Forgiveness and Reconciliation 2...Forgiveness and Reconciliation 2.0 Light University 3 The...
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Forgivenessand
Reconciliation2.0
P.O.Box739•Forest,VA24551•1-800-526-8673•www.AACC.net
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WelcometoLightUniversityandthe“ForgivenessandReconciliation2.0”programofstudy.Our prayer is that you will be blessed by your studies and increase your effectiveness inreaching out to others. We believe you will find this program to be academically sound,clinicallyexcellentandbiblically-based.Our faculty represents some of the best in their field – including professors, counselors andministers who provide students with current, practical instruction relevant to the needs oftoday’sgenerations.We have alsoworked hard to provide youwith a program that is convenient and flexible –givingyoutheadvantageof“classroominstruction”onlineandallowingyoutocompleteyourtrainingonyourowntimeandscheduleinthecomfortofyourhomeoroffice.Thetestmaterialcanbefoundatwww.lightuniversity.comandmaybetakenopenbook.Onceyouhavesuccessfullycompletedthetest,whichcoverstheunitswithinthiscourse,youwillbeawardedacertificateofcompletionsignifyingyouhavecompletedthisprogramofstudy.Thank you for your interest in this program of study. Our prayer is that you will grow inknowledge,discernment,andpeople-skillsthroughoutthiscourseofstudy.Sincerely,
RonHawkinsDean,LightUniversity
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TheAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselors
• Represents the largestorganizedmembership (nearly50,000)ofChristian counselorsandcaregiversintheworld,havingjustcelebratedits25thanniversaryin2011.
• Known for its top-tier publications (Christian Counseling Today, the Christian CounselingConnectionandChristianCoachingToday),professionalcredentialingopportunitiesofferedthroughtheInternationalBoardofChristianCare(IBCC),excellenceinChristiancounselingeducation, an arrayof broad-based conferences and live training events, radioprograms,regulatoryandadvocacyeffortsonbehalfofChristianprofessionals,apeer-reviewedEthicsCode, and collaborative partnerships such as Compassion International, the NationalHispanic Christian Leadership Conference and Care Net (to name a few), the AACC hasbecomethefaceofChristiancounselingtoday.
• With the needed vision and practical support necessary, the AACC helped launch the
International Christian Coaching Association (ICCA) in 2011, which now represents thelargest Christian life coaching organization in the world with over 2,000 members andgrowing.
OurMission
The AACC is committed to assisting Christian counselors, the entire “community of care,”licensedprofessionals,pastors,and laychurchmemberswith littleorno formal training. It isourintentiontoequipclinical,pastoral,andlaycaregiverswithbiblicaltruthandpsychosocialinsights that minister to hurting persons and helps them move to personal wholeness,interpersonalcompetence,mentalstability,andspiritualmaturity.
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OurVision
TheAACC’svisionhastwocriticaldimensions:First,wedesiretoservetheworldwideChristianChurch by helping foster maturity in Christ. Secondly, we aim to serve, educate, and equip1,000,000 professional clinicians, pastoral counselors, and lay helpers throughout the nextdecade.WearecommittedtohelpingtheChurchequipGod’speopletoloveandcareforoneanother.We recognize Christian counseling as a unique form of Christian discipleship, assisting thechurch in its call to bring believers to maturity in the lifelong process of sanctification—ofgrowingtomaturityinChristandexperiencingabundantlife.Werecognizesomearegiftedtodosointhecontextofaclinical,professionaland/orpastoralmanner.Wealsobelieveselected laypeoplearecalledtocareforothersandthattheyneedtheappropriatetrainingandmentoringtodoso.WebelievetheroleofthehelpingministryintheChurchmustbesupportedbythreestrongcords:thepastor,thelayhelper,andtheclinicalprofessional.ItistothesethreerolesthattheAACCisdedicatedtoserve(Ephesians4:11-13).
OurCoreValues
InthenameofChrist,theAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselorsabidesbythefollowingvalues:
VALUE1:OURSOURCEWearecommittedtohonorJesusChristandglorifyGod,remainingflexibleandresponsivetotheHolySpiritinallthatHehascalledustobeanddo.VALUE2:OURSTRENGTHWearecommittedtobiblicaltruths,andtoclinicalexcellenceandunityinthedeliveryofallourresources,services,trainingandbenefits.VALUE3:OURSERVICEWeare committed toeffectivelyandcompetently serve the communityof careworldwide—bothourmembership and the churchat large—withexcellenceand timeliness, andbyover-deliveryonourpromises.VALUE4:OURSTAFFWearecommittedtovalueandinvestinourpeopleaspartnersinourmissiontohelpotherseffectivelyprovideChrist-centeredcounselingandsoulcareforhurtingpeople.VALUE5:OURSTEWARDSHIPWe are committed to profitably steward the resourcesGod gives to us in order to continueservingtheneedsofhurtingpeople.
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LightUniversity• Establishedin1999undertheleadershipofDr.TimClinton—hasnowseennearly200,000
students from around the world (including lay caregivers, pastors and chaplains, crisisresponders,lifecoaches,andlicensedmentalhealthpractitioners)enrollincoursesthataredelivered via multiple formats (live conference and webinar presentations, video-basedcertificationtraining,andastate-of-theartonlinedistanceteachingplatform).
• Thesepresentations,courses,andcertificateanddiplomaprograms,offeroneofthemostcomprehensive orientations to Christian counseling anywhere. The strength of LightUniversity is partially determined by its world-class faculty—over 150 of the leadingChristianeducators,authors,mentalhealthcliniciansandlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates. This core groupof facultymembers represents a literal “Who’sWho” inChristiancounseling. No other university in the world has pulled together such a diverse andcomprehensivegroupofprofessionals.
• Educational and training materials cover over 40 relevant core areas in Christian—
counseling, lifecoaching,mediation,andcrisis response—equippingcompetentcaregiversand ministry leaders who are making a difference in their churches, communities, andorganizations.
OurMissionStatement
TotrainonemillionBiblicalCounselors,ChristianLifeCoaches,andChristianCrisisRespondersbyeducating,equipping,andservingtoday’sChristianleaders.
AcademicallySound•ClinicallyExcellent•DistinctivelyChristian
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Video-basedCurriculum
• UtilizesDVDpresentations that incorporateover 150 of the leading Christian educators,authors,mentalhealthclinicians,andlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates.
• Eachpresentationisapproximately50-60minutesinlengthandmostareaccompaniedbyacorrespondingtext(inoutlineformat)anda10-questionexaminationtomeasurelearningoutcomes.Therearenearly1,000uniquepresentationsthatareavailableandorganizedinvariouscourseofferings.
• Learning is self-directed and pacing is determined according to the individual time
parameters/scheduleofeachparticipant.• With the successful completion of each program course, participants receive an official
Certificate of Completion. In addition to the normal Certificate of Completion that eachparticipant receives, Regular and Advanced Diplomas in Biblical Counseling are alsoavailable.
Ø TheRegularDiploma isawardedbytakingCaringForPeopleGod’sWay,BreakingFreeandoneadditionalElectiveamongtheavailableCoreCourses.
Ø TheAdvancedDiplomaisawardedbytakingCaringForPeopleGod’sWay,BreakingFree,andanythreeElectivesamongtheavailableCoreCourses.
Credentialing
• LightUniversitycourses,programs,certificatesanddiplomasarerecognizedandendorsedbytheInternationalBoardofChristianCare(IBCC)anditsthreeaffiliateBoards:theBoardofChristianProfessional&PastoralCounselors(BCPPC);theBoardofChristianLifeCoaching(BCLC);andtheBoardofChristianCrisis&TraumaResponse(BCCTR).
• Credentialing is a separateprocess from certificate or diploma completion.However, theIBCC accepts Light University and Light University Online programs as meeting theacademic requirements for credentialing purposes. Graduates are eligible to apply forcredentialinginmostcases.
Ø Credentialinginvolvesanapplication,attestation,andpersonalreferences.
Ø CredentialrenewalsincludeContinuingEducationrequirements,re-attestation,andoccureitherannuallyorbienniallydependingonthespecificBoard.
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OnlineTesting
TheURLfortakingallquizzesforthiscourseis:http://www.lightuniversity.com/my-account/.
• TOLOGINTOYOURACCOUNT
Ø You should have received an email upon checkout that included your username,password,andalinktologintoyouraccountonline.
• MYDASHBOARDPAGE
Ø Once registered, youwill see theMyDVD Course Dashboard link by placing yourmousepointerovertheMyAccountmenuinthetopbarofthewebsite.Thispagewill includestudentPROFILE informationand theREGISTEREDCOURSES forwhichyouareregistered.TheLOG-OUTandMYDASHBOARDtabswillbeinthetoprightofeachscreen.Clickingonthe>nexttothecoursewilltakeyoutothecoursepagecontainingthequizzes.
• QUIZZES
Ø Simplyclickonthefirstquiztobegin.• PRINTCERTIFICATE
Afterallquizzesaresuccessfullycompleted,a“PrintYourCertificate”buttonwillappearnearthetopofthecoursepage.YouwillnowbeabletoprintoutaCertificateofCompletion.Yournameandthecourseinformationarepre-populated.ContinuingEducationThe AACC is approved by the American Psychological Association (APA) to offer continuingeducationforpsychologists.TheAACCisaco-sponsorofthistrainingcurriculumandaNationalBoard of Certified Counselors (NBCC)ApprovedContinuing Education Provider (ACEPTM). TheAACC may award NBCC approved clock hours for events or programs that meet NBCCrequirements.TheAACCmaintainsresponsibilityforthecontentofthistrainingcurriculum.TheAACCalsoofferscontinuingeducationcreditforplaytherapiststhroughtheAssociationforPlayTherapy (APT Approved Provider #14-373), so long as the training element is specificallyapplicabletothepracticeofplaytherapy.It remains the responsibility of each individual to be aware of his/her state licensure andContinuing Education requirements. A letter certifying participation will be mailed to thoseindividuals who submit a Continuing Education request and have successfully completed allcourserequirements.
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Presentersfor
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PresenterBiographiesGaryChapman,Ph.D.,seekstofulfillhiscalltotheministryasapastor,speaker,andauthor.Hespeaksextensively throughout theUnitedStatesand internationallyonmarriage, family, andrelationships.ThegovernmentofSingaporeinvitedhimtopresenthismarriageseminarthereandtheChaplain’sOfficeofNATOissuedaspecial invitationforDr.ChapmantospeaktotheNATOforcesinGermany.OtherengagementshavetakenhimtoEngland,Africa,SaudiArabia,Turkey,Mexico andHongKong. Sales exceeding fivemillion copies earnedhim thePlatinumBookAwardfromtheEvangelicalPublishersAssociationforTheFiveLoveLanguages,whichhasbeentranslatedintooverthirty-sixlanguages.Twenty-sevenotherbooksandfivevideoseriesarealsoamonghispublications.Onthehomefront,Dr.ChapmanisSeniorAssociatePastorofCalvaryBaptistChurch inWinston-Salem,NorthCarolina.Heandhiswife,Karolyn,have twoadultchildrenandtwograndchildren.Eric Scalise, Ph.D., is the former Vice President for Professional Development with theAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselors,aswellasacurrentconsultantandtheirSeniorEditor.HeisalsothePresidentofLIVEnterprises&Consulting,LLC,andaLicensedProfessionalCounselor and LicensedMarriage&Family Therapistwithmore than35yearsof clinical andprofessionalexperienceinthementalhealthfield.Specialtyareasincludeprofessional/pastoralstress and burnout, combat trauma and PTSD, marriage and family issues, leadershipdevelopment, addiction and recovery, and lay counselor training.He is an author, a nationaland international conference speaker, and frequently consults with organizations, clinicians,ministryleaders,andchurchesonavarietyofissues.EverettWorthington,Jr.,Ph.D.,isaLicensedClinicalPsychologist(LCP)andProfessorandChairoftheDepartmentofPsychologyatVirginiaCommonwealthUniversityinRichmond,VA,wherehehasbeenonthefacultysince1978.Hehaspublished17booksandoverpeer-reviewed150articles and scholarly chapters on forgiveness, marriage, and family topics. He directs ACampaignforForgivenessResearch,isthefoundingeditorofMarriageandFamily:AChristianJournal, and known throughout the country as a preeminent Christian researcher inmentalhealth issues. Dr.Worthington has spoken internationally at conferences and universities inBrazil,SouthAfrica,thePhilippines,Malaysia,Singapore,andCanada.
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ForgivenessandReconciliation2.0TableofContents:
FORG101:Forgiveness:LettingGoofthePastandPain........................................................11EvWorthington,Ph.D.FORG102:TheLanguageofApology:Regret,Responsibility,Restitution,Repentance,andRequesting...........................................................................................................................24GaryChapman,Ph.D.FORG103:TheRoadtoRecovery:ForgivenessandTransformation.......................................32EricScalise,Ph.D.
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FORG101:
Forgiveness:
LettingGoofthePastandPain
EverettWorthington,Jr.,Ph.D.
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Abstract
This session focuses on forgiveness-related issues, including types of forgiveness, how to
forgive, andhow to let goof pain from thepast.Dr.Worthingtonexplores andanswers key
questions clients often have about the forgiveness process—including receiving forgiveness,
forgivingothers,andthepossibilityofrestoringrelationships.TheChristianpsychologicalstudy
offorgivenessisalsodiscussed,aswellastheR.E.A.C.H.modeldevelopedbyDr.Worthington.
LearningObjectives
1. Participantswillbeableto identifyandrefutecommonmisconceptionsclientsholdto
aboutforgiveness.
2. Participantswillbeabletoarticulatethetruemeaningofbothemotionalanddecisional
forgivingness.
3. Participants will be prepared to implement the R.E.A.C.H. model of forgiveness in
workingwithclients.
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I. MisconceptionsAboutForgiveness
A. ClientMisconceptions
1. SomeclientshavelistsaboutthewaysthatGodhaswrongedordisappointedthem.
2. Someclientshavelistsofpeoplewhohavewrongedordisappointedthem.
3. Someclientshave listsofhow, as individuals, theyhavewrongedordisappointed
themselves.
B. ChoosingForgiveness
Forgivenessrequiresgettingridoftheselists(whetherphysicalormental)andchoosing
nottomakenewlists.
II. TheChristianPsychologicalStudyofForgivenessA. PsychologicalScience
We can learn a lot about psychological science that enriches our understanding of
Scripture, andmay even help us interpret Scripture in away thatwill put it tomore
powerfuluseinourlives.
B. TheStudyofForgiveness
1. Thescientificstudyofforgivenessbeganwithabookwrittenin1985bytheologian
LewisSmedes—ForgiveandForget:HealingtheHurtsWeDon’tDeserve.
2. Smedes’ book interestedpsychotherapists and researchers in studying forgiveness
becauseoftheargumentmadethatforgivenessisgoodforus.
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3. Bytheendof2011,therewerealmost2,000scientificstudiesonforgiveness.
III. QuestionsAboutForgivenessBelowaresomequestionsthatclientsoftenaskandwrestlewith.Itisimportanttobeable
to respond in a knowledgeable, yet compassionate way, empathizing with the pain and
woundstheycarryasaresultofpasthurts.
A. Isthereanyagreementonhowforgivenessisdefined?
1. Yes,psychologistsgenerallyagreeonwhatforgivenessis.
2. Forgivenessisnotsaying,“Iforgiveyou.”
3. Forgivenessisnotreconcilingwiththeperson,anditdoesnotrequirethataperson
rebuildarelationshipwiththeonewhowrongedhimorher.
4. Forgiveness is what God requires of us. Reconciliation is not required, but is
certainlysomethingthatGoddesiresofus.
B. Doesapersonhavetoaskforforgivenessbeforeheorsheisforgiven?
1. No, a persondoesnothave to ask for forgivenessbeforewegrant forgiveness to
himorherinourheart.
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2. Somepeople inour livesmayneverask for forgiveness,butwecanstillchooseto
forgivethemandsetourselvesfreefrombitternessandanger.
C. Whatifthepersonisnotrepentant?ShouldIhavetoforgive?
1. Thismakesforgivenessharder,butwestillneedtoforgive.
2. Insuchcases,itisimportanttorememberthatforgivenessdoesnothavetoinclude
reconciliation.
D. Ifeelthatit’shardertoforgivesomeonewhoisnotrepentant.Whyisthis?
1. Whensomeoneisunrepentant,thereisaclearinjusticegapintherelationship.
2. An injusticegap isthedifferencebetweenthewayonewouldliketoseeanevent
resolvedandthewayheorsheseesitrightnow.
3. Whilemanypeopledesire for theoffendedparty to repent,wemustplace this in
God’shandsandrealizeweareonlyresponsibleforourbehavior—nottheirs.
E. Doesn’t Scripture say to forgive as God forgave you—and if a person repents, to
forgive?Doesn’tthatmeanthepersonshouldberepentantbeforeweforgive?
1. First,God forgaveuswhilewewereyetsinners.God forgaveusoutsideof time—
beforeweeverrepentedoractuallyevensinned.
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2. Forgivenesscantakeplaceatanytime.
3. Scripturedoessaythatifapersonrepents,wearetoforgive.However,God’sWord
doesnot prescriptively advisewhat todo if thepersondoesnot repent.Applying
biblicalprinciples,theanswerisstilltoforgive.
F. Ican’tseemtogetridofthebitterness,resentment,hostility,hatred,anger,or fear
justbydecidingtoforgive.DoesthismeanthatGodwon’tforgivemysins?
1. In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus says that God forgives our debts as we forgive our
debtors.Hegoesontoexplainthisbysaying:
“For ifyoudonotforgivethosewhosinagainstyou,yourHeavenlyFatherwillnot
forgiveyou.But, ifyoudoforgivethosewhosinagainstyou,yourfatherinheaven
willforgiveyou.”—Matthew6:14-15
2. ThisScripturecanbe somewhat confusing,particularlywhenhurtand resentment
continuetoplagueusevenafterwechoosetoforgive.It’simportanttoclarifythat
therearetwodistincttypesofforgiveness:
• DecisionalForgiveness:Tomakeabehavioralintentionstatement
• Emotional Forgiveness: Replacing the negative, unforgiving emotions with
positive,other-orientedemotions
3. Forgiveness is internal,whether it isemotionalordecisional forgiveness.Wemust
becarefulnottoconfuseforgivenesswithreconcilingorsaying,“Iforgiveyou.”
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G. What if I do not forgive every little offense?What if I forget ormiss one? Am I in
dangeroflosingmysalvation?
1. Ifforgivenessisnotjustification,thenitisthebeliever’sjudgment.
2. ScripturegivesusaclearpictureofourindividualaccountabilitybeforeGod,evenin
thecontextofsalvation.
“For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus
Christ.Ifanyonebuildsonthisfoundationusinggold,silver,costlystones,wood,hayor
straw,theirworkwillbeshownforwhatitis,becausetheDaywillbringittolight.Itwill
berevealedwithfire,andthefirewilltestthequalityofeachperson’swork.Ifwhathas
beenbuiltsurvives, thebuilderwill receiveareward. If it isburnedup, thebuilderwill
suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the
flames.”—1Corinthians3:11-15
H. Arethetwotypesofforgivenessconfusedwithotherthingsbesidessaying,“Iforgive
you,”orreconciliation?
1. Yes,forgivenesscanbeeasilymistakenforotherbehaviorsGodcallsusto.One
significantareaofconfusionisbetweenforgivenessandjustice.
2. Biblicalwaysofdealingwithinjustice(whicharenotforgiveness),include:
• Seeingjusticedone
• Seekingtobringjustice,narrowingtheinjusticegap
• TurningthematterovertoGod
• Acceptance
• Forbearing
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I. Whatisforbearing?
1. Forbearingmostly occurs in collectivist cultures and those that value group
harmony.
2. Forbearing includes suppressing negative reactions toward a person and
continuingtotreattheminalovingandkindway.
3. Whileforbearingisscriptural,itmustnotbeconfusedwithforgiving.
J. Whatisacceptance?
1. Acceptanceconsistsofmovingonwithlifewithoutletting______botherme.
2. Themindset isbasically,“I’mgoingto let itbounceoffofme. Itwon’taffect
me.”
K. Arethereconsequencesotherthanthespiritualconsequencesfornotforgiving?
1. Therearespiritual consequencesbecause Jesus says that ifwedon’t forgive,God
willnotforgiveus.
2. Therearerelationalconsequences.
3. Therearephysicalhealthconsequences:
• Increased risk for cardiovascular problems like strokes, heart attacks, and
hypertension
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• Poorimmunesystemfunctioning
• Problemswiththebuildupofcortisolinourbodies
4. Therearementalhealthconsequences:
• Depression
• Anxiousness
• Obsessivethoughts
• Post-traumaticstress
• Psychophysiologicaleffects
L. Whatdoweknowaboutpersonalityandforgiveness?
1. Agreeableness
2. EmotionalReactivity
3. Conscientiousness
4. Thereisatraitofforgivenessthatpeoplehavemoreorlessof.However,this
doesnot takeawaypersonal responsibility to forgiveothers,nomatterwhat
ourpersonalitytraits.
M. Aretheregenderdifferencesinforgiveness?
1. Yes,therearereliablesexdifferences.
2. Men are four times as vengeful as women; women are twice as likely to hold
grudges.
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N. Whatdoweknowaboutforgivenessandreligion?
1. Toforgive ishuman.Forgivenessispartofcommongrace.Itisnotsomethingthat
Christianshaveanexclusive“lock”on.
2. Allmajorreligionsadvocateforgivenessandencouragetheirfollowerstoparticipate
inforgiveness.
3. However, various religions may describe forgiveness differently and set specific
conditionsonwhathastohappenbeforeforgiving.
4. Overall,Christianstendtoemphasizeforgivenessmorethanotherreligions.
O. HowdoesreligionmakeChristiansmoreforgiving?
1. ScripturesetsthenormforChristianswhodesiretoobeyGod.
2. TheHolySpirithelpsustobemoreforgivingfromwithin.
P. CanreligionmakeChristianslessforgiving?
1. Yes,becauseweare religiouswehavemanythings thatare treatedsacred.When
someoneviolatessomethingthatwebelieveissacred,wecaneasilybecomeupset.
Desecration of the things that are sacred happen more when people hold more
thingstobesacred.
2. However,biblically,wearestillcalledtoforgive—nomatterwhatthecircumstances.
Sciencealsoshowsthatlackofforgivenesshaspowerfulnegativeeffects.
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Q. Howdopeopleforgive?Isthereaforgivenessprocess?
1. Naturally, there is no one “right” forgiveness process. Forgiveness is an individual
process,andmaylookdifferent,dependingonpersonality,history,andlevelofhurt.
2. However,wecanteachpeopleakindofprocessthatwillhelpthemmakesenseof
theforgivenessprocessandknowwheretostart.
IV. TheR.E.A.C.H.Program
A. FiveStepstoReachForgiveness
1. Recallthehurt
2. Emotionally replace the negative, unforgiving emotions with positive, other-
orientedemotions
3. GiveanAltruisticgiftofforgiveness
4. Committotheforgivenessyouexperience
5. Holdontothatforgivenesswheneveryoudoubtthatyouhaveforgiven
B. OtherForgivenessPrograms
1. RobertEnright fromWisconsinhasaprogramwith20stepsto itthataregrouped
intofourdifferentsections.Thisprogramhasahugeamountofresearchsupport.
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2. FredDiBlasiodevelopedaprogramtohelpcouplesforgive.
3. Kristi Gordon at theUniversityofTennesseedevelopedaprogram tohelppeople
forgiveinfidelityinmarriage.
4. FredLuskinhasdevelopedasecularprogramtohelppeopleforgive.
C. TrainingintheR.E.A.C.H.ForgivenessProgram
Visitwww.people.vcu.edu/~eworthtoaccessadownloadableLeader’sandParticipant’s
GuidefortheR.E.A.C.H.Program.
1. Canpeopleleadpsychoeducationalgroupswithouttraining?
Yes, there is evidence showing that it helps if those teaching the program have
training,buttheprogramisstillsuccessfuleveniftheyhavenothadtraining.
2. HowcanIlearntobeabettergroupleader?
• Studytheresourcesandmanuals.
• GettheDVD.
V. Conclusion
A. Scriptureandpsychologicalsciencepaintaveryconsistentpictureaboutforgiveness.
1. Forgivenessisinternal.
2. Therearetwotypesofforgiveness:
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• Decision
• Emotionalchange
B. Christian beliefs and practices can sometimes make it easier to forgive, and other
timesmake forgivenessevenmoredifficult. Inbothcases,wecanrelyon Jesusand
theleadingoftheHolySpirittoguideandempowerustoforgive.
C. Itispossibletohelppeopleforgiveincounseling.Whilethereisnoone“right”wayto
forgive,oneapproachtohelpingpeopleforgiveistheR.E.A.C.H.forgivenessmodel.
D. Humility is theglue thatholdspeople togetherand cements justiceand forgiveness
intoaseamlessstructure.
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FORG102:
TheLanguagesofApology:Regret,
Responsibility,Restitution,
Repentance,andRequesting
GaryChapman,Ph.D.
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Abstract
Important in building positive, healthy relationships, is the ability to apologize and forgive
another’s faults. Apologizing is an important biblical concept, but many times, people are
learninghowto(orhownotto)apologizefromparentalmodeling.Dr.Chapmanintroduces5
languages of apology: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution,
repentance,andrequestingforgiveness.Everyindividualacceptsapologiesandgivesapologies
withintheirapologylanguage.Whensomeonehascommittedwrongagainstusandapologizes,
weacceptanapologybasedonourjudgmentoftheirsincerity.One’sjudgmentofsincerityis
reflectedintheirlanguageofapology.Onecanlearnaperson’sprimarylanguageofapologyby
asking simple questions. Learning the languages of apology enables one to be able to
understand and accept apologies from others even when they are not in their primary
language,butitalsohelpsonetoknowhowtobetterapologizetoothers.
LearningObjectives
1. Participantswillbeabletoidentifythefivelanguagesofapology.
2. ParticipantswillexploretheimportanceofapologyasnotedinScripture.
3. Participants will study the influences of apologizing and how to effectively identify
someoneelse’sprimarylanguageofapology.
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I. EssentialstoPositive,HealthyRelationships
A. Characteristics
1. Individualsintherelationshipfeellovedandappreciated.
2. Individualshavetodealeffectivelywiththeirfailures.
B. TheReality
1. Nooneisperfect.
2. Ifpeopledonotdealwiththefailures,resultinginanemotionalbarrierofhurt.
• Apologizing
• Forgiving
II. ApologizingA. TheBibleisVeryPositiveRegardingtheIssueofApologizing
“Hewhoconcealshistransgressionswillnotprosper,buthewhoconfessesandforsakes
themwillfindcompassion.”—Proverbs28:13
“Butyour iniquitieshavemadeaseparationbetweenyouandyourGod,andyoursins
havehiddenHisfacefromyousothatHedoesnothear.”—Isaiah59:2
“Thereforeifyouarepresentingyourofferingatthealtar,andthererememberthatyour
brotherhas somethingagainst you, leave youroffering therebefore thealtarandgo;
firstbereconciledtoyourbrother,andthencomeandpresentyouroffering.”
—Matthew5:23-24
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B. LearningtoApologize
1. Typically,we learn toapologize fromourparents (or someonewhoservedasour
parents).
2. Peoplelearndifferentstylesofapology/non-apologyfromparents.
• Researchshowsthatabout10%ofthepopulationalmostneverapologizes,most
ofthesearemenandtheylearnedthisfromtheirfathers.
III. FiveLanguagesofApologyA. ExpressingRegret
1. Expressingregretisoftenwiththewords,“I’msorry.”
• Emotionalapology
• Biblicalexample:TheProdigalSon(Luke15:21)
• Communicatesthatyoufeelbadlyaboutyourbehavior
2. Never use the words “I’m sorry” alone. Always tell the person that you are
apologizingtowhyyouaresorry.
B. AcceptingResponsibility
1. Acceptingresponsibilityissayingthatyouwerewrongandnotblaminganyoneelse.
2. Biblicalexample:TheProdigalSon(Luke15:21).
“AgainstYou,Youonly,IhavesinnedanddonewhatisevilinYoursight,sothatYou
arejustifiedwhenYouspeakandblamelesswhenYoujudge.”—Psalm51:4
“It we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to
cleanseusfromallunrighteousness.”—1John1:9
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3. Somepeoplehavedifficultyadmitting that theyarewrong.Particularly thosewho
are from a homewhere the parents always told themwhat they didwrong, and
seldom what they did right, and they grew up with the belief that if they ever
becomeanadult,theywouldneverbewrongagain.
C. MakingRestitution
1. Makingrestitutionisaddressingwhatcanbedonetomakeitright.
2. Biblicalexample:Zaccheaus(Luke19:8).
3. There is a correlation between one’s love language and language of apology. For
thosewhoselanguageofapologyismakingrestitution,theiranswerto,“Whatcan
bedonetomakethisright?”willlikelybeinkeepingwiththeirlovelanguage.
4. How a language of apology speaks to a person depends on the nature of the
offense.
• Forsmalloffenses,asimple,“I’msorry”usuallyworks.
• Forhugeoffenses,morethanonelanguageofapologywillbenecessary.
D. GenuinelyRepenting
1. Genuinelyrepentingisexpressingthedesiretochangeyourbehavior.
“FromthattimeJesusbegantopreachandsay,‘Repent,forthekingdomofheaven
isathand.’”—Matthew4:17
“Petersaidtothem,‘Repent,andeachofyoubebaptizedinthenameofJesusChrist
for the forgivenessof your sins;andyouwill receive thegiftof theHolySpirit.’”—
Acts2:38
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2. Biblicalexample:theNewTestament,inparticulartheBookofActs.
3. AsChristians,wearecalledtorepentofsin.
4. Repentmeanstoturnaround.
E. RequestingForgiveness
1. Requestingforgivenessisrequestingthatthepersonforgivesyou.
2. Forsomepeople,ifyouhavenotrequestedforgiveness,youhavenotapologized.
3. Biblicalexample:David(Psalm51).
• Blotoutmytransgressions
• Washawayallmyiniquity
• Cleansemefrommysin
IV. SincerityA. WhattoLookFor
1. Whensomeonehaswrongedus,andhe/sheapologizes,wewanttoknowifhe/she
issincere.
2. Aretheysincereoraretheytryingtowhitewashthis?
B. SincerityandtheApologyLanguage
1. Thejudgmentofsincerityisbasedonwhetherornotthepersonisapologizingin
ourapologylanguage.
2. IfthepersonisnotusingourLanguage,wejudgetheirapologyasinsincere.
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V. PrimaryApologyLanguage
A. TwoWaystheApologyLanguageHelps
1. Eachofushasaprimaryapologylanguage,whichwillhelpusintwoways.
2. Thefirstwayiscloserelationships.
• Knowing the Languages of Apology helps us to apologize in ways that are
meaningfultoourspouse,parents,friends,etc.
• Even if a person is apologizing in a Language that is not our own, we can
acknowledgethat theyareusingat leastoneof theLanguagesofApologyand
can then give them credit for it by accepting their apology, and thus forgiving
themmorereadily.
3. Thesecondwayisintheworkplaceandmedicalfield.
B. SomeDoNotSpeakaLanguageofApology
1. Therearepeoplewhodonotspeakanyofthefivelanguagesofapology.
2. Simplysaying,“Ioweyouanapology,”isnotapologizing.
3. The reality is, you either choose to forgive people or you choose to hold their
wrongsagainstthem.
4. Youcannotforcesomeonetoforgiveyou.
• Forgivenessisagift
5. Youwillnothavelong-term,positiverelationshipsifyoudonotchoosetoapologize
andifyoudonotchoosetoforgive.
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VI. LearningaPerson’sPrimaryApologyLanguage
A. AskQuestions
1. “Whenyouapologize,whatdoyoutypicallysayordo?”
2. “Whensomeoneapologizestoyou,whatdoyouwanttohearthemsayordo?”
3. “Whathurtsyoumostaboutthissituation?”
• Helpfulifpersonhasbeenoffended
• Helpfulifanapologyhasbeenmade,butitdidnotseemsincere
• Ifapersoncantellyouwhathurtsthemmostaboutasituation,theyaretelling
youwhattheirprimaryapologylanguageis.
B. HealingthroughApology
1. Manyrelationshipsthathavebeenfracturedforyearscouldberestoredifsomeone
wouldtaketheinitiativetoapologize.
2. Thepowerofanapologytohealbrokenrelationshipscannotbeunderestimated.
3. It’sessentialthatwelearntoapologizeandforgive.
4. Forgiveness does not erase the consequences, but it opens the opportunity of a
betterrelationshipinthefuture.
5. Thememoriesofthewrongdoingwillcomeback.TakethesememoriestoGodand
askforHishelpindealingwiththem.
VII. Resource
Gary D. Chapman and Jennifer M. Thomas, The Five Languages of Apology: How toExperienceHealingInAllYourRelationships(Chicago,IL:NorthfieldPublishing,2008).
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FORG103:
TheRoadtoRecovery:Forgivenessand
Transformation
EricScalise,Ph.D.
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Abstract
Forgiveness is a foundational principle in the Bible. Dr. Scalise examines the reasons people
oftenstruggle,theconsequencesofunforgiveness,whatforgivenessisandisnot,andthethree
primaryareaswhereforgivenessisrequiredinlettinggoofpain,hurt,anddisappointment.The
pathto freedomandtransformationencompassesconfession,grieving, theroleof truth,and
accountability.
LearningObjectives
1. Participantswillexplorethefourstepsintheprocessofforgiveness
2. ParticipantswillidentifyreasonsforforgivenessandconsequencesofUnforgiveness
3. Participantswillexaminetheareasofforgivenessanddiscoverthepathtofreedom
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I. TheProcessofChangeandTransformation
A. TheRoleofCONFESSION:BreakingthePowerofYourSecret
1. Step#1:RecognizingandAdmitting
“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.”
Lamentations3:40
2. Youcannotextinguishabehavioronuntilyoudistinguishwhatisgoingon.
B. TheRoleofGRIEVING:BreakingthePowerofYourDenial
1. Step#2:FreeingtheEmotions
“Trust in him at all times,O people;pour out your hearts to him, forGod is our
refuge.”Psalm62:8
2. Agreatdealofunforgivenesshastodowithanger.
3. Woundsmustbecleanedouttobehealed.
C. TheRoleofTRUTH:BreakingthePowerofYourUnbelief
1. Step#3:RenewingtheMind
“Donotconformanylongertothepatternofthisworld,butbetransformedbythe
renewingofyourmind.ThenyouwillbeabletotestandapprovewhatGod’swill
is––hisgood,pleasingandperfectwill.”Romans12:2
2. Themindislikeaparachute;ittendstoworkbetterwhenit’sopen.
3. God’swordsoftensheartground.
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D. TheRoleofACCOUNTABILITY:BreakingthePowerofYourFear
1. Step#4:ExercisingtheWill
“Thereforeconfessyoursinstoeachotherandprayforeachothersothatyoumay
behealed.Theprayerofarighteousmanispowerfulandeffective.”James5:16
2. Fearkeepspeoplefromtakingactionsteps
3. Fearisthedarkroomthatdevelopsallyournegatives
II. TheProcessofForgivenessA. ReasonsforUnforgiveness
1. Theoffensewastoogreat.
2. He/shewon'tacceptresponsibilityfortheoffense.
3. He/sheisn'ttrulysorry.
4. He/sheneveraskedtobeforgiven.
5. He/shewilldoitagain.
6. He/shediditagain.
7. He/shediditdeliberately.
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8. Idon'tlikehim/her.
9. IfIforgivetheoffense,I'llhavetotreattheoffenderwell.
10. Someonehastopunishhim/her.
B. HowaPersonHandlesPainful orAbusive ExperiencesmayProduceGreaterPainor
Self-AbusethantheOriginalActItself!
C. ConsequencesofUnforgiveness
1. Stressandanxiety
2. Self-inflictedcondemnation
3. Lackoftrustandlove
4. Angerandbitterness
5. Perpetualconflict
6. Buildingupofemotionalwalls
7. Depressionandhopelessness
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III. AreasofForgivenessA. ForgivingGod
“MyGod,myGod,whyhaveyouforsakenme?Whyareyousofarfromsavingme,so
farfromthewordsofmygroaning?OmyGod,Icryoutbyday,butyoudonotanswer,
bynight,andamnotsilent.”Psalm22:1-2
B. ForgivingOurselves
“I,evenI,amHewhoblotsoutyour transgressions, formyownsake,andremember
yoursinsnomore.”Isaiah43:25
C. ForgivingOthers
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with
compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and
forgive whatever grievances youmay have against one another. Forgive as the Lord
forgave you.Andover all these virtues put on love,which binds themall together in
perfectunity.”Colossians3:12-14
D. SeventyTimesSeven–Matthew18:21-35
“Through the Lord’smercieswearenot consumed,becauseHis compassions failnot.
Theyareneweverymorning;greatisYourfaithfulness.”Lamentations3:22-23
1. Makrothumeo:“Havepatiencewithme”
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2. Aphiemi:“Toabolish”
E. WhatForgivenessIsNot
1. Forgetting
• Forgivenessisnotforgetting,itismovingbeyondtheissueorevent
2. Excusing
• Don’texcusetheaction
• Itisbettertoadmitthehurtbutchoosetoletgo
3. JustaFeeling
• Forgivenessisprimarilyaverb
• Forgivenessissomethingpeopledo,notjustsomethingpeoplefeel
4. AOneTimeDeal
• Forgivenessisaprocess
• Feelingscanalwaysresurface
IV. APathtoFreedom
A. Hurt
1. Givepermissionforpeopletohurt
2. Itisbettertoexperiencethehurtanddealwithitthanpretenditisnotthere
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B. Hate
1. Helppeopleseparateoutthepersonfromtheact
2. Humannatureinterminglesthetwo
C. Hook
1. Itisallaboutcontrol
2. Forgivenessislikeaperson’ssoloflighttofreedom
D. Healing
1. Forgiveness is not dependent on whether the other person wants to receive
forgiveness
2. Forgivenessandreconciliationaretwodifferentthings
V. Brokenness
“ThisiswhattheLordsays:‘Heavenismythrone,andtheearthismyfootstool.Whereis
thehouseyouwillbuildforme?Wherewillmyrestingplacebe?Hasnotmyhandmadeall
thesethings,andsotheycameintobeing?’declarestheLord.‘ThisistheoneIesteem:he
whoishumbleandcontriteinspirit,andtremblesatmyword.’”Isaiah66:1-2
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