Girl in Venice Series

7/27/2019 Girl in Venice Series

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Girl, Lost: Part one in the "Fair Venice" series

Author:Trixie

Disclaimer: Joss and Marti own them, destroy them, blah blah bling

Rating: PG for first five parts: last is NC 17

Authors Notes: This was born out of my need for a future fic after the travesty that was "Into the Woods"

Summary: Takes place five years after "Into the Woods". What if Buffy just couldn't take it anymore? What wouldshe do?

Category: B/A, AU

Buffy Summers wiped a stray bead of sweat from her forehead as she walked out into the hot sun and neared atable full of young people. Ciao, she said brightly. Come sta?

They looked confused and pulled out a phrase book. Buffy saw their intention and quickly switched to English.It's all right. I'm American. What can I get for you today?

They appeared visibly relieved and a flushed and pretty black haired woman asked her, What would yourecommend?

The pistachio, she uttered automatically as she was trained to do. Best in Venice.

Four please then, one man said cheerfully and Buffy nodded, turning away and heading back to the counter.

Four pistachio George, she told the thin man behind the counter who scowled at her.

Bad mood today, Anne?

Buffy grimaced and smiled. Her boss was a master at reading moods. Just a case of the same olds, same olds. IfI have to tell people our ice cream is the best in Venice one more time she trailed off threateningly and pulledat the white cotton of her dress. And I gotta work tonight. Can you believe?

I thought Paradiso was closed on Sundays, he commented, referring to the bar where Buffy worked at night.She watched him as he scooped out the light green ice cream absently and leaned on the cool counter.

Nope. Rafe decided to make it live music night. She grabbed a tray and assembled the four ice creams on it,careful not to let them drip as she headed out into the sunlight again, straightening the Paolin sign that hung at

the door, as she went.

Handing out the ices with a practiced smile, she looked around and breathed a sigh of relief at the lack ofcustomers. Of course, all the sensible Italians were having their siestas on such a brutally hot afternoon, butusually there was the influx of tourists.

Sinking down onto a chair, she wiped her soaking brow and straightened the messy bun she kept her long blondelocks confined to. Maybe it was time for a change. She had been living in Venice for two years now, and that wasusually her limit. In fact, she reminded herself, one year was her desired length of time to spend in one place,but she hadn't been able to resist staying for longer. Venice had her under its spell and she had to get awaybefore she became too comfortable. She couldn't make any place her home.

Sunnydale.

How long had it been? Five and a half years now. It all seemed so far away. She could barely believe Californiaexisted.

When she left all those years ago, running away, she hadn't had a clear idea where she was going. She justwanted to get away. Riley had left her, and her sister wasn't really her sister, and her mother had nearly died,and Buffy couldn't take it anymore.

She didn't know if they still looked for her. She assumed they did, because Giles was not one to give up. Hermother probably thought she was dead. Well, I might as well be Buffy thought, wringing her hands and staringup at the blue sky. She would never go home again, that she knew. She was dead to them now.

How would they ever be able to forgive her?

Yes, the first time they had, because her reason was so great. Angel. But this time? She had just broken down.Her life hadn't made sense anymore. It hadn't been for any specific reason, everything had simply accumulated
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into a mess that left her head aching and her stomach heaving.

First it had been New York City. She hadn't even considered LA, realizing how stupid that would be, with Angel intown. He would've sensed her a mile away. New York was her choice, and it had a comforting anonymity. A girllike her could get lost in crowds like those in the City that never slept, and she had taken advantage of that fact.With three waitressing jobs all she had been able to afford was a tiny apartment infested with roaches. Buffydidn't last long in New York.

With all the money she had, she then bought a plane ticket. For Europe. Europe was so far away, and itrepresented something Buffy had never had. Pure, unadulterated freedom. What an exhilarating, frightening rideit had been. Through London, Paris and then inevitable, Rome. Bella Roma. She would go back there again, butVenice had called and that was when Buffy fell in love.

Not with a man. With a city. She loved everything about Venice, and when she had first arrived, spent countlesshours exploring the canals, the lonely streets, the Cathedralsthe ambience, the beauty, the heart-breakingancientness of Venice spoke to her. For she was old to. An old being, who had seen too much.

Now here she was, twenty-five and working two jobs, only one that paid well, and in possession of a smallapartment overlooking the Moisorine.

Standing up, she noticed the group of tourists had finished their ice creams, and left, leaving a good tip. With aslight smile, she gathered up the cash and the tray, carrying it into the caf with ease. Georgeare we closing?she asked, as she noticed her boss, and the owner of the shop, sweeping around the tables inside as he hummeda sad love song.

Mi dispiace, Anne, but we must. I have a date this evening and wish to get ready.

I see, I see, she laughed, a melodious sound and wiggled her eyebrows. And who is the lucky lady?

He flushed and set down the broom, as she turned to the sink and filled it rapidly with hot water and detergent toclean the empty bowls, sticky with ice cream. Signora Colonna, he muttered and she gaped at him as shescrubbed the dishes.

Mrs. Colonna? GeezGeorge, she's about fifty years older than you! And married might I add!

He shrugged and scratched his neck. She likes me, he whispered, and his skin went even redder as Buffygrinned.

I bet she does. A young stud like you

Stop it, Anne, he growled menacingly and then his face dissolved into laughter. She is old isn't she?

Like fifty or something, Buffy giggled. But hey, if that's what turns your crank.

Turn my crank? he repeated, his accent thick as it twisted around the unfamiliar phrase. I don't know whatyou mean, Anne.

Never mind, she swatted him with the rag. Go on, get ready for Colonna. I'll finish the cleaning.

Grazie! he called as he sped out the door. Buffy turned back to the washing, still chuckling. He was theweirdest, and best boss she had had so far. One in New York had been a pervert, and one in Rome forced her towork almost twenty hours a day. But Georgehe was almost as young as her, and completely easy going. He hadcome into an inheritance from an elderly Uncle, which was how he had taken over control of the caf, andbusiness boomed. Buffy was one of many waitresses. Two local girls called Teresa, and Maria worked at the cafas well, as did an older woman named Ava.

Squirting more detergent into the water, she plunged her hands in and scrubbed furiously at the bowls. If shefinished fast she might be able to take a walk and have a nice dinner before she had to head off to Paradiso. Asound at the door caught her attention, and without turning around, she called, Mi dispiace and then tried to

remember how to say, we're closed in Italian.

Buffy.

It was a voice she had heard thousand of times in her head but never out loud. It was a voice she knew betterthan her own. Angel? she asked in a very small voice, and began to turn around.


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Girl, Found: Part Two in the "Fair Venice" series

As Buffy turned, she wondered what to do. She wondered whether or not she could make a break for it. Would heable to catch her? She really could fly, if she needed to.

Don't try to run, he warned, and she slumped, facing the man she hadn't seen in over six years with a defiantglare.

He looked older for some reason. She couldn't put her finger on why. His eyes were ringed with purple, and hisexpression was one of weariness. His eyes travelled over her; over her rail thin figure, her white cotton dress, hermane of golden hair swept up in a messy twist. Flushing, she stared back at him.

So, you found me, she remarked and he gazed into her eyes.

Yes, he acknowledged.

How long have you been involved in the search? she asked, leaning against the counter. Her heart poundedmadly. She wanted to run. She needed to get away.

Since day one, he said, as if it should be obvious. Giles called me right away.

Oh, Buffy replied in a small voice. She didn't want to hear this. Already she felt sick at the sound of Giles'name. Poor Giles. He must have been so worriedshe thought, bowing her head.

Angel took a step forward and then stopped as her head shot up. Buffy he began gently. Why did you do it?

Sighing, she sat down on one of the stools by the counter and surveyed her ex-lover with something akin todetachment. I had to get away, Angel. I don't know why. Everything was just soyou have no idea what I wasgoing through. Riley left and my mother almost died, and Dawn she paused and pressed a shaky hand to herstomach. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to go over things again. Past is past. It's dead.

Okay, he accepted, but she knew he hadn't given up. You're a difficult girl to track down.

Did you hire an investigator? she asked, and he shook his dark head, leaning against the wall.

No. I am an investigator, he reminded her and she nodded distractedly.

Oh right. Forgot.

How long have you been in Venice? he inquired and she whirled to stare at him.

NO! You know what? Leave now! We're not going to start thisexchanging pleasantries. Making with the politeand nice. You left my l ife over seven years ago. Stick to that.

Angel was silent for a moment, and then their eyes locked and she felt a quiver in the pit of her stomach. Youknow I'm not going to leave you alone, Buffy. Your mother, your friends, everyonethey need to know where youareyou must see that.

I don't care what they want! she cried. Did they ever worry about me? What I was going through? NO! Theydidn't. She wilted and slid off the stool, wringing the dish cloth with her hands. I have to go. I have to work.

Isn't the caf closed? he asked, and she looked outside at the waning sunlight, her face dull as she nodded.

Yeah, but I have another job.

Outside. Waning sunlight. Sunlight. What?

Youhow did you get in here? she pointed a finger at him. The sun?? How did you protect yourself?

Angel looked down at the floor, tense as he murmured, I'm human, Buffy. I received a reward from the Powersthat Be at the finale of the End of Days fight. My reward was humanity, he finished quietly and she stood stockstill, absorbing the new shock to her already bruised system.

Wellthat's great. I mean, congratulations, she muttered, and drained the sink. It must make you happy.

He shrugged and watched her movements through lidded eyes. I pictured my humanity asdifferent, Isuppose.

She didn't even ask what he meant. She knew. He had pictured it with them, together, as a happy couple. Doingall the normal things that couples do. Didn't he get that she wasn't normal and never would be? That happiness


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eluded her at every roll of the dice? Didn't he understand that she was doomed? That she was scarred? Pressinga hand to her eyes, she wiped away the sudden burning tears and took off her apron, hanging it on the hook bythe door.

I really have to go, she informed him and he touched her shoulder briefly. The slight contact made her tremble,and her skin flooded with hot colour.

I'll walk you, he offered, and she shrugged her slim shoulders with resignation. She could see he was

determined.

Stepping out into the cooling air, she inhaled the sweet scent of Venice. Glancing at the canal off to her right, shebegan to walk down the Campos Stefano, ignoring Angel. As they strolled, the backs of their hands brushedevery so often, and Buffy's mind became so muddled she could barely think. He shouldn't be here. Where shewas. It was wrong.

Buffy had built such a firm existence by herself, that anyone from her past life scared her. This was her future hewas stepping all over. This was her goddamn life. She didn't want it taken away from her. It was blissful, living inItaly. No restrictions, no patrolling, no rules, no ties. She could pick up and leave whenever she wanted. It wasempty. There was silence in her life.

Do you want to know how everyone is? he asked, and she closed her eyes briefly, the thought of all her oldfriends sending a jolt of pain slicing through her insides.

Sure.

Willow and Tara are running the Magic Shop, he began and she cut in immediately.

What about Giles?

He moved back to England when it became clear that you weren't coming back Angel paused. I think it justgot too painful for himto stay in Sunnydale.

Buffy nodded, ignoring the lump in her throat. Are Will and Tara still together then?

Wellyes, and no. Oz came back again. So they all sort oflive together now. A threesome kind of deal. I thinkWillow just couldn't choose again.

Oh, Buffy said, a little surprised. Huh. Whatever works for them, I guess. Wellcontinue.

Xander and Anya got married, he told her and Buffy looked up at him for the first time since they startedwalking.

Really? Never thought Xander would commitand to her, of all people. How'smy Mom?

Your mother iswell, she's doing a little better. She married again, Buffy.

WHAT? Buffy exclaimed, and stopped dead in her tracks. Angel nodded, saying quietly,

Things were very hard for herwhen you left. She was still weakand had Dawn to take care of. His name isMark Abrams. He's a great guy. A banker. And he makes your Mom happy. He's able to look after her and Dawn.

Buffy glanced down at the ground, her eyes studying the small grains of dirt that crept over the cobblestones.Do they haveany kids?

No, he answered gently and she breathed inaudibly, relieved for reasons she didn't even want to startanalysing. Your mothershe's fine, you know, with Mark and Dawnbut she misses you so much, Buffy. Shedoesn't understand how you could just pick up and leave

No one understands, she snapped and resumed walking, No one could get it. I had to leave, Angel. I can'texplain it. I just wanted to run. I don't even know if I was planning on staying away for a long time. But after awhile, the thought of going backit became alien.

But you came back the last time

Spinning to the side, her eyes spit fire at him. How the hell did you find out about that? I certainly never toldyou!'

Your friends told mewhen you ran away this time. Giles mentioned that you might have gone to LAagain. Ofcourse, I wanted to know what he meant by that, and they told me. Buffywe've never talked about that


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Burning bile swept up her throat and she choked it back. And we're not going to. I don't want to talk about that,Angel. She dreamed about it enough. Her brain screamed about it enough. No need to put those feelings intowords. Only in the blackest hours of the night had she allowed herself to weep over that. That moment when shehad kissed his salty lips, and stuck a sword though his heart. No, that wasn't up for a conversation topic.

Why didn't you to LA again? he inquired quietly and she laughed without humour.

Um, do I have stupid written across my forehead? You faltering, she attempted to continue, would have

known I was there. I meanwouldn't you have?

Yes, he confirmed. The reason they called me first was because they wanted to knowif you had come to me.They thoughtmaybe you were so upset over Rileyyou headed to LA to see me

Not likely, she sniffed and began to walk again, her brain whirling. Xander marriedher mother marriedGilesin EnglandAngel in Venice

That's what I said, he smiled slightly. Have you been in Venice all this time?

No, she answered, and sighed. New York City first, then London, Paris, Romeand then, Venice. I hadn'tplanned on staying that longbut the place where I work nightsI get excellent tipsso, I've stayed.

You never considered coming back to Sunnydale? he asked softly and she reached out a hand to low windowbox, and trailed her fingers through the red roses, which grew with abandon and climbed up the stone walllushly, adding a splash of colour to an otherwise dull building.

No, I didn't. And I knew I wouldn't ever go back when I ran into a vampire in an ally in Paris. I beat himbut itjust reminded me of why I could never go home again.

Did you leave because of Riley? he inquired in a blank tone. Ignoring him, she saw the flashing lights of theclub where she worked and walked faster, entering the dimly lit bar, named Paradiso Perduto. Heading into theback room, she quickly grabbed the proper clothes from the locker she kept there. She hoped Angel hadn't stuckaround. Her required waitressing outfit was a sleek black corseted dress, with a slim skirt, and white apron andfishnet stockings. Letting her hair down, she brushed it and watched the silken strands fall over her shouldersand back. Applying mascara and eye shadow in record time, she slicked some lip gloss on and took a quicksecond to glance in the mirror. She looked like a hooker. An expensive, very sultry, very sexy, hooker.

Slipping her feet into back stilettos, she walked out into the bar area and saw it was a busy night. She didn't seeAngel anywhere and breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he had gone back to his hotel, or something. Right afterwork, she was leaving. Maybe Spain would be her next destination.

The night spun by, and Buffy served more drinks and snacks than she could remember. Paradiso was a hit withthe artsy community, and since it was live music night, everyone had come out.

At the end of her shift, she counted out her tips and was about to head back into the staff room when she felt ahand on he arm. Vuoi ballare con me?

Flushing, she glanced up into Angel's dark eyes and felt herself drown. He had just asked her to dance with him,and the world was falling away. Forgetting her resolve to leave, to give up on yet another city, to ignore him, shenodded.

Yes, I will.

Just then the singer on stage began to sing an English song. Her voice was ghostly and it melted around eachlyric as Angel took Buffy's hand and led her out onto the dance floor. Sighing, she went into his embrace andtheir bodies touched, and she was shocked at the heat of his.

you're in the doors that keep revolvingthe sirens that keep screamingyou're in the flashing of the headlights

the things that I'm believing

His arms held her close, the muscles underneath his flesh flexing as he gripped her tiny body and Buffy was atonce tense and relaxed, as they swayed to the delicious melody.

you're in the water that I'm drinkingthe sound of 911The walls that protect meFrom the damage that you've doneIn this world you are with me

How could she be feeling this way? As if she was sinking into the pastas if she was feeling the future? His body


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was so strong, and it surrounded her. His scent filled her nostrils, and sent her reeling. It was all rushing insideher, as he murmured sweet utterances against her ear, and she felt her body melting into his.

But I walk this earth aloneand all I've ever knownis you are right beside meif I love you for a daythen blow my life away

Could I leave you behind me

Angel. It had always come back to him. She hadn't even realized it until recently. Until now. Until this moment,as they danced together to a song that seemed to speak straight from her soul. Buffy had always wanted to denywhat she felt for him. Had always been in such a hurry to move on. When he leftshe had moved on. But shehad never forgotten. His hands slid over her slender back, burning through her uniform, and she moved herfingers down his arms, felt the strength and power he still held. His lips were against her hair and she felt faint.Dizzily, she wondered whether this was such a good ideadancing with him

You're in the crashing of the windowsthe angels 'round the ceilingyou're in the fire in my bellythe fucked up way I'm feeling

God, she had to get away. Struggling with him, she felt him cup her face and gaze into her eyes. Buffy hemurmured, and it was Angel, and she couldn't resist. Their lips touched and she felt his cheek and the world washazy. Godgodit was like taking a long drink of water after being denied it for years. So sweetso darkso

simple and beautifulthis kissNOher mind was screaming and she wrenched away, running out of the club andout into the starry Venetian night. The song mocked her as she left

You're in the warning on the table the pills that disappear the whines as I'm talking the words you'll never hearIn this world you are with me

Girl, Weak: Part Three in "Fair Venice" series

Buffy ran. As fast as she could, along the fondamenta della Misericordia, over the Rialto Bridge, until she reachedher apartment overlooking the Moisorine. Panting, she bent double, trying to control her breathing. What had shebeen thinking? Kissing Angel? Dancing with him? Forgetting everything that she had planned for herselfherplans to leave Venice tonight

Grimacing at her own stupidity, Buffy leaned against the doors to the building, wanting nothing more than towalk upstairs, fix a sandwich and collapse into a hot bath.

Buffy, Angel said as sprinted up to where she stood. Look

No, she held up her hand and let all her breath out in a whoosh. You look. Angel, I'm done with Sunnydale.I'm done with my friends, my family. And I'm done with you. Go back andtell them I died.yeah, tell them Idied she laughed almost hysterically and he took a step forward, gripping her forearms.

Buffyyou can't hide forever, he said quietly, and she glanced up at him, her eyes hard and at the same timevulnerable.

I'm not hiding. This is my life, here. There's nothing for me back in Sunnydale, don't you get that? I don't likemy life there. And I'm not going back, she wrenched free of his grip and headed for the door. He caught herhand as if lay on the knob, and pulled her back against him.

I can't let you go, you know that, he muttered and she shook her head.

You had no trouble letting me go once, did you? Goodnight, Angel, she snapped and opened the door, shuttingit in his face and trekking up the stairs, her shoulders slumping as soon as she was out of sight.

She couldn't handle this. She didn't want to handle this. As she opened the door to her apartment, she breatheda sigh of relief. This was her haven, her solace, and she loved it.


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The walls were painted a light blue, so light it was like the sky directly after a stormnewly born, young andsweet. Dropping her bags in the little front hallway, she walked down it into the kitchen and headed immediatelyfor the stove, warming it for the soup she intended to make. Grabbing some bread and some turkey, lettuce andmustard, she fixed a quick sandwich, eating it as she ran a bath. This was her nightly ritual and it was comfortingin it's normalcy.

She peeled the clothes from her body, leaving them in a heap on her bedroom floor, taking her diary, a pen andcup of tomato basil soup into the bathroom. Stepping into her bathtub, she set her soup and diary down onto the

low table by it.

Leaning back, she dipped her head under the water, and enjoyed the warmth seeping into her bones. Nightscould be cool in Venice, and her muscles were sore from all the work. She took a sip of soup and swished itaround in her mouth, grabbing her diary and opening it.

Dear Diary,

I arrived in New York Today...

Those words caught her eye, and dropping her pen, Buffy lay back down, reading the sentences she had pennedfive years before.

I arrived in New York today, and it was different than I expected. The people are not as rude as they are shownon TV, and I haven't seen a single mugging! Maybe I should go into Central Park for that. I've been looking forwork all day, but thank God I had enough money to pay for a month's rent at this shitty excuse for anapartment. I wonder what's happening in Sunnydale. I can imagine, chaos.

Maybe I shouldn't have left. Maybe I should've done a lot of things.

I haven't thought about Riley much lately. I wonder where he is. He never said, when he gave me thatultimatum. It was basically, Need me or I'm leaving. I don't know what else he wanted? I tried to give himeverything, despite what Xander says.

His comments about Angel pissed me off so much. I haven't seen him in so long. It feels like forever since westood in that hallway, and I was a bitch, and he was apologetic and we made with the nice for a little while. Canthat really be six months ago? Well, actually must be close to seven months now. I remember when I didn't go aday without seeing him. Doesn't THAT seem like a long time ago

I miss him so much lately. I'll be doing completely random things, and he will just spring into my mind. He mustbe doing great in LA. I thought about going there, but I think the need to see him would be too great.

I don't even know if I still love him anymore. Every time I think about him I get this quick pain in my chest and

stomach. It's dulled, over the years, but it's still there. I should have moved on. Isn't that the cool thing to do?The modern thing to do? What do I need? Closure, or something. Yeah, right. That almost makes me laugh.

This reminds me of the last time I ran. When I went to LA and was Anne. That's what I'm gonna call myselfhere to. I like the sound of that name. It's safe. It's not Buffy.

Buffy's dead. I have to remember that. I can't think of myself as the girl in Sunnydale anymore. New York isdefinitely a place where you could lose yourself. That's what I want. To be no one.

Lots of guys checked me out when I was walking down the street. Some tried to be subtle, but it didn't work. Idon't want anyone right now. Not even Riley. If he walked back into my life, I don't know what I would do.Probably smack him. Then maybe tell him I can't need him the way he wants me to? God, he was so stupid to dothat with those vampires. I can't ever look at him the same way.

Last night I dreamed of Sunnydale. I was on a beach with the gang. We are all laughing, and happy. It was justme, Will, Xand, Cordy and Giles. Oz was there to, strangely. And guess who else? Angel. It was strange. Sun wasapparently no prob. I was sitting on his lap and every few moments I would kiss him. He smiled so much. And so

did I. So much my face hurt. But it was a good hurt. Will and Oz were all couply, and Xand and Cordy bickered.Giles just looked content.

And then this huge wave came, and swept us away. I tried to hold onto Angel, but he wiggled away from me, hewas so slippery, and I ended up on this beach, alone, with no one. I cried when I woke up..

I cry a lot lately. I'm turning into a wuss. Or maybe my eyes just got tired of holding it all in

I don't know

Love, Buffy


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Ignoring the copious tears that streamed down her face, Buffy dropped the diary on the floor and picked up hersoup, drinking deeply to warm the suddenly cold space in her chest.

~~~

Buffy woke the next morning to sunlight playing across her face, slanting in from her half-closed drapes.Stretching her muscles, she said a little prayer in thanks that she didn't have to work that day and wriggledunder the covers with enjoyment.

Usually she would sleep in, but she wanted to get some shopping done. She was in serious need of food andsome wine. She figured maybe she would get drunk today and lie around, singing and dancing. That would gether mind off of

Buffy shook her head to dispel the thoughts, getting out of bed and taking a leisurely shower, washing her hairand body with the vanilla products she adored, and then slipped on denim capris and a black tank top. She curledher hair and left it down, slipping on black slides and shades to complete her ensemble.

Humming under her breath, she opened the door to the building and ran smack into Angel.

OkayI'm pretty sure stalking is illegal here as well as the US, she snarled at her former lover, and he held uphis hands in defence.

I told you I couldn't let you go, he said simply and then cocked his head to one side. You going to work?

Shopping, she informed him crisply and began to walk in the direction of the market. He fell into stride beside

her, and she looked up at him with supreme annoyance.

Angelplease, I don't need this. Can't you just go back to Sunnydale? Please? she pleaded, her eyes imploring.You don't understandI can't go back there

Explain it to medid you leave because of Riley? he asked her, point blank and she shuddered, not able toavoid the question.

Riley's habit of getting eaten by vampires did contributeand his leaving did tobut it wasn't Rileyit was mylife as a whole. She faltered, and their eyes locked, drowned and burned. Buffy tore her gaze away and staredfixedly ahead of her. It wasoh godI don't even know! Okay? I just had to go. I had to leave, and have anormal life! I had to escape!

You left to have a normal life? he picked up on the most important thing she had said and Buffy nodded,scuffing the ground as she walked.

The air was thick with the scent of the climbing roses that infused the buildings with pinks and reds, whites and

yellows. Buffy glanced upwards, watching as a woman hung her wash out to dry, and another beat a rug over herbalcony. Through the openings between the houses, she could see gondolas passing, crammed with tourists, whohad no idea the most efficient way to get around was either to walk or take a waterbus.

After a long moment, she began to speak. I got tired of being the one that everyone counted on. I mean, itsounds like a great title, but when it's yours, suddenly the great is not so great. I justwanted something else. Iwanted something different. Angelwhen you left she paused and he lay a hand on her arm reassuringly.

When you left she continued softly, I stopped being the same person I had always been. It wasn't aconscious thing, but it happened. And suddenly I slept with Parker and he dumped me like I was a cheap whoreand then I met Riley. Who was, God knows, sweet and nice and all that. But he never completed me. He neverunderstood me.

Is that why you left? he inquired quietly and she shook her blonde head, her hair ruffling in the warm breezethat swept over them.

No she trailed off as they reached the market. Help me carry? she asked, determined to stop the twenty

questions for now. With a wry grin, Angel picked up a basket similar to hers. Buffy filled it with sun kissedoranges, ripe juicy plums, yellow bananas, a huge leaf of romaine lettuce, cheese, olive oil and three bottles ofwine.

As Buffy tested the firmness of some tomatoes, she watched Angel secretly, as he set about choosing the perfectwatermelon for her. Her heart cried outhe was so familiarthe lines of his bodythe curve of his back, theshape of his neckhis dark bedroom eyes, the soft, full mouth. She had barely even reconciled with the fact thathe was human. It didn't matter. It COULDN'T matter.

She didn't know what she was going to do. Obviously she couldn't leave Venice. He would find her again in asecond. And she couldn't lose him in this city. It was so crammed and tiny, she would never escape him. Buffyput a roast chicken into her basket and wondered if she wanted to escape him. Looking at him nowit was


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impossible to imagine life without him again.

Damnitdamnitdamnit she muttered under her breath. It was just like him. Coming back into her life,making her fall at his feet like some lovesick puppy.

Well I'm not a puppy!

I know that, Angel said as he came up beside her, and dropped a watermelon in with the chicken. His smile was

teasing and she knew he had guessed what she was thinking. Blushing, she swatted him and handed him thebasket.

You pay, she grinned and he shrugged, a serious glint in his eyes. An almostsensual one.

Anything you want, Buffy.

I wanted you to never leave me her mind screamed as she gazed at him, walking up to the counter andbestowing a charming half-smile on the lady manning the cash register. I wanted you to be my future

But you left and so I made my own future Buffy thought, and felt a tear slide into her eye, burning, burning, it'sscalding heat making her yearn to weep. Making her want to slide to the ground and gag with sobs. She neededto let go.

She needed Angel. But that was something she would never admit. It was weakness, needing someone. Makingyourself vulnerable to them.

Buffy was never weak. For five years she had made a life for herself. To go back would be a failure. And she wassure it would kill her. She couldn't face everyone. How could she? WillowGod. Willow must hate her. AndXanderhe would be so angry. For some reason it hurt the most when she thought of Giles. Her Watcher, hermentor, her Father in so many ways.

What would Giles say if she just showed up at his house in England? Did she have the strength for that kind ofmeeting? Could she face him?

She didn't know, and that scared her. Not knowing.

Ready to go? Angel returned with her purchases, and stared into her eyes. She looked back at him, uneasy,uncertain.

She loved him.

But he might leave again.

And Buffy knew she could never survive that.

Girl, Escapes: Part Four in "Fair Venice" series

Buffy and Angel strolled through Venice, back to Buffy's apartment, in charged silence. A breeze washed over herface and she inhaled the scent of the hibiscus growing in the window boxes, mixing in with the ever-presentclimbing roses. It was simply too beautiful a day to even consider fighting, or crying, or antagonizing Angel.

Would you like to come up? Have some food? You doeat food now, right? she asked hesitantly and he half-smiled, taking the other basket from her while she stuck her key in the lock.

Yes, food is what I eat now, he responded gently and followed her upstairs to her apartment.

It's a little messy, she explained, leading him through the hallway to the terrace, which overlooked theMoisorine River, and was flooded with warm sunshine. But we can sit out here

He nodded and lowered his body gracefully into one of the ornate white chairs, glancing out at the river, seeingthe gondolas, dipping in and out of the water, the weathered faces of the oarsmen weary in the morning glow.Angel smiled as he saw a woman singing as she opened the windows of her home, her sweet voice lingering inthe air. A certain beauty about Venice touched his heart.


10/18

Buffy returned from the kitchen with a bowl of salad and a plate of cheese and fruit. She carried a bottle of wineand two glasses, setting them down on the table between them. I'm quite the l ittle homemaker now, shemocked herself, smiling wryly as she sat down and used a screw to pop the cork.

You had to survive somehow, he responded, taking a leisurely sip from the wine glass she offered, enjoying theslightly sweet taste of the grapes, and the feel of the sun slanting over his neck.

She slipped on her shades and gulped some wine. I did, she agreed, realizing they were on a touchy subject.She knew he wanted to know all about her journeys and travels, but she wasn't ready to tell all. Her guts weretoo fragile to be spilled. She just wanted to revel in the Venetian morning, and let her troubles dissolve away.

He seemed to sense her desire for peace, and said, Do you want to hear what I've been doing?"

Sure, she answered gratefully, and sat back, sipping her wine with pleasure.

After you left he paused, I made Sunnydale my second home. Your Mom and Giles needed help. The Slayingwas a problem, so I took over in that respect. Xander and Willow tried to help, but they don't have the strengththing, so it was difficult. It went on for about three years, until the End of Days fight. Giles left afterwards, and Iwas human, so it was very different. My company dissolved.

I bet Cordy was pissed, Buffy smiled, shaken by what he had said. Somehow when she left, she hadn'timagined life going on without her. It was strange, but it was as if she had expected Sunnydale to remain frozenin time, until she went back, and life could resume.

Not really, he said thoughtfully, and grinned. She's actually doing great with the show biz stuff. She has a lotof roles in plays, which is not what she thought she'd be doing he took another sip of wine and closed his eyes,leaning back. Another Slayer was called to finish off the remaining vampires.

I thought that could only happen when I was dead, she said, surprised. He nodded, and grabbed a section oforange, biting into the sweet fruit pensively.

The Council made an exception. You were presumed dead. That was enough. Anyway, the new Slayer is namedJulianne. She's nice.

Nice? Buffy repeated, feeling a jolt of jealousy run through her with sickening force.

He arched a brow and smiled at her. Yeah, nice, Buffy. She's nice. Anyway, after the End of Days, the Hellmouthwas sealed. So she just has to finish of the vampires that still remain. I started to travel when she arrived. Wehadn't been able to trace youbut I figured you might come to Europe.

Why?

Wellit has that freedom aspect. It's so huge that you could get lost in it, and you probably thought we wouldnever find you here.

How did you find me? she asked, pouring herself her fourth glass of wine. He was finished his second andreached for the bottle as well.

I asked around. Showed your picture to everyone I could think of. I lucked out. This random customs guy at anairport in Rome recognized you

Guy with really short hair and disgusting thin lips? she snapped, and when Angel nodded, sighed. He tried toget me to sleep with himugh she shuddered, the thought revolting her. Not one of my finest moments.

Angel smiled at her distaste and then asked in a blank tone, Do youhavea boyfriend?

Husband and three kids actually, she giggled, slurring her words a little. Want some more wine?

Sure, he replied, and she got up to get another bottle, filling his glass with shaky fingers. Buffydo you have aboyfriend?

She tensed and then sighed, shrugging her shoulders. No. I haven't had one since Riley left. Mostly I've justkept to myselfI have gone out on a few dates, but nothing serious. Besides, men out herenot the same asCalifornia guys she yawned, and tapped her forehead. I'm dizzy.

You're drunk, he confirmed, with a grin. Focusing on him, she shook her head.

I am not! Tossing back another glass, she picked up the bottle and drank some more, collapsing onto his lap ina heap of arms and legs and spilled wine. Want some? she asked, her voice little and girlish.


11/18

He laughed and took the bottle from her. Noand if you don't want to have a huge headache lateryou won'thave any more either.

Mm she groaned, and swayed to the side. He caught her, holding her close as her head lolled. DizzyAngel she murmured, and saw the world as if she was underwater, as if the world was pressing on her head. Ican't standup she groaned and he gripped her arms.

That's cause you're drunk, love, he said gently, and picked her up in his arms. Why don't I put you to bed and

you can sleep this binge off?

You gonna sleep with me? she asked, pressing her lips to his warm neck. Angel jerked away and controlled hisbreathing with effort.

It's going to be an alone kind of sleep, he informed her, kicking open the door to her bedroom. Here you go,he whispered, laying her down on the crisp white sheets and taking off her shoes. Dreamily, she lay back andreached up to touch his cheek. Gimme a kiss.

He brushed her forehead lightly with his mouth and smoothed her hair. Sleep, love

With a faint sigh, she closed her bleary eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

Angel watched her for long moments, delighting in the way she looked as she slept, the way her eyelashesfluttered, evidence that she was dreaming. After a while, he went outside and cleared away the wine and food,taking it to the kitchen, cleaning up as he put away the groceries. Passing by the kitchen table, he saw his name

Angel

And stopped to look. It was her diary. Open to a page with his name on it. Should he look? He knew the answerto that question was a resounding NO. But why was it out here on the table? Did she want him to look at it? Heknew Buffy was perfectly capable of leaving it out for him to see. But she was also forgetful, and she might havesimply not remembered it was there.

That was when he noticed the note beside it.

Angel,

I'm leaving Venice tonight, and I'm going somewhere where you will never be able to find me. I have to do this,please understand. But I'm leaving you my diary to read. It's finished anyway, just tonight, and I want you tohave it. It's really private, and embarrassing, and it's cost me a lot to leave it here. But I wanted you to know allthe things I can't tell you to your face, so here is my diary. I promise it's not boring! Well, not all of it!

Please forgive me for this.

Buffy

He slumped into a nearby chair, not really surprised by what he read in the letter. He deduced that she musthave been leaving tonight or the night before, but changed her mind for some reason. By the date he knew it hadbeen written last night. So she had wanted him to read the diary.

Picking it up, he scanned the page thoughtfully, taking in her messy scrawl and the numerous doodles in themargins. He wanted to read it, and at the same time did not want to read it. It was so intensely private andpersonal. But if she wanted him to? Maybe it would give him an insight on what she was feeling.

Focusing on the page, he began to read

Dear Diary,

I arrived in London today. Can you believe? Land of lots of tea. New York didn't work for me. Too many roaches,and my boss was a pervert. He actually tried to feel me up once in full view of all the customers. I slapped him

with all my might and quit. Gotta love that Slayer strength. It comes in handy.

With all the money I had, and by pawning my jewellery, I managed to buy a ticket to London. Heathrow was sobusy and alien. Lots of people with places to go. Sometimes I feel lost.

I got a job right away. As a waitress. Do I do anything else anymore? Seems my life is coffee and aprons, andbeing called, Excuse me? Ha. Well, I'm lonely. But London's beautiful, and I feel myself falling for it. The peopleare a little snobby, but it might just be the accents. I did the tour today, went to Buckingham Palace and sawKensington Palace as well. I gripped the back and gold gates and thought about Princess Diana for a moment. Icried when she died. It was horrible and so sudden. It reminded me that anything is possible.

The weather is rainy, matching my mood. I haven't met anyone, and that's the way I like it. I don't want to exist


12/18

to anyone. Just being alone is great.

I thought of Angel today and dreamed of him last night. I wonder what he's doing right now. Probably brooding.Ha. I have to laugh about him, cause the memories are getting so painful I want to scream. It's as if I'm notcomfortable in my own skin. I want to climb out of it and run free. I still feel trapped. An ocean between me andSunnydale and I still feel connected to it in so many ways. But I can't go back. Not now. It's been a year and ahalf since I left and it's over. My life there is over.

Sometimes I think about Willow and Xander, and I imagine what they thought about my leaving. I know Xanderwould be mad and think I was irresponsible, but it's really cause he has this thing where he can't believe I woulddo anything wrong. He thinks of me as 'invincible Buffy', you know, Strong Girl, and all that, and he doesn't getthat I'm weak, just like everyone else. My Mom must be so upset, and that makes me cry to think about. I feelhorrible about her and Dawn, and they are the reasons that make me think of going back. But as more time goesby, I realize it wouldn't work.

Giles. It kills to think of how I failed him. He is like my father, and yet I just ran out without telling him. God, hewill be so angry, and I know he'll feel guilty, he'll think that he did something wrong. But it was nothing he did.It's me. Always me. Stupid Buffy.

As for Angelgod I love him, and I regret leaving him. But it sounds so stupid to say that, cause I didn't leavehim. We haven't been together for a long time, by his choice. At night I dream about him, and he holds me andit's perfect. Nothing can be like that in reality, so nights are nice. I wish we were just a normal couple, that couldbe together, forever. You know, like in poems and movies. I read a lot of Jewel lately. Some of her stuff sucks(I'll admit it) but most of it is so emotional, and I can relate in small ways to it. Funny, but this trip has made memore introspective. (Hello! Big word I just used!) I think a lot more. Less action in my li fe, now. Anyway, this

Jewel poem really speaks to me:

Road Spent

I could stand to be alone for some timeLose myself in white noiseSlip into the blurContemplate the color yellowRight nowI just don't handle splashes too wellOr too many teeth

Around me all at onceArmed like guns with something to sayUrgent whispersHoarse restraintQuiet as paper cutsPeople steal me away

Cart my flesh off in tiny crimson pilesMy bones have been soreRattling against each otherIn their anaemic cageRavens circlingIt's-time to-go it's-time to-goSomeplace full of surfFull of flat blue skyFull of shuuushBy Jewel

The truth is that I want silence. I crave emptiness. After all these years of screaming for Angel, and fucking Riley,and wanting to be anywhere but where I was, I need peace. I haven't been the same since he left me. Angel, Imean. When he left, I did shut down. I went about life, doing all the motions, finding a boyfriend, slaying thevampires, and having a good time. But inside I was dead.

Sometimes I wish I had died. When he left me, I wish I had. Maybe when he drank me, he should have left me

there. I could have left him, instead of him leaving me.

Well this time I did. I left. And now he's got to find me. I sometimes wish he would.

And then sometimes I want to stay lost. It's safer.

Love, Buffy

Angel set the diary down, ignoring the bitter tears that streaked his face, and walked over to the door of herroom, looking in at her sleeping form. She was tiny, under the covers, her mouth closed, her chest rising andfalling with each sweet breath.


13/18

She was so tiny. Just a girl.

He loved her. Sometimes he had put her on a pedestal. But really, she was just a girl. Lost, like everyone else.

Girl, Dreams: Part Five in "Fair Venice" series

A pounding headache woke Buffy that evening, and as she opened her eyes, she saw the moonlight casting itsglow about the room. The gentle lapping of the Moisorine against the sides of the building and the soft noise ofthe creaking gondolas were the only sounds in the still night.

Groaning softly, she padded from the bed and pulled off her clothes, the denim feeling too tight against her skin.Slipping on a beige cotton sundress, she headed into the kitchen, wondering if Angel was still around. She didn'tremember much, but she was pretty sure he had put her to bed. Otherwiseit was a blank.

Angel? she called softly.

Out here, Buffy, he responded from the balcony, and she walked over, the transparent drapes blowing in thewarm breeze. He sat, sipping a glass of chilled water, and simply watching the canal with fixed eyes. Hey,

sleepyhead, he murmured, and she smiled slightly, sitting down beside him.

How long have I been out?

'Bout seven hours, he glanced at his watch. Give or take.

Oh God! Buffy exclaimed ruefully, pressing a hand to her throbbing forehead. That wine sure did a number onme. What did you do all day?

I went and bought us some dinnerall you have here is that rabbit food you picked up at the market, heslanted her a grin and she swatted him.

That is good food! she protested and then sank down in her chair, giggling. Ok, I'll admit, living with hardly anmoney taught me to only eat healthy and small.

He clasped his fingers around her delicate wrist and squeezed lightly. You're tiny, he remarked and she flushed,pulling away.

I've always been smalland hey, I can kick your ass any day, she reminded him and he laughed, takinganother sip of water.

You're right.

So what did you get for dinner? she asked eagerly, and he stood up, going into the kitchen and collecting themeals from the oven where he kept them warm.

Spreading a tablecloth out, he set down her bowl, and plate and then his own. As she smelled the food, herstomach rumbled, reminding her that she had barely eaten today. Angel had prepared a thick shell pasta, with amozzarella and chicken sauce, heavily sprinkled with Parmesan. On the side was a garden salad, grated over withcarrots, sprinkled with tomatoes and doused liberally in an olive oil based dressing.

When did you become Chef of the month? she inquired with a raised eyebrow, taking a bite of the pasta. Itmelted in her mouth, the pillowy softness of the noodle and the rich sauce exploding against her taste buds. Ohmy God she breathed and he smiled. This is amazing

I took a few courses, after the humanity thing kicked in, he told her. I didn't get to have any food for twohundred and some years. It was a huge priority at first.

I can imagine, she said, taking another bite of the heavenly concoction. Godfood is a good. I'd forgotten,what with all the years of starving.

They ate in comfortable silence for a few moments, and when Buffy was done, she sat back and patted herstomach. Any gum handy? she asked, and he looked startled.

Why?


14/18

Sauce was garlicky. I don't want to scare you away with my evil breath.

Smiling, he took a pack from his wallet and took a stick himself. Buffy stood up and leaned against the rail,watching the waters of the canal lap quietly against the aged buildings. Angel joined her, their bodies closetogether, breathing almost as one. Why did you leave, Buffy?

She jerked at the blunt question, and turned away. I don't want to talk about it.

He grabbed her arm and spun her back around. Tell me.

Tears spurted from her eyes as she stared up at him, realizing he was not going to give up. I wanted to be theone to leave.

What?

She felt her ribs begin to crack from the weight of her heart, so heavy with things not said. I justI wanted tobe the one moving forward. It seems like my whole life everyone else has been moving aheadbut I'm stuck.You left Angel, and got this great new life. Then Cordy did, and joined youand she's like your best friend nowher voice broke as she continued, And Oz left to figure things out and Willow became a lesbian like, overnightthen Xander got all manly and annoying, and tried to tell me what to do and feel. Riley felt like my safety netyou knowthe one person who wasn't going to change. Who was going to make sure I wasn't alone for the restof my life. You know, Slayers are supposed to be alone she laughed without humour and sat down, staringblankly at the water. But then he bailed. Because I didn't 'need' him. Because he didn't feel like I could givemyself to himhe left, and I was alone, and my mother had almost died, and my sister wasn't my sisterand Ileft. I ran away. So, there, happy? she asked, looking up at him bleakly.

No, I'm not happy, Buffy. Because you're not happy, he said hoarsely and then knelt down in front of her. Ididn't have a great new life in LA. I existed. I barely existed. Yes, Cordy became my best friendbut she neverreplaced you. Buffy, you were my lover, my greatest friend, my biggest supportermy only love through all mytwo hundred forty three years. When I leftI didn't realize how great an impact it would have. I thought I wasdoing a good thing. Giving you a chance for a normal life

I'll never have a normal life! she cried. Don't you get that? Can you please get that through your fucking thickhead? Normal doesn't work for me, Angel! In fact, it seems to make people crazy. Witness my normal boyfriend,suddenly developing a vampire fetish! And then splitting, just like that She buried her face in her hands andwept, great shuddering sobs that wracked her small body. Ionlyeverwantedyou! she forced out betweensobs, and he took her in his arms, rocking her, soothing her with murmurs in his native language, murmurs thatmeant nothing to her, but calmed her down.

I'm so sorry he groaned against her hair. Shakily he stroked her back, and she pressed closer to him, inhalinghis scent.

It's not your fault, she muttered. It never would have worked. I get that. But I don't forgive that you left. Ijust can't.

Standing up, Angel reached out a hand to her. Dance with me?

What? she exclaimed, wiping the tears from her cheeks. Now?

Now, he said softly, and took her hands, helping her up. No musicjust us and the moon.

She wanted to be angry. She wanted to smack him. But more than anything else in the world, she wanted to bein his embrace. And so she took a step forward, curving her body against his, and felt his arms go around her.Together, they swayed to a sweet tune in their heads.

Pressing her face against his chest, she let out a long shuddering sigh and relaxed in his arms. Sweet. So sweet.

~~~

In the bath later, Buffy sipped steaming camomile tea and wondered if she had gone completely nuts. Dancingwith Angelagain? At least they hadn't kissed. He had left after helping her clean up, and not made any mentionof seeing her again. She wondered if he was going back to Sunnydale. Maybe he would.

Picking up her finished diary, she opened it to a random page and began to read. She had taken to reading herdiaries once she was finished them, just to get a better grasp on what her feelings had been at certain times.

Hello Paris!

Well diary, I finally left London, not a huge shocker, considering I was getting restless. London was great, but Ididn't fit in there.


15/18

I've been reading a lot of Shakespeare lately. Willow would laugh if she knew. I'm turning into quite the scholar.Must be all the extra time on my hands. Finished Romeo and Juliet today.

~~ underneath the grove of sycamore so early walking did I see your son many a morning hath he there beenseen with tears augmenting the fresh morning's dew~~

Gotta love Will! I gotta say, my favourite quote is: is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, tooboisterous, and it pricks like thorn

God, I feel like I'm back at school. No, seriously, I'm enjoying the reading habit. Paris is interesting, and veryartsy. I read somewhere that it's the center of the art world, and I believe it. I went to the Louvre today. I feltlike I should. Isn't it likeexpected when you go to Paris? Anyway, the Mona Lisa was nothing to write homeabout. Very tiny and it was so crowded by touristsanyway, disappointment there. I've been walking around alot, and already found a job at a small caf that has a large tourist business, so they like that I speak English.

Sunnydale seems so far away I can barely believe it exists. I've left it all behind, for this life that I'm not evencertain about. I can't stay in Paris for the rest of my life. Oh GodI am lost.

I had another dream last night. I know, I have them all the time, maybe I have a problem. Angel and me werewalking down this crowded street, and it was dark. But people were partying all around us, drinking andlaughing, but it was not of the fun. They all had masks on and they were bumping into us, until finally we weresurrounded, and I got carted off. It was horrible, like a nightmare. I wish I would stop dreaming about him. It

just makes this harder. Harder to pretend that I don't think about him all the time. You know, I thought time wassupposed to heal all wounds. This one is turning into a huge bruise that I can't escape from. Sometimes I wish hewould find me, and then I wonder if he's even looking. Maybe he thinks I'm dead. Maybe they all do. I don't

know.

Time is going by, and I feel so lonely. I haven't had a date in years and the scary thing is, I don't even want one.I don't think of Riley at all anymore. I wouldn't know what to say to him if I saw him.

I found another poem by Jewel, and when I read it, I immediately thought of Angel.

New Moon

I am in love with a man who is gone nowHunting for visionHis bones know the scent of itHis hands full of intuition

And praiseWhat he lacks, he seeks

And I watch him from my hillAs he treads the countryside

And splits the great and fertile valleysLike the hips of a womanHe has loved for centuriesIn so many forms

As an eagleA warriorA stoneI love himOver thereFar from MeBy Jewel

I thought I saw him yesterday, as I was walking down the street. Just for a split second, and I whirled around. Idon't know what I would have done if it was him. Kissed him? Ran? Told him I would die if he ever left meagain? But I turned, and there was no one there.

Love, Buffy

Taking a sip of tea, and then dunking her head under water, she wiped her cheeks. What was she crying for? Thewoman she had been then? Or the woman she was now? All she knew was that both were lonely, and bothdreamed of the same man each night.

Girl, Believes: Last Part in "Fair Venice series"


16/18

Rating: NC 17 (adults only please!)

After work the next night, Buffy trekked from the bar, rubbing her sore arms and walking in the direction of herapartment, inhaling the sweet scent of the Venetian night. The soft lapping of the canals was music to her ears

after the harsh blare of the bands in the club.

She hadn't seen Angel all day, though, granted, she had been working constantly. Buffy broke into a jog, herlong blonde hair streaming behind her like a bolt of golden silk, her legs pumping as she flew along the narrowstreet, trailing her fingers against the flowers that grew everywhere.

Laughing at the sheer joy of running, her heart pounded as she rounded the corner to her building and ranstraight into the arms of Angel. He grabbed her, holding her steady as she laughed against his chest, looking upinto his eyes. Their gazes locked and Buffy's giggles abruptly stopped as she saw the fire in his eyes. Withouteven thinking, she pulled his neck down and kissed him.

He gasped as their lips touched, and still holding her, he took the key from her pocket and unlocked theapartment door. She pulled at his shirt and they walked up the stairs, their bodies entwined, their lips meetingand caressing, their legs stumbling as they tried to reach her place. Buffy stopped only to open the door, and hebacked her in, as she pushed his T-shirt up and off, running her hands down his chest, purring deep down in herthroat as more and more smooth, muscular flesh was revealed.

Let's go into the bedroom, he half-laughed at her eagerness, and picked her up, carrying her through andlaying her gently on the bed. She smiled up at him, pulling him down and kissing him, their lips hungry anddesperate, as he divested her of her clothes quickly and she did the same to him. Oh God she moaned at thefirst touch of naked skin on naked skin.

It was electric, and she couldn't get enough. Angel tunnelled his fingers in her locks, holding her cheeks so hecould kiss her slowly, passionately, his tongue tracing her teeth and the insides of her mouth. Stroking her handsdown his back and chest, she moaned as his lips left hers, leaving them red, swollen and open. Bending his head,he ran his tongue down her neck, to her collarbone, tasting her skin with pleasure, until she whimpered andtwined her fingers through his hair, bringing his head to her breasts. Smiling slightly, he dragged his tongueacross one nipple, watching it swell and poke out with hungry anger. Please she moaned and he reached withhis hand to touch her lips as he took her nipple into the hot wetness of his mouth, sucking just the way she liked,hard, then soft, deep and slow.

Buffy's lips closed over his finger and she flicked it with her tongue, groaning as Angel's mouth pulled at herother nipple, sending bolts of fire deep through her body. Mmm she murmured as he left her breasts, kissinghis way down her belly, and opening her legs with his gentle hands, burying his face between her thighs, and

inhaling her musky scent. Dragging his tongue down her cleft, he filled her tightness with one finger, then twoand finally three, crooking them inside her, and smiling as she gasped with desire. Driving his hot tongue againsther clit, he thrust into her with his fingers, and she spread her legs as wide as she could, moaning and writhingbeneath his sweet mouth.

OHHH she screamed, her eyes closed, her body rushing as he slammed his fingers roughly inside her, histongue moving fast and hard against her clit, until her entire body convulsed and she came around his mouth andfingers. Angel swept his tongue over her inner thighs, licking the wetness there, kissing her tenderly to sootheher.

Buffy grinned as she came back to herself, grabbing his arms, and forcing him back, straddling his chestplayfully. You want me? she teased and his eyes sparkled as he gazed up at her.

Always, he breathed and she lowered her head, trailing her tongue down his chest and stomach, exploringevery muscled inch of him, from his flat brown nipples, to his hard stomach. Feeling his cock brush her cheek,she grasped it with her soft, hot fingers and closing her mouth about the bulging head.

He groaned, his head lolling back, as he ran his hands through her silken hair. Tasting him, she sucked hard anddeep, feeling his length swell and harden even more in her mouth, as she wet him with her tongue. Ravenous forhim, she rammed him to the back of her throat, taking as much as she could, sucking and licking as he throbbedagainst her lips, his groans filling the room.

Buffy he moaned and she looked up at him, I want tobe inside you She slid up his body and he rolled herover gently, opening her thighs and slamming between them quickly, wonderfully, her body exploding aroundhim as soon as he had driven all the way up inside her. Cupping his hands around her face, he kissed her,moving with her as the bones of their hips grinded together, swallowing each other's moans in their mouths. Ilovelove you he choked out with clenched teeth, and she reached up blindly with her hands, touching his faceas their eyes locked.


17/18

Ilove you she groaned as she came for a third time, contracting around him, which sent him flying over theedge into bliss.

Collapsing together, they lay in a tangle of arms and legs, their bodies slick with sweat and heat as they fellasleep, breathing as one.

~~~

Buffy awoke to a silent room. Sitting up, she glanced over and was relieved to see Angel still sleeping peacefully,his face still with contentment, his hand stretched out toward her. She wasn't sure how she felt about what hadhappened. It had been an impulse. She had looked up into his eyes and for once felt free.

Reaching over to the bedside table, she closed her fingers around her diary and opened it. She had become veryinterested in reading her old thoughts lately, and right now she needed guidance. Maybe she would find itbetween these pages.

Dear Diary,

Well, I got into Rome today. It's so huge and busy, no at all like I expected. Maybe I thought everyone would berunning around in togas. I'm not sure. I rented a small car, because I actually do have quite a bit of money leftover from Paris. I pretty much lived on bread and cheese there, and the tourists tip really well. Not like I'm flushwith cash, but I have enough at the moment. I rented a small apartment in the City, and it's so beautiful. There'sa fountain in the courtyard, and flowers growing everywhere. Now I know why they call it Bella Roma.

I read Hamlet last night. That book always makes me cry. Although I don't really know why. Usually Ophelia

annoys people, and to some extent she irritates me, but her despair is tragic. Maybe I'm just relating, you know,to her wanting a man she can never have.

I haven't thought about Sunnydale in weeks, but I still think about him. My Angel. Funny, he seems like a ghostnow. Just an image. I haven't seen him in so long that it feels surreal. It's as if I'm on a different planet. Iwonder what he's doing, and how everyone else is, and if they miss me and still wonder about me.

I ran into a vampire in Paris. It was the night before I left, and I was walking through an ally to get to myapartment. My instincts are still sharp, cause I could smell it. I didn't have a stake so I had to snap its neck. Itwas almost scary. It felt like a dream. I hadn't forgotten about vamps, but I guess I trained myself to forget thataspect of my life.

So many people call me Anne now that I'm starting to forget who I am. It's weird, you know? I'm in this wholeother person's skin. Anne. Who is that? She's me, I guess, or another side of me. I don't feel like Buffy anymore.I wonder who I am now.

Oh God, my brain is getting confused. It must be all the extra time by myself. I find myself drifting back into

memories. Which I haven't ever let myself do. But sometimes I think about Faith. About the girl who was like mysister, my best friend, my partner in crime. She knew everything about being a Slayer. She knew what it was liketo take out a nest of vampires and feel that surging of power, that feeling that you're invincible. I think she justdidn't know how to stop. How to be sane. Faith. When I think about her it hurts. She's in jail now, and I feelsorry for her. Because she was born with this shitty duty as well as me, and everything becomes complicated.

I think about being a Slayer more and more. What does it mean? Am I human? I wonder sometimes. In thatdream I had a few years ago, when I was faced with the first Slayer, I was in that room with Riley and Adam,and I said, We're not demons. Are we though? What are Slayers, and why do we do what we do? I want tobelieve I am human, I want to believe that I have a chance to be normal. And maybe this is my chance. Awayfrom the Mouth of Hell, away from my family, maybe I can be just a girl.

Angel once told me that we have to fight, but we never win. That depressed me when I was younger, because Iwanted to win. I wanted to finally beat the bad guys and then go home and have a cup of hot chocolate and ditchthe stakes. I wanted to go over to the mansion and sleep with Angel, and feel everything that a normal couplefeels, without the restraint. He said that I would care about the sex someday, and I have to concede now that hewas right. Partially. I would have cared simply because it's him, and I want to be close to him in every way

possible.

But as for sex, in general? I can take it or leave it with any other guy. When I slept with Parker that time, it wasa complete loneliness thing, where I was so depressed I jumped the first guy who took an interest. It was wrong,and disgusting, and I still blame myself. Riley was a comfort guy. Poor Riley. I can look back and pity him now.There is no love for him in me though. I care about the guy who he was, who tried to reach me but never could.

If I could see Angel againI would be happy. All I need is just a look. I need to take all of him into me, his faceand body, the memory of it, so I can go over it in my mind on cold nights. I used to think I didn't love himanymore that our time was over. Maybe it is, but I still love him, and I have never stopped. I got sidetrackedwith Riley, thinking that that was what I wanted, that I wanted a normal guy, but now I realize that was all justmy scared little self inside, not wanting to get hurt again.


18/18

Do I wish he would find me? I wonder that a lot. I think I do. Then it would be over. This trip across Europe, thislong life that is meaning nothing to me. I wouldn't be surprised if when I'm old and about to die he walks in thedoor, takes me in his arms and kisses me. And then says, I know you would want to die in my arms. I wouldsmile weakly, touch his still young cheek and say, I knew you would come.

Then I would die, and it would all be over.

But I don't want that. I want him to come for me when I'm still young, and I can still beat him up, and I still havemy blonde hair and my tanned skin. I don't want him to forget me.

Love, Buffy

Buffy glanced over at her sleeping lover, and smiled, touching his cheek. He had found her, and whether he likedit or not, he was keeping her. She was going home.

end

Girl in Venice Series

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