Get Healthy FamilyL4 FINAL - Crossline Church · 2018-06-01 · Lesson Four: Conflict Doesn’t...

LESSON 4

FAMILY

CONFLICT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A DIRTY WORD

GetHealthyFamilybyDonnaJonesCopyright2018.Allrightsreserved. 25

Get Healthy: Family Lesson Four: Conflict Doesn’t Have to be a Dirty Word

Looking Back: 10 Minutes

1. Lastweekwediscussedtheimportanceofourwords.Sharehowyouusedyourwordstobuildup,encourage,orexpressappreciationtoafamilymember.Howdidthismakeyoufeel?Howdiditmaketheotherpersonfeel?

2. Discusshowyouareworkingtoovercomeanegativehabitinthewayyoucommunicatewithyourfamily(fromlessonthree,questionthree).

3. Shareasituationwhereyouspokethetruthinloveinthepastweek.

4. Whathasbeenthemostimpactfulthingyou’velearnedinGetHealthy:Family,sofar?

Looking Forward: 50 Minutes

“Youtwoworkitout!”Ishouteduptomygirls,whowerearguingupstairs.

Theconflictwasdrivingmecrazy.AndIwantedittoend.Immediately.

Mostofusviewconflictasonegiantdrainonouremotional,spiritual,relational,andsometimes,evenphysical,health.So,whenitcomestoconflict,wejustwantittogoaway.

Buthere’sthethingaboutconflict:youcan’tworkthingsoutbetweenyou,ifyoudon’thavethetoolstoworkitout,insideyou.

Someonehastoshowyouhow.

Generally,werespondtoconflictthewaywelearnedtodealwithitaschildren.Sadly,manyofusgrowup,butnevergrowoutofourchildishconflictstyles.

Thissideofheaven,conflictisheretostay.Butwecangrowupandlearntodealtowithconflictinahealthy,matureway.


1. Readthefollowingdescriptionsofthesixconflictstyles.Howdoyoumostoftenhandleconflictwithfamilymembers?Circletheonethatmostapplies.

A. TheCompetitorLikestoargueanddebate.Assertive.Believesinstandingupforselfanddefendingopinions.Canbethreateningorintimidating.Placesbeing“right”overtherelationship.Goal:towin.Resultingfeelings:Ifwins,feelspowerfulandprideful.Ifloses,impotentorangrywilllikelyblameothers.

B. TheCompromiser

Intimidatedbydirectconfrontation.Seeksaquickmiddle-groundsolution.Doesn’talwaysfullyunderstandoragreewiththeother’sperspective,butgivesintoendtheconflict,orpreservetherelationship.Goal:aquickresolutionwithminimalconflict.ResultingFeelings:Dissatisfaction,sincepartiesgenerallyfocusonwhattheylostinthecompromise.

C. TheAvoiderPretendsconflictneverhappenedordoesn’texist.Thinks,"Ifwedon'tbringitup,itwillblowover".Harborsfeelings.Doesn’texpressviews.Allowsconflicttofesteruntilitbecomestoobigtoignore.Goal:Noconflict.ResultingFeelings:Confusionoverwhatwentwrongsincefeelingsaren’tverbalized.Internalizedhurt,anger,orresentment.

D. TheAccommodatorGivesintoother’spreferencesorviews.Allowsneedsofthegrouptooverwhelmtheirown,whichmaynoteverbestated.Preservingtherelationshipisseenasmostimportant.Canleadtomakingpeaceandmovingforward,butcanalsoleadtofeelingsofresentmenttowardtheotherparty.Goal:Keeppeace.ResultingFeelings:Powerless.Doormat.Novoice.

E. TheManipulatorFearsexpressingtheirthoughts,feelingsandopinionsdirectly,soexpressesthemthroughback-doorchannels.Oftenusesotherpeopletotellsomeonewhattheythink,feel,orwant.Mayalsousethesilenttreatment,withdrawal,disapproval,guilt,shame,nagging,lying,orpouting.Ispassive/aggressive.Goal:Tocontrol.ResultingFeelings:Powerfulifothersacquiesce,fearfulorangryifothersdon’tacquiesce.

F. TheCollaboratorSeeksa“win-win”solutiontoconflict.Listenstounderstandother’sviewpoints.Focusesonareasofagreementandgoals.Thinkscreativelytoresolvetheproblemwithoutconcessions.Isbothassertiveandcooperative.Goal:Asolutionthatsatisfiesboth/allpeople.ResultingFeelings:Satisfaction.Peace.Harmony.


2. Fillintheblank:IfIcouldmakeonethingbetteraboutthewayIdealwithconflictitwouldbe__________________________________________________________.a. Onascaleof1-10(poortoexcellent)howwelldoyouhandleconflict

with:Yourhusband?______________________Yourchildren?______________________Siblings?______________________________Yourparents,step-parentsand/orin-laws?__________________________

Nomatterhowyouratedyourabilitytohandleconflict,Ihavegoodnews:youareabouttogetbetter!

3. Galatians5spellsouthowahealthyspirituallifepositivelyimpactshowwedorelationships.Conversely,anunhealthyspirituallifenegativelyimpactshowwedorelationships.ReadGalatians5:14-23,writtenbelow,andanswerthefollowingquestions:

14Forthewholelawcanbesummedupinthisonecommand:“Loveyourneighborasyourself.”15Butifyouarealwaysbitinganddevouringoneanother,watchout!Bewareofdestroyingoneanother.16SoIsay,lettheHolySpiritguideyourlives.Thenyouwon’tbedoingwhatyoursinfulnaturecraves.17Thesinfulnaturewantstodoevil,whichisjusttheoppositeofwhattheSpiritwants.AndtheSpiritgivesusdesiresthataretheoppositeofwhatthesinfulnaturedesires.Thesetwoforcesareconstantlyfightingeachother,soyouarenotfreetocarryoutyourgoodintentions.18ButwhenyouaredirectedbytheSpirit,youarenotunderobligationtothelawofMoses.19Whenyoufollowthedesiresofyoursinfulnature,theresultsareveryclear:sexualimmorality,impurity,lustfulpleasures,20idolatry,sorcery,hostility,quarreling,jealousy,outburstsofanger,selfishambition,dissension,division,21envy,drunkenness,wildparties,andothersinslikethese.Letmetellyouagain,asIhavebefore,thatanyonelivingthatsortoflifewillnotinherittheKingdomofGod.22ButtheHolySpiritproducesthiskindoffruitinourlives:love,joy,peace,patience,kindness,goodness,faithfulness,23gentleness,andself-control.Thereisnolawagainstthesethings!

a. Whatcommandisfoundinverse14?Howdoyouthinkthisrelatestoconflict?


b. Verse15makesthewarningcrystalclear:“Ifyoubiteanddevoureachother…youwillbedestroyedbyeachother.”Haveyouseenthistobetrue?How?

c. Wedon’thavetodestroyeachother!Verse16holdsoutarayofhope.Whatisit?

d. Wefightabattlebetweenourflesh(ourdesiretopleaseourselves)andtheSpirit(ourdesiretopleaseGod).Whataretheactsofoursinfulnature,accordingtoverse19?Whichoftheseactsrelatetoconflict?

e. IfwechoosetoallowGod’sSpirittocontrolourbehavior,whataretheresults,accordingtoverse22?

Wecannotbefullyrelationallyhealthyifwearenotfullyspirituallyhealthy.Relationshipsarejusttoohard—especiallywhenitcomestohandlingconflict.WithoutGod,ournaturalinclinationistobeselfish,hurtful,prideful,orfearful.ButwithGod’shelp,wecanleadwithlove,pursuepeace,practicepatience,andexerciseself-control(Ipromise,wereallycan!).TodealwithconflictinahealthywaywemustchoosetoletGodguideus;toyieldourwayofspeakingandacting,toGod’swayofspeakingandacting.Isthisalwayseasyintheheatofabattle?No,itisn’t.Butifwedon’tchoosetohandleconflictGod’sway,wewillbite,devour,anddestroyoneanother.Andultimately,we’lldestroyourrelationships.Thankfully,Godgivesusagameplantohandleourangerinawaythatactuallyincreasesintimacy,ratherthandecreasesintimacy.


4. ReadEphesians4:22-32,writtenbelow,andanswerthefollowingquestions.(Note:we’llcampinEphesians4,soknowwe’llkeepcomingbacktoit)

22Youweretaught,withregardtoyourformerwayoflife,toputoffyouroldself,whichisbeingcorruptedbyitsdeceitfuldesires;23tobemadenewintheattitudeofyourminds;24andtoputonthenewself,createdtobelikeGodintruerighteousnessandholiness.25Thereforeeachofyoumustputofffalsehoodandspeaktruthfullytoyourneighbor,forweareallmembersofonebody.26“Inyourangerdonotsin”[d]:Donotletthesungodownwhileyouarestillangry,27anddonotgivethedevilafoothold.28Anyonewhohasbeenstealingmuststealnolonger,butmustwork,doingsomethingusefulwiththeirownhands,thattheymayhavesomethingtosharewiththoseinneed.29Donotletanyunwholesometalkcomeoutofyourmouths,butonlywhatishelpfulforbuildingothersupaccordingtotheirneeds,thatitmaybenefitthosewholisten.30AnddonotgrievetheHolySpiritofGod,withwhomyouweresealedforthedayofredemption.31Getridofallbitterness,rageandanger,brawlingandslander,alongwitheveryformofmalice.32Bekindandcompassionatetooneanother,forgivingeachother,justasinChristGodforgaveyou.

a. Accordingtoverse23,how(ormaybemoreaccurately,where)arewetobemadenew?

WearetothinkdifferentlyaboutourrelationshipsthanwedidbeforewewereChristfollowers.b. Mostpeoplethinkwronglyaboutrelationalconflict.Belowyou’llfind

themostcommonmisconceptions.HowdoesEphesians4:17-27addresseachmisconception?Thefirstonehasbeendoneforyou.

Misconception#1:It’sOKifIhandlemyanger,frustration,hurt,anddisappointmentinwhateverwayfeelsrighttomeinthemoment.(Seeverse24)Truth:SinceI’maChristian,Godhasanew—betterandhealthier—wayformetohandlemyanger,frustration,hurt,anddisappointment.IwascreatedtobelikeGod(mindblowingconcept!)intruerighteousnessandholiness.ThatmeansIshouldseektohandlethehardstuffinaholyway.


Misconception#2:Conflictpitsmeagainstanotherperson—myspouse,mychild,mysibling,myparent,myin-laws,etc.(Seeverse25b)Truth:Misconception#3:Christiansshouldn’tgetmad.Angerisasin.(Seeverse26)Truth:Misconception#4:Unresolvedangerisnobigdeal.(Seeverses26-27)Truth:Whytakethetimetoidentifymisconceptionsaboutangerandconflict?Becausemythoughtsaboutconflict,affectmyactionsinconflict.Forexample,ifIthinkconflictisbad,I’llavoiditatallcosts.Nothealthy.IfIthinkChristiansaren’tsupposedtogetangry,Iwon’tspeakthetruth,andI’llbepassive/aggressive,instead.Nothealthy.IfIthinkconflictmeansonepersonwins,andonepersonloses,I’llgearupforafight,whichwillprobablyendinallkindsofugly.Nothealthy.IfIthinkit’sOKtogotobedangry,I’llbuildupresentmentandbitterness.Nothealthy.Areyoustartingtoseewhyhowweviewconflictissoimportant?Tohandleconflictinahealthywayweneedtoknowafewthings,andweneedtodoafewthings.Here’swhatweneedtoknowinordertohandleconflictinahealthy,Christ-likeway:Conflictisneitherrightnorwrong.Letthatsinkinforamoment.Thereisnothingwrongwithyou,yourmarriage,oryourrelationshipwithafamilymember,ifyouhaveconflict.(Iknowsomeofyoudon’tbelieveme,butit’strue!)


Whatmakesusfeellikeconflictisbadisthefactthatmostofushaven’tlearnedtodealwithitinawaythatmakesitturnoutgood.Whenhandledcorrectly,conflictcanactuallycreatemoreintimacyandmoreclosenessbetweentwopeople.Why?Becauseanissuethatoncestoodbetweenyou,isremoved;atruththatoncewentunaddressedisdiscussed;awoundthatoncecausedresentmentisforgiven;anannoyancethatoncecausedfrustrationisfixed.Conflictisn’trightorwrong.Buthowwedealwithit,is.Sohowdowedealwithconflictinahealthyway?Here’swhatweneedtodotohandleconflictinahealthy,Christ-likeway(sinceI’masimplegal,I’mgoingtobreakthisupintosimple,do-ablesteps):Step#1:IdentifytheRealIssue

5. LookbackattheEphesians4passage.HowdoesEphesians4:25binstructustospeak?

Inordertospeakthetruth,wemustknowthetruth.Themostfundamentalcomponentinresolvingconflictisidentifyingtherealissue.Oftenweargueaboutsurfaceissues,nottherealissues.Isitanywonderwegoround,andround,withnoresolutioninsight?Oftentherealissuesaresimple:someoneishungry.Tired.Stressed.Frustrated.Hormonal.Inchronicpain.Forheavenssake,let’snotmakelifemorecomplicatedthanithastobe—let’sfixtherealissueswhentheyaresimple!Giveyourchildasnack.Letyourhusbandwatchtheballgame,orhavesex(withyou,ofcourse!)Findaplaceforyourkidstokeeptheirhomework.Exercise.Eatright.Sleep.Takeabath.

a. Whatreal(andsimple)issuecanyoubemoreattunedto,soyourfamilyhaslessconflict?


Step#2:StopConflictBeforeItStarts,WhenPossible

6. Speakingtruthalsoinvolvesexpressingneeds,desires,concerns,andexpectations,clearly.It’sunfair,unrealistic,andunhealthytoexpectyourfamilytoreadyourmind.Whatexpectation,need,concern,ordesirecanyoucommunicatemoreclearly?Howcouldthishelpyourfamilyavoidconflictbeforeitbegins?

“Expectationwithoutcommunicationleadstofrustration”–JPJonesStep#3:TreatYourFamilyLikeTeammates

7. AccordingtoEphesians4:25,whyarewetospeaktruthfullytoeach

other?

a. Whenemotionsrunhigh,it’seasytoviewourfamilymemberastheoppositionratherthanthecompanion.Howwouldaddressinganareaofconflictfromtheperspectiveofbeingteammates(i.e.onthesameside)helpyouandyourhusband/child/parent/step-parent/etc.moreeasilyfindaresolutionwithoutunnecessaryanger?

b. Shareanexampleofhowthisprinciplehasworkedforyou. Step#4:BeAngryWhenYouShould

8. HowdoesEphesians4:26-27instructustodealwithouranger?

Healthywomendon’tmakethesmallthingsbig,andtheydon’tmakethebigthingssmall.Howdoweknowifsomethingisbigorsmall?Iliketosayconflictcomesinoneofthreeforms:


• Irritations• Insults• Issues

Irritationsarethestuffthatbothersus,orfrustratesus:Theteenager’smessyroom.Thewaythedishwashergetsloaded.(Iactuallyknewacouplethatfoughtaboutthis).Thefamilymemberwhomoveslikeasloth.Thisstuffisthesmallstuff.Itdoesn’tmeanwedon’taddresstheseirritations;itjustmeanswekeepthingsinperspective.Irritationsmakeuscrazy,onlyifweletthem.Butthenthereareconflictsthatariseoutofinsults:Someonemakesasnideremark.Ourspousetellsajokeatourexpense.Achildspeaksdisrespectfullytous.Whileirritationsfrustrateus,insultscandamageus,ifweletthem.Whenourcharacter,ourposition,orpersonhoodisinsulted,itmustbeaddressed.(Rememberhowwediscussedspeakingthetruthinlove,lastweek?Well,here’swhereweputitintoaction!)Aninsultisabigthingwecan’tmakesmall,withoutdamagingconsequences.Finally,someconflictscenteraroundissues:Howwespendourmoney.Howwedisciplinethechild.Howwespendourfreetime.Howwepassonourspiritualvalues.Ifirritationscanfrustrateus,andinsultscandamageus,issuescanscareus,ifweletthem.Youknowwhatpeopledowhentheyarescared?FightorFlight.Andnowwearebacktoourunhealthyconflictstyles,aren’twe?Compete.Avoid.Manipulate.Accommodate.UnlesswechoosetodealwithangerGod’sway.Step#5:Don’tLettheSunGoDownonYourAnger(Seriously.Don’t.)

9. Inyourexperience,whathappenswhenyoufailtoresolveaconflictthesamedayitoccurs?Whathappenswhenyouworkthroughaconflictassoonaspossible?Whichleavesyoufeelingmoreatpeace?


a. Ifworkingthroughconflictbringsyoumorepeace,whichofthefollowingstopsyoufromdealingwithconflictsassoonaspossible?

• Pride• Fear• Shame• Resentment• Hurt• Toobusy• Idon’tknowhow

Step#6ChooseHumilityandKindness(evenifyoudon’tfeellikeitinthemoment)

10. HavesomeoneinyourgroupreadEphesians4:29-32outloud.

a. Whatroledowordsplayinresolvingconflict?

b. Whatroledoeshumilityplayinresolvingconflict?

c. Whatroledoescompassionandforgivenessplayinresolvingconflict?

d. Isthereanyoneinyourfamilytowhomyouneedtoapologize?

e. Isthereanyoneinyourfamilyyouneedtoforgive?


Life Application:

1. Re-readthislessoninitsentirety.Thislessoncontainslotsofinformation,anditwilltakemorethanonepasstograspitall.Asyouread,highlightormakenotes.Whatwillyoubegintoapply?Don’tbegeneral.Bespecific.

2. Takenotewhenyoufeelfrustrated,irritated,angry,orhurtthisweek.Askyourself,“Whatcausedthesefeelings?What’stherealissue?Isitabigthingorsmallthing?”Respondtothesituationbasedonwhatyou’velearnedabouthandlingconflictinahealthyway.

Optional: Further Reading, Reflection and Bible Study

1. Lookupthefollowingversesandwritedownwhateachteachesyouabout

howtodealwithanger.a. Proverbs15:1b. James1:19-21c. 1Peter2:21-23d. Genesis16(asyouread,notethetwowomen’sconflictstyles)

Get Healthy FamilyL4 FINAL - Crossline Church · 2018-06-01 · Lesson Four: Conflict Doesn’t...

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