and customs which we class togetherunder the head of Good Manners. And thesegood manners, be it remembered, do not merelyconsist in the art of bowing gracefully, of en-ering

a room well, of talking easily, of beingau courant with all the minor habits of the bestsociety. A man may have all this, know all

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6 GOOD MANNERS.

this, and yet, if he be selfish,or ill-natured,oruntruthful, fail altogether of being a true gentle-an.Good manners are far,indeed, from beingthe outward evidences of mere training and dis-cipline. They are, au fond, the kindly fruitsof a refined nature. As just and elevatedthoughts expressed in choice language are theindex of a highly trained and well-regulatedmind, so does every act, however unimportant,and every gesture, however insignificant,revealthe kindly, considerate, modest, loyal nature ofthe true gentleman and the true lady. Hearwhat Ruskin has to say of the characteristicsof the true gentleman : "

" A gentleman's first characteristic is thatfineness of structure in the body which rendersit capable of the most delicate sensation, andof that structure in the mind ichich renders itcapable of the most delicate sympathies " onemay say, simply, 'fineness of nature.' This is,of course, compatible with heroic bodily strengthand mental firmness ; in fact,heroic strength isnot conceivable without ruch delicacy. Elephan-ine

strength may drive its way through a forest,and feel no touch of the boughs ; but the whiteskin of Homer's Atrides would have felt a bentrose-leaf, yet subdue its feelings in glow ofbattle, and behave itself like iron. 1 do notmean to call an elephant a vulgar animal : butif you think about him carefully,you will find

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GOOD MANNERS.

the touchstone of genuine breeding. To listenwith patience, however prosy our entertainermay he ; to smile at the thrice-told jest ; to yieldthe best seat, or the choicest dish, or the mostamusing volume, are acts, not of mere civility,but of kindness and unselfishness. So of everyother prescribed rule of social conduct " so ofthat abstinence from interruption or contradic-ion

in conversation ; of that suppression of ayawn ; of that cheerful countenance concealinginward anxiety or weariness; of those perpetualendeavors to please and to seem pleased, whichend by becoming a second nature to the reallywell bred person. Analyze each one of theseacts, and it resolves itself into a concessiontowards the feelings, the vanity, or the comfortof others. Its essence is unselfishness. Itsanimating spirit is forbearance. The proposi-ion

is demonstrable by a process of reversal.If goodness be the parent of politeness, is notbadness the parent of vulgarity? Is not badtemper vulgar ? Is not selfishness vulgar? Isnot scandal vulgar? Are not greediness, egotism,inquisitiveness, prevarication, lying, and dis-onesty,

one and all,utterly vulgar ? In a word,it not vice vulgar?

If, then, we desire that our children shallbecome ladies and gentlemen, can we make themso, think you, by lavishing money upon foreignprofessors, dancing masters, continental tours,

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tailors,and dressmakers? Ah, no! good breed-ngis far less costly, and begins far earlier than

those things. Let our little ones be nurtured inan atmosphere of gentleness and kindness fromthe nursery upwards; let them grow up in ahome where a rude gesture or an ill-temperedword are alike unknown ; where between fatherand mother, master and servant, mistress andmaid, friend and friend, parent and child, pre-ails

the law of truth, of kindness, of conside-ationfor others, and forgetfulness of self.

Can they carry into the world, whither we sendthem later, aught of coarseness, of untruthful-ness, of slatternliness, of vulgarity, if theirhome has been orderly, if their parents havebeen refined, their servants well-mannered, theirfriends and playmates kind and carefully trainedas themselves? Do we want our boys to succeedin the world ; our girls to be admired and loved ;their tastes to be elegant ; their language choice;their manners simple, charming, graceful ; theirfriendships elevating? " then we must ourselvesbe what we would have our children to be, ro-membering the golden maxim, that good man-ers,

like charity, must begin at home.Good manners are an immense social force.

We should therefore spare no pains to teach ourchildren what to do, and what to avoid doing,in their pathway through life. " When we re-lect,"

says Emerson, "how manners recom

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10 GOOD MANNERS.

mend, prepare, and draw people together; how,in all clubs, manners make the members; howmanners make the fortune of the ambitiousyouth ; that, for the most part, his mannersmarry him, and, for the most part, he marriesmanners; when we think what keys they are,and to what secrets; what high lessons andinspiring tokens of character they convey; andwhat divination is required in us for the readingof this fine telegraph, we see what range thesubject has, and what relations to convenience,form, and beauty." Again the same writersays, " The maxim of courts is power. A calmand resolute bearing, a polished speech, an em-ellishment

of trifles, and the art of hidingall uncomfortable feelings, are essential to thecourtier Manners impress, as they indi-ate

real power. A man who is sure of h'spoint carries a broad and contented expression,which everybody reads ; and you cannot rightlytrain to an air and manner, except by makinghim the kind of man of whom that manner isthe natural expression. Nature for ever putsa premium on reality.''

On utilitarian, as well as social principles, weshould try to instruct our children in goodmanners ; for whether we wish them to succeedin the world or to adorn society, the point isequally important. We must never lose sightof the fact, thaf here teachers and professors

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can do little, and that the only way in which itis possible to acquire the habits of good societyis to live in no other. "A blockhead makes ablockhead his companion," says the writer lastquoted ; and so will a little leaven of vulgarityleaven the whole social lump. No habit is soeasily acquired as a habit of awkward gesticu-ation

; no slovenliness so insidious as that ofincorrect speech. lie who wishes to be a gen-leman

must associate only with those whosetastes and habits are gentlemanly, and whoselanguage is refined.

Manner is only to be defined by a series ofnegations. The well-bred person has no man-er.

The well-bred person is distinguished fromthe ill-bred person, not by Avhat he does, but bywhat he leaves undone. The well-bred personjust differs from the ill-bred person in that heknows what he ought not to do. The very hostbreeding consists chiefly in the utmost unobtru-siveness. To be well-bred and well-mannered.in short, is to keep down the e"/o upon everyoccasion ; to control every expression of strongfeeling; to be of noiseless bearing and gentlespeech: to abstain from all that may hurt thefeelings or prejudices of others; to make sma 1sacrifices without seeming to make them ; in aword, to remember that in society one lives forOthers and not for oneself'.

But politeness is not like a robe of state, to

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12 GOOD MANNERS.

be worn only upon occasions of ceremony. Inno place do the laws of etiquette bear more gra-ifying results than in the home circle, where,stripped of their mere formality, tempered withlove, and fostered by all kindly impulses, theyimprove the character and bear their choicestfruits. A true gentlewoman will show as muchcourtesy, and observe all the little duties of po-iteness

as unfailingly, towards her parents,husband, and family as towards the greateststrangers. A true gentleman will never forgetthat if he is bound to exercise courtesy andkindness in his intercourse with the world, heis doubly bound to do so in his intercourse withthose who depend upon him lor advice, protec-ion,

and example.Etiquette may be denned as the minor morality

of iife. N"" observances, however minute, thaf.tend to spare the feelings of others, can beclassed under the head of trivialities ; and po-iteness

which is but another name for generalamiability, will oil the creaking wheels of lifemore effectually than any of those unguentssupplied by mere wealth or station.

"* Pour etre veritablement poli.il faut etre ala lois bon, juste, et genereux," has been wellsa'd by a modern French writer; and this is

" "

true, despite she fact that extremely severe codesof etiquette have often prevailed in the mostvicious and dissolute courts. Most of the Ten

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ON GOOD MANNERS IN GENERAL- 13

Commandments were habitually violated by thecourtiers of Louis XIV. ; yet which among theboldest of that profligate circle would havedared to sit. or eat, or put on his hat unbidden,in the presence of that haughty and exactingSovereign? But, then, etiquette is not polite-ess,

but only the mere external vesture of it;too often the mere counterfeit. True politenessis the outward visible sign of those inwardspiritual graces called modesty, unselfishness,generosity. The manners of a gentleman arethe index of his soul. His speech is innocent,because his life is pure ; his thoughts are direct,because his actions are upright; his bearing isgentle, because his blood, and his impulses, andhi? training are gentle also. A true gentlemanis entirely free from every kind of pretence. Heavoids homage, instead of exacting it. Mereceremonies have no attraction for him. He seeksnot to say civil things, but to do them. Hishospitality, though hearty and sincere, will bestrictly regulated by his means. His friendswill be chosen for their good qualities and goodmanners; his servants, for their truthfulnessand honesty: his occupations, for their useful-ess,

or their gracefulness, or their elevatingtendencies, whether moral, or mental, or poli-ical.

And so we come round again to our firstmaxim ; i.e. that " good manners are the kindlyfruit of a refined nature."

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14 GOOD MANNERS.

And if this be true of mankind, how stillmore true is it of womankind ! Granted thattruthfulness, gracefulness, considerateness, un-elfishness,

are essential to the breeding of atrue gentleman, how infinitely essential mustthey not be to the breeding of a true lady !That her tact should be even readier, her syni-

* */

pathies even tenderer, her instincts even finer,than those of the man, seems only fit andnatural. In her, politeness,pr"voyance, and allthe minor observances of etiquette are abso-utely

indispensable. She must be even moreupon her guard than a man in all those nicetiesof speech, look, and manner, which are theespecial and indispensable credentials of goodbreeding. Every little drawing-room ceremo-ial,

all the laws of precedence, the whole eti-uetteof hospitality, must be familiar to her.

And even in these points, artificial though theybe, her best guide, after all, is that kindness 'ofheart which gives honor where honor is due,and which is ever anxious to spare the feelingsand prejudices of others.

Every mistress of a house, be it remembered,is a minor sovereign, upon whose bounty thecomfort, and happiness, and refinement of herlittle court depend. She must take especialcare that her servants are capable, well-trained,and reliable,and that her domestic arrangementsare carried on as noiselessly and easily as if by

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16 GOOD MANNERS.

ledge of ancient and modern history, of theprogress

of English literature, and of the cur-entaffairs of our own time, is indispensable to

even the most ordinary conversationists. Nextin importance comes a familiar acquaintancewith the French and German languages. Noris mere knowledge of much value, unless thetaste be equally cultivated. Some familiaritywith the best schools of art and music is nowmade not only possible but easy to persons of allclasses. Museums, schools of art, reading-rooms,lecture halls, loan exhibitions, and the like, haveof late years placed such means of culture aswere unattainable by gentlemen and noblesof a hundred years ago within reach of thehumblest mechanic. If knowledge is power,taste, be it remembered, is delight. Withouttaste, knowledge becomes mere pedantry, andstudy remains to the last unfruitful and unat-ractive.

Let us in conclusion add the following linesby Tennyson, as an equally comprehensive andjust definition of a true gentleman : "

" We see him as he moved,How modest, kindly, all accomplished, wise,With what sublime repression of himself,And in what limits, and how tenderly:Not making his high place a lawless perchOf winged ambitions, nor a vantage groundFor pleasure: but thro' all this tract of yearsWearing the white flower of a blameless life."

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CHAPTER II.

Letters of Introduction"

Cards"

Addresses.

DO not lightly give or promise letters of in-roductioAlways remember that whenyou give letters of introduction you lay yourselfunder an obligation to those friends to whomthey may be addressed. If they live in any ofthe great cities, you

in a measure compel themto undergo the penalty of escorting the strangerswhom you introduce to some of those places ofpublic entertainment in which the cities abound.In any case, you put your friends to the expenseof inviting them to their table.

We cannot be too cautious how we tax thetime and purse of a friend, or weigh too seri-usly

the question of mutual advantage in theintroduction. Always ask yourself whetherthe person introduced will be an acceptableacquaintance to the one to whom you presenthim ; and whether the pleasure of knowing himwill compensate for the time or money whichit may cost to entertain him. If the strangeris in any way unsuitable in habits or tempera-ent,

you inflict an annoyance upon your friendinstead of a pleasure. In questions of intro-

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18 GOOD MANNERS.

duction, never oblige one friend to the discom*fort of another.

Letters of introduction are necessary in thecountry, particularly where new comers entera new abode, and wish to enter the best societyof the place. In the last case the inhabitantsshould call first, unless the new comer brings aletter of introduction, when he is the first to call.Instead, however, of going in. he sends his let-er

and card, and waits till this formal visit isreturned. Never deliver a letter of introductionin person. It places you in the most undig-ified

position imaginable, and compels you towait while it is being read, like a footman.There is also another reason why you shouldnot be yourself the bearer of your introduction ;i. e., you compel those to whom you are intro-uced

to receive you, whether they choose ornot. It may be that they arc sufficiently ill-bred to take no notice of the letter when sent-,and in such case, if you presented yourself withit. they would most probably receive you withrudeness.

It is at all events more polite on your part togive them the option, and. perhaps, more plea-ant.

If the receivers of the letter be reallywell-bred, they will call upon you or leave cardsthe next day, and you should return their atten-ions

within the week.If, on the other hand, a stranger sends you

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LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 19

a letter of introduction, and his or her card (forthe law of etiquette here holds good for bothsexes), you are bound, not only to call next day,but to follow up that attention by others. Ifyou are in a position to do so, the next correctproceeding is to send an invitation to dinner.Should this not be within your power, you canprobably escort the stranger to some exhibition,concert, public building, museum, or other placelikely to prove interesting to a foreigner or pro-incial

visitor. In short, etiquette demands thatyou shall exert yourself to show kindness to thestranger, if only out of compliment to the friendwho introduced him to you.

If you invite strangers to dinner or tea, it isa better compliment to ask some others, than todine with them tete-d-tetc. You are therebyaffording them an opportunity of making otheracquaintances, and are assisting your friend instill further promoting the purpose for whichhe gave the introduction to yourself. Be care-ul

at the same time only to ask such personsas you are quite sure are the stranger's ownsocial equals.

A letter of introduction must be carefullyworded, stating clearly the name of the personintroduced, but with as few personal remarksas possible. It suffices, in most cases, to saythat so-and-so is a friend of yours, whom youtrust your other friend will receive with atten-

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GOOD MANNERS.

tion. In travelling, one car/not have too manyletters of introduction. It is the custom inforeign towns for the new coiner to call on theresidents first,a hint that may prove acceptableto persons contemplating a long or short resi-ence

abroad.A letter of introduction should be given un-ealed,

not only because your friend may wishto know what you have said, but also as aguarantee of your own good faith. As youshould never give such a letter unless you. canspeak highly of the bearer, this rule of etiquetteis easy to observe. By requesting your friendto fasten the envelope before forwarding theletter to its destination, you tacitly give per-ission

to inspect its contents. Let your note-paper be of the best quality and of the propersize.

The fashion of cards is a variable one. Thevisiting card should be perfectly simple. Glazedcards are now wholly out of fashion, and ladies'cards are cut smaller than they used to be.Never leave a card with y""ui business addressupon it,except when making a business call.Never use a card that is ornamented in anyway. Let it be perfectly plain, tinted if youlike. The possessor of two residences shouldhave one address engraved in the left cornerand one in the right. All merely honorary orofficial designations should be omitted, except in

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CARDS. 21

cards designed for purely official visits. Theengraving should be in simple Italian writing,not in Gothic or Roman letters,and be adornedwith no flourishes. The address should alwaysbe in the corner. Some gentlemen and unmar-ied

ladies have adopted the continental customof omitting the Mr. and Miss upon their cards jas

ALFRED JOHN MAJORIBANKS ;or

LUCY CARRINGTON.

And the fashion is a good one. Autographicfac-sirniles for visiting-cards are detestable affec-ations

in any persons but those remarkable fortalent, whose autographs, or fac-similes of whoseautographs, would be prized as curiosities. Acard bearing the autographic signature of Long-ellow

or Whittier would possess a certain inte-est;whereas the signature of John Smith or

Mary Jones would be not only valueless, butwould render the owner ridiculous. Persons inmourning must have cards bordered with black.Young unmarried ladies living with their pa-ents

do not require separate cards. It is betterto have their name placed below that of theirmother ; as

MRS. STEWART BFNG.Miss STEWART

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22 GOOD MANNERS.

Some married people, when visiting together,use a single card, engraved thus: "

MR. " MRS. CHARLES BROWN.

Leave-taking cards have P. P.O. (pour prendreconc/g) written in the corner, or P.D.A. (pourdire adieu).

Wedding-cards should be as simple and unos-entatiousas possible. The envelopes and cards

should be of the very best quality.

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24 GOOD MANNERS.

Always, when making a call, send up yourcard, by the servant who opens the door.Always leave a card when you find the personupon^whom you have called absent from home.

When returning visits of ceremony, you maywithout impoliteness, leave your card at the door,without going in. Do not, however, fail to in-uire

if the family be well. If there are visitorsstaying in the house, it is better to distinguishthe cards intended for them by writing theirnames above your own. A married lady, callingupon a married lady, leaves her husband's cardfor the husband of her friend.

Unless when returning thanks for "kind in-uiriesand announcing your arrival in, ordeparture from, town, it is not considered re-pectful

to send round cards by a servant.Visits of condolence are paid within the week

after the event which occasions them. Personalvisits of this kind are made only by relationsand very intimate friends, who should be care-ul

to make the conversation as little painful aspossible.

In paying visits of congratulation, you shouldalways go in, and be hearty in your congratula-ions.

Wedding cards are generally sent roundto such people as one wishes to keep up ac-uaintance

with, and these will call first on thenewly-married pair. A visit is also due to theparents who have invited you to the wedding.

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VISITING " CALLS. 25

A call should invariably be made within aweek or fortnight upon friends or acquaintancesat whose house you have dined, or from whomyou have received an invitation to dine.

A well-bred person will endeavor to receivevisitors at any time. If you are occupied andcannot afford to be interrupted, it is better toinstruct your servant to say that you are never"at home," except upon certain days and atcertain hours. If a servant once admits a visitorwithin the hall, receive him at any incon-enience

; but take care that the circumstancedoes not occur again. A lady should neverkeep a visitor waiting. Some ladies only receivevisitors on a stated day in each week ; but thisis a somewhat pretentious custom, only to bejustified by the exigencies of a very lofty posi-ion.

Umbrellas and overcoats should alwaysbe left in the hall.

When a gentleman makes a morning call,heshould never leave his hat or riding-whip in thehall, but should take both into the room. Todo otherwise would be to make himself too muchat home. The hat should never be laid on atable, pianoforte, or any article of furniture,but must be held properly in the hand. If youare compelled to lay it aside, put it on the floor.

When going to spend the evening with afriend whom you visit often, leave your hat,gloves, and great-coat in the hall.

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26 GOOD MANNERS.

Never take favorite dogs into a drawing-roomwhen

youmake a morning call. Their feet mayhe dusty, or they may bark at strangers, or,

being of too friendly a disposition, may take theliberty of lying on a lady's gown, or jumpingupon a velvet sofa or an easy chair. Besides,your friend may have a favorite cat alreadyestablished before the fire, and in that case abattle may ensue. Many persons, too, have aconstitutional antipathy to dogs, and othersnever allow their own to be seen in the recep-ion-rooms.

For all or any of these reasons,a visitor has no right to inflict upon his friendthe society of his dog as well as of himself.

Neither is it well for a mother to take youngchildren with her when she pays morning visits ;their presence, unless they are usually well-trained, can only be productive of anxiety toyourself and your hostess. She, while strivingto amuse them, or to appear interested in them,is secretly anxious for the fate of her album, orthe ornaments upon her efag"re ; while themother is trembling lest her children shouldsay or do something objectionable.

If you do not keep a close carriage, you shouldnever pay visits of ceremony in wet weather.To enter a drawing-room with mud-bespatteredboots and damp clothes is a faux pas that nolady or gentleman will commit.

On entering a crowded drawing-room-, go at

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VISITING " CALLS. 27

once to pay your respects to the lady of thehouse, and take the seat she indicates to you.A gentleman should take any vacant chair hemay find, without troubling his hostess to thinkfor him. Place a chair for a lady, and wait untilshe takes it before you sit doAvn yourself. Neversit beside a lady upon a sofa, or on a chair verynear her own, unless she invites you to do so.A gentleman ought to rise upon the entranceof ladies. A lady does not rise. It is not per-issible

to leave one's chair in order to getnearer the fire. As a general rule, an intro-uction

is only followed by a bow, unless thepersons to whom your hostess introduces youare her relations or very old friends, and forsome special reason she desires that you shouldmake their acquaintance. In this case you giveyour hand. A man has no right to take a lady'shand till it is offered. Two ladies shake handsgently and softly. A lady gives her hand to agentleman, but does not shake his hand inreturn. Young ladies only bow to unmarriedmen. It is the privilege of a superior to offeror withhold his hand 5 an inferior should neverbe the first to extend the hand. Foreignersrarely shake hands, and then only with intimatefriends.

If other visitors are announced, and you havealready remained as long as courtesy requires,wait till they are seated ; then take leave of

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28 GOOD MANNERS.

your hostess ; bow politely to the newly arrivedguests, and retire. You will,perhaps, be urgedto remain ; but having once arisen, it is best togo. There is always a certain air of c/aucheriein resuming your seat, and repeating the cere-ony

of leave-taking. If you have occasion tolook at your watch during a call, ask permissionto do so, and apologize for it on the plea ofother appointments.

A gentleman should rise when any lady takesher leave, and, if in his own house, shouldescort her to her carriage.

Never take another gentleman to call uponone of your lady friends without first obtainingher permission to do so.

In receiving morning visits,it is not neces-arythat a lady should lay aside the employ-entin which she may be engaged, particularly

if it consist of light or ornamental needle-work.Politeness, however, requires that music, draw-ng,

or any absorbing occupation, be at onceabandoned. A well-bred lady pays equal atten-ion

to all her visitors, and endeavors to makeconversation as general as possible. It is allow-ble

to pay extra attention to any person ofdistinguished rank, extreme age, or world-widereputation. No one would resent a little exclu-ive

politeness to a general, a nonagenarian, or aLongfellow. To do homage to the rich, simplybecause they are rich, is a piece of snobbism

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"VISITING " CALLS. 29

wliK* :/en the most amiable find it difficult tofof0xve.

A lady need not advance to receive visitorswhen announced, unless they are persons towhom she is desirous of testifying particularrespect. It is sufficient if she rises, moves for-ard

a single step to shake hands with them,and remains standing till they are seated.When her visitors rise to take leave, sheshould rise also, and remain standing till theyhave quite left the room. It is not necessary toaccompany them to the drawing-room door, butthe bell should be rung in good time, that theservant mav be ready in the hall to let them out.

"/ "/If upon entering the parlor you find your friendis going out, or that the lady is dressed for aparty or promenade, make your visit very brief.If the lady is unattended, and urges your stay,you may offer your service as an escort.

Do not let your host come further with youth^n the room door if he has other visitors ; butif you are showing out a friend, and leave noothers in the parlor, a gentleman should cometo the street-door.

A lady can never call upon a gentleman un-essprofessionally or officially. To do so would

be, not only a breach of good manners, but ofstrict propriety.

A ladv should dress well, though not too"^richly, when she pays or receives morning visits.

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30 GOOD MANNERS.

If she has a carriage at command, she may dressmore elegantly than if she were on foot. Agentleman should always be well dressed. Noone. in the present day, can afford to dressbadly.

Trifling as many of these little rules may atfirst sight appear, they are by no means unim-ortant.

Trifles in the aggregate become greatsocial forces.

It has been well said that " attention to thepunctilios of politeness is a proof at once ofself-respect, and of respect for your friend."Though irksome at first, these trifles soon ceaseto be matters for memory, and become thingsof mere habit. To the thoroughly well-bredthey are a second nature. Let no one neglectthem who is desirous of pleasing in society ;and, above all, let no one deem them unworthyof attention. They are precisely the trifleswhich do most to make social intercourse agree-ble,

and a knowledge of which distinguishesthe gentleman and gentlewoman from the par-enu.

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32 GOOD MANNERS.

and language to persons who are wanting inrudimentary knowledge, is like discussing the

"/ o ocharms of literary style with one who has notyet learned to spell. Yet let no one despair ofbeing able to speak well, however laboriouslyhe may have to contend with the disadvantagesof neglected education. The safest and speediestplan is at once to procure a good teacher. Be-areof trusting too readily to the guidance ofa pronouncing dictionary. A work of this kindis, for the most part, a delusion and a snare.With its phonetic attempt at illustration,it cando no more than show you a skeleton, and callit a man. Those who have had no educationaladvantages in youth should set themselves tolearn their own language as a foreigner wouldlearn it; ?'. e. by assiduously working with afirst-rate teacher of elocution, and by omittingno opportunity of hearing good English spoken.They should attend public readings, theatres,lectures, law-courts and the like, and be carefulto associate as little as possible with personswho are in the habit of expressing themselvesincorrectly and vulgarly. Nothing is so infec-ious

as a vicious accent or a vulgar manner.All provincialisms, affectations of foreign ac-ent,

mannerisms, exaggerations, and slang aredetestable. Equally to be avoided are inaccuracies of expression, hesitation, and undue use ofFrench or other foreign words, and anything

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CONVERSATION. 35

at a loss for apt words and correct elocutionwhen we need them.

Always think before you speak ; as thus onlycan you acquire a habit of speaking to thepurpose.

A clear intonation, a well-chosen phraseology,a logical habit of thought, and a correct accent,will prove of inestimable advantage to the youngof both sexes on beginning life.

Polite vulgarisms must be scrupulouslyguarded against. A well-educated person pro-laims

himself by the simplicity and tersenessof his language. It is only the half-educatedwho indulge in fine language, and think thatlong words and high-sounding phrases are dis-ingue.

Good, clear Saxon Erglish is nowherebetter studied than in the wo As of Macaulay,Sydney Smith, Southey, Jeremy Taylor, Defoe,George Eliot, and Anthony Trollope. Suchworks should be read again and again.

Anything approaching to extravagance inconversation is objectionable. We should en-eavor

to ascertain the precise meaning of thewords we employ, and only employ them at theright time. Such phrases as "awfully hot/'"immensely jolly," "abominably dull," "dis-ustingly

mean." "c.,

"c., are constantly usedin the most reckless manner, and end by con-

/ "/veying no meaning whatever. This hyperbolica/

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40 GOOD MANNERS.

noyed by the one, as a lady of ordinary educa-ionby the other. You cannot pay a finercompliment to a woman of refinement and esprit

than by leading the conversation into such achannel as may mark your appreciation of hersuperior attainments.

It should be remembered that people takemore interest in their own affairs than in any-hing

else which you can name. In tHe-a-tHeconversations, therefore, lead a mother to talkof her children, a young lady of her last ball, anauthor of his forthcoming book, or an artist ofhis exhibition picture. Having furnished thetopic,you need only listen ; and you are thoughtnot only agreeable, but thoroughly sensible,amiable, and well-informed.

Be careful, on the other hand, not always tomake a point of talking to persons upon generalmatters relating to their professions. To showan interest in their immediate concerns is flat-ering,

but to converse with them too muchabout their own art or profession looks as if youthought them ignorant of other topics.

Do not be always witty, even though you shouldbe so happily gifted as to need the caution. Tooutshine others on every occasion is the surestroad to unpopularity.

In a tdte-d-t"te conversation, however interest-in ir, it is extremely ill-bred to drop the voice toa whisper, or to converse on private matters*

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CHAPTER V.

Letter Writing " Invitations.

^IIERE is no branch of education, no portion1 of intercourse with others, and no qualitywhich will stand in good stead more frequentlythan the capability of writing a good letter uponany and every subject.

No one should write letters at all who cannotwrite in a clear, fair hand, that " those who runmay read." In a busy age like the present,when every one's time has a certain value, wehave no right to impose the reading of hiero-lyphics

upon our correspondents, /'s shouldbe dotted, fs crossed, capitals used in their pro-erplaces, and only the most obvious abbrevi-tions

indulged in. Punctuation is equally derigueur ; the most unimportant letters should becarefully punctuated ; and the habit is so easilyacquired, and so simple, that after a while itentails no mor)s time or thought than dottingthe i's. The handwriting of a lady or gentle-an

should not be commercial or scholastic, butbold, firm, and characteristic. All affectationsin writing should be avoided, such as slopingone's hand to the left, the use of flourishes, un-

(44)

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LETTER WRITING " INVITATIONS. 45

due largeness or smallness of characters, "c.,"c. The signature should be simple and unos-entatious.

Nothing is more absurd than to seea person whose name can have no significanceto the world in general, sign himself as elabo-ately

as if he were at least the Pope or the Pre-ier.Underlining should only be resorted to

when the underlined word is very important.Many ladies carry this practice to excess, and sorob it of all significance. What should we thinkof a speaker who emphasized every other word ?

For ordinary correspondence it is advisableto use white note-paper of fair quality, thick,white, and perfectly plain, with the addressprinted in simple characters at the top. Thiscustom saves much trouble and insures yourcorrespondent's answer being correctly ad-ressed.

From a business letter the addressand date should never be omitted.

Write legible,correctly, and without erasures,upon a whole sheet of paper; never upon asheet which has anything written upon it,erasures, or is soiled. It is very impolite to usefor an answer the half of the sheet upon whichthe original letter was written.

If monograms and crests are used, theyshould be as simple as possible, and in onecolor only. Gilt monograms and crests printedin many colors are pretentious, and thereforenot in good taste. Perhaps the most simple,

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48 GOOD MANNERS.

When the invitation is for a ball, the " AtHome" form is usually adopted 5 in which casethere will be added, in the corner, li Dancing,"or '" Dancing at 11 o'clock." If it be for amusical party, intimation must also be givenof the hour at which the music begins. Thefollowing is the most formal invitation to aball :""Mrs. Molyneux requests the pleasure ofCaptain Hamilton's company at an eveningparty, on Monday, March the llth inst.

11 Dancing will begin at 10 o'clock."The answer must correspond, in this style:" Captain Hamilton has much pleasure in

accepting Mrs. Molyneux's kind invitation forMonday evening, March the llth inst.

Invitations of this formal kind can be sentout three weeks or a month before the partytakes place. In most cases, a notice of one weekis given. Invitations should be written on smallnote-paper of the best quality, with envelope tocorrespond, and sealed with a small crest, orinitial.

Dinner invitations are written and issued inthe name of husband and wife.

The following form may be printed or writ-en: "

" Mr. and Mrs. Bray request the honor of Mr.and Mrs. Thomson's company at dinner on the12th of Feb. at 7 o'clock."

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If accepted, the reply is thus written : "" Mr. and Mrs. Thomson have much pleasure

in accepting Mr. and Mrs. Bray's kind invita-ionto dinner on the 12th of Feb."

The word "pleasure," may be substituted for" honor," in inviting friends. The u afternoon"party is now much in vogue, especially in thecountry, where croquet and music are providedby way of amusement. A visiting-card may besent, with the hour of assembling added in thecorner. The kind of amusement provided shouldbe intimated on the card, as ladies attend croquetor archery parties in suitable dresses.

We now come to letter-writing in general.Having already insisted on the necessity of goodhandwriting, we pass on to other matters, suchas style, form of address, "c.

No letter should contain erasures under anycircumstances whatever.

Abbreviations are only permitted in businessletters, and in friendly correspondence mustnever be used. Figures only when putting adate or a sum of money.

The name, date, and address of a letter maybe put either at the top of the page or at theend. In the former case at the right-hand side,and in the latter, at the left-hand.

The stamp should be placed exactly in theright-hand corner of the envelope ; it must nei-her

be upside down, nor slanting, nor in any

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52 GOOD MANNERS.

acted unfairly by you, is a civil tone of corre-pondenceto be insisted

upon.Be as haughtyas you please, but state your grievance in plain

unvarnished terms, and there end. If the truthdoes not sting, nothing will ; and vituperation,though it does not injure the person on whomyou bestow it, injures your own cause, anddetracts from the dignity of your position.In writing, as in conversation, egotism is acapital offence. We have no more right to beegotistic on paper than we have a right to bedull or disagreeable. A letter should be like avisit,bright, inspiriting, and a reflex of our bestmood. Above all, it should be kind and sym-athetic.

There are letters whose arrival, wehail as we should that of a new book by adelightful writer, or as the visit of a brilliantacquaintance. Again there are others the deli-ery

of which, anticipating all the dulness andverbosity with which they are certain to abound,we dread like the incursion of a well-knownbore. Who would not wish to be the writer ofthe one? Who would not take any amount ofpains with his correspondence sooner than bedreaded like the other?

Attend to your orthography; many spellbadly from ignorance, but more from careless-ess.

If you are in doubt about a word, do nothesitate, but apply at once to the best diction-ry.

Reading with care will secure everybody

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from false spelling ; for books are always spelledwell, according to the orthography of the times.The manner of writing is as important as thematter.

After orthography, you should make it a pointto write a good hand ; clear, legible, and at thesame time easy, graceful, and rapid.

See that the wording of your letters is instrict accordance with the rules of grammar.Nothing stamps the difference between a well-educated man and an ignorant one more decid-dly

than the purely grammatical sentences ofthe one compared with the labored sentences ofthe other.

Style adorns or disfigures a subject-, muchdepends on the manner in which letters arewritten ", they ought to be easy and natural, notstrained and florid.

The secret of letter-writing consists in writingas you would speak ; correctly and properlyas possible, simple, concise, clear, and natural.

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56 GOOD MANNERS.

proper care were taken of the teeth in youth,there would be less employment for the dentistin after-life. Very hot and very sweet thingsshould be avoided. The teeth should be care-ully

brushed, not only night and morning, butafter every meal. Very hard tooth-brushes arenot advisable, and a simple tooth-powder ofcommon chalk is safer and more effectual thanany quackeries. The onion, we need scarcelyobserve, must be the forbidden fruit of the Eveof the nineteenth century. Indigestible food isalso certain to affect the sweetness of the breath.As soon as the breath becomes unpleasant, onemu-v be quite sure that the digestive machinery

"ut of order.The nails must always be fastidiously clean,

and never allowed to grow inordinately long.In cutting the nails every care must be given tothe preservation of the shape, and to the removalof superfluous skin. A liberal use of the nail-rush,

warm water, and best Windsor soap willinsure the preservation of a delicate hand.Gloves must of course be worn out of doors;and even indoors as much as possible.

The hair requires a good deal of care, thoughof the simplest and most inartificial kind. Thesecret of fine and glossy hair is a clean hair-rush

-, and ladies who keep no maid to performthose offices for them should wash their hair-rushes

in hot water and soda every few days.

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THE LADY'S TOILET. 57

Once secure the perfect cleanliness of yourhair-brush, and the rest will be easy. Brushthe hair carefully both at night and morning ;let it be occasionally cleansed with yolk of eggbeaten up, or a mixture of glycerine and lime-juice, and you will find no need to resort to hair-doctors or quacks. Pomade and oil are strictlyto be avoided ", but after a sea-water bath, orduring a sea journey, a little warm pomade willbe useful in softening the hair.

Above all things, never attempt to change thecolor of the hair by means of fashionable dyesand fluids. Color so obtained cannot harmonizenaturally with the skin, .eyes, and eyebrows thatNature has given. Practices of this kind aresimply and strictly immodest. Let ladies becareful in regard to diet, take regular exercisein the open air, wear broad-brimmed hats in thesun, and veils in the wind 5 let them avoid pearlpowders and washes of every kind ; let them,above all things, go early to bed, and rise be-times in the morning ; and if by so doing theyare not made " beautiful for ever," they cannever be made so.

The face should never be washed when heatedfrom exercise. Wipe the perspiration from theskin, and wait till it is sufficientlycool beforeyou bathe, even with warm water. Rain wateris best for the bath. In case of any eruptionupon the skin, no time should be lost in pro-

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62 GOOD MANNERS.

should never be worn before dinner. Ii, themorning, one's rings should be of the simplestkind, and one's jewellery limited to a goodbrooch, gold chain, and watch. Diamonds andpearls are as much out of place during themorning as a low dress or a wreath.

It is well to remember in the choice of jewel-erythat mere costliness is not always the testof value ; and that an exquisite work of art,

such as a fine intaglio or cameo, or a naturalrarity, such as a black pearl, is a possession moredixtinf/uti than a large brilliant which any onewho has money enough can buy as well as your-elf.

Of all precious stones the opal is the mostlovely and least commonplace. No merely vul-ar

woman purchases an opal.Gloves, shoes, and boots must always be fault-

less. Gloves cannot be too light for the carriage,or too dark for the streets. A woman with ill-fitting gloves cannot be said to be well dressed ;while to wear soiled gloves at your friend'ssoiree is to show her that you think lightly ofherself and her company.

It may be remarked, by the way, that per-umesshould be used only in the evening, and

with the strictest moderation. Perfumes to betolerable must be of the most rechercht kind.Some people of sensitive temperament would bomade ill by the smell of musk or patchouli.

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THE GENTLEMAN'S TOILET. 67

** A gentleman's coat should not fit too well."There is great truth and subtlety in this obser-ation.

To'be fitted too well is to look like atailor's dummy.

Let the dress suit the occasion. In the morn-ngwear a frock coat, and trousers of light or

dark color, as befits the season. When in thecountry or at the sea-side, gray or shootingcostumes are best.

For evening parties, dinner parties, and balls,wear a black dress coat, black trousers, blacksilk or cloth waistcoat, thin patent leather boots.a white cravat, and white kid gloves. Abjureall fopperies, such as white silk linings, silkcollars, "c. 5 above all, the shirt front shouldbe plain. At small, unceremonious dinnerparties, gloves are not necessary ; but, whenworn, they should be new and fit well. Economyin gloves is an insult to society. A man's jewel-ery

should be of the best and simplest descrip-ion.False jewellery, like every other form

of falsehood and pretence, is unmitigated vul-arity.

Elaborate studs and sleeve-links are all fop-ishand vulgar. A set of good studs, a gold

watch and guard, and one handsome ring, areas many ornaments as a gentleman can wearwith propriety. For a ring, the man of finetaste would prefer a precious antique intaglio

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RIDING AND DRIVING. 73

gentleman's education cannot be called com-leteunless he can ride well. If this has been

neglected early in life,no time should be lostin repairing the error. By riding first witha careful master for some months, and after-ards

quite regularly alone, considerable proficiency may be attained even at a late period.

When attending a lady in a horseback ride,never mount your horse until she is ready tostart. Give her your hand to assist her inmounting, arrange the folds of her habit, handher her reins and her whip, and then take yourown seat on your saddle.

Let her pace be yours. Start when she does,and let her decide how fast or slowly she willride. Never let the, head of your horse pass theshoulder of hers, and be Avatchful and ready torender her any assistance she may require.Never, by rapid riding, force her to ride fasterthan she may desire.

Do not touch her bridle, reins, or whip, ex-eptshe particularly requests your assistance,

or an accident, or threatened danger, makes itnecessary.

If there is dust or wind, ride so as to protecther from it as far as possible. If the road ismuddy be careful that you do not ride so as tobespatter her habit. It is best to ride on theside away from that on which her habit falls.

A m0,u should be able to mount on either side

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RIDING AND DRIVING. 75

good seat, a good horse, and plenty of ''pluck ;"much less should an incompetent rider ventureupon riding a friend's horse. It has been saidthat u A man may forgive you for breaking iiisdaughter's heart, but never for breaking hishunter's neck '

In the carriage, a gentleman places himselfwith his back to the horses, and leaves the bestseat for the ladies. Only very elderly gentle-en

are privileged to accept the best seat to theexclusion of young ladies. When the carriagestops, the gentleman should alight first,in orderto assist the lady. To get in and out of a car-iage

gracefully is a simple but important ac-omplishmenIf there is but one step, and

you are going to take your seat facing thehorses, put your left foot on the step, and enterthe carriage with your right in such a manneras to drop at once into your seat. If you areabout to sit with your back to the horses, re-erse

the process. As you step into the car-iage,be careful to keep your back towards the

seat you are about to occupy, so as to avoid theawkwardness of turning when once in. A gentle-an

cannot be too careful to avoid stepping onladies' dresses when he gets in or out of a car-iage.

He should also beware of shutting then?in with the carriage door.

Never put your arm across the seat, or aroundher, as many do in riding. It is an imperti-

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80 GOOD MANNERS.

you are quite close to the person whom you areabout to salute. Nothing is more awkward ormore ludicrous than to walk several yards withan extended hand.

When walking with a lady, or with a gentle-man who is older or shorter than yourself, givethem the upper side of the pavement, that is,the side nearest the house.

Be careful when walking with a lady, not toput your foot upon her dress.

In case of a sudden fall of rain you may offerto lend your umbrella to a lady, or offer to escorther home ; being perfectly respectful in yourconversation.

In meeting a lady friend, be ready to returnher recognition of you, which she should offerfirst,removing your hat. To a gentleman youmay merely touch your hat ; but if he has alady with him, raise your hat in bowing to him.

In a car or omnibus, when a lady wishes toget out, stop the car for her, pass up her fare, "c.

When with a lady, always if on your invita-ion,you must pay her expenses as well as your

own ; if she offers to share the expense, declineunless she insists upon it ; in the latter case yieldgracefully. Many ladies, dependent upon theirgentlemen friends for escort, dislike much to beunder pecuniary obligations to them, nor is itnecessary they should be.

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X

CHAPTER IX.

Morning and Evening Parties.

morning or, more properly sj leaking,a afternoon" party is a comparative novelty,

and an agreeable one. It begins about threeo'clock, and goes on till six ; and the invitationsshould be sent out a week or a fortnight before-and.

In town, a morning party should beenlivened by good music. Hired professionalperformers are best ; but if amateurs undertaketo amuse our friends, they should be highlyaccomplished. Tea, coffee, ices, strawberries,cakes, may be served ; but in the country, wherecroquet parties are given on a large scale, andprolonged to a late hour, it is customary to servethe light refreshments first and to provide acold collation afterwards. This collation is, infact, a late luncheon, and is more recherche ifserved in tents out of doors.

A lady dresses for such parties in the mo;3telegant out-of-door dress she pleases. Veryyoung ladies who play croquet may wear hatsand elegant walking dresses suitable for thegame. Gentlemen wear morning dress, i. e.light trousers, frock coat, light gloves, "c.

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MORNING AND EVENING PARTIES 85

even well-bred men at evening parties committhis selfish and vulgar solecism.Never offer any one the chair from which youhave just risen, unless there be no other dis-ngaged.

Those ladies and gentlemen who possess anymusical accomplishments should not wait to bepressed and entreated by their hostess, butcomply immediately when she pays them thecompliment of asking them to play or sing.Only the lady of the house has a right to makethis invitation ; if others do so, they must beput off in some polite way.

Be scrupulous to observe strict silence whenany of the company are playing or -singing.Remember that they are doing this for theamusement of the rest 5 and that to talk at sucha time is as ill-bred as if you were to turn yourback upon a person who was talking to you,and begin a conversation with some one else.

If a gentleman sings comic songs, he shouldbe careful that they are of the most unexcep-ionable

kind, and likely to offend neither thetastes nor prejudices of the society in which hemay find himself.

Those who play or sing should bear in mindthat " brevity is the soul of wit." Two versesof a ballad, or four pages of a piece, are at alltimes enough to give pleasure. If your audiencedesire more, they will ask for more ; and it is

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80 GOOD MANNERS.

infinitely more flattering to be encored, than toreceive the. thanks of your hearers, not so muchfor what you have given them, but for havingcome to an end at last. That performer, indeed,can have but little pride who cares to emulateLongfellow's famous piper of Bujalance, "whoasked a maravedi for playing, and ten for le /-ing off." Music, like conversation, should ieadapted to the company. A sonata of Beetho' ./nwould be as much out of place in some cireiosas a comic song at a quaker's meeting. To thosewho only care for the light popularities of theseason give Offenbach and Verdi ; to connois-eurs

give such music as wrill be likely to meetthe exigencies of a fine taste. Above all,attemptnothing that you cannot execute with ea/"j andprecision.

The great secret of successful u At \omes,"is to assemble as many distinguished r isons aspossible. We do not mean simply pe: ons witha handle to their names, but men a- 1 womenwho by their talents or character have made forthemselves a foremost place in society. If nolady is especially placed under a gentleman'scare when supper is announced, he must offerhis arm to the lady with whom he has last con-ersed

; but unless the party be a very crowdedone, the hostess will see that no lady is unpro-ided

with a cavalier.The more rooms one can throw open for these

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MORNING AND EVENING PARTIES. 89

cheerfully to pass over any blunders that yourpartner may chance to make.If you are an indifferent player, make a pointof saying so before you join a party at whist.If the others are fine players, they will be in-initel

more obliged to you for declining thanaccepting their invitation. In any case youhave no right to spoil their pleasure by yourbad play.

Never let even politeness induce you to playfor very high stakes. Etiquette is the minormorality of life ; but it never should be allowedto outweigh the higher code of right and wrong.

Young ladies may decline to play at cardswithout being deemed guilty of impoliteness.

No very young lady should appear at an even-ngparty without an escort.

In retiring from a crowded party it is unne-essarythat you should seek out the hostess for

the purpose of bidding her a formal good-night.By doing this you would, perhaps, remind othersthat it was getting late and cause the party tobreak up. If you meet the lady of the house onyour way to the drawing-room door, take yourleave of her as unobtrusively as possible, andslip away without attracting the attention of herother guests.

Introductions at evening parties are nowAlmost wholly dispensed with. Persons whomeet at a friend's house are ostensibly upon an

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CHAPTER X.

The Ball

TNVITATIONS to a ball should be sent outthree weeks or a month beforehand, and

should be answered immediately.The first requisites for a pleasant ball are

good rooms, good music, and plenty of goodcompany.

Avery

small ball is almost sure tobe dull. No one should attempt to give thissort of entertainment without being fully pre-ared

for a considerable expenditure of time,money, and patience. Nothing is so unsatis-actory

as *' a carpet dance with the dear girlsto play." If you wish your friends to enjoy thedancing, you must give them a good floor andprofessional music ; if you wish them to enjoythe supper, you must let it be well served andin great abundance ; lastly, if you wish themto enjoy the company, you must provide yourvisitors with suitable partners.

The preparation for a ball begins with thereception-rooms, which must be made as lightand airy as possible. Nothing produces a hap-ier

effect than an abundance of shrubs, plants,and flowers used freely on the stairs, in the

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THE BALL. 99

be implying an affront to her entertainers. Themere fact of being assembled together under theroof of a mutual friend is in itself a kind ofgeneral introduction of the guests to eachother.

An introduction given for the mere purposeof enabling a lady and gentleman to go througha dance together does not constitute an acquaint-nceship.The lady is at liberty to pass thegentleman in the park the next day withoutrecognition.

It is not necessary that a lady should be ac-uaintedwith the steps, in order to walk grace-ully

or easily through a quadrille. An easycarriage and a knowledge of the figures are allthat is necessary.

We now pass to that part of ball-room eti-uettewhich chiefly concerns gentlemen.

A gentleman cannot ask a lady to dance with-utbeing first introduced to her by some mem-erof the hostess's family.

Never enter a ball-room in other than fullevening dress, and white or light kid gloves.

A gentleman cannot be too careful not toinjure a lady's dress. The young men of thepresent day are inconceivably thoughtless inthis respect, and often seem to think the mis-hief

which they do scarcely worth an apology.Cavalry officers should never wear spurs in aball-room.

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THE BALL. 10 i

weather and the heat of the room. It is,to acertain extent, incumbent on them to do some-hing

more than dance when they invite a ladyto join a quadrille. If it be only upon the newsof the day, a gentleman should be able to offerat least three or four observations to his partnerin the course of a long half-hour.

Never be seen without gloves in a ball-room,though it were only for a few moments. Thosewho dance much, and are particularly soign" inmatters relating to the toilette, take a secondpair of gloves to replace the first when soiled.

A thoughtful hostess will never introduce abad dancer to a good one, because she has noTight to punish one friend in order to obligeanother.

It is not customary for married persons todance together in society.

A gentleman conducts his last partner to sup-er;waits upon her till she has had as much

refreshment as she wishes, and then takes herback to the ball-room or her chaperone.

However much pleasure he may take in alady's society, he must not ask her to dance toofrequently. Engaged persons would do well tobear this in mind.

Withdraw from a ball-room as quietly as pos-ible,so that your departure may not be ob-ervedby others, and so cause the party to

break up. If ydu. meet the lady of the house

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104 GOOD MANNERS.

An invitation to dine should be replied toimmediately, and unequivocally accepted or de-lined.Once accepted, nothing but an eventof the last importance should cause you to failin your engagement. To be exactly punctualon these occasions is the only politeness. If youare too early, you are in the way ; if too late,you spoil the dinner, annoy the hostess, and arehated by the guests. Some authorities are evenof opinion that in the question of a dinnerparty "never" is better than "late-," and oneauthor has gone so far as to say, '' If you do notreach the house till dinner is served, you hadbetter retire and send an apology, and not interrupt the harmony of the courses by awkwardexcuses and cold acceptance."

When the party is assembled, the mistress ofthe house will point out to each gentleman thelady whom he is to conduct to table. The gueststhen go down according to order of precedencearranged by the host or hostess, as the guestsare probably unacquainted, and cannot knoweach other's social rank.

The lady who is the greatest stranger shouldbe taken down by the master of the house, andthe gentleman who is the greatest strangershould conduct the hostess. Married ladiestake precedence of single ladies, elder ladiesof younger ones, and so on. A young bridetakes precedence of all other ladies.

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TABLE ETIQUETTE. 107

are now never placed on the table at a dinnerof

ceremony,and rarely even at small friendlydinners.

The dinner a la Russe is a great improvementon the old fashion ; it is more elegant and moreagreeable to see only crystal, plate, flowers,fruit, and epergnes before you ; and few peoplewill resort to the old mode who have once begunthe new. The dinner d la Russe is the poetryof dining.

The shape of the table is an important point.The oval table offers most advantages for con-ersation

; the host and hostess sit in the middleof each side, opposite to each other. The Frenchfashion of the host and hostess sitting side byside in the middle of one side of the table is nota bad one.

The appointments of the table may be assumptuous on the one hand, or as delicatelyelegant on the other, as suits the tastes andmeans of the family. Persons of rank andfamily may at slight additional cost have theirdinner-service and table-linen made expresslyfor them, with their arms or crest painted on theone and woven in the others. This is far moreredierchg than any mere design. The crest isalso engraven on the silver; but it is perhapspushing heraldic pretension too far to engraveit also on the wine and finger glasses.

We now imitate the Romans and cover our

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may be persons whose eyes are weak, and towhom it is positive torture to face a brilliantlight. The best plan is to have abundance ofwax lights on the chimney-piece and walls, andnot too many on the table.

Plenty of attendance is indispensable. Theservants should be well trained, silent,observant,scrupulously dressed, and free from gaucherie.A good servant is never awkward. His bootsnever creak ; he never breathes hard, has a cold,is obliged to cough, treads on a lady's dress, orbreaks a dish. If only two servants are in at-endance,

one should begin with the guest onhis master's right, ending with the lady of thehouse ; the other with the guest on his mis-ress's right,ending with the master. If they donot wear gloves, their hands must be scrupu-ously

clean.The clergyman of highest rank is asked to

say grace j but if the master of the house is him-elfin the Church, he is his own family chap-ain,and pronounces the grace himself.

Written bills of fare should be laid to everytwo guests.

The most elegant novelties for the appoint-entof the dinner-table should be obtained.

Among the latest of these we may mention silverfish-knives, semicircular salad plates, and glassesof any new shape lately introduced. "

In the case of small unceremonious dinners,

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110 GOOD MANNERS.

where the dishes are brought to table, the gen-lemansitting nearest the lady of the house

should offer to carve for her. Every gentlemanshould therefore know how to carve well. Thesoup comes to table first,and then the fish. Itis best to help both and send round to eachguest without asking, as they can refuse if theychoose.

Bu" the dinner d la Russe being now so uni-ersal,we must more especially confine our

observations to that form. Granted, then, thatno dishes appear on the table, the rules of diningare few and easy. Both host and guest arerelieved from every kind of responsibility. Dishafter dish comes round, as if by magic j andnothing remains but to eat and be happy.

To eat and talk well at the same time is pos-ible; but the old-fashioned way of " seeing your

dinner before you," and having to carve, as wellas to talk and eat, involved a triple duty onlywithin the compass of very few. It is not wellto talk too much at a dinner party. One mustobserve a happy medium between dulness andbrilliancy, remembering that a dinner is not aconversazione. In talking at dinner, or indeedat any time, gesticulation is objectionable. No-hing

can well be more awkward than to over-urna wine-glass, or upset the sauce upon the

dress of your nearest neighbor. Talking with

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112 GOOD MANNERS.

To drink a whole glassful at once, or drain aglass to the last drop, is inexpressibly vulgar.Knife, fork, and spoon may be abused. It isneedless, perhaps, to hint that the knife mustnever be carried to the mouth. Cheese must beeaten with a fork, as also peas, and most vege-ables.

Only puddings of a very soft kind, andliquids, require a spoon.Bread is not to be bitten, but broken, nevercut. Never dip a piece of bread into the gravyor preserves upon your plate, and then bite it ;but if you wish to eat them together, break thebread into small pieceu, and carry these to yourmouth with your fork.

Mustard, salt, "c., should be put at the sideof the plate, and one vegetable should never beheaped on the top of the other. Always remem-er

that a wine-glass is to be held by the stemand not the bowl, and that the plate must notbe tilted on any occasion. In eating, one shouldnot bend the head voraciously over the plate,extend the elbows, or rattle the knife and fork ;but transact all the business of the table quietlyand gently. Use always the salt-spoon, sugar-tongs, and butter-knife ; to use your own knife,spoon, or lingers, evinces a shocking want ofgood breeding.

Never put bones, or the seeds cf fruit, uponthe table-cloth. Put them upon the edge ofyour plate.

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Anything like greediness or indecision is ill-bred. The choicest pieces are ignored ; andyou must not take up one piece and lay it down,in favor of another, or hesitate whether youwill partake of the dish at all. It is ymtche inthe extreme not to know one's own mind abouttrifles.

Silver fish-knives are found at the best dinner-tables ; but where there are none, a piece ofcrust should be taken in the left hand, and thefork in the right.

In eating asparagus, it is well to observe whatothers do, and act accordingly. The best planis to break off the heads with the fork, and thusconvey them to the mouth. In eating stone-fruit, such as cherries, plums, "c., the samediversity of fashion .prevails. Some put thestones out of the mouth into the spoon, and so3onvey them to the plate. Others cover the lipswith the hand, drop the stones unseen into thepalm, and so deposit them on the side of theplate. Very dainty feeders press out the stonewith the fork, in the first instance, and thus getrid of the difficulty. This is the safest way forladies.

Fruit is eaten with a silver knife and fork.A very expert fruit eater will so pare an orangeas to lose none of the juice ; but anything must

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