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Medical Problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do

that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since

I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do"

"!ere's a prescription, rs. !arris. #a$e these pills three times a day for seven days and

come bac$ and see me in a wee$."

 %e&t wee$ an upset rs. !arris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't $now

what was in those pills, but the problem is worse I'm doing it (ust as much, but now it smells

terrible What do you have to say for yourself"

")alm down, rs. !arris," said the doctor soothingly. "%ow that we've fi&ed your sinuses,

we'll wor$ on your hearing

Smart Student

#he college professor had (ust finished e&plaining an important research pro(ect to his class.

!e emphasi*ed that this paper was an absolute re+uirement for passing his class, and that

there would be only two acceptable e&cuses for being late.

#hose were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A 'smart' student in the bac$ of the classroom waved his hand and spo$e up. "ut what about

e&treme se&ual e&haustion, professor"

As you would e&pect, the class e&ploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled

down, the professor fro*e the young man with a glaring loo$.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll (ust have to learn to write with your other hand."

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Air force one and the farmer 

Air -orce ne crashed in the middle of rural America. /anic stric$en, the 0ecret 0ervice

mobili*ed and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wrec$age was clear.

#he aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hul$ left smoldering in a tree line that

 bordered a farm. 0ecret 0ervice descended upon the smo$ing hul$ but could find no remainsof the crew or the /resident's staff. #o their ama*ement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not

too far away as if nothing at all happened. #hey hurried over to surround the man's actor.

"0ir," the senior 0ecret 0ervice agent as$ed, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this

terrible accident happen" "1ep. 0ure did." #he man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you

reali*e that is the /resident of the 2nited 0tates' airplane" "1ep." "Were there any

survivors" the agent gasped. "%ope. #hey's all $ilt straight out." #he farmer sighed cutting of 

his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. #oo$ most of the morning." "#he /resident

of the 2nited 0tates is D3AD" #he agent gulped in disbelief. "1ep, he $ept a4saying he

wasn't ... but you $now what a liar he is"

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 54day, 67 lb. weight loss program.

#he ne&t day, there's a $noc$ on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic,

68 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of %i$e running shoes and a sign around her

nec$.

0he introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

#he sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he ta$es off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

#he same girl shows up for the ne&t four days and the same thing happens.

n the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 67 lbs. as promised.

!e calls the company and orders their 54day9:7 pound program.

#he ne&t day there's a $noc$ at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful

woman he has ever seen in his life.

0he is wearing nothing but ;eebo$ running shoes and a sign around her nec$ that reads, "If

you catch me you can have me."

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Well, he's out the door after her li$e a shot.

#his girl is in e&cellent shape and he does his best, but no such luc$.

0o for the ne&t four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and

 better shape.

uch to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost

another :7 lbs. as promised.

!e decides to go for bro$e and calls the company to order the <4day957 pound program.

"Are you sure" as$s the representative on the phone. "#his is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

#he ne&t day there's a $noc$ at the door= and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy

standing there wearing nothing but pin$ running shoes and a sign around his nec$ that

reads,"If I catch you, you are mine"

!e lost >? pounds that wee$.

@#han$s arbie

First Job

"A young family moved into a house, ne&t to a vacant lot.

ne day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

#he young family's 54year4old daughter naturally too$ an interest in all the activity going on

ne&t door and spent much of each day observing the wor$ers.

3ventually the construction crew, all of them "gems4in4the4rough," more or less, adopted her

as a $ind of pro(ect mascot."

#hey chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch brea$s and gave

her little (obs to do here and there to ma$e her feel important.

At the end of the first wee$, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing tendollars.

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#he little girl too$ this home to her mother who suggested that she ta$e her ten dollars "pay"

she'd received to the ban$ the ne&t day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the ban$, the teller was e+ually impressed and as$ed the

little girl how she had come by her very own pay chec$ at such a young age.

#he little girl proudly replied, "I wor$ed last wee$ with a real construction crew building the

new house ne&t door to us."

"h my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be wor$ing on the house again this

wee$, too"

#he little girl replied, "I will, if those asBCes at !ome Depot ever deliver the fuBC'ng sheet

roc$..."

@#han$s Joe

Radio Conversation

#his is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a 20 naval ship

and )anadian authorities off the coast of %ewfoundland in ctober 6885. #he ;adio

conversation was released by the )hief of %aval perations on ct. 67, 6885.

4 /lease change your direction 65 degrees to the %orth to avoid a collision.

4 ;ecommend you divert 12; course 65 degrees to 0outh to avoid a collision.

4 #his is the )aptain of a 20 %avy ship. I say again, divert 12; course.

4 %o. I say again, you divert 12; course.

4 #!I0 I0 #!3 AI;);A-# )A;;I3; 3%#3;/;I03, W3 A;3 A A;E3 WA;0!I/ -#!3 20 %AF1. DIF3;# 12; )2;03 %W

4 #his is a lighthouse. 1our call.

 The Wild Old Man

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An old man shopping at a department store for a gift for his wife was intent on watching a

teenage girl who was going through the sale rac$s. #he teenage girl had a ohaw$ dyed in

various colorsG pin$, purple, green, and yellow. #he old man $ept staring at her.

Irritated by his staring the teenage girl finally bro$e down and sneered, "What's the matter,

old dude I bet you haven't tried anything wild in your whole life, have you"

#he old man did not miss a beat when he replied, "I was drun$ one time and was with a

acaw. I was (ust curious if you were related"

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asalah medis

0eorang wanita tua datang $e $antor do$ter dan menga$u masalah memalu$an. "0aya

mela$u$an itu sepan(ang wa$tu, Do$tor Johnson, tapi mere$a tanpa suara, dan mere$a

memili$i bau tida$ ah$an, se(a$ a$u berada di sini, saya mela$u$annya tida$ $urang dari

dua puluh $ali.. Apa yang dapat saya la$u$an"

"Ini resep, %yonya !arris Ambil pil tiga $ali sehari selama tu(uh hari dan $embali dan

melihat saya dalam seminggu.."

inggu depan sebuah Ibu $esal !arris berbaris $e $antor Dr Johnson. "Do$ter, saya tida$

tahu apa yang ada dalam pil4pil itu, tapi masalahnya lebih buru$ yang saya la$u$an itu hanya

sebagai banya$, #api se$arang baunya mengeri$an Apa yang Anda $ata$an untu$ diri

sendiri"

"#enanglah, %yonya !arris," $ata do$ter menenang$an. "0e$arang $ita sudah tetap sinus

Anda, $ami a$an be$er(a pada pendengaran Anda

/intar ahasiswa

/ara dosen baru sa(a selesai men(elas$an sebuah proye$ penelitian penting untu$ $elasnya.

Dia mene$an$an bahwa ma$alah ini adalah syarat mutla$ untu$ melewati $elasnya, dan

 bahwa hanya a$an ada dua alasan yang dapat diterima $arena terlambat.

Itu adalah penya$it medis bermutu atau $ematian dalam $eluarga de$at siswa.

A 'pintar' mahasiswa di bela$ang $elas melambai$an tangan dan berbicara. "#api bagaimana

dengan $elelahan se$sual e$strim, profesor"0eperti yang Anda harap$an, $elas meleda$ dalam tawa. Heti$a siswa a$hirnya menetap,

 profesor membe$u pemuda dengan tampilan mencolo$.

"1ah," ia men(awab, "0aya rasa Anda hanya harus bela(ar menulis dengan tangan lain."

Ang$atan udara satu dan petani

Air -orce ne (atuh di tengah pedesaan Ameri$a. /ani$ terserang, 0ecret 0ervicedimobilisasi dan turun di pertanian yang berla$u. Heti$a mere$a sampai di sana, reruntuhan

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 (elas. /esawat ini hancur total, dengan hanya meninggal$an !ul$ terba$ar membara dalam

garis pohon yang berbatasan peterna$an. Dinas ;ahasia turun pada !ul$ mero$o$ tapi tida$

 bisa menemu$an sisa4sisa $ru atau staf /residen. 2ntu$ ta$(ub mere$a, seorang petani

sendirian sedang memba(a$ ladang tida$ terlalu (auh seolah4olah tida$ sama se$ali ter(adi.

ere$a bergegas untu$ mengelilingi a$tor pria. "/a$," tanya agen Dinas senior 0ecret,

terengah4engah dan $ehabisan napas. "Apa$ah Anda melihat ini $ecela$aan yang mengeri$anter(adi" "1a. #entu tida$." /ria itu bergumam tida$ peduli. "Apa$ah Anda menyadari bahwa

adalah /residen pesawat Ameri$a 0eri$at" "1a." "Apa$ah ada yang selamat" agen

ter$esiap. "#ida$ ere$a itu. ;o$ semua langsung $eluar." /etani itu mendesah memotong

motor tra$tornya. "0aya selesai mengubur$an mere$a semua sendiri engambil sebagian

 besar pagi.." "/residen Ameri$a 0eri$at adalah A#I" Agen itu menelan ludah ta$ percaya.

"1a, ia terus4mengata$an ia tida$ ... tapi $au tahu apa pembohong dia"

erat ;ugi ;encana

0eorang pria menelepon sebuah perusahaan dan pesanan 54hari mere$a, 67 program

 penurunan berat badan.Heeso$an harinya, ada $etu$an di pintu dan ada berdiri di depannya seorang, bahenol atleti$,

sayang berusia 68 tahun mengena$an apa4apa $ecuali sepasang sepatu lari %i$e dan tanda di

lehernya.

Dia memper$enal$an dirinya sebagai wa$il dari perusahaan penurunan berat badan.

#anda itu berbunyi, "Ji$a Anda dapat menang$ap saya, Anda bisa memili$i a$u."

#anpa pi$ir pan(ang, ia mengambil menge(arnya.

eberapa $ilometer $emudian terengah4engah, ia a$hirnya menyerah.

Eadis yang sama muncul selama empat hari $e depan dan hal yang sama ter(adi.

/ada hari $elima, dia beratnya sendiri dan senang untu$ menemu$an dia telah $ehilangan 67

lbs. seperti yang di(an(i$an.

Dia menyebut perusahaan dan pesanan /rogram pon 54day9:7 mere$a.

Heeso$an harinya ada $etu$an di pintu dan ada berdiri wanita paling mena$(ub$an dan canti$ 

yang pernah ada dalam hidupnya.

Dia mengena$an apa4apa tapi ;eebo$ sepatu lari dan tanda di lehernya yang berbunyi, "Ji$a

Anda menang$ap saya Anda dapat memili$i saya."

1ah, dia $eluar dari pintu bela$angnya seperti temba$an.

Eadis ini berada dalam $ondisi yang sangat bai$ dan dia mela$u$an yang terbai$, tapi tida$

 beruntung.

Jadi untu$ empat hari beri$utnya, rutinitas yang sama ter(adi dengan dia secara bertahap

mendapat$an dalam bentu$ yang lebih bai$ dan lebih bai$.

anya$ $egembiraannya pada hari $elima $eti$a dia memili$i berat dirinya sendiri, iamenemu$an bahwa ia telah $ehilangan lagi :7 lbs. seperti yang di(an(i$an.

Dia memutus$an untu$ pergi untu$ bang$rut dan panggilan perusahaan untu$ memesan

 program pon <4day957.

"Apa$ah Anda ya$in" meminta perwa$ilan di telepon. "Ini program $ami yang paling $etat."

"#entu sa(a," ia men(awab, "0aya belum pernah merasa sebai$ ini dalam beberapa tahun."

Heeso$an harinya ada $etu$an di pintu, dan $eti$a ia membu$anya ia menemu$an seorang

 pria berotot besar berdiri di sana mengena$an apa4apa selain sepatu lari merah muda dan

tanda di lehernya yang berbunyi, "Ji$a saya menang$ap Anda, Anda adalah mili$$u "

Dia $ehilangan >? minggu itu.

@#erima $asih arbie

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/ertama /e$er(aan

"0ebuah $eluarga muda pindah $e sebuah rumah, di samping tanah $osong.

0uatu hari, seorang awa$ $onstru$si muncul untu$ mulai membangun rumah di tanah $osong.

54tahun putri $eluarga muda itu alami menaruh minat pada semua a$tivitas yang ter(adi di

sebelah dan menghabis$an sebagian besar setiap hari mengamati para pe$er(a.A$hirnya $ru $onstru$si, mere$a semua "permata4in4the4$asar," lebih atau $urang,

mengadopsinya sebagai semacam mas$ot proye$. "

ere$a mengobrol dengannya, biar$an dia dudu$ dengan mere$a sementara mere$a harus

istirahat minum $opi dan ma$an siang dan memberi pe$er(aan $ecilnya la$u$an di sini dan di

sana untu$ membuatnya merasa penting.

/ada a$hir minggu pertama, mere$a bah$an disa(i$an dengan sebuah amplop berisi uang

sepuluh dolar.

Eadis $ecil membawa pulang ini untu$ ibunya yang menyaran$an agar dia mengambil

sepuluh dolar nya "membayar" dia diterima $e ban$ pada hari beri$utnya untu$ memulai

sebuah re$ening tabungan.

Heti$a gadis dan ibunya harus ban$, teller itu (uga ter$esan dan bertanya $epada gadis $ecil bagaimana dia datang dengan ga(inya sendiri memeri$sa pada usia muda.

Eadis $ecil dengan bangga men(awab, "0aya be$er(a minggu lalu dengan $ru $onstru$si

nyata membangun rumah baru di sebelah rumah $ami."

"1a ampun murah hati," $ata teller, dan a$an Anda dapat be$er(a di rumah lagi minggu ini

 (uga "

0i gadis $ecil men(awab, "ai$, (i$a mere$a sebagai B C es di !ome Depot /ernah

memberi$an batu lembar ng fu B C '..."

@#erima $asih Joe

;adio )onversation

!al ini seharusnya men(adi trans$rip perca$apan radio yang sebenarnya antara sebuah $apal

ang$atan laut A0 dan otoritas Hanada di lepas pantai %ewfoundland di bulan $tober 6885.

/erca$apan ;adio dirilis oleh Hepala perasi Ang$atan aut pada 67 $tober, 6885.

4 0ila$an Anda mengubah arah 65 dera(at $e 2tara untu$ menghindari tabra$an.

4 Henal$an Anda mengalih$an sa(a A%DA 65 dera(at $e 0elatan untu$ menghindari tabra$an.

4 Ini adalah Hapten $apal Ang$atan aut A0. A$u ber$ata lagi, mengalih$an sa(a A%DA.

4 #ida$, a$u ber$ata lagi, Anda mengalih$an sa(a A%DA.

4 I%I ADAA! 3%#3;/;I03 /3;20A!AA% /30AWA# 2DA;A, HAI ADAA!

$apal perang 30A; DA;I %AF1 A0. Alih$an H2;020 A%DA 03HA;A%E

4 Ini adalah mercusuar. /anggilan Anda.

/a$ #ua iar 

0ebuah belan(a orang tua di sebuah department store untu$ hadiah untu$ istrinya berma$sud

menonton seorang gadis rema(a yang sedang mengalami ra$ pen(ualan. Eadis rema(a

memili$i ohaw$ dicelup dalam berbagai warnaG merah muda, ungu, hi(au, dan $uning.

rang tua itu terus menatapnya.

#erganggu oleh nya menatap gadis rema(a a$hirnya rusa$ dan menyeringai, "Ada apa, ung

tua 0aya ya$in Anda belum mencoba sesuatu yang liar di seluruh hidup Anda, $an"

rang tua tida$ melewat$an memu$ul $eti$a dia men(awab, "a$u mabu$ satu $ali dandengan acaw. A$u hanya ingin tahu (i$a Anda berhubungan"

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