Funny Poets

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Page 1: Funny Poets

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Page 2: Funny Poets

I've got to lose a kilogramI've got to lose a kilogramMe buttonholes are stretchingMe buttonholes are stretchingAnd when I bend down in me shortsAnd when I bend down in me shortsMe rear end ain’t so fetchingMe rear end ain’t so fetchingBut morning tea is on the go,But morning tea is on the go,A creamy lemon spongeA creamy lemon spongeAnd Easter eggs are in the shopsAnd Easter eggs are in the shopsNext week I'll take the plunge.Next week I'll take the plunge.

I've got to lose 2 kilogramsI've got to lose 2 kilogramsMe zipper's lost its zipMe zipper's lost its zipMe jeans feel like steel corsetsMe jeans feel like steel corsetsAnd won't pull past me hips.And won't pull past me hips.But there's a birthday celebrationBut there's a birthday celebrationWith chips, ham and cheese platterWith chips, ham and cheese platterSo I'll just have a tiny smidgeSo I'll just have a tiny smidgeAnd watch me waist get fatter.And watch me waist get fatter.

I HAVE to lose 3 kilogramsI HAVE to lose 3 kilogramsMe swim togs straps feel shorterMe swim togs straps feel shorterThey "cut" and I can't stand up straight They "cut" and I can't stand up straight So I avoid the water.So I avoid the water.With all the Christmas barbecuesWith all the Christmas barbecuesHeld at the beach or poolHeld at the beach or poolI hide behind the snags and grogI hide behind the snags and grogAnd pile on kilojoules.And pile on kilojoules.

Poem by:Poem by:Tess Tess

RowleyRowley

Page 3: Funny Poets

How am I you ask? Well I must sayHow am I you ask? Well I must sayI'll be fine as soon as this pain goes awayI'll be fine as soon as this pain goes awayI'll be fine when I lose a few hundred poundsI'll be fine when I lose a few hundred poundsand my cough isn't really as bad as it soundsand my cough isn't really as bad as it sounds

The sight in my eye will return they sayThe sight in my eye will return they sayas soon as this pain in my head goes awayas soon as this pain in my head goes awayI guess I'll be able to hear againI guess I'll be able to hear againbut the doctor can't really tell me whenbut the doctor can't really tell me when

My teeth are ok all the bad ones fell outMy teeth are ok all the bad ones fell outAnd I could be walking if it weren't for the goutAnd I could be walking if it weren't for the goutbut other than that I really feel finebut other than that I really feel fineif only they'd fix this curve in my spineif only they'd fix this curve in my spine

How am I you ask well I'll tell you real quickHow am I you ask well I'll tell you real quickI was fine till you asked me but now I feel sickI was fine till you asked me but now I feel sick

Poem by:Poem by:Donna Donna

VickodilVickodil

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Today I feel rottenToday I feel rottenLost and forgottenLost and forgottenMoody, misty and blueMoody, misty and blueMy hair is splittingMy hair is splittingNothing is fittingNothing is fittingBoth my thumbs I chewBoth my thumbs I chew

Today I feel crazyToday I feel crazyLike a wind-shaken daisyLike a wind-shaken daisyThe dizziest dame on your wayThe dizziest dame on your wayI am all out of orderI am all out of orderOn the misery borderOn the misery borderAnd my heaven is terribly greyAnd my heaven is terribly grey

Poem by:Poem by:Anita Anita

V.V.

Today I am mouldyToday I am mouldyAnd "Oh" such an oldyAnd "Oh" such an oldyA shrunken, outdated pruneA shrunken, outdated pruneMy joints are all rustyMy joints are all rustyMy corners all dustyMy corners all dustyAnd my voice is all out of tuneAnd my voice is all out of tune

I look at the sheetI look at the sheetThat lays underneathThat lays underneathMy unhappily writing "ball"My unhappily writing "ball"And I ask with a sighAnd I ask with a sigh"Whyever and Why""Whyever and Why"Do I write such nonsence at all.Do I write such nonsence at all.

I am awfully saddenedI am awfully saddenedNot very much gladdenedNot very much gladdenedIt's as if a bad crop I grewIt's as if a bad crop I grewEverything's creepyEverything's creepyI am feeling all weepyI am feeling all weepyWhen I see the thumbs that I chewWhen I see the thumbs that I chew

Page 5: Funny Poets

The other day, I happened by chance,The other day, I happened by chance,As I passed a mirror, to give it a glanceAs I passed a mirror, to give it a glanceAnd I wondered who that old man could be,And I wondered who that old man could be,Who, with his mouth wide open, was looking at me.Who, with his mouth wide open, was looking at me.

His bald head was sprinkled with a little grey fuzz,His bald head was sprinkled with a little grey fuzz,And he wasn't at all handsome (like I always was)And he wasn't at all handsome (like I always was)He looked like a sack of mismated parts,He looked like a sack of mismated parts,Put together without aid of instructions or charts.Put together without aid of instructions or charts.

And while I know that my shoulders don't slump,And while I know that my shoulders don't slump,This person's were misshapen in one ugly hump'This person's were misshapen in one ugly hump'Now, if that was my image, I only can say,Now, if that was my image, I only can say,They don't make mirrors like they did in my day.They don't make mirrors like they did in my day.

Poem by:Poem by:Lucy Lucy

BladesBlades

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Love me when I'm old and shockingLove me when I'm old and shockingPeel off my elastic stockingsPeel off my elastic stockingsSwing me from the chandeliersSwing me from the chandeliersLet's be randy bad old dearsLet's be randy bad old dears

Push around my chromed Bath ChairPush around my chromed Bath ChairLet me tease your white chest hairLet me tease your white chest hairScaring children, swapping denturesScaring children, swapping denturesLet us have some great adventuresLet us have some great adventures

Poem by:Poem by:Bee Bee

RawlinsonRawlinson

Take me to the Dogs and BingoTake me to the Dogs and BingoTeach me how to speak the lingoTeach me how to speak the lingoBone my eels and bring me teaBone my eels and bring me teaShow me how it's meant to beShow me how it's meant to be

Take me to your special placesTake me to your special placesWatching all the puzzled facesWatching all the puzzled facesYou in shorts and socks and sandalsYou in shorts and socks and sandalsMe with warts and huge love-handlesMe with warts and huge love-handles

As the need for love enthralsAs the need for love enthralsWrestle with my dampproof smallsWrestle with my dampproof smallsMake me laugh without constraintMake me laugh without constraintBuy me chocolate body paintBuy me chocolate body paint

Hold me safe throughout the nightHold me safe throughout the nightWhen my hair has turned to whiteWhen my hair has turned to whiteBelieve me when I say it's trueBelieve me when I say it's trueI've waited all my lives for you.I've waited all my lives for you.

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In 'Deaths' today I saw my name,In 'Deaths' today I saw my name,"Can't be" I thought, and looked again,"Can't be" I thought, and looked again,Yet there it was as plain as plain,Yet there it was as plain as plain,In black and white it said the same.In black and white it said the same.

"But no! said I, this cannot be"But no! said I, this cannot beFor here I am for all to see."For here I am for all to see.""It must be someone else not me,"It must be someone else not me,A case of wrong identity".A case of wrong identity".

Poem by:Poem by:

John John PickersgillPickersgill

Rang a number, crossly said,Rang a number, crossly said,"How dare you tell the world I'm dead,"How dare you tell the world I'm dead,That this living life I've fled,That this living life I've fled,You surely must be off your head".You surely must be off your head".

The gleeful voice that answered back,The gleeful voice that answered back,Said, "Yeah, yeah man - they all say that,Said, "Yeah, yeah man - they all say that,Believe it man, you've hung your hat,Believe it man, you've hung your hat,You kicked the bucket two hours back".You kicked the bucket two hours back".

"You've dialed Limbo triple 0,"You've dialed Limbo triple 0,Press 1 for yes or 2 for no,Press 1 for yes or 2 for no,The choice of where you wanna go,The choice of where you wanna go,Is wings above or fire below ".Is wings above or fire below ".

"But be aware, I gotta say"But be aware, I gotta sayIt makes no difference either way,It makes no difference either way,Your future's looking grim and gray,Your future's looking grim and gray,It's roast and toast for you this day".It's roast and toast for you this day".

The roar of flames, the smell of soot?The roar of flames, the smell of soot?The stamping of a cloven foot?The stamping of a cloven foot?Must I drink this bitter cup?Must I drink this bitter cup?"Like Hell! " I said, as I woke up."Like Hell! " I said, as I woke up.