OLDER WOMENIYOUNGER MEN:

A LOOK AT THE IMPLICATIONS OF

AGE HETEROGAMY IN MARRIAGE

BY

Nichole R. Proulx-King

B.A. University of Maine, 2002

A THESIS

Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the

Requirements for the Degree of

Master of Science

(in Human Development)

The Graduate School

The University of Maine

August, 2004

Advisory Committee:

Sandra L. Caron, Professor of Family Relations, Advisor

Mary Ellin Logue, Assistant Professor of Early Childhood Education

Mary Madden, Assistant Research Professor

O 2004 Nichole Proulx-King

All Rights Reserved

OLDER WOMENNOUNGER MEN:

A LOOK AT THE IMPLICATIONS OF

AGE HETEROGAMY IN MARRIAGE

By Nichole R. Proulx-King

Thesis Advisor: Dr. Sandra L. Caron

An Abstract of the Thesis Presented in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the

Degree of Master of Science (in Human Development)

August, 2004

This study provides insight into the lives of eight married couples involved

in an age-heterogamous relationship where the wife is eight or more years older

than her husband. While there is a lot of information in the literature about men

who date and marry younger women, the research on this subject is very limited

or outdated. This exploratory study provided valuable information in several

areas about couples in woman-older marriages. The interviews were conducted

with each participant separately and explored three major topics of interest: the

impact that age difference has on the relationship, the issues that arise for the

couple, and any difference in husbands and wives experience. Implications for

professionals working with such couples, as well as for further research, will be

discussed.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to thank all of the people who have supported me throughout

this process and who have helped me get to this point in my life. First I would

like to thank my committee for their help in putting this thesis together. Dr. Mary

Ellin Logue and Dr. Mary Madden have given me valuable insight into the

dynamics of this project. I would especially like to recognize the chair of my

committee, Dr. Sandra Caron, who has not only been someone who has guided

me through my graduate school career, and has done an exceptional job helping

me with this project, but is also a mentor and a friend.

I would also like to thank my husband, Kraig, for supporting me through

every step of graduate school and for being my rock and my encouragement.

Without his patience, emotional support, and unconditional love I would never

have completed this thesis.

I certainly cannot leave out my parents, Raymond and Patricia Proulx,

who gave me the tools I needed to go as far as I have. They have always been

my biggest fans and supporters and I am lucky to be a part of their lives. I also

want to thank my brothers Raymond and Kevin for their never-ending support

and encouragement.

I would like to thank John and Natalie King for their continued help and for

believing in me. I am proud to be a part of your family. Finally, I would like to

thank all of my friends that have supported me throughout this process especially

Erin and Renee, and most importantly Ely who has given me so much continuous

strength and encouragement to make it through.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

... ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS .................................................................................. I I I

LIST OF TABLES ............................................................................................... vi

Chapter

1 . INTRODUCTION ........................................................................................... 1

2 . REVIEW OF THE LITERATURE ................................................................... 5

............................................................................................... Definitions 5

Homogamy .............................................................................................. 5

Heterogamy ............................................................................................. 8

Type of Persons Engaging in Age Heterogamous Relationships .......... 11

Issues Raised in Woman.Older. Age Heterogamous Marriages ........... 15

Summary ............................................................................................... 18

Purpose of Study and Research Questions .......................................... 19

3 . METHODOLOGY ......................................................................................... 22

Sample .................................................................................................. 22

Interview Procedure .............................................................................. 24

Interview Technique .............................................................................. 25

Data Analysis ........................................................................................ 26

4 . RESULTS .................................................................................................... 27

Research Question 1 ............................................................................ 27

Research Question 2 ............................................................................ 32

Research Question 3 ............................................................................ 38

5.DISCUSSION ................................................................................................ 40

............................................................................ Research Question 1 41

Research Question 2 .......................................................................... 42

............................................................................ Research Question 3 43

........................................................................................... Implications 45

Limitations ............................................................................................. 46

REFERENCES ................................................................................................ 49

APPENDICES .................................................................................................. 50

Appendix A: Recruitment Email ............................................................. 50

Appendix B: Interview Questions .......................................................... 51

Appendix C: Informed Consent ............................................................. 52

..................................................................... BIOGRAPHY OF THE AUTHOR 53

LIST OF TABLES

Table 1 : Demographics ..................................................................................... 23

Table 2: Results for Research Question 1 ........................................................ 28

Table 3: Results for Research Question 2 ........................................................ 33

Table 4: Advice for People Entering This Type of Marriage ............................. 37

CHAPTER I

INTRODUCTION

Recently there has been a lot of attention given to women marrying

younger men in the popular press. Sitcoms, such as Happy Family, have poked

fun at the idea of a younger man being happily involved in a relationship with an

older woman. Hollywood has had a field day reporting on the dating patterns of

some of its biggest female stars and their involvement with younger men. A

classic example of this on Hollywood's big screen is The Graduate, a movie

about how a college graduate is seduced by a woman who is twice his age. This

movie also included the popular song, Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel.

More recently, another movie, How Stella Got her Groove Back, was about how

a successful, single, businesswoman falls in love with a man that is half her age,

and it portrayed many of the issues and societal pressures that men and women

face as they enter into this type of relationship. Talk shows like Oprah have

devoted entire shows to talking with couples that are engaged in this type of

marriage, and her October 2003, magazine featured a cover story regarding this

topic as well (Picket, 2003).

Finally, there have even been books written for women within the past two

decades about how to maintain a relationship with a younger man. For example,

Loving a Younger Man, by Victoria Houston (1 987) addresses many of the issues

that come up for a woman who is in love with a younger man while battling the

societal attitudes against relationships where the woman is older than her male

partner.

What does all of this media attention mean? It certainly means that this

issue is on our mind more than we are willing to admit. It also means that many

people are deviating from the norm of usual dating and marital relationships.

This attention also shows that we are not yet willing to completely accept these

types of relationships. Those who participate in woman-older marriages and

dating relationships are still seen as deviants in our society.

The United States is founded upon the basis that everyone remains equal

and can endure many freedoms that other societies cannot. Amongst these

freedoms is our ability to choose a mate. Many social scientists speculate that

most people tend to marry others that are similar to themselves in areas such as

race, age, religion, and socioeconomic status, due to the fact that we tend to live,

work, and become friends with people who are like us. However, there are no

legal restrictions for marrying someone who is a different from you in these

areas. Therefore, you would think that society completely accepts the practice of

doing this wholeheartedly.

It was not so long ago where it was completely against the society's moral

groundings to marry someone who was not within the same race. Historically,

many of the major religions in the United States have also been very opposed to

marriages that were not homogamous in religion. While some churches still

oppose this, at least to some degree, some of its members have chosen to stray

from this strict code. Much movement has taken place for mixed racial and

interfaith marriages to become more widely accepted and practiced, by society

as a whole, in this new century. However, our culture still continues to attach a

negative stigma to these marriages in many cases.

Living in our so-called 'liberal' society one would think that issues

surrounding age would not have any bearing on a marriage as long as both

partners were mentally and emotionally able to commit to their union. In cases

where men and women are vastly different in age it does not get looked down

upon nearly as significantly when the male is older than the female, but when the

case is the opposite more than just a few eyebrows are raised.

Historically nearly half of married men have been at least five or more

years older than their wives. However, the number of men who are older than

their wives has actually declined drastically since the beginning of the twentieth

century, with the most dramatic decline between 1900 and 1960 (Atkinson &

Glass, 1985). Given the fact that fewer marriages exist in which the husband is

older, it would make sense that attitudes surrounding this issue would have

changed at least slightly. Taking into account the shrinking number of husband-

older marriages, it is odd that society's attitudes are not as accepting of

marriages in which the woman is older than the man as they are when the

opposite is true. Why do we automatically assume that she is 'robbing the

cradle', or that he is simply looking for a 'motherly' figure? Why does society

more readily justify an age difference in marriage if the male partner is older than

his wife?

Of course age discrepant relationships, in general, lack full social

approval. According to one study, women who married significantly older men

reported that in many cases their fathers disapproved of their relationships

(Knox, Britton, & Crisp, 1997). This paper seeks to explore the issues

surrounding many of these questions, and in doing so looks at both the societal

attitudes and implications about homogamy and heterogamy within relationships,

with its main focus on age discrepancies particularly in the case of husband

younger marriages.

CHAPTER 2

REVIEW OF THE LITERATURE

Definitions

Before continuing our discussion, both homogamy and heterogamy

deserve a brief definition. First, homogamy refers to a person marrying within the

same race, religion, culture, socioeconomic status, and age. In other words,

marrying someone who has a very similar background and belongs to the same

age cohort. Secondly, heterogamy refers to just the opposite; a person marrying

outside of their race, religion, culture, socioeconomic status, and age.

Homogamy

Social scientists have speculated that people are generally homogamous

in their relationships. In America, people are typically involved in marriages

where the man is slightly older than the woman, in most cases he is

approximately two to three years older than she is, but is still considered to be

within the same age group. Shehan, Berardo, Vera, and Carley (1991) cite that it

is amazing heterogamous relationships can even exist. This is due to both the

strong societal pressure for people to marry others who are similar, as well as the

unlikelihood that people will associate with potential mates who are dissimilar to

them. Simply stated, people who are similar in age are more likely to be

relatively at the same point in their lives, and therefore, have parallel attitudes

and ideas.

According to the filter theory of mate selection, we tend to narrow down

our potential mates through a variety of ways. As Kerckhoff and Davis (1962)

outline, we technically all begin with one large pool of eligible partners, and after

filtering for propinquity (geographic closeness), ethnicity and race, age, and

socioeconomic status we are left with a very small number of potential spouses

who most resemble us. Generally it is out of this small sample that we choose

the person we will marry. For example, a woman who is in her twenties and is

planning to have children one day would be more likely to filter out potential

mates who are much older than herself simply because they may already have

children and do not want any more, or they are too old to have the patience and

energy to start a family at that point in their lives.

Several studies have been conducted to support the theory that people

generally participate in homogamous relationships. In one study of 278

undergraduates at East Carolina University, researchers found that college

students do tend to prefer someone who is similar to them when it comes to

choosing a dating partner (Knox, Zusman, & Nieves, 1997). However, it was

found that homogamy was even more important to the college students when it

came to choosing a marriage partner. When they compared the responses of

the males and females in the study, they found that physical appearance was

much more likely to be important for men in choosing both a dating and marriage

partner. For females, similarities in education and occupation was very important

in choosing a dating partner, but when choosing a potential spouse similar

religious values, age, education, marital status, desire for children, and

occupation were all very important. Finally, the respondents in the study felt that

homogamy was unlikely to make a marriage boring, rather it would lead to

happier more fulfilling relationships.

Age homogamous marriages have been on the increase since 1900. In

1900, almost half of all marriages were age heterogamous involving the husband

being five or more years older than his wife. By 1960 this had decreased

considerably to about one third of marriages and by 1980 to only a little more

than 25 percent. Between 1900 and 1980, the percentage of marriages in which

the husband and wife were homogamous in age (+I-4 years) rose from 37.1 % to

69.9% (Atkinson & Glass, 1985). The 2000 Census Data did, however, show a

slight decline in age homogamous marriages to 60.2% (U.S. Census Bureau,

2000). Even with the moderate decline in age homogamous marriages from

1980 to 2000, almost two thirds of all marriages in the United States are

characterized by age homogamy.

There may be several explanations for this decline in heterogamous

marriages, especially in those where the husband is 5 or more years older. One

of these, noted by Atkinson and Glass (1 985), is due to an increase in gender

equality in this country. As women become more equal in society they are less

likely to conform to traditional gender roles and patterns, therefore, foregoing the

usual pattern in marriage where the male is older than the female. One reason

for the large number of male-older marriages in the early 1900's is due to the fact

that younger women were looking for a man who was financially stable and able

to provide for a family since a large proportion of women did not work outside the

home at that time. As women become more equal in the workplace, as well as

begin to close the income gap, the need for this quality in a mate would then

decrease.

Heterogamy

The politics of heterogamy in marriage are still being debated to this day.

Does heterogamy necessarily mean that a marriage is doomed from the start?

Is, perhaps, variety really the spice of life? Are some marriages, in which the

heterogamous characteristics vary, more likely to survive than others? A study

conducted about the factors that affected marital quality over time showed that

marital heterogamy in general has increased significantly between 1980 and

2000. The instances of mixed racial and age discrepant relationships have risen

much more significantly than differences in religious values and education levels

have. Overall, however, it was shown that heterogamous marriages are more

likely to be unhappy than those that are homogamous (Amato, Johnson, Booth,

& Rogers, 2003). Given these results, the question whether or not the reason for

this unhappiness is due to actual incompatibility or instead to the societal

pressures for not marrying someone similar in characteristics must be raised.

In contrast to the above research, Vera et al. (1985) outlined a study of

age heterogamy in marriage that yielded vastly different results in marital quality.

They found when comparing gender, age, race and socioeconomic status that

these had no effect on the marital quality of couples from many different age

discrepant categories. In this study the researchers also found that age

heterogamous relationships are not necessarily predominantly just common to

middle and upper class relationships as had been rationalized in the past, rather

that they are most prevalent among those who are in the lower classes.

The tendency to marry someone who is of the same race, age, religion

and socioeconomic status is very strong in our society, so when people stray

from this general rule of thumb it is only natural that we wonder why someone

has done this. Certainly it is more acceptable today for people of different

backgrounds to marry one another than it was even two or three decades ago. It

is even glamorized in Hollywood. Notting Hill is a movie about a famous actress

falling in love with a man who owns a bookstore. It depicts how two people who

have vastly different backgrounds manage to fall in love despite the fact that they

are from separate worlds. My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding is another movie that is

an example of this. In a comedic way it shows how two people from different

backgrounds can fall in love and get married, and maintain a happy relationship

despite their difference in religious beliefs.

The Hollywood stars are also portrayed in the media as the "latest fashion"

in relationships when they stray from the rigid social code to marry someone with

similar characteristics and begin partnerships with those who are much different

from them. Anna Nicole Smith was among these celebrities who was all over the

news when she married a man old enough to be her grandfather, and of course,

in the eyes of society, the only reason she did it was for the wealth, power, and

prestige. Why wouldn't the reason simply have been because she loved him?

One of society's popular beliefs about marriages in which the husband is

significantly older than his wife is that he is marrying a "daughter image". This

comes from the idea that women who are much younger than their husbands

need an older, stronger man to depend on for security and comfort, much like a

daughter would depend on her father (Vera, Berardo, & Berardo, 1985).

Recently many women have also been in the spotlight for marrying or

dating men who are significantly younger than they are. Demi Moore, Joan

Lunden, Madonna, and Courtney Cox Arquette are just some of these examples.

Vera et al. (1 985) cite that society looks down upon these relationships because

of the incest taboo. In essence, the large age difference between the woman

and the man is seen as a motherlson relationship. While the involvement is not

incestual by nature in this case, it does tend to remind people of this idea.

Certainly, the media coverage these celebrities are getting is more than just the

glamour effects of their age discrepant relationships, it is also society's way of

saying that they have broken the norm and ventured outside the boundaries of

acceptable practices in dating and marriage.

According to Shehan, Berardo, Vera, & Carley (1991), 22 percent of

weddings performed every year in the United States involve women who are

older than their husbands. In one county in Florida, a study that was conducted

determined that almost one in four marriages involved an older woman marrying

a younger man. This is a relatively surprising statistic given the apprehension to

such marriages in our society. Certainly this reported data about such a large

number of marriages involving women who were older than their husbands could

be skewed, and therefore, might actually be due to the fact that different studies

look at different age gaps (e.g. one looks at 5 or more years age difference, and

others look at only 2 or more), and thus the percentages of this type of marriage

can vary greatly in the literature. The greater the difference in age classification

between the spouses, the less likely as many marriages will fall into the age

heterogamous category (Shehan et al., 1991).

Another study of 1,407 single men and 2,094 single women, aged 40 to

69, conducted for the AARP, reported that 20 percent of the women surveyed

were dating, or had recently dated a man that was 5 or more years younger than

they were (Montenegro, 2003). This certainly shows that increasingly more

women who are single during midlife are turning to younger men for

companionship.

Type of Persons Engaging in Age Heterogamous Relationships

When looking at age heterogamous relationships, many people have

theorized about why they exist. In particular researchers in the field have paid

special attention to a number of predictors for this type of partnering. Factors

such as race, ethnicity, education, and marital history are among these. While

the goal of this paper is to explore the issues that come up for in marriages

where the women are older than their husbands, there is limited research solely

on this topic. However there have been just a few significant studies that look at

age hypergamy (wife is younger than her husband) and age hypogamy (wife is

older than her husband) (Shehan, Berardo, Vera, & Carley, 1991).

In looking at race and ethnicity, Shehan et al. (1991) found that black

women are much more likely than white women to be involved in marriages

where they are 5 years or more older than their husbands, as well as marriages

where their husbands are 10 or more years older than they are. The same

researchers also found that Spanish-American women were more likely than

other women to be 10 or more years younger than their husbands.

Education also plays an important role in determining the likelihood that a

woman will participate in an age heterogamous marriage. Social scientists have

theorized that an increase in education may be associated with an increase in

the tendency of women to participate in heterogamous relationships (Shehan et

al., 1991). The idea being that these women would first of all marry later, thus

lessening their pool or potential mates and increasing their likelihood of marrying

someone younger, as well as possess more liberal ideas about marriage.

However, Shehan et al. (1991) found that the opposite was the case in their

study. Instead, increased educational attainment for women was actually

negatively correlated with the chances that a woman would be involved in either

a husband older or husband younger relationship. In other words, as education

for women increases, the likelihood that she will be involved in an age

heterogamous relationship decreases. The same researchers also found that

women who are in educational heterogamous marriages, as well as those who

are in ethnically heterogamous marriages are much more likely to be 10 or more

years younger than their husbands in comparison to their homogamous

counterparts. Finally, women who are in mixed race relationships are twice as

likely to be much younger than their partners.

According to the same study (Shehan et al. 1991) homogamous

relationships are most likely to occur for women who are participating in first

marriages. In contrast, women who are in second marriages were seven times

more apt to be in relationships where they were older than their husbands. For

both black and white women, remarriage increased the likelihood that they would

participate in an age heterogamous relationship. Overall, white women who

participated in racial, ethnic, and educational heterogamous relationships were

the most likely to also participate in age discrepant marriages. Simply put,

crossing one societal boundary increased the chance that they would be willing

to cross others.

In a study discussed by Atkinson and Glass (1 985), variables such as

wife's education, wife's employment status, both husband's and wife's

occupational status, annual family income, race, rurality of residence, and wife's

country of birth were explored in relation to age discrepant relationships. In this

study data from the 1900, 1960, and 1980 U.S Census was compared. As was

discussed earlier, there were many more age heterogamous marriages in 1900

than there were in 1980 with most being husband-older.

The comparison of data showed that in 1900 women who were 39 years

of age or younger and married to men who were at least 5 years younger were

more likely to have been married longer than those who were similar in age and

those who were younger than their husbands by at least five years. Women,

aged 40-64 who were in husband younger marriages were also more likely to

have been married longer as well as have been foreign born, and more likely to

be black than women married to men similar and older in age. Finally, like the

middle aged women, those who were ages 65 and older and married to younger

men, were more likely to be foreign born (Atkinson & Glass 1985).

The 1960 census data showed that both women in the youngest age

group, and those who were middle aged who had less education and had been

married 2 or more times, were the most likely to be in age heterogamous

relationships. The oldest age group involved the wife's number of marriages and

the husband's occupational status as a predictor of whether or not the women

would participate in an age discrepant marriage (Atkinson & Glass, 1985).

According to the 1980 census data, women aged 39 and under were most

likely to be unemployed and have a low family income if they were involved in a

marriage where they were older than their husband. Women who were between

the ages 40-64 and involved in a husband younger or husband older relationship

were most likely to be black, have a low education level, and have the lowest

family income. In general, the data from the 1900, 1960, and 1980 censuses

showed that women who were foreign born, had lower educational levels, family

income, and occupational status, and were likely to be unemployed, black, and

married more than once were significantly more likely to be involved in an age

discrepant marriage (Atkinson & Glass, 1985).

In an analysis of British survey data collected in the late 19703s,

researchers found that the data depicted a very unusual pattern in men and

women's marriage tendencies (Bytheway, 1981). In a comparison of all

marriages in England and Wales, it was found that men were least likely to marry

older women during their early twenties. However, middle-aged men (40-44

years) were most likely to participate in marriages in which they were younger

than their wives. This tendency decreased dramatically for men in their mid to

late 60's and beyond. Women in their early twenties were least likely to marry a

younger man. Conversely, women aged 35-39 were the most likely to marry

younger men compared to those in other age categories. This pattern decreased

throughout women's late forties, fifties and early sixties, with an increase again in

their early seventies (Bytheway, 1981 ).

Bytheway (1 981) theorizes that this pattern of marriage is due to the fact

that there are some people who do not get married at the expected average age

and, thus, continue participating in the dating and social rituals that accompany

single hood. Therefore, those who do this and remain unmarried into middle age

are likely to marry people younger than themselves. This tends to be particularly

true for women more so than men.

Issues Raised in Woman-Older, Age Heterogamous Marriages

A study conducted by Seskin and Ziegler (1 979) involved the interviews

with seventy-six women who were in woman-older relationships. The results of

this study contained in Seskin and Ziegler's book, Older WomenNounger Men,

did not report any statistics, however, general themes were explored. According

to some of the women, a large part of their initial willingness to participate in a

socially unaccepted relationship like this was the attractiveness of their partner.

Many were attracted to the men simply because of their youth and the physical

attractions that accompany it. Others found the liveliness of their partners to be

striking mostly due to the fact that they were much younger. The woman

reported that one of the best parts about being involved in this type of

relationship was that it made them feel younger. This was simply because they

were not with someone who was also at the same point in aging as they were,

and thus the younger man was not necessarily worrying about aging because he

was not there yet, or at least not to an advanced point. However, the age

difference did raise some issues of insecurity for the women surrounding their

attractiveness when it came to intimacy. Even women who considered

themselves to be in good shape, reported that they wondered if they could

compare with the beauty that is associated with youth and still capture their

younger partner's attention.

The women who participated in Seskin and Ziegler's (1979) interviews

reported that they did feel the social pressures from both their peers and even

children (if they had any from a previous marriage) surrounding the type of

relationship they were participating in. Like the rest of society many of the

women's friends could not understand why or how such a relationship could

work, much less why the women were inclined to stay with their younger men.

The women who had children from a previous relationship reported that their

children also felt embarrassed at the site of being with the couple in public,

especially when the age difference was visibly noticeable. Certainly these

reactions play into the social definitions of what is and is not acceptable for

relationships. Vast age differences, especially in woman older relationships

clearly violate the norms in this society.

Another interesting finding of these interviews was that many males who

were involved in relationships where their partner was older recalled having a

sexual experience with an older woman while they were only adolescents

(Seskin and Ziegler, 1979). If these responses are accurate and are true for

many husband younger relationships, perhaps then we can suggest that the men

who marry older women have always had a passion for them even from a very

young age. It may be no different than one's preference for a particular type of

person. Many people are attracted only, or most often, to brunettes or blue-eyed

mates, for example. Thus, an attraction to only, or mostly, older women may

simply be a matter of liking a particular type of person.

There are many issues that come up in any type of marital relationship,

but are there specific issues that are unique to husband-younger marriages?

One issue that can be very prevalent in this type of relationship is money.

Perhaps she makes more money than he does. This can certainly become a

problem, especially when society still says that the man should be the primary

breadwinner. A study of couples in long-term (five years and longer), woman-

older relationships conducted by Brings and Winter (2000) found that the women

in their study felt badly about making more money than their partners, as well as

already being more financially sound because they were well established in their

careers, and in some cases it led to conflict between the couple, especially when

they were dating. The women who were interviewed in Seskin and Ziegler's

(1979) study found that aging, particularly for the woman (if there was a visible

age difference), brought out many insecurities. The women did feel, however,

that the age difference did not play a very large role in everyday life, and was

able to be "brushed under the carpet". When they looked at the big picture, the

women reported that the issue of age did come up periodically and was unable to

be completely forgotten by the couple.

The study conducted by Brings and Winter (2000) also showed another

issue that is unique to woman-older relationships. This involved the

developmental stage of the male in the relationship. Brings and Winter

concluded that men in their twenties who were dating older women may not be

as ready to be involved in a committed relationship as older men are, simply

because they are still discovering who they are and what they want out of life.

Summary

"Like attracts like" is a general rule of thumb for selecting dating and

marital partners. This theory tends to still be true in many relationships today. In

most cases the person you will marry has a similar education and socioeconomic

status, and is also the same race and age, with the man in the relationship being

about 2 years older than his partner. However, there has been a shift from the

almost purely homogamous relationships of the 40's, 501s, and 60's to the more

heterogamous relationships of the 801s, go's, and today. Mixed racial and ethnic

as well as interfaith marriages have certainly become more widely practiced as

well as accepted in today's society. Husband older relationships are customary,

especially when the age difference is only a few years. However, even when it

means that the husband is significantly older, we, as a culture, are much more

likely to accept it than if the age difference was the opposite case.

While the literature on age discrepant relationships is very limited and

deserves further research that is more recent, some of its findings are very

significant. Race, ethnicity, education levels, participating in one or more

previous marriages, employment status, and if a woman was foreign born are all

factors that contribute to the likelihood that a woman would participate in an age

discrepant marriage. As the British survey data indicates, women who have

reached their late thirties, and men who are in their early forties also have the

best chance of choosing a husband younger relationship.

Age discrepant marriages that involve women who are older than their

husbands can be just as rewarding and happy as all other relationships. It

appears that only societal pressures and the couple's ability to acknowledge and

ignore these distinctions inevitably keep these marriages from being the same as

any other. Attitudes toward husband younger relationships are slowly beginning

to change as more are reported. However, much more time is needed for any

this type of age discrepant relationship to be fully accepted in society. More

research is certainly needed in this area to be able to completely determine what

factors inevitably lead a person to enter into a husband younger relationship, and

also what issues are raised for the couple as a direct result of this age difference.

Purpose of Study and Research Questions

The purpose of this study was to gain insight into the issues that arise in

marriages in which the woman is significantly older than her husband. More

specifically, this research focused on three research questions:

Research Question 1:What impact has the age difference (specifically

because the woman is significantly older) had on the relationship?

Research Question 2: What issues are presented by the couples involved

in age heterogamous marriages in which the woman is older?

Research Question 3: Do husbands and wives perceive different issues

being raised within the context of the woman-older marriage?

While a small number of studies have been conducted on this topic,

those that present any scholarly results are out of date and are very limited in

their findings (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979). Very little has actually been reported

about the issues that arise within these marriages. In the rare case that they

have been reported they are not done in a statistical manner showing that a

certain percentage of women or men in these marriages identify a particular

issue, rather they only include brief stories given by the couples that were

interviewed (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979; Brings & Winter, 2000). Furthermore, very

few men have actually been interviewed about their perception of being involved

in a woman-older marriage, and none of the research shows a comparison

between men and women about what they perceive to be the issues that are

raised.

Most of the research conducted has been done regarding the "type" of

people who are likely to engage in an age discrepant relationship where the

woman is older than her husband (Atkinson & Glass, 1985; Bytheway, 1981 ;

Shehan, Berardo, Vera, & Carley, 1991 ; Vera, Berardo, & Berardo, 1985).

Further investigation is needed to determine the impact that the woman being

significantly older than her husband has upon the marriage as well as the issues

that are unique to this type of relationship. Finally, further research on the

difference in perceptions between men and women who are involved in this type

of age discrepant relationship is also needed.

CHAPTER 3

METHODOLOGY

Sample

The study consisted of interviews with eight married couples involved in a

relationship where the woman is significantly older by eight or more years than

her husband. The husbands and wives were interviewed separately. The

convenience sampling method was employed due to the difficulty of identifying

the couples to be interviewed and because of the time limitations of the thesis

project. The participants were found through contacts with committee members,

co-workers, acquaintances of the primary investigator, and word of mouth.

Finally, an email was forwarded to several First Class conferences. See

Appendix A: Recruitment Email.

Demographics for the sample were obtained from questions 1-1 3 of the

interview protocol and are presented in Table 1. The couples in the sample

ranged in age from 24 to 61, with males age ranging from 24 to 51, and females

from 34 to 61. The age difference between the husband and wife ranged from

her being 8 years older to 17 years older. All but one participant identified their

racelethnicity as Caucasian (one male identified as Asian). Most couples could

be described as middle class, with most having at least college education (1 1 : I 6)

and many holding professional positions (e.g., teacher, manager, computer

programmer, professor, academic counselor).

The age at the time of marriage for women ranged from 34 to 53 years

old, with 75% of the women being in their late 30's and early 40's (6:8). For

Table1 : Demographics

lDemonraphics of Children I I I

males, their age at marriage was 23 to 43 years old, with 75% of the men in their

early to mid-20's (6:8) at the time of marriage. The couples had been married

anywhere from 7months to 15 years, and dated from less than a year to 5 years

before marrying. All couples knew about their significant age difference before

becoming romantically involved. Many of the women (6:8) had been married at

least once before, while most of the men (6:8) had never been married

previously.

For women, 75% (6:8) have had a previous romantic relationship with a

younger man, while 50% (4:8) of the men had a previous romantic relationship

with an older woman. When asked if there was a trend of age-discrepant

romantic relationships in their own family, 44% (7:16) of the participants said

there was; four out of the seven were men who reported this trend in their family.

In looking at children, only one couple did not have any children from the

present or a previous relationship, and two other men never had children of their

own but became a stepfather to his wife's children from a previous marriage.

Three of the couples have children from this marriage, while most (63%) brought

anywhere from one to three children from a previous relationship (5:8 couples).

One of these couples had an adult child who never lived with them in this current

marriage. The children's ages ranged from 2 years to 35 years.

Interview Procedure

The interview consisted of 29 open-ended questions, and was approved

through the Human Subjects Committee at the University of Maine. See

Appendix B: Interview Questions. Questions 1-1 3 in the interview protocol were

questions pertaining to demographics of the each individual interviewed.

lnterview questions 14-1 8 explored the demographics of any children involved.

Each interview question from 19-29 was asked to gather enough information to

answer the three major research questions. Specifically, interview questions 19-

24 pertained to research question 1: What impact has the age difference

(specifically because the woman is significantly older) had on the relationship?

lnterview questions 25-29 pertained to research question 2: What issues are

presented by couples involved in age heterogamous relationships in which the

woman is older? The answers reported by the husband and wife, from interview

questions 19-29 were compared in order to answer research question 3: Do

husbands and wives perceive different issues being raised within the context of

the woman-older marriage?

Interview Technique

Couples who expressed interest in participating in this research were

given a copy of the consent form before an interview was scheduled. Consent

was implied when they agreed to arrange an interview after reviewing the

consent form. See Appendix C: Informed Consent.

Interviews with half (8 out of 16) of the participating couples were

conducted face-to-face either at the couples' home or in a private conference

room on the University of Maine campus. When face-to-face interviews were

unable to be conducted, phone interviews were used for the other half of the

participants. The interview took approximately one hour. During face-to-face

and phone interviews, notes were taken and the interviews were tape-recorded

when the participants were willing (half agreed to be taped). At the end of the

interview, subjects were given the opportunity to review their responses for

omissions or clarifications.

Participants were assured that any and all responses would be kept

confidential. No names were included in the data report; a code number was

assigned to each interview. The notes and tapes from the interviews were kept

in the locked office of the researcher. Only the primary investigator and her

advisor had access to the interview notes.

Data Analysis

This was an exploratory study and was completed using a relatively small

sample of participants. Therefore, the major portion of the data analysis utilized

descriptive statistics. Whenever possible, responses were analyzed and

examined for commonalities and differences.

CHAPTER 4

RESULTS

The purpose of this study was to gain insight into the issues that are

unique to marriages in which the woman is significantly older than her husband.

The results for the three research questions are presented below.

Research Question I

The first research question asked, "What impact has the age difference

(specifically because the woman is significantly older) had on the relationship?"

Six questions (Q19-24) from the interview schedule pertained to this area.

Results are presented in Table 2. The first question (Q19) asked participants to

identify the unique benefits of being in this type of relationship. The most typical

responses included: she has more life experiencelmaturity (n=7), she is more

established in her careerlfinances (n=6), a younger man helps keep her

younglactive (n=3), and not being stuck in traditional roles (n=3). Two mentioned

death and dying issues - one in reference to the husband being around for their

child should she die earlier, while another couple discussed the advantage of

dying at the same time (noting that women typically live 10 years longer than

men). Examples include:

"She helped me through areas I was not mature in, and she had

more life experience and perspective." (Husband, Couple #8)

"She has herself established with where she was in her life - she

had already established her professional career and owned her

own home." (Husband, Couple #4)

Table 2: Results for Research Question 1

l ~ h a t Impact has the age difference (specifically because the woman is significantly older) I

-Life ExperienceIMaturity -She is more Establilshed in her CareerIFinances -Keeps her active -Not Stuck in Traditional Roles

~ u e s t 6 n 20: rawb backs r -Aging -Social Stigma

Question 23: Reactions -Family No lssues -Family lssues

Children's Reactions (5 Couples With Children Old Enough) -Children No lssues -Children lssues

I

"He is an active person, and having a younger person helps me to

be active." (Wife, Couple #6)

"By marrying a younger man I am going against the traditional idea

that I should marry someone who is older and will take care of me."

(Wife, Couple #4)

The second question (Q20) asked couples to identify unique drawbacks to

this type of relationship. Two themes emerged: the issue of aging (as it relates to

looks, health, and being active) (n=7) and social stigma (n=4) attached to older

women being with younger men.

"I am concerned about aging and him still wanting me when I'm old

and wrinkly, and I don't want to look like his mother. " (Wife, Couple

# I > 'We hesitate to tell others, for the most part, because we know how

people have reacted in the past and the remarks that have been

made. People are pretty close-minded." (Husband, Couple #5)

The third question (Q21) asked the subjects if the age difference played a

role in attracting them to their spouse. Six out of the sixteen participants said

that the age difference had played a role in their initial attraction to their spouse,

and three of the six noted that they had always been attracted to the age

difference. Examples include:

"Yes, the novelty of it was great and I was really attracted to his

boyish charm." (Wife, Couple #2).

"It did play a role in attracting me to her. I guess you could say that

I've always had a thing for older women." (Husband, Couple #7)

The fourth question (Q22) asked couples about who knows about their

age difference, and if it is something they keep or initially kept as a secret. While

all of the couples reported that at least close friends and family were aware of

their age difference, half of the couples (4:8) reported that they had some

hesitancy around telling others about their age difference, especially in the

beginning of their relationship. Two examples include:

'All of our friends and family know. We didn't necessarily keep it as

a secret, but we didn't say anything to family members until they

got to know her first."(Husband, Couple #6)

'Everyone knows. Initially I kept it as a secret and I even lied about

his age. I didn't tell my mother for a long time how young he

actually was." (Wife, Couple #I )

The fifth question (Q23) asked about people's reaction to the age

difference and the kinds of responses they received. While nine of the sixteen

participants said that their family was fine, seven said that their family had

negative reactions to the age difference, at least initially and especially the

mother. Four of these couples said that her parents were skeptical or against the

relationship, and three couples identified that his parents expressed concern.

Examples of family reactions include:

"Her mother had big doubts about the relationship." (Husband,

Couple #2)

"Our parents were absolutely dumbfounded and in disbelief about

the relationship because we look so obviously different in age. "

(Husband, Couple #3)

"My parents weren't bothered at all. In fact, my father was happy

that I found someone to love." (Wife, Couple #4)

"His parents were concerned at first, but since his mother is 4 years

older than his father, that helped." (Wife, Couple #6)

This question also asked couples that had children about their children's

reaction. Five of the couples had children old enough to understand the age

difference. Three couples reported that their children had a negative reaction to

the relationship, at least initially, due to the fact that the husband is close in age

to her children from a previous relationship. One couple commented that they

have had positive reactions from their children. Examples include:

"Her kids think I'm cool, but there are power struggles over who

parents the kids because I am close to their age." (Husband,

Couple # I )

"We both had teens from previous marriages and have had good

reactions, in fact my daughter actually fixed us up!" (Husband,

Couple #5)

Three of the couples reported that their friends had reservations about the

relationship (referring to it as "robbing the cradle"). On the other hand, one of the

participants (Wife, Couple #5) noted that her friends saw it as a good thing

"Thank god he's younger because she'd kill someone her own age" (because

she's so active and it's assumed that a man her age wouldn't be able to keep

UP).

The last question that pertains to research question one (Q24) asked if

age differences could be forgotten. Overall, most participants agreed (14:16)

that age differences can be forgotten on a daily basis, however instances such

as birthdays, filling out forms that ask for ages, and talk of her retirement are

examples of times when age cannot be forgotten. Examples include:

'Yes, in everyday life it can be forgotten although it is always

present underneath." (Wife, Couple #2)

"No, I don't think so. I think about it occasionally and I have

concerns about not wanting to be a burden on him later in life."

(Wife, Couple #6)

Research Question 2

The second research question asked, "What issues are presented by the

couples involved in age heterogamous marriages in which the woman is older?"

Five questions (Q25-29) from the interview schedule pertained to this area.

Results are presented in Table 3. The first question (Q25) asked if the

participants had doubts about continuinglpursuing the relationship once they

discovered the age difference, and if so what issues were raised. Nine of the

sixteen participants stated that they did have doubts about continuing the

relationship because of the age difference, while seven did not. The most

common reasons for doubting identified were about her aging (n=4), acceptance

by family (n=3), and having a pre-made familylstep-parenting (n=3).

Table 3: Results for Research Question 2

l ~ h a t Issues are presented by the couples involved in age heterogamous marriages in which 1

-No Doubts

Question 28: When Does Age Come -Work/Career -Power Struggles -Money -Interests

Other -Fertility -No More Children

Issue

'The age difference seems small now, but I feel that it will be a

bigger issue later in life as she grows older and begins to break

down." (Husband, Couple #8)

"I had doubts about my family's reaction to the age difference

especially since my son is only a few years younger than him. I

was also worried about my daughter not liking it." (Wife, Couple

#3 )

"I did have doubts about marrying into a pre-made family and

wondered if I really wanted to marry into this." (Husband, Couple

#I )

The second question (Q26) asked if the age difference affected intimacy

especially around experience and attractiveness. Twelve of the sixteen subjects

stated that they did not have any issues with intimacy because of the age

difference; while four stated that it was an issue for them (two were related to

experience; two were related to attractiveness). Examples included:

"She had been with more people and this was a concern for me."

(Husband, Couple #2)

"There are body issues around not feeling slim and trim and it's a

struggle to keep a youthful body." (Wife, Couple #6)

"There are issues around her lack of experience because there is a

decade of difference in things that are acceptable." (Husband,

Couple #8)

The third question (Q27) asked if the age difference was a bigger issue for

himlher or their spouse. Five participants did not see this as an issue for either

of them, however eight reported that it was a bigger issue for her (5 husbands

and 3 wives said this). Only three subjects reported that it was a bigger issue for

him (2 husbands and 1 wife said this). Examples include:

'Xge difference is bigger for her because she is concerned about

me finding her attractive when we get older. " (Husband, Couple

# I 1

"I am very self-conscious that I look older than he does. " (Wife,

Couple #5).

The fourth question (Q28) asked couples to identify when age comes

up as an issue particularly in areas such as worklcareer, power struggles,

money, and ageldevelopmental issues. Only two couples felt that there were

issues related to worklcareer. Three couples identified power struggles due to

the age difference as an issue in their marriage. No couples identified money as

an issue, even though in three relationships she makes more than he does. Four

of the eight couples identified different interests due to their ageldevelopmental

differences; all four of the couples stated that they have different music and

television/movie interests. Three examples include:

"I felt pressure to establish my own career because she was so

established; she wasn't going to wait around for me to get my act

together." (Husband, Couple #4)

"He treats me like a parent and once in a while he'll even call me

mom by accident." (Wife, Couple #3)

"We have different music and TV interests. Let me put it this way, I

saw the original Brady Bunch and he saw the re-runs." (Wife,

Couple #4)

Other issues identified by the participants centered on fertility (biological

clock) as well as her not wanting to have any more children. Half of the couples

raised these as concerns.

"By the time we met and married my biological clock had already

run out so we missed out on having children. " (Wife, Couple #6)

'Age made a difference when we were deciding to have kids.

Because of my age, I didn't want to wait, he would have liked to

wait a while." (Wife, Couple #8)

"She already had children and doesn't want any more kids, even

though I would like to father my own children." (Husband, Couple

#2)

Finally, the last question (Q29) asked participants what advice they would

give to other couples entering into this type of marriage. A list of suggestions can

found in Table 4. The advice ranged from not letting age be a factor, to being

realistic and aware of the differences that may exist. One of the themes that was

most apparent in the advice given was that the subjects felt participating in a

woman-older relationship was certainly something that they would recommend to

others, but that it was important for them to know what they were getting into.

Table 4: Advice for People Entering This Type of Marriage (Question 29)

- "Know what you want: don't try to make people younger or older, just let them be who they

I are."

- "Be prepared for the nasty comments." - "Be prepared that there are people who don't approve." - "Go for it if you can set the differences aside". - "Work out her being a mother." - "Don't worry about what others think, you are the ones who have to be happy." - "If it's going to be successful you have to make sure that you get past the age difference

because it could be destructive. This is the best way to be successful." - "If the guy gets hung up on the fact that they girl is older then it won't work."

- "The guy has to accept the fact that he needs to have a healthy ego and not fall into traditional roles."

- "To some extent age shouldn't matter, it's how you get along with someone". - "As long as you don't mind, I'd say it would be alright." - "You have to make up your own mind, it depends on the individual."

- "There are differences and they will exist and adding age is another issue you have to work around. You have to work around it and work together. Watch out because age can apply to interests and to children."

- "A good friend told me that what matters is that we are in the same place." - "Can't disregard people because of their age." - "Take things day by day and don't let it consume you." - "It can make things more interesting." - "Follow your heart and don't stop talking: communicate." - "Pretend each day is your honeymoon." - "I'm doing what men have been doing for centuries." - "Shouldn't put your head in the sand." - "Go into it with eyes wide open and be realistic." - "While it may not be an issue for you, it may be for others so you need to be secure in your

relationship." - "Be glad that you aren't in a stereotypical relationship; it's great for women." - "Be careful about not putting the person in the parent role and the other in the child role." - "Put the age issue behind them. A relationship isn't based on numbers. Any relationship i:

built on morals and important commonalities." - "I would not let age enter into it." - "lt's a hard thing to do. Take a look again at your goals and objectives, but play them

against each other's while looking at moving into older age." - "lt's about the level of trust you have for each of you that the relationship will last." - "You have to be very honest when combining households. You have to look at what you

are letting go of and it's important to discuss what has sentimental value." - "Same as to anyone getting married: take time to get to know the person and love and

respect them. Age doesn't matter." - "Don't let social conventions about older women and younger men get in the way."

Another theme that emerged was to be aware of what society was thinking and

to be prepared for the social stigma that surrounds this type of relationship.

Research Question 3

The third research question asked, "Do husbands and wives perceive

different issues being raised within the context of the woman-older marriage?"

Eleven questions (1 9-29) from the interview protocol pertained to this area.

There were no differences between what husbands and wives had to say in

several areas including whether they hesitated to tell anyone about their

relationship (Q22), their family and children's reactions (Q23), impact on their

intimacy (Q26), and when age comes up as an issue (Q28).

However, there were a number of differences in the way wives and

husbands responded to several questions that may indicate a variation in their

experience within this type of marriage as presented in Tables 2 and 3. In

question 19 there was a difference between what men and women identified as

benefits of being involved in a woman-older marriage. Men overwhelmingly

described the woman having life experience as being a benefit (6:8 as compared

to 1 :8 women). Men also identified more often than women that her being more

established in her careerlfinances was also a benefit (4:8 as compared to 2:8

women). In question 20 women identified more often than men the social stigma

as a drawback to this type of relationship than men (3:8 women and 1 :8 men).

Question 21 asked the husbands and wives if the age difference attracted

them to their spouse. While the men identified more often than the women that

the age difference attracted them to their spouse (4:8 men said yes and 2:8

women said yes), the women identified more often that his younger age was not

a factor in her attraction to him (6:8 women said no and 4:8 men said no). When

asked if age difference can be forgotten (Q24), more men than women said yes

(8:8 men and 6:8 women).

Question 25 asked if the participants had doubts about

continuing/pursuing the relationship, and the wives were much more likely to say

that they did have doubts (7:8) as compared to the men who said they had no

doubts (6:8). When asked if age difference is a bigger issue for your or your

spouse (Q27), the husbands were much more likely to identify the wives as

having the bigger problem (5:8), whereas the wives were more likely to say that

neither of them saw the age difference as a big issue (4:8).

CHAPTER 5

DISCUSSION

This study provided some insight into the lives of eight married couples

involved in an age-heterogamous relationship where the wife was eight or more

years older than her husband. The interviews explored three major areas of

interest: the impact that age has difference has on the relationship, the issues

that arise for the couple, and any differences in husbands and wives experience.

The results will be discussed below as well implications for couples in this type of

relationship and further research. Limitations for this study will also be noted.

The couples that were interviewed in this study supported much of the

research in regards to who these women are that marry a man who is

significantly younger. As previous studies have found, these women tend to be

educated (Atkinson and Glass, 1985), marry later in life (Shehan et.al., 1991),

and in a second marriage (Shehan et.al., 1991). In fact, six of the eight women

interviewed for this study had at least a college education, were in their late 30's

to early 40's when marrying their husband, and had been married at least once

before. In addition one study (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979) found that women

reported that they had been attracted to younger men in the past. In fact in this

study six of the women interviewed for this study had been previously involved

with younger men.

It is interesting to note that many of the couples that were interviewed

appeared to be similar in age and therefore no one would ever guess that there

was such a difference. This might explain why so many of the couples did not

see their relationship as a big challenge unless they told others about their age

difference.

Research Question 1

The literature on the topic of age-heterogamous relationships in which the

woman is significantly older than her husband is scarce and much of the

literature that does exist is either outdated or has only determined what "type" of

person engages in this kind of marriage (Atkinson & Glass, 1985; Bytheway,

1981; Seskin & Ziegler, 1979; Shehan, Berardo, Vera, & Carley, 1991; Vera,

Berardo, & Berardo, 1985).

One study (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979) briefly explored the impact that that

age difference can have on the relationship and identified that many women

reported feeling social pressures from their friends and family. This finding was

supported by the present research in which almost half of the women reported

that the social stigma surrounding the woman-older marriage was a drawback to

the relationship. Further, half of the men and women reported that their family

and children had problems, at least initially, with their marriage because of its

unconventional nature. This study also found that half of the couples reported

that they were hesitant to tell their friends and family about their relationship.

In addition, Seskin & Ziegler (1979) also found that many women in

woman-older relationships reported that they are attracted to younger men.

However the present study found that it wasn't the women, but actually was the

men. Half of the men reported that they had dated an older woman and were

specifically interested in her because of her age. Unfortunately, there is little

research on the men who date and marry these women.

The couples interview in this study were asked if it was possible to forget

their age difference and the overwhelming majority of the couples reported that it

was possible on a daily basis, but overall the age difference could not be

forgotten. This supported Seskin and Ziegler's (1979) research who found in

their study that age difference did not play a very big role in every day life, and

was able to be "brushed under the carpet." However the women in their study

noted that when they looked at the big picture, the issue of age did come up

periodically and they were unable to forget it completely. In the present study,

this was found to be true for the women and also true for the men.

Research Question 2

There were several issues presented by the couples from the interviews in

this study. Women had more doubts about entering into a women-older

relationship because of that fact she will age sooner. Some women also

identified that intimacy was affected by the age difference and reported that

attractiveness was the biggest issue. These finding are supported by one study

(Seskin & Ziegler, 1979) that found the issues that came up for women included

issues surrounding her aging sooner and intimacy, particularly attractiveness.

When asked if age became an issue around work, power, money, or

interests it was more frequently reported to be an issue for the couple in terms of

their different developmental stages and, therefore, reported differences in

interests (e.g. music and television). This supports previous research by Brings

& Winter (2000). Interestingly enough money was not reported by any of the

couples as an issue, despite previous research that stated her making more

money was the most common source of conflict in this type of marriage (Seskin

& Ziegler, 1979). In fact, many men in this study reported her making more

money to be an advantage rather than a problem. It might be important to note

that the previous research was conducted in 1979 and the current findings might

suggest that times have changed.

One area that has not been mentioned in the research, but was mentioned

by half of the participants, related to issues of fertility and her not wanting to have

more children. Several noted that by marrying at the end of the woman's fertile

years their "biological clock" had run out. Due to the nature of this type of

marriage it seems obvious that this would be a major concern and certainly one

that should be looked into in further research.

Finally, all of the couples in this study shared advice for those couples that

may be entering into this type of marriage. The couples acknowledged that a

social stigma still exists around this type of marriage. The overwhelming content

of the advice centered on being realistic about the age difference, and

recommended that you confront and deal with it directly.

Research Question 3

There is no information in the literature that has looked at how wives and

husbands perceive their woman-older marriage and what they see to be the

issues that are raised within this marriage. This small exploratory study identified

several things that differed between men and women and suggests that overall,

men and women may view their relationship and the issues raised within it

somewhat differently. An important finding to note about this study is that both

men and women are affected by this type of marital arrangement, despite the

focus in the literature on just the women in these types of relationships.

This study found that many men see her having life experience, maturity,

and an established career as an advantage, which goes against the traditional

thinking that the man is supposed to be the one who is more established and

making more money. In fact, the men in this study reported that they were

attracted to her because of the age difference. On the other hand, while it is

more acceptable for him to go against traditional roles, it is less acceptable for

women. This study showed that women still continue to have more doubts, and

the age difference is seen as a bigger issue for her.

In looking at the big picture about what all of this means, it is apparent that

the social stigmas surrounding these woman-older marriages are still alive and

well. However, the couples in these relationships don't seem to be as bothered

by the age difference as the rest of society is. Society places a lot of emphasis

on appearance, and the women in this sample seemed the most concerned

about aging and looking older. On the other hand, men did not appear to be as

worried about this. The men in this study certainly go against the traditional roles

of men, but definitely viewed that as a benefit rather than a drawback to the

relationship.

Implications

Despite the fact that this was a small exploratory study, the findings

provide some implications for professionals working with individuals and couples

(e.g. counseling). Many issues were raised and important advice given in this

study. On a more negative side, it is essential to be aware of the social stigma

that still exists around this type of marriage and to note that she will carry the

greater burden of going against social conventions. Clearly, some couples

experienced family disapproval and therefore it is extremely important to have

clear boundaries around their relationship. Due to the nature of this type of

marriage where she is typically in her late 30's or early 40's, both pregnancy and

parenting issues need to be addressed.

On a more positive note, these findings suggest that a single woman

should recognize that there are men interested in a relationship with an older

woman and they are not intimidated by the age difference. In addition, most

couples in this type of relationship reported that it does not have to affect

intimacy in any way. Finally, it's important to realize that all relationships have

their problems and it is essential not to jump to the conclusion that the age

difference doesn't have to be the reason.

For further research it would be important to consider interviewing couples

together as well as separately, and have all interviews face-to-face. This would

provide the researcher with a more complete picture of the relationship and the

issues faced. It may be beneficial for future researchers to interview only

couples that have no children from previous relationships due to the fact that

adding children into the mix may produce added confounding variables. It would

also be important for future research to compare man-older to woman-older

marriages in order to determine if the issues being raised in the relationship are

specific to age or to gender roles. In addition, the results of this study made it

clear that there are a number of areas that could be further explored such as

pregnancy and parenting issues (such as having to have children sooner

because of the "biological clock", not being able to have children, or not wanting

anymore children), power struggles between the couple, and focusing more

closely on the men in these relationships.

Limitations

This study was conducted locally and was a small, nonrandom sample of

convenience, and therefore cannot be generalized to any outside population.

One limitation of this study may be that the researcher was a young female. This

may have affected the way in which participants responded to the researcher.

The participants were also mostly Caucasian (with the exception of one); issues

raised by couples of different raceslethnicities may be dissimilar. The sample,

overall, was highly educated and this may have skewed the results. A more

even level of education for the sample may have brought forth other issues. The

variety in length of marriage and wide range of age differences in this sample

may also be a further limitation. Sample groups that were more homogamous in

these may have yielded different results.

Only half of the participants could be interviewed face-to-face, and few

were willing to be tape-recorded. The interview format of this research may have

caused potential subjects to be more reluctant to participate in this research, as

well as for those who participated to be embarrassed and, therefore, not be as

forthcoming in the interview. Also the mixed method of interviewing may have

yielded different answers because of the different formats.

The analysis of data in this study might be a further limitation. The

research yielded a wide variety of responses that were analyzed for themes and

patterns. This was difficult because the researcher used her own subjective

ideas to classify and categorize the responses. Researcher bias may have

distorted the interpretation of the responses. However, since the primary

researcher collaborated with another researcher, this may have helped to

minimize the bias.

Many of the results focused on the negative impact that the woman-older

relationship has on the wife. This may be due to the fact that there was a

negative bias in the questions focusing on her being older in the relationship

rather than on him being younger. This may explain why the responses tended

to have a more one-sided focus on how this type of marriage affects her. This

can be seen most obviously in the wording of question 28. For example, when

asked if there are worklcareer issues, the prompt given is that she may have a

more prestigious career and that she may be more established.

Despite all the limitations, this research has opened the door to an area

that is little explored and in need of further research. Clearly society has

changed in such a way that has made this type of relationship less of an

anomaly. As the 2003 AARP study found, 20% of women aged 40 to 69 are

dating younger men (Montenegro, 2003). This is clearly an area that is untapped

for research.

This trend of woman-older marriage may certainly reflect the changing

culture and family structure. If this is true and families are changing along with

cultural attitudes then we are likely to see this trend continue, not only within age-

heterogamous relationships, but across all racial, ethnic, religious, orientation,

and other boundaries.

REFERENCES

Amato, P., Johnson, D. R., Booth, A., Rogers, S. J. (2003). Continuity and change in marital quality between 1980 and 2000. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 65; 1-22.

Atkinson, M. P., Glass, B. L. (1985). Marital age heterogamy and homogamy, 1900 to 1 980. Journal of Marriage and the Family,47, 685-69 1.

Brings, F., Winter, S. (2000). Older Women, Younger Men. New Horizon Press; Far Hills, New Jersey.

Bytheway, W. R. (1981). The variation with age of age differences in marriage. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 43, 923-927.

Houston, V. (1 987). Loving a Younger Man. Contemporary Books, Inc.; New York, New York.

Kerckhoff, A. C., Davis, K. E. (1 962). Value consensus and need complimentarity in mate selection. American Sociological Review, 27, 295-303.

Knox, D., Britton, T., Crisp, B. (1 997). Age discrepant relationships reported by university faculty and their students. College Student Journal, 31, 290- 292.

Knox, D., Zusman, M., Nieves, W. (1997). College students' homogamous preferences for a date and mate. College Student Journal, 31, 445-448.

Montenegro, X. P. (2003). Lifestyles, dating and romance: a study of midlife singles. AARP: The Magazine, 1-1 6.

Picket, L.S. (2003). In praise of your men. 0 : The Oprah Magazine, 83-88.

Seskin, J., Ziegler, B. (1979). Older WomenNounger Men. Anchor Press/Doubleday; Garden City, New York.

Shehan, C. L., Berardo, F. M., Vera, H., Carley, S. M. (1991). Women in age- discrepant marriages. Journal of Family Issues, 12, 291-305.

Vera, H., Berardo, D. H., Berardo, F. M. (1985). Age heterogamy in marriage. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 47, 553-566.

APPENDIX A

RECRUITMENT EMAlL

Hi. My name is Nichole Proulx-King, and I'm a second year graduate

student in Human Development. I'm working on my master's thesis this

semester. The topic of my thesis deals with the impact of age differences in

marriage. More specifically, I am looking at the issues that are raised within the

marriage, as well as by those people outside the marriage, when the woman is

significantly older than her husband.

I am currently looking for couples to interview in which the female partner

is older than her husband. The woman must be at least 8 or more years older

than her husband, and the couple must be married.

The interviews will be about an hour long, and will consist of questions

about the demographics of the couple (e.g. age, race, education, length of

courtship, etc.), demographics of any children (e.g. number of children, age,

etc.), benefits and drawbacks to this type of relationship, people's reactions to

this relationship (e.g. who knows, their responses, etc.), and finally when does

age come up as an issue (e.g. worklcareer, power struggles, etc.). The

interviews will be kept completely confidential, and no names will appear in my

thesis.

If you or someone you know is involved in a marriage where the woman is

significantly older than the man and would consider participating in this research,

please feel free to contact me on first class at nichole.proulx@umit.maine.edu.

APPENDIX B

INTERVIEW QUESTIONS

Demographics: 1. What is your age? 2. What is your sex? 3. What is your race? 4. What is your occupation(s)? 5. How old were you when you married your current partner? 6. How long have you been married to your current partner? 7. How long were you romantically involved with your current partner before getting

married? 8. When did you discover the age difference: before or after becoming romantically

involved? 9. How many times have you been married before this current marriage? 10. For women: Have you had a previous romantic relationship with a younger man? 11. For men: Have you had a previous romantic relationship with an older woman? 12. Is there a trend of age-discrepant, romantic relationships in your family? 13. Do you have children?

Demographics of children (if applicable): 14. How many children do you have? 15. How old are your children? 16. Are your children from a previous relationship? 17. Do you have children with your current partner? 18. Do (or did) your children live with you and your spouse?

Impact of the age difference: 19. What do you see as the unique benefits of this relationship? 20. What do you see as the unique drawbacks to this relationship? 21. Did the age difference play a role in attracting you to your spouse? If so, explain. 22. Who knows about the age difference? Is it something you keep as a "secret"? 23. If people know: How have these people reacted to the age difference? What are the

kinds of responses you get when people find out. If children are involved: What has been their reaction to your age difference?

24. Can age differences be forgotten? Explain.

Issues surrounding the age difference: 25. Did you have doubts about continuinglpursuing the relationship once you found out about

the age difference? If so, what issues were raised and did these cause problems? 26. How did the age difference affect intimacy (i.e. were there issues surrounding

experience, attractiveness, etc.)? 27. Is the age difference a bigger issue for you or your spouse? 28. When does age come up as an issue? Examples:

Worklcareer issues? (e.g., she has more prestigious career? More established?) Power struggles (e.g., he treats her more like parent; she treats him like child) Money issues (e.g., she makes more than he does) Ageldevelopmental issues? (e.g., differences in music interests, TV interests, social interests) Other issues unique to this type of relationship?

29. What advice would you give to people who are entering into this type of marriage?

APPENDIX C

INFORMED CONSENT

You are invited to participate in a research project being conducted by Nichole Proulx-King, a graduate student in the department of Human Development at the University of Maine. The purpose of this research is to examine the impact that significant age differences between women and men, specifically when the woman is older than her husband, has on marriage, as well as the issues that surround this type of age difference.

What will you be asked to do? If you decide to participate, you will be interviewed about your experience in participating in a woman-older marriage. With your permission, I will audiotape the interviews. The interview will take approximately one hour to complete. Questions will include such topics as: demographics of the couple (e.g. age, race, education, length of courtship, etc.), demographics of any children (e.g. number of children, age, etc.), benefits and drawbacks to this type of relationship, people's (friends, family, etc.) reactions to this relationship (e.g. Who knows? What were their responses?), and finally when does age come up as an issue (e.g. worklcareer, power struggles, etc.).

Risks. Other than the possibility that you may become uncomfortable answering some of the questions, there are no foreseeable risks to participating in this research. You may decline to answer any of the questions with which you are not comfortable.

Benefits. While this study may have no direct benefit to you, there is very little research in this area, and it will help us to learn more about the issues that arise and are unique to relationships in which the woman is significantly older than her husband.

Confidentiality. Your name will not be included in any of the documents, instead a code number will be used to protect your identity. No names should be used during the interview, and no names or, to the extent possible other identifying information will be included in my thesis or subsequent reports. The investigator's notes and tapes from the interview will be kept in a locked office and destroyed after they are no longer needed. Only the investigator and her advisor will have access to this information.

Voluntary. Participation in this research is voluntary. If you choose to take part in this study, you may stop at any time during the study. You also have the choice to skip any questions you do not wish to answer.

Contact Information. If you are interested in being interviewed, or if you have any questionslconcerns, please contact the primary investigator, Nichole Proulx-King at 207-827- 0459, or emailing at:nichole.proulx@umit.maine.edu.

You may also contact the faculty advisor of this study, Dr. Sandra Caron by calling 207-581 -31 38 or emailing her at:sandv.caron@umit.maine.edu

If you have any questions about your rights as a research participant, please contact Gayle Anderson, Assistant to the University of Maine's Protection of Human Subjects Review Board, at 207-581-1498 or email:gayle.Anderson@umit.maine.edu.

BIOGKAPHY OF THE AUTHOR

Nichole Proulx-King is the daughter of Raymond and Patricia Proulx and

was born on July 14, 1979, in Laconia, New Hampshire. Nichole spent most of

her childhood in Biddeford, Maine and graduated from Biddeford High School in

June of 1997.

Nichole completed her Bachelor of Arts degree in Sociology at the

University of Maine in May of 2002 and immediately began her Human

Development Master's degree in the fall. Nichole worked as a Graduate

Teaching Assistant for the department of Human Development during her two

years as a graduate student and will be beginning employment as a home-based

family counselor in June. She is a candidate for the Master of Science degree in

Human Development from the University of Maine in August, 2004.