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Alyssa Gallagher

Professor Nester

Eng 105

11 April 2014

Starving Musician

I was sitting cross-legged underneath a fort constructed out of the blanket my nana made

me when I was 12 using my fingers to spoon Fluff directly out of the jar while tearfully watching

reruns of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” when I decided I might need a different way to deal with

my stress. As an aspiring musician finding a healthy way to unwind is especially vital, seeing as

every facet of a performing career is characterized by long hours and high stakes. Even though I

love playing music, the endless practicing and proportionally small success already takes a toll

on my mental health, and I still have years to go.

That is why I decided to fast and meditate for three days with the intention of learning

how to deal with daily stressors in a way that is productive and healthy for both my mind and

body. Meditation is an ancient practice that has been used for thousands of years. The first docu-

mented references to meditation appear in Indian tantras, or scriptures, written 5000 years ago.

Perhaps the most well-known advocate and practicer of meditation is Buddha, whose teachings

formed the religion of Buddhism around 500 B.C. On his road to enlightenment, Buddha prac-

ticed asceticism, renouncing the fashions and luxuries of the world and eating only roots, leaves,

and fruit or otherwise not eating at all. He was eventually led to enlightenment, or a state of

peace and wisdom.

Meditation gained popularity in the west only around the 1960s. This is the “Buddhism”

that initially interested me; I loved reading about the beatniks botching the religion while simul-

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taneously finding their own brand of spirituality. Although commonly associated with hippies,

meditation is gaining mainstream medical attention and legitimacy based on positive findings

from research on its benefits. Fasting has also gained popularity in modern western culture for its

health benefits.

I decided to do a juice fast in which 100% fruit and vegetable juices are permitted since it

is supposed to be easier and healthier for those new to the process. I planned on fasting for three

days: long enough to be meaningful, but short enough to not be dangerous. I bought V8 veg-

etable juice, a fruit and vegetable combination juice, and juice boxes, looking carefully at the la-

bels to make sure there were no added ingredients. I located my book, Effortless Mastery by

Kenny Werner, which is written specifically for musicians with high stress that want to start

overcoming their struggles through meditation. I was nervous, but I was ready to start on my

own road to enlightenment, or at least something close to it.

Day 1

Having stopped eating solid food after dinner the night before at around 7:00, I expected

to wake up mildly hungry. However, I woke up with a caffeine withdrawal-induced migraine and

slight nausea. I drank a box of apple juice and some water and went to my first class as usual.

Then I went down to the practice rooms, a normal part of my schedule. However, instead of im-

mediately taking out my instrument, I read a few chapters from Effortless Mastery. He dis-

cusses the negative impacts of playing music out of a place of fear, something that is definitely

relatable for me. One quote in particular stuck in my mind: “By not caring, you play better.” (38)

This seemed so obvious to me, but also very elusive and difficult to adhere to. How could I stop

caring about my playing if so much of my future depends on it? And won’t I sound even worse if

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I don’t care enough to practice? I did one of the meditations that are on a CD in the back of book,

and I was amazed. I became much more aware of the huge amounts of tension in my neck,

hands, arms, and wrists, something I had never thought of as a big issue.

The rest of my day was characterized by exhaustion and migraine pain. I drank juices and

water, and I never really got that hungry. Mostly, I just wanted coffee and ibuprofen, two things I

consume far too much. I ended up going back to my room around 7:00 and falling asleep imme-

diately after trying to meditate.

Day 2

After sleeping for twelve hours, my headache was finally gone when I woke up on the

second day of my fast. I felt weak and tired still, but not hungry. I drank some juice and went to

class, finding it incredibly difficult to focus. Then it was time to practice again, and I read some

more from my book. Werner quoted from an archery book that “you do not wait for fulfillment,

but brace yourself for failure” when playing from a place of fear (40). I then meditated. When I

started playing my instrument, I noticed the way I flinched at high notes and tensed on fast pas-

sages. When I focused on relaxing, I found it much easier to not get frustrated with my playing.

I again found myself to be exhausted, presumably from my diet of liquids, and I went to

back to my room early again. I was very weak and mildly hungry, so I boiled carrots and pota-

toes in water and drank the broth, eyeing the root vegetables with desire as I picked them out of

the bowl. By this time, I had developed a weird natural high, which surprised me. This day I

managed to stay awake until 9:00 before passing out.

Day 3

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On the morning of the third day, I woke up feeling fairly weak, but excited that I could

soon eat solid food. I went to my classes and drank more juices than the past couple days to help

get me through the day. The weakness made me feel calmer, and my mind raced less. I didn’t

practice very much because I was dizzy, but my meditations were more effective than normal. I

read more from Effortless Mastery. There was a section about connecting self-worth to musical

abilities. Werner writes that this is not only unhealthy, but it is incongruent with the spirit and

purpose of music. He writes: “You don’t need to play great. You already are great.” (44) In

my semi-delirious state, I was incredibly inspired. I knew I still thought in a negative way, but

just knowing that I had the power to change that made me feel strong.

That night, I went to a senior recital of a percussionist, the culminating project of their

college career. As I watched, I reflected on my own playing and took care to not compare my

abilities to theirs, a bad habit of mine. I realized that although I have dealt with stress poorly in

the past, it doesn’t mean that I have to remain that way. As long as I work hard and think posi-

tively, I can be both successful and happy.

After the recital, I went upstairs with the rest of the crowd to the reception. I waited in

line for some gloriously solid food, and proceeded to fill up my plate. As I bit into a strawberry, I

was happy for what I had done, and happier that I wasn’t finished.