gair rhydd - Issue 786

gair rhydd ISSUE 786 May 9 2005 FREE

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972 NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPEROF THE YEAR 2003/04

Our very own irateNortherner gets to grips withthis year’s Honours List

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MOSTLYHARMLESS...Hitchhiker’s Guide special,and Mötley Crüe. Quenchcontinues to spoil you...

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A CARDIFF STUDENT was subject-ed to a terrifying sexual assaultwhen a taxi driver attacked her onthe journey home from a night out.

The 20-year old, who got into thecab on St. Mary’s Street shortly beforemidnight, asked to be taken to theCathays area and was instead driven toa secluded road.

The driver then got into the back ofthe taxi and sexually attacked her,before driving her back to Cathays.

Police believe he was driving a gen-uine black taxi, but are unsure if hewas licensed.

Rather than turning right at the endof the High Street towards Cathays, thedriver turned left and drove to asecluded area.

Aware that she was being taken inthe opposite direction, the studentchallenged the driver.

Detective Constable StuartDavies said: “She asked him why hewas heading that way, but he said itwasn’t a problem.” Reassured, sheturned her attention back to textmessaging a friend.

"The taxi eventually stoppedabout five minutes later in a quietspot – possibly in Canton, Fairwateror Cardiff Bay," said Davies. "Thedriver then got into the back and sex-ually attacked her with force.

"She struggled with him and it’sthat resistance which possibly pre-vented him going even further."

The attacker has been on theloose since mid February, when theincident took place. Police have nowreleased a photofit in an attempt towarn others and encourage anyone tocome forward.

He has been described as mediumbuild, in his late 20s or 30s andIndian or Pakistani in appearance.He is known to speak English well

but with an Indian or Pakistaniaccent.

The incident has raised seriousconcerns about the welfare of Cardiffstudents.

"He was in a position of trust andrepresents a danger to the public,"said Davies. "The victim is extreme-ly upset and is still worried aboutgoing out. As well as the public, wewant to hear from other taxi driverswho might recognise this man."

One concerned taxi company,Premier, has already launched a newsystem aiming to improve passengersafety.

Rather then waiting in the streetsand attempting to hail cabs, passen-gers can wait inside until a text mes-sage is sent to them.

Tim Mahoney, owner of Ely-basedPremier cabs, said: "We have takenon broad concerns about people, par-ticularly young ladies, getting intounlicensed cabs late at night.

"When a person phones us wetake their mobile number and wesend them a text when the cab is out-side.

The text gives details of the cabincluding its registration number sothe person knows they are gettinginto the right car that is licensed."

Students in the Cardiff area arebeing warned to take extra care whengetting home.

Pete Goodman, Cardiff Students’Union president for 2005-06, said: "Iadvise students going home late atnight to go with a friend that theytrust. If you do choose to get a taxi,make sure the driver is licensed.

"If anyone has had a similar expe-rience, I advise you to go to theStudent Advice Centre and talk toone of our advisors."

Anyone with information on theattacker, please contact CardiffCentral CID on 02920527420.

TAXI TERRORCabbie commits sex attack on student

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By Charissa CoulthardDeputy News Editor

Indian or Pakistani inappearanceProbably aged in his late20s or early 30sOf medium build andaround 5ft 10 inches tallDark scruffy hair and adark beard with a fewdays’ growthChubby, rounded face witha big noseSpoke English well butwith an Indian accent

AUTO-MOTIVE: The student thought she was getting into a licensed taxi to go home INSET: The photofit and description of the attacker

AN NUS TEAM visited CardiffUniversity this week in anattempt to get the student voteout.

The campaign was targetedspecifically at marginal seats whereit was felt that students could have areal influence on the final result.

Cardiff Central is a particular tar-get of the student swing with theacademic vote securing LiberalDemocrat candidate Jenny Willott alandslide victory in this previouslyclose run seat.

Sian Davies, the NUS Studentswith Disabilities Officer, came toCardiff Central to attempt to per-suade students to turn out and votein this week’s election.

She said “Labour promised edu-cation education education andthey’ve gone back on their pledge.This is a chance for students to havean MP who will make a difference.”

Cardiff also ran their own cam-paign, “Voting is Sexy.” Davieshowever, disagrees. “Voting is notsexy at all, but it is important.”

News May 9 2005

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EDITORGary Andrews

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May 9 2005

NUS ACTON GETS THE VOTE OUTBy Dan RidlerReporter

THE NUMBER of English stu-dents studying in Wales is set torise, according to the latest fig-ures from UCAS.

The statisticsshow that thenumber of studentsfrom Englandapplying toWelsh universi-ties has risen 12%over the previousyear.

The increaseis being attributed toconfusion over tuition feesand greater promotion ofWelsh campusesacross the border.

Fees are set to riseto a variable rate of£3,000 in England from 2006, whilstthe Welsh assembly will not imple-ment variable fees or an alternativefees system until 2007.

Though the changes to Englishfees are not due for another year, it isthought that many applicants choseWelsh universities for fear of beingcharged more in England.Applications from Welsh students toEnglish campuses also rose, but byonly 9%.

Applications from England toScottish universities leapt 17% oncethe Scottish parliament abolishedupfront fees in 2000.

Some have taken these fresh fig-ures as an indication that the govern-ment’s new variable fees policy is act-ing as a deterrent to students applyingfor higher education.

The Liberal Democrats and PlaidCymru in particular have taken themas vindication of their anti-fee stance.

NUS Wales president JamesKnight said of the applications:"Some of it has got to do with the dif-ference in funding regimes and avail-ability of grants, but a lot will bedown to the lack of information and

confusion over top-up fees that has

sometimes been in themedia."

The Welsh approach to and promo-tion of higher education has also beensingled out as a factor. An emphasison lifelong learning and wideningparticipation has been reflected by anincrease in the number of over 21sapplying to Welsh universities.

But some fear an unsustainableinflux of English students, who out-number Welsh scholars nearly 17 to 1overall; a small increase in the per-centage of those applying to Welshcampuses could prove problematic.

John Owen Jones, pre-electionLabour MP for Cardiff Central, hascommented that such an increase"will displace a very large proportionof Welsh students", possibly forcingsome to look further afield whenapplying for university.

The Assembly Government is setto decide on the next step for Welshhigher education funding in June.

Law Lords Killer WalesBy Andrew RennisonReporter

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TWO CARDIFF University lawstudents have been commendedafter they won an internationalinterviewing competition inHawaii.

Matthew Perry, studying the BarVocational Course, and Lara Hays, aLegal Practice Course student, wonthe 2005 International ClientInterviewing Competition.

They beat off competition fromAustralia, India and America, andbecame the first Welsh students toemerge victorious from the contest.

The competition is an annualevent for law students, which focus-es on interviewing and counsellingskills in a simulated law office set-ting.

Working in teams of two, com-petitors are judged on their ability torecognise and handle legal prob-

lems, ethical and personal issues,costs, and offer appropriate adviceto their client.

Matthew and Lara achieved suc-cess in two regional heats beforegoing to the final, and their achive-ment is likely to enhance their futurecareers.

Lara said: "I am very much look-ing forward to starting my trainingcontract in September and theopportunity to put into practice theskills I have acquired during thiscompetition."

Cardiff Law School is set to hostthe contest next year.

Acting head of the Law School,Professor David Miers, said: "Thisis an excellent achievement for theteam and the Law School and we areproud to be hosting the Internationalfinal here in 2006, which we hopewill attract the support of bothbranches of the profession inCardiff."

By Matt WilkinNews Editor

SEAT OF EXCELLENCE: Cardiff University’s Law school

CAMPAIGNING: NUS flying the flag for student voting

NewsMay 9 2005

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THE STUDENT VOTE: Cardiff Central fell to Jenny Willott of the Liberal Democrats after a long-foughtcampaign against the Labour candidate John Owen Jones.Williott secured 49.8% of the vote where-as Jones managed to secure only 34.3%, representing a swing of 8.7% to the Lib Dems. CardiffCentral was one of the few constituencies to be determined almost entirely by the student vote.

KNICKER-BUCKER GLORY

£270,000 black holeMedics ask ‘where has the money gone?’

MEDICAL STUDENTS have react-ed with anger at revelations thatthe money is there to buy theequipment they need.

Documents obtained by gair rhyddhave revealed over £270,000 is spenton equipment for students in Cardiff –money that many medics have com-plained does not seem to benefit them.

gair rhydd’s ‘Inject the Funds’ cam-paign has highlighted how this moneyis still not providing simple items suchas bleepers and lockers at the Heathsite.

The Service Increment forTeaching (SIFT) is money given bythe Welsh Assembly to NHS Trustsacross Wales to fund medical place-ments.

The Cardiff and Vale NHS Trust,which oversees the spending of SIFTat the Heath site, receives over£2,800,000 from the assembly.

£270,000 of this goes towardsequipment for these placements butmany students have complained theydon’t see where the money is going.

One fourth year medic who did notwant to be named said: “I’ve neverseen a penny of anything being spent.I would have thought they had a budg-

et of zero. I wasn’t aware they had anysort of budget at all.”

Some students also feel that this isan issue that only occurs in Cardiff.

Another anonymous third year said:“When you go to Swansea they havelockers and bleepers and a commonroom. And when you go to NorthWales it’s fine. Things are so muchbetter once you get out of Cardiff.”

But Director of NHS/UniversityLiaison, Mike Grant defended theTrust.

He said: “Cardiff and Vale Trustreceives the largest amount of clinicalplacement SIFT funding in Walesbecause it has the largest number ofstudents on clinical placement.

“Also, Cardiff and Vale Trust doesnot simply consist of the UniversityHospital of Wales on the Heath Parksite but also includes Cardiff RoyalInfirmary, Llandough Hospital,Rookwood Hospital, WhitchurchHospital and Cardiff CommunityHospital as well: it is the largest NHSTrust in Wales.”

In response to gair rhydd’srecent coverage a spokespersonfor the university said: “TheSchool of Medicine is aware of theissues raised recently and confirmsthat discussion at the highest level is

continuing between both itself and theCardiff and Vale Trust.”

Now gair rhydd is seeking to get aguarantee from Cardiff and Vale thatthe funds will be better spent and thatstudents will be provided with bleep-ers and lockers at the Heath site.

Following this paper’s revelationsthe university’s spokesperson said thatthey were working towards resolvingthe issue.

“In particular, it is hoped that asolution regarding student lockers willbe found once a suitable spacehas been identified.”

But for one Cardiff studentwho preferred to remain name-less, this has all come toolate.

“I can’t see how theSIFT funds have bene-fited my training at all. Ihave to start work nextyear, the university hasreally let me down,” she

said.

By Dave Doyle and CharissaCoulthard

THREE THIRD year students atUniversity of Wales, Newport, aredesigning and selling knickers tohelp pay their way through theirdegrees.

The trio, who are on the fashiondesign course, opened a stallat the city’s market andsold handmade knickersfor between £4 and £7each.

Using the brandname of Pretty Panties,the students set up theircompany through the YoungEnterprise scheme and had todraw up a detailed businessplan and a marketing strategy fortheir range of designs.

Following the great demand fortheir goods, they are now consideringa career in designer lingerie.

Tessa Alonzi, who is fromNewport and set up Pretty Pantieswith her friends Louise Skingle andLucy Bond, said: "We realised therewas nothing on the market which wasoffering the sort of knickers we weremaking.

"The knickers we make are verypretty and girly with lots of frills andbows. And you can’t buy knickerslike that from many places – they areusually black, skimpy and sexy."

Her friend Lucy, who is fromCardiff, added: "We make them verycute and girly and there doesn’t seemto be much like that available in theshops."

The trio designed a number ofknickers and picked the best designsto sell. Although very time-consum-ing, the third year students arepleased with their success.

"Each pair take about an hour tomake so it has taken up a lot of ourtime," said Tessa.

"They were really popular andwho knows, it could be somethingthat we might continue with after wefinish university."

Pretty Panties will have to be puton hold for a while so the trio can

now prepare forthe biggest eventof the year – thefashion show –held at the

Caerleon campusfrom Thursday 12 May.

"The fashion show is what we’vebeen building up to," said Tessa, 20.

"As well as finding models wehave to accessorize the outfits, domakeup and hair, and arrange chore-ography – so we’ll be putting PrettyPanties on hold for a while!

"The fashion degree course hasbeen really enjoyable," she added."It’s been very hard work but ifyou’re dedicated it’s worth it."

By Charissa CoulthardDeputy News Editor

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Dave Menon catches up with President-to-bePete Goodman to chat about burgers andsinging chickens on the campaign trail

News 9 May 2005

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MEET ‘N’ GREET PETE

It was Tuesday afternoon when asmartly dressed Pete Goodmanemerged from his office, beam-

ing. He invited me in and offeredme a seat as I attempted to weavemy way through the papers cover-ing the floor.

The current College President ofHumanities and Social Scienceslooked exhausted. He had just finishedmeeting and greeting next year’sSabbatical team. After running anothersuccessful campaign before Easter,Pete spoke of his delight at becomingPresident.

“I can’t wait to become Presidentnext year. I’m really looking forwardto it. The [Sabbatical] team have somany ideas for what they want to donext year. I hope that I’m able to helpthem achieve their aims.”

At the top of Pete’s agenda asPresident is the installation of a burgerbar in Solus, ensuring that Wednesdayafternoons remain free, introduction oflifetime Union membership, and creat-ing a truly integrated Students’ Union.

He said: “Students should be able toget a healthy, clean burger for signifi-cantly cheaper prices. Also I’d like toinvolve more students of the WalesCollege of Medicine within Unionactivities.

“I’ll be working to ensure we canstay in touch with each other when we

leave [university]. Also I want to put tobed the ‘Keep Wednesdays Free’ cam-paign.”

Although he is better known as nextyear’s President, it is important not tooverlook his achievements this year.According to Pete, the BEARS projecthas been a memorable success story.

BEARS (Be Effective AcademicRepresentatives) is a training schemefor anybody who is part of the stu-dent/staff panels, which provides peo-ple with skills to effectively representtheir fellow students.

“BEARS stood out because I dedi-cated a lot of time to this project. I ama firm believer in students being ableto stand up for themselves. When thereare issues which students can’t fight,they would know where the help is.”

Another initiative being backed byPete is the introduction of PersonalAssistance Cards. Still in the develop-ment stage, the card will allow dis-abled students to bring a minder withthem to union club nights free ofcharge.

As Pete says, “I am hoping PersonalAssistance Cards will allow disabledstudents who wouldn’t usually go tothe union to come to the union andenjoy an enhanced experience.”

Alongside this, Pete has increasedthe output of careers centres, foughtoutside the Home Office against

increased visa charges for internation-al students and introduced SATs(Student Action Teams).

“A Student Action Team is a trainedgroup of students which will resolveminor problems experienced by firstyear students in halls of residence,

informally rather than formally.”According to Pete, the venture

should take effect at the beginning ofnext year, assuming that a risk assess-ment has been drawn up. Training islikely to begin in Fresher’s Fortnight.

In his spare time Pete enjoys goingto the theatre, socialising with friends,eating fine food and listening tocheesy pop. He admitted however thatleisure time is usually scarce due to“the rigours of my job.”

“I usually finish work at 9pm andgo straight out on the lash. After

switching the light off in myoffice, I’m drinking the beerstwo minutes later.”

In addition, Pete has set upthe Welsh Education andWelfare Forum, an informalmonthly meeting where issues suchas top-up fees are discussed.

Goodman has also written a numberof motions to the NUS, one of whichconcerned the late arrival of studentloans earlier this year. The conversa-tion swiftly advanced to Goodman’ssuccessful campaign for the role ofPresident.

Pete was quick to point out some-thing he learned from the campaign.“The campaign has taught me never toplay that song ever again. Whenever Ihear that song on TV, it drives me mad.When it comes on I change the [TV]channel.”

“Seriously, I had to listen to thatsong for 12 hours every day. We spokein lectures on the hour, every hour andthat was hardcore. By the end of it thechicken was very tired.”

Pete was grateful to his friendWelshy who wore the chicken suitevery day, and duly branded him “anabsolute legend.”

But Goodman was adamant the‘chicken’ gimmick was simply used toraise awareness.

“I must stress the gimmick was only

for visibility because I have very seri-ous policies. There are things which Igenuinely care about. It was veryimportant but the main part of thecampaign was talking to people.”

“Originally I didn’t want a gim-mick. But it is tune you hate andsecretly love. We had contemplatedpulling the song because we thought itwould annoy everyone, but it wasworking really well.”

So what is next on the agenda forPete after leaving Cardiff?

“At the moment I am considering apolitical future, whatever guise thatmay take. That may be party politics orworking for the civil service. Mydream job would be to run the coun-try.”

It may not be too long before Petebecomes Prime Minister. Only timewill tell.

After walking out the door an hourlater, I realised that Pete was clearly aman on a mission, determined to fightfor students.

“I neverwant to hearthat bloodysweety thechick songever again”

THE NEXT PRIME MINISTER: Future Union President Pete Goodman

PETE GOODMANFACTFILEORIGINALLY FROM:Basingstoke

COURSE STUDIED:PoliticsPLANS FOR FUTURE:Go into politics with a viewto running the country

THIRTY YEARS have passed sincethe end of the Vietnam war butmany people are still sufferingdetrimental health problemscaused by the notorious use of thetoxic war chemical, Agent Orange.

Agent Orange and many other pow-erful herbicides were used by the USduring the war to defoliate the hidingplaces of the Vietcong guerrillas andNorth Vietnam Army regulars, in aproject called ‘Operation Ranchland.’

80 million litres of the poisonous‘agents’ were sprayed from the airbetween 1962 and 1971, covering atenth of Vietnam.

Authorised use of herbicides, how-

ever, were halted in 1971 after a scien-tific report concluded that the chemi-cal could cause birth defects in labora-tory animals. Since then thousands ofscientific studies have been conducted.

The primary chemical, AgentOrange, was found to contain the high-est concentration of dioxin, a sub-stance extremely toxic to humans,which accumulates in the body, caus-ing cancer and many other healthproblems.

Those eating or drinking in areascontaminated by the chemical werefound to be the most affected due tothe way in which dioxin builds up inthe food chain.

Today, nearly thirty years after thespread of these poisonous chemicals,the ground in many areas of Vietnamremains contaminated.

In 2001 Scientists found that peopleliving in Binh-Hoa near Ho Chi MinhCity, an Agent Orange "hotspot" had200 times the normal amount of diox-in in their blood.

Many people in these areas contin-ue to blame Agent Orange for theirhealth problems.

One woman said that the herbicidecaused her to have a skin diseasewhich gave her "great suffering."

It has also been found that eventhose not born during the war arebeing affected: "My first child has justdied; he had physical deformities," one

man said. "The second one is havingheadaches like me."

Nguyen Trong Nhan, from theVietnam Association of Victims ofAgent Orange and former president ofVietnamese Red Cross believes the useof Agent Orange was a war crime anddoesn’t think the US are doing enoughto help its victims.

He told BBC World service’s OnePlanet program that Vietnam’s povertywas a direct result of the use of AgentOrange: "We help the people who arevictims of the Agent Orange and thedioxins, but the capacity of the gov-ernment is very limited."

Victims of Agent Orange are dis-heartened by the lack of support fromthe US government: "When I realise Ihave been contaminated with poison-ous chemicals, and the US governmenthasn’t done anything to help, I feel

very sad, and it makes me cry," oneman commented.

Andrew Wells-Dang is from theFund For Reconciliation AndDevelopment, an American organisa-tion aiming to improve relationsbetween Vietnam and America. Hehopes that the legacy of Agent Orangedoes not continue to affect the rela-tionship between these two countries.

He points out that the U.S gavefunding for clearing mines dropped onVietnam during the war, but believedfunding should also be provided forvictims of Agent Orange.

"It's not going to go away, because itaffects a huge number of people inVietnam," Wells-Dang comments."We would see this as an opportunityfor the US to take humanitarian actionso that it doesn't become an obstaclebetween the countries."

A PRO-PUTIN youth group hasbeen set up with the aim of pro-moting Russian nationalism,amid accusations of violenceand intimidation.

Nashi – ‘Our People’ is sponsor-ing training sessions which involvemeeting with like-minded people tomastermind and produce nationalistslogans. Catch phrases such as"Forward with Russia, AmericaCan’t Outshine Us!" are yelled as theteenagers are urged on by youthgroup leaders.

The tables are draped withRussian and Nashi flags; the red rep-resenting Russia’s ‘glorious’ past andthe white standing for a shiningfuture.

Nashi’s leader Vasily Yakemenko,formally employed by the presiden-tial administration,has stated: "Putinis the only per-son whob e l i e v e sd e m o c r a c yand sovereign-ty can be com-bined in thiscountry.

"What we

are doing here today is looking foryoung people with leadership quali-ties.

"After two days of training we’llpick out the most ambitious ones, theones who haven’t lost their hope inRussia."

Youth organisations played a sig-nificant role in the political turmoilwhich ran rife in the Ukraine lastyear, a factor which President Putin’sadvisors have taken on board.

Yakemenko’s purpose is to train100,000 young Russians in the pres-ent regime’s methods of government;their leader claims that by 2009some will be ready to run the coun-try.

Specialist subjects such as history,economics and geopolitics will betop of the agenda and taught across25 Russian institutions.

However, Yakemenko’s image of aunion of well educated and wellmeaning young people has beenattacked by political rivals within thecountry. Ilya Yashin of the liberalYabloko party has accused the organ-isation as "a cover for stormbrigades" that will employ violencein its quest to intimidate pro-Westernteenagers and their associated organ-isations.

The party leader claimed he wasbeaten after infiltrating and being

unmasked at a Nashi confer-ence.

In addition, fearsexist that a unionbetween Nashi mem-

bers and Russian police will result inwidespread prejudice against thoseseen not to conform to this party’sideals.

Concerning speculation thatYashin will join with the NationalBolshevik Party (NBP) in a bid tocurb the growing influence of Nashi,the Yabloko party leader refuses tocomment. Eduard Limonov, leader ofthe NBP has pledged to meet vio-lence with violence in the event thatNashi will extend its exploits tointimidation.

The rival sides are accusing eachother of embracing fascist ideals andthe Kremlin has pledged its support

to Nashi in the group’s battle to winover ‘hearts and minds.’

Mr Yashin said: "It is an invitationto a civil war. Such organisations arecharacteristic of a fascist state."

World NewsMay 9 2005

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CHILDREN OF THE NATIONJacko on the defensive

MICHAEL JACKSON’S fight forfreedom was aided by 22-year-old Wade Robson, who con-firmed to jurors he was notmolested when staying at thesinger’s Neverland Ranch.

Robson, now host of MTV’s ‘TheWade Robson project’, first stayedat the Ranch in 1989 and went on tostay there a further twenty or sotimes. He told the trial in SantaMaria, California, that he had sleptin the star’s bedroom a few times butthat "nothing ever happened."

Robson rejected all claims thatthe singer ever behaved indecentlytowards him.

Jackson’s defence team is expect-ed to call upon many celebrityfriends of the star, including Childactor Macauley Culkin, ElizabethTaylor and Diana Ross.

Mr. Culkin is also expected todeny claims by prosecution witness-es that he was molested during hisstay over a decade ago.

Camel goes up in smoke

THOUSANDS OF CAMELS are tobe shot in a bid to control theirvast numbers in the Australiandesert, causing anger fromwildlife agencies.

According to authorities in SouthAustralia, the radical approach isnecessary to prevent camels fromroaming across farmland.

The camel population inAustralia is increasing by a stagger-ing 11% per year, and 500,000 ani-mals are believed to be residingthere.

Glenys Oogyes, executive direc-tor of the Animals Australia welfaregroup, was quick to point out thedevastating effect of the plannedcull.

She said "We’ve seen terrible cru-elty involved in that sort of killingspree and it’s virtually impossibleoperating from the air to check thatevery animal is killed outright".

Japanese train crash

A TRAIN DRIVER crashed into ablock of flats killing 73 passen-gers in Japan fearing he wouldbe a minute late.

Investigations suggest the driver,Mr Ryujiro Takami, was travellingat 62mph when approaching acurved stretch of track.

While the Japanese media wereconcentrating the importance ofpunctuality, traces of stone foundcrushed under the train’s wheelssuggest the crash may have beencaused by obstructions on the line

Mr Takami was forced to partici-pate in 13 days of "re-education", agruelling regime that has allegedlycaused an employee to commit sui-cide.

Drivers undergoing extra trainingare banned from drinking tea, usingthe toilet without permission, andtalking to one another.

World Newsin Brief

By Dave Menon and NicolaMenageBy Bethany Whiteside

Reporter

By Nicola MenageReporter

Vietnamese still suffer the effect ofUS war chemicals

YASHIN: fears of fascismPUTIN: worried about a revolt?

THE KREMLIN: image of tyranny? Or new nation?

AGENT ORANGE: US helicopters cover the land

The effect of dioxins

As the gair rhydd team workthrough the night with onelazy eye on the TV specially

brought in for the election cover-age, in the back of our minds we’reaware that there’s one party we’renot allowed to report on.

Even if they were fielding a candi-date locally, they would have been con-spicuous in their absence from lastweek’s election special. Owing to the‘No Platform’ policy accorded to thisparticular outfit by the Students’Union, I’m not sure I’m even allowedto mention their name, but it rhymeswith British National Party.

Most halfway intelligent peoplewould agree that the BNP have somepretty appalling policies, but that’s nojustification for banning them. In fact,since the Union’s own EqualOpportunities policy states that "TheUnion, its members and employeesshall act without prejudice basedupon…political belief," a ban on cov-erage of the party or formation of a stu-dent political society similar to thosepertaining to the main parties is clearlycontrary to this policy.

The British National Party is there-fore subject to a blanket ban based onassumed racism, when in fact allowingthe party their basic right to freedom ofspeech – and it’s a right that should begranted to everyone, even bigots –while dealing with individual inci-dences of racism as they occur wouldbe much more effective. Let themspeak. They’ll only make themselveslook stupid.

So if the ban is overturned some stu-dents might get offended. Tough.People offend me every day. Knowwhat? I get over it.

The odd anti-English commentnotwithstanding, I’ve never been a vic-tim of racial abuse, so I can’t authorita-tively comment on how I would react insuch a situation, but I’m quietly confi-dent I’d cope.

Obviously racial abuse isn’t verynice, but neither is the non-racial kind.There can’t be a great deal of differ-ence in potential for hurt between‘your Mum’s a whore’ and ‘go back toyour own country’, surely?

There’s an advert currently showingon the sports channels featuring presti-gious black footballers lamentingracially-motivated chanting by igno-rant fans. Footballers are lambasted bythe crowd week in, week out, andbetween ‘you’re shit’, ‘your missus is aslag’ and ‘he’s got a pineapple on hishead’, they’ve probably heard everyinsult imaginable. But as soon as some-one says, ‘you’re shit…and you’reblack’, only then do they object.

I can’t understand why, because if aracist’s only recourse is something aspathetic and ignorant as to dole outabuse based on colour or creed, thenthey’re a moron and their opinionclearly isn’t worth taking any notice of.Ignore them and they just might goaway. Give them that wry smile, theone that implies they’re a cretin, andthen carry on up the charts.

GeordieMay 9 2005

[email protected]

Aware that while the world looks round, it is actually a cube

The Monarch’s blade brieflycomes to rest on the shoul-der of the British Empire’s

latest knightee in a ceremonybrimming with regal pomp andsplendour, one shoulder, then theother. Arise, Sir John. Hangon…Sir? John? Major? The idiotthat was Prime Minister for a bit?

What for, services to specs? Givenhis incompetence, I’m sure thatbefore he miraculously found himselfin charge of the country he was onlykept around by Thatcher as the kindof toadying lackey often foundaround unpopular leaders who pissoff half their population.

Nevertheless, Her Majesty’s latestround of honours has seen the formerConservative PM (I love those wordscoming together like that) rise to theheight of other gallant, notable, lumi-naries such as, er, Elton John andAlex Ferguson. It’s hardly the tradi-tional image of a Knight: armour-cladwarriors valiantly defending Crownand Country from foreign hordes, ortruly world-changing achievers likeNewton.

Although the award is also held byour military leaders, Generals Mike

Jackson and Peter de la Billière (Ret)and by explorer Ranulph Fiennes,carrying on the Walter Raleigh tradi-tion, honorary KBEs have also beenawarded to recipients of questionableworthiness such as Steven Spielbergand Pelé. Since the government rec-ommends nominations to the Queen,it’s very easy for them to apportionthe title as they wish in order to servetheir own political agenda. And con-ferring what is supposed to be a high-ly distinguished honour upon thosewith ambiguous merit is an appallingdisservice to recipients that can gen-uinely claim to have earned their title.

Conversely, it’s becoming increas-ingly difficult for UK servicemen tobe awarded the Victoria Cross. Itseems that in the days before the FirstWorld War all that was required wasfor an officer to come under fire froma fruit-carrying native without theneed for some serious laundry serviceand upon his return there wouldinvariably be a shiny new gong wait-ing for him; "What’s that old boy, yougot shot at? Bloody VC when we getback to Blighty, what."

In the last 25 years, only threeVictoria Crosses have been awarded.Two, from the Falklands, wereposthumous. The other, awarded lastweek, was for a Grenada-born privatewho saved the lives of his colleagueswhile serving in Iraq. From what wasreported in the news, it sounds likePrivate Beharry’s actions contained‘an element of self-preservation’, cir-cumstances in which a nominee isusually denied the VC.

While I don’t wish to in any waybelittle Beharry’s undoubted courageunder fire, a situation in which I cansay with extreme confidence that Iwould ‘make the brown noise’, I can’thelp but infer political motives for theaward at a time when the governmentis receiving increasing criticism fortheir involvement in the Iraq war:"War’s terrible, but aren’t Our Boys

brave" (capitals added for Sun read-ers).

All of our traditional, historic insti-tutions are finding themselves at oddswith the modern world, struggling tofind their place in today’s society. Themost obvious of these is theMonarchy. It’s a constant source ofboth bewilderment and amusementthat the same people who complainabout the ‘scrounging’ unemployedare almost always unabashedMonarchists that conveniently ignorethe millions of pounds that the gov-ernment pays the Queen, who spendsthe majority of her time sitting on herarse, occasionally wiping it with oneof her swans.

In our Constitutional Monarchy,where the Queen reigns but does notrule, Her Maj’s only remaining activerole in governing the nation is to giveRoyal Assent to new Acts ofParliament, which consists principallyof signing a form. I doubt she evenreads it, on account of the fact thatrefusal of Royal Assent would beunthinkable. Hell, it’s not unusual forelected representatives – real compo-nents of government - to fail to readtheir paperwork. Signing a form, ajob a secretary could do for £4.85 perhour, and the Queen gets millions forthe same task. The Lords take anactive role in review of legislation,yet Peers only get expenses.

The Monarchy may have been anintegral part of our history for over athousand years, but we also had along tradition of slavery, religiousintolerance and abortive attempts atthe conquest of countless countries,

but we’ve always allowed room forchange and the Monarchy should beno different. A position descendedfrom dictatorial absolutism, and theassumption that the Lion’s share ofpower goes to either those with thegreatest wealth or the right genes, hasno place in a twenty-first centurygovernment; it’s just not on at all.

The Royals may well bring in a lotof tourists, but I doubt it’s anything anice quick revolution would change.Paris hasn’t suffered fromRepublicanism. So they’ve got the leLouvre and le Tour Eiffel. We’d stillhave Buckingham Palace as a build-ing, just not as the seat of the head ofstate, were we a republic.

Actually, since most of the touriststhat visit London are American, andmost of those the kind of patronisingmoron that treats this country like asenile old grandparent and thinks thatBritain is England and England isLondon, I sincerely doubt many ofthem would even notice if the Queenwere removed from her official func-tion and title, but kept in her Palace.In any case, choosing a system ofgovernment based on its ability tobring in foreign tourists is ridiculous.

Where Monarchists and touristssee grandeur, I see wasteful, unneces-sary extravagance and ostentation;where they see proud history I see avainglorious attempt at holding aposition of privilege by a relic of abygone era, whose role as a figure-head is not only extraneous butcounter-progressive.

The question is, if Britain were todecide that its future is as a republic,how would we remove the Monarchy?It’s not like impeaching a PrimeMinister or President, there’s no pro-cedure in place, and the Queen ishardly likely to give Royal Assent toher family’s removal from the throne.But we’ve removed Royals before,including a King by the name ofCharles.

Britain’s old institutions have Major problems

Geordie

Vampires aren’t supposed tohave a reflection, yetMichael Howard’s likeness

was mocked up to resembleDracula on the front cover of theelection Thursday’s Mirror.

The headline was ‘Vote Labour:There’s too much at stake’. Even ifwe ignore the God-awful standardtabloid pun, the message here isappalling.

We’re lucky enough in this coun-try to have a free press, yet in theirblind support for the government,both the Mirror and the Sun are will-ingly behaving like the state press inthe former Soviet bloc.

Newspapers are, of course, enti-tled to offer their opinion, and doingso is an essential element of journal-ism. But this is telling readers whatto think, and it’s disgraceful.

But it’s not just that the newspa-pers have decided that they have theright to tell us what to think, which isbad enough, but also that avoiding aConservative victory is a valid reasonto cast a Labour vote.

New Labour have also employedthe shameful tactic of using state-ments of celebrity approval, withStephen Fry sending out letters warn-ing of the dangers of a Tory govern-ment.

Encouraging tactical voting isensuring the stagnation of the entirepolitical system.

If the electorate don’t vote for whothey honestly consider the best repre-sentative for them because they don’tbelieve they can win, then nothingcan ever truly change.

If everyone who would like tovote Liberal Democrat, but doesn’t,

because they don’t believe that theLib Dems can win, actually votedfor their first choice then they wouldwin significantly more seats.

In many ways, this is an inherentproblem in Parliamentary democracy(and in a first-past-the-post systemin particular) since the result of theelections for Parliament’s lawmakersalso determines the Cabinet’s lead-ers.

While I’m happy for the LiberalDemocrats’ Jenny Willot to representme in this constituency, it doesn’tnecessarily mean that I want CharlesKennedy leading the country.

The media should be fighting forchange and reform where it is need-ed. Instead they not only condonebut actively encourage voters not tochoose their prefered government,but to settle for second-best.

Ban No Parties

“Sitting onher arse,wiping it with

a swan”

Mirror, mirror on the poll: not very fair at all

Exercise your freedom of speech. Write things. Reply to [email protected]

May 9 2005 Editorial & [email protected]

Raiff once travelled as far asIndonesia to listen to a new bandhe’d found out about from a flyer

in BarFly. The ‘mulu mows’ (meaning

‘tranquillity’ in Indonesian) are aneclectic mix of sitar playing, humdrumming, foot strumming boys andgirls who perform music, which is ‘atease to one’s inner self’. So deep istheir work that their one track,‘Reflection’, is twelve minutes longwith an eight minute interlude of puresilence in the middle: ‘A time to draw.A time to reflect.’

Raiff loves it. It’s rare to findsomething that can so well respectwhat he’s feeling yet at the same timechallenge him to leave his outernegative karma and move himselftowards a more peaceful inner state ofcontent.

Another one of his favourites,‘D’leau’, is a group of Frenchspeaking students, who, whentravelling through Burkina Faso fell inlove with the sounds of the waterfallsjust outside the country’s capital,Ouagoudougou. Inspired by the purityof this ‘clear soul which ripples overthe bosoms of nature’ (or, moresimply, a river running over rocks)they have remained there for nearlyfour years and have taken to makingall of their music through the mediumof water.

They don’t use CDs. They preferrecycled tapes, all of which comepresented in a case made out of driedbamboo leaves and sugar paper. Theirmusic can be played at any time and inany place, provided you are byyourself and in close proximity to anatural source, such as a spring or thesea.

Raiff used to struggle to get hold ofsuch works. With the majority of theartists being against the use of theinternet and most other modern formsof mobile telecommunication systems,he found it hard to keep up to date withthe new releases. Fortunately, however,after meeting a playwright at ChapterArts Centre, who often travels to thesub-Sahara for inspiration, andincidentally, is not overt to sendingSMS text messages, he can now gethold of regular updates of D’leau’sprogress.

Raiff positively scowls at anyonewho listens to ‘fashionable’ music ofthe day, and he’s proud of the fact thathe doesn’t know the frequency of thatdamn awful Radio 1 (although he mustacknowledge the insight of its latefather, John Peel, God rest his soul).

He struggles to find nights out inCardiff that he will enjoy. Cherrybombevenings are always favourable, butthey only occur a couple of times eachyear. Fun Factory, bar its childishname, used to pass his criteria, untilone night it played ‘Build me upButtercup’ by Foundations. He has notreturned to the union since.

In a ploy not to do any revisionand so fail my degree due tolack of work rather than

intelligence, I have spent theweek reading women’s lifestylemagazines aimed at sixteen yearolds right through to youngprofessionals. I was so appalledby the hypocrisy that ran rife, Ibegan keeping tabs after titlenumber three.

All of them employ stories thatemphasise how much you should loveyour cellulite, wonky eyes, flabbystomach etc, but make you feels somuch worse for three reasons. Firstly,the models employed still verge onthe size 6-8 border and infiltrateevery other page. Secondly, theoverwhelming and repeated scream"love your body shape" makes youwonder what is so bad about your

body that you need repeatedassurance for it. Thirdly, even as theycontinue to provide grisly accounts ofcosmetic surgery gone wrong, theback of every single issue containsscores of cosmetic surgeryadvertisements. Obviously they lovethe revenue more than you both loveyour body.

The true-life stories, whilst raisingmuch needed awareness on seriousissues like date-rape and domesticviolence, do leave you with thefeeling that the female sex is not onlymost definitely the weaker one butthat you’re in the minority if youhaven’t had a horrific experience. Thewhole thing just gets ratherdepressing and morbid, as you strifeto find some positivity between themagazine pages.

Advice given concerning

relationship dilemma’s often employthe easy option and give bad advice.Simon Hogg from B magazine June2005 suggests lying to your boyfriendif the number of people you’ve sleptwith is high: "The crucial thing is thatyour number is smaller than his. Ifyou have to go first, pick a small,single-digit number." For fuck’s sake,if he has a problem with the truth, itwill have more to do with hisinsecurities and male perception ofthe word ‘slapper’, in which caseyou’re better off knowing now. At thevery least, men are big boys. They’lltake it.

Articles also appear, chastisingwomen for the amount of debt they’regetting into, while the issue is packedwith fashion pages that supposedlyscream the word bargain, features ofwomen getting strangers on the net to

pay their debt and strippers gettingdirty on the dance floor; this is allgreat advice.

Sex advice is notoriously shite. Allthe magazines simply regurgitatewhat has already been saidconcerning bondage, al fresco sex,food, vibrators and the weird ice cubething (which incidentally hurts yourteeth). Subjects, one spice level up,such as threesomes and lesbiankisses, are still considered taboo andconsigned to the world of malefantasies, which nice girls try todestroy.

This week’s rant now over, I’m leftfeeling rather exhausted, wishing Ihad decent reading material thatdidn’t treat me as a floozy, suicidal ora young teenager needing sexualterms explained to me. Who needsadvice like that?

gairrhydd FREE WORD Media is a powerful tool

when used correctly. Assomebody clinging onto

the incredibly thin toothpick likethe tiny end of the great media batwith which to wallop public opin-ion, I am aware of the power someof the national papers, which sharea page size with our dearly lovedlittle publication, possess.

I also believe that, whilst everybodyhas a right to freedom of speech andopinion, the newspapers should employjournalistic integrity and professional-ism when disseminating information. Itis the media’s job to test the regime,uncover weaknesses and breach theinformation gulf by keeping the publicfairly accurately and honestlyinformed. That’s my belief anyway.

I was therefore absolutely disgustedby the excuse for a newspaper thatdropped into the office this morning.The day before a general election, thefront page of the Mirror: "So, whySHOULD you vote Labour?"

What the hell? It’s not a newspaper’splace to be a party’s mouthpiece. Iquickly scrabbled through to make surethis wasn’t some very expensive ad forthe Labour party, but no, this was doneentirely off their own backs.

Not satisfied with merely telling uswhy we should vote labour, they alsomanage to put it into ultra patronisingform of an 8-page cartoon pull out. TheForwood family, allegedly "…the most

animated family in Britain" have aseries of incredibly one-sided argu-ments as to why Labour is so great.

What the hell makes the Mirrorbelieve we need to be told how to vote?I think most semi-educated adults arecapable of understanding informationthemselves and making an informeddecision. It’s not their job to swaythose who can’t vote based on thiersmall minded opinions. More thanthis, it compromises any kind of jour-nalistic integrity to not even try andgive the other side a hearing; theConservatives are slagged off through-out and the Liberals don’t even get amention.

Every paper, even ours, is going tohave a slant on political parties, a spin,a personal angle. I’ve certainly put apolitical spin on some of my past arti-cles. Tabloids are well known for theirviews. The Mail and Express are obvi-ously right wing papers, The Mirrorand the Sun left wing (or Labour any-way, not that that’s strictly the samething).

This kind of clear bias is disgracefulthough. It is not putting across all sides;it’s not even putting across two sides.It’s only putting across one. It might aswell be an advert for the labour party;I’m surprised they didn’t pay for it.

This is journalism of the worst kind.Undoubtedly, other papers will haveengaged in this practice, and my articleapplies to them too. It’s sad that nation-al papers such as this are stooping solow. It’s a disgrace to the industry.

ROOM 101

By James Emtage

Smoke & Mirrors

Bethany Whiteside’s

By John Foster

StudentStudent StereotypesStereotypes- The Pretentious Music Lo- The Pretentious Music Lover -ver -

Student power

The results are in and the studentvoice has spoken. In a politicalseat that was largely determinedby the student vote, the Labourincumbent has been ousted by theLib Dem who made a concertedeffort to canvass students overthe past few weeks.

The size of her majority – nearly sixthousand votes – shows the strength offeeling in a constituency such as this.

It didn’t matter that Jon OwenJones voted against the war or top-upfees; this was a message to be sentloud and clear to Labour – the studentvote is angry and disappointed withthe current regime.

The message is clear - ignore us atyour peril. We are one of the reasonsfor your reduced majority.

Whether it is Tony Blair, GordonBrown, or A.N. Other who leads theparty through their next term, theyneed to actually start listening to theelectorate as opposed to imposingunpopular and unwanted policies onan unenthusiastic public.

Prognosis – getting better

After several weeks of pushing theissue the NHS Trust and the uni-versity are finally listening to ourcalls for better facilities for med-ical students.

At last, we have a promise that theissue will be discussed at ‘the highestlevels’ with a view towards gettinglockers for medics.

This will not be an overnightchange, as the next board meeting isnot until July.

It is now possible for both the Trustand the university to convert thispledge into reality. Anything less willbe a broken promise.

Slowly but surely the concerns ofour medical students are being lis-tened to and action has been promised.This, at least, is progress.

One last hurrah

We’re now moving towards theend of the year, but while in otherplaces this would signal a winddown, the majority of studentsnow have coursework deadlinesand exams looming large.

Indeed many regular writers of thispaper have problems juggling thetwin demands to keep the paper of aconsistently high quality while work-ing on final year dissertation projects.

But the important thing to remem-ber is don’t panic - you’re in the finalstraight now.

To first and second years - you’restill got time left at university so onebad result or module you’re havingdifficulty getting to grasps with isn’tthe end of the world.

Good luck to all our readers outthere. Remember to take regularbreaks as well as revising to keepyour mind focused.

For both, gair rhydd writers andreaders, we’ll see you on the otherside.

Editorial & [email protected]

Student politics is muchmaligned and understand-ably so, since it is often

undermined by in-fighting andpersonal grievance. Yet it is anessential aspect of student lifeand yes, like all advertisingcampaigns repeatedly pro-nounce, it really does affecteveryone.

Student media plays a key role inthis process. As with national media,it functions to open up discourse onissues that affect its audience, manyof which relate to the way studentsare treated and catered for.

While students undoubtedly valuetheir newspaper, it is equally proba-ble that they do not appreciate theway in which politics can dictate itscontent.

For instance, gair rhydd is fundedby Cardiff Students’ Union andexists because the Union exists.Without the support of the Union,gair rhydd would not appear aroundcampus every week.

And yet, does its readershipunderstand the conflict of interestsall student journalists working inthis environment must suffer? Canthey comprehend the problemsinvolved in running a story criticalof the Union and its workings?

As journalists, we are compelledto uncover and relate the truth to thereadership. It should be our missionto inform the students we serve.Mostly, everyone involved in studentmedia resolves to do this.

But there are repercussions. If theeditor of a student paper prints anarticle critical of the actions of theUnion, he is, in effect, criticising hisemployers. In what other profession,or subculture of a profession wouldthis be the case?

Not only may he incur the wrathof his bosses, he also has to work inthe same building as them, sufferingthe disapproving glances of anyonewho happens to disagree with thenature of an article, irrespective ofwhether it is founded in truth.

As a student journalist of twoyears’ experience, the looks of dis-gust, the silent treatment, the way aroom can turn icy cold uponentrance has begun to wear a littlethin.

A student newspaper is not anewsletter; it is not the mouthpieceof the Union in which it operates,nor is its sole purpose to extol theUnion’s virtues. Students’ Unionsare not run by a superior elite,immune to making mistakes. In astudent body of over 20,000, as isthe case in Cardiff, there is bound tobe unrest and disillusionment at theactions of the body which claims torepresent them, no matter what waythat may manifest itself.

If medical students are sufferingfrom a lack of sufficient facilities,then it is the student newspaper’sobligation to seek answers. Whetherthey understand this or not, and thelikelihood is that they don’t, staff ofsuch organisations should rise abovethe petty, small-mindedness that hasdogged certain aspects of my univer-sity experience.

If a newspaper prints the truththen, in the main, it is beyondreproach. Yet sometimes the truthdoesn’t sit comfortably with theemployees of a Students’ Union. Butthen, sometimes, the truth hurts.

Is it acceptable that my colleaguesand I should have to face recrimina-

tions, admittedly not physical, notyet anyway, for printing the truth? InCardiff ’s case, it has a newspaperwhich can currently call itself thebest in the UK. It’s official.

If Students’ Unions nationwidehad their way, student rags wouldprint publicity material only. They

would be full of smiling officialsexplaining how good their servicesare. As students know from theirown experiences, this is simply notthe case.

Fortunately, we do live in a socie-ty which encourages press freedom.So, you would imagine, gair rhydd

and all other student papers are freeto print whatever they want, as longas it’s truthful.

A strong editor is a brave man. Bethankful that the journalists workingfor you in Cardiff are willing to facethose recriminations in pursuit of thetruth, in pursuit of your interests.

May 9 2005

John Stanton examines the pressure on student newspapers to reflect the views of their unions

PAPER PROPAGANDA?

“a studentnewspaper isnot the mouth-piece of theunion”

The sun beats down upon aflowerbed in bloom. Thesound of children nearly get-

ting run over by an ice cream vanwafts faintly through the air. Thechocolate bar foolishly left on awindowsill melts serenely ontothe floor below.

It’s summer.Autumn, winter, and spring only

exist to build up anticipation for thegolden months of sunshine, like theopening band you have to sit throughbefore Radiohead come on stage.

How disappointing it is then everyyear, as this most excellent of sea-sons rolls around again, that we aredoomed to spend weeks of it study-ing for exams.

Satan didn’t invent exams. I thinkit might have been God - when hetested Moses, those were Moses’GCSEs. But Satan did scheduleexams.

Revision and coursework arelargely indoor pursuits. Sure, you canread a textbook on a grassy knoll out-side, but this usually ends with yousuccumbing to the temptation ofeither a game of frisbee or a sessionof napping.

Exam preparation is suited to theautumn and winter time, when unless

you’re lucky enough to have regularsnow, the outdoor world harboursfew distractions to seduce the mindaway from study. Excluding the 48hours of Christmas Day and NewYear’s Eve, there isn’t that much todo in the rainier months.

If for nothing else, exams shouldbe moved away from the summerpurely for climate concerns. Revisingon a cold December day requiresnothing more than putting on anextra jumper and turning up the radi-ator to full whack.

Revising on a hot June day oftenmeans slowly passing out as theoppressive heat melts your brain,waking up to find that the left side ofyour face has fused with the textbookon your desk. How many of us haveair conditioning? Exactly, and thestudent substitute for it is walkingaround in your underwear. Let’s notfrighten the neighbours; somethingmust be done.

It’s perhaps even worse for the

guys on campus. If being bone-idlewasn’t troublesome enough, manywomen understandably choose thehotter summer months to shed mostof their clothing. Revision is not atall easy when an attractive girl walkspast your window wearing practical-ly nothing but a bikini top and a skirtthat could double as a belt. A non-functional belt at that.

On top of all that, summer is justtoo busy a time for the scheduling ofexams. Nearly all of the greatestevents in life, private and public, hap-pen between May and August: goingto festivals, taking a holiday, or justdriving down to the beach to dig alarge hole. We need time to prepare,plan or simply await in happy antici-pation for these things.

Exams are a scar on this otherwiseglorious landscape of lethargic anddecadent relaxation. Some havealready clued in and started movingthem to January, but this must go thewhole nine yards: no more May orJune exams. Let us reclaim theunspoilt utopia of summertime.

May 9 2005Editorial & [email protected]

By Andrew Rennison

Heat of summer exams

“Let usreclaim theunspoiltutopia of summertime”

Want to contributeto the

gair rhydd?email

[email protected]

May 9 2005 Political [email protected]

Aworking democracy is some-thing to be very proud of andwe should be very thankful

for the right to vote. But our cur-rent system is riddled with prob-lems. It is a far cry from the highideal of the government of the peo-ple, by the people, for the people.We’re deluding ourselves danger-ously if we think we already have agenuine democracy.

Interviewed on Question Time, TonyBlair told the audience that they face asimple choice: him or MichaelHoward as Prime Minister. If this istrue, it immediately begs the questionof Mr Blair, "What do you plan to doto make the election more democrat-ic?"

The domination of the politicallandscape by only two, arguably three,parties is actually anti-democratic. Thebroad range of opinion in this countrycannot be properly represented by onlytwo or three political agendas - andespecially when they are so similar inmany ways.

At the moment, power is far tootop-down. We simply choose betweena narrow set of choices predefined forus by party leaders in Westminster.

It would be much fairer for the bal-ance of power to be shifted much moreheavily towards the individual MPs.Decisions should flow from the bot-tom up: the people choose an MP whoreflects their views to represent them,who then acts on their behalf.

Democracy will be crippled untilwe break the power and dominance ofthe party system.

Another problem is how MPs get into power. Our current ‘first past thepost’ system means that in each con-

stituency, the winner takes all. Thisusually skews the number of MPs tothe bigger parties - Labour’s percent-age of MPs in the last parliament wasgreater than the percentage of thevotes they received.

A much fairer system would be thatof proportional representation. Butfunnily enough, since coming to powerin 1997, Labour hasn’t been too keento investigate that possibility.

This leads to another problem: oncein power, it is incredibly difficult toeffectively oppose anything theGovernment wants to do. The waragainst Iraq was massively controver-sial and vast crowds marched againstit.

Top-up fees were pushed throughby senior Labour party officials coax-ing, bullying and cajoling their under-lings into voting as the party wished.On many issues, the Governmentshowed a dogged determination to gettheir way.

While political conviction is some-thing to be admired, our politiciansmust achieve their aims democratical-ly. No matter how morally right anaction may be, the point of a democra-cy is for the people as a whole to beinvolved in the ruling of our country

through elections of MPs to representus, and other methods of the demo-cratic process. If those we elect fail torepresent us and carry out the will ofthe majority, they are not doing theirjob. They must then be held account-able, or democracy is dead.

A democracy is only as good as thepeople within it. One of the surprisingthings in this election campaign washow many people seemed to be disillu-sioned and angry with Blair, yet stillintended to vote for him. Unless wehold our leaders accountable for theactions they take which we think iswrong, they have no incentive to listento public opinion.

Another worrying issue is that somany people think only in terms ofwhat benefits them - what will makemy tax bill lower, make my life easi-er, make better provision for me?

While important issues, what kindof selfish society are we buildingwhen only consider our own personalpeace and prosperity?

As part of a democratic society, wehave responsibilities to each otherthat must not be forgotten.

At an even more basic level, peo-ple need to get out there to vote.Some people try and excuse theirapathy by saying that "It doesn’tmake any difference - the system’s

broken anyway." There are indeedmany problems with ‘the system’ butthis means that trying to changethings to make a difference is moreneeded than ever.

But voting isn’t the be-all and end-all of taking part in our democracy.Much more important is the involve-ment through talking to your MP,writing letters, joining in campaignsand so on.

Yes, we need to combat apathy. Butthe ballot box is just the beginning.

The election has finished, but forour involvement with the running ofour country, in our democracy, it isjust the beginning.

Delusions of democracy?By Caleb Woodbridge

They mustbe heldaccount-able, ordemocracyis dead

By now, the dust of the electioncampaign has settled, leavingonly a battered yet victorious

individual to stumble through thedoor of Number 10. Howeverexhausting the last months mayhave been for all three of our poten-tial Prime Ministers, it is nothingcompared to how arduous it hasbeen for the electorate.

Every night in the news, every morn-ing in the papers, on and on they wentwith the same old lines. If I hear thephrase "Are you thinking what we’rethinking?" one more time, I’ll throw myshoe at the TV. But one utterance thatalways seemed to stand out amongst thesea of rhetoric was the word "trust".

Trust. Politics. Give these two amoment’s thought and they should gotogether like rum and coke: politiciansare elected to rule us all, so they shouldbe the most trustworthy people in soci-ety. But they’re not.

It was faintly ridiculous when anyof the party leaders raised the issue oftrust over the last four weeks. Howardaccused Blair of lying over Iraq; thisfrom the man whose own party’sdeputy chairman revealed thatHoward was concealing furtherspending cuts until after the election.

Blair accused Howard of havinghidden agendas over issues like theNHS; this from the man who pledgedonly four years ago not to introducetop-up fees. Here, two examplesamong many that illustrate how hol-low mainstream politics has become.

Even the Liberal Democrats, usual-ly a relative beacon of honesty, areshowing cracks in the woodwork.Though possibly down to baby-relat-ed insomnia, Charles Kennedy hadlittle idea about the finer points of histax policy when quizzed about it at hismanifesto launch.

By trying unsuccessfully to coverhis tracks with a few bumbling sen-tences, Kennedy sunk towards the

level of credibility that Blair andHoward had already arrived at. A sadday it was, as voters saw the last rem-nant of political honesty start to slow-ly ebb away.

The film Murder at 1600 is a rea-sonably uninspiring political thriller.It is notable for only two things: a sexscene in the Oval Office, and the line"drowning in a sea of its own bull-shit."

Politicians have got it into theirheads that as a politician you simply

can’t appear be wrong. This is indeedBS and politics is drowning in it.

If Blair had come on TV one dayand said: "Iraq, yeah, I did make somecock-ups, sorry about that" (or some-thing to that effect) it would’ve beenthe day my vote was decided.

Or even if Howard had faced thecameras and said: "Yep, last week Ibacked council tax revaluation, nowI’ve changed my mind for some extrasupport." I wouldn’t have voted forhim, but I would’ve at least respectedhim for having the guts to tell itstraight.

The main parties must work outthat saving face is rarely as effectiveas telling the truth; no more skippingaround questions by repeating indi-rect answers or by asking their ownquestion in a cunning reply. Just "Yes"or "No" will suffice.

A nation without faith in its politi-cians is a pre-Nazi nation. When peo-ple are fed up with liars and deceiversin power, they’ll turn to the extremes.

Sure, the BNP might be Fascistmorons, but at least you can believethem when they say they’ll get rid ofimmigrants.

The electorate must then take azero tolerance policy towards politi-cians: either they stop doing things tolie about, or they stop lying.

IN THE HOT SEAT: Blair on BBC One’s Question TIme

Sacrificing honesty for officeBy Andrew Rennsion

NO TRUST: Anti-war demon-strators

Saving faceis rarely aseffective astelling thetruth

Taf-Od9 Mai 2005 Tud 13

[email protected]

AR FORE dydd Gwener y 6ed o Faideffrodd Cymru i dirlun gwleidyddolnewydd. I rhai, fe fydd y dosbarthi-ad newydd o seddi yng Nghymru ynsioc, i eraill newid am y gorau.

Yma yng Nghaerdydd Canologgwelwyd newid mawr wrth i JennyWillott cael ei hethol ar ran yDemocratiaid Rhyddfrydol gydamwyafrif o bron i chwe mil, ble ym2001 roedd gan John Owen Jones, eingyn-aelod seneddol o’r blaid Lafur,mwyafrif o 700.

Efallai camp y DemocratiaidRhyddfrydol o gipio Ceredigion oddiwrth Plaid Cymru gyda mwyafrif o 219bydd yn dod a’r siom fwyaf i ddarllen-wyr Taf-Od. Yn wir, nid noson Plaidoedd hi wrth iddynt fethu i gipiounrhyw seddi newydd.

Y Ceidwadwyr welodd y twf mwyafyng Nghymru wrth iddynt ennill tairsedd wedi iddynt fod heb sedd yn

Etholiad 2001.Ond Blaenau Gwent, sedd oedd i fod

yn un ddiogel i Lafur, cododd brawfwyaf y noson yn ôl y sylwebwyr wrth iPeter Law, Annibynnwr gynt o’r BlaidLafur, ennill gyda mwyafrif o 9,121.

Felly, mae gan y Prif Weinidog, TonyBlair, a’r blaid Lafur trydedd tymormewn llywodraeth er gyda mwyafrifllawer llai na’r ddau dymor a fu. Mifydd llawer yn sôn am y pwysigrwyddhanesyddol o hyn, ond efallai, i ni ymayng Nghymru codi cwestiynau byddcanlyniad Etholiad 2005.

Mewn amser bydd polisïau’r lly-wodraeth ar gyfer Cymru yn cael eiroi allan ac fe gawn ni weld oswnaethon ni defnyddio’npleidlais ynddoeth.

Gan Elgan IorwerthGolygydd Taf-Od

Tirwedd Gweidyddol Newydd Cymru

CeidwadwyrPlaid CymruLlafurDemocratiaid RhyddfrydolAnnibynnol

Dathlu: Jenny Willot AS Caerdydd Canolog

Sadly for us universityboffins, when we leave thesafety of the student bubble

we are often unprepared for whatcomes next.

Where was the module in work-place communication? Or sellingyour skills to an employer? Withoutthese skills graduates can be leftwithout the ability to win friends andinfluence people in the workplace (i.eget promoted).

It’s not the most comfortingthought for those of us coming to theend of a £10,000, three year detailedstudy of biology or law, is it?

But fear not, help is at hand in theform of new book Talking the Talkby Eimear Barry and FionnghualaKelly.

From their background in psychol-ogy and communication in the work-place the authors noticed the lack ofcommunication skills in recent grad-uates and set about helping studentswith their guide.

gair rhydd spoke to Eimear Barryand Fionnghuala Kelly to find outwhat we can do to prepare ourselvesfor the big, bad world of work.

What inspired you to write thisbook?

We had awareness through contactwith both employers and graduatesthat the transition into the workplacewas not always as effective as it couldbe.

Difficulties with the transitionoften lead to problems includingfrustration, anxiety and missedopportunities.

We thought it would be useful forstudents to have a simple resource,which would assist them in being aseffective as possible, as soon as pos-sible, in the workplace.From your research, which areasdo most graduates struggle within getting a job after university?

Probably the area which posesmost of a challenge for graduates insucceeding at interviews is appreciat-ing the employers’ viewpoint.

Failing to see the interview fromthe interviewers’ perspective oftenprevents them from communicatingtheir relevant attributes and skills in away that matches the employers’requirements.

Your book also includes advice forcommunication within the work-place. Why, in your opinion, domany people miscommunicatewithin their jobs?

Miscommunication occurs in theworkplace for various reasons. One ofthe main reasons we have found islack of forethought and preparationprior to even the simplest communica-tion.

Many people do not appreciate theimportance of identifying their targetaudience, understanding their needsand selecting the optimum communi-cation methods. The key questionwhich people often fail to ask them-selves prior to communicating is‘what do I want to achieve?’

Have either of you experienced anightmare interview? If so, whathappened?

As an interviewer, probably themost difficult situation is where theinterviewee finds it difficult to partic-ipate in the interview process.

Some interviewees fail to realisethat the purpose of the interview is toprovide the interviewer with a suffi-cient amount of information to allowhim to make an informed decision.

The interviewer wants to get toknow the interviewee well enough tomake his or her decision with confi-dence.

What are your tips for job seekinggraduates?

Read our book. It will give youexcellent guidelines on job seekingskills.

For example, do you ever practicerelating your personal history andarticulating your strengths?

This is the main reason why peopleneed to do lots of interviews beforethey get a job. Practicing at home infront of a mirror is just as effectiveand much less labour intensive.

May 9 2005Jobs & [email protected]

By Carly O’DonnellJobs and Money Editor

How to winfriends andinfluencepeople

Eimear Barryand FionnghualaKelly on gettingahead in thebusiness worldwith their newbook Talkingthe Talk

Postcards from the Real World Less than a year ago I was up every Thursday night putting the gair rhydd

news section together. As much as I cursed the 5am finishes and the cold

Domino’s pizza at the time, they both served me in good stead for my

extended student life as a trainee journalist. Anyone who has ever had anything published knows the buzz you get

from seeing your name in print. Admittedly, it took a while (and severe

parental pressure) to get involved with gair rhydd, but after my first article

on ‘corpses used for science research’ – we all have to start somewhere –

I was hooked.Having decided I was going to become a hard-nosed hack, it was time to get work experience.

This is vital to get on to a postgraduate course, which is increasingly the way that trainee jour-

nalists are recruited. It also helps to build a portfolio of cuttings which you can show off to the

terrifying potential course director at your interview. After graduating in English Language, I began a postgraduate diploma in newspaper journalism

at London’s City University in September. Going from 10 to 40 hours a week was the biggest

shock, closely followed by shorthand – which for the first few weeks resembled Egyptian hiero-

glyphics – and the need to crawl out of bed on a Sunday morning to find stories.

Despite all the hard-hitting investigative journalism and fluffy features, my favourite scoop so

far has to be the woman who keeps her castrated dog’s testicles in the freezer.

It’s now job hunting time, so the hoards of ‘why I want to work for the Chipping Sodbury

Observer’-style letters are currently winging their way to editors all over the country.

If you want to go into the media, and despite the crap pay it is worth it I promise, then make

the most of your time here and get involved in student media. I made some of my best friends

while sweating away at a clapped-out Apple Mac, who have all gone on to have careers in jour-

nalism.Wish you were here? Anna Hodgekiss

May 9 2005 Jobs & [email protected]

Car Owner Drivers Requiredfor local deliveries in Cardiff

! Earn up to £9.00 per hour! Flexible working hours! And Free Pizza!Call Andrew on 02920 229977for more information.

Car Owner Drivers Required

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the Universityand some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time workwith external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, pleasebring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please comeand see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Part-Time Assistants

Roath£5.25p/hrMon - Fri 3pm - 6pm

Ongoing

A small friendly mail order com-pany requires part time mem-bers of staff to pick pack anddispatch orders arriving fromsuppliers. Staff must have ahigh attention to detail and becomputer literate.

126

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area:Tal/Wage:Oriau/Hours:

Parhad/Duration:

Manylion/Details:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

Freewheel Host

Austria/Switzerland£170 p/wkFlexible, DaytimeStart-end of June/early June 4-8weeksHosts are required to provideinformation and support toguests, to meet them at airportsand stations, transfer luggageand liase with hotels. Youshould have a mature outlook,speak proficient German orFrench, possess a full drivinglicence, have a pleasant person-ality and knowledge of bicyclemaintenance. 124

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area:Tal/Wage:Oriau/Hours:Parhad/Duration:

Manylion/Details:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

Hospitality StaffCardiff/Newport£5 p/hr8 hrs per day for 4 daysThursday 2nd June - Sunday 5thJune70 X Hospitality staff (Food andBeverage Assistants) requiredfor the Wales Golf Open at theCeltic Manor.Essential requirements:Friendly hard working and avail-able for the 4 days. Excellentpresentation, good customerservice and previous experiencean advantage but not essential.125

Swydd/Job:Ardal/Area:Tal/Wage:Oriau/Hours:Parhad/Duration:

Manylion/Details:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

The Times Film First MovieScreening Promotion StaffCardiff£50 per promotion8 hrs per promotionOct 2005 - May 2006This role involves distributingpublicity materials on behalf ofthe Union Shop, co-ordinatingand up-dating Sublime withinformation about how the pro-motion is going and document-ing the entire campaign forreporting back to the film clientand The Times.Essential requirements:Outgoing, confident, reliable 1stor 2nd year students with aninterest in marketing, pr and pro-motions.127

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area:Tal/Wage:Oriau/Hours:Parhad/Duration:Manylion/Details:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

Boys choo-choose train driver asideal job

A TRAIN DRIVER is still the most pop-ular dream job for young boys accord-ing to AllTheJobs.co.uk, while for girlsnursing and teaching topped the list.

Children are more familiar with peo-ple working in the public sector who aremore easily recognisable through theiruniforms, and used more often in sto-ries and as role models.

The survey revealed, perhaps obvi-ously, that few children pursue theirdreams into adulthood and often end upin completely unrelated employmentfields.

Applying early increases employability

‘APPLY EARLY’ would be the advice ofexperts in the science of psychometricsin the workplace.

The SHL Group have concluded thatthose who apply for jobs shortly afterthey are advertised have a higherchance of success than their ‘just intime’ opposing applicant.

A possible reason offered by gradu-ate recruiters is that the brightest peopleare also the most organised and there-fore apply earlier.

Ox-ford escort service

A FOURTH-YEAR Classics student atOxford University has set up a websiteoffering the public the chance to datewhat he deems as bright intelligent stu-dents from the universities ofCambridge and Oxford.

Oxbridge-escorts.com, which willoperate a strict no-sex policy when itbecomes fully operational in mid-Junethis year, says it is also providingemployment for students and a sourceof income to reduce their debts.

News in brief

It’s got a decent salary, substan-tial holidays and job satisfaction,and it appears teaching is claw-

ing back in the career popularitystakes. Enquiries to the teachinginformation line have risen 33%since last year and each dayapproximately 117 eligible peoplecall to find out how they can signup to train.

It’s quite a different situation fromjust a few years ago, when many sawthe stresses of teaching and fallingstandards in school discipline as scar-ing off many candidates. The newadvertising campaign by the TeacherTraining Agency featuring a group ofbeaming secondary-school kids and thequestion "Do you ever have discussionswith people who haven't made theirminds up yet?" seems to have helpedthe cause as well. They have empha-sised the classroom having an atmos-phere of fun and enthusiasm and thejob satisfaction it can provide. To see pupils succeeding in great partdue to you, the job can feel like the bestin the entire world. Roughly 41,000training placements have been allocat-ed by the Department for Education

and Skills this year. Last year, the fig-ure was around 35,000. The new candi-dates for the job are more likely to begraduates too, with around ten per-centof those graduating entering teaching.The Postgraduate Certificate ofEducation (PGCE) is the most popularway to go into teaching and takes a yearof full-time study to obtain. There isalso the Graduate Teacher Programmewhere applicants are trained and paidwhile working in a school.The financial reward from teaching

isn’t too bad either. Those who take thepostgraduate training scheme receive£6,000-£7,000 tax-free financial sup-port and help is available from the gov-ernment to pay off any debt too.Teachers who are qualified in specificsubjects such as maths, science, mod-ern languages or English can alsoobtain a £4,000-£5,000 golden helloafter induction.Salaries for teachers are pretty high too,with a newly qualified teacher startingout on about £19,000 (£22,500 in innerLondon), with more experienced teach-ers earning nearer £32,000 (£38,500 ininner London). Not everything is rosythough: there are still high dropoutrates, along with issues of workloadand pupil behaviour. For more informa-tion visit www.teach.gov.uk.

By Tom ScobieJobs and Money Editor

Girls1 Nurse 2 Teacher 3 Vet 4 Air hostess 5 Actress 6 Policewoman 7 Doctor 8 Author 9 Hairdresser 10 Ballerina

Boys1 Train driver2 Footballer3 Policeman4 Doctor5 Firefighter6 Scientist7 Soldier8 Astronaut9 Vet10 Rich

Pass your pearls of wisdom onto the next generation

Just the job for you

STAFF FROM the Health Centreand Sports and Exercise will beout and about in the Viriamu JonesGallery (main building) on Friday13th May promoting HealthChallenge Wales and the CancerResearch "Fruity Friday".

They will be combining theirexpertise to offer a number of chal-lenges and opportunities to staff andstudents.

"Fruity Friday" is in support of theCancer Research Fund Cancer preven-tion Week and aims to promote theimportance of eating at least 5 por-tions of fruit and vegetables each day.A quiz will be run on the day to testpeople’s knowledge and the first cor-rect winner drawn from the entries willwin 3 months Gold Membership of theUniversity Fitness and Squash Centre,Park Place and the University SportsCentre at Talybont.

Visitors to the stand will also havethe opportunity to have a fitnesscheck, including blood pressure, bloodglucose and cholesterol check, and

body mass index calculation.Nurses will be available to advise

on healthy eating, reducing the risk ofheart disease, cancer, obesity and dia-betes.

Staff from Sport and Exercise willbe there to demonstrate items ofequipment commonly used in the cen-tres and advise visitors about the leveland type of exercise they would rec-ommend. If you feel up to the chal-lenge come and visit us and makeFriday 13th a great day.

Health 9 May 2005

[email protected]

Did you know?

Substance abuse can be a cause ofdepression in young people?

For advice on all health issues con-tact:

Cardiff University Health Centre, 47Park Place

Tel 02920 874810

Weighing up your optionsFollowing the recent obesity debates, food brands have accelerated their attemptsto maintain their market popularity by extending their ‘healthy’ food ranges. FarahAhmed investigates just how healthy they are.

Sain

t or

Sin

ner?

A new twist on an old favourite. Yummybiscuits half coated in milk chocolate. Byfar the winner with only 54 kcals per bis-cuit and 1.1g of saturated fat. Also low intrans fatty acids. These biscuits taste real-ly, really good - however they do contain0.03g sodium per biscuit, so be careful notto eat too many in one day (which will behard to do, but necessary!) They are anabsolute bargain at 79p!

Sainsbury’s Malted Milk Biscuitswith Milk Chocolate. 250g. 72p

Sainsbury’s Be Good To Yourself MilkChocolate Digestive Biscuits. 400g.

79p

Weight Watchers Double Choc ChipCookies, 6 individual portions of 2

cookies. 85p

Each portion contains 102kcals, 1.1g satu-rated fat and only 0.1g sodium. Howevereach portion contains 6.3g of sugar, whichmeans that you may only get a temporarysugar rush rather than a steady release ofenergy. However, at 85p they are goodvalue, and each portion is individuallywrapped to ensure freshness. Worth keep-ing two in your bag for a snack..

The only advantage these biscuits hold overtheir rivals is value for money. They areclearly the unhealthiest, with 80kcals and1.5g saturated fat per biscuit. They are alsoladen with ingredients such as butter oiland refined syrup, which are bad for cho-lesterol levels. They contain 4.9g of sugarand 0.07 of sodium so should definitelyonly be eaten as an occasional treat. So,despite their claims, they are not very goodfor you!

Are you feeling

fruity?

TURN THROUGH any food maga-zine today and you will be facedwith endless advertising forhealthier choices. Go to any super-market and suddenly each storehas a proliferation of reduced fatand reduced sugar alternatives.

Supermarkets have come underattack recently for the marketing ploysthey support, such as the Walkerscrisps ‘Books for Schools’ and Tesco’svouchers for computer equipment.Given that that the threat of a ban onunhealthy food promotion has becomeso significant, many companies havebeen forced to introduce healthieralternatives. The question is, are theydoing this for the greater good, or for aconvenient re-boost to their image?

Recently supermarket labels andpackaging have been proven to be mis-leading. The Consumers Associationhave found that some food manufac-turers are using extravagant claims,and healthy looking packaging to dis-guise the fact that their products are

not as good for us as we might think. A survey conducted by the watch-

dog Which? has proven that that manyhealthy option biscuits, mueslis andready meals can contain just as muchsaturated fats and sugar as their nor-mal equivalents.

For example, Sainsburys Be GoodTo Yourself choc chip cookies, have ahigher calorie count per serving than

the standard product with a salt leveltwice as high. And for this illusion,you pay a much higher price. Topstores reportedly charge up to threetimes as much for the ‘healthier’ prod-ucts than the ordinary ones.

Marks & Spencer, for example,charge £2.29 for its Count On Ushealthy muesli, and £1.59 for the nor-mal. Yet it has only 9 per cent fewer

calories. And according to the Which?Magazine, 40 per cent of consumersare now prepared to pay these higherprices.

The main risk with deceiving mar-keting is that people are trusting thebrand rather than comparing thelabels.

Buying healthy option biscuits withmore salt, muesli with more sugar andan Asda's Good for You lasagne withmore saturated fat than the standardproducts, is not actually ‘healthy’. Saltis linked to high blood pressure, whilefat and sugar are behind the currentobesity epidemic.

A balance of all nutrients is whatmakes food nourishing. A low fat foodthat is very high in added sugars andsalt is not necessarily a healthy option,yet these are the misconceptionssupermarkets are exploiting, includingthe labelling of meals as low in fatwhen it is still very high in sugar.

Many brands also fail to label thepresence and quantity of trans-fats,

these are linked to the bad form ofcholesterol which clogs arteries. It isstill just as vital that we take all factorsinto account when choosing the foodsthat are good for us to eat.

Also, many other alternativeoptions reduce the sugar but replace itwith sweeteners such as Aspartame,which has been linked to cancer bymany alternative doctors.

Furthermore, brands that reducetheir fat, sugar and salt levels still haveto maintain flavour and this is fre-quently achieved through preserva-tives and additional additives.

Healthy eating ranges should be aquick and easy way to identify healthyoptions without having to scour thesmall print but, as this has proven, youstill need to be aware of the labels tobe sure you are getting the health ben-efits and calorie savings you want. Ourwarning is, do not presume that the‘healthier’ option is necessarily betterfor you, or your wallet.

5/5 3/5 1/5

The average child watches anastonishing 22 hours of tele-vision per week, which means

that by the time they are 70 they’llhave spent 7-10 years of their lifesitting in front of the TV.

Saturday morning TV, the home ofsupposedly ‘safe’ entertainment and allthat is wholesome and good, containson average 20-25 acts of violence perhour. This culminates in the average 18year old having viewed around200,000 acts of violence on TV.

Most of this violence is hardlyrecognised as such by the majority ofchildren, who are now desensitised toslapstick cartoons; even the oldfavourite ‘Tom and Jerry’ is essentiallya cat and mouse attempting to beateach other up. The increasing amountof violence on TV and in other formsof the media is gradually coming intofocus again as the ‘media effects’debate gathers steam.

There is now an underlying trend toblame deviant behaviour, especiallythat by teenagers, on the media. It wasno surprise then, in a recent case wherea young man killed his girlfriend, tosee the media try to pin his horrificactivities on another cause, rather thanadmit responsibility. When, on January21 this year, Luke Mitchell was jailedfor the 2003 killing of his girlfriendJodi Jones, the media was immediatein picking up on the macabre details ofthe crime; the frenzied nature of theattack and the links to Satanism.

In particular, many newspaperswere quick to point out the similarities

between Jodi’s murder and the BlackDahlia murder of 1940’s Hollywoodactress Elizabeth Short. Through thisparticular doorway many tabloidpapers, including the Daily Mail, DailyExpress and the Sunday Mirror, haveto varying degrees suggested thatMitchell was somehow ‘warped’ by themusic of Marilyn Manson.

Manson has repeatedly paintedimages of the Black Dahlia murder,prints of which are available for sale onhis website. But can we really assumethat the words and actions of someonein the public eye could influence ayoung man to kill his girlfriend withseemingly no prior warning?

During the trial the prosecutionattempted to prove that Manson’s workwas connected to Jodi’s murder. TheHigh Court in Edinburgh was shown aMarilyn Manson DVD owned byMitchell, featuring two girls tiedtogether and struggling while hoodsare placed over their heads.

In favour of this ‘effects model’ wayof thinking, a leading pathologistProfessor Anthony Busuttil told thecourt that there was a similaritybetween the paintings displayed onManson’s website and the injuries suf-

fered by Jodi; although DetectiveConstable Adam Brunton, a witnessfor the prosecution, admitted that nomaterial concerning the Black Dahliamurder had been found at Mitchell’shome. However, the press still went onto print headlines such as “Evil ofGoth Rock That Led to Horror Killingof Jodi, 14” (The Daily Express,January 22 2005).

These articles emphasised the roleof Mitchell’s musical tastes more thanthe fact that he was allegedly smokingenough cannabis per day for a police-man involved with the case to com-ment on the effect it would have had onhis mental state: “even for an adult itwould have been difficult to function”stated Det. Con Brian Melrose in courtduring the trial.

Scapegoat

While Mitchell was a prolific druguser, many newspapers and othermedia chose to point the finger at ‘vio-lent lyrics’ and the behaviour of a rockstar as a leading factor in Mitchell’satrocious crime. Manson admits thathe expects this kind of attention: ‘I cansee why they would pick me; as it’seasy to throw my face on TV, becauseI’m a poster boy for fear.’

This isn’t the first time that Mansonhas been singled out as being partiallyresponsible for the crimes of others;the shooting at Columbine HighSchool, Colorado in 1999 was anothercase on which the public were guidedby the media to look at MarilynManson, gothic music, violent moviesand video games as alienating theirchildren; turning them from little

cherubs to dangerous monstersovernight.

Isn’t this a very simplistic view ofthe world to assume that violent mediaare solely responsible for causing vio-lent behaviour?

Although there are some seriouslyunbalanced individuals out there whowill feed off what they see in the mediaat large, and by this I mean any kind of‘violent’ images or suggestion fromtelevision, films and beyond, I believethat we should be able to look deeperinto this issue and see that the mediadoes not act alone in influencing peo-ple’s behaviour.

In the case of Luke Mitchell, hisdrug use should be seen as anotherimportant factor in the events that ledto his murderous behaviour.

And let’s not forget that it’s noweasy for criminals (because of all thishype around ‘dangerous’ media) tocast their minds over the contents oftheir DVD collection or CD rack andblame their actions on a seeminglyinnocuous media item: the modernway of saying ‘the devil made me doit’.

A similar kind of controversy fol-lowed the murder of James Bulger inthe early 1990s by two other youngboys who had been allegedly watchingthe violent film, ‘Child’s Play 3’ beforethey abducted him. The irony is thatthe film’s narrative is largely devotedto a desperate attempt to save the lifeof a small child, rather than ending it.If the boys had watched the film, andthere is no real evidence that they did,then their crime might not necessarilyhave been based on their viewing expe-rience.

This detail was not given much cov-erage in the media at large; instead,newspaper readers were encouraged toprotest against the sale of ‘video nas-ties’ and burn copies of the film thatthey already owned. The moral panicthat ensued over the video nasty affairhad therefore no real basis, yet manyfilms were banned from the UK, someof which are still unavailable to thisday.

There is not necessarily a connec-tion between violent films and violentbehaviour; violent films may in factdiscourage violent behaviour throughits gritty portrayals of the horrificnature of violent crime.

A study by an affiliate of the BritishBoard of Film Classification showedthat, when two groups of 15-year-oldboys (offenders and non-offenders)were asked what their favourite filmwas, there was only a one per-cent dif-ference between the groups whose

favourite film had an 18 certificate. The study also showed that back-

ground had a much larger effect on thegroup of offenders, most of whomwere from one parent families and hadhistories of abuse and or drug use.

So are we patronising mass audi-ences too much? Can’t we trust themto make their own judgements, and notblindly commit ‘copycat’ violence?

Some directors and producers arecottoning on to the fact that it is moreinnovative to make a film about vio-lence, rather than one that simply con-tains violence. Oliver Stone’s NaturalBorn Killers has been the site of muchdiscussion around the media effectsdebate. One woman in America tookthe producers of the film, RegencyEnterprises, to court after she wasparalysed by being shot by a couplethat supposedly later blamed theiractions on their recent viewing of thefilm.

Oliver Stone defends his film point-ing out that it is ultimately a film aboutviolence, not a violent film. At onepoint during the film, the main charac-ter, played by Woody Harrelson has theironic words ‘Too Much TV’ projectedonto his body – making a statementabout the state of society and our will-ingness to believe that violent behav-iour must be caused by something outof our control.

We are increasingly trying to rejectour moral culpability, and live moreand more in a ‘blame culture’, in whichwe try to wriggle out of our ownresponsibilities and actions as much aspossible.

Moral Panic

More recently, the director Gus vanSant’s Elephant, which tried to ratio-nalise and explore the issues aroundyouth violence and media effects, wascriticised for being too violent upon itsrelease in 2003.

Perhaps we should give the audi-ence enough credit to decipher thefilms meaning, i.e. that it is not themedia that inspires violence amongst adisaffected youth, but the causes oftheir distancing of themselves frommainstream society.

Violent ‘slasher’ films are designedfor audience gratification, butElephant was described as an ‘anti-slasher’ film - nobody ‘deserved’ todie, unlike those in a ‘classic’ slasherfilm morality - and their pointlessdeaths are an anti-climax and do notincite excitement or praise.

We deserve more credit than this;those who commit violent acts in oursociety do so in most cases becausethey are inclined to regardless of theirviewing habits.

It is convenient for both the newsmedia and the perpetrator to blameviolence on TV, on cinema and on themass media in general, instead of fac-ing up to the fact that other, less com-fortable factors are involved - whetherthat be abuse in the home, bullying,drug use or a myriad of other reasons .

Violent media viewing is only asmall part of their psyche.

The TV made me do it!Media May 9 2005

[email protected]

By Laura MurphyMedia Reporter

When teenager Luke Mitchell horrifically mudered his girlfriend in 2003 the mediawere quick to blame Marilyn Manson and reopen the ‘media effects’ debate.

“Evil of GothRock that ledto horrorkilling of Jodi,14 ”The Express MANSON: Not to blame

Free StuffMay 9 2005

[email protected]

grab!WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

SINCE ALL travellers love to brag about their adven-tures on the road, Lonely Planet is giving them thechance to. With its first global online game gearedat swapping travel tales, tall and true, travellerscan tell the world.

Got a story so outrageous it seems like it couldn’tpossibly be true? Have a talent for writing fiction thatreads like fact? Always the literary critic? Able tospot a big fat lie from miles away? These are allattributes of the perfect player for the Lonely Planet‘Stranger Than Fiction’ game.

From April 26 to June 21, 2005, travellers canwrite their travel stories and read the experiences ofothers online at www.lonelyplanet.com/play.

Play as a writer or a reviewer, or both. Whether aseasoned country-hopper or one who has never trav-elled, players can read and write as many stories asthey like, with increased chances of winning one ofthe fantastic prizes every time they play. Peers willjudge stories, with fellow travellers weighing in themerits and likelihood of each posting. Players canlog in and check their scorecards to keep track oftheir progress and standing during the course of thegame.

Lonely Planet has teamed up with Gecko’sAdventures to award the First Prize Writer and theFirst Prize Reviewer in the ‘Stranger than Fiction’competition a Gecko’s ‘Amazon & Incas’ 14-day holi-day to South America.

As if that’s not enough, Lonely Planet has also puttogether everything a traveller needs for a trip, includ-ing World Nomads travel insurance, Teva footwear, anIcebreaker jacket, a Macpac travel pack, an Ekitphone card, and of course, Lonely Planet’s range ofShoestring Guides, plus much more for the grandprize and runner-up winners.

How does it work? Every time you play the game,you get one entry into the prize draw for the roleyou’re playing (two separate prize databases, one forwriters, one for reviewers). At the end of the game,Lonely Planet will draw winners from each database.Runners up will be chosen at random from each cate-gory.

So, if something amazing happened to you whileon the road or if you’ve got a fertile imagination, thenmake sure you visit www.lonelyplanet.com/play fromApril 26 through June 21 and take the challenge,kids. What are you waiting for?

Win a Holiday with

I FEEL better about myself now. I am notsimply providing a distraction to you allwhen you should be workinghard but I am also helpingyou with your studies. Ihave managed to get mymitts on some free officesoftware for you luckyreaders.

Ability SoftwareInternational havedeveloped new officesoftware especiallyto meet theneeds of stu-dents like us.The package,Ability OfficeBasics, deliv-ers word pro-cessing,spread-sheet,photo-editing,photo-album anddrawing mod-ules. And at only£29.99, you mustagree it provides excep-tional value for money.

Ability Office Basics pro-vides the most popular featuresof the company’s acclaimed com-mercial software, Ability OfficeProfessional. One of the greatest

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This dedicated home software solu-tion is perfect for a wide range of

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ly easy question and get yourselfone of the two copies I have

stored up in the office for free.Where should you visit to find

your nearest Ability stockist? Enterin the usual way.

ONCE AGAIN, my lovely self at grab! is giv-ing you poor hard-working students a help-ing hand. If you have done no work and nolonger have enough time to cram in allthat revision I have the perfect competi-tion for you.

Fox’s have come up with the first ever‘cramming confectionery’ to help you outwith all that exam preparation.

Fox’s XXXTREME is theworld’s first energy boost-ing sweet. As it isfused with taurineand caffeine,it is

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XXXTREME comes in convenient tubes,meaning that you can have them to handwherever and whenever you need that extrapush, so when it comes to the exam hall,they’ll be more effective than that usualpack of mints. One pack of XXXTREME con-tains the equivalent of 2 cans of the lead-

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HELLO THERE my lovelies. After my alcohol special last week, I thought I would do the right thing and launch some competitions that will actually help you withyour revision and coursework. How nice of me. Then, as the summer holidays are coming up I thought I would give you a taster of some of the great things youcan do once all the work is finished (i.e. go on holiday) just so you can be sure of a light at the end of the tunnel. If you fancy any of the stuff on this page simply email me at the above address. Good luck kids xx

Five Minute [email protected]

1. Why was Boris Johnson sacked?

A: Having an affairB: Pissing off LiverpoolC: Lying about his affairD: Being utterly stupid

2. Which US President left his semen on a bluedress?

A: BushB: ClintonC: ReaganD: Eisenhower

3. What was the name of the film on Watergatestarring Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffmancalled?

A: All the King’s MenB: All the President’s MenC: NixonD: Liar Liar

4. Which of the following has not had an affair?

A: David MillerB: John MajorC: Jeffrey ArcherD: Charles KennedyE: All of the above

5. Whose daughter was recently caught up in adirty dancing scandal?

A: Michael HowardB: President BushC: President ChiracD: Robert Kilroy-Silk

The Big Quiz** or the rather small quiz about

political scandal

May 9 2005

Fact me till i fartBecause it would be downright rude not to

Name a politician with the samefirst name as a Wimbledon win-ning tennis player (apart fromBoris Johnson!)

in the (virtually impossible) event of a tie . . .

So another week, another five minutes of fun! Thought it would be highly appropriate to think back to some ofthe political scandals we’ve witnessed after the scandal-free election campaign of 2005! Although a Tory gov-ernment would ensure plenty more!

Holly

??

AnnSummers:1.C, 2.B, 3.B, 4,D, 5.B

Name: _____

E-Mail: _____

Tie-breaker:

To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up tothe office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes

around the union.

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, FineIndian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

1) ‘Formicophilia’ is the fetish for havingsmall insects crawl on your genitals

2) Donald Duck comics were banned fromFinland because he doesn’t wear pants

3) Finger nails grow 4 times faster than toe-nails

4) Human thigh bones are stronger than con-crete

5) At 40 degrees centigrade a person loosesabout 14.4 calories per hour by breathing

Eeek! It’s Geek Week for Freaks

The ultimate nerd accessory hitsthe shops this week. Not only is itanimated (nerd value+50) it’s alsoonly available on dvd (nerd value+100), it’s also sci-fi (nerd value+200) , related to Star Wars (nerdvalue +500) and best of all, is themissing link between Star WarsEpisodes II and III (nerd value +adinfinium). You know it makes sense,you know it’s Star Wars: CloneWars (released May 9th). Havingspent more than 5% of my life out-doors and away from internet news groups in the last few years, I have pre-cisely no knowledge about what goes on in Clone Wars, apart from that it’shotly anticipated. But then if you’re tied up to a large stick of dynamite witha wire rope half-strangling you and a burning fuse slowly edging closertowards you, your untimely death would also be hotly anticipated so Iwouldn’t cream yourself just yet. I found out the other day that ‘Nasty’ NickCotton from Eastenders appears in Return of the Jedi. Let’s hope his char-acter is reprised in Episode III. Actually, can you reprise something thatoccurs in a prequel? I’d also like to add at this point I don’t know anythingabout Star Wars in general, having never watched any of this pathetic, pif-fling bollocks (nerd value -5000)

Yo! Another seven scintillatingdays have gone, didn’t they justspeed by? No, you were too busy upto your eyelids in revision notes andfiltered coffee? Unlucky, I don’t haveany exams and can therefore feaston this weeks veritable smorgas-bord of greasy cholesterol-tastictelvisual toss-ups. First things first,the original film of Buffy theVampire Slayer (Friday, BBC111.35pm) starring DonaldSutherland slices through the latenight schedule like a two-bit nerdwith a stanley knife, which conve-niently, is pretty much what happensin the film. It is worth watching tonote how much of he original plotand characters they used to makethe subsequently awesome series;ie- not very much. However, thiswhole thing clashes with TV Deskfaves and current holders of thecoverted can-we-possibly-go-on-about-them-any-more award,Montreal’s Arcade Fire, being onLater With Jools Holland (FridayBBC2 11.35pm) so you’ll have tomake your mind up well in advance.Although since the original smoothshite also has The Foo Fighters andthe Black Eyed Peas performing, youcould just flick across on the bitswhere old Don Sutherland is doinghis preachy slayer-legacy speachesand catch a bit of Canadian loveli-ness.

Another program you’dbe fooling to miss isHappy Slapping: ATonight Special(Thursday ITV1,10pm). Aninsight intothe “lat-e s t

trend” (that is to say, it’s happenedtwice and the Daily Mail’s got hold ofit) of teenagers beating the livingcrap out of a stranger and filming iton their video phones. This should,by rights, be hilarious and if it leadsto a worldwide ban on video phonesand thus stopping morons at gigstrying to film the band onstage andtrying to recreate sweeping ‘Top ofthe Pops’ style camera movementsright infront of me, then bring onTrevor McDonald and his overex-huberant damning documentary dic-tations.

Another week gone and we’reanother step closer to ending theyear on a high. By the time you readthis, we’ll have found out if TV Deskhave won best section at the Media

Awards. Why wouldn’t we? Thisweek, you should tune into DennisNorden’s 8th Laughter File(Wednesday, ITV1, 11pm) becauseit’ll probably be the last time you seehim on TV before he pops his clogs.When he’s passed on, his clipboardwill be auctioned off for countlessmillions. We’ve already sorted outsome spare change to pay for it all.

One more gem for you, and a wel-come return to our hallowedscreens is The Munsters (Daily,BBC2, 11.30am). The cheap rip-offof the Adams family (or the forerun-ner of it, my knowledge isn’t great) isa b/w classic. It’s one of thoseshows you probably wouldn’t everwatch if you were forced to butbecause it’s on all week, and there’snothing better on, you’ll feel the

need to watch it. I’m off now tocollect my Media Award

for best donkeybeater and

P o p eBasher.

Award-Winning TelevisionMay 9 2005

thisweek@wecan’tbearsed.com

This week’s leg in the TV’s Desk: May 2 - May 8 2005

Fists are flying, chavs are dying whilst the Tonight team are prying

Parents who pierce their childrensears before they can speak, peo-ple who buy posters, not beingable to find any hats in town thataren’t sun hats or baseball caps orwith cannabis leaves on, beingcalled pretentious just becauseyou’ve taken time out to be inter-ested in something, Colin Farrelbeing deified for being a lad-aboutHollywood, JK and Joel’s racist,sexist banter being deemed the‘future’ of the Radio 1 chart, VEday nonsense already in flow, thefact that we have a television inthe office tonight, six TV writers and are surrounded by last week’s gairrhydd and someone still asked what’s on now, groups of student boys whoall put their arms around each other and gurn when someone playsKasabian in a club, the old man who foams at the mouth when he talkswho walks down The Hayes, new pictures of The Knobbing Frog dressed upin regal clothing and the Mona Lisa, having my discman stolen outside TheBarfly, haggardness and tiredness combining in one foul concoction, my fin-gernails, my hair, my face etc...

Radio 2 keep pulling out greatnights of radio out of their neatgray and brown holdall-style bag.This Tuesday, We have SteveLamacq displaying his grey rootsby presenting a show about ‘prop-er’ European music in The RealEurovision (8.30pm) with aninterview with Madeleine Peyroux,who’s a lovely French lass wholooks like the singer fromStarsailor. Shortly after is thenext in the series of programscelebrating fifty years of the IvorNovello awards (The Ivors at 50,9.30pm) the only ceremony toacknowledge songwriting AND therecord that sells the most num-bers of copies regardless of howcrap it is. Finally to round off thenight, the ubiquetous MarkRadcliffe (10.30pm) has thewonderful Martha Wainwright insession, whose BloodyMotherfucking Asshole should winboth an IN AND Eurovision.

Having gone from a angst-riddenteenage plank who self-harmed toTravis singles, Lisa Hunter has notonly turned into Lisa Munter, butalso Little Lisa Fucksalot. I’vewatched Hollyoaks twice this yearso far in the hope that the twobest characters (Lee Hunter andSteph Dean) are in it, which nei-ther of them have been, andinstead I’ve been subjected to thistawdry bint having two entirely dif-ferent affairs with Jake whatshisname who used to be in Night andDay, and now with past-his-sell-by-date rent-a-Beckham Ben. Quite achange. If this is supposed toresemble reality, then I’m going tohead down to Liquid tomorrownight to check out all the ex-man-ics fans I used to know out inboob tubes trying to molest thebouncers. Lisa the hunted hasdefinitely become the Hunter.

The PubRub a DubDub, The OldF i s h e r m a nand Faggot isthe hot spotto rock thissummer. The pub, no matterhow decripit it is, has somuch more class than yourinner city vomitorium. Plus,who wears a white shirt andhot pants to the pub? Exactly.

It’s the end of the road for WestBrom, Norwich and CrystalPalace, the unlucky losers in thebeautiful game of football. Youtried your best, but 4th from bot-tom BELONGS to Southamptonyou bunch of dead-beat champi-onship try-hards. A good effort,but you’re going DOWN. Match ofthe Day. (Saturday 10.30pm)

Bee Movie thrills are causing abuzz on Five (Wednesday3.45pm) with the amaze-stingstory of Deadly Invasion: TheKiller Bee Nightmare. With a titlethat tantilising, how can you pos-sibly say no? Apparently this filmwas made straght for TV. No shit,Sherlock.

The ClubSorry what?What? Erm canyou wrap yourmouth around myear and com-pletely yell what you’re trying tosay, I can’t hear you. Oh, themusics crap, I think so too. Isaid I think so too! Hang on, I’llwrite it down, you got a pen? Isaid have you got a pen?Have.You.Got.A.Pen?

HOT NOT

SOAPS

FILMS

SPORT

RADIOTV John Hates DVDS TO RENT/BUY

Bap Happy Chappies Get Slappy For Trev’s Lackeys

06:10 The Hoobs: Not a HorseNo shit. 06:35 The Hoobs:Elbows Elbows are great. Elbowsare lovely. I’m talking bollocks. Idon’t care.07:00 TransworldSport 08:00 Morning Line08:55 Time Team Special :Loch Tay . 09:55 Film: Jules Verne’sRocket To The Moon 11:35Nokia Urban Music FestivalWith Prince’s Trust: WillSmith's Highlights 12:05Point Pleasant: The LonelyHunter 12:55 The O.C 13:50 YClwb Rygbi 16:00 A Place InThe Sun 16.30 The SecretElection Michael Howard votedfor the BNP 17:00 Newyddion17:10 Y Clwb Rygbi 19:25 Risg-y business19:55 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 20:10 Tipyn O Stad 20:40 Hwyl Y Noson Lawen 21:10 O Flaen Dy Lygaid22:10 Film: The Full Monty(1997) 23:50 Film: Red Planet(2000) 01:45 Joss Stone HitsNew York Yeah! Are you diggin’on me? No! You ‘boho’ ho. Ho.02.45 Empire Square03:15 Bennetts BritishSuperbike Stabilisers. They’rethe best.

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals ofFarthing Wood.6:25 Jakers: TheAdventures of Piggley Winks. 6:50 Monster Cafe.7:05 JackieChan Adventures. 7:30 OceanStar: The Quest. 7:55Newsround..8:00 CBeebies:Balamory. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Fireman Sam. 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Bob the Builder: ProjectBuild It. 9:00 Tweenies. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40The Story Makers.TV Mannershas revealed that his full nameis Rumplestiltskin Manners IIIand regularly dances nakedaround a fire in the centre of thestone circle in Bute Park. 10:00Clifford the Big Red Dog. 10:15Little Red Tractor. 10:30 Lookand Read. 10:50 Look andRead. 11:10 A Fish out ofWater. 11:30 The Munsters.11:55 What a Carry On!12:20pm: Trade Secrets.Professionals share the tricksof their trade. This week: TVdesk secrets are revealed. Rublard into your skin for that fresh-faced ‘TV Editor’ look. Neverspike your own drink. 12:30Working Lunch. 1:00Shakespeare: The AnimatedTales. The Taming of the Shrew.1:30 Timewatch. 2:20 TheGreat War. 3:00 My BestFriend...Che Guevara. 3:30Escape to the Country.4:30Ready Steady Cook. 5:15Weakest Link. 6:00 Flog It! Adead horse.7:00 Seven NaturalWonders.

7:30 Small Town Gardens. 8:00 Rick Stein's FoodHeroes. 8:30 University Challenge:The Final. Paxman smirkstoo violently and his faceimplodes9:00 How Art Made theWorld. 10:00 Vic and Bob in

Catterick. 10:30 Newsnight0:20 Joins BBC News 24.

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV NewsHour 7.00 GMTV Today. 8.35LK Today 9.25 People's Court. 10.30 This Morning. I woke upwith the hangover of death, andstill feel as rough as a buzzard’scrotch. Need to go back to mymanky hovel and die.10.50 ITVNews Headlines, Local Newsand Weather. 11.55 ITV NewsHeadlines. 12.30 ITVLunchtime News and Weather. Including local news and weath-er. 1.30 Perseverance. 2.00Loose Women. 2.45 Mum's OnStrike. 3.30 Miffy and Friends.Miffy Finds a Cup Miffy obvious-ly doesn’t live in my house,where you’ve more chance ofseeing Lord Lucan than finding aclean item of crockery. 3.35Tractor Tom. Puppy ProblemsPuppy Love? Puppy Fat? 3.45 Bernard. Turning Japanese 3.55 King Arthur's Disasters.The Surprise Quest 4.25 MyParents are Aliens. 5.00 ThePaul O'Grady Show.6.00 ITV1 Wales News andWeather.

6.30 ITV Evening News;Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale. 7.30 Coronation Street. 8.00 Tonight with TrevorMcDonald. 8.30 Coronation Street. 9.00 FILM: About a Boy.(2002) Film about a boy. Irealise I am about as funnyas E-Coli tonight. Sorry.10.30 ITV News. 11.00 FILM: About a Boy. 11.30 The Championship. 0.10 Champions League

Weekly. 0.35 Doves in Profile.Ace 1.00 Trisha. 1.55 LooseWomen. 2.30 Moving Day.Students frantically attempt toconceal the giant holes theykicked in the walls as theprospect of getting their bondsback becomes increasinglyunlikely.

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15Missing. 10:00 City Hospital. 11:00 Trading Up. 11:30 CarBooty. 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.2:05 Doctors.2:35 Murder, She Wrote. Sugarand Spice, Malice and Vice.Angela Lansbury sells her bodyto fund her cake addiction.3:20 BBC News; Weather;Regional News. 3:25 CBBC:Bodger and Badger. 3:40 Tomand Jerry Kids. 4:00 HomeFarm Twins. 4:15 Mona theVampire. Droll Troll. 4:35 LizzieMcGuire. 5:00 Serious Dessert.Serious Desserts: Death ByChocolate, Spotted Dick (not themost appetising of puddings),Baked Alaska (A sad reminder ofthe effects of global warming)5:25 Newsround. 5:35Neighbours.Summer tries herfirst cigarette. I tried to give upsmoking yesterday and lastedan hour. 6:00 BBC News. NinaNanar: what a woman.

6:30 Regional NewsProgrammes; Weather. 7:00 Ground ForceRevisited. 7:30 Real Story with FionaBruce. Here’s a story foryou:Doyle deleted everythingI wrote so here I am writingTHE WHOLE PAGE AGAIN. Iam calm and serene like aswan, honest.8:00 EastEnders. 8:30 Bailiffs.9:00 New Tricks. 10:00 BBC News; RegionalNews; Weather.

10:35 Skint.11:05 FILM: A Time to Kill.Doyle attempts to flee from acrazed TV editor hell-bent onvengeance. Will he escape? 1:30am: Sign Zone: TheReclaimers.2:00 Sign Zone:Jeremy Vine Meets Ken Stott.

Monday May 9 - May 15 2005

[email protected]

7 Natural WondersBBC2 7.00pm

Joss Stone Hits NYS4C 1.45am

Columbofive 2.00pm

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25The Save-Ums! 06.35 BagpussYou can’t make chocolate bis-cuits out of butterbeans andbreadcrumbs!! Bagpuss: Pinkand proud. 06.50 Peppa Pig07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Ebb and Flo07.40 Funky Valley 07.50Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Fifiand the Flowertots 08.25Franklin 08.50 MechaNick09.00 Bear in the Big BlueHouse 09.25 Trisha Goddard10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30five news 12.00 Family Affairs12.30 Home and Away13.00 BrainTeaser I go to thevending machine with threepounds and forty-seven pence.How many chocolate bars can Ipurchase? How many can I eatbefore I vomit them back up? 14.00 Film: Columbo: Try andCatch Me 15.40 Film: TheGolden Gate Murders 17.30five news18.00 Home and Away18.30 Family Affairs

19.00 five news19.15 Fireballs from Space20.00 Massive Machines20.30 Fifth Gear21.00 The Child Who'sOlder than HerGrandmother: ExtraordinaryPeople How? Don’t get it.22.00 The Woman with theMysterious Brain:Extraordinary People22.30 The Farm23.35 Joey

0.00 Celebrities Uncensored0.35 Alias Starring an actorcalled Ron Rifkin.I think this isthe coolest name ever. I’m goingto seek him out and marry him.01.20 Now Is the Time: Nightof Combat - Kick Boxing02.10 Boxing: Fight of theWeek Pauline Prescott Vs DarthVader03.15 US PGA Golf04.05 NBA Action04.30 Argentinian Football

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00Everybody Loves Raymond8:25 The King of Queens 8:50Will and Grace 9:20 HomeSweet Home 9:30 Teens on TrialKirsty - Shoplifting 10:00amNational Gallery: Love Story10:05 99 Ways to Lose YourVirginity No doubt AnneWiddecombe is watching withbated breath. 10:55 Quit: AHole in My Neck Hmmm, thinkthe listings are worryingly omi-nous tonight. Think I should stopbeing a dirty, minging fag hag.It’s not big and it’s not clever.11:00 Rude Britannia 11:30From The Top: Ava Vidal 11:55Re-Writing History 12:00 Newsat Noon 12:30 Cheers 12:55Comanche Station 2:15 TheGreat Garden Challenge 3:15Countdown With guest EstherRantzen. Ahhh remember Heartsof Gold? She’s a bit past it now.I always wanted one of thosebrooches.4:00 Room for Improvement

5:00 Richard and Judy 6:00The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News7:55 3 Minute Wonder: TheEnd of My War8:00 cinema Iran9:00 The Explosive 80’s:Property Revolution10:00 ER: Refusal of Care11:05pm FAQ U Probably thebest of a bad bunch of TV

blandness tonight.11:35 CinemaIran: On the Road WithKiarostami0:10 Cinema Iran:Where is My Friend’s House1:45 Cinema Iran: Through theOlive Trees3:35 Dancing Underthe Dust Cover 3:50 1300 CCThe children of 70’s band 10cccover their smash hit ‘Life is aMinestrone’. Also includes adrum n bass reworking of ‘I’mnot in love’ with Cheryl Baker onvocals.

19.00 Britain's Best Buildings20.00 The World20.30 Cover Stories: Maxim . 21.00 Time Shift: Red Robbo21.30 Time Shift: The GrunwickStrike22.15 Time Shift:Greenham Common ... Changedmy Life 22.55 Time Shift:Political Thrillers23.25 Britain's Best Buildings0.25 Cover Stories: Maxim0.55 Time Shift: Red Robbo 01.25 Time Shift: The GrunwickStrike02.10 Time Shift: GreenhamCommon ... Changed my LifeRon Davies: ClaphamCommon...Changed my life.02.55 Britain's Best BuildingsCardiff University Students’Union. A splendid example oftwentieth-century architecture.03.55 CloseWho will win the honour ofshittest night of television ever?Will it be ITV2? Or is it going tobe BBC4? Seriously guys, justsay no. Say no to ITV2. It will rotyour brain and makes you infer-tile. BBC4 is a tad more intellec-tually stimulating, but I’d ratherwatch grass grow. Release mefrom the Monday night TVprison...

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 Married with Children. 9.55 Married with Children.

10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy. 12.20People's Court. 1.30Coronation Street. 2.00Emmerdale.2.30 Emmerdale. 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.50 Trisha. 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 Married with Children. 7.30 Married with Children. 8.00 World's Deadliest Storms.The ones with lightening andhailstones the size of a child’shead. Avoid.(The programmeand the storms)9.00 The Contender. 10.00 The Contender. 11.00 Coronation Street. 11.30 Coronation Street. IanMcKellan? What will be next-Family Affairs with KevinSpacey? Brad Pitt seducingPauline Fowler?0.00 Married with Children. 0.30 Married with ChildrenGrace and Ron Rifkin. 1.00 Champions LeagueWeekly. 1.25 F1: Spanish Grand PrixHighlights.

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBCThree You have probably con-cluded that tonight’s TV is uttercack. I suggest a night out.Here’s my tips for a fun eveningon a budget. Go to the Pen &Wig and down a bottle of SantaLucia. (4 quid-ish) It tastes a bitpissy but does the job.Then playJenga. Alternatively, go on theinternet and type your own namein google image search. Emailyour namesake and arrange ameeting. This could be the startof a beautiful friendship.19.30 Strictly Dance Fever onBBC320.00 The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron21.00 Two Pints of Lager and aPacket of Crisps21.30 MPs' Outtakes22.00 EastEnders22.30 The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron23.00 Little Britain23.30 Ideal0.00 Wedding Stories0.55 The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron01.55 Two Pints of Lager and aPacket of Crisps02.25 MPs' Outtakes02 50 Teen Angels

2:00pm The O.C3:00 Average Joe: AdamReturns 4:00 Switched TV Grace isreplaced by a giant singing squir-rel and no-one bats an eyelid. 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Without a Trace My Mojo.Feel like a crusty old tramp.7:00 Hollyoaks7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends8:30 Friends 9:00 Smallville:Superman the Early Years10:00 Fool Around...WithKenzie The ‘Z’ in his namestands for ‘Z list’.10:30 Derren Brown: Trick ofthe Mind 11:00 Peter Kay’s PhoenixNights11:35 Peter Kay’s PhoenixNights 12:05 4 Go Dating: Virgins TVManners salivates...12:35 Extreme Celebrity Detox1:35 Extreme Celebrity Detox 2:35 Smallville: Superman theEarly Years 3:20 Derren Brown:Trick of the Mind DerrenReveals that the entire career ofpopular funksters ‘North andSouth’ was an illusion.

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Britain’s Best BuildingsBBC4 7.00pm

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 TheHoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport08:00 Morning Line 08:55Time Team Special 09:55 FILM:Jules Verne’s Rocket to theMoon 11:35 Nokia Urban MusicFestival with Prince’s Trust: WillSmith's Highlights 12:05 PointPleasant 12:55 The O.C: TheSecond Chance 13:50 Y ClwbRygbi 16:00 A Place in the Sun16.30 The Secret Election17:00 Newyddion 17:10 Y ClwbRygbi 19:25 Risg 19:55Newyddion A Chwaraeon 20:10Tiypn o Stad 20:40 Hwyl YNoson Lawen 21:10O Laen DyLygaid Yep, that’s right - it’s ger-rymandering. Aren’t I a littlebright spark. 22:10 FILM: TheFull Monty 23:50 FILM: RedPlanet 01:45 Joss Stone Hits NewYork New York looks back una-mused, then proceeds to brushStone away with a quick swipeof Grand Central Station. MiddleEngland cries. It’s a mini adven-ture. 02.45 Empire Square03:15 Bennetts BritishSuperbikes 04:15 KOTV Whyonly two nipples? Good ques-tion. Is the answer long enoughto fill two lines? No

6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island6:25 Jakers: The Adventures ofPiggley Winks 6:50 MonsterCafe Roy’s Rolls 7:05 JackieChan Adventures 7:30 OceanStar: The Quest 7:55Newsround 8:00 CBeebies:Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30Fireman Sam 8:40 Pingu 8:45Bob the Builder: Project BuildIt The new optometry building.9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The RolyMo Show 9:40 The StoryMakers 10:00 Clifford the BigRed Dog 10:15 Little RedTractor 10:30 Landmarks. TheCaribbean Islands 10:50Primary History. Tudor Life:Children, A Girl's Story 11:10Music Makers Starring 911 -who incidentally WEREN’T theinspiration for the Semptember11 attacks. 11:30 TheMunsters 11:55 What a CarryOn! 12:20pm: Trade Secrets12:30 Working Lunch A baconsandwich becomes an account-ant. 1:00 Shakespeare: TheAnimated Tales 1:30Timewatch 2:20 The Great War3:00 The Flying Gardener 3:30Escape to the Country 4:30Ready Steady Cook 5:15Weakest Link

6:00 Flog It! 7:00 Britain's BestBuildings 8:00 Mastermind8:30 Fred Dibnah's Madein Britain 9:00 The Monastery 10:00 The League ofGentlemen

10:30 Newsnight11:20 The Hitch-Hiker's Guideto the Galaxy 11:55 FILM:Saturn 3 1:20am: Joins BBCNews 24 2:00 BBC LearningZone: Schools: History 4:00History. Black Peoples of theAmericas Anyone who wants tojoin us in an ill-advised game ofAmerican football get in touchon the usual number.

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV NewsHour 9.25 People's Court10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITVLunchtime News and Weather1.30 Perseverance How manyinane TV listings can you dealwith in one year. 2.00 LooseWomen 2.45 Mum's On Strike3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35Tractor Tom 3.45 BernardPresuambly, given that this is onCiTV, this doesn’t star BernardManning. Shame. 3.55 Rugrats4.25 My Parents are Aliens5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show

6.00 ITV1 Wales News andWeather 6.30 ITV Evening News;Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Sadiedenies being the thirdwoman. She’s actually thefifth.7.30 The Ferret 8.00 Deep Jungle9.00 Bad Girls Featuring TVGrace and her merry bandof fountain swimming lass-es. The drunks.10.30 ITV News

11.00 How the War ChangedWales 11.30 Never to be ForgottenHere’s where we put the obligo-tary mention of TV Manners’favourite - Pope John Paul II0.05 The District Voting district.Pop quiz hot shot... what’s itcalled when a politican changesconstituency boundaries to aidtheir own election prospects?Answer somewhere in the S4Clistings.0.55 The Paul O'Grady Show1.45 F1: Spanish Grand PrixReplayed Geordie is here so Ibetter get in my obligatory men-tion of Geordie. Geordie. Thereyou go. This week’s TV Desk isbrought to you in associationwith the letter Y and the number42. Fans of Hitchhiker’s Guide toThe Galaxy will know that this isthe meaning of life. Amen

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15Missing 10:00 City HospitalFeaturing CUSU’s Media OfficerGary Andrews, who, after a threeweek campaign against HeathHospital is now there getting hishead bandaged up. I think theGermans call this schadenfreude11:00 Trading Up 11:30 CarBooty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30Regional News and Weather1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20BBC News; Weather; RegionalNews3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 4:0050/50 4:35 What's NewScooby Doo? 5:00 ShortChange 5:25 Newsround 5:35Neighbours Lyn has a complicat-ed new love interest. Anyoneremember Bouncer?

6:00 BBC News6:30 Regional News 7:00 Love Me, Love MyKids More appealing than,say, Love Me, Love myuterus.7:30 EastEnders Ruby'sattempts to clear the airlead to a bewildering discov-ery about Tina and Johnny.they’re both humanoidlizards!8:00 Holby City9:00 Life Isn't All Ha HaHee Hee10:00 BBC News; RegionalNews; Weather.

10:35 ONE Life11:20 FILM: Get Carter ‘Gritty’British drama with MichaelCaine. Something about a car-park. 1:15am: Sign Zone: SeeHear 2:00 Sign Zone: A Life ofGrime New York 2:30 SignZone: Bailiffs 3:00 Sign Zone:The Town That Wants a Twin 3:30 Joins BBC News 24 It’selection night in the office. Wereckon the Lib-Dems may takeCardiff Central. Here’s hoping...

TuesdayMay 9 - May 15 2005

[email protected]

Your Union

Spanish GPITV 1.45

Home & Awayfive 6pm

Mum’s On StrikeITV1 2.45pm

Music MakersBBC2 11.10am

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25The Save-Ums! 06.35 Bagpuss06.50 Peppa Pig 07.00 Hi-507.30 Ebb and Flo 07.40 FunkyValley 07.50 Make Way forNoddy 08.05 Fifi and theFlowertots 08.25 Franklin08.50 MechaNick 09.00 Bearin the Big Blue House 09.25Trisha Goddard 10.30 TheWright Stuff 11.30 five news12.00 Family Affairs 12.30Home and Away Henry has atroubled first day back at schoolafter his false confession to thepolice. He didn’t really rape thatpig. Honest! 13.00 BrainTeaser14.00 America's Next TopModel 14.55 The FarmFeaturing Abi timuss wanking apig. YES! 16.00 Film: "SixMillion Dollar Man" 17.30 fivenews

18.00 Home and AwayIvar Kants. This is ACTUALLYthe name of the episode.18.30 Family Affairs19.00 five news19.15 Tim Marlow onCaravaggio: The FinalYears 20.00 Hunt for Hitler'sScientists: RevealedDocumentary detailing thetop-secret battle betweenthe Allies to hunt down eliteNazi scientists and capturetheir deadly new weaponsat the end of World WarTwo. 21.00 CSI: Crime SceneInvestigation22.00 The Real CSI

22.30 The Farm 23.20 JordanGets Even 24.20 The DeadZone Featuring the Pope, PrinceRanier of Monaco and GaryAndrews, the drummer ofCrowded House and someoneout of American Head Charge.01.10 NBA Basketball: Game ofthe Week 03.15 NASCARBusch Series 04.05 MotorsportMundial

6:00 Insektors 6:10 The Hoobs6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B47:30 Friends 8:00 EverybodyLoves Raymond 8:25 The Kingof Queens 8:55 Will & Grace9:20 Home Sweet Home9:30 Teens On Trial: Jason andRichard This could be an inter-esting variation on the MichaelJackson case. 10:00 TateModern 10:05am A-Z of YourHead This week: Y - Y is foryanking out your willy and stick-ing it inside someone’s ear.10:55 Quit: Family Habit Whatis? Incest? 11:00 RudeBrittania: Maria You’ve got tosee her. Slag. 11:30 From TheTop: Bruce Oldfield 11:55Re-Writing History What TVManners does when he teachesthe kids at his school that AdolfHitler was a Nice Man.12:00 News At Noon12:30 Forty Guns to ApachePass 2:15 The Great GardenChallenge 3:15Cuntdown 4:00 Room ForImprovement 5:00 Richard &Judy

6:00 The Simpsons FACT: Ifwe were to use an image ofThe Simpsons from theChannel 4 press site we areonly allowed to use threeimages. Otherwise NewsCorporation will sue our tes-ticles off.6:30 Hollyoaks7:00 Channel 4 News7:55 3 Minute Wonder8:00 Property Ladder 9:00 Bad Behaviour 10:00 Bring Back… GrangeHill

11:05 FAQ U 11:40 ComedyLab: Modern Toss Razorlight,The Killers, Caesers, Muse,Keane etc., you get the picture12:10 Cinema Iran: The Apple1:45amCinema Iran: A Moment ofInnocence 3:10 Monster JamUK 3:40 A Changed Man

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married withChildren. 9.55 Married withChildren. 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy 12.20People's Court 1.30 CoronationStreet 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30Airline USA 3.00 The Ricki LakeShow 3.50 Trisha 4.55 SallyJessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy7.00 Married with Children7.30 Married with Children.8.00 House of Horrors8.30 Planet's Funniest AnimalsStarring Kilroy, Taf-Od, Ruud vanNistelrooy, Judith Chalmers, andJessie wanking Wallace. 9.00 Neighbours from Hell Youwouldn’t want the Husseins mov-ing in. Especially when you havethe Wests on the other side.10.00 FILM: Beverly Hills CopStarring THE greatest 80s actor -Judge Reinhold. YES!0.05 Married with Children0.35 Married with Children1.05 The Ricki Lake Show 1.45Sally Jessy Raphael Musicalchoice of this week is Bruce.Live 1975-85 is a particularfavourite. The piano only versionof Thunder Road is indespens-able.

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBCThree 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever onBBC3 20.00 The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron21.00 Little Britain21.30 Ideal 2.00 EastEnders 22.30 TheHouse of Tiny Tearaways withTanya ByronThree families struggling withtroublesome toddlers have oneweek to turn their lives around atthe House of Tiny Tearaways - ifyou name your house that thenyou’re asking for problems.23.00 Nighty Night 23.30Bohemian Rhapsody Well heelll-looo. If it isn’t the most overrat-ed song by the most overratedband in the world then I don’tknow what is. And why there’s anhour programme devoted to it? Ialso don’t know. 24.30 WeddingStories 01.25 The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron02.25 Ideal My ideal night... anice takeaway - a chicken tikkamasala perhaps, then somegood TV - Desperate Houswivesand MOTD perhaps. Then a nicecup of coffee and... God, I’m old.02.50 Wedding Stories

2:00pm The O.C.: The ThirdWheelKirsten's unemployed sister,Hailey, moves in with the Cohensand disrupts the entire familywhen she behaves like thehouseguest from Hell. No-onelikes a guest to eat your firstborn child. It’s just plain rude.3:00 Average Joe: AdamReturns Steal my chair and feelmy wrath Stanton!4:00 Switched 4:30pmHollyoaks 5:00 Friends: TheOne with the Jam 5:30Friends: The One with Frank Jr6:00 Without A Trace 7:00 Hollyoaks7:30 Switched8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 The O.C.

10:00 Fool Around… WithKenzie10:30pmBo’ Selecta! Vol. 311:15pmPeter Kay’s Phoenix Nights theone with Keith Lard. GEEENIUS.Despite what TV John ahemBastian Springs says. 11:50Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights12:20 4 Go Dating 12:50amExtreme Celebrity Detox

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19.00 Days That Shook theWorld John Candy’s death.20.00 The World20.30 Dickens in America Nohe’s not, he’s in the GR office,beavering away on World News.21.00 Hot Spots: Nigeria22.00 The Desk22.30 Dickens in America23.00 Himalaya with MichaelPalin During a Gurkha recruit-ment Palin is disturbed byMaoist insurgents, saffron - sim-ply because it’s very bloodyexpensive. 24.00 Days ThatShook the World The Pixiesreform. And yes I am talkingbaout Frank Black’s stage-dive.01.00 Birdland: April in Paris01.10 Mike Hodges: BeyondGet Carter 01.40 Hot Spots:Nigeria Nigeria has suffered aturbulent and bloody history,ripped apart soon after inde-pendence by civil war followed bya series of brutal military dicta-tors. Sounds L-O-V Lovely.02.40 Dickens in America03.10 Days That Shook theWorld “Screen door slams,Mary’s dress waves. Like avision she dances across theporch as the radio plays. RoyOrbison singing for the lonely.”

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBCThree 19.30 Strictly DanceFever on BBC3 20.00 TheHouse of Tiny Tearaways withTanya Byron 21.00 Film:Timecop (1994) 22.35 TheHouse of Tiny Tearaways withTanya Byron 23.05Spendaholics TV John this weekbought 6 cds and now has nomoney. I on the other hand havespent too much money on aMedia Awards ticket (lastSaturday by the time you readthis) and I’ve pre-ordered thenew Rocket Summer album,Hello Good Friend. Awesome.But it does mean I have nomoney too. 0.00 WeddingStories 01.00 The House ofTiny Tearaways with TanyaByron Yeah, come into my class-room and I’ll show you fuckingtearaways. Man, I hate my job.01.55 Spendaholics 02.55Wedding Stories You spend shitloads of money for one day thenyou watch shoddy reruns onyour crappy VHS. Be selfish andblow it all on an overly expen-sive, humongous honeymoon.That’s what I’m going to do sothere. 03.55 Close

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Marriedwith Children. Al Bundy, ShoeDick 9.55 Married withChildren. So This Is HowSinatra Fel 10.20 Sally JessyRaphael 11.10 Judge Judy12.25 People's Court 13.30Coronation Street 14.00Emmerdale 14.30 Airline USA15.00 The Ricki Lake Show15.50 Trisha 16.55 MoviesNow 17.05 Judge Judy 18.00The British Soap Awards 2005 -The Stars Arrive Who comes upwith this shite? Throw them outRupert, throw them out. 19.00Married with Children 19.30Married with Children 20.00FILM: Joe Dirt (2000) Porn starextraordinaire. 21.50 Baddieland Skinner Unplanned 22.20Movies Now 22.30 The BritishSoap Awards 2005 - The PartyCack, cack, cack, cake, cack,cack. 23.30 Coronation Street0.00 Footballers' Wives 01.00Footballers' Wives TV 01.30Married with Children 01.55Married with Children 02.20The Ricki Lake Show And yes,she’s still pregnant. And hasbeen for 4 years solid. 03.00Teleshopping

19.00 Birdland, a History ofJazz: Dream a Little, Dream ofMe 19.05 Early MusicGreensleeves, Cigarettes AndAlcohol, New York, New York,Billie Jean, Sunday Morning,Looking Back On Today, TheEarly Morning Rush. 20.00 TheWorld is black if you listen toGC. 20.30 In the Footsteps ofChurchill 21.00 Churchill'sForgotten Years Those will bethe ones when he changed fromskinny teenager to fat bastardwarmonger. Good stuff. 22.30 Inthe Footsteps of Churchill23.00 Churchill: Into TheWilderness This was the turbu-lent period in his life when hetried the Atkin Diet for 2 weeks.Obviously it didn’t last. FatBastard. 23.50 Nation on Film:VE Day Special 0.20 EarlyMusic 01.15 Churchill'sForgotten Years 02.50Churchill: Into The Wilderness03.40 In the Footsteps ofChurchill Which are rather slow,erratic and large. I suppose hedid some good, like win the warand ensure we now have to singLand Of Hope And Glory at everypatriotic moment. 04.10 Close

14:00 The O.C. 15:00 The NextJoe Millionaire 16:00 Switched16:30 Hollyoaks 17:00 Friends17:30 Friends 18:00 Without ATrace 19:00 Hollyoaks 19:30Switched 20:00 Friends 20:30Friends 21:00 Scrubs 21:30Scrubs 22:00 Fool Around...With Kenzie I’d rather have mybottom hair plucked one by onewhilst watching endless repeatsof Dick and Dom’s Ask TheFamily, than go anywhere nearthat maggot ridden cunt. 10:30Peep Show 23:00 DesperateHousewives 0:00 Scrubs 0:30Scrubs 0:55 4 Go Dating:Virgins Doyle reveaed to theoffice that during his first time(with a girl he assured us was‘stunning’) his other half decid-ed to insert her finger up hisbumhole. And she had extreme-ly sharp nais. He didn’t stayaround long enough to see ifshe had shit under her finger-nails. Nice. 01:25 Peep Show01:55 The O.C. 02:45Distraction Today’s is the elec-tion which is taking placebehind me as we speak. AndI’m getting nothing done. 03:10Distractions 03:40 Close

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 TheHoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond8:25 King Of Queens 8:55 WillAnd Grace 9:20 Waterstories9:30 Teens On Trial 10:00Arrows Of Desire 10:25 TateModern 10:30 The EnglishProgramme 10:55 Life Stuff:Quit 11:00 Rude Britannia11:30 Life Stuff: From The Top11:55 Rewriting History 12.00News At Noon 12:30 PlanedPlant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies13:00 Clwb Cleber 13:15Channel 4 News 15:15Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant16:25 Hip Neu Sgip? 16:50Ffeil 17:00 Rcihard & Judy18:00 The Simpsons 18:30Rownd A Rownd 19:00Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 CwpwrddDillad 21:00 Cofio 60: OllionRhyfel 21:15 04 Wal 21:45Sioe Gelf 22:15 Grand DesignsRevisited 23:15 ER 00:15Bring Back... Grange Hill andThundercats, Mask etc. 01:15FAQ U 01:45 Cinema Iran:Through The Olive Trees (1974)03:50 Cinema Iran: The Apple(1997) 05:25 Close

6:00 Breakfast 9:15Missin 10:00 City Hospital11:00 Trading Up 11:30Car Booty 12:15 BargainHunt 13:00 BBC News;Weather 13:30 RegionalNews and Weather 13:40Neighbours 14:05 Doctors14:35 Murder, She Wrote15:20 BBC News;Weather; Regional News15:25 CBBC: Bodger andBadger Clearly, Bodger, ifhe was still around, wouldbe in prison for kiddie feel-ing. 15:40 Tom and JerryKids 16:00 Mona theVampire 16:20 The FairlyOdd Parents 16:30 AceLightning 17:00 TheStables 17:25 Newsround17:35 Neighbours

18:00 BBC News18:30 Regional NewsProgrammes; Weather19:00 Wildlife on One19:30 Trauma20:00 DIY SOS20:30 HeatwaveCardiff last weekend22:00 BBC News;Regional News;Weather22:35 The NationalLottery: MidweekDraws22:40 Imagine... AShort History of TallBuildings Well this issure to be an explo-sive, non-stop, laugh aminute thriller. Or else,like much on the BBC,it’ll be utter wank.

23:40 FILM: Without aClue (1988) An accuratedescription of TV Mannerswith regards to anythingrelated to TV. 01:30 SignZone: Journey of Life02:30 Sign Zone: SmartSpenders 03:00 SignZone: Amazon Abyss03:30 Joins BBC News 24

6:00 CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25Jakers: The Adventures ofPiggley Winks 6:50 MonsterCafe 7:05 Jackie ChanAdventures 7:30 Ocean Star:The Quest 7:55 Newsround 8:00CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 TotsTV 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder:Project Build It 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40The Story Makers 10:00 Cliffordthe Big Red Dog 10:15 LittleRed Tractor 10:30 FILM: TheMagnificent Showman (1964) Inmany ways really a lot like ‘TheShowman’ but with genuineadded magnificence. 12:40Trade Secrets 13:00Shakespeare: The AnimatedTales: As You Like It 13:30Working Lunch 14:00 The GreatWar 14:40 The Flying Gardener15:15 Tsunami 2004: A Serviceof Remembrance 16:30 ReadySteady Cook 17:15 WeakestLink

18:00 Flog It!19:00 No Win No Fee19:30 Holidays in theDanger Zone: Places ThatDon't Exist This week,Lilliput, Pigeon Street,Stretton-On-Dunsmore,Thundara, Boulder Hill,Fraggle Rock, Balamory, TheVetch Stadium, CutthroatIsland, Australia, SesameStreet, Bongo Bongo Land,Poole, Farnborough,Spennymoor, Acacia Avenue,Bangor, Gotham City, Bykerand Pearl City Sharky &George).20:00 Natural World20:50 Wild Scotland21:00 Compulsion22:00 Blackadder the Third

22:30 Newsnight23:20 BBC Four on BBC Two:Before the Flood: Tuvalu 0:20Joins BBC News 24 02:00 BBCLearning Zone: Schools: History04:00 History is great.

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LKToday 9.25 People's Court10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITVLunchtime News and Weather13.30 Perseverance 14.00Loose Women 14.45 Mum's OnStrike 15.30 Miffy and Friends3.35 Tractor Tom 15.45Bernard 16.00 Art Attack16.25 My Parents are AliensThis week’s episode is called‘Fangs for the mammaries’.What the fuck is happening tokid’s TV nowadays? Clearly, thechildren have had their say andwant more sexual innuendos. Orelse the students have had theirsay...17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show

18.00 ITV1 Wales Newsand Weather18.30 ITV Evening News;Weather19.00 Emmerdale19.30 Coronation Street20.00 The British SoapAwards 2005 Undoubtedlythe worst show on TV thisevening. Shit actors fromthose cack soaps we allwatch. If that cat womanget’s pissed out of her skulland falls over revealing hercellulite ridden arse anddental floss pants, the onlydecent thing to do would beto stamp on the back of herhead before she gets up.22.30 ITV News

23.00 Denis Norden's 8thLaughter File 0.00 The Pitts Adiscussion with Michael Pitt, thenew ‘face’ of Mr Cobain in astory of the final days of hismental life. Great. 0.25 TheMagnificent Seven 01.10 cd:uk01.35 The Paul O'Grady Show02.25 World Sport 02.50British Touring CarsChampionship 03.45 LooseWomen 04.20 ITV Nightscreen05.30 ITV Early Morning NewsWhich no one watches. Ever.

6:00 Making It 6:05 Mervyn6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 TheHoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond8:25 The King Of Queens 8:55Will And Grace 9:20 WaterStories 9:30 Teens On Trial10:00 Arrows Of Desire 10:25Tate Modern 10:30 Film Focus10:55 Quit 11:00 RudeBritannia 11:30 From The Top11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00News At Noon 12:30 GrudgeMatch 12:45 Cheers 13:15Channel 4 Racing 15:15Countdown 16:00 Room ForImprovement 17:00 Richard &Judy

18:00 The Simpsons18:30 Hollyoaks19:00 Channel 4 News19:55 3 Minute Wonder:The End Of My War20:00 Relocation,Relocation21:00 Grand DesignsRevisited22:00 DesperateHousewives I’ve nowmissed so many of theseepisodes that I am nolonger the last word onwhat’s going on. The O.C.on the other hand stillfloats my boat.

23:05 FAQ U 23:35 ComedyLab: Speeding 0:05 CinemaIran: The Cow (1969) And whosays the Iranians don’t respectwomen? 02:15 Cinema Iran:Still Life (1974) Yeah, just afterthey’ve shot their first victim ofthe evening. Sure to be unmiss-able viewing. 04:00 CinemaIran: New Talent 04:50 LemonCrush I misread this as ‘Menoncrush’, one of the news mon-keys in the office today. 05:10Cross My Heart The name ofthe fantastic opening track fromthe superb album Calendar Daysby The Rocket Summer. Brings atear to my eye everytime I hearit. 05:35 Vee-TV 6:00 Close

6.00 Rolie Polie Olie 6.25 TheSave-Ums! 6.35 Bagpuss 6.50Peppa Pig 7.00 Hi-5 7.30 Ebband Flo 7.40 Funky Valley 7.50Make Way for Noddy 8.05 Fifiand the Flowertot 8.25 Franklin8.50 MechaNick 9.00 Bear inthe Big Blue House 9.25 TrishaGoddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff11.30 five news 12.00 FamilyAffairs 12.30 Home and Away13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00America's Next Top Model14.55 The Farm 15.45 Film:Deadly Invasion: The Killer BeeNightmare (1994) Basically thisall revolves around someAmericans blowing the event outof all proportion. It was only fogand they seemed to think killerbees were after them (from adistance). Fucking idiots. 17.30five news

18.00 Home and Away18.30 Family Affairs19.00 five news19.15 Tutankhamun:Reopening the FBI FileWhy on earth would the FBIhave a file on a man whohas been dead for over5000 years21.00 CSI: Miami22.00 Great Crimes of the20th Century22.30 The Farm I’m reli-ably informed this hasnothing to do with beastiali-ty. Which would probablymake more interestingviewing.

23.20 101 Best KeptHollywood Secrets The newsmonkey sitting behind me onlyremembers The Queen’s Noseas the best TV show of herchildhood. Dear oh dear,explains a few things about thestate of today’s society. 0.20World of Rugby 0.50 FIM WorldSupercross 02.20 Race andRally UK 02.45 Boxing: Fight ofthe Week Classics 03.40Argentinian Football

Wednesday May 9 - May 15 2005

[email protected]

Your

Uni

on

Loose WomenITV1 2pm

4 Go Dating: VirginsE4 0.55am

The Farmfive 9pm

Flog It!BBC2 6pm

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06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25The Save-Ums! 06.35 BagpussNo, this isn’t the program withthe purple cat thing. This is anew progam starring, literally, abig bag of puss. A bag. Of puss.06.50 Peppa Pig 07.00 Hi-5More dead than alive 07.30Ebb and Flo 07.40 Funky Valley07.50 Make Way for Noddy Fatfuck 08.05 Fifi and theFlowertots 08.25 Franklin08.50 MechaNick 09.00 Bearin the Big Blue House 09.25Trisha Goddard 10.30 TheWright Stuff 11.30 five news12.00 Family Affairs 12.30Home and Away 13.00BrainTeaser 14.00 America'sNext Top Model 14.55 TheFarm 15.45 Film: "Escapeunder Pressure" 17.30 fivenews

18.00 Home and Away18.30 Family Affairs19.00 five news I like thatthis godforsaken channelspells ‘five’ without a capitalletter. Because we all knowthat capital letters are forfascists.19.15 World War I in ColourI would imagine it would bemostly grey and brown andgreen, ‘cause of all theshells and mud and grassand stuff. and some red.Because of people gettingtheir faces shot off. I thinkI’ll watch the black andwhite version.20.00 Brand New You21.00 Families BehavingBadly Incest?22.00 When GoodMarriages Go Bad

22.30 The Farm. 23.20 VictoriaBeckham's Secrets If shereveals about my affair withDavid i’ll not be happy. 24.25John Barnes' Football Night01.05 Portuguese Football02.35 Dutch Football04.05 Argentinian Football

6:00am Insektors 6:10am TheHoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends8:00am Everybody LovesRaymond 8:25am The King OfQueens 8:55am Will & Grace9:20am Water Stories9:30am Teens On Trial10:00am Deadsville 10:25amNational Gallery 10:30am FilmFocus 10:55am Quit 11:00amRude Brittania 11:55am Re-writing History 12:00pm NewsAt Noon 12:30pm GrudgeMatch Me versus the world12:45pm Cheers. You’re wel-come 1:15pm Channel 4Racing from York 3:15pmCountdown 4:00pm Room ForImprovement 5:00pm Richard& Judy Twenty quid says Judy’soff her face on vodka. Shakyhands. Shaky, shaky hands.

6:00pm The Simpsons6:30pm Hollyoaks7:00pm Channel 4 News7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder:The End Of My War Nomasturbation jokes herekids, move along.8:00pm Selling HousesWhen Channel 4 send usthese listings they tell usthe producer and directorand production company ofevery program. If you wouldlike in on these details, justlet me know, and I’ll tell youto piss off. 8:30pm TheCity Gardener 9:00pm Princes In TheTower

11:05pm FAQ U FAQ U too.11:40pm Comedy Lab: GlennWool 12:10am Cinema Iran: 20Fingers 1:35am Cinema Iran:The Cicle 3:20am Cinema Iran:The Don There is no need forthis. why would they put this onwhen they could just show moreepsiodes of south park? Why Iask you, Why? “CRIPPLE FIIIIIII-IGHT” 5:05am Countdown5:50am Close But no cigar

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 TheHoobs “Iver's Buns.” *snarf*07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00Everybody Loves Raymond: SayUncle 08:25 King Of Queens:Dreading Vows 08:55 Will AndGrace 09:20 Water Stories09:30 Teens On Trial 10:00Deadsville 10:25 NaionalGallery 10:30 The EnglishProgramme 10:55 Life Stuff:Quit 11:00 Rude Brittania11:30 Life Stuff: From The Top11:55 Re-writing History 12:00News At Noon 12:30Teletubbies 13:00 Peppa Pinc13:15 Channel 4 Racing fromYork 15:15 Countdown 16:00Beyblade 16:30 Crafwr 16:50Ffeil 17:00 Richard And Judy18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 TheSimpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm20:25 Clwb Garddio 21:00COFIO 60: Olion Rhyfel 21:15Dudley 21:45 Relocation,Relocation 22:45 Supernanny23:50 FAQ U 00:20 FILM:Crush 02:20 Cinema Iran: AMoment Of Innocence 03:55World Superbikes 2005 04:55British Supemoto Chmpionships05:25 Diwedd/Close Thankfuck.

6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island6:25 Jakers: The Adventures ofPiggley Winks 6:50 MonsterCafe 7:05 Jackie ChanAdventures 7:30 Ocean Star:The Quest 7:55 Newsround Or“politics seminar preparation”as I like to call it. 8:00CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 TotsTV Apostrophe? 8:30 FiremanSam 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob theBuilder 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 TheRoly Mo Show 9:40 The StoryMakers 10:00 Clifford the BigRed Dog I dunno if you’ve seenthis. I mean, how could I? Butseriously, this is one massivedog. 10:15 Little Red Tractor10:30 The Way Things Work10:45 Razzledazzle 11:05Something Special 11:20Primary Geography It says it’sprimary revision, but I reckon it’llprobably suffice as “first year ofdegree” revision. Loose womenhas been my primary source ofpolitics exam preperation. 11:30The Munsters 11:55 What aCarry On! 12:20pm TradeSecrets 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00Shakespeare: The AnimatedTales 1:30 Golf: British Masters

6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Culture Show8:00 Ray Mears' BushcraftJoin Mearsy as he takestopiary to the outbacks.9:00 Dead RingersQuasimodo.9:30 The RobinsonsOrange, apple and blackcur-rant, fruit and barley, peachand lamb, sweetcorn andtoast, waffles and grass,tony.10:00 Kath and Kim

10:30 Newsnight 11:20 TheCulture Show 12:25am: FILM:The Substance of Fire 2:00BBC Learning Zone 4:00History: Key Stage 4 -Curriculum Bites

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15Missing 10:00 City Hospital11:00 Trading Up 11:30 CarBooty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30Regional News and Weather1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20BBC News 3:25 CBBC: Bodgerand Badger 3:40 Tom and JerryKids 4:00 The Story of TracyBeaker 4:30 Smart 5:00 ReallyWild Show Absoloutely crazy.With a k. Krazy. 5:25Newsround 5:35 NeighboursWill Connor get free in time? Itdoesn’t specify what Connorneeds to get free of. I wouldguess an octopus.

6:00 BBC News Things areprobably gonna be a bit dullafter the election. I wouldn’tbother watching this if I wasyou. We could probably dowith a war or something. Imean, like a proper one, notone of those where we sendtroops. One where I have tochop my toe off to stopmyself from being enlisted.One with sirens andbunkers. Our grandparentswere so lucky. They got tolive through this sort ofthing whereas we have tomake do with computergames.6:30 Regional News 7:00 Little Angels. 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 20th CenturyRoadshow9:00 Journey of Life10:00 BBC News Any newson that war?

10:35 Question Time 11:35FILM: Revelation. War???1:30am: Sign Zone: Skint 2:00Sign Zone:Ray Mears'Bushcraft 3:00 Sign Zone:Battle for the Amazon 3:30Joins BBC News 24 Pleasegod, tell me there’s a waralready?

Thursday May 9 - 15 2005

[email protected]

Ray Mears’ BushcraftBBC2 8pm

Water StoriesChannel4 9.20am

Bernard. Mummy’sHere! ITV 3.45pm

Something SpecialBBC2 11.05am

6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today9.25 People's Court 10.30 ThisMorning 12.30 ITV LunchtimeNews and Weather 1.30Perseverance 2.00 LooseWomen 2.45 Mum's On Strike 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35Tractor Tom 3.45 Bernard.Mummy's Here! Were the lastwords Bernard heard before hismum burst through his bedroomdoor proving his “danger wank”disasterous. 3.55 Jungle RunThis is ace. but they never getthat last golden monkey statuedo they? “No they don’t TVGareth”. Right, good.4.25 TheFugitives There is no need forthis when they could show anepisode of My Parents Are Aliensinstead 5.00 The Paul O'GradyShow

6.00 ITV1 Wales News andWeather I hope there’ssome news on that womanwith the babies and the suit-case.6.30 ITV Evening News;Weather7.00 Emmerdale7.30 Stories from theStreet8.00 The Bill9.00 Footballers' WivesThis’ll probably have breastsin it. They show this in taly-bont social on the bigscreen nowadays. I havenever seen breasts project-ed in such a big size in myentire life.10.00 Mugging for Kicks: ATonight Special

10.30 ITV News 11.00 How theWar Changed Wales 11.30Soccer Night Or rather, “soccerhour”. 0.30 Providence 1.10Redcoats 1.35 Love Match 2.05 The Paul O'Grady Show2.55 cd:uk. 3.45 Cybernet 4.10Loose Women 4.50 ITVNightscreen 5.30 ITV EarlyMorning News

19.00 Dickens in America.19.30 In the Footsteps ofChurchill I went to BlenheimPalace once. It was shit. If Irecall we wrote swear words inthe guest book. because wewere renegades.20.00 The World20.30 Tales from Europe:Latvia 21.00 India's MonsoonRailway 22.00 Round theHorne... Revisited 23.00Arrested Development 23.20Arrested Development 23.45Tales from Europe: Latvia24.15 India's Monsoon Railway01.10 Round the Horne...Revisited Or if you watched itearlier (and seriously, who did-n’t?) “Round theHorne...Revisited...Revisited”.02.10 In the Footsteps ofChurchill 03.40 Dickens inAmerica 04.10 Close I mean,who cares? And to the girl whoput a “Vote Conservative”poster up in her window to com-bat my “Vote Labour” one. “HA!HA!!!HAAA!HAA!HA!!!11one!!1!”.Also, where the fuck is theCardiff underground? No it isn’tthe Barfly you cock. Where is it?Huh? Huh? Meh.

6.00 GMTV2.9.25 Married withChildren 9.55 Married withChildren The Mystery of SkullIsland 10.25 Sally JessyRaphael 11.10 Judge Judy12.25 People's Court 1.30Coronation Street 2.00Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA.You Must Be Kidding? No seri-ously, your band really IS shit.Big time. 3.00 The Ricki LakeShow 3.50 Trisha 4.55 SallyJessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy7.00 Married with Children. IWho Have Nothing 7.30 Marriedwith Children. The Mystery ofSkull Island 8.00 HolidayAirport: Sydney 9.00 TheBiggest Women in Britain

women biggest

women at TV desk at least.10.00 Bad Girls 11.30Footballers' Wives TV. 0.00Footballers' Wives TV0.30 The Contender 1.25 The Contender 2.10 Married with Children2.35 Married with Children3.00 Teleshopping I don’t knowwhat this means.5.00 ITV2 Nightscreen

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC319.30 Strictly Dance Fever onBBC3 I did a bit of salsa theother day. And I’m not gay oranything. I learnt lacucaracha.Although when I learnt it it wasspelt correctly. 20.00 The Houseof Tiny Tearaways with TanyaByron 21.00 Spendaholics22.00 EastEnders 22.30 TheHouse of Tiny Tearaways withTanya Byron 23.00 Bang! Bang!Bang? 23.55 Wedding Stories24.55 The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron01.50 Spendaholics 02.50Bang! Bang! 03.50 Close Ooo,look at all this glorious space. Itwould be a shame to waste itwouldn’t it? Hey there, I’m new.My name’s gareth. Or from nowon “TV Gareth”. Yuhu. I thinkthis is where I’m supposed towrite about music. So. Thingsthat I have been listening torecently that you haven’tbecause you wear scarves or goto metros instead: Life WithoutBuildings, Prolapse, TheMountain Goats, Mirah, TheMicrophones, Caribou, Xiu Xiu.but please don’t go listen tothem, you wouldn’t like it. I knowyour level.

2:00pm The O.C.: The RivalsSometimes people say I’m likeSeth. Except uglier, and with bet-ter taste in music and not aspoilt little rich kid and generallyless of a cunt. Or probably moreso in fact. 3:00pm The Next JoeMillionaire 4:00pm Switched4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pmFriends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pmWithout A Trace: Prodigy7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pmSwitched 8:00pm Friends: TheOne Where Rachel Quits8:30pm Friends9:00pm ER: Call Me Ruby10:00pm Fool Around… WithKenzie I will. I’ll fool around withhis face with a rake. He’s onlyabout twelve anyway you per-verts. 11:00pm Sex And TheCity 11:35pm Sex And The City12:15am Sex And The City12:45am Sex And The City1:20am 4 Go Dating: Virgins E4take 10 virgins and force themto have sex. No lies. Well maybea small lie. 1:45am Sex AndThe City 2:20am Sex And TheCity 2:50am Sex And The City3:15am Sex And The City Thathas been a lot of sex and thecity. Those old slappers must beraw. 3:45am Close

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13:05 Star Trek Enterprise14:00 Channel 4 Racing 15:55 The Airships Now then Idon’t know whether this is justbecause I had a slightly morbidobsession with drawing picturesof the Hindenberg disasterwhenever I played ‘doodle’ whilstkilling time at school or what,but I have a odd fascination withthe invention to rival all stupidinventions, the airship. “Tell youwhat guys, lets fill a gigantic bal-loon with flammable gas, andtake people on fun trips aroundthe sky with it. I mean, it’s onlygot to touch an inanimateobject, like the mast it’s tied toand it’ll go up in flames, buy say,what a lark!”17:00 Newyddion17:10 Y Clwb Rugby19:30 Risg20:00 Newyddion A Chwareon20:15 Tipyn O Stad20:45 Cofio 60: Olion Rhyfel 21:45 Cofio 60: O Flaen DyLygaid: Y Byd Yn Fflam22:45 The 100 Greatest WarFilms 02:00 British Superbikes03:00 Speedway Grand Prix200503:55 KOTV

6:00am: Breakfast.9:00 Weekend 2410:00 Saturday Kitchen11:30 Ever Wondered aboutFood 12:00pm: See Hear.12:50 FILM: The MagnificentAmbersons. 2:15 FILM: FortApache. 4:20 Golf: BritishMasters 5:20 Rugby Union: TheCeltic Cup Final.

7:35 The Nazis: A Warningfrom History. The WrongWar The wrong war? This isone those daft titles BBC2always give their documen-taries which mean absolute-ly nothing. This is obviouslyabout World War Two. No“Wrong War” about it,matey.8:25 Soul Deep: The Storyof Black Popular Music.9:25 Conviction 10:25 Have I Got News forYou. 10:55 Never Mind theBuzzcocks With Martin Fryfrom ABC, one of the great-est lyricists of all time.

11:25 Rugby Special. 12:55am:FILM: The Leopard Man 2:00BBC Learning Zone: OpenUniversity and General Interest:The True Geometry of Nature.2:30 Open Advice - Study toSucceed. 3:00 Volcanoes andthe Atmosphere 3:30 The Artof Breathing. 4:00 TheChallenge. 4:30 The Next BigThing. Is There Anyone OutThere? Yes, they’re calledOkkervil River.5:00 Truth Will Out 5:15Hollywood Science. Die HardThe blurb for this actually says“Can a man realistically jumpout of a window using a firehose as a bungee rope? A teamof experts investigate. “Heyguys, let’s put that whole ‘curefor cancer’ thing on hold for awhile, we’ve got to test whetherBruce Willis was too fat to dothe fire hose stunt properly”

6.00 GMTV.6.00-9.25 Toonattik9.25 MOM11.30 cd:uk12.30 ITV News; Weather. 12.35 ITV1 Wales News andWeather12.40 Spain GP2. 1.10 FILM:Kid Galahad Starring ElvisPresley, so complete crap bydefault. Who the hell told himhe could act? 3.00 MidsomerMurders. 5.00 ITV1 WalesNews and Weather. 5.15 ITVNews; Sports Results; Weather.5.30 Hit Me Baby One MoreTime. This week's hopefuls are911, Brother Beyond's NathanMoore, Princess, Kenny Thomas,and Ultra Nate. Hahaha - 911.What a treat. And Ultra Natetoo, who I’ve actually seen “per-form” live. She waited until theend of her set to play “Free” aswell, thus boring the pants offthe entire audience. I think Ieven saw 911 that day as wellyou know.

6.30 Celebrity Wrestling7.45 Celebrity Stitch Up8.15 Hit Me Baby OneMore Time Results8.30 Who Wants to Be aMillionaire? 9.30 Big Fight Live: Khan vKindelan Amateur moronsthrowing hissyfits in thering vs...11.00 FILM: TheHurricane. DenzilWashington, the man I’dleast like to offend in theentire world punching tenshades of shit out of every-

one 1.35 The MagnificentSeven. Inmate 78 2.20 cd:uk.3.10 The Pitts Brad Pitt isrhyming slang for shit. “I reallyneed to take a Brad, Akon’s newsingle is utter Brad etc” 3.35Entertainment Now! 4.00 MeatLoaf in Profile. (Widescreen)Another listing that writes itself.4.25 Cybernet.

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo!7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes7:05 Tom and Jerry Kids7:30 Dennis the Menace 7:55 Watch My Chops8:15 The Mummy. 8:35 TheFairly Odd Parents. 9:00 TheSaturday Show 10:30 DanceFactory 11:00 Top of the PopsSaturday 12:00pm: BBC News;Weather 12:10 Football Focus1:00 Grandstand 1:05 Golf:British Masters Golf is astrangely relaxing sport towatch, but a complete pain theass to play. I once did a roundof pitch and putt golf inBasingstoke, and got a score ofsomething ludicrous and triple-figured over par. I rememberswinging the club at this kidsbag and ripped a hole rightthrough a can of pepsi and itsprayed open all over the insideof his bag over his packedlunch. Kids can be so cruel. Andhilarious.4:20 Weakest Link. 5:10 BBCNews; Regional News; Weather. 5:30 Just for Laughs Whatweighs ten pounds and won’t beplucked this Christmas? PeteDoherty’s guitar. Thank youLoaded magazine.

6:00 Strictly Dance Fever. 7:00 Doctor Who. 7:45 The National Lottery:Come and Have a Go. ...Ifyou think you’re cuntishenough 8:35 Casualty 9:25 Strictly Dance Fever.9:55 BBC News; Weather.

10:15 FILM: RandomHearts

12:25am: A Question of Sport12:55 Top of the Pops 1:25 Joins BBC News 24 It’sbeen a tough old week, muggyweather, The Prince of Wales intown, and rent week. I need ahug.

SaturdayMay 9 - May 15 2005 Page 27

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Your Union

Just For LaughsBBC1 5.30pm

The Dam BustersC4 7pm

The Leopard ManBBC2 12.55am

Nanny 911ITV 2.30pm

06.00 Sunrise06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends07.20 Milkshake!07.25 Ebb and Flo07.30 Funky Valley07.40 Make Way for Noddy07.55 Rolie Polie Olie08.25 Franklin09.00 George Shrinks Just oneletter away from being called“Gorge Shrinks”, an insight intoa psychiatrist page 3 shoot. I’dlay down on the couch anydayetc etc etc09.30 Beyblade 10.00 Hercules: the LegendaryJourneys10.55 Beast Wars Jodie Marshvs Anthea Turner11.25 Home and Away Omnibus13.35 Film: The Elevator14.50 Film: Nadine NadineCoyle from Girls Aloud (youknow, the long legged Irish bint)meets Nadine Hurley (the one-eyed sucidial lunatic who’sobsessed with drap runners)from Twin Peaks. Great stuff.

16.20 Film: D.A.R.Y.L.18.10 Charmed18.55 Buffy the VampireSlayer19.45 The Farm: Updatedand Unseen21.05 five news21.25 CSI:NY22.25 Law and Order:Criminal Intent23.20 Film: Donato and

DaughterI think there’s a program miss-ing here that I accidentally delet-ed, possibly CSI Miami I’m notsure. Like you’re going to watchit anyway.02.00 Film: Rebel The PeteDoherty story. Oh sorry, Ithought this was called The Cunt03.35 Russell Grant'sPostcards03.45 Sunset Beach04.25 Beverly Hills, 9021005.10 Sons and Daughters05.35 Sons and Daughters

6:00am Insektors 6:10am TheHoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Transworld Sport Bogsniffing from Londonderry andchicken racing from Dusseldorf8:00am The Morning Line8:55amT4: Futurama 9:25am T4: Futurama 9:55am T4: hit40uk 10:25amT4: Playing it Straight 11:30am T4: Fiends 12:30pm T4: PureT41:00pm T4: Point Pleasant2:00pm Channel 4 Racing3:55pm Relocation, Relocation 5:00pm Property Ladder:Winchmore Hill Revisit6:00pm Morgan and Platell Formally titled ‘Dick and

Dominatrix’6:35pm Channel 4 News7:00pm The Dam Busters9:20pm The 100 GreatestWar Films A HUNDREdgreatest war films? I can’teven think of one! Surelyeveryone knows that warfilms are exclusively forOscar-concious directorsand “Uhh like I really wantedto tackle a serious role andget deep under the skin ofwhat it was like to be a 15year old streak of trench-piss” luvvies?12:30am Patton3:25am 4MUSIC: NapsterLive: Bloc Party The flavour

of the month rock the flounder-ing website. Bollocks to this.3:40am 4MUSIC: Popworld4:25am4MUSIC: hit40uk4:50amThe Jamie KennedyExperiment5:10am Home Road MoviesThe animated real-life story of ashy and awkward father who des-perately wanted the family car tomake him a better parentSounds fun to me.5:20am Countdown 6:05amClose Manners is convinced Ilook like Robert Smith from TheCure. No bad thing, I guess.

19.00Broadway: The AmericanMusical 19.55 Broadway: TheAmerican Musical20.55 Nation on Film: VE DaySpecial21.25 Mahalia Jackson inConcert21.55 Film: "The SaddestMusic in the World" GodspeedYou Black Emperor! - The DeadFlag Blues, Jeff Buckley -Hallelujah, The Decemberists -Red Right Ankle, Nick Cave andthe Bad Seeds - The Ship Song,The Magnetic Fields - No OneWill Ever Love You, Spiritualized -Broken Heart, SomethingCorporate - Konstantine, TheWeakerthans - Left and Leaving,Antony and the Johnsons - BirdGirl, Radiohead - Fake PlasticTrees, Mogwai - Cody, Low -Sunflowers, and the saddestsong of all time - The End of OurLives by Andrew WK. Pass thehankies.23.30 Eric Clapton: The Rock'n' Roll Years24.00 Eric Clapton: Searchingfor Robert Johnson01.05 Broadway: The AmericanMusical02.10 Broadway: The AmericanMusical

06.00 GMTV209.25 Emmerdale Omnibus12.10 Coronation StreetOmnibus14.30 Nanny 911 Spike andJimmy are playing up on theirnight in listening to old copies of“Bodyshaking” and trying torecreate the Backstreet Boys rip-off dance moves long after bed-time. Nanny resorts to chocolatecookies and warm milk to calmthem down. Lee, the shy one, isall tucked in by six o clock!15.30 Who Wants to Be aMillionaire?16.30 Holiday Showdown17.30 The Real Billy ElliotDiaries18.00 House of Horrors18.30 House of Horrors19.00 Planet's FunniestAnimals19.30 Journeys from Hell20.30 Celebrity Wrestling:Bring It On21.30 Film: "The Last Supper"23.15 Who Wants to Be aMillionaire?24.15 Footballers' Wives TV24.45 Footballers' Wives TV01.15 Emmerdale Omnibus03.40 Teleshopping05.40 ITV2 Nightscreen

19.00 Strictly Dance Fever onThree19.45 Doctor Who ConfidentialDocumentary presented bySimon Pegg, who should knowbetter.20.15 Farscape21.00 The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron21.55 Strictly Dance Fever onThree22.15 Film: "Rocky II" SlyStallone gets his ass pummelledby a hobo for the second time.24.10 Doctor Who24.55 Doctor Who Confidential01.25 Two Pints of Lager and aPacket of Crisps: Fags, Shagsand Kebabs The TV Desk story,only without the shags. And thekebabs. And only two of ussmokes. And TV Gareth doesn’tdrink. And nobody really eatscrisps here as we prefer choco-late as part of our nutritiousdiet. And none of us want to bein any way associated with TwoPints of Lager and a Packet ofcrisps.01.55 Grass02.25 Ideal A black coffee,some prog rock and a disapprov-ing lady friend.02.55 The House of Tiny

2:00pm Switched2:25pm T4 Specails2:50pm Hollyoaks Omnbus5:00pm Fiends5:30pm Fiends6:00pm Smallville: SupermanThe Early Years7:00pm Smallville: Supermanthe Foetus Years8:00pm Fiends8:30pm Fiends9:00pm Kylie: The ShowgirlTour11:10pm Playing It Straight“Spot the gayboy” only on TVand apparently PC.12:15amPorn: A Family Business12:50amSmallville: Superman The Yearswhere Clarks “Mom” WasHaving a Bit of Bonus MaterialWith The Landlord of The LocalScum Bar after Clark was Sentto Kryton’s Boarding School ForFucking Ugly Drones1:45am hit40uk 2:10am Porn: a FamilyBusiness 2:45am Line of FireBrian Harvey tries to snort someflaming hot monster munch pow-der after being egged on by “theboys”3:45am

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19.00 Doctor Who 19.45Doctor Who Confidential 20.00The House of Tiny Tearawayswith Tanya Byron 21.00Generation Jedi 22.00 FridayNight with Jonathan Ross23.00 The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron23.30 Two Pints of Lager and aPacket of Crisps 0.00 SwissToni 0.30 Monkey Dust Youabsolutely, positively must watchthis superb, dark, very weirdcomedy show. If you’re PC thenfuck off, you shouldn’t even betouching this paper, and you cer-tainly won’t appreciate this sliceof genius. If you, on the otherhand, are normal, then you willlove the first time cottager, theperpetually lying husband andthe suicidal dad. Fucking great.01.00 The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron01.55 Generation Jedi I waswalking through Cardiff the otherday when some kids started adiscussion by saying ‘who wouldwin out of Luke and Dooko’.Fucking hell they need to get outmore. And the new film will beshite as the other two were.02.55 Bang! Bang!

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Halle Berry...Love Chain 9.45 JustinTimberlake... It's Good to Be10.10 Who Wants to Be aMillionaire? 11.10 CelebrityWrestling: Bring It On12.10 American Idol 13.05American Idol 13.30Emmerdale Omnibus 16.20Coronation Street Omnibus18.45 Celebrity Wrestling20.00 American Idol 20.50American Idol 21.20 Film:Threesome (1994) Every male’sfantasy, and soon to be realisedin the gair rhydd office. Therehave been sniffings of sexualconduct taking place in the, nowderelict, Xpress offices. If wecatch them, we’ll print the pic-tures in the paper and on thenet. Promiscious journalists arethe worst kind. 23.10Coronation Street 23.40Footballers' Wives TV 0.10Footballers' Wives TV 0.40Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned01.10 Million Dollar Babes01.40 Sally Jessy Raphael Isshe a turtle? Raphael was thecoolest one: red bandana andfork things. 02.20 Teleshopping04.20 ITV2 Nightscreen

19.00 Broadway: The AmericanMusical 20.00 Broadway: TheAmerican Musical 21.00Broadway: The AmericanMusical 22.00 Inside theOrange Revolution 23.00 TheSoviet Union's Last Stand andto cut a very long story short,they lost. Badly. 0.00 Broadway:The American Musical 01.00Broadway: The AmericanMusical Just in case you missthe show at 9pm and 10pm, youcan catch it again now at 1amand at 2am. It must be becauseit’s such a great show? Musn’tit? I mean, it can’t be becauseBBC4 don’t have any good pro-grammes to show? 01.55Broadway: The AmericanMusical 02.55 Inside theOrange Revolution 03.55 CloseAt the moment, the office isenthralled by the election unrav-elling before our eyes. What isthe problem with too many ofthe fucking idiots in this countryvoting BNP. In my immigrationlaws, racist cunts would beshipped off to the Pacific Oceanand have their boat sunk. ThenI’d film it and create a new reali-ty TV show. I’d watch it.

14:00 Average Joe 15:00 TheNext Joe Millionaire 16:00 TheNext Joe Milloinaire 17:00Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00The O.C. 19:00 Smallville:Superman The Early Years20:00 Scrubs Oh, oh, oh newseries of Scrubs. I watched itlast week and it is great. Newplotlines to be revealed nextweek. 20:30 Scrubs 21:00 ER22:00 Desperate Housewives23:00 Scrubs 23:30 Scrubs23:55 The O.C. 12:50 PlayingIt Straight 01:50 Smallville:Superman The Early Years02:35 ER 03:20 Switched04:00 Close Today has gone soslowly in the office. Editor Garyhad to go to hospital becausehe was beaten with a shelf byhis manic housemate. We’vevowed to fight back for the goodof the paper and are planningthe sweetest form ofrevenge...have the news monkeytry and pull said housemate towithin an inch of their sanity. It’sthe Roland Rat laugh that reallygets me going. That’s anothershow to bring back, Roland andhis rat pack. I love the 80’s so,so much. Goodbye.

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 TheHoobs 7:00 French Football: LeChampionnat 7:30 ThunderRacing At The Rock 7:55 WorldSuperbikes 2005 8:25 Vee TV8:55 hit40uk 9:25 Hollyoaks9:55 Hollyoaks 10:25Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks11:30 Hollyoaks 12:00Manifesto 12:30 Yr Wythnos13:00 Rownd A Rownd 13:30Rownd A Rownd 14:00 StarTrek: Enterprise 14:45 StarTrek Enterprise 15:30 Dudley16:00 Cwpwrdd Dillad 16:3004Wal 17:00 Hip Neu Sgip?17:30 Newyddion 17:35 PobolY Cwm Omnibws 19:30 RhwngDuw A Dyn 20:00 DechrauCanu Dechrau 20:30 Cofia 60:Rhyfel Y Cymry 21:00Newyddion 21:10 Cyngerdd YrEisteddfod Gyda Julian LloydWebber 23:00 Tipyn O Stad23:30 The 100 Greatest WarFilms 02:40 Morgan & Platell03:05 Cinema Iran: 20 Fingers(2004) Ridler’s girlfriend discov-ers the delights of out ofbounds fun at the MediaAwards. Feisty. 04:30Diwedd/Close Ok so that wasbelow the belt. Harsh but fair.

6:00 Breakfast 9:30 Breakfastwith Frost 10:30 In the Powerof the Spirit 11:30 Countryfile12:00 The Politics Show13:00 Bargain Hunt 13:30The Father Dowling Mysteries14:15 EastEnders 16:10Holiday 10 Best 16:50 FinalScore Why is this on aSunday? They should reallyshow cartoons like they usedto. ‘Bring back Tom And Jerry’will be my next campaign17:25 Points of View 17:40Songs of Praise

18:20 Last of the SummerWine18:50 AntiquesRoadshow19:35 BBC News;Regional News; Weather20:00 FILM: Indiana Jonesand the Last Crusade(1989) This is definatelythe best of the trilogy. Themoral ending with thesmallest and most humblecup being that of the big JCstirred my soul. SeanConnery’s sterling perform-ance and the actionpacked scene mean this isunmissable. And no, noneof the above shows anyhint of sarcasm. Why don’tyou believe me? Heathen.22:00 BBC News;Weather22:15 Match of the Day

23:45 FILM: When SaturdayComes (1995) I’ll be off to theMedia Awards and, for the firsttime, sitting on the gair rhyddtable instead of the Xpressone. I guess that means I’ll bedoing th heckling then. Argh!I’m a tosser! 1:25am: JoinsBBC News 24 Nah, I’m notreally, I’m only joking. If you goalong to the Media Awards orthe aftershow party, don’t lynchme, come and say a big helloand give me a hug. It’ll makeme feel better.

6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05What's New Scooby-Doo? 7:30Smile 10:00 Sunday Past Times11:30 Bill's Food Bill Murray red-calls his favourite food fromsome of his most famous films.Groundhog Day: pork,Ghostbusters: jelly, Lost InTranslation: weird Sushistuff.11:55 The Nation'sFavourite Food 12:25 SundayGrandstand 12:35 FrenchMotorcycle Grand Prix 14:00Golf: British Masters 17:40Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em

18:10 Natural World19:00 The House of TinyTearaways with TanyaByron20:00 Hawking This wasn’ttoo bad when it was on lastyear. Sadly enough, I actual-ly have A Brief History ofTime on my bookshelf.Clearly, never going to readit but at least I can pretendto be intellectual.21:30 Dead Ringers22:00 Storyville: The Fog ofWar Thankfully nothing to dowith Dogville.

23:45 FILM: The BostonStrangler (1968) Not unlike thestalker in Neighbours at themoment although probably slight-ly harsher. 02:00 BBC LearningZone: WorkSkills for AdultLearners: Adult Learners Week:Skills 03:00 Adult LearnersWeek: Books 04:00 AdultLearners Week: Diversity 5:00Adult Learners Week: BeliefsThis show claims to be ‘adulteducation’ so clearly this isabout taboo sex between mem-bers of the Catholic church. Theonly way to avoid becoming preg-nant if you’re not allowed to usea condom? Take them up thechuff. Seedy religion if you askme. My official title is, TVManners: Pope Basher.

6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10The Sunday Programme 9.25Planet's Funniest Animals 9.55Celebrity Wrestling would bemuch more interesting if it wasmore like Celebrity Deathmatchso we could actually rid our-selves of Z-list celebs. 11.10Survival Special Year of theChimpanzee 12.10 Waterfront12.45 Jonathan Dimblebyincluding Lunchtime News andWeather 13.40 ITV1 WalesNews and Weather 13.45 FILM:Ever After: A Cinderella Story(1998) 15.55 The Real BillyElliot Diaries 16.25 World RallyChampionship 17.25 Fishlock'sWild Tracks 17.55 Going toSeed As the season changes,Doyle goes on heat with thesole ambition to bed as manywomen as possible. His eroticdance seems to work wondersand baffles the men around hiswho think, by rights, he shouldbe a monk.

18.25 ITV1 Wales Newsand Weather18.40 ITV News; Weather19.00 Emmerdale19.30 Coronation Street20.00 Heartbeat21.00 William and Mary22.00 Town and Country

23.00 ITV News 23.05 TheSouth Bank Show Paul Abbott0.05 It's My Life 0.45Essentials of Faith: a god, achurch or place to worship,some old guy to talk patronising-ly to you, some holy book ofsome sort, lots of wine, bread,people back you up in yourbelief, no brain, abandoning ofall reason, no reading of bookswhich deny your faith and astrange glint in your eye. 01.10The Paul O'Grady Show 02.05Trisha 3.00 Today with Des andMel, Des grabbed Mel’s boob.03.55 Loose Women 04.30 ITVNightscreen 05.30 ITV EarlyMorning News

6:05 Making It 6:10 TehHoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00French Football: LeChampionnat 7:30 ThunderRacing At The Rock I’ve foundout this has nothing to do withThunder in Paradise or HullkHogan. Shame. 7:55 WorldSuperbikes 8:25 Vee TV 8:55T4: Urban Music Festival: TheYoung Disciples 9:25 T4:Popworld 10:20 T4: HollyoaksOmnibus Everytime I turn on C4on a Sunday, this bloody showseems to always be on churningout more and more non-uglypeople. I’d quite like to live inHollyoaks merely for Becca.Mmm.... 13:00 T4: Friends13:35 T4: The O.C. Or T’oc assome northerners call it. 14:40T4: The O.C. 15:40 T4: StarTrek Enterprise 16:35 T4: StarTrek Enterprise 17:30 TheAirships

18:30 Time Team SpecialTony Robinson has gonedown in my estimationsafter he was spouting someshit about how great MrBlair has been as PM.Keep on digging Baldrick.19:30 Channel 4 News20:00 Pioneer House21:00 The 100 GreatestWar Films AmericanBeauty, ShawshankRedemption, Care Bears:The Movie, Action Force:The Movie, Donnie Darko,Reservoir Dogs andMississippi Burning. Ohwait...

0:15 The Deer Hunter (1978)One of the earliest episodes ofSouth Park revisited withscreams of ‘THEY’RE COMINGRIGHT FOR US’ to be heardeverywhere. 03:30 FrenchFootball: Le Championnat05:20 Countdown 06:05 CloseAnd so ends another Sunday ofentertainment and drivel fromthose at C4.

6.00 Softies 6.05 Bear in theBig Blue House 6.30 The Save-Ums! 6.40 Bagpuss 6.55Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.20Milkshake! 7.25 Ebb and Flo7.30 Funky Valley 7.35 MakeWay for Noddy 7.50 Rolie PolieOlie 8.25 Franklin 8.50 GeorgeShrinks 9.25 The Secret of EelIsland 9.40 Aliens among Us9.55 Don't Blame the Koalas10.25 Michaela's WildChallenge This week, she takespart in the new gameshow, 99Ways To Lose Your Virginity.Michaela is tied between num-ber 54 (tag sex during the ‘bestfeature’ section of the MediaAwards) and number 97 (using asex toy to rip apart both holes).Viewers get to phone in to helpher decide. More people willphone into this than voted in theelection. Dirty little whore.10.55 Snobs 11.30 A DifferentLife 12.00 Rooted 12.35Andalusia: The Legacy of theMoors 13.05 five news update13.20 Film: It's a Mad, Mad,Mad, Mad World (1963) 16.10Film: Driving Miss Daisy (1989)

18.00 five news18.25 Film: 3 Ninjas: HighNoon at Mega Mountain(1998) Hulk Hogan is inthis film! Surely that’s morethan enough to warrantwatching this awesomeKarate Kid rip-off.20.00 Joey20.30 Two and a Half MenDoyle finally fulfils his ulti-mate taboo fantasy.21.00 There's SomethingAbout Geri Yeah, she’s fat,ginger, annoying, can’t singand abuses dogs.22.30 The Farm

23.20 World's Wildest PoliceVideos 0.15 ITU Triathlon WorldCup 01.05 US Major LeagueBaseball 04.30 PortugueseFootball has lots and lots offuego and ola.

SundayPage 28 May 9 - May 15 2005

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Dr.May 9 2005 Page 29Gair Rhydd Problem Page

[email protected] - The Law Of Diminishing Marginal Returns

The LloydGrossmanPhoto

Casebook

Having decided that the skeletonmight be that of Phil’s, Jon and Lloydpromptly vomited everywhere. It was-

n’t even remotely funny.

After vomiting for twenty nine min-utes, Jon and Lloyd ran away - mainlyin the hope of finding that helicopter

again.

Over the ravines they flew, overmountain passes, over trees and

dead dinosaur carcasses.And then they saw it.

Phil had pitched a tent in a forest.Jon and Lloyd were rather happy withthat, but were still confused by the

reality of being in the Cretaceous era.

EP.5 WEEK 4

Continues Next Week

To Doctor,I have reason to believethere is a worm-hole inmy hedge. Witness: a few weeks ago - ‘twasa good week, oh yes - I found alamp shade in my shrubbery. I wasnot perturbed! One inhabits in astudent populated area; one canexpect a few oddities here andthere. I took the lamp shade andplaced it upon my lamp. A finetreasure to behold. A week passed: another treasureappeared in my bush. A pair ofglasses! Joy betide. I put them onmy lamp. I was not prey to fits ofexasperation! I turned the lampoff.Last week: a snorkel arrived. Itwas nice! I placed the snorkelatop the glasses and lamp.Two days ago: I had occasion toturn on my lamp. FUCK! The light,magnified by the spectaclescoursed through the snorkel, andcreated a portal in the floor!What should I do, Doctor?Someone is calling me frombeyond, sending me the materialsto make a portal opener whereso-ever I can plug in my lamp. But

calling me for what? I seek yourcounsel, Doctor. Extraterrestriallives might be at stake!

Jhasghiff Nalsertyhorb, 3rd yr.Spanish

From what I gather they aren’t themost personable of objects, theseportal things. They do have certainqualities, but those qualities areusually hidden in a bag which ishidden in a bin bag, which is hid-den in a wheelie bin. Thirteen thou-sand and a half kilometres and acentimetre away. They go out; theyparty. They fall through strangelyshaped portals into peoples’hedges.

But that’s just a rumour I’veheard, and we all know aboutthem, don’t we?

Essentially you’ve been a bit stu-pid, because not only is it now like-ly that you’ve assembled the firstalien weapon ever assembled onearth, but they’ve also begun nego-tiations to command earth throughthe lampshade gun that you’ve nowfired. I think it’s safe to say thatyou’re responsible for quite a lot,Jhasghiff.

The items that the bush has

yielded are the kind of items thatare wholly innocent when seen asinnocent, but as you’ve found out,when combined they work to createa cross-dimensional vortex portalthat hasn’t got a door handle, oreven a letterbox. If it did have a let-ter box we - as an entire humanrace - could all write a letter. I’dimagine it’d say something like:

“Dear Interspitial Race with theamusingly placed worm hole,

Apart from causing untold prob-lems for the children we firstassumed were dropping litter inpeople’s bushes, you’re also quitecomprehensibly scary and we, asthe people of earth, wouldn’t mindif you stated your intentions or atleast showed us what your willieslook like so if you DO want toinvade and take over then at leastour women and children have a pur-pose. Of course, our males will tryand batter you, but forgive themthat; you are being a bit naughty.

Yours,The Earth. (x)”So there you go. Ruined every-

thing haven’t you, you nosey bas-tard.

Matt.

Dr. Matthew!You’ve been getting lotsof strange problemsrecently, so here’s a nor-mal one.

There’s this girl who I’ve seenin the library. In fact, I see her allthe time. Regularly, actually.

I really fancy her, but I can’tpluck up the courage to go andtalk to her. It makes me feel likea pudding.

Can you give me any advice asto how I might engineer anencounter with her, so I can feellike more of a man? If I don’t talkto her before the end of the yearI’ll kick myself.

A lonely 3rd year

PS His housemates wrote this onhis behalf so please make himanonymous!

Oh dear. Well, it might be time fora list. Not done one of those for awhile. The prospect fills me withchronic glee.

Providing you read these rules,and have a condom (or a syringe)which you can abuse and neglectwholeheartedly to render her

completely pregnant, you’ll doalright:1) Throw a pencil at her head, andapologise. 2) Throw a pencil at her head,pick it up again, throw it at herhead again, pick it up, stab it inher cheek, apologise and thendislodge the pencil from her face,before sticking it in your own nos-tril.3) Try a courageously dissimilartactic involving the phrase"hello."4) Assemble dozens and twoextra pencils on the floor, run atthem and place a swiftly movingleft foot upon their hexagonalwood composite bodies, shout"for Palestine" and badly damageher with a flailing arm; you dohave exactly two of them. 5) Flick snot in her direction, par-ticularly if the snot’s got a bit ofblood in it because you stuck that pencil in your nose. 6) Swear violently at her generallack of facial hair. 7) Apologise, but make a scene ofit – this can involve a Mr Bumpaction figure and/or ricin. 8) Execute a rare manoeuvre thatno-one will see.

9) Inquire as to her willingness toput epoxy resin between her lipsand pretend to blow you a kiss. 10) Drive to her parents’ house,mutilate her pets, put them in ahoover bag, wrap it in cling filmand present it to her with a notesaying "I’ll do your mother next,that colossal pig." Then emptyher pets onto her work and strokethem. 11) Set fire to her. Articulatingmild peril. People ablaze = veryfunny though. 12) Ask if you can touch her sug-gestively, do it anyway, and claimyou’re deaf. Or dying. 13) Pull bits of your skin off andthen run at her, flapping them.You might like to add that you’re aleper and that you’re going to lep-erise her, and then say, well, onlyjoking love. And lastly - (but by no meansleastly),14) Weld her to a chair, and tellher that she’ll fucking notice younow, and throw her through a win-dow.

Matthew.

Once upon a time therewas a big round thing.

It was so round that ifyou could walk to oneside of it you certainlycouldn’t tell which wayyou’d walked from. It wasalso beige.

This really confusedsome people, so the biground thing grew signposts using its advancedroundy-engine. One of thesign posts said: "I’m real-ly round – don’t forget."The other one said: "I’mbeige."

The small cubes thatcounted as people in thisparticular instance foundthis hilarious, but in realitythey had no cause tosmile.

Do you know why?

To investigate this, we’llhave to acknowledge theirstory...

…Once upon a timethere were some littlecubes (they were brown)that got bored of fashion-ing towers out of eachother and decided theyneeded some more excite-ment, or at least a newshape; even if that newshape was something thatwouldn’t really fit withthem.

Algebra was completelyterrifying and so theyrelied upon a tiny conicalfellow to build them a con-ically constructed cuboidcar that would drive themto relative enthusiasm ona distant spherical objectthat wittily called itself abig round thing.

They were lifted intothe conically constructedcuboid car by a well-man-nered trapezium calledTina that also put them inneat piles. Being cubes, ofcourse, they were veryspatially economical.

They arrived on the biground thing at about six o’clock, and immediatelystarted laughing.

Then, they stopped.

Do you know why?

...

Cubes can’t make towerswithout a flat surface tobegin with. The End.

“I Feel Like A Pudding”

Hedge Oddity Causes Carpet Portal

Dr. Matthew’sSurgery

Ou-est ta mere?0800-ICI

Je mappelle Mattieu0800-J’ai une merde

Je n’aime pas ça0800-PYGMÉE

New terrorist threat?0800-PARAPLEGICS!

On n’a pas le droit demanger la merde.

Nightline : 029 2022 3993:

Matthew

Problems. You’ve got one. I can tell. I can smell it. I suppose there’s not much left to beproblematic, I’d imagine I’ve covered most aspects of the Problem. But then, I haven’ttouched on really serious, sensitive issues like fingernails falling off. Email me if you like.

gair rhydd’s very nearly reliable Cardiff

Recommended

If you haven’t heard of Derren(yes that’s Derren not Darren)Brown then you must have

been walking around with youreyes closed for the last year.

Derren has become a nationalphenomenon, making David Blainlook like a pissed-up tramp onesandwich short of a picnic.

Any fans of his programmes willknow that Derren Brown is aunique force in the world of illu-sion, he can seemingly predict andcontrol human behaviour, througha series of unbelievable events.

He doesn't claim to be a mind-reader, instead he describes hiscraft as a unique mixture of magic,suggestion, psychology, misdirec-tion and showmanship.

Whatever you want to call it, hisunparalleled performances amaze

and unsettle all those who watchhim, with a recent victim wantingto punch him after letting Derrendo his thing.

This is a powerful and provoca-tive form of entertainment, unlike-ly to be imitated for a long while.

Derren traces his interest inpsychological techniques to child-hood, and claims that like a lot ofsolitary children he developed aninterest in magic, but it was onlylater at Bristol University, wherehe studied Law and German, thathe started to take it seriously.

After graduating, Derren decid-ed to abandon his career in Lawand concentrated on developing hisskills at psychological magic, pay-ing the bills by combining per-formances in cafés and bars with asideline in portraiture.

His big break came in 1999when he was asked by Channel 4 toput a TV show together. ‘DerrenBrown – Mind Control’, was shownin December 2000, proving animmediate success.

In August 2001 he followed thiswith another special: ‘DerrenBrown – Mind Control 2’, furtherestablishing him as a hit with view-ers and critics alike.

So if you want to test your mind,and not have a battered, librarybook in sight, then head over to St.David’s Hall and catch him in theonly Welsh date on his tour.

People laughed at me when Isaid I was going to do standup comedy... well they’re not

laughing now.”When Bob Monkhouse uttered

these immortal words, it was all wecould do to control our mirth.

However, beneath the joviality ofthis remark lies comment to theunavoidable risk that this area ofthe performing arts brings.

The comedy gauntlet is a ficklepath, flanked by giggling chimps onone side, and cruel silver backs onthe other. One step wrong andyou’ll be ripped limb from limb.Basra with Banter.

And so it is that the first few ten-tative steps taken by comics areoften the hardest. Poncho aims to

present a show-case of up andcoming UK tal-ent in an atmos-phere that leansmore toward sup-port than cynicism.

Held in a cosy bar room,upstairs in Chapter, the culture andsetting results in a distinctly com-munal feel between act and audi-ence, rarely found in larger venues.This is comedy without pretence...the way it was intended.

A number of names who havechosen to tread the boards atPoncho have gone on to ply theirtrade professionally.

As with Will Hodgson, ex-wrestler and communist partymember, who claimed the PerrierAward for Best Newcomer in 2004.Comedy takes all mediums!

Friday brings, most notably, JohnOliver, an Edinburgh Festival regu-lar whose recent TV work includesArdal Ohanlon’s ‘My Hero’ and thelatest series of ‘People Like Us’.

Frank Honeybone, Paul Jenningand a youthful Ellis James areamongst the others making a jocu-lar turn.

I’ve heard it said that laughtermakes the world go round, and at£3 I think it’s about time we all didour bit for global happiness.

Awhopping and entirely mas-sive party awaits the dis-cerning hip hop fan this

week as our Union plays host toone of the main contenders for thetitle of ‘The UK’s Finest Rapper’.

SkinnyMan has been a longtermfixture on the UK hip hop scene asa founding member of the BuryCrew and Mud Family rap crews.

His troubled life, reminiscent insome respects of Gil Scott-Heron’spast, has seen him serve jail time andhas pitted him against some of theharsher realities of inner-city life.

However, as with all truly skilledsocial commentators, his difficultexperiences have served to informhis art. And to acclaimed effect.

He was this year’s Best Male atthe UK Hip-Hop Awards and hisalbum of last year Council Estate of

Mind was hailed as "a triumph" byNME, while Blues and Souldeclared:

"Council Estate of Mind shouldbe celebrated as being so muchmore than just good hip-hop... [Itis] an album that speaks to, and for,a whole generation of working classBritish youth."

Though neither publication canbe considered the pinnacle of musicjournalism, their views are repre-sentative of the critical response toSkinnyMan and his music to date.

SkinnyMan’s partner on thetour, Humurak D Gritty, is perhapsthe finest MC in Wales. A familiarfigure at Cardiff’s Higher Learningnights amongst others., he’s sure toput in a good performance in whatwill be a home town gig.

These two formidable MCs willbe appearing with the respectedand utterly dependable DJs Flip

and Killer Tomato. The latter of thetwo will be known to those of youwho’ve been enjoying QualityControl in the Taf of a Friday night.

Support comes from beat boxcrew, The Indelible Ties and thenight is hosted by Blaktrix. No hiphop fest is complete without someb-boys and girls spinning and flip-ping and Cardiff break dance crew'Uprock Addicts' will be doing thehonours on Tuesday.

If you are left in any doubt as tothe worth of the night’s proceed-ings, take note that the event is pre-sented by the Live Music Society, averitable cast-iron guarantee ofquality if ever there was one.

Whilst no particular dress codeapplies, I suspect apparel whichtends toward outrageously baggywill be de riguer. Tickets are avail-able from the Union box office,Spillers, Catapult, and Ticket Line.

Page 30 May 9 2005

SSkkiinnnnyyMMaann&& HHuummuurraakkDD GGrriittttyy @Solus, SUTues 10 May10pm / £5

DDeerrrreennBBrroowwnn@St. David’s Hall Tues 10 May7.30pm / from £13.50

PPoonncchhoo@ChapterArts CentreFri 13th May9pm / £3

Sefton Recommends

Tom Craine Recommends

Schmit Recommends

Martin Carthy, Norma Waterson, and Eliza Carthy - Wed 18 May @St David’s Hall - 8pm / £12 ... Elvis Costello & The Imposters - Sun 22 May@St. David’s Hall - 8pm / £28.50 ... Mark Knopfler - Tue 24 May @CIA ... The Louis Stewart / Gilad Atzmon Quintet - Tue 24 May @St. David’s Hall - 8pm / £10

... Tom Jones - Sat 28 May @Ynysangharad Park, Pontypridd ... Elton John - Tues 14 June @ CIA ... Suzanne Vega - Wed 29 June @St. David’s Hall / £17.50 ... Kings of Leon - Sat2 July @CIA ... Amy Winehouse - Sun 3 July @St. David’s Hall / £13.50... REM & The Zutons - Sun 10 July @Millennium Stadium ... Keith Barret Show Live - Sun 17 July @CIA

[email protected]

CCOOMMIINNGG UUPP

PPiicckkooff tthheeWWeeeekk

GuestPick

If it’s on it could be in. But maybeLLIISSTTIINNGGSS

TThhuurrssddaayy1122//0055The Newsboys @SU Do they deliver papers? £10. 7pm. Devious @BarflyTrack requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = arocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.Metal @MetrosEr... metal. 9pm-2am. Enthusiasm @MolokoCardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night.And as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late.8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.Boomshanka @Toucan Bar Acoustic soul/hippy funk with The Pockets.8pm-1am. £3/£2.Live @The BarflyStrange Pains / Victorian English Gentlemen'sClub / Decibully / Gashcan 5. 7.30pm. £4.Live @ToucanMohair. The Fly calls them ‘a Cockney Belle &Sebastian swigging whiskey with Ryan Adams.'NME adds, 'Put simply, Mohair are one of thehottest newcomers in the UK.’ Contact thevenue directly for info, but I’ll go out on a limband guess it starts about 7.30pm (though theToucan sometimes adopts wacky start times).

SSuunnddaayy1155//0055Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU Questions.MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath SiteThe same. 8pm.Sunday @IncognitoAudio Chefs bring you house. 8pm-12.30am.No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3s and you be the DJ! Freeentry. 7pm-2am.Acoustic Cafe @Toucan BarOpen mic sessions where anyone can get upand jam or just listen. They provide the guitarand mic; you provide the talent. Hosted byPeter & Lee. Not to be confused with Petersand Lee, a duff, 70s, folkish, sighted/unsightedpop duo. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.Alison Moyet @ St. David’s HallCurrently celebrating the success of her recentTop Ten gold selling album Voice, 80s icon,Alison Moyet - together with an 8 piece bandincluding a string quartet - will perform songsfrom Voice and Hometime as well as previous-ly unperformed tracks from her back cata-logue. How can you possibly have a back-cat-alogue of Unperformed tracks? “Plus SpecialGuests”, we are reliably informed though in myexperience un-named ‘special guests’ areeither hastily arranged just before the gig or notspecial enough to be specified. Think 80s has-beens. 7.30pm. £22.50. Phew.

FFrriiddaayy1133//0055Quality Control @Taf, SU Hosted by top-notch DJ, Killer Tomato. Hiphop, funk, breaks, d‘n’b. 9pm-2am. Free.Fat Friday @Solus, SUIt’s a revamped Lashtastic. 10pm-2am.£3.50/£3 adv.The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor BachIndie, retro. 10pm. £3.50.Mad4It! @BarflyJoin Mike TV for the Greatest Indie &Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to theStrokes, The Smiths and The Doors, etc,etc. Yawn. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS.Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesdaysaps. £2.50 before 10pm.Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skoolclassics, and jump up party breaks. Freeentry before 11pm.

Maes B @The ToucanThe city’s finest Welsh language night feat.Frizbee / Brigyn / Llubo Ap Wilis & Shinmen.Plus DJ Guto Brychan. £5.Live @ Barfly Prisoners Of The Sun / The Samba LucasBand / The Domino Effect. Incorporatingfunk, folk, ska, and a dash of melodic popharmony, Prisoners Of The Sun have threepromises: no powerchords, no pretensions,and no plagiarism. 7.30pm. £4 adv.Dave Stapleton Quintet @Riverbank HotelSuperb jazz originals. 9pm. £4/£3 NUS.

TTuueessddaayy1100//0055

Comedy Club @Seren Las, SU Last time I went I wet my pants. Talking ofpants, does anyone want to come to a pantsparty? Let me know. 8-11pm. £4 NUS.Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazzdance and boogaloo. Boasts a decentdancefloor surface too, which is a must forall that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.7pm-2am. Free.Sabotage @MetrosRock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm.Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a mar-ginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50.Open Mic @The ToucanThere’s a mic. It’s open.Live @Barfly Silverstein / The Black Maria / Aiden.Silverstein formed in early 2000 aiming totear down the boundaries between hard-core, emo and punk. 7pm. £6. Live @St. David’s HallDerren Brown - Mind Reader. See facingpage for details. 7.30pm. £13.50-£18.50.Live @ Clwb Ifor BachThe Magic Numbers / The Absentee. It'salready been one hell of a year for TheMagic Numbers. Romeo and his band havealready released the limited 7" Hymn ForHer, as well as collaborating with TheChemical Brothers. 8pm. £7. Harlem Globetrotters @C.I.AI’m guessing it’s a load of impressive ‘B ball’shenanigans. 6.30pm. £15-£27.50.

not. Uh-huh, yeah, you heard me.

MMoonnddaayy0099//0055Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something spe-cial in the Xpress Lounge. New Noise @MetrosAlternative therapy for the musicallydepressed. New music. New ideas. Newnoise. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And moreafterwards, presumably.Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin,broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasionalchocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. FreeCoordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul and disco withGareth Davies & Mr Potter. 7-11pm. £1NUS.Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff and Rowan. 8pm-12.30am.£1 after 9pm.Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe JazzMusicians and singers can sign in at thedoor to perform with the house trio. Variablequality of playing and singing but alwaysenjoyable. 8.45pm. £2/£1 if you perform.

Live @Clwb Ifor BachMiss Black America / The Priory / Kyshera.Favourites of the late great John Peel, MissBlack America are back on the road onceagain. Tickets are going like hot cakes so getyours now. 8pm. £5.

WWeeddnneessddaayy1111//0055Rubber Duck @Solus, SU Did anyone go last week? Did you see me? Ifthe answer is ‘yes’ to both, then can you tell mewhat happened? A huge section of my memo-ry / dignity was lost there. (I think.) Send emailsentitled ‘Schmit’s off his tits’. 10pm. £3.Wednesday Social @The Barfly Relax, soak up the atmosphere or play animpromptu set. Bring a banjo. 12noon-2.30pm. Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors.This is the overspill. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS.Cheapskates @MetrosAlternative & cheese. 9pm-2am.All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco. Popscene:indie. Milky Bar: electric chill out andPlaystations! 9.30pm. £2.50 NUS.Wednesdays @Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze,Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3amBread and Butter @The Toucan Not of the pudding variety. Night of hip hop andnew beats. 10pm. £2.Hang the DJ @The Model Inn 8pm. Free. That’s all we got.Traffic @The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night.8pm-1am. Free for members / £1 NUS.

Dave Jones Trio @Riverbank HotelAce ivory-tinkler doing the business in a jazzmanner with solid support. 9pm. £4 / £3 NUS.

listings with Muddiman, Sefton and Schmit.

Day By DayMay 9 2005 Page 31

VenuesStudents’ Union, Park Place02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.comMed Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park02920 744948Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club),11 Womanby Street02920 232199 www.clwb.netThe Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.ukBarfly, KingswayTickets: 08709070999www.barflyclub.com/cardiffMetros, Bakers Row02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.comDempseys, Castle Street02920 252024Moloko, 7 Mill Lane02920 225592Incognito, Park Place02920 412190Liquid, St. Mary Street02920645464The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street02920 230678Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.comThe Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Streetwww.riverbankjazz.co.ukSt. David’s Hall, The Hayes02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.ukChapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton02920 304400 www.chapter.orgWales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.ukThe New Theatre, Park Place02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.ukThe Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.ukThe Glee Club, Mermaid Quay0870 2415093 www.glee.co.ukCardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street02920 224488The Millennium StadiumCan’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com

[email protected]

Pick Of The DayLive @ Barfly Million Dead / Days of Worth / Engerica.Million Dead came together in London inmid-2001, taking their name from a line ina song by legendary Swedish punk bandRefused. They’ve toured with Cave In, TheIcarus Line, Pitchshifter and Alec Empire.£8. 7.30pm.

Pick Of The DayLive @BarflyThe Cherubs / The Automatic / Audioclaim.After tours with The Libertines, gettingstranded penniless in Scandinavia and sign-ing to Cargo Records, a lot has happened ina short time for London-based Cherubs.Time to catch them flying solo before they'repacking out venues five times bigger.7.30pm. £5.

Pick Of The DaySilent Running @Clwb Ifor BachLondon Elektricity (AKA Tony Colman)smash up the musical side of drum &bass. The band has caused quite a stirand has been in constant demand. Newalbum, Power Ballads will be in storesSeptember, but you can get a taste ofwhat to expect here. 10pm. £8 adv.

Pick Of The Day 1Skinnyman @Solus, SUSee facing page for details.

Pick Of The Day 2Derren Brown @St. David’s HallSee facing page for details.

Pick Of The DayStaying In @Your HouseNot so much ‘day of rest’ as ‘give it a rest’this Sunday. No doubt we’ve failed to takenote of something decent happening inCardiff but of what we do know is happen-ing, nothing appeals. Why not stay in and have a Connect 4tounament with your housemates. Or ifyou’re one of those lamentable individualswithout Connect 4, perhaps invest sometime into discussing the merits of bacon.

Pick Of The DayDracula @New Theatre. Blood, make up, black clothes. No, notMetros. It’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula, in a newadaptation by Bryony Lavery. Stars ColinBaker (Dr Who, Little Britain) as Van Helsingand Richard Bremmer as Count Dracula.Terrifying, sensual, and yet deadly, the fear-some figure of Dracula continues to haunt uson film, stage and on the page. As old as sinitself, the story's epic battle between good andevil, darkness and light, is one that has jour-neyed through the generations to the veryheart of our modern-day world. Runs fromTuesday to Saturday, and what’s in the middleof that? Thursday. So here it is. Evenings7.30pm; Thursday & Saturday matinees2.30pm. Tickets start at £5.

SSaattuurrddaayy1144//0055Come Play @Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop andbreaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul, fun, andLatin in the Xpress Lounge. Sweets and stuff.10pm-2am. £3.50 adv.Fly Swatter @BarflyBen and Rich have a change of name but nota change of heart. 40 years of classic and cur-rent indie. 10.30pm. £3 NUS.Delinquent @MetrosAlternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Freewith flyer before 10pm/£4.Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.Mind Your Head @ToucanCaptain Paranoid & guest MCs. Free B410pm/£3.50 after. Live @Clwb Ifor BachLucent / Fortune Drive / The Article. Lucent area Cardiff based four-piece rock band formed inJan ‘04 made up of ex-members from estab-lished unsigned Cardiff bands Fenton, UrbanClearway and Gracie. 7 pm. £4.

St David's Praise 2005 @St. David’s HallA Christian celebration with Cambrensis Choirand Orchestra and the St David’s Praise Choirof over 300 singers, featuring classical, tradi-tional and contemporary music. 7.30pm. £7.20NUS.

Pick Of The DayLive @ Clwb Ifor BachVibration White Finger / Cuban Heels /Attack & Defend / Laser Safari DJs."Cardiff's finest high-octane rock 'n' rollband." Barfly. Do not miss this! VWFshows always go down a storm, and thiswill be no different. Hailed as local heroesthey are one of Cardiff's best live bands,they’ll definitely get you dancing with theirunique musical blend. "Potentially mas-sive!" SoundNation. 8pm. £5.

Fed up by nasty negative campaigningDear gair rhydd,

So, this election, right. It’s my firsttime voting, I really want to vote butwho the hell do I vote for? I thoughtI’d made up my mind, but then yourcoverage last week has just made meeven more confused.

So, Labour, yeah. I don’t like TonyBlair and I certainly didn’t like theIraq War, but then Jon Owen Jonesvoted against it, but I don’t know howmuch difference it’s made. I’m justnot quite sure I can vote for them.But then Dan Ridler’s articledescribed him as an angry small man.But then again the Lib Dems justseem like they’ve geared their poli-cies specifically to patronise students– scrap-top up fees and legalisecannabis – yeah, that’s what everystudent wants isn’t it? Er, no actually.

I’ve also been really put off by thedownright nasty negative campaign-ing by Jon Owen Jones and JennyWillott. Both seem to spend moretime sniping at each other than talk-ing about the real issues. Hello, thereare actually other people involved inthis election you know – the people?They’re the ones who vote you in. Ornot as the case may be.

I’m not sure I really buy into theidea of Welsh Nationalism, so votingPlaid doesn’t fit comfortably with meand I just couldn’t bring myself tovote Tory, ever. I’ve grown up inBritain but my mum’s from Africa –

does this mean I should be kickedout? Probably, as should MichaelHoward under his proposals.

As for Respect and UKIP don’tmake me laugh, there’s no way I’mvoting for the pro-life woman. I wasreally optimistic and excited at thestart of the voting campaign. NowI’m just disillusioned and fed up.

By the time you print this I’ll havealready voted but I’ll be fucked if Iknow who for. None of the candidateshave engaged with me but I’m notgoing to give them the satisfaction ofknowing I haven’t voted because Iconsider them to all be useless. Lookslike it’s Captain Beany or theRainbow Dream Bus woman then. Hohum.

Yours,

A disaffected second year.

Summer balls-up

Once again, the summer ball line uphas left much to be desired. We haveonce again managed to book a headyline-up of musical rejects, stars ofyesteryear and yet again TrevorNelson.

Coopers Field will no doubt onceagain be awash with drunken studentsin their finest regalia trying in vain todrown out the dirge of yesterday’shits. I very much doubt anyone hasheard anything bar ‘Amarillo’ byTony Christie and yet again we’ll bereminded of how bad mid 90’s manu-factured boy bands were.

£35 is extortionate for this kind of

line-up which, to be honest, is theworst I’ve seen since enrolling inCardiff University.

It’s time for the union to realisethat they are out of touch with theneeds of the student populus. Whatwe need and what they’re supplyingis far different.

Yours,

A Disgruntled third year.

Judge JulesWhile skimming the latest whinges oflast week’s opinion page, a particulararticle caught my eye. Although light-hearted and not totally as offensive asthe last, it annoyed me enough tomomentarily sweep aside the essaypile and attempt a bit of a backlash.There in black and white, and con-firmed under the beautifully-punned‘Frock ‘n’ Roll’ title, Jules Thorpe-Smith had returned once again to crit-icise people for the way they dress.Hallelujah – I was feeling an identitycrisis coming on.

Although your rant is aimed atthose who dress like ‘rockers’ whenthey’re actually not, your hissy-fitincorporates the ‘Ben Sherman cladherd’ - those who didn’t dress likeyou at school. After cursing them forbeing unoriginal – and then again forbeginning to dress like you – youclaim to be part of a herd that ‘issometimes just as snobby as anyother clique’.

And this is exactly what bugs meabout university. No, scrap that; igno-rance that comes from people likeyou at university. For a place that ide-ally suggests students can dress andact however they wish – without fearof being categorised into a high-school ‘clique’ – there’s still that lin-gering pressure of conformity: to likecertain music, dress a certain way andhave a certain attitude. In short,admire pop music privately and notpublicly, never wear a miniskirt andloads of make-up to a lecture, and be

as arrogant and opinionated as youcan possibly get away with.

Although I can see how you’d finda Motorhead-dressed, cheese-popfanatic fairly offensive, you’reextremely set on judging peopleaccording to how they dress. Not solong ago, your previous article brand-ed the females in our Media andGender seminar group as ‘fembots’.Why? Because the combination ofnot saying an awful lot – whilstdressed attractively – apparentlymade us airheads who swannedthrough university on ‘Daddy’smoney.’You miraculously, withoutany conversation, judged us on thebasis of our appearances for beingthick. (And while we’re on that, I’llkindly take my miniskirt, make-upand 80-grade and shove it up yourarse – providing I can get through thebaggy trousers).

Personally, I think it’s brilliant thatfashion is emerging from its sup-posed ‘groups’. What makes youautomatically assume, when settingeyes on one of your studded, leather-wearing offenders, that they aren’trock music fans? Do you specificallygo up and ask them? More important-ly, does it really matter if they’re not?

Maybe once you’ve investigated,you’ll learn to never judge a book.After all, the initial response of ouroffended seminar group was some-thing along the lines of: ‘That’s theanti-‘Fembot’ guy who judged us inthe Gay Ride? No way – he blatantlyspends a good hour on his hair everymorning.’

Charissa

Leaf Me AloneThere is one thing that pisses me offwhenever I go to the student union-the handing out of leaflets!

Earlier today I was given aboutthirty leaflets before getting to the topof the stairs.

Firstly, I would like to make the

point that hardly anybody pays anyattention to them.

Secondly the leaflets themselvesare not good for the environment,enough rainforests have beendestroyed to make the paper whichare used for these useless leaflets.

Finally, I end up with full pocketsand the union stairs gets covered withpapers which somebody has to takethe trouble of picking up.

I am not writing to offend leafletdistributors - you guys are doing ajob which you get paid for.

But something has to be doneabout this farce. Perhaps a differentscheme of advertising could be con-sidered. Adverts in the newspaper, onthe internet, more posters around theUnion - anything is better thanleaflets.

I don’t totally object to leaflets, buthundreds of people handing them outat one time is ludricous.

Surely there is a solution whichwill save the environment and ourpockets.

Danger Mouse (First Year Student)

Letters May 9 2005Page 32

[email protected]

The gair rhydd letters page

text 07791165837letter of the week

It’s 10pm on Thursday night and I have completed my first Letterspage! Now I can settle in my chair and watch the election resultsunfold in front of my eyes. Huw Edwards’ annoying voice is in thebackground. Out of interest, who did you vote for last week? Textin vote followed by the party you voted for, to the number printedbelow. This would show who the students of Cardiff want in powerif enough people text in. I know you have exams but please writein, your views count as this is your paper. Take it easy. Menon

£1.50 can feed anafrican child for aweek, but why botherwith that when youcan have RINGTONES!RINGTONES! RINGTONES!

Me and m in trevithivkrevising. Hey to miskinplease print this Tara

There is nothing slyabout banana manbeing a minger

What happened to thefunny letters?

Boring,boring poo. Wehave sky news for shitdebate

I hate boys. i wantnormal sex but theyjust want to bum me:ʼ’-(

I go out while sum arestill wetting theirbeards

My mate vince wonʼ’ttake £10,000 to allowsomeone to curl oneout on his chest

Letters Desk is very pleased to be able to give the Letter of theWeek writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at SterCinemas. They will be available from the fourth floor of the Union.

Alight from UNITE

I am a 1st year Cardiff Universityhealth care student currently livingin student halls owned and run by aprivate company, UNITE. I movedhere last September to study. Therental charge for students is current-ly £280 a month, including bills. (Inaddition UNITE also receive a sub-sidy from the University for eachresident). However, I became aware,after a short time here, that there is abetter standard of properties avail-able to rent close by, starting at £200a month (including bills).

UNITE are increasing the rent fortheir accommodation to £320 month-ly next term, which will increase theburden further on students com-

mencing their studies thisSeptember. I feel that UNITE takeunfair advantage of students that arenew to the area, (which wouldinclude overseas students) and whoare therefore unaware of the cheaperalternatives. Furthermore UNITEbind them strictly into at least oneyear’s contract, unless the studentfinds a replacement resident, which Iwas informed cannot be anotherCardiff University student. UNITE, Ifeel, are aware therefore that thechances of achieving this, especiallyat their charges, would be unlikely.So there is little chance of studentsmoving once they have found house-mates, or have discovered the cheap-er alternatives

Surely it should be made as easyas possible for all students, including

those on low incomes, to be allowedan education? This is not just a caseof individuals’ purses being overlyburdened. Bursaries are awarded tosome less well-off students payingthis rent by local authorities so thatthey can work hard to obtain a pro-fession that will contribute to thehealth care service. In these cases Ifeel that UNITE are also takingunfair sums of money from the taxpayers’ purses to line their ownpockets.

I appreciate that they are a com-pany and therefore need to make aprofit, however I also feel that greedis currently rearing its ugly head, andthat they are unfairly contributing tostudent debt.

From Anonymous

We will endeavour to print any-thing that we think is worth-while, but please remember thatwe do have space restrictionsand some standards of decency.Please also note that the viewsexpressed in these letters arenot necessarily the views ofLetters Desk or gair rhydd.

Please email your letters [email protected]

Please note that, like all gairrhydd and Quench sections, theLetters page has a new emailaddress.

If there are any corrections orclarifications we should beaware of, please let us know.

Ed Jones watches the men’s hockey firsts win the Welsh Cup final

Bangor smashedCARDIFF UNIVERSITY men’shockey club was again crownedchampions of Wales in Swansealast Wednesday indramatic cir-c u m -stances.

A f t e rcomfor tablevictories overAber ys twythand Swansea,Cardiff had toovercome thebest that NorthWales had tooffer with af inal againstB a n g o rUniversity.

With sevenf i r s t - t e a mr e g u l a r sm i s s i n g ,including

c a p t a i nT o n yG o u g h ,C a r d i f f

needed tof ight and battle

against a strong Bangor side if theywere to retain their title. The holdersgot off to a slow start, giving the ballaway too often against very physicalopposition. But Cardiff still man-aged to create the better chances,with Will Marshall, Adam Gross andMartin Freshman forcing the opposi-tion goalkeeper to make some acro-batic saves.

Confidence grew and Cardiffbegan to spread the ball across thepark exposing the Bangor defence.Gross found himself in space behindthe defence and played through PaulHayes, who squandered the easiestchance of the match.

A string of short corners forCardiff extended their dominationbut there was still no breakthrough.But Bangor kept fighting against ateam who were technically superiorand pushed forward as the first half

continued. Gareth Owen and Jim Denning at

the back always looked comfortablebut Ian Ferguson in goal was testedin the dying minutes of the half. Buta superb stick save low to his rightkept Bangor at bay.

The second half was much thesame. Bangor stifled

Cardiff in the mid-f ield and

r e s t r i c t e dC o r n i s h

a n d

Moore fromprogressing into thef inal third of thepitch. The Bangor pressure

paid off as they pounced on a Cardiffmistake to take a 1-0 lead.

Cardiff reacted with great spirit.Newly-elected captain DuncanCourtney began to take control inthe centre of midfield. Matt Jenksgave extra width on the left of mid-field and Freshman’s driving runsforced fouls inside and outside ofthe D.

More short corners followed butstill a goal eluded Cardiff.

But the luck soon turned. WillMarshall, winning a turnover in mid-field, supplied Courtney who thread-ed the ball to Paul Hayes in the Dwho turned the ‘keeper and put theball into the net to take his season’sgoal tally to 40.

Cardiff never looked back and

searched for a winner. Joe Cornishfound space down the right and sup-plied crosses into the oppositiongoal area but the strike pair wereunable to take advantage.

The final whistle blew with thescore at 1-1, taking the game intoextra-time.

The 20 minutes of extra time saweven more Cardiff possession. JimDenning was added to the attack,dancing past the midfield with skillsthat surprised even himself. ButCardiff were still unable to score,and the suspense of penalty flicksfollowed.

Goalkeeper Ian Ferguson madethree superb saves, but despiteMarshall, Courtney and Ryan Smithscoring their penalties, Cardiff

couldn’t capitalise. The shoot-outwent into sudden death and Fergusonmade another save low to his right.This left young Martin Freshman tosteal the adulation as he tucked awayhis penalty flick with ease.

This shootout proved that Cardiffwere not only superior in technicalability but were able to hold theirnerve and show character in tightcircumstances.

Joe Cornish, playing his f inalgame in Cardiff colours, expressedhis happiness at the season: "We’vebeaten teams across England anddefeated the best team in Scotland inthe BUSA Shield final. Now wehave retained the Welsh title, prov-ing the strength of hockey at thisuniversity.”

gair rhyddSSppoorrttIssue 786 9 May 2005 | Email: [email protected]

Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

IMG Fund Injection Welsh Cup Glory

Inter Mural Games gains asponsor for next season

Back Page

Women’s rugby andfootball teams triumph

Page 35

CRICKET SEASON BEGINS: Below

CARDIFF’S CRICKETERS have hada turbulent start to this year’sBUSA campaign, with both sideswinning one and losing one game.

With four pre-season games beingcancelled due to rain before the club’sBUSA fixtures, all players were lackingtime in the middle, which proved costly.

On Friday, the first XI faced UWIC,and after struggling on a lively pitch,

succumbed to an inadequate 137 all-out, with the only noticeable contribu-tion coming from last year’s top scorerSimon Cane-Hardy (30). Despite animpressive bowling display from open-ers Duncan Bell and Warren Stafford,UWIC raced away to a four-wicket vic-tory.

At the weekend, the firsts travelled toWest London to face St.Mary’s. On adecent pitch, Cardiff under-performedonce more to reach 157 all out, andafter the home side progressed to 94-2

from 20 overs, defeat looked imminent.But leg-spinner Breese and seamerRehmen Malik took the last sevenwickets for 30 runs, skittling the shell-shocked batsmen for just 137 to cap offan extraordinary day’s cricket and staveoff the threat of a relegation battle.

Meanwhile, the seconds welcomedGloucester to Llanrumney. After keep-ing the visitors to 52-4 at the halfwaystage, some wayward bowling andaggressive batting guided the guests toa healthy total of 166. On a sweltering

day, the track dried out and became eas-ier to manipulate, as debutant ChrisAllen (48) and Steve Paul (51 not-out)dug deep to knock off the total withfour overs to spare.

On Sunday, the side travelled toExeter and were in the field on agloomy May morning, but started well.Exeter were heading for a modest total,but again some loose bowling gifted fartoo many runs as they posted a massive254. Losing the first three wickets for27 didn’t help Cardiff’s cause, and as

the fielders became more aggressivetowards the struggling visitors, the mid-dle order collapsed in a dismal displayof batting. Cardiff lost to their biggesttitle rivals by a massive 166 runs.

An unconvincing start for the clubmeans this weekend’s fixtures againstBrighton and Bournemouth couldshape the season to come, but the lackof match practice and restricted playeravailability could mean a repeat of lastyear where both teams failed to qualifyto the next stage.

Cricket team set season’s boundaries

THE RECENT BUSA rowingchampionship provided theCardiff University rowing clubwith levels of success not seenfor a number of years.

The senior women’s crew,seeded first in the novice cate-gory, reached the semi-finals inboth eights and fours, just miss-ing out on a place in the final.

After an intensive training pro-gramme, the novice women alsoentered the eights category. Thecrew raced in time trials, beatingsix other boats, but narrowlymissed out on a quarter-finalplace. The quality of rowing wasa vast improvement on previousperformances, making theircoach tearfully proud.

The novice men’s crew gotthrough to the heats after heavycompetition in the time trials.This is the first time in threeyears that a novice men’s crewhas got so far.

In the individual event, DougCourt displayed some exception-al sculling, reaching the semi-finals of the championship.

The senior men, returningfrom an excellent performance inScotland, were very successfulin their championship and juniorfours, where both crews reachedthe semi-finals.

The winning times of thechampionship events were ofinternational standard, so pro-gressing to the semi-finals in thefours and narrowly missing outin the eights is a highly com-mendable result and a leap for-ward for the standard of Cardiffrowing. Competition in suchevents is always fierce, againstcrews with larger budgets andbetter facilities.

The weekend was seen as agreat success as such positionshave not been reached for anumber of years. Training, postexaminations, is now gearing upfor Henley, the most famous row-ing event in the calender.

Rowers reap river rewardsBy Jon SykesRowing Correspondent

AU AWARDSTHE FOLLOWING clubs andsportspeople picked up hon-ours at the AU Awards ball,held in the Great Hall onSaturday April 30:

Team of the yearLadies’ footballMen’s hockeyLacrosseLadies’ rugbySnooker

AU President’s award for outstandingachievement

Lisa Gwinnett - NetballEmma Jones - FootballAndrew Le Breuilly - Ultimate FrisbeeTrefor Owen Lewis - CanoeMalory Stanford - SnookerJohn Warburton - Sailing

Sportsman of the yearJon Collis - HockeyCharlie Hinder - Swimming andwaterpoloScott Miners - SnookerAndrew Morgan - LacrosseChris Powell - Fencing

Sportswoman of the yearKate Davey - LacrosseSamanatha Jones - Wadokai KarateTasha Nishiyama - Ultimate FrisbeeLaura Smith - Swimming and

waterpolo

Fresher of the yearSue Chandler - LacrosseKatherine Gubb - RugbySamantha Jones - Wadokai KarateMiriam Ridha - Swimming andwaterpoloCole Stacey - Football

Most improved clubAthletics and cross countryLadies’ basketballMen’s basketballUltimate frisbee

Club of the yearCanoeLadies’ cricketLacrosseSnookerSwimming and waterpolo

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

By James WoodroofCricket Correspondent

“We want to guarantee everyone has a pitch on a Wednesday afternoon.” Nick King, AU Development Co-ordinator, May 2005

SportPage 34 May 9 2005

[email protected]

Edin-buried in finalIN A CLASH between the titans ofWelsh and Scottish hockey, it was anIrishman who won the day for Cardiff,goalkeeper Ian Ferguson producing aman-of-the-match performance toensure that goals from Paul Hayes,John Collis and Rob Sparrow wereenough to see Cardiff lift the BUSAShield.

Both sides had a shaky start to thematch with big-match nerves obviouslygetting to the players, as mistakes weremade.

It was Edinburgh who settled first,their pressure pinning Cardiff back intotheir own half and winning them earlyshort corners. The Scots could not haveasked for a better start as they went 1-0up early in the match, a simple straightstrike confusing the Cardiff short-cornerteam and finding its way through to theback of the net.

Obviously buoyed by such a goodstart, Edinburgh pushed for a secondgoal in an attempt to kill the game earlyon, but Cardiff kept their heads and com-posure, slowly but surely working theirway back into the game. Ferguson wasbeginning to dominate his D, with themidfield retaining possession higher upthe pitch and relieving some of the pres-

sure on the already hard-worked defence.Relying on their fighting spirit,

Cardiff pulled themselves back into thegame with a fast counter-attack. Workingthe ball first left then right, they createdspace for influential midfielder Collis tolaunch a 50-yard aerial pass over the topof the Scottish defence, allowing rapidforward Hayes to race onto the ball andfinish with a first-time volley past theonrushing Edinburgh goalkeeper.

The team from north of the borderwere obviously stunned by the goal,coming, as it did, against the run of play.

It was during this period of play thatCardiff presented perhaps their mostattacking threat. Sparrow went closewith a deflection and versatile MartynFreshman proved a constant thorn in theside of the Edinburgh defence, showingsome silky skills and earning a warningfor the Scottish side as they resorted toprofessionally fouling the attacking mid-fielder.

It was from a short-corner won byFreshman that Cardiff almost took thelead, Collis sending the ball just wide ofthe goal. Having seen the danger pre-sented by the Cardiff short-corner team,Edinburgh made sure not to give anyeasy chances away, but were helpless asHayes turned neatly in the D to put theball onto a defensive foot. Collis steppedup again and sent his drag-flick high intothe roof of the net, putting Cardiff 2-1 up

at the break.Edinburgh came out hard after the

interval, apparently feeling aggrieved atbeing a goal down despite having thelion’s share of possession, and Cardiffhad to survive an early goalmouthscramble in which it took Ferguson tworeaction saves in quick succession and afull-length dive on the line from JoeCornish to finally avert the danger.

Cardiff’s mind-set was epitomised byTony Gough, their skipper literally layinghis body on the line to deny Edinburghclear chances, taking a short corner strikein the chest but feeding off adrenaline to

keep playing. Cardiff were being beatenback further into their own half, trustingin a defence that has been tight all seasonto keep the Scots at bay and relying onthe forwards to take advantage of anycounter-attacks.

It was in such a manner that Cardiffextended their lead, Henry Cole breakingfrom midfield to put an inch perfect ballinto the Edinburgh D for Sparrow todeflect past the hapless goalkeeper. Withthe score at 3-1, Cardiff knew they onlyhad to defend the rest of the half to takethe title.

Edinburgh threw everything they had

at the Welsh side’s defence but wereunable to break through as defendersTom Moore and Gareth Owen werecalled on to make tackles and intercep-tions over and over again, Moore espe-cially showing absolute concentration.

It was in the second half thatFerguson came into his own, organisinghis defence well and making crucialsaves, especially one diving low to hisleft to tip a short corner around the post.The final whistle was greeted by cele-brations all over the pitch and confirmedCardiff’s place amongst the top sides inthe country.

By Ed JonesHockey Correspondent

PHOTO: Nick ParnellON TARGET: Cardiff earn tight victory

Welsh CupMay 9 2005 Page 35

[email protected]

A MERCURIAL DISPLAY fromCardiff’s women’s football teamended on a high as the teamclinched the Welsh Cup with a5-3 victory over Aberystwyth inSwansea.

After dominating the first halfand easing into a 5-0 lead,Cardiff conceded three goals inquick succession after the breakto set up a tense finish. A pow-erful strike from the Aberystwythright-winger, followed by a specu-lative long-range effort that creptunder Cardiff goalkeeper SarahNewbury, caused the reds to losethe shape and discipline thatdefined their first-half perform-ance.

When a third Aber goal, cour-tesy of a Sam Burdus own goal,hit the back of the net with 16minutes to go, Cardiff were urgedfrom the sidelines not to throw itaway.

The comparative unease of theclosing 10 minutes was in sharpcontrast to the dominationshown by the recently-crownedVarsity champions in the first-half.

On a heavy pitch atop awindswept Swansea hillside,Cardiff managed to producesome slick football. Jess Baker, aconstant threat on the right wing,traumatised a shaky Aberystwythdefence with incisive runs andcrosses, linking well with captainEmma Jones and striker AlexJoanides.

However, it was from the oppo-site wing that the first goalcame. Aileen Griffith, who out-paced her marker all day, ghost-ed through the Aber defence tofinish neatly from inside the box.On 15 minutes, Cardiff’s leadwas doubled. Emma Jones,pushing forward from midfield,found herself in space on the leftof the opposition penalty areaand produced a calm left-foot fin-ish past the Aberystwyth goal-keeper.

Cardiff had to wait untilfive minutes before half-time to add to their tally,

but were rewarded with a goalthat their pressure deserved.Griffith cut out a poor defensiveclearance and was aided by thetoe of a defender as she slid theball under the onrushing goal-keeper and into the net.

The best move of the gameended with Cardiff’s fourth goaljust two minutes later. Anothergood interchange between Jonesand Baker on the right edge of thebox freed Joanides, whose power-ful shot was parried into the pathof Buntin for a simple tap-in.

Jones’s unselfish midfield playwas rewarded 10 minutes afterthe interval with a superb indi-vidual goal. The Bristol Roversstar jinked past two defenderson the edge of the box, beforefiring a low right-foot drive intothe corner of the net from 25yards.

Despite Aberystwyth’s laterally, some stout defending, ledby Micki Burdus’s calming influ-ence, allowed Cardiff to hang onfor the victory.

The trophy is a fitting end to anoth-er memorable season for the women’sfootball team.

By Thom AirsSports Editor

Aber’s supertroopers routedby Cardiff in Welsh Cup finalsWomen’s football and rugby teams finish season on a high note with Aberystwyth victories

IT’S BEEN AN incredible week forCardiff ladies’ rugby team, nar-rowly beat Brunel 32-26 in theBUSA Premiership play-offs,ensuring promotion next sea-son, and scooping the Welsh Cupfrom under Aberystwyth’s noses.

The first game sawBrunel travel toLlanrumney to face a formi-dable Cardiff side. Bothteams were aware of howimportant the matchwas. Winning wouldmean moving up to thePremier League forCardiff but Brunel’spassion for victory wasevident from the start.The away side scoredthe first try and made asuccessful conversion,putting them into an earlylead.

Cardiff made a goodbreak with a drive from theforwards taking them right up tothe try line but the team’s failureto spread the ball wide and takeadvantage of an overlap led to theball being turned over.

As the game continued, the backscame into their own, using sophisti-cated moves to make greater inroadsinto the Brunel defence, and somepowerful tackling from scrum-halfMia Brunner ensured Cardiff beganto take control of the game.Eventually the hard work paid off andcentre Rhian Lane used an excellentopportunity to score a try, addinganother score shortly after.

Brunel replied with two tries and aconversion to create a tense half-timeatmosphere.

In the second half, Holly Searle,making her debut at number eight,did a classy job creating chances forher teammates, leading to tries scoredby fly-half Mari Ropstad, scrum-halfMia Brunner, full-back PhillipaTuttiet and captain Marina Newth.

Brunel scored another try but itwasn’t enough and Cardiff emergedvictorious. Coach Nadine Griffithswas thrilled with the news of the

team’s promotion: "I am so proud ofthe girls, they have had a fantasticseason and they thoroughly deserveto be moving up to play at a higherlevel next season."

There was little time to relax, how-ever, as Cardiff faced a tough matchjust days later against Aberystwyth inthe Welsh Cup final.

In what turned into a very physicalgame, prop Laura Gibbs suffered astrike to her nose but continued toplay despite her clear discomfort.

Again, aggressive tackling fromscrum-half Mia Brunner kept the

Aberystwyth attack at bay andimpressive breaks fromnumber eight Holly Searle,

peeling away from thescrum, led to more great

opportunities for the team,resulting in a try from centre ZoePrytherch,

Cardiff ’s failure to ruck suc-cessfully, however, began to letthem down in the second halfand a lack of aggressive drivingmeant Aberystwyth couldmake some ground, eventuallyscoring two successive tries.

Cardiff began to make errorswith their passing leading to severalknock-ons, creating adangerous situa-tion buts c r u m - h a l f

Mia Brunnerbroke free andmanaged to score thewinning try with aflourish, leaving thescore 17-10.

Captain MarinaNewth, playing herlast game for the uni-versity, was elated withher team’s performance.She said: "This was a bril-liant way to end the season.It’s been emotional for us alland we are overjoyed to beleaving on such a high.The team’s perform-ance this season hasbeen absolutely phe-nomenal and we thor-oughly deserve all thesuccess we havegained."

Women’s run continues with 5-3 win against Aberystwyth

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By Sarah BellinghamRugby Correspondent

WONDER WEEK

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ON THE BALL: Women’s AFC win again

WONDER WEEK

Uni secures five successes onCardiff’s ‘Winning Wednesday’

Welsh Cupwizards

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF ! TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ! REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ! PRINTED AT SHARMANS INPETERBOROUGH ! GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ! THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ! THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUTBY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ! THIS PAPER GNAWS AWAY AT MY NON-EXISTENT SOUL ! AIRS ROMANCES GIRL WITH FREE CRAFTY CARPER DVD ! RIDLER’S AWARDS NIGHT RUINED AS GIRLFRIEND HAS TO BE IN BEDBY 8PM ! GARY SHELVES CAMPAIGN AFTER GOING TO HOSPITAL ! DOYLE IN POLE POSITION TO PIT WITH COULTHARD ! WHERE HAVE NEWS GONE? TALMAGE IS THE NEW LINCHPIN ! TRISTAN’S CHIN ELECTED TO GOVERN UK

ggaaiirr rrhhyydddd

SSppoorrttNEXT YEAR’S IMG will benefit from the first sponsor-ship deal in the event’s history, the Athletic Unionannounced last week.

After years of under-funding and neglection in favour ofrepresentative university sport, the AU has taken action toback its claim that it does care about IMG, which sees over900 students competing on a weekly basis.

Deloitte, the financial heavyweights, are set to contributea sizeable amount of sponsorship money, reaffirming thestatus of the football, netball and rugby competitions as thebiggest IMG triumvarite in the UK.

AU Development Co-ordinator Nick King has been inongoing talks with the company and is confident that a dealwill be finalised shortly. He said: “The agreement is therein principle and both sides are happy with it. It’s now just amatter of waiting for the contract to be signed.”

Although the exact details of the deal are yet to be com-pletely decided, it is likely that the name of the league willbe changed to incorporate Deloitte, mirroring other com-mercial sponsorships such as the Barclays Premiership andthe Heineken Cup.

King is confident that the venture will ensure the growthof IMG and guarantee the existing facilities for the foresee-able future.

He added: “This investment will help to cover risingpitch costs. We want to guarantee everyone has a pitch on aWednesday afternoon so that people don’t have to play onweekends or not play at all.

“We hope to ask the students themselves exactly whatthey want.”

Acting AU President Gary Rees added: “So many stu-dents take part in IMG that it’s important to have a sponsor.IMG is Cardiff’s flagship sporting competition and is greatas a way of increasing participation in sport.”

Deloitte are expected to want their logo on all IMG pub-licity material, as well as having a considerable visual pres-

ence at events such as the football final at Llanrumneyand September’s inaugural IMG Fair.

Sponsor cashboost for IMG

FIVE WELSH CUP triumphs in one day havecontinued Cardiff’s fine run of form followingvictory in the previous week’s Varsity Shield.

Three of the sides who won Team of the Year atthe Athletic Union Ball - ladies’ football, ladies’rugby and men’s hockey - secured victories toensure a fine end to the season. Ladies’ rugby alsosecured promotion from their BUSA league,thanks to a 32-26 victory against Brunel.

Ladies’ hockey and netball completed the tro-phy haul but Cardiff missed out on a clean sweepof Welsh Cup victories as men’s basketball suc-cumbed to a narrow defeat.

Elsewhere, men’s hockey won the NationalShield with a hard-fought 3-1 defeat of Edinburgh,with goalkeeper Ian Ferguson out-standing throughout.Full reports, pages 33, 34, 35

By John StantonSports Editor

By John StantonSports Editor

HAPPY ENDING: Ladies’ football win the Welsh Cup

Men’shockeywinNationalShieldp.34

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBCThree19.30 Strictly Dance Fever onBBC320.00 The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron21.00 Who Rules the Roost?This is about kids being tem-pered - as is almost every othershow on TV at the moment.Parents - get a belt and takeaim, follow Bree’s (of DesperateHousewives fame) example.22.00 EastEnders22.30 The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron23.00 Little Britain23.30 Two Pints of Lager and aPacket of Crisps 12.00Wedding Stories 0.55 TheHouse of Tiny Tearaways withTanya Byron 01.55 Who Rulesthe Roost? 02.50 SpendaholicsThis may include me. I got fiftybinners out today and amalready into my second tenner.Where the bloody hell has thatall gone? It’s on sandwiches. Ifit wasn’t for expensive sand-wiches I’d be a wealthy man.Bring on the three bin fifty sand-wich voucher next year!

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10:35 Friday Night withJonathan Ross Did anyonesee ‘Wossy’ make a com-plete tit of himself by try-ing to ‘banter’ with NicoleKidman? Kidman, who hadobviously not been briefed.She did not like the gagsabout her mother. 11:35FILM: Buffy

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