G.K.chesterton Tremedous.trifles

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T re me nd ou s T ri fl es

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P re fa ce I . Tr eme ndous Trif le s I I. A Pi ec e o f C ha lk I II . Th e S ec re t o f a T ra in I V. T he Pe rf ec t G am e V .

T he E xt ra or di na ry C ab ma n V I. A n A cc id en t V II . T he A dv an ta ge s o f H av in g O ne L eg V II I. T he E nd o f

t he W or ld I X. I n t he P la ce de La Ba st il le X. On Lying i n Bed X I. The Twe lve M en X II . T he W ind a nd

t he T re es X II I. T he D ic ke ns ia n X IV . I n T op sy -T ur vy L an d X V. W ha t I F ou nd i n M y P oc ke t X VI . T he

D ra go n' s G ra nd mo th er X VI I. T he R ed A ng el X VI II . T he T ow er X IX . H ow I M et t he P re si de nt X X.

The G ian t X XI . A G re at M an X XI I. T he O rt ho do x B ar be r X XI II . T he T oy T he at re X XI V. A T ra ge dy

o f T wo pe nc e X XV . A C ab R id e A cr os s C ou nt ry X XV I. T he T wo N oi se s X XV II . S om e P ol ic em en a nd

a M or al X XV II I. T he L io n X XI X. H um an it y: an I nt er lu de X XX . T he L it tl e B ir ds W ho W on 't S in g

X XX I. T he R id dl e o f t he I vy X XX II . T he T ravell er s i n S tate X XX II I. T he P rehi st or ic R ai lw ay S tati on

X XX IV . T he D iabo li st X XX V. A G li mp se o f M y C ou nt ry X XX VI . A S om ewh at I m pr ob ab le S to ry

X XX VI I. T he S ho p o f G ho st s X XX VI II . T he B al la de o f a S tr an ge T ow n X XX IX . T he M ys te ry o f a

Pageant

Preface

T hese f leet in g s ketches are all r ep ub li sh ed b y k in d p er mi ss io n o f t he E di to r o f t he D AI LY N EW S, i n

w hi ch p ap er t he y a pp ea re d. T he y a mo un t t o n o m or e t ha n a s or t o f s po ra di c d ia ry —a d ia ry r ec or di ng

o ne d ay i n t we nt y w hi ch h ap pe ne d t o s ti ck i n t he f an cy — t he o nl y k in d o f d ia ry t he a ut ho r h as e ve r b ee n

a bl e t o k ee p. E ve n t ha t d ia ry h e c ou ld o nl y k ee p b y k ee pi ng i t i n p ub li c, f or b re ad a nd c he es e. B ut t ri vi al

a s a re t he t op ic s t he y a re n ot u tt er ly w it ho ut a c on ne ct in g t hr ea d o f m ot iv e. A s t he r ea de r' s e ye s tr ay s,

w it h h ea rt y r el ie f, f ro m t he se p ag es , i t p ro ba bl y a li gh ts o n s om et hi ng , a b ed -p os t o r a l am p- po st , a

wi ndow bl ind or a wa ll . I t is a t hous and t o one t ha t t he re ade r i s l ooki ng a t s om et hi ng t ha t he ha s ne ve r

s ee n: t ha t i s, ne ve r r ea li se d. He c oul d n ot wr it e a n e ss ay on s uc h a pos t o r w al l: he d oe s no t kno w wh at

t he pos t or w al l m ea n. H e c ou ld n ot e ve n w ri te t he s yno ps is o f a n e ss ay ; a s “ The B ed -Po st ; I ts

Significance—Security Essential to Idea of Sleep—Night Felt as Infinite—Need of Monumental

A rchi tect ur e, ” and s o o n. H e cou ld n ot s ketch i n o ut li ne h is t heor et ic att it ud e t ow ar ds w in do w- bl in ds ,

even i n t he f or m o f a s um mary . “Th e W in do w- Bl in d— I ts A nalo gy t o t he C ur tain and V ei l— Is M od es ty Natural? —Worship of and Avoidance of the Sun, etc., etc.” None of us think enough of these things on

wh ic h t he e ye r es ts . B ut d on' t l et us l et t he e ye r es t. W hy s ho ul d t he e ye be s o l az y? Le t us e xe rc is e t he

e ye unt il i t l ea rns t o s ee s ta rt li ng f ac ts t ha t r un a cr os s t he l and sc ape a s p la in a s a pa int ed f en ce . Le t us b e

o cu la r a th le te s. Le t us l ea rn t o w ri te e ss ay s o n a s tr ay c at o r a c ol ou re d c lou d. I h av e a tt em pt ed s om e

s uc h t hi ng i n w ha t f ol lo ws ; bu t a nyo ne e ls e m ay d o i t be tt er , i f a nyo ne e ls e wi ll o nl y t ry .

I . T re me nd ou s T ri fl es

O nc e u po n a t im e t he re w er e t wo l it tl e bo ys w ho l iv ed c hi ef ly i n t he f ro nt g ar de n, b ec au se t he ir v il la w asa mode l one . T he f ro nt ga rde n wa s a bout t he s ame s iz e a s t he di nn er t abl e; i t c ons is te d of f our s tr ip s of

g ra ve l, a s qu ar e o f t ur f w it h s om e m ys te ri ou s p ie ce s o f c or k s ta nd in g u p i n t he m id dl e a nd o ne f lo we r b ed

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w it h a r ow o f r ed d ai si es . O ne m or ni ng w hi le t he y w er e a t p la y i n t he se r om an ti c g ro un ds , a p as si ng

individual, probably the milkman, leaned over the railing and engaged them in philosophical conversation.

T he b oy s, w ho m w e w il l c al l P au l a nd P et er , w er e a t l ea st s ha rp ly i nt er es te d i n h is r em ar ks . F or t he

m il km an ( wh o w as , I n ee d s ay, a f ai ry ) di d hi s du ty i n t ha t s ta te o f l if e by o ff er ing t he m i n t he r egu la ti on

m an ne r a ny thi ng t ha t t he y c ho se t o a sk f or . A nd Pa ul c lo se d w it h t he o ff er w it h a b us in es s- li ke

abr up tn es s, exp lain in g t hat h e h ad l on g w is hed t o b e a g iant t hat h e m ig ht s tr id e acr os s con ti nent s and

o cean s and v is it N iagara o r t he H im al ay as i n an aft er no on d in ner s tr ol l. T he m il km an p ro du ci ng a w an df ro m h is b re as t p oc ke t, w ave d i t i n a h ur ri ed a nd p er fu nc to ry m an ne r; a nd i n a n i ns ta nt t he m od el v il la

w it h i ts f ro nt g ar de n w as l ik e a t in y d ol l' s h ou se a t P au l' s c ol os sa l f ee t. H e w ent s tr id in g a wa y w it h hi s

h ea d a bo ve t he c lo ud s t o v is it N ia ga ra a nd t he H im al ay as . B ut w he n h e c am e t o t he H im al ay as , h e f ou nd

t hey w er e q ui te s mall and s il ly -l oo ki ng , l ik e t he l it tl e cor k r ockery i n t he g ar den; and w hen h e f ou nd

Niagara it was no bigger than the tap turned on in the bathroom. He wandered round the world for

several minutes trying to find something really large and finding everything small, till in sheer boredom he

l ay d ow n o n f ou r or f iv e p ra ir ie s a nd f el l a sl ee p. U nf or tu na te ly h is h ea d w as j us t o ut si de t he hu t o f a n

i nt el le ct ua l b ac kw oo ds ma n w ho c am e o ut o f i t a t t ha t m om en t w it h a n a xe i n o ne h an d a nd a b oo k o f

Neo-Catholic Philosophy in the other. The man looked at the book and then at the giant, and then at the

book again. And in the book it said, “It can be maintained that the evil of pride consists in being out of proportion to the universe.” So the backwoodsman put down his book, took his axe and, working eight

hours a day for about a we ek, cut the gia nt' s hea d off; a nd there was an e nd of him.

S uc h i s t he s ev er e y et s al ut ar y h is to ry o f P au l. B ut P et er , o dd ly e no ug h, m ad e e xa ct ly t he o pp os it e

r eq ue st ; h e s ai d h e h ad l on g w is he d t o be a pi gm y a bo ut h al f a n i nc h h ig h; a nd of c ou rs e h e i mm ed ia te ly

became one. When the transformation was over he found himself in the midst of an immense plain,

c ov er ed w it h a t al l g re en j un gl e a nd a bo ve w hi ch , a t i nt er va ls , r os e s tr an ge t re es e ac h w it h a h ea d l ik e t he

s un i n s ym bo li c p ictu res, w it h g ig an ti c r ay s o f s il ver and a h ug e h eart o f g ol d. T ow ar d t he m id dl e o f t hi s

prairie stood up a mountain of such romantic and impossible shape, yet of such stony height and

d om in an ce , t ha t i t l ook ed l ik e s om e i nc id en t o f t he e nd o f t he w or ld . A nd f ar a wa y o n t he f ai nt h or iz on h e

c ou ld s ee t he l in e o f a no th er f or es t, t al le r a nd y et m or e m ys ti ca l, o f a t er ri bl e c ri ms on c ol ou r, l ik e a f or es ton f ir e f or e ve r. H e s et ou t on hi s a dv ent ur es a cr os s t ha t c ol our ed pl ai n; a nd he h as n ot c om e t o t he e nd

of i t ye t.

S uc h i s t he s to ry of P et er a nd P aul , w hi ch c ont ai ns a ll t he h igh es t q ua li ti es of a m od er n f ai ry t al e,

i nclu di ng t hat o f b ei ng w ho ll y u nf it f or chi ld ren; and i nd eed t he m ot iv e w it h w hi ch I h av e i nt ro du ced i t i s

n ot chi ld is h, b ut r at her f ul l o f s ub tl et y and r eact io n. I t i s i n f act t he alm os t d es perate m ot iv e o f excus in g o r

palliating the pages that follow. Peter and Paul are the two primary influences upon European literature

t o- da y; a nd I ma y be pe rmi tt ed t o put my own pr ef er enc e i n i ts mos t f avour abl e s ha pe , e ve n i f I c an on ly

do i t by w ha t l it tl e gi rl s c al l t el li ng a s to ry.

I n eed s ca rc ely s ay t ha t I a m t he pi gm y. The onl y e xc us e f or the s cr aps t ha t f ol low i s t ha t t he y s how

w hat can b e ach ieved w it h a com mo np lace exi st en ce and t he s acred s pect acl es o f exagg er at io n. T he

o th er g reat l it er ar y t heor y, t hat w hi ch i s r ou gh ly r ep resent ed i n E ng land b y M r. R ud yard K ip li ng , i s t hat

w e m od er ns a re t o r eg ai n t he p ri ma l z es t b y s pr aw li ng a ll o ve r t he w or ld g ro wi ng u se d t o t ra ve l a nd

g eo gr ap hi ca l v ar ie ty , b ei ng a t h om e e ve ry wh er e, t ha t i s b ei ng a t h om e n ow he re . L et i t b e g ra nt ed t ha t a

m an i n a f ro ck coat i s a h eart rend in g s ig ht ; and t he t wo alt er nati ve m et ho ds s ti ll r em ai n. M r. K ip li ng 's

s cho ol a dv is es u s t o go t o C ent ra l A fr ic a i n or de r t o f in d a ma n wi th out a f roc k c oa t. Th e s ch ool t o wh ic h

I b el on g s ug ge st s t ha t w e s ho ul d s ta re s te ad il y a t t he m an u nt il w e s ee t he m an i ns id e t he f ro ck c oa t. I f

we stare at him long enough he may even be move d to take off his coat to us ; and that is a far greater

com pl im en t t han h is t ak in g o ff h is h at . I n o th er w or ds , w e m ay , b y f ix in g o ur att en ti on alm os t f iercel y o n

t he f ac ts a ct ua ll y b ef or e us , f or ce t he m t o t ur n i nt o a dv en tu re s; f or ce t he m t o g iv e up t he ir m ea ni ng a nd

f ul fi l t heir m ys teri ou s p ur po se. T he p ur po se o f t he K ip li ng l it er at ur e i s t o s ho w h ow m an y ext raor di nary

t hi ngs a ma n m ay s ee i f h e i s a ct ive a nd s tr id es f rom c ont ine nt t o c on ti ne nt l ik e t he g ia nt i n my t al e. Bu t


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t he o bj ec t o f m y s cho ol i s t o s ho w h ow m an y e xt ra or di na ry t hi ng s e ve n a l az y a nd o rd in ar y m an m ay s ee

i f h e c an s pu r h im se lf t o t he s ing le a ct iv it y o f s ee ing . F or t hi s pu rp os e I h av e t ak en t he l az ie st p er son o f

m y a cq ua in ta nc e, t ha t i s m ys el f; a nd m ade a n i dl e d ia ry o f s uc h o dd t hi ngs a s I h ave f al le n o ve r b y

a cc id ent , i n w al ki ng i n a ve ry l im it ed a re a a t a v er y i nd ol en t p ac e. I f a ny on e s ays t ha t t he se a re v er y s ma ll

aff ai rs t al ked abo ut i n v er y b ig l an gu ag e, I can o nl y g racefu ll y com pl im en t h im u po n s eein g t he j ok e. I f

a ny on e s ay s t ha t I a m m ak in g m oun ta in s o ut o f m ol ehi ll s, I c onf es s w it h p ri de t ha t i t i s s o. I c an i ma gi ne

no more successful and productive form of manufacture than that of making mountains out of molehills.B ut I w ou ld add t hi s n ot u ni mp or tant f act, t hat m ol eh il ls are m ou nt ai ns ; o ne h as o nl y t o b ecom e a p ig my

l ik e P et er t o d is co ve r t ha t.

I h av e m y d ou bt s abo ut all t hi s r eal v al ue i n m ou nt ai neer in g, i n g et ti ng t o t he t op o f every th in g and

o ve rl oo ki ng e ve ry th in g. S at an w as t he m os t c el eb ra te d o f A lp in e g ui de s, w he n h e t oo k J es us t o t he t op

o f a n e xc ee di ng hi gh m ou nt ai n a nd s how ed h im a ll t he ki ng do ms o f t he e ar th . B ut t he j oy o f S at an i n

s ta nd in g o n a pe ak i s n ot a j oy i n l ar ge ne ss , b ut a j oy i n b eho ld in g s ma ll ne ss , i n t he f ac t t ha t a ll m en l oo k

l ike i ns ec ts a t hi s f ee t. I t i s f ro m t he va ll ey t ha t t hi ng s l ook l ar ge ; i t i s f ro m t he l eve l t ha t t hi ngs l oo k hi gh; I

a m a chi ld of the l evel and ha ve no nee d of t ha t c ele br at ed Alpine guide. I wi ll lif t up my e ye s t o t he hi ll s,

f rom w he nc e c om et h m y he lp ; b ut I wi ll n ot l if t u p m y c ar ca ss t o t he hi ll s, u nl es s i t i s a bs ol ut el y n ec es sa ry .Ev er yt hi ng i s i n a n a tt it ude o f mi nd; a nd a t t hi s mo me nt I a m i n a c om for ta bl e a tt it ude . I w il l s it s ti ll a nd l et

t he m ar ve ls a nd t he a dv en tu re s s et tl e o n m e l ik e f li es . T he re a re p le nt y o f t he m, I a ss ur e y ou . T he w or ld

w il l n ev er s ta rv e f or w an t o f w on de rs ; b ut o nl y f or w an t o f w on de r.

II. A Piece of Chalk

I r em em ber o ne s pl en di d m or ni ng , all b lu e and s il ver, i n t he s um mer h ol id ay s w hen I r el uctant ly t or e

mys el f a wa y fr om t he t as k of doi ng n othi ng in pa rti cul ar , a nd put on a ha t of s ome s or t a nd pic ke d up a

w al ki ng -s ti ck , and p ut s ix v er y b ri gh t- co lo ur ed chalk s i n m y p ocket. I t hen w en t i nt o t he k it ch en ( wh ich,a lo ng w it h t he r es t o f t he h ou se , b el on ge d t o a v er y s qu ar e a nd s en si bl e o ld w om an i n a S us se x v il la ge ),

a nd a sk ed t he o wne r a nd o cc upa nt o f t he k it che n i f s he ha d a ny b ro wn pa pe r. S he ha d a g re at d ea l; i n

f ac t, s he h ad t oo m uc h; a nd s he m is to ok t he p ur po se a nd t he r at io na le o f t he e xi st en ce o f b ro wn p ap er .

S he s ee me d t o ha ve a n i de a t ha t i f a p er son w an te d b ro wn p ap er he m us t be w an ti ng t o t ie up pa rc el s;

whi ch wa s t he l as t t hi ng I wa nt ed t o do; i nde ed, i t i s a t hi ng whi ch I ha ve f ound t o be be yond my me nta l

cap acit y. H en ce s he d welt v er y m uch o n t he v ar yi ng q uali ti es o f t ou gh ness and end ur an ce i n t he m at er ial.

I e xpl ai ne d t o he r t ha t I o nl y wa nt ed t o d ra w pi ct ur es on i t, a nd t ha t I di d not wa nt t he m t o e ndu re i n t he

l ea st ; a nd t ha t f ro m m y p oi nt of v ie w, t he re fo re , i t w as a q ue st io n, n ot o f t ou gh c on si st en cy , b ut o f

r es po ns iv e s ur face, a t hi ng com parati vely i rr el ev an t i n a p ar cel. W hen s he u nd er st oo d t hat I w an ted t o

d ra w s he o ff er ed t o o ve rw he lm m e w it h n ot e- pa pe r, a pp ar en tl y s up po si ng t ha t I d id m y n ot es a nd

cor r es po nd en ce o n o ld b ro wn p ap er w rapp er s f ro m m ot i ves o f econ om y.

I t he n t ri ed t o e xp la in t he r at he r d el ic at e l og ic al s ha de , t ha t I n ot o nl y l ik ed b ro wn p ap er , b ut l ik ed t he

qu al it y of b rown ne ss i n p ape r, j us t a s I l ik ed t he qu al it y of b rown ne ss i n O ct obe r wo ods , or i n be er , or i n

t he p ea t- st re am s o f t he N or th . B ro wn p ap er r ep re se nt s t he p ri ma l t wi li gh t o f t he f ir st t oi l o f c re at io n, a nd

w it h a b ri gh t- co lo ur ed c ha lk o r t wo y ou c an p ic k o ut p oi nt s o f f ir e i n i t, s pa rk s o f g ol d, a nd b lo od -r ed ,

a nd s ea -g re en , l ik e t he f ir st f ie rc e s ta rs t ha t s pr an g o ut o f d iv in e d ar kn es s. A ll t hi s I s ai d ( in a n o ff -h an d

wa y) t o t he ol d wo ma n; a nd I put t he br ow n pa pe r i n m y poc ke t a lon g w it h t he c ha lks , a nd pos si bl y

o th er t hi ng s. I s up po se e ve ry o ne m us t h av e r ef le ct ed h ow p ri me va l a nd h ow p oe ti ca l a re t he t hi ng s t ha t

o ne c ar ri es i n o ne 's p oc ke t; t he p oc ke t- kn if e, f or i ns ta nc e, t he t yp e o f a ll h um an t oo ls , t he i nf an t o f t he

s wor d. O nc e I pl anne d t o wr it e a boo k o f po ems e nt ir el y a bou t t he t hi ngs i n m y poc ke ts . B ut I f oun d i tw ou ld b e t oo l on g; a nd t he a ge o f t he g re at e pi cs i s pa st .


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. . . . .

W it h my s ti ck a nd m y k ni fe , my c ha lks a nd my br ow n p ape r, I we nt out on t o t he g re at d own s. I

c ra wl ed a cr os s t ho se c ol os sa l c on to ur s t ha t e xp re ss t he b es t q ua li ty o f E ng la nd , b ec au se t he y a re a t t he

s am e t im e s of t a nd s tr on g. T he s mo ot hn es s o f t he m h as t he s am e m ea ni ng a s t he s mo ot hn es s o f g re at

c ar t- ho rs es , o r t he s mo ot hn es s o f t he b ee ch -t re e; i t d ec la re s i n t he t ee th o f o ur t im id a nd c ru el t he or ie s

t ha t t he m ig ht y a re m er ci fu l. A s m y e ye s we pt t he l an ds ca pe , t he l an ds ca pe w as a s k in dl y a s a ny o f i tsc ot ta ge s, bu t f or p ow er i t w as l ik e a n e ar th qu ak e. T he v il la ge s i n t he i mm en se v al le y w er e s af e, o ne c ou ld

s ee , f or c ent ur ie s; ye t t he l if ti ng o f t he w hol e l an d w as l ik e t he l if ti ng of on e e no rm ou s w av e t o w as h t he m

all away.

I c ros se d on e s we ll o f l ivi ng t ur f a ft er a not he r, l ooki ng f or a pl ac e t o s it d own a nd dr aw . Do not , f or

h ea ve n' s s ak e, i ma gi ne I w as g oi ng t o s ke tc h f ro m N at ur e. I w as g oi ng t o d ra w d ev il s a nd s er ap hi m, a nd

blind old gods that men worshipped before the dawn of right, and saints in robes of angry crimson, and

s ea s o f s tr an ge g re en , a nd a ll t he s ac re d o r m on st ro us s ym bo ls t ha t l oo k s o w el l i n b ri gh t c ol ou rs o n

brown paper. They are much better worth drawing than Nature; also they are much easier to draw.

Whe n a c ow c ame s louc hi ng by i n the f ie ld ne xt t o me , a me re ar ti st mi ght ha ve dr awn i t; but I a lwa ys ge tw ro ng i n t he h in d l egs o f q ua dr upe ds . S o I d re w t he s ou l o f t he c ow ; w hi ch I s aw t he re p la in ly w al ki ng

before me in the sunlight; and the soul was all purple and silver, and had seven horns and the mystery that

belongs to all the beasts. But though I could not with a crayon get the best out of the landscape, it does

n ot f ol lo w t ha t t he l an ds ca pe w as n ot g et ti ng t he b es t o ut o f m e. A nd t hi s, I t hi nk , i s t he m is ta ke t ha t

people make about the old poets who lived before Wordsworth, and were supposed not to care very

m uc h a bo ut N at ur e b ec au se t he y d id n ot d es cr ib e i t m uc h.

T he y p re fe rr ed w ri ti ng a bou t gr ea t m en t o w ri ti ng a bo ut gr ea t h il ls ; b ut t he y s at o n t he g re at h il ls t o w ri te

i t. T he y g av e o ut m uc h l es s a bo ut N at ur e, b ut t he y d ra nk i n, p er ha ps , m uc h m or e. T he y p ai nt ed t he w hi te

r ob es o f t heir h ol y v ir gi ns w it h t he b li nd in g s no w, at w hi ch t hey h ad s tared all d ay . T hey b lazo ned t he

s hi el ds o f t heir p al ad in s w it h t he p ur pl e and g ol d o f m an y h er al di c s un sets . T he g reen ness o f a t ho us an dg re en l ea ve s c lu st er ed i nt o t he l iv e g re en f ig ur e o f R ob in H oo d. T he b lu en es s o f a s co re o f f or go tt en s ki es

became the blue robes of the Virgin. The inspiration went in like sunbeams and came out like Apollo.

. . . . .

B ut a s I s at s cr awl ing t he se s il ly f ig ur es on t he br own pa pe r, i t be ga n t o da wn on me , t o m y gr ea t

d is gu st , t ha t I h ad l ef t o ne c ha lk , a nd t ha t a m os t e xq ui si te a nd e ss en ti al c ha lk , b eh in d. I s ea rc he d a ll m y

pockets, but I could not find any white chalk. Now, those who are acquainted with all the philosophy

( nay, r el ig io n) w hi ch i s t yp if ied i n t he art o f d rawi ng o n b ro wn p ap er , k no w t hat w hi te i s p os it iv e and

ess en ti al . I can no t avo id r em ar ki ng h er e u po n a m or al s ig ni fi cance. O ne o f t he w is e and awf ul t ru th swh ic h t hi s br ow n- pa pe r a rt r eve al s, i s t hi s, t ha t wh it e i s a c ol ou r. I t i s no t a me re a bs enc e of c ol ou r; i t i s a

s hi ni ng a nd a ff ir ma ti ve t hi ng , a s f ie rc e a s r ed , a s d ef in it e a s b la ck . W he n, s o t o s pe ak , y ou r pe nc il g ro ws

r ed- ho t, i t d ra ws r os es ; w he n i t gr ow s w hi te -h ot , i t dr aw s s ta rs . A nd o ne of t he t wo o r t hr ee de fi an t

verities of the best religious morality, of real Christianity, for example, is exactly this same thing; the chief

a ss er ti on o f r el ig io us m or al it y i s t ha t w hi te i s a c ol ou r. V ir tue i s n ot t he a bs en ce o f v ic es o r t he a vo id an ce

o f m or al da ng er s; v ir tu e i s a v iv id a nd s ep ar at e t hi ng , l ik e p ai n o r a p ar ti cu la r s me ll . M er cy d oe s n ot m ea n

n ot b ei ng cru el o r s pari ng p eo pl e r ev en ge o r p un is hm en t; i t m eans a p lain and p os it iv e t hi ng l ik e t he s un ,

wh ic h on e h as e it he r s ee n or not s ee n.

C hast it y d oes n ot m ean abs tent io n f ro m s ex ual w ro ng ; i t m eans s om et hi ng f lami ng , l ik e J oan o f A rc. I n a

w or d, G od p ai nt s i n m an y c ol ou rs ; b ut H e n ev er p ai nt s s o g or ge ou sl y, I h ad a lm os t s ai d s o g au di ly , a s

w he n H e p ai nt s i n w hi te . I n a s en se o ur a ge h as r ea li se d t hi s f ac t, a nd e xp re ss ed i t i n o ur s ul le n c os tu me .

F or i f i t w er e r eall y t ru e t hat w hi te w as a b lank and col ou rl es s t hi ng , n eg at iv e and n on -com mi tt al , t hen


P a g e 4




w hi te w ou ld b e u se d i ns te ad o f b la ck a nd g re y f or t he f un er al d re ss o f t hi s p es si mi st ic p er io d. W e s ho ul d

s ee cit y g en tl em en i n f ro ck coats o f s po tl es s s il ver l in en , w it h t op h at s as w hi te as w on derf ul aru m l il ies.

W hi ch i s not t he c as e.

M eanw hi le, I cou ld n ot f in d m y chalk .

. . . . .

I s at on t he hi ll i n a s or t of de spa ir . T he re wa s no t own ne ar er t ha n Ch ic he st er a t w hi ch i t w as e ve n

r em ot el y p ro ba bl e t ha t t he re w ou ld b e s uc h a t hi ng a s a n a rt is t' s c ol ou rm an . A nd y et , w it hou t w hi te , m y

a bs ur d l it tl e pi ct ur es wou ld be a s p oi nt le ss a s t he w or ld w oul d be i f t he re we re n o g ood pe opl e i n i t. I

s tared s tu pi dl y r ou nd , r acki ng m y b rain f or exp ed ient s. T hen I s ud denl y s to od u p and r oared w it h

l au gh te r, a ga in a nd a ga in , s o t ha t t he c ow s s ta re d a t m e a nd c al le d a c om mi tt ee . I ma gi ne a m an i n t he

S ah ar a r eg rett in g t hat h e h ad n o s an d f or h is h ou r- gl as s. I magi ne a g en tl em an i n m id -o cean w is hi ng t hat

h e h ad b ro ug ht s om e s al t w at er w it h h im f or h is chemi cal exp er im en ts . I w as s it ti ng o n an i mm en se

w ar eh ou se o f w hi te c ha lk . T he l an ds ca pe w as m ad e e nt ir el y o ut o f w hi te c ha lk . W hi te c ha lk w as p il ed

more mi les unti l it met the sky. I s tooped and broke a pie ce off the roc k I sa t on; it did not mark so wella s t he s hop c ha lks d o; b ut i t ga ve t he e ff ec t. And I s tood t he re i n a t ra nc e of p le as ur e, r ea li si ng t ha t t hi s

S ou th er n E ng land i s n ot o nl y a g rand p en in su la, and a t radi ti on and a civ il is at io n; i t i s s om et hi ng even

m or e a dm ir abl e. I t i s a pi ec e of c ha lk.

III. The Secret of a Train

A ll t hi s t al k o f a r ai lw ay my st er y ha s s ent m y m ind b ac k t o a l oo se m em or y. I w il l no t m er el y s ay t ha t t hi s

s tor y i s t rue : be ca us e, a s you w il l s oon s ee , i t i s a ll t rut h a nd no s tor y. I t ha s no e xpl ana ti on a nd no

con cl us io n; i t i s, l ik e m os t o f t he o th er t hi ng s w e encou nt er i n l if e, a f ragm en t o f s om et hi ng els e w hi chw ou ld be i nt en se ly e xc it in g i f i t w er e n ot t oo l ar ge t o b e s ee n. F or t he p er pl ex it y of l if e a ri se s f ro m t he re

being too many interesting things in it for us to be interested properly in any of them; what we call its

triviality is really the tag-ends of numberless tales; ordinary and unmeaning existence is like ten thousand

t hr il li ng d et ec ti ve s to ri es m ix ed u p w it h a s po on . M y e xp er ie nc e w as a f ra gm en t o f t hi s n at ur e, a nd i t i s, a t

a ny r at e, n ot f ic ti ti ou s. N ot o nl y a m I n ot m ak in g u p t he i nc id en ts ( wh at t he re w er e o f t he m) , b ut I a m n ot

m ak in g u p t he a tm os ph er e o f t he l an ds ca pe , w hi ch w er e t he w ho le ho rr or o f t he t hi ng . I r em em be r t he m

v iv id ly , a nd t he y w er e a s I s ha ll n ow d es cr ib e.

. . . . .

A bo ut n oo n o f a n a sh en a ut um n d ay s om e y ea rs a go I w as s ta nd in g o ut si de t he s ta ti on a t O xf or di nt en di ng t o t ak e t he t ra in t o L ond on . A nd f or s om e r ea so n, o ut o f i dl en es s o r t he e mp ti ne ss o f m y m in d

or the emptiness of the pale grey sky, or the cold, a kind of ca price fell upon me that I would not go by

that t ra in a t al l, but would s te p out on the r oa d and wal k a t le ast some pa rt of the way t o London. I do

not kno w i f ot he r pe ople a re ma de li ke me i n t his ma tt er ; but t o me i t i s a lw ays dr ea ry we at he r, wha t m ay

be called useless weather, that slings into life a sense of action and romance. On bright blue days I do not

w an t any th in g t o h ap pen; t he w or ld i s com pl et e and b eaut if ul , a t hi ng f or con temp lati on . I n o m or e ask

f or adv en tu res u nd er t hat t ur qu oi se d om e t han I ask f or adv en tu res i n chu rch. B ut w hen t he b ackg ro un d

of m an 's l if e is a gr ey ba ckgr ound, t he n, i n t he na me of ma n' s s ac re d s upr em ac y, I de si re t o p ai nt on i t i n

f ir e a nd g or e. W he n t he h ea ve ns f ai l m an r ef us es t o f ai l; w he n t he s ky s ee ms t o h ave w ri tt en o n i t, i n

l et ters o f l ead and p al e s il ver, t he d ecree t hat n ot hi ng s hall h ap pen, t hen t he i mm or tal s ou l, t he p ri nce o f t he c re at ur es , r is es u p a nd d ec re es t ha t s om et hi ng s ha ll h ap pe n, i f i t b e o nl y t he s la ug ht er o f a p ol ic em an .

B ut t hi s i s a d ig re ss iv e w ay o f s ta ti ng w ha t I h av e s ai d a lr ea dy —t ha t t he b le ak s ky a wo ke i n m e a h un ge r


P a g e 5




f or s om e c ha ng e o f p la ns , t ha t t he m on ot on ou s w ea th er s ee me d t o r en de r u nb ea ra bl e t he u se o f t he

m ono ton ou s t ra in, a nd t ha t I s et ou t i nt o t he c oun tr y l ane s, ou t of t he t ow n of Ox for d. I t w as , pe rha ps , a t

t ha t m om ent t ha t a s tr ang e c ur se c ame u pon m e o ut of t he c it y a nd t he s ky, w he re by i t wa s d ec re ed t ha t

y ea rs a ft er wa rd s I s ho ul d, i n a n a rt ic le i n t he D AI LY N EW S, t al k a bo ut S ir G eo rg e T re ve ly an i n

con nect io n w it h O xf or d, w hen I k new p er fect ly w el l t hat h e w en t t o C am br id ge.

A s I cro ss ed t he cou nt ry every th in g w as g ho st ly and col ou rl es s. T he f ield s t hat s ho ul d h av e b een g reenw er e a s gr ey a s t he s ki es ; t he t re e- to ps t ha t s ho ul d ha ve b ee n gr ee n w er e a s g re y a s t he c lo uds a nd a s

c lo udy . A nd wh en I h ad w al ke d f or s om e h ou rs t he e ve ni ng w as c lo si ng i n. A s ic kl y s un se t c lun g w ea kl y

t o t he h or iz on, a s i f pa le w it h r el uc ta nc e t o l ea ve t he w or ld i n t he da rk. And a s i t f ad ed m or e a nd mor e

t he s ki es s ee me d t o c om e c lo se r a nd t o t hr ea te n. T he c lo ud s w hi ch h ad b ee n m er el y s ul le n b ec am e

s wo ll en ; a nd t he n t he y l oo se ne d a nd l et d ow n t he d ar k c ur ta ins o f t he r ai n. T he r ai n w as b li nd in g a nd

s ee me d t o b ea t l ik e b lo ws f ro m a n e ne my a t c lo se q ua rt er s; t he s ki es s ee me d b en di ng o ve r a nd b aw li ng

i n my e ars . I wal ke d on ma ny mor e mi le s be fore I me t a ma n, a nd i n t ha t di st anc e my m ind ha d be en

ma de up; a nd whe n I met hi m I as ke d hi m i f anywhe re i n the ne ighbour hood I c ould pi ck up t he t rai n f or

P ad di ng to n. H e d ir ec te d m e t o a s ma ll s il en t s ta ti on ( I c an no t e ve n r em em be r t he n am e o f i t) w hi ch s to od

we ll awa y from t he road a nd looked as lonely a s a hut on the Ande s. I do not t hink I ha ve eve r s een suc ha t yp e of t im e a nd s ad ne ss a nd s ce pt ic is m a nd e ve ry th in g d ev il is h a s t ha t s ta ti on w as : i t l oo ke d a s i f i t h ad

a lw ay s b ee n r ai ni ng t he re e ve r s in ce t he c re at io n o f t he w or ld . T he w at er s tr ea me d f ro m t he s oa ki ng

wood of i t a s i f i t we re not wa ter a t a ll , but s ome loa ths ome l iquid c orr upt ion of t he wood i ts el f; a s i f t he

s ol id s tati on w er e etern al ly f al li ng t o p ieces and p ou ri ng away i n f il th . I t t oo k m e n earl y t en m in ut es t o f in d

a man in the station. When I did he was a dull one, and when I asked him if there was a train to

Pa ddi ng ton hi s a ns we r wa s s le epy a nd v ague . As f ar a s I un de rs tood hi m, he s ai d t he re wou ld b e a t ra in

i n ha lf a n hour . I s at down a nd l it a c iga r a nd wa it ed, wa tc hi ng the la st t ai l of t he t at ter ed s uns et a nd

l is te ni ng t o t he e ve rl as ti ng r ai n. I t m ay h ave b ee n i n h al f a n ho ur o r l es s, b ut a t ra in c am e r at he r s lo wl y i nt o

t he s ta ti on . I t w as a n u nn at ur al ly d ar k t ra in ; I c ou ld n ot s ee a l ig ht a ny wh er e i n t he l on g b la ck b od y o f i t;

a nd I c ou ld n ot s ee a ny g ua rd r un ni ng b es id e i t. I w as r ed uc ed t o w al ki ng u p t o t he e ng in e a nd c al li ng o ut

t o t he s to ke r t o a sk i f t he t ra in w as g oi ng t o L on do n. “ We ll —y es , s ir ,” h e s ai d, w it h a n u na cc ou nt ab lek in d o f r el uc ta nc e. “ It i s g oi ng t o L on do n; b ut —— ” I t w as j us t s ta rt in g, a nd I j um pe d i nt o t he f ir st

car ri ag e; i t w as p it ch d ar k. I s at t here s mo ki ng and w on deri ng , as w e s team ed t hr ou gh t he con ti nu al ly

d ar keni ng l an ds cape, l in ed w it h d es ol at e p op lars , u nt il w e s lo wed d ow n and s to pp ed , i rr at io nall y, i n t he

mi ddl e of a f ie ld. I he ar d a he av y no is e a s of s ome o ne c la mbe ri ng of f t he t ra in, a nd a d ar k, r agge d he ad

s ud denl y p ut i ts el f i nt o m y w in do w. “Ex cu se m e, s ir ,” s ai d t he s to ker, “bu t I t hi nk , p er haps —w el l,

perhaps you ought to know— there's a dead man in this train.”

. . . . .

H ad I b ee n a t ru e a rt is t, a p er so n o f e xq ui si te s us ce pt ib il it ie s a nd n ot hi ng e ls e, I s ho ul d h av e b ee n b ou nd ,n o d ou bt , t o b e f in al ly o verw helm ed w it h t hi s s en sati on al t ou ch , and t o h av e i ns is ted o n g et ti ng o ut and

w al ki ng . A s i t w as , I r eg re t t o s ay , I e xp re ss ed m ys el f p ol it el y, b ut f ir ml y, t o t he e ff ec t t ha t I d id n' t c ar e

particularly if the train took me to Paddington. But when the train had started with its unknown burden I

d id d o on e t hi ng, a nd do i t q ui te i ns ti nc ti ve ly, w it ho ut s top pi ng t o t hi nk , o r t o t hi nk m or e t ha n a f la sh . I

t hr ew a wa y m y c ig ar . S om et hi ng t ha t i s a s o ld a s m an a nd ha s t o d o w it h a ll m ou rni ng a nd c er em oni al

t ol d m e t o d o i t. T he re w as s om et hi ng u nn ec es sa ri ly h or ri bl e, i t s ee me d t o m e, i n t he i de a o f t he re b ei ng

onl y t wo me n i n t ha t t ra in , a nd on e of t he m de ad a nd t he o the r s moki ng a c iga r. And a s t he r ed a nd gol d

o f t he b ut t e nd o f i t f ad ed l ik e a f un er al t or ch t ra mp le d o ut a t s om e s ym bo li c m om en t o f a p ro ce ss io n, I

r ea li se d h ow i mm or ta l r it ua l i s. I r ea li se d ( wh at i s t he o ri gi n a nd e ss en ce o f a ll r it ua l) t ha t i n t he pr es enc e

o f t ho se s ac re d r id dl es a bo ut w hi ch w e c an s ay n ot hi ng i t i s m or e d ec en t m er el y t o d o s om et hi ng . A nd I

r eali sed t hat r it ual w il l alw ay s m ean t hr ow in g away s om et hi ng ; D ES TR OY IN G o ur cor n o r w in e u po n

t he a lt ar of o ur g od s.


P a g e 6




W he n t he t ra in p an te d a t l as t i nt o P ad di ng to n S ta ti on I s pr an g o ut o f i t w it h a s ud de nl y r el ea se d

c ur io si ty . T he re w as a b ar ri er a nd o ff ic ia ls g ua rd in g t he r ea r p ar t o f t he t ra in ; n o o ne w as a ll ow ed t o

press towards it. They were guarding and hiding something; perhaps death in some too shocking form,

perhaps something like the Merstham matter, so mixed up with human mystery and wickedness that the

l an d h as t o g iv e i t a s or t o f s an ct it y; p er ha ps s om et hi ng w or se t ha n e it he r. I w en t o ut g la dl y e no ug h i nt o

t he s tr ee ts a nd s aw t he l am ps s hi ni ng o n t he l au gh in g f ac es . N or h av e I e ve r k no wn f ro m t ha t d ay t o t hi s

i nt o w hat s tr an ge s to ry I w an dered o r w hat f ri gh tf ul t hi ng w as m y com pani on i n t he d ar k.

IV. The Perfect Game

W e ha ve a ll m et t he m an who s ays t ha t s om e o dd t hi ngs ha ve ha pp ene d t o h im, bu t t ha t he doe s not

r ea ll y be li ev e t ha t t he y w er e s up er na tur al . M y o wn p os it io n i s t he o pp os it e o f t hi s. I b el ie ve i n t he

s upe rna tu ra l a s a m at te r o f i nt el le ct a nd r ea son , n ot a s a m at te r o f pe rs ona l e xp er ie nc e. I do no t s ee

g ho st s; I o nl y s ee t heir i nh er en t p ro babi li ty . B ut i t i s ent ir el y a m at ter o f t he m er e i nt el li gence, n ot even o f

t he m ot io ns ; m y n er ve s a nd b od y a re a lt og et he r o f t hi s e ar th , v er y e ar th y. B ut u po n p eo pl e o f t hi s

temperament one weird incident will often leave a peculiar impression. And the weirdest circumstancet ha t e ve r o cc ur re d t o m e o cc ur re d a l it tl e w hi le a go . I t c on si st ed i n n ot hi ng l es s t ha n m y p la yi ng a ga me ,

and p layi ng i t q ui te w el l f or s om e s ev en teen con secu ti ve m in ut es . T he g ho st o f m y g rand fath er w ou ld

h av e ast on is hed m e l es s.

O n o ne o f t hese b lu e and b ur ni ng aft er no on s I f ou nd m ys el f, t o m y i nexp ress ib le ast on is hm en t, p layi ng a

g am e c al le d c ro qu et . I h ad i ma gi ne d t ha t i t b el on ge d t o t he e po ch o f L ea ch a nd A nt ho ny T ro ll op e, a nd I

h ad n eg lect ed t o p ro vi de m ys el f w it h t ho se v er y l on g and l ux ur iant s id e w hi sk er s w hi ch are r eall y

e sse nt ial t o s uc h a sc ene . I pl aye d i t wi th a m an whom we wi ll c all Pa rkins on, a nd wi th whom I ha d a

semi-philosophical argument which lasted through the entire contest. It is deeply implanted in my mind

t ha t I ha d t he be st of t he a rg ume nt ; but i t i s c er ta in a nd be yond di sput e t ha t I ha d t he wo rs t of t he g ame .

“Oh , P ar ki ns on , P ar ki ns on !” I cri ed , p at ti ng h im aff ecti on at el y o n t he h ead w it h a m al let, “ho w f ar y ou

r ea lly a re f rom t he pur e love of t he s por t—you who c an pla y. I t i s onl y w e who pla y ba dl y who love t he

G am e i ts el f. Y ou l ove g lo ry ; y ou l ov e a ppl au se ; y ou l ov e t he e ar th qu ak e v oi ce o f v ic to ry ; y ou d o n ot l ov e

c ro qu et . Y ou d o n ot l ov e c ro qu et u nt il y ou l ov e b ei ng b ea te n a t c ro qu et . I t i s w e t he b un gl er s w ho a do re

the occupati on in t he a bs tra ct . I t is we t o whom i t is a rt f or a rt' s sa ke . I f we may s ee the fac e of Croque t

he rs el f ( if I ma y s o e xp re ss my se lf) we a re c ont ent to s ee h er f ac e t ur ne d upon us i n a nge r. Our pl ay i s

c al le d a ma te ur is h; a nd w e w ea r p ro ud ly t he n am e o f a ma te ur , f or a ma te ur s i s b ut t he F re nc h f or L ov er s.

W e a cc ep t a ll a dv en tu re s f ro m o ur L ad y, t he m os t d is as tr ou s o r t he m os t d re ar y. W e w ai t o ut si de h er

i ro n g at es ( I a ll ud e t o t he h oo ps ), v ai nl y e ss ay in g t o e nt er . O ur d ev ot ed b al ls , i mp et uo us a nd f ul l o f

chi valr y, w il l n ot b e con fi ned w it hi n t he p ed an ti c b ou nd ar ies o f t he m er e cro qu et g ro un d. O ur b al ls s eek ho nour i n t he e nd s o f t he e ar th; t he y t ur n u p i n t he f low er -be ds a nd t he c ons er va to ry; t he y a re t o be

f ou nd i n t he f ro nt g ar de n a nd t he n ex t s tr ee t. N o, P ar ki ns on ! T he g oo d p ai nt er h as s ki ll . I t i s t he b ad

painter who loves his art. The good musician loves being a musician, the bad musician loves music. With

s uc h a p ur e a nd h op el es s p as si on d o I w or sh ip c ro qu et . I l ov e t he g am e i ts el f. I l ov e t he p ar al le lo gr am o f

g ra ss m ar ke d o ut w it h c ha lk o r t ap e, a s i f i ts l im it s w er e t he f ro nt ie rs o f m y s ac re d F at he rl an d, t he f ou r

s ea s of B ri ta in . I l ov e t he m er e s wi ng o f t he m al le ts , a nd t he c li ck o f t he b al ls i s m us ic . T he f ou r c ol our s

a re t o m e s ac ra me nt al a nd s ym bo li c, l ik e t he r ed o f m ar ty rd om , o r t he w hi te o f E as te r D ay . Y ou l os e a ll

t hi s, m y p oo r P ar ki ns on . Y ou h av e t o s ol ac e y ou rs el f f or t he a bs en ce o f t hi s v is io n b y t he p al tr y

c on so la ti on o f b ei ng a bl e t o g o t hr ou gh h oo ps a nd t o h it t he s ti ck .”

An d I w av ed m y m al le t i n t he a ir wi th a g ra ce ful g ai et y.


P a g e 7




“ Do n' t b e t oo s or ry f or m e, ” s ai d P ar ki ns on , w it h hi s s im pl e s ar ca sm . “ I s ha ll g et o ve r i t i n t im e. B ut i t

s ee ms t o m e t ha t t he mor e a ma n l ik es a ga me t he be tt er he wo ul d wa nt t o pl ay i t. G ra nt ed t ha t t he

pleasure in the thing itself comes first, does not the pleasure of success come naturally and inevitably

a ft er wa rd s? O r, t ak e y ou r o wn s im il e o f t he K ni gh t a nd h is L ad y- lo ve . I a dm it t he g en tl em an d oe s f ir st

a nd f or emo st wa nt t o be i n t he l ady' s p re se nc e. B ut I ne ve r ye t h ea rd of a ge nt le ma n w ho w an te d t o l ook

a n u tt er a ss wh en h e wa s t he re .”

“ Pe rh ap s no t; t hou gh h e g ene ra ll y l oo ks i t, ” I r epl ie d. “ But t he t ru th i s t ha t t he re i s a f al la cy i n t he s im il e,

alt ho ug h i t w as m y o wn . T he h ap pi ness at w hi ch t he l ov er i s aim in g i s an i nf in it e h ap pi ness , w hi ch can b e

ext en ded w it ho ut l im it . T he m or e h e i s l ov ed , n or mall y s peak in g, t he j ol li er h e w il l b e. I t i s d ef in it el y t ru e

t ha t t he s tr on ge r t he l ov e o f b ot h l ov er s, t he s tr on ge r w il l b e t he h ap pi ne ss . B ut i t i s n ot t ru e t ha t t he

s tr on ger t he p lay o f b ot h cro qu et p layers t he s tr on ger w il l b e t he g am e. I t i s l og ical ly p os si bl e— (f ol lo w

m e c lo se ly h er e, P ar ki ns on !) —i t i s l ogi ca ll y p os si bl e, t o p la y c ro que t t oo w el l t o e nj oy i t a t a ll . I f y ou

c oul d p ut t hi s bl ue b al l t hr ou gh t ha t di st an t h oop a s e as il y a s y ou c ou ld p ic k i t up w it h yo ur h and , t he n

you would not put i t t hr ough t ha t hoop any mor e t han you pi ck i t up wi th your hand; i t woul d not be

w or th do in g. I f y ou c ou ld p la y u ne rr ing ly yo u w oul d n ot pl ay a t a ll . T he mo me nt t he ga me i s p er fe ct t he

game disappears.”

“ I d o n ot t hi nk, h ow ev er ,” s ai d P ar ki ns on , “ th at y ou a re i n a ny i mm ed ia te d an ge r o f e ff ec ti ng t ha t s or t o f

d es tr ucti on . I d o n ot t hi nk y ou r cro qu et w il l v an is h t hr ou gh i ts o wn f au lt less excel lence. Y ou are s af e f or

the present.”

I a ga in c ar es se d h im w it h t he m al le t, k no ck ed a b al l a bo ut , w ir ed m ys el f, a nd r es um ed t he t hr ea d o f m y

discourse.

T he l on g, w ar m eveni ng h ad b een g radu al ly clo si ng i n, and b y t hi s t im e i t w as alm os t t wi li gh t. B y t he t im e

I h ad d el iv er ed f ou r m or e f un dament al p ri ncip les, and m y com pani on h ad g on e t hr ou gh f iv e m or e h oo ps ,

t he d us k w as v er gi ng u po n d ar k.

“ We s ha ll ha ve to give thi s up, ” s ai d Pa rkins on, a s he mi ss ed a ba ll a lmos t f or t he f ir st ti me , “ I c an' t s ee a

thing.”

“ Nor c an I ,” I a ns we re d, “ and i t i s a c om for t t o re fl ec t t ha t I c oul d not h it a nyt hi ng if I s aw i t.”

W it h t ha t I s tr uc k a b al l s ma rt ly , a nd s en t i t a wa y i nt o t he d ar kn es s t ow ar ds w he re t he s ha do wy f ig ur e o f

P ar ki ns on m ov ed i n t he h ot h aze. P ar ki ns on i mm ed iately u tt er ed a l ou d and d ramati c cry . T he s it uati on ,

i nd ee d, c al le d f or i t. I h ad hi t t he r ig ht b al l.

S tu nn ed w it h a st on is hm en t, I c ro ss ed t he g loo my g ro un d, a nd h it m y b al l a ga in . I t w en t t hr ou gh a h oo p. I

c oul d n ot s ee t he h oo p; b ut i t w as t he r igh t h oo p. I s hud de re d f ro m h ea d t o f oot .

W or ds w er e w ho ll y i nadequ at e, s o I s lo uched h eavi ly aft er t hat i mp os si bl e b al l. A gain I h it i t away i nt o

t he n ig ht , i n w ha t I s up po se d w as t he v ag ue d ir ec ti on o f t he q ui te i nv is ib le s ti ck . A nd i n t he d ea d s il en ce I

h ea rd t he s ti ck r at tl e a s t he b al l s tr uc k i t h ea vi ly .

I t hr ew d ow n m y m al le t. “ I c an 't s ta nd t hi s, ” I s ai d. “ My b al l ha s g on e r ig ht t hr ee t im es . T he se t hi ng s a re

n ot o f t hi s w or ld .”

“Pi ck y ou r m al let u p , ” s ai d P ar ki ns on , “have ano th er g o. ”

“ I te ll you I da re n' t. I f I ma de a not he r hoop l ike t ha t I s houl d s ee a ll t he de vi ls d anc ing t he re on t he


P a g e 8




blessed grass.”

“Wh y d ev il s?” ask ed P ar ki ns on ; “th ey m ay b e o nl y f ai ri es m ak in g f un o f y ou . T hey are s en di ng y ou t he

' Perf ect G am e, ' w hi ch i s n o g am e. ”

I l oo ke d a bo ut m e. T he g ar de n w as f ul l o f a b ur ni ng d ar kn es s, i n w hi ch t he f ai nt g li mm er s h ad t he l oo k

of f ir e. I s te ppe d a cr os s t he gr as s a s i f i t bu rnt m e, pi cke d up t he ma ll et , a nd hi t t he ba lls om ew here—s om ew here w here ano th er b al l m ig ht b e. I h eard t he d ul l cli ck o f t he b al ls t ou ch in g, and r an

i nt o t he h ou se l ik e o ne p ur su ed .

V . T he E xt ra or di na ry C ab ma n

F ro m t im e t o t im e I h av e i nt ro du ced i nt o t hi s n ew sp ap er col um n t he n ar rati on o f i ncid en ts t hat h av e

r ea ll y o cc ur re d. I d o n ot m ea n t o i ns in ua te t ha t i n t hi s r es pe ct i t s ta nd s a lo ne a mo ng n ew sp ap er c ol um ns .

I m ea n o nl y t ha t I h av e f ou nd t ha t m y m ea ni ng w as b et te r e xp re ss ed b y s om e p ra ct ic al p ar ab le o ut o f

d ai ly l if e t han b y any o th er m et ho d; t herefo re I p ro po se t o n ar rate t he i ncid en t o f t he ext raor di naryc ab ma n, w hi ch o cc ur re d t o m e o nl y t hr ee d ay s a go , a nd w hi ch , s li gh t a s i t a pp ar en tl y i s, a ro us ed i n m e a

moment of genuine emotion bordering upon despair.

O n t he d ay t ha t I m et t he s tr ang e c ab ma n I h ad b ee n l un ch in g i n a l it tl e r es ta ur an t i n S oho i n c om pa ny

w it h t hr ee o r f ou r o f m y b es t f ri en ds . M y b es t f ri en ds a re a ll e it he r b ot to ml es s s ce pt ic s o r q ui te

uncontrollable believers, so our discussion at luncheon turned upon the most ultimate and terrible ideas.

A nd t he w hol e a rg um ent w or ke d o ut u lt im at el y t o t hi s: t ha t t he q ue st ion i s w he th er a m an c an be c er ta in

o f a nyt hi ng a t a ll . I t hi nk he c an be c er ta in , f or i f ( as I s ai d t o m y f ri en d, f ur iou sl y br an di sh in g a n e mp ty

bottle) it is impossible intellectually to entertain certainty, what is this certainty which it is impossible to

e nt er ta in? I f I h av e n ev er e xp er ie nc ed s uc h a t hi ng a s c er ta in ty I c an no t e ve n s ay t ha t a t hi ng i s n otc er ta in . S im il ar ly , i f I h av e n ev er e xp er ie nc ed s uc h a t hi ng a s g re en I c an no t e ve n s ay t ha t m y n os e i s n ot

gr ee n. I t ma y b e a s g re en a s po ss ibl e f or a ll I kno w, i f I ha ve r ea ll y no e xpe ri enc e o f gr ee nn es s. S o w e

s ho ut ed at each o th er and s ho ok t he r oo m; b ecau se m et ap hy si cs i s t he o nl y t ho ro ug hl y emo ti on al t hi ng .

A nd t he d if fe re nc e be tw ee n us w as v er y de ep , b ec aus e i t w as a di ff er enc e a s t o t he ob je ct o f t he wh ol e

t hi ng cal led b ro ad -m in dedn es s o r t he o peni ng o f t he i nt el lect . F or m y f ri en d s ai d t hat h e o pened h is

i nt el lect as t he s un o pens t he f an s o f a p al m t ree, o peni ng f or o peni ng 's s ak e, o peni ng i nf in it el y f or ever.

But I s aid t ha t I ope ne d m y int el le ct a s I ope ned m y mout h, i n or de r t o s hut it a ga in on s ome thi ng s ol id. I

w as do in g i t a t t he m ome nt . An d a s I t ru ly po in te d o ut , i t w oul d l oo k u nc omm onl y s il ly i f I w ent on

opening my mouth infinitely, for ever and ever.

. . . . .

N ow whe n t hi s a rgum ent wa s ove r, or a t l ea st w he n i t wa s c ut s hor t ( for i t wi ll ne ve r be ove r) , I w ent

away w it h o ne o f m y com pani on s, w ho i n t he con fu si on and com parati ve i ns an it y o f a G en er al E lect io n

ha d s ome how be come a m embe r of Pa rl ia me nt , a nd I d ro ve wi th hi m i n a c ab f rom t he c orn er of

L ei ce st er -s qu ar e t o t he m em be rs ' e nt ra nc e o f t he H ou se o f C om mo ns , w he re t he p ol ic e r ec ei ve d m e

wi th a q ui te un us ua l t ol er anc e. Wh et he r t he y t hou ght t ha t he wa s my ke epe r or t ha t I w as hi s ke epe r i s a

discussion between us which still continues.

I t i s n eces sary i n t hi s n ar rati ve t o p reserv e t he u tm os t exact it ud e o f d et ai l. A ft er l eavi ng m y f ri en d at t he

Ho us e I t ook t he c ab on a f ew hu ndr ed ya rd s t o a n o ff ic e i n Vi ct or ia -s tr ee t w hi ch I ha d t o v is it . I t he ngot out a nd of fer ed him mor e tha n hi s f ar e. He loo ke d a t i t, but n ot wi th t he s ur ly doubt a nd ge ne ra l

d is po si ti on t o t ry i t o n w hi ch i s n ot u nk no wn a mo ng n or ma l c ab me n. B ut t hi s w as n o n or ma l, p er ha ps , n o


P a g e 9




h um an , cab man. H e l oo ked at i t w it h a d ul l and i nf an ti le ast on is hm en t, clear ly q ui te g en ui ne. “Do y ou

k no w, s ir ,” h e s ai d, “ yo u' ve o nl y g iv en m e 1 s. 8d ?” I r em ar ke d, w it h s om e s ur pr is e, t ha t I d id k no w i t.

“ No w y ou k no w, s ir ,” s ai d h e i n a k in dl y, a pp ea li ng , r ea so na bl e w ay , “ yo u k no w t ha t a in 't t he f ar e f ro m

E us to n. ” “ Eu st on ,” I r ep ea te d v ag ue ly , f or t he p hr as e a t t ha t m om en t s ou nd ed t o m e l ik e C hi na o r

A ra bi a. “ Wh at o n e ar th h as E us ton g ot t o d o w it h i t? ” “ Yo u h ai le d m e j us t o ut si de E us to n S ta ti on ,”

began the man with astonishing precision, “and then you said——” “What in the name of Tartarus are

y ou t al ki ng a bo ut ?” I s ai d w it h C hr is ti an f or be ar an ce ; “ I t oo k y ou a t t he s ou th -w es t c or ne r o f L ei ces ter- sq uare.” “Lei cest er -s qu ar e, ” h e excl ai med, l oo seni ng a k in d o f cat ar act o f s co rn , “wh y w e ain 't

been near Leicester-square to-day. You hailed me outside Euston Station, and you said——” “Are you

m ad , o r a m I ?” I a sk ed w it h s ci en ti fi c c al m.

I l oo ke d a t t he m an . N o o rd in ar y d is ho ne st c ab ma n w ou ld t hi nk o f c re at in g s o s ol id a nd c ol os sa l a nd

c re ati ve a l ie . And t hi s m an wa s not a dis hone st c abm an. I f e ve r a hum an f ac e wa s he avy a nd s im pl e a nd

h um bl e, a nd w it h gr ea t b ig b lu e e ye s pr ot ru di ng l ik e a f ro g' s, i f e ve r ( in s ho rt ) a hu ma n f ac e w as a ll t ha t a

h um an f ac e s ho ul d b e, i t w as t he f ac e o f t ha t r es en tf ul a nd r es pe ct fu l c ab ma n. I l oo ke d u p a nd d ow n t he

s tr ee t; a n u nu su al ly d ar k t wi li ght s ee me d t o b e c om ing o n. A nd f or o ne s ec on d t he o ld n ig ht ma re o f t he

s cept ic p ut i ts f in ger o n m y n er ve. W hat w as cer tain ty ? W as any bo dy cer tain o f any th in g? H eavens ! t ot hi nk of t he d ul l r ut o f t he s ce pt ic s w ho g o o n a sk ing w he th er w e p os se ss a f ut ur e l if e. T he e xc it in g

q uest io n f or r eal s cept icis m i s w heth er w e p os sess a p as t l if e. W hat i s a m in ut e ago , r at io nali st ical ly

c on si de re d, e xc ep t a t ra di ti on a nd a p ic tu re ? T he d ar kn es s g re w d ee pe r f ro m t he r oa d. T he c ab ma n

c al ml y g av e m e t he m os t e la bo ra te d et ai ls o f t he g es tu re , t he w or ds , t he c om pl ex b ut c on si st en t c ou rs e o f

act io n w hi ch I h ad ado pt ed s in ce t hat r em ar kabl e o ccas io n w hen I h ad h ai led h im o ut si de E us to n S tati on .

H ow d id I k no w ( my s ce pt ic al f ri en ds w ou ld s ay ) t ha t I h ad n ot h ai le d h im o ut si de E us to n. I w as f ir m

a bo ut m y a ss er ti on ; h e w as q ui te e qu al ly f ir m a bo ut h is . H e w as o bv io us ly q ui te a s h on es t a m an a s I , a nd

a m em be r o f a m uc h m or e r es pe ct ab le p ro fe ss io n. I n t ha t m om en t t he u ni ve rs e a nd t he s ta rs s wu ng j us t a

h ai r' s b re ad th f ro m t he ir b al an ce , a nd t he f ou nd at io ns o f t he e ar th w er e m ov ed . B ut f or t he s am e r ea so n

t ha t I be li eve i n D emoc ra cy, f or t he s ame r ea son t ha t I be li eve in f re e wi ll, f or t he s am e r ea son t ha t I

believe in fixed character of virtue, the reason that could only be expressed by saying that I do notc hoos e t o b e a l una ti c, I c ont inue d t o be li eve t ha t t hi s hone st c abm an w as wr ong, a nd I r epe at ed t o hi m

t ha t I h ad r ea ll y t ak en h im a t t he c or ne r o f L ei ce st er -s qu ar e. H e b eg an w it h t he s am e e vi de nt a nd

ponderous sincerity, “You hailed me outside Euston Station, and you said——”

And at this moment there came over his features a kind of frightful transfiguration of living astonishment,

a s i f he h ad be en l it up l ike a la mp f rom t he ins ide . “ Why, I be g your pa rd on, s ir ,” he s aid. “ I be g y our

pardon. I beg your pardon. You took me from Leicester-square. I remember now. I beg your pardon.”

A nd w it h t ha t t hi s a st on is hi ng m an l et o ut hi s w hi p w it h a s ha rp c ra ck a t h is h or se a nd w en t t run dl ing

a wa y. T he w ho le o f w hi ch i nt er vi ew , b ef or e t he b an ne r o f S t. G eo rg e I s we ar , i s s tr ic tl y t ru e.

. . . . .

I l oo ke d a t t he s tr ange c ab ma n a s he l es se ne d i n t he d is ta nc e a nd t he m is ts . I d o n ot kn ow wh et he r I

w as r ig ht i n f an cy in g t hat alt ho ug h h is f ace h ad s eemed s o h on es t t here w as s om et hi ng u near th ly and

d em on ia c a bo ut h im w he n s ee n f ro m b eh in d. P er ha ps h e h ad b ee n s en t t o t em pt m e f ro m m y a dh er en ce

t o t ho se s an it ie s a nd c er ta in ti es w hi ch I h ad d ef en de d e ar li er i n t he d ay . I n a ny c as e i t g av e m e p le as ur e

t o r em em be r t ha t m y s en se o f r ea li ty , t ho ug h i t h ad r oc ke d f or a n i ns ta nt , h ad r em ai ne d e re ct .

VI . An Acci den tS om e t im e a go I w ro te i n t he se c ol um ns a n a rt ic le c al le d “ Th e E xt ra or di na ry C ab ma n. ” I a m n ow i n a


P a g e 1 0




position to contribute my experience of a still more extraordinary cab. The extraordinary thing about the

c ab was tha t i t did not l ike me ; i t t hre w me out viole ntl y i n the mi ddl e of the St ra nd. I f my fr ie nds who

re ad t he DAI LY NEWS a re as romant ic ( and as ri ch) a s I t ake them to be, I pre sume that this

e xp er ie nc e i s n ot u nc om mo n. I s up po se t ha t t he y a re a ll b ei ng t hr ow n o ut o f c ab s, a ll o ve r L on do n. S ti ll ,

a s t he re a re s om e p eo pl e, v ir gi na l a nd r em ot e f ro m t he w or ld , w ho h av e n ot y et h ad t hi s l ux ur io us

e xp er ie nc e, I w il l g iv e a s ho rt a cc oun t of t he ps yc ho lo gy of m ys el f w he n m y h an som c ab r an i nt o t he s id e

of a mo tor om ni bus , a nd I hope hur t i t.

I d o n ot n ee d t o d we ll o n t he e ss en ti al r om an ce o f t he h an so m c ab — t ha t o ne r ea ll y n ob le m od er n t hi ng

w hi ch o ur a ge , w he n i t i s j ud ge d, w il l g ra ve ly p ut b es id e t he Pa rt he no n. I t i s r ea ll y m od er n i n t ha t i t i s

both secret and swift. My particular hansom cab was modern in these two respects; it was also very

mode rn in t he f act t ha t it c ame t o gr ie f. But i t is a ls o Engli sh; i t i s not t o be found a br oad; i t bel ongs t o a

beautiful, romantic country where nearly everybody is pretending to be richer than they are, and acting as

i f t he y w er e. I t i s c om fo rt ab le , a nd y et i t i s r ec kl es s; a nd t ha t c om bi na ti on i s t he v er y s ou l o f E ngl an d. B ut

a lt ho ug h I h ad a lw ay s r ea li se d a ll t he se g oo d q ua li ti es i n a h an so m c ab, I h ad n ot e xp er ie nc ed a ll t he

possibilities, or, as the moderns put it, all the aspects of that vehicle. My enunciation of the merits of a

h an so m c ab h ad b ee n a lw ay s m ad e w he n i t w as t he r ig ht w ay u p. L et m e, t he re fo re , e xp la in h ow I f el twhe n I f el l out o f a ha ns om c ab for t he f ir st a nd, I a m ha ppy t o be li eve , t he l as t t ime . Pol yc ra te s t hr ew

one r ing i nt o t he s ea to pr opi ti at e t he Fa te s. I ha ve t hr ow n one ha ns om c ab i nt o t he s ea ( if you w il l

e xc us e a r at he r v io le nt m et ap ho r) a nd t he F at es a re , I a m q ui te s ur e, p ro pi ti at ed . T ho ug h I a m t ol d t he y

do not like to be told so.

I w as d ri vi ng y es te rd ay a ft er no on i n a h an so m c ab d ow n o ne o f t he s lo pi ng s tr ee ts i nt o t he S tr an d,

reading one of my own admirable articles with continual pleasure, and still more continual surprise, when

t he h or se f el l f or wa rd , s cr am bl ed a m om en t o n t he s cr ap in g s to ne s, s ta gg er ed t o h is f ee t a ga in , a nd w en t

f or wa rd. The hor se s i n m y c abs of te n do th is , a nd I ha ve le ar nt t o e nj oy my o wn a rt ic le s a t a ny a ngl e of

t he ve hi cl e. So I d id no t s ee a nyt hi ng a t a ll odd a bou t t he wa y t he hor se w ent on a ga in. But I s aw i t

s ud de nl y i n t he f ac es o f a ll t he p eo pl e o n t he p av em en t. T he y w er e a ll t ur ne d t ow ar ds m e, a nd t he y w er ea ll s truc k wit h f ear s udde nl y, as wi th a whi te fl ame out of the s ky. And one ma n ha lf r an out i nt o t he r oa d

wi th a m ove me nt of t he e lbow a s i f wa rd ing of f a bl ow , a nd t ri ed t o s to p t he hor se . The n I kn ew t ha t t he

r ei ns w er e l os t, a nd t he n ex t m om en t t he h or se w as l ik e a l iv in g t hu nd er -b ol t. I t ry t o d es cr ib e t hi ng s

e xa ct ly a s t he y s ee me d t o m e; m an y d et ai ls I m ay h av e m is se d o r m is -s ta te d; m an y d et ai ls m ay h av e, s o

t o s pe ak, go ne ma d i n t he r ac e do wn t he r oa d. I r em emb er t ha t I o nc e c al le d o ne of m y e xpe ri enc es

na rr at ed i n t hi s pa pe r “ A Fr agm ent of F ac t. ” T hi s i s, a t a ny r at e, a f ra gme nt of f ac t. N o f ac t c oul d

possibly be more fragmentary than the sort of fact that I expected to be at the bottom of that street.

. . . . .

I b el ie ve i n p re ac hi ng t o t he c on ve rt ed ; f or I h av e g en er al ly f ou nd t ha t t he c on ve rt ed d o n ot u nd er st an d

t he ir o wn r el ig io n. T hu s I h av e a lw ay s u rg ed i n t hi s p ape r t ha t d em oc ra cy h as a d ee pe r m ea ni ng t ha n

d em ocrats u nd er st an d; t hat i s, t hat com mo n and p op ul ar t hi ng s, p ro verb s, and o rd in ar y s ay in gs alw ay s

h av e s om et hi ng i n t he m u nr ea li se d b y m os t w ho r ep ea t t he m. H er e i s o ne . W e h av e a ll h ea rd a bo ut t he

m an w ho i s i n m om ent ar y d an ge r, a nd w ho s ee s t he w ho le of h is l if e p as s b ef or e h im i n a m om ent . I n t he

col d, l it er al , and com mo n s en se o f w or ds , t hi s i s o bv io us ly a t hu nd er in g l ie. N ob od y can p retend t hat i n

a n a cc id en t o r a m or ta l c ri si s h e e la bo ra te ly r em em be re d a ll t he t ic ke ts h e h ad e ve r t ak en t o W im bl ed on ,

o r a ll t he t im es t ha t h e h ad e ve r pa ss ed t he b ro wn b re ad a nd b ut te r.

B ut i n t ho se f ew m om en ts , w hi le m y c ab w as t ea ri ng t ow ar ds t he t ra ff ic o f t he S tr an d, I d is co ve re d t ha t

t he re i s a t ru th b eh in d t hi s p hr as e, a s t he re i s b eh in d a ll p op ul ar p hr as es . I d id r ea ll y h av e, i n t ha t s ho rt

a nd s hr ie ki ng p er io d, a r ap id s uc ce ss io n o f a n um be r o f f un da me nt al p oi nt s o f v ie w. I h ad , s o t o s pe ak ,

abo ut f iv e r el ig io ns i n alm os t as m an y s econ ds . M y f ir st r el ig io n w as p ur e P ag an is m, w hi ch amo ng s in cere


P a g e 1 1




m en i s m or e s ho rt ly d es cr ib ed a s e xt re me f ea r. T he n t he re s uc ce ed ed a s ta te o f m in d w hi ch i s q ui te r ea l,

but for which no proper name has ever been found. The ancients called it Stoicism, and I think it must be

w hat s om e G er man l un at ics m ean ( if t hey m ean any th in g) w hen t hey t al k abo ut P es si mi sm . I t w as an

e mpt y a nd ope n a cc ept an ce o f t he t hi ng t ha t ha pp ens — a s i f one ha d go t b eyond t he va lue of i t. And

then, curiously enough, came a very strong contrary feeling—that things mattered very much indeed, and

y et t hat t hey w er e s om et hi ng m or e t han t ragi c. I t w as a f eeli ng , n ot t hat l if e w as u ni mp or tant , b ut t hat l if e

w as m uc h t oo i mp or ta nt e ve r t o b e a ny th ing b ut l if e. I h op e t ha t t hi s w as C hr is ti an it y. A t a ny r at e, i to cc ur re d a t t he m om en t w he n w e w en t c ra sh i nt o t he o mn ib us .

I t s ee me d t o m e t ha t t he h ans om c ab s im pl y t ur ne d o ve r on t op of me , l ike a n e nor mo us hoo d or ha t. I

t hen f ou nd m ys el f crawl in g o ut f ro m u nd er neat h i t i n att it ud es s o u nd ig ni fi ed t hat t hey m us t h av e add ed

eno rm ou sl y t o t hat g reat cau se t o w hi ch t he A nt i- Pu ri tan L eagu e and I h av e r ecen tl y d ed icat ed o ur selv es .

I m ea n t he c au se of t he pl ea su re s o f t he pe opl e. A s t o m y de me ano ur wh en I e me rge d, I ha ve t wo

c on fe ss io ns t o m ak e, a nd t he y a re b ot h m ad e m er el y i n t he i nt er es ts o f m en ta l s ci en ce . T he f ir st i s t ha t

whe re as I had be en i n a qui te pi ous fr ame of mi nd t he mome nt be for e t he c oll isi on, whe n I got t o my f eet

and f ound I ha d got off wit h a c ut or t wo I be ga n ( like St. Pe ter ) to curse and to swea r. A ma n of fe red

m e a n ew sp ap er o r s om et hi ng t ha t I h ad d ro pp ed . I c an d is ti nc tl y r em em be r c on si gn in g t he p ap er t o as ta te o f i rr em ed ia bl e s pi ri tu al r ui n. I a m v er y s or ry f or t hi s n ow , a nd I a po lo gi se b ot h t o t he m an a nd t o

t he pa pe r. I ha ve not the l ea st i dea wha t wa s t he me aning of t hi s unna tura l a nge r; I me nt ion it a s a

psychological confession. It was immediately followed by extreme hilarity, and I made so many silly jokes

t o t he p ol icem an t hat h e d is gr aced h im self b y con ti nu al l au gh ter b ef or e all t he l it tl e b oy s i n t he s tr eet, w ho

had hitherto taken him seriously.

. . . . .

T he re i s on e o th er o dd t hi ng a bo ut t he m at te r w hi ch I a ls o m en ti on a s a c ur io si ty o f t he h um an b ra in o r

d ef iciency o f b rain . A t i nt er vals o f abo ut every t hr ee m in ut es I k ep t o n r em in di ng t he p ol icem an t hat I h ad

not pa id t he c ab ma n, a nd t ha t I hope d he woul d not l os e hi s m one y. He s ai d i t wo ul d be a ll r ig ht , a nd t hem an w ou ld a pp ea r. B ut i t w as n ot u nt il a bo ut ha lf a n h our a ft er wa rd s t ha t i t s ud de nl y s tr uc k m e w it h a

s ho ck i nt ol er ab le t ha t t he m an m igh t c on ce iv ab ly ha ve l os t m or e t ha n h al f a c row n; t ha t h e h ad b ee n i n

d an ge r a s w el l a s I . I h ad i ns ti nc ti ve ly r eg ar de d t he c ab ma n a s s om et hi ng u pl if te d a bo ve a cc id en ts , a g od .

I i mm ed ia te ly m ad e i nq ui ri es , a nd I a m h ap py t o s ay t ha t t he y s ee me d t o h av e b ee n u nn ec es sa ry .

B ut h en ce fo rw ar d I s ha ll a lw ay s u nd er st an d w it h a d ar ke r a nd m or e d el ic at e c ha ri ty t ho se w ho t ak e

t yt he o f m in t, a nd a ni se , a nd c um in , a nd n eg le ct t he w ei gh ti er m at te rs o f t he l aw ; I s ha ll r em em be r h ow I

w as o nc e r ea ll y t or tu re d w it h o wi ng h al f a c ro wn t o a m an w ho m ig ht h av e b ee n d ea d. S om e a dm ir ab le

m en i n w hi te c oa ts a t t he C ha ri ng C ro ss H os pi ta l t ie d u p m y s ma ll i nj ur y, a nd I w en t o ut a ga in i nt o t he

S tr and . I f el t u po n m e e ve n a k in d o f u nn at ur al y ou th ; I h un ge re d f or s om et hi ng u nt ri ed . S o t o o pe n ane w cha pt er i n my l if e I got i nt o a ha ns om c ab.

VII. The Advantages of Having One Leg

A f ri en d o f m in e w ho w as v is it in g a p oo r w om an i n b er ea ve me nt a nd c as ti ng a bo ut f or s om e p hr as e o f

c on so la ti on t ha t s ho ul d n ot b e e it he r i ns ol en t o r w ea k, s ai d a t l as t, “ I t hi nk o ne c an l iv e t hr ou gh t he se

g re at s or ro ws a nd e ve n b e t he b et te r. W ha t w ea rs o ne i s t he l it tl e w or ri es .” “ Th at 's q ui te r ig ht , m um ,”

a ns we re d t he o ld w om an w it h e mp ha si s, “ an d I o ug ht t o k no w, s ee in g I 'v e h ad t en o f ' em .” I t i s, p er ha ps ,

i n t hi s s ens e t ha t i t i s m os t t ru e t ha t l it tl e w or ri es a re m os t w ea ri ng. I n i ts v agu er s ig ni fi ca nc e t he p hr as e,t ho ug h i t con tain s a t ru th , con tain s als o s om e p os si bi li ti es o f s el f- decept io n and err or . P eo pl e w ho h av e

both small troubles and big ones have the right to say that they find the small ones the most bitter; and it is


P a g e 1 2




u nd ou bt ed ly t ru e t ha t t he b ac k w hi ch i s b ow ed u nd er l oa ds i nc re di bl e c an f ee l a f ai nt a dd it io n t o t ho se

l oads ; a g iant h ol di ng u p t he ear th and all i ts ani mal creat io n m ig ht s ti ll f in d t he g rass ho pp er a b ur den. B ut

I a m a fr ai d t ha t t he m ax im t ha t t he s ma ll es t w or ri es a re t he w or st i s s om et im es u se d o r a bu se d b y p eo pl e,

because they have nothing but the very smallest worries. The lady may excuse herself for reviling the

cru mp led r os e l eaf b y r ef lect in g w it h w hat ext raor di nary d ig ni ty s he w ou ld w ear t he cro wn o f t ho rn s— if

s he h ad t o. T he g en tl em an m ay p er mi t h im self t o cur se t he d in ner and t el l h im self t hat h e w ou ld b eh av e

m uc h be tt er i f i t we re a m er e m at te r of s ta rv at ion . We n ee d not de ny t ha t t he gr as sho ppe r on m an' ss ho ul de r i s a b ur de n; b ut w e n ee d n ot p ay m uc h r es pe ct t o t he g en tl em an w ho i s a lw ay s c al li ng o ut t ha t

h e w ou ld r at he r h av e a n e le ph an t w he n h e k no ws t he re a re n o e le ph an ts i n t he c ou nt ry . W e m ay c on ce de

that a stra w may bre ak the camel' s bac k, but we l ike to know tha t i t r eall y is the la st str aw and not t he

first.

I g ra nt t ha t t ho se w ho h av e s er io us w ro ng s h av e a r ea l r ig ht t o g ru mb le , s o l on g a s t he y g ru mb le a bo ut

s om et hi ng els e. I t i s a s in gu lar f act t hat i f t hey are s an e t hey alm os t alw ay s d o g ru mb le abo ut s om et hi ng

e ls e. T o t al k q ui te r ea so na bl y a bo ut y ou r o wn q ui te r ea l w ro ng s i s t he q ui ck es t w ay t o g o o ff y ou r h ea d.

B ut p eo pl e w it h g re at t ro ub le s t al k a bo ut l it tl e o ne s, a nd t he m an w ho c om pl ai ns o f t he c ru mp le d r os e

l ea f ve ry of te n ha s hi s f le sh f ul l of t he t ho rn s. B ut i f a m an h as c omm on ly a ve ry c le ar a nd ha ppy d ai ly l if et he n I t hi nk w e a re j us ti fi ed i n a sk in g t ha t h e s ha ll n ot m ak e m oun ta in s o ut of m ol eh il ls . I do no de ny t ha t

m ol eh il ls can s om et im es b e i mp or tant . S mall ann oy an ces h av e t hi s evi l abo ut t hem, t hat t hey can b e m or e

a br up t b ec au se t he y a re m or e i nv is ib le ; t he y c as t n o s ha do w b ef or e, t he y h av e n o a tm os ph er e. N o o ne

ever h ad a m ys ti cal p remo ni ti on t hat h e w as g oi ng t o t um bl e o ver a h as so ck . W il li am I II . d ied b y f al li ng

o ve r a m ol eh il l; I d o n ot s up po se t ha t w it h a ll hi s va ri ed a bi li ti es h e c ou ld h av e m an ag ed t o f al l ov er a

m ou nt ai n. B ut w he n a ll t hi s i s a ll ow ed f or , I r ep ea t t ha t w e m ay a sk a h ap py m an ( no t W il li am I II .) t o p ut

u p w it h p ur e i ncon veni en ces, and even m ak e t hem p ar t o f h is h ap pi ness . O f p os it iv e p ai n o r p os it iv e

poverty I do not here speak. I speak of those innumerable accidental limitations that are always falling

acr os s o ur p at h— bad w eath er , con fi nement t o t hi s o r t hat h ou se o r r oo m, f ai lu re o f app oi nt ment s o r

arrangements, waiting at railway stations, missing posts, finding unpunctuality when we want punctuality,

o r, w ha t i s w or se , f in di ng p un ct ua li ty w he n w e d on 't . I t i s o f t he p oe ti c p le as ur es t o b e d ra wn f ro m a llt hese t hat I s in g— I s in g w it h con fi dence b ecau se I h av e r ecen tl y b een exp er im en ti ng i n t he p oeti c

pleasures which arise from having to sit in one chair with a sprained foot, with the only alternative course

of s ta nd ing on one l eg l ike a s tor k— a s to rk i s a poe ti c s imi le ; t he re for e I e age rl y a do pt ed i t.

T o app reci at e any th in g w e m us t alw ay s i so late i t, even i f t he t hi ng i ts el f s ym bo li se s om et hi ng o th er t han

i sola ti on. I f we wi sh t o s ee what a hous e i s i t mus t be a hous e in som e uninha bi ted la nds ca pe . I f we wi sh

to de pic t wha t a man r eal ly i s we mus t de pic t a man alone in a des er t or on a dark se a sa nd. So long as

he i s a s ing le f ig ur e he m ea ns a ll t ha t hu ma ni ty m ea ns ; s o l ong a s he i s s ol it ar y h e me an s hu ma n s oc ie ty; s o

l on g as h e i s s ol it ar y h e m eans s ociabi li ty and com radesh ip . A dd ano th er f ig ur e and t he p ictu re i s l es s

h um an —n ot m or e s o. O ne i s com pany , t wo i s n on e. I f y ou w is h t o s ym bo li se h um an b ui ld in g d raw o ned ar k t ow er o n t he h or iz on ; i f y ou w is h t o s ym bo li se l ig ht l et t he re b e n o s ta r i n t he s ky . I nd ee d, a ll

t hr ou gh t ha t s tr an ge ly l it s ea so n w hi ch w e c al l o ur d ay t he re i s b ut o ne s ta r i n t he s ky —a l ar ge , f ie rc e s ta r

w hi ch w e c al l t he s un. O ne s un i s s pl en di d; s ix s uns w ou ld b e o nl y v ul ga r. O ne To we r O f G io tt o i s

s ubl im e; a r ow of T owe rs of Gi ot to woul d be onl y l ike a r ow o f whi te pos ts . The po et ry of a rt i s i n

beholding the single tower; the poetry of nature in seeing the single tree; the poetry of love in following the

s in gl e w om an ; t he p oetr y o f r el ig io n i n w or sh ip pi ng t he s in gl e s tar. A nd s o, i n t he s am e p en si ve l ucid it y, I

f in d t he p oe tr y o f a ll hu ma n a na to my i n s ta nd ing o n a s in gl e l eg . T o e xp re ss c om pl et e a nd p er fe ct

l eg gi sh ness t he l eg m us t s tand i n s ub li me i so lati on , l ik e t he t ow er i n t he w il dern es s. A s I bs en s o f in el y

s ay s, t he s tr on ge st l eg i s t ha t w hi ch s ta nd s m os t a lo ne .

T hi s l on el y l eg o n w hi ch I r es t h as all t he s im pl icit y o f s om e D or ic col um n. T he s tu dent s o f archi tect ur e

t el l u s t hat t he o nl y l eg it im at e u se o f a col um n i s t o s up po rt w ei gh t. T hi s col um n o f m in e f ul fi ls i ts l eg it im at e

f un ct io n. I t s up po rt s w ei gh t. B ei ng o f an ani mal and o rg an ic con si st en cy , i t m ay even i mp ro ve b y t he


P a g e 1 3




process, and during these few days that I am thus unequally balanced, the helplessness or dislocation of

t he o ne l eg m ay f in d com pens at io n i n t he ast on is hi ng s tr en gt h and class ic b eaut y o f t he o th er l eg . M rs .

M ou nt st uart J en ki ns on i n M r. G eo rg e M er ed it h' s n ov el m ig ht p as s b y at any m om en t, and s eein g m e i n

t he s to rk -l ik e att it ud e w ou ld exclaim , w it h equ al adm ir at io n and a m or e l it er al exact it ud e, “He h as a l eg .”

Notice how this famous literary phrase supports my contention touching this isolation of any admirable

t hi ng . M rs . M ou nt st uart J en ki ns on , w is hi ng t o m ak e a clear and p er fect p ictu re o f h um an g race, s ai d t hat

S ir W il lo ug hb y P at tern e h ad a l eg . S he d el icat el y g lo ss ed o ver and con ceal ed t he clu ms y and o ff en si vef act t hat h e h ad r eall y t wo l eg s. T wo l eg s w er e s up er fl uo us and i rr el ev an t, a r ef lect io n, and a con fu si on .

T wo l eg s w ou ld h av e con fu sed M rs . M ou nt st uart J en ki ns on l ik e t wo M on um en ts i n L on do n. T hat h av in g

h ad o ne g oo d l eg h e s ho ul d h av e a no th er — t hi s w ou ld b e t o u se v ai n r ep et it io ns a s t he G en ti le s d o. S he

wo ul d ha ve be en a s muc h be wi lde re d b y hi m a s i f he ha d be en a c ent ip ede .

A ll p es si mi sm h as a s ecret o pt im is m f or i ts o bj ect. A ll s ur rend er o f l if e, all d en ial o f p leas ur e, all

d ar kn es s, a ll a us te ri ty , a ll d es ol at io n h as f or i ts r ea l a im t hi s s ep ar at io n o f s om et hi ng s o t ha t i t m ay b e

poignantly and perfectly enjoyed. I feel grateful for the slight sprain which has introduced this mysterious

a nd f as ci na ti ng d iv is io n b et we en on e of m y f ee t a nd t he o th er . T he w ay t o l ov e a nyt hi ng i s t o r ea li se t ha t i t

mi ght be los t. I n one of m y f ee t I c an f ee l how s tr ong a nd s pl endi d a f oot i s; i n t he ot he r I ca n r eal is e howv er y m uch o th er wi se i t m ig ht h av e b een. T he m or al o f t he t hi ng i s w ho ll y exh il ar at in g. T hi s w or ld and all

o ur p ow er s i n i t a re f ar m or e a wf ul a nd be au ti fu l t ha n e ve n w e k no w u nt il s om e a cc id ent r em in ds u s. I f

y ou w is h t o p er ceiv e t hat l im it less f el icit y, l im it y ou rs el f i f o nl y f or a m om en t. I f y ou w is h t o r eali se h ow

f earf ul ly and w on derf ul ly G od 's i mage i s m ad e, s tand o n o ne l eg . I f y ou w an t t o r eali se t he s pl en di d v is io n

o f all v is ib le t hi ng s— w in k t he o th er eye.

VIII. The End of the World

F or s om e t im e I h ad b ee n w an de ri ng i n q ui et s tr ee ts i n t he c ur io us t ow n o f B es an co n, w hi ch s ta nd s l ik ea s or t o f p en in su la i n a h or se -s ho e o f r iv er . Y ou m ay l ea rn f ro m t he g ui de b oo ks t ha t i t w as t he b ir th pl ac e

o f V ic to r H ug o, a nd t ha t i t i s a m il it ar y s ta ti on w it h m an y f or ts , n ea r t he Fr en ch f ron ti er . B ut y ou w il l no t

l ea rn f rom gui de boo ks t ha t t he ve ry t il es on t he r oof s s ee m t o be of s om e qu ai nt er a nd m or e d el ic at e

c ol ou r t ha n t he t il es of a ll t he o th er t ow ns o f t he w or ld ; t ha t t he t il es l oo k l ik e t he l it tl e c lou ds o f s om e

s tr an ge s un se t, or l ike t he l us tr ou s s ca le s of s om e s tr an ge f is h. T he y wi ll n ot t el l yo u t ha t i n t hi s t ow n t he

e ye c ann ot r es t o n a ny th in g w it ho ut f ind in g i t i n s om e w ay a tt ra ct iv e a nd e ve n e lv is h, a c ar ve d f ac e a t a

s tr ee t c or ne r, a g le am o f g re en f ie ld s t hr ou gh a s tu nt ed a rc h, o r s om e u ne xp ec te d c ol ou r f or t he e na me l

of a spi re or dome .

. . . . .

E ve ni ng w as c om in g o n a nd i n t he l ig ht o f i t a ll t he se c ol ou rs s o s im pl e a nd ye t s o s ub tl e s ee me d m or e

a nd mor e t o f it t oge the r a nd ma ke a f ai ry t al e. I s at down f or a li tt le o ut sid e a c af e wi th a r ow of l it tl e t oy

t re es i n f ront of i t, a nd pr es ent ly t he dr iv er of a f ly ( as we s houl d c al l i t) c ame t o t he s ame pl ac e. He w as

o ne o f t ho se v er y l ar ge a nd d ar k F re nc hm en , a t yp e n ot c om mo n b ut y et t yp ic al o f F ra nc e; t he

R ab el ai si an F renchm an , h ug e, s wart hy , p ur pl e- faced, a w al ki ng w in e- barr el ; h e w as a s or t o f S ou th er n

Falstaff, if one can imagine Falstaff anything but English. And, indeed, there was a vital difference, typical

o f t wo n at io ns . F or w hi le F al st af f w ou ld h av e b een s haki ng w it h h il ar it y l ik e a h ug e j el ly , f ul l o f t he b ro ad

f ar ce o f t he L on do n s tr eets , t hi s F renchm an w as r at her s ol em n and d ig ni fi ed t han o th er wi se— as i f

pleasure were a kind of pagan religion. After some talk which was full of the admirable civility and

equality of French civilisation, he suggested without either eagerness or embarrassment that he shouldt ak e m e i n h is f ly f or a n h ou r' s r id e i n t he hi ll s b ey ond t he t own . A nd t ho ug h i t w as g ro wi ng l at e I

c on se nt ed ; f or t he re w as o ne l on g w hi te r oa d u nd er a n a rc hw ay a nd r ou nd a h il l t ha t d ra gg ed m e l ik e a


P a g e 1 4




l on g w hi te c or d. W e d ro ve t hr ou gh t he s tr on g, s qu at g at ew ay t ha t w as m ad e b y R om an s, a nd I

r em em be r t he c oi nc id en ce l ik e a s or t o f o me n t ha t a s w e p as se d o ut o f t he c it y I h ea rd s im ul ta ne ou sl y t he

t hr ee s ou nd s w hi ch a re t he t ri ni ty o f F ra nc e. T he y m ak e w ha t s om e p oe t c al ls “ a t an gl ed t ri ni ty ,” a nd I

am n ot g oi ng t o d is en tang le i t. W hatever t ho se t hr ee t hi ng s m ean, h ow o r w hy t hey co- ex is t; w heth er t hey

c an b e r ec on ci le d o r p er ha ps a re r ec on ci le d a lr ea dy ; t he t hr ee s ou nd s I h ea rd t he n b y a n a cc id en t a ll a t

o nc e m ak e u p t he F re nc h m ys te ry . F or t he b ra ss b an d i n t he C as in o g ar de ns b eh in d m e w as p la yi ng w it h

a s or t o f p as si on at e l ev it y s om e r am pi ng t un e f ro m a P ar is ia n c om ic o pe ra , a nd w hi le t hi s w as go in g o n Ih ea rd a ls o t he b ug le s o n t he h il ls a bov e, t ha t t ol d o f t er ri bl e l oy al ti es a nd m en a lw ay s a rm in g i n t he g at e o f

F ra nc e; a nd I h ea rd a ls o, f ai nt er t ha n t he se s ou nd s a nd t hr ou gh t he m a ll , t he A ng el us .

. . . . .

A ft er t hi s c oi nc id en ce o f s ym bo ls I h ad a c ur io us s en se o f h av in g l ef t F ra nc e b eh in d m e, o r, p er ha ps ,

even t he civ il is ed w or ld . A nd , i nd eed, t here w as s om et hi ng i n t he l an ds cape w il d eno ug h t o encou rage

s uc h a f an cy . I h av e s ee n p er ha ps h ig he r m ou nt ai ns , b ut I h av e n ev er s ee n h ig he r r oc ks ; I h av e n ev er

s ee n h ei gh t s o n ea r, s o a br up t a nd s en sa ti on al , s pl in te rs o f r oc k t ha t s to od u p l ik e t he s pi re s o f c hu rc he s,

c li ff s t ha t f el l s ud de n a nd s tr ai gh t a s S at an f el l f ro m h ea ve n. T he re w as a ls o a q ua li ty i n t he r id e wh ic h w asn ot o nl y ast on is hi ng , b ut r at her b ew il deri ng ; a q uali ty w hi ch m an y m us t h av e n ot iced i f t hey h av e d ri ven o r

r id den r ap id ly u p m ou nt ai n r oads . I m ean a s en se o f g ig an ti c g yr at io n, as o f t he w ho le ear th t ur ni ng abo ut

o ne 's h ea d. I t i s q ui te i na de qu at e t o s ay t ha t t he h il ls r os e a nd f el l l ike e no rm ou s w av es . R at he r t he h il ls

s eemed t o t ur n abo ut m e l ik e t he eno rm ou s s ai ls o f a w in dm il l, a v as t w heel o f m on st ro us archang el ic

w in gs . A s w e dr ov e o n a nd u p i nt o t he g at he ri ng p ur pl e o f t he s un se t t hi s d iz zi ne ss i nc re as ed ,

c on fo un di ng t hi ng s a bo ve w it h t hi ng s b el ow . W id e w al ls o f w oo de d r oc k s to od o ut a bo ve m y h ea d l ik e a

r oo f. I s ta re d a t t he m u nt il I f anc ie d t ha t I wa s s ta ri ng d own a t a wo ode d p la in . Be low m e s te eps o f g re en

s we pt dow n t o t he r iv er . I s ta re d a t t he m un ti l I f anc ie d t ha t t he y s we pt up t o t he s ky. T he pur pl e

d ar ke ne d, n ig ht d re w n ea re r; i t s ee me d o nl y t o c ut c le ar er t he c ha sm s a nd d ra w h ig he r t he s pi re s o f t ha t

n igh tm ar e l an ds ca pe . A bov e m e i n t he t wi li gh t w as t he hu ge b la ck h ul k o f t he dr iv er , a nd h is b ro ad , bl an k

back was as mysterious as the back of Death in Watts' picture. I felt that I was growing too fantastic, andI s ou gh t t o s pe ak o f o rd in ar y t hi ng s. I c al le d o ut t o t he d ri ve r i n F re nc h, “ Wh er e a re y ou t ak in g m e? ” a nd

i t i s a l it er al a nd s ol em n f ac t t ha t h e a ns we re d m e i n t he s am e l an gu age wi th out t ur ni ng a ro und , “ To t he

e nd o f t he w or ld .”

I di d not a ns we r. I l et hi m dr ag t he ve hi cl e up da rk, s te ep wa ys , unt il I s aw li gh ts unde r a l ow ro of of

l it tl e t rees and t wo chi ld ren, o ne o dd ly b eaut if ul , p layi ng at b al l. T hen w e f ou nd o ur selv es f il li ng u p t he

s tr ic t m ai n s tr ee t o f a t in y ha ml et , a nd a cr os s t he w al l o f i ts i nn w as w ri tt en i n l ar ge l et te rs , L E B OU T D U

M ON DE —t he e nd o f t he w or ld .

T he d ri ve r a nd I s at d ow n o ut si de t ha t i nn w it ho ut a w or d, a s i f a ll c er em on ie s w er e n at ur al a ndu nd er st oo d i n t ha t u lt im at e p la ce . I o rd er ed br ea d f or b ot h of us , a nd r ed w in e, t ha t wa s g oo d b ut ha d n o

na me . On the other s ide of the r oad wa s a litt le pl ain c hurch wit h a cross on top of it and a cock on top

of the cros s. This see me d to me a very good end of the world; if the story of the wor ld ended he re it

e nd ed w el l. T he n I w on de re d w he th er I m ys el f s ho ul d r ea ll y b e c on te nt t o e nd h er e, w he re m os t c er ta in ly

t he re w er e t he b es t t hi ng s o f C hr is te nd om —a c hu rc h a nd c hi ld re n' s g am es a nd d ec en t s oi l a nd a t av er n

f or m en to t al k wit h me n. B ut a s I t hought a s ingul ar doubt a nd de sir e gr ew sl owl y i n me , a nd a t la st I

s t ar t ed u p.

“ Ar e y ou n ot s at is fi ed ?” a sk ed m y c om pa ni on . “ No ,” I s ai d, “ I a m n ot s at is fi ed e ve n a t t he e nd o f t he

world.”

The n, a ft er a s il enc e, I s ai d, “ Be ca us e you s ee t he re a re t wo e nds o f t he wo rl d. And t hi s i s t he w ron g

end of the world; a t le ast the wrong one for me. This is the French end of the world. I want the other end


P a g e 1 5




of t he wor ld. D ri ve me t o t he ot he r e nd o f t he wo rl d.”

“ Th e o th er e nd o f t he w or ld ?” h e a sk ed . “ Wh er e i s t ha t? ”

“ It i s i n W al ha m G re en ,” I w hi sp er ed h oa rs el y. “ Yo u s ee i t o n t he L on do n o mn ib us es . ' Wo rl d' s E nd a nd

W al ha m G re en .' Oh , I kn ow ho w good t hi s i s; I l ove yo ur v ine ya rds a nd you r f re e p ea sa nt ry, bu t I wa nt

t he En gl is h e nd of t he w or ld . I l ov e y ou l ik e a br ot he r, bu t I w an t a n E ng li sh c abm an , w ho wi ll b e f un nya nd a sk m e wh at hi s f ar e ' is .' Y ou r b ug le s s ti r m y bl ood , bu t I w an t t o s ee a L ond on po li ce ma n. T ak e,

oh , t ak e me t o s ee a L on do n po li ce ma n.”

He s to od qui te d ar k a nd s ti ll a ga ins t t he e nd o f t he s uns et , a nd I c oul d no t t el l whe the r he un de rs tood o r

n ot . I g ot b ac k i nt o h is c ar ri ag e.

“ Yo u w il l u nd er st an d, ” I s ai d, “ if e ve r y ou a re a n e xi le e ve n f or pl ea su re . T he c hi ld t o h is m ot he r, t he

ma n t o hi s c ount ry , a s a c oun tr yma n of your s onc e s ai d. B ut s inc e, pe rh aps , i t i s r at he r t oo l ong a d ri ve t o

t he E ng li sh e nd o f t he w or ld , w e m ay a s w el l d ri ve b ac k t o B es an co n. ”

O nl y a s t he s ta rs c am e o ut a mo ng t ho se i mm or ta l h il ls I w ep t f or W al ha m G re en .

I X. I n t he P la ce d e L a Ba st il le

On t he fi rst of Ma y I wa s s it ti ng outs ide a c af e i n t he Pla ce de l a Ba sti lle i n Pa ri s s ta ring a t t he e xul ta nt

col um n, cro wn ed w it h a cap er in g f ig ur e, w hi ch s tand s i n t he p lace w here t he p eo pl e d es tr oy ed a p ri so n

a nd e nd ed a n a ge . T he t hi ng i s a c ur io us e xa mp le o f h ow s ym bol ic i s t he g re at pa rt o f h um an h is to ry . A s

a m at te r o f m er e m at er ia l f ac t, t he B as ti ll e w he n i t w as t ak en w as n ot a h or ri bl e p ri so n; i t w as h ar dl y a

prison at all. But it was a symbol, and the people always go by a sure instinct for symbols; for theC hi naman, f or i ns tance, at t he l as t G en er al E lect io n, o r f or P resi dent K ru ger' s h at i n t he elect io n b ef or e;

t heir p oeti c s en se i s p er fect . T he C hi naman w it h h is p ig tail i s n ot an i dl e f li pp an cy . H e d oes t yp if y w it h a

com pact p reci si on exact ly t he t hi ng t he p eo pl e r es en t i n A fr ican p ol icy, t he ali en and g ro tesq ue n at ur e o f

t he powe r of w ea lt h, t he f ac t t ha t m one y ha s n o r oo ts , t ha t i t i s not a na tur al a nd f ami li ar p owe r, but a

s or t o f a ir y a nd e vi l m ag ic c al li ng m on st er s f ro m t he e nd s o f t he e ar th . T he p eo pl e h at e t he m in e o wn er

w ho c an b ri ng a C hi na ma n f ly in g a cr os s t he s ea , e xa ct ly a s t he p eo pl e h at ed t he w iz ar d w ho c ou ld f et ch

a f ly in g d ra go n t hr ou gh t he a ir . I t w as t he s am e w it h M r. K ru ge r' s h at . H is h at ( th at a dm ir ab le h at ) w as

n ot m er el y a j ok e. I t d id s ym bo li se, and s ym bo li se ext remely w el l, t he exact t hi ng w hi ch o ur p eo pl e at

that moment regarded with impatience and venom; the old-fashioned, dingy, Republican simplicity, the

u nb eaut if ul d ig ni ty o f t he b ou rg eo is , and t he h eavi er t ru is ms o f p ol it ical m or al it y. N o; t he p eo pl e are

s om et im es w ro ng o n t he p ract ical s id e o f p ol it ics; t hey are n ev er w ro ng o n t he art is ti c s id e.

. . . . .

S o i t w as , cer tain ly , w it h t he B as ti ll e. T he d es tr ucti on o f t he B as ti ll e w as n ot a r ef or m; i t w as s om et hi ng

m or e i mp or ta nt t ha n a r ef or m. I t w as a n i co no cl as m; i t w as t he b re ak in g o f a s to ne i ma ge . T he p eo pl e

s aw t he bu il di ng l ike a gi an t l ooki ng a t t he m w ith a s cor e of e ye s, a nd t he y s tr uc k a t i t a s a t a c ar ve d f ac t.

F or o f all t he s hapes i n w hi ch t hat i mm en se i ll us io n cal led m at er iali sm can t er ri fy t he s ou l, p er haps t he

m os t o ppr es si ve a re bi g b ui ldi ng s. M an f ee ls l ike a f ly , a n a cc id en t, i n t he t hi ng he ha s h im se lf m ade . I t

r eq ui res a v io lent eff or t o f t he s pi ri t t o r em em ber t hat m an m ad e t hi s con fo un di ng t hi ng and m an cou ld

u nm ak e i t. T he re fo re t he m er e a ct o f t he r ag ge d p eo pl e i n t he s tr ee t t ak in g a nd d es tr oy in g a h ug e p ub li c building has a spiritual, a ritual meaning far beyond its immediate political results. It is a religious service.

I f, f or i ns ta nc e, t he S oc ia li st s w er e n um er ou s o r c ou ra ge ou s e no ug h t o c ap tu re a nd s ma sh u p t he B an k o f


P a g e 1 6




E ngl an d, y ou m igh t a rgu e f or e ve r a bo ut t he i nu ti li ty o f t he a ct , a nd h ow i t r ea ll y d id n ot t ouc h t he r oot o f

t he eco no mi c p ro bl em i n t he cor rect m an ner. B ut m an ki nd w ou ld n ev er f or get i t. I t w ou ld chang e t he

world.

A rc hi te ct ur e i s a v er y g ood t es t of t he t ru e s tr en gt h of a s oc ie ty , f or t he m os t v al ua bl e t hi ng s i n a h um an

s tate are t he i rr ev ocab le t hi ng s— mar ri ag e, f or i ns tance. A nd archi tect ur e app ro aches n earer t han any

ot he r a rt t o be ing i rr evoc abl e, be ca us e i t i s s o di ff ic ul t t o ge t ri d of . Y ou c an t ur n a pi ct ur e wi th i ts f ac e t ot he wa ll ; i t woul d b e a nui sa nc e t o t ur n t ha t Rom an c at he dra l wi th i ts f ac e to t he wa ll . Y ou c an t ea r a

poem to pieces; it is only in moments of very sincere emotion that you tear a town-hall to pieces. A

building is akin to dogma; it is insolent, like a dogma. Whether or no it is permanent, it claims permanence

l ik e a d og ma. P eo pl e ask w hy w e h av e n o t yp ical archi tect ur e o f t he m od er n w or ld , l ik e i mp ress io ni sm i n

painting. Surely it is obviously because we have not enough dogmas; we cannot bear to see anything in

t he s ky t ha t i s s ol id a nd e nd ur in g, a ny th in g i n t he s ky t ha t d oe s no t c ha nge l ik e t he c lo ud s o f t he s ky . B ut

alo ng w it h t hi s d ecis io n w hi ch i s i nv ol ved i n creat in g a b ui ld in g, t here g oes a q ui te s im il ar d ecis io n i n t he

m or e d el igh tf ul t as k o f s ma shi ng on e. T he t wo o f ne ce ss it y go t oge the r. I n f ew p la ce s h ave s o m an y f in e

public buildings been set up as here in Paris, and in few places have so many been destroyed. When

people have finally got into the horrible habit of preserving buildings, they have got out of the habit of building them. And in London one mingles, as it were, one's tears because so few are pulled down.

. . . . .

A s I s at s ta ri ng a t t he c ol um n o f t he B as ti ll e, i ns cr ib ed t o L ib er ty a nd G lo ry , t he re c am e o ut o f o ne

c or ne r o f t he s qu ar e ( wh ic h, l ik e s o m an y s uc h s qua re s, w as a t on ce c ro wd ed a nd q ui et ) a s udd en a nd

s il en t l in e of h or se me n. T he ir d re ss w as o f a d ul l bl ue , p la in a nd p ro sa ic e nou gh , b ut t he s un s et o n f ir e t he

brass and steel of their helmets; and their helmets were carved like the helmets of the Romans. I had seen

t he m b y t wos a nd t hr ee s o ft en e no ug h b ef or e. I ha d s ee n p le nt y of t he m i n p ic tu re s t oi li ng t hr oug h t he

s no ws o f F ri ed la nd o r r oa ri ng r ou nd t he s qu ar es a t W at er lo o. B ut n ow t he y c am e f il e a ft er f il e, l ik e a n

i nv as io n, and s om et hi ng i n t heir n um bers , o r i n t he eveni ng l ig ht t hat l it u p t heir f aces and t heir crest s, o r s om et hi ng i n t he r ev er ie i nt o w hi ch t he y br oke , m ade m e i nc li ne d t o s pr in g t o m y f ee t a nd c ry o ut , “ The

F re nc h s ol di er s! ” T he re w er e t he l it tl e m en w it h t he b ro wn f ac es t ha t h ad s o o ft en r id de n t hr ou gh t he

c api ta ls of E ur ope a s c oo ll y a s t he y now r od e t hr oug h t he ir ow n. An d w he n I l ook ed a cr os s t he s qu ar e I

s aw t ha t t he t wo o th er c or ne rs w er e c ho ke d w it h b lu e a nd r ed ; h el d b y l it tl e g ro up s o f i nf an tr y. T he c it y

w as g ar ri so ned as again st a r ev ol ut io n.

Of c ou rs e, I ha d h ea rd a ll a bout t he s tr ike , c hi ef ly f rom a ba ke r. H e s ai d h e w as no t g oi ng t o “ Cho me r. ”

I s ai d, “ Qu 'e st -c e q ue c 'e st q ue l e c ho me ?” H e s ai d, “ Il s n e v eu le nt p as t ra va il le r. ” I s ai d, “ Ni m oi n on

plus,” and he thought I was a class-conscious collectivist proletarian. The whole thing was curious, and

the true mor al of i t one not ea sy for us , a s a na tion, to gras p, be cause our own faults are s o de eply a nddangerously in the other direction. To me, as an Englishman (personally steeped in the English optimism

and t he E ng li sh d is li ke o f s ev er it y) , t he w ho le t hi ng s eemed a f us s abo ut n ot hi ng . I t l oo ked l ik e t ur ni ng o ut

o ne o f t he b es t arm ies i n E ur op e again st o rd in ar y p eo pl e w al ki ng abo ut t he s tr eet. T he cav al ry charg ed

us onc e or t wi ce , mor e or le ss ha rml es sl y. B ut , of c ours e, i t i s ha rd t o s ay how f ar i n s uc h c rit ic is ms one

i s a ss umi ng t he Fr enc h popul ac e t o be (w ha t i t i s not ) a s doc il e a s t he E ngl is h. Bu t t he de epe r t rut h of th e

m at ter t in gl ed , s o t o s peak , t hr ou gh t he w ho le n oi sy n ig ht . T hi s p eo pl e h as a n at ur al f acul ty f or f eeli ng

i ts el f o n t he e ve o f s om et hi ng —o f t he B ar tho lo me w o r t he R ev ol ut io n o r t he Co mm un e o r t he D ay o f

J ud gm en t. I t i s t hi s s en se o f cri si s t hat m ak es F rance etern al ly y ou ng . I t i s p er petu al ly p ul li ng d ow n and

building up, as it pulled down the prison and put up the column in the Place de La Bastille. France has

alw ay s b een at t he p oi nt o f d is so lu ti on . S he h as f ou nd t he o nl y m et ho d o f i mm or tali ty . S he d ies d ai ly .


P a g e 1 7




X. On Lying in Bed

L yi ng i n b ed w ou ld b e a n a lt og et he r p er fe ct a nd s up re me e xp er ie nc e i f o nl y o ne h ad a c ol ou re d p en ci l

l on g e no ug h t o d ra w o n t he c ei li ng . T hi s, h ow ev er , i s n ot g en er al ly a p ar t of t he d om es ti c a pp ar at us o n

t he p remi ses. I t hi nk m ys el f t hat t he t hi ng m ig ht b e m an ag ed w it h s ev er al p ai ls o f A sp in al l and a b ro om .

O nl y i f o ne w or ke d i n a r ea ll y s we ep in g a nd m as te rl y w ay , a nd l ai d o n t he c ol ou r i n g re at w as he s, i t

m ig ht d ri p d ow n a ga in o n on e' s f ac e i n f lo ods of r ic h a nd m ing le d c ol ou r l ike s om e s tr an ge f ai ry r ai n; a nd

t ha t w ou ld h av e i ts d is ad va nt ag es . I a m a fr ai d i t w ou ld b e n ec es sa ry t o s ti ck t o b la ck a nd w hi te i n t hi s

f or m o f art is ti c com po si ti on . T o t hat p ur po se, i nd eed, t he w hi te cei li ng w ou ld b e o f t he g reat es t p os si bl e

use ; in fac t, it is t he only us e I think of a whit e ce il ing bei ng put to.

B ut f or t he b ea ut if ul e xpe ri me nt o f l yi ng i n b ed I m ig ht n ev er h ave d is co ve re d i t. F or y ea rs I ha ve b ee n

l ooki ng f or s om e bl ank s pa ce s i n a mo de rn hous e t o dr aw on. Pa pe r i s mu ch t oo s ma ll f or a ny r ea ll y

a ll eg or ic al de si gn ; a s C yr an o d e B er ge ra c s ay s, “ Il m e f au t d es g ea nt s. ” B ut w he n I t ri ed t o f in d t he se f in e

c le ar s pa ce s i n t he m od er n r oo ms s uc h a s w e a ll l iv e i n I w as c ont in ua ll y d is ap po in te d. I f ou nd a n e nd le ss

pattern and complication of small objects hung like a curtain of fine links between me and my desire. I

e xa mi ne d t he w al ls ; I f ou nd t he m t o m y s ur pr is e t o b e a lr ea dy c ov er ed w it h w al lp ap er , a nd I f ou nd t hew al lp ap er t o b e alr eady cov er ed w it h u ni nt er es ti ng i mages, all b eari ng a r id icul ou s r es em bl an ce t o each

o th er . I cou ld n ot u nd er st an d w hy o ne arb it rary s ym bo l ( a s ym bo l app ar en tl y ent ir el y d ev oi d o f any

r el ig io us o r p hi lo so ph ical s ig ni fi cance) s ho ul d t hu s b e s pr in kl ed all o ver m y n ice w al ls l ik e a s or t o f

s mall -p ox . T he B ib le m us t b e r ef er ri ng t o w al lp ap er s, I t hi nk , w hen i t s ay s, “Us e n ot v ai n r ep et it io ns , as

t he G en ti les d o. ” I f ou nd t he T ur key car pet a m as s o f u nm eani ng col ou rs , r at her l ik e t he T ur ki sh E mp ir e,

o r l ik e t he s weet meat cal led T ur ki sh D el ig ht . I d o n ot exact ly k no w w hat T ur ki sh D el ig ht r eall y i s; b ut I

s up po se i t i s M aced on ian M as sacr es . E very wh er e t hat I w en t f or lo rn ly , w it h m y p en ci l o r m y p ai nt b ru sh ,

I f ou nd t hat o th er s h ad u naccou nt ab ly b een b ef or e m e, s po il in g t he w al ls , t he cur tain s, and t he f ur ni tu re

with their childish and barbaric designs.

. . . . .

N ow he re d id I f in d a r ea ll y c le ar s pa ce f or s ke tc hi ng u nt il t hi s o cc as io n w he n I p ro lo ng ed b ey on d t he

proper limit the process of lying on my back in bed. Then the light of that white heaven broke upon my

v is io n, t hat b read th o f m er e w hi te w hi ch i s i nd eed alm os t t he d ef in it io n o f P ar ad is e, s in ce i t m eans p ur it y

a nd a ls o m ea ns f re ed om . B ut a la s! l ike a ll h ea ve ns , n ow t ha t i t i s s ee n i t i s f ou nd t o b e u na tt ai na bl e; i t

l oo ks m or e a us te re a nd m or e d is ta nt t ha n t he b lu e s ky o ut si de t he w in do w. F or m y p ro po sa l t o p ai nt o n

i t w it h t he b ri st ly e nd o f a b ro om h as b ee n d is co ur ag ed — n ev er m in d b y w ho m; b y a p er so n d eb ar re d

f ro m a ll p ol it ic al r ig ht s— a nd e ve n m y m in or pr op os al t o p ut t he o th er e nd o f t he br oo m i nt o t he k it ch en

f ir e a nd t ur n i t t o c ha rc oa l ha s not be en c on ce de d. Y et I a m c er ta in t ha t i t wa s f ro m pe rs on s i n m y

position that all the original inspiration came for covering the ceilings of palaces and cathedrals with a rioto f f al le n a ng el s o r vi ct or io us g od s. I a m s ur e t ha t i t w as o nl y be ca us e M ic ha el A ng el o w as e nga ge d i n t he

a nc ie nt a nd h on ou ra bl e o cc up at ion o f l yi ng i n b ed t ha t h e e ve r r ea li ze d h ow t he r oo f o f t he S is ti ne C ha pe l

m ig ht b e m ad e i nt o a n a wf ul i mi ta ti on o f a di vi ne dr am a t ha t c oul d o nl y be a ct ed i n t he he ave ns .

T he t on e n ow com mo nl y t ak en t ow ar d t he p ract ice o f l yi ng i n b ed i s h yp ocri ti cal and u nh ealt hy . O f all

t he m ar ks o f m od er ni ty t ha t s ee m t o m ea n a k in d o f d ec ad en ce , t he re i s n on e m or e m en ac in g a nd

d an gero us t han t he exu lt at io n o f v er y s mall and s econ dary m at ters o f con du ct at t he exp en se o f v er y

g re at a nd p ri ma ry o ne s, a t t he e xp en se o f e te rn al t ie s a nd t ra gi c h um an m or al it y. I f t he re i s o ne t hi ng

w or se t han t he m od er n w eakeni ng o f m aj or m or al s, i t i s t he m od er n s tr en gt heni ng o f m in or m or al s. T hu s

i t i s c on si de re d m or e w it he ri ng t o a cc us e a m an o f b ad t as te t ha n o f b ad e th ic s. C le an li ne ss i s n ot n ex t t og od li ness n ow ad ay s, f or clean li ness i s m ad e ess en ti al and g od li ness i s r eg ar ded as an o ff en ce. A

playwright can attack the institution of marriage so long as he does not misrepresent the manners of


P a g e 1 8




s oc ie ty , a nd I h av e m et I bs en it e p es si mi st s w ho t ho ug ht i t w ro ng t o t ak e b ee r b ut r ig ht t o t ak e p ru ss ic

aci d. E sp eciall y t hi s i s s o i n m at ters o f h yg iene; n ot ab ly s uch m at ters as l yi ng i n b ed . I ns tead o f b ei ng

r ega rd ed , a s i t o ug ht t o b e, a s a m at te r of p er so na l c onv en ie nc e a nd a dj us tm ent , i t ha s c om e t o b e

r ega rde d by ma ny a s i f i t we re a par t of e ss ent ia l m ora ls t o ge t up e ar ly i n t he mor ning. I t is upon the

w ho le p ar t o f p ra ct ic al w is do m; b ut t he re i s n ot hi ng g oo d a bo ut i t o r b ad a bo ut i ts o pp os it e.

. . . . .

M is er s g et up e ar ly i n t he m or ni ng; a nd b ur gl ar s, I a m i nf or me d, g et up t he n ig ht b ef or e. I t i s t he g re at

peril of our society that all its mechanisms may grow more fixed while its spirit grows more fickle. A

m an 's m in or act io ns and arr an gement s o ug ht t o b e f ree, f lexi bl e, creat iv e; t he t hi ng s t hat s ho ul d b e

u nchang eabl e are h is p ri ncip les, h is i deal s. B ut w it h u s t he r ev er se i s t ru e; o ur v iews chang e con st an tl y;

but our lunch does not change. Now, I should like men to have strong and rooted conceptions, but as for

t heir l un ch , l et t hem h av e i t s om et im es i n t he g ar den, s om et im es i n b ed , s om et im es o n t he r oo f, s om et im es

in the top of a tre e. Le t them argue from t he same f irst principles , but let them do it in a bed, or a boat, or

a b al lo on . T hi s alarm in g g ro wt h o f g oo d h ab it s r eall y m eans a t oo g reat emp hasi s o n t ho se v ir tu es w hi ch

m er e cus to m can ens ur e, i t m eans t oo l it tl e emp hasi s o n t ho se v ir tu es w hi ch cus to m can n ev er q ui tee ns ur e, s ud de n a nd s pl en di d v ir tu es o f i ns pi re d p it y o r o f i ns pi re d c an do ur . I f e ve r t ha t a br up t a pp ea l i s

ma de t o us we ma y f ai l. A ma n ca n get us e t o get ting up at f ive o' cl ock i n the mor ni ng. A ma n ca nnot

v er y w el l g et u sed t o b ei ng b ur nt f or h is o pi ni on s; t he f ir st exp er im en t i s com mo nl y f at al . L et u s p ay a l it tl e

m or e a tt en ti on t o t he se p os si bi li ti es o f t he h er oi c a nd u ne xp ec te d. I d ar e s ay t ha t w he n I g et o ut o f t hi s

bed I shall do some deed of an almost terrible virtue.

For t ho se who s tu dy t he gr ea t a rt of l yi ng i n be d t he re i s one e mpha ti c c aut ion t o be a dd ed. E ve n f or

t ho se w ho c an d o t he ir w or k i n b ed ( li ke j ou rn al is ts ), s ti ll m or e f or t ho se w ho se w or k c an no t b e d on e i n

bed (as, for example, the professional harpooners of whales), it is obvious that the indulgence must be

ve ry occ as ional . But tha t i s not t he c aut ion I me an. The c auti on i s t his : i f you do l ie in be d, be sur e you do

i t w it ho ut a ny r ea so n o r j us ti fi ca ti on a t a ll . I d o n ot s pe ak , o f c ou rs e, o f t he s er io us ly s ic k. B ut i f a h ea lt hyma n l ie s in bed, le t hi m do i t wi thout a ra g of exc us e; t he n he wi ll ge t up a he al thy ma n. I f he doe s i t f or

s om e s econ dary h yg ieni c r easo n, i f h e h as s om e s ci en ti fi c exp lanati on , h e m ay g et u p a h yp ocho nd ri ac.

XI. The Twelve Men

Th e ot he r da y, wh il e I w as m ed it at ing o n m or al it y a nd Mr . H . Pi tt , I wa s, s o t o s pe ak , s na tc he d up a nd

put into a jury box to try people. The snatching took some weeks, but to me it seemed something sudden

a nd a rbi tr ar y. I wa s pu t i nt o t hi s box be ca us e I l ive d i n B at te rs ea , a nd m y na me be ga n w it h a C. Lo oki ng

r ou nd m e, I s aw t ha t t he re w er e a ls o s um mo ne d a nd i n a tt en da nc e i n t he c ou rt w ho le c ro wd s a nd processions of men, all of whom lived in Battersea, and all of whose names began with a C.

I t s eems t hat t hey alw ay s s um mo n j ur ym en i n t hi s s weep in g alp habeti cal w ay . A t o ne o ff icial b lo w, s o t o

spea k, Bat ter se a is denuded of all i ts C' s, and le ft t o ge t on as be st i t ca n with the re st of the a lphabet . A

Cumberpatch is missing from one street—a Chizzolpop from another— three Chucksterfields from

C hu ck st er fi eld H ou se; t he chi ld ren are cry in g o ut f or an abs en t C ad gerb oy ; t he w om an at t he s tr eet

c or ne r i s w ee pi ng f or he r C of fi nt op , a nd w il l n ot b e c om fo rt ed . W e s et tl e d ow n w it h a r ol li ck in g e as e i nt o

o ur s ea ts ( fo r we a re a bo ld, d ev il -m ay -c ar e r ac e, t he C 's o f B at te rs ea ), a nd a n oa th i s a dm in is te re d t o

u s i n a t ot al ly i naud ib le m an ner b y an i nd iv id ual r es em bl in g an A rm y s ur geon i n h is s econ d chi ld ho od . W e

u nd er st an d, h ow ev er , t ha t w e a re t o w el l a nd t ru ly t ry t he c as e b et we en o ur s ov er ei gn l or d t he K in g a ndt he pr is on er a t t he ba r, n ei th er o f w ho m h as pu t i n a n a pp ea ra nc e a s y et .


P a g e 1 9




. . . . .

J us t w he n I w as w on de ri ng w he th er t he K in g a nd t he p ri so ne r w er e, p er ha ps , c om in g t o a n a mi ca bl e

u nd er st an di ng i n s om e adj oi ni ng p ub li c h ou se, t he p ri so ner' s h ead app ears abo ve t he b ar ri er o f t he d ock;

h e i s a cc us ed o f s te al in g bi cy cl es , a nd h e i s t he l ivi ng i ma ge o f a g re at f ri end o f m in e. W e g o i nt o t he

ma tt er of th e s te al in g of t he bi cyc le s. W e do w el l a nd t rul y t ry th e c as e be twe en t he Ki ng a nd t he

prisoner in the affair of the bicycles. And we come to the conclusion, after a brief but reasonabled is cu ss io n, t ha t t he K in g i s n ot i n a ny w ay i mp li ca te d. T he n w e p as s o n t o a w om an w ho n eg le ct ed h er

c hi ld re n, a nd w ho l oo ks a s i f s om eb od y o r s om et hi ng h ad n eg le ct ed h er . A nd I a m o ne o f t ho se w ho

fancy that something had.

A ll t he t im e t ha t t he e ye t oo k i n t he se l ig ht a pp ea ra nc es a nd t he b ra in p as se d t he se l ig ht c ri ti ci sm s, t he re

w as i n t he h ea rt a b ar ba ri c p it y a nd f ea r w hi ch m en h av e n ev er b ee n a bl e t o u tt er f ro m t he b eg in ni ng , b ut

w hi ch i s t he p ow er b eh in d h al f t he p oe ms o f t he w or ld . T he m oo d c an no t e ve n a de qu at el y b e s ug ge st ed ,

excep t f ai nt ly b y t hi s s tatement t hat t ragedy i s t he h ig hest exp ress io n o f t he i nf in it e v al ue o f h um an l if e.

Never had I stood so close to pain; and never so far away from pessimism. Ordinarily, I should not have

s po ke n o f t he se d ar k e mo ti on s a t a ll , f or s pe ec h a bo ut t he m i s t oo d if fi cu lt ; b ut I m en ti on t he m n ow f or as pe ci fi c a nd p ar ti cu la r r ea so n t o t he s ta te me nt o f w hi ch I w il l p ro ce ed a t o nc e. I s pe ak t he se f ee li ng s

because out of the furnace of them there came a curious realisation of a political or social truth. I saw

w it h a q ue er a nd i nd es cr ib ab le k in d o f c le ar ne ss w ha t a j ur y r ea ll y i s, a nd w hy w e m us t n ev er l et i t g o.

T he t rend o f o ur epo ch u p t o t hi s t im e h as b een con si st en tl y t ow ar ds s peci al is m and p ro fess io nali sm . W e

t en d t o h av e t rain ed s ol di er s b ecau se t hey f ig ht b et ter, t rain ed s in gers b ecau se t hey s in g b et ter, t rain ed

d an cer s b ecaus e t hey d an ce b et ter, s pecial ly i ns t ru ct ed l aug hers b ecaus e t hey l aug h b et t er , and s o o n and

s o o n. T he p ri ncip le h as b een app li ed t o l aw and p ol it ics b y i nn um er ab le m od er n w ri ters . M an y F ab ians

h av e i ns is te d t ha t a g re at er p ar t o f o ur p ol it ic al w or k s ho ul d b e p er fo rm ed b y e xp er ts . M an y l eg al is ts

h av e d eclared t hat t he u nt rain ed j ur y s ho ul d b e alt og et her s up pl an ted b y t he t rain ed J ud ge.

. . . . .

Now , i f t hi s w or ld of ou rs we re r ea ll y w ha t i s c al le d r ea so na bl e, I do not kn ow t ha t t he re w oul d b e a ny

f au lt t o f in d w it h t hi s. B ut t he t ru e r es ul t o f all exp er ience and t he t ru e f ou nd at io n o f all r el ig io n i s t hi s. T hat

t he f our or f ive t hi ng s t ha t i t i s m os t p ra ct ic al ly e ss en ti al t ha t a m an s hou ld k no w, a re a ll o f t he m w ha t

people call paradoxes. That is to say, that though we all find them in life to be mere plain truths, yet we

can no t eas il y s tate t hem i n w or ds w it ho ut b ei ng g ui lt y o f s eemi ng v er bal con tr ad icti on s. O ne o f t hem, f or

i ns tance, i s t he u ni mp each ab le p lati tu de t hat t he m an w ho f in ds m os t p leas ur e f or h im self i s o ft en t he m an

wh o l ea st hun ts f or i t. Ano the r i s t he pa ra dox of c ou ra ge ; t he f ac t t ha t t he w ay t o a voi d d ea th i s not t o

h ave t oo m uc h a ve rs io n t o i t. W ho eve r i s c ar el es s e no ug h of h is bo ne s t o c li mb s om e h op ef ul c li ff a bo vet he t id e m ay s av e h is b on es b y t ha t c ar el es sn es s. W hoe ve r w il l l os e h is l if e, t he s am e s ha ll s av e i t; a n

entirely practical and prosaic statement.

N ow , o ne o f t he se f ou r o r f iv e p ar ad ox es w hi ch s ho ul d be t au gh t t o e ve ry i nf an t p ra tt li ng a t h is m ot he r' s

kne e i s t he f oll owi ng: Tha t t he mor e a m an l ooks a t a t hing, t he l es s he c an s ee it , a nd t he mor e a ma n

l ea rn s a t hi ng t he l es s he k no ws i t. T he F ab ia n a rg um en t o f t he e xp er t, t ha t t he m an w ho i s t ra in ed s ho ul d

be the man who is trusted would be absolutely unanswerable if it were really true that a man who studied

a t hi ng a nd p ra ct ic ed i t e ve ry d ay w en t o n s ee in g m or e a nd m or e o f i ts s ig ni fi ca nc e. B ut h e d oe s n ot . H e

goe s on s ee ing l es s a nd le ss of i ts s igni fi ca nce . I n t he s am e wa y, a la s! we a ll go on e ve ry da y, unl es s we

are continually goading ourselves into gratitude and humility, seeing less and less of the significance of the

s ky or t he s to ne s.

. . . . .


P a g e 2 0




Now i t i s a t er ri ble bus ines s t o ma rk a ma n out f or the ve nge anc e of me n. But i t i s a thi ng t o whi ch a ma n

c an g ro w a cc us to me d, a s h e c an t o o th er t er ri bl e t hi ng s; h e c an e ve n g ro w a cc us to me d t o t he s un . A nd

t he h or ri bl e t hi ng abo ut all l eg al o ff icials , even t he b es t, abo ut all j ud ges, m ag is tr at es , b ar ri st er s,

d et ec ti ve s, a nd p ol ic em en , i s n ot t ha t t he y a re w ic ke d ( so me o f t he m a re g oo d) , n ot t ha t t he y a re s tu pi d

( se ve ra l of t he m a re qu it e i nt el li ge nt ), i t i s s imp ly t ha t t he y h ave g ot us ed t o i t.

St ri ct ly t he y do not s ee t he p ri sone r i n t he doc k; al l t he y s ee is the us ua l ma n i n t he us ua l pl ac e. The y do

n ot s ee t he awf ul cou rt o f j ud gm en t; t hey o nl y s ee t heir o wn w or ks ho p. T herefo re, t he i ns ti nct o f

Christian civilisation has most wisely declared that into their judgments there shall upon every occasion be

i nf us ed f re sh b lo od a nd f re sh t ho ug ht s f ro m t he s tr ee ts . M en s ha ll c om e i n w ho c an s ee t he c ou rt a nd t he

c ro wd , a nd c oa rs e f ac es o f t he p ol ic em an a nd t he p ro fe ss io na l c ri mi na ls , t he w as te d f ac es o f t he

wa st re ls , t he unr ea l f ac es of t he ge st ic ul at ing c ouns el , a nd s ee i t a ll a s one s ee s a ne w pi ct ur e or a pl ay

hitherto unvisited.

O ur civ il is at io n h as d ecid ed , and v er y j us tl y d ecid ed , t hat d et er mi ni ng t he g ui lt o r i nn ocen ce o f m en i s a

t hi ng t oo i mp or ta nt t o b e t rus te d t o t ra in ed m en . I t w is he s f or l ig ht u pon t ha t a wf ul m at te r, i t a sk s m enwho know no more la w tha n I know, but who c an fe el t he t hings t ha t I f el t i n t he j ury box. Whe n i t wa nts

a l ib ra ry c at al og ue d, o r t he s ol ar s ys te m d is co ve re d, o r a ny t ri fl e o f t ha t k in d, i t u se s u p s pe ci al is ts . B ut

w hen i t w is hes any th in g d on e w hi ch i s r eall y s er io us , i t col lect s t welv e o f t he o rd in ar y m en s tand in g

r ou nd . T he s am e t hi ng w as d on e, i f I r em em ber r ig ht , b y t he F ou nd er o f C hr is ti an it y.

XII. The Wind and the Trees

I a m s it ti ng u nde r t al l t re es , wi th a g re at w in d bo il in g l ike s ur f a bou t t he t op s o f t he m, s o t ha t t he ir l iv in g

l oa d of l ea ve s r oc ks a nd r oa rs i n s ome thi ng t ha t is a t onc e e xul ta ti on a nd a gon y. I fe el , i n f ac t, a s i f I we rea ct ua ll y s it ti ng a t t he b ot to m o f t he s ea a mo ng m er e a nc ho rs a nd r op es , w hi le o ve r m y h ea d a nd o ve r t he

g re en t wi li gh t o f w at er s ou nd ed t he e ve rl as ti ng r us h o f w av es a nd t he t oi l a nd c ra sh a nd s hi pw re ck o f

t re me nd ou s s hi ps . T he w in d t ug s a t t he t re es a s i f i t m igh t p luc k t he m r oo t a nd a ll ou t o f t he e ar th l ik e

t uf ts o f g ra ss . O r, t o t ry y et a no th er d es pe ra te f ig ur e o f s pe ec h f or t hi s u ns pe ak ab le e ne rg y, t he t re es a re

s tr ai ni ng a nd t ea ri ng a nd l as hi ng a s i f t he y w er e a t ri be o f d ra go ns e ac h t ie d b y t he t ai l.

A s I l oo k a t t he se t op -h ea vy g ia nt s t or tu re d b y a n i nv is ib le a nd v io le nt w it ch cr af t, a p hr as e c om es b ac k

i nt o m y m in d. I r em em be r a l it tl e b oy of m y a cq ua in ta nc e w ho w as o nc e w al ki ng i n B at te rs ea P ar k u nd er

just such torn skies and tossing trees. He did not like the wind at all; it blew in his face too much; it made

hi m s hut hi s e ye s; a nd i t bl ew of f hi s ha t, of whi ch he wa s ve ry pr oud. He wa s, a s f ar a s I r eme mbe r,

abo ut f ou r. A ft er com pl ai ni ng r ep eatedl y o f t he atm os ph er ic u nr es t, h e s ai d at l as t t o h is m ot her, “Well ,w hy d on 't y ou t ak e a wa y t he t re es , a nd t he n i t w ou ld n' t w in d. ”

N ot hi ng cou ld b e m or e i nt el li gent o r n at ur al t han t hi s m is take. A ny o ne l oo ki ng f or t he f ir st t im e at t he

t rees m ig ht f an cy t hat t hey w er e i nd eed v as t and t it an ic f an s, w hi ch b y t heir m er e w av in g agi tated t he air

a ro un d t he m f or m il es . N ot hi ng, I s ay , c ou ld b e m or e h um an a nd e xc us ab le t ha n t he be li ef t ha t i t i s t he

t re es w hi ch m ake t he wi nd . I nde ed, t he be li ef i s s o huma n a nd e xc us abl e t ha t i t is , a s a m at te r of fa ct , t he

belief of about ninety-nine out of a hundred of the philosophers, reformers, sociologists, and politicians of

t he g reat age i n w hi ch w e l iv e. M y s mall f ri en d w as , i n f act, v er y l ik e t he p ri ncip al m od er n t hi nk er s; o nl y

much nicer.

. . . . .


P a g e 2 1




I n t he l it tl e a pol og ue o r pa ra bl e w hi ch h e ha s t hu s t he h on ou r o f i nve nt ing , t he t re es s ta nd f or a ll v is ibl e

t hi ng s a nd t he w in d f or t he i nv is ib le . T he w in d i s t he s pi ri t w hi ch bl ow et h wh er e i t l is te th; t he t re es a re t he

m at er ial t hi ng s o f t he w or ld w hi ch are b lo wn w here t he s pi ri t l is ts . T he w in d i s p hi lo so ph y, r el ig io n,

r ev ol ut io n; t he t re es a re c it ie s a nd c iv il is at io ns . W e o nl y k no w t ha t t he re i s a w in d b ec au se t he t re es o n

s om e di st an t h il l s ud de nl y g o m ad . W e o nl y k no w t ha t t he re i s a r ea l r ev ol ut ion b ec aus e a ll t he

chi mn ey -p ot s g o m ad o n t he w ho le s ky li ne o f t he cit y.

J us t a s t he r ag ge d o ut li ne o f a t re e g ro ws s ud de nl y m or e r ag ge d a nd r is es i nt o f an ta st ic c re st s o r t at te re d

t ai ls , s o t he h um an c it y r is es u nd er t he w in d o f t he s pi ri t i nt o t op pl in g t em pl es o r s ud de n s pi re s. N o m an

h as ever s een a r ev ol ut io n. M ob s p ou ri ng t hr ou gh t he p al aces , b lo od p ou ri ng d ow n t he g ut ters , t he

g ui ll ot in e l if ted h ig her t han t he t hr on e, a p ri so n i n r ui ns , a p eo pl e i n arm s— th es e t hi ng s are n ot r ev ol ut io n,

but the results of revolution.

You c anno t s ee a w ind; yo u c an onl y s ee t ha t t he re i s a w ind. So, a ls o, y ou c an not s ee a r evo lut io n; you

c an o nl y s ee t ha t t he re i s a r evo lu ti on . A nd t he re ne ve r ha s be en i n t he hi sto ry of t he wor ld a r ea l

r ev ol ut io n, b ru tall y act iv e and d ecis iv e, w hi ch w as n ot p receded b y u nr es t and n ew d og ma i n t he r ei gn o f

invisible things. All revolutions began by being abstract. Most revolutions began by being quite pedantically abstract.

The wind is up a bove the world be fore a twig on the t ree has moved. So ther e mus t a lwa ys be a bat tle in

t he s ky be for e t he re i s a ba tt le on the e ar th. Si nc e it i s l awf ul to pra y f or t he c omi ng of the ki ngdom, it i s

l aw ful a ls o t o p ra y f or t he c om in g of t he r ev ol ut io n t ha t s ha ll r es tor e t he k ing do m. I t i s l aw ful t o h ope t o

he ar t he wind of He ave n i n t he t ree s. I t is l awful t o pra y “ Thine a nger c ome on e ar th a s i t i s in He aven.”

. . . . .

T he g re at h um an d og ma , t he n, i s t ha t t he w in d m ov es t he t re es . T he g re at h um an h er es y i s t ha t t he t re es

m ov e t he w in d. W he n p eo pl e b eg in t o s ay t ha t t he m at er ia l c ir cu ms ta nc es h av e a lo ne c re at ed t he m or alcircumstances, then they have prevented all possibility of serious change. For if my circumstances have

m ad e m e w ho ll y s tu pi d, h ow c an I b e c er ta in e ve n t ha t I a m r ig ht i n a lt er in g t ho se c ir cu ms ta nc es ?

T he m an w ho r ep resent s all t ho ug ht as an accid en t o f env ir on ment i s s im pl y s mash in g and d is cr ed it in g all

h is o wn t ho ug ht s— i nclu di ng t hat o ne. T o t reat t he h um an m in d as h av in g an u lt im at e aut ho ri ty i s

n eces sary t o any k in d o f t hi nk in g, even f ree t hi nk in g. A nd n ot hi ng w il l ever b e r ef or med i n t hi s age o r

cou nt ry u nl es s w e r eali se t hat t he m or al f act com es f ir st .

F or e xa mp le , m os t o f u s, I s up po se , h av e s ee n i n p ri nt a nd h ea rd i n d eb at in g c lu bs a n e nd le ss d is cu ss io n

t ha t g oe s o n b et we en S oc ia li st s a nd t ot al a bs ta in er s. T he l at te r s ay t ha t d ri nk l ea ds t o p ov er ty ; t he f or me r s ay t ha t p ov er ty l ea ds t o d ri nk . I c an o nl y w on de r a t t he ir e it he r of t he m b ei ng c on te nt w it h s uc h s im pl e

physical explanations. Surely it is obvious that the thing which among the English proletariat leads to

poverty is the same as the thing which leads to drink; the absence of strong civic dignity, the absence of

an instinct that resists degradation.

W hen y ou h av e d is co vered w hy eno rm ou s E ng li sh est at es w er e n ot l on g ago cut u p i nt o s mall h ol di ng s

l ik e t he l an d o f F rance, y ou w il l h av e d is co vered w hy t he E ng li sh man i s m or e d ru nk en t han t he

Frenchman. The Englishman, among his million delightful virtues, really has this quality, which may strictly

be called “hand to mouth,” because under its influence a man's hand automatically seeks his own mouth,

i ns te ad o f s ee ki ng ( as i t s om et im es s ho ul d d o) h is o pp re ss or 's n os e. A nd a m an w ho s ay s t ha t t he E ng li sh

i ne qua li ty i n l an d i s d ue o nl y t o e co no mi c c aus es , o r t ha t t he d run ke nn es s o f En gl an d i s d ue o nl y t o

eco no mi c cau ses, i s s ay in g s om et hi ng s o abs ur d t hat h e can no t r eall y h av e t ho ug ht w hat h e w as s ay in g.


P a g e 2 2




Y et t hi ng s q ui te a s p re po st er ou s a s t hi s a re s ai d a nd w ri tt en u nd er t he i nf lu en ce o f t ha t g re at s pe ct ac le o f

babyish helplessness, the economic theory of history. We have people who represent that all great

h is to ri c m ot iv es w er e e co no mi c, a nd t he n h av e t o h ow l a t t he t op o f t he ir v oi ce s i n o rd er t o i nd uc e t he

modern democracy to act on economic motives. The extreme Marxian politicians in England exhibit

t hems el ves as a s mall , h er oi c m in or it y, t ry in g v ai nl y t o i nd uce t he w or ld t o d o w hat, accor di ng t o t heir

t he or y, t he w or ld a lw ay s d oe s. T he t ru th i s, o f c ou rs e, t ha t t he re w il l b e a s oc ia l r ev ol ut io n t he m om en t

t he t hi ng h as c ea se d t o b e p ur el y e co no mi c. Y ou c an n ev er h av e a r ev ol ut io n i n o rd er t o e st ab li sh ad em oc ra cy . Y ou m us t h av e a d em oc ra cy i n o rd er t o h av e a r ev ol ut io n.

. . . . .

I ge t up f rom u nde r t he t re es , f or t he w ind a nd th e s li gh t r ai n ha ve c ea se d. Th e t re es s ta nd up li ke go lde n

pillars in a clear sunlight. The tossing of the trees and the blowing of the wind have ceased simultaneously.

S o I s up po se t he re a re s ti ll m od er n p hi lo so ph er s w ho w il l m ai nt ai n t ha t t he t re es m ak e t he w in d.

X II I. T he D ic ke ns ia nH e w as a qu ie t m an, d re ss ed i n d ar k c lo the s, w it h a l ar ge l im p s tr aw ha t; w it h s om et hi ng a lm os t m il it ar y

i n h is m ou st ache and w hi sk er s, b ut w it h a q ui te u nm il it ar y s to op and v er y d ream y eyes. H e w as g azin g

w it h a r at her g lo om y i nt er es t at t he clu st er , o ne m ig ht alm os t s ay t he t an gl e, o f s mall s hi pp in g w hi ch g rew

t hi ck er a s o ur l it tl e p le as ur e b oa t c ra wl ed u p i nt o Y ar mo ut h H ar bo ur . A b oa t e nt er in g t hi s h ar bo ur , a s

e ve ry o ne k no ws , do es no t e nt er i n f ron t of t he t ow n l ik e a f or ei gne r, b ut c re ep s r ou nd a t t he ba ck l ike a

t ra it or t ak in g t he t ow n i n t he r ea r. T he p as sa ge o f t he r iv er s ee ms a lm os t t oo n ar ro w f or t ra ff ic , a nd i n

c on se qu en ce t he b ig ge r s hi ps l oo k c ol os sa l. A s w e p as se d u nd er a t im be r s hi p f ro m N or wa y, w hi ch

s ee me d t o bl oc k up t he he av en s l ik e a c at he dr al , t he m an i n a s tr aw ha t po in te d t o a n o dd wo od en

f ig ur eh ead car ved l ik e a w om an , and s ai d, l ik e o ne con ti nu in g a con vers at io n, “No w, w hy h av e t hey l ef to ff h av in g t hem. T hey d id n' t d o any o ne any h ar m?”

I r ep li ed w it h s om e f li pp anc y a bo ut t he c ap ta in 's w if e b ei ng j ea lou s; b ut I k ne w i n m y h ea rt t ha t t he m an

h ad s tr uck a d eep n ot e. T here h as b een s om et hi ng i n o ur m os t r ecen t civ il is at io n w hi ch i s m ys teri ou sl y

hostile to such healthy and humane symbols.

“They hate anything like that, which is human and pretty,” he continued, exactly echoing my thoughts. “I

believe they broke up all the jolly old figureheads with hatchets and enjoyed doing it.”

“ Li ke M r. Q ui lp ,” I a ns we re d, “ wh en h e b at te re d t he w oo de n A dm ir al w it h t he p ok er .”

H is w ho le f ac e s ud de nl y b ec am e a li ve , a nd f or t he f ir st t im e h e s to od e re ct a nd s ta re d a t m e.

“ Do y ou c om e t o Y ar mo ut h f or t ha t? ” h e a sk ed .

“For what?”

“ Fo r D ic ke ns ,” h e a ns we re d, a nd d ru mm ed w it h h is f oo t o n t he d ec k.

“ No, ” I a ns we re d; “ I c om e f or f un, t ho ug h t ha t i s m uc h t he s am e t hi ng .”

“I alw ay s com e, ” h e ans wered q ui et ly , “to f in d P eg go tt y' s b oat. I t i sn 't h er e. ”


P a g e 2 3




A nd w he n h e s ai d t ha t I u nd er st oo d h im p er fe ct ly .

T he re a re t wo Y ar mo ut hs ; I d ar es ay t he re a re t wo h un dr ed t o t he p eo pl e w ho l iv e t he re . I m ys el f h av e

ne ve r c om e t o t he e nd o f t he l is t of B at te rs ea s. B ut t he re a re t wo t o t he s tr ang er a nd t ou ri st ; t he p oo r

part, which is dignified, and the prosperous part, which is savagely vulgar. My new friend haunted the

f ir st of t he se l ik e a g hos t; t o t he l at te r h e w ou ld o nl y d is ta nt ly a ll ud e.

“ Th e p la ce i s v er y m uc h s po il t n ow . . . t ri pp er s, y ou k no w, ” h e w ou ld s ay , n ot a t a ll s co rn fu ll y, b ut

s im pl y s ad ly. T ha t w as t he n ea re st h e w ou ld g o t o a n a dm is si on o f t he m on st ro us w at er in g p la ce t ha t l ay

alo ng t he f ro nt , o ut bl azin g t he s un , and m or e d eafeni ng t han t he s ea. B ut b eh in d— ou t o f ear sh ot o f t hi s

u pr oa r— th er e a re l an es s o n ar ro w t ha t t he y s ee m l ik e s ec re t e nt ra nc es t o s om e h id de n p la ce o f r ep os e.

T he re a re s qu ar es s o b ri mf ul o f s il en ce t ha t t o pl ung e i nt o o ne o f t he m i s l ik e p lu ngi ng i nt o a p ool . I n t he se

places the man and I paced up and down talking about Dickens, or, rather, doing what all true

D ickens ians d o, t el li ng each o th er v er bati m l on g p as sages w hi ch b ot h o f u s k new q ui te w el l alr eady . W e

w er e r eall y i n t he atm os ph er e o f t he o ld er E ng land . F is herm en p as sed u s w ho m ig ht w el l h av e b een

char acters l ik e P eg go tt y; w e w en t i nt o a m us ty cur io si ty s ho p and b ou gh t p ip e- s to pp er s carv ed i nt o

f ig ur es f ro m P ickw ick. T he eveni ng w as s et tl in g d ow n b et ween all t he b ui ld in gs w it h t hat s lo w g ol d t hats ee ms t o s oa k e ve ry th in g w he n w e w en t i nt o t he c hu rc h.

I n t he g ro wi ng d ar kn es s o f t he c hu rc h, m y e ye c au gh t t he c ol ou re d w in do ws w hi ch o n t ha t c le ar g ol de n

eveni ng w er e f lami ng w it h all t he p as si on at e h er al dr y o f t he m os t f ierce and ecs tati c o f C hr is ti an art s. A t

l en gt h I s ai d t o m y com pani on :

“ Do you s ee t ha t a nge l ove r t he re ? I t hi nk i t m us t be me ant f or t he an ge l a t t he s epul chre .”

H e s aw t ha t I w as s om ew ha t s in gu la rl y m ov ed , a nd h e r ai se d h is e ye br ow s.

“ I d ar es ay ,” h e s ai d. “ Wh at i s t he re o dd a bo ut t ha t? ”

A ft er a p au se I s ai d, “ Do y ou r em em be r w ha t t he a ng el a t t he s ep ul ch re s ai d? ”

“ No t p ar ti cu la rl y, ” h e a ns we re d; “ bu t w he re a re y ou o ff t o i n s uc h a hu rr y? ”

I w al ked h im r ap id ly o ut o f t he s ti ll s qu ar e, p as t t he f is herm en 's alm sh ou ses, t ow ar ds t he coast , h e s ti ll

inquiring indignantly where I was going.

“ I a m g oi ng ,” I s ai d, “ to p ut p en ni es i n a ut om at ic m ac hi ne s o n t he b ea ch . I a m g oi ng t o l is te n t o t he

n ig ge rs . I a m g oi ng t o h av e m y p ho to gr ap h t ake n. I a m g oi ng t o d ri nk g ing er -b ee r ou t of i ts o ri gi na l bottle. I will buy some picture postcards. I do want a boat. I am ready to listen to a concertina, and but

f or t he de fe ct s of my e duc at ion s hould be r ea dy t o pl ay i t. I a m wi lli ng t o r ide on a donke y; t ha t i s, i f t he

d on ke y i s wi ll ing . I a m wi ll ing t o b e a d on ke y; f or a ll t hi s w as c om ma nd ed m e by t he a nge l i n t he

stained-glass window.”

“I r eall y t hi nk ,” s ai d t he D ickens ian, “th at I h ad b et ter p ut y ou i n charg e o f y ou r r el at io ns .”

“ Si r, ” I a ns we re d, “ th er e a re c er ta in w ri te rs t o w ho m h um an it y o we s m uc h, w ho se t al en t i s y et o f s o s hy

o r d el ic at e o r r et ro sp ec ti ve a t yp e t ha t w e d o w el l t o l in k i t w it h c er ta in q ua in t p la ce s o r c er ta in p er is hi ng

a ss oc ia ti on s. I t w ou ld n ot b e u nn at ur al t o l oo k f or t he s pi ri t o f H or ac e W al po le a t S tr aw be rr y H il l, o r

even f or t he s hade o f T hack er ay i n O ld K en si ng to n. B ut l et u s h av e n o ant iq uari an is m abo ut D ickens , f or

D ic ke ns i s n ot a n a nt iq ui ty . D ic ke ns l oo ks n ot b ac kw ar d, b ut f or wa rd ; h e m ig ht l oo k a t o ur m od er n

m ob s w it h s at ir e, o r w it h f ur y, b ut h e w ou ld l ov e t o l oo k a t t he m. H e m ig ht l as h o ur d em oc ra cy , b ut i t


P a g e 2 4




wo ul d be be ca us e, l ike a d emo cr at , he a ske d m uc h f rom i t. W e wi ll not ha ve a ll hi s boo ks b ound up

u nd er t he t it le o f ' Th e O ld C ur io si ty S ho p. ' R at he r w e w il l h av e t he m a ll b ou nd u p u nd er t he t it le o f ' Gr ea t

E xp ectati on s. ' W herever h um an it y i s h e w ou ld h av e u s f ace i t and m ak e s om et hi ng o f i t, s wall ow i t w it h a

h ol y can ni bali sm , and ass im il at e i t w it h t he d ig es ti on o f a g iant . W e m us t t ak e t hese t ri pp er s as h e w ou ld

h av e t ak en t he m, a nd t ea r o ut o f t he m t he ir t ra ge dy a nd t he ir f ar ce . D o y ou r em em be r n ow w ha t t he

a ng el s ai d a t t he s ep ul ch re ? ' Wh y s ee k y e t he l iv in g a mo ng t he d ea d? H e i s n ot h er e; h e i s r is en .' “

W it h t ha t we c am e out s udd enl y on t he wi de s tr et ch of t he s ands , w hi ch w er e b la ck wi th t he kn obs a nd

m as ses o f o ur l au gh in g and q ui te d es perate d em ocracy . A nd t he s un set, w hi ch w as n ow i n i ts f in al g lo ry ,

f lu ng f ar o ver all o f t hem a r ed f lu sh and g li tt er l ik e t he g ig an ti c f ir el ig ht o f D ickens . I n t hat s tr an ge eveni ng

l ig ht e ve ry f ig ur e l oo ke d a t o nc e g ro te sq ue a nd a tt ra ct iv e, a s i f h e h ad a s to ry t o t el l. I h ea rd a l it tl e g ir l

( wh o w as b ei ng t hr ot tl ed b y ano th er l it tl e g ir l) s ay b y w ay o f s el f- vi nd icat io n, “My s is ter- in -l aw ' as g ot

four rings aside her weddin' ring!”

I s to od a nd l is te ne d f or m or e, b ut m y f ri en d w en t a wa y.

X IV . I n T op sy -T ur vy L an d

L as t w ee k, i n a n i dl e m et aphor , I t ook th e t um bl ing of t re es a nd t he s ec re t e ne rgy of t he wi nd a s t ypi ca l

o f t he v is ib le w or ld m ov in g u nd er t he v io lence o f t he i nv is ib le. I t oo k t hi s m et ap ho r m er el y b ecau se I

h ap pe ne d t o b e w ri ti ng t he a rt ic le i n a w oo d. N ev er th el es s, n ow t ha t I r et ur n t o F le et S tr ee t ( wh ic h

s ee ms t o me , I c onf es s, muc h be tt er a nd mo re po et ic al t ha n a ll t he wi ld wood s i n t he wor ld) , I a m

s tr an gely h au nt ed b y t hi s accid en tal com pari so n. T he p eo pl e' s f ig ur es s eem a f or es t and t heir s ou l a w in d.

A ll t he h um an p er so nali ti es w hi ch s peak o r s ig nal t o m e s eem t o h av e t hi s f an tast ic charact er o f t he f ri ng e

of th e f or es t a ga ins t t he s ky . T ha t m an t ha t t al ks t o m e, wha t i s he but a n a rt ic ul at e t re e? Th at dr ive r of a

van who waves his hands wildly at me to tell me to get out of the way, what is he but a bunch of branchess ti rr ed a nd s wa ye d b y a s pi ri tu al w in d, a s yl va n o bj ec t t ha t I c an c on ti nu e t o c on te mp la te w it h c al m? T ha t

policeman who lifts his hand to warn three omnibuses of the peril that they run in encountering my person,

w ha t i s he b ut a s hr ub s ha ke n f or a m om en t wi th t ha t b la st o f h um an l aw w hi ch i s a t hi ng s tr on ge r t ha n

anarchy ? G radu al ly t hi s i mp ress io n o f t he w oo ds w ears o ff . B ut t hi s b lack -and -w hi te con tr as t b et ween

t he v is ib le and i nv is ib le, t hi s d eep s en se t hat t he o ne ess en ti al b el ief i s b el ief i n t he i nv is ib le as again st t he

v is ib le, i s s ud denl y and s en sati on al ly b ro ug ht b ack t o m y m in d. E xact ly at t he m om en t w hen F leet S tr eet

h as g ro wn m os t f am il iar ( th at i s, m os t b ew il deri ng and b ri gh t) , m y eye cat ch es a p os ter o f v iv id v io let, o n

w hi ch I s ee w ri tt en i n l ar ge b lack l et ters t hese r em ar kabl e w or ds : “Sh ou ld S ho p A ss is tant s M ar ry ?”

. . . . .

W he n I s aw t ho se w or ds e ve ry th in g m ig ht j us t a s w el l h av e t ur ne d u ps id e d ow n. T he m en i n F le et S tr ee t

m ig ht h ave b ee n wa lki ng a bo ut o n t he ir ha nds . T he c ro ss o f S t. P aul 's m igh t ha ve b ee n ha ngi ng i n t he a ir

u ps id e d ow n. F or I r ea li se t ha t I h av e r ea ll y c om e i nt o a t op sy -t ur vy c ou nt ry ; I h av e c om e i nt o t he

c oun tr y w he re m en do d ef in it el y b el ie ve t ha t t he w av in g o f t he t re es m ak es t he w in d. T ha t i s t o s ay , t he y

believe that the material circumstances, however black and twisted, are more important than the spiritual

r eali ti es , h ow ev er p ow er fu l and p ur e. “Sh ou ld S ho p A ss is tant s M ar ry ?” I am p uzzl ed t o t hi nk w hat s om e

periods and schools of human history would have made of such a question. The ascetics of the East or of

s om e p er io ds o f t he ear ly C hu rch w ou ld h av e t ho ug ht t hat t he q uest io n m eant , “Ar e n ot s ho p ass is tant s

t oo s ai nt ly , t oo m uc h o f a no th er w or ld , e ve n t o f ee l t he e mo ti on s o f t he s ex es ?” B ut I s up po se t ha t i s n ot

w ha t t he p ur pl e p os te r m ea ns . I n s om e p ag an c it ie s i t m ig ht h av e m ea nt , “ Sh al l s la ve s s o v il e a s s ho pa ss is ta nt s e ve n b e a ll ow ed t o p ro pa ga te t he ir a bj ec t r ac e? ” B ut I s up po se t ha t i s n ot w ha t t he p ur pl e

poster meant. We must face, I fear, the full insanity of what it does mean. It does really mean that a


P a g e 2 5




s ecti on o f t he h um an r ace i s ask in g w heth er t he p ri mary r el at io ns o f t he t wo h um an s ex es are p ar ti cu larl y

g oo d f or m od er n s ho ps . T he h um an r ac e i s a sk in g w he th er A da m a nd E ve a re e nt ir el y s ui ta bl e f or

M ar sh al l a nd S ne lg ro ve . I f t hi s i s n ot t op sy -t ur vy I c an no t i ma gi ne w ha t w ou ld b e. W e a sk w he th er t he

universal institution will improve our (please God) temporary institution. Yet I have known many such

q uest io ns . F or i ns tance, I h av e k no wn a m an ask s er io us ly , “Do es D em ocracy h el p t he E mp ir e?” W hi ch

i s l ik e s ay in g, “Is art f av ou rabl e t o f rescoes?”

I s ay t ha t t he re a re m any s uc h que st ions a sk ed. Bu t i f t he wor ld e ve r r uns s hor t of t he m, I c an s ug ge st a

l ar ge n um ber o f q uest io ns o f p reci sely t he s am e k in d, b as ed o n p reci sely t he s am e p ri ncip le.

“Do F eet I mp ro ve B oo ts ?”— “I s B read B et t er w hen E at en?”—“Sh ou ld H at s h av e H eads i n

them?”—“Do People Spoil a Town?”—“Do Walls Ruin Wall-papers?”—“Should Neckties enclose

Necks?”—“Do Hands Hurt Walking-sticks?”—“Does Burning Destroy Firewood?”—“Is Cleanliness

G oo d f or S oap?”—“Can C ri ck et R eall y I mp ro ve C ri ck et -b at s ?”—“Sh al l W e T ak e B ri des w it h o ur

W ed di ng R in gs ?” and a h un dr ed o th er s.

N ot o ne o f t hese q uest io ns d if fers at all i n i nt el lect ual p ur po rt o r i n i nt el lect ual v al ue f ro m t he q uest io nw hi ch I h av e q uo te d f ro m t he p ur pl e p os te r, o r f ro m a ny o f t he t yp ic al q ue st io ns a sk ed b y h al f o f t he

e ar ne st e co no mi st s o f o ur t im es . A ll t he q ue st io ns t he y a sk a re o f t hi s c ha ra ct er ; t he y a re a ll t in ge d w it h

t hi s s am e i ni ti al a bs ur di ty . T he y d o n ot a sk i f t he m ea ns i s s ui te d t o t he e nd; t he y a ll a sk ( wi th p ro fo un d

a nd p en et ra ti ng s ce pt ic is m) i f t he e nd i s s ui te d t o t he m ea ns . T he y d o n ot a sk w he th er t he t ai l s ui ts t he

d og . T he y a ll a sk w he th er a d og i s ( by t he h ig he st a rt is ti c c an on s) t he m os t o rn am en ta l a pp en da ge t ha t

c an b e p ut a t t he e nd o f a t ai l. I n s ho rt , i ns te ad o f a sk in g w he th er o ur m od er n a rr an ge me nt s, o ur s tr ee ts ,

t rades, b ar gain s, l aw s, and con cr et e i ns ti tu ti on s are s ui ted t o t he p ri mal and p er manent i dea o f a h ealt hy

h um an l if e, t hey n ev er adm it t hat h ealt hy h um an l if e i nt o t he d is cu ss io n at all , excep t s ud denl y and

accid en tall y at o dd m om en ts ; and t hen t hey o nl y ask w heth er t hat h ealt hy h um an l if e i s s ui ted t o o ur

s tr ee ts a nd t ra de s. P er fe ct io n m ay b e a tt ai na bl e o r u na tt ai na bl e a s a n e nd . I t m ay o r m ay n ot b e p os si bl e

t o t al k o f i mp er fe ct io n a s a m ea ns t o p er fe ct io n. B ut s ur el y i t p as se s t ol er at io n t o t al k o f p er fe ct io n a s ame ans t o i mpe rf ec ti on. T he Ne w J er us al em m ay be a re al it y. I t ma y be a dr ea m. Bu t s ur ely i t i s t oo

o ut ra ge ou s t o s ay t ha t t he N ew J er us al em i s a r ea li ty o n t he r oa d t o B ir mi ng ha m.

. . . . .

T hi s i s t he m os t e no rm ou s a nd a t t he s am e t im e t he m os t s ec re t o f t he m ode rn t yr an ni es of m at er ia li sm .

I n t heor y t he t hi ng o ug ht t o b e s im pl e eno ug h. A r eall y h um an h um an b ei ng w ou ld alw ay s p ut t he s pi ri tu al

t hi ng s f ir st . A w al ki ng and s peak in g s tatu e o f G od f in ds h im self at o ne p ar ti cu lar m om en t emp lo yed as a

s ho p a ss is ta nt . H e h as i n h im se lf a p ow er o f t er ri bl e l ov e, a p ro mi se o f p at er ni ty , a t hi rs t f or s om e l oy al ty

t hat s hall u ni fy l if e, and i n t he o rd in ar y cou rs e o f t hi ng s h e ask s h im self , “Ho w f ar d o t he exi st in gc on di ti ons of t ho se a ss is ti ng i n s hop s f it i n w it h m y e vi de nt a nd e pi c d es ti ny i n t he ma tt er o f l ov e a nd

m ar ri ag e? ” B ut h er e, a s I h av e s ai d, c om es i n t he q ui et a nd c ru sh in g p ow er of m ode rn m at er ia li sm . I t

prevents him rising in rebellion, as he would otherwise do. By perpetually talking about environment and

visible things, by perpetually talking about economics and physical necessity, painting and keeping

r ep ai nt ed a p er petu al p ictu re o f i ro n m achi nery and m er ci less eng in es , o f r ai ls o f s teel , and o f t ow er s o f

s to ne, m od er n m at er iali sm at l as t p ro du ces t hi s t remend ou s i mp ress io n i n w hi ch t he t ru th i s s tated u ps id e

dow n. At l as t t he r es ul t i s a chi ev ed. The ma n doe s not s ay a s he ought t o h ave s ai d, “ Shou ld m ar ri ed

m en end ur e b ei ng m od er n s ho p ass is tant s?” T he m an s ay s, “Sh ou ld s ho p ass is tant s m ar ry ?” T ri um ph h as

com pl et ed t he i mm en se i ll us io n o f m at er iali sm . T he s lave d oes n ot s ay , “Ar e t hese chain s w or th y o f m e?”

T he s lave s ay s s ci en ti fi call y and con tent ed ly , “Am I even w or th y o f t hese chain s?”


P a g e 2 6




XV. What I Found in My Pocket

Onc e w hen I wa s ve ry young I me t one of t hos e me n who have ma de t he Empi re wha t it is —a ma n i n a n

ast r acan coat , w it h an as tr acan m ou st ache—a t ig ht , b lack, cur ly m ou st ache. W heth er h e p ut o n t he

m ou st ac he w it h t he c oa t or w he th er hi s N apo le on ic w il l e na bl ed h im n ot o nl y t o g ro w a m ou st ac he i n t he

u su al p la ce , b ut a ls o t o g ro w l it tl e m ou st ac he s a ll o ve r h is c lo th es , I d o n ot k no w. I o nl y r em em be r t ha t

h e s ai d t o m e t he f ol low ing w or ds : “ A ma n c an' t g et on no wa da ys by ha ngi ng a bo ut wi th hi s h an ds i n h is

pockets.” I made reply with the quite obvious flippancy that perhaps a man got on by having his hands in

o th er p eo pl e' s p oc ke ts ; w he re up on h e b eg an t o a rg ue a bo ut M or al E vo lu ti on , s o I s up po se w ha t I s ai d

h ad s om e t ru th i n i t. B ut t he i nc id en t n ow c om es b ac k t o m e, a nd c on ne ct s i ts el f w it h a no th er i nc id en t— if

y ou c an c al l i t a n i nc id en t— w hi ch h app en ed t o m e o nl y t he o th er d ay .

I h av e o nl y o nc e i n m y l if e p ic ke d a p oc ke t, a nd t he n ( pe rh ap s t hr ou gh s om e a bs en t- mi nd ed ne ss ) I

picked my own. My act can really with some reason be so described. For in taking things out of my own

pocket I had at least one of the more tense and quivering emotions of the thief; I had a complete

i gn or an ce a nd a p ro fo un d c ur io si ty a s t o w ha t I s ho ul d f in d t he re . P er ha ps i t w ou ld b e t he e xa gg er at io n

o f e ul og y t o c al l m e a t id y p er so n. B ut I c an a lw ays p re tt y s at is fa ct or il y a cc ou nt f or a ll m y p os se ss io ns . Ican always tell where they a re, a nd what I have done with them, so long as I can keep them out of my

pockets. If once anything slips into those unknown abysses, I wave it a sad Virgilian farewell. I suppose

t ha t t he t hi ng s t ha t I h av e d ro pp ed i nt o m y p oc ke ts a re s ti ll t he re ; t he s am e p re su mp ti on a pp li es t o t he

t hi ng s t ha t I h av e d ro pp ed i nt o t he s ea . B ut I r eg ar d t he r ic he s s to re d i n b ot h t he se b ot to ml es s c ha sm s

wi th the s ame r eve rent i gnor anc e. They te ll us t ha t on t he l as t da y t he s ea wi ll gi ve up i ts de ad; a nd I

s up po se t hat o n t he s am e o ccas io n l on g s tr in gs o f ext raor di nary t hi ng s w il l com e r un ni ng o ut o f m y

pockets. But I have quite forgotten what any of them are; and there is really nothing (excepting the

m on ey ) t hat I s hall b e at all s ur pr is ed at f in di ng amo ng t hem.

. . . . .

S uc h a t l ea st h as h it he rt o b ee n m y s ta te o f i nn oc en ce . I h er e o nl y w is h b ri ef ly t o r ec al l t he s pe ci al ,

ext raor di nary , and h it hert o u np recedent ed cir cu ms tances w hi ch l ed m e i n col d b lo od , and b ei ng o f s ou nd

m in d, t o t ur n o ut m y p oc ke ts . I w as l oc ke d u p i n a t hi rd -c la ss c ar ri ag e f or a r at he r l on g j ou rn ey . T he t im e

w as t ow ar ds eveni ng , b ut i t m ig ht h av e b een any th in g, f or every th in g r es em bl in g ear th o r s ky o r l ig ht o r

s ha de w as p ai nt ed ou t a s i f w it h a g re at w et b ru sh b y a n u ns hi ft in g s he et o f q ui te c ol ou rl es s r ai n. I h ad n o

books or newspapers. I had not even a pencil and a scrap of paper with which to write a religious epic.

T he re w er e n o a dv er ti se me nt s o n t he w al ls o f t he c ar ri ag e, o th er wi se I c ou ld h av e p lu ng ed i nt o t he s tu dy ,

for any collection of printed words is quite enough to suggest infinite complexities of mental ingenuity.

W he n I f in d m ys el f o pp os it e t he w or ds “ Su nl igh t S oa p” I c an e xh au st a ll t he a sp ec ts o f S un W or sh ip ,

A pol lo, a nd S um me r po et ry b ef or e I go o n t o t he l es s c on ge ni al s ubj ec t of s oa p. B ut t he re w as no printed word or picture anywhere; there was nothing but blank wood inside the carriage and blank wet

w it ho ut . N ow I d en y m os t e ne rg et ic al ly t ha t a ny th in g i s, o r c an b e, u ni nt er es ti ng . S o I s ta re d a t t he j oi nt s

o f t he w al ls a nd s ea ts , a nd b eg an t hi nk in g h ar d o n t he f as ci na ti ng s ub je ct o f w oo d. J us t a s I h ad b eg un t o

r ea li se w hy , p er ha ps , i t w as t ha t C hr is t w as a c ar pe nt er , r at he r t ha n a b ri ck la ye r, o r a b ak er , o r a ny th in g

e ls e, I s ud de nl y s ta rt ed u pr ig ht , a nd r em em be re d m y p oc ke ts . I w as c ar ry in g a bo ut w it h m e a n u nk no wn

t reas ur y. I h ad a B ri ti sh M us eu m and a S ou th K en si ng to n col lect io n o f u nk no wn cur io s h un g all o ver m e

i n d if fe re nt p la ce s. I b eg an t o t ak e t he t hi ng s o ut .

. . . . .

T he f ir st t hi ng I c am e u po n c on si st ed o f p il es a nd h ea ps o f B at te rs ea t ra m t ic ke ts . T he re w er e e no ug h t o

e qu ip a p ap er c ha se . T he y s ho ok d ow n i n s ho we rs l ik e c on fe tt i. P ri ma ri ly , o f c ou rs e, t he y t ou ch ed m y


P a g e 2 7




patriotic emotions, and brought tears to my eyes; also they provided me with the printed matter I

r equ ir ed , f or I f ou nd o n t he b ac k o f t he m s om e s ho rt b ut s tr ik in g l it tl e s ci ent if ic e ss ay s a bou t s om e k in d

o f p il l. C om parati vely s peak in g, i n m y t hen d es ti tu ti on , t ho se t ickets m ig ht b e r eg ar ded as a s mall b ut

well-chosen scientific library. Should my railway journey continue (which seemed likely at the time) for a

few months longer, I could imagine myself throwing myself into the controversial aspects of the pill,

c om po si ng r ep li es a nd r ej oi nd er s p ro a nd c on u po n t he d at a f ur ni sh ed t o m e. B ut a ft er a ll i t w as t he

s ym bo li c q ua li ty o f t he t ic ke ts t ha t m ov ed m e m os t. F or a s c er ta in ly a s t he c ro ss o f S t. G eo rg e m ea nsE ng li sh p at ri ot is m, t ho se s cr ap s o f p ap er m eant all t hat m un icip al p at ri ot is m w hi ch i s n ow , p er haps , t he

greatest hope of England.

T he n ex t t hi ng t ha t I t oo k o ut w as a p oc ke t- kn if e. A p oc ke t- kn if e, I n ee d h ar dl y s ay , w ou ld r eq ui re a

t hi ck b oo k f ul l o f m or al m ed it at io ns all t o i ts el f. A k ni fe t yp if ies o ne o f t he m os t p ri mary o f t ho se p ract ical

o ri gi ns u po n w hi ch as u po n l ow , t hi ck p il lo ws all o ur h um an civ il is at io n r ep os es . M et al s, t he m ys tery o f

t he t hi ng c al le d i ro n a nd o f t he t hi ng c al le d s te el , l ed m e o ff h al f- da ze d i nt o a k in d o f d re am . I s aw i nt o t he

i nt ra il s o f d im , d am p w oo d, w he re t he f ir st m an a mo ng a ll t he c om mo n s ton es f ou nd t he s tr an ge s to ne . I

s aw a v ag ue a nd v io le nt b at tl e, i n w hi ch s to ne a xe s b ro ke a nd s to ne k ni ve s w er e s pl in te re d a ga in st

s om et hi ng s hi ni ng a nd ne w i n t he ha nd o f o ne de sp er at e m an. I he ar d a ll t he ha mm er s o n a ll t he a nv il s o f t he e ar th. I s aw a ll t he s wo rds of Fe uda l a nd a ll t he we al s of I ndu st ri al wa r. Fo r t he kni fe i s onl y a s ho rt

s wo rd ; a nd t he p oc ke t- kn if e i s a s ec re t s wo rd . I o pe ne d i t a nd l oo ke d a t t ha t b ri ll ia nt a nd t er ri bl e t on gu e

whi ch we c al l a bl ade ; a nd I t ho ught t ha t pe rha ps i t wa s t he s ymbol of t he ol de st o f t he n ee ds of ma n.

The ne xt m ome nt I kne w t ha t I wa s w rong; f or t he t hi ng t ha t c am e ne xt out of my poc ke t w as a box of

m at che s. T he n I s aw f ir e, w hi ch i s s tr on ge r e ve n t ha n s te el , t he ol d, f ie rc e f em al e t hi ng , t he t hi ng w e a ll

l ov e, b ut d ar e n ot t ou ch .

The next thing I found was a piece of chalk; and I saw in it all the art and all the frescoes of the world.

The ne xt wa s a c oi n of a ve ry mode st va lue ; a nd I s aw i n i t not onl y t he im age a nd s uper sc ri pti on of our

ow n C ae sa r, b ut a ll g ov er nm ent a nd or de r s inc e t he w or ld be ga n. Bu t I ha ve n ot s pa ce t o s ay wh at w er e

t he i tems i n t he l on g and s pl en di d p ro cess io n o f p oeti cal s ym bo ls t hat cam e p ou ri ng o ut . I can no t t el l y oua ll t he t hi ng s t ha t w er e i n m y p oc ke t. I c an t el l y ou o ne t hi ng , h ow ev er , t ha t I c oul d n ot f in d i n m y p oc ke t.

I all ud e t o m y r ai lw ay t icket.

X VI . T he D ra go n' s G ra nd mo th er

I met a man the other day who did not believe in fairy tales. I do not mean that he did not believe in the

i nc id en ts n ar ra te d i n t he m— th at h e d id n ot b el ie ve t ha t a p um pk in c ou ld t ur n i nt o a c oa ch . H e d id ,

i nd eed, ent er tain t hi s cur io us d is beli ef . A nd , l ik e all t he o th er p eo pl e I h av e ever m et w ho ent er tain ed i t,

h e w as w ho ll y u na bl e t o g iv e m e a n i nt el li ge nt r ea son f or i t. H e t ri ed t he l aw s o f na tu re , b ut h e s oo nd ro pp ed t hat. T hen h e s ai d t hat p um pk in s w er e u nalt er ab le i n o rd in ar y exp er ience, and t hat w e all

r ecko ned o n t heir i nf in it el y p ro tr acted p um pk in it y. B ut I p oi nt ed o ut t o h im t hat t hi s w as n ot an att it ud e

w e ado pt s peci al ly t ow ar ds i mp os si bl e m ar vels , b ut s im pl y t he att it ud e w e ado pt t ow ar ds all u nu su al

o cc ur re nc es . I f w e w er e c er ta in o f m ir ac le s w e s ho ul d n ot c ou nt o n t he m. T hi ng s t ha t h ap pe n v er y

s el do m w e a ll l ea ve o ut o f o ur c al cu la ti on s, w he th er t he y a re m ir ac ul ou s o r n ot . I d o n ot e xp ec t a g la ss o f

w at er t o b e t ur ne d i nt o w ine ; bu t ne it he r do I e xpe ct a gl as s o f w at er t o b e po is one d wi th p rus si c a ci d. I

d o n ot i n o rd in ar y b us in es s r el at io ns a ct o n t he a ss um pt io n t ha t t he e di to r i s a f ai ry ; b ut n ei th er d o I a ct o n

t he a ss um pt io n t ha t h e i s a R us si an s py , o r t he l os t h ei r o f t he H ol y R om an E mp ir e. W ha t w e a ss um e i n

a ct ion i s no t t ha t t he n at ur al o rd er i s u na lt er ab le , b ut s im pl y t ha t i t i s m uc h s af er t o be t o n u nc om mo n

i nc id en ts t ha n o n c om mo n o ne s. T hi s d oe s no t t ou ch t he c re di bi li ty o f a ny a tt es te d t al e a bo ut a R us si ans py or a pum pki n t ur ne d i nt o a c oa ch. I f I ha d s ee n a pum pki n t ur ne d i nt o a P anha rd m ot or -c ar w it h my

o wn e ye s t ha t w ou ld n ot m ake m e a ny m or e i nc li ne d t o a ss um e t ha t t he s am e t hi ng w oul d h ap pe n a ga in . I


P a g e 2 8




s hou ld n ot i nv es t l ar ge ly i n p um pki ns w it h a n e ye t o t he m ot or t ra de . C in de re ll a g ot a ba ll dr es s f ro m t he

f ai ry; bu t I d o not s uppo se t ha t s he l ooke d a ft er he r own c lot he s a ny t he l es s a ft er i t.

B ut t he v ie w t ha t f ai ry t al es c an no t r ea ll y h av e h ap pe ne d, t ho ug h c ra zy , i s c om mo n. T he m an I s pe ak o f

d is beli ev ed i n f ai ry t al es i n an even m or e amazi ng and p er vert ed s en se. H e act uall y t ho ug ht t hat f ai ry t al es

o ug ht no t t o b e t ol d t o c hi ld re n. Th at i s ( li ke a b el ie f i n s la ve ry o r a nn ex at ion ) o ne o f t hos e i nt el le ct ua l

err or s w hi ch l ie v er y n ear t o o rd in ar y m or tal s in s. T here are s om e r ef us al s w hi ch , t ho ug h t hey m ay b ed on e w ha t i s c al le d c on sc ie nt io us ly , y et c ar ry s o m uc h o f t he ir w ho le h or ro r i n t he v er y a ct o f t he m, t ha t a

m an m us t i n d oi ng t he m n ot o nl y h ar de n bu t s li gh tl y c or rup t hi s he ar t. O ne o f t he m w as t he r ef us al of m il k

t o y oun g m ot he rs w he n t he ir h us ba nd s w er e i n t he f ie ld a ga ins t u s. A no the r i s t he r ef us al of f ai ry t al es t o

children.

. . . . .

T he m an ha d c om e t o s ee me i n c on ne ct io n wi th s om e s il ly s oc ie ty of wh ic h I a m a n e nt hus ia st ic

m em be r; h e w as a f re sh -c ol ou re d, s ho rt -s ig ht ed y ou ng m an , l ik e a s tr ay c ur at e w ho w as t oo h el pl es s

e ve n t o f ind hi s w ay t o t he Chur ch of E ngla nd. He ha d a c ur ious gr ee n ne ckt ie a nd a ve ry l ong ne ck; I a malw ay s m eeti ng i deal is ts w it h v er y l on g n ecks . P er haps i t i s t hat t heir etern al asp ir at io n s lo wl y l if ts t heir

he ad s ne ar er a nd ne ar er t o t he s ta rs . Or p er ha ps i t h as s om et hi ng t o do wi th t he f ac t t ha t s o m any o f

t he m a re ve ge ta ri an s: p er ha ps t he y a re s low ly e vol vi ng t he ne ck o f t he g ir af fe s o t ha t t he y c an e at a ll t he

t op s o f t he t re es i n K en si ng to n G ar de ns . T he se t hi ng s a re i n e ve ry s en se a bo ve m e. S uc h, a ny ho w, w as

t he y ou ng m an w ho d id n ot b el ie ve i n f ai ry t al es ; a nd b y a c ur io us c oi nc id en ce h e e nt er ed t he r oo m w he n

I h ad j us t f in is hed l oo ki ng t hr ou gh a p il e o f con temp or ar y f icti on , and h ad b eg un t o r ead “Gr im m' s F ai ry

t al es” as a n at ur al con sequ en ce.

T he m od er n n ov el s s to od b ef or e m e, h ow ev er , i n a s ta ck ; a nd y ou c an i ma gi ne t he ir t it le s f or y ou rs el f.

T here w as “Su bu rb an S ue: A T al e o f P sy ch ol og y, ” and als o “Ps ycho lo gi cal S ue: A T al e o f S ub ur bi a”;

t here w as “Tr ix y: A T em perament ,” and “Man- Hate: A M on ochr om e, ” and all t ho se n ice t hi ng s. I r eadt he m w it h r ea l i nt er es t, b ut , c ur io us ly e nou gh , I gr ew t ir ed o f t he m a t l as t, a nd w he n I s aw “ Gr im m' s F ai ry

T al es ” l yi ng a cc id en ta ll y o n t he t ab le , I g av e a c ry o f i nd ec en t j oy . H er e a t l ea st , h er e a t l as t, o ne c ou ld

f in d a l it tl e c om mo n s en se . I o pe ne d t he b oo k, a nd m y e ye s f el l o n t he se s pl en di d a nd s at is fy in g w or ds ,

“ Th e D ra go n' s G ra nd mo th er .” T ha t a t l ea st w as r ea so na bl e; t ha t a t l ea st w as t ru e. “ Th e D ra go n' s

G rand mo th er !” W hi le I w as r ol li ng t hi s f ir st t ou ch o f o rd in ar y h um an r eali ty u po n m y t on gu e, I l oo ked u p

s udd en ly a nd s aw t hi s m on st er w it h a g re en t ie s ta nd in g i n t he d oor wa y.

. . . . .

I l is tened t o w hat h e s ai d abo ut t he s ociety p ol it el y eno ug h, I h op e; b ut w hen h e i ncid en tall y m en ti on edt ha t he di d n ot b el ie ve i n f ai ry t al es , I br oke out be yo nd c ont rol . “ Ma n, ” I s ai d, “ who a re yo u t ha t yo u

s ho ul d no t be li ev e i n f ai ry t al es ? I t i s m uc h e as ie r t o b el ie ve i n B lue B ea rd t ha n t o be li ev e i n y ou . A bl ue

beard is a misfortune; but there are green ties which are sins. It is far easier to believe in a million fairy

t al es t ha n t o b el ie ve i n o ne m an w ho d oe s n ot l ik e f ai ry t al es . I w ou ld r at he r k is s G ri mm i ns te ad o f a

B ibl e a nd s we ar t o a ll h is s to ri es a s i f t he y w er e t hi rt y- ni ne a rt ic le s t ha n s ay s er io us ly a nd o ut of m y h ea rt

t ha t t he re c an be s uc h a m an a s you; t ha t yo u a re not s ome te mpt at ion of th e de vi l or s ome d elu sio n f rom

t he v oi d. L oo k at t hese p lain , h om el y, p ract ical w or ds . ' Th e D rago n' s G rand mo th er ,' t hat i s all r ig ht ; t hat

i s r at io na l a lm os t t o t he v er ge o f r at io na li sm . I f t he re w as a d ra go n, h e h ad a g ra nd mo th er . B ut y ou —y ou

h ad n o g ra nd mo th er ! I f y ou h ad k no wn o ne , s he w ou ld h av e t au gh t y ou t o l ov e f ai ry t al es . Y ou h ad n o

f at he r, y ou h ad n o m ot he r; n o n at ur al c au se s c an e xp la in y ou. Y ou c ann ot b e. I b el ie ve m an y t hi ng s

whi ch I h ave no t s ee n; but of s uc h t hi ngs a s you i t m ay be s ai d, ' Bl es se d i s h e t ha t ha s s ee n a nd ye t ha s

disbelieved.'“


P a g e 2 9




. . . . .

I t s ee me d t o m e t ha t h e d id n ot f ol lo w m e w it h s uf fi ci en t d el ic ac y, s o I m od er at ed m y t on e. “ Ca n y ou

n ot s ee ,” I s ai d, “ th at f ai ry t al es i n t he ir e ss en ce a re q ui te s ol id a nd s tr ai gh tf or wa rd ; b ut t ha t t hi s

everlasting fiction about modern life is in its nature essentially incredible? Folk-lore means that the soul is

s ane , bu t t ha t t he un iv er se i s wi ld a nd f ul l of m ar ve ls . Re al is m m ea ns t ha t t he wo rl d i s d ul l a nd f ul l o f

r ou ti ne , bu t t ha t t he s ou l i s s ic k a nd s cr ea mi ng . Th e pr ob le m o f t he f ai ry t al e i s— w ha t wi ll a h ea lt hy m and o w it h a f an ta st ic w or ld? T he p ro bl em o f t he m od er n no ve l i s— wh at w il l a m adm an d o w it h a du ll

wo rl d? I n t he f ai ry t al es t he c os mos goe s m ad; bu t t he he ro do es not go m ad. I n t he mod er n no ve ls t he

h er o i s m ad b ef or e t he b oo k b eg in s, a nd s uf fe rs f ro m t he h ar sh s te ad in es s a nd c ru el s an it y o f t he c os mo s.

I n t he e xc el le nt t al e of ' Th e D ra go n' s G ra nd mo th er ,' i n a ll t he o th er t al es o f G ri mm , i t i s a ss um ed t ha t t he

y ou ng m an s et ti ng o ut o n h is t ravels w il l h av e all s ub st an ti al t ru th s i n h im ; t hat h e w il l b e b rave, f ul l o f f ai th ,

r ea so na bl e, t ha t h e w il l r es pe ct h is p ar en ts , k ee p h is w or d, r es cu e o ne k in d o f p eo pl e, d ef y a no th er k in d,

' parcere s ub ject is et d eb el lare,' et c. T hen, h av in g as su med t hi s cen tr e o f s ani ty , t he w ri ter ent er tain s

h im self b y f an cy in g w hat w ou ld h ap pen i f t he w ho le w or ld w en t m ad all r ou nd i t, i f t he s un t ur ned g reen

a nd t he m oo n b lu e, i f h or se s h ad s ix l eg s a nd g ia nt s h ad t wo h ea ds . B ut y ou r m od er n l it er at ur e t ak es

i ns an it y as i ts cen tr e. T herefo re, i t l os es t he i nt er es t even o f i ns an it y. A l un at ic i s n ot s tart li ng t o h im self , because he is quite serious; that is what makes him a lunatic. A man who thinks he is a piece of glass is to

hims elf as dull as a pi ece of gl as s. A man who t hinks he is a chi cke n is to hims elf a s c ommon a s a

c hi ck en . I t i s o nl y s an it y t ha t c an s ee e ve n a w il d p oe tr y i n i ns an it y. T he re fo re , t he se w is e o ld t al es m ad e

t he h er o o rd in ar y a nd t he t al e e xt ra or di na ry . B ut y ou h av e m ad e t he h er o e xt ra or di na ry a nd t he t al e

ordinary—so ordinary—oh, so very ordinary.”

I s aw h im s ti ll g az in g a t m e f ix ed ly. S om e n er ve s na pp ed i n m e un de r t he h yp no ti c s ta re . I l ea pt t o m y

f ee t a nd c ri ed , “ In t he n am e o f G od a nd D em oc ra cy a nd t he D ra go n' s g ra nd mo th er —i n t he n am e o f a ll

g oo d t hi ng s— I c ha rg e y ou t o a va un t a nd h au nt t hi s h ou se n o m or e. ” W he th er o r n o i t w as t he r es ul t o f

t he exo rcis m, t here i s n o d ou bt t hat h e d ef in it el y w en t away.

XVII. The Red Angel

I f in d t ha t t he re r ea ll y a re h um an b ei ng s w ho t hi nk f ai ry t al es b ad f or c hi ld re n. I d o n ot s pe ak o f t he m an

i n t he g re en t ie , f or h im I c an n eve r c oun t t ru ly h um an . B ut a l ad y ha s w ri tt en m e a n e ar ne st l et te r s ayi ng

t hat f ai ry t al es ought not to be t aught t o c hil dr en e ve n i f t hey a re t rue . She s ays tha t i t is c rue l t o t ell

chi ld ren f ai ry t al es , b ecau se i t f ri gh tens t hem. Y ou m ig ht j us t as w el l s ay t hat i t i s cru el t o g iv e g ir ls

s en ti ment al n ov el s b ecau se i t m ak es t hem cry . A ll t hi s k in d o f t al k i s b as ed o n t hat com pl et e f or gett in g o f

w ha t a c hi ld i s l ik e w hi ch h as b ee n t he f ir m f ou nd at io n of s o m an y e du ca ti ona l s ch em es . I f yo u ke ep

bogies and goblins away from children they would make them up for themselves. One small child in thed ar k c an i nv en t m or e h el ls t ha n S we de nb or g. O ne s ma ll c hi ld c an i ma gi ne m on st er s t oo b ig a nd b la ck t o

g et i nt o a ny p ic tu re , a nd g iv e t he m n am es t oo u ne ar th ly a nd c ac op ho no us t o h av e o cc ur re d i n t he c ri es o f

any l un at ic. T he chi ld , t o b eg in w it h, com mo nl y l ik es h or ro rs , and h e con ti nu es t o i nd ul ge i n t hem even

w hen h e d oes n ot l ik e t hem. T here i s j us t as m uch d if fi cu lt y i n s ay in g exact ly w here p ur e p ai n b eg in s i n h is

c as e, a s t he re i s i n ou rs w he n we w al k of o ur o wn f re e wi ll i nt o t he t or tur e- cha mbe r of a gr ea t t ra ge dy.

T he f ea r d oe s n ot c om e f ro m f ai ry t al es ; t he f ea r c om es f ro m t he u ni ve rs e o f t he s ou l.

. . . . .

T he t im id it y o f t he c hi ld o r t he s av ag e i s e nt ir el y r ea so na bl e; t he y a re a la rm ed a t t hi s w or ld , b ec au se t hi sw or ld i s a v er y a la rm ing p la ce . T he y d is li ke b ei ng a lon e b ec au se i t i s ve ri ly a nd i nde ed a n a wf ul i de a t o

be alone. Barbarians fear the unknown for the same reason that Agnostics worship it— because it is a


P a g e 3 0




f ac t. F ai ry t al es , t he n, a re n ot r es po ns ib le f or p ro du ci ng i n c hi ld re n f ea r, o r a ny o f t he s ha pe s o f f ea r; f ai ry

t al es do not gi ve t he c hil d the ide a of the evil or t he ugly; tha t i s i n the chi ld a lr eady, be caus e i t is in t he

w or ld a lr ea dy . F ai ry t al es d o n ot g ive t he c hi ld h is f ir st i de a o f b oge y. W ha t f ai ry t al es gi ve t he c hi ld i s h is

f ir st c le ar i de a o f t he p os si bl e d ef ea t o f b og ey . T he b ab y h as k no wn t he d ra go n i nt im at el y e ve r s in ce h e

h ad a n i ma gi na ti on . W ha t t he f ai ry t al e p rov id es f or h im i s a S t. G eo rg e t o ki ll t he d ra go n.

E xa ct ly w ha t t he f ai ry t al e d oe s i s t hi s: i t a cc us to ms hi m f or a s er ie s o f c le ar p ic tu re s t o t he i de a t ha tt hese l im it less t er ro rs h ad a l im it , t hat t hese s hapeless enemi es h av e enemi es i n t he k ni gh ts o f G od , t hat

t here i s s om et hi ng i n t he u ni vers e m or e m ys ti cal t han d ar kn es s, and s tr on ger t han s tr on g f ear. W hen I w as

a c hi ld I h av e s ta re d a t t he d ar kn es s u nt il t he w ho le b la ck b ul k o f i t t ur ne d i nt o o ne ne gr o g ia nt t al le r t ha n

h ea ve n. I f t he re w as o ne s ta r i n t he s ky i t o nl y m ad e h im a C yc lo ps . B ut f ai ry t al es r es to re d m y m en ta l

h ea lt h, f or n ex t d ay I r ea d a n a ut he nt ic a cc ou nt o f h ow a n eg ro g ia nt w it h o ne e ye , o f q ui te e qu al

d im en si on s, h ad b een b af fl ed b y a l it tl e b oy l ik e m ys el f ( of s im il ar i nexp er ience and even l ow er s ocial

s ta tus ) by m ea ns of a s wor d, s om e b ad r id dl es , a nd a b ra ve he ar t. So me ti me s t he s ea a t ni gh t s ee me d a s

d re ad fu l a s a ny d ra go n. B ut t he n I w as a cq ua in te d w it h m an y y ou ng es t s on s a nd l it tl e s ai lo rs t o w ho m a

dra gon or t wo wa s as s imple a s t he s ea.

T ak e t he m os t h or ri bl e o f G ri mm 's t al es i n i ncid en t and i magery , t he excel lent t al e o f t he “Bo y w ho

C ou ld n ot S hu dd er ,” a nd y ou w il l s ee w ha t I m ea n. T he re a re s om e l iv in g s ho ck s i n t ha t t al e. I r em em be r

s peci al ly a m an 's l eg s w hi ch f el l d ow n t he chi mn ey b y t hems el ves and w al ked abo ut t he r oo m, u nt il t hey

w er e r ej oi ne d b y t he s ev er ed h ea d a nd b od y w hi ch f el l d ow n t he c hi mn ey a ft er t he m. T ha t i s v er y g oo d.

B ut t he p oi nt of t he s to ry a nd t he p oi nt of t he r ea de r' s f ee li ng s i s no t t ha t t he se t hi ng s a re f ri gh te ni ng , b ut

t he f ar m or e s tr ik in g f ac t t ha t t he h er o wa s no t f ri gh te ne d a t t he m. Th e m os t f ea rf ul o f a ll t he se f ea rf ul

w on de rs w as h is ow n a bs enc e o f f ea r. H e s la ppe d t he b og ie s o n t he b ac k a nd a sk ed t he de vi ls t o dr in k

w ine w it h h im ; m an y a t im e i n m y yo ut h, w he n s ti fl ed w it h s om e mo de rn mo rbi di ty , I ha ve p ra ye d f or a

doubl e por ti on of hi s s pi rit . I f you ha ve not r ea d t he e nd of his s tor y, go a nd r ea d i t; i t i s t he wi se st t hing

i n t he wor ld . The he ro wa s a t l as t t augh t t o s hud de r by t aki ng a wi fe , w ho t hr ew a pa il of c ol d w at er ove r

h im . I n t ha t o ne s en te nc e t he re i s m or e o f t he r ea l m ea ni ng o f m ar ri ag e t ha n i n a ll t he b oo ks a bo ut s ext hat cov er E ur op e and A mer ica.

. . . . .

A t t he f ou r c or ne rs o f a c hi ld 's b ed s ta nd P er se us a nd R ol an d, S ig ur d a nd S t. G eo rg e. I f y ou w it hd ra w

t he g ua rd o f h er oe s yo u a re n ot ma ki ng hi m r at ion al ; yo u a re o nl y l ea vi ng h im t o f ig ht t he de vi ls a lo ne . F or

t he d ev il s, alas, w e h av e alw ay s b el ieved i n. T he h op ef ul element i n t he u ni vers e h as i n m od er n t im es

con ti nu al ly b een d en ied and r eass ert ed ; b ut t he h op el es s element h as n ev er f or a m om en t b een d en ied.

As I t ol d “ H. N. B .” ( wh om I pa us e t o w is h a H appy C hr is tm as i n i ts mos t s upe rs ti ti ous s ens e) , t he on e

t hi ng m od er n p eo pl e r eall y d o b el ieve i n i s d am nati on . T he g reat es t o f p ur el y m od er n p oets s um med u pthe really modern attitude in that fine Agnostic line—

“ Th er e m ay b e H ea ve n; t he re m us t b e H el l. ”

T he g lo om y v iew o f t he u ni vers e h as b een a con ti nu ou s t radi ti on ; and t he n ew t yp es o f s pi ri tu al

i nv es ti gati on o r con ject ur e all b eg in b y b ei ng g lo om y. A l it tl e w hi le ago m en b el ieved i n n o s pi ri ts . N ow

t hey are b eg in ni ng r at her s lo wl y t o b el ieve i n r at her s lo w s pi ri ts .

. . . . .

S om e p eo pl e o bj ected t o s pi ri tu al is m, t ab le r ap pi ng s, and s uch t hi ng s, b ecau se t hey w er e u nd ig ni fi ed ,

because the ghosts cracked jokes or waltzed with dinner-tables. I do not share this objection in the least.

I w is h t he s pi ri ts w er e m or e f ar ci ca l t ha n t he y a re . T ha t t he y s ho ul d m ak e m or e j ok es a nd b et te r o ne s,


P a g e 3 1




w ou ld b e m y s ugg es ti on. F or a lm os t a ll t he s pi ri tua li sm o f o ur t im e, i n s o f ar a s i t i s ne w, i s s ol em n a nd

s ad . S om e P ag an g od s w er e l aw le ss , a nd s om e C hr is ti an s ai nt s w er e a l it tl e t oo s er io us ; b ut t he s pi ri ts o f

modern spiritualism are both lawless and serious—a disgusting combination. The specially contemporary

s pi ri ts a re n ot on ly de vi ls , t he y a re bl ue de vi ls . T hi s i s, f ir st a nd l as t, t he r ea l va lue o f Ch ri st ma s; i n s o f ar

a s t he m yt ho lo gy r em ai ns a t a ll i t i s a k ind o f h app y m yt hol ogy . P er son al ly, o f c ou rs e, I be li eve i n S ant a

C la us ; bu t i t i s t he s ea so n of f or gi ve ne ss , a nd I w il l f or gi ve o th er s f or n ot d oi ng s o. B ut i f t he re i s a ny on e

w ho d oes n ot com pr eh en d t he d ef ect i n o ur w or ld w hi ch I am civ il is in g, I s ho ul d r ecom mend h im , f or i ns ta nc e, t o r ea d a s to ry by M r. H en ry J am es , c al le d “ The Tu rn of t he S cr ew. ” I t i s one o f t he mo st

powerful things ever written, and it is one of the things about which I doubt most whether it ought ever to

h av e b een w ri tt en at all . I t d es cr ib es t wo i nn ocen t chi ld ren g radu al ly g ro wi ng at o nce o mn is ci en t and

h al f- wi tt ed u nd er t he i nf lu en ce o f t he f ou l g ho st s o f a g ro om a nd a g ov er ne ss . A s I s ay , I d ou bt w he th er

M r. H en ry J am es o ug ht t o h av e p ub li sh ed i t ( no , i t i s n ot i nd ec en t, do n ot b uy i t; i t i s a s pi ri tu al m at te r) ,

but I think the question so doubtful that I will give that truly great man a chance. I will approve the thing

a s w el l a s a dm ir e i t i f he w il l w ri te a no th er t al e j us t a s p ow er fu l a bo ut t wo c hi ld re n a nd S an ta C la us . I f he

w il l n ot , o r can no t, t hen t he con cl us io n i s clear ; w e can d eal s tr on gl y w it h g lo om y m ys tery , b ut n ot w it h

h ap py m ys tery ; w e are n ot r at io nali st s, b ut d iabo li st s.

. . . . .

I ha ve t hought va gue ly of a ll t hi s s tar ing a t a gr eat r ed f ire t ha t s tands up in t he r oom l ike a gr eat r ed

a nge l. B ut , pe rha ps , you ha ve ne ve r he ar d o f a re d a ng el . B ut yo u ha ve he ar d of a bl ue de vi l. Tha t i s

exact ly w hat I m ean.

X VI II . T he T ow er

I h av e b ee n s ta nd in g w he re e ve ry bo dy h as s to od , o pp os it e t he g re at B el fr y T ow er o f B ru ge s, a ndt hi nk in g, as every o ne h as t ho ug ht ( th ou gh n ot , p er haps , s ai d) , t hat i t i s b ui lt i n d ef iance o f all d ecen ci es o f

archi tect ur e. I t i s m ad e i n d el ib er at e d is pr op or ti on t o ach ieve t he o ne s tart li ng eff ect o f h ei gh t. I t i s a

chu rch o n s ti lt s. B ut t hi s s or t o f s ub li me d ef or mi ty i s charact er is ti c o f t he w ho le f an cy and energ y o f t hese

F lemi sh cit ies. F land er s h as t he f latt es t and m os t p ro saic l an ds capes, b ut t he m os t v io lent and ext ravagant

o f bu il di ng s. H er e N at ur e i s t am e; i t i s c iv il is at io n t ha t i s u nt am ab le . H er e t he f ie lds a re a s f la t a s a p av ed

s qu ar e; b ut , on t he o th er h an d, t he s tr ee ts a nd r oo fs a re a s u pr oa ri ou s a s a f or es t i n a gr ea t w in d. T he

w at er s o f w oo d a nd m ea do w s li de a s s mo ot hl y a nd m ee kl y a s i f t he y w er e i n t he L on do n w at er -p ip es .

B ut t he p ar is h p um p i s c ar ve d w it h a ll t he c re at ur es o ut o f t he w il de rn es s. P ar t o f t hi s i s t ru e, o f c ou rs e, o f

a ll a rt . W e t al k of w il d a ni ma ls , bu t t he w il de st a ni ma l i s m an . T he re a re s oun ds i n m us ic t ha t a re m or e

a nc ie nt a nd a wf ul t ha n t he c ry o f t he s tr an ge st b ea st a t n ig ht . A nd s o a ls o t he re a re b ui ld in gs t ha t a re

shapeless in their strength, seeming to lift themselves slowly like monsters from the primal mire, and therea re s pi re s t ha t s ee m t o f ly u p s ud de nl y l ik e a s ta rt le d b ir d.

. . . . .

T hi s s av ag er y even i n s to ne i s t he exp ress io n o f t he s peci al s pi ri t i n h um an it y. A ll t he b east s o f t he f ield

a re r es pe ct ab le ; i t i s on ly m an w ho h as br ok en l oo se . A ll a ni ma ls a re d om es ti c a ni ma ls ; on ly m an i s e ve r

u nd om es ti c. A ll ani mals are t am e ani mals ; i t i s o nl y w e w ho are w il d. A nd d ou bt less , als o, w hi le t hi s

q ueer energ y i s com mo n t o all h um an art , i t i s als o g en er al ly charact er is ti c o f C hr is ti an art amo ng t he art s

o f t he w or ld . T hi s i s w ha t p eo pl e r ea ll y m ea n w he n t he y s ay t ha t C hr is ti an it y i s b ar ba ri c, a nd a ro se i n

i gn or an ce . A s a m at te r o f h is to ri c f ac t, i t d id n' t; i t a ro se i n t he m os t e qu ab ly c iv il is ed p er io d t he w or ld h asever s een .


P a g e 3 2




B ut i t i s t rue t ha t t he re i s s om et hi ng i n i t t ha t b re aks t he o ut li ne of p er fe ct a nd c on ve nt io na l b ea ut y,

s om et hi ng t ha t d ot s w it h a ng er t he b li nd e ye s o f t he A po ll o a nd l as he s t o a c av al ry c ha rg e t he h or se s o f

t he E lg in M ar bl es . C hr is ti an it y i s s av ag e, i n t he s en se t ha t i t i s p ri me va l; t he re i s i n i t a t ou ch o f t he n ig ge r

h ym n. I r em em be r a d eb at e i n w hi ch I h ad p ra is ed m il it an t m us ic i n r it ua l, a nd s om e o ne a sk ed m e i f I

c ou ld i ma gi ne C hr is t w al ki ng d ow n t he s tr ee t b ef or e a b ra ss ba nd . I s ai d I c ou ld i ma gi ne i t w it h t he

g reat es t eas e; f or C hr is t d ef in it el y app ro ved a n at ur al n oi si ness at a g reat m om en t. W hen t he s tr eet

chi ld ren s ho ut ed t oo l ou d, cer tain p ri gg is h d is ci pl es d id b eg in t o r eb uk e t hem i n t he n am e o f g oo d t as te.H e s ai d: “ If t he se w er e s il en t t he v er y s to ne s w ou ld c ry o ut .” W it h t he se w or ds H e c al le d u p a ll t he

w ea lt h o f a rt is ti c c re at io n t ha t h as b ee n f ou nd ed o n t hi s c re ed . W it h t ho se w or ds H e f ou nd ed G ot hi c

a rc hi te ct ur e. F or i n a t ow n l ik e t hi s, w hi ch s ee ms t o h av e g ro wn G ot hi c a s a w oo d g ro ws l ea ve s,

a ny wh er e a nd a ny how , a ny o dd b ri ck o r m ou ldi ng m ay b e c ar ve d o ff i nt o a s ho ut in g f ac e. T he f ro nt o f

v as t b ui ld in gs i s t hr on ged w it h o pen m ou th s, ang el s p rais in g G od , o r d ev il s d ef yi ng H im . R ock i ts el f i s

r ac ke d a nd t wi st ed , u nt il i t s ee ms t o s cr ea m. T he m ir ac le i s a cc om pl is he d; t he v er y s to ne s c ry o ut .

B ut t ho ug h t hi s f ur io us f an cy i s cer tain ly a s peci al ty o f m en amo ng creat ur es , and o f C hr is ti an art amo ng

art s, i t i s s ti ll m os t n ot ab le i n t he art o f F land er s. A ll G ot hi c b ui ld in gs are f ul l o f ext ravagant t hi ng s i n

detail; but this is an extravagant thing in design. All Christian temples worth talking about have gargoyles; but Bruges Belfry is a gargoyle. It is an unnaturally long-necked animal, like a giraffe. The same

i mp re ss io n o f e xa gg er at io n i s f or ce d o n t he m in d a t e ve ry c or ne r o f a F le mi sh t ow n. A nd i f a ny o ne a sk s,

“Why did the people of these flat countries instinctively raise these riotous and towering monuments?” the

o nl y a ns we r o ne c an g iv e i s, “ Be ca us e t he y w er e t he p eo pl e o f t he se f la t c ou nt ri es .” I f a ny o ne a sk s,

“Wh y t he m en o f B ru ges s acri fi ced archi tect ur e and every th in g t o t he s en se o f d izzy and d iv in e h ei gh ts ?”

w e c an o nl y a ns we r, “ Be ca us e N at ur e g av e t he m n o e nc ou ra ge me nt t o d o s o. ”

. . . . .

As I s ta re at t he Be lf ry, I thi nk wi th a s or t of s mi le of s ome of my f rie nds i n London who a re qui te s ur e

o f h ow chi ld ren w il l t ur n o ut i f y ou g iv e t hem w hat t hey cal l “th e r ig ht env ir on ment .” I t i s a t ro ub leso mething, environment, for it sometimes works positively and sometimes negatively, and more often between

t he t wo . A b eaut if ul env ir on ment m ay m ak e a chi ld l ov e b eaut y; i t m ay m ak e h im b or ed w it h b eaut y;

m os t l ik el y t he t wo eff ects w il l m ix and n eu tr al is e each o th er . M os t l ik el y, t hat i s, t he env ir on ment w il l

m ak e h ar dl y any d if ference at all . I n t he s ci en ti fi c s ty le o f h is to ry ( wh ich w as r ecen tl y f as hi on ab le, and i s

s ti ll con vent io nal) w e alw ay s h ad a l is t o f cou nt ri es t hat h ad o wed t heir charact er is ti cs t o t heir p hy si cal

conditions.

T he S pani ard s ( it w as s ai d) are p as si on at e b ecau se t heir cou nt ry i s h ot ; S cand in av ians adv en tu ro us

because their country is cold; Englishmen naval because they are islanders; Switzers free because they

a re m ou nt ai ne er s. I t i s a ll v er y ni ce i n i ts w ay . O nl y un for tu na te ly I a m qu it e c er ta in t ha t I c ou ld m ak e upquite as long a list exactly contrary in its argument point-blank against the influence of their geographical

environment. Thus Spaniards have discovered more continents than Scandinavians because their hot

cli mate d is co ur ag ed t hem f ro m exert io n. T hu s D ut ch men h av e f ou gh t f or t heir f reed om q ui te as b ravely as

S wi tzer s b ecau se t he D ut ch h av e n o m ou nt ai ns . T hu s P ag an G reece and R om e and m an y M ed it er ranean

peoples have specially hated the sea because they had the nicest sea to deal with, the easiest sea to

m an ag e. I c ou ld e xt en d t he l is t f or e ve r. B ut h ow ev er l on g i t w as , t wo e xa mp le s w ou ld c er ta in ly s ta nd u p

i n i t as p re-emi nent and u nq uest io nabl e. T he f ir st i s t hat t he S wi ss , w ho l iv e u nd er s tagg er in g p reci pi ces

a nd s pi re s of e te rna l s no w, h ave p rod uc ed no a rt o r l it er at ur e a t a ll , a nd a re by f ar t he mo st m und ane ,

s ens ib le , a nd b us in es s- li ke p eo pl e i n E ur op e. T he o th er i s t ha t t he p eo pl e o f B el gi um , w ho l iv e i n a

c ou nt ry l ik e a c ar pe t, h av e, b y a n i nn er e ne rg y, d es ir ed t o e xa lt t he ir t ow er s t il l t he y s tr uc k t he s ta rs .

A s i t i s t herefo re q ui te d ou bt fu l w heth er a p er so n w il l g o s peci al ly w it h h is env ir on ment o r s peci al ly

against his environment, I cannot comfort myself with the thought that the modern discussions about


P a g e 3 3




e nv ir onm en t a re o f m uc h p ra ct ic al va lu e. B ut I t hi nk I w il l n ot w ri te a ny m or e a bou t t he se m od er n

t he or ie s, bu t g o o n l oo ki ng a t t he B el fr y o f B ru ge s. I w oul d g iv e t he m t he g re at er a tt ent io n i f I w er e n ot

pretty well convinced that the theories will have disappeared a long time before the Belfry.

XIX. How I Met the President

Se ve ra l ye ars a go, w he n t he re was a s ma ll wa r going on i n Sout h Af ri ca a nd a gre at f us s goi ng on i n

En gl and, wh en i t w as by n o me ans s o p opu la r a nd c onve ni en t t o be a Pr o- Boe r a s i t i s now , I r eme mb er

m ak in g a b ri gh t s ug ge st io n t o m y P ro -B oe r f ri en ds a nd a ll ie s, w hi ch w as n ot , I r eg re t t o s ay , r ec ei ve d

w it h t he s er io us ness i t d es er ved. I s ug gest ed t hat a b an d o f d ev ot ed and n ob le y ou th s, i nclu di ng

o ur se lv es , s ho ul d e xp re ss o ur s en se o f t he p at ho s o f t he P re si de nt 's a nd t he R ep ub li c' s f at e b y g ro wi ng

K ru ger b eard s u nd er o ur chi ns . I i magi ned h ow abr up tl y t hi s d ecor at io n w ou ld alt er t he app earance o f

M r. J oh n M or le y; h ow s ta rt li ng i t w ou ld b e a s i t e me rg ed f ro m u nd er t he c hi n o f M r. L lo yd -G eo rg e. B ut

t he y oun ge r me n, m y ow n f ri end s, o n w hom I m or e p ar ti cu la rl y u rg ed i t, me n wh os e na me s a re i n m an y

c as es f am il ia r t o t he r ea de rs o f t hi s p ap er —M r. M as te rm an 's f or i ns ta nc e, a nd M r. C on ra d N oe l— th ey ,

I f el t, b ei ng y ou ng a nd b ea ut if ul , w ou ld d o e ve n m or e j us ti ce t o t he K ru ge r b ea rd , a nd w he n w al ki ngd ow n t he s tr ee t w it h i t c ou ld n ot f ai l t o a tt ra ct a tt en ti on . T he b ea rd w ou ld h av e b ee n a k in d o f

cou nt er bl as t t o t he R ho des h at . A n app ro pr iate cou nt er bl as t; f or t he R ho desi an p ow er i n A fr ica i s o nl y

a n e xt er na l t hi ng , p la ce d u po n t he t op l ik e a h at ; t he D ut ch p ow er a nd t ra di ti on i s a t hi ng r oo te d a nd

g ro wi ng l ik e a b ea rd ; w e h av e s ha ve d i t, a nd i t i s g ro wi ng a ga in . T he K ru ge r b ea rd w ou ld r ep re se nt t im e

a nd t he n at ur al p ro ce ss es . Y ou c an no t g ro w a b ea rd i n a m om en t o f p as si on .

. . . . .

A ft er m ak in g t hi s p ro po sa l t o m y f ri en ds I h ur ri ed ly l ef t t ow n. I w en t d ow n t o a W es t C ou nt ry p la ce

w here t here w as s ho rt ly aft er ward s an elect io n, at w hi ch I enj oy ed m ys el f v er y m uch can vass in g f or t heL ib er al can di date. T he ext raor di nary t hi ng w as t hat h e g ot i n. I s om et im es l ie awake at n ig ht and m ed it at e

u po n t hat m ys tery ; b ut i t m us t n ot d et ai n u s n ow . T he r at her s in gu lar i ncid en t w hi ch h ap pened t o m e t hen,

and w hi ch s om e r ecen t event s h av e r ecal led t o m e, h ap pened w hi le t he can vass in g w as s ti ll g oi ng o n. I t

w as a b ur ni ng b lu e d ay , and t he w ar m s un sh in e, s et tl in g every wh er e o n t he h ig h h ed ges and t he l ow h il ls ,

brought out into a kind of heavy bloom that HUMANE quality of the landscape which, as far as I know,

o nl y e xi st s i n E ng la nd; t ha t s en se a s i f t he b us he s a nd t he r oa ds w er e h um an , a nd h ad k in dne ss l ik e m en ;

as if the tree were a good giant with one wooden leg; as if the very line of palings were a row of

g oo d- te mp er ed g no me s. O n o ne s id e o f t he w hi te , s pr aw li ng r oa d a l ow h il l o r d ow n s ho we d b ut a l it tl e

h ig he r t ha n t he h ed ge , o n t he o th er t he l an d t um bl ed d ow n i nt o a v al le y t ha t o pe ne d t ow ar ds t he M en di p

hi ll s. T he r oa d wa s ve ry e rr at ic , f or e ve ry t ru e E ngl is h r oa d e xi st s i n or de r t o l ea d one a d anc e; a nd wha t

c oul d be mor e be aut if ul a nd be ne fi ce nt t ha n a da nc e? A t a n a br upt t ur n of i t I c ame upon a l ow w hi te building, with dark doors and dark shuttered windows, evidently not inhabited and scarcely in the

o rd in ar y s en se i nh ab it ab le — a t hi ng m or e l ik e a t oo lh ou se t ha n a h ou se o f a ny o th er k in d. M ad e i dl e b y

t he he at , I pa us ed, a nd, t ak ing a pi ec e of r ed c ha lk out of my p oc ke t, be ga n d ra wi ng a im le ss ly on t he

back door— drawing goblins and Mr. Chamberlain, and finally the ideal Nationalist with the Kruger

beard. The materials did not permit of any delicate rendering of his noble and national expansion of

c oun te na nc e ( st oi ca l a nd y et ho pe fu l, f ul l of t ea rs f or m an, a nd y et o f a n e le me nt o f h um ou r) ; bu t t he h at

w as f in el y h an dl ed . J us t a s I w as a dd in g t he f in is hi ng t ou ch es t o t he K ru ge r f an ta sy , I w as f ro ze n t o t he

s po t w it h t er ro r. T he b la ck d oo r, w hi ch I t ho ug ht n o m or e o f t ha n t he l id o f a n e mp ty b ox , b eg an s lo wl y

t o o pen, i mp el led f ro m w it hi n b y a h um an h an d. A nd P resi dent K ru ger h im self cam e o ut i nt o t he s un li gh t!

H e wa s a s ha de mi ld er o f e ye t ha n h e w as i n h is p or tr ai ts , a nd h e d id n ot w ea r t ha t c er em oni al s ca rf

w hi ch w as u su al ly , i n s uch p ictu res, s lu ng acr os s h is p on dero us f or m. B ut t here w as t he h at w hi ch f il led


P a g e 3 4




t he E mp ir e w it h s o m uc h a la rm ; t he re w er e t he c lu ms y d ar k c lo th es , t he re w as t he h ea vy , p ow er fu l f ac e;

t he re , a bove a ll , wa s t he K rug er be ar d w hi ch I ha d s oug ht t o e vo ke ( if I m ay us e t he ve rb ) f rom un de r

t he f ea tu re s o f M r. M as te rm an . W he th er h e h ad t he u mb re ll a o r n ot I w as t oo m uc h e mo ti on al ly s ha ke n

t o ob se rve ; h e h ad not t he s tone l ion s wi th hi m, o r M rs . K rug er ; a nd w ha t he wa s d oi ng i n t ha t d ar k s he d

I c an no t i ma gi ne , b ut I s up po se h e w as o pp re ss in g a n O ut la nd er .

I w as s ur pr is ed , I m us t c on fe ss , t o m ee t P re si de nt K ru ge r i n S om er se ts hi re d ur in g t he w ar . I h ad n o i de at ha t h e w as i n t he n ei gh bo ur ho od . B ut a y et m or e a rr es ti ng s ur pr is e a wa it ed m e. M r. K ru ge r r eg ar de d

m e f or s om e m om en ts w it h a d ub io us g re y e ye , a nd t he n a dd re ss ed m e w it h a s tr on g S om er se ts hi re

accen t. A cur io us col d s ho ck w en t t hr ou gh m e t o h ear t hat i napp ro pr iate v oi ce com in g o ut o f t hat f am il iar

f or m. I t wa s a s i f you m et a Chi na ma n, wi th pi gt ai l a nd y el low j ac ke t, a nd h e be ga n t o t al k br oa d Sc ot ch.

B ut t he n ex t m om en t, o f c ou rs e, I u nd er st oo d t he s it ua ti on . W e h ad m uc h u nd er ra te d t he B oe rs i n

s up po si ng t hat t he B oer edu cati on w as i ncom pl et e. I n p ur su it o f h is r ut hl es s p lo t again st o ur i sl an d h om e,

t he t er ri bl e P re si de nt h ad l ea rn t n ot o nl y E ng li sh , bu t a ll t he d ia le ct s a t a m om en t' s n ot ic e t o w in o ve r a

L an cash ir e m er ch an t o r s ed uce a N or th um berl an d F us il ier. N o d ou bt , i f I ask ed h im , t hi s s to ut o ld

g en tl em an c ou ld g ri nd o ut S us se x, E ss ex , N or fo lk , S uf fo lk , a nd s o o n, l ik e t he t un es i n a b ar re l o rg an . I

cou ld n ot w on der i f o ur p lain , t ru e- hear ted G er man m il li on ai res f el l b ef or e a cun ni ng s o p en et rated w it hculture as this.

. . . . .

A nd now I c ome t o t he t hi rd a nd gr ea te st s ur pr is e of a ll t ha t t hi s s tr ange ol d m an ga ve me . W he n he

ask ed m e, d ry ly eno ug h, b ut n ot w it ho ut a cer tain s tead y civ il it y t hat b el on gs t o o ld -f as hi on ed cou nt ry

people, what I wanted and what I was doing, I told him the facts of the case, explaining my political

m is si on and t he alm os t ang el ic q uali ti es o f t he L ib er al can di date. W hereup on , t hi s o ld m an b ecam e

s ud denl y t rans fi gu red i n t he s un li gh t i nt o a d ev il o f w rath . I t w as s om e t im e b ef or e I cou ld u nd er st an d a

w or d h e s ai d, b ut t he o ne w or d t ha t k ep t o n r ec ur ri ng w as t he w or d “ Kr ug er ,” a nd i t w as i nv ar ia bl y

a cc om pa ni ed wi th a vol le y of vi ol ent t er ms . W as I fo r ol d K ruge r, w as I ? D id I c om e t o hi m a nd wa nthim t o hel p ol d Kr uge r? I ought t o be a sha med, I wa s . . . a nd her e he be ca me once mor e obsc ure . The

o ne t hi ng t ha t h e m ad e q ui te c le ar w as t ha t h e w ou ld n' t d o a ny th in g f or K ru ge r.

“Bu t y ou A RE K ru ger, ” b ur st f ro m m y l ip s, i n a n at ur al exp lo si on o f r easo nabl en es s. “Yo u A RE K ru ger,

aren't you?”

A ft er t hi s i nn oc en t C RI D E C OE UR o f m in e, I t ho ug ht a t f ir st t he re w ou ld b e a f ig ht , a nd I r em em be re d

w it h r eg re t t ha t t he P re si de nt i n e ar ly l if e h ad h ad a h obb y of ki ll in g l ion s. B ut r ea ll y I be ga n t o t hi nk t ha t I

h ad b ee n m is ta ke n, a nd t ha t i t w as n ot t he P re si de nt a ft er a ll . T he re w as a c on fo un di ng s in ce ri ty i n t he

a ng er w it h w hi ch h e d ec la re d t ha t h e w as F ar me r B ow le s, a nd e ve ry bo dy k no we d i t. I a pp ea se d h ime ve nt ua ll y a nd pa rt ed f ro m hi m a t t he d oor o f h is f ar mh ous e, w he re h e l ef t m e w it h a f ew t ag s o f r el ig ion ,

w hi ch again r ai sed m y s us pi ci on s o f h is i dent it y. I n t he cof fee- ro om t o w hi ch I r et ur ned t here w as an

i ll us tr at ed p ap er w it h a p ic tu re o f P re si de nt K ru ge r, a nd h e a nd F ar me r B ow le s w er e a s l ik e a s t wo p ea s.

T he re w as a p ic tu re a ls o o f a g ro up o f O ut la nd er l ea de rs , a nd t he f ac es o f t he m, l ee ri ng a nd t ri um ph an t,

w er e p er ha ps u nd ul y d ar ke ne d b y t he p ho to gr ap h, b ut t he y s ee me d t o m e l ik e t he f ac es o f a d is ta nt a nd

hostile people.

I s aw t he ol d ma n onc e aga in on t he f ie rc e ni ght of t he pol l, whe n he drove down our Libe ra l li ne s in a

l it tl e c ar t a bl az e w it h t he b lu e T or y r ib bo ns , f or h e w as a m an w ho w ou ld c ar ry h is c ol ou rs e ve ry wh er e. I t

w as e ve ni ng , a nd t he w ar m w es te rn l ig ht w as on t he g re y ha ir a nd h ea vy m as si ve f ea tu re s o f t ha t g oo d

ol d m an. I kn ew a s on e kno ws a f ac t of s ens e t ha t i f Sp ani sh a nd G er ma n s to ckb rok er s ha d f loo de d hi s

f ar m o r cou nt ry h e w ou ld h av e f ou gh t t hem f or ever, n ot f iercel y l ik e an I ri sh man, b ut w it h t he p on dero us

c ou ra ge a nd p on de ro us c un ni ng o f t he B oe r. I k ne w t ha t w it ho ut s ee in g i t, a s c er ta in ly a s I k ne w w it ho ut


P a g e 3 5




s ee ing i t t ha t w he n h e w en t i nt o t he p ol li ng r oo m h e p ut hi s c ro ss a ga ins t t he Co ns er va ti ve n am e. T he n h e

c am e o ut a ga in, h av in g g ive n h is v ot e a nd l oo ki ng m or e l ike K ru ge r t ha n e ve r. A nd a t t he s am e h ou r o n

t he s am e n ig ht t ho us an ds u po n t ho us an ds o f E ng li sh K ru gers g av e t he s am e v ot e. A nd t hu s K ru ger w as

pulled down and the dark-faced men in the photograph reigned in his stead.

XX. The Giant

I s om et ime s f an cy t ha t e ve ry g re at c it y mu st h av e b ee n b ui lt by ni gh t. A t l ea st , i t i s on ly a t ni gh t t ha t

every p ar t o f a g reat cit y i s g reat . A ll archi tect ur e i s g reat archi tectu re aft er s un set; p er haps archi tectu re i s

r ea ll y a n oc tu rn al a rt , l ik e t he a rt o f f ir ew or ks . A t l ea st , I t hi nk m an y p eo pl e o f t ho se n ob le r t ra de s t ha t

work by night (journalists, policemen, burglars, coffee-stall keepers, and such mistaken enthusiasts as

r ef us e t o g o h om e t il l m or ni ng ) m us t o ft en h av e s to od adm ir in g s om e b lack b ul k o f b ui ld in g w it h a cro wn

of ba tt le me nt s or a c re st o f s pi re s a nd t he n b ur st i nt o t ea rs a t da ybr ea k t o d is cov er t ha t i t w as o nl y a

h ab er da sh er 's s ho p w it h h ug e g ol d l et te rs a cr os s t he f ac e o f i t.

. . . . .

I ha d a s ens at io n of t hi s s or t t he o the r da y a s I h ap pe ne d t o b e wa nd er in g i n t he Te mp le Ga rde ns

t ow ar ds t he e nd of t wi li ght . I s at dow n on a b enc h wi th m y ba ck t o t he r ive r, ha ppe ni ng t o c ho os e s uc h a

place that a huge angle and facade of building jutting out from the Strand sat above me like an incubus. I

d ar e s ay t ha t i f I t oo k t he s am e s ea t t o- mo rr ow b y d ay li gh t I s ho ul d f in d t he i mp re ss io n e nt ir el y f al se . I n

s un li gh t t he t hi ng m ig ht s eem alm os t d is tant ; b ut i n t hat h al f- dark ness i t s eemed as i f t he w al ls w er e alm os t

f al li ng u po n m e. N ev er b ef or e h av e I h ad s o s tr on gl y t he s en se w hi ch m ak es p eo pl e p es si mi st s i n p ol it ics,

t he s en se o f t he h op el es s h ei gh t o f t he h ig h p la ce s o f t he e ar th . T ha t p il e o f w ea lt h a nd p ow er , w ha te ve r

w as i ts na me , w en t u p a bo ve a nd b ey on d m e l ik e a c li ff t ha t n o l iv in g t hi ng c oul d c li mb . I ha d a n i rr at ion al

s ense t ha t t hi s t hi ng had t o be f ought, tha t I ha d t o fi ght i t; a nd t ha t I coul d of fe r not hing t o t he oc cas ion but an indolent journalist with a walking-stick.

A lmos t a s I ha d t he t hough t, t wo wi ndow s w er e l it i n t ha t bl ac k, bl ind f ac e. I t w as a s i f t wo e ye s ha d

o pe ne d i n t he h ug e f ac e o f a s le ep in g g ia nt ; t he e ye s w er e t oo c lo se t og et he r, a nd g av e i t t he s ug ge st io n

of a be st ia l s ne er . An d e it he r by a cc ide nt of t hi s l ight or of s ome ot he r, I c oul d n ow r ea d t he bi g l et te rs

w hi ch s pa ce d t he ms el ve s a cr os s t he f ro nt ; i t w as t he B ab yl on H ot el . I t w as t he p er fe ct s ym bo l o f

e ve ry th in g t ha t I s ho ul d l ik e t o p ul l d ow n w it h m y h an ds i f I c ou ld . R ea re d b y a d et ec te d r ob be r, i t i s

f ra me d t o b e t he f as hi on ab le a nd l ux ur io us h om e o f u nd et ec te d r ob be rs . I n t he h ou se o f m an a re m an y

m an si on s; b ut t he re i s a c la ss o f m en w ho f ee l n or ma l no wh er e e xc ep t i n t he B ab yl on H ot el o r i n

D ar tm oo r G ao l. T ha t b ig b la ck f ac e, w hi ch w as s ta ri ng a t m e w it h i ts f la mi ng e ye s t oo c lo se t og et he r, t ha t

w as i nd ee d t he g ia nt o f a ll e pi c a nd f ai ry t al es . B ut , a la s! I w as n ot t he g ia nt -k il le r; t he h ou r h ad c om e, but not the man. I sat down on the seat again (I had had one wild impulse to climb up the front of the

hot el a nd fa ll i n a t one of t he wi ndows ), a nd I t ri ed t o t hi nk, a s a ll de ce nt pe opl e a re t hi nki ng, w ha t one

c an r ea ll y do. And a ll t he t ime t ha t oppr es si ve w all w ent up i n f ront of me , a nd t ook hol d upon t he

h ea ve ns l ik e a h ou se o f t he g od s.

. . . . .

I t i s r em ar ka bl e t ha t i n s o m an y gr ea t wa rs i t h as be en t he d ef ea te d w ho h ave w on. The p eop le wh o

were le ft worst at the end of the war were ge ner ally t he pe opl e who we re left best at t he end of the

w ho le b us in es s. F or i ns ta nc e, t he C ru sa de s e nd ed i n t he d ef ea t o f t he C hr is ti an s. B ut t he y d id n ot e nd i nt he d ec li ne o f t he C hr is ti an s; t he y e nd ed i n t he d ec li ne o f t he S ar ac en s. T ha t h ug e p ro ph et ic w av e o f

M os le m p ow er w hi ch h ad h un g i n t he v er y h ea ve ns a bo ve t he t ow ns o f C hr is te nd om , t ha t w av e w as


P a g e 3 6




broken, and never came on again. The Crusaders had saved Paris in the act of losing Jerusalem. The

s am e a pp li es t o t ha t e pi c o f R ep ub li ca n w ar i n t he e ig ht ee nt h c en tu ry t o w hi ch w e L ib er al s o we o ur

political creed. The French Revolution ended in defeat: the kings came back across a carpet of dead at

W at er lo o. T he R ev ol ut io n h ad l os t i ts l as t b at tl e; b ut i t h ad g ai ne d i ts f ir st o bj ec t. I t h ad c ut a c ha sm . T he

wor ld has ne ver be en the sa me s ince . No one a ft er t hat ha s e ve r be en abl e to t re at t he poor me re ly a s a

pavement.

T he se j ew el s of G od, t he po or , a re s ti ll t re at ed a s m er e s to ne s o f t he s tr ee t; bu t a s s ton es t ha t m ay

s ome ti me s f ly. I f i t pl ea se G od, you a nd I m ay s ee s om e of t he s tone s fl yi ng a ga in be for e we s ee de at h.

B ut h er e I o nl y r em ar k t he i nt er es ti ng f act t hat t he con qu er ed alm os t alw ay s con qu er . S part a k il led

A th en s w it h a f in al b lo w, a nd s he w as b or n a ga in . S pa rt a w en t a wa y v ic to ri ou s, a nd d ie d s lo wl y o f h er

o wn w ou nd s. T he B oe rs l os t t he S ou th A fr ic an W ar a nd g ai ne d S ou th A fr ic a.

A nd t hi s i s r ea ll y a ll t ha t w e c an d o w he n we f ig ht s om et hi ng r ea ll y s tr ong er t ha n ou rs el ve s; w e c an d ea l

i t i ts de at h- woun d one m ome nt ; i t de als us de at h in t he e nd. I t i s s om et hi ng i f we c an s hoc k a nd j ar t he

u nt hi nk in g i mp et us and eno rm ou s i nn ocen ce o f evi l; j us t as a p eb bl e o n a r ai lw ay can s tagg er t he S co tch

exp ress . I t i s eno ug h f or t he g reat m ar ty rs and cri mi nals o f t he F rench r ev ol ut io n, t hat t hey h av e s ur pr is edf or a ll t im e t he s ec re t w ea kn es s o f t he s tr on g. T he y h av e a wa ke ne d a nd s et l ea pi ng a nd q ui ve ri ng i n h is

c ry pt f or e ve r t he c ow ar d i n t he he ar ts of ki ng s.

. . . . .

W he n J ac k t he G ia nt -K il le r r ea ll y f ir st s aw t he g ia nt hi s e xp er ie nc e w as n ot s uc h a s h as b ee n g en er al ly

s uppos ed. I f you ca re t o he ar i t I w ill t ell you t he r ea l s tor y of J ac k t he G ia nt- Ki ll er . To be gi n wi th, t he

m os t a wf ul t hi ng w hi ch J ac k f ir st f el t a bo ut t he g ia nt w as t ha t h e w as no t a g ia nt . H e c am e s tr idi ng a cr os s

an i nt er mi nabl e w oo ded p lain , and again st i ts r em ot e h or izon t he g iant w as q ui te a s mall f ig ur e, l ik e a

f ig ur e i n a p ic tu re —h e s ee me d m er el y a m an w al ki ng a cr os s t he g ra ss . T he n J ac k w as s ho ck ed b y

r em em be ri ng t ha t t he g ra ss w hi ch t he m an w as t re ad in g d ow n w as o ne o f t he t al le st f or es ts u po n t ha t plain. The man came nearer and nearer, growing bigger and bigger, and at the instant when he passed the

possible stature of humanity Jack almost screamed. The rest was an intolerable apocalypse.

T he g ia nt h ad t he o ne f ri gh tf ul q ua li ty of a m ir ac le ; t he m or e h e b ec am e i nc re di bl e t he m or e h e b ec am e

s ol id . T he l es s o ne c ou ld b el ie ve i n h im t he m or e p la in ly o ne c oul d s ee h im . I t w as u nb ea ra bl e t ha t s o

mu ch o f t he s ky s houl d be oc cupi ed by one hum an f ac e. Hi s e ye s, whi ch ha d s too d ou t l ike bow

w in do ws , b ecam e b ig ger y et , and t here w as n o m et ap ho r t hat cou ld con tain t heir b ig ness ; y et s ti ll t hey

w er e h um an eyes. J ack' s i nt el lect w as u tt er ly g on e u nd er t hat h ug e h yp no ti sm o f t he f ace t hat f il led t he

s ky ; h is l as t h op e w as s ub merg ed , h is f iv e w it s all s ti ll w it h t er ro r.

B ut t he re s to od u p i n h im s ti ll a k ind o f c ol d c hi va lr y, a di gni ty o f d ea d ho no ur t ha t w ou ld no t f or ge t t he

s ma ll a nd f ut il e s wo rd i n hi s h an d. H e r us he d a t o ne o f t he c ol os sa l f ee t o f t hi s hu ma n t ow er , a nd w he n h e

c am e q ui te c los e t o i t t he a nkl e- bone a rc he d ov er hi m l ike a c ave . The n he pl ant ed t he po int o f hi s s wor d

a ga in st t he f oot a nd l ea nt on i t w it h a ll hi s w ei gh t, t il l i t w ent up t o t he hi lt a nd b ro ke t he h il t, a nd t he n

s na pp ed j us t und er i t. And i t wa s p la in t ha t t he gi ant f el t a s or t of pr ic k, f or he s na tc he d up h is gr ea t f oot

i nt o h is g re at h an d f or a n i ns ta nt ; a nd t he n, p ut ti ng i t d ow n a ga in , h e b en t o ve r a nd s ta re d a t t he g ro un d

u nt il h e h ad s een h is enemy .

T he n h e pi cke d up J ac k b et we en a bi g f inge r a nd t hum b a nd t hr ew hi m a wa y; a nd a s J ac k we nt t hr ough

t he a ir h e f el t a s i f h e w er e f ly ing f rom s ys te m t o s ys te m t hr ou gh t he u ni ve rs e o f s ta rs . B ut , a s t he g ia nt

ha d t hr ow n hi m a wa y c ar el es sl y, he di d not s tr ike a s tone , b ut s tr uc k s of t mi re by t he s id e of a d is ta nt

r iv er . T here h e l ay i ns en si bl e f or s ev er al h ou rs ; b ut w hen h e awo ke again h is h or ri bl e con qu er or w as s ti ll

i n s igh t. He w as s tr idi ng a wa y a cr os s t he vo id a nd wo ode d p la in t ow ar ds wh er e i t e nde d i n t he s ea ; a nd


P a g e 3 7




by this time he was only much higher than any of the hills. He grew less and less indeed; but only as a

r ea ll y h ig h m ou nt ai n gr ow s a t l as t l es s a nd l es s wh en we l ea ve i t i n a r ai lw ay t ra in . H al f a n ho ur

a ft er wa rd s h e w as a br ig ht bl ue c ol ou r, a s a re t he di st an t h il ls ; b ut hi s o ut li ne w as s ti ll hu ma n a nd s ti ll

gi ga nti c. Then the big bl ue f igur e s eem ed t o c ome t o t he br ink of t he big blue s ea , and e ven as it di d s o i t

alt er ed i ts att it ud e. J ack, s tu nn ed and b leed in g, l if ted h im self l ab or io us ly u po n o ne elb ow t o s tare. T he

g ia nt o nc e m or e c au gh t h ol d o f h is a nk le , w av er ed t wi ce a s i n a w in d, a nd t he n w en t o ve r i nt o t he g re at

s ea w hi ch w as he s t he w ho le w or ld , a nd w hi ch , a lo ne o f a ll t hi ng s G od h as m ad e, w as b ig e no ug h t odrown him.

XXI. A Great Man

P eo pl e a cc us e j ou rn al is m o f b ei ng t oo p er so na l; b ut t o m e i t h as a lw ay s s ee me d f ar t oo i mp er so na l. I t i s

c ha rg ed w it h t ea ri ng a wa y t he v ei ls f ro m p ri va te l if e; b ut i t s ee ms t o m e t o b e a lw ay s d ro pp in g

d iaph an ou s b ut b li nd in g v ei ls b et ween m en and m en . T he Y el lo w P ress i s abu sed f or exp os in g f acts

w hi ch are p ri vate; I w is h t he Y el lo w P ress d id any th in g s o v al uabl e. I t i s exact ly t he d ecis iv e i nd iv id ual

t ouc he s that it neve r give s; a nd a pr oof of t hi s i s that a ft er one has me t a man a mil li on t ime s i n then ew sp ap er s i t i s a lw ay s a c om pl et e s ho ck a nd r ev er sa l t o m ee t h im i n r ea l l if e. T he Y el lo w P re ss ma n

s ee ms t o h av e n o p ow er o f c at ch in g t he f ir st f re sh f ac t a bo ut a m an t ha t d om in at es a ll a ft er i mp re ss io ns .

F or i ns ta nc e, b ef or e I m et B er na rd S ha w I h ea rd t ha t h e s po ke w it h a r ec kl es s de si re f or pa ra do x or a

s ne er in g h at re d o f s en ti me nt ; b ut I ne ve r k ne w t il l h e o pe ne d h is m ou th t ha t h e s pok e w it h a n I ri sh a cc en t,

w hi ch i s m or e i mp or tant t han all t he o th er cri ti ci sm s p ut t og et her.

J ou rn al is m i s n ot p er so nal eno ug h. S o f ar f ro m d ig gi ng o ut p ri vate p er so nali ti es , i t can no t even r ep or t t he

o bv io us p er so nali ti es o n t he s ur face. N ow t here i s o ne v iv id and even b od il y i mp ress io n o f t hi s k in d

w hi ch w e ha ve a ll f el t w he n we m et g re at po et s or p ol it ic ia ns , b ut w hi ch n ev er f in ds i ts w ay i nt o t he

n ew sp ap er s. I m ea n t he i mp re ss io n t ha t t he y a re m uc h o ld er t ha n w e t ho ug ht t he y w er e. W e c on ne ctg reat m en w it h t heir g reat t ri um ph s, w hi ch g en er al ly h ap pened s om e y ears ago , and m an y r ecru it s

ent hu si as ti c f or t he t hi n N ap ol eo n o f M ar en go m us t h av e f ou nd t hems el ves i n t he p resence o f t he f at

Napoleon of Leipzic.

I r em em ber r eadi ng a n ew sp ap er accou nt o f h ow a cer tain r is in g p ol it ician con fr on ted t he H ou se o f

L or ds w it h t he ent hu si as m alm os t o f b oy ho od . I t d es cr ib ed h ow h is “br av e y ou ng v oi ce” r an g i n t he

r af te rs . I a ls o r em em be r t ha t I m et h im s om e d ay s a ft er , a nd h e w as c on si de ra bl y o ld er t ha n m y o wn

f at her. I m en ti on t hi s t ru th f or o nl y o ne p ur po se: all t hi s g en er al is at io n l eads u p t o o nl y o ne f act— th e f act

t ha t I on ce m et a gr ea t m an w ho w as y oun ge r t ha n I e xpe ct ed.

. . . . .

I h ad c om e o ve r t he w oo de d w al l f ro m t he v il la ge s a bo ut E ps om , a nd d ow n a s tu mb li ng p at h b et we en

t rees t ow ar ds t he v al ley i n w hi ch D or ki ng l ies. A w ar m s un li gh t w as w or ki ng i ts w ay t hr ou gh t he l eafage;

a s un li gh t w hi ch t ho ug h o f s ai nt less g ol d h ad t ak en o n t he q uali ty o f eveni ng . I t w as s uch s un li gh t as

r em inds a ma n t ha t t he s un be gi ns t o s et a n i ns ta nt a ft er noon . I t s ee me d t o l es se n a s t he w ood

s t reng t hened and t he r oad s ank .

I h ad a s en sa ti on p ec ul ia r t o s uc h e nt an gl ed d es ce nt s; I f el t t ha t t he t re et op s t ha t c lo se d a bo ve m e w er e

t he f ix ed a nd r ea l t hi ng s, c er ta in a s t he l ev el o f t he s ea ; b ut t ha t t he s ol id e ar th w as e ve ry i ns ta nt f ai li ng

u nd er m y f eet. I n a l it tl e w hi le t hat s pl en di d s un li gh t s ho wed o nl y i n s pl as hes, l ik e f lami ng s tars and s un s i nt he d om e o f g re en s ky . A ro un d m e i n t ha t e me ra ld t wi li gh t w er e t ru nk s o f t re es o f e ve ry p la in o r t wi st ed

t yp e; i t w as l ik e a chapel s up po rt ed o n col um ns o f every ear th ly and u near th ly s ty le o f archi tect ur e.


P a g e 3 8




W it ho ut i nt en ti on m y m in d g rew f ul l o f f an ci es o n t he n at ur e o f t he f or es t; o n t he w ho le p hi lo so ph y o f

m ys tery and f or ce. F or t he m eani ng o f w oo ds i s t he com bi nati on o f energ y w it h com pl ex it y. A f or es t i s

n ot i n t he l ea st r ud e o r b ar ba ro us ; i t i s o nl y d en se w it h d el ic ac y. U ni qu e s ha pe s t ha t a n a rt is t w ou ld c op y

o r a p hi lo so ph er w at ch f or y ea rs i f h e f ou nd t he m i n a n o pe n p la in a re h er e m in gl ed a nd c on fo un de d; b ut

i t i s n ot a da rkne ss of de fo rmi ty . I t i s a da rkn es s o f l if e; a da rk ne ss of pe rf ec ti on. A nd I be ga n t o t hi nk

h ow m uch o f t he h ig hest h um an o bs cu ri ty i s l ik e t hi s, and h ow m uch m en h av e m is un ders to od i t. P eo pl ew il l t el l y ou , f or i ns ta nc e, t ha t t he ol og y b ec am e e la bo ra te b ec au se i t w as d ea d. B el ie ve m e, i f i t h ad b ee n

d ea d i t w ou ld n ev er h av e b ec om e e la bo ra te ; i t i s o nl y t he l iv e t re e t ha t g ro ws t oo m an y b ra nc he s.

. . . . .

Th es e t re es t hi nne d a nd f el l a wa y f rom e ac h o the r, a nd I c ame ou t i nt o d ee p gr as s a nd a r oa d. I

r em em be r b ei ng s ur pr is ed t ha t t he e ve ni ng w as s o f ar a dv an ce d; I h ad a f an cy t ha t t hi s v al le y h ad a

s un se t a ll t o i ts el f. I w en t a lo ng t ha t r oa d a cc or di ng t o d ir ec ti on s t ha t h ad b ee n g iv en m e, a nd p as se d t he

g at ewa y i n a s li gh t pa li ng be yon d w hi ch t he w oo d c ha ng ed on ly f ai nt ly t o a ga rde n. I t w as a s i f t he

c ur io us c ou rt es y a nd f in ene ss o f t ha t c ha ra ct er I w as t o m ee t w ent o ut f ro m h im u pon t he v al le y; f or I f el to n all t hese t hi ng s t he f in ger o f t hat q uali ty w hi ch t he o ld E ng li sh cal led “faer ie”; i t i s t he q uali ty w hi ch

t ho se c an n ev er u nd er st an d w ho t hi nk o f t he p as t a s m er el y b ru ta l; i t i s a n a nc ie nt e le ga nc e s uc h a s t he re

i s i n t re es . I w ent t hr oug h t he g ar de n a nd s aw a n ol d m an s it ti ng b y a t ab le , l oo ki ng s ma ll is h i n h is bi g

c ha ir . He wa s a lr ea dy a n i nv al id, a nd h is ha ir a nd b ea rd w er e bot h whi te ; not l ike s no w, f or s no w i s c ol d

and h eavy , b ut l ik e s om et hi ng f eath er y, o r even f ierce; r at her t hey w er e w hi te l ik e t he w hi te t hi st ledo wn . I

came up quite close to him; he looked at me a s he put out his frail hand, and I saw of a sudden that his

e ye s w ere s ta rt li ngl y y oung. H e wa s th e one gr ea t m an of t he ol d wor ld w hom I ha ve me t who w as not a

m er e s ta tu e o ve r h is o wn g ra ve .

He wa s de af and he ta lked l ike a torr ent . He did not t alk about the books he ha d wri tt en; he wa s f ar too

m uc h a li ve f or t ha t. H e t al ke d a bo ut t he b oo ks h e h ad n ot w ri tt en . H e u nr ol le d a p ur pl e b un dl e o f r om anc es whi ch he ha d ne ve r ha d t ime t o s el l. He a ske d me t o w ri te o ne o f t he s tor ie s f or h im, a s he

w ou ld h av e a sk ed t he m il km an , i f h e ha d b ee n t al ki ng t o t he m il km an . I t w as a s pl en di d a nd f ra nt ic s to ry ,

a s or t of a st ronomi ca l f ar ce . I t wa s a ll a bout a ma n w ho wa s r us hi ng up t o t he R oya l Soc ie ty wi th t he

o nl y p os si bl e w ay o f avo id in g an ear th -d es tr oy in g com et ; and i t s ho wed h ow , even o n t hi s h ug e err an d,

t he m an wa s t ri ppe d up a t e ve ry ot he r mi nut e by hi s own we akne ss a nd va ni ti es; how he l os t a t ra in by

t ri fl in g o r w as p ut i n g ao l f or b ra wl in g. T ha t i s o nl y o ne of t he m; t he re w er e t en o r t we nt y m or e. A no th er ,

I d im ly r em em be r, w as a v er si on o f t he f al l o f P ar ne ll ; t he i de a t ha t a q ui te h on es t m an m ig ht b e s ec re t

f ro m a p ur e l ov e o f s ec re cy , o f s ol it ar y s el f- co nt ro l. I w en t o ut o f t ha t g ar de n w it h a b lu rr ed s en sa ti on o f

t he m il li on p os si bi li ti es o f creat iv e l it er at ur e. T he f eeli ng i ncreas ed as m y w ay f el l b ack i nt o t he w oo d; f or

a w oo d i s a p al ac e w it h a m il li on c or ri do rs t ha t c ro ss e ac h o th er e ve ry wh er e. I r ea ll y h ad t he f ee li ng t ha t Ih ad s ee n t he c re at iv e q ua li ty; w hi ch i s s upe rn at ur al . I h ad s ee n w ha t V ir gi l c al ls t he O ld M an of t he

For es t: I ha d s ee n a n e lf . The tr ee s t hr onge d b ehi nd m y pa th; I ha ve ne ve r s ee n hi m a ga in; a nd now I

s ha ll n ot s ee h im , b ec au se h e d ie d l as t T ue sd ay .

X XI I. T he O rt ho do x B ar be r

T ho se t hi nk er s w ho can no t b el ieve i n any g od s o ft en ass er t t hat t he l ov e o f h um an it y w ou ld b e i n i ts el f

s uf fi ci en t f or t he m; a nd s o, pe rha ps , i t w ou ld , i f t he y h ad i t. T he re i s a v er y r ea l t hi ng w hi ch m ay b e c al le d

t he l ov e o f h um an it y; i n o ur t im e i t exi st s alm os t ent ir el y amo ng w hat are cal led u nedu cated p eo pl e; and i tdoe s n ot e xi st a t a ll a mong t he pe opl e who t al k a bout i t.


P a g e 3 9




A p os it iv e p leas ur e i n b ei ng i n t he p resence o f any o th er h um an b ei ng i s chi ef ly r em ar kabl e, f or i ns tance,

i n t he m as se s o n B an k H ol id ay ; t ha t i s w hy t he y a re s o m uc h n ea re r H ea ve n ( de sp it e a pp ea ra nc es ) t ha n

any o th er p ar t o f o ur p op ul at io n.

I r em em be r s ee in g a c ro wd o f f ac to ry g ir ls g et ti ng i nt o a n e mp ty t ra in a t a w ay si de c ou nt ry s ta ti on . T he re

w er e a bo ut t we nt y o f t he m; t he y a ll g ot i nt o o ne c ar ri ag e; a nd t he y l ef t a ll t he r es t o f t he t ra in e nt ir el y

emp ty . T hat i s t he r eal l ov e o f h um an it y. T hat i s t he d ef in it e p leas ur e i n t he i mm ed iate p ro xi mi ty o f o ne'so wn k in d. O nl y t hi s c oa rs e, r an k, r ea l l ov e o f m en s ee ms t o b e e nt ir el y l ac ki ng i n t ho se w ho p ro po se t he

love of humanity as a substitute for all other love; honourable, rationalistic idealists.

I c an w el l r em em be r t he e xp los ion o f h um an j oy w hi ch m ar ke d t he s udd en s ta rt in g o f t ha t t ra in; a ll t he

f acto ry g ir ls w ho cou ld n ot f in d s eats ( an d t hey m us t h av e b een t he m aj or it y) r el ievi ng t heir f eeli ng s b y

jumping up and down. Now I have never seen any rationalistic idealists do this. I have never seen twenty

m od er n p hi lo so ph er s cro wd i nt o o ne t hi rd -cl as s carr iage f or t he m er e p leasu re o f b ei ng t og et her. I h av e

n ev er s ee n t we nt y M r. M cC ab es a ll i n o ne c ar ri ag e a nd a ll j um pi ng u p a nd d ow n.

S om e p eo pl e exp ress a f ear t hat v ul gar t ri pp er s w il l o verr un all b eaut if ul p laces, s uch as H am ps tead o r B ur nh am B eech es . B ut t heir f ear i s u nr eas on ab le; b ecau se t ri pp er s alw ay s p refer t o t ri p t og et her; t hey

pack as close as they can; they have a suffocating passion of philanthropy.

. . . . .

B ut amo ng t he m in or and m il der asp ects o f t he s am e p ri ncip le, I h av e n o h es it at io n i n p laci ng t he

problem of the colloquial barber. Before any modern man talks with authority about loving men, I insist (I

i ns is t w it h vi ol en ce ) t ha t h e s ha ll a lw ay s b e v er y m uc h p le as ed w he n h is b ar be r t ri es t o t al k t o h im . H is

barber is humanity: let him love that. If he is not pleased at this, I will not accept any substitute in the way

of i nt er es t i n t he Congo or t he f ut ur e of J apa n. I f a ma n c anno t l ove hi s ba rbe r w hom he ha s s ee n, how

s ha ll he l ove t he J ap ane se w hom he ha s not s ee n?

I t i s ur ge d a ga ins t t he ba rbe r t ha t he be gi ns by t al ki ng a bout t he w ea the r; s o d o a ll d uke s a nd

diplomatists, only that they talk about it with ostentatious fatigue and indifference, whereas the barber

t al ks abo ut i t w it h an ast on is hi ng , n ay i ncredi bl e, f resh ness o f i nt er es t. I t i s o bj ected t o h im t hat h e t el ls

people that they are going bald. That is to say, his very virtues are cast up against him; he is blamed

because, being a specialist, he is a sincere specialist, and because, being a tradesman, he is not entirely a

s la ve . B ut t he o nl y p ro of o f s uc h t hi ng s i s by e xa mp le ; t he re fo re I w il l p ro ve t he e xc el le nc e o f t he

c on ve rs at io n o f b ar be rs b y a s pe ci fi c c as e. L es t a ny o ne s ho ul d a cc us e m e o f a tt em pt in g t o p ro ve i t b y

f icti ti ou s m eans , I b eg t o s ay q ui te s er io us ly t hat t ho ug h I f or get t he exact l an gu ag e emp lo yed, t he

f ol lo wi ng con vers at io n b et ween m e and a h um an ( I t ru st ), l iv in g b ar ber r eall y t oo k p lace a f ew d ay s ago .

. . . . .

I ha d be en i nvi te d t o s ome At Hom e t o me et t he Col on ia l Pr em ie rs , a nd l es t I s hou ld be mi st ake n f or

s om e p ar tl y r ef or me d b us h- ra ng er o ut o f t he i nt er io r o f A us tr al ia I w en t i nt o a s ho p i n t he S tr an d t o g et

s ha ve d. W hi le I w as u nd er go in g t he t or tu re t he m an s ai d t o m e:

“ Th ere s ee ms t o be a l ot in t he pa pe rs ab out t hi s ne w s ha vi ng, s ir . I t s ee ms you c an s ha ve your se lf w ith

anything—with a s tick or a st one or a pole or a poker ” (he re I be ga n for t he fi rst ti me t o de tect a

s ar cast ic i nt on at io n) “or a s ho vel o r a—— ”

H er e h e h es it at ed f or a w or d, a nd I , a lt ho ug h I k ne w n ot hi ng a bo ut t he m at te r, h el pe d h im o ut w it h

suggestions in the same rhetorical vein.


P a g e 4 0




“ Or a b ut to n- ho ok ,” I s ai d, “ or a b lu nd er bu ss o r a b at te ri ng -r am o r a p is to n- ro d— —”

H e r es um ed , r ef re sh ed w it h t hi s a ss is ta nc e, “ Or a c ur ta in r od o r a c an dl e- st ic k, o r a —— ”

“ Co w- ca tc he r, ” I s ug ge st ed e ag er ly , a nd w e c on ti nu ed i n t hi s e cs ta ti c d ue t f or s om e t im e. T he n I a sk ed

h im w ha t i t w as a ll a bou t, a nd h e t ol d m e. H e e xp la ine d t he t hi ng e lo que nt ly a nd a t l eng th .

“ Th e f unny pa rt of i t i s,” he s ai d, “ tha t t he t hi ng i sn' t n ew a t a ll . I t's be en t al ke d ab out e ve r s inc e I wa s a

boy, and long before. There is always a notion that the razor might be done without somehow. But none

o f t ho se s ch em es ever cam e t o any th in g; and I d on 't b el ieve m ys el f t hat t hi s w il l. ”

“ Why, as t o t ha t, ” I sa id, r isi ng s lowl y fr om t he c ha ir a nd t rying t o put on my c oa t i ns ide out , “ I don' t

know how i t ma y be i n t he c ase of you a nd your ne w s ha ving. Shavi ng, wit h al l re spe ct t o you, i s a tr ivi al

and materialistic thing, and in such things startling inventions are sometimes made. But what you say

r em in ds m e i n s om e d ar k and d ream y f as hi on o f s om et hi ng els e. I r ecal l i t esp eciall y w hen y ou t el l m e,

w it h s uch evi dent exp er ience and s in ceri ty , t hat t he n ew s havi ng i s n ot r eall y n ew . M y f ri en d, t he h um anr ace i s alw ay s t ry in g t hi s d od ge o f m ak in g every th in g ent ir el y eas y; b ut t he d if fi cu lt y w hi ch i t s hi ft s o ff o ne

t hing it s hi fts on to a not he r. I f one ma n ha s not t he t oil of pr epa ring a ma n's chi n, I suppos e t ha t s ome

o th er m an ha s t he t oi l o f p re pa ri ng s om et hi ng v er y c ur io us t o p ut o n a m an 's c hi n. I t w ou ld b e n ic e i f w e

cou ld b e s haved w it ho ut t ro ub li ng any bo dy . I t w ou ld b e n icer s ti ll i f w e cou ld g o u ns haved w it ho ut

annoying anybody—

“ 'B ut , O w is e f ri en d, c hi ef B ar be r o f t he S tr an d,

B ro th er , no r yo u no r I ha ve m ade t he w or ld .'

“ Wh oe ve r m ad e i t, w ho i s w is er , a nd w e h op e b et te r t ha n w e, m ad e i t u nd er s tr an ge l im it at io ns , a nd

with painful conditions of pleasure.

“ In t he f ir st a nd da rke st of i ts books i t i s fi er ce ly wr it te n t ha t a m an s ha ll not e at h is c ake a nd ha ve it ; a nd

t ho ug h a ll m en t al ke d u nt il t he s ta rs w er e ol d i t w ou ld s ti ll b e t ru e t ha t a m an w ho h as l os t h is r az or c ou ld

n ot s ha ve w it h i t. B ut e ve ry n ow a nd t he n m en j um p u p w it h t he n ew s om et hi ng o r o th er a nd s ay t ha t

e ve ry th in g c an b e ha d w it hou t s ac ri fi ce , t ha t b ad i s g oo d i f y ou a re o nl y e nl ig ht ene d, a nd t ha t t he re i s n o

r eal d if ference b et ween b ei ng s haved and n ot b ei ng s haved. T he d if ference, t hey s ay , i s o nl y a d if ference

of degree; everything is evolutionary and relative. Shavedness is immanent in man. Every ten-penny nail is

a P ot en ti al R az or . T he s up er st it io us p eo pl e o f t he p as t ( th ey s ay ) b el ie ve d t ha t a l ot o f b la ck b ri st le s

s ta nd in g o ut a t r ig ht a ng le s t o o ne 's f ac e w as a p os it iv e a ff ai r. B ut t he h ig he r c ri ti ci sm t ea ch es u s b et te r.

B ri st les are m er el y n eg at iv e. T hey are a S hado w w here S havi ng s ho ul d b e.

“ We ll , i t al l goe s on, a nd I s uppos e i t a ll me ans s ome thi ng. B ut a ba by i s t he Kingdom of God, and if you

t ry t o ki ss a ba by he w il l know whe the r you a re s ha ve d or n ot . P er ha ps I a m m ixi ng up be ing s ha ve d a nd

being saved; my democratic sympathies have always led me to drop my 'h's.' In another moment I may

s ug gest t hat g oats r epr es en t t he l os t b ecau se g oats h av e l on g b eard s. T hi s i s g ro wi ng alt og et her t oo

allegorical.

“ Ne ve rt he le ss ,” I a dd ed , a s I p ai d t he b il l, “ I h av e r ea ll y b ee n p ro fo un dl y i nt er es te d i n w ha t y ou t ol d m e

a bo ut t he N ew S ha vi ng . H av e y ou e ve r h ea rd o f a t hi ng c al le d t he N ew t he ol og y? ”

He s mi le d a nd s ai d t ha t he ha d not .


P a g e 4 1




XXII I. Th e T oy Th ea tre

T he re i s o nl y one r ea son w hy a ll gr own- up pe opl e do not pl ay w it h t oys ; a nd i t i s a f ai r r ea so n. T he

r easo n i s t hat p layi ng w it h t oy s t ak es s o v er y m uch m or e t im e and t ro ub le t han any th in g els e. P layi ng as

c hi ld re n m ea n pl ay in g i s t he m os t s er io us t hi ng i n t he wo rl d; a nd a s s oon a s we ha ve s ma ll du ti es or s ma ll

s or ro ws w e h av e t o a ba nd on t o s om e e xt en t s o e no rm ou s a nd a mb it io us a p la n o f l if e. W e h av e e no ug h

s tr en gt h f or p ol it ics and com merce and art and p hi lo so ph y; w e h av e n ot eno ug h s tr en gt h f or p lay. T hi s i s

a t ru th w hi ch e ve ry o ne w il l r ec ogn iz e w ho , a s a c hi ld , h as e ve r pl aye d w it h a ny th in g a t a ll ; a ny o ne w ho

h as p la ye d w it h b ri ck s, a ny o ne w ho h as p la ye d w it h d ol ls , a ny o ne w ho h as p la ye d w it h t in s ol di er s. M y

journalistic work, which earns money, is not pursued with such awful persistency as that work which

earned nothing.

. . . . .

T ak e t he c as e o f b ri ck s. I f y ou p ub li sh a b oo k t o- mo rr ow i n t we lv e v ol um es ( it w ou ld b e j us t l ik e y ou )

o n “ Th e T he or y a nd P ra ct ic e o f E ur op ea n A rc hi te ct ur e, ” y ou r w or k m ay b e l ab or io us , b ut i t i s

f un da me nt al ly f ri vo lou s. I t i s n ot s er io us a s t he w or k of a c hi ld p il in g on e b ri ck o n t he ot he r i s s er io us ; f or t he s im pl e r ea son t ha t i f your book i s a ba d book no one wi ll e ve r be a bl e ul ti ma te ly a nd e nt ir el y t o pr ove

t o you t ha t i t i s a ba d book. W he re as i f hi s ba la nc e of b ri cks i s a b ad ba la nc e o f br ic ks , i t wi ll s impl y

t um bl e d ow n. A nd i f I k no w a nyt hi ng of c hi ld re n, h e w il l s et t o w or k s ol em nl y a nd s adl y t o b ui ld i t u p

again . W hereas , i f I k no w any th in g o f aut ho rs , n ot hi ng w ou ld i nd uce y ou t o w ri te y ou r b oo k again , o r

e ve n t o t hi nk of i t a ga in i f y ou c oul d he lp i t.

Ta ke t he c as e of dol ls. It is much eas ier to ca re f or a n educ ati onal c aus e than t o ca re f or a dol l. I t is a s

e as y t o wr it e a n a rt ic le on e duc at io n a s t o wr it e a n a rt ic le on to ff ee or t ra mc ar s or a nyt hi ng e ls e. But i t i s

a lm os t a s di ff ic ul t t o l oo k a ft er a do ll a s t o l oo k a ft er a c hi ld . T he l it tl e g ir ls t ha t I m ee t i n t he l it tl e s tr ee ts

o f B at te rs ea w or sh ip t he ir d ol ls i n a w ay t ha t r em in ds o ne n ot s o m uc h o f p la y a s i do la tr y. I n s om e c as est he l ov e and car e o f t he art is ti c s ym bo l h as act uall y b ecom e m or e i mp or tant t han t he h um an r eali ty w hi ch

i t w as , I s up po se, o ri gi nall y m eant t o s ym bo li ze.

I r em em ber a B at ters ea l it tl e g ir l w ho w heel ed h er l ar ge b ab y s is ter s tu ff ed i nt o a d ol l' s p er am bu lato r.

W he n q ue st io ne d o n t hi s c ou rs e o f c on du ct , s he r ep li ed : “ I h av en 't g ot a d ol ly , a nd B ab y i s p re te nd in g t o

be my dolly.” Nature was indeed imitating art. First a doll had been a substitute for a child; afterwards a

c hi ld w as a m er e s ub st it ut e f or a d ol l. B ut t ha t o pe ns o th er m at te rs ; t he p oi nt i s h er e t ha t s uc h d ev ot io n

t ake s up mos t of t he br ai n a nd mos t of t he l if e; m uc h a s i f it we re r ea lly t he t hing whic h i t i s suppose d t o

symbolize. The point is that the man writing on motherhood is merely an educationalist; the child playing

wit h a doll i s a mothe r.

T ak e t he cas e o f s ol di er s. A m an w ri ti ng an art icle o n m il it ar y s tr at eg y i s s im pl y a m an w ri ti ng an art icle;

a h or ri d s ig ht . B ut a bo y m ak ing a c am pa ign wi th t in s ol di er s i s l ik e a G en er al m ak in g a c am pa ig n w it h

l iv e s ol di er s. H e m us t t o t he l im it o f h is j uv en il e p ow er s t hi nk abo ut t he t hi ng ; w hereas t he w ar

c or re sp on de nt n ee d n ot t hi nk a t a ll . I r em em be r a w ar c or re sp on de nt w ho r em ar ke d a ft er t he c ap tu re o f

M et hu en : “ Th is r en ew ed a ct iv it y o n t he p ar t o f D el ar ey i s p ro ba bl y d ue t o h is b ei ng s ho rt o f s to re s. ” T he

s am e m il it ar y c ri ti c h ad m en ti on ed a f ew p ar ag ra ph s b ef or e t ha t D el ar ey w as b ei ng h ar d p re ss ed b y a

col um n w hi ch w as p ur su in g h im u nd er t he com mand o f M et hu en . M et hu en chased D el ar ey ; and

D el ar ey 's a ct iv it y w as d ue t o h is b ei ng s hor t o f s to re s. O th er wi se h e w ou ld h av e s to od q ui te s ti ll w hi le h e

wa s c ha se d. I r un a ft er J one s wi th a h at che t, a nd i f he t ur ns r ou nd a nd t ri es t o ge t r id of me t he onl y

possible explanation is that he has a very small balance at his bankers. I cannot believe that any boy playing at soldiers would be as idiotic as this. But then any one playing at anything has to be serious.

W he re as , a s I h av e o nl y t oo g oo d r ea so n t o k no w, i f y ou a re w ri ti ng a n a rt ic le y ou c an s ay a ny th in g t ha t


P a g e 4 2




com es i nt o y ou r h ead.

. . . . .

B ro ad ly , t hen, w hat k eeps adu lt s f ro m j oi ni ng i n chi ld ren' s g am es i s, g en er al ly s peak in g, n ot t hat t hey

h av e no p le as ur e i n t he m; i t i s s im pl y t ha t t he y ha ve n o l ei su re f or t he m. I t i s t ha t t he y c an no t a ff or d t he

e xp en di tu re o f t oi l a nd t im e a nd c on si de ra ti on f or s o g ra nd a nd g ra ve a s ch em e. I h av e b ee n m ys el f a tt em pt ing f or s ome t ime pa st t o c ompl et e a p la y i n a s ma ll t oy t he at re , t he s or t of t oy t he at re t ha t us ed t o

be called Penny Plain and Twopence Coloured; only that I drew and coloured the figures and scenes

m ys el f. H en ce I w as f re e f ro m t he d eg ra di ng o bl ig at io n o f h av in g t o p ay e it he r a p en ny o r t wo pe nc e; I

onl y ha d t o p ay a s hi ll ing a s he et f or good c ar dbo ar d a nd a s hi ll ing a bo x f or ba d wa te r c ol our s. Th e ki nd

o f m in ia tu re s ta ge I m ea n i s pr oba bl y f am il ia r t o e ve ry o ne ; i t i s n ev er m or e t ha n a d ev el op me nt of t he

s t ag e w hi ch S kel t m ad e and S tevens on celebr at ed.

Bu t t ho ug h I ha ve w or ke d m uc h ha rde r a t t he t oy t he at re t ha n I e ve r w or ke d a t a ny t al e o r a rt ic le , I

c an no t f in is h i t; t he w or k s ee ms t oo h ea vy f or m e. I h av e t o b re ak o ff a nd b et ak e m ys el f t o l ig ht er

e mp lo ym en ts ; s uc h a s t he b io gr ap hi es o f g re at m en . T he p la y o f “ St . G eo rg e a nd t he D ra go n, ” o ve r w hi ch I h av e b ur nt t he m id ni gh t o il ( yo u m us t col ou r t he t hi ng b y l am pl ig ht b ecau se t hat i s h ow i t w il l b e

s een) , s ti ll l acks m os t con sp icuo us ly , alas! t wo w in gs o f t he S ul tan' s P al ace, and als o s om e

com pr eh en si bl e and w or kabl e w ay o f g et ti ng u p t he cur tain .

A ll t hi s g iv es m e a f eeli ng t ou ch in g t he r eal m eani ng o f i mm or tali ty . I n t hi s w or ld w e can no t h av e p ur e

pleasure. This is partly because pure pleasure would be dangerous to us and to our neighbours. But it is

partly because pure pleasure is a great deal too much trouble. If I am ever in any other and better world,

I hope t ha t I s ha ll ha ve e nough t ime t o pl ay wi th not hi ng but t oy the at re s; and I hope t ha t I s hal l ha ve

eno ug h d iv in e and s up er hu man energ y t o act at l east o ne p lay i n t hem w it ho ut a h it ch .

. . . . .

M eanw hi le t he p hi lo so ph y o f t oy t heat res i s w or th any o ne's con si derati on . A ll t he ess en ti al m or al s w hi ch

m od er n m en n ee d t o l ea rn c ou ld b e d ed uc ed f ro m t hi s t oy . A rt is ti ca ll y c on si de re d, i t r em in ds u s o f t he

m ai n p ri nc ipl e of a rt , t he p ri nc ip le w hi ch i s i n m os t d an ge r of be ing f or got te n i n o ur t im e. I me an t he f ac t

t hat art con si st s o f l im it at io n; t he f act t hat art i s l im it at io n. A rt d oes n ot con si st i n exp an di ng t hi ng s. A rt

c ons is ts o f c ut ti ng t hi ng s d ow n, a s I c ut d ow n w it h a p ai r o f s ci ss or s m y v er y u gl y f ig ur es o f S t. G eo rg e

and t he D rago n. P lat o, w ho l ik ed d ef in it e i deas, w ou ld l ik e m y card bo ar d d rago n; f or t ho ug h t he creatu re

h as f ew o th er art is ti c m er it s h e i s at l east d rago ni sh . T he m od er n p hi lo so ph er , w ho l ik es i nf in it y, i s q ui te

w el co me t o a s he et o f t he p la in c ar db oa rd . T he m os t a rt is ti c t hi ng a bo ut t he t he at ri ca l a rt i s t he f ac t t ha t

t he s pe ct at or l oo ks a t t he w ho le t hi ng t hr oug h a w in do w. T hi s i s t ru e e ve n o f t he at re s i nf er io r t o m y o wn ;e ve n a t t he C ou rt T he at re o r H is M aj es ty 's y ou a re l oo ki ng t hr ou gh a w in dow ; a n un us ua ll y l ar ge

w in do w. B ut t he adv an tage o f t he s mall t heat re exact ly i s t hat y ou are l oo ki ng t hr ou gh a s mall w in do w.

H as n ot e ve ry o ne n ot ic ed h ow s we et a nd s ta rt li ng a ny l an ds ca pe l oo ks w he n s ee n t hr ou gh a n a rc h? T hi s

s tr ong , s qu ar e s ha pe , t hi s s hu tt in g o ff o f e ve ry th in g e ls e i s n ot o nl y a n a ss is ta nc e t o b ea ut y; i t i s t he

ess en ti al o f b eaut y. T he m os t b eaut if ul p ar t o f every p ictu re i s t he f rame.

T hi s e sp ec ia ll y i s t ru e o f t he t oy t he at re ; t ha t, b y r ed uc in g t he s ca le o f e ve nt s i t c an i nt ro du ce m uc h l ar ge r

e ve nt s. B ec au se i t i s s ma ll i t c ou ld e as il y r ep re se nt t he e ar th qu ak e i n J am ai ca . B ec au se i t i s s ma ll i t c ou ld

e as il y r ep re se nt t he D ay o f J ud gm ent . Ex ac tl y i n s o f ar a s i t i s l im it ed, s o f ar i t c ou ld p la y e as il y w it h

f al li ng cit ies o r w it h f al li ng s tars . M eanw hi le t he b ig t heat res are o bl ig ed t o b e eco no mi cal b ecau se t hey

a re b ig . W he n w e h av e u nd er st oo d t hi s f ac t w e s ha ll h av e u nd er st oo d s om et hi ng o f t he r ea so n w hy t he

w or ld h as alw ay s b een f ir st i ns pi red b y s mall n at io nali ti es . T he v as t G reek p hi lo so ph y cou ld f it eas ier i nt o

t he s ma ll c it y o f A th en s t ha n i nt o t he i mm en se E mp ir e o f P er si a. I n t he n ar ro w s tr ee ts o f F lo re nc e D an te


P a g e 4 3




f el t t ha t t he re w as r oo m f or P ur ga to ry a nd H ea ve n a nd H el l. H e w ou ld h av e b ee n s ti fl ed b y t he B ri ti sh

E mp ir e. G re at e mp ir es a re n ec es sa ri ly p ro sa ic ; f or i t i s b ey on d h um an p ow er t o a ct a g re at p oe m u po n

s o gr ea t a s ca le . Y ou c an o nl y r ep re se nt v er y bi g i de as i n ve ry s ma ll s pa ce s. My t oy t he at re i s a s

philosophical as the drama of Athens.

XXIV. A Tragedy of Twopence

M y r el at io ns w it h t he r ea de rs o f t hi s p ag e h av e b ee n l on g a nd p le as an t, b ut —p er ha ps f or t ha t v er y

r ea son— I f ee l t ha t t he ti me ha s c ome whe n I ought to conf es s t he one gr ea t c ri me of my li fe . I t

ha ppe ne d a l ong t ime a go; but i t i s not unc omm on f or a be la te d bu rs t of r em or se t o r ev ea l s uc h d ar k

e pi so de s l on g a ft er t he y h av e o cc ur re d. I t h as n ot hi ng t o d o w it h t he o rg ie s o f t he A nt i- Pu ri ta n L ea gu e.

T ha t b od y i s s o o ff en si ve ly r es pe ct ab le t ha t a n ew sp ap er , i n d es cr ib in g i t t he o th er d ay , r ef er re d t o m y

f ri en d M r. E dg ar J ep so n a s C an on E dg ar J ep so n; a nd i t i s b el ie ve d t ha t s im il ar t it le s a re i nt en de d f or a ll

of u s. N o; i t i s not b y t he c on duc t of A rc hbi shop C ra ne , of D ea n C he st er ton , o f t he R ev. J am es D ou gl as ,

o f M on si gn or B land , and even o f t hat f in e and v ir il e o ld ecclesi as ti c, C ar di nal N es bi t, t hat I w is h ( or

r at her, am d ri ven b y m y con science) t o m ak e t hi s d eclarati on . T he cri me w as com mi tt ed i n s ol it ud e andw it ho ut a cc om pl ic es . A lo ne I d id i t. L et m e, w it h t he c ha ra ct er is ti c t hi rs t o f p en it en ts t o g et t he w or st o f

t he c on fe ss io n o ve r, s ta te i t f ir st o f a ll i n i ts m os t d re ad fu l a nd i nde fe ns ib le f or m. T he re i s a t t he p re se nt

m om en t i n a t ow n i n G er ma ny ( un le ss h e h as d ie d o f r ag e o n d is co ve ri ng h is w ro ng ), a r es ta ur an t- ke ep er

t o w ho m I s ti ll o we t wo pe nc e. I l as t l ef t h is o pe n- ai r r es ta ur an t k no wi ng t ha t I o we d h im t wo pe nc e. I

c ar ri ed i t a wa y u nd er hi s no se , de spi te t he f ac t t ha t t he n os e w as a de ci de dl y J ewi sh one . I ha ve ne ve r

paid him, and it is highly improbable that I ever shall. How did this villainy come to occur in a life which

h as b een, g en er al ly s peak in g, d ef icient i n t he d ex teri ty n eces sary f or f raud ? T he s to ry i s as f ol lo ws —and

i t ha s a mor al , t hough t he re ma y not be r oom fo r t ha t.

. . . . .

I t i s a f ai r ge ne ra l r ul e f or t hos e t ra ve ll in g o n t he C ont in en t t ha t t he e as ie st w ay o f t al ki ng i n a f or ei gn

l an gu ag e i s t o t al k p hi lo so ph y. T he m os t d if fi cu lt k in d o f t al ki ng i s t o t al k abo ut com mo n n eces si ti es . T he

r easo n i s o bv io us . T he n am es o f com mo n n eces si ti es v ar y com pl et el y w it h each n at io n and are g en er al ly

s om ew ha t o dd a nd q ua in t. H ow , f or i ns ta nc e, c ou ld a F re nc hm an s up po se t ha t a c oa lb ox w ou ld b e

c al le d a “ sc ut tle ”? I f he ha s e ve r s ee n t he wor d s cut tl e i t ha s be en i n t he J ingo P re ss , wh ere t he “ pol ic y of

s cu tt le” i s u sed w henever w e g iv e u p s om et hi ng t o a s mall P ow er l ik e L ib er al s, i ns tead o f g iv in g u p

every th in g t o a g reat P ow er , l ik e I mp er iali st s. W hat E ng li sh man i n G er many w ou ld b e p oet eno ug h t o

g ue ss t ha t t he G er ma ns c al l a g lo ve a “ ha nd -s ho e. ” N at io ns n am e t he ir n ec es si ti es b y n ic kn am es , s o t o

s pe ak . T he y c al l t he ir t ub s a nd s to ol s b y qu ai nt , e lv is h, a nd a lm os t a ff ec ti on at e n am es , a s i f t he y w er e

t he ir o wn c hi ld re n! B ut a ny on e c an a rg ue a bo ut a bs tr ac t t hi ng s i n a f or ei gn l ang ua ge w ho h as e ve r g ot a sfar a s Exe rcis e IV. in a pri me r. For as soon as he can put a sentence together at al l he finds tha t the

w or ds u se d i n a bs tr ac t o r p hi lo so ph ic al d is cu ss io ns a re a lm os t t he s am e i n a ll n at io ns . T he y a re t he s am e,

f or t he s im pl e r easo n t hat t hey all com e f ro m t he t hi ng s t hat w er e t he r oo ts o f o ur com mo n civ il is at io n.

From Christianity, from the Roman Empire, from the mediaeval Church, or the French Revolution.

“Nation,” “citizen,” “religion,” “philosophy,” “authority,” “the Republic,” words like these are nearly the

s am e i n all t he cou nt ri es i n w hi ch w e t ravel. R es tr ai n, t herefo re, y ou r exu berant adm ir at io n f or t he y ou ng

ma n w ho c an a rgue wi th s ix Fr enc h a the is ts w hen he f irs t l ands a t Di eppe . Eve n I c an do t ha t. B ut ve ry

l ik el y t he s am e y ou ng m an d oe s n ot k no w t he F re nc h f or a s ho e- ho rn . B ut t o t hi s g en er al is at io n t he re a re

t hr ee g re at e xc ep ti ons . ( 1) I n t he c as e of c oun tr ie s t ha t a re n ot E ur ope an a t a ll , a nd ha ve ne ve r ha d o ur

c iv ic c on ce pt io ns , o r t he o ld L at in s ch ol ar sh ip . I d o n ot p re te nd t ha t t he P at ag on ia n p hr as e f or “ ci ti ze ns hi p” a t o nc e l ea ps t o t he m in d, o r t ha t a D ya k' s w or d f or “ th e R ep ub li c” ha s b ee n f am il ia r t o m e

f ro m t he n ur se ry . ( 2) I n t he c as e o f G er ma ny , w he re , a lt ho ug h t he p ri nc ip le d oe s a pp ly t o m an y w or ds


P a g e 4 4




s uch as “nati on ” and “ph il os op hy ,” i t d oes n ot app ly s o g en er al ly , b ecau se G er many h as h ad a s peci al

a nd d el ib er at e p ol ic y o f e nc ou ra gi ng t he p ur el y G er ma n p ar t o f i ts l an gu ag e. ( 3) I n t he c as e w he re o ne

doe s not know a ny of t he l angua ge a t a ll, a s i s ge ne ra lly the c as e wi th me .

. . . . .

S uc h a t l ea st w as m y s it ua ti on o n t he d ar k d ay o n w hi ch I c om mi tt ed m y c ri me . T wo o f t he e xc ep ti on alc on di ti on s w hi ch I h av e m en ti on ed w er e c om bi ne d. I w as w al ki ng a bo ut a G er ma n t ow n, a nd I k ne w n o

G er ma n. I k ne w, h ow ev er , t wo o r t hr ee o f t ho se g re at a nd s ol em n w or ds w hi ch h ol d o ur E ur op ea n

c ivi li sa ti on t oge the r—one of whi ch i s “ ci ga r.” As it wa s a hot a nd dr eam y da y, I s at down a t a t able in a

s ort of be er- ga rde n, a nd or der ed a ci ga r a nd a pot of la ge r. I dr ank t he l ager , a nd pa id for i t. I s moked

t he c ig ar , f or go t t o p ay f or i t, a nd w al ke d a wa y, g az ing r ap tu ro us ly a t t he r oy al o ut li ne o f t he T au nu s

m ou nt ai ns . A ft er a bo ut t en m in ut es , I s ud de nl y r em em be re d t ha t I h ad n ot p ai d f or t he c ig ar . I w en t b ac k

t o t he p la ce o f r ef re sh me nt , a nd p ut d ow n t he m on ey . B ut t he p ro pr ie to r a ls o h ad f or go tt en t he c ig ar , a nd

h e m er el y s ai d g ut tu ra l t hi ng s i n a t on e o f q ue ry , a sk in g m e, I s up po se , w ha t I w an te d. I s ai d “ ci ga r, ” a nd

h e g av e m e a c ig ar . I e nd ea vo ur ed w hi le pu tt in g d ow n t he m on ey t o w av e a wa y t he c ig ar w it h g es tu re s o f

r ef us al . H e t ho ug ht t ha t m y r ej ec ti on w as o f t he n at ur e o f a c on de mn at io n of t ha t p ar ti cu la r c ig ar , a nd brought me another. I whirled my arms like a windmill, seeking to convey by the sweeping universality of

m y g es tu re t ha t m y r ej ec ti on w as a r ej ec ti on o f c ig ar s i n g en er al , n ot o f t ha t p ar ti cu la r a rt ic le . H e m is to ok

this for the ordinary impatience of common men, and rushed forward, his hands filled with miscellaneous

c ig ar s, p re ss in g t he m u po n m e. I n d es pe ra ti on I t ri ed o th er k in ds o f p an to mi me , b ut t he m or e c ig ar s I

r ef us ed t he m or e a nd m or e r ar e a nd p re ci ou s c ig ar s w er e b ro ug ht o ut o f t he de ep s a nd r ec es se s of t he

e st abl is hm en t. I t ri ed i n v ai n t o t hi nk o f a w ay o f c on ve yi ng t o hi m t he f ac t t ha t I h ad a lr ea dy ha d t he

cig ar . I i mi tated t he act io n o f a cit izen s mo ki ng , k no ck in g o ff and t hr ow in g away a cig ar . T he w at ch fu l

proprietor only thought I was rehearsing (as in an ecstasy of anticipation) the joys of the cigar he was

g oi ng t o g iv e m e. A t l as t I r et ir ed b af fl ed : h e w ou ld n ot t ak e t he m on ey a nd l ea ve t he c ig ar s a lo ne . S o

t hat t hi s r es taur an t- keep er ( in w ho se f ace a l ov e o f m on ey s ho ne l ik e t he s un at n oo nd ay ) f latl y and f ir ml y

r ef us ed t o r ec ei ve t he t wo pe nc e t ha t I c er ta in ly o we d h im ; a nd I t oo k t ha t t wo pe nc e o f h is a wa y w it h m ea nd r iot ed on i t f or mont hs . I ho pe tha t on t he l as t da y the a ngel s w il l br ea k t he t rut h ve ry ge nt ly t o t ha t

unhappy man.

. . . . .

T hi s i s t he t ru e a nd e xa ct a cc ou nt o f t he G re at C ig ar F ra ud , a nd t he m or al o f i t i s t hi s— th at c iv il is at ion i s

f ou nd ed u po n a bs tr ac ti on s. T he i de a o f d eb t i s o ne w hi ch c an no t b e c on ve ye d b y p hy si ca l m ot io ns a t a ll ,

because it is an abstract idea. And civilisation obviously would be nothing without debt. So when

h ar d- head ed f el lo ws w ho s tu dy s ci en ti fi c s ocio lo gy ( wh ich d oes n ot exi st ) com e and t el l y ou t hat

civ il is at io n i s m at er ial o r i nd if ferent t o t he abs tr act, j us t ask y ou rs el ves h ow m an y o f t he t hi ng s t hat m ak eu p o ur S oc ie ty , t he L aw , or t he St oc ks a nd Sh ar es , o r t he N at io na l D eb t, y ou w oul d be a bl e t o c onv ey

w it h y ou r f ace and y ou r t en f in gers b y g ri nn in g and g es ti cu lati ng t o a G er man i nn keep er .

XXV. A Cab Ride Across Country

S ow n s om ew he re f ar o ff i n t he s ha ll ow da le s o f H er tf or ds hi re t he re l ie s a v il la ge o f g re at b ea ut y, a nd I

d ou bt n ot o f adm ir ab le v ir tu e, b ut o f eccen tr ic and u nb al an ced l it er ar y t as te, w hi ch ask ed t he p resent

w ri te r t o c om e d ow n t o i t o n S un da y a ft er no on a nd g iv e a n a dd re ss .

N ow i t w as v er y d if fi cu lt t o g et d ow n t o i t a t a ll o n S un da y a ft er no on , o wi ng t o t he i nd es cr ib ab le s ta te

i nt o w hi ch o ur n at io nal l aw s and cus to ms h av e f al len i n con nect io n w it h t he s ev en th d ay . I t i s n ot


P a g e 4 5




P ur it an is m; i t i s s im pl y anarchy . I s ho ul d h av e s om e s ym path y w it h t he J ew is h S ab bath , i f i t w er e a

Jewish Sabbath, and that for three reasons; first, that religion is an intrinsically sympathetic thing; second,

t hat I can no t con ceiv e any r el ig io n w or th cal li ng a r el ig io n w it ho ut a f ix ed and m at er ial o bs er vance; and

t hi rd , t hat t he p ar ti cu lar o bs er vance o f s it ti ng s ti ll and d oi ng n o w or k i s o ne t hat s ui ts m y t em perament

d ow n t o t he g ro un d.

B ut t he abs ur di ty o f t he m od er n E ng li sh con vent io n i s t hat i t d oes n ot l et a m an s it s ti ll ; i t o nl y p er petu al lyt ri ps hi m up wh en i t ha s f or ce d hi m t o wa lk a bout . Ou r Sa bba ta ri an is m doe s not f or bi d us t o a sk a ma n

i n B at te rs ea t o c om e a nd t al k i n H er tf or ds hi re ; i t o nl y p re ve nt s h is g et ti ng t he re . I c an u nd er st an d t ha t a

d ei ty m ig ht b e w or sh ip ped w it h j oy s, w it h f lo wers , and f ir ew or ks i n t he o ld E ur op ean s ty le. I can

u nd er st an d t hat a d ei ty m ig ht b e w or sh ip ped w it h s or ro ws . B ut I can no t i magi ne any d ei ty b ei ng

w or sh ip pe d w it h i nc on ve ni en ce s. L et t he g oo d M os le m g o t o M ec ca , o r l et h im a bi de i n h is t en t,

according to his feelings for religious symbols. But surely Allah cannot see anything particularly dignified

i n h is s er vant b ei ng m is led b y t he t im e- tabl e, f in di ng t hat t he o ld M ecca exp ress i s n ot r un ni ng , m is si ng h is

con nect io n at B ag dad, o r h av in g t o w ai t t hr ee h ou rs i n a s mall s id e s tati on o ut si de D am as cu s.

S o i t w as w it h me on t hi s oc ca si on. I f ound t he re w as no t el egr aph s er vi ce a t a ll t o t hi s pl ac e; I f oundt he re w as o nl y o ne w ea k t hr ea d o f t ra in -s er vi ce . N ow i f t hi s h ad b ee n t he a ut ho ri ty o f r ea l E ng li sh

r el ig io n, I s ho ul d h av e s ub mi tt ed t o i t a t o nc e. I f I b el ie ve d t ha t t he t el eg ra ph c le rk c ou ld n ot s en d t he

t el eg ra m be ca us e h e w as a t t ha t m om en t r ig id i n a n e cs ta sy o f p ra ye r, I s ho ul d t hi nk a ll t el eg ra ms

u ni mp or tant i n com pari so n. I f I cou ld b el ieve t hat r ai lw ay p or ters w hen r el ieved f ro m t heir d ut ies r us hed

w it h p as si on t o t he n ea re st p la ce o f w or sh ip , I s ho ul d s ay t ha t a ll l ec tu re s a nd e ve ry th in g e ls e o ug ht t o

g iv e w ay t o s uc h a c on si de ra ti on . I s ho ul d n ot c om pl ai n i f t he n at io na l f ai th f or ba de m e t o m ak e a ny

a pp oi nt me nt s o f l ab ou r o r s el f- ex pr es si on o n t he S ab ba th . B ut , a s i t i s, i t o nl y t el ls m e t ha t I m ay v er y

probably keep the Sabbath by not keeping the appointment.

. . . . .

But I must r esume t he re al de ta il s of my ta le . I found tha t t he re wa s onl y one t rai n i n the whol e of t hat

S un da y by w hi ch I c oul d e ve n g et w it hi n s ev er al h ou rs o r s ev er al m il es o f t he t im e o r p la ce . I t he re fo re

w en t t o t he t el ep ho ne , w hi ch i s o ne o f m y f av ou ri te t oy s, a nd d ow n w hi ch I h av e s ho ut ed m an y v al ua bl e,

but prematurely arrested, monologues upon art and morals. I remember a mild shock of surprise when I

di sc ove re d t ha t on e c oul d us e t he t el ep hon e o n Su nd ay ; I di d no t e xp ec t i t t o be c ut o ff , bu t I e xp ec te d i t

t o b uzz m or e t han o n o rd in ar y d ay s, t o t he adv an cement o f o ur n at io nal r el ig io n. T hr ou gh t hi s i ns tr um en t,

i n f ew er w or ds t ha n u su al , a nd w it h a c om pa ra ti ve e co no my o f e pi gr am , I o rd er ed a t ax i- ca b t o t ak e m e

t o t he r ai lw ay s ta ti on . I h av e n ot a w or d t o s ay i n g en er al e it he r a ga in st t el ep ho ne s o r t ax i- ca bs ; t he y

s ee m t o m e t wo o f t he pu re st a nd m os t p oe ti c o f t he c re at io ns o f m od er n s ci en ti fi c c ivi li sa ti on .

Unfortunately, when the taxi-cab started, it did exactly what modern scientific civilisation has done—it broke down. The result of this was that when I arrived at King's Cross my only train was gone; there was

a Sa bba th c al m in the s ta tion, a c alm i n t he eye s of t he por ter s, and in my br eas t, i f c al m a t a ll, i f any

cal m, a cal m d es pair .

T he re w as n ot , h ow ev er , ve ry m uc h c al m of a ny s or t i n m y b re as t o n f ir st m ak in g t he d is co ve ry; a nd i t

w as t ur ne d t o b li nd in g h or ro r w he n I l ea rn t t ha t I c ou ld n ot e ve n s en d a t el eg ra m t o t he o rg an is er s o f t he

meeting. To leave my entertainers in the lurch was sufficiently exasperating; to leave them without any

i nt im at ion w as s im pl y l ow. I r ea sone d wi th t he of fi ci al . I s ai d: “ Do y ou r ea ll y m ea n t o s ay t ha t i f m y

brother were dying and my mother in this place, I could not communicate with her?” He was a man of

l it er al a nd l abo ri ou s m in d; h e a sk ed m e i f m y b ro th er w as d yi ng . I a ns we re d t ha t h e w as i n e xc el le nt a nd

even o ff en si ve h ealt h, b ut t hat I w as i nq ui ri ng u po n a q uest io n o f p ri ncip le. W hat w ou ld h ap pen i f E ng land

w er e i nva de d, o r i f I a lon e k ne w ho w t o t ur n a si de a c om et o r a n e ar thq ua ke . H e wa ve d a wa y t he se

h yp ot heses i n t he m os t i rr es po ns ib le s pi ri t, b ut h e w as q ui te cer tain t hat t el eg rams cou ld n ot r each t hi s


P a g e 4 6




particular village. Then something exploded in me; that element of the outrageous which is the mother of

a ll a dv en tu re s s pr an g u p u ng ov er na bl e, a nd I d ec id ed t ha t I w ou ld n ot b e a c ad m er el y b ec au se s om e o f

m y r em ot e a nc es to rs h ad b ee n C al vi ni st s. I w oul d ke ep m y a pp oi nt me nt i f I l os t a ll m y m on ey a nd a ll m y

w it s. I w en t o ut i nt o t he q ui et L on do n s tr ee t, w he re m y q ui et L on do n c ab w as s ti ll w ai ti ng f or i ts f ar e i n

t he col d m is ty m or ni ng . I p laced m ys el f com fo rt ab ly i n t he L on do n cab and t ol d t he L on do n d ri ver t o

d ri ve m e t o t he o th er e nd o f H er tf or ds hi re . A nd h e d id .

. . . . .

I s ha ll n ot f or ge t t ha t d ri ve . I t w as d ou bt fu l w ea th er , e ve n i n a m ot or -c ab , t he t hi ng w as p os si bl e w it h

a ny c on si de ra ti on f or t he d ri ve r, n ot t o s pe ak o f s om e s li gh t c on si de ra ti on f or t he p eo pl e i n t he r oa d. I

ur ge d t he dr ive r t o e at a nd dr ink s om et hi ng be for e he s ta rt ed, b ut he s ai d ( wi th I k now n ot wha t p ri de of

profession or delicate sense of adventure) that he would rather do it when we arrived— if we ever did. I

w as by n o me ans s o d el ic at e; I bo ug ht a va ri ed s el ec ti on o f p or k- pi es a t a l it tl e s ho p t ha t w as op en ( why

w as t ha t s ho p o pe n? —i t i s a ll a m ys te ry ), a nd a te t he m a s w e w en t a lo ng . T he b eg in ni ng w as s om br e a nd

i rr it at in g. I w as a nn oy ed , n ot w it h p eo pl e, b ut w it h t hi ng s, l ik e a b ab y; w it h t he m ot or f or b re aki ng d ow n

a nd w it h S un da y f or be in g S un da y. A nd t he s ig ht o f t he n or th er n s lu ms e xp an de d a nd e nn ob le d, b ut d idn ot d ecreas e, m y g lo om : W hi tech ap el h as an O ri en tal g au di ness i n i ts s qu al or ; B at ters ea and C am berw el l

h av e a n i nde sc ri ba bl e b us tl e o f de moc ra cy ; b ut t he po or pa rt s o f N or th L ond on . . . w el l, pe rh ap s I s aw

t hem w ro ng ly u nd er t hat ash en m or ni ng and o n t hat f oo li sh err an d.

I t wa s o ne of t hos e d ays w hi ch mo re t ha n o nc e t hi s ye ar br oke t he r et re at of wi nt er ; a w int er da y t ha t

began too late to be spring. We were already clear of the obstructing crowds and quickening our pace

t hr ou gh a b or derl an d o f m ar ket g ar dens and i so lated p ub li c- ho us es , w hen t he g rey s ho wed g ol den

patches and a good light began to glitter on everything. The cab went quicker and quicker. The open land

whi rl ed wi de r a nd wi de r; but I di d not los e m y s ens e of be ing ba tt led wi th a nd t hwa rt ed t ha t I ha d f el t i n

t he t hr on ged s lu ms . R at her t he f eeli ng i ncreas ed , b ecau se o f t he g reat d if fi cu lt y o f s pace and t im e. T he

f as te r w en t t he c ar , t he f ie rc er a nd t hi ck er I f el t t he f ig ht .

T he w ho le l an ds cape s eemed charg in g at m e— an d j us t m is si ng m e. T he t al l, s hi ni ng g rass w en t b y l ik e

s ho we rs o f a rr ow s; t he v er y t re es s ee me d l ik e l an ce s h ur le d a t m y h ea rt , a nd s ha vi ng i t b y a h ai r' s

breadth. Across some vast, smooth valley I saw a beech-tree by the white road stand up little and

d ef iant . I t g rew b ig ger and b ig ger w it h b li nd in g r ap id it y. I t charg ed m e l ik e a t il ti ng k ni gh t, s eemed t o

ha ck a t m y he ad , a nd p as s by . S om et im es w he n w e w ent r ou nd a c ur ve o f r oa d, t he e ff ec t w as y et m or e

a wf ul . I t s ee me d a s i f s om e t re e o r w in dm il l s wun g r ou nd t o s mi te l ik e a b oo me ra ng . T he s un by t hi s t im e

wa s a bl az ing f ac t; a nd I s aw th at a ll Na tur e i s c hi va lr ous a nd m il ita nt . W e do wr ong t o s ee k pe ac e i n

Nature; we should rather seek the nobler sort of war; and see all the trees as green banners.

. . . . .

I g av e m y a dd re ss , a rr iv in g j us t w he n e ve ryb od y w as d ec id ing t o l ea ve . W he n m y c ab c am e r ee li ng i nt o

t he m ar ket- pl ace t hey d ecid ed , w it h evi dent d is ap po in tm en t, t o r em ai n. O ver t he l ectu re I d raw a v ei l.

W he n I c am e b ac k h om e I w as c al le d t o t he t el ep hon e, a nd a me ek v oi ce e xp re ss ed r eg re t f or t he f ai lur e

o f t he m ot or -c ab , a nd e ve n s ai d s om et hi ng a bo ut a ny r ea so na bl e p ay me nt . “ Wh om c an I p ay f or m y o wn

s up er b e xp er ie nc e? W ha t i s t he u su al c ha rg e f or s ee in g t he c lo ud s s ha tt er ed b y t he s un ? W ha t i s t he

m ar ke t p ri ce o f a t re e b lue o n t he s ky -l in e a nd t he n b li nd in g w hi te i n t he s un ? M en ti on y ou r p ri ce f or t ha t

wi ndmi ll tha t s tood be hi nd t he holl yhoc ks i n t he ga rde n. Le t me pa y you f or . . .” He re i t wa s, I t hi nk, t ha t

w e w er e c ut of f.


P a g e 4 7




XXVI . The Two Noi ses

F or t hr ee d ay s a nd t hr ee n ig ht s t he s ea h ad c ha rg ed E ng la nd a s N ap ol eo n c ha rg ed h er a t W at er lo o. T he

phrase is instinctive, because away to the last grey line of the sea there was only the look of galloping

s qu ad ro ns , i mp et uo us , b ut w it h a c om mo n p ur po se . T he s ea c am e o n l ik e c av al ry , a nd w he n i t t ou ch ed

t he s ho re i t o pe ne d t he b la zi ng e ye s a nd d ea fe ni ng t on gu es o f t he a rt il le ry . I s aw t he w or st a ss au lt a t n ig ht

on a s ea si de pa ra de wh er e t he s ea s mo te on t he d oo rs o f E ng la nd w it h t he h am me rs o f e ar thq ua ke , a nd

a w hi te s mo ke w ent u p i nt o t he b la ck h ea ve ns . T he re o ne c ou ld t ho ro ug hl y r ea li se w ha t a n a wf ul t hi ng a

w av e r ea ll y i s. I t al k l ik e o th er p eo pl e a bo ut t he r us hi ng s wi ft ne ss o f a w ave . B ut t he h or ri bl e t hi ng a bo ut

a w av e i s i ts h id eo us s lo wn es s. I t l if ts i ts l oa d o f w at er l ab or io us ly : i n t ha t s ty le a t o nc e s lo w a nd s li pp er y

i n whi ch a Ti ta n mi ght l ift a l oa d of r ock and the n l et it s li p a t la st t o be s ha tt er ed int o s hoc k of dus t. I n

f ro nt o f m e t ha t n ig ht t he w av es w er e n ot l ik e w at er : t he y w er e l ik e f al li ng c it y w al ls . Th e b re ak er r os e

first as if it did not wish to attack the earth; it wishe d only to atta ck t he s tars. For a time it s tood up in t he

a ir a s n at ur al ly a s a t owe r; t he n i t w en t a l it tl e w ron g i n i ts ou tl in e, l ik e a t ow er t ha t mi ght s om e d ay f al l.

Whe n i t fe ll i t wa s as if a powde r ma gaz ine bl ew up.

. . . . .

I ha ve ne ve r s ee n s uc h a se a. Al l t he t ime th er e ble w a cr os s t he l and one of t hos e s ti ff a nd t hr ot tl ing

wi nds t ha t one c an l ea n up a ga ins t li ke a w all . On e e xpe ct ed a nyt hi ng t o be bl ow n out of s ha pe a t a ny

i ns ta nt ; t he l am p- pos t t o b e s na ppe d l ike a gr ee n s ta lk, t he t re e t o be wh ir le d a wa y l ike a s tr aw. I m ys el f

s houl d c er ta in ly ha ve b ee n bl own o ut of s ha pe i f I ha d pos se ss ed a ny s ha pe t o be bl own o ut of ; f or I

w al ke d a lo ng t he e dg e o f t he s to ne e mb an km en t a bo ve t he b la ck a nd b at te ri ng s ea a nd c ou ld n ot r id

m ys el f o f t he i de a t ha t i t w as a n i nv as io n o f E ng la nd . B ut a s I w al ke d a lon g t hi s e dg e I w as s om ew ha t

s ur pr is ed t o f in d t ha t a s I n ea re d a c er ta in s po t a no th er n oi se m in gl ed w it h t he c ea se le ss c an no na de o f t he

sea.

S om ew he re a t t he b ac k, i n s om e p le as ur e g ro un d o r c as in o o r p la ce o f e nt er ta in me nt , a n u nd au nt ed

brass band was playing against the cosmic uproar. I do not know what band it was. Judging from the

boisterous British Imperialism of most of the airs it played, I should think it was a German band. But

t he re w as no dou bt a bou t i ts e ne rgy, a nd whe n I c am e qui te c lo se unde r i t i t r ea ll y dr own ed t he s tor m. I t

w as p layi ng s uch t hi ng s as “To mm y A tk in s” and “Yo u C an D ep en d o n Y ou ng A us tr al ia,” and m an y

ot he rs o f w hi ch I d o no t k now t he w or ds , bu t I s hou ld t hi nk t he y w ou ld be “ John , Pa t, a nd Ma c, W it h

t he U ni on J ac k, ” o r t ha t f in e t hou gh u nw ri tt en p oe m, “ Wa it t il l t he B ul l D og g et s a bi te o f yo u. ” N ow , I

f or o ne de te st I mp er ia li sm , b ut I h av e a g re at d ea l o f s ym pa th y w it h J in go is m. A nd t he re s ee me d

s om et hi ng s o t ou ch in g abo ut t hi s u nb ro ken and i nn ocen t b ragg in g u nd er t he b ru tal m en ace o f N at ur e t hat

i t ma de, if I ma y s o put i t, tw o tune s i n my mi nd. I t i s so obvi ous a nd so j ol ly to be opt imi st ic a bout

England, especially when you are an optimist—and an Englishman. But through all that glorious brassc am e t he v oi ce o f t he i nv as io n, t he u nd er ton e o f t ha t a wf ul s ea . I di d a f oo li sh t hi ng . A s I c ou ld n ot

e xpr es s m y m ea ni ng i n a n a rt ic le , I t ri ed t o e xpr es s it i n a p oe m— a ba d one . Y ou c an c al l i t wha t you

l ik e. I t m ig ht b e cal led “Do ub t, ” o r “Br ig ht on .” I t m ig ht b e cal led “Th e P at ri ot ,” o r y et again “Th e G er man

B an d. ” I w ou ld c al l i t “ Th e T wo V oi ce s, ” b ut t ha t t it le ha s b ee n t ak en f or a g ro ss ly i nf er ior p oe m. T hi s i s

h ow i t b eg an —

“ The y s ay t he s un i s o n your kne es

A l am p t o l igh t y ou r l an ds f ro m ha rm ,

The y s ay y ou t ur n t he s ev en s ea s

T o l it tl e b ro ok s a bo ut y ou r f ar m.I hear the sea and the new song

t ha t c al ls y ou e mp re ss a ll d ay l on g.


P a g e 4 8




“ (O f al le n a nd f ou le d! O y ou t ha t l ie

Dying in swamps—you shall not die,

Y ou r r ic h h av e s ec re ts , a nd s tr on ge l us t,

Y ou r p oo r a re c ha se d a bo ut l ik e d us t,

E mp ti ed o f ang er and s ur pr is e—

A nd G od h as go ne o ut of t he ir e ye s,Y ou r coh or t s b reak— yo ur capt ain s l ie,

I s ay t o you, yo u s ha ll no t di e. )”

T hen I r ev iv ed a l it tl e, r em em beri ng t hat aft er all t here i s an E ng li sh cou nt ry t hat t he I mp er iali st s h av e

n ev er f ou nd . T he B ri ti sh E mp ir e m ay ann ex w hat i t l ik es , i t w il l n ev er ann ex E ng land . I t h as n ot even

d is co ve re d t he i sl an d, l et a lo ne c on qu er ed i t. I t oo k u p t he t wo t un es a ga in w it h a g re at er s ym pa th y f or

the first—

“I k no w t he b ri gh t b ap ti sm al r ai ns ,

I l ov e y ou r t en de r t ro ub le d s ki es ,I know your little climbing lanes,

A re p eer in g i nt o P ar adi s e,

F ro m o pe n h ea rt h t o o rc ha rd c oo l,

How bountiful and beautiful.

“ (O t hr ot tl ed a nd w it ho ut a c ry ,

O s tr an gl ed a nd s ta bb ed , y ou s ha ll n ot d ie ,

T he f ri gh tf ul w or d i s o n y ou r w al ls ,

The ea st s ea t o the w es t s ea c all s,

T he s ta rs a re d yi ng i n t he s ky,

Y ou s ha ll n ot d ie ; y ou s ha ll n ot d ie .) ”

T he n t he t wo g re at n oi se s g re w d ea fe ni ng t og et he r, t he n oi se o f t he p er il o f E ng la nd a nd t he l ou de r n oi se

o f t he pl ac id it y of En gl and . I t i s t he ir f au lt i f t he l as t v er se w as w ri tt en a l it tl e r ud el y a nd a t r an dom —

“ I s ee yo u how y ou s mi le i n s ta te

S tr ai gh t f ro m t he P ea k t o P ly mo ut h B ar ,

Y ou n ee d no t t el l me yo u a re gr ea t,

I know how mor e t han gr ea t you ar e.

I k no w w hat W il l iam S hakes pear e w as ,

I h av e s ee n G ai ns bo ro ug h a nd t he g ra ss .

“ (O g iv en t o b el ie ve a l ie ,

O my mad mother, do do not die,

W hos e e ye s t ur n a ll w ay s b ut w it hi n,

W ho se s in i s i nn oc en ce o f s in ,

W ho se e ye s, b li nd ed w it h b ea ms a t n oo n,

C an s ee t he mo te s u po n t he m oo n,

Y ou s hall y ou r l ov er s ti ll p ur su e.

T o w hat l ast m ad ho us e s hel ters y ou

I w il l up ho ld y ou , e ve n I .

Y ou t ha t a re d ea d. Yo u s ha ll no t di e. )”

But t he s ea wou ld not s to p f or me a ny m or e t ha n f or C anut e; a nd a s f or t he G er ma n ba nd, t ha t w ou ld


P a g e 4 9




n ot s to p f or a ny bo dy .

XXVI I. So me P olicemen a nd a Mo ral

Th e ot he r d ay I w as ne ar ly a rr es te d b y t wo e xc it ed po li ce me n i n a wo od i n Yo rks hi re . I w as o n a

h ol id ay , and w as eng ag ed i n t hat r ich and i nt ri cate m as s o f p leas ur es , d ut ies, and d is co veri es w hi ch f or

t he k ee pi ng o ff o f t he p rof an e, w e di sg ui se b y t he e xo te ri c n am e o f N ot hi ng . A t t he m om en t i n q ue st io n I

w as t hr ow in g a b ig S wedi sh k ni fe at a t ree, p ract is in g ( al as , w it ho ut s uccess ) t hat u sefu l t ri ck o f

knife-throwing by which men murder each other in Stevenson's romances.

S ud denl y t he f or es t w as f ul l o f t wo p ol icem en ; t here w as s om et hi ng abo ut t heir app earance i n and

r el at io n t o t he g re en wo od t ha t r em in de d m e, I k no w n ot h ow , o f s om e h ap py E li za be th an c om ed y. T he y

a sk ed wh at t he kni fe w as , w ho I w as , w hy I wa s t hr owi ng i t, wh at my a ddr es s w as , t ra de , r el igi on ,

o pi ni on s o n t he J ap an es e w ar , n am e o f f av ou ri te c at , a nd s o o n. T he y a ls o s ai d I w as d am ag in g t he t re e;

w hi ch w as , I a m s or ry t o s ay , n ot t ru e, b ec au se I c ou ld n ot h it i t. T he p ec ul ia r p hi lo so ph ic al i mp or ta nc e,

h ow ev er , o f t he i ncid en t w as t hi s. A ft er s om e h al f- ho ur 's ani mated con vers at io n, t he exh ib it io n o f ane nv el op e, a n u nf in is he d p oe m, w hi ch w as r ea d w it h g re at c ar e, a nd , I t ru st , w it h s om e p ro fi t, a nd o ne o r

t wo o th er s ub tl e d et ec ti ve s tr ok es , t he e ld er o f t he t wo k ni gh ts b ec am e c on vi nc ed t ha t I r ea ll y w as w ha t I

professed to be, that I was a journalist, that I was on the DAILY NEWS (this was the real stroke; they

we re s ha ke n w it h a t er ror c om mo n t o a ll t yr ant s) , t ha t I l ive d i n a pa rt ic ul ar pl ac e a s s ta te d, a nd t ha t I

w as s to pp in g w it h p ar ti cu lar p eo pl e i n Y or ks hi re, w ho h ap pened t o b e w ealt hy and w el l- kn ow n i n t he

neighbourhood.

I n f ac t t he l ea di ng c on st ab le b ec am e s o g en ia l a nd c om pl im en ta ry a t l as t t ha t h e e nd ed u p b y

r ep re se nt in g h im se lf a s a r ea de r o f m y w or k. A nd w he n t ha t w as s ai d, e ve ry th in g w as s et tl ed . T he y

a cqu it te d m e a nd l et m e pa ss .

“ Bu t, ” I s ai d, “ wha t o f t hi s m ang le d t re e? I t w as t o t he r es cue of t ha t Dr ya d, t et he re d t o t he e ar th , t ha t

you rushed like knight-errants. You, the higher humanitarians, are not deceived by the seeming stillness of

t he g reen t hi ng s, a s ti ll ness l ik e t he s ti ll ness o f t he cat ar act, a h eadl on g and crash in g s il en ce. Y ou k no w

t ha t a tr ee i s but a c re at ur e t ie d t o t he gr ound by one l eg. You w ill not l et a ss as si ns wi th t he ir S we di sh

da gge rs s he d t he gr ee n bl ood of s uc h a be ing. Bu t i f s o, why a m I not i n c us tody; w he re a re m y gyve s?

P ro du ce , f ro m s om e p or ti on o f y ou r p er so ns , m y m ou ld y s tr aw a nd m y g ra te d w in do w. T he f ac ts o f

w hi ch I h ave j us t c on vi nc ed y ou , t ha t m y n am e i s C he st er to n, t ha t I a m a j ou rn al is t, t ha t I a m l ivi ng w it h

t he w el l- kn ow n and p hi lant hr op ic M r. B lank o f I lk ley, can no t h av e any th in g t o d o w it h t he q uest io n o f

w he th er I ha ve b ee n g ui lt y o f c ru el ty t o ve ge ta bl es . T he t re e i s n one t he l es s d am ag ed e ve n t ho ugh i t m ay

r ef le ct w it h a d ar k p ri de t ha t i t w as w ou nd ed b y a g en tl em an c on ne ct ed w it h t he L ib er al p re ss . W ou nd si n t he b ar k d o n ot m or e r ap id ly c lo se u p b ec au se t he y a re i nf li ct ed b y p eo pl e w ho a re s to pp in g w it h M r.

Bl ank o f I lk le y. Tha t t re e, t he r ui n of i ts f or me r s elf , t he wr ec k of wha t w as onc e a gia nt of t he f or es t,

n ow s pl in tered and l ai d l ow b y t he b ru te s up er io ri ty o f a S wedi sh k ni fe, t hat t ragedy , con st ab le, can no t

be wiped out even by stopping for several months more with some wealthy person. It is incredible that

y ou h av e n o l eg al c la im t o a rr es t e ve n t he m os t a ug us t a nd f as hi on ab le p er so ns o n t hi s c ha rg e. F or i f s o,

w hy d id y ou i nt er fere w it h m e at all ?”

I m ade t he l at er a nd l ar ge r pa rt of t hi s s pe ec h t o t he s il ent woo d, f or t he t wo pol ic eme n h ad va ni sh ed

a lm os t a s q ui ck ly a s t he y c am e. I t i s v er y p os si bl e, o f c ou rs e, t ha t t he y w er e f ai ri es . I n t ha t c as e t he

somewhat illogical character of their view of crime, law, and personal responsibility would find a brightand elf is h exp lanati on ; p er haps i f I h ad l in gered i n t he g lade t il l m oo nr is e I m ig ht h av e s een r in gs o f t in y

policemen dancing on the sward; or running about with glow-worm belts, arresting grasshoppers for


P a g e 5 0




d am ag in g b lades o f g rass . B ut t ak in g t he b ol der h yp ot hesi s, t hat t hey r eall y w er e p ol icem en , I f in d m ys el f

i n a c er ta in d if fi cul ty . I w as c er ta in ly a cc us ed o f s om et hi ng w hi ch w as e it he r a n of fe nc e o r w as n ot . I w as

l et of f be ca us e I pr ove d I wa s a gue st a t a bi g h ous e. The in fe re nc e s ee ms pa inf ul ly c le ar; e it he r i t i s not a

proof of infamy to throw a knife about in a lonely wood, or else it is a proof of innocence to know a rich

m an . S up po se a v er y p oo r p er so n, p oo rer even t han a j ou rn al is t, a n av vy o r u ns ki ll ed l ab ou rer, t ramp in g

i n s earch o f w or k, o ft en chang in g h is l od gi ng s, o ft en , p er haps , f ai li ng i n h is r en t. S up po se h e h ad b een

i nt ox ic at ed w it h t he g re en g ai et y o f t he a nc ie nt w oo d. S up po se h e h ad t hr ow n k ni ve s a t t re es a nd c ou ldg iv e n o d es cr ip ti on o f a d we ll in g- pl ac e e xc ep t t ha t h e h ad b ee n f ir ed o ut o f t he l as t. A s I w al ke d h om e

t hr ou gh a c lo udy a nd p ur pl e t wi li gh t I w on de re d h ow he w ou ld h av e g ot on .

M or al . W e E ng li sh a re a lw ay s b oa st in g t ha t w e a re v er y i ll og ic al ; t he re i s n o g re at h ar m i n t ha t. T he re i s

n o s ub tl e s pi ri tua l e vi l i n t he f ac t t ha t p eo pl e a lw ays b ra g a bou t t he ir v ic es ; i t i s w he n t he y b eg in t o b ra g

abo ut t heir v ir tu es t hat t hey b ecom e i ns uf ferabl e. B ut t here i s t hi s t o b e s ai d, t hat i ll og ical it y i n y ou r

con st it ut io n o r y ou r l eg al m et ho ds m ay b ecom e v er y d an gero us i f t here h ap pens t o b e s om e g reat

n at io nal v ice o r n at io nal t em pt at io n w hi ch m an y t ak e adv an tage o f t he chaos . S im il ar ly , a d ru nk ar d o ug ht

t o h av e s tr ic t r ul es a nd h ou rs ; a t em pe ra te m an m ay o be y h is i ns ti nc ts .

T ake s ome a bs ur d a nom al y i n t he Br it is h l aw— the fa ct , f or i ns ta nc e, t ha t a ma n c ea si ng t o be a n M . P.

h as t o b ecom e S teward o f t he C hi lt er n H un dr ed s, an o ff ice w hi ch I b el ieve w as i nt en ded o ri gi nall y t o

k eep d ow n s om e w il d r ob bers n ear C hi lt er n, w herever t hat i s. O bv io us ly t hi s k in d o f i ll og ical it y d oes n ot

m at te r v er y m uc h, f or t he s im pl e r ea so n t ha t t he re i s n o g re at t em pt at io n t o t ak e a dv an ta ge o f i t. M en

r et ir in g f ro m P ar li am en t d o n ot h av e any f ur io us i mp ul se t o h un t r ob bers i n t he h il ls . B ut i f t here w er e a

r eal d an ger t hat w is e, w hi te-h ai red, v en er ab le p ol it icians t ak in g l eave o f p ub li c l if e w ou ld d es ir e t o d o t hi s

( if , f or i ns tance, t here w er e any m on ey i n i t) , t hen clear ly , i f w e w en t o n s ay in g t hat t he i ll og ical it y d id n ot

m at ter, w hen ( as a m at ter o f f act) S ir M ichael H icks -B each w as h an gi ng C hi lt er n s ho p- keep er s every

d ay and t ak in g t heir p ro pert y, w e s ho ul d b e v er y s il ly . T he i ll og ical it y w ou ld m at ter, f or i t w ou ld h av e

become an excuse for indulgence. It is only the very good who can live riotous lives.

N ow t hi s i s e xa ct ly w ha t i s p re se nt i n c as es o f p ol ic e i nv es ti ga ti on s uc h a s t he o ne n ar ra te d a bo ve . T he re

e nt er s i nt o s uc h t hi ng s a g re at n at io na l s in , a f ar g re at er s in t ha n d ri nk —t he h abi t o f r es pe ct ing a

g en tl em an . S no bb is hn es s h as , l ik e d ri nk , a k in d o f g rand p oetr y. A nd s no bb is hn es s h as t hi s p ecul iar and

d ev il is h q uali ty o f evi l, t hat i t i s r am pant amo ng v er y k in dl y p eo pl e, w it h o pen h eart s and h ou ses. B ut i t i s

o ur g re at E ng li sh v ic e; t o b e w at ch ed m or e f ie rc el y t ha n s ma ll -p ox . I f a m an w is he d t o h ea r t he w or st a nd

w ickedest t hi ng i n E ng land s um med u p i n cas ual E ng li sh w or ds , h e w ou ld n ot f in d i t i n any f ou l o at hs o r

r ib al d q ua rr el li ng . H e w ou ld f in d i t i n t he f ac t t ha t t he b es t k in d o f w or ki ng m an , w he n he w is he s t o pr ai se

a ny on e, c al ls hi m “ a g en tl ema n. ” I t n eve r oc cur s t o h im t ha t h e m igh t a s w el l c al l h im “ a m ar qui s,” o r “ a

privy councillor”—that he is simply naming a rank or class, not a phrase for a good man. And this

perennial temptation to a shameful admiration, must, and, I think, does, constantly come in and distortand p oi so n o ur p ol ice m et ho ds .

I n t hi s c as e we m us t b e l og ic al a nd e xa ct ; f or w e ha ve t o k ee p w at ch up on o ur se lve s. T he p ow er of

w ea lt h, a nd t ha t p ow er a t i ts v il es t, i s i nc re as in g i n t he m od er n w or ld . A v er y g oo d a nd j us t p eo pl e,

w it ho ut t hi s t em pt at io n, m ig ht n ot n eed, p er haps , t o m ak e clear r ul es and s ys tems t o g uard t hems el ves

a ga in st t he p ow er o f o ur g re at f in an ci er s. B ut t ha t i s b ec au se a v er y j us t p eo pl e w ou ld h av e s ho t t he m

long ago, from mere native good feeling.

X XV II I. T he L io nIn the town of Belfor t I ta ke a chai r a nd I sit down in the s treet . We ta lk in a cant phras e of the Man in


P a g e 5 1




t he S tr ee t, b ut t he F re nc hm an i s t he m an i n t he s tr ee t. T hi ng s q ui te c en tr al f or hi m a re c on ne ct ed w it h

these lamp-posts and pavements; everything from his meals to his martyrdoms. When first an Englishman

l oo ks at a F rench t ow n o r v il lage h is f ir st f eeli ng i s s im pl y t hat i t i s u gl ier t han an E ng li sh t ow n o r v il lage;

w he n h e l oo ks a ga in h e s ee s t ha t t hi s c om pa ra ti ve a bs en ce o f t he p ic tu re sq ue i s c hi ef ly e xp re ss ed i n t he

plain, precipitous frontage of the houses standing up hard and flat out of the street like the cardboard

h ou ses i n a p an to mi me— a h ar d ang ul ar it y all ied p er haps t o t he h ar sh ness o f F rench l og ic. W hen h e

l oo ks a t hi rd t im e h e s ee s q ui te s im pl y t ha t i t i s a ll b ec au se t he h ou se s h av e n o f ro nt g ar de ns . T he v ag ueE ng li sh s pi ri t l ov es t o h av e t he e nt ra nc e t o i ts h ou se s of te ne d b y b us he s a nd b ro ke n b y s te ps . I t l ik es t o

ha ve a l it tl e a nte room of hedge s ha lf i n t he hous e a nd hal f out of i t; a gre en r oom in a doubl e s ens e. The

F renchm an d es ir es n o s uch l it tl e p at heti c r am part s o r h al ti ng p laces, f or t he s tr eet i ts el f i s a t hi ng n at ur al

and familiar to him.

. . . . .

T he F re nc h h av e n o f ro nt g ar de ns ; b ut t he s tr ee t i s e ve ry m an 's f ro nt g ar de n. T he re a re t re es i n t he

s tr ee t, a nd s om et im es f ou nt ai ns . T he s tr ee t i s t he F re nc hm an 's t av er n, f or h e d ri nk s i n t he s tr ee t. I t i s h is

d in in g- ro om , f or h e d in es i n t he s tr eet. I t i s h is B ri ti sh M us eu m, f or t he s tatu es and m on um en ts i n F renchs tr ee ts a re no t, a s wi th u s, o f t he wo rs t, b ut of t he b es t, a rt of t he c oun tr y, a nd t he y a re o ft en a ct ua ll y a s

h is to ri cal as t he P yr am id s. T he s tr eet again i s t he F renchm an 's P ar li am en t, f or F rance h as n ev er t ak en i ts

C ha mb er o f D ep ut ie s s o s er io us ly a s w e t ak e o ur H ou se o f C om mo ns , a nd t he q ui bb le s o f m er e e le ct ed

n on en ti ti es i n an o ff icial r oo m s eem f eebl e t o a p eo pl e w ho se f at hers h av e h eard t he v oi ce o f D es mo ul in s

l ik e a t ru mp et u nd er o pe n h ea ve n, o r V ic to r H ug o s ho ut in g f ro m h is c ar ri ag e a mi d t he w re ck o f t he

s ec on d R ep ub li c. A nd a s t he F re nc hm an d ri nk s i n t he s tr ee t a nd d in es i n t he s tr ee t s o a ls o h e f ig ht s i n t he

s tr ee t a nd d ie s i n t he s tr ee t, s o t ha t t he s tr ee t c an ne ve r b e c omm on pl ac e t o hi m.

Ta ke , f or i ns ta nc e, s uc h a s im pl e ob je ct a s a l am p- pos t. I n L on do n a l amp -po st i s a c om ic t hi ng. We

think of the intoxicated gentleman embracing it, and recalling ancient friendship. But in Paris a lamp-post

is a tra gic thing. For we think of tyrants hanged on it, and of an end of the world. There is, or was, a bitter Republican paper in Paris called LA LANTERNE. How funny it would be if there were a

P ro gr es si ve p ap er i n E ng la nd c al le d T HE L AM P P OS T! W e h av e s ai d, t he n, t ha t t he F re nc hm an i s t he

ma n i n t he s tr ee t; t ha t he c an di ne i n t he s tr ee t, a nd d ie i n t he s tr ee t. And i f I e ve r pa ss t hr ough Pa ri s a nd

f in d hi m goi ng t o b ed i n t he s tr ee t, I s ha ll s ay t ha t h e i s s ti ll t rue t o t he ge ni us o f h is c iv il is at io n. A ll t ha t i s

g oo d a nd a ll t ha t i s e vi l i n F ra nc e i s a li ke c on ne ct ed w it h t hi s o pe n- ai r e le me nt . F re nc h d em oc ra cy a nd

F re nc h i nde ce nc y a re a li ke pa rt o f t he de si re t o ha ve e ve ry th in g ou t o f do or s. Co mpa re d t o a c af e, a

public-house is a private house.

. . . . .

T he re w er e t wo r ea so ns w hy a ll t he se f an ci es s ho ul d f lo at t hr ou gh t he m in d i n t he s tr ee ts o f t hi s e sp ec ia l

t ow n o f B el fo rt . F ir st o f a ll , i t l ie s c lo se u po n t he b ou nd ar y o f F ra nc e a nd G er ma ny , a nd b ou nd ar ie s a re

t he m os t b eaut if ul t hi ng s i n t he w or ld . T o l ov e any th in g i s t o l ov e i ts b ou nd ar ies; t hu s chi ld ren w il l alw ay s

play on the edge of anything. They build castles on the edge of the sea, and can only be restrained by

public proclamation and private violence from walking on the edge of the grass. For when we have come

t o t he end of a t hi ng we ha ve c ome to t he be ginni ng of it .

H enc e t hi s t ow n s ee me d a ll t he m or e F re nc h f or b ei ng o n t he ve ry m ar gi n o f G er ma ny , a nd a lt hou gh

t he re w er e m an y G er ma n t ou ch es i n t he p la ce — G er ma n n am es , l ar ge r p ot s o f b ee r, a nd e no rm ou s

theatrical barmaids dressed up in outrageous imitation of Alsatian peasants—yet the fixed French colour

s ee me d a ll t he s tr on ge r f or t he se s pe ck s o f s om et hi ng e ls e. A ll d ay l ong a nd a ll n ig ht l on g t ro op s o f du st y,

s wart hy , s co rn fu l l it tl e s ol di er s w en t p lo dd in g t hr ou gh t he s tr eets w it h an air o f s tu bb or n d is gu st , f or

G er ma n s ol di er s l oo k a s i f t he y d es pi se d y ou , b ut F re nc h s ol di er s a s i f t he y d es pi se d y ou a nd t he ms el ve s


P a g e 5 2




e ve n m or e t ha n yo u. I t i s a pa rt , I s up pos e, o f t he r ea li sm of t he na ti on w hi ch ha s m ade i t g ood a t w ar

a nd s ci en ce a nd o th er t hi ng s i n w hi ch w ha t i s n ec es sa ry i s c om bi ne d w it h w ha t i s n as ty . A nd t he s ol di er s

a nd t he c iv il ia ns a li ke h ad m os t o f t he m c ro pp ed h ai r, a nd t ha t c ur io us k in d o f h ea d w hi ch t o a n

E ng li sh man l oo ks alm os t b ru tal, t he k in d t hat w e cal l a b ul let- head . I nd eed, w e are s peak in g v er y

app ro pr iately w hen w e cal l i t a b ul let- head , f or i n i nt el lect ual h is to ry t he h eads o f F renchm en h av e b een

bullets—yes, and explosive bullets.

. . . . .

B ut t he re w as a s ec on d r ea so n w hy i n t hi s p la ce o ne s ho ul d t hi nk p ar ti cu la rl y o f t he o pe n- ai r p ol it ic s a nd

t he o pe n- ai r a rt o f t he F re nc h. F or t hi s t ow n o f B el fo rt i s f am ou s f or o ne o f t he m os t t yp ic al a nd p ow er fu l

of t he publ ic monu me nt s of Fr anc e. Fr om t he c af e t able a t whi ch I s it I c an s ee t he hi ll be yond the tow n

o n w hi ch h an gs t he h ig h and f lat- faced cit ad el , p ierced w it h m an y w in do ws , and w ar med i n t he eveni ng

l ight . On the s te ep hi ll be low i t is a huge s tone l ion, i tse lf a s la rge a s a hil l. It i s ha cked out of t he r oc k wit h

a s or t o f g ig an ti c i mp re ss io n. N o t ri vi al a tt em pt h as b ee n m ad e t o m ak e i t l ik e a c om mo n s ta tu e; n o

a tt em pt t o c ar ve t he m an e i nt o c ur ls , o r t o d is ti ngu is h t he m on st er m in ut el y f ro m t he e ar th o ut o f w hi ch h e

r is es , s haki ng t he w or ld . T he f ace o f t he l io n h as s om et hi ng o f t he b ol d con vent io nali ty o f A ss yr ian art .T he ma ne of t he l io n i s l ef t l ik e a s ha pe le ss c lou d o f t em pe st , a s i f i t m ig ht l it er al ly b e s ai d of hi m t ha t G od

h ad c lo th ed h is n ec k w it h t hu nd er . E ve n a t t hi s d is ta nc e t he t hi ng l oo ks v as t, a nd i n s om e s en se

prehistoric. Yet it was carved only a little while ago. It commemorates the fact that this town was never

t ake n b y t he G er ma ns t hr ou gh a ll t he t er ri bl e y ea r, b ut on ly l ai d d ow n i ts a rm s a t l as t a t t he c om ma nd o f

i ts o wn G ov er nm en t. B ut t he s pi ri t o f i t h as b een i n t hi s l an d f ro m t he b eg in ni ng — t he s pi ri t o f s om et hi ng

defiant and almost defeated.

A s I l ea ve t hi s p la ce a nd t ak e t he r ai lw ay i nt o G er ma ny t he n ew s c om es t hi ck er a nd t hi ck er u p t he

s tr ee ts t ha t S ou the rn F ra nc e i s i n a f la me , a nd t ha t t he re pe rha ps w il l b e f oug ht o ut f ina ll y t he a wf ul

m ode rn ba tt le o f t he r ic h a nd p oor . A nd a s I pa ss i nt o qu ie te r p la ce s f or t he l as t s ign o f F ra nc e on t he

s ky- li ne , I s ee t he Li on of B el for t s ta nd a t ba y, t he l as t s igh t of t ha t g re at p eopl e whi ch ha s ne ve r be en a t peace.

X XI X. H um an it y: a n I nt er lu de

Exc ept f or s om e f ine w or ks o f a rt , wh ic h s ee m t o be t he re b y a cc id ent , t he Ci ty o f B rus se ls i s l ike a ba d

P ar is , a P ar is w it h e ve ry th in g n ob le c ut o ut , a nd e ve ry th in g n as ty l ef t i n. N o o ne c an u nd er st an d P ar is a nd

i ts h is to ry w ho d oes n ot u nd er st an d t hat i ts f iercen es s i s t he b al an ce and j us ti fi cati on o f i ts f ri vo li ty . I t i s

c al le d a c it y of pl ea sur e; but i t m ay a ls o ve ry s pe ci al ly be c al le d a c it y of pa in. The c rown of r os es i s a ls o

a c row n o f t hor ns . I ts p eo pl e a re t oo pr one t o hu rt o th er s, b ut q ui te r ea dy a ls o t o h ur t t he ms el ve s. Th eyare m ar ty rs f or r el ig io n, t hey are m ar ty rs f or i rr el ig io n; t hey are even m ar ty rs f or i mm or al it y. F or t he

i nd ec enc y o f m an y of t he ir b ook s a nd p ape rs i s n ot of t he s or t wh ic h c ha rm s a nd s edu ce s, b ut of t he s or t

t hat h or ri fi es and h ur ts ; t hey are t or tu ri ng t hems el ves. T hey l as h t heir o wn p at ri ot is m i nt o l if e w it h t he

s am e w hi ps w hi ch m os t m en u se t o l as h f or ei gn er s t o s il en ce . Th e e ne mi es of F ra nc e c an n ev er g iv e a n

a cc ou nt of h er i nf am y or d ec ay w hi ch do es n ot s ee m i ns ip id a nd e ve n p ol it e c om pa re d w it h t he t hi ng s

w hi ch t he N at io nali st s o f F rance s ay abo ut t heir o wn n at io n. T hey t au nt and t or ment t hems el ves;

s om et im es t hey even d el ib er at el y o pp ress t hems el ves. T hu s, w hen t he m ob o f P ar is cou ld m ak e a

G ov er nm en t t o p le as e i ts el f, i t m ad e a s or t o f s ub li me t yr an ny t o o rd er i ts el f a bo ut . T he s pi ri t i s t he s am e

f ro m t he C ru sades o r S t. B ar th ol om ew t o t he apo th eo si s o f Z ol a. T he o ld r el ig io ni st s t or tu red m en

physically for a moral truth. The new realists torture men morally for a physical truth.

N ow B ru ss el s i s P ar is w it ho ut t hi s con st an t p ur if icat io n o f p ai n. I ts i nd ecen ci es are n ot r eg rett ab le


P a g e 5 3




i ncid en ts i n an everl as ti ng r ev ol ut io n. I t h as n on e o f t he t hi ng s w hi ch m ak e g oo d F renchm en l ov e P ar is ; i t

h as o nl y t he t hi ng s w hi ch m ak e u ns peak ab le E ng li sh men l ov e i t. I t h as t he p ar t w hi ch i s cos mo po li tan—

and n ar ro ws ; n ot t he p ar t w hi ch i s P ar is ian— an d u ni vers al . Y ou can f in d t here ( as com mo nl y h ap pens i n

m od er n cen tr es ) t he w or st t hi ng s o f all n at io ns —t he D AI LY M AI L f ro m E ng land , t he cheap p hi lo so ph ies

f ro m G er ma ny , t he l oo se n ov el s o f F ra nc e, a nd t he d ri nk s o f A me ri ca . B ut t he re i s n o E ng li sh b ro ad f un ,

no German kindly ceremony, no American exhilaration, and, above all, no French tradition of fighting for

an i dea. T ho ug h all t he b ou levard s l oo k l ik e P ar is ian b ou levard s, t ho ug h all t he s ho ps l oo k l ik e P ar is ians ho ps , y ou can no t l oo k at t hem s tead il y f or t wo m in ut es w it ho ut f eeli ng t he f ul l d is tance b et ween , l et u s

s ay , K in g L eo po ld and f ig ht er s l ik e C lemenceau and D er ou lede.

. . . . .

For a ll t he se r ea so ns , a nd ma ny mo re , wh en I ha d go t i nt o Br us se ls I be ga n t o ma ke a ll n ec es sa ry

a rr ang em ent s f or g et ti ng o ut of i t a ga in ; a nd I ha d i mp ul si ve ly go t i nt o a t ra m w hi ch s ee me d t o be go in g

out of t he c it y. I n t hi s t ra m t he re we re t wo me n t al ki ng; one wa s a l it tl e ma n wi th a bl ac k Fr enc h be ar d;

t he o th er w as a b al di sh m an w it h b us hy w hi sk er s, l ik e t he f in an ci al f or ei gn cou nt i n a t hr ee-act f ar ce. A nd

a bo ut t he t im e t ha t w e r ea ch ed t he s ub ur b o f t he c it y, a nd t he t ra ff ic g re w t hi nn er , a nd t he n oi se s m or ef ew , I b eg an t o h ea r w ha t t he y w er e s ay in g. T ho ug h t he y s po ke F re nc h q ui ck ly , t he ir w or ds w er e f ai rl y

e as y t o f ol lo w, b ec au se t he y w er e a ll l on g w or ds . A ny bo dy c an u nd er st an d l on g w or ds b ec au se t he y

h av e i n t hem all t he l ucid it y o f L at in .

T he m an w it h t he b la ck b ea rd s ai d: “ It m us t t ha t w e h av e t he P ro gr es s. ”

T he m an w it h t he w hi sk er s p ar ri ed t hi s s mart ly b y s ay in g: “It m us t als o t hat w e h av e t he C on so li dati on

International.”

Thi s i s a s or t of di sc uss ion w hic h I li ke m ys el f, s o I li st ene d wi th s ome c ar e, a nd I t hi nk I pi cke d up t he

t hr ea d o f i t. O ne of th e Be lgi ans wa s a Li tt le Be lgi an, a s w e s pe ak of a L itt le Engl ande r. The ot he r wa s aB el gi an I mp er iali st , f or t ho ug h B el gi um i s n ot q ui te s tr on g eno ug h t o b e alt og et her a n at io n, s he i s q ui te

s tr on g e no ug h t o b e a n e mp ir e. B ei ng a n at io n m ea ns s ta nd in g u p t o y ou r e qu al s, w he re as b ei ng a n

emp ir e o nl y m eans k icki ng y ou r i nf er io rs . T he m an w it h w hi sk er s w as t he I mp er iali st , and h e w as s ay in g:

“Th e s ci en ce, b eh ol d t here t he n ew g ui de o f h um an it y. ”

A nd t he m an w it h t he b ea rd a ns we re d h im : “ It d oe s n ot s uf fi ce t o h av e p ro gr es s i n t he s ci en ce ; o ne m us t

h av e i t als o i n t he s en ti ment o f t he h um an j us ti ce.”

T hi s r em ar k I a pp la ud ed , a s i f a t a p ub li c m ee ti ng , b ut t he y w er e m uc h t oo k ee n o n t he ir a rg um en t t o

h ea r m e. T he v ie ws I h av e o ft en h ea rd i n E ng la nd, b ut ne ve r u tt er ed s o l uc id ly , a nd c er ta in ly n ev er s of as t. T ho ug h B el gi an b y n at io n t hey m us t b ot h h av e b een ess en ti al ly F rench. W hi sk er s w as g reat o n

e du ca ti on , w hi ch , i t s ee ms , i s o n t he m ar ch . A ll t he w or ld g oe s t o m ak e i ts el f i ns tr uc te d. I t m us t t ha t t he

m or e i ns tr ucted enl ig ht en t he l es s i ns tr ucted. E h, w el l t hen, t he E ur op ean m us t i mp os e u po n t he s av ag e

t he s ci en ce a nd t he l igh t. A ls o ( ap pa re nt ly ) h e m us t i mpo se h im se lf o n t he s ava ge w hi le he i s a bo ut i t.

T o- day o ne t ravell ed q ui ck ly . T he s ci en ce h ad chang ed all . F or o ur f at hers , t hey w er e r el ig io us , and

( wh at w as w or se) d ead. T o- day h um an it y h ad elect ri ci ty t o t he h an d; t he m achi nes cam e f ro m

t ri um ph in g; all t he l in es and l im it s o f t he g lo be eff aced t hems el ves. S oo n t here w ou ld n ot b e b ut t he g reat

E mp ir es and con federati on s, g ui ded b y t he s ci en ce, alw ay s t he s ci en ce.

H er e W hi sk er s s to pp ed a n i ns ta nt f or b re at h; a nd t he m an w it h t he s en ti me nt f or h um an j us ti ce ha d “ la

parole” off him in a flash. Without doubt Humanity was on the march, but towards the sentiments, the

i deal , t he m et ho ds m or al and p acif ic. H um an it y d ir ected i ts el f t ow ar ds H um an it y. F or y ou r w ar s and

e mp ir es on be ha lf of c iv il is at io n, w ha t w er e t he y i n e ff ec t? T he w ar , wa s i t n ot i ts el f a n a ff ai r o f t he


P a g e 5 4




barbarism? The Empires were they not things savage? The Humanity had passed all that; she was now

i nt el lect ual. T ol st oy h ad r ef in ed all h um an s ou ls w it h t he s en ti ment s t he m os t d el icat e and j us t. M an w as

become a spirit; the wings pushed. . . .

. . . . .

A t t hi s i mp or ta nt p oi nt o f e vo lu ti on t he t ra m c am e t o a j er ky s to pp ag e; a nd s ta ri ng a ro un d I f ou nd , t o m ys tu nn ed c on st er na ti on , t ha t i t w as a lm os t d ar k, t ha t I w as f ar a wa y f ro m B ru ss el s, t ha t I c ou ld n ot d re am

o f g et ti ng b ack t o d in ner; i n s ho rt , t hat t hr ou gh t he cli ng in g f as ci nati on o f t hi s g reat con tr ov er sy o n

H um an it y and i ts r ecen t com pl et e alt er at io n b y s ci en ce o r T ol st oy , I h ad l an ded m ys el f H eaven k no ws

w he re . I d ro pp ed h as ti ly f ro m t he s ub ur ba n t ra m a nd l et i t g o o n w it ho ut m e.

I wa s a lone i n the f la t f ie lds out of s ight of t he c ity. On one s ide of the r oa d wa s one of t hose sm all , t hi n

w oo ds w hi ch are com mo n i n all cou nt ri es , b ut o f w hi ch , b y a coi ncid en ce, t he m ys ti cal p ai nt er s o f

F la nd er s w er e v er y f ond . T he ni gh t w as c lo si ng i n w it h c lou dy p ur pl e a nd g re y; t he re w as o ne r ib bo n o f

s il ve r, t he l as t r ag o f t he s un se t. T hr ou gh t he w oo d w en t o ne l it tl e p at h, a nd s om eh ow i t s ug ge st ed t ha t i t

mi ght le ad t o s ome s ign of l if e— the re was no ot he r si gn of li fe on t he hori zon. I we nt a long i t, and soons an k i nt o a s or t o f d an ci ng t wi li gh t o f all t ho se t in y t rees . T here i s s om et hi ng s ub tl e and b ew il deri ng abo ut

t ha t s or t o f f ra il a nd f an ta st ic w oo d. A f or es t o f b ig t re es s ee ms l ik e a b od il y b ar ri er ; b ut s om eh ow t ha t

mi st of thi n li nes s eems l ike a s pi rit ual ba rr ie r. I t i s as i f one we re c aught in a f ai ry c loud or c oul d not pa ss

a ph ant om . W he n I h ad w el l l os t t he l as t gl ea m o f t he h ig h r oa d a c ur io us a nd de fi ni te f ee li ng c am e up on

me. Now I suddenly felt something much more practical and extraordinary—the absence of humanity:

i nh um an l on el in es s. O f cou rs e, t here w as n ot hi ng r eall y l os t i n m y s tate; b ut t he m oo d m ay h it o ne

a ny wh er e. I w an te d m en — a ny m en ; a nd I f el t ou r a wf ul a ll ia nc e o ve r a ll t he g lob e. A nd a t l as t, w he n I

ha d wa lke d f or wha t s ee me d a l ong ti me , I s aw a l ight t oo ne ar t he e ar th t o me an a nyt hi ng e xc ep t t he

i mage o f G od .

I ca me out on a c lea r spa ce a nd a l ow, long c ot ta ge, t he door of whic h was open, but wa s bl ocke d by a big grey horse, who seemed to prefer to eat with his head inside the sitting-room. I got past him, and

f oun d h e w as b ei ng f ed b y a y oun g m an w ho w as s it ti ng d ow n a nd d ri nk in g b ee r i ns id e, a nd w ho s al ut ed

m e w it h h ea vy r us ti c c ou rt es y, bu t i n a s tr ang e t on gu e. T he r oo m w as f ul l of s ta ri ng f ac es l ik e o wl s, a nd

t hese I t raced at l en gt h as b el on gi ng t o abo ut s ix s mall chi ld ren. T heir f at her w as s ti ll w or ki ng i n t he f ield s,

but their mother rose when I entered. She smiled, but she and all the rest spoke some rude language,

F la ma nd , I s up pos e; s o t ha t we h ad t o b e k in d t o e ac h o th er b y s ign s. S he f et che d m e b ee r, a nd p oi nt ed

out my wa y wi th he r f inge r; a nd I dr ew a pi ct ur e t o pl ea se t he c hi ld re n; a nd a s it wa s a pi ct ur e of t wo

m en hi tt in g e ac h o the r w it h s wo rd s, i t pl ea se d t he m v er y m uc h. T he n I g av e a B el gi an p en ny t o e ac h

c hi ld , f or a s I s ai d o n c ha nc e i n F re nc h, “ It m us t b e t ha t w e h av e t he e co no mi c e qu al it y. ” B ut t he y h ad

n ev er h eard o f eco no mi c equ al it y, w hi le all B at ters ea w or km en h av e h eard o f eco no mi c equ al it y, t ho ug hi t i s t ru e t ha t t he y h av en' t g ot i t.

I fo und my wa y ba ck t o t he c it y, a nd s ome t ime a ft erw ar ds I a ct ua ll y s aw i n t he s tr ee t m y t wo me n

t al ki ng , n o d ou bt s ti ll s ay in g, o ne t hat S ci en ce h ad chang ed all i n H um an it y, and t he o th er t hat H um an it y

w as no w pu shi ng t he w ing s o f t he pu re ly i nt el le ct ua l. B ut f or m e H um an it y w as h oo ke d on t o a n

a cc id en ta l p ic tu re . I t ho ugh t o f a l ow a nd l one ly ho us e i n t he f la ts , be hi nd a ve il or f il m o f s li gh t t re es , a

m an b reak in g t he g ro un d as m en h av e b ro ken f ro m t he f ir st m or ni ng , and a h ug e g rey h or se champ in g h is

f oo d w it hi n a f oot of a c hi ld 's h ea d, a s i n t he s ta bl e whe re C hr is t wa s b or n.

XXX. The Little Birds Who Won't Sing


P a g e 5 5




On my l as t mor ning on t he Fle mis h coa st , whe n I knew t hat in a fe w hours I s houl d be in Engl and, my

e ye f el l up on o ne o f t he de ta il s o f G ot hi c c ar vi ng o f w hi ch F la nd er s i s f ul l. I d o n ot k now w he th er t he

t hi ng i s o ld , t ho ug h i t w as cer tain ly k no ck ed abo ut and i nd ecip herabl e, b ut at l east i t w as cer tain ly i n t he

s ty le a nd t ra di ti on o f t he e ar ly M id dl e A ge s. I t s ee me d t o r ep re se nt m en b en di ng t he ms el ve s ( no t t o s ay

t wi st in g t hems el ves) t o cer tain p ri mary emp lo ym en ts . S om e s eemed t o b e s ai lo rs t ug gi ng at r op es ; o th er s,

I think, were reaping; others were energetically pouring something into something else. This is entirely

charact er is ti c o f t he p ictu res and car vi ng s o f t he ear ly t hi rt eent h cen tu ry , p er haps t he m os t p ur el yv ig or ou s t im e i n all h is to ry . T he g reat G reek s p referr ed t o car ve t heir g od s and h er oes d oi ng n ot hi ng .

S pl en di d and p hi lo so ph ic as t heir com po su re i s t here i s alw ay s abo ut i t s om et hi ng t hat m ar ks t he m as ter

o f m an y s laves. B ut i f t here w as o ne t hi ng t he ear ly m ed iaev al s l ik ed i t w as r ep resent in g p eo pl e d oi ng

s om et hi ng — h un ti ng o r h aw ki ng , o r r ow in g b oats , o r t read in g g rapes, o r m ak in g s ho es , o r coo ki ng

s om et hi ng i n a p ot . “Qu icqu id agu nt h om in es , v ot um , t im or , i ra v ol up tas. ” ( I q uo te f ro m m em or y. ) T he

M id dl e A ges i s f ul l o f t hat s pi ri t i n all i ts m on um en ts and m an us cr ip ts . C haucer r et ai ns i t i n h is j ol ly

i ns i st en ce o n every bo dy 's t yp e o f t rade and t oi l. I t w as t he ear li est and y ou ng es t r es ur r ecti on o f E ur op e,

t he t im e w hen s ocial o rd er w as s tr en gt heni ng , b ut h ad n ot y et b ecom e o pp ress iv e; t he t im e w hen r el ig io us

f ai th s w er e s tr on g, b ut h ad n ot y et b ee n e xa sp er at ed . F or t hi s r ea so n t he w ho le e ff ec t o f G re ek a nd

Gothic carving is different. The figures in the Elgin marbles, though often reining their steeds for an instanti n t he a ir , s ee m f ro ze n f or e ve r a t t ha t p er fe ct i ns ta nt . B ut a m as s o f m ed ia ev al c ar vi ng s ee ms a ct ua ll y a

s or t o f b us tl e o r h ub bu b i n s to ne. S om et im es o ne can no t h el p f eeli ng t hat t he g ro up s act uall y m ov e and

mi x, and t he whol e f ront of a gr ea t c at hedr al ha s the hum of a huge hi ve .

. . . . .

B ut a bo ut t he se p ar ti cu la r f ig ur es t he re w as a p ec ul ia ri ty o f w hi ch I c ou ld n ot b e s ur e. T ho se o f t he m t ha t

ha d a ny he ads ha d v er y c ur ious he ads , a nd i t s ee me d t o m e t ha t t he y ha d t he ir mo ut hs o pe n. Wh et he r o r

no t hi s r eal ly me ant a nyt hi ng or wa s a n a cc ide nt of na sc ent a rt I do not know ; but i n t he c our se of

w on de ri ng I r ec al le d t o m y m in d t he f ac t t ha t s in gi ng w as c on ne ct ed w it h m an y o f t he t as ks t he re

s ug gest ed , t hat t here w er e s on gs f or r eapers and s on gs f or s ai lo rs h au li ng r op es . I w as s ti ll t hi nk in g abo utt hi s s ma ll p ro bl em w he n I w al ke d a lo ng t he p ie r a t O st en d; a nd I h ea rd s om e s ai lo rs u tt er in g a m ea su re d

s hou t a s t he y l ab ou re d, a nd I r em em be re d t ha t s ai lo rs s ti ll s in g i n c ho ru s w hi le t he y w or k, a nd e ve n s in g

d if ferent s on gs accor di ng t o w hat p ar t o f t heir w or k t hey are d oi ng . A nd a l it tl e w hi le aft er ward s, w hen

m y s ea j our ne y w as o ve r, t he s ig ht of me n w or ki ng i n t he En gl is h f ie ld s r em in de d me a ga in t ha t t he re a re

s ti ll s on gs f or h ar vest and f or m an y agr icul tu ral r ou ti nes. A nd I s ud denl y w on dered w hy i f t hi s w er e s o i t

s ho ul d b e q ui te u nk no wn , f or a ny m od er n t ra de t o h av e a r it ua l p oe tr y. H ow d id p eo pl e c om e t o c ha nt

r ud e p oems w hi le p ul li ng cer tain r op es o r g at heri ng cer tain f ru it , and w hy d id n ob od y d o any th in g o f t he

k in d w hi le p ro du ci ng any o f t he m od er n t hi ng s? W hy i s a m od er n n ew sp ap er n ev er p ri nt ed b y p eo pl e

s in gi ng i n cho ru s? W hy d o s ho pm en s el do m, i f ever, s in g?

. . . . .

I f r eapers s in g w hi le r eapi ng , w hy s ho ul d n ot aud it or s s in g w hi le aud it in g and b an kers w hi le b an ki ng ? I f

t he re a re s ongs f or a ll t he s ep ar at e t hi ng s t ha t ha ve t o be do ne i n a bo at , w hy a re t he re no t s ong s f or a ll

t he s ep ar at e t hi ng s t ha t h av e t o b e d on e i n a b an k? A s t he t ra in f ro m D ov er f le w t hr ou gh t he K en ti sh

g ar de ns , I t ri ed t o w ri te a f ew s on gs s ui ta bl e f or c om me rc ia l g en tl em en . T hu s, t he w or k o f b an k c le rk s

when casting up columns might begin with a thundering chorus in praise of Simple Addition.

“ Up m y l ads a nd l if t t he l edg er s, s le ep a nd e as e a re o 'e r.

H ea r t he S ta rs o f M or ni ng s ho ut in g: ' Tw o a nd T wo a re f ou r. '

T ho ug h t he creed s and r ealm s are r eeli ng , t ho ug h t he s op hi st s r oar,

T ho ug h we w ee p a nd pa wn o ur wa tc he s, T wo a nd Tw o a re F ou r. ”


P a g e 5 6




“ Th er e' s a r un u po n t he B an k— St an d a wa y! F or t he M an ag er 's

a c ra nk a nd t he S ec re ta ry d ra nk ,

a nd t he U pp er T oo ti ng B an k

T ur ns t o ba y!

St and c los e: t he re i s a r un O n t he B an k. Of o ur s hi p, ou r r oy al on e,

let the ringing legend run,t hat s he f ir ed w it h every g un

E re s he s an k. ”

. . . . .

And a s I c ame i nt o t he c loud of London I m et a f ri end of mi ne who a ctua ll y i s in a bank, a nd s ubmi tt ed

t he se s ug ge st io ns i n r hym e t o hi m f or u se a mon g h is c ol le ag ue s. B ut he w as n ot ve ry h op ef ul a bo ut t he

m at te r. I t wa s not ( he a ss ur ed m e) t ha t h e und er ra te d t he v er se s, o r i n a ny s ens e l ame nt ed t he ir l ac k of

polish. No; it was rather, he felt, an indefinable something in the very atmosphere of the society in which

w e l iv e t hat m ak es i t s pi ri tu al ly d if fi cu lt t o s in g i n b an ks . A nd I t hi nk h e m us t b e r ig ht ; t ho ug h t he m at ter i sv er y m ys te ri ou s. I m ay o bs er ve h er e t ha t I t hi nk t he re m us t b e s om e m is ta ke i n t he c al cu la ti on s o f t he

S oc ia li st s. T he y p ut d ow n a ll o ur d is tr es s, n ot t o a m or al t on e, b ut t o t he c ha os o f p ri va te e nt er pr is e.

Now, banks are private; but post-offices are Socialistic: therefore I naturally expected that the

post-office would fall into the collectivist idea of a chorus. Judge of my surprise when the lady in my local

post-office (whom I urged to sing) dismissed the idea with far more coldness than the bank clerk had

d on e. S he s ee me d i nd ee d, t o b e i n a c on si de ra bl y g re at er s ta te o f d ep re ss io n t ha n h e. S ho ul d a ny o ne

s up po se t ha t t hi s w as t he e ff ec t o f t he v er se s t he ms el ve s, i t i s o nl y f ai r t o s ay t ha t t he s pe ci me n v er se o f

the Post-Office Hymn ran thus:

“ O' er L on do n o ur l et te rs a re s ha ke n l ik e s no w,

O ur w ir es o 'e r t he w or ld l ik e t he t hu nd er bo lt s g o.The ne ws tha t ma y ma rry a ma iden in Sa rk,

O r k il l a n o ld l ad y i n F in sb ur y P ar k. ”

C hor us ( wi th a s wi ng of j oy a nd e ne rg y) :

“ Or k il l a n o ld l ad y i n F ins bur y P ar k. ”

A nd t he m or e I t ho ugh t a bo ut t he m at te r t he m or e p ai nf ul ly c er ta in i t s ee me d t ha t t he m os t i mp or ta nt a nd

t yp ic al m od er n t hi ng s c ou ld n ot b e d on e w it h a c ho ru s. O ne c ou ld n ot , f or i ns ta nc e, b e a g re at f in an ci er

a nd s in g; b ec au se t he e ss en ce o f b ei ng a g re at f in an ci er i s t ha t y ou k ee p q ui et . Y ou c ou ld n ot e ve n i nm an y m od er n c ir cl es b e a p ub li c m an a nd s in g; b ec au se i n t ho se c ir cl es t he e ss en ce o f b ei ng a p ub li c m an

i s t hat y ou d o n earl y every th in g i n p ri vate. N ob od y w ou ld i magi ne a cho ru s o f m on ey -l en ders . E very o ne

k no ws t he s to ry o f t he s ol icit or s' cor ps o f v ol un teer s w ho , w hen t he C ol on el o n t he b at tl ef ield cri ed

“Charge!” all said simultaneously, “Six-and-eightpence.” Men can sing while charging in a military, but

h ar dl y i n a l eg al s ens e. A nd a t t he e nd of m y r ef le ct io ns I h ad r ea ll y g ot n o f ur th er t ha n t he s ub -c on sc io us

feeling of my friend the bank-clerk—that there is something spiritually suffocating about our life; not about

o ur l aw s m er el y, b ut a bo ut o ur l if e. B an k- cl er ks a re w it ho ut s on gs , n ot b ec au se t he y a re p oo r, b ut

because they are sad. Sailors are much poorer. As I passed homewards I passed a little tin building of

s om e r el ig io us s or t, w hi ch w as s haken w it h s ho ut in g as a t ru mp et i s t or n w it h i ts o wn t on gu e. T HE Y

we re s inging a nyhow; and I ha d f or a n i ns ta nt a fa nc y I had of ten ha d be fore : t ha t wi th us t he

s up er -h um an i s t he o nl y pl ac e w he re y ou c an f in d t he h um an. H um an na tu re i s h un te d a nd h as f le d i nt o

sanctuary.


P a g e 5 7




XXXI. The Riddle of the Ivy

M or e t ha n a m on th a go, w he n I w as l ea vi ng L on do n f or a h ol id ay, a f ri end w al ke d i nt o m y f la t i n

Battersea and found me surrounded with half-packed luggage.

“ Yo u s ee m t o b e o ff o n y ou r t ra ve ls ,” h e s ai d. “ Wh er e a re y ou g oi ng ?”

W it h a s tr ap b et we en m y t ee th I r ep li ed , “ To B at te rs ea .”

“Th e w it o f y ou r r em ar k, ” h e s ai d, “wh ol ly escap es m e. ”

“ I a m g oi ng t o B at te rs ea ,” I r ep ea te d, “ to B at te rs ea v ia P ar is , B el fo rt , H ei de lb er g, a nd F ra nk fo rt . M y

r em ar k c on ta in ed n o w it . I t c on ta in ed s im pl y t he t ru th . I a m g oi ng t o w an de r o ve r t he w ho le w or ld u nt il

o nc e m or e I f in d B at te rs ea . S om ew he re i n t he s ea s o f s un se t o r o f s un ri se , s om ew he re i n t he u lt im at e

archi pelago o f t he ear th , t here i s o ne l it tl e i sl an d w hi ch I w is h t o f in d: an i sl an d w it h l ow g reen h il ls and

g reat w hi te cli ff s. T ravell er s t el l m e t hat i t i s cal led E ng land ( Scot ch t ravell er s t el l m e t hat i t i s cal ledB ri ta in) , a nd t he re i s a r um ou r t ha t s om ew he re i n t he h ea rt of i t t he re i s a b ea ut if ul p la ce c al le d

Battersea.”

“I s up po se i t i s u nn eces sary t o t el l y ou ,” s ai d m y f ri en d, w it h an air o f i nt el lect ual com pari so n, “th at t hi s i s

Battersea?”

“ It i s q ui te u nn ec es sa ry ,” I s ai d, “ an d i t i s s pi ri tu al ly u nt ru e. I c an no t s ee a ny B at te rs ea h er e; I c an no t s ee

a ny L on don or a ny E ng la nd. I c an no t s ee t ha t do or . I c ann ot s ee t ha t c ha ir : be ca us e a c lo ud o f s le ep a nd

c us tom ha s c ome a cr os s m y e ye s. T he on ly wa y t o ge t ba ck t o t he m i s t o go s om ewh er e e ls e; a nd t ha t i s

t he r ea l o bj ec t of t ra ve l a nd t he r ea l pl ea sur e of ho li da ys . Do yo u s upp os e t ha t I g o t o Fr an ce i n or de r t os ee Fr anc e? Do y ou s upp os e t ha t I g o t o G er ma ny i n o rde r t o s ee G er ma ny? I s ha ll e nj oy t he m b ot h; but

i t i s no t t he m t ha t I a m s ee ki ng. I a m s ee ki ng B at te rs ea . T he whol e ob je ct o f t ra ve l i s not t o s et f oot on

f or ei gn l and; i t i s a t l as t to s et f oot on one 's o wn c ount ry a s a f or ei gn l and. Now I w ar n you t ha t t hi s

Gl ads ton e b ag i s c ompa ct a nd h ea vy, a nd t ha t i f y ou ut te r t ha t wor d ' pa ra dox ' I s ha ll hu rl i t a t your he ad.

I di d n ot ma ke t he wor ld, a nd I di d not ma ke i t pa ra doxi ca l. I t i s not m y f aul t, i t i s t he tr ut h, t ha t t he onl y

wa y t o go t o Engl and i s to go awa y f rom i t.”

B ut w he n, a ft er o nl y a m on th 's t ra ve ll in g, I d id c om e b ac k t o E ng la nd , I w as s ta rt le d t o f in d t ha t I h ad

t ol d t he e xa ct t rut h. E ng la nd d id b re ak o n m e a t o nc e b ea ut if ul ly n ew a nd b ea ut if ul ly o ld . T o l an d a t

D ov er i s t he r ig ht w ay t o a pp ro ac h E ng la nd ( mo st t hi ng s t ha t a re h ac kn ey ed a re r ig ht ), f or t he n y ou s ee

f ir st t he f ul l, s of t g ar dens o f K en t, w hi ch are, p er haps , an exagg er at io n, b ut s ti ll a t yp ical exagg er at io n, o f t he r ich r us ti ci ty o f E ng land . A s i t h ap pened, als o, a f el lo w- tr av el ler w it h w ho m I h ad f al len i nt o

c on ve rs at io n f el t t he s am e f re sh ne ss , t ho ug h f or a no th er c au se . S he w as a n A me ri ca n l ad y w ho h ad s ee n

E ur op e, and h ad n ev er y et s een E ng land , and s he exp ress ed h er ent hu si as m i n t hat s im pl e and s pl en di d

w ay w hi ch i s n at ur al t o A meri cans , w ho are t he m os t i deal is ti c p eo pl e i n t he w ho le w or ld . T heir o nl y

d an ge r i s t ha t t he i de al is t c an e as il y b ec om e t he i do la to r. A nd t he A me ri ca n h as b ec om e s o i de al is ti c t ha t

h e e ve n i de al is es m on ey . B ut ( to q uo te a v er y a bl e w ri te r o f A me ri ca n s ho rt s to ri es ) t ha t i s a no th er s to ry .

“ I ha ve neve r be en i n Engla nd be fore ,” sa id t he Ame ric an l ady, “ ye t it i s s o pr ett y t ha t I f ee l a s if I ha ve

been away from it for a long time.”

“ So y ou h av e, ” I s ai d; “ yo u h av e b ee n a wa y f or t hr ee h un dr ed y ea rs .”


P a g e 5 8




“ Wha t a l ot of i vy y ou ha ve ,” s he s ai d. “ It c ove rs t he c hur che s a nd i t bur ie s t he hous es . W e ha ve i vy; but

I h av e n ev er s ee n i t g ro w l ik e t ha t. ”

“ I a m i nt er es te d t o h ea r i t, ” I r epl ie d, “ for I a m m aki ng a l it tl e l is t o f a ll t he t hi ng s t ha t a re r ea ll y b et te r i n

E ng land . E ven a m on th o n t he C on ti nent , com bi ned w it h i nt el li gence, w il l t each y ou t hat t here are m an y

t hi ng s t ha t a re b et te r a br oa d. A ll t he t hi ng s t ha t t he D AI LY M AI L c al ls E ng li sh a re b et te r a br oa d. B ut

t here are t hi ng s ent ir el y E ng li sh and ent ir el y g oo d. K ip pers , f or i ns tance, and F ree T rade, and f ro ntg ar dens , and i nd iv id ual l ib er ty , and t he E li zabeth an d rama, and h an so m cab s, and cri ck et , and M r. W il l

C ro ok s. A bo ve a ll , t he re i s t he h ap py a nd h ol y c us to m o f e at in g a h ea vy b re ak fa st . I c an no t i ma gi ne t ha t

S ha ke sp ea re b eg an t he d ay w it h r ol ls a nd c of fe e, l ik e a F re nc hm an o r a G er ma n. S ur el y h e b eg an w it h

bacon or bloaters. In fact, a light bursts upon me; for the first time I see the real meaning of Mrs. Gallup

a nd t he G re at C ip he r. I t i s m er el y a m is ta ke i n t he m at te r o f a c ap it al l et te r. I w it hd ra w m y o bj ec ti on s; I

accept everything; bacon did write Shakespeare.”

“ I c ann ot l oo k a t a ny th in g b ut t he i vy ,” s he s ai d, “ it l ook s s o c om fo rt ab le .”

W hi le s he l ooke d a t t he i vy I op ene d f or t he f ir st t im e f or m any w ee ks a n Engl is h ne ws pa pe r, a nd I r ea da s pe ec h of M r. B al fo ur i n w hi ch he s ai d t ha t t he H ous e of Lo rds o ugh t t o be p re se rve d be ca us e i t

r ep resent ed s om et hi ng i n t he n at ur e o f p er manent p ub li c o pi ni on o f E ng land , abo ve t he ebb and f lo w o f

t he p ar ti es . N ow M r. B al fo ur i s a p er fe ct ly s in ce re p at ri ot , a m an w ho , f ro m h is o wn p oi nt o f v ie w, t hi nk s

l on g and s er io us ly abo ut t he p ub li c n eeds , and h e i s, m or eo ver, a m an o f ent ir el y excep ti on ab le

i nt el le ct ua l p ow er . B ut a la s, i n s pi te of a ll t hi s, w he n I ha d r ea d t ha t s pe ec h I t ho ug ht w it h a h ea vy h ea rt

t ha t t he re w as o ne m or e t hi ng t ha t I h ad t o a dd t o t he l is t o f t he s pe ci al ly E ng li sh t hi ng s, s uc h a s k ip pe rs

a nd c ri ck et ; I h ad t o a dd t he s pe ci al ly E ng li sh k in d o f h um bu g. I n F ra nc e t hi ng s a re a tt ac ke d a nd

d ef en de d f or w ha t t he y a re . T he C at ho li c C hu rc h i s a tt ac ke d b ec au se i t i s C at ho li c, a nd d ef en de d

because it is Catholic. The Republic is defended because it is Republican, and attacked because it is

Republican. But here is the ablest of English politicians consoling everybody by telling them that the

H ou se o f L or ds i s n ot r eall y t he H ou se o f L or ds , b ut s om et hi ng q ui te d if ferent , t hat t he f oo li sh accid en tal peers whom he meets every night are in some mysterious way experts upon the psychology of the

de mo cra cy ; t ha t i f you wa nt to know wha t t he ve ry poo r wa nt y ou m us t a sk t he ve ry r ic h, a nd t ha t if you

w an t t he t ru th a bo ut H ox to n, y ou m us t a sk f or i t a t H at fi el d. I f t he C on se rv at iv e d ef en de r o f t he H ou se o f

L or ds w er e a l og ical F rench p ol it ician h e w ou ld s im pl y b e a l iar. B ut b ei ng an E ng li sh p ol it ician h e i s

s im pl y a p oet. T he E ng li sh l ov e o f b el ievi ng t hat all i s as i t s ho ul d b e, t he E ng li sh o pt im is m com bi ned w it h

t he s tr on g E ng li sh i magi nati on , i s t oo m uch even f or t he o bv io us f acts . I n a col d, s ci en ti fi c s en se, o f

c ou rs e, M r. B al fo ur k no ws t ha t n ea rl y a ll t he L or ds w ho a re n ot L or ds b y a cc id en t a re L or ds b y b ri be ry .

H e k no ws , a nd ( as M r. B el lo c e xc el le nt ly s ai d) e ve ry bo dy i n P ar li am en t k no ws t he v er y n am es o f t he

peers who have purchased their peerages. But the glamour of comfort, the pleasure of reassuring himself

and r eass ur in g o th er s, i s t oo s tr on g f or t hi s o ri gi nal k no wl ed ge; at l as t i t f ad es f ro m h im , and h e s in cerelyand earnestly calls on Englishmen to join with him in admiring an august and public-spirited Senate, having

w ho ll y f or go tt en t hat t he S en at e r eall y con si st s o f i di ot s w ho m h e h as h im self d es pi sed; and adv en tu rers

whom he has himself ennobled.

“Yo ur i vy i s s o b eaut if ul ly s of t and t hi ck ,” s ai d t he A meri can l ad y, “it s eems t o cov er alm os t every th in g.

I t m us t b e t he m os t p oeti cal t hi ng i n E ng land .”

“ It i s v er y b ea ut if ul ,” I s ai d, “ an d, a s yo u s ay , i t i s v er y E ng li sh . C ha rl es D ic ke ns , w ho w as a lm os t m or e

E ng li sh t ha n E ng la nd , w ro te o ne o f h is r ar e p oe ms a bo ut t he b ea ut y o f i vy. Y es , by a ll m ea ns l et u s

a dm ir e t he i vy, s o d ee p, s o w ar m, s o f ul l of a ge ni al gl oom a nd a gr ot es que t ende rne ss . L et us a dmi re t he

i vy; and l et us pr ay t o God i n His me rc y tha t i t may not ki ll t he t re e.”


P a g e 5 9




XX XI I. T he T ra ve ll ers i n S ta te

T he o th er d ay , t o m y g re at a st on is hm en t, I c au gh t a t ra in ; i t w as a t ra in g oi ng i nt o t he E as te rn C ou nt ie s,

and I o nl y j us t cau gh t i t. A nd w hi le I w as r un ni ng alo ng t he t rain ( am id g en er al adm ir at io n) I n ot iced t hat

t here w er e a q ui te p ecul iar and u nu su al n um ber o f car ri ag es m ar ked “En gaged. ” O n f iv e, s ix , s ev en ,

eig ht , n in e car ri ag es w as p as ted t he l it tl e n ot ice: at f iv e, s ix , s ev en , eig ht , n in e w in do ws w er e b ig b land

m en s tari ng o ut i n t he con scio us p ri de o f p os sess io n. T heir b od ies s eemed m or e t han u su al ly

i mp en et ra bl e, t he ir f ac es m or e t ha n u su al p la ci d. I t c ou ld n ot b e t he D er by , i f o nl y f or t he m in or r ea so ns

t ha t i t wa s t he op pos it e d ir ec ti on a nd t he wr on g d ay. I t c ou ld h ar dl y be t he K ing. I t c ou ld ha rdl y be t he

F rench P resi dent . F or , t ho ug h t hese d is ti ng ui sh ed p er so ns n at ur al ly l ik e t o b e p ri vate f or t hr ee h ou rs , t hey

a re a t l ea st pu bl ic f or t hr ee m inut es . A c row d c an ga the r t o s ee t he m s te p i nt o t he t ra in; a nd t he re w as no

cro wd h er e, o r any p ol ice ceremo ni al .

W ho w er e t ho se a wf ul p er so ns , w ho o cc up ie d m or e o f t he t ra in t ha n a b ri ck la ye r' s b ea nf ea st , a nd y et

w er e m or e f as ti di ou s a nd d el ic at e t ha n t he K in g' s o wn s ui te ? W ho w er e t he se t ha t w er e l ar ge r t ha n a

m ob , y et m or e m ys te ri ou s t ha n a m on ar ch ? W as i t p os si bl e t ha t i ns te ad o f o ur R oy al H ou se v is it in g t he

T sa r, h e wa s r ea ll y vi si ti ng us ? Or d oe s t he H ous e of Lo rds ha ve a b re akf as t? I wa it ed a nd w on de re du nt il t he t rain s lo wed d ow n at s om e s tati on i n t he d ir ecti on o f C am br id ge. T hen t he l ar ge, i mp en et rabl e

m en g ot o ut , a nd a ft er t he m g ot o ut t he d is ti ng ui sh ed h ol de rs o f t he e ng ag ed s ea ts . T he y w er e a ll d re ss ed

d ecor ou sl y i n o ne col ou r; t hey h ad n eat ly cro pp ed h ai r; and t hey w er e chain ed t og et her.

I l oo ke d a cr os s t he c ar ri ag e a t i ts o nl y o th er o cc up an t, a nd o ur e ye s m et . H e w as a s ma ll , t ir ed -l oo ki ng

m an , a nd , a s I a ft er wa rd s l ea rn t, a n at iv e o f C am br id ge ; b y t he l oo k o f h im , s om e w or ki ng t ra de sm an

t he re , s uc h a s a j ou rn ey ma n t ai lo r o r a s ma ll c lo ck -m en de r. I n o rd er t o m ak e c on ve rs at io n I s ai d I

w on dered w here t he con vi ct s w er e g oi ng . H is m ou th t wi tched w it h t he i ns ti ncti ve i ro ny o f o ur p oo r, and

he s ai d: “ I d on' t s 'p os e t he y' re goi n' o n a n ' ol ida y a t t he s ea si de w it h l it tl e s pa de s a nd p ai ls .” I w as

n at ur al ly d el ig ht ed , and , p ur su in g t he s am e v ei n o f l it er ar y i nv en ti on , I s ug gest ed t hat p er haps d on s w er et ak en d ow n t o C am br id ge c ha in ed t og et he r l ik e t hi s. A nd a s h e l iv ed i n C am br id ge , a nd h ad s ee n s ev er al

do ns , he w as pl ea se d wi th s uc h a s ch em e. T he n w he n we h ad c ea se d t o l aug h, we s udde nl y b ec ame

qui te s il ent ; a nd t he bl ea k, gr ey e ye s of t he l it tl e m an gr ew s add er a nd e mpt ie r t ha n a n op en s ea . I kn ew

w hat h e w as t hi nk in g, b ecau se I w as t hi nk in g t he s am e, b ecau se all m od er n s op hi st s are o nl y s op hi st s,

a nd t he re i s s uc h a t hing a s manki nd. The n at l ast ( and i t f ell i n a s e xac tly a s the ri ght l ast note of a tune

one i s t ryi ng t o r eme mbe r) he s ai d: “ Wel l, I s 'pos e we ' ave t o do it .” And i n t hos e t hr ee t hi ngs , hi s f ir st

s pe ec h a nd h is s il en ce a nd h is s ec on d s pe ec h, t he re w er e a ll t he t hr ee g re at f un da me nt al f ac ts o f t he

E ng li sh d em ocracy , i ts p ro fo un d s en se o f h um ou r, i ts p ro fo un d s en se o f p at ho s, and i ts p ro fo un d s en se o f

helplessness.

. . . . .

I t c anno t b e t oo of te n r epe at ed t ha t a ll r ea l de moc ra cy i s a n a tt em pt ( li ke t ha t of a j ol ly ho st es s) t o br ing

t he s hy p eo pl e o ut . F or e ve ry p ra ct ic al p ur po se o f a p ol it ic al s ta te , f or e ve ry p ra ct ic al p ur po se o f a

t ea -p ar ty , h e t ha t a ba se th h im se lf m us t b e e xa lt ed . A t a t ea -p ar ty i t i s e qu al ly o bv io us t ha t h e t ha t e xa lt et h

h im self m us t b e abased, i f p os si bl e w it ho ut b od il y v io lence. N ow p eo pl e t al k o f d em ocracy as b ei ng

coars e and t ur bu lent : i t i s a s el f- ev id en t err or i n m er e h is to ry . A ri st ocracy i s t he t hi ng t hat i s alw ay s

coars e and t ur bu lent : f or i t m eans app eali ng t o t he s el f- co nf id en t p eo pl e. D em ocracy m eans app eali ng t o

t he d if fe re nt p eo pl e. D em oc ra cy m ea ns g et ti ng t ho se p eo pl e t o v ot e w ho w ou ld n ev er h av e t he c he ek t o

g ov er n: a nd ( ac co rd in g t o C hr is ti an e th ic s) t he p re ci se p eo pl e w ho o ug ht t o g ov er n a re t he p eo pl e w ho

ha ve not t he che ek to do it . The re i s a s trong exa mple of thi s tr uth i n my fr iend i n the tr ain. The onl y t wot yp es w e h ea r o f i n t hi s a rg um en t a bo ut c ri me a nd p un is hm en t a re t wo v er y r ar e a nd a bn or ma l t yp es .


P a g e 6 0




W e h ea r o f t he s ta rk s en ti me nt al is t, w ho t al ks a s i f t he re w er e n o p ro bl em a t a ll : a s i f p hy si ca l k in dn es s

w ou ld c ur e e ve ry th in g: a s i f o ne n ee d o nl y p at N er o a nd s tr ok e I va n t he T er ri bl e. T hi s m er e b el ie f i n

bodily humanitarianism is not sentimental; it is simply snobbish. For if comfort gives men virtue, the

c om fo rt ab le c la ss es o ug ht t o b e v ir tu ou s— wh ic h i s a bs ur d. T he n, a ga in , w e d o h ea r o f t he y et w ea ke r

and m or e w at er y t yp e o f s en ti ment al is ts : I m ean t he s en ti ment al is t w ho s ay s, w it h a s or t o f s pl ut ter, “Fl og

t he b ru tes! ” o r w ho t el ls y ou w it h i nn ocen t o bs ceni ty “wh at h e w ou ld d o” w it h a cer tain m an — alw ay s

s up po si ng t he m an 's h an ds w er e t ied.

T hi s i s t he mor e e ff em ina te t ype o f t he t wo ; but bo th a re w ea k a nd unba la nc ed. And i t i s onl y t he se t wo

types, the sentimental humanitarian and the sentimental brutalitarian, whom one hears in the modern

babel. Yet you very rarely meet either of them in a train. You never meet anyone else in a controversy.

Th e m an you me et i n a t ra in i s l ike t hi s ma n t ha t I me t: he i s e mo ti ona ll y d ec ent , o nl y he i s i nt el le ct ua ll y

d ou bt fu l. S o f ar f ro m l ux ur iati ng i n t he l oath so me t hi ng s t hat cou ld b e “do ne” t o cri mi nals , h e f eels b it terl y

how m uc h be tt er i t wo ul d be i f no thi ng ne ed be do ne . Bu t s ome thi ng mus t be don e. “ I s 'pos e we ' av e t o

do i t. ” In s hor t, he is s impl y a sa ne ma n, a nd of a s ane m an t he re is onl y one sa fe de fi ni ti on. He i s a ma n

w ho c an h av e t ra ge dy i n h is h ea rt a nd c om ed y i n h is h ea d.

. . . . .

N ow t he r eal d if fi cu lt y o f d is cu ss in g d ecen tl y t hi s p ro bl em o f t he p ro per t reat ment o f cri mi nals i s t hat

both parties discuss the matter without any direct human feeling. The denouncers of wrong are as cold as

the organisers of wrong. Humanitarianism is as hard as inhumanity.

L et m e t ak e o ne p ract ical i ns tance. I t hi nk t he f lo gg in g arr an ged i n o ur m od er n p ri so ns i s a f il th y t or tu re;

all i ts s ci en ti fi c p ar ap hern al ia, t he p ho to gr ap hi ng , t he m ed ical att en dance, p ro ve t hat i t g oes t o t he l as t f ou l

l im it of t he bo ot a nd r ac k. T he c at i s s im pl y t he r ac k w it ho ut a ny of i ts i nt el le ct ua l r ea so ns . H ol di ng t hi s

v ie w s tr on gl y, I o pe n t he o rd in ar y h um an it ar ia n b oo ks o r p ap er s a nd I f in d a p hr as e l ik e t hi s, “ Th e l as h i s

a re lic of bar ba ri sm.” So is t he pl ough. So i s the f is hing ne t. So i s t he hor n or t he s taf f or t he fi re l it i nw in ter. W hat an i nexp ress ib ly f eebl e p hr as e f or any th in g o ne w an ts t o att ack— a r el ic o f b ar bari sm ! I t i s

a s i f a m an w al ke d n ake d dow n t he s tr ee t t o- mo rr ow , a nd w e s ai d t ha t h is c lo the s we re not q ui te i n t he

l at es t f as hi on . T here i s n ot hi ng p ar ti cu larl y n as ty abo ut b ei ng a r el ic o f b ar bari sm . M an i s a r el ic o f

barbarism. Civilisation is a relic of barbarism.

B ut t or tu re i s no t a r el ic o f b ar ba ri sm a t a ll . I n a ct ua li ty i t i s s im pl y a r el ic of s in ; b ut i n c om pa ra ti ve

h is tor y i t m ay w el l b e c al le d a r el ic o f c iv il is at io n. I t h as a lw ay s b ee n m os t a rt is ti c a nd e la bo ra te w he n

every th in g els e w as m os t art is ti c and elabo rate. T hu s i t w as d et ai led exq ui si te i n t he l at e R om an E mp ir e,

i n t he com pl ex and g or geou s s ix teen th cen tu ry , i n t he cen tr al is ed F rench m on ar ch y a h un dr ed y ears

before the Revolution, and in the great Chinese civilisation to this day. This is, first and last, the frightfult hi ng w e m us t r em em be r. I n s o f ar a s w e g ro w i ns tr uc te d a nd r ef in ed w e a re n ot ( in a ny s en se w ha te ve r)

n at ur al ly m ov in g a wa y f ro m t or tur e. W e m ay b e m ov in g t ow ar ds t or tur e. W e m us t k no w w ha t w e a re

d oi ng , i f w e are t o avo id t he eno rm ou s s ecret cru el ty w hi ch h as cro wn ed every h is to ri c civ il is at io n.

T he t rain m ov es m or e s wi ft ly t hr ou gh t he s un ny E ng li sh f ield s. T hey h av e t ak en t he p ri so ners away, and I

d o n ot k no w w ha t t he y h av e d on e w it h t he m.

X XX II I. T he P re hi st or ic R ai lw ay S ta ti on

A r ai lw ay s ta ti on i s a n a dm ir ab le p la ce , a lt ho ug h R us ki n d id n ot t hi nk s o; h e d id n ot t hi nk s o b ec au se h e

h im se lf w as e ve n m or e m ode rn t ha n t he r ai lw ay s ta ti on . H e d id n ot t hi nk s o be ca us e he w as hi ms el f


P a g e 6 1




f ev er is h, i rr it ab le, and s no rt in g l ik e an eng in e. H e cou ld n ot v al ue t he ancient s il en ce o f t he r ai lw ay s tati on .

“ In a r ai lw ay s ta ti on ,” h e s ai d, “ yo u a re i n a h ur ry , a nd t he re fo re , m is er ab le ”; b ut y ou n ee d n ot b e e it he r

u nl es s y ou a re a s m od er n a s R us ki n. T he t ru e ph il os oph er do es no t t hi nk of c om in g j us t i n t im e f or h is

train exce pt as a bet or a joke.

The onl y w ay of c at chi ng a t ra in I ha ve e ve r di sc ove re d i s t o be l at e f or t he one be for e. D o t hi s, a nd y ouw il l f in d i n a r ai lw ay s ta ti on m uc h of t he q ui et ude a nd c ons ol at io n o f a c at he dr al . I t h as m an y of t he

charact er is ti cs o f a g reat ecclesi as ti cal b ui ld in g; i t h as v as t arches, v oi d s paces, col ou red l ig ht s, and ,

a bo ve a ll , i t h as r ec ur re nc e o r r it ua l. I t i s d ed ic at ed t o t he c el eb ra ti on o f w at er a nd f ir e t he t wo p ri me

element s o f all h um an cer em on ial. L as tl y, a s tati on r es em bl es t he o ld r el ig io ns r at her t han t he n ew

r el ig io ns i n t hi s p oi nt , t hat p eo pl e g o t here. I n con nect io n w it h t hi s i t s ho ul d als o b e r em em bered t hat all

popular places, all sites, actually used by the people, tend to retain the best routine of antiquity very much

m or e t han any l ocal it ies o r m achi nes u sed b y any p ri vi leged class . T hi ng s are n ot alt er ed s o q ui ck ly o r

com pl et el y b y com mo n p eo pl e as t hey are b y f as hi on ab le p eo pl e. R us ki n cou ld h av e f ou nd m or e

m em or ies o f t he M id dl e A ges i n t he U nd er gr ou nd R ai lw ay t han i n t he g rand h ot el s o ut si de t he s tati on s.

T he g reat p al aces o f p leas ur e w hi ch t he r ich b ui ld i n L on do n all h av e b razen and v ul gar n am es . T heir n am es are eit her s no bb is h, l ik e t he H ot el C ecil , o r ( wo rs e s ti ll ) cos mo po li tan l ik e t he H ot el M et ro po le.

B ut w he n I g o i n a t hi rd -c la ss c ar ri ag e f ro m t he n ea re st c ir cl e s ta ti on t o B at te rs ea t o t he n ea re st c ir cl e

s ta ti on t o t he D AI LY N EW S, t he n am es of t he s ta ti on s a re o ne l on g l it an y o f s ol em n a nd s ai nt ly

m em or ie s. L ea vi ng V ic to ri a I c om e t o a p ar k b el on gi ng e sp ec ia ll y t o S t. J am es t he A po st le ; t he nc e I g o

t o W es tm in st er B ri dg e, w ho se v er y n am e all ud es t o t he awf ul A bb ey ; C hari ng C ro ss h ol ds u p t he s ym bo l

o f C hr is tend om ; t he n ex t s tati on i s cal led a T em pl e; and B lack fr iars r em em bers t he m ed iaev al d ream o f a

Brotherhood.

I f y ou w is h t o f in d t he p as t p re se rv ed , f ol lo w t he m il li on f ee t o f t he c ro wd . A t t he w or st t he u ne du ca te d

o nl y w ea r d ow n o ld t hi ng s b y s he er w al ki ng . B ut t he e du ca te d k ic k t he m d ow n o ut o f s he er c ul tu re .

I f ee l a ll t hi s p ro fo un dl y a s I w an de r a bo ut t he e mp ty r ai lw ay s ta ti on , w he re I h av e n o b us in es s o f a ny

k in d. I h av e ext ract ed a v as t n um ber o f cho co lates f ro m aut om at ic m achi nes ; I h av e o bt ai ned cig ar et tes,

t of fee, s cent , and o th er t hi ng s t hat I d is li ke b y t he s am e m achi nery ; I h av e w ei gh ed m ys el f, w it h s ub li me

r es ul ts ; and t hi s s en se, n ot o nl y o f t he h ealt hi ness o f p op ul ar t hi ng s, b ut o f t heir ess en ti al ant iq ui ty and

permanence, is still in possession of my mind. I wander up to the bookstall, and my faith survives even

t he w il d s pect acle o f m od er n l it er at ur e and j ou rn al is m. E ven i n t he cru dest and m os t clamo ro us asp ects

of t he n ew spa pe r wo rl d I s ti ll p re fe r t he po pu la r t o t he p ro ud a nd f as ti di ous . I f I h ad t o c ho os e be twe en

t ak in g i n t he D AI LY M AI L a nd t ak in g i n t he TI ME S ( th e d il em ma r em in ds o ne of a n ig ht ma re ), I s hou ld

c er ta in ly c ry o ut w it h t he w hol e of m y b ei ng f or t he D AI LY M AI L. E ve n m er e b ig ne ss p re ac he d i n a

f ri vo lo us w ay i s n ot s o i rr it at in g a s m er e m ea nn es s p re ac he d i n a b ig a nd s ol em n w ay . P eo pl e b uy t heD AI LY M AI L, b ut t he y d o n ot b el ie ve i n i t. T he y d o b el ie ve i n t he T IM ES , a nd ( ap pa re nt ly ) t he y d o n ot

buy it. But the more the output of paper upon the modern world is actually studied, the more it will be

f oun d t o b e i n a ll i ts e ss en ti al s a nc ie nt a nd h um an , l ik e t he na me o f C ha ri ng C ro ss . L in ge r f or t wo o r t hr ee

h ou rs a t a s ta ti on b oo ks ta ll ( as I a m d oi ng ), a nd y ou w il l f in d t ha t i t gr ad ua ll y t ak es o n t he g ra nd eu r a nd

historic allusiveness of the Vatican or Bodleian Library. The novelty is all superficial; the tradition is all

i nt er ior a nd p ro fo un d. T he D AI LY M AI L h as n ew e di ti on s, b ut n eve r a n ew i de a. E ve ry th in g i n a

n ew sp ap er t ha t i s n ot t he o ld h um an l ov e o f a lt ar o r f at he rl an d i s t he o ld h um an l ov e o f g os si p. M od er n

w ri ters h av e o ft en m ad e g am e o f t he o ld chr on icles b ecau se t hey chi ef ly r ecor d accid en ts and p ro di gi es ;

a c hur ch s tr uc k by l ig ht ni ng , o r a c al f w it h s ix l eg s. T he y d o n ot s ee m t o r ea li se t ha t t hi s o ld b ar ba ri c

h is to ry i s t he s am e a s n ew d em oc ra ti c j ou rn al is m. I t i s n ot t ha t t he s av ag e c hr on ic le h as d is ap pe ar ed . I t i s

m er el y t hat t he s av ag e chr on icle n ow app ears every m or ni ng .

A s I m ov ed t hu s m il dl y a nd v agu el y i n f ron t of t he b oo ks ta ll , m y e ye c au ght a s ud de n a nd s ca rl et t it le


P a g e 6 2




t ha t f or t he m om ent s ta gge re d m e. O n t he out si de o f a b ook I s aw wr it te n i n l ar ge l et te rs , “ Ge t O n o r Ge t

Ou t.” The t it le of t he book r ec al le d t o m e wi th a s udde n r ev ol t a nd r ea ct io n a ll t ha t doe s s ee m

u nq uest io nabl y n ew and n as ty ; i t r em in ded m e t hat t here w as i n t he w or ld o f t o- day t hat u tt er ly i di ot ic

t hi ng , a w or sh ip o f s uccess ; a t hi ng t hat o nl y m eans s ur pass in g any bo dy i n any th in g; a t hi ng t hat m ay

m ean b ei ng t he m os t s uccess fu l p er so n i n r un ni ng away f ro m a b at tl e; a t hi ng t hat m ay m ean b ei ng t he

m os t s uc ce ss fu ll y s le ep y o f t he w ho le r ow o f s le ep in g m en . W he n I s aw t ho se w or ds t he s il en ce a nd

s an ct it y o f t he r ai lw ay s ta ti on w er e f or t he m om en t s ha do we d. H er e, I t ho ug ht , t he re i s a t a ny r at esomething anarchic and violent and vile. This title, at any rate, means the most disgusting individualism of

t hi s i nd iv id uali st ic w or ld . I n t he f ur y o f m y b it tern es s and p as si on I act uall y b ou gh t t he b oo k, t hereby

e ns ur ing t ha t m y e ne my w ou ld g et s om e o f m y m on ey. I o pe ne d i t p re pa re d t o f in d s om e b ru ta li ty , s om e

blasphemy, which would really be an exception to the general silence and sanctity of the railway station. I

w as p re pa re d t o f in d s om et hi ng i n t he b oo k t ha t w as a s i nf am ou s a s i ts t it le .

I w as d is ap po in ted. T here w as n ot hi ng at all cor resp on di ng t o t he f ur io us d ecis iv en es s o f t he r em ar ks o n

t he c ove r. A ft er r ea di ng i t c ar ef ul ly I c ou ld no t di sc ove r w he the r I w as r ea ll y t o ge t o n or t o g et ou t; but I

h ad a v ag ue f ee li ng t ha t I s ho ul d p re fe r t o g et o ut . A c on si de ra bl e p ar t o f t he b oo k, p ar ti cu la rl y t ow ar ds

t he end , w as con cern ed w it h a d et ai led d es cr ip ti on o f t he l if e o f N ap ol eo n B on ap ar te. U nd ou bt ed ly Napoleon got on. He also got out. But I could not discover in any way how the details of his life given

h er e w er e s up po se d t o h el p a p er so n a im in g a t s uc ce ss . O ne a ne cd ot e d es cr ib ed h ow N ap ol eo n a lw ay s

w ip ed h is p en o n h is k ne e- br ee ch es . I s up po se t he m or al i s: a lw ay s w ip e y ou r p en o n y ou r

k ne e- br ee ch es , a nd y ou w il l w in t he b at tl e o f W ag ra m. A no th er s to ry t ol d t ha t h e l et l oo se a g az el le

amo ng t he l ad ies o f h is C ou rt . C lear ly t he b ru tal p ract ical i nf er en ce i s— lo os e a g azel le amo ng t he l ad ies

of your a cqua int an ce , a nd y ou w il l be Em pe ror of t he Fr enc h. G et o n wi th a ga ze ll e or ge t out . The boo k

e nt ir el y r ec on ci le d m e t o t he s of t t wi li gh t of t he s ta ti on . T he n I s ud de nl y s aw t ha t t he re w as a s ym bo li c

d iv is io n w hi ch m ig ht b e p ar al leled f ro m b io lo gy . B rave m en are v er tebr at es ; t hey h av e t heir s of tn es s o n

t he s ur face and t heir t ou gh ness i n t he m id dl e. B ut t hese m od er n cow ar ds are all cru st aceans ; t heir

h ar dn es s i s all o n t he cov er and t heir s of tn es s i s i ns id e. B ut t he s of tn es s i s t here; every th in g i n t hi s t wi li gh t

t em pl e i s s of t.

X XX IV . T he D ia bo li st

E very n ow and t hen I h av e i nt ro du ced i nt o m y ess ay s an element o f t ru th . T hi ng s t hat r eall y h ap pened

h av e b ee n m en ti on ed , s uc h a s m ee ti ng P re si de nt K ru ge r o r b ei ng t hr ow n o ut o f a c ab . W ha t I h av e n ow

t o r el at e r ea ll y h ap pe ne d; y et t he re w as n o e le me nt i n i t o f p ra ct ic al p ol it ic s o r o f p er so na l d an ge r. I t w as

s im pl y a q ui et con vers at io n w hi ch I h ad w it h ano th er m an . B ut t hat q ui et con vers at io n w as b y f ar t he

mos t t err ibl e th in g t ha t ha s e ve r ha ppe ne d t o me i n my l if e. I t ha ppe ne d s o lo ng a go th at I c annot be

c er ta in o f t he e xa ct w or ds o f t he d ia lo gu e, o nl y o f i ts m ai n q ue st io ns a nd a ns we rs ; b ut t he re i s o nes en te nc e i n i t f or whi ch I c an a ns we r a bs ol ut el y a nd wo rd f or wor d. I t wa s a s ent enc e s o a wf ul t ha t I

c oul d n ot f or ge t i t i f I w oul d. I t w as t he l as t s ent enc e s pok en ; a nd i t w as no t s po ke n t o me .

T he t hi ng be fe ll m e i n t he d ays w he n I wa s a t a n a rt s ch oo l. A n a rt s ch oo l i s d if fe re nt f ro m a lm os t a ll

o th er s ch oo ls o r c ol le ge s i n t hi s r es pe ct : t ha t, b ei ng o f ne w a nd c ru de c re at io n a nd o f l ax d is ci pl in e, i t

presents a specially strong contrast between the industrious and the idle. People at an art school either do

a n a tr oc io us a mo un t o f w or k o r d o n o w or k a t a ll . I b el on ge d, a lo ng w it h o th er c ha rm in g p eo pl e, t o t he

l at te r c la ss ; a nd t hi s t hr ew m e o ft en i nt o t he s oc ie ty o f m en w ho w er e v er y d if fe re nt f ro m m ys el f, a nd w ho

w er e i dl e f or r ea so ns v er y d if fe re nt f ro m m in e. I w as i dl e b ec au se I w as v er y m uc h o cc up ie d; I w as

eng ag ed abo ut t hat t im e i n d is co veri ng , t o m y o wn ext reme and l as ti ng ast on is hm en t, t hat I w as n ot ana th ei st . B ut t he re w er e o th er s a ls o a t l oo se e nd s w ho w er e e ng ag ed i n d is co ve ri ng w ha t C ar ly le c al le d ( I

t hi nk w it h n eedl es s d el icacy) t he f act t hat g in ger i s h ot i n t he m ou th .


P a g e 6 3




I v al ue t ha t t im e, i n s ho rt , b ec au se i t m ad e m e a cq ua in te d w it h a g oo d r ep re se nt at iv e n um be r o f

blackguards. In this connection there are two very curious things which the critic of human life may

o bs er ve . T he f ir st i s t he f ac t t ha t t he re i s o ne r ea l d if fe re nc e b et we en m en a nd w om en ; t ha t w om en p re fe r

t o t al k i n tw os , w hi le me n pr ef er t o ta lk in t hr ee s. The s ec ond i s t ha t w he n you f ind (a s you of te n do )

t hr ee y ou ng cad s and i di ot s g oi ng abo ut t og et her and g et ti ng d ru nk t og et her every d ay y ou g en er al ly f in d

t ha t on e of t he t hr ee c ad s a nd i di ot s i s ( for s om e e xt ra or di na ry r ea so n) n ot a c ad a nd no t a n i di ot . I nt hese s mall g ro up s d ev ot ed t o a d ri vell in g d is si pati on t here i s alm os t alw ay s o ne m an w ho s eems t o h av e

con descen ded t o h is com pany ; o ne m an w ho , w hi le h e can t al k a f ou l t ri vi al it y w it h h is f el lo ws , can als o

t al k p ol it ics w it h a S ociali st , o r p hi lo so ph y w it h a C at ho li c.

I t w as j us t s uc h a m an wh om I c am e t o know w el l. I t w as s tr an ge , p er ha ps , t ha t he l ik ed hi s di rt y,

d ru nk en s oc ie ty ; i t w as s tr an ge r s ti ll , p er ha ps , t ha t h e l ik ed m y s oc ie ty . F or h ou rs o f t he d ay h e w ou ld

t al k w it h m e a bou t M il to n o r G ot hi c a rc hi te ct ur e; f or h ou rs o f t he ni gh t he w ou ld g o w he re I h ave n o w is h

t o f ol low hi m, e ve n i n s pe cu la ti on . H e w as a m an w it h a l on g, i ro ni ca l f ac e, a nd c lo se a nd r ed h ai r; h e

w as by c la ss a ge nt le ma n, a nd c ou ld wa lk l ik e one , bu t p re fe rr ed , f or s om e r ea so n, t o wa lk l ike a g room

c ar ry in g t wo p ai ls . H e l oo ke d l ik e a s or t o f S up er -j oc ke y; a s i f s om e a rc ha ng el h ad g on e o n t he T ur f.A nd I s ha ll ne ve r f or ge t t he h al f- hou r i n w hi ch h e a nd I a rg ue d a bo ut r ea l t hi ng s f or t he f ir st a nd t he l as t

time.

. . . . .

A lo ng t he f ro nt o f t he b ig b ui ld in g o f w hi ch o ur s ch oo l w as a p ar t r an a h ug e s lo pe of s to ne s te ps , h ig he r,

I t hi nk, t ha n t hos e t ha t l ea d u p t o St . Pa ul 's C at he dr al . O n a b la ck w in tr y e ve ni ng he a nd I w er e

w an de ri ng o n t he se c ol d h ei gh ts , w hi ch s ee me d a s d re ar y a s a p yr am id u nd er t he s ta rs . T he o ne t hi ng

v is ib le b el ow u s i n t he b la ck ne ss w as a b ur ni ng a nd b lo wi ng f ir e; f or s om e g ar de ne r ( I s up po se ) w as

burning something in the grounds, and from time to time the red sparks went whirling past us like a swarm

of s ca rl et i ns ec ts i n t he da rk . Above us a ls o i t wa s gl oom ; but i f one s ta re d l ong e nough a t t ha t upp er d ar kn es s, o ne s aw v er ti ca l s tr ip es o f g re y i n t he b la ck a nd t he n b ec am e c on sc io us o f t he c ol os sa l f ac ad e

o f t he D or ic b ui ld in g, p hant as mal, y et f il li ng t he s ky , as i f H eaven w er e s ti ll f il led w it h t he g ig an ti c g ho st o f

Paganism.

. . . . .

T he m an a sk ed m e a br up tl y w hy I w as b ec om in g o rt ho do x. U nt il h e s ai d i t, I r ea ll y h ad n ot k no wn t ha t I

wa s; b ut t he mo me nt he ha d s ai d i t I kn ew i t t o b e l it er al ly t ru e. An d t he p roc es s h ad be en s o l ong a nd

f ul l t hat I ans wered h im at o nce o ut o f exi st in g s to res o f exp lanati on .

“I am b ecom in g o rt ho do x, ” I s ai d, “becaus e I h av e com e, r ig ht ly o r w ro ng ly , aft er s tr et ch in g m y b rain t il l

i t b ur st s, t o t he o ld b el ie f t ha t h er es y i s w or se e ve n t ha n s in . A n e rr or i s m or e m en ac in g t ha n a c ri me , f or

a n e rr or b eg et s c ri me s. A n I mp er ia li st i s w or se t ha n a p ir at e. F or a n I mp er ia li st k ee ps a s ch oo l f or

pirates; he teaches piracy disinterestedly and without an adequate salary. A Free Lover is worse than a

profligate. For a profligate is serious and reckless even in his shortest love; while a Free Lover is cautious

and i rr es po ns ib le even i n h is l on gest d ev ot io n. I h at e m od er n d ou bt b ecau se i t i s d an gero us .”

“Yo u m ean d an gero us t o m or al it y, ” h e s ai d i n a v oi ce o f w on derf ul g en tl en es s. “I exp ect y ou are r ig ht .

B ut w hy d o y ou car e abo ut m or al it y?”

I gl anc ed a t hi s f ac e qui ck ly. He h ad t hr us t ou t hi s ne ck a s he ha d a t ri ck of doi ng; a nd s o br ought hi s

f ace abr up tl y i nt o t he l ig ht o f t he b on fi re f ro m b el ow , l ik e a f ace i n t he f oo tl ig ht s. H is l on g chi n and h ig h

cheek -b on es w er e l it u p i nf er nall y f ro m u nd er neat h; s o t hat h e l oo ked l ik e a f iend s tari ng d ow n i nt o t he


P a g e 6 4




f la mi ng p it . I h ad a n u nm ea ni ng s en se o f b ei ng t em pt ed i n a w il de rn es s; a nd e ve n a s I p au se d a b ur st o f

r ed s pa rk s b ro ke p as t.

“Ar en' t t ho se s par ks s pl en di d?” I s aid .

“Yes, ” h e r ep li ed .

“ Tha t i s a ll t ha t I a sk you t o a dmi t,” s ai d I . “ Gi ve m e t hos e f ew r ed s pe cks a nd I wi ll de duc e C hr is ti an

m or al it y. O nc e I t ho ug ht l ik e y ou , t ha t o ne 's p le as ur e i n a f ly in g s pa rk w as a t hi ng t ha t c oul d c om e a nd g o

w it h t ha t s pa rk . On ce I t hou ght t ha t t he de li gh t w as a s f re e a s t he f ir e. On ce I t hou ght t ha t r ed s ta r w e

s ee w as a lone i n s pa ce . B ut now I kn ow t ha t t he r ed s ta r i s on ly on t he a pe x of a n i nvi si bl e py ra mi d of

v ir tu es . T ha t r ed f ir e i s o nl y t he f lo we r o n a s ta lk o f l ivi ng h ab it s, w hi ch y ou c an not s ee . O nl y b ec au se

yo ur m ot he r m ade yo u s ay ' Tha nk y ou ' f or a bu n a re yo u no w a bl e t o t ha nk N at ur e o r c ha os f or t hos e

r ed s ta rs o f a n i ns ta nt o r f or t he w hi te s ta rs o f a ll t im e. O nl y b ec au se y ou w er e h um bl e b ef or e f ir ew or ks

o n t he f if th o f N ov em be r d o y ou n ow e nj oy a ny f ir ew or ks t ha t y ou c ha nc e t o s ee . Y ou o nl y l ik e t he m

being red because you were told about the blood of the martyrs; you only like them being bright because

brightness is a glory. That flame flowered out of virtues, and it will fade with virtues. Seduce a woman,a nd t ha t s pa rk wi ll be l es s br ig ht . Sh ed b lood , a nd t ha t s pa rk w il l be l es s r ed. B e r ea ll y ba d, a nd t he y wi ll

be to you like the spots on a wall-paper.”

H e h ad a h or ri bl e f ai rn es s o f t he i nt el le ct t ha t m ad e m e d es pa ir o f hi s s ou l. A c om mo n, h ar ml es s a th ei st

w ou ld h av e d en ied t hat r el ig io n p ro du ced h um il it y o r h um il it y a s im pl e j oy : b ut h e adm it ted b ot h. H e o nl y

s ai d, “But sha ll I not f ind i n e vil a li fe of i ts own? Gr ant ed t ha t f or e ver y woma n I r uin one of those r ed

s pa rk s w il l go ou t: w il l n ot t he e xpa ndi ng p le as ur e o f r ui n . . . ”

“ Do you s ee t ha t f ire ?” I a ske d. “ If we ha d a r ea l fi ght ing de moc ra cy, som e one woul d burn you i n i t;

l ik e t he d ev il -w or sh ip per t hat y ou are.”

“ Pe rha ps ,” h e s ai d, i n hi s t ir ed , f ai r w ay. “ On ly w ha t y ou c al l e vi l I c al l g ood .”

He we nt do wn t he gr ea t s te ps a lo ne , a nd I f el t a s i f I w ant ed t he s te ps s we pt a nd c le ane d. I f ol lo we d

l at er , a nd a s I we nt t o f ind m y ha t i n t he l ow , da rk pa ss age w he re i t hu ng, I s udde nl y he ar d hi s v oi ce

a ga in , b ut t he w or ds w er e i na ud ib le . I s to pp ed , s ta rt le d: t he n I h ea rd t he v oi ce o f o ne o f t he v il es t o f h is

a ss oc ia te s s ay in g, “ No bo dy c an p os si bl y k no w. ” A nd t he n I h ea rd t ho se t wo o r t hr ee w or ds w hi ch I

r em em ber i n every s yl labl e and can no t f or get. I h eard t he D iabo li st s ay , “I t el l y ou I h av e d on e every th in g

e ls e. I f I d o t ha t I s ha n' t k no w t he d if fe re nc e b et we en r ig ht a nd w ro ng .” I r us he d o ut w it ho ut d ar in g t o

pause; and as I passed the fire I did not know whether it was hell or the furious love of God.

I h ave s in ce h ea rd t ha t h e d ie d: i t m ay b e s ai d, I t hi nk , t ha t h e c om mi tt ed s ui ci de ; t ho ug h h e d id i t w it h

t ool s of pl ea sur e, not wi th t oo ls o f pa in. God he lp h im, I know t he r oa d h e w ent ; but I ha ve n eve r

k no wn , o r e ve n da re d t o t hi nk , w ha t w as t ha t p la ce a t wh ic h h e s top pe d a nd r ef ra in ed .

XXXV. A Glimpse of My Country

Whatever is it that we are all looking for? I fancy that it is really quite close . When I was a boy I had a

f an cy t ha t H ea ve n o r F ai ry la nd o r w ha te ve r I c al le d i t, w as i mm ed ia te ly b eh ind m y o wn b ac k, a nd t ha t

t hi s w as wh y I c oul d ne ve r ma na ge t o s ee i t, ho we ve r of te n I t wi st ed a nd t ur ne d t o t ake i t by s ur pr is e. Ih ad a n ot ion o f a m an pe rpe tua ll y s pi nni ng r ou nd o n on e f oo t l ike a t ee to tum i n t he e ff or t t o f in d t ha t

w or ld b eh in d h is b ack w hi ch con ti nu al ly f led f ro m h im . P er haps t hi s i s w hy t he w or ld g oes r ou nd .


P a g e 6 5




P er ha ps t he w or ld i s a lw ay s t ry in g t o l oo k o ve r i ts s ho ul de r a nd c at ch u p t he w or ld w hi ch a lw ay s

escap es i t, y et w it ho ut w hi ch i t can no t b e i ts el f.

I n a ny ca se , a s I ha ve s ai d, I t hi nk t ha t we m ust al wa ys conc ei ve of t ha t whi ch i s t he goa l of a ll our

e nd ea vo ur s a s s om et hi ng w hi ch i s i n s om e s tr an ge w ay n ea r. S ci en ce b oa st s o f t he d is ta nc e o f i ts s ta rs ;

o f t he t er ri fi c r em ot ene ss o f t he t hi ng s o f w hi ch i t h as t o s pe ak. B ut p oe tr y a nd r el igi on a lw ay s i ns is t up on

t he p ro xi mi ty , t he alm os t m en acin g clo seness o f t he t hi ng s w it h w hi ch t hey are con cern ed . A lw ay s t heK in gd om o f H eaven i s “At H an d”; and L oo ki ng -g lass L an d i s o nl y t hr ou gh t he l oo ki ng -g lass . S o I f or

one s hould ne ve r be a st oni shed if t he ne xt twi st of a s tr ee t l ed m e to the he ar t of t ha t ma ze i n whic h a ll t he

m ys ti cs a re l os t. I s ho ul d no t b e a t a ll s ur pr is ed i f I t ur ne d o ne c or ne r i n F le et St re et a nd s aw a ye t

q ueer er -l oo ki ng l am p; I s ho ul d n ot b e s ur pr is ed i f I t ur ned a t hi rd cor ner and f ou nd m ys el f i n E lf land .

I s houl d n ot be s ur pr is ed a t t hi s; but I wa s s ur pr is ed t he ot he r da y a t s ome thi ng m or e s ur pr is ing. I t ook a

t ur n o ut o f F leet S tr eet and f ou nd m ys el f i n E ng land .

. . . . .

T he s in gu lar s ho ck exp er ienced p er haps r equ ir es exp lanati on . I n t he d ar kes t o r t he m os t i nadequ at e

m om en ts o f E ng la nd t he re i s o ne t hi ng t ha t s ho ul d a lw ay s b e r em em be re d a bo ut t he v er y n at ur e o f o ur

c ount ry. I t m ay be s hor tl y s ta ted by s ayi ng t ha t Engl and is not s uc h a f ool a s i t l ooks . The t ype s of

England, the externals of England, always misrepresent the country. England is an oligarchical country,

and i t p refers t hat i ts o li garchy s ho ul d b e i nf er io r t o i ts el f.

T he s pe ak in g i n t he H ou se o f C om mo ns , f or i ns ta nc e, i s n ot o nl y w or se t ha n t he s pe ak in g w as , i t i s

w or se t ha n t he s pe ak in g i s, i n a ll or a lm os t a ll o th er p la ce s i n s ma ll de ba ti ng c lub s o r c as ua l d in ne rs . O ur

cou nt ry men p ro babl y p refer t hi s s ol em n f ut il it y i n t he h ig her p laces o f t he n at io nal l if e. I t m ay b e a s tr an ge

s ig ht t o s ee t he b li nd l eadi ng t he b li nd ; b ut E ng land p ro vi des a s tr an ger. E ng land s ho ws u s t he b li nd

l ea di ng t he p eo pl e w ho c an s ee . A nd t hi s a ga in i s a n u nd er -s ta te me nt o f t he c as e. F or t he E ng li sh p ol it ic ala ri st oc ra ts n ot o nl y s pe ak w or se t ha n m an y o th er p eo pl e; t he y s pe ak w or se t ha n t he ms el ve s. T he

i gn or an ce o f s tatesm en i s l ik e t he i gn or an ce o f j ud ges, an art if icial and aff ected t hi ng . I f y ou h av e t he

g oo d f or tu ne r eall y t o t al k w it h a s tatesm an , y ou w il l b e con st an tl y s tart led w it h h is s ay in g q ui te i nt el li gent

t hi ng s. I t m ak es o ne n er vou s a t f ir st . A nd I h av e ne ve r be en s uf fi ci en tl y i nt im at e w it h s uc h a m an t o a sk

hi m w hy i t wa s a r ul e of h is l if e i n Pa rl ia me nt t o a pp ea r s il li er t ha n he w as .

I t i s t he s am e w it h t he v ot er s. Th e a ve ra ge m an v ot es b el ow h im se lf ; h e vo te s w it h h al f a m ind o r w it h a

h un dr ed th p ar t o f o ne . A m an o ug ht t o v ot e w it h t he w ho le o f h im se lf a s h e w or sh ip s o r g et s m ar ri ed. A

ma n ought t o vot e wi th hi s he ad a nd he ar t, hi s s oul and s tom ac h, hi s e ye for f ac es a nd hi s e ar f or mus ic ;

a ls o ( whe n s uf fi ci ent ly pr ov oke d) w it h h is h and s a nd f ee t. I f h e h as e ve r s ee n a f in e s un se t, t he c ri ms onc ol ou r o f i t s ho ul d c re ep i nt o h is v ot e. I f h e h as e ve r h ea rd s pl en di d s on gs , t he y s ho ul d b e i n h is e ar s

w hen h e m ak es t he m ys ti cal cro ss . B ut as i t i s, t he d if fi cu lt y w it h E ng li sh d em ocracy at all elect io ns i s t hat

i t i s s om et hi ng l es s t han i ts el f. T he q uest io n i s n ot s o m uch w heth er o nl y a m in or it y o f t he elect or at e v ot es .

T he p oi nt i s t ha t o nl y a m ino ri ty o f t he vo te r vo te s.

. . . . .

T hi s i s t he t ra ge dy o f E ng la nd ; y ou c an no t j ud ge i t b y i ts f or em os t m en . I ts t yp es d o n ot t yp if y. A nd o n

t he o cc as ion o f w hi ch I s pe ak I f ou nd t hi s t o b e s o e sp ec ia ll y o f t ha t o ld i nt el li ge nt m idd le c la ss w hi ch I

h ad i ma gi ne d h ad a lm os t v ani sh ed f ro m t he w or ld. I t s ee me d t o m e t ha t a ll t he m ai n r ep re se nt at iv es of t he

m id dl e c la ss h ad g on e of f i n o ne d ir ec ti on or i n t he ot he r; t he y h ad e it he r s et o ut i n p ur su it o f t he S ma rt

S et or t he y ha d s et o ut i n p ur su it of t he S im pl e L if e. I c an not s ay w hi ch I d is li ke m or e m ys el f; t he pe op le

i n q ue st io n a re w el co me t o h av e e it he r o f t he m, o r, a s i s m or e l ik el y, t o h av e b ot h, i n h id eo us a lt er na ti ons


P a g e 6 6




o f d is ease and cur e. B ut all t he p ro mi nent m en w ho p lain ly r ep resent t he m id dl e class h av e ado pt ed eit her

t he s in gl e e ye -g la ss o f M r C ha mb er la in o r t he s in gl e e ye o f M r. B er na rd S ha w.

The ol d c la ss t ha t I m ea n ha s n o r epr es ent at ive . I ts f oo d wa s pl ent if ul ; bu t i t ha d n o s how . I ts f ood w as

plain; but it had no fads. It was serious about politics; and when it spoke in public it committed the

s ol ecis m o f t ry in g t o s peak w el l. I t ho ug ht t hat t hi s o ld ear nest p ol it ical E ng land h ad p ract ical ly

disa ppea red. And a s I sa y, I took one turn out of Fle et Str ee t and I f ound a room full of it.

. . . . .

A t t he t op of t he r oom wa s a c ha ir i n whi ch J ohns on ha d s at . The c lub wa s a c lub i n whi ch W il ke s ha d

s po ken, i n a t im e w hen even t he n e' er -d o- weel w as v ir il e. B ut all t hese t hi ng s b y t hems el ves m ig ht b e

m er el y archais m. T he ext raor di nary t hi ng w as t hat t hi s h al l h ad all t he h ub bu b, t he s in ceri ty , t he ang er , t he

o ra to ry o f t he e ig ht ee nt h c en tu ry . T he m em be rs o f t hi s c lu b w er e o f a ll s ha de s o f o pi ni on , y et t he re w as

n ot on e s pe ec h wh ic h ga ve m e t ha t j ar o f u nr ea li ty w hi ch I o ft en ha ve i n l is te ni ng t o t he a bl es t m en

u tt er in g m y o wn o pi ni on . T he T or yi sm o f t hi s clu b w as l ik e t he T or yi sm o f J oh ns on , a T or yi sm t hat cou ld

u se h um ou r a nd a pp ea le d t o h um an it y. T he d em oc ra cy o f t hi s c lu b w as l ik e t he d em oc ra cy o f W il ke s, ad em oc ra cy t ha t c an s pe ak e pi gr am s a nd f ig ht d ue ls ; a d em oc ra cy t ha t c an f ac e t hi ng s o ut a nd e nd ur e

s la nd er ; t he d em oc ra cy o f W il ke s, o r, r at he r, t he d em oc ra cy o f F ox .

O ne t hi ng esp eciall y f il led m y s ou l w it h t he s ou l o f m y f at hers . E ach m an s peak in g, w heth er h e s po ke

we ll or i ll, s poke a s we ll a s he c oul d f rom she er f ury a ga inst t he ot he r ma n. Thi s i s t he gr ea te st of our

m od er n d es ce nt s, t ha t n ow ad ay s a m an d oe s n ot b ec om e m or e r he to ri ca l a s h e b ec om es m or e s in ce re .

A n eig ht eent h- cent ur y s peak er , w hen h e g ot r eall y and h on es tl y f ur io us , l oo ked f or b ig w or ds w it h w hi ch

t o c ru sh h is a dv er sa ry . T he n ew s pe ak er l oo ks f or s ma ll w or ds t o c ru sh h im w it h. H e l oo ks f or l it tl e f ac ts

a nd l it tl e s ne er s. I n a m od er n s pe ec h t he r he to ri c i s p ut i nt o t he m er el y f or ma l p ar t, t he o pe ni ng t o w hi ch

n ob od y l is te ns . B ut w he n M r. C ha mb er la in , o r a M od er at e, o r o ne o f t he h ar de r k in d o f S oc ia li st s,

becomes really sincere, he becomes Cockney. “The destiny of the Empire,” or “The destiny of humanity,” do well enough for mere ornamental preliminaries, but when the man becomes angry and

hone st , t he n i t i s a s na rl , “ Whe re do we c ome i n? ” or “ It 's your m one y t he y w ant .”

The men in this eighteenth-century club were entirely different; they were quite eighteenth century. Each

o ne r os e t o h is f eet q ui veri ng w it h p as si on , and t ri ed t o d es tr oy h is o pp on en t, n ot w it h s ni gg er in g, b ut

a ct ua ll y w it h e lo qu enc e. I w as a rgu ing w it h t he m a bo ut H om e R ul e; a t t he e nd I t ol d t he m w hy t he

English aristocracy really disliked an Irish Parliament; because it would be like their club.

. . . . .

I c ame ou t a ga in i nt o Fl ee t St re et a t n ight , a nd b y a d im l am p I s aw pa st ed up s ome t awd ry non se ns e

abo ut W as tr el s and h ow L on do n w as r is in g again st s om et hi ng t hat L on do n h ad h ar dl y h eard o f. T hen I

s ud denl y s aw , as i n o ne o bv io us p ictu re, t hat t he m od er n w or ld i s an i mm en se and t um ul tu ou s o cean , f ul l

of mons tr ous a nd l ivi ng t hi ngs . And I s aw t ha t a cros s t he t op of it i s s pr ea d a t hi n, a ve ry t hin, s he et of

i ce, o f w icked w ealt h and o f l yi ng j ou rn al is m.

A nd a s I s to od t he re i n t he da rk ne ss I c oul d a lm os t f anc y t ha t I he ar d i t c ra ck .

X XX VI . A S om ew ha t I mp ro ba bl e S to ryI c an no t r em em be r w he th er t hi s t al e i s t ru e o r n ot . I f I r ea d i t t hr ou gh v er y c ar ef ul ly I h av e a s us pi ci on


P a g e 6 7




t ha t I s ho ul d c om e t o t he c on cl us io n t ha t i t i s n ot . B ut , u nf or tu na te ly , I c an no t r ea d i t t hr ou gh v er y

c ar ef ul ly , be ca us e, y ou s ee , i t i s n ot w ri tt en y et . T he i ma ge a nd t he i de a o f i t c lu ng t o m e t hr ou gh a g re at

part of my boyhood; I may have dreamt it before I could talk; or told it to myself before I could read; or

r ea d i t b ef or e I c oul d r eme mb er . O n t he w hol e, how ev er , I a m c er ta in t ha t I di d n ot r ea d i t, f or c hi ldr en

h ave v er y c le ar m em or ie s a bo ut t hi ng s l ik e t ha t; a nd o f t he bo ok s w hi ch I w as r ea ll y f on d I c an s ti ll

r em em be r, n ot o nl y t he s ha pe a nd b ul k a nd b in di ng , b ut e ve n t he p os it io n o f t he p ri nt ed w or ds o n m an y

of t he pa ge s. On t he w hol e, I i nc li ne t o t he o pi ni on t ha t i t ha ppe ne d t o me be for e I w as bo rn.

. . . . .

At any r ate , l et us t ell the st or y now wi th a ll t he a dva nt ages of t he a tmos phe re t ha t ha s c lun g t o i t. You

m ay s up po se m e, f or t he s ak e of a rgu me nt , s it ti ng a t l un ch i n o ne o f t ho se qu ic k- lu nc h r es ta ur an ts i n t he

C it y w he re m en t ak e t he ir f oo d s o f as t t ha t i t h as n on e o f t he q ua li ty o f f oo d, a nd t ak e t he ir h al f- ho ur 's

v ac at io n s o f as t t ha t i t h as n on e o f t he q ua li ti es o f l ei su re ; t o h ur ry t hr ou gh o ne 's l ei sur e i s t he m os t

u nb us ine ss -l ike of a ct io ns . Th ey a ll w or e t al l s hi ny h at s a s i f t he y c ou ld no t l os e a n i ns ta nt e ve n t o h an g

t he m on a pe g, a nd t he y a ll h ad one e ye a l it tl e of f, hypnot is ed by t he huge e ye of t he c loc k. In s hor t, the y

w er e t he s la ve s o f t he m od er n b on da ge , y ou c ou ld h ea r t he ir f et te rs c la nk in g. E ac h w as , i n f ac t, b ou nd by a chain; the heaviest chain ever tied to a man—it is called a watch-chain.

N ow , a mo ng t he se t he re e nt er ed a nd s at d ow n o pp os it e t o m e a m an w ho a lm os t i mm ed ia te ly o pe ne d

an u ni nt er ru pt ed m on ol og ue. H e w as l ik e all t he o th er m en i n d ress , y et h e w as s tart li ng ly o pp os it e t o

t hem in a ll ma nne r. He wor e a hi gh s hiny ha t and a l ong fr oc k c oa t, but he wore t he m a s suc h s ole mn

things were me ant to be worn; he wore the silk ha t as if it were a mitre, and the frock coat as i f it were

t he e phod of a hi gh pr ie st. He not onl y hu ng hi s ha t up on t he pe g, b ut he s ee me d ( suc h wa s hi s

s ta te li ne ss ) a lm os t t o a sk p er mi ss io n o f t he h at f or d oi ng s o, a nd t o a po lo gi se t o t he p eg f or m ak in g u se

of it . Whe n he ha d s at down on a woode n c ha ir w it h t he ai r of one cons ide ri ng i ts f ee li ngs a nd give n a

s or t o f s li ght s to op or bo w t o t he wo ode n t abl e i ts el f, a s i f i t we re a n a lt ar , I c oul d no t h el p s om e

com ment s pr in gi ng t o m y l ip s. F or t he m an w as a b ig , s an gu in e- faced, p ro sp er ou s- lo ok in g m an , and y eth e t reat ed every th in g w it h a car e t hat alm os t amo un ted t o n er vo us ness .

F or t he s ak e o f s ay in g s om et hi ng t o exp ress m y i nt er es t I s ai d, “Th is f ur ni tu re i s f ai rl y s ol id ; b ut , o f

c ou rs e, p eo pl e d o t re at i t m uc h t oo c ar el es sl y. ”

A s I l oo ke d u p d ou bt fu ll y m y e ye c au gh t h is , a nd w as f ix ed a s h is w as f ix ed i n a n a po ca ly pt ic s ta re . I

h ad t ho ug ht h im o rd in ar y a s h e e nt er ed , s av e f or h is s tr an ge , c au ti ou s m an ne r; b ut i f t he o th er p eo pl e h ad

s ee n h im t he n t he y w ou ld h av e s cr ea me d a nd e mp ti ed t he r oo m. T he y d id n ot s ee h im , a nd t he y w en t o n

m ak in g a c la tt er w it h t he ir f or ks , a nd a m ur mu r w it h t he ir c onv er sa ti on . B ut t he m an 's f ac e w as t he f ac e

o f a m an ia c.

“ Di d y ou m ea n a ny th in g p ar ti cu la r b y t ha t r em ar k? ” h e a sk ed a t l as t, a nd t he b lo od c ra wl ed b ac k s lo wl y

i nt o h is f ace.

“No th in g w hatever, ” I ans wered. “On e d oes n ot m ean any th in g h er e; i t s po il s p eo pl e' s d ig es ti on s. ”

He l im pe d ba ck a nd w ipe d hi s br oa d f or ehe ad w it h a bi g ha ndk er chi ef ; a nd y et t he re s ee me d t o b e a

s or t o f r egr et i n hi s r el ie f.

“ I t ho ug ht p er ha ps ,” h e s ai d i n a l ow v oi ce , “ th at a no th er o f t he m h ad g on e w ro ng .”

“ If yo u m ea n a no th er d ig es ti on g on e w ro ng ,” I s ai d, “ I n ev er h ea rd o f o ne h er e t ha t w en t r ig ht . T hi s i s

t he he ar t of t he E mpi re , a nd t he ot he r or ga ns a re i n a n e qua ll y ba d wa y. ”


P a g e 6 8




“ No , I m ea n a no th er s tr ee t g on e w ro ng ,” a nd h e s ai d h ea vi ly a nd q ui et ly , “ bu t a s I s up po se t ha t d oe sn 't

e xp la in m uc h t o y ou , I t hi nk I s ha ll h av e t o t el l yo u t he s to ry . I do s o w it h a ll t he l es s r es pon si bi li ty ,

because I know you won't believe it. For forty years of my life I invariably left my office, which is in

L eadenh al l S tr eet, at h al f- past f iv e i n t he aft er no on , t ak in g w it h m e an u mb rell a i n t he r ig ht h an d and a

bag in the left hand. For forty years two months and four days I passed out of the side office door,

w al ke d d ow n t he s tr ee t o n t he l ef t- ha nd s id e, t oo k t he f ir st t ur ni ng t o t he l ef t a nd t he t hi rd t o t he r ig ht ,f ro m w he re I b ou gh t a n e ve ni ng p ap er , f ol lo we d t he r oa d o n t he r ig ht -h an d s id e r ou nd t wo o bt us e

a ng le s, a nd c am e o ut j us t o ut si de a M et ro po li ta n s ta ti on , w he re I t oo k a t ra in h om e. F or f or ty y ea rs t wo

m on th s a nd f ou r d ay s I f ul fi ll ed t hi s c our se b y a cc um ul at ed h ab it : i t w as n ot a l on g s tr ee t t ha t I t ra ve rs ed ,

a nd i t t oo k m e a bou t f our a nd a ha lf mi nu te s t o do i t. A ft er f or ty ye ar s tw o m ont hs a nd f our d ays , on t he

fif th day I went out i n the same manner , with my umbre lla in the r ight ha nd a nd my ba g in t he le ft, and I

began to notice that walking along the familiar street tired me somewhat more than usual; and when I

t ur ne d i t I w as c on vi nc ed t ha t I ha d t ur ne d do wn t he wr on g o ne . F or n ow t he s tr ee t s ho t up qu it e a s te ep

s la nt , s uc h as one only s ee s in t he hil ly par ts of London, a nd in t hi s pa rt the re we re no hi ll s a t al l. Ye t it

wa s not t he w rong s tr ee t; t he n am e w ri tt en on i t wa s t he s am e; t he s hu tt er ed s hop s w er e t he s ame ; t he

l am p- po st s a nd t he w ho le l oo k o f t he p er sp ec ti ve w as t he s am e; o nl y i t w as t il te d u pw ar ds l ik e a l id .F or gett in g any t ro ub le abo ut b reat hl es sn es s o r f at ig ue I r an f ur io us ly f or ward , and r eached t he s econ d o f

m y accus to med t ur ni ng s, w hi ch o ug ht t o b ri ng m e alm os t w it hi n s ig ht o f t he s tati on . A nd as I t ur ned t hat

c or ne r I ne ar ly f el l on t he pa ve me nt . For now the s tre et w ent up s tr ai ght i n f ront of m y f ac e l ike a st ee p

s ta ir ca se or t he s id e o f a py ra mi d. Th er e wa s no t f or m il es r ou nd t ha t pl ac e s o muc h a s a s lo pe l ike t ha t

o f L ud ga te H il l. A nd t hi s w as a s lo pe l ik e t ha t o f t he M at te rh or n. T he w ho le s tr ee t h ad l if te d i ts el f l ik e a

s ing le w ave , a nd y et e ve ry s pe ck a nd de ta il of i t w as t he s ame , a nd I s aw i n t he hi gh di st anc e, a s a t t he

t op of a n A lpi ne pa ss , pi cke d o ut i n p ink l et te rs t he na me ov er my p ape r s hop .

“ I r an o n a nd on bl indl y no w, pa ss ing a ll t he s hops a nd c omi ng t o a p ar t of t he r oa d wh er e t he re w as a

l on g g re y r ow o f p ri va te h ou se s. I h ad, I k no w n ot w hy , a n i rr at io na l f ee li ng t ha t I w as a l on g i ro n b ri dg e

i n e mp ty s pa ce . A n i mp ul se s ei ze d m e, a nd I p ul le d u p t he i ro n t ra p o f a c oa l- ho le . L oo ki ng d ow nt hr ough i t I s aw e mpt y s pa ce a nd t he s ta ir s.

“ Wh en I l oo ke d u p a ga in a m an w as s ta ndi ng i n h is f ro nt g ar de n, h av ing a pp ar en tl y c om e o ut of h is

h ou se ; h e w as l ea ni ng ov er t he r ai li ng s a nd g az in g a t m e. W e w er e a ll a lo ne on t ha t n ig ht ma re r oa d; h is

f ac e w as i n s ha do w; h is d re ss w as d ar k a nd o rd in ar y; b ut w he n I s aw h im s ta nd in g s o p er fe ct ly s ti ll I

k ne w s om eh ow t ha t h e w as n ot o f t hi s w or ld . A nd t he s ta rs b eh in d h is h ea d w er e l ar ge r a nd f ie rc er t ha n

ou ght t o be e nd ur ed by t he e ye s o f me n.

“ 'I f yo u a re a ki nd a ng el ,' I s ai d, ' or a w is e de vi l, o r h av e a ny th in g i n c om mo n wi th m an ki nd , t el l m e w ha t

i s t hi s s tr ee t p os se ss ed o f d ev il s. '

“ Af te r a l on g s il enc e he s ai d, ' Wha t do you s ay t ha t i t i s? '

“ 'I t i s B um pt on S tr ee t, o f c ou rs e, ' I s na pp ed . ' It g oe s t o O ld ga te S ta ti on .'

“'Y es ,' h e adm it ted g ravely ; ' it g oes t here s om et im es . J us t n ow , h ow ev er , i t i s g oi ng t o h eaven. '

“ 'T o h ea ve n? ' I s ai d. ' Wh y? '

“ 'I t i s g oi ng t o h ea ve n f or j us ti ce ,' h e r ep li ed . ' Yo u m us t h av e t re at ed i t b ad ly . R em em be r a lw ay s t ha t

t he re i s o ne t hi ng t ha t c an no t be e nd ur ed b y a ny bo dy o r a ny th in g. T ha t o ne u ne nd ur ab le t hi ng i s t o b e

o ver wo rk ed and al so n eg lected. F or i ns t an ce, y ou can o ver wo rk w om en— ever yb od y d oes . B ut y ou

c an 't n eg le ct w om en —I d ef y y ou t o. A t t he s am e t im e, y ou c an n eg le ct t ra mp s a nd g yp si es a nd a ll t he


P a g e 6 9




a ppa re nt r ef us e o f t he S ta te s o l on g a s yo u d o n ot o ve rw or k i t. B ut n o b ea st of t he f ie ld, n o ho rs e, no

dog can e ndure long to be asked to do more than hi s work and yet have le ss than hi s honour . It is the

s am e w it h s tr ee ts . Y ou h av e w or ke d t hi s s tr ee t t o d ea th , a nd y et y ou h av e n ev er r em em be re d i ts

exi st en ce. I f y ou h ad a h ealt hy d em ocracy , even o f p ag an s, t hey w ou ld h av e h un g t hi s s tr eet w it h

g ar la nd s a nd g iv en i t t he n am e o f a g od . T he n i t w ou ld h av e g on e qu ie tl y. B ut a t l as t t he s tr ee t h as g ro wn

t ir ed o f y ou r t ir el es s i ns ol en ce ; a nd i t i s b uc ki ng a nd r ea ri ng i ts h ea d t o h ea ve n. H av e y ou n ev er s at o n a

bucking horse?'

“ I l oo ke d a t t he l ong gr ey s tr ee t, a nd f or a mo me nt i t s ee me d t o me t o be e xa ct ly l ike t he l ong gr ey ne ck

o f a h or se f lu ng up t o h ea ve n. B ut i n a m om en t m y s an it y r et ur ne d, a nd I s ai d, ' Bu t t hi s i s a ll n ons en se .

Stre et s go to the plac e t he y have to go. A s tre et must alwa ys go to i ts e nd.'

“ 'W hy d o y ou t hi nk s o o f a s tr ee t? ' h e a sk ed , s ta nd in g v er y s ti ll .

“ 'B ec au se I h av e a lw ay s s ee n i t d o t he s am e t hi ng ,' I r ep li ed , i n r ea so na bl e a ng er . ' Da y a ft er d ay , y ea r

a ft er ye ar , i t ha s a lwa ys go ne t o O ld ga te S ta ti on ; da y a ft er . . . '

“ I s toppe d, f or he ha d f lung up his he ad w it h t he f ur y of t he r oa d in re vol t.

“ 'An d you ?' he c ri ed t er ri bl y. ' Wha t do yo u t hi nk t he r oa d t hi nks of you ? D oe s t he r oa d t hi nk you a re

a li ve ? A re you a li ve ? Da y a ft er da y, y ea r a ft er ye ar , yo u ha ve g one t o Ol dga te S ta ti on. . . . ' S inc e t he n I

have respected the things called inanimate.”

A nd b ow in g s li gh tl y t o t he m us tard -p ot , t he m an i n t he r es taur an t w it hd rew.

XXXVII. The Shop of GhostsN ea rl y a ll t he b es t a nd m os t p re ci ou s t hi ng s i n t he un iv er se y ou c an g et f or a h al fp en ny . I m ak e a n

e xc ep ti on , o f c ou rs e, o f t he s un , t he m oo n, t he e ar th , p eo pl e, s ta rs , t hu nd er st or ms , a nd s uc h t ri fl es . Y ou

c an g et t he m f or n ot hi ng . A ls o I m ak e a n e xc ept io n o f a not he r t hi ng, w hi ch I a m n ot a ll ow ed t o m en ti on

i n t hi s p ape r, a nd o f wh ic h t he l ow es t p ri ce i s a p en ny h al fp en ny . B ut t he g en er al p ri nc ip le w il l b e a t o nc e

a ppa re nt . I n t he s tr ee t be hi nd m e, f or i ns ta nc e, you c an no w ge t a r id e on a n e le ct ri c t ra m f or a

ha lf pe nny. To be on an e le ctr ic tr am i s t o be on a f lying c as tl e i n a f ai ry ta le . You c an ge t qui te a l ar ge

n um ber o f b ri gh tl y col ou red s weet s f or a h al fp en ny . A ls o y ou can g et t he chance o f r eadi ng t hi s art icle f or

a h al fp en ny ; alo ng , o f cou rs e, w it h o th er and i rr el ev an t m at ter.

B ut i f y ou w an t t o s ee w ha t a v as t a nd b ew il de ri ng a rr ay of v al ua bl e t hi ng s yo u c an g et a t a h al fpe nn ye ac h you s houl d do a s I wa s doi ng l ast night. I wa s gl uing my nos e aga ins t t he gl ass of a ve ry s mal l and

di ml y l it t oy s ho p i n one o f t he gr eye st a nd l ea ne st of t he s tr ee ts of B at te rs ea . But di m a s w as t ha t s qua re

of l ight , it w as fi ll ed ( as a c hi ld onc e s ai d t o me ) wi th a ll the c ol our s God e ve r ma de . Thos e t oys of t he

poor were like the children who buy them; they were all dirty; but they were all bright. For my part, I

t hi nk b ri gh tn es s m or e i mp or tant t han clean li ness ; s in ce t he f ir st i s o f t he s ou l, and t he s econ d o f t he b od y.

You mus t e xc us e m e; I a m a de moc ra t; I kn ow I a m o ut of f as hi on i n t he mode rn wor ld.

. . . . .

A s I l oo ke d a t t ha t p al ac e o f p ig my w on de rs , a t s ma ll g re en o mn ib us es , a t s ma ll b lu e e le ph an ts , a t s ma ll black dolls, and small red Noah's arks, I must have fallen into some sort of unnatural trance. That lit

s ho p- wi nd ow b ecam e l ik e t he b ri ll iant ly l it s tage w hen o ne i s w at ch in g s om e h ig hl y col ou red com ed y. I


P a g e 7 0




f or go t t he g re y h ou se s a nd t he g ri my p eo pl e b eh in d m e a s o ne f or ge ts t he d ar k g al le ri es a nd t he d im

c ro wd s a t a t he at re . I t s ee me d a s i f t he l it tl e obj ec ts b ehi nd t he g la ss we re s ma ll , not b ec au se t he y w er e

t oy s, b ut b ec au se t he y w er e o bj ec ts f ar a wa y. T he g re en o mn ib us w as r ea ll y a g re en o mn ib us , a g re en

B ay sw at er o mn ib us , p as si ng acr os s s om e h ug e d es er t o n i ts o rd in ar y w ay t o B ay sw at er . T he b lu e

e le ph an t w as n o l on ge r b lue w it h p ai nt ; h e w as b lue w it h d is ta nc e. T he b la ck d ol l w as r ea ll y a ne gr o

r el ieved again st p as si on at e t ro pi c f ol iage i n t he l an d w here every w eed i s f lami ng and o nl y m an i s b lack .

T he r ed N oa h' s a rk w as r ea ll y t he e no rm ou s s hi p o f e ar th ly s al va ti on r id in g o n t he r ai n- sw ol le n s ea , r edi n t he f ir st m or ni ng o f h op e.

E very o ne, I s up po se, k no ws s uch s tu nn in g i ns tant s o f abs tr acti on , s uch b ri ll iant b lank s i n t he m in d. I n

s uc h m om en ts o ne c an s ee t he f ac e o f o ne 's o wn b es t f ri en d a s a n u nm ea ni ng p at te rn o f s pe ct ac le s o r

m ou st ac he s. T he y a re c om mo nl y m ar ke d b y t he t wo s ig ns o f t he s lo wn es s o f t he ir g ro wt h a nd t he

s ud denn es s o f t heir t er mi nati on . T he r et ur n t o r eal t hi nk in g i s o ft en as abr up t as b um pi ng i nt o a m an . V er y

o ft en i nd ee d ( in m y c as e) i t i s bu mp in g i nt o a m an . B ut i n a ny c as e t he a wa ke ni ng i s a lw ay s e mph at ic a nd ,

g en er al ly s pe ak in g, i t i s a lw ay s c om pl et e. N ow , i n t hi s c as e, I d id c om e b ac k w it h a s ho ck o f s an it y t o

t he c on sc io us ne ss t ha t I w as , a ft er a ll , o nl y s ta ri ng i nt o a d in gy l it tl e t oy- sh op; b ut i n s om e s tr an ge w ay

t he m en tal cur e d id n ot s eem t o b e f in al . T here w as s ti ll i n m y m in d an u nm an ag eabl e s om et hi ng t hat t ol dme that I ha d st rayed into s ome odd at mosphe re, or that I had a lrea dy done some odd thi ng. I fe lt as i f I

had wor ke d a mi ra cl e or c ommi tt ed a si n. I t was a s i f I ha d a t a ny ra te, s te pped a cr os s s ome border in

the soul.

T o s ha ke o ff t hi s d an ge ro us a nd d re am y s en se I w en t i nt o t he s ho p a nd t ri ed t o b uy w oo de n s ol di er s.

T he m an i n t he s ho p w as v er y o ld a nd b rok en , w it h c on fu se d w hi te h ai r c ov er in g h is he ad a nd h al f h is

f ace, h ai r s o s tart li ng ly w hi te t hat i t l oo ked alm os t art if icial. Y et t ho ug h h e w as s en il e and even s ick, t here

w as n ot hi ng o f s uf fe ri ng i n hi s e ye s; h e l ook ed r at he r a s i f he w er e gr ad ua ll y f al li ng a sl ee p i n a no t

unki ndl y de ca y. He g ave me t he w oode n s ol di er s, but w he n I put dow n t he mone y he di d not a t f ir st

s ee m to s ee i t; t he n he bl inke d a t i t f ee bl y, a nd t he n he pus he d it fe eb ly a wa y.

“ No , n o, ” h e s ai d v ag ue ly . “ I n ev er h av e. I n ev er h av e. W e a re r at he r o ld -f as hi on ed h er e. ”

“No t t ak in g m on ey ,” I r ep li ed , “seem s t o m e m or e l ik e an u ncom mo nl y n ew f as hi on t han an o ld o ne.”

“ I ne ve r h av e, ” s ai d t he o ld m an , b li nk ing a nd b lo wi ng h is n os e; “ I' ve a lw ays g iv en p re se nt s. I 'm t oo o ld

t o s to p. ”

“ Go od h ea ve ns !” I s ai d. “ Wh at c an y ou m ea n? W hy , y ou m ig ht b e F at he r C hr is tm as .”

“I am F at her C hr is tm as ,” h e s ai d apo lo geti call y, and b lew h is n os e again .

T he l am ps c ou ld n ot h av e b ee n l ig ht ed y et i n t he s tr ee t o ut si de . A t a ny r at e, I c ou ld s ee n ot hi ng a ga in st

t he d ar kn es s b ut t he s hi ni ng s ho p- wi nd ow . T he re w er e n o s ou nd s o f s te ps o r v oi ce s i n t he s tr ee t; I m ig ht

h av e s tr ay ed i nt o s om e n ew a nd s un le ss w or ld . B ut s om et hi ng h ad c ut t he c ho rd s o f c om mo n s en se , a nd

I cou ld n ot f eel even s ur pr is e excep t s leep il y. S om et hi ng m ad e m e s ay , “Yo u l oo k i ll , F at her C hr is tm as .”

“ I a m d yi ng, ” he s ai d.

I di d not s pea k, a nd i t was he who s poke a gai n.

“ Al l t he ne w pe opl e ha ve l ef t m y s hop. I c an not un de rs ta nd i t. The y s ee m t o ob je ct t o me on s uc h

cur io us and i ncon si st en t s or t o f g ro un ds , t hese s ci en ti fi c m en , and t hese i nn ov at or s. T hey s ay t hat I g iv e

people superstitions and make them too visionary; they say I give people sausages and make them too


P a g e 7 1




c oa rs e. T he y s ay m y h ea ve nl y p ar ts a re t oo h ea ve nl y; t he y s ay m y e ar th ly p ar ts a re t oo e ar th ly ; I d on 't

k no w w hat t hey w an t, I 'm s ur e. H ow can h eavenl y t hi ng s b e t oo h eavenl y, o r ear th ly t hi ng s t oo ear th ly ?

H ow c an o ne b e t oo g oo d, o r t oo j ol ly ? I d on 't u nd er st an d. B ut I u nd er st an d o ne t hi ng w el l e no ug h.

T he se m od er n p eo pl e a re l iv in g a nd I a m d ea d. ”

“ You ma y be de ad,” I re pl ie d. “ You ought t o know. But a s f or wha t t he y a re doi ng, do not c all it l ivi ng.”

. . . . .

A s il en ce f el l s ud de nl y b et we en u s w hi ch I s om eh ow e xp ec te d t o b e u nb ro ke n. B ut i t h ad n ot f al le n f or

m or e t ha n a f ew s ec on ds w he n, i n t he u tt er s ti ll ne ss , I d is ti nc tl y h ea rd a v er y r ap id s te p c om in g n ea re r

a nd n ea re r a lo ng t he s tr ee t. T he n ex t m om en t a f igu re f lun g i ts el f i nt o t he s ho p a nd s to od f ra me d i n t he

d oo rw ay . H e w or e a l ar ge w hi te h at t il te d b ac k a s i f i n i mp at ie nc e; h e h ad t ig ht b la ck o ld -f as hi on ed

pantaloons, a gaudy old-fashioned stock and waistcoat, and an old fantastic coat. He had large,

w id e- op en , l um in ou s e ye s l ik e t ho se o f a n a rr es ti ng a ct or ; h e h ad a p al e, n er vo us f ac e, a nd a f ri ng e o f

beard. He took in the shop and the old man in a look that seemed literally a flash and uttered the

exclamation of a man utterly staggered.

“ Good l or d! ” h e c ri ed ou t; “ it c an' t be yo u! I t i sn' t you ! I c am e t o a sk w he re yo ur gr ave w as .”

“ I' m no t d ea d y et , M r. D ic ke ns ,” s ai d t he o ld g ent le ma n, w it h a f ee bl e s mi le ; “ bu t I 'm d yi ng ,” h e

hastened to add reassuringly.

“Bu t, d as h i t all , y ou w er e d yi ng i n m y t im e, ” s ai d M r. C harl es D ickens w it h ani mati on ; “an d y ou d on 't

l oo k a d ay o ld er .”

“I' ve f el t l ik e t hi s f or a l on g t im e, ” s ai d F at her C hr is tm as .

M r. Di ck en s t ur ne d hi s ba ck a nd pu t h is h ea d ou t o f t he d oo r i nt o t he da rkn es s.

“ Di ck ,” h e r oa re d a t t he t op o f hi s v oi ce ; “ he 's s ti ll a li ve .”

. . . . .

A no th er s hado w d ar kened t he d oo rw ay , and a m uch l ar ger and m or e f ul l- bl oo ded g en tl em an i n an

eno rm ou s p er iw ig cam e i n, f an ni ng h is f lu sh ed f ace w it h a m il it ar y h at o f t he cut o f Q ueen A nn e. H e

c ar ri ed hi s he ad we ll ba ck l ike a s ol di er , a nd hi s hot f ac e h ad e ve n a l ook of a rr oga nc e, wh ic h wa s

s ud de nl y c on tr ad ic te d b y h is e ye s, w hi ch w er e l it er al ly a s h um bl e a s a d og 's . H is s wo rd m ad e a g re atc la tt er , a s i f t he s hop we re t oo s ma ll f or i t.

“ In de ed ,” s ai d S ir R ic ha rd S te el e, “ 't is a m os t p ro di gi ou s m at te r, f or t he m an w as d yi ng w he n I w ro te

a bo ut S ir R og er d e C ov er le y a nd h is C hr is tm as D ay .”

M y s en se s w er e g ro wi ng d im me r a nd t he r oo m d ar ke r. I t s ee me d t o b e f il le d w it h n ew co me rs .

“ It h at h e ve r b ee n u nd er st oo d, ” s ai d a b ur ly m an , w ho c ar ri ed h is h ea d h um or ou sl y a nd o bs ti na te ly a

l it tl e o n o ne s id e— I t hi nk h e w as B en J on so n— “I t h at h e ve r b ee n u nd er st oo d, c on su le J ac ob o, u nd er

o ur K in g J am es a nd h er l at e M aj es ty , t ha t s uc h g oo d a nd h ea rt y c us to ms w er e f al le n s ic k, a nd l ik e t o

pass from the world. This grey beard most surely was no lustier when I knew him than now.”

A nd I a ls o t ho ug ht I h ea rd a g re en -c la d m an , l ik e R ob in H oo d, s ay i n s om e m ix ed N or ma n F re nc h, “ Bu t


P a g e 7 2




I s aw t he m an d yi ng .”

“ I ha ve f el t l ike t hi s a l ong t im e, ” s ai d F at he r C hr is tm as , i n h is f ee bl e w ay a ga in .

M r. C harl es D ickens s ud denl y l ean t acro ss t o h im .

“ Si nc e w he n? ” h e a sk ed . “ Si nc e y ou w er e b or n? ”

“ Ye s, ” s ai d t he o ld m an , a nd s an k s ha ki ng i nt o a c ha ir . “ I h ave be en a lw ay s d yi ng .”

Mr . Dic kens took of f hi s ha t wi th a fl our ish l ike a ma n ca ll ing a mob t o ri se .

“I u nd er st an d i t n ow ,” h e cri ed , “yo u w il l n ev er d ie.”

XXXVIII. The Ballade of a Strange Town

M y f ri en d and I , i n f oo li ng abo ut F land er s, f el l i nt o a f ix ed aff ecti on f or t he t ow n o f M echl in o r M al in es .

Ou r r es t t he re wa s s o r es tf ul t ha t w e a lmos t f el t i t a s a ho me , a nd ha rdl y s tr aye d out of i t.

W e s at d ay a ft er d ay i n t he m ar ke t- pl ac e, u nd er l it tl e t re es g ro wi ng i n w oo de n t ub s, a nd l oo ke d u p a t

t he n ob le con verg in g l in es o f t he C at hedr al t ow er , f ro m w hi ch t he t hr ee r id er s f ro m G hent , i n t he p oem,

he ar d t he b el l wh ic h t ol d t he m t he y we re not t oo l at e. But we t ook a s mu ch pl ea sur e i n t he pe opl e, i n t he

l it tl e b oy s w it h o pen, f lat F lemi sh f aces and f ur col lars r ou nd t heir n ecks , m ak in g t hem l oo k l ik e

burgomasters; or the women, whose prim, oval faces, hair strained tightly off the temples, and mouths at

o nce h ar d, m eek, and h um or ou s, exact ly r ep ro du ced t he l at e m ed iaev al f aces i n M em li ng and V an E yck.

B ut o ne a ft er no on , a s i t h ap pe ne d, m y f ri en d r os e f ro m u nd er h is l it tl e t re e, a nd p oi nt in g t o a s or t o f t oy

t ra in t ha t w as p uf fi ng s mo ke i n o ne c or ne r o f t he c le ar s qu ar e, s ug ge st ed t ha t w e s ho ul d g o b y i t. W e g ot

i nt o t he l it tl e t ra in , w hi ch w as m ea nt r ea ll y t o t ak e t he p ea sa nt s a nd t he ir v eg et ab le s t o a nd f ro f ro m t he ir

f ie ld s b ey on d t he t ow n, a nd t he o ff ic ia l c am e r ou nd t o g iv e u s t ic ke ts . W e a sk ed h im w ha t p la ce w e

s hou ld ge t t o i f we pa id f ive pe nc e. T he B el gi ans a re no t a r oma nti c pe op le , a nd h e a ske d us ( wi th a

l am en tabl e m ix tu re o f F lemi sh coars en es s and F rench r at io nali sm ) w here w e w an ted t o g o.

W e e xp la in ed t ha t w e w an te d t o g o t o f ai ry la nd , a nd t he o nl y q ue st io n w as w he th er w e c ou ld g et t he re

f or f iv ep en ce. A t l as t, aft er a g reat d eal o f i nt er nati on al m is un ders tand in g ( fo r h e s po ke F rench i n t he

F le mi sh a nd w e i n t he En gl is h m an ne r) , h e t ol d u s t ha t f iv ep en ce w ou ld t ake u s t o a p la ce w hi ch I ha ve

n ev er s ee n w ri tt en d ow n, b ut w hi ch w he n s po ke n s ou nd ed l ik e t he w or d “ Wa te rl oo ” p ro no un ce d b y a ni nt ox icat ed p at ri ot ; I t hi nk i t w as W aerl ow e.

W e c la sp ed ou r h an ds a nd s ai d i t w as t he p la ce w e ha d b ee n s ee ki ng f rom b oy ho od , a nd w he n we ha d

g ot t her e w e d es cen ded w it h p ro mp ti tu de.

F or a m ome nt I ha d a h or ri bl e f ea r t ha t i t r ea ll y w as t he f ie ld of Wa te rl oo; but I w as c omf or te d b y

r em em be ri ng t ha t i t w as i n q ui te a d if fe re nt p ar t o f B el gi um . I t w as a c ro ss -r oa ds , w it h o ne c ot ta ge a t t he

cor ner, a p er sp ecti ve o f t al l t rees l ik e H ob bema's “Av en ue,” and b ey on d o nl y t he i nf in it e f lat chess -b oard

o f t he l it tl e f ie ld s. I t w as t he s ce ne o f p ea ce a nd p ro sp er it y; b ut I m us t c on fe ss t ha t m y f ri en d' s f ir st a ct io n

wa s t o a sk t he m an whe n t he re w oul d be a not he r t ra in ba ck t o M ec hl in. T he ma n s ta te d t ha t t he re w oul d be a train back in exactly one hour. We walked up the avenue, and when we were nearly half an hour's

w al k a wa y i t b eg an t o r ai n.


P a g e 7 3




. . . . .

W e arr iv ed b ack at t he cro ss -r oads s od den and d ri pp in g, and , f in di ng t he t rain w ai ti ng , cli mb ed i nt o i t

w it h s om e r el ief. T he o ff icer o n t hi s t rain cou ld s peak n ot hi ng b ut F lemi sh , b ut h e u nd er st oo d t he n am e

M ec hl in , a nd i ndi ca te d t ha t w he n w e c am e t o M ec hl in S ta ti on h e w ou ld p ut u s d ow n, w hi ch , a ft er t he

r ig ht i nt er val o f t im e, h e d id .

W e g ot d ow n, u nd er a s te ad y d ow np ou r, e vi de nt ly o n t he e dg e o f M ec hl in , t ho ug h t he f ea tu re s c ou ld

n ot e as il y b e r ec ogn is ed t hr ou gh t he g re y s cr ee n o f t he r ai n. I d o n ot g en er al ly a gr ee w it h t ho se w ho f in d

r ai n d ep ress in g. A s ho wer- bath i s n ot d ep ress in g; i t i s r at her s tart li ng . A nd i f i t i s excit in g w hen a m an

t hr ow s a p ai l of w at er o ve r y ou , w hy s ho ul d i t n ot a ls o b e e xc it in g w he n t he g od s t hr ow m an y p ai ls ? B ut

o n t hi s s oa ki ng a ft er no on , w he th er i t w as t he d ul l s ky -l in e o f t he N et he rl an ds o r t he f ac t t ha t w e w er e

r et ur ni ng h om e w it ho ut a ny a dv en tu re , I r ea ll y d id t hi nk t hi ng s a t ri fl e d re ar y. A s s oon a s w e c oul d c re ep

und er t he s he lt er of a s tr ee t we t ur ne d i nt o a l it tl e c af e, ke pt b y o ne w om an. S he wa s i nc re di bl y ol d, a nd

s he s po ke n o F re nc h. T he re w e d ra nk b la ck c of fe e a nd w ha t w as c al le d “ co gn ac f in e. ” “ Co gn ac f in e”

w er e t he o nl y t wo F re nc h w or ds u se d i n t he e st ab li sh me nt , a nd t he y w er e n ot t ru e. A t l ea st , t he f in en es s( pe rh ap s b y i ts v er y e th er ea l d el ic ac y) e sc ap ed m e. A ft er a l it tl e m y f ri en d, w ho w as m or e r es tl es s t ha n I ,

got up and went out, t o se e if t he r ain had stopped a nd if we coul d at onc e st rol l ba ck t o our hote l by t he

s tati on . I s at f in is hi ng m y cof fee i n a col ou rl es s m oo d, and l is teni ng t o t he u nr em it ti ng r ai n.

. . . . .

S ud denl y t he d oo r b ur st o pen, and m y f r iend app eared, t rans fi gu red and f r an ti c.

“ Ge t up !” h e c ri ed, w av in g h is h an ds w il dl y. “ Ge t u p! W e' re i n t he w ro ng t ow n! W e' re n ot i n M ec hl in a t

all . M echl in i s t en m il es , t went y m il es o ff —G od k no ws w hat! W e' re s om ew here n ear A nt werp .”

“Wh at !” I cri ed , l eapi ng f ro m m y s eat, and s en di ng t he f ur ni tu re f ly in g. “Th en all i s w el l, aft er all ! P oetr y

o nl y h id h er f ac e f or a n i ns ta nt b eh in d a c lo ud . P os it iv el y f or a m om en t I w as f ee li ng d ep re ss ed b ec au se

we we re i n the r ight tow n. But i f w e ar e i n t he wr ong town— why, we ha ve our a dvent ur e a ft er a ll ! I f we

a re i n t he wr ong t own, we a re i n t he r ight pl ac e.”

I r us he d o ut i nt o t he r ai n, a nd m y f ri en d f ol low ed m e s om ew ha t m or e g ri ml y. W e d is co ve re d w e w er e i n

a t ow n cal led L ier re, w hi ch s eem ed t o con si s t chi efl y o f b an kr up t p as tr y coo ks , w ho s ol d l em on ad e.

“Th is i s t he p eak o f o ur w ho le p oeti c p ro gr es s! ” I cri ed ent hu si as ti call y. “We m us t d o s om et hi ng ,

s om et hi ng s ac ra me nt al a nd c om me mo ra ti ve ! W e c an no t s ac ri fi ce a n o x, a nd i t w ou ld b e a b or e t o b ui ld at em pl e. L et u s w ri te a p oe m. ”

W it h b ut s li gh t e nc ou ra ge me nt , I t ook ou t a n o ld e nve lo pe a nd on e o f t ho se p en ci ls t ha t t ur n b ri gh t v iol et

i n w at er . T he re w as p le nt y o f w at er a bo ut , a nd t he v io le t r an d ow n t he p ap er , s ym bo li si ng t he r ic h p ur pl e

o f t ha t r om an ti c h ou r. I b eg an , c ho os in g t he f or m o f a n o ld F re nc h b al la de ; i t i s t he e as ie st b ec au se i t i s

t he m os t r est ri cted—

“ Ca n M an t o M ou nt O ly mp us r is e,

A nd f an cy P ri mr os e H il l t he s cene?

C an a m an wa lk i n P ar ad is e

A nd t hi nk h e i s i n Tu rn ha m G re en ?

An d c oul d I t ake y ou f or M al ine s,

N ot k no wi ng t he n ob le r t hi ng y ou w er e?


P a g e 7 4




O Pe ar l of a ll t he p la in , a nd qu ee n,

T he l ov el y cit y o f L ierr e.

“Through memory's mist in glimmering guise

S hall s hi ne y ou r s t reet s o f s lo pp y s heen .

A nd w et s ha ll g ro w m y d re am in g e ye s,

T o t hi nk h ow w et m y b oot s ha ve be enNow if I die or shoot a Dean——”

H er e I br oke o ff t o a sk my f ri end wh et he r he t hough t i t e xpr es se d a mo re w il d c al ami ty t o s hoot a De an

or to be a De an. But he only turned up his coat collar, and I felt that for him the muse had folded he r

w in gs . I r ewr ot e—

“Now i f I die a Rura l Dea n,

Or rob a bank I do not care,

Or turn a Tory. I have seen

T he l ov el y cit y o f L ierr e. ”

“Th e n ex t l in e, ” I r es um ed , w ar mi ng t o i t; b ut m y f ri en d i nt er ru pt ed m e.

“ Th e n ext l in e, ” h e s ai d s om ew ha t h ar shl y, “ wi ll b e a r ai lw ay l in e. W e c an g et b ac k t o M ec hl in f rom

h er e, I f in d, t ho ug h w e h av e t o c ha ng e t wi ce . I d ar e s ay I s ho ul d t hi nk t hi s j ol ly r om an ti c b ut f or t he

w ea th er . A dv en tu re i s t he c ha mp ag ne o f l if e, b ut I p re fe r m y c ha mp ag ne a nd m y a dv en tu re s d ry . H er e i s

the station.”

. . . . .

W e d id n ot s pe ak a ga in u nt il w e h ad l ef t L ie rr e, i n i ts s ac re d c lo ud o f r ai n, a nd w er e c om in g t o M ec hl in ,und er a c le ar er s ky, t ha t e ve n ma de on e t hi nk of s ta rs . The n I l ea nt f or wa rd a nd s ai d t o m y f ri end i n a

l ow v oi ce —“ I h av e f ou nd o ut e ve ry th in g. W e h av e c om e t o t he w ro ng s ta r. ”

H e s ta re d hi s que ry, a nd I we nt on e ag er ly: “ Tha t i s wh at m ake s l if e a t onc e s o s pl endi d a nd s o s tr an ge .

W e a re i n t he wr ong wo rl d. Whe n I t hought t ha t w as t he r ight t own, i t b or ed m e; w he n I kne w i t wa s

w ro ng , I w as h ap py . S o t he f al se o pt im is m, t he m od er n h ap pi ne ss , t ir es u s b ec au se i t t el ls u s w e f it i nt o

t hi s w or ld . T he t ru e h ap pi ne ss i s t ha t w e d on 't f it . W e c om e f ro m s om ew he re e ls e. W e h av e l os t o ur

way.”

H e s il en tl y n od de d, s ta ri ng o ut o f t he w in dow , b ut w he th er I h ad i mpr es se d o r o nl y f at ig ue d h im I c ou ldn ot t el l. “ Th is ,” I a dd ed , “ is s ug ge st ed i n t he l as t v er se o f a f in e p oe m y ou ha ve g ro ss ly n eg le ct ed —

“ 'H app y i s h e a nd m or e t ha n w is e

W ho s ee s w it h w on de ri ng e ye s a nd c le an

T he w or ld t hr ou gh all t he g rey d is gu is e

O f s le ep a nd c us to m i n b et we en .

Y es ; w e m ay p as s t he h ea ve nl y s cr ee n,

Bu t s ha ll we kn ow wh en we a re t he re ?

W ho k no w n ot w ha t t he se d ea d s to ne s m ea n,

T he l ov el y cit y o f L ierr e. '“

H er e t he t rain s to pp ed abr up tl y. A nd f ro m M echl in chu rch s teep le w e h eard t he h al f- ch im e: and J or is

broke silence with “No bally HORS D'OEUVRES for me: I shall get on to something solid at once.”


P a g e 7 5




L'Envoy

P ri nc e, w id e y ou r E mp ir e s pr ea ds , I w ee n,

Y et h ap pi er i s t ha t m oi st en ed M ay or ,

W ho d ri nk s h er c og na c f ar f ro m f in e,

T he l ov el y cit y o f L ierr e.

XXXIX. The My st ery o f a Pageant

On ce upo n a t im e, i t s ee ms c en tur ie s a go , I wa s p re va il ed on t o t ake a s ma ll pa rt i n one o f t hos e

h is to ri ca l p ro ce ss io ns o r p ag ea nt s w hi ch h ap pe ne d t o b e f as hi on ab le i n o r a bo ut t he y ea r 1 90 9. A nd

s inc e I t en d, l ik e a ll wh o a re gr ow ing ol d, t o r e- en te r t he r em ot e pa st a s a pa ra di se o r pl ayg ro un d, I

d is in ter a m em or y w hi ch m ay s er ve t o s tand amo ng t ho se m em or ies o f s mall b ut s tr an ge i ncid en ts w it h

w hi ch I h av e s om et im es f il led t hi s col um n. T he t hi ng h as r eall y s om e o f t he d ar k q uali ti es o f a

d et ecti ve-s to ry ; t ho ug h I s up po se t hat S herl ock H ol mes h im self cou ld h ar dl y u nr av el i t n ow , w hen t hes ce nt i s s o o ld a nd c ol d a nd m os t o f t he a ct or s, d oub tl es s, l ong de ad.

T hi s o ld p ag ea nt i nc lu de d a s er ie s o f f ig ur es f ro m t he e ig ht ee nt h c en tu ry , a nd I w as t ol d t ha t I w as j us t

l ik e D r. J oh ns on . S eein g t hat D r. J oh ns on w as h eavi ly s eamed w it h s mall -p ox , h ad a w ai st co at all o ver

g ra vy , s no rt ed a nd r ol le d a s h e w al ke d, a nd w as p ro ba bl y t he u gl ie st m an i n L on do n, I m en ti on t hi s

i de nt if ic at io n a s a f ac t a nd n ot a s a v au nt . I ha d n ot hi ng t o d o w it h t he a rr ang em en t; a nd s uc h f le et in g

s ugge st ion s a s I m ade w er e no t t ake n s o s er io us ly a s t he y mi ght ha ve be en. I r eq ue st ed t ha t a r ow of

posts be erected across the lawn, so that I might touch all of them but one, and then go back and touch

t ha t. F ai li ng t hi s, I f el t t ha t t he l ea st t he y c ou ld d o w as t o h av e t we nt y- fi ve c up s o f t ea s ta ti on ed a t r eg ul ar

i nt er vals alo ng t he cou rs e, each h el d b y a M rs . T hr al e i n f ul l cos tu me. M y b es t con st ru ct iv e s ug gest io nw as t he m os t h ar sh ly r ej ec te d o f a ll . I n f ro nt o f m e i n t he p ro ce ss io n w al ke d t he g re at B is ho p B er ke le y,

t he m an w ho t ur ned t he t ab les o n t he ear ly m at er iali st s b y m ai nt ai ni ng t hat m at ter i ts el f p os si bl y d oes n ot

exi st . D r. J oh ns on , y ou w il l r em em ber, d id n ot l ik e s uch b ot to ml es s f an ci es as B er keley' s, and k icked a

s to ne w it h h is f oo t, s ay in g, “ I r ef ut e h im s o! ” N ow ( as I p oi nt ed o ut ) k ic ki ng a s to ne w ou ld n ot m ak e t he

m et ap hy si cal q uarr el q ui te clear ; b es id es , i t w ou ld h ur t. B ut h ow p ictu resq ue and p er fect i t w ou ld b e i f I

m ov ed acr os s t he g ro un d i n t he s ym bo li c att it ud e o f k icki ng B is ho p B er keley! H ow com pl et e an all eg or ic

g ro up ; t he g reat t rans cend en tali st w al ki ng w it h h is h ead amo ng t he s tars , b ut b eh in d h im t he aveng in g

r eali st p ed e claud o, w it h u pl if ted f oo t. B ut I m us t n ot t ak e u p s pace w it h t hese f or go tt en f ri vo li ti es ; w e o ld

m en g ro w t oo g ar ru lo us i n t al ki ng o f t he d is tant p as t.

T hi s s to ry s ca rc el y c on ce rn s m e e it he r i n m y r ea l o r m y a ss um ed c ha ra ct er . S uf fi ce i t t o s ay t ha t t he procession took place at night in a large garden and by torchlight (so remote is the date), that the garden

w as cro wd ed w it h P ur it an s, m on ks , and m en -at- ar ms , and esp eciall y w it h ear ly C el ti c s ai nt s s mo ki ng

pipes, and with elegant Renaissance gentlemen talking Cockney. Suffice it to say, or rather it is needless

t o s ay, t ha t I g ot l os t. I w an de re d a wa y i nt o s om e di m c or ne r of t ha t d im s hr ub be ry, wh er e t he re w as

n ot hi ng t o d o e xc ep t t um bl in g o ve r t en t r op es , a nd I b eg an a lm os t t o f ee l l ik e m y p ro to ty pe , a nd t o s ha re

h is h or ro r o f s ol it ud e a nd h at re d o f a c ou nt ry l if e.

I n t hi s d et achm en t and d il em ma I s aw ano th er m an i n a w hi te w ig adv an ci ng acr os s t hi s f or saken s tr et ch

o f l aw n; a t al l, l ea n m an , w ho s to op ed i n h is l on g b la ck r ob es l ik e a s to op in g e ag le . W he n I t ho ug ht h e

w ou ld pa ss m e, he s top pe d be for e my f ac e, a nd s ai d, “ Dr . J oh ns on , I t hi nk . I a m P al ey. ”

“ Si r, ” I s ai d, “ you u se d t o gu ide m en t o t he b eg in ni ng s o f C hr is ti an it y. I f y ou c an g ui de m e no w t o


P a g e 7 6




wherever this infernal thing begins you will perform a yet higher and harder function.”

Hi s c os tu me a nd s ty le we re s o pe rf ec t t ha t f or t he i ns ta nt I r ea ll y t hough t h e w as a g hos t. H e t ook no

n ot ice o f m y f li pp an cy , b ut , t ur ni ng h is b lack -r ob ed b ack o n m e, l ed m e t hr ou gh v er du ro us g lo om s and

w in di ng m os sy w ay s, u nt il w e cam e o ut i nt o t he g lare o f g as li gh t and l au gh in g m en i n m as qu er ad e, and I

could easily laugh at myself.

A nd t he re , y ou w il l s ay , w as a n e nd o f t he m at te r. I a m ( yo u w il l s ay ) n at ur al ly o bt us e, c ow ar dl y, a nd

m en ta ll y d ef ic ie nt . I w as , m or eo ve r, u nu se d t o p ag ea nt s; I f el t f ri gh te ne d i n t he d ar k a nd t oo k a m an f or a

s pe ct re w ho m, i n t he l ig ht , I c ou ld r ec og ni se a s a m od er n g en tl em an i n a m as qu er ad e d re ss . N o; f ar f ro m

i t. T hat s pect ral p er so n w as m y f ir st i nt ro du ct io n t o a s peci al i ncid en t w hi ch h as n ev er b een exp lain ed and

w hi ch s ti ll l ay s i ts f in ger o n m y n er ve.

I m ix ed w it h t he m en o f t he e ig ht ee nt h c en tu ry ; a nd w e f oo le d a s o ne d oe s a t a f an cy -d re ss b al l. T he re

w as B ur ke a s l ar ge a s l if e a nd a g re at d ea l b et te r l oo ki ng . T he re w as C ow pe r m uc h l ar ge r t ha n l if e; h e

ought t o ha ve be en a l it tle ma n i n a ni ght -c ap, wi th a c at unde r one a rm a nd a s pa ni el u nde r t he ot he r. A s

i t w as , h e w as a m ag ni fi ce nt p er so n, a nd l oo ke d m or e l ik e t he M as te r o f B al la nt ra e t ha n C ow pe r. I persuaded him at last to the night-cap, but never, alas, to the cat and dog. When I came the next night

B ur ke w as s ti ll t he s am e b eaut if ul i mp ro vement u po n h im self ; C ow per w as s ti ll w eepi ng f or h is d og and

c at a nd w ou ld n ot b e c om fo rt ed ; B is ho p B er ke le y w as s ti ll w ai ti ng t o b e k ic ke d i n t he i nt er es ts o f

philosophy. In short, I met all my old friends but one. Where was Paley? I had been mystically moved by

t he m an 's pr es en ce ; I w as m ove d m or e b y hi s a bs en ce . A t l as t I s aw a dv an ci ng t ow ar ds us a cr os s t he

t wi li gh t g ar de n a l it tl e m an w it h a l ar ge b oo k a nd a b ri gh t a tt ra ct iv e f ac e. W he n h e c am e n ea r e no ug h h e

s ai d, i n a s ma ll , c le ar v oi ce , “ I' m P al ey .” T he t hi ng w as q ui te n at ur al , o f c ou rs e; t he m an w as i ll a nd h ad

s en t a s ub st it ut e. Y et s om eh ow t he c on tr as t w as a s ho ck .

B y t he ne xt ni gh t I h ad g ro wn q ui te f ri en dl y w it h my f ou r o r f ive c ol le agu es ; I ha d d is co ve re d w ha t i s

cal led a m ut ual f ri en d w it h B er keley and s ev er al p oi nt s o f d if ference w it h B ur ke. C ow per, I t hi nk i t w as ,w ho i nt rod uc ed m e t o a f ri en d o f h is , a f re sh f ac e, s qu ar e a nd s tu rd y, f ra me d i n a w hi te w ig . “ Th is ,” h e

e xp la in ed , “ is m y f ri en d S o- an d- So . H e' s P al ey .” I l oo ke d r ou nd a t a ll t he f ac es b y t hi s t im e f ix ed a nd

f am il ia r; I s tud ie d t he m; I c ount ed t he m; t he n I b owe d t o t he t hi rd Pa le y a s on e bo ws t o n ec es si ty . So f ar

t he t hi ng w as all w it hi n t he l im it s o f coi ncid en ce. I t cer tain ly s eemed o dd t hat t hi s o ne p ar ti cu lar cleri c

s ho ul d b e s o v ar yi ng and elu si ve. I t w as s in gu lar t hat P al ey , alo ne amo ng m en , s ho ul d s well and s hr in k

a nd a lt er l ike a p ha nt om , wh il e a ll e ls e r ema in ed s ol id . Bu t t he t hi ng wa s e xpl ic ab le ; t wo m en ha d be en i ll

a nd t he re w as a n e nd o f i t; on ly I w en t a ga in t he n ex t n ig ht , a nd a c le ar -c ol ou re d e le ga nt y ou th w it h

powdered hair bounded up to me, and told me with boyish excitement that he was Paley.

F or t he n ext t we nt y- fo ur h ou rs I r em ai ne d i n t he m en ta l c on di ti on o f t he m od er n w or ld . I m ea n t hecondition in which all natural explanations have broken down and no supernatural explanation has been

e st ab li sh ed . M y b ew il de rm en t h ad r ea ch ed t o b or ed om w he n I f ou nd m ys el f o nc e m or e i n t he c ol ou r a nd

c la tt er of t he pa ge ant , a nd I w as a ll t he m or e pl ea se d b ec aus e I me t a n o ld s cho ol -f el low , a nd w e

m ut uall y r ecog ni sed each o th er u nd er o ur h eavy clo th es and h oary w ig s. W e t al ked abo ut all t ho se g reat

t hi ng s f or w hi ch l it er at ur e i s t oo s mall and o nl y l if e l ar ge eno ug h; r ed -h ot m em or ies and t ho se g ig an ti c

d et ai ls w hi ch m ak e u p t he c ha ra ct er s o f m en . I h ea rd a ll a bo ut t he f ri en ds h e h ad l os t s ig ht o f a nd t ho se

he h ad ke pt i n s ight ; I h ea rd a bo ut hi s p rof es si on, a nd a ske d a t l as t h ow h e c am e i nt o t he p age ant .

“ The f ac t i s,” he s ai d, “ a f ri end of m ine a ske d m e, j us t f or t o- ni ght , t o a ct a c ha p c al le d Pa le y; I don 't

know who he was. . . .”

“ No , b y t hu nd er !” I s ai d, “ no r d oe s a ny on e. ”


P a g e 7 7




T hi s w as t he l as t b lo w, a nd t he n ex t n ig ht p as se d l ik e a d re am . I s ca rc el y n ot ic ed t he s le nd er , s pr ig ht ly ,

a nd e nt ir el y ne w f ig ur e w hi ch f el l i nt o t he r an ks i n t he p la ce o f P al ey, s o m an y t im es d ec ea se d. W ha t

cou ld i t m ean? W hy w as t he g id dy P al ey u nf ai th fu l amo ng t he f ai th fu l f ou nd ? D id t hese p er petu al chang es

prove the popularity or the unpopularity of being Paley? Was it that no human being could support being

P al ey f or on e n ig ht a nd l iv e t il l m or ni ng ? O r w as i t t ha t t he g at es w er e c ro wd ed w it h e ag er t hr on gs o f t he

B ri ti sh p ub li c t hi rs ti ng t o b e P al ey, w ho c ou ld o nl y b e l et i n o ne a t a t im e? O r i s t he re s om e a nc ie nt

v en de tt a a ga in st P al ey ? D oe s s om e s ec re t s oc ie ty o f D ei st s s ti ll a ss as si na te a ny o ne w ho a do pt s t hename?

I c an no t c on je ct ur e f ur th er a bo ut t hi s t ru e t al e o f m ys te ry ; a nd t ha t f or t wo r ea so ns . F ir st , t he s to ry i s s o

t rue t ha t I ha ve ha d t o put a l ie i nt o i t. Eve ry wo rd o f t hi s na rr at iv e i s ve ra ci ou s, e xc ept t he one wor d

P al ey . A nd s ec on d, be ca us e I h av e go t t o g o i nt o t he ne xt r oo m a nd d re ss u p a s Dr . J oh ns on.

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T hi s eB oo k w as cr eat ed u s in g R ead er W or k s™ S tan dar d, p r od uced b y O ver Dr i ve, I nc.

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G.K.chesterton Tremedous.trifles

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