FIRST DATEthe musical

Book by Austin Winsberg

Music & Lyrics by Alan Zachary & Michael Weiner

September 28, 2012

CAST BREAKDOWN(4 M / 3 W)

(in order of appearance)

MAN #1 / JEWISH CHORUS / GABE / YOUTUBE / EDGY ROCKER GUY / GILBERTO

WOMAN #1 / GRANDMA IDA / LAUREN / FACEBOOK / AARON'S MOTHER

MAN #2 / REGGIE / AARON'S FUTURE SON / EBAY / EDGY BRITISH GUY

WOMAN #2 / JEWISH CHORUS / ALLISON / GOOGLE LADY / REGGIE'S MOM

MAN #3 / WAITER / CASEY'S CHRISTIAN FATHER / BLAZE / TWITTER / FRIENDLY THERAPIST

AARON

CASEY

As the audience files into the theatre, they will see a WHITE SCRIM covering the stage. In the middle of the scrim is a LARGE HEART with the words “FIRST DATE” written inside in cheesy, romantic letters.

MUSIC CUE: I HATE FIRST DATES

Once the music starts, two small, ANIMATED LOVE BIRDS start to fly across the scrim. Spinning and dancing all around each other. Two joyous creatures totally in love...

EVERYONE (OFFSTAGE)WHEN YOU FIND YOUR HEART'S TRUE LOVEIT'S LIKE A GIFT FROM FATEBUT YOU'LL NEVER FIND SUCH LOVEWITHOUT THE PAINFUL, HELL ON EARTHTHAT'S KNOWN AS THE "FIRST DATE"...

Very quickly - we hear a GUNSHOT. One bird goes down. The first bird looks around for their lover. After a quick beat - another GUNSHOT. Then - the second bird falls as well. The scrim separates in the middle - splitting apart the heart.

Reveal - a lush New York skyline. This is the city in all its glory. FIVE HIP YOUNG NEW YORKERS all mill about the stage - each dressed for a night out on the town. None of them are excited about it.

MAN #1WILL SHE THINK I'M TOO SHORT?

WOMAN #1WILL HE NOTICE MY THIGHS?

MAN #2PERFECT TIME FOR A GIANT ZIT - SHIT!

MAN #3SHOULD I OPEN HER DOOR?

WOMAN #2I CAN'T BREATHE IN THESE SPANX!

MAN #1WILL SHE SEE THAT I CAN'T COMMIT?

MAN #3KEEP IT COOL, I.B.S.!

WOMAN #1TOO MUCH BOOB IN THIS DRESS?

WOMAN #2WILL HE GUESS THAT I LIE 'BOUT MY AGE?

MAN #2AND WHEN DO I ADMIT THAT I'VE NEVER HAD SEX?THAT MOMENT IS SO HARD TO GAUGE...

EVERYONEI HATE FIRST DATESALL THE ANGST AND DESPAIRI HATE FIRST DATESWORKING OUT WHAT TO WEAR.

WOMAN #1 & #2EACH HAIR I TWEEZEOFFERS NO GUARANTEES

EVERYONETHAT TRUE LOVE'S NOT A LIEYEAH, THAT'S THE REASON WHY...I HATE FIRST DATES.I HATE FIRST DATES.

WOMAN #1 HOPE HE'S NOT INTO SPORTS

MAN #2WILL SHE CARE I DID PORN?

WOMAN #2DO I BOTHER TO SHAVE MY LEGS?

MAN #3SHOULD'VE GONE TO THE GYM

WOMAN #1SHOULD'VE GOT A FAKE TAN

WOMAN #2JUST NEED DECENT SPERM FOR MY EGGS.

MENBRING SOME PEPTO IN CASE

2.

WOMENBRING THAT SPRAY CAN OF MACE

EVERYONEJUST EMBRACE THAT YOU HAVE TO STAY ZEN

WOMAN #1BUT LAST WEEK I WENT OUTWITH SOME FREAK... AND HIS MOM...AND HIS IMAGINARY FRIEND GUS - I'M NOT SURE I CAN DO THIS AGAIN...

EVERYONEI HATE FIRST DATESWAIT, DID I CHECK MY BREATH? - HAH HAH

They all put a hand to their mouths and check their breaths.

EVERYONEI HATE FIRST DATESHIDING I'M BORED TO DEATHI FORCE A SMILEAS I SIT THERE ON TRIAL

MAN #2AND KISS MY NIGHT GOODBYE

EVERYONESO MANY REASONS WHYI HATE FIRST DATES. I HATE FIRST DATES!

CRAZY THINGS I'VE HEARDEVERY STUPID WORD

WOMAN #2LOSERS WITH NO CLASS

MAN #3UNEXPECTED GAS

WOMENDISAPPOINTMENTS, REJECTIONS

MENACCIDENTAL ERECTIONS

MAN #1 & WOMAN #1ALL THE PRESSURE, THE TRAUMA

MAN #2 & WOMAN #2THE PERPETUAL DRAMA

3.

EVERYONETHE BITCHES, THE MORONS, THE PERVERTS, THE DICKSTHE ONES WHO DON'T LOOK LIKE THEIR PROFILE PICS

MAN #3I'M SAYING GOODBYE

MAN #3 & WOMAN #2BEFORE I SAY HELLO

WOMAN #1BUT WHEN I’M ASKED OUT, I STILL GO

EVERYONEBECAUSE I KNOW...

The stage becomes a rather cool, friendly, West Village gastropub-type bar/restaurant. There’s a restaurant entrance upstage right, a small coat check, and then a few stairs which take you down into the restaurant itself. Downstage there is a bar counter with stools. And there are several small tables set up around the space.

Our various MEN and WOMEN start to take their places within the restaurant as they sing. Man #1 and Woman #1 (and Man #2 and Woman #2) start to become two “couples” meeting up at the restaurant.

EVERYONETHAT ONE FIRST DATEMAY BE ALL THAT I NEEDA GREAT FIRST DATEWHO KNOWS WHERE THAT COULD LEAD?AN EPIC FAILOR THE WHOLE FAIRY TALEWON’T KNOW UNLESS I TRYSO I SUFFER AND I SIGHHOPING FATE WILL SOON SUPPLYSOMEONE WHO'LL FORCE ME TO DENYI HATE FIRST DATES!AND WITH SOME LUCK,THIS NEXT FIRST DATEWON’T REALLY SUCKFORGET THE PASTHERE’S HOPING THAT THIS NEXT FIRST DATEWILL BE MY LAST!

The two couples should now be seated at two separate tables.

4.

Man #3 becomes the WAITER - early 40’s, straight talking, seen it all, man’s man.

Into the restaurant comes AARON, 30ish, charming, conservative, wearing glasses and dressed in a suit with black loafers. He nervously looks around the room for somebody. Not seeing them, he heads to the bar where he is approached by the waiter.

(Note: Throughout the show, the waiter and various patrons in the restaurant will also double as other characters that emerge from the minds of AARON and CASEY, our two lead characters on the date. In instances where the waiter and patrons take on other personas, NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS is actually physically present in the restaurant. They are just imagined manifestations in the heads of our two leads.)

WAITERAre you waiting for a table?

AARONUhm... I don’t know. Probably have to see how the “drinks” portion of the evening goes first. Wouldn’t wanna be too presumptuous, know what I mean?

The waiter can tell Aaron is rather on-edge.

WAITERCan I get you something while you wait? Beer? Vodka? Xanax?

AARONUh, sure. I’ll have a beer. Does that sound right? Yeah, give me a beer. Thanks.

WAITERDo you care what kind?

AARONSomething on tap. In a big glass. A big, manly glass...

The waiter goes behind the bar and pours Aaron a beer.

WAITERSo... this a first date?

5.

AARONIs it that obvious?

WAITERYou got pretty dressed up for it, didn’t you?

AARONI thought the suit would make me seem impressive and/or distinguished. Am I wrong?

WAITERHonestly? I think it’s making you seem desperate and/or douche-y. But maybe I’m wrong...

AARONWhat am I supposed to do?! She’s going to be here any second!

WAITEROkay, relax. Just lose the tie. Pop the collar a little...

Aaron quickly takes off his tie and shoves it in his pocket. He unbuttons the top button on his shirt.

WAITERAnd, uhh, try this!

The waiter jams Aaron’s hands into a pitcher of water on the bar. He makes Aaron mess up his own hair. The waiter then assesses Aaron.

AARONHow do I look?!

WAITERI ain’t Picasso, kid. But at least we’re now headed in the right direction...

The waiter grabs the pitcher and takes off as Aaron tries get comfortable. After a beat, CASEY, also 30-ish, funky, pretty, a little too cool-looking for Aaron, rushes into the restaurant. She seems a bit frazzled as she crosses down the stairs and looks around the room. The waiter approaches her at the entrance.

WAITERCan I help you?

6.

CASEYYeah, has anyone come in who supposedly “looks like Brad Pitt?”

WAITERYou must be the other half of the first date.

CASEYYep - that’s me. And I guess that means he’s already here.

WAITERYou say that like it’s a bad thing.

CASEYWell, judging from past experience, it’s never a good sign when the dude’s...

(almost like a bad word)... punctual. All right. So where is he? Lay him on me.

WAITERYou mean, “Brad?” I believe he’s waiting for you at the bar.

Casey cranes her neck to look at Aaron, who faces away from her - trying to find a “cool” and “casual” stance for himself at the bar. It isn’t working. And clearly this guy does NOT look anything like Brad Pitt.

CASEYOh, boy. Bring me a shot of something strong, will you?

(on second thought)And a chaser of something even stronger...

Casey approaches Aaron at the bar.

CASEY(trying to be peppy)

Hi.

Aaron turns and face Casey.

AARONOh, hi. Are you--

CASEYCasey. And you must be--

AARONAaron. That’s me.

He jumps out of his seat to say hello. But he’s not sure whether to shake her hand or hug her.

7.

AARONI’m sorry. Not quite sure of the protocol on this. Is this a hug-like situation? A handshake? Fist bump? You tell me...

CASEYWhy don’t we just start with the handshake and see where it goes from there.

AARONFair enough.

Aaron shakes her hand. He then tries to turn it into a fist bump with his hand then exploding backward. Casey’s not into it.

CASEYWhat is that? What are you doing?

AARONI don’t know. I’m an idiot. Wanna sit?

Casey nods. She grabs the seat next to him at the bar.

AARONSo... can I get you a drink?

CASEYOh, I already ordered two on the way in... Thanks.

(re: his drink)And what are you drinking?

AARONNothin’ special. Just a little brewski...

CASEY(displeased)

Did you just say “brewski?”

AARONI sure did. But, if it makes you feel any better, I regretted it the second it came out of my mouth...

Aaron takes a big sip of his beer.

CASEYYou okay, Aaron? You seem a little nervous...

AARONDo I? Sorry. It’s just...

(then; explaining)I don’t go on a lot of blind dates. This is actually, kinda, most definitely, my first.

8.

CASEYFor real?

AARON‘Fraid so. So, if I seem a little nervous it’s only because... I am.

CASEYWell, stop it. Because the more nervous you get...

(with a smile)... the more I just want to make a mad dash for the door.

Casey takes off her jacket - revealing a low-cut top and a kick-ass body underneath. There’s also a rather large Chinese tattoo on her wrist. Aaron notices but tries his best not to stare. The waiter comes back over.

WAITEROne shot for the lady.

CASEYThank you.

Casey casually downs the shot and hands the glass back to him.

WAITERAnd one cocktail for the lady...

CASEYAnd a thank you...

The waiter takes off.

AARONWhat was that all about?

CASEYIt’s called “taking the edge off.” Maybe you should try it, BDV. Could loosen you up.

AARONBDV?

CASEYBlind date virgin. That’s my new nickname for you. You mind it?

AARONI mean, I’d prefer something like “A-dawg” or “Aar-bear”, but-

9.

CASEY(cutting him off)

Good. Now... BDV? Can I ask you a question?

AARONWhy not? I’m an open book. Ask me anything you want.

CASEYIf you’ve never been on one of these before - why go on one now?

AARONWell, if you want to know the truth, your sister, Lauren--

CASEYYes, I’m aware of her name...

AARONRight. Well, her husband, Kevin, said you were really cute and I’d be an “absolute moron” to pass this up. So I decided to take a risk and listen to him. And you?

CASEYLauren said you look like Brad Pitt.

Aaron laughs.

MUSIC CUE: FIRST IMPRESSIONS

CASEYSo, do you agree with Kevin?

AARONAbout what?

CASEY(playful; kinda mocking)

Am I “really cute?”

AARONWhat? You can’t just ask me that!

CASEYWhy not? You said you were an “open book.” So... am I?

Aaron thinks about this for a second. Then turns out to the audience and starts singing. Casey remains rather frozen, looking at the place where Aaron just was as he sings.

AARONSHE'S A LITTLE ARTSY.SHE'S HIP AND COOL.SHE'S JUST LIKE ALL THOSE GIRLS

10.

THAT IGNORED ME ALL THROUGH SCHOOL.SHE'S KINDA INDIEAND PRETTY HOTSHE'S A LOT LIKE ALL THE THINGS THAT I AM NOT.

THERE'S SOME ASIAN SYMBOLTATOOED ON HER WRISTSHE’S GOT THE KIND OF LOOKTHAT SAYS, “HELLO, WORLD, I’M PISSED.”SHE'S SORT OF HOSTILEHER GUNS ARE DRAWNIS IT WEIRD OR JUST SCREWED UP THAT I'M TURNED ON?

BUT THAT'S JUST A FIRST IMPRESSIONI MIGHT BE TOTALLY WRONGIT'S ONLY A FIRST IMPRESSIONAND MAYBE SHE'S A...STUFFY AND CONSERVATIVEWAY UPTIGHT GIRL WHO'S STILL A VIRGINNEVER GOES PAST SECOND BASESUPPRESSING EVERY SINGLE URGE UNTILSHE MARCHES DOWN THE AISLEAND FIN'LLY TIES THE KNOTSHE COULD WANT A GIANT FAMILYAND BE AN OP’RA DEVOTEEHELL, EVEN HAVE A PHD! YES, THAT'S WHO SHE COULD BE

CASEYI'm waiting?

AARONUhm, yes. You're very... pleasant looking.

CASEY(annoyed)

Pleasant looking?

AARONNo, I mean - attractive? Desirable? Stunningly beautiful? How about “d.” All of the above? And what about me?

(then; playful)Would you call the Brad Pitt description accurate?

Casey thinks about this for a second. Then turns to the audience and starts singing. Aaron holds his position, looking at where she just was.

CASEYHE'S A LITTLE AVERAGE.AND OVERDRESSED

11.

HE'S GOT THE KIND OF VIBE THAT SAYS,“LOOK AT ME, I'M STRESSED.”

Casey turns to Aaron. He “de-freezes.”

AARONSo? Tell me the truth. I can take it.

CASEY(playful)

You're a dead ringer for Brad. I'm surprised more people aren't swarming you for autographs.

Casey faces back out to the audience. Aaron goes back into his “freeze.”

CASEYPROB’BLY LIKES TO CUDDLE,LONG WALKS IN THE PARK,AND IF HE LIKES SEX,BET IT'S ONLY IN THE DARK!

BUT THAT'S JUST A FIRST IMPRESSIONI COULD BE TOTALLY WRONG.IT'S ONLY A FIRST IMPRESSIONAND MAYBE HE'S A NASTY, UNINHIBITEDFEROCIOUS TIGER IN THE SACK WHORIDES A HARLEY, HITS THE GYMAND MAKES HIS MONEY DEALING CRACKTO WEALTHY KIDS IN PRIVATE SCHOOLSWHO TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD.HE COULD KICK SOME ASS JUST LIKE BRUCE LEEENGAGE IN ONLINE PIRACYAND NOT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ME-YES, THAT'S WHO HE COULD...

Now Aaron turns back out to the audience. They both sing out for the rest of the song.

AARONTHAT’S WHO SHE COULD

CASEY AND AARONTHAT’S WHO HE/SHE COULD BE

BUT THAT'S JUST A FIRST IMPRESSIONI COULD BE TOTALLY WRONG.IT'S ONLY A FIRST IMPRESSIONAND THOUGH THE IMPRESSION IS STRONGIT NEVER CAN HURT TO QUESTIONTHOUGH I DOUBT THIS WILL LEAD TO ROMANCE.

12.

AARONSOMETIMES THE ONES WHO SEEM GREATARE A NIGHTMARE TO DATE

CASEYEITHER WAY I'VE BEEN BURNED

BOTHBUT THE ONE THING I'VE LEARNEDIS OFTEN TIMES FIRST IMPRESSIONS

AARONARE WORTH A SECOND GLANCE!

CASEYIT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE!

AARONA SECOND GLANCE!

CASEYIT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE!

AARONA SECOND GLANCE!

CASEYIT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE!

BOTHIT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE!

The music STOPS. They both return to the exact positions they were in when the song began.

AARONSo, now what do we do?

CASEYWhat do you mean?

AARONWell, it’s just... since I’ve never been on one of these before, and you’re kinda the resident expert, I thought maybe you could instruct me on what we are supposed to do next.

CASEYWho told you I’m the expert?!

AARONUhh, Kevin might have said something before I left work tonight. Is he wrong? If he’s wrong, I’m really sorry...

13.

CASEYNo, he’s not wrong. I mean he’s horribly wrong to tell you that information right before you met me. But, technically speaking, he’s not “wrong.”

AARONSo, then I guess the new nickname I’ve been working on for you the last few minutes still stands?

CASEYDepends. What nickname is that?

AARONBDS?

CASEY(suspicious)

BDS?

AARON(gulp)

Blind. Date... Slut?

Casey just stares at him.

AARONNo? Too soon?

Casey nods. Aaron instantly regrets it.

AARONI agree. Sorry. I’m not so good at the whole “casual banter” thing.

(then; trying to banter)So, do you... enjoy blind dates, Casey?

CASEYGod no. I hate them with an undying passion. I put them right up there with pap smears and M. Night Shyamalan movies...

AARONThen why do you go on so many?

CASEYBecause I think it’s important to be out there. To keep your options open. And I guess I just keep “hoping each time that my next leap will be the leap home...”

AARON(surprised)

You know Quantum Leap? Nice. So, have you been on some really bad ones?

14.

CASEYBlind dates? No - we’re not doing that yet. That’s like dating rule number one. It’s waaaay too early in the evening for me to start discussing other men.

AARONSee, I was not aware of that. This is why I need your help. What kind of things should we be discussing?

CASEYWell, since we know almost nothing about each other, then I would say this should definitely be the small talk, “get to know you” portion of the night.

AARONOkay. I gotcha. Nothing too serious. Just keep things light and breezy. I can handle that.

(then; casual)So, where ya from?

CASEYMichigan.

Just then, Casey’s cell phone RINGS. She takes it out of her pocket and looks at it. As she does so, a small spotlight comes up downstage left. One of the restaurant patrons quickly throws a scarf around his neck and heads into the light, holding a cell phone up to his ear. This is REGGIE, late 20’s, Casey’s super fabulous, overly sensitive, kinda dramatic, gay best friend. He impatiently waits for Casey to pick up...

AARONDo you need to get that? I don’t mind...

CASEY(thinking it over)

Uhm... no. It’s okay.

AARONYou sure?

CASEYYeah. Not a problem. Now what were you saying?

AARONMichigan.

CASEYRight. Michigan...

15.

Casey puts the phone back in her purse. As they continue to pantomime talking, we focus on Reggie, as we hear Casey’s outgoing voicemail message:

CASEY’S VOICE(unenthused)

Hey, it’s Casey. Blah blah blah blah blah...

And then, the sound of a BEEP.

MUSIC CUE: BAILOUT SONG #1

REGGIETHIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIEYOUR BAILOUT, HONEYI'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT.YOU COULD TELL HIM YOUR DAD'S IN THE HOSPITALYOUR BUILDING'S ON FIRETHAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO SAYAND YOU'RE FREE AND ON YOUR WAY!

IT'S YOUR BESTIE CALLINGIT'S REGGIE TO THE RESCUEHERE TO SAVE YOU FROM ANOTHER CATASTROPHIC BLIND DATE.I'VE DONE IT TIME AND AGAINSAVED YOU FROM HORRENDOUS MENALL THOSE LOSERS WHO SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PRO-CREATE.LIKE THAT DENTIST WITH THE FOUL BREATHTHAT MADE YOU WANNA YACK.OR THAT HIPPIE WITH THE HAIRGROWING ONLY ON HIS BACKOR THAT GUY OBSESSED WITH DISNEYSECOND THOUGHT, I'LL CUT HIM SLACK.(THOUGH HIS LOVE OF PRINCESSES WAS RATHER SUSPECT)BUT I'M DIGRESSING, I'M OBSESSINGYOU DID NOT PICK UP YOUR CELLWHICH MEANS YOU EITHER DIDN'T HEAR IT RINGOR THINGS ARE GOING WELL.SO E-MAIL, CALL, OR FACEBOOKTELL ME IF YOU LIKE THIS GUY.OKAY THAT'S IT, I LOVE YOU LOTSNEED YOU FOREVER - BYE!

THIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIEYOUR BAILOUT, HONEYI'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT.YOU COULD TELL HIM YOUR GRANDMA BROKE HER HIPOR YOUR DOG ATE SOME CHOCOLATETHAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO SAYAND YOU'RE FREE AND ON YOUR WAY!LATER, BITCH.

16.

Reggie hangs up the phone, throws off the scarf and heads back to his seat, where he continues to engage in normal dinner conversation with his restaurant companion. The spotlight goes down stage left. We go right back to Aaron and Casey mid-conversation.

AARONI can’t believe you grew up in Grosse Pointe! Do you know anyone who went to Camp Riverlake?

CASEYWhy? Did you go there?

AARONOnly for six summers.

CASEYReally? My neighbor Jessica Sheinwald went there.

AARONJessica Sheinwald. Yeah, I think I remember her.

CASEYShe only went for one summer. She fell in love with this total asshole, Gabe, and they had like this insanely intense six week romance. And then the colossal prick dumped her on the last day of camp.

AARONWas it Gabe... Rubenstone?

CASEYYeah. How’d you know?

AARON‘Cause he’s been my best friend since I was four.

A beat.

CASEYAnd things were just starting to look up between us, too...

AARONNo, it’s okay. He was a real jerk back then.

(thinking it over)Still is, actually...

(then)What school did you go to?

CASEYVillage Day.

17.

AARONOh, a bunch of Riverlake people went there. Do you know Josh Baumgarten?

CASEYSat next to me in art class.

AARONAnd Rachel Hirsch?

CASEYKicked her ass all over the lacrosse field.

AARONAnd David Nathanson?

CASEYOh my God. David...

(filled with wonder)...“Want to See a Magic Trick” Nathanson? You knew that freak?

AARONWorse! He was my roommate for three summers. Do you know how many times he made me...

(mysterious)... “pick a card. Any card...”

Casey laughs. They are both starting to loosen up...

CASEYWhere’d you go to college?

AARONPenn. You?

CASEYB.U.

AARONB.U., huh? Should we continue playing Jewish Geography then? ‘Cause I can give you like ten more names...

CASEYWe can. I am good at this game. Even if I’m not a Jew.

MUSIC CUE: THE GIRL FOR YOU

All of a sudden, the rest of the patrons of the restaurant turn into a JEWISH CHORUS, singing from their chairs.

JEWISH CHORUSOY VEY! OY VEY!

18.

AARONI'm sorry, what did you just say?

CASEYI said, I'm not a Jew...

Casey freezes as Aaron turns out with a look of deep agony and despair.

JEWISH CHORUSOY VEY! OY VEY!THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI DAIDAI DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI DAITHIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!

One of the restaurant patrons gets up from her table. She’s now a cute old lady, who looks rather... otherworldly. Meet Aaron’s dead GRANDMA IDA. (Again - this is all in Aaron’s head.)

Note - if projections against the back wall of the restaurant are possible here, the mood should be rather... ethereal and heavenly. Blue skies, clouds, the works.

GRANDMA IDAAaron, bubalah!!

AARONGrandma Ida, is that you?

GRANDMA IDAThat's right!

AARONBut... you’re dead. What are you doing here?

GRANDMA IDAI WAS BUSY PRAYINGAT MY TEMPLE IN THE SKYWHEN I GOT AN URGENT MESSAGETHAT WAS STRAIGHT FROM ADONAIHE SAID, “IDA, IT'S YOUR GRANDSON.HE IS ACTING OUT OF LINE.'CAUSE HE'S DATING CASEY CLARKINSTEAD OF DATING SARAH STEIN!”

I BEGGED, “YAHWEH, SEND ME TO HIM!I HAVE WISDOM TO IMPART!PLUS MY GRANDSON AARON LOVES ME,

19.

AND HE'D NEVER BREAK MY HEART.I CAN MAKE THE PISCHER UNDERSTANDTHE ERROR OF HIS WAYSEVEN I ONCE SHTUPPED A SCHVARTZA -IT WAS JUST A PASSING PHASE!”

JEWISH CHORUSEH, THE SCHVARTZA WAS A PHASE!

GRANDMA IDASO LISTEN TO ME, BOYCHIKYOU'RE A MENSCH WHO'S WELL-ENDOWEDWITH BRAINS AND LOOKS AND TALENT - I COULD PLOTZ, I’M JUST SO PROUD!BUT THOUGH I CUT YOU SLACKWHEN YOU DID NOT RETURN MY CALLS,IF YOU WED THIS LITTLE TSATSKELAHI'LL BREAK YOUR MATZAH BALLS!

JEWISH CHORUSTHIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! - OY OY OY!THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! - A GOY GOY GOY!

GRANDMA IDASHE CONSIDERS JESUS BOSSAND THINKS YOU NAILED HIM TO THE CROSS!

GRANDMA IDA AND JEWISH CHORUSTHIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!

And then, ANOTHER PATRON approaches the table, dressed like a Priest.

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHERAaron?

AARONWhoa. And who are you?

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHERI’m Casey’s father. Her very disapproving, very Christian father.

AARON(confused)

I’m sorry. Her father. Or her...(hands together in prayer)

Father?

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHER(meant to intimidate)

Both. And Aaron...(sings)

YOU ARE RUINING MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE

20.

NEVER THOUGHT MY BABY’D BE A HEBREW’S WIFE.WHY WOULD PEOPLE CALLED THE CHOSEN ONESCHOOSE TO WEAR STRANGE HATS AND CIRCUMCISE THEIR SONS?

The Jewish Chorus now becomes a Church Choir. Again, if projections are possible, we should feel like we are in a church. Stained glass windows, pews, the works...

CHURCH CHOIRCIRCUMCISE THEIR SONS!

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHERYOU DON'T KNOW THE HOLY TRINITYOR THE JOY FELT WHEN YOU TRIM A CHRISTMAS TREE.AND SINCE YOU CANNOT SING “THE FIRST NOEL”JESUS CHRIST WON'T SAVE YOU FROM THE GATES OF HELL.

CHURCH CHOIRYOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!

EVERYONEHALLELUJAH!

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHEREVERY ANGEL SINGSFOR THE EASTER BUNNYAND THE EGGS HE BRINGS.

EVERYONEHALLELUJAH

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHERFOR THE SIMPLE JOYSOF A SUNDAY MASSAND PRECIOUS ALTAR BOYS!

EVERYONETHIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU

CHURCH CHOIRAHHH!

EVERYONETHIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!

CHURCH CHOIRAHHH!

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHERHOW CAN I STAY COOL AND CALMWHEN YOU DON'T PRAISE THE VIRGIN MOM?

21.

EVERYONETHIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!

Finally, another patron becomes a tweaked-out looking mess of a teenager.

AARON’S FUTURE SONYo, Dad. ‘sup?

AARONUhh, I’m sorry - “Dad?”

AARON’S FUTURE SONWhat, you don’t recognize me? I’m yours and Casey’s future son. And I’m, like, beyond messed up. So - thanks for that...

And now the mood should feel every bit like a bad ass rap video. Banging cars, slicked down empty streets, hoochies...

AARON’S FUTURE SON(rapping)

YOU GOT ME SO CONFUSEDI DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY TO CHOOSEDO I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS OR CHANUKAH?EITHER WAY, I LOSE

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE INWITH THE MIXED SIGNALS I'M RECEIVIN'NOW, I DON'T FIT INTO A BOXI’M STRUNG OUT WITH DOUBTAND I CAN’T DETOX

SHOULD I LIVE LIFE FOR THE MOMENT?OR SHOULD I KNEEL AND REPENT?DO I BELIEVE THE MESSIAH'S COMINGOR CAME AND WENT?

I’M STUCK AND IT’S FUCKIN’ DEPRESSIN’FROM ALL THIS PERPETUAL GUESSIN’ DON’T MEAN TO BE PREACHY BUT LIKE NIETZSCHE THE NIHILIST I’M THINKIN’ THAT GOD DON’T EXIST

DO I CRY AT SCHINDLER'S LISTOR WEEP AT THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST?SHOULD I SHOP RETAIL WHEN THERE IS NO SALE OR KVETCH THAT IT'S ALL OVERPRICED!I'M GONNA HAUNT YOU LIKE A POLTERGEIST!MY WHOLE IDENTITY YOU'VE SACRIFICED!WHY DIDN'T YOU USE A CONDOM?!

22.

GRANDMA IDADon't you see, Aaron? Marry her, and you'll destroy the entire order of the known universe!

Grandma Ida, Casey’s Christian father and Aaron’s future son all sing/rap in counterpoint.

GRANDMA IDAI WAS BUSY PRAYINGAT MY TEMPLE IN THE SKYWHEN I GOT AN URGENT MESSAGETHAT WAS STRAIGHT FROM ADONAIHE SAID, “IDA, IT'S YOUR GRANDSON.HE IS ACTING OUT OF LINE.'CAUSE HE'S DATING CASEY CLARKINSTEAD OF DATING SARAH STEIN!”

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHER(in counterpoint)

YOU ARE RUININGMY DAUGHTER'S LIFENEVER THOUGHT MY BABY’DBE A HEBREW’S WIFE.WHY WOULD PEOPLECALLED THE CHOSEN ONESCHOOSE TO WEAR STRANGE HATS AND CIRCUMCISE THEIR SONS?

AARON’S FUTURE SON(in counterpoint)

YOU GOT ME SO CONFUSEDI DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY TO CHOOSEDO I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS OR CHANUKAH?EITHER WAY, I LOSE.'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE INWITH THE MIXED SIGNALS I’M RECEIVIN’NOW, I DON'T FIT INTO A BOXI’M STRUNG OUT WITH DOUBT

EVERYONETHIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!

AARON’S FUTURE SONNOT NOT FOR YOU!

EVERYONETHIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!

AARON’S FUTURE SONSO TRUE! SO TRUE!SIX THOUSAND YEARS OF HISTORYARE RESTIN' ON YOUR HEAD

23.

GRANDMA IDAIF YOU MARRIED HER, YOU'D KILL MEWERE I NOT ALREADY DEAD!

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHERI WON'T HAVE MY GRANDKIDS RAISED ONBAGELS, LOX AND CREAM CHEESE SPREAD...

GRANDMA IDA, MAN #2, CASEY’S WASPY FATHER, WOMAN #2

NOW LET’S REVIEW:

AARON’S FUTURE SONSHE’S NOT A JEW!

EVERYONESO THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!

GRANDMA IDAA SHAYNA MAYDLBUT SHE DOESN'T SPIN THE DREIDEL

EVERYONETHIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!

Everyone quickly goes back to their tables.

EVERYONETHE SHIKSA’S NOT FOR YOU!

They throw off their costumes, and the lights go back to normal. Aaron tries to shake off what just happened.

AARONSo, you’re, uh, really not Jewish, huh?

CASEYNope.

AARONHalf-Jewish?

CASEYUh-uh.

AARONQuarter-Jew?

CASEYNot even a little...

24.

AARONHow about relatives? You got like a sister or a cousin or somebody who got all rebellious and married an Ashkenazi?

CASEYVery doubtful. Is this a problem for you, Aaron?

AARONUhm, no. Not for me... necessarily... Maybe for some others in my family...

(trailing off)Or your family... Or future children we may or may not have...

CASEYWell, if you ask me, I think all that religion stuff is total bullshit, anyway.

AARONYou do? So you don’t have countless crosses and rosary beads and pictures of pudgy little angels hanging, like, right above your bed, do you? ‘Cause that might actually be a bit of a dealbreaker for me.

CASEYNo. My parents never really cared about any of that stuff. So, from an early age I became much more of an atheist.

AARONOh, does that mean you don’t believe in God at all?

CASEYIs this your way of “keeping things light and breezy?”

AARONRight. Sorry.

(trying to change tacts)Uhm... what’s your favorite color?

CASEYNo, it’s okay. To answer your question - I do believe in a higher power. But I also think organized religions have become so overlaid with extraneous matter that their actual spiritual substance has become almost completely obscured. Know what I mean?

Aaron shakes his head “yes.” Then shakes his head “no.” He has no idea what she’s talking about.

CASEYWell, you’re the one who asked!

Casey takes a sip of her cocktail.

25.

AARONWait! Don’t stop! I’m fascinated. Keep going...

CASEYYou sure? For real?

Aaron nods. Clearly this topic stimulates Casey.

CASEYOkay. It’s just lately I’ve been reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle. Ever heard of him?

Before Aaron can respond--

CASEYDoesn’t matter. Point is - he’s a big believer in the “power of now.” And, since I have a bad tendency of getting in my head at times, what I’m really trying to do is separate the process of thinking and awareness in an effort to transcend my ego-based state of consciousness.

AARON(still lost)

Of course. I mean - obviously! And how’s that workin’ out for you?

CASEYNot so well. I have a very hard time silencing my inner critic.

AARON(agreeing)

Tell me about it...

CASEY(genuinely interested)

Really? You too?

AARONOh, yeah. I mean, my “inner critic” won’t shut up right now.

CASEYWhat’s he saying?

AARON(jokingly)

To get out of this date as quickly as possible.

Aaron laughs. But this doesn’t land so well with Casey.

CASEYAre you making fun of me?

26.

AARONNo. I was only joking...

CASEY(defensive)

‘Cause you brought it up. I didn’t want to talk about it.

AARONYou’re right. I’m sorry.

CASEYY’know, it’s too bad you’re so close-minded about this stuff. ‘Cause I bet a little meditation and self-reflection could actually help you. Could help everybody...

AARONDefinitely. It could.... do that... For me... And you... All of us... The people... Of the world...

A long, painful, awkward pause. Then, Casey and Aaron both go into a freeze as the patrons and the waiter dramatically turn out to the audience to comment on the action.

MUSIC CUE: THE AWKWARD PAUSE

PATRONS & WAITERTHE PAUSE! THE PAUSE!THE DREADED AWKWARD PAUSE!IT'S THAT SILENCE WHEN YOU'VE NOT A THING TO SAY NO HEMS, NO HAWSCAN HELP YOU IN ESCAPINGTHIS BOUNDLESS, SOUNDLESS, CRUEL DATING CLICHÉ!IF THIS LULL KEEPS UP, YOUR CHANCE IS SLIMOF GETTING THIS NIGHT BACK ON TRACKTHE LIKELIHOOD OF LOVE IS GRIMWHENEVER YOU FEEL ITS ATTACK!

MENYOU'LL NEVER KNOW IF UNDERNEATH HER SHIRT IS AN AMAZING RACK...

WOMENPIGS!

PATRONS & WAITERALL 'CAUSE YOU'RE STUCK INSIDE ITS JAWSTHE AGONIZING, PARALYZING AWKWARD... PAUSE!

The patrons sit, and the waiter goes back to his business. Casey and Aaron come out of their freeze.

27.

AARONCan I--

CASEYWhy don’t we--

They both try to talk again.

AARONI didn’t mean--

CASEYMaybe I--

One more time.

AARONI should probably--

CASEYHave you ever--

CASEYDear God, stop!

(then; sweetly)You go first.

AARONI’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made fun of you like that. I guess I didn’t realize how seriously you take that stuff.

CASEYI’m sorry, too. I just get a little defensive about it because I think it’s actually a good thing - trying to get to know yourself. But most people just look at me like I’m some sorta mental patient when I talk about it.

AARONWell, I won’t - not anymore. No crazy looks from me.

CASEYI’m glad to hear it.

A beat. Aaron tries to go back to keeping things light.

AARON(like a valley girl)

OMG! Did we, like, just totally have our first fight?

CASEY(laughing)

I think we kinda did.

Aaron looks down at his body.

AARONAnd we got through it. No cuts, no bruises...

CASEYBarely any internal bleeding.

28.

AARONMaybe there’s a small smidgeon of hope for us yet.

Aaron goes in for a flirty clink of their glasses. Casey pulls away before the glasses touch and takes a big gulp of her cocktail.

AARONSo, since we’re already in this terribly uncomfortable place - is there anything else I should know about you before we continue with this date? Any weird fetishes? Diseases? Black sheep family members? I mean - I’ll be totally cool with it, I promise.

CASEYWell, now that you mention it, I guess there is one thing I should tell you about...

AARONOh, yeah? Lay it on me...

CASEYI have a four year-old son, Blaze.

Instantly, a puppet version of a little boy POPS UP next to Casey. (Note: Aaron is the only one who sees this puppet.)

BLAZEHello!

Aaron’s face drops.

AARONYou do?

CASEYYeah. He’s the best. Just the little light of my life.

AARONHuh. Wow. Blaze. Oh-kay...

Blaze reaches for some nuts on the bar counter. But he misses, knocking the whole tray over and making a mess.

AARONSo, uhh, who’s the father?

CASEYI’m not entirely sure...

AARONYou’re not?

29.

As Casey continues to talk, the Blaze puppet starts studying Aaron intensely.

CASEYNo, I mean, I know it’s definitely one of, like two or three people. I figure at some point we can always do DNA testing, right? But only if Blaze absolutely feels like he just has to meet his birth father...

BLAZE(to Aaron)

Are you my daddy?

Blaze plops down onto Aaron’s lap. Aaron tries to keep it cool as he continues talking to Casey.

AARONYeah, no, that sounds good... So, what’s he like?

CASEYOh, he’s a very energetic, active, hyper kid. And he hasn’t been officially diagnosed yet. But we think he might have ADD.

Blaze starts climbing all over Aaron.

BLAZEI like baseball and basketball and soccer and drawing and chocolate and Elmo and airplanes and french fries and video games and --

AARONWell, you must really have your hands full...

Blaze now climbs onto Aaron’s head.

CASEYI do. But you know what? No matter how much he kicks and screams and bites--

Blaze bites Aaron’s head.

CASEY-- oh does he love to bite - and cries and fights me on every... single... thing.

Blaze starts hitting Aaron on the head repeatedly.

CASEYAt the end of the day, when I’m sitting there breast-feeding...

30.

Blaze quickly jumps from Aaron’s head directly onto Casey’s nipple. (Over the shirt...) He is suddenly totally and completely calm...

CASEYAnd he looks up at me... with my nipple in his cute, little mouth--

AARONYou still breast-feed your four-year-old?

Blaze un-puckers from Casey’s chest, nods at Aaron, then goes right back to sucking.

CASEYOf course! It really helps with the mother-son bond. Point is - I wouldn’t change it for the world...

AARONWell, that’s great. I’m really happy for you two... Kinda surprised Kevin neglected to mention it to me, but--

Blaze gently caresses his mom’s cheek as he continues to breast-feed.

CASEYOh, and Aaron? There’s just one more thing you should know about Blaze...

AARON(weakly)

Really? Something else?

CASEYHe doesn’t exist. I’m just messing with you.

Blaze instantly drops out of sight.

AARONThank God - ‘cause I’m not ready to deal with kids. Like - at all.

Casey looks at Aaron - disappointed.

CASEYHe’s real.

AARON(extremely awkward)

Oh, then, uhh...

A long beat. Then:

31.

CASEYI’m just kidding!

Casey busts up laughing.

AARONWhy would you do that to me?!

CASEYOh, c’mon! It was funny. Wasn’t it?

Just then Casey’s know-it-all, super type-A, pull no punches, older sister, LAUREN, pops up from another table. Aaron goes into a freeze.

LAURENYeah, super funny. Really got him there. Kudos, sis!

CASEYUchh, Lauren, what do you want?!

LAURENOh, I don’t know. Maybe to help you get married. Or, at least asked out on a second date. I really don’t get it, Case. Why do you insist on being so--

CASEYDaring, bold and delightfully controversial?

LAURENI was going to say “harsh, guarded and slightly confrontational.” But - you know. Six of one...

CASEYI can’t help it. It’s just who I am.

LAURENThat’s cute. But you know what else you can’t help?

Lauren points upward. Just then, a loud BOOMING, ECHOEY TICKING CLOCK STARTS TICKING THROUGHOUT THE THEATRE.

LAURENYour biological clock! And if you listen real close, do you hear what it’s saying?

(a beat, then)STOP FUCKING AROUND!

Lauren makes a swiping gesture. The clock stops.

32.

CASEYThat’s not fair! You know I’ve been trying.

LAURENNo, you haven’t. This is all a game to you. A sport. You’re not looking for “the one.” You’re just looking for new ways to amuse yourself at other people’s expense.

CASEYWell, maybe we can’t all be like you. Maybe we don’t all find the “perfect man” in college. And settle down at twenty-fucking-four in Connecticut!

LAURENThat’s hurtful. We didn’t get our first house in Westport till I was twenty-eight and you know it!

(then; calming down)Just do me a favor. Work a little harder with this guy. ‘Cause Kevin really likes him. And it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if you dated someone nice for once...

CASEY(reluctant)

Fine.

Lauren sits back down. Aaron comes out of his freeze.

AARONYou know what? I think I need another beer.

(then; to waiter)Can I get another beer please?

Casey tries to warm up a little.

CASEYUh oh. Did my menace of an imaginary child force you to start drinking again? He does have that effect on people.

AARONI’m sure he does. ‘Cause I was this close to driving my imaginary mini-van off a very steep cliff.

Casey laughs.

CASEYListen, Aaron. Don’t feel bad. I totally get why Blaze would scare you off. I mean, we’re not all meant to be breeders. Nothing says we have to have children. Am I right?

AARON(uh oh)

You don’t want to have children?

33.

Casey realizes she just stepped in it.

CASEYUhh, no. I do. Definitely. Litters of ‘em. Someday.

AARONMe, too! I want to have a very big family. Just not yet. But, c’mon - can’t you picture a bunch of little Aarons running around? Giving goofy handshakes.

Casey laughs.

CASEYYeah, I could see that. All in their little suits.

AARONYou know, it’s funny. My ex always used to say to me--

Suddenly, at one of the other tables behind Casey, another patron quickly pops up. This is GABE, Aaron’s sorta-schlubby, but extremely confident best friend. Casey freezes.

GABEOh, no you don’t.

AARONNo, I don’t... what?

GABEDude, duuuuuude. We’ve been over this like a hundred times. You never, ever bring up on your ex on a first date.

AARONWhy not, Gabe? Allison was such a huge part of my life and--

ALLISON-- there’s just no way to exclude me from the conversation.

Both Aaron and Gabe look over to see ALLISON - an Upper East Side, high-maintenance, put-together JAP, sitting at another table. She waves at Aaron.

GABENo, no, NO! What is she doing here? Get her out of your head, Aaron! I’m begging you! This is not the time to be thinking about Allison.

ALLISONGuess he can’t help himself, Gabe. I’m simply too wonderful.

34.

AARONShe really is.

Aaron looks back at Allison. She smiles at him as her hair blows in the wind. He is transfixed. Which triggers:

MUSIC CUE: ALLISON’S THEME #1

ALLISONYOU LOOK BUFF,YOU'VE BEEN WORKING OUT, BABE.ALL YOUR HOTNESS IS MAKING ME WEAK.LOVE THE HAIRCUT,I LOVE THE SUIT.YOU'RE A WALKING EXAMPLE OF "CHIC."YOU'RE THE HANDSOMEST MAN IN THIS RESTAURANT,LIKE A MODEL RIGHT OUT OF GQ.YOU ARE ALSO THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVERSO RIP OFF MY CLOTHESSPREAD MY LEGSHAVE YOUR WAY WITH MEOH, HOW I CRAVE YOUR--

Gabe cuts her off, breaking Aaron’s reverie.

GABECut the crap! “Rip off my clothes?” “Have your way with me?” That is not what Allison would say and you know it. Now be honest with yourself. What did she really say to you?

AARONYou mean, like... in the bedroom?

(off Gabe’s nod)Well, I guess it went something more like this.

The lights instantly go BLACK in the theatre. The audience only hears the conversation. This should all be played very real.

ALLISON (IN BLACK)Eww, Aaron. What are you doing? Are you actually trying to have sex with me right now?

AARON (IN BLACK)Yeah, kinda. Do you mind?

ALLISON (IN BLACK)I don’t feel like it. Plus, I think I’m having some sort of weird allergic reaction to something I ate at dinner.

35.

AARON (IN BLACK)Come on, Allison! We haven’t done it in weeks! It’s not fair!

(a beat)Where are you going? I thought we were talking...

Just then - we hear the SOUND of a vibrator being turned on.

AARON (IN BLACK)(pleasantly surprised)

Oh. Well, that could work, too. Whatever gets you in the mood. Just so you know, I’m happy to lend a hand if you... want me to...

Gabe claps two times (like he’s turning on “The Clapper.”) The lights come back on revealing - Allison brushing her teeth with an ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH. That’s the sound we were hearing. Gabe stares at Aaron.

GABEYou thought she was--

Aaron sadly nods.

GABEBut she wasn’t, was she?

AARON(defeated)

Not even close...

GABEYou see, Aaron? The real Allison is not the way you choose to remember her. She is a frigid, conniving wench that you need to permanently erase from your thoughts so you can finally move on.

AARONOkay, fine. I can get Allison out of my head. No big deal...

Aaron gently places Allison back down in her seat. He turns to Gabe.

AARONThere - she’s gone. Happy? Now, what am I supposed to do about my date, because--

GABEThankfully, you’ve got your best friend here to help you through this. Now, Aaron, look at me. Do I get ass?

36.

GABE AND AARONYes!

AARONIt’s one of life’s great mysteries. And it both disgusts and fascinates me every time it actually works - but...

(not wanting to admit it)Yes - you get ass...

GABEAnd I’m going to help you get some, too. But only if you listen to your consigliere... So remember, you talk about the ex - you can forget about the sex. Got it?

Aaron nods. Casey comes out of her freeze.

CASEYYour ex always used to say to you... what?

AARONOh, not much. Nothing at all actually. She was... mute.

(off Gabe’s WTF)Can we talk about something else?

CASEYAbsolutely! Let’s re-focus...

Casey looks to Lauren for support. Then:

CASEYNow, I know men looove to talk about work. So, why don’t you regale me with stories and delightful anecdotes about that.

AARON(suddenly cocky)

No problem-o. What would you like to know?

CASEYWell, what is it that you do exactly?

AARON(almost seductive)

Investment banking. Corporate finance. And occasionally I toy around with mergers and acquisitions.

CASEYMmm. Sounds... riveting.

The waiter returns with Aaron’s beer.

WAITERThere you go.

37.

AARONThanks.

The waiter takes off.

AARONOkay, so maybe it’s not the most sexy or fascinating job on the planet. But, it pays the bills.

CASEYYes, but does it fulfill your soul?

AARONIt fulfills my sole... purpose of making money.

Casey rolls her eyes.

CASEYOh, so you’re one of those, are you? Is that what it’s all about for you? The cash-ola?

AARONIs is for now. What’s it all about for you? I think Kevin told me you work at an art gallery? Was that really your lifelong ambition?

CASEYNo. But at least it’s creative. And it’s a good place for me to study my craft...

AARONWhich is?

CASEYPhotography...

AARONOh. You’re a photographer?

CASEY(uncomfortable and cryptic)

Yes. No. Sort of... I mean, I dabble. Used to dabble... I own a camera...

AARONAnd what sort of things do you do at the gallery? Do you pick out all the pieces yourself?

CASEYSometimes. Why?

AARONOnly because I thought that whole Damien Hirst exhibit was awesome.

38.

CASEYThanks.

(then; suspicious)Wait a minute. How’d you know about that?

AARONI... might have done some research online before our date.

CASEYYou googled me?

AARONYes, I googled you. I had to know at least a little bit of what I was getting into before meeting you...

CASEYAnd what else did you find out?

MUSIC CUE: THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER

Just then, the room goes dark and all the lights in the restaurant start flashing on-and-off in different “computer-like colors.” We also HEAR the sounds of various computer BEEPS and MODEMS. Reveal a very theatrical-type woman. This is GOOGLE LADY.

GOOGLE LADYWhat didn’t he find out?

CASEYOh, no. Google? Is that you - again? Why do you always have to ruin everything?

GOOGLE LADYBecause I’m the world’s number one search engine, that’s why. And Casey...

(sings)YOU KNOW EXACTLY ALL THAT HE UNCOVEREDYOUR DIRTY SECRETS AREN'T SAFE WITH ME.MISTAKES THAT WOULD BE BETTER UNDISCOVEREDI DISPLAY THEM ALL FOR ALL TO SEE.LIKE THAT TIME THAT YOU WERE THROWN OUT OF THE GIRL SCOUTSOR HAD A CRAZY THREE-WAY IN A CHURCH...AND THAT NIGHT THAT YOU GOT CAUGHT,WITH A HALF A BRICK OF POT...IT'S ALL THERE WHEN YOU CLICK “SEARCH”...

A big painting on the wall of the restaurant drops down revealing a large photo of Casey’s unflattering mug shot.

39.

GOOGLE LADYAND YOU CAN'T ERASE ITYOU CAN'T SUPPRESSALL THE INFORMATIONTHAT MY SERVERS POSSESSTHERE'S A LITTLE SAYINGTHAT I HOLD DEAR“THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER”SO YOU'VE EVERYTHING TO FEAR.

Casey takes her iPhone out of her purse.

AARON(concerned)

What are you doing?

CASEYWell, if you google’d me, I think it’s only fair I google you right back. Don’t you?

AARON(suddenly concerned)

No. Not at all. I mean, you can’t believe everything you read on the Internet...

GOOGLE LADY(turning to Aaron)

Uh-oh, buddy. You’re in big trouble. She’s pulling up all sorts of web pages here. Look out - ‘cause here they come!

As she starts calling out the different sites’ names, the other restaurant patrons stand up (or come out) from wherever they are - and tear off their tops - revealing t-shirts with their website’s logo on them.

GOOGLE LADYTwitter!

TWITTERTHOSE TWEETS YOU TWEETED AFTER YOUR BIG BREAKUP.

GOOGLE LADYFacebook!

FACEBOOKYOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS CAP OUT AT FIFTY-FOUR!

GOOGLE LADYYouTube!

40.

YOUTUBETHAT MOVIE OF YOU IN A DRESS AND MAKEUP

AARONAw, geez...

YOUTUBEHUMPING AN INFLATED DINOSAUR.

AARONIt was a fraternity hazing ritual!

GOOGLE LADYeBay!

EBAYTHAT JUSTIN BIEBER AUTOGRAPH YOU BID ON.

AARONFor my niece!

GOOGLE LADYOR HOW YOU WERE ACCUSED OF HOMICIDE!

AARONOh, come on! That was another Aaron Goldfarb!

GOOGLE LADYALL THE WORLD WILL ALWAYS KNOWHOW YOU HAD A BIG JEW FRO!

Someone shuts the blinds on the restaurant door, revealing (in the slits of the blinds) a class PHOTO of an awkward YOUNG AARON - with a ginormous head of hair.

GOOGLE LADYYOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE...

AARONIt wasn’t that bad!

EVERYONE'CAUSE YOU CAN'T ERASE ITYOU CAN'T SUPPRESSALL THE INFORMATIONTHAT OUR SERVERS POSSESS

GOOGLE LADYTHERE'S NO HITTING BACKSPACENO SECOND CHANCE

41.

EVERYONETHE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER,

GOOGLE LADYTHREATENING ANY SHOT AT ROMANCE.

Aaron now takes out his iPhone.

AARONOkay, hotshot. Clearly I didn’t search hard enough the first time. Let’s see what other dirt I can find on you...

The websites sit down at various tables and each lift up portions of their table tops. Each one revealing laptops embedded in the tables. (Dueling laptops at each table...) They all do a synchronized keyboard typing dance - meant to approximate a “tapping” interlude in the song... They sing as they look at their keyboards.

EVERYONEOH MY!THAT'S BAD!HOW EMBARRASSING!

The music stops for a beat.

CASEYYou want a war, kid? You just got one...

The music starts again.

EVERYONEOH WOWNO WAYYOU DID THAT?!THIS CAN'T BE YOUAWKWARDWHAT WERE YOU THINKING?PERVERT.

YOU CAN'T ESCAPE USWE ARE ALWAYS THERE.

GOOGLE LADYWATCHING AND WAITING,AND SOMETIMES MISSTATINGTHE TRUTH, THUS NEGATINGYOUR CHANCES OF MATING.NO POINT IN DEBATING'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN CREATING

42.

A HELL UNABATINGFOR ANYONE DATING...

EVERYONEOH, YOU CAN'T DELETEALL THE CRAP YOU'VE DONEIT'S MAN VERSUS THE INTERNET AND GUESS WHO HAS WON!

GOOGLE LADYSO REMEMBER WHEN YOU SKYPEIN THE NUDE...

EVERYONETHE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER

GOOGLE LADYForever!

EVERYONETHE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVERTHE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVERTAKE NOTE, OR YOU'RE TOTALLY SCREWED YOU’RE REALLY SCREWED!

AARONCan we please just call a truce?

CASEYDefinitely.

The music ends as the patrons quickly throw back on their clothes, slam down their laptops creating tabletops again, and go back to eating as normal. (The painting also comes back up on the wall and the waiter opens the blinds again.)

They both put away their phones.

AARONI gotta say - I know the Internet’s supposed to be this great way to “connect” people or whatever. But I think it’s doing the opposite. Especially when it comes to dating...

CASEYI agree! I mean, you can pretty much find out everything you could ever possibly want to know about somebody before even meeting them. What fun is that?

AARONYeah, it’s like you make all these unfair judgments without ever seeing the person face-to-face.

43.

CASEYOr experiencing what it’s like to interact with them.

AARONTo hear their voice...

CASEYAnd, God forbid, maybe even touch them...

Casey reaches out her arm and touches Aaron’s hand. The moment doesn’t go unnoticed by Aaron. Just then, the waiter comes back over.

WAITERHow we doin’ over here?

AARON(slightly raised voice)

Great! We’re doing great.

Casey takes her hand off of Aaron’s.

WAITERCan I get you guys anything else? Maybe some food? We have a stellar menu.

Aaron looks to Casey.

AARONYou know what? I’m actually kinda starving right now. Do you want to...?

CASEYUhh, yeah. Sure. I could eat something.

WAITERRight this way...

The waiter pulls out Casey’s bar stool and starts escorting them over to their table. As he does, Lauren falls in step with Casey.

LAURENWould you please explain to me that hand move?

GABEDude, I can’t believe it! She totally put her hand on you!

CASEY(to Lauren)

What - that?! That was nothing.

44.

AARON(to Gabe)

Yes, I’m aware. I’m trying not to make a big deal about it.

LAURENLook at me - Case. Now do you want to find something genuine and meaningful like I have with Kevin, or not?

CASEYUhh, sure. I mean - in theory... maybe not quite what you have, but--

LAURENThen you gotta start playing it slow. ‘Cause landing a quality guy is a marathon. Not a sprint to Fuck County.

Lauren pulls out the chair for Casey and she sits. At the same time, Aaron heads to the table when Gabe falls in step with him.

GABEWell, whatever it is you’re doing - keep doing it. ‘Cause you might actually have a chance with this one.

(off Aaron’s look)I know. I’m as shocked as you are...

Aaron takes a deep breath and smiles at Casey. Gabe pulls out the chair for him. Aaron sits. The waiter hands Casey and Aaron menus.

WAITERHere you go.

The waiter takes off. Aaron and Casey start to peruse the menus. Gabe and Lauren read them over their shoulders.

AARON(re: menu)

What are you thinking?

CASEYI’m not sure. The chargrilled burger with Roquefort cheese and shoestring french fries sounds pretty amazing...

LAURENIt sure does. If you’re trying to make weight right before a big sumo wrestling competition. But not on a first date...

CASEYWhy not? It shows him that I’m confident with my body and that I don’t have any weird eating issues.

45.

LAURENNo. It shows him that you have an unusually healthy appetite. And that one day this is all going to go away and you’re gonna end up on “The Biggest Loser - “Gee, I Wonder Why I’m Still Single” Edition.

CASEYThat’s ridiculous. Guys don’t think like that. I’m getting the burger.

(to Aaron)What are you going to get?

AARONI was thinking maybe the chopped salad.

GABENo. Fuck you. You’re not getting that.

AARONWhy? What’s the big deal?

GABESalads are for pussies. You’re getting the burger. Rare.

AARONBut... I want a salad.

GABEAnd I want Megan Fox. But you know how I’m not getting her? By ordering a “sissy salad with my balls on the side” on our very first date...

AARONYou’re insane. I’m not listening to you. I want a chopped salad. I’m getting the chopped salad.

The waiter comes back to the table.

WAITERMade any decisions?

CASEY(instantly)

I’ll have the chopped salad please.

AARON(quickly)

And I’ll have the burger.

WAITERComing right up...

46.

The waiter grabs the menus and leaves. A satisfied Gabe and Lauren head back to their table. Aaron looks over at Casey.

AARONWhat happened? I thought you were gonna get the burger. You didn’t just order the salad for my benefit, did you?

CASEY(caught)

No. ‘Course not. Why would I do that?

AARONWell, you know, a lot of girls think they have to eat a salad on a first date - to show a guy that they care about their body or whatever, which I think is completely ridiculous.

CASEYYou do?

AARONPersonally, I’d rather a girl order some meat and potatoes. Really get in there. But that’s just my preference.

CASEYAre you trying to tell me you don’t care about how a girl looks?

AARONNot really, no. I’d just rather she was happy.

CASEY(dubious)

For real?

AARONHonestly. I mean it. At the end of the day, looks go. But if you have things in common, and can still make each other laugh, that’s what really matters.

Just then, TWO EDGY LOOKING GUYS appear behind Aaron. He freezes.

MUSIC CUE: THAT’S WHY YOU LOVE ME

EDGY ROCKER GUYYou have got to be kidding me.

EDGY BRITISH GUYYou’re not really gonna fall for this bollocks, are you?

CASEYC’mon, guys! You have no right to get in the middle of this.

47.

EDGY BRITISH GUYWe have every right to get in the middle of this.

EDGY ROCKER GUYWe’re your past...

EDGY BRITISH GUYAnd your future, love...

CASEYLook. You guys satisfied a very specific need at a very specific time in my life. But thankfully, that phase is over.

EDGY ROCKER GUYYou only think it’s over.

EDGY BRITISH GUYYou like bad boys, Casey. Not--

(re: Aaron)-- this. It’s who you are.

EDGY ROCKER GUYWhy fight it?

The two bad boys reach for bottles on the restaurant’s wine rack. When they grab off the tops - they actually become microphones. As they sing, the restaurant turns into a full-on stadium rock concert. Smoke, flashing lights, pyrotechnics - the works. It would also be great to hint at an arena filled with people with projections...

EDGY ROCKER GUYI NEVER OPEN UP YOUR DOORI NEVER SHOWER YOU WITH PRAISEWHEN YOU CALL OR TEXT MY PHONEI DON'T REPLY TO YOU FOR DAYS.I CAN'T HOLD DOWN A JOBI FAILED MY G.E.D.I'M ANGRY THEN INDIFFERENTAND BABE, OOOH BABE,THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.

EDGY BRITISH GUYI TAKE YOU OUT TO AWESOME MEALSBUT CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY THE CHECKSI WILL PLEDGE ETERNAL LOVETHEN LEAVE YOUR PLACE RIGHT AFTER SEX.I ALWAYS SAY I'M BOOKEDIN TRUTH, I'M USUALLY FREEI CANCELED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY

48.

AND BABE, OOOH BABE,THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.

EDGY ROCKER GUYTHAT’S WHY YOU LOVE ME.

BOTHTHAT’S WHY YOU LOVE ME.

As they continue to sing, it’s clear that some of their words are actually getting through to Casey. Try as she might to fight it - it’s no use. She just can’t resist these guys.

EDGY BRITISH GUYYOU LOVE HOW I KEEP YOU GUESSINGIF I'M INTERESTED OR NOT

EDGY ROCKER GUYAND HOW I TELL YOUR MOTHERTHAT SHE IS SUPER-FRICKIN' HOT

BOTHHOW I COVER UP MY LIESBY SAYIN' I'M HANGIN' WITH THE GUYS.

EDGY BRITISH GUYNO ONE'LL TREAT YOU HALF AS NICE

EDGY ROCKER GUYI ONLY CHEATED ON YOU TWICE...

The two guys throw Casey down onto a chair in the middle of the room and proceed to sing to and around her.

BOTHYOU'VE GOT NO CHOICE, YOU KNOW YOU'RE HOOKED

EDGY BRITISH GUYYOU’RE HOOKED

EDGY ROCKER GUYYOU GAVE IT UP ON OUR FIRST DATE

EDGY BRITISH GUYOH YEAH!

EDGY ROCKER GUYAFTER I TOLD YOU YOU LOOKED FINEBUT HAD TO LOSE A LITTLE WEIGHT.

49.

EDGY BRITISH GUYONLY TEN POUNDS

BOTHI'M BOUND TO DISAPPOINTI'M SURE THAT YOU'D AGREE

EDGY BRITISH GUYI'M SNOTTY AND NEGLECTFUL

EDGY ROCKER GUYI'M NASTY AND SELF-SERVING

BOTHI’VE GOT A GIANT PENISAND BABE, OOOH, BABE

The guys start to escort Casey back to her chair at the table with Aaron.

BOTHTHAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.

EDGY ROCKER GUYOH, YEAH!

BOTHTHAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME!

They place Casey back down at the table and start to head off. The concert vibe instantly stops and the restaurant becomes just a restaurant again. Casey’s clearly been taken by the memory of her exes and doesn’t want to see them go.

CASEYWait! Don’t leave. You have no idea how much I miss the smell of cigarettes and apathy...

But the bad boys are already gone. Casey forces herself to turn back to Aaron. She looks at him and lets out a defeated SIGH. He comes out of his freeze.

CASEYSo, Aaron, tell me - have you ever been arrested?

AARONI’m sorry?

50.

CASEYDone any jail time? I’ll even count juvie. I’m not picky.

AARONNope. No jail time here. Although I did visit Alcatraz once...

CASEYHow about drugs? Ecstasy? Cocaine? Methamphetamines? Ever had what some might label “a problem?”

AARONI tried mushrooms one night in college... accidentally. Does that count?

CASEYWhat about any random piercings? Tattoos? I’ll settle for henna...

AARONOkay, Casey, I think I’m a little confused. Where are all these questions coming from?

CASEYLook, Aaron. The thing is - you seem like a really sweet, really put together guy... but, if I’m being honest, I’m normally more attracted to bad boys.

Aaron takes a moment to process this. Gabe quickly pops up from his table.

AARONOkay. And I guess that means you think that I’m--

CASEY-- not a bad boy. Which is totally fine! You are who you are. It’s just not normally what I go for..

Lauren now stands up at her table.

LAURENI can’t believe you’re saying this to him! Why are you saying this to him?!

CASEYI’m sorry, Lauren. It’s just how I feel...

Lauren sits back down, disappointed. Aaron realizes in order to salvage this date he needs to change tacts - fast.

AARONWell, Casey, it’s sweet that you think that about me. But you’re actually very, very wrong.

51.

CASEYI am?

AARON(re: his whole look)

See - this? This whole thing is all just a cover. A lie. A fabricated “banker” type character, designed to lure in a certain kind of lady. But the real me - nothing like this.

Aaron takes off his glasses and throws them on the table to prove his point.

CASEY(not buying it)

Oh, I see. And the real you - he’s more of a bad boy?

AARONI would say that he is.

Aaron reaches for his beer, but misses, since he can no longer see it on the table. He tries to recover - but it’s not smooth.

CASEYWhat kind of bad boy?

Just then, Casey’s cell phone RINGS.

AARONOh, look at that. Saved by the bell. Why don’t you just go and answer that?

CASEYNo, I think I’d rather stay focused on this.

AARONYou sure. ‘Cause I got no problem with you getting your phone.

CASEYYeah, see, that’s what this amazing new invention called “voicemail’s” for... Now, you were saying?

Reggie stands up from the table and returns to the same position onstage where he made the first phone call to Casey.

CASEY’S VOICE(unenthused)

Hey, it’s Casey. Blah blah blah blah blah...

Voicemail BEEP.

52.

MUSIC CUE: BAILOUT SONG #2

REGGIETHIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIEYOUR BAILOUT, HONEYI'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT.AND I'M GETTING YOUR VOICEMAIL ONCE AGAINWHAT'S THE DEAL? I MEAN, REALLY.CALL ME BACK BECAUSE I'M BOREDAND I'M FEELING TOTES IGNORED.LATER, SLUT.

Reggie dramatically sits back down. We focus back on Aaron and Casey.

AARON... And I haven’t paid a single one of those parking tickets! And I’m not going to! I mean, there’s probably a warrant out for my arrest in Connecticut at this very moment! And I don’t even care. That’s how bad I am!

CASEYAnd that’s really sweet, but... I don’t want you to be someone you’re not. So, maybe, before this date goes any further, we should just agree that this... isn’t a love connection.

AARON(thrown)

Oh. Uhm, all right--

CASEYLook, I think you’re really nice. And I’m sure there’s a girl out there who’s absolutely perfect for you.

(then; definitively)I guess what I’m trying to say is... I really want to be your friend.

MUSIC CUE: YOUR FRIEND

Casey goes into a freeze as ominous church bells start to RING in a slow, dirge-like fashion. BONG! BONG! BONG! Very solemnly, the male patrons and the waiter start singing to Aaron.

MALE PATRONS AND WAITERYOUR FRIEND! (BONG)YOUR FRIEND! (BONG)SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIENDIT'S THE WORST THING THAT A GUY HEARS FROM A GAL.

FEMALE PATRONSLET’S JUST BE FRIENDS...

53.

MALE PATRONS AND WAITERNO GRUNTS, NO MOANSNO LATE NIGHT BOOTY-CALLINGYOU'RE JUST HER NEUTERED, SAD PLATONIC PAL!

FEMALE PATRONSMY BESTEST PAL!

Aaron cuts the singers off as Casey comes out of her freeze. The rest quickly go back to their seats.

AARONYou really want to be my... friend?

CASEYYes. I really want to be your friend.

AARON(slowly losing it)

Uh, okay. Well, thank you, Casey, for that offer. That’s definitely something to think about. I mean - who doesn’t want more friends?! ‘Cause, friends, you know, are really the flowers in the garden of life. So, let’s just plant that seed of friendship and see how it--

(then; needing to bail)I’m sorry. Will you excuse me for a second? I’m just gonna run to the bathroom and... try to drown myself in the urinal.

Aaron takes off. Lauren looks over at Casey from another table.

LAURENSo, tell me. How’s it feel being a relationship assassin?

CASEYPlease, Lauren, give it a rest.

LAURENI just don’t get it. You claim you want what Kevin and I have. But then when you actually find a guy who could give you all those same things - you totally sabotage it!

CASEYI know. I have a problem.

LAURENYou really do. What does your therapist say about this?

A warm, friendly, sensitive-looking man, puts on glasses and stands at another table.

54.

FRIENDLY THERAPISTHello, Casey.

The friendly therapist pulls out a chair at his table for Casey to sit at. She reluctantly comes over and sits down. He sits across from her, legs crossed, and pulls out a notepad.

CASEY(not wanting to be there)

Hello, doc. Always a pleasure.

FRIENDLY THERAPISTSo, the last time you were here, we were discussing your inability to “let people in.”

CASEY(slightly defensive)

No we weren’t. I don’t remember that...

FRIENDLY THERAPISTYou said, and I quote - “What’s the point of letting people in if they’re only going to disappoint you in the long run.”

CASEYOkay. I think it’s coming back to me now.

FRIENDLY THERAPISTGood. Now I know in the past we’ve talked about your fears of getting hurt... rejected... And how this fear has prevented you from doing many of the things you want to do in life...

CASEYYou’re referring to my photography, aren’t you?

FRIENDLY THERAPISTThat is one of the things on the list, yes.

CASEYYou have a whole list?!

FRIENDLY THERAPISTSo, I’d like to know where this all comes from.

MUSIC CUE: BUILD ANOTHER WALL

FRIENDLY THERAPISTCan we chat a bit about your relationship with your parents over the years? And how you think it’s impacted you?

CASEYI kinda wish we wouldn’t...

55.

FRIENDLY THERAPISTI kinda think we need to...

CASEY(defiant)

Fine...(sings)

MY MOM IS CRAZYMY MOM'S A NUTMY MOM'S UNHAPPYBUT IF YOU ASKED, SHE'D INSISTTHAT SHE'S ANYTHING BUT.MY MOM WILL ARGUEOVER NOTHING AT ALL.AND WHEN SHE HAS HER DAILY BREAKDOWNI AM ALWAYS HER FIRST CALLSHE BLAMES ME FOR THE PROBLEMSTHAT HER MEDS CAN'T SEEM TO FIXSHE SAYS I MAKE POOR CHOICESYET HER BOYFRIEND'S TWENTY-SIX...

SO I TRY TO BE STRONGOR ELSE HOW COULD I DEALWITH A LIFETIME OF THE ISSUES THROWN MY WAYTELL ME, IS IT SO WRONGTHAT I CONTINUALLY FEELTHE NEED TO BUILD ANOTHER WALLTO MAKE SURE THAT I'M OKAY?

Casey stops singing and starts heading out the door.

CASEYOkay, good session. Really flew by. Too bad our time’s up.

FRIENDLY THERAPISTWe still have forty-three minutes. Please, keep going...

CASEY(annoyed)

MY DAD'S A STRANGERABANDONED OUR LIFEHE MOVED TO GEORGIAWHERE HE HAD TWO KIDSWITH HIS STEPFORD-LIKE WIFE.EACH YEAR AT CHRISTMASHE WILL SEND ME A CARDWITH A SMILING FAMILY PHOTOIN THEIR PICKET FENCE FRONT YARDHIS ARM AROUND HIS DAUGHTERAND HIS SON UPON HIS KNEEHOW NICE THAT'S HE'S THE FATHERTHAT HE COULDN'T BE FOR ME

56.

BUT I'VE LEARNED HOW TO COPEYES, I'VE LEARNED TO IGNORE A CHILDHOOD THAT WAS LEFT IN DISARRAYWHEN IT'S POINTLESS TO HOPEYOU SIMPLY SHUT TIGHT THE DOORAND THEN YOU BUILD ANOTHER WALLTO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE OKAY.

AND I'D LIKE TO BE DIFFERENTI'D LIKE TO LET GOBUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO CHANGEMY PAST KEEPS SAYING “NO”‘CAUSE BUILDING WALLS IS EASIERTHAN LETTING YOUR TRUE FEELINGS SHOW...

AND THAT’S HOW I GET BYTHAT’S HOW I ENDURE:A HISTORY OF HEARTACHE ON DISPLAYI COULD BREAK DOWN AND CRYBUT INSTEAD I'M SECUREBECAUSE I BUILD ANOTHER WALL...AND I'M... OKAY.

A beat. Then:

LAURENPersonally, I think that’s just stupid. Because I had the exact same mom and dad growing up as you did, but I didn’t go around “building up walls” to protect myself.

CASEYNo, you just ran right into the arms of the first guy you met freshman year of college and never let go.

Lauren opens her mouth to offer her rebuttal, but realizes she has none. Casey turns her attention back to the therapist.

CASEYSo, doc. Be honest with me. What do you think of all that?

FRIENDLY THERAPISTI think... you should consider coming in twice a week instead of once.

LAURENThat’s what he said to you?!

Casey nods. The friendly therapist takes off. She starts heading back to her own table.

57.

LAURENWell, shit. This might be more complicated than I thought...

CASEYTell me about it...

Casey sits back down at her table. At the same time, her and Lauren both down the rest of their drinks. Aaron returns to the table.

CASEYAaaand... you’re back.

AARONNot for long. I think I’m just going to head out...

CASEYBut dinner hasn’t even come yet...

AARONYeah, I know, friend. But, it’s getting kinda late, friend. And--

CASEYOkay. So, you’re clearly a little mad at me right now.

AARONNo, I’m not mad at you, friend. Friends don’t get mad at friends, friend. I’m just in the process of adjusting to this newly formed friend... ship. And I think I’d prefer to do that alone. That’s all.

CASEY(indignant)

Okay, fine. Have it your way. Let’s get the check then.

AARONGreat. We finally found something we can agree on!

(then; looking around)Now, if only we could find that frickin’ waiter--

Just then, the waiter appears before the whole restaurant holding an old boombox.

WAITERGood evening, ladies and gentlemen. As some of the regulars here already know, I do a little writing and performing on the side...

(under his breath)Very little. It’s why I’ve been stuck in this rat-hole for over twenty years...

Polite laughter from the room.

58.

WAITERI’m just kidding. There are no rats.

(a beat)We used them all in the bolognese. But, if you’d all indulge me for just a few minutes, I thought I’d share my latest musical extravaganza with you.

(calling out)Hit the lights, Jorge!

The lights dim in the room creating a sense of mood lighting. But, it’s a little cheesy. Almost like lighting you’d see on a cruise ship.

The waiter presses PLAY on the boombox.

MUSIC CUE: I’D ORDER LOVE

WAITERThis goes out to all the lovers... and future lovers out there...

He looks right at Aaron and Casey. They get very self-conscious.

WAITERI’m looking at you table four...

CASEY(super embarrassed)

Oh my God.

(Note - as he sings, he will head into the restaurant and sing to different tables individually. When he gets to Casey and Aaron’s table, he lifts them out of their seats and basically forces them to slow dance along with the song. Although neither of them really wants to do this, they can’t really get out of it in the moment...)

WAITERI'VE MADE MY CAREER AS A WAITERAND MY JOB, WELL, IT NEVER GETS OLDI'VE SEEN ROMANCES BLOOMWILD AFFAIRS MEET THEIR DOOMEVERY NIGHT, SOME NEW SIGHT TO BEHOLD.

YET I FIND, AS I WAIT ON MY TABLESAND SERVE THEM THEIR BASKETS OF BREADI CAN'T HELP BUT THINKAS THEY PICK OUT A DRINKOF WHAT I WOULD ORDER INSTEAD...

59.

I'D ORDER LOVEDELICIOUS, WELL-SEASONED AND RAREI'D ORDER LOVEA BIG ENOUGH PORTION TO SHARE.BRING ME ALL OF THE HEARTACHE,A SMALL SIDE OF WOETHAT FLAVOR OF LONGINGTHAT I LONG TO KNOWI DON'T NEED A MENU,JUST SOMEONE TO CARE FOR MY HEARTYES, I'D ORDER LOVETHERE'S NO BETTER DISH TO START.

I'D ORDER LOVETHAT'S SPICY AND STEAMING AND HOTOH I'D ORDER LOVESO JUICY - IT JUST HITS THE SPOT.I CRAVE NIGHTS FULL OF PASSIONALL DRIZZLED WITH LUSTBREAKFAST IN BEDIS AN ABSOLUTE MUSTTHEN BRING ON THE MARRIAGE,BUT DON'T TOP IT OFF WITH DIVORCEYES, I'D ORDER LOVEIT'S THE VERY BEST SECOND COURSE.

I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS OBSERVINGLOVING COUPLES, ALL DREAMY AND SWEETFOR YEARS, I'VE BEEN PATIENTLY WAITINGWHEN'S IT GONNA BE MY TIME TO EAT?THIS LACK OF ATTENTION'S UNNERVINGI FEAR THAT I'M LOSING MY GRIPIF CUPID KEEPS UP THIS SUBSTANDARD SERVICE I'M SCREWING HIM OUT OF HIS TIP!HE DON'T GET NO TIP!

I'D ORDER LOVEAPPETIZER, MAIN COURSE AND DESSERTYES, I'D ORDER LOVEEVEN IF IT WAS PEPPERED WITH HURT'CAUSE AT LEAST I COULD SAVORTHE WAY THAT IT FEELSTO NOT EAT ALONEFOR EACH ONE OF MY MEALSTHERE'S A LOT ON THE MENU -I'D HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IF I COULDBUT I'D ORDER LOVE'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING ELSE ON EARTHTHAT TASTES SO GOOD!MMM, IT TASTES SO GOOD.OH SO VERY GOOD.SO GOOD, SO GOOD.

60.

The waiter finishes the song.

WAITERThank you, everybody. Thank you! I’m here all week, folks!

The waiter takes off with his boombox. Casey and Aaron pull apart from each other and sit back down. A beat.

AARONWell, that wasn’t too awkward. Kinda like when my dad chaperoned the Sock Hop in junior high and forced me to slow-dance with...

(grimacing at the thought)... him.

Casey laughs. It kinda breaks the tension between them.

AARONOh, you think that’s funny? Great. Glad I could amuse you... Maybe your new nickname for me should be “Friendo, the Clown.”

The waiter returns with two plates of food.

WAITERHere we go. One chopped salad for the lady. And one burger for the gentleman...

AARONThanks. But I don’t think we’re going to--

CASEYOkay, I think you’re being a little over-dramatic now. The food’s already here. We can still have one meal together.

AARONFine. One very quick meal.

The waiter puts down Aaron’s burger.

WAITERBon appetit.

The waiter takes off. They both start eating in silence for a moment, then:

AARONSo, BDS, tell me - what are we supposed to talk about now?

CASEYWhat do you mean?

61.

AARONWell, on your other blind dates, after you’ve destroyed their spirits, questioned your overall attraction to them and then let ‘em know in no uncertain terms, that they really don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hooking up with you - what do you usually talk about next - the weather?

CASEYAll right, look - the way I see it, you have two choices right now. You can either sit here and be “angry guy” for the rest of the meal. Or - you can turn that frown upside down and take advantage of this golden opportunity...

AARONUhh, which “golden opportunity” are we talking about exactly?

CASEYI apologize if my blunt honesty and obvious lack of tact upset you, Aaron. But the thing is, I know lots of single, eligible, attractive women. And if you play your cards right, I could be the one who sets you up with your soulmate.

A beat. Gabe can’t help but perk up.

GABEShe knows lots of single women?

AARONYou know lots of single women?

CASEYTons of ‘em. They’re crawling all over this city.

GABEGo on... I’m listening...

AARON(starting to come around)

Okay. I see where you’re going with this. Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way. I mean... we just met. There’s no history here. If it’s not you and me, it could be me and--

CASEY-- countless others.

Gabe excitedly mouths “countless others” then turns back around.

AARONFine. I’m game. Who do you have in mind?

CASEYWell, that depends. What’s your type?

62.

AARONOh, you know. Nothing too specific, just, I don’t know, maybe...

MUSIC CUE: ALLISON’S THEME #2

Allison quickly jumps up from her table behind Casey. She starts posing and modelling and showing off her curves. Aaron starts singing about her as he stares at her.

AARONFIVE FOOT FOUR WITH A CREAM COMPLEXION,HAZEL EYES YOU GET LOST IN FOR DAYS.

Allison starts singing about herself now, too.

ALLISONCHESTNUT HAIR HALFWAY DOWN THE BACK,SLENDER FIGURE WITH BREASTS THAT AMAZE.

AARONJUST THE SLIGHTEST HINT OF A DIMPLE...

ALLISONPOUTY LIPS WITH A LILY WHITE SMILE

AARON AND ALLISONTINY BIRTHMARK BELOW THE RIGHT SHOULDER-

Gabe knows he has to cut this off immediately.

GABE- AND A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, DEMANDING, EMASCULATING,BALL-BUSTING BEAST FROM HELL.

This snaps Aaron out of his reverie.

GABEDidn’t I tell you to leave Allison out of this?

AARONYes. You’re right. Moment of weakness. Sorry. Won’t happen again.

Aaron looks back at Casey and realizes maybe he said too much...

AARONYou know what? Forget all that. I trust you. I’m not picky.

Allison and Gabe sit back down.

63.

CASEYOkay, so do you want a nice girl who you can bring home to Mom and Dad? Or maybe someone a bit more challenging and rebellious but who’s probably way more fun in the sack?

AARONI think Dad would probably be thrilled with either at this point.

CASEYAnd what about Mom?

AARONKinda hard to say.

CASEY(teasing)

Why? Will you always be her adorable widdle boy? And no girl will ever be good enough for her baby?

AARONNo, it’s not that. It’s just that--

CASEY-- she wants to keep you all for herself, huh?

AARON(matter of fact)

My mom’s dead, Casey. She passed away when I was in the tenth grade. And before that, she was so driven and career obsessed, I hardly ever saw her...

Casey is momentarily taken aback.

CASEYWow. I feel like a total asshole. I had no idea. I just assumed--

AARONThat I came from a perfect, white picket fence home? I know. I got that.

CASEYSo, how did she... I mean, do you mind talking about it?

AARONWell, it’s not really first date material...

(then; realizing)But, since we are no longer on a first date, I guess it’s ripe for discussion.

CASEYWhat happened?

64.

AARONWell, she was born with a defect in one of the valves in her heart. Most people can live with it their whole lives. But she had a very stressful, very demanding job at her law firm - which probably only made things worse. And by the time she started showing any symptoms at all, it was pretty severe. So, she had to go and get emergency surgery. But something went wrong during the-- why am I telling you all this?

CASEYBecause I’m a good listener. And even if you think I haven’t really shown it tonight, I’m really very sensitive.

(then)So, did you even get a chance to say good-bye?

AARONYeah, briefly. But it was before the surgery and things were rushed and we didn’t really know what was going to happen. But, here’s the crazy part. A couple days later I was going through my sock drawer, looking for just the “perfect pair” of socks to wear to the funeral, when...

A light shines down on the bar. There’s now a letter on top of it. Aaron notices the letter and walks over to it.

AARONI found a letter that she had written to me right before she went to the hospital.

Aaron picks up the letter and opens it - it’s as if he’s reliving the memory.

MUSIC CUE: THE THINGS I NEVER SAID

AARONI guess she thought there was a chance she might not be coming back. So she wanted to tell me a few things before she left...

CASEY(quietly)

What did the letter say?

AARONIT ISN'T EASY TO EXPRESSWHAT I FEEL INSIDEBUT THAT SHOULDN'T COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU

A backlit vision of AARON’S MOTHER appears behind him holding a piece of paper and a pen. She sings along with him as she writes the letter. She looks at him, but he doesn’t look at her.

65.

AARON’S MOTHER & AARONHAVEN'T BEEN THE PERFECT MOMBUT PLEASE KNOW THAT I TRIEDI DID THE BEST I COULDAND THAT'S THE BEST THAT I COULD DO.

AARON’S MOTHERNOW FACING A FUTURE THAT'S UNCERTAIN I CANNOT SAY WHAT LIES AHEADBUT I WON'T GIVE UP, I'LL FACE MY FEARSAND FIGHT BACK YEARS OF UNCRIED TEARSAND TELL YOU ALL THE THINGS I NEVER SAID.

AARONALL OF THE HOURS SPENT AT WORKCONSUMED WITH MY CAREER

AARON’S MOTHERI WOULDN'T BLAME YOU IF YOU THOUGHT I DIDN'T CARE.

AARONGRADUATIONS THAT I MISSEDALL THE GAMES I DIDN'T CHEER

AARON’S MOTHERI NEVER TOLD YOU THENBUT HOW I WANTED TO BE THERE.

AARON’S MOTHER & AARONAS THOUGHTS OF THE PAST RUN THROUGH MY MEM'RY,THE CHOICES I'VE MADE, THE LIFE I'VE LED

AARON’S MOTHERAN OFFICE ON THE HIGHEST FLOORIT MEANT SO MUCH, BUT YOU MEAN MORE

AARON’S MOTHER & AARONTHAT'S ONE OF MANY THINGS...

Aaron’s mother hands the letter to him. He takes it and starts reading from it without ever looking at her.

AARONSO MUCH IN MY LIFE I TOOK FOR GRANTEDLIKE TUCKING MY CHILDREN INTO BED.

AARON’S MOTHERMY WORLD WAS ALWAYS SPINNING FASTTHEN IN AN INSTANT, YEARS HAD PASSEDAND HERE I SIT WITH SO MUCH LEFT UNSAID...

AARON’S MOTHER & AARONI'VE ALWAYS LIVED A WORLD APART

66.

AARON’S MOTHERBUT THROUGH IT ALL, YOU WERE MY HEART

AARON’S MOTHER & AARONTHAT'S ONE OF MANY THINGS,OF OH SO MANY THINGS...

AARON...I NEVER SAID.

Aaron’s mother recedes into the background. Aaron carefully puts the letter into his jacket pocket. He returns to the table.

AARONI don’t want to make the same mistakes my mom did, Casey. I won’t make the same mistakes she did.

CASEYBut what about this whole get-up... and all your hard work... Sounds like you’re doing the exact same thing...

AARONNo. I don’t care about any of that. It’s just my job - it’s not... me. I’m just trying to make as much money as I can now, so I won’t have to miss out on things later.

Casey is touched and isn’t sure exactly how to respond. And she doesn’t need to. Just then, her phone RINGS.

AARONWow. You are very popular tonight. Do you want to--

CASEY(mesmerized)

No. Not at all...

Casey continues staring at Aaron as Reggie takes his usual place on the stage.

CASEY’S VOICE(unenthused)

Hey, it’s Casey. Blah blah blah blah blah...

Voicemail BEEP.

MUSIC CUE: BAILOUT SONG #3

REGGIETHIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIEYOUR BAILOUT, HONEY

67.

I'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT.AND YOU STILL AREN'T ANSWERIN’ YOUR PHONENOW I'M PISSED, I MEAN REALLY--

(speaks)Wait! Hold on! Stop the music! I said - STOP! I don’t want to sing anymore.

The music stops cold. Reggie still talks into the phone.

REGGIEOkay, seriously, bitch. What’s the deal? ‘Cause this is like my third unreturned phone call tonight. Which is really starting to make me feel desperate. And Reggie doesn’t do desperate.

(spiraling)I mean, for real, Casey? One date - and you’re already dumping me for him?! Well, I just can't be taken advantage of like this any longer. It’s too painful. So, good luck to you and your new husband. I wish you both a lifetime of happiness.

(then; change of heart)No, I don't. I take that back. I hope you both burn in hell.

(then; worried)Unless you’re already dead. Are you dead? Oh my God, you’re totally dead and he’s making a dress out of your skin at this very moment and you’re never even gonna get this voicemail!

(then; determined)That’s it, Case. I’m coming to the rescue. Now, what was the name of that restaurant again? I know you told me... Okay, you know what? Don’t worry about it - I’ll figure it out...

(finally)Later, skank.

Reggie takes off. We go back to Casey and Aaron.

AARONOkay, can you stop staring at me with your mouth hung open like that?! You’re starting to make me feel like some sort of freak.

CASEYNo, it’s just... I’m rarely surprised by somebody. And you totally just surprised me.

AARONWhy, ‘cause my mom died? ‘Cause believe me - that’s nothing. Wait till you hear about my nudist Uncle Harry and my “poly-amorous” cousin - Dana. Now, those are some stories.

Casey laughs.

CASEYI’m surprised, Aaron... by how honest and open you just were. Most people put walls up and... aren’t like that.

68.

AARONHey. I told you when I first walked in I was an open book. I wasn’t lying.

(then)How’s your salad?

CASEYGood. Want a bite?

AARONSure. You want a bite of this?

Casey nods. They each take a bite of each other’s food.

CASEYMmm. That’s delicious.

AARONMan, that’s good.

AARONWant to... maybe... do a little swapsies?

CASEYI’m game if you are.

Aaron quickly switches their two plates. Casey laughs. As Aaron goes to take a bite of the salad, he freezes. Casey turns out to the audience. A spotlight comes up, only on her.

CASEYOkay, am I going crazy? ‘Cause I think, maybe, I’m kinda sorta starting to dig this guy. And don’t say it’s ‘cause he played the “dead mom” card, ‘cause I really don’t think that’s it. I mean, and believe me, I’m starting to puke in my mouth as I say this, but I actually think...

(not wanting to say it).... he has a good heart. And despite his obvious lack of “bad boy” standing, there’s a definite charm and strangely attractive quality to him. Is it possible that I might actually be, just a tiny little bit, in a roundabout sort of way... into him?

Aaron unfreezes and takes his bite of food. Then:

AARONSo? Tell me. I’m waiting. Is anybody springing to mind?

CASEYFor... what?

69.

AARONTo set me up with? Any lady out there matching my detailed and rather challenging list of requirements?

CASEYOh, right. That...

It’s clear Casey had kind of, momentarily, forgotten about this. She tries to get back into it - even though she really doesn’t want to set Aaron up with anybody else.

CASEYYeah, uhm, let me think. Well...

(shaking it off)... okay, there’s my friend, Nina.

AARONAnd what’s she like?

CASEYActress. A little cray-cray and all over the place, has a touch of the bi-polar in her... but really, very sweet...

AARONWell, with a recommendation like that... Who else you got?

CASEYOkay. Then there’s Trish. Super-cute. Super-clingy. Girl finds a guy and just holds on for dear life. Like a perky little barnacle. But, if you’re into that kind of thing...

AARONI think I’d prefer someone maybe just a bit more independent.

CASEYOh, wait a second, this could be good. I have this new friend, Allison...

AARON(gulp)

Allison?

CASEYYeah, she just got out of a relationship not too long ago, but she’s ready to date again.

Aaron’s face starts to drop.

AARON(dreading it)

What’s her last name?

70.

CASEY(trying to remember)

What is her last name? Allison... Allisonnnnnnn...

This is killing Aaron.

CASEYOh, I know! Allison Weaver.

AARONOh, thank God. You almost just gave me a heart attack there for the second time tonight.

Aaron takes a deep breath and a long sip of water.

CASEYWhy? What’s wrong? Do you know her?

AARONNo. I just thought for a minute you were gonna say someone else.

CASEYWho?

AARONAllison...

Gabe suddenly jumps up from his seat.

GABEAaron, I want you to think very carefully before you do this...

AARON(ignoring)

Zimmerman.

Gabe crashes to the floor - defeated.

CASEYWho’s Allison Zimmerman?

Allison suddenly perks up in her seat.

ALLISON(direct; stand-off-ish)

Yeah, Aaron. Who’s Allison Zimmerman?

AARONOh, no one special. Just this girl who was my...

Gabe rises up on his knees behind their table. He emphatically shakes his head “no” while saying “uh-uhh.” “Uh-uhhh.”

71.

CASEYWho was your what?

Aaron looks at Gabe one more time defiantly, and then:

AARON... my fiancée. Allison Zimmerman was my fiancée.

GABE(to himself; frustrated)

What’s the point imagining me, if you’re not going to listen to a freakin’ word I say?!

Gabe sits back down angrily.

CASEYOh. I didn’t know you were engaged. Wait - is this the ex who was mute?

AARONNo, that would just be wishful thinking.

CASEYSo, how close were you guys to getting married?

AARONI would say very close.

CASEYHad you already sent out the invitations?

AARONOh, yeah. Wedding gifts had been bought. Band had been hired. People had, actually, already started taking their seats... if memory serves.

CASEY(stunned)

She left you on your wedding day?

Aaron looks right at Allison.

AARONNo, Casey. That I could have handled. She... left me standing there - by myself - under the chuppah.

Allison looks at Aaron and shrugs.

ALLISONMy bad.

72.

CASEYOh my God!

(then)What’s a chuppah?!

AARONIt’s kinda like an altar...

CASEYWhy would she do such a thing?

AARONI’m... not exactly sure. Though, when I found her, sprinting off in the parking lot, she did say one thing to me.

CASEYWhich was?

AARON AND ALLISON“I’m sorry, Aaron. But I just can’t do this...”

CASEY“I just can’t do this?” What this girl’s address? I’m in the mood to go cut a bitch.

AARONOh, come on. I’m sure she had her reasons.

CASEYWhatever her reasons - you don’t do that to somebody.

(then)How long ago did this happen?

AARONFourteen months. Two weeks. Three days... I mean, something like that...

CASEYHave you talked to her since?

AARONNo, she decided it would be better if there was “no communication” between us. Or at least that’s what her mother told me when I showed up drunk to their Thanksgiving dinner.

CASEYYou realize I’m hating this girl more and more by the second?

AARONDon’t. I mean, there was a lot of pressure on both of us. And--

CASEYWhy are you defending her? Are you still in love with her?

73.

AARONNo! It’s just... I guess I never really got any closure... And maybe a small piece of me thought... she’d change her mind and come back.

CASEYWell, obviously, you must have a ton of feelings about this.

AARONI would say so...

CASEYOkay. Here’s what we’re going to do. Imagine Allison was right here, right now.

AARONWhat? Why?

CASEYThis is something I do with my therapist. My dad and I have had quite a few productive “conversations” this way. Just go with it for a second...

Allison gets up from her table and heads over to Aaron.

AARON(yeah, right)

Sorry. Not seein’ her.

CASEYC’mon, work with me, Aaron! So, here she is. Standing right in front of you. Maybe looking the way she did the last time you saw her...

Suddenly, a veil drops down from the ceiling. Allison catches it and puts it on. She then grabs a small wedding bouquet out from inside the centerpiece on the table.

CASEYDo you see her now?

AARONI’ve... kinda got an image of what she might look like floating around in my head.

CASEYOkay, good. Now, talk to her. Tell her all the things you’ve been waiting fourteen months, two weeks and three days to get off your chest... And don’t hold back...

74.

Aaron stands up next to Allison. He’s incredibly timid.

AARONHello, Allison.

ALLISONHi, Aaron... You have something you want to say to me?

MUSIC CUE: IN LOVE WITH YOU

AARONNo, I, uhh--

CASEYCome on! You can do it!

AARONYeah, actually. I suppose I do...

AARONI NEVER KNEW WHAT LOVE WAS LIKEUNTIL I SAW YOUR FACEAND SUDDENLY, I FELT A LOVETHAT TIME CAN NOT ERASE.YOUR EYES SO SWEET AND PIERCINGYOUR MANNER KIND YET STRONGTHE KIND OF GIRL I COULD LOVE FOREVERWE'D SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHERAND IN MY LIFE, I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER...BEEN SO FUCKING WRONG!

YOU'RE A BITCH WITH NO HEARTYOU'RE A LIAR, YOU ARE SATANAND I HATE THE WAY YOU SNORE AT NIGHT!ALL YOUR QUIRKS PISS ME OFFAND I DON'T THINK I'M MISSTATIN'YOUR COMPULSIVE NEED TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT!YOU'RE BOSSY AND JUDGMENTALKIND OF TACTLESS, WHOREY TOOAND I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

Aaron turns to Casey.

AARONToo much?

CASEYNot enough! Keep going! I’m lovin’ this!

Aaron turns back to Allison. Casey continues to cheer him on.

75.

AARONI KNOW THAT ALL SEEMED KIND OF HARSHAND THINGS WEREN'T ALWAYS BADIN FACT, I THINK SOME TIMES WE SHAREDWERE THE BEST THAT I'VE EVER HAD.LIKE OUR ROAD TRIP THAT ONE SUMMEROR THOSE STEAMY NIGHTS IN SPAIN...YOU ALWAYS MELTED WHEN I WOULD PRAISE YOUAND MY STUPID JOKES, THEY WOULD NEVER PHASE YOUBUT THAT DON'T MEAN SHIT NEXT TO ALL THE WAYS YOUDROVE ME SO INSANE!

YOU'RE A COCK-FRICKIN'-TEASEGIRL, YOU NEVER STOP YOUR TALKINGAND AT TIMES YOU HAVE A DOUBLE CHINYOU MAY SAY IT’S GOOD FUNBUT YOUR RACIST RANTS ARE SHOCKINGAND YOUR LIPS DON’T NEED MORE COLLAGENALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS HOW MUCHSOMEONE MAKES AND WHAT THEY DONOT A MAN IN HIS RIGHT MINDWOULD EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

YOU ALWAYS CRITICIZED THE CLOTHES THAT I WOULD WEARAND FOUND A WAY OF POINTING OUT MY THINNING HAIR -- Really nice!YOU TURNED ME VEGAN, WHICH I TOTALLY DESPISEAND I’M PRETTY SURE YOU LAUGHEDTHAT TIME I SAID “LET’S COMPROMISE.”IF YOU WERE SHOT OR BEATENRUN OVER BY A TRUCKI GUESS THAT I'D BE SADBUT THEN AGAIN, IT WOULDN'T SUCK...IT WOULDN’T SUCK!

SO GOODBYE, HIT THE ROADAS A GIRLFRIEND, YOU ARE FIRED!FIND SOME OTHER CHUMP THAT YOU CAN FLEECE.YEARS FROM NOW, WHEN YOU'RE OLDAND YOU'VE FINALLY EXPIREDGIRL, I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T REST IN PEACE.NEVER MET SOMEONE SO SELFISHHALF THE TIME, MY BALLS WERE BLUEAFTER ALL THAT I'VE ENDURED NOWYOU CAN SAFELY REST ASSURED NOWTHAT YOUR EX IS UP AND CURED NOWYEAH, I'M SO DONE BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU!WHOA, WE'RE THROUGH!WE'RE SO DONE, ALLISONHONEYBUN, IT'S, LIKE, OVERIT WAS ON, NOW IT'S GONEAND I'VE REGAINED MY COMPOSURESO GOD BLESS, YOU'RE A MESS

76.

AND THAT'S WHAT I CALL CLOSUREYEAH, I'M SO DONE BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU!

Aaron flips Allison off with both hands defiantly.

CASEYNow how did that feel?

AARONSurprisingly good! Yeah, I actually feel alive! Rejuvenated! Energized! Like a giant, soul-sucking weight has just been lifted off my chest.

CASEYSee! I told you so!

Gabe stands and heads over to Aaron.

GABEI’ve never been so proud of you in my whole entire life.

(teary-eyed)It’s like the pupil has become the teacher...

Gabe and Aaron do a “man hug.” Gabe sits as a now cocky Aaron sits back down with Casey. Just then, the waiter comes back to the table.

WAITERHow we doing over here?

AARON AND CASEYGreat. Really great.

WAITER(re: food)

You finished?

AARONYeah, I think we are.

WAITERCan I get you guys anything else this evening? Dessert? Coffee? Another food-related production number?

AARON AND CASEYNo!

WAITERYour loss. Here you go...

The waiter clears their plates and places the bill down on the table.

77.

Aaron and Casey both look down at it - and instantly go into a freeze as the waiter and various patrons sing intently.

MUSIC CUE: THE CHECK!

PATRONS & WAITERTHE CHECK! THE CHECK!WHO'S GOING TO PAY THE CHECK?IT'S A MYSTERY WHERE EVERYTHING'S AT STAKE.A GUY, A GIRL,A BLACK FAUX LEATHER FOLDER,A SERIES OF MISTAKES THAT YOU COULD MAKE!

MENSHOULD A WOMAN LEAVE AND “FRESHEN UP”

WOMENWHILE HE WHIPS OUT HIS CREDIT CARD?

EVERYONESHOULD THEY GO DUTCH OR NOT SO MUCHLEST EGOS END UP SCRAPED AND SCARRED?

MENIT'S ALL THOSE CRAZY FEMINISTSWHO MADE THIS SHIT SO FRIGGIN' HARD!

WOMEN(pissed)

Hey, watch it!

EVERYONEI'D RATHER SOMEONE WRING MY NECKTHAN WONDER WHO THE HELL IS S'POSED TO PAY THE CHECK!

The songs ends. Aaron and Casey unfreeze.

CASEYI got this.

AARONNo, let me.

CASEYWhy don’t we just split it?

AARONBecause I’m pretty sure this is the one thing I have over all your ex-es. So, please - just give me this...

CASEYOkay. Thank you, Aaron.

78.

Casey removes her hand from the bill. Aaron takes out his wallet and puts some cash down. A beat. Then:

AARONAll right, I might just be setting myself up for some hard core rejection right now. But at the moment I’m feeling rather empowered, so, fuck it.

(then; boldly)I don’t want to go out with any of your friends, Casey. I want to go out with you.

Casey looks at him, impressed by his boldness.

AARONI think we have a good rapport, we both like Quantum Leap, in a very brief time you’ve helped me with my “ex” drama, and don’t ask me why, but I think your particular brand of edgy and creative could actually be good for me. And I think after all the other guys you’ve been with - my particular brand of structure and stability could actually be good for you, too... Now, I know I might not be exactly the kind of guy you’re used to going out with. But, clearly, for some reason that hasn’t worked out in the past. So, maybe it’s time you try someone different. Well, Casey, what do you say?

Casey just sits there, not knowing exactly how to respond... A long beat. Then, Gabe springs up from his table - trying to be consoling.

GABEAll right, buddy. Good try! But I think you got your answer. Now let’s wrap this thing up. There’s a whole wide world of internet pornography at home just begging to be explored.

AARONTell you what? You have my number. Why don’t you call me if you’d like to hang out again. And, if not, thank you for a very... memorable evening.

Aaron grabs his coat and leaves the restaurant. Casey just sits there for a moment - what did she just do? Lauren gets up from her seat.

LAURENWell, I’m glad you just let him go, sis. That was definitely the right choice there. Hey - I have an idea! Why don’t we drunk-dial some of your old boyfriends when we get home so we can have even more mistakes to regret in the morning?!

The waiter crosses over to her.

79.

WAITEREverything all right?

CASEY(in a daze)

Uhm, no. Not at all.

Casey grabs her coat and walks out of the restaurant.

A confused waiter opens up the bill and looks at the money Aaron has left. He makes a slightly disappointed noise. He then starts cleaning up their table. He whistles a bit of “I’D ORDER LOVE” as he wipes the table down. Just then, Casey’s friend Reggie comes charging into the restaurant in a total panic. He frantically searches the place.

WAITERCan I help you?

REGGIEYeah. I’m looking for my friend: attractive. Dressed kinda funky. Mildly abrasive. I think she told me she was meeting some random guy here for a drink...

WAITERYou just missed them.

REGGIEOh my God! Oh my God! Okay - answer this - do you remember if she was in the act of being, or had just been, chloroformed?

WAITERAll right, look...

The waiter sits Reggie down.

WAITERAll I know is that he seemed like a perfectly nice guy. So, why don’t you just take a deep breath and try to calm down.

Reggie starts taking some deep breaths.

REGGIEDeep breaths. That’s a good idea. I guess I get a little worked up some times. People tell me I tend to have a very over-active imagination.

WAITER(off-hand)

Don’t we all...

80.

REGGIEYou do, too?

WAITERWho, me? Oh, uh, sure. I’m always dreamin’ up something. A new recipe. Some useless invention. I even write some songs and a little love poetry on the side...

REGGIEReally?

(still deep breathing)Can I hear some?

WAITERWell, you already missed tonight’s musical ditty, but... I’ve got like a whole notebook full of rhymes and what-not in the back. Let me go get it.

The waiter starts to head off. Reggie calls out to him.

REGGIEMiss you already!

Just then, REGGIE’S MOM pops up from another table. (Note: This is not a patron, but clearly a character in Reggie’s head...)

REGGIE’S MOMAnother waiter, honey? Really? Hadn’t we decided on our mother-son spa weekend to “aim higher.”

REGGIEI’m sorry, Mom. They’re my Kryptonite. What do you want from me?!

A HANDSOME, TOUGH GUY-looking patron with a moustache pops up from another table, stopping the waiter from getting to the kitchen. (Again, this character is all part of the Waiter’s imagination.)

TOUGH GUY(hurt; to waiter)

Are you freakin’ kidding me right now? You’re gonna read him some of your poetry? When those words were clearly meant for me?!

WAITERGet over it, Gilberto.

And with that, the restaurant recedes into the background.

81.

Bringing us back to the New York skyline set that opened the show. Aaron walks alone through the city. Casey calls out as she races up to him.

CASEYHi. Remember me? I was the girl who just let you walk out a few minutes ago without even saying good bye.

AARONSounds vaguely familiar.

CASEYRight. Well, here I am.

AARONAre you lost? Did I... leave something at the restaurant? I mean, besides my dignity...

CASEYNo, actually I just thought maybe you could... walk me home? I mean - if you want. No pressure...

Aaron smiles, trying to hide his excitement.

AARONI guess I could handle that... as long as you don’t live in, like, Hoboken or something.

CASEYNo, it’s just a few blocks.

AARONIn that case...

Aaron does a couple quick leg stretches.

AARONOkay. Now I’m ready...

Casey laughs.

MUSIC CUE: SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST

As they start walking together, they both sing. Each in their own heads.

CASEYWHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE STARTOF SOMETHING THAT IS NEWIT'S A CHANCE TO MAKE A CHANGETRY A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW

82.

WHEN YOU MAY HAVE FOUND THE SOMEONEWHO MAKES YOU BETTER THAN YOU AREYOU'D BE A JERK TO RUN AWAYSO YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH AND STAY...

AARONWHEN THE PERSON BY YOUR SIDEIS NOT WHO YOU HAD PLANNEDBUT YOU FEEL THE SUDDEN URGETO TAKE A CHANCE AND HOLD HER HANDAND YOU YEARN FOR LETTING GO OFALL THE BAGGAGE IN YOUR PAST IF YOU DON'T TRY, YOU'LL NEVER KNOWJUST HOW FAR THIS THING MIGHT GO...

BOTHWE COULD MAKE IT TO TOMORROWOR A HUNDRED YEARS FROM HERE

CASEYWE COULD FALL FLAT ON OUR FACESOR FALL MORE IN LOVE EACH YEAR.

AARONWITH SO LITTLE TO BE SURE OF

CASEYPOSSIBILITIES ARE VAST

BOTHTHIS MAY BE ONE PERFECT MOMENTOR MAYBE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST.

They stop in front of a door simulating Casey’s apartment building.

CASEYWell, this is my place...

AARONAhh - yes. So it is...

They both stand there for a moment. It’s one of those “end of the first date, are we going to kiss?” moments. Aaron looks up at the brownstone to break the tension.

AARONNice building. Excellent... structural... engineering... with the--

Just then, Gabe appears on the stage.

83.

GABEQuit stalling and tap that shit already.

AARON-- columns. And bricks...

CASEYThank you. I designed it all myself...

Just then Lauren appears on stage.

LAURENOkay. You are going to give him one kiss - on the cheek - but that’s it. V-town is closed to the public tonight. Got it?

The two just stand there - waiting to see if either will make a move. Suddenly, Allison appears on stage.

ALLISONYou are so not ready to take things to the next level with this girl. What you really need to do is continue waiting for me...

The Edgy British Guy also appears on stage.

EDGY BRITISH GUYAnd this is why it can never work out with you two, love. We would have already been snogging by now...

The Friendly Therapist also appears on stage.

FRIENDLY THERAPISTAll this inner turmoil you’re feeling right now - it’s going to give us a ton of new fodder for therapy on Tuesday.

Aaron decides NOT to kiss her.

AARONAll right. Good night, Casey.

CASEY(slightly disappointed)

Good night, Aaron.

As Aaron walks away, he stops himself.

AARONWHEN YOU FEEL THAT SUDDEN SPARKTHAT’S BEEN GONE SINCE WHO KNOWS WHENGOTTA SET YOUR FEARS ASIDEAND ATTEMPT TO TRY AGAIN

84.

GABEYes. For the love of God. Try again!

CASEYI COULD CLAIM THAT I'M NOT READYTHAT THIS WHOLE THING SEEMS TOO REALBUT I’VE PLAYED THAT GAME BEFOREI DON’T WANT TO ANYMORE...

LAURENThat’s right, Casey! Time to finally grow up and let a good guy in.

Aaron walks away. And yet...

BOTHWE COULD MAKE IT TO TOMORROW OR BEGIN A LIFELONG RIDE

AARONWE COULD SAY GOODBYE FOREVER

CASEYOR WATCH YEARS PASS SIDE BY SIDE

AARONALL THE BURDENS THAT WE CARRY

CASEYNEED TO LET THEM GO AND FAST

BOTHSO THERE’S NOT ONE PERFECT MOMENT...

Out of nowhere, Aaron rushes back to Casey, grabs her and gives her a real kiss. All of the voices in their heads watch on - none prouder than Gabe and Lauren. (And none more upset than Allison). After a moment, they pull away, both surprised by the connection.

They start to sing again - continuing the thought from before.

BOTHBUT RATHER THERE IS SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST...

I AM THROUGH WITH HOLDING ONI WON'T LET MISTAKES AND MEM'RIESGET THE BEST OF ME.

The voices in their heads start fading away one by one.

85.

BOTHOH WHOATHOUGH MY DOUBTS ARE FAR FROM GONEI WILL LEAP INTO THE FUTUREAND JUST WAIT AND SEE...

All the baggage is now gone. (Gabe and Lauren are the last two to leave...) Casey and Aaron now sing to each other - alone on stage.

BOTHIF WE MAKE IT TO TOMORROWIF WE STAND THE TEST OF TIMEOR THE WIND'S TOO STRONG AGAINST USAND WE CAN'T QUITE MAKE THE CLIMB.ALL I KNOW IS, IN THIS MOMENT,MY PAST IS JUST MY PAST RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDERIF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST...

AARONOkay, bye. I mean it this time - bye.

CASEYBye.

He puts out his hand to shake. She shakes it and then turns it into the fist bump that explodes backward. They laugh and start to walk off in opposite directions.

BOTH(to themselves)

RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDERIF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST.

They look back at each other one last time. Aaron heads offstage and Casey heads into her apartment building as the music ends and we FADE TO BLACK.

86.

GABEYes. For the love of God. Try again!

CASEYI COULD CLAIM THAT I'M NOT READYTHAT THIS WHOLE THING SEEMS TOO REALBUT I’VE PLAYED THAT GAME BEFOREI DON’T WANT TO ANYMORE...

LAURENThat’s right, Casey! Time to finally grow up and let a good guy in.

Aaron walks away. And yet...

BOTHWE COULD MAKE IT TO TOMORROW OR BEGIN A LIFELONG RIDE

AARONWE COULD SAY GOODBYE FOREVER

CASEYOR WATCH YEARS PASS SIDE BY SIDE

AARONALL THE BURDENS THAT WE CARRY

CASEYNEED TO LET THEM GO AND FAST

BOTHSO THERE’S NOT ONE PERFECT MOMENT...

Out of nowhere, Aaron rushes back to Casey, grabs her and gives her a real kiss. All of the voices in their heads watch on - none prouder than Gabe and Lauren. (And none more upset than Allison). After a moment, they pull away, both surprised by the connection.

They start to sing again - continuing the thought from before.

BOTHBUT RATHER THERE IS SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST...

I AM THROUGH WITH HOLDING ONI WON'T LET MISTAKES AND MEM'RIESGET THE BEST OF ME.

The voices in their heads start fading away one by one.

85.

BOTHOH WHOATHOUGH MY DOUBTS ARE FAR FROM GONEI WILL LEAP INTO THE FUTUREAND JUST WAIT AND SEE...

All the baggage is now gone. (Gabe and Lauren are the last two to leave...) Casey and Aaron now sing to each other - alone on stage.

BOTHIF WE MAKE IT TO TOMORROWIF WE STAND THE TEST OF TIMEOR THE WIND'S TOO STRONG AGAINST USAND WE CAN'T QUITE MAKE THE CLIMB.ALL I KNOW IS, IN THIS MOMENT,MY PAST IS JUST MY PAST RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDERIF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST...

AARONOkay, bye. I mean it this time - bye.

CASEYBye.

He puts out his hand to shake. She shakes it and then turns it into the fist bump that explodes backward. They laugh and start to walk off in opposite directions.

BOTH(to themselves)

RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDERIF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST.

They look back at each other one last time. Aaron heads offstage and Casey heads into her apartment building as the music ends and we FADE TO BLACK.

86.