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Charles:Welcome back. We are in week 4 of our DISCIPLE series, looking at the book of Philippians. My name is Charles. I’m one of the pastors here at King’s and I’m really excited about looking at today’s topic. We’re going to be talking about friendship, and as we all know, part of being a disciple of Jesus means to grow in our friendship. I’m here with two lovely people. I’m here with Hilary Dalziel, she’s one of the pastors at King’s, and also Janett Daly. She works with the Jericho Road Project, which is the social action arm of the church here. This is going to be a great time together. I’m really excited about diving straight in. Hilary, over to you first. What does Philippians have to say about friendship?

Hilary:One of the wonderful things about Philippians is you see behind the scenes in Paul’s life, and you see how friendship is so important to him, both personally but also in his mission to reach people for Jesus. He talks about Timothy and Epaphroditus particularly as close friends, and how they look to his interests. They are sacrificing themselves to be a good friend to Paul, and he is a good friend to them.

What’s interesting is that he talks about friendships being almost like family, so Timothy is his son and Epaphroditus is his brother. There’s such a close bond. They’re aren’t just colleagues, it’s more than that, and there’s an element of real affection and mutual dependence, and Paul talks about being upset because Epaphroditus was ill. There’s just this back and forth of friendship between these guys which is great, and it’s right at the heart of how Paul delivers the gospel message, and it should be right at the heart of the church.

Charles:It comes across really strongly throughout the letter, doesn’t it. Janett, I want to bring you in on this conversation now. We’re talking about friendship. Have you got any stories, good or bad, that you could share on this issue of friendship that you’ve experienced?

Janett:Yes, I have. I have quite a few acquaintances but I only have a small group of friends, and one of the friends I’d like to talk about is a school friend. We were really, really good friends; in fact, she was my best friend. We did absolutely everything together. We often had many sleepovers, we went on holidays together, our families were really close as well, and I just loved her. She was everything to me. In fact, she was more like a sister to me than she was like a friend. Anyway, as the years went by, we muddled on in our friendship and she did something that I was upset about. For some reason I felt unable to have a conversation with her, so I spoke about it to another friend and said a couple of things that I really shouldn’t have said about her. It got back to her and when she heard she immediately cut off the friendship. She cut off all contact with me.

I tried desperately to try to resolve the issue and to repair the friendship but she just wasn’t interested. It turned out that we were estranged for about ten years, which was really painful for me because I felt like I’d lost a big part of my life, because she knew everything about me and I entrusted her with everything. During that ten year period I was dipping in and out of church, and after a sermon one day I was reflecting on our relationship and our friendship, and decided that I really needed to do something about it because it was far too important to let it go.

So I contacted her. She took the telephone call and agreed to meet with me. The meeting was difficult. During the meeting we spoke about what I’d said, how it hurt her. I literally begged her for forgiveness. I told her about how what I did had hurt me personally, how I was absolutely devastated not to have her in my life, and asked her if we could restore the friendship. She was generous enough to say yes, and that’s one of the best things she’s ever done for me because we’ve been friends ever since. We’ve now been friends for over 40 years and she’s a really, really good friend.

GROUP DISCUSSION BETWEEN CHARLES KIMBANGI, HILARY DALZIEL AND JANETT DALY

FRIENDSHIP GROUP DISCUSSION BETWEEN CHARLES KIMBANGI, HILARY DALZIEL AND JANETT DALY

Charles:Thank you so much for your honesty. It’s a great story of reconciliation between two people. As you were talking I was reminded of what Paul says in chapter 4, where clearly two people have had a disagreement and he pleads with those two people to come back together, to reconcile and to continue to grow in their friendship. As you were speaking I was reminded of that story in Philippians. I know that you’ve been at King’s now for eight years and you’ve been a great part of the church here, but I wondered, can you remember what it was like when you first came to King’s, and could you tell us what it was like for you, stepping in the doors for the very first time?

Janett:Absolutely. I might have told this story before so I’m not quite sure if you’d heard this bit, but I had a car accident. It was quite a serious car accident. They had to cut me out of the car and when I went to the hospital I was perfectly ok. I was watching a tv programme on the day I was discharged from hospital about a woman who left for work that day, had a car accident, died and had come back because she had unresolved business to do with her children. I was telling a friend of mine about this and she said, you really ought to go to church – you really ought to go to church. So I made my way to King’s on a Sunday, thinking that it was a church I’d been to before.

As I stepped through the doors I realised that it wasn’t, because the previous church had been an all-black church and this was quite a diverse church. I had walked too far in to turn around and walk out, so I had to sit down and stay. Something touched me that day so I stayed at the church. What brought me to the church, apart from to give thanks for my life, was the fact that my life at that point was probably at the lowest ebb that I’ve ever known it. It was on the back of a breakdown of a relationship, I was really quite lonely because I’d lost a lot of the joint friends that we had developed in that relationship, so I was lonely, I was low, I was broken, I was feeling sorry for myself, and that’s what brought me into King’s.

I had learnt that to have friends you have to be intentional, and also I wanted to grow spiritually, so I started the Alpha group. From that I built some friendships, and that was quite good, because it meant that I had people I could come to and talk to on a Thursday evening about some of the issues and difficulties that I was experiencing in my life. I went on and did various other groups, and I can honestly say that doing Alpha, Freedom in Christ, Alpha Plus, I have developed a core group of friends now that sustain me, that are with me through difficult times, that I can speak to about anything. When times are good we can share those times, when times are bad I can lean on them.

Charles:Thank you so much for sharing. I’m sure that are lots of people who can resonate with what you’ve just shared. Hilary, coming to you now. Have you got a similar or different experience to what Janett has just shared?

Hilary:I would agree with Janett that being being part of a group just gives you a circle of people who are potential friends. You might not become best friends with all of the people in the group but it just gives you that circle that out of that good friendships can come. But what I’ve found, my husband, William and I since we’ve lived in London, that it’s actually quite hard to develop deep friendships, and you have to really make that a priority and find time and go through your diary and book some times, and choose some people that you’re going to intentionally build friendships with.

Part of that is starting in a group, part of that is meeting them one to one, having them round for meals, that kind of thing, but it’s also sharing real life and doing stuff together. So there’s a couple we’ve become good friends with that last year we spent a weekend putting together Ikea flat-packs – sharing that frustration and laughter. That deepened our friendship in a way that perhaps wouldn’t have

FRIENDSHIP

happened if we hadn’t done that activity together. It’s finding time for those moments.

Charles:I know that many people, particularly living in London or living in a city like ours, can find it really difficult because of the challenges of time and business, and so on. Is that something you’ve struggled with as well, Janett?

Janett:Absolutely. I completely agree with everything Hilary has said in that in the busyness of day to day life, when you’re working, whether that’s part-time or full-time, when you’ve got a family, when you’ve got challenges that are happening within your life, it’s really hard to find the time to prioritise anything outside of that, such as friendships. But, as Hilary said, it really does have to be intentional and it’s so much easier when you make that part of your everyday life. That’s why, for me, the groups have been really, really critical in that because I go to a group every Thursday it’s part of what I do, it’s part of my day to day life.

I’ve managed to develop friendships with a fantastic group of women where we can talk about anything, we can share our vulnerabilities, and in sharing our vulnerabilities it just draws us closer together as friends, and we can trust one another. I think that that’s really been important for me.

Charles:Hilary, you’re a pastor at King’s, you’ve been living in London and been a pastor here for a number of years, and you’ve worked through this issue at length with people. Is there any advice that you can give us and people watching this? What should be our next steps as we try and grow friendships?

Hilary:Firstly, it is to connect with people, whether that’s in a group or a serving team, and actually spend time with people. But I think it’s also being vulnerable with people. It’s amazing that Paul, who was such a strong charismatic pioneer leader, in this book he shows his vulnerability. He shows his sorrow and his weakness, and the need for friends. Even Jesus did that with his disciples. He showed his tiredness and his sorrow, sometimes, with his close disciples. He asked them to pray for him. It’s that moment of vulnerability that often deepens friendships. Maybe that’s the next step for some people.

Charles:Thanks for that, Hilary. As I said at the start, being a follower of Jesus means growing in our friendships. It’s not an optional extra. We can’t live the Christian life alone. We need to be intentional about building community, about loving one another, about building these deep friendships as we’ve talked about. Can I encourage you in a moment just to think about your next step.

It could be that you need to think of one person or a couple of people that you need to build intentional friendships with. It could be that you need to commit to regularly coming to a group. It could be that you need to commit to meeting someone outside your group on a one to one level. It could be just regularly coming along to church to increase the opportunity to make friendships with other Christians. It could be also that you may need to say sorry to someone.

As you’ve heard particularly Janett’s story you may be thinking there’s someone you need to be reconciled with. That could be your next step. In a moment you’re going to go into your discussions, and I’d love for you to discuss what we’ve talked about, and also what your next step is. I’m going to pray and then you can go into your discussions.

Heavenly Father, we thank you for this book of Philippians. We thank

GROUP DISCUSSION BETWEEN CHARLES KIMBANGI, HILARY DALZIEL AND JANETT DALY

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you for Paul and what he teaches us about friendships. We pray by the power of the Holy Spirit you’d help us to develop deep and meaningful friendships with one another. We pray that we’d love one another. We pray that we’d forgive one another and be reconciled to one another. We pray that would be to your glory and to our good. In the wonderful name of Jesus. Amen.

GROUP DISCUSSION BETWEEN CHARLES KIMBANGI, HILARY DALZIEL AND JANETT DALY