Chapter 5: Ain't No Jive!

We begin non-jiving chapter 5 with a mysterious night-time taxi. How vaguely mysterious! Mysteriously mysterious!

But when the curtain of insane mystery is pulled away it's revealed that Fluticasone is sneaking away to her own place. So much for something ooky and kooky going on. . .

Even though Losartan may not have exactly brought out the cheering pom-poms for little sister Oxycodone when she arrived, he's making up for it in spades by letting her gnaw his chin for sustenance. Does it taste like pickles? Bacon grease? Nothing's too good for baby, right?

What a helpful big brother he's being!

We come upon fairest Tootie cleaning up the bird cage.Whatcha doing Tootie, cleaning up the Rexie mess again?

“Along with the former-Rexie, so yes,” Tootie sniffled to the narrator.

Whoopsie. Continue on then.

Loki dear, why were you talking to the nanny instead of being at work? I know you didn't just ignore three commands in a row to go get in the work car; you have no vacation days!“It's bass n' omlette day- see ya!” he replied.Why you insolent little shh. . sim. . founder . . husband. Well crap, I can't do a thing about it. lol

In the midst of the fabled “bass n' omlette” luncheon(which is apparently worth the risk of getting fired for), Losartan brought up his fabulous marketing idea for it.“Hey dad, you know what they should make? A Bass n' Egg flavored soda!”Loki stopped chewing with his fork in his mouth and stared at his offspring.“No really, think about it!” Losartan continued, “You coulda chugged it in the work car today instead of taking off for it!”

Tootie, apparently not as avid of a fan of bass and omlettes, was found upstairs in a childrens' room, presumably reading, but what she could do with the book upside down I don't really know!And why didn't YOU go to work today, Tootie precious?“I had 25 vacation days, and I wanted to finish the last volume in this real page-turner, which has me convinced that all flowers are equipped with spy-cams. Thank goodness we never planted any here!” she exclaimed with distracted relish.

Losartan willingly took baby Oxycodone out of her crib(on his own), which I was kind of impressed with him for, until I realized that he'd passed up the changing table and he was headed to feed her a bottle.'She needs changing, not feeding, you idjit!' I grumble , pulling fistfuls of my own hair.Losartan looked down at the baby and sniffed the air. “Oh!” he said simply.

Loki called to catch up with his daughter Omeprazole.“Of course there's still time for you to get in the heir poll,” he said with a delighted cackle that made him seem less than reassuring, “Just because 'Hotness Shotz' hasn't been by to do your close-up doesn't mean they won't!”

“That's right, you'll all be right there together,” he nodded at the phone, “What reason do you have to think it's going to be any different than what I'm telling you?

Hydrocodone decided on her own to serve up some delicious mouse-turd pasta for dinner.Just don't catch that freaky little kimono of yours on fire, m'kay? It's all I ask. Please.

Why does Hydrocodone want help with her homework? It's usually a want that kids roll.Oh well, what the lady wants, she gets.

Little Oxycodone blissfully dozes, unaware that when she grows up, she may well be party to some really crazy shinola. :-)

The Headmaster of the local private school, Andrew Gonzaga, dropped in long enough to have some blackened catfish and get a tour. He then dashed away again, but not before dropping a final score of 104/90! Hydrocodone has been accepted into private school with 3:47 left on the clock, and no coffee bonus points! SHAZAM!

“The headmaster already left, dear. He didn't have any coffee,” Tootie explained to her daughter as she walked through the shot.Hydrocodone stopped with the coffee mug to her lips.“Then WHY am I drinking this stuff?!” she exclaimed, “ OMG, gross-a-roony!”“I dunno, because it tastes like my sweat socks?” Tootie guessed.

Hydrocodone wants to be a Business Tycoon(because she totally looks the part). Let's see if she gets it the first time she checks the job listings.

* As it turns out, she's not that lucky. *

Oxycodone's bravely moving on to toddlerhood!It's not too late kid, you could always turn back! But then again, that might get a little awkward.

So where's the rest of the family? Don't they know there's a shin-dig that's about to happen??

THERE'S the rest of the crew! That's right, whoop it up just like you were all right on tiiiime. :-)

BUT, right when she was about to grow up, she took a big, sloppy baby dump right in her clean baby diaper. She feels better now! But as we know that hindered her entrance into her toddler phase.Let's try that again, shall we?“Mo-oomm, I'm freaking tired! When is this party going to be over?” Hydrocodone whined from the kitchen.

Well she's not a bad looker, but she's not great either.“I. . .CAN'T . . .STAND another curse!!” Hydrocodone cried out in a fit of teenage dramatics.

“Can we just get on with this?!' Losartan griped, “ I have Triscuits and bean dip to eat!”“She can get better, yes she can!” Tootie cooed at the toddler, nuzzling Oxycodone's innocent forehead with her ginormously freakish chin.

Oxycodone's party seemed to be . .a little on the dull side. Nothin' like birthday cake at 4:54 a.m.! Woo-hoo. Yeah.

“Who made chocolate bears in her diaper??” Tootie cooed.“EEEEEEeeee!!” Oxycodone screeched ear-splittingly.

“That's right, you did!” Tootie replied in the same cooing falsetto.

Hydrocodone took another stab at getting into the Business career the next day, after school.Surprisingly, she found it! The next thing to tackle now will be that stack of homework that is slowly, shamefully backing up on the basement lab's floor. :-)

Oh wow, she's going to work as a mailroom technician in THAT?! She almost matches the car!Fine then, go. Screw it, you're late, just go.

Once again Losartan is left to take care of his little sister.So he got his teenage butt up and DID IT.

Loki got promoted to College Senior Professor! Walking across the drawbridge, he began to strut and sing to himself:

“. . . .too sexy for my hat, my big invisible hat. . .”

Hydrocodone talks to a girl she brought home from school that day(and who consequently left), Amber Dawn. Does anyone but me remember that name as a Xanth series reference? O.O“Yeah it's gonna be so cool, we'll string up all of the old baby teeth we've got and use it as one loonngg decorative strand, all over the castle!”

An unsupervised Oxycodone plays 'Fishing for Poop Monsters' in the half-bath by the kitchen.A handy tip for new moms: The blue water is fabulous for baby's skin and digestive tract. j/k

As to the reason for the unsupervised baby? Losartan's in the other room, growing into an adult !Boy doesn't that just make up for any trip to the ER they might have later?

“I wish for. . . a Komodo Dragon with antlers like a deer, that spits lollipops!”“Now don't go telling us your wish or it won't come true dear,” Tootie corrected him.

With his transition to adulthood, Losartan was also promoted to Prep Cook!

Name: LOSARTAN FRESHNFRUITYStatus: SIXTH-BORNSpecial Honorary Titles: SECOND SON OF THE REBIRTH GENERATIONRolled: PLEASURE SIMAspiration Lvl Earned(as a teen): CALLOW CONTENTMENT-CRAVERTurn-Ons: MAKEUP & ATHLETICTurn-Off: BLONDE HAIRVerdict: HELLO LADIES!

Hellooo ladies is right! That's one sexy hunk of Freshnfruity man, is what that is!

“I'm proud aren't you?” Loki asked his wife in the background.“Yep, I think we did well. Aren't you proud of your brother, Hydrocodone dear?”

“My brother is hotter than me!” she pouted as she looked on.

The next day Hydrocodone's worries were forgotten. . .“That's right Mr. Foo Dog, I got $100 for my B+ grades!” She bragged as she jovially walked through the front door, “That's right it's gonna be “Twerkin' Time” in like 2 seconds!”

Nope, we're not going to be watching that. Quick! Skip ahead!

Whew! Close one! No one should be subjected to that kind of blistering eye-torture.Losartan's had a razzle-dazzle day himself! He made Italian Wedding Soup for a wedding party at the restaurant and made $2,000 in booking profits, AND gained a cooking point, AND got promoted to Sous Chef!

Losartan is joined for a brain-nourishing bowl of cat-brain stew by River Smith, who came home with Hydrocodone, and the nanny, who shouldn't be taking a break at all. But he was too lost in his own thoughts to enjoy the day-glo -colored marshmallow bits, or the stimulating conversation.“Say this is some fancy slop!” River commented appreciatively, “Did you know that the queen of Screaming Cow Bay eats this stuff every day when she's sailing on her yacht, 'The Big-Honking Raspberry'?

What's all this ruckus up here?! Don't you know some people - Oh, it's a GOOD ruckus. Carry on with your ruckus-ing.

Hydrocodone needed some fun; she and Tina Roennigke, who she brought from work, and River Smith agreed to spend some time with the ol' SSSX 3. Hydrocodone really wanted to show off the latest and greatest game, “Super Health Pyramid 9”; but River went into a twitchy, jerky trance and started chanting “vegetable medley” over and over. Vegetable-related trauma is no laughing matter, kids.“Quit farting around and come join us, River!” Hydrocodone called over her shoulder.“TOMATO! ZUCCHINI! ZUCCHINI! Oh nuts, it's a candy bar!” Tina shouted, oblivious to any trouble at all.

Losartan is making today his day to be shipped off to legacy limbo.Will we ever see that sexy chin of his again?

His fans, the Lo-smarties, must wait and hope.

Tootifer, however is too busy inside to pay much attention.Since she does have 25 vacation days (and missed the carpool anyway), she's going to be getting caught up with old friends.She and Bella Goth have the most fascinating conversations.“Diet cream soda, water with lemon or Super-Fizz Eye of Newt? That is a hard decision, Bella!

Guess that hearty bowl of “Kibbles n' Beets”didn't stay down so well, huh Tootie?

Upon her return from discovering Ralph's buick, Tootie called Bella back.“EEEww no! Not #928A!! The 'balogna mist' wedges are sooo last Tuesday!

'kicky-kicky quiche' is way more complimentary for your cheekbones!”

With Hydrocodone's big day where she pitched an investment in Wrightway Toys, earning both a charisma point and a promotion(to Executive Assistant!!), and Tootie's big day dispensing advice over the phone, these two career girls finally collapsed, dead tired, into their grilled cheeses.

“See ya next time Mr. F,” the nanny waved to Loki as she left at the end of her shift.“You may now refer to me as Dean Freshnfruity!” Loki responded jovially.

Holy snow-cakes, Loki's been promoted to College Dean of Students!!

And to top off his merry little night, one toddler goes to the bathroom while two wants get fulfilled. Pretty sweet deal eh? Oxycodone's been potty-trained!

Somebody must've watered her belly in the night, because once her energy was safely out of the orange, Tootie-kins's belly decided to grow. Bwaaahahahahahaaa, the family's getting biiiggerr!

Mean while, downstairs Loki is absorbed in teaching Oxycodone to talk, taking advantage of handy-dandy smart milk. She has one day left before she grows up and she's too tired to learn to walk!“Say 'feeding device',” Loki urged her.“Bite me,” she said in a tiny, but unmistakable voice, shaking her head.Loki pulled back, unsure what to make of this development.

While Tootie was up, she decided to sneak downstairs and feed the thing growing inside her.Grilled cheese at midnight? Who says she can't?!

She blinks over it to season the sandwich with flakes of mascara.

Oxycodone's the talking champion!“Now that you've learned to talk, can I go watch the plastic-baggie infomercial marathon?” Loki asked his newly verbal daughter.“No!” She said sternly.“But it's brought to me by the makers of Suds-O!” he sputtered.

In the next room, Tootie also smustles while she's up, to get her fun out of the red.“Hey-hey! Let's go! Let's GET that fun let's GET that fun, hey-hey! Let's go!” she and Hydrocodone cheered in time with the dance.

You go, awkward white girls!

This time when Tootie's just about drifted off to sleepy-land again, it's Oxycodone who has decided that she needs attention. She's done sleeping and now needs to pee. Fabulous. Lol.

“Since our family is 'legacy gold' as you said the other day, do you think we'd be able to sell off the new baby for a hefty sum?” Hydrocodone theorized one morning over breakfast.Tootie and Loki both stopped eating to stare at their daughter.

After a moment Loki spoke.“Well we really don't know until your new little sibling comes out, but the value of babies tends to go up over time,' he explained, “and uglacy treasure-troves, like your brother Losartan for example, make the wiggly arrows go way, WAY up! And that's good!”

“Now if he made it all the way to being an Astronaut one day, just think how valuable he'd be!” Loki continued. “But Losartan was in the culinary career,” Hydrocodone protested, perplexed.“It makes no difference dear,” Tootie chimed in, “he can still go off and be an Astronaut later; after all he's a Freshnfruity, and he's just that awesome.”

“Think I could ever be an Astronaut, dad?” Hydrocodone asked.

“Maybe you'll be better off being a nice robot honey,” Tootie replied sweetly.“I'm already in Business; that's pretty close,” Hydrocodone grumbled as she returned to her breakfast. Loki sighed.

To get their fun back up, Tootie and Hydrocodone run through a little “Evil Robot Apocalypse 22” after breakfast.“”DIE you evil, filthy, puppy-smacking motor-oil drinker!!” Hydrocodone swore vehemently. “Where is the tea-drinking button again?” Tootie asked timidly.

Meanwhile over in the kitchen, Oxycodone is still tired but is learning to walk on smart milk, which should help. It's gonna be another close race to the finish as she grows up today too!

'Woo-hoo! We made it didn't we girl!” Loki cheered as Oxycodone crossed the finish-line, “nap-time for you, yes!

“Alright!” Hydrocodone cheered, “You're beach-ball-sized again! Think I'll ever get to be beach-ball size, mom? ” she asked.“Erm . .” Tootie stammered, unsure how to take that, or even how to answer.On that happy note, Oxycodone's growing into a child today!“Do you want to have your birth-day?” Loki cooed, holding his youngest daughter.Oxycodone merely wiped a snotty finger on his pajamas in response.

Name: OXYCODONE FRESHNFRUITYStatus: EIGHTH BORN Special Honorary Titles:FIRST FRESHNFRUITY CHILD TO BE ALLOWED TO WIPE SNOT ON HER FATHERAspiration Lvl Earned(as a toddler):MIRACLE MITEVerdict: HEY NOT BAD

Loki decided all on his own that Lobster was the thing to eat for Oxycodone's birthday party.

Whilst daddy-doo cooks the lobster, let's give Oxycodone her makeover. There now. SO much classier!

Here I thought Loki was being nice! He made one plate. Uno. As in for himself.“Ooh! My plate! My plate! Hydrocodone chirped, hopping around in her seat excitedly.“Okay, fine, sure,” Loki groaned, setting the lobster down.“Oh cheeky chipmunk chunks, shouldn't we, you know, let the birthday girl eat the lobster?” Tootie asked.“Yes, yes, wonderful. Everybody move down and I'll get the turkey,” Loki grumped. “MOVE DOWN!!” Everybody said together, as if this were some kooky tea party.

“I'm kind of glad we're having turkey,” Loki commented, “This particular turkey was a little cooking experiment of mine.” He continued. Uh oh.Hydrocodone settled back in and they all began to take the first few bites.“I had this intriguing idea to marinate it in a training potty,” he revealed jovially.“Did you at least use a clean one, dear?” Tootie asked.

“DaDDEE, that's silly!” Oxycodone laughed.“I think. . . I'm going to save mine for later,” Hydrocodone said quietly.“Not hungry, toodle-dump-kins?” Tootie asked.

“Mmm! It tastes like magic on my brain!!” Oxycodone gushed over her lobster as the dinner continued.“Mine tastes like sadness. . and walnuts,” Loki pouted jealously.

“How do you know what magic tastes like?” Hydrocodone asked.Everybody at the table perked up, suddenly interested.

Oxycodone grew quiet in thought, but the conversation moved on without her.

“Maybe it's more like a sprinkle of psychic energy,” Hydrocodone suggested.“Does psychic energy taste like lobster?” Oxycodone cocked her head doubtfully.”

“Or just maybe- it's both!” Loki exclaimed, “ Brain-fizzing magic with a dash of that psychic vibe!”“HEY YEAH!” Both girls cheered together as they all three caught the same light bulb-flash.“Okay, yep! Bed time for mama!” Tootie cut in as she got up, with somewhat forced cheer.

Apparently she was not ready for an all-night debate on the taste of lobster.

This baby'd better grow up to be a watch-maker; its timing is immaculate!No sooner does Tootie prepare to bed down than she has her second pop!

Knowing Loki only needs one more friend to get promoted, Tootie tackles friendship with Headmaster Andrew Gonzaga. “Ha-ha, of course we kiss! That's how I keep getting pregnant!”

After such an exhausting conversation, Tootie indulges in one of her secret pleasures; an anchovy & artichoke omlette with chunky peanut butter. Way to scarf down that omlette, girl!

The Headmaster paid an informal visit, and was instantly captivated, at Tootie on the piano.“ Those fingers!! Those flowing chocolaty-brown curls!! This is better than Jiggle-Fest Beach-Bunnies 19!” he gasped rapturously.

“Oh yay! It was you after all, Miss Tootifer! Pardon me for my impropriety; the music puts me in such a state!” Andrew apologized once Tootie had risen from the bench. “It's alright,” Tootie responded, smiling proudly, “ I am a bad-a** aren't I?”

Meanwhile, Hydrocodone is working her girlish charms on River Smith. It's becoming a big race who'll make that final friend for Loki, his wife or his daughter!“You like my shoes??” How nice of you!” she gushed, “ they're the #964Bs. Yes way! Chimichanga Green!”

Holy ka-ka en la bacca! Loki has been promoted to Education Minister!!As such he has achieved permanent platinum, as this was his lifetime want!

I guess he DID get that last friend. (looks) Thank you River Smith!And don't look so grumpy! It's not like anyone forced you through this career track! *whistles

Later that evening Hydrocodone apparently found Johnny Smith on the sidewalk, but also just as apparently, Johnny can't throw worth a darn.

“I got it! I got it!” Hydrocodone yelled as the ball sailed over her head, “I don't got it!”

Have a hot bath or have a baby; what a hard decision! So Tootie for-went the bath in favor of going into labor. On the bathroom floor. AGAIN. “Where ya at hon?” Loki called from the hallway.“I'm in the bath-rooooomm!!” Tootie loudly moaned in reply.“Okay no problem, just spray when you're done!” Loki called back.

Hey! Loki's finally getting the hang of this “new dad” thing!He fed his new son, baby #9, all by himself!

“Llamasaur juice is GOOD for little Naproxen Sodium, and it's super-cheap, yeesss!” he cooed as the baby tried to grab at the bottle.

He also changed the little boy's diaper.“Powder, powder, powder; just say when, okay kiddo?” Loki told the baby.

“I have such a wonderful husband,” Tootie sighed dreamily as she climbed back into the work car the next morning.

A short while later, Hydrocodone is off to work as well.Too bad she can't stop to meet Rip Grunt.

Tootie must have some kind of force behind her after all! She's been promoted to College Dean of Students!

Oxycodone brought home good ol' Nery Miguel after school, and they got on SSSX3 for social and fun.“I'm gonna hurl! I'm gonna blow chunks!” Nery screamed as they took on a particularly steep downhill skiing segment in their game.

It's already Naproxen Sodium's birthday tonight! While some of the family waits for the rest to come down, Loki gets in a little baby-time.“Whoooo's growing UP tonight?? Whoooo's growing UP tonight??” He cooed, getting the baby all riled up.

Seems like little Naproxen has a mixed support team.“That's my son! Woooooo!! Gooo UGLY!!” Loki cheered obnoxiously from the background.“Sigh, another sibling, and another birthday,” Hydrocodone bemoaned.

OH – MY – LORD. He's beautiful! Naproxen Sodium is now a toddler!

With this kind of hum-dinger, you'd never know this family ever had a cuteness curse on them!

“Now that you're a big boy, say 'high chair',” Tootie demanded excitedly.Naproxen was smart enough to shake his head at least.

Jumping the gun are ya Tootie? Your kids are awesome, but at least give 'em time to learn things!

The bad news is, no one has apparently been paying attention to the bills. This time it's okay though.Loki got a wildcard in which he chose a Bixby Rabbit game to improve the spelling of all the little

simlings in school. For making spelling bees so easy that it was pointless to hold them anymore, Loki was awarded with $4,500 from the government!

Oxycodone brought Pong King home from school that day.She interrupted their pinball session with a query.

“If you found a genie lamp, what would you wish for?”

“That's silly! Another genie lamp, of course! Pssh, GIRLS!” Pong laughed.“But what if you couldn't wish-for-another-lamp?” Oxycodone asked mockingly.

“Then it's a big, blinged-out wizard's hat! Every time!” Pong said confidently.What is up with you and the bling lately??” Oxycodone asked, mystified.

“What if you needed the wish when a big scary ghost jumped out to scare you?” Oxycodone asked again.“Uh, well I'd twerk it to death,” Pong replied quietly, suddenly less sure of himself.

Oxycodone thinks of everything!

The saga continues; Tootifer marches valiantly on in her quest to teach Naproxen Sodium to talk.They're so freakin' close too!“You DID just say Tootles McDoodles!”Tootie gasped, “Does that count? I'll take it! Clever baby!” Tootie giggled delightedly and clapped her hands.

Toddlers have wants too, and little Naproxen Sodium just wants his daddy to read to him.But it doesn't seem like Loki has picked a very appropriate book for his son.“And then,” Loki paused dramatically, “the bloody, disembodied hand of Abner Fecklewinks grabbed on to the screaming teenagers' car door with its sharp, dirty fingernails. It wanted the xylophone back, because they took it from his grave!!” Loki said in a dark voice.“No!” Naproxen said defiantly. I wonder if it was such a hot idea to teach him simlish before. . . O.O

Coincidentally, little Naproxen Sodium soon needed to go pee.And he finally rounded that last potty-training lap!“Ahh yep! That's another one down!” Loki said, stretching.

On the way out to the work carpool, Hydrocodone spots Fluticasone, one of her sisters.Too bad she can't stop and say hello. . .

At long last, Tootie has reached the top of the education career track, to become Education Minister!'Isn't she loooveeellyyy, isn't she graaannnddd, look how she fiiiitts in the palm of your haanndd'

Oh wait, that's not quite how the song goes, is it? Oh well.Also on the plus side, Tootifer has achieved her lifetime want, which shall give her a permanently platinum mood the rest of her happy days; if you don't know, this is a very good thing.

Inconveniently, the Headmaster has arrived to check out Oxycodone's eligibility for private school just as Chapter 5 is nearing the end. He needs to start showing up sooner, that's what this is all about!

Loki decides to start the house tour anyway. Heading right from the throne room, they begin:“Yipper-skippers, A STUDY!!” the headmaster clapped gleefully.

Loki just stared at him. How much more excited could this guy get by the end of the night?

As they stood in the kitchen afterwards, enjoying their pre-dinner coffee, the headmaster brought something else up.“Hate to ask you this old buddy, but the school has fallen on hard times. A mere $1,000 more a day would certainly go a long way towards ensuring your daughter a place at our fine institution,” he said with a deceptively casual air.“Don't let him sucker you, dad,” Oxycodone muttered as she walked by them.

Ho-de-How, Freshnfruity fanatics!We'll be wrapping up this story, as well as this generation, in Chapter 5.1 which will be out very shortly! To avoid the notoriously evil spoilers, you'll do well to read through 5.1 before moving on to the heir poll.

Both will be out at the same time, so keep them peepers poised for the final showdown of

generation 1!