FLATPACK

[FIONA sitting on a couch watching TV flicking through channels. PATRICIA enters pushing an enormous flatpack box into the living room]

FIONA: What is that?

PATRICIA: Our coffee table!

FIONA: Why is it in a box then?

PATRICIA: It’s a flatpack.

FIONA: I thought the store assembled the stuff before we bought it.

PATRICIA: Oh I got this one from Ikea.

FIONA: Now why would you do that? Do you remember the trouble we had building the bed? We had to get Uncle Phillip in to help! Do you remember Uncle Phillip? Do you remember how he kept dropping around for dinner for three weeks afterwards? We never got rid of him! I’m still frightened to answer the phone!

[Phone rings. The two jump, startled]

PATRICIA: Let’s just assemble this one ourselves then.

FIONA: Don’t you remember? We already tried that with the bed and you had built it backwards! It was your fault we had to call Uncle Phillip!

PATRICIA: Ok so I admit, that was my fault, but surely a coffee table would be easier than a bed to build? Right hun?

FIONA: Possibly.

PATRICIA: Maybe if you helped we could get it done quicker? Then I could make you some dinner, then after dinner we could drink our coffees in front of the telly and put our coffee cups on our nice new coffee table? Then if you’re really lucky we could clear the coffee table and really put it to use.

FIONA: (laughs) Ok then! Let’s get started. Where are the instructions?

PATRICIA: We don’t need the instructions we’ll just figure it out as we go – (stops at look from FIONA) They’re right here. (pulls them out of the box)

FIONA: Open it up then.

[PATRICIA unfolds the instructions once, then twice, then three times. FIONA then takes it and unfolds it another three times. PATRICIA and FIONA then walk in different directions to unfold the instructions fully until they reach opposite sides of the stage.]

PATRICIA: Ok then that’s the instructions (they both lay it down on the floor)Where do we start?

FIONA: Ummm, it looks like we need to lay out all of the pieces on the floor first so it’s easier to see which pieces we need.

PATRICIA: Rubbish! We’ll just pull them out as we need them.

FIONA: It’s tip one of Ikea’s How-to-build a successful piece of furniture!

PATRICIA: Fine then.[PATRICIA and FIONA pull out the pieces and lay them out]

FIONA: Step 1. Place piece A into piece B and use pieces H to screw them together.Ok then. I’ve alphabetically lined up all the pieces of wood over there and all the screws and things are beside them over there, also alphabetically lined up.

PATRICIA: I’d hate to be organised.

FIONA: What was that?

PATRICIA: Nothing. Ok pieces A and B.

FIONA: They should be at the start.

PATRICIA: Thank you wife. (picks up pieces) What were the screws? J right?

FIONA: No H! H! Do you ever listen to me?

PATRICIA: Sorry. H then. Wait, hang on there is no H.

FIONA: There has to be! How will we build the table then? The instructions say there’s an H! There has to be an H!

PATRICIA: It’s ok baby. We can just use some screws from the toolbox.

FIONA: No! We can’t! We’re supposed to use the ones from the box! From the damn flatpack box!

PATRICIA: Now, now, it’s ok, I can return it in the morning. We can get an assembled coffee table from Freedom instead.

FIONA: It’s not that. Don’t you see? We thought we could do it. We signed the papers, and took it home and tried to make it work even though we were afraid it wouldn’t. Then when we really tried, there were pieces missing. I’m not sure if we can make it work without the pieces. I don’t want to just give up and return it. But I don’t think it will work properly if we try and fix it.

PATRICIA: Hun? Fiona is everything ok?

FIONA: It’s our marriage Patricia. It hasn’t been the same since we found out we couldn’t conceive.

PATRICIA: Baby, we’ve been trying. We’re trying so hard. It’ll happen. And if it doesn’t, well there are other options. You know that.

FIONA: I know, but I wanted my own baby, not someone else’s.

PATRICIA: It will be our baby. It’ll be ours because we’ll make it fit in out flatpack marriage. The screws don’t have to come from the H bag hun, you know that. There’s always the toolbox.

FIONA: I don’t want the toolbox! I just want a baby that is mine! A baby that I can look at and see my eyes and your nose. Hell I wouldn’t care if I saw Uncle Phillip’s eyes and nose at least I would know it came from me!

PATRICIA: We’re trying Fiona and that’s all we can do. My brother is happy to donate again and I’m sure our baby will come to us because we want it so badly.

FIONA: He didn’t come to us the first time.

PATRICIA: You’ve already decided we’re having a boy?

FIONA: Oh, I dunno, just a thought, stupid I know, don’t worry about it.

PATRICIA: What’s his name?

FIONA: William.

PATRICIA: After your dad?

FIONA: Yeah.

PATRICIA: Do you remember the look on his face when he realised I wasn’t just your best friend?

FIONA: (laughs) Yeah I do. He got over it though, he saw we were in love. He didn’t understand it, but he saw it.

PATRICIA: And do you remember what your mother said?

FIONA: She said she was glad I wouldn’t be shacking up with that ‘horrible Thomas boy’ from up the road.

PATRICIA: Hey, I thought he was pretty cute.

FIONA: Shut up. It was you. It’s always been you… though sometimes I think it might have been easier…

PATRICIA: (slides away and goes on defensive) Easier if what? Easier if what FIONA? Say it! Go on say it! I know you think it all the time.

FIONA: (screams) It might have been easier if we were a straight couple!

PATRICIA: I knew it! I knew it! It’s always been me huh? If you haven’t noticed this me is a woman not a man!

FIONA: You can’t deny it Patricia! If we were the way it was supposed to be, we’d probably already have kids by now.

PATRICIA: The way it was supposed to be.

FIONA: You know what I mean.

PATRICIA: Yeah I know exactly what you mean. You wish I were a guy and we were straight.I don’t know what to say. I thought you came to terms with this years ago. I’ve accepted who I am. When are you going to do the same?

FIONA: It’s hard Pat! It’s hard! I’ve wanted to be a mother since before I could remember. I was always looking after my baby sisters and playing with a baby doll. That was before I realised that who I was

would never place a baby in my womb. I knew what I wanted before I realised I could never have it.

PATRICIA: What do you want me to say to that? What do you want me to do? I can’t just become what you want me to be. I am who I am. I think you need to work out who you are.

FIONA: I am your partner and your wife. I’m in this with you.

PATRICIA: Then have our baby. You might need some help from my brother, but little William will still be ours. He’ll be ours when you stop going to every appointment cursing your sexuality. He’ll be ours when we stop trying to organise everything into categories of what’s going to happen and what’s not. He’ll be ours when we fix the flatpack the way we can, not the way the manual says.

FIONA: (pause) You’re right. You always are. I’m sorry. We’re going to try again because we want William in our family. Into this family, not the one I imagined. (sighs) Let’s try and fix this stupid thing. I’ll get the toolbox.

[Exit FIONA]

PATRICIA: (sits on the couch, silence, she shakes her head and looks at the pieces on the floor) I wonder if you could sue Ikea for this?