Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway®...2015/02/06  · Fear will always be a part of all of our lives in...

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FEELTHE FEAR ... AND DO IT ANYWAY® Dynamic techniques for turning Fear, Indecision and Anger into Power, Action and Love Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.

Transcript of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway®...2015/02/06  · Fear will always be a part of all of our lives in...

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FEELTHEFEAR...ANDDOITANYWAY®DynamictechniquesforturningFear,IndecisionandAngerinto

Power,ActionandLove

SusanJeffers,Ph.D.

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Copyright©1987,2007bySusanJeffers,Ph.D.

JeffersPressAdivisionofSusanJeffers,LLCP.O.Box5338SantaMonica,CA90409

FeeltheFear...andDoItAnywayisaregisteredtrademarkofSusanJeffers,Ph.D.

AllrightsreservedunderInternationalandPan-AmericanCopyrightConventions.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopying,recording,oranyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,withoutpermissioninwritingfromthepublisher.

ISBN:978-1-938296-62-8

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Praisefor

FEELTHEFEAR...ANDDOITANYWAY®“Livingistakingchances,andFeeltheFear…andDoItAnywayhashelpedsomanypeople,bothmenandwomen,toachievesuccess.”

—LOUISEL.HAYAuthorofYouCanHealYourLife

“Shouldberequiredforeverypersonwhocanread!Irecommendthisbookineveryoneofmyseminars!”

—JACKCANFIELDCo-authorofChickenSoupfortheSoul

“It’samust!ThemostpracticalguidetopersonalempowermentIhaveeverread.FeeltheFear...andDoItAnywaygoestonumberoneonmyrecommendedreadinglist.”

—JORDANPAULCo-authorofDoIHavetoGiveUpMetoBeLovedbyYou

“[Abookthat]callstothecourageoussoulineachofus—towhichthesoulanswers‘Yes!’soclearlythatwecannothelpbuthear.”

—GINIKOPECKY,Redbook

“Comforting,practical,upbeat...acommonsenseexerciseprogramforthemind.”

—TheSanDiegoUnion

“Unlikemostbooksthatpurporttohelpthereaderfacelife’sproblems,SusanJeffersisfullofadvicethatisactuallyworkable.Moreover,it’sapleasuretoread.”

—McCall’s

“Sage,commonsenseadvice.Usefulforitsencouragementandinsights.”

—Booklist

“Unique...Atrulyrevolutionarytooltofearlessliving!”

—ThePilot

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BooksandAudiosbySusanJeffers,Ph.D.(inalphabeticalorder)

DaretoConnect:ReachingOutinRomance,FriendshipandtheWorkplace*

EmbracingUncertainty:BreakthroughMethodsforAchievingPeaceofMindWhenFacingtheUnknown*

EndtheStruggleandDancewithLife:HowtoBuildYourselfUpWhentheWorldGetsYouDown*

TheFear-LessSeriesInnerTalkforaConfidentDay*InnerTalkforaLovethatWorks*InnerTalkforPeaceofMind*

TheFeeltheFearSeriesFeeltheFear...andBeyond:DynamicTechniquesforDoingItAnyway*

FeeltheFearandDoItAnyway:HowtoTurnYourFearandIndecisionintoConfidenceandAction*TheFeeltheFearGuidetoLastingLove*

FeeltheFearPowerPlanner:90DaystoaFullerLife

ICanHandleIt:FiftyConfidenceBuildingStoriesforChildren3-7(co-authoredwithDonnaGradstein)

I’mOkay...You’reaBrat:SettingthePrioritiesStraightandFreeingYoufromtheGuiltandMadMythsofParenthood*(Titled-FreeingOurselvesfromtheMadMythsofParenthood*intheUK)

LifeisHuge!Laughing,LovingandLearningfromitAll

LosingaLoveandFindingaLife:HealingthePainofaBrokenRelationship

OpeningOurHeartstoMen:TransformPain,LonelinessandAngerintoTrust,IntimacyandLove*

TheLittleBookofConfidence

TheLittleBookofPeaceofMind

ThoughtsofPowerandLove*(quotesfromtheworksofSusanJeffers)

*Alsoavailableinaudiotapeand/orCD

AUDIOTAPESFROMLIVEAPPEARANCESTheArtofFearbusting(alsoavailableinCD)

AFearbustingWorkshopFlirtingfromtheHeart

OpeningOurHeartstoEachOther

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www.susanjeffers.com

http://www.susanjeffers.com
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Forthewonderfulgiftsoflifeandlove,Idedicatethisbooktothelovingmemoryofmymother,Jeanne,andmyfather,Leon.

Ialsodedicatethisbooktomyjewelofahusband,MarkShelmerdine,whobringssomuchloveandjoyintomylife.Iamtrulyblessed.

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Forewordtothe20th-AnniversaryEdition

Idobelieveinmiracles...andthesuccessofFeeltheFear...andDoItAnywayisamiracletome.SomanypublishersrejecteditinthebeginningthatIalmostgaveuptryingtohaveitpublished.Afterall,ifyoureceivedarejectionletter,asIdid,thatsaid,“LadyDicouldbecyclingnudedownthestreetgivingthisbookaway,nobodywouldreadit,”wouldn’tyoubetemptedtogiveuptrying?

Iactuallydidputthemanuscriptawayinadrawerforafewyearsandalmostforgotaboutit.Oneday,Idecidedtocleanoutthatparticulardrawer...andthereitwas...waitingforme.Isatdownandreadthroughitagain.Icouldn’tpushawaythefeelingthatmybookhadsomethingimportanttosay.ThistimeImadeavowtomyself:“SomehowIamgoingtofindawaytogetFeeltheFear...andDoItAnywayoutintotheworld!”AndsoI“feltthefear”andtriedonceagaintofindapublisher.Andthistime,withadeepinnerresolveandwiththehelpofmyagent,DominickAbel,Ifoundapublisheratlast.

TwentyyearshavepassedsinceFeeltheFear...andDoItAnywaywasactuallypublished.Itisnowinmorethanonehundredcountriesandhasbeentranslatedintomorethanthirtylanguages.Andthatnumbercontinuestogrow.Fromthiscontinuousgrowth,onecanconcludethatthewordsIwrotesolongagoareasrelevanttodayastheywerethen...ifnotmoreso!

Fearwillalwaysbeapartofallofourlivesinoneformoranother.Andthisappliestopeopleeverywhere.FromthelettersofthanksIreceivefromallovertheworld,itisclearthatnomatterwhoweare,nomatterwherewelive,nomatterwhatweareexperiencinginlife,weallfeelfear,butfeardoesn’tneedtoholdusbackfromlivingarichandbeautifullife.Wecanovercomeourfearsbyregularlyusingthepowerfultoolsthatliewithinthesepages.

IthankthosewhohavecommunicatedwithmeforgenerouslylettingmeknowthatFeeltheFear...andDoItAnywayhasmadeahugedifferenceinthequalityofyourlives.ItbringsmeaspecialfeelingofjoyandhumilitytoknowthatIhavetouchedthelivesofsomanypeople.

Andforyou“beginners”whoareopeningthisbookforthefirsttime,trustmewhenItellyouthatfeardoesn’thavetoholdyouback.You,too,canlearnhowtopushthroughyourfears—allofyourfears—withasenseofpower,excitement,andlove.Andthat’swhatthisbookisallabout.

Asyouwilldiscover,theconceptsandtoolsyouareabouttolearnaremeanttobeusedforalifetime.Learnthemwell.Andeverytimeanewchallengecomesintoyourlife,youneedonlyreachintoyour“toolbox”andmoveyourselffromtheweakesttothestrongestpartofwhoyouare.Asyoudoso,youwillbeabsolutelyamazedattheincredibleamountofpoweryouholdinside:powertolove,powertosucceed,powertohelptheworldinyourownspecialway.Thejourneytothebestofwhoyouareisexcitingandrewarding,andIamsohappytobewalkingrightalongwithyouasyoutakethosefirstimportantsteps.

Frommyhearttoyours,

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Introduction

OPENINGTHEDOORWhatisitforyou?

Fearof...publicspeakingassertingyourselfmakingdecisions

intimacychangingjobsbeingalone

agingdriving

losingalovedoneendingarelationship?

Isitsomeoftheabove?Alloftheabove?Perhapsyoucouldaddafewmoretothelist.Nevermind...jointhecrowd!Fearseemstobeepidemicinoursociety.Wefearbeginnings;wefearendings.Wefearchanging;wefear“stayingstuck.”Wefearsuccess;wefearfailure.Wefearliving;wefeardying.

Whateverthefear,thisbookwillgiveyoutheinsightandtoolstovastlyimproveyourabilitytohandleanygivensituation.Youwillmovefromaplaceofpain,paralysis,anddepression(feelingsthatoftenaccompanyfear)tooneofpower,energy,andexcitement.

Youmaybesurprisedandencouragedtolearnthatwhileinabilitytodealwithfearmaylookandfeellikeapsychologicalproblem,inmostcasesitisn’t.Ibelieveitisprimarilyaneducationalproblem,andthatbyreeducatingthemind,youcanacceptfearassimplyafactofliferatherthanabarriertosuccess.(Thisshouldbearelieftoallofyououttherewhohavebeenwondering“What’swrongwithme?”)

Myconvictionthatfearcanbedealtwiththroughreeducationcameaboutthroughmyownexperiences.WhenIwasyounger,Iwasalwaysrunbyfear,soitwasn’tsurprisingthatforyearsIhungontomanythingsinmylifethatclearlywerenotworkingforme.

Partofmyproblemwasthenonstoplittlevoiceinsidemyheadthatkepttellingme,“YOU’DBETTERNOTCHANGEYOURSITUATION.THERE’SNOTHINGELSEOUTTHEREFORYOU.YOU’LLNEVERMAKEITONYOUROWN.”YouknowtheoneI’mtalkingabout—theonethatkeepsremindingyou,“DON’TTAKEACHANCE.YOUMIGHTMAKEAMISTAKE.BOY,WILLYOUBESORRY!”

Myfearneverseemedtoabate,andIdidn’thaveamoment’speace.Evenmydoctorateinpsychologydidn’tseemtodomemuchgood.Thenoneday,asIwasdressingforwork,Ireachedtheturningpoint.Ihappenedtoglanceinthemirror,andIsawanall-too-familiarsight—eyesredandpuffyfromtearsofself-pity.Suddenlyragewelledupinsideme,andIbeganshoutingatmyreflection,“ENOUGH...ENOUGH...ENOUGH!”IshouteduntilIhadnomoreenergy(orvoice)left.

WhenIstopped,IfeltastrangeandwonderfulsenseofreliefandcalmIhadneverfeltbefore.Withoutrealizingitatthetime,Ihadgottenintouchwithaverypowerfulpartofmyselfthatbeforethat

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momentIhadn’tevenknownexisted.ItookanotherlonglookinthemirrorandsmiledasInoddedmyheadYES.Theoldfamiliarvoiceofdoomandgloomwasdrownedout,atleasttemporarily,andanewvoicehadcometothefore—onethatspokeofstrengthandloveandjoyandallgoodthings.AtthatmomentIknewIwasnotgoingtoletfeargetthebestofme.Iwouldfindawaytoridmyselfofthenegativismthatprevailedinmylife.Thus,myodysseybegan.

Anancientsageoncesaid,“Whenthestudentisready,theteacherwillappear.”Thestudentwasready,andteachersappearedfromallovertheplace.Ibegantoread,attendworkshops,andtalktoasmanypeopleaswouldlisten.Diligentlyfollowingeverysuggestionandlead,Iunlearnedthethinkingthathadbeenkeepingmeaprisonerofmyowninsecurities.Ibegantoseetheworldasalessthreateningandmorejoyousplace;Istartedtoseemyselfassomeonewhohadpurpose;andIexperiencedthemeaningofloveforthefirsttimeinmylife.

AtthispointIbegantonoticemanyotherpeoplestrugglingwiththesamebarriersIhadfinallylearnedtopushthrough—themainbarrierbeingfear.HowcouldIhelpthem?Realizingthattheprocessesthathadtransformedmylifewereeducationalinnature,IwasconvincedthatthesametechniquesIhadusedcouldbetaughttoanyone,regardlessofage,sex,orbackground.IwasabletotestmytheoryintherealworldbyteachingacourseatTheNewSchoolforSocialResearch,inNewYorkCity.Called“FeeltheFear...andDoItAnyway,”thecoursewasdescribedasfollows:

Wheneverwetakeachanceandenterunfamiliarterritoryorputourselvesintotheworldinanewway,weexperiencefear.Veryoftenthisfearkeepsusfrommovingaheadwithourlives.ThetrickistoFEELTHEFEARANDDOITANYWAY.Togetherwewillexplorethebarriersthatkeepusfromexperiencinglifethewaywewanttoliveit.Somanyofusshort-circuitourlivingbychoosingthepaththatisthemostcomfortable.Throughreadings,classdiscussions,andinterestingexerciseswewilllearntoidentifyourexcusesfor“stayingstuck”anddevelopthetechniquesfortakingcontrolofourownlives.

Myexperimentwithtakingtheconceptoffearoutoftherealmoftherapyandplacingitintheareaofeducationwasextremelysuccessful.Mystudentswereamazedathowshiftingtheirthinkingmagicallyreshapedtheirlives.Theconceptsworkedforthemastheyhadworkedforme.And,notsurprisingly,mystudentsalsobecamemyteachers.TheyreaffirmedandaddedtomyfundofknowledgeasIlistenedcarefullytotheirwisdom.

Thoseofyouwhoarereadingthisbookhaveacknowledgedthatwhereveryouareinlifeatthismomentisnotexactlytheplaceyouwanttobe.Somethingneedschanging,anduntilnowyouhaven’tbeenabletotakethestepstochangeit.Whateveryourcircumstances,youarereadytostarttakingchargeofyourlife.

I’mnotpromisingthatchangeiseasy.Ittakescouragetomoldyourlifethewayyouwantittobe.Thereareallsortsofrealandimaginedobstaclesthatgetintheway.Theyneednotdeteryou.Inyourjourneythroughthisbookyouwillbecomefamiliarwithmanyconcepts,exercises,andotherdevicestohelpyouunravelthecomplexitiesoffear...andthushelpyoudealwithit.

Youwilllearn:

howitcanbeimpossibletomakeamistakeorawrongdecisionhowtoletgoofnegativeprogramminghowitisimpossibletobeconnedhowtosay“yes”toallcircumstancesinyourlifehowtoraiseyourlevelofself-esteemhowtobecomemoreassertive

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howtoconnectwiththepowerhousewithinhowtocreatemorelove,trust,andsatisfactionhowtodealwithresistancefromsignificantothersasyoutakemorecontrolofyourlifehowtoexperiencemoreenjoymenthowtomakeyourdreamsbecomearealityhowtoseeyourselfashavingpurposeandmeaning

Asyouread,underlinethosesectionsofthebookthat“speak”toyou,sothatlateryoucaneasilyfindcriticalpassagestohelpyoufacenewsituationsinlife.Ittakesalotofreinforcementtoincorporatenewconceptsintoyourbehavior,socommityourselftodoingtheexercises.Theamountofimprovementyouexperiencewilldependonhowmuchyouarewillingtoactivelyparticipate.Also,themoreyougetinvolved,themorefunyouwillhave.Youwillbesurprisedandpleasedattheamountofsatisfactionthatcomesasyoutakeeachlittlestepforward.

Nomatterwhatdegreeofinsecurityyouarefeeling,apartofyouknowsthereisalotofwonderful“stuff”withinyoujustwaitingtobeletout,andNOWistheperfecttimeforopeningthedoortothepowerandlovewithin.

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I amabouttoteachanotherfearclass.Theclassroomisempty.Iamwaitingformynewgroupofstudentstoappear.Mynervousnessaboutteachingtheseclassesdisappearedalongtimeago.NotonlyhaveItaughtitmanytimes,butIalsoknowmystudentsbeforeImeetthem.Theyareliketherestofus:alltryingtodothebesttheycanandalluncertainaboutwhetherthey’regood

enough.Itnevervaries.Asthestudentsentertheroom,Icanfeelthetension.Theysitasfarapartfromoneanotheras

possible,untiltheseatsbetweenmustbefilledbecauseoflackofspace.Theydon’ttalktooneanother,butsitnervously,expectantly.Ilovethemfortheircouragetoadmitthattheirlivesarenotworkingthewaytheywantthemtowork.Andtheirpresenceintheclasssignifiesthattheyarereadytodosomethingaboutit.

Ibeginbygoingaroundtheroomaskingeachstudenttotelltherestofuswhatheorsheishavingdifficultyconfrontinginlife.Theirstoriesunfold:

Donwantstochangehiscareeroffourteenyearsandfollowhisdreamofbecominganartist.MaryAliceisanactresswhowantstodiscoverwhyshefindsallkindsofexcusesfornot

attendingauditions.Sarahwantstoleaveamarriageoffifteenyears.Teddywantstogetoverhisfearofaging.Heisallofthirty-two.Jeanisaseniorcitizenwhowantstoconfrontherdoctor;hetreatsherlikeachildandnever

givesheranystraightanswers.Pattiwantstoexpandherbusiness,butcan’tmaketherequiredleaptothenextstep.Rebeccawantstoconfrontherhusbandwiththingsthathavebeenbotheringher.Kevinwantstogetoverafearofrejectionthatmakesitverydifficulttoaskawomanfora

date.Lauriewantstoknowwhysheisunhappywhenshehaseverythingonecouldpossiblywantin

life.Richardisretiredandfeelsuseless.Hefearshislifeisover.

Andsoitgoesuntileveryone’sstoryisheard.I’mfascinatedwithwhathappensduringthego-around.Aseachpersonsharesfromtheheart,the

entireatmospherebeginstochange.Thetensionquicklyfadesandreliefisexpressedoneveryone’sface.

First,mystudentsbegintorealizethattheyarenottheonlyonesintheworldfeelingafraid.Second,theybegintoseehowattractivepeoplebecomeastheyopenupandsharetheirfeelings.Longbeforethelastpersonhasspoken,afeelingofwarmthandcamaraderiepervadestheroom.Theyarestrangersnomore.

Althoughthebackgroundsandsituationsoftheclassmembersvarygreatly,itdoesnottakelongforthesurfacelayersoftheirparticularstoriestodisappear,openingthewayforeveryonetotouchonaveryhumanlevel.Thecommondenominatoristhefactthatfeariskeepingallofthemfromexperiencinglifethewaytheywanttoexperienceit.

ThescenarioaboverepeatsitselfineachfearclassIteach.Atthispointyoumightbewonderinghowonecoursecanaccommodateallthediversefearsreportedbytheclassmembers—theirneedsseemtobesovaried.It’strue.Theydoseemvarieduntilwedigalittledeeperandlookattheunderlyingcauseofalltheirfears—andeveryoneelse’s.

Fearcanbebrokendownintothreelevels.Thefirstlevelisthesurfacestory,suchastheonesdescribedabove.Thisleveloffearcanbedividedintotwotypes:thosethat“happen”andthosethatrequireaction.HereisapartiallistofLevel1fearsdividedintothesetypes:

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LEVEL1FEARS

Thosethat“Happen”AgingBecomingdisabledRetirementBeingaloneChildrenleavinghomeNaturaldisastersLossoffinancialsecurityChangeDyingWarIllnessLosingalovedoneAccidentsRape

ThoseRequiringActionGoingbacktoschoolMakingdecisionsChangingacareerMakingfriendsEndingorbeginningarelationshipGoingtothedoctorAssertingoneselfLosingweightBeinginterviewedDrivingPublicspeakingMakingamistakeIntimacy

Youmighthaveafewyoucanaddtothelist.AsIhintedearlier,youwouldn’tbealoneifyousaidtoyourself,“Someoftheabove”oreven“Alloftheabove.”Thereisareasonforthis.Oneoftheinsidiousqualitiesoffearisthatittendstopermeatemanyareasofourlives.Forexample,ifyoufearmakingnewfriends,itthenstandstoreasonthatyoualsomayfeargoingtoparties,havingintimaterelationships,applyingforjobs,andsoon.

Thisismadeclearerbyalookatthesecondlayeroffear,whichhasaverydifferentfeelfromthatofLevel1.Level2fearsarenotsituation-oriented;theyinvolvetheego.

LEVEL2FEARS

RejectionBeingconnedSuccessHelplessness

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FailureDisapprovalBeingvulnerableLossofimage

Level2fearshavetodowithinnerstatesofmindratherthanexteriorsituations.Theyreflectyoursenseofselfandyourabilitytohandlethisworld.Thisexplainswhygeneralizedfeartakesplace.Ifyouareafraidofbeingrejected,thisfearwillaffectalmosteveryareaofyourlife—friends,intimaterelationships,jobinterviews,andsoon.Rejectionisrejection—whereveritisfound.Soyoubegintoprotectyourself,and,asaresult,greatlylimityourself.Youbegintoshutdownandcloseouttheworldaroundyou.LookovertheLevel2listonceagain,andyouwillseehowanyoneofthesefearscangreatlyimpactmanyareasofyourlife.

Level3getsdowntothenitty-grittyoftheissue:thebiggestfearofall—theonethatreallykeepsyoustuck.Areyouready?

LEVEL3FEAR

ICAN’THANDLEIT!

“That’sit?That’sthebigdeal?”youmayask.Iknowyou’redisappointedandwantedsomethingmuchmoredramaticthanthat.Butthetruthisthis:

ATTHEBOTTOMOFEVERYONEOFYOURFEARSISSIMPLYTHEFEARTHATYOUCAN’THANDLE

WHATEVERLIFEMAYBRINGYOU.

Let’stestthis.TheLevel1fearstranslateto:

Ican’thandleillness.Ican’thandlemakingamistake.Ican’thandlelosingmyjob.Ican’thandlegettingold.Ican’thandlebeingalone.Ican’thandlemakingafooloutofmyself.Ican’thandlenotgettingthejob.Ican’thandlelosinghim/her.Ican’thandlelosingmymoney...etc.

TheLevel2fearstranslateto:

Ican’thandletheresponsibilitiesofsuccess.Ican’thandlefailure.Ican’thandlebeingrejected...etc.

ThusLevel3—simply,“Ican’thandleit!”

Thetruthis:

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IFYOUKNEWYOUCOULDHANDLEANYTHINGTHATCAMEYOURWAY,

WHATWOULDYOUPOSSIBLYHAVETOFEAR?

Theansweris:NOTHING!

Iknowyouareprobablynotjumpingupanddownforjoyjustyet,butbelievemewhenItellyouthatIhavejustgivenyouagreatpieceofnews.WhatIhavejusttoldyoumeansyoucanhandleallyourfearswithouthavingtocontrolanythingintheoutsideworld.Thisshouldbeatremendousrelief.Younolongerhavetocontrolwhatyourmatedoes,whatyourfriendsdo,whatyourchildrendo,orwhatyourbossdoes.Youdon’thavetocontrolwhathappensataninterview,whathappensatyourjob,whathappensinyournewcareer,whathappenstoyourmoney,orwhathappensinthestockmarket.

ALLYOUHAVETODOTODIMINISHYOURFEARISTODEVELOPMORETRUSTINYOURABILITYTOHANDLEWHATEVERCOMESYOURWAY!

Iambelaboringthepointbecauseitissocritical.Fromthismomenton,everytimeyoufeelafraid,remindyourselfthatitissimplybecauseyouarenotfeelinggoodenoughaboutyourself.Thenproceedtouseoneormoreofthetoolsinthisbooktohelpbuildyourselfup.Youhaveyourtaskclearlymappedoutforyou.Thereisnoreasonforconfusion.

I’veoftenbeenaskedtoexplainwhywehavesolittletrustinourselves.Idon’treallyknowtheanswertothat.Iknowthatsomefearisinstinctualandhealthy,andkeepsusalerttotrouble.Therest—thepartthatholdsusbackfrompersonalgrowth—isinappropriateanddestructive,andperhapscanbeblamedonourconditioning.

InallmylifeIhaveneverheardamothercallouttoherchildasheorshegoesofftoschool,“Takealotofriskstoday,darling.”Sheismorelikelytoconveytoherchild,“Becareful,darling.”This“Becareful”carrieswithitadoublemessage:“Theworldisreallydangerousoutthere”...and...”youwon’tbeabletohandleit.”WhatMomisreallysaying,ofcourse,is,“Ifsomethinghappenstoyou,Iwon’tbeabletohandleit.”Yousee,sheisonlypassingonherlackoftrustinherabilitytohandlewhatcomesherway.

Icanrememberwantingdesperatelytohaveatwo-wheelbicycleandmymother’srefusaltobuymeone.Heranswertomypleaswasalwaysthesame:“Iloveyoutoomuch.Idon’twantanythingtohappentoyou.”Itranslatedthistomean:“Youarenotcompetentenoughtohandleatwo-wheelbike.”Havingbecomeolderandwiser,Irealizenowthatshewasreallysaying:“Ifanythinghappenstoyou,Iwillfallapart.”

Thisoverprotectivemotherofminewasonceinintensivecareafterserioussurgery,withtubesdownhernoseandherthroat.WhenIwastolditwastimeformetoleave,Iwhisperedinherear—notknowingifshecouldhearme—thatIlovedherandwouldbebacklater.AsIwaswalkingtowardthedoor,Iheardasmall,weakvoicebehindmesaying—youguessedit—“Becareful.”Eveninheranestheticstupor,shewassendingmeadmonitionsofdoomandgloom.AndIknowshetypifiesthegreatpercentageofmothersoutthere.Consideringhowmany“becarefuls”ourparentsbombardeduswith,itisamazingthatweevenmanagetowalkoutthefrontdoor!

Apartfromsuchseeminglyobviousconnections,thecauseofourfearquitepossiblylieselsewhere.Butdoesitreallymatterwhereourself-doubtscomefrom?Ibelievenot.Itisnotmyapproachtoanalyzethewhysandwhereforesoftroublesomeareasofthemind.Itisoftenimpossibletofigureoutwhattheactualcausesofnegativepatternsare,andevenifwedidknow,theknowingdoesn’tnecessarilychangethem.Ibelievethatifsomethingistroublingyou,simplystartfromwhereyouare

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andtaketheactionnecessarytochangeit.Inthiscase,youknowthatyoudon’tlikethefactthatlackoftrustinyourselfisstoppingyoufrom

gettingwhatyouwantoutoflife.Knowingthiscreatesaveryclear,evenlaserlike,focusonwhatneedstobechanged.Youdon’thavetoscatteryourenergywonderingwhy.Itdoesn’tmatter.Whatmattersisthatyoubeginnowtodevelopyourtrustinyourself,untilyoureachthepointwhereyouwillbeabletosay:

WHATEVERHAPPENSTOME,GIVENANYSITUATION,ICANHANDLEIT!

IcanhearthedoubtingThomasesouttheresaying,“Oh,comeonnow,howdoyouhandleparalysis,orthedeathofachild,orcancer?”Iunderstandyourskepticism.RememberthatIwasonceadoubtingThomasmyself.Justreadonandletthebookunfold.Giveyourselfawinningchancebyusingthetoolsprovidedthroughoutthisbook.Asyoudo,youwillfindyourselfcomingcloserandclosertosuchahighlevelofself-confidencethatyouwillultimatelybegintorealizethatyoucanhandleanythingthatcomesyourway.Neverletthesethreelittlewordsoutofyourmind—possiblythethreemostimportantlittlewordsyou’lleverhear:

I’LLHANDLEIT

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J anet’sstillwaitingforthefeartogoaway.Shehadalwaysplannedtoreturntocollegeonceherchildrenwereinschool,butshenownoticesit’sbeenfouryearssinceheryoungestchildenteredfirstgrade.Newexcuseshavepoppedupsincethattime:“Iwanttobeherewhenthechildrencomehomefromschool”;“Wereallydon’thavethemoney”;“Myhusbandwillfeelneglected.”

Althoughitistruethatcertainlogisticswouldhavetobeworkedout,thatisnotthereasonforherhesitation.Infact,herhusbandiswillingtohelpherinanywayhecan.Heisconcernedaboutherrestlessness,andoftenencourageshertofulfillherlifelongdreamofbecomingafashiondesigner.

EachtimeJanetthinksaboutcallingthelocalcollegetosetupaninterview,somethingstopsher.“WhenI’mnotsofrightened,thenI’llmakethecall”;“WhenIfeelalittlebetteraboutmyself,thenI’llmakethecall.”MostlikelyJanetisgoingtowaitaverylongtime.

Theproblemisthatherthinkingisallmixedup.Thelogicsheusesautomaticallyprogramsherforfailure.Shewillneverbreakthefearbarrieruntilsheismadeawareofherfaultythinking;shesimplydoesnot“see”whatisobvioustothosewhoareouttheredoingit.

NordidIuntilIwasforcedto.Beforemydivorcefrommyfirsthusband,Iwasratherlikeachild,allowinghimtotakeoverthepracticalitiesofmylife.Aftermydivorce,Ihadnochoicebuttostartdoingthingsonmyown.Smallthings,suchasfixingthevacuumcleanerallbymyself,broughtmeenormoussatisfaction.ThefirstnightIinvitedpeopletomyhomefordinnerasasinglepersonwasamonumentalleap.ThedayIbookedticketsformyfirsttripwithoutamanwasadayforcelebration.

AsIbegantodothingsonmyown,Ibegantotastethedeliciousnessofanemergingself-confidence.Itwasn’tallcomfortable—infact,alotofitwasextremelyuncomfortable.Ifeltlikeachildlearningtowalkandfallingfrequently.ButwitheachstepIfeltalittlesurerofmyabilitytohandlemylife.

Asmyconfidencegrew,Ikeptwaitingforthefeartogoaway.YeteachtimeIventuredoutintoanewterritory,Ifeltfrightenedandunsureofmyself.“Well,”Itoldmyself,“justkeepputtingyourselfoutthere.Eventuallythefearwillgoaway.”Itneverdid!OnedayalightbulbwentoninmyheadasIsuddenlyrealizedthefollowing“truth”:

TRUTH1THEFEARWILLNEVERGOAWAYASLONGASICONTINUETOGROW.

AslongasIcontinuedtopushoutintotheworld,aslongasIcontinuedtostretchmycapabilities,aslongasIcontinuedtotakenewrisksinmakingmydreamscometrue,Iwasgoingtoexperiencefear.Whatarevelation!LikeJanet,andsomanyofyoureadingthisbook,IhadgrownupwaitingforthefeartogoawaybeforeItookanychances.“WhenIamnolongerafraid...then!”Formostofmylife,IhadplayedtheWHEN/THENgame.Anditneverworked.

Onceagainyouareprobablynotjumpingupanddownwithjoy.Iamawarethatthisrevelationisnotexactlyoneyouwantedtohear.Ifyouarelikemystudents,youwerehopingthatmywordsofwisdomwouldmiraculouslymakeyourfearsgoaway.I’msorrytosaythatitdoesn’tworkthatway.Ontheotherhand,ratherthanthinkofitasadisappointment,consideritareliefthatyounolongerhavetoworksohardongettingridofthefear.Itisn’tgoingtogoaway!Nottoworry.Asyoubuildyourconfidenceinyourselfwiththeexercisessuggestedherein,yourrelationshipwithfearwilldramaticallyalter.

NotlongafterdiscoveringTruth1,Imadeanotherimportantdiscoverythatcontributedenormouslytomygrowth:

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TRUTH2THEONLYWAYTOGETRIDOFTHEFEAR

OFDOINGSOMETHINGISTOGOOUTANDDOIT.

ThissoundscontradictorytoTruth1,yetitisn’t.FearofparticularsituationsdissolvedwhenIfinallyconfrontedthem.The“doingit”comesbeforethefeargoesaway.

IcanillustratethisbyrecountingmyfirstteachingexperiencewhenIwasstudyingformydoctorate.Iwasnotmucholderthanmystudents,andIwasteachingasubjectinwhichIhaddubiousexpertise—thepsychologyofaging.Ianticipatedthefirstclassperiodwithatremendoussenseofdread.Duringthethreedayspriortotheclass,mystomachfeltlikeitwasonarollercoaster.Ihadpreparedeighthoursofworkforaone-hourclass.Ihadhandwrittenenoughmaterialforthreelectures.Noneofthistookawaymyfear.Whenthefirstdayofclassfinallyarrived,IfeltlikeIwasbeingsenttotheguillotine.AsIstoodinfrontofmystudents,Icouldfeelmyheartpoundingandmykneesshaking.SomehowIgotthroughthatclassperiod—notecstaticallylookingforwardtothesecondonethefollowingweek.

Thankfully,thingswereeasierthenexttime.(Ifnot,Imighthaveleftteachingpermanently!)Istartedtobecomefamiliarwiththefacesintheclassroomandconnectedsomeofthenamestothefaces.Thethirdclasswasbetterthanthesecond,asIstartedtorelaxandgowiththeflowofthestudents.ByoursixthsessionIwasactuallylookingforwardtostandinginfrontofmyclass.Theinteractionwithmystudentswasstimulatingandchallenging.Oneday,asIwasapproachingthatonce-dreadedclassroom,IrealizedIwasnolongerafraid.Myfearhadturnedintosweetanticipation.

IhadtoteachanumberofdifferentcoursesbeforeIwascomfortablewalkingintoclasswithoutvoluminousnotes.ButtheredidcomeadaywhenallIhadinhandwasaone-pageoutlineofwhatIintendedtocoverthatperiod.IrealizedhowfarIhadcome.Ihadfeltthefear...anddiditanyway.Asaresult,Igotridofmyfearofteaching.Yet,whenItookmyteachingintothetelevisionarena,onceagainIexperiencedfear,untilmy“doingit”oftenenougheliminatedmyfearofappearingontelevision.Soitgoes.

AnotherpartoftheWHEN/THENgameIusedtoplayhadtodowithself-esteem.“WhenIfeelbetteraboutmyself...thenI’lldoit.”Thisisanothermix-upintheorderofreality.IkeptthinkingthatifIcouldimprovemyself-image,thenthefearwouldgoawayandIcouldstartaccomplishingthings.Ididn’tknowexactlyhowmyself-imagewasgoingtoimprove.Perhapsbymygrowingolderandwiser,orthroughfeedbackfromotherpeople,oramiraclewouldmakemefeelwonderfulaboutmyself.IactuallyboughtmyselfabeltbucklethatreadI’MTERRIFIC,thinkingthatthroughosmosisI’dgetthemessage.

Maybeallthosethingsdidhelpalittle.Whatreallymadethedifference,however,wasthesenseofaccomplishmentIfeltinpushingthroughfearanddoingthingsonmyown.Finally,thisbecameclear:

TRUTH3THEONLYWAYTOFEELBETTERABOUTMYSELF

ISTOGOOUT...ANDDOIT.

The“doingit”comesbeforethefeelingbetteraboutyourself.Whenyoumakesomethinghappen,notonlydoesthefearofthesituationgoaway,butalsoyougetabigbonus:youdoalottowardbuildingyourself-confidence.It’sfairlypredictable,however,thatwhenyou’vefinallymasteredsomethingandgottenridofthefear,itwillfeelsogoodthatyouwilldecidethatthereissomethingelseoutthereyouwanttoaccomplish,and—guesswhat!Thefearbeginsagainasyoupreparetomeetanewchallenge.

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ThroughalltheworkshopsandseminarsIattendedinmyearlystagesofdealingwithfear,Iwasrelievedtolearnsomethingelsethatmademefeelinfinitelybetteraboutmyself:

TRUTH4NOTONLYAMIGOINGTOEXPERIENCEFEARWHENEVER

I’MONUNFAMILIARTERRITORY,BUTSOISEVERYONEELSE.

Isaidtomyself:“YoumeanallthosepeopleouttherethatI’vebeenenvyingbecausethey’renotafraidtomoveaheadwiththeirliveshavereallybeenafraid?Whydidn’tsomebodytellme!?”IguessIneverasked.IwassureIwastheonlypersonouttherefeelingsoinadequate.ItwassucharelieftorealizeIwasnotaloneinthis.Ihadtherestoftheworldtokeepmecompany.

IrememberanewspaperarticleIreadyearsagoaboutEdKoch,theseeminglyfearlessmayorofNewYorkCity.Thearticletoldhowhehadtolearnatap-danceroutinewiththecastofaBroadwayshowforapublicityevent.Histeacherreportedthatthemayorwasscaredtodeath.Thiswashardtobelieve!Amanwhohadoftenfacedcrowdsofangrypeople,whohadmademanydifficultdecisionsaffectingmillionsoflives,whohadputhimselfbeforethepublicinhisracetobemayor...andhewasafraidtolearnasimpletapdance!

IfoneisawareoftheFearTruths,themayor’sfearwillnotcomeasasurprise.Tapdancingwasanactivitythattestedhiminanewway,andofcoursehewouldbefrightened.Oncehepracticedandmasteredtheroutine,thefearwouldgoaway,andhisconfidenceinhimselfwouldbeheightened—hecouldputanotherfeatherinhiscap,sotospeak.That’ssimplythewayitworks—forallofus.Byvirtueofourallbeinghuman,wesharethesamefeelings.Fearisnoexception.

ManystoriessimilartoMayorKoch’sappearinnewspapers,magazines,andbooksandontelevision.UntilyouareintouchwiththeFearTruths,youwillhearaboutandreadandseethesestoriesandnotnoticetheunderlyingprinciplesoperating.Youmayneverrelatetheexperiencesofothers,especiallythoseofcelebrities,toyourlife.Youmaythinktheyareluckybecausetheyaren’tafraidtoputthemselvesoutthere.Notso!Theyhadtopushthroughatremendousamountoffeartogetwheretheyaretoday...andtheyarestillpushing.

Thosewhohavesuccessfullydealtwithfearalltheirlivesseemtohaveknown,consciouslyorunconsciously,themessageinthisbook:Youmustfeelthefear...anddoitanyway.Averysuccessfulfriendofmine,aself-mademanwhoallowednothingtostophimalongtheway,ponderedthetitleofmycourseoneday,nodded,andsaid,“Yes,IguessthatisthewayI’vealwayslivedmylife,withoutconsciouslyrealizingthat’swhatI’vebeendoing.Ican’tremembernotbeingafraid,butitneveroccurredtomethatfearwouldpreventmefromtakingtherisksnecessarytogetwhatIwanted.IjustwentaheadanddidwhatIhadtodotomakemyideaswork—despitethefear.”

Ifyouhavenotbeensuccessfulindealingwithfear,youprobablyneverlearnedtheFearTruths,andinterpretedfearasasignaltoretreatratherthanasagreenlighttomoveahead.YouhavetendedtoplaythoseWHEN/THENgamesImentionedearlier.Allyouhavetodotofindawayoutofyourself-imposedprisonistoretrainyourthinking.

AfirststepinretrainingyourthinkingistosaytheFearTruthsatleasttentimesadayforthenextmonth.Asyouwillshortlydiscover,retrainingfaultythinkingtakesconstantrepetition.KnowingtheFearTruthsisnotenough.Youhavetokeepfeedingthemtoyourselfuntiltheybecomeapartofyourbeing—untilyoustarttoreverseyourbehaviorandmovetowardyourdesiredgoals,ratherthanretreating.Therewillbemorelateraboutwhyrepetitionisimportant.Fornow,justtrustmeandrepeattheFearTruthsoverandoveragain.

Beforeyoubegin,however,I’dliketoaddoneveryimportantFearTruthtothelist.Youmight

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alreadyhavebeenaskingyourself,“WhyshouldIputmyselfthroughallthediscomfortthatcomeswithtakingrisks?Whydon’tIjustgoonlivingmylifethewayI’vebeenlivingit?”Youmightfindmyanswertothatquestionsurprising.Itis:

TRUTH5PUSHINGTHROUGHFEARISLESSFRIGHTENINGTHANLIVINGWITHTHEUNDERLYINGFEARTHATCOMES

FROMAFEELINGOFHELPLESSNESS.

Readitagain.Iknowit’shardtotakeinatfirst.Itsaysthatnomatterhow“secure”anyofusfeelinthelittlecocoonwehavebuiltforourselves,welive,consciouslyorunconsciously,withthefearthatthedayofreckoningwilleventuallycome.

Themorehelplesswefeel,themoresevereistheundercurrentofdreadthatcomeswithknowingtherearesituationsinlifeoverwhichwehavenocontrol—suchasthedeathofaspouseorthelossofajob.Wefindourselvesbecomingobsessiveaboutpossiblecatastrophes.“Whatif...?”Fearpermeatesourlives.ThatistheironyofFearTruth5:peoplewhorefusetotakeriskslivewithafeelingofdreadthatisfarmoreseverethanwhattheywouldfeeliftheytooktherisksnecessarytomakethemlesshelpless—onlytheydon’tknowit!

IcanillustratewiththecaseofJanice,amiddle-agedhousewife,who“planned”herlifeinsuchawayastoavoidrisktakingasmuchaspossible.Shemarriedasuccessfulbusinessmanwhohandledboththeirlives.Janiceallowedthissituationbecauseitwasmorecomfortableforhernevertoputherselfontheline.But,asthesayinggoes,“Lifeiswhathappenswhenwe’vemadeotherplans!”Attheageoffifty-three,herhusband,Dick,hadastroke,whichlefthimpartiallydisabled.Onedayshewastotallytakencareofandthenextshewastotallytakingcareof.

Thetransitionwasn’teasy.Afterfightingtherageof“Whydidthishappentome?”shestartedtoacceptthefactthatshewasnowinchargeofbothherownandherhusband’ssurvival.Numbed,shewentthroughthemotionsoflearninghisbusiness,handlingdecisionsregardinghishealth,andwakingupeverymorningwiththeunderstandingthatitwasnowuptoher.Afterawhile,thenumbnessleft,thefogcleared,andshediscoveredaprofoundsenseofpeaceshehadneverexperiencedbefore.Shestartedtorealizetheheavypriceshehadpaidtobetakencareof.

Priortoherhusband’sstroke,Janice’sthinkinghadbeenpermeatedwiththephrase“whatif?”Shealwaysworriedaboutthefuture,neverenjoyinghertodays.Shehadlivedwiththeunderlyingdread,“MyGod,whatifsomethinghappenedtohim?”Shehadoftenremarkedtoherfriends,“IhopeIdiebeforehedoes.Icouldn’tlivewithouthim.”Andshethoughtshecouldn’t—whichisaless-than-satisfactorywaytogothroughlife.Thisallchangedasshefoundstrengthsheneverthoughtshehad.Shenowknowstheanswertoherquestion“whatif?”Theansweris:“I’llhandleit!”

Janicehadneverrealizedshewaslivingwithterrorallherlifeuntilthatterrordisappeared.Thenewfearswerenothingcomparedtoheroldfearsaboutsurvival.Herhusbandhasnowrecoveredenoughforthemtoliveasatisfyinglifetogether.He,too,hasfacedoneofhisbiggestfears—thatofbecomingdisabled.Hegottheanswertohisquestion“whatif?”whichwasalso“I’llhandleit.”Theybothhandleditbeautifully.Infact,throughthisexperiencetheylearnedtherealmeaningoflove.

Bynowyou’vegottenthepicture.Wecan’tescapefear.Wecanonlytransformitintoacompanionthataccompaniesusinallourexcitingadventures;itisnotananchorholdingustransfixedinonespot.Somepeoplehavetoldmetheyareneverafraid,butwhenIquestionthem,theyrevealthatwearejustdifferingonsemantics.Yes,theyfeelnervousoranxioussome-times—theysimplyneverlabeleditfear.

AsfarasIknow,everyonefeelsfearasheorshemovesforwardthroughlife.Itisabsolutelypossiblethattherearesomeevolvedsoulsinthisworldwhoneverexperiencefear,butIhavenotmet

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them.IfIdo,IpromiseIwillbecometheiravidstudentandreportbacktoyouwiththeirsecrets.Yousee,I“know”onsomedeeplevelthereisnothingtofear.It’sthesurfacelevelthatneedsconvincing.InthemeantimeI’velearnedto“feelthefear...anddoitanyway!”AsIdo,whetherIfeelthefearornotbecomesirrelevant.Mylifewillworkineithercase...aswillyours.

FiveTruthsaboutFear

1. ThefearwillnevergoawayaslongasIcontinuetogrow.

2. Theonlywaytogetridofthefearofdoingsomethingistogooutanddoit.

3. Theonlywaytofeelbetteraboutmyselfistogoout...anddoit.

4. NotonlyamIgoingtoexperiencefearwheneverI’monunfamiliarterritory,soiseveryoneelse.

5. Pushingthroughfearislessfrighteningthanlivingwiththeunderlyingfearthatcomesfromafeelingofhelplessness.

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T helastchapterrevealedacriticalinsightindeed,andthatis:

IFEVERYBODYFEELSFEARWHENAPPROACHINGSOMETHINGTOTALLYNEWINLIFE,

YETSOMANYAREOUTTHERE“DOINGIT”DESPITETHEFEAR,

THENWEMUSTCONCLUDETHATFEARISNOTTHEPROBLEM.

Obviously,therealissuehasnothingtodowiththefearitself,but,rather,howweholdthefear.Forsome,thefearistotallyirrelevant.Forothers,itcreatesastateofparalysis.Theformerholdtheirfearfromapositionofpower(choice,energy,andaction),andthelatterholditfromapositionofpain(helplessness,depression,andparalysis).

Thechartonthenextpageillustratesthisconcept.Fromthisitcanbeseenthatthesecretinhandlingfearistomoveyourselffromapositionofpainto

apositionofpower.Thefactthatyouhavethefearthenbecomesirrelevant.

Let’stalkabouttheword“power.”Somepeoplesaythattheydonotliketheconceptofpowerandwantnopartofit.Itistruethatinourworldtheword“power”hassomenegativeovertones.Itoftenimpliescontroloverothers,and,unfortunately,isoftenmisused.

ThekindofpowerIamtalkingaboutisentirelydifferent.Infact,itmakesyoulessmanipulativeofthosearoundyou,andcertainlymoreloving.Iamtalkingaboutpowerwithintheself.Thismeanspoweroveryourperceptionsoftheworld,poweroverhowyoureacttosituationsinyourlife,powertodowhatisnecessaryforyourownself-growth,powertocreatejoyandsatisfactioninyourlife,powertoact,andpowertolove.

Thiskindofpowerhasnothingtodowithanyoneelse.Itisnotegomania,butahealthyself-love.Infact,egomaniacshaveabsolutelynofeelingofpower—thustheircompellingneedtocontrolthosearoundthem.Theirlackofpowerleavestheminaperpetualstateoffear,sincetheirsurvivaldepends

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ontheoutsideworld.Nooneismoreunlovingthanapersonwhocan’townhisorherownpower.Suchpeoplespendtheirlivestryingtopullitoutofeveryoneelse.Theirneedcreatesallsortsofmanipulativebehavior.

ThekindofpowerI’mtalkingaboutleavesyoufree,sinceyoudon’texpecttherestoftheworldtofillyouup.It’snottheabilitytogetsomeoneelsetodowhatyouwantthemtodo.It’stheabilitytogetyourselftodowhatyouwanttodo.Ifyoudonotownthiskindofpower,youloseyoursenseofpeace.Youareinaveryvulnerableplace.

Ihavefoundthatwomenaremoreputoffthanmenarebytheconceptofpower,forobviousreasons.Menhavebeenconditionedtobelievethattobepowerfulisgood.Womenhavebeenconditionedtobelievethattobepowerfulisunfeminineandunattractive.Itismyexperiencethatnothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth.

Aself-assuredwomanwhoisincontrolofherlifedrawslikeamagnet.Sheissofilledwithpositiveenergythatpeoplewanttobearoundher.Yetitisonlywhenshehasbecomepowerfulwithinherselfthatshecanbecomeauthenticandlovingtothosearoundher.Thetruthisthatloveandpowergotogether.Withpower,onecanreallybegintoopentheheart.Withnopower,loveisdistorted.

Forthewomenreadingthisbook,agoodantidotetoanyinnerconflictbetweenpowerandfemininityistorepeattoyourselfatleasttwenty-fivetimeseachmorning,noon,andnight:

IAMPOWERFULANDIAMLOVED.

And:

IAMPOWERFULANDIAMLOVING.

Anenergizingvariationis:

IAMPOWERFULANDILOVEIT!

Saythesethreestatementsaloudrightnow.Feeltheenergythewordsconvey.Theirconstantrepetitionwillhelpmaketheconceptsofpowerandlovemorecompatibleandcertainlymorecomfortable.

NowthatI’veexplainedthekindofpowerI’mtalkingabout,let’sexplorehowtousethePain-to-Powerconceptindailylife.

ThefirststepistocreateaPain-to-PowerChart,asfollows:

AswelookatthePain-to-Powercontinuum,mostofuscanplaceourselvessomewhereinthemiddleofthechart.We’renottotallyincapacitatedbyourfears,butwe’renotexactlyfeelingagreatsenseofpowerandexcitement,norarewequicklysprintingtoourgoals.Weseemtobetakingthearduousrouteoverthemountaincarryingtwosuitcasesandawatermelonratherthanflyingonthewingsofeagles.Asanotherancientsageoncesaid,“Thepathwayissmooth.Whydoyouthrowrocksbefore

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you?”UsingthePain-to-PowerChartasaframeofreference,youcanbegintocleartherocksinfrontof

you.Thefollowingstepswillhelpintheclearingprocess:

1.DrawanenlargementofthePain-to-PowerChartandplaceitonyourwall.Justthesimpleactofmakingtheenlargementwillmakeyoufeelalittlemorepowerful.Youarealreadytakingaction!Rememberthatmuchofthetrickofmovingfrompaintopoweristakingaction.ACTIONISVERYPOWERFUL!Oncethechartisonyourwallitwillserveasaconstantreminderofwhereyouwanttogoinlife—frompaintopower.Awarenessishalfthebattle.Havingthechartphysicallypresentwillalsohelpyoumotivateyourselftokeepmovingintherightdirection.

2.Justtokeepyoufromtakingyourselftooseriously,youmightwanttowritesomewhereonyourchart“Angelsflybecausetheytakethemselveslightly.”IheardthisquotebyGilbertK.Chestertonalongtimeago,anditstillmakesmesmile.Itconstantlyremindsmethatyoucandropanawfullotofexcessbaggageifyoulearntoplaywithlifeinsteadoffightit.

3.Putapinattheplaceonthechartwhereyouseeyourselfsituatedatthismomentinyourlife.Areyouinthemiddle,whereyousometimesfeeldepressedandparalyzedandatothertimesfeelmoreincontrol?Ordoyoudefinitelyfindyourselfonthefarleftside,wherethereislittleyouareabletodotopullyourselfoutoftherut?Orperhapsyouarealreadyontherightside,wheremostofthetimeyoufeelyouarereallymovingaheadwithyourlife,withonlyafewareasthatneedtobeworkedon.Idoubtthatanyonereadingthisbookhasreachedtheirgoalofattainingabsolutepowerovertheself.EventheBuddhashavetheirdays!Therearealwaysnewexperiencesthatchallengeasenseofpersonalpower.

4.Eachdaylookatthechartandaskyourself,“DoIseemyselfatthesameplace,orhaveImoved?”Movethepinaccordingly.

5.Ifyoukeepinmindthedirectionyouwanttogo,itwillhelpyoumakedecisionsaboutwhatyouaredoinginyourlife.Beforeyoutakeanyactioninlife,askyourself:“Isthisactionmovingmetoamorepowerfulplace?”Ifitisn’t,youwillthinktwiceaboutdoingit.Awordofcaution:Ifyougoaheadanyway,knowingtheactionwillkeepyouinapositionofpain,don’tgetangrywithyourselfaboutit.Justnoticewhereyouarenottakingresponsibility.Thenexttime,youcanmakeadifferentdecision.Useyour“mistakes”aslearningexperiences.Rememberthateachtimeyougetangryatyourselfforanactionyouhavetaken,youkeepyourselfonthesideofpain.

6.Makeyouruseofthechartfun.Havingitasagamekeepsyoulightaboutthesituation.Ifyouhavechildren,theycancreatetheirowncharts,andyoucanmakeafamilygameoutoftheexperienceofgrowing.

7.Youmightwanttomakedifferentchartsfordifferentareasofyourlife.Tobereallypowerful,youneedtobeinchargeofallaspectsofyourlife—yourwork,relationships,environment,body,andsoon.Oftenpeopleareverypowerfulinsomepartsoftheirlivesandpatheticinothers.Forexample,Iamverypowerfulintermsofmycareer,butneedtoworkontheareaofexercise.

Notethatyourmovementonthechartisdeterminedonlybyyourownintuitivesenseofhowfaryouareprogressingingainingmorepowerinyourlife.Nooneelsecanjudgethat,thoughtheymaytry.Althoughyourlifemaylookexactlythesametotheoutsideworld,itisyourownsenseofinternal

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peaceandgrowththatdetermineswhereyouareonthechart.Itis,totally,afeelingwithin.Youmaywonderifyoureallyneedtogotosuchlengthstogetyourselfmoving.Trustme—youdo!

Inthebeginning,youneedallthegimmicksyoucangettoremindyouofwhereyouwanttogo.Youdon’tbecomepowerfulwithoutconcentratingonpower.Asyoumusthavefiguredoutbynow,simplyknowingwhattododoesnotmeanthatyoudoit,or,forthatmatter,evenrememberit.

Tohelpyouonyourpain-to-powerpath,it’simportantthatyoubegintodevelopaPain-to-PowerVocabulary.Thewayyouusewordshasatremendousimpactonthequalityofyourlife.Certainwordsaredestructive;othersareempowering.ChoosetomovetoaPain-to-PowerVocabularyasfollows:

“Ican’t”impliesyouhavenocontroloveryourlife,whereas“Iwon’t”putsasituationintherealmofchoice.Fromthismomenton,strike“Ican’t”fromyourvocabulary.Whenyougiveyoursubconsciousthemessage“Ican’t,”yoursubconsciousreallybelievesyouandregistersonitscomputer:WEAK...WEAK...WEAK.Yoursubconsciousbelievesonlywhatithears,notwhatistrue.Youmightbesaying“Ican’t”simplytogetoutofadinnerinvitation—suchas,“Ican’tcometodinnertonight.Ihavetopreparefortomorrow’smeeting,”butyoursubconsciousisregistering,“He’sweak!”Infact,“Ican’tcometodinner”isanuntruth.Thetruthis“Icancometodinner,butIamchoosingtodosomethingthathasahigherpriorityatthemoment.”Butthesubconsciouscan’tdiscernthedifferenceandisstillregistering“weak.”

Althoughyoumaywanttobemoredelicatetoyourhostthantouttertheabovestatement,youcanstillstayawayfromthewords“Ican’t.”“I’dlovetocometodinner,butIhaveameetingtomorrowthat’simportanttome.I’llfeelbetterwalkingintotallyprepared.SoI’llpassfortonightandhope

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you’llinvitemeagain.”Thatstatementhastruth,integrity,andpower.Thesubconscioushearsyoustatingyourprioritieswithclarityandchoosingtheoutcomethatservesyourowngrowth.Choosingthiswaydoesn’tleaveyouthehelplessvictimofyourmeeting.

“Ishould”isanotherloser.It,too,impliesthatyouhavenochoicesinlife.“Icould”ismorepowerful.“Icouldvisitmymother,butI’mchoosingtogotothemoviestoday.”Thisputsthingsintherealmofchoiceinsteadofobligation.“IcanvisitmymotherorIcangotothemovies.IthinkI’llchoosemymothertoday.”“Shoulds”bringonguiltandupset—totallydrainingemotions.Yourpoweristakenawayeverytimeyouutterthewords“Ishould.”

“It’snotmyfault”isanotherbeauty.Onceagain,youlookhelpless.It’sbettertotakeresponsibilityforwhateverhappenstoyouinlifethantoalwaysbethevictim.“It’snotmyfaultIgotsick”;“It’snotmyfaultIlostthejob.”Ifyouarewillingtotakeresponsibility,thenyoumightseewhatyoucanchangeinthefuture.Relativetoillness,say,“I’mtotallyresponsibleformyillness.Let’sseewhatIcandotopreventitfromhappeningagain.Icanchangemydiet.Icanreducestress.Icanstopsmoking.Icangetenoughsleep.”Andsoon.Watchhowpowerfulyoubecome!Thesameoccurswiththelostjob.Ifyouareresponsible,youcanbebetterpreparedthenexttime;youcanfindoutwhatmadethedifference.Youareincontrol.Eachtimeyoufindyourselfinbettercontrolofyourlifeyouaremovingtoapositionofpower,whichwillultimatelyreduceyourfearlevel.

“It’saproblem”isanotherdeadeningphrase.It’sheavyandnegative.“It’sanopportunity”opensthedoortogrowth.Eachtimeyoucanseethegiftinlife’sobstacles,youcanhandledifficultsituationsinarewardingway.Eachtimeyouhavetheopportunitytostretchyourcapacitytohandletheworld,themorepowerfulyoubecome.

“Ihope”isanothervictim’sphrase.“Iknow”hasfarmorepower.

IhopeIwillgetajob.IknowIwillgetajob.

Whatadifference!Thefirstsetsyouupforworryandsleeplessnights.Thesecondhaspeaceandcalmaboutit.

“Ifonly”isboring.Youcanhearthewhinebehindit.“Nexttime”impliesthatyouhavelearnedfromthesituationandwillputthelearningtouseanothertime.Forexample,“IfonlyIhadn’tsaidthattoTom”canberestated,“I’velearnedTomissensitiveaboutthisissue.Nexttime,I’llbemoresensitive.”

“WhatwillIdo?”Againyoucanhearthewhineandthefearimpliedinthesewords.You,likeeveryoneelse,haveincrediblesourcesofpowerwithinthatyouhaven’tusedbefore.Itwouldserveyoutosaytoyourself,“IknowI’llhandleit.Ihavenothingtoworryabout.”Insteadof,“I’velostmyjob!WhatwillIdo?”try“I’velostmyjob.IknowI’llhandleit.”

“It’sterrible”isbandiedaroundinthemostinappropriatecircumstances.Forexample,“Ilostmywallet.Isn’tthatterrible?”What’ssoterribleaboutlosingawallet?It’scertainlyaninconvenience;it’shardlyterrible.“Igainedtwopounds.Isn’tthatterrible?”It’shardlyterribletogaintwopounds.Yetthat’sthewaywetalkabouttriviainourlives.Andoursubconsciousisregistering,DISASTER...DISASTER...DISASTER.Replace“it’sterrible”with“It’salearningexperience.”

Whileyoumightfeelmorejustifiedinsaying“It’sterrible”ifalovedonehascancer,keepinmindthatthisattitudetakesawayyourpowertodealwiththesituation.Therearemanywhohavelearnedimportantthingsfromtheexperience.Iknow,becauseIamoneofthosepeople.

Myexperienceofcancertaughtmemanywonderfulthingsaboutmyselfandthepeoplearoundme.Mostimportant,IlearnedhowmuchIwasloved.Isawatendersideofmyfiancé,nowmyhusband,thatIhadneverseenbefore,andourlovedeepenedimmeasurably.Westoppedtakingeachotherfor

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granted.Also,Ihavechangedmylifeinmanypositiveways.I’vebecomeamuchmoreawareeater.I’velearnedhowtoeliminatetheanger,resentment,andstressthatwasverymuchapartofmydailylifepriortomyillness.Mycancerexperiencehasgivenmyhusbandandmeanopportunitytocontributesomethingtothisworld.Iwroteaverypositivearticleaboutmymastectomy,whichIknowhasbeenofvaluetomanymenandwomen.MyhusbandandIhaveappearedontelevisiontogethertorelateourexperience,bringingreassurancetoviewers.Soyousee,cancercanbeagreatlearningexperienceandanopportunitytogive.

Yougetthepicture.Begineliminatingtheterribles,can’ts,problems,struggles,andsoonfromyourvocabulary.Maybethesesemanticdifferencesseemtrivial,butIassureyou,theyarenot.Notonlydoesyoursenseofyourselfchangewithamorepowerfulvocabulary,soalsodoesyourpresenceintheworld.Peoplewhodisplayaninnerstrengtharetreateddifferentlyfromthosewhocomeacrossasweak.Themorepowerfullyyouspeak,themoreyouwillbeaforceintheworldaroundyou.

Asyoubegintomonitoryourvocabulary,youcanalsobringmorepowerintoyourlifebyexpandingyourcomfortzone.Whatdoesthatmean?

Mostofusoperatewithinazonethatfeelsright,outsideofwhichweareuncomfortable.Forexample,wemightspend$75dollarsforapairofshoes,but$100wouldmakeusnervous.Wemightbewillingtoinitiatefriendshipswithpeopleattheofficewhoareatourlevelinthecompany,butwouldbeuncomfortabledoingsowithoneofthehigher-ups.Wemightgotothelocaldeliwheneatingalone,butwouldfeelreallyuncomfortableinaluxuriousrestaurantallbyourselves.Wemightaskfora$5,000raise,but$7,000wouldmakeuscringe.Wemaycharge$30anhourforourservices,butwedon’tfeelthatweareworth$35.Andsoon.

Foreachoneofusthatzoneofcomfortisdifferent,butwhetherweareawareofitornot,allofus—richorpoor,loworhighonthetotempole,maleorfemale—makedecisionsbasedontheconfinesofthatcomfortablespace.

Isuggestthateachdayyoudosomethingthatwidensthatspaceforyou.Callsomeoneyouareintimidatedtocall,buyapairofshoesthatcostsmorethanyouwouldhaveeverpaidinthepast,askforsomethingyouwantthatyouhavebeentoofrightenedtoaskforbefore.Takeariskaday—onesmallorboldstrokethatwillmakeyoufeelgreatonceyou’vedoneit.Evenifitdoesn’tworkoutthewayyouwanteditto,atleastyou’vetried.Youdidn’tsitback...powerless.Watchwhatstartstohappenwhenyouexpandyourcomfortzone:

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Asthedrawingshows,witheachriskyoutake,eachtimeyoumoveoutofwhatfeelscomfortable,youbecomemorepowerful.Yourwholelifeexpandstotakeinmoreofwhatthereisinthisworldtoexperience.Asyourpowerbuilds,sodoesyourconfidence,sothatstretchingyourcomfortzonebecomeseasierandeasier,despiteanyfearyoumaybeexperiencing.Themagnitudeoftherisksyoutakealsoexpands.Inthebeginningyoumaysignupforoneeveningcourseafterbeingoutofschoolforfifteenyears.Ultimatelyyoumayenrolltogetyourgraduatedegree.Youwillbeexpanding...openingup...becomingbigger...butallatyourownpace.Aslongasyouaretakingthoserisks—nomatterhowsmall—youaremovingyourselftotherightonthePain-to-PowerChart.

Eachnightbeforeyougotobed,plantheriskyouaregoingtotakethefollowingday.Closeyoureyes,andinyourmind’seye,practicedoingit.Makeyourvisualizationasclearasyoupossiblycan.Also,asyougothroughtheday,beawareofwhereyoufindyourselfhesitating,andstartplanningyourfuturerisksbasedontheseobservations.Ifyoucanpushthroughthehesitationatthemomentyourecognizeit,great.Rememberthatthemoreyouexpandyourcomfortzone,themorepowerfulyou

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become.PLEASENOTE:TherisksIamtalkingaboutdonotincludephysicallydangerousacts,suchas

speedinginacar,ortakingdrugs.Nordotheyincluderisksthatinfringeontherightsofotherpeople,suchasmakingapassatsomeone’smateor,forthatmatter,robbingabank.Notonlycouldyouendupunpopular,dead,orinprison,butyouwouldalsobemovingyourselffartotheleftsideofthePain-to-PowerChart.Thesekindsofactsarenotempowering,becausetheydonothaveanyintegrityorlove—forone’sselforothers—behindthem.Withouttheseingredients,itisimpossibletobuildyoursenseofself-worth.Henceyourabilitytohandlefearwouldbegreatlydiminished.

Sotakeonlythoseriskseachdaythatbuildyoursenseofself-worth.Thesearetherisksthatenhanceyourabilitytodealwithyourfears.EXPAND!EXPAND!EXPAND!

Whetheritfeelslikeitornot,youalreadyhavemorepowerthanyoucouldeverhaveimagined.Weallhave.WhenIspeakofgoingfrompaintopower,Iamnottalkingaboutpullingthepowerinfromanyoutsidesource.Insideofyou,justwaitingtoemerge,isanincrediblesourceofenergy,whichismorethansufficientforyoutocreateajoyfulandsatisfyinglife.Itisn’tmagic.Itisonlyaprocessoftappingtheenergyalreadythere,thoughyouarenotawareofit.

Theexercisescontainedinthisbookaredesignedtoleadyoutothisgreatsourceofpower.Whetheryoudothemornotisagoodclueastowhetheryouarewillingatthistimetoacceptallthatiswithinyou.Ifyouarenot,don’tberateyourself.Justmakeacommitmenttokeepworkingtowardit.Onewaytodothisistoreadandrereadthisbookandotherpersonal-growthbooksuntilyouridyourselfofthenegativebeliefsystemsthatarekeepingyoustuckinyourpowerlessness.Mostofusarefilledwitholdconditioningthatiskeepingusweak.Ittakesconstantrepetitionfornewerandhealthierpatternstotakehold.

Youareinnatelydesignedtouseyourpersonalpower.Whenyoudon’t,youexperienceasenseofhelplessness,paralysis,anddepression—whichisyourcluethatsomethingisnotworkingasitcould.You,likeallofus,deserveeverythingthatiswonderfulandexcitinginlife.Andthosefeelingsemergeonlywhenyougetintouchwithyourpowerfulself.

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A reyoua“victim,”orareyoutakingresponsibilityforyourlife?Somanyofusthinkwearetakingresponsibilityforourownliveswhenwesimplyarenot.The“victim”mentalityisverysubtleandtakesmanyforms.Onceyouunderstandtheconceptsinthischapteryouwillbetterunderstandthedynamicsofhandlingfear.

Theideaoftakingresponsibilityforyourownlifeisprobablynottotallynewtoyou.Foryearsyouhavebeenbombardedwiththemessage:TAKERESPONSIBILITYFORYOUROWNLIFE.

ButIamconvincedthatmostofusdonotreallyunderstandwhatthatmeans.Tomostofus“independent”people,ithasmeantthatweshouldgetajob,earnenoughmoneyto

supportourselves,andnotdependonanyoneelseforoursurvival.Thatmayormaynotbepartofit(Iknowmany“dependent”peoplewhounderstandthesecretoftakingresponsibilityfortheirexperienceoflife),butitcertainlydoesn’thittheheartoftheissue,whichismuchbigger,yetmoreinvisible,thanthat.Let’slookatafewexamples.

Edwardisanextremelywealthy,high-poweredexecutivewholivesinaconstantstateofanxiety.WhenIsuggestedthathegetsomeprofessionalhelp,herespondedthatifthepeopleinhislifewouldchange,everythingwouldbefine.Ifonlyhiswifewouldbemoreloving,ifonlyhisbosswasn’talwaysleaningonhim,andifonlyhissonwouldstoptakingdrugs—thenhe’dbefine.Hefeelsthatthereisnoreasonforhimtogethelp;it’salltheirfault.Ishetakingresponsibilityforhisexperienceoflife?Absolutelynot!

Marais,objectively,sittingontopoftheworld.Shehasagreatjob,livesinalovelyapartment,andhasmanyfriendsandlovers.Hercontinualcomplaintisaboutherex-husband:heismakingherlifemiserable,hehasalwaysbeenunfairtoher,heneverpayschildsupport.Also,hersonisturningagainstherandaccusingherofbeingselfish...andon...andon...andon.Isshetakingresponsibilityforherexperienceoflife?Absolutelynot!

Iknowmanysingleordivorcedpeoplewhoareconstantlycomplainingabouttheirex-husbandsortheirex-wives,theirbosses,theirloneliness,thelousysinglesscene,andsoon.Iknowmanymarriedpeoplewhoareconstantlylamentingabouttheirchildren,theirlackofmoney,theirlackofcommunicationwiththeirspouses,andsoon.Areanyofthemreallytakingresponsibilityfortheirexperienceoflife?Notatall!

Theyareall,insomeway,playingtheroleofvictim.Theyhavegiventheirpowertosomeoneorsomethingelse.Keepinmindthatwhenyougiveawayyourpower,youmovefartherandfarthertotheleftsideofthePain-to-PowerChart,andasaresultyoubecomeparalyzedinyourattemptstodealwithfear.

Onamoreobviouslevel,ifyou’reinajobyouhate,ifyou’resingleandyouwanttobemarried,ifyou’reinalousyrelationshipandwanttogetout,ifyourdaughterismakingyougraybeforeyourtime,andif,generallyspeaking,nothingseemstogothewayyouwantittogo,youarealsoplayingtheroleofvictim.Nowonderyoufeelfearful—victimsarepowerless!

THETRUTHISTHATYOUREALLYAREINCONTROL—INTOTALCONTROL.Forsomereason,youareconsciouslyorunconsciouslychoosingtobeinthatlousyjob,youarechoosingtohatethesinglelife,youarechoosingtostayinadestructiverelationship,youarechoosingtoletyourdaughterdriveyoucrazy,youarechoosingtosabotageanythinggoodinyourlife...orwhateverelseitmaybeforyou.Iknowitisdifficulttoacceptthefactthatyouarethecauseofthefeelingsthattakeawayyourjoyinlife.Itisveryupsettingwhenyoubegintoseeyourselfasyourownworstenemy.Ontheotherhand,thisrealizationisyourbiggestblessing.Ifyouknowyoucancreateyourownmisery,itstandstoreasonthatyoucanalsocreateyourownjoy.

Sincetakingresponsibilityforyourexperienceoflifeisanelusiveconcept,Iwillexplainthecomponentsofamorepowerfulwayofliving.NotethatIhavebeencarefulnottoaskyoutobelieve

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thatyouareresponsibleforallyourexperiencesinlife(althoughtherearesomewhowouldarguethatyouare).Rather,Iaskyoutobelievethatyouarethecauseofallyourexperiencesoflife,meaningthatyouarethecauseofyourreactionstoeverythingthathappenstoyou.Thereisalotmoreaboutthisinthenextchapterandinchapter9.

Asyoureadthefollowingsevendefinitionsoftakingresponsibility,keeprememberingthatwheneveryouarenottakingresponsibility,youputyourselfinapositionofpain,andhencedecreaseyourabilitytohandlethefearinyourlife.

1.Takingresponsibilitymeansneverblaminganyoneelseforanythingyouarebeing,doing,having,orfeeling.“Never?”yousay.“Butthistimeitreallyishisfault”(orherfault,ortheboss’sfault,ormyson’sfault,ortheeconomy’sfault,ormymother’sfault,ormyfather’sfault,ormyfriend’sfault!).“Really,itis!”IfImissedanyoneoranything,justaddittothelist.Untilyoufullyunderstandthatyou,andnooneelse,createwhatgoesoninyourhead,youwillneverbeincontrolofyourlife.HereareafewscenariosI’veheardinmyclassesandthequestionstheseindividualshadtoaskthemselvesbeforetheywereabletomovetoamorepowerfulplace.

Madeline“Well,itcertainlywasmyhusband’sfaultthatthelasttwenty-fiveyearsofmylifehavebeenso

miserable!”

Whydidyouchoosetostay?Whycouldn’tyoutakeinanyofthenicethingshedidforyouinsteadofonlyfindingfault?Whyareyousofilledwithangerthathefindsitimpossibletocommunicatewithyou?

David“Well,itcertainlywasmyson’sfaultthatIhavegrayhair,fromworryingabouthim.”Whydidn’tyoubelievethathewouldfindhisownway?Whydidyoualwaysneedtorescuehim?

Whydidyoumakehimsomuchanextensionofyourselfthatyouexpectedtoomuchfromhim?Whycouldn’tyoujustlethimbewhoheis?

Tony“Well,itcertainlyisthefaultofthejobmarketthatI’mstuckinthislousyjob.”

Whycan’tyouseethatothersarefindingjobsevenifthejobmarketissopoor?Whyareyounotcreatingmoresatisfactioninthejobyoualreadyhave?Whyaren’tyoueventryingtofindanewjob?Whyareyounotaskingforwhatyouwantinthejobyouarealreadyin,insteadofconstantlycomplainingthatnothingisright?Whyaren’tyoucommittedtodoingthebestyoucando?

Alice“Well,itcertainlyismychildren’sfaultthatI’mnotmovingaheadinacareer.”

Whyhaven’tyounoticedthatotherswithchildrenaregoingaheadwiththeircareers,andthattheirchildrenaredoingfine?Whyhaven’tyoutakenupyourhusband’soffertohelpyouwiththekidsifyouwanttowork?Whyhaven’tyoumadeanyefforttogainsomeskillsthatwouldreallyhelpyougetajobyouwouldlove?

Ifyouarefeelingsomepainfromidentifyingwithanyofthestoriesabove,good.Itsimplypinpointsanareaonwhichyouhavetowork.Thepointtorememberisthatwhenyoublameanyoutsideforcefor

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anyofyourexperienceoflife,youareliterallygivingawayallyourpowerandthuscreatingpain,paralysisanddepression.

2.Takingresponsibilitymeansnotblamingyourself.Iknowthissoundscontradictory,butitisnot.Anythingthattakesawayyourpoweroryourpleasuremakesyouavictim.Don’tmakeyourselfavictimofyourself!

Forsome,thisismoredifficultthannotblamingothers.Onceyou’vebecomeawarethatyouhavecreatedsomuchofyourunhappiness,youmayhaveatendencytopunishyourselfandputyourselfdown.“ThereIammessingupmylifeagain.I’mhopeless.WhenwillIeverlearn?”

This,again,isnottakingresponsibilityforyourexperienceoflife.Itisimportanttounderstandthatyouhavealwaysdonethebestyoupossiblycould,giventhepersonyouwereatanyparticulartime.Nowthatyouarelearninganewwayofthinking,youcanbegintoperceivethingsdifferentlyandpossiblychangemanyofyouractions.Thereisabsolutelynoneedtobeupsetwithyourpast,present,orfuturebehavior.Itisallsimplypartofthelearningprocess—theprocessofmovingyourselffrompaintopower.Andittakestime.Youmustbepatientwithyourself.Thereisneveranyneedtobedownonyourself.Nothingisyour“fault.”Yes,youcauseyourunhappiness,butthisisnoreasontocastblame.You’resimplyonthepathtowardgreaterself-fulfillment,anditisalengthyprocessoftrialanderror.

3.TakingresponsibilitymeansbeingawareofwhereandwhenyouareNOTtakingresponsibilitysothatyoucaneventuallychange.IttookyearsbeforeIrealizedthattheplaceIplayedthevictimrolemostoftenwaswiththemeninmylife.Iremembermanyeveningsofcomplainingforcountlesshourswithmygirlfriendsaboutthegriefthemeninmylifewerecausingme.

Those“jerks,”asIsoself-righteouslycalledthem,werealwaysdoingsomethingtotakeawaymyhappiness.Onewasalwayslate,onewasincrediblystingy,onedidn’tmakeenoughmoney,onelovedtoplaygolftoomuch,onewouldn’tgetadivorce,andsoon.Iwasabletobuildupincredibleangerandresentmentaboutthem.Hoursandhoursonthephoneof“Wouldyoubelieveheactually...”Naturally,myloyalfriendssharedmydramaasIsharedtheirupsetsabouttheirmen.ItwasaMoanandGroanSociety.Weneverseemedtotireofeachother’sstories.Nowonder:wefedeachotherthemartyrdomwewereobviouslyenjoying,andwealwaysgottoberight!Thepayoffwasthatwedidn’thavetocreateourownhappiness—wecouldsimplyblamemenfornotgivingittous.

DuringthistimeIwascertainIwastakingresponsibilityformylife.JustlikemyfriendMara,Iwasmakingawonderfulliving,Ihadagreatapartment,Iwastotally“independent.”ButIwasn’ttakingresponsibilityformylife.Iwasstillexpectingthemeninmylifeto“makemehappy.”Ifinallylearnedthereisreallyonlyonepersonintheworldwhocanmakemehappy,andthatisME!Ironically,onlythroughthisrealizationwasIable,forthefirsttime,tohaveawonderfullynurturingrelationship.

NowIknowthatwhenIamangryatmyhusband,Isimplyhavetoaskmyself,“WhatamInotdoinginmylifethatIcouldbedoingthatIamblaminghimfornotdoingforme?”(Readthatoneagain!)Iamnowquicklyabletotuneintowhatitis.EitherI’mbeingobsessiveaboutmoney,orI’mfeelinginsecure,orI’mnotcreatingenoughactivityformyself,orI’mexpectinghimtomake“allbetter”somethingI’mnothandling,orwhatever.

OnceIrealizewhatIamdoing,Icangetintothetaskofcorrectingit.AsIcorrectwhatneedstobehandledinmylife,allmyangertowardothersdisappears.Mydaughter,Leslie,recentlycommentedonhowfantasticmymarriageis.“Yes,”Isaid,“it’samazinghowperfectMarkbecomeswhenIstopexpectinghimtohandlemylife!”

Thisisnottosaythatyouaren’tentitledtohaveyourbasicneedsmetbyyourpartner—theneedtobesupportedinyourgrowth,theneedtobenurturedattimes,theneedtoknowthereiscaringonyour

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spouse’spart—butwhenyouarenothandlingyourlife,noamountofcaringandnurturingisenough.Youbecomeabottomlesspit.Themaninyourlifecouldstandonhisheadforyou,assomeofthemeninmylifetriedtodo,butitisneverenough.

Imightaddthatifsomeoneisnotsupplyingyourbasicneedstobenurturedandloved,certainlyyouwouldserveyourselfbyleaving.Butfirstyoumustaskyourself,“Isitthat(s)heissoterrible,orisitsimplythatIamnottakingresponsibilityformyexperienceoflife?”Ifyouaresatisfiedthatyousimplydonotchoosetospendyourlifewiththisperson,thenitisalsotakingresponsibilitytomoveonwiththeintentionoffindingamorecompatiblepartner.

Onecluethatyouaretrulytakingresponsibilityiswhenyoufeellittleornoangertowardthisperson.Yourealizethatyouchosetobethereinthepastandyouarenowchoosingtoleave.Nothingistheother’sfault.(S)heisdoingthebest(s)hecangivenher(his)levelofpersonalgrowth.Angerisyourcluethatyouarenottakingresponsibility.

Relationshipwithanotherisonlyoneareawhereyoucangiveawayyourpower.Itisimportanttolookatallotherareasofyourlifeaswell,todeterminewhereyouarenottakingresponsibility.Yourcluewillbeanyoneofthefollowingsigns:

angerimpatienceupsetjoylessnessblamingothersfatiguepainattemptingtocontrolotherslackoffocusobsessivenessself-pityaddictionsenvyjudgmentalnesshelplessnessdisappointmentconstantstateoflimbojealousy

Thisisnotacompletelist,butyougettheidea.Wheneveryoufeelanyofthese,determinewhatyouarenotdoinginyourlifethatiscausingthetelltalesign.Youwillbesurprisedhoweasyitistolocatewhereyouareabdicatingresponsibility.

4.TakingresponsibilitymeanshandlingtheChatterbox.Thisisthelittlevoiceinside,thevoicethattriestodriveyoucrazy—andoftensucceeds!I’llbetsomeofyoudon’tevenknowit’sthere(IwasshockedwhenIbecameawareofit),butIpromiseyouitholdsthekeytoallyourfears.It’sthevoicethatheraldsdoom,lack,andlosing.We’resousedtoitspresenceweoftendon’tevennoticeitistalkingtous.IfyouarenotawareofyourChatterbox,itsoundssomethinglikethis:

IfIcallhimmaybehe’llthinkI’mtoopushy,butmaybeifIdon’tcallhim,he’llthinkI’mnotinterested.ButifIcallhimandhismessagemachineisonI’llwonderwhereheisanditwillruin

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mywholeeveningbecauseI’llknowheisoutwithanotherwoman,butifIdon’tcallI’llwonderanyway.MaybeIshouldn’tgoouttonight.Hemightcallandthenhe’llthinkI’moutwithsomeoneelseandhe’llthinkIdon’tcare.ButifIcallhe’llreallyknowI’minterestedandhe’llprobablystartbackingawayfromme.Iwonderwhyhehasn’tcalled.MaybeIwastoocoolthisafternoonwhenIbumpedintohimatlunch.MaybeIshouldhavebeenwarmer.IwishI’dbeenwearingsomethingmoreattractive.Ilooksofatinthisoutfit.Andmymakeupwasterrible.Heseemedalittlecool.IwonderifitwasbecauseheheardIwentoutwithAllentheothernight.Well,Idon’tthinkheshouldexpectmetosithomeeverynightandwaitforhimtocall.Hehasalotofnerveifheexpectsthat.ThenexttimeIseehimI’llaskhimwhyhehasn’tcalled.Weweresupposedtogotothemoviesthisweek,andhedidn’tevenremember.I’mgoingtoconfronthimwithhislackofresponsibility.Iwon’tbejudgmental,butI’llcertainlylethimknowhowIfeel....

Orthis:

I’mreallyangryatmybossfornotincludingmeinthemeetingthismorning.Hereallydoesn’tappreciatealltheworkIdoforhim.Theothersspendtheirdayloafingandtheygetinvitedtothemeeting.MaybeI’lltryloafingandseeifhelikesthatbetter.Itreallydoesn’tpaytogiveyouralltoajob.Younevergetrewardedforallthehardwork.Itjustpaystobeabigmanipulator,likealltherest.Anhonesthardworkerisjustnotappreciatedanymore.I’llshowhim.I’lllookaroundforanotherjob.Butthejobmarketissolousyrightnow,I’dneverfindanything.IwishIhadcompletedmymaster’sdegree—thenI’dhaveabetterchance.I’mreallystuckhere...nooneishiringpeopleoverfortyanymore.It’sallinwhoyouknow.Ifmyparentshadhadmoney,Iwouldhavebeenabletosocializewithpeoplewhohavesomeclout.Ireallyfeelused.Ican’tbelievetheyexcludedmefromthemeeting.Whodoeshethinkheis?Thiskindofthingalwayshappenstome....

Nowondersomanyofushatebeingaloneandcan’tbeinaroomwithoutturningontheradioortelevisionforcompany.Anythingtoescapesuchinsanity!Beassuredthatthis“insanity”seemstobeanunavoidablephaseinthegrowthprocess.WeareallvictimsofourChatterboxesatsomepointinourlives.

Nowthatyouknowitexists,youwillalsonoticethatyoucan’tseemtoturnitoff—atleastnotyet.Thegoodnewsisthatthereareveryeffectivewaystogetridofthiskindofnegativity,whichwillbediscussedinlaterchapters.Fornow,simplynoticethatyourChatterboxismakingyouavictim,andcommityourselftoreplacingitwithalovingvoice.Youdon’thavetohangoutwithenemies,eveniftheyarewithinyourself.Bytheway,onceyougetridofthenegativityyourChatterboxbrings,youwillreallybegintoenjoybeingalone.

5.Takingresponsibilitymeansbeingawareofpayoffsthatkeepyou“stuck.”Payoffsexplainwhywechoosetoperpetuatewhatwedon’twantinourlives.Onceyouunderstandpayoffs,yourbehaviorwillmakemuchmoresensetoyou.Letmegiveyouafewexamples.

JeanJeanwasfeelinghorriblystuckinherjobandwanteddesperatelytogetout.Sheviewedherselfasa

victim.PoorJean!HerChatterboxconstantlyplayedthe“ifonly”game.Ifonlythejobmarketwerealittlebetter,shewouldn’thaveaproblem.Ifonlyshehadbetterskills,therewouldbemoreopportunity.WhatwasreallykeepingJeanatherjob?Whatwerethepayoffs?

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Byremainingavictim,Jeanhadclearlybecomecomfortable.Shedidn’thavetofacepossiblerejectioninhersearchforanewjob.Althoughshehatedherjob,itwaseasy.Sheknewshecouldhandleit;shedidn’thavetoquestionhercompetence.Sheputinherhoursanddidn’thavetoexpendanyadditionalenergy.Andthejobwasrelativelysecure.

OnceJeanbecameawareofallherpayoffs,shehadatleastthreechoices.Thefirstwastostaywhereshewasandcontinuetobemiserable.Thesecondwastostaywhereshewasandchoosetoenjoyherjob.Thethirdwastochoosetofindamoresatisfyingjob.

Whatdidsheultimatelydo?Afterrecognizingthepayoffsforwhattheywere,shewasabletobreakawayandfindanewjob.Aslongasshewasinthevictimmode,shewasstuck.Assoonassherealizedshewaschoosingtostaybecauseofthepayoffs,andnotbecauseofher“ifonly”s,shewasabletomove.

KevinKevinhadbeenseparatedfromhiswifeforfiveyears.Althoughhehadfoundsomeoneelsehe

wantedtomarry,hewasnotabletotellhiswifeandchildrenthathewantedadivorce.Whenthenewwomanthreatenedtoleave,hesoughtprofessionalhelp.The“victim”storyhisChatterboxwastellinghimwasthathiswifewouldkillherself,hischildrenwouldnevertalktohimagain,andhisparentswoulddisownhim.PoorKevin!Hereallybelievedallthisonaconsciouslevelandwasparalyzedwithguilt.

Withthehelpofatherapist,itdidnottakehimlongtoseethattherealproblemwashisownfearoflettinggo.Thoughhenolongerlovedhiswife,sheunconsciouslyrepresentedapsychological“placetocomehometo,”andhewasfrightenedtoseverthetiepermanently.Thatwashispayoffforstayingstuck.

AssoonasKevinwasabletoseethathisownirrationalfearwasstoppinghim,heimmediatelystartedproceedingstodivorcehiswife.Naturally,hiswifedidnotkillherself,hischildrenneverstoppedtalkingtohim,andhisparentsdidn’tdisownhim.Theywonderedwhathadtakenhimsolong!Thepointisthatonceherecognizedthathispayoffswerethereasonhewaschoosingtoremaininthemarriage,hisguiltdisappearedandhewasabletotakeaction.

TanyaTanyawasalwayssick,whichinterferedgreatlywithmanyofthethingsshewantedtodoinlife.

Shetrulysawherselfasa“poorthing”endowedwithanunhealthybody.Afull-fledgedvictimifyoueversawone!Inoneofmyworkshops,Iaskedthegrouptolistthepayoffsforstaying“stuck”inwhateveritwasthatwasbotheringthem.Tanyacouldfindnopayoffsforbeingsickallthetime...untilthegrouphelpedherout.

Theypointedouttoherthatherillnessgotheralotofattentionandthatitkeptherfromhavingtoputherselfoutthereintheworldandtakeanyrisks.Shedenieditatfirst,butfinallywasabletoacknowledgethattherewassometruthinwhattheyweresaying.

Tanyahadneverlookedatherunhealthinessasmanipulation,thoughherunconsciousknewexactlywhatitwasdoing.Asachild,illnesswastheonlydevicethatgotheranyattention.Tanya’sawarenessofthepayoffswastheimpetussheneededtoturnherlifearound.Realizingthatshewaspossiblycreatingherillhealth,shemadealotofchangesinherlife.

First,shecompletelychangedherdietandjoinedahealthclub.Asimportant—perhapsmoreso—sheaskedthesignificantothersinherlifetohelpherby“rewarding”heronlywhenshewaswellandignoringherwhenshewassick.Theyobligedafteralittlepractice.Shebegancreatingworkgoalsforherselfandpushingherselftomeetthem,evenwhenshewassick.Shebegandoingmanyofthepositiveexercisesinthisbook—suchasusingaffirmationsandinspirationalaudios.

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Whenshefullyrealizedherpayoffsforbeingill,Tanyawasabletochoose:Didshewanttogetattentionforbeingsickallherlife,ordidshewanttofindamoresatisfyingwayofrelatingtopeopleandtoherlifegoals?Didshealwayswanttobeanobserverofliferatherthanaparticipant?Shechosethelatter...andsicknessisnolongeranissueinherlife.

Fromthesecasestudies,youcanseethepowerthathiddenpayoffscanhaveinourlives.Theyarenotdifficulttodiscoveronceyourealizetheyexist.It’ssimplyamatterofsittingdownwithapencilandpaperandlistingthem.Sometimestheyareobvioustoothers,butmaskedfromyourownvision.Ifyoucan’tfindthem,askafriendtohelp.Youmightbesurprisedtodiscoverthatyourfriendsknowmoreaboutyourmotivesthanyoudo.

6.Takingresponsibilitymeansfiguringoutwhatyouwantinlifeandactingonit.Setyourgoals—thengooutandworktowardthem.

Figureoutwhatkindofspaceyouwouldliketolivein...thencreateit.Itdoesn’ttakealotofmoneytocreateapeaceful,lovinghomeforyourself.

Lookaroundandseewhoyouwouldlovetoincludeinyourcircleoffriends...thenpickupthephoneandmakeplanstogettogether.Don’tsitaroundwaitingforthemtocallyou.

Checkoutyourbody.Determinewhatyouneedtodotocreatewhatlooksandfeelshealthy...thenmakeithappen.

Mostofusdonot“sculpt”ourlives.Weacceptwhatcomesourway...thenwegripeaboutit.Manyofusspendourliveswaiting—waitingfortheperfectmate,waitingfortheperfectjob,waitingfortheperfectfriendstocomealong.Thereisnoneedtowaitforanyonetogiveyouanythinginyourlife.Youhavethepowertocreatewhatyouneed.Givencommitment,cleargoals,andaction,it’sjustamatteroftime.

7.Takingresponsibilitymeansbeingawareofthemultitudeofchoicesyouhaveinanygivensituation.

Oneofmystudentsputitthisway:“Fromthetimemyalarmclockrings,IhaveanhourandahalfaloneandIrealizeit’salluptomewhatthedayisgoingtostartlike.It’suptomewhetherI’mgoingtoopentheshadesandletthelightinormessaroundinthedark.It’smychoicetolieinbedandsay‘Yuck,Idon’twanttogetupandgotowork.Ididn’tfinishthereportI’msupposedtohavereadytoday.’Orit’smychoicetolieinbedandgivemyselfpositiveself-talkandlookforwardtothecomingday.It’smychoicetoputthemusicon,dancearoundtheapartmentinsteadofputtingonthenegativityofthenewsorlisteningtomynegativeChatterbox....It’suptomewhetherI’mgoingtoworryabouthowmybodyisnotinshapeorwhetherI’mgoingtotellmyselfIamintheprocessofcreatingagreatbody.Thewholedayisuptome!”

Asyougothrougheachday,itisimportanttorealizethatateverymomentyouarechoosingthewayyoufeel.Whenadifficultsituationcomesintoyourlife,itispossibletotuneintoyourmindandsay,“Okay,choose.”Areyougoingtomakeyourselfmiserableorcontent?Areyougoingtovisualizescarcityorabundance?Areyougoingtoputyourselfdownforgettingangrywithyourhusbandorareyousimplygoingtonoticewhatinsecurityyouwerefeelingatthetimeanddiscussitwithhim?Thechoiceisdefinitelyyours.Picktheonethatcontributesmosttoyouralivenessandgrowth.

Herearesomeotherkindsofchoices:

Yourfrienddecidesnottogowithyouonthetripyouhadplannedtogether.You’rereallyangry....OR...Youunderstandshehasherreasons,andyoufindsomeoneelsetosharethetrip,oryougoaloneandhaveaball!

Yourhusbandisanalcoholic.Youspendyourwholelifetryingtochangehimorscoldhim...

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.OR...YouattendAl-Anonmeetingsandlearntochangeyourself.Yourfluhascausedyoutomissthebigmeetingyouwerescheduledtoattend.Youaresure

thismeanstheendofyourwholecareer....OR...Yourealizeyouhavelimitlesswaysofcreatingasuccessfulcareerforyourself.

YourvisittosunnyCaliforniaisfilledwithtorrentsofrain.Youlamentyourbadluckfortheentiretrip....OR...Youfindwaystomakeitagreatvacationanyway.

Bynowyoucanreallyseethatthechoiceisyours.Asyoucontinuetoread,youwillfurtheryourabilitytoplaceyourselfontheupsideofanygivensituation.Keepinmindthatthiswayofthinkingdoesn’texcuseinappropriatebehavioronthepartofothersinyourlife.Itsimplyallowsyoutohaveamoresatisfyinglife.Fullytakingresponsibilityforyourexperienceoflifeisalongprocessthatrequiresmuchpractice.I’mstillworkingonitdailyaftermanyyears...andeachdaymylifegetsbetterandbetterandbetter.Thepointissimplytobegin.Youwillstarttofeelbetterimmediately.

Thefollowingsixexerciseswillhelpyoufeelnoticeablymorepowerfulinthefaceofyourfears:

1.Listallthepayoffsyougetfromstayingstuckinsomeaspectofyourlife.Whatdon’tyouhavetoface?Whatdon’tyouhavetodo?Whatcomfortdoyouget?Whatimagedoyougettoholdonto?Beashonestwithyourselfasyoupossiblycan.Whenyouareawareofwhatyouaredoing,youwillautomaticallydiscardalotofyourrobotlikebehavior.Youwillleadyourselfinsteadofbeingled.

2.Beawareofalltheoptionsyouhaveduringthecourseofagivenday.Whenyouareconfrontedwithadifficultsituation,sitdownandwriteinanotebookallthepossiblewaysyoucanactandfeelaboutit.Closeyoureyesandpictureyourselfhappyaboutit...thensadaboutit...thenoutrageous...thenhumorous...thenheavy...thenlight...andsoon.Youwillbegintoseehoweasyitistochangeyourpointofview—hence,yourfeelings.Youareincontrol.

Eachtimeyouareupset,beconsciousofthealternativesavailabletoyou.Again,makeitagame.Innowayshouldyouputyourselfdownforbeingupset.It’sagreatclueastowhereyouneedtobegintakingresponsibility.

3.Startnoticingwhatyousayinconversationswithfriends.Seeifitincludesalotofcomplainingaboutotherpeople,suchas,“WouldyoubelievethatJillwaslatefordinneragain?Wehadthebiggestfight—rightintherestaurant.”Ifthissoundsfamiliar,seeifyoucanturnthesituationaroundsothatyoulearnsomethingnewaboutyourself.Forexample,“InoticethatwhenJillislate,Ibegintofeelreallyangry.IwonderwhyIfeelthatway?Ithinkit’sbecauseshedoesn’tseemtohaveanyrespectformytime.Ontheotherhand,partofmelikesit.Itmakesmefeelsuperiortoalwayshavesomethingtogripeabout....”

4.Inanotebook,listthemanychoicesavailabletoyouthatcanchangepresentlyupsettingexperiencesintopositiveones.UsingtheexampleofJill’slateness,whatchoicescouldyoumake?

Youcouldstopmeetingwithher;arrivelater,knowingshewillbelate;bringsomeinterestingreadingmaterial;relax.Ifmeetingontimeisessential,youcouldsimplytellherthatifsheisnottherebyanagreed-uponhour,youwillnotwait.Thereisnoreasonforanger.

Thekeyisnottoblameothersforyourbeingupset.Thisisnottocondonethebehaviorofothers,butsimplynottoallowittobethesourceofyourupset.

Ineverysituationthereareatleastthirtywaystochangeyourpointofview.Makethisanothergame—the“changeyourpointofview”game.Playitwithafriend;havinga“growthbuddy”isverynourishing.

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5.Begintolookatthegiftsyouhavereceivedfromwhatyouhavealwayslookedatasa“bad”situation.Forexample,ifyouarestillhurtingfromyourdivorce,begintofocusonthegoodthingsyouhadduringthemarriageandthegoodthingsthathavecomeaboutasaresultofthedivorce,suchasnewfriends,newwaysofdealingwithmoney,freedom,lessdependency.

6.Thisoneisreallytough!Seeifyoucangooneweekwithoutcriticizinganyoneorcomplainingaboutanything.Youwillbesurprisedhowdifficultthisis.Youwillalsobesurprisedtolearnhowmuchcomplainingandcriticizingyoudo.

Bytheway,whenyouultimatelystopputtingdownotherpeopleinyourlife,itmayseemasifyouhavenothinglefttotalkaboutwithyourfriends.Gripingisahabit,andneedstobereplacedbysomethingmorepositive.Thistakesabitoftimeandingenuity,butitwillbefarmoresatisfyingandjoyful.

SevenWaystoReclaimYourPower

1.Avoidcastingblameonanexternalforceforyourbadfeelingsaboutlife.Nothingoutsideyourselfcancontrolyourthinkingoryouractions.

2.Avoidblamingyourselffornotbeingincontrol.Youaredoingthebestyoucan,andyouareonthewaytoreclaimingyourpower.

3.Beawareofwhenandwhereyouplaythevictimrole.Learnthecluesthattellyouthatyouarenotbeingresponsibleforwhatyouarebeing,having,doing,orfeeling.

4.Familiarizeyourselfwithyourbiggestenemy—yourChatterbox.Usetheexercisesthroughoutthisbooktoreplaceitwithalovinginternalfriend.

5.Figureoutthepayoffsthatkeepyou“stuck.”Paradoxically,onceyoufindthem,youwillprobablybeabletoquicklybecome“unstuck.”

6.Determinewhatyouwantinlifeandactonit.Stopwaitingforsomeonetogiveittoyou.You’llbewaitingalongtime.

7.Beawareofthemanychoicesyouhave—inbothactionsandfeelings—inanysituationthatcomesyourway.Choosethepaththatcontributestoyourgrowthandmakesyoufeelatpeacewithyourselfandothers.

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“D on’tbesuchaPollyanna!”1Howmanytimeshassomeonetriedtoputyoudownwiththese

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wordswhenyouweretryingtolookatthebrightersideofthings?FormanyyearsIneverquestionedthatbeingaPollyannawasabadthing.Itwasunconsciouslyhammeredintomyhead.

Havingdinnerwithafriendoneevening,Iferventlytriedtomakeherseethepositivesideofsomethingsheferventlyviewedasnegative.Suddenlyshedisdainfullyremarked,“You’rebeginningtosoundlikePollyanna.”Muchtohersurpriseandmine,Iblurtedout,“What’ssoterribleaboutPollyanna,anyway?What’swrongwithfeelinggoodaboutlifedespitetheobstaclesinyourway?What’swrongwithlookingatthesuninsteadofseeinggloomanddoom?What’swrongwithtryingtoseegoodineverything?Nothingiswrongwithit!”Iasserted.“Infact,”Iaddedincredulously,“whywouldanyoneresistthinkingthatway?”

Andresistwedo!Positivethinkingisoneofthemostdifficultofallconceptstogetacrosstopeople.WhenIpresentmyideasonpositivethinkinginmyworkshopsandclasses,manyofmystudentsrespondimmediatelywith“Oh,that’snotrealistic!”WhenIquestionthemaboutwhatmakesnegativethinkingmorerealistic,theycannotgivemeananswer.Thereisanautomaticassumptionthatnegativeisrealisticandpositiveisunrealistic.Uponinspection,thisispuremadness.

Itisreportedthatmorethan90%ofwhatweworryaboutneverhappens.Thatmeansthatournegativeworrieshavelessthana10%chanceofbeingcorrect.Ifthisisso,isn’tbeingpositivemorerealisticthanbeingnegative?Thinkaboutyourownlife.I’llwagerthatmostofwhatyouworryaboutneverhappens.Soareyoubeingrealisticwhenyouworryallthetime?No!

Ifyouthinkaboutit,theimportantissueisnotwhichismorerealistic,butrather,“Whybemiserablewhenyoucanbehappy?”IfbeingaPollyannacreatesahappierworldforyouandthosearoundyou,whyhesitateforonemoremoment?

Let’slookatexamplesofthesetwoattitudes.JoanandMarywerebothhousewivesintheirmidfortieswhentheirhusbandssuddenlydied.Joanimmediatelytookonthemantleoftragedy.Foryears,shesolicitedsympathyfromeveryone,untilitreachedthepointwherenoonewantedtobeinhercompany.Shethenhad“proof”thatsinglewomennevergetinvitedanywhere.Sheconvincedherselfthatshewouldneverfindanyonetoloveheragain,and,naturally,that’swhatherattitudeandbehaviorwerecreatingforher.Becauseherhusbandleftheronlyenoughmoneyforsurvival,shedecidedshewouldhavetoliveonthatamount,sincesomeoneheragewouldneverfindajob.Shewenttoafewinterviews,butwithherlackofenthusiasm,sheunderstandablyneverlandedajob.Hernegativitycreateda“realistic”lifeofmisery.

Mary,ontheotherhand,tookaPollyannaattitudeafterherhusband’sdeath.Followingashortperiodofmourning,shepickedherselfupandstartedalloveragain.Shewasoneofthoseindividualswhotrulybelievedthatonecancreategoodfromanything.Shetoowasleftwithoutanyextramoney,andshedeterminedthatitwasnowtimetogooutandobtainmoneyforherself.

AlthoughMaryhadneverworkedbefore,shewasconfidentthataplaceforherexistedinthejobmarket.Shehadalwaysdonevolunteerfund-raisingandlikeditimmensely.Onthebasisofherexperienceasavolunteer,sheappliedtobeanassistantinthefund-raisingdepartmentofamedium-sizedcharity.Withintwoyears,shefoundherselftotallyincharge.Throughoutthisperiodshewasfeelingasenseofexpansionandgrowthshehadneverfeltbefore.Althoughshewouldnothavewishedherhusband’sdeathandstillmisseshimattimes,sherealizesshehasgrownenormouslyasaresultofhavingtomakeitonherown.

UnlikeJoan’sfriends,Mary’sneverexcludedherfromanyoftheirplans.Whywouldthey?Shealwaysbroughtanincrediblesenseofenthusiasmandexuberancetolife.Thewaysheturnedhertragedyintotriumphservedasaninspirationtoeveryone.Herpositiveoutlookcreatedavery“realistic”lifeofjoyandsatisfaction.

Nothingisrealisticorunrealistic—thereisonlywhatwethinkaboutanygivensituation.Wecreateourownreality.

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Whatdoesthishavetodowithfear?Everything!Remember,tohandlefearistomovefromapositionofpaintooneofpower.Althoughbothwomenhadtheirfears,Joanheldhersfromapositionofpain,whereasMaryheldhersfromapositionofpower.Joan’sfearsresultedinstagnation;Mary’sfearsresultedingrowth.

Joanstillworriesaboutnothavingenoughfriends,aboutdyingalone,aboutrunningoutofmoney.Herheavinessisominous.ShetrulylivesherlifeontheleftsideofthePain-to-PowerChart—helpless,depressed,paralyzed.

Mary’sfears,ontheotherhand,ledtoherraisingmorethanenoughmoneyforherorganization,doingagoodjobonatelevisioninterview,gettinganewsletterprintedontime,andothersuccesses.HerfearshaveatotallydifferentqualityfromJoan’s.ShelivesontherightsideofthePain-to-PowerChart—ateaseinherworld,excited,andmotivated.Thereisabsolutelynoquestionthatlearningtothinkmorepositivelywillpullyoucloserandclosertowardfindingyourownpower.

IlearnedanamazingwaytodemonstratetheeffectivenessofpositiveversusnegativethinkingfromJackCanfield,coauthoroftheChickenSoupfortheSoulseriesandPresidentofSelf-EsteemSeminars,whichIhaveusedinmyworkshops.Iasksomeonetocomeupandstandfacingtherestoftheclass.Aftermakingsurethepersonhasnoproblemswithher(orhis)arms,Iaskmyvolunteertomakeafistandextendeitherarmouttotheside.Ithentellhertoresist,withasmuchstrengthasshecanmuster,asIstandfacingherandattempttopushherarmdownwithmyoutstretchedhand.NotoncehaveIsucceededinpushingherarmdownonmyinitialtrial.

Ithenaskhertoputherarmdown,closehereyesandrepeattentimesthenegativestatement“Iamaweakandunworthyperson.”Itellherreallytogetintothefeelofthatstatement.Whenshehasrepeatedthestatementtentimes,Iaskhertoopenhereyesandextendherarmagainexactlyasshehadbefore.Iremindhertoresistashardasshecan.Immediately,Iamabletobringdownherarm.Itisasthoughallstrengthhaslefther.

IwishIcouldrecordtheexpressionsonmyvolunteers’faceswhentheyfinditimpossibletoresistmypressure.Afewhavemademedoitagain.“Iwasn’tready!”istheirplea.Loandbehold,thesamethinghappensonthesecondtry—thearmgoesrightdownwithlittleresistance.Theyaredumbfounded.

Ithenaskthevolunteeronceagaintoclosehereyes,andrepeattentimesthepositivestatement“Iamastrongandworthyperson.”AgainItellhertoreallygetintothefeelingofthewords.OnceagainIaskhertoextendherarmandresistmypressure.Toheramazement(andeveryoneelse’s)Icannotbudgethearm.Infact,itismoresteadfastthanthefirsttimeItriedtopushitdown.

IfIcontinueinterspersingpositivewithnegative,thesameresultsoccur.Icanpushthearmdownafterthenegativestatement,Iamnotabletopushitdownafterthepositivestatement.Bytheway—foryouskepticsoutthere—ItriedthisexperimentwhenIwasunawareofwhatthevolunteerwassaying.Ilefttheroom,andtheclassdecidedwhetherthestatementshouldbenegativeorpositive.Itdidn’tmatter.Weakwordsmeantaweakarm.Strongwordsmeantastrongarm.

Thisisastunningdemonstrationofthepowerofthewordswespeak.Positivewordsmakeusphysicallystrong;negativewordsmakeusphysicallyweak.Theamazingaspectofthisexperimentisthatitdoesn’tmatterifwebelievethewordsornot.Themereutteringofthemmakesourinnerselfbelievethem.Itisasthoughtheinnerselfdoesn’tknowwhatistrueandwhatisfalse.Itdoesn’tjudge.Itonlyreactstowhatitisfed.Whenthewords“Iamweak”comein,ourinnerselfinstructstherestofus,“He(orshe)wantstobeweaktoday.”Whenthewords“Iamstrong”comein,theinstructiontoyourbodyis“Hewantstobestrongtoday.”

Whatdoesallthistellyou?STOPFEEDINGYOURSELFNEGATIVETHOUGHTS.Negativethoughtstakeawayyourpower...andthusmakeyoumoreparalyzedfromyourfear.

Asyouknow,positivethinkingisnotanewconcept.AsidefromPollyanna,NormanVincentPeale,NapoleonHill,MaxwellMaltz,andotherspopularizedtheconceptmanyyearsago.Theirbooksare

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stillavailabletoday.So,whydon’tpeoplethinkmorepositively?Myguessisthatpeopledon’tunderstandwhatbeingapositivethinkerrequires.Ittakesaspecialcommitmentandrequiresagreatdealofpractice.Andonceyougetitalldownperfectly,amaintenanceprogramisamust.Iknowofnoonewhohasbeenabletomake“positive”apermanentwayofthinkingwithoutpractice.Suchpeoplemayexist;Isimplyhaven’tmetthem.Inmyexperience,ifyoudon’tpractice,youlosetheskill.Thisisthepointmostpeopledon’tseemtounderstand.

Iknowitdoesn’tseemfairthatyouautomaticallybecomenegativewhenyoustoppracticingthepositive.Ilikenittoexercise.Onceyougetyourbodyinshape,youcan’tstopworkingout.Withinashorttimeyourmusclesstartlosingtone,andwhereyouoncecoulddofiftysit-ups,twentyisnowyourmaximum.Youmustkeepatit.

Theintellectactsinthesameway.Whenproblemsolving,stimulatingdiscussionorreadingisapartofyourdailylife,yourmindissharp.Afteratwo-weekvacationofloungingonthebeach,yourbrainfeelssoggy.Ittakesquiteafewdaystogetyourbrainbackinshape.

Obviously,certainaspectsofourselvesneedconstantreinforcement,andapositivementalattitudeisjustoneofthem.Tooffersomegoodevidenceforthis,manyyearsagoIjoinedaremarkablegroupcalledTheInsideEdge,foundedbyDianaandPaulvonWelanetz.Thegroupstillexiststoday,andiscomprisedofwhatIconsidertobesuccessfulandpositivepeople.Ateachmeeting,eitheroneofthegroupmembersoranoutsidespeakergivesaninspirationaltalkthatismotivatingandenergizing.Everyoneinthegrouprecognizestheneedtonotonlypracticepositivethinking,butalsotobearoundpositivepeople.

Itissignificantthatinthisgroupareanumberofbestsellingauthorsintheself-helpfield.Theyknowmostoftheself-helptechniquesavailable,yettheycongregateweekafterweek—Imightadd,at6:15inthemorning—inordertooffereachothersupport.Iwouldwagerthateveryoneofthempracticessomesortofpositivethinkingdaily.Theyknowthatiftheymissaday,theyfeelalittle“off.”

Iknowmostpeopleresistthefactthatconstantpracticeisrequired,orwewouldallbepositivethinkers.Itmighthelptorememberthatyourshower,yourmakeup,andyourshavealsodon’tlast,yetyoudon’thaveanyresistancetostartingyourdaywithshowering,shaving,orputtingonnewmakeup.Thesearerefreshingactivities—andsoispositivethinking.Infact,itfeelswonderful!

Sohereyouare,ablobofnegativity.Howdoyouevenbegintoturnaroundthosemiserablethoughtsthattakeawayyourpower?Youbeginbydoingthesamethingyouwoulddoifyourbodywereoutofshape.Youcreateanexerciseprogram—inthiscase,toretrainyourmind.Todoso,youmusttakeaction.

Beforegivingyouasuggestedactionplan,Irecommendthatyouhaveonhandthefollowingtomakeyourdailyroutinemoreefficientandcertainlymorepleasurable:

1.AsmallaudiocassetteorCDplayer,iPod,oralloftheabove...whateversuitsyoubestfor“portable”listening.

2.PositiveaudiotapesandCDs.Wearesofortunateintoday’sworldtohavesuchanarrayofaudiomaterialavailabletousforcreatingapositiveviewoflife.Theseincludeaffirmation,relaxation,meditation,motivation,visualization,andinspirationaltapesandCDs.Also,manyupliftingbooksarenowavailableinaudioformat.Onceyourealizethebenefitsyou’llreceivefromsuchlisteningmaterialyouwilltakejoyinbuildinganextensiveaudiolibrary.

3.Positivebooksthatinspireandmotivate.Isuggestthatyoubuyyourbooksinsteadofborrowingthemfromthelibrary.Thereasonforthisisthatyouwillwanttounderlineandwriteinthebooksand

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rereadthemoverandoveragain.Youwillwantto“own”thesebooksineverysenseoftheword.Theyprovideanincrediblesupportsystemthatisthereforyouatalltimes.Youmightfeelthatbuyingthesebooksandaudiosisacostlyproposition—andyou’reright.YetIcan’tthinkofabetterinvestmenttohelpyoucreateabetterlife.Ifmoneyisaproblem,startslowly.Theimportantthingis:BEGIN!

4.IndexcardsorPost-itnotes.

5.Positivequotes.Findthosethatreallytouchyouinsomeway.Someveryeffectivequotesformeare:

“Shipsinharboraresafe,butthat’snotwhatshipsarebuiltfor.”—JohnShedd“Thebestwayoutisalwaysthrough.”—HelenKeller“I’mnotafailureifIdon’tmakeit...I’masuccessbecauseItried.”—Unknown“Consideringhowdangerouseverythingis,nothingisreallyveryfrightening!”—GertrudeStein

Andhowabout:

“Feelthefear...anddoitanyway!”—SusanJeffersWriteeachquoteonanindividualindexcardorPost-it.Thenputthemallovertheplace—onyour

mirrors,yourdesk,therefrigeratordoor,inyourcar,yourdiary,andsoon.Youmaywanttoputonequotethatreally“speaks”toyouonmanycards,sothatwhereveryouturn,it’sthereasareminder.

Ifyouareartistic,makeadecorativeposterwithyourquotestohangonyourwall.Orbuyoneofthosewonderfulposterswithinspirationalsayingsonthemanduseittodecorateyourwall.

Youwillfindthatyourquoteswillchangeoftenasyoumoveaheadwithyourlife.Differentideasaremeaningfulatdifferenttimes.Justkeepchangingthequotes.Becreative;trytobringsomelightnesstothetask.AshumoristJanMarshallsaid,“Notashredofevidenceexiststhatlifeisserious!”Gooverboardandbeoutrageousuntilfriendsaskyouwhat’sgoingon.Reallyhavefunwiththis.

6.Affirmations.ImentionedaffirmationtapesandCDsonpage67(#2).Whatisanaffirmation?Anaffirmationisself-talkinitshighestform.Rememberthepowerofself-talkinthearmexperiment?Anaffirmationisoneofyourgreatesttools,andtheeasiestandcheapesttouse.

Anaffirmationisapositivestatementthatsomethingisalreadyhappening.It’snothappeningtomorroworinthefuture,butrightnow.Hereareafew:

Iambreakingthrougholdpatternsandmovingforwardwithmylife.

IrelaxknowingIcanhandleitall.Istandtallandtakeresponsibilityformylife.IknowthatIcountandIactasifIdo.IspreadwarmthandloveeverywhereIgo.IletgoandItrustit’sallhappeningperfectly.Ipeacefullyallowmylifetounfold.Iamfindingthegiftinallexperiences.IampowerfulandIamlovingandIhavenothingtofear.Ifocusonmymanyblessings.

Thesearejustafewtogetyoustarted.IamsuchastrongbelieverinaffirmationsthatIhavecreatedthreeaffirmationaudios:InnerTalkforaConfidentDay,InnerTalkforPeaceofMind,andInnerTalkforaLovethatWorks(seethebibliography).Listeningtotheseaudioswillcertainlybuildupyour

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repertoireofaffirmations,asyoubuildupyoursenseofconfidence,peace,andlove.Therearesomethingstorememberaboutaffirmations:

Alwaysstateaffirmationsinthepresent.Wrong:Iwillhandlemyfears.Right:Iamnowhandlingmyfears.

Alwaysphraseaffirmationsinthepositive,ratherthanthenegative.Wrong:Iamnolongerputtingmyselfdown.Right:Iambecomingmoreconfidenteveryday.

Selectaffirmationsthatfeelrighttoyouatanygiventime.Whatfeelsrightchangesasyoursituationandmoodchange.

Nowwhatdoyoudowithallofthesetools?Iwillillustratebygoingthroughatypicalday,puttingthesepositivethinkingtoolstouse.Thewholepointoftheprogramcanbesummedupinthreewords:OUTTALKYOURNEGATIVITY.And,asyouprobablyalreadyknow,thisisachallenge.

ThatinternalChatterboxhasincrediblestayingpower.Itwillresistineverywayitcaninordertomaintainitspoweroveryou.Onceyouhavethatlittlevoiceundercontrol,you’vegotitmade.Atthatpoint,positivethinkingwillbecomemoreautomatic,sothatjustafewdailyreminderswillsufficetokeepyouuplifted.Butinthebeginningit’sgottobefullspeedahead!Solet’sgothroughyourfirstdayofouttalkingyourChatterbox.

Beginner’sIntensiveforPositiveThinking

1.Asyoubegintoawaken,turnonyouraudiomachine.RemembertochooseyouraudiothenightbeforeandinsertitinyourmachinereadyforyoutopressthePLAYbutton.Anaffirmationaudiooffersyouawonderfulwaytostarttheday(InnerTalkforaConfidentDaywouldworkbeautifullyhere).Oryoucanchooseameditation,motivational,orinspirationaltalkoraudiobookasanalternative.Whatgreattimesweliveinforlearningandgrowing!AfteryoupressthePLAYbutton,lietherewithyoureyesclosedandletthepowerfulandlovingthoughtssinkin.Youhavetoadmitthatthiscertainlybeatslyingtherethinkingabouthowyoudon’twanttogetupandfaceallthelousyandscarythingsyouhavetodoallday.

2.Asyougetoutofbed,payattentiontothepositivequotesyou’vesurroundedyourselfwith—onthewall,therefrigerator,yourmirror,andsoon.Youmightwanttochuckleabitatwhatittakesforthehumanracetomakeitselffeelgood!

3.Asyoudress,it’sagreattimetoplaysomemusicthatmakesyourheartsing.Thatcouldberelaxationmusic,rockmusic,classicalmusic,orwhateverfeelsrightforyouatanygivenmoment.

4.Also,asyoudress,begintorepeattheaffirmationsyouhavechosenfortheday.Agreatplacetorepeatyouraffirmationsisinfrontofthemirror.Repeatyouraffirmationsforatleasttenminutes,andcontinuethroughoutthedaywhenevernegativitytriestoenteryourthinking.Itrequiresvigilancetonoticethatthenegativityisthere;itsneaksinsoquietly.Butassoonasyouareawareofit,beginreplacingthisnegativitywithyouraffirmations.Don’tletthelittlevoicetakeover.OuttalkyourChatterbox!Ipromiseyouthatwithpracticethenegativevoicewillbetherarityandthepositivevoicethenorm.Justbelievethatconstantrepetitionwilldothetrickeventually.

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NOTE:Inthebeginning,Isuggestthatyoudonotturnonthetelevisionorradioandlistentothenews,ifthatisyourhabit.Thepresentationofthenewsisoverwhelminglynegative.Forthetimebeing,letyourchosenpositivevoicebetheonlynewsyouhearasyouprepareforthehappeningsoftheday.Ifitisyourhabittoreadthenewspaperasyoueatbreakfast,readoneofyourinspirationalormotivationalself-helpbooksinstead.

WhileteachingafearclassinNewYork,asanexperimentIinstructedmystudentstostayawayfromthenewsentirely.Theyweresurprisedatthepositivedifferenceitmadeintheirlives.Insteadoftalkingwithfriendsabouthowmiserabletheworldsituationwas,theybegansharingthepositiveideastheylearnedfromtheself-helpbooks,andtheirconversationsbecamemoreanimatedandexciting.

Onceyou’veacquiredthepositivethinkinghabit,youcanresumereadingtheentirepaperandlisteningtothenews.Youmayfindthatyouhavedevelopedamoreconstructiveapproachtothemedia,seeingin“badnews”opportunitiestobegintakingresponsibilityforyourselfandyourcommunity.

5.Ifyouexercisedaily,thatisanopportunetimetopumpinyourpositivethinking.Affirmationssuchas,“Icanfeeltheenergycoursingthroughmybody”and“Iamcreatingabeautifulday”willmakeyourexerciseroutinefarmoreeffective.

6.Breakfastisoveranditisnowtimetogetyourselftowork.IliveinLosAngelesandIoftenhearpeoplelamentingaboutthetimetheyhavetospendintheirautomobiles.Notme!Ihavemademycarmy“templeoflearning,”andIcan’twaittogetintoit.AssoonasIturnonthemotor,IturnononeofmytapesorCDs.Ilistentoeithermotivationalorinspirationalmessagesorstirringmusic.ThisistimethatsomepeopleseeaswastedandIseeasimmenselyproductive.Withoutmycartrip,Iloseoutonalotoflisteningtime.

NOTE:Donotuseyourrelaxationormeditationaudiosinthecar,forobviousreasons.Ifyouwalktowork,modernaudioequipmentcanmakelisteningtoyouraudiosalongtheway

possible...oryoucansimplyrepeatyouraffirmationsoverandoveragain.Ifyouworkinyourhome,youareinluck,becauseyoucanplayyourpositivemessagesalldayasyoudoyourchoresandrunyourerrands.Andifyouhavesmallchildrenathome,thinkaboutthepositiveimpactthesetapeswillhaveontheiryoungandimpressionableminds.

7.Asyouwalkintoyouroffice,beawareofthepositivemessagesyouhavealreadyplacedthere.Again,chuckletoyourself.Ithelpsyoutolightenupabouteverything!

8.Pickonespecialaffirmationfortheday.Thenwriteitinyourdiary.Ifyouarerunningshortonaffirmations,chooseonethatfeelsrightforyoufrommyInnerTalkbooksoraudios.Or,youcanvisitmywebsiteandusethedailyaffirmationthatIplacethere.Everytimeyourefertoyourdiary,saytheaffirmationatleasttentimes.Youcanalsoplaceaspecialaffirmationonyourdeskwhereitisconstantlyvisible.Rightnowtheaffirmationonmydeskis“It’sallhappeningperfectly.”Itistheretoremindmethatnomatterwhathappensrelativetoanysituationinmylife,Iwilllearnandgrowfromitall.Agreatreminderindeed!

9.Unlessyouareatotalmasochist,youwillwanttomaintainthehighenergyandfearlessstateyoupluggedintowithyourearly-morningritual.Asdailypressuresanddoubtsbegintoseepin,simplygiveyourselfa“fix”ofpositiveenergy.Allyouhavetodoisrepeatyouraffirmationsoverandoveragainuntilyoufeelyourstrengthandoptimismreturn.YourChatterboxwillalsobetryingtoenteryourconsciousnessallday;remembertoouttalkit.Keepthesepositivefixesgoingdayandnight.

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10.Beforeyougotosleep,putarelaxationtapeintoyouraudiomachineandletinthesoothingmessages.InnerTalkforPeaceofMindwouldbeaverygoodchoicetosendyouofftoarestfulandhappysleep...oranyotheraudiothatgivesyouafeelingofpeace.ThisismuchbetterthanlisteningtoyourChatterbox,whichtriestoconvinceyouthatyourlifeislackingandthatyouarenotgoodenough.Awful!Instead,driftofftoblissfulsleepwiththerecordingfeedingyoumessagesofloveandcaring.

PleasebelievemewhenItellyouthatifyoucommityourselftosuchaprogramyourwholeworldwillturnaround.Positivethinkingchangeseverythinginyourlife.WithoutyournegativeChatterbox,youwillwonderwhatyouwerealwayssoafraidofbefore.Youwillhaveenergyyouneverthoughtpossible.Youwilllaughalotandlovealotmore.Youwilldrawmoreandmorepositivepeopleintoyourlife.Youwillbehealthierphysically.Youwillbehappytobealive.

Inashortperiodoftime(you’llknowwhenyouareready),youcaneaseupabitandbeginamaintenanceprogram.Giveyourselfatleastonemonth,however,beforeyoucutback.Ifonsomedaysyouwerenotasdiligentasyouwouldhaveliked,don’tletyourChatterboxscoldyou.Icanjusthearitintheresaying,“See,youcan’tevenfollowasimpleprogramlikethis.You’llneverfeelgood.You’rehopeless.”Justkeeprememberingthatit’sonlyyourChatterboxspeaking,andyoucanouttalkit.“I’mdoingitallperfectly!”isawonderfulaffirmationwhentheChatterboxtriestotellyouyou’vegoofed.

Ican’tstressenoughthatpositivethinkingneedsdailypractice.I’vebeenpracticingitforyears,andstillspendsometimeeachdayfocusingontheeliminationofnegativityfrommythinking.IfIstopcompletely,asIhaveonoccasion,Iknowmygoodfeelingswillslowlydiminish.Thankgoodnessitiseasytogetintotheswingofitagainsimplybyfollowingtheprogram.Ialwaysaskmyselfthen,“WhydoIstopdoingsomethingthatmakesmefeelsogood?”

Onemoreimportantthoughtaboutpositivethinking:Itisimportantthatyoudon’tuseitasanexcusefordenial.Webegintofeelsogoodfeelingthepowerofpositivethoughtsthatitistemptingtostifleanysadnessandpainthatexists,notonlyinourownlives,butintheworldaswell.

Yes,thereispaininourownlives.Weallexperiencelossanddisappointment.Nooneisimmune.Andrealpositivethinkingallowsthetearstoflow,alwaysknowingwewillgettotheothersideofthepainandliveabeautifulandproductivelife.Yes,thereispainintheworld...andrealpositivethinkingallowsthetearstoflowfortheworldaswell.Starvationexists.Racismexists.Warexists.Environmentalproblemsexist.Andonitgoes.Letthetearsflow,andthengetinvolved!Approachyourinvolvementwiththepositivesensethatsomethingcanbedone,eveniftheanswerisnotreadilyseen.Denialcreatesin-activity...andsodoeshopelessness.

Nooneisimmunetopain,anditshouldn’tbedeniedwhenitexists.Thekeyistoknowthatyoucanleadaproductiveandmeaningfullifenomatterwhattheexternalcircumstancesare.Whatpositivethinkingdoesisofferapowerboosttohelpyouhandlewhateverlifegivesyou.Your“badbreaks”donotdominateyourlife;yourindomitablestrengthdoes.Andwhenyoufeelthatindomitablestrength,youreallycanhandleanyofyourfearsfromapositionofpower—thekindofpowerthatreallycanmakegoodthingshappen.

1. Pollyannaisadelightfulstoryaboutayounggirlwhomadeagameoffinding“somethingtobegladabout”inanythingnegativethatcameintoherlife.Overtheyearsthiskindof“Pollyanna”thinkinghasbeenmalignedasbeingnaiveandunrealistic.Back

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T hegloomandthefogarebeginningtolift.Lifeisappearingfarmoremanageablenowthatyouhaveadoptedyour“Pollyanna”attitude.Asyoubegintoputyournewfoundpositivenessintoactionandmakesomelonged-forchanges,yousuddenlyfindthatsomethingisamisswiththepeopleinyourlife.Bothinsideandoutsideyourhome,youbegintorealizethatsomeofthe

significantpeopleinyourlifedon’tseemtolikethechangesinyou—eveniftheoldyouwasatotalwreck!Whatishappening?

Whatishappeningisthatothershavebecomeaccustomedtointeractingwithyouinacertainway,andwhenthatpatternofinteractionisbroken,thereisusuallyupsetofvaryingdegrees.Evenwhenyouunderstandit,thisupsetcanbeverydisturbing.Notonlyareyoufearfulofmovingforward,youarenowfearfuloflosingyourrelationships.Justwhenyouareinneedofacheeringsquad,youfindyourselffacedwithenemytroops!

BeforeIdiscusshowtodealwithfamilymemberswhoarehavingahardtimewithyourgrowing,takeagoodhardlookatthepeopleinyourlifegenerally.Dotheysupportyourgrowingordotheydragyoudown?Doyoufeelgoodbeingaroundthemordoyoufeel“contaminated”bytheirnegativity?Aretheyexcitedaboutthenewyouthatisemergingorwouldtheypreferthecompanyoftheoldyouthatyouareoutgrowing?Ifthelatterpartofallthreequestionsistrue,itistimetoconsidermakingsomechanges.

Keepinmindthatyourgoalistomoveyourselffrompaintopowerinthewayyouholdyourfear,andrememberthis:

ITISAMAZINGLYEMPOWERINGTOHAVETHESUPPORTOFASTRONG,MOTIVATED,

ANDINSPIRATIONALGROUPOFPEOPLE.

Ifyouarenowcringingwiththerealizationthatthepeopleinyourlifebelongintheweak,stuck,anddepressedcategory,don’tworry.Awarenessofthisfactisthekeytothesolution.Mostofusarenotawarethatwebelongtothemoan-andgroancrowduntilwestopmoaningandgroaning.Whenwebecomeaware,thingsautomaticallystarttotakecareofthemselves.

How?It’squitesimple.Asyoubegintogrow,youwillnoticethatyounolongerwanttobearounddepressingpeople.Negativityiscontagious,andyouwalkawayfeelinglousyafterspendingtimeinthecompanyofanegativeperson.Positivenessiscontagiousaswell,andspendingtimewithapositivepersonmakesyoufeelasthoughyoucansproutwingsandfly.Soonyou’llbecomediscerning.Energyistangible,andasyoubecomemoreaware,youwill“feel”ifapersonispositiveornegative...andyou’llbeautomaticallydrawntothemorepositive.Thepeopleinyourlifeareagoodindicatorofwhereyouareoperatingonanemotionallevel.Likeattractslike.Asyoubegintochange,youwillautomaticallydrawandbedrawntoadifferentkindofperson.

Whenthisisdiscussedinmyclasses,thequestionthatalwaysarisesis:“That’sallwellandgood,butwhatdoIdowiththeoldfriendsIhaveoutgrown?”Manyofmystudentshaveexpressedguiltatthethoughtofleavingoldfriendsbehind.Thisisunderstandable,buttotallyunwarranted.Inthefirstplace,theyareassumingthattheiroldfriendsarenotstrongenoughtocarryonwithoutthem.Thisisabitpresumptuousandmorethanabitbelittlingtotheirfriends.Icanguaranteethatasyouwithdrawfromtheirlives,theywillfindnewfriendswithwhomtoassociate.TheMoanandGroanSocietywillbearoundformanyyearstocome,andyourfriendswillalwaysfindawelcomehomethere.

Thereisanotherpossibility:yournewfoundenergymayawakenyourfriendstonewpossibilities,andtheymayjoinyouonyourjourneytowardpower,action,andlove.That,ofcourse,wouldbeideal.Itisimportanttorememberthat,evenwithyouroldfriendsascompany,youwillwanttoexpandyoursupportsystemsothatyouwillhaveallkindsof“advanced”rolemodelstoshowtheway.

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WhatkindofsupportsystemamItalkingabout?Thekindthatmakesyoufeelwonderfulaboutyourself.Sothatwhenyousayyouwanttogobacktoschool,orgetanewjob,orwhatever,yourfriendswillsay,“Ithinkthatisafantasticidea.You’lldobeautifully.Don’tworry...youhavewhatittakes!Goforit!”

ThisisthekindofsupportI’mtalkingabout,insteadof:“Aren’tyoutakingabigrisk?There’ssomuchcompetitionoutthere,you’llnevermakeit.Whydon’tyoujustleavethingsthewaytheyare?”Whenyouhearthatkindoftalk,it’stimetoruntheotherway.

Amongthenewfriendsyoumake,includethosewhoarefartheralongthejourneythanyouareatthemoment.AsMarilynFergusonstatesinheracclaimedbookTheAquarianConspiracy:

Ifwearetofindourwayacrosstroubledwaters,wearebetterservedbythecompanyofthosewhohavebuiltbridges,whohavemovedbeyonddespairandinertia.

Althoughitisagreatfeelingtobeabletoleadpeopletoabetterplace,itisalsoarelieftobeledbyotherswhocanshowyoutheway.Lifebecomesmorefunandlessofastrugglewhenyoudon’thavetopioneeronyourown.Thereisalightnessaboutpositivepeople.Theyhavelearnednottotakethemselvessoseriously,andtheyareajoytobearound.Thisisnottosaythatpositivethinkersare“flaky.”TheInsideEdge,thegroupImentionedinthelastchapter,notonlysupportspositivethinkingbutalsosupportspeopleinexpandingtheirownvisionintotheworldtocreateahealthierplanet.Whenweareconcernedwithsomethingbiggerthanourselves,ourfearsaregreatlydiminished.Wesenseourselvesasbeingpartofabiggerwhole—wearenotaloneandwe,perhapsforthefirsttime,areawareofasenseofpurpose.

Itisincrediblyimportanttoyourpeaceofmindandsenseofpowertohavesomekindofsupportgroup.Ican’tstressenoughhowimportantitistobeginnowtohavestrongpeopleinyourlife,intheformofanestablishedgrouporsimplyagroupoffriendswhoareconsciouslyintheprocessofgrowing.Again,don’tworryaboutyournegativefriends.Itismorethanlikelythatassoonasyoustopagreeingwiththeirvictimact,theywilleitherdisappearorjoinyouonthepathtopowerandlove.

Howdoyoubegin?Thinkaboutpeopleyouhaverecentlymetandreallyadmire.Dosomesleuthingtofindouttheirtelephonenumbers.Callthemupandtellthemsimplythatyouwereimpressedatthefirstmeetingandthatyouwouldliketogettoknowthembetter.Theninvitethemtojoinyouforlunchordinner.Iknowthiscanbeveryfrighteningatfirst.ThefirsttimeIdidit,manyyearsago,myhandactuallyshookasIdialedthephone.

Muchtomysurprise,thewomanIhadchosenformyfirstnewfriendwasthrilledthatIhadcalled.Atthattimemyself-esteemwassolow,Iimaginedshewoulddoeverythingtoavoidme.Onthecontrary,shetoldmeshewasreallyexcitedIhadcalled.“Youare?”wasmyinsecureresponse.Wehadadelightfuleveningtogether,andcontinuetobegoodfriendstoday.Initiatingrelationshipsbecameeasierformeastimewenton,andtodayI’mblessedwithacircleoffantasticfriends.

Thepointisthatyoumustmaketheeffort.Somanypeoplesitathomewaitingforthephonetoringandwonderingwhytheyarealwaysalone.Nothingisgoingtocometoyou—especiallyinthebeginning.Youhavetogooutandcreatethekindofsupportsystemyouwant.Evenifitseemsfrightening,doitanyway!Evenifyougetafewrejections,keepdialing.Ifyougetonegoodresponseoutoften,that’sgreat.Rememberthatpeopleareflatteredbyyourinterest,eveniffortheirownreasonstheyrejectyourinvitation.Youwillhavemadethemfeelgoodsimplybycalling.Bediscriminatinginwhoyoucall.Picksomeoneyouperceiveasbeingafewstepsaheadofyouinpersonalgrowth.Itwillbegreatforyourself-confidencewhenyoueventuallyfindoutthatyou’rewayaheadoftheminmanyareas.Wedotendtogreatlyunderestimateourselves.

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Agoodplacetofindsuchpeopleisatself-improvementclasses,workshops,orseminars.Thereyouwillmeetpeoplealreadyonthepathofpersonalgrowth.Youwillhavemuchincommon,andthelikelihoodisthatyouwillfindmoreopennesswithsuchpeople.

Nowthatyou’vegotyourfriendsinorder,yournextquestionmightbe:“WhatdoIdowhenmymateistheonewhoisdraggingmedown?”

Thisisanimportantquestion.Itisoftenourmatewhoresistsourgrowthmostofall.Althoughweareoftenshockedanddisappointedathisorherlackofsupport,itisn’treallysosurprising.Ourmatesoftenperceivethattheyhavemuchtolosewhenwebeginrockingtheboat.Itmighttakeawhileforthemtorealizetheyhavemoretogainbyourgrowth.Thefollowingtwostoriesareextremeexamplesofhowdifficultitisforamatetoacceptchange—evenifthatchangeisfromsicknesstohealth.

DorisDoriswasoneofmyearlieststudents.ShelivedinGardenCity,LongIsland,andforeighteenyears

hadbeentoofrightenedtoventureanyfarther.Infact,duringthefewyearspriortoherattendingmyclass,shehadhardlyleftherhome.Shewas,asyoumighthaveguessed,anagoraphobic.Myteachingisgearedtowardeverydayfears,asopposedtophobias.Yetsomethingdrewhertomycourse.

Inorderforhertogetthere,herhusband,Ted,hadtodriveherintoNewYork,takeheruptotheclassroomandwaitforherdownstairs.Shewastoofrightenedtobeonherown.Whenitwasherturntospeakinthego-around,Icouldseetheanguishonherface.Shewaspanickedthatshewasgoingtohaveapanicattack.

Iusedthetechniquecalled“paradoxicalintention”onDoris,which,simplystated,wastoencouragehertodotheverythingshefeared.Whatweresist,persists.SoItoldhernottoresistandtoshowuswhatapanicattacklookedlike.Aspredicted,shecouldn’tmusteroneupnomatterhowhardshetried,andultimatelyshebegantolaugh,asdidtherestofus.Fromthatmoment,shewasonherwaybacktohealth.Shewasdiligentaboutdoingallthehomeworkassignments,andwithinashorttimeshewasdriving,shopping,andeventakingthesubway.TheclassandIwatchedhertransformbeforeoureyes.

Onedayshecameintoclassabitdisturbed.Shesaid,“AsIbegintofeelbetterandbetter,I’mrealizingthatmyhusbandistryingtosabotageme.EverytimeIleavethehouse,hetriestoputallkindsoffearthoughtsintomyhead.WhenIcomehomeexcitedaboutsomenewthingI’veconquered,hewithdrawsandbecomesveryaloof.I’msoangryathim!Idon’tunderstandwhatishappening!Whywouldhedothattome?”

Toallofuswhohavedramaticallychangedourpatternsofrelatingtopeopleinourlives,theanswerwasobvious.Tedwasdoingitforanumberofreasons.Inthefirstplace,hewasthreatenedbyherchanges.Beforeshetookthepathtorecovery,hehadawifewhowasalwayswaitingforhimathome.Heneverhadtoconcernhimselfwithsuspicionsofwhatshemightbedoingintheoutsideworld.Therewasatremendoussecurityinthat,eventhoughtheirlifewassolimitedasaresultofherphobias.

Second,therewasprobablyactualworryconnectedwithhisbehavior.Foryears,shewasalittlebirdinacage.Itwasdoubtfulthatanyharmwouldcometoherintheconfinesoftheirhome,butnowthatshewasoutintheworld,travelingthestreetsofNewYork,hewasundoubtedlyafraidthatsomeharmwouldcometoher.Asweworryaboutourchildrencrossingthestreetaloneforthefirsttime,heworriedabouthis“child,”whoinmanywayswascrossingthestreetforthefirsttime.

Last,herindependencewasworryinghim.Forsomanyyearsshehaddesperatelyneededhimtofunctionforher.Nowshewasfunctioningonherown.Wouldshecontinuetowanthimiftheneedwasnolongerthere?

WiththesethoughtsgoingthroughTed’shead,nowonderhefounditdifficulttosupportDorisinhergrowth.Aswetalkedaboutwhathemightbefeeling,shebegantorealizethatitwashewhoneeded

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supportfromher.Sheadmittedthatherangermadeithardforhertogivehimanysupport.Assheputit,“Howdoyoureassuresomeoneyoufeellikepunchingintheface!”

Ittookawhile,but,happilyforDorisandTed,theywereabletoworkthroughthechangesthathadtotakeplaceinorderforthemarriagetoworkonahealthierbasis.WhathelpedwasthefactthatDoriswassurethatshewouldnevergobacktobeingthepathetic“shut-in”sheusedtobe.Ifitcostherherhusband,sobeit!Shefeltentitledtohealthafterallthoseyearsofsuffering.Itwas,therefore,cleartoTedthathismanipulationswouldnotwork.Eitherheadjustedorhewouldlosehiswife.HisegowasstrongenoughtoovercomehisfeelingofthreatandultimatelyhebecameatremendoussupporttoDoris.

RonaThestoryofRonaandBillissimilar.Ronaisnowabeautifulwomanwholookslikeshestepped

outofafashionmagazine.Threeyearsago,sheweighed250pounds.Herdoctorwarnedherthatifshedidnotloseweight,herhealthwouldbeseriouslyimpaired.Withincrediblewill,shelosttheweightandhasmaintainedherslenderfigure.Withtheweightloss,anewwomanhasemerged.

AswithDoris,Rona’srelationshipwithherhusbandwentthroughmanychangesbeforehecouldacceptthefactthathehadabeautifulwifewhoattractedtheattentionofmenwherevershewent.Subtly,hetriedtounderminehisbeautifulnewwifebyaccusingherofflirting,denyinghersex,buyingherfatteningfood,andusingothersuchdevices.

Billisbasicallyakindman,sohewasshockedwhenherealizedthathefeltthreatenedbythefactthathiswifewasbecominghealthier.WhenhesawhowdestructivehisinsecuritywastohimselfandtoRona,hewentforprofessionalhelp.Themarriageisnowthriving.

NotallrelationshipsareashealthyasthoseofDorisandRona,andchangeintheunwrittencontractofthepartnershipcansignaltheendoftherelationship.Althoughthethoughtthatyourrelationshipcouldbreakdownmaybeveryfrightening,inactualityIknowofnoonewhohaschosenthepathofgrowthoverhisorherrelationshipwhohasregrettedthatchoice!

Herearetwoexamples:

RichardRichardhadusuallyplayeditsafe.Hewasanaccountantwhoreceivedabiweeklypaycheckthat

supportedhim,hiswife,andtheirtwochildren.Inhislatethirties,hedecidedthattherehadtobemoretolifethanhewasexperiencing.Oneofthecompaniesforwhichhehaddoneagreatdealofworkwasavailableforpurchase.Itwasasmallcomputercompanythatshowedagreatdealofpromise.Whenhediscussedtheideaofraisingthecapitalandbuyingthecompany,hiswifecouldn’tdealwithit—herfinancialsecuritywasthreatened.Obviously,shehadnoconfidenceinhisabilitytomakeitwork.

Richarddecidedthatforhisownmentalhealth,hehadtogiveitatry.Hemightfail,butifhedidn’tgoaheadwithit,hewouldspendtherestofhislifedoingwhathedidn’twanttodo.Despitehiswife’sdisapproval,hemadethepurchasewhenhewasfinallyabletoraisethecapital.

Hishomesituationchangeddrasticallyduringtheprocess.Naturally,theinitialstagesofrunninganewbusinessrequireagreatdealoftime.Heexperiencednothingbutresentmentonthepartofhiswife.Hegotnosupportorencouragementfromher.Heaskedhertobecomeinvolvedwithhiminthecompany,sincetheirchildrenwerebothabletotakecareofthemselves.Sherefused.

Theirhomebecameabattleground,andwhenhefoundhimselfhappytoleaveinthemorningandunhappytocomehomeintheevening,hedecidedthatitwastimetoendtherelationship.Tothisday,hiswifestillconsidershimtobeselfishanduncaring,simplybecausehewouldn’tplaythegameaccordingtoherrules.

Richardultimatelygotadivorceandmadeamarveloussuccessofthebusiness.Hegrew,andhis

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wifewasnotabletogrowwithhim.Heshudderswhenhelooksbackatwherehewouldstillbehadhenottakentheopportunitythatpresenteditself.Hissenseofhimselfhasdramaticallyalteredforthebetter.Hefeltthefear...anddiditanyway,eventhoughitmeantthebreakupofhismarriage.Heisnowremarried,toawomanwhoencourageshisgrowthasheencourageshers.Theyaregrowingtogether.

SheilaSheilaalsochosegrowthoveranunhealthyrelationship.Shewasmarriedveryyoungandhadtwo

daughtersinthefirstfouryearsofhermarriage.Itdidnottakelongfordissatisfactiontosetin,and,withthesupportofherhusband,Roger,shewentbacktoschooltocompletehereducation.Whileshewasinitiallyafraidthatshehadlostherabilitytolearnafteranabsenceoffiveyears,shewasthestarinherclassandgraduatedmagnacumlaude.Thissuccessencouragedhertogethermaster’sdegreeandultimatelyherdoctorate.

Aslongasshewasastudent,thingsseemedtogowellwithRoger.Hewasproudofhis“littlestudent”andhereallywasamarveloushelpwiththechildren.Whenshefinallyhungherdoctoraldiplomaonthewall,aftermanyyears,herrelationshipwithherhusbandseemedtochange.Shewasnolongerhislittlestudent.Shewasafull-fledgedprofessionalwithanadvanceddegree—moreadvancedthanhismaster’sdegree.Atthispointtheput-downsbegan,andthelackofcommunication,andhislatenessincominghomefromwork.Hebegananaffairwithanotherwoman,who,notsurprisingly,hadnevergonetocollege.

RogerwasnotabletohandleSheila’stremendousgrowthasahumanbeing,andsheendedtherelationship.Itwaspainfulinthebeginning—theyhadbeentogethertwelveyears—butshebegantoexperiencethejoyofdiscoveringherowncapabilities.Shehasneverregrettedherchoicetogobacktoschoolandcreateathrivingcareer.

Herdaughters,upsetinthebeginning,arenowveryproudofherenormoussuccess.Sheservesasanexcellentrolemodelforthem.Sheisnowmarriedtoamanwhoabsolutelyadoresthefactsheis“outthere”doingsowell.Heralivenessbrightenstheirlife,andhelovesherforbeingsuchaninterestingperson.Heobviouslydoesnotfeelthreatenedbyhercontinuinggrowth.

Iknowyourrelationshipwithyourmateisnotsomethingtobetakenlightly,anditoftentakesatremendousamountofcouragetoriskrockingtheboat.Itisalwaysarisk,butoneIbelievetobeworthtaking.Whenyouchoosetoremain“stuck”simplybecauseyoudon’twanttoupsetyourmate,youbecomeresentfulofthefactthatyouhavenothadyourchancetogrow.Ultimately,therelationshipbecomesverystrained,anditisnotunusualforitsbreakdowntooccuranyway.

Mysuggestionis:

BELIEVETHATYOURMATEWANTSWHATISBESTFORYOUANDTHATHEORSHEWILLULTIMATELYLOVE

THEPOSITIVECHANGESINYOU.

Mostprobably,yourmatewillberelievedbyyournewfoundpower—ittakessomeoftheresponsibilityoffhimorher.Mostofuswouldliketoknowthatthepeopleinourlivesarestrongandhealthyandloving,insteadofneedy,weak,andhelpless.Considerthis:Ifyourmateturnsouttobesomeonewhoreallyprefersyoutobeneedy,weak,andhelpless,doyoureallywanttobethere?

Notonlymateshaveadifficulttimewhenwebecomealivewithpossibility.Otherfamilymembersdo,too.Childrenmaybecomepouty,andparentsmaybecomejudgmental.They,too,mayhavebecome

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accustomedtorelatingtousinacertainway,andresistourchanging.Themastersofmanipulationarechildren,andbelievemewhenItellyoutheywilloftenpreyupon

ourtendencytofeelguilty.Parentshavetheirownstyle.Usuallytheirput-downsaresubtleand“sweet,”suchas,“Darling,areyousureyoucandoit?You’veneverbeenmuchgoodatdoingthingsonyourown,youknow?”or“Darling,you’dbetterrethinkgettingadivorce.Nobodywantsawomanoverthirty,especiallywithtwokids”or“You’reactingsoselfishlately,Ihardlyrecognizeyou.”

Veryoftenparentsdon’trealizethattheyareunderminingtheirchildren’sconfidenceinthemselves,andwhenthisispointedouttothem,theystopthecriticism.Ioncetoldmymotherthatsheobviouslyhadnoconfidenceinme,becausesheworriedaboutmeallthetime.Shesaidthatwasridiculous,shethoughtIwasthesmartest,mostcompetentwomansheknew.Ipointedoutthatifthatwasthecase,herworrywasunjustified.Shelookedsurprised,andforthefirsttimerealizedthatthewayshehabituallyspoketomewasacarryoverfromwhenIwastwo,andwasnotbasedontoday’sreality.Fromthisconversationamiraclehappened:Shebecameoneofmybiggestconfidencebuilders.“Youcandoit.Youcandoanythingyousetyourmindtodo!”Yes,that’sreallythewayshebeganspeakingtome.

Somemaybeblessedwithafamilythatissupportiveofanythingtheydo,butthisisnotalwaysthecase.Oftenagreatdealofpossessivenessisfeltbyfamilymembers,andwiththatcomesatremendousamountofmanipulation.Itisimportantthatwelearntechniquestocreateawin-winsituationforallpartiesconcerned.Thisiseasiersaidthandone.Behaviorchangeisdifficultenoughwithouthavingtodealwiththe“crazy”behaviorofthepeopleclosesttous.

Again,Ispeakfromexperience.WhenIwentbacktocollege,itseemedthateveryonewasupset—mymother,mythen-husband,mychildren,andmyfriends.Mymothercouldn’tunderstandhowIcould“leave”mychildren;myhusbandresentedthefactthatIhadalifeapartfromhim;mychildrenlaidaguilttriponmewhenIwasn’ttheretoadministertotheireveryneed;andmyfriends,whowerethenallhousewivesandmothers,sidedwithalloftheabove!

Tosaythatthismademefeelinsecureaboutmydecisionwouldbeanunderstatement.Myreactionwastolashoutatanyonewhowasgivingmeanydifficulty.Itwasaperiodofgreatturmoil.Atthetime,Iwasnotmatureenoughtounderstandwhytheywereupsetandtoreactappropriately.Infact,myinappropriatenesswassupercharged.Iwasoftenreallyobnoxious.IwasactingoutwhatIhavesubsequentlycalledthePENDULUMSYNDROME,whichisillustratedonthefollowingpage.

Aswestriveforhealthyassertivenessinlife,weovershootthemarkinthebeginningandswingfromPassivitytoAggressionmanytimesbeforewesettleintoHealthy.Moreaccurately,thisswingcouldbecalledthePASSIVE-TO-OBNOXIOUS-TO-HEALTHYSYNDROME.

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Theobnoxiousstagecanberecognizedinthefollowingstatements,whicharerathermildversionsofwhatcameoutofmymouthwhenIwasinthethroesofthePendulumSyndrome:

“Howdareyou!”“Idon’tgiveadamnwhatyouthink.I’mdoingwhateverIplease!”“Idon’tneedyou.Ineverdid!”“You’recallingmeselfish?Whataboutyou?”

Althoughmostofusdon’tlikeourselveswhenwelashoutinsuchamanner,doingitsomehowfeelsbetterthanrevertingtothepassive“wimp”weusedtobe.Itisoftenanunderstandablepartoftheprocessofchange.Wearenotyetsureofourselves,andourreactionistodefendwithallourmight.

ThisswingtoAggressionoccursaswehangontoournewbehaviorfordearlife,afraidofrevertingtoPassivityonceagain.Yeteveryonceinawhilewegetscaredanddoswingbackagaintoasafeplace.Hence,thependulumswingsbackandforthaswelearnthenewlanguageofHealthyAssertiveness.WegofromPassivitytoAggressionmanytimesbeforewesettleintoanappropriaterange.Ultimately,wedobecomemorecomfortableinexpressingourneedsanddoingwhatwehavetodointhisworld,andwesettledownintheappropriaterange.Butinthebeginning,thisPendulumSyndromeisareality,anditcausesmuchconfusionanddiscomfort,notonlyforus,butforeveryonearoundus.

Althoughourbehaviorisofteninappropriate,itisimportantnottopunishourselvesforit.Interestingly,weallowchildrentheleewaytheyneedtotestnewwaysofrelatingtotheworld,yetwearehardonourselveswhengoingthroughthesameprocess.Inreality,wegothroughfearfulnewbehavioralstagesthroughoutourentirelives,andaswedoweareconstantlyflounderingaround,until

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welearnhowtodoitright.Again,AWARENESSisthekey.Knowthatinalllikelihood,asyoustarttotakerisksandgrow,you

aregoingtogetresistancefrompeopleinyourlife.It’sagiven.Ifitisn’tyourmate,itwillbeyourparentsoryourchildrenoryourfriends.Whenyourocktheboat,someonewilltellyoutositdown.Youneednotfeelshocked,surprised,orself-righteous.Itistheirwayofdefendingtheirsecurity.Oftentheydon’tevenknowtheyaredoingit.Intheirminds,theseadmonitionsandobservationsseemtotallyjustifiedand“foryourowngood.”Whatisimportantisthatyouknowwhatishappening.

Itwillalsohelpifyouacknowledgeotherswhentheyaresupportingyou.Letthemfeelgoodwhentheyareactinginanurturingway.Sendthemalovingnoteexpressingyourappreciationorsomeflowersorballoonsorwhateverwillmakethemhappy.Thiswillreinforcethekindofreactionsfromthemthatyouareseekingandwillhelpyoufocusontheircontributionratherthantheirnegativity.

YourawarenessofthePendulumSyndromeshouldenableyoutobypasssomeoftheswingsandhandleput-downsmoreappropriately.Therearewin-winwaysofstoppingnegativefeedbackfromothers.Youcanlearntorespondtosignificantothersinawaythatdoesnotdemolishthem.Herearesomeexamples:

Mom:“You’llnevermakeitoutthereonyourown.”Lose-Lose:“Mindyourownbusiness.I’lldoasIplease!”Win-Win:“Thankyouforyourconcern,Mom,butIhavesomuchfaithinmyself,Iknowthat

whatevercomesup,I’llhandleit.I’dlikeyoutohavemorefaithinmetoo.Itwouldreallyhelpmealot.”

Thewin-winanswerisclear.Itstatesyourconfidenceinyourself(actasif,evenifyou’renotquitesureyouwillmakeitonyourown)andletsherknowwhatyouwouldlikefromher.

Husband:“Lookatyourself.You’vebecomesoselfishsinceyoustartedthatjob.Doyoureallylikeyourselfthatway?”

Lose-Lose:“Youcallmeselfish.Whodoyouthinkhasbeenpickingupafteryoualltheseyears?Nowit’smyturn.”

Win-Win:“IcanseewhyyouthinkI’mbeingselfish—I’mnotavailabletoyouasmuchasIusedtobe.Allthischangeisdifficultformeaswell,butIneedtodothisformyowngrowth.IfIdon’t,IknowIwillholdanawfullotofresentmenttowardmyselfandtowardyou.Ireallywouldliketohaveyoursupport.Iknowyou’refeelingalittleneglectedrightnow,andit’sonlynatural.IwantyoutoknowthatIloveyouverymuch.Whatcanwedotoimprovethesituation?”

Children:“Youdon’tcareaboutusanymore.”Lose-Lose:“Youkidshaveabsolutelynoappreciation.I’vebeenyourslaveeversinceyouwere

born.NowIdosomethingformyself,andyou’recomplaining!”Win-Win:“IknowitfeelsdifferentbecauseI’mnotaroundallthetime.ButIreallytrustthat

youguyswillfindawaytobewithoutmeforthesefewhours.Parentsarepeopletoo.Andit’simportantformypeaceofmindtobeabletowork.”

Thedialoguewillnotalwaysendthere,butthatisthetenorofawin-wininteraction.Anexcellentbookonthesubjectofnonaggressiveself-defenseisAikidoinEverydayLifebyTerryDobsonandVictorMiller.Theirpremiseisthat“thebestvictoryistheoneinwhicheveryonewins.”Itdescribesagentlewaytowinandgivesmanysampledialoguesandreasonswhytheywork.

Isuggestyoualsolearnsomecenteringtechniques,sothatwhenyoufeelyourselfswingovertooneextremeortheotheryoucanbringyourselfbacktoaplaceofbalanceandharmony.Alsorelaxation

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audios,meditation,andpositiveaffirmationsasdescribedinthelastchapterareafewwaystogetyourselftoamorepeacefulplace.Laterchapterswilloffermoretoolstogainself-control,soyoucanhavewhatyouwantwithouthurtingsomeoneelseintheprocess.

Itwillgreatlyhelpyourunderstandingtoknowthatoneofthereasonswereactsohostilelywhenothersdon’tsupportusisourneedforapproval.Wheneverwegetupsetatthecommentsoflovedones,itisacluewearestillactinglikeachild.Guiltisanotherclue.Guiltandhostilityoftenmaskourangeratourselvesandothersforournotbeingabletobreakunhealthytieswithlovedones.Thelashing-outpartofthePendulumSyndromecomesfromthisunhealthyattachment.

Asyoubecomeclearerandmoreadultaboutwhatyouneedtodoinordertogrow,lovedoneswillbeabletosayanythingtheypleaseandyouwon’tbeaffected.Youcansimplygivethemabigkissandsay,“IloveyoubutIhavetolivemyownlife.”Endofstory.Nomoansandgroans.Nohysteriaabouthowbadlytheyarealltreatingyou.Inasense,yourneedtopleaseshowsyouwhatyouhavetoworkon—andthatis:lettinggoemotionallyoftheroleofchildandsteppingintotheroleofadult.Asdifficultasitis,cuttingchildlikerelationshipswithothersandsubstitutingmoreresponsibleonesallowsyoutoactmuchmorelovinglytowardotherpeopleinyourlife.Itisaparadox.Thelessyouneedsomeone’sapproval,themoreyouareabletolovethem.

Lookatpeopleinyourlifeas“practice.”Thewayyoureacttothemallowsyoutoseewhatyouhavetoworkonwithinyourself.Throughthemyoucanpracticelettinggoofinappropriatereactionsanddevelopingmoreresponsiblewaysofbehaving.So,insteadofwantingtothrottleyourlovedoneswhentheygiveyouahardtime,itisbettertolookatthemasmirrorsofwhatyoustillneedtoworkonintermsofyourpersonalgrowth.

Ifyoucannotreasonwithlovedonesabouttheirdestructivebehaviortowardyou,itisbesttocreatesomedistanceuntilyoulearntooperateonamoreadultlevel.Thefatherofoneofmystudents,Charlotte,actuallyusedtotellherpoint-blankthat,withoutadoubt,shewasincompetent.Nobeatingaroundthebushonhispart!Eventually,shewasabletosaytohim,“Youknow,Dad,Iloveyouverymuch,anduntilyoustartrespectingwhoIam,Iamgoingtostayawayfromyou.RightnowIneedpeopletosupportmeandloveme,andthat’snotwhatIfeelcomingfromyou.”Shestayedawayfromhim,makingonlyperfunctoryholidaycalls,untilshefeltenoughinnerstrengthtohandlehisput-downs.Thiswasnoteasy.Sayinggood-byetotheoldrelationshipwithaparentusuallyrequiresthatwegothroughgriefuntiltheolddoorisclosedandthenewoneisopened.Weare,ineffect,grievingfortheendofanera.Theemergingera,however,bringsmuchmoresatisfactionwithit.MuchtoCharlotte’ssurprise,whenshefinallyreconnectedwithherfather,theput-downsstopped.

Inalllikelihood,priortohernewfoundgrowth,shedidpresenttoherfatherafull-blownpictureofincompetence.Whenthatchanged,sodidhisreactiontoher.Usuallyinnerstrengthisrespected—wegetbackwhatweputout.

Themostimportantthingisforyoutobeyourownbestfriend.Whateveryouaredoing—don’tputyourselfdown.Slowlybegintodiscoverwhich,foryou,isthepathoftheheart.Whichpathinlifewillmakeyougrow?Thatisthepathtotake.Youmightbesurprisedwhenyourlovedonesultimatelycometounderstandandrespectthat.Ifnot,yournewstrengthwillallowyoutobreakunhealthytiesandestablishnew,healthierones.

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O neofthebiggestfearsthatkeepsusfrommovingaheadwithourlivesisourdifficultyinmakingdecisions.Asoneofmystudentslamented,“SometimesIfeelliketheproverbialdonkeybetweentwobalesofhay—unabletodecidewhichoneIwant,and,inthemeantime,starvingtodeath.”Theirony,ofcourse,isthatbynotchoosing,wearechoosing—tostarve.

Wearechoosingtodepriveourselvesofwhatmakeslifeadeliciousfeast.Theproblemisthatwehavebeentaught“Becareful!Youmightmakethewrongdecision!”A

wrongdecision!Justthesoundofthatcanbringterrortoourhearts.Weareafraidthatthewrongdecisionwilldepriveusofsomething—money,friends,lovers,status,orwhatevertherightdecisionissupposedtobringus.

Closelytiedtothisisourpanicovermakingmistakes.Forsomereasonwefeelweshouldbeperfect,andforgetthatwelearnthroughourmistakes.Ourneedtobeperfectandourneedtocontroltheoutcomeofeventsworktogethertokeepuspetrifiedwhenwethinkaboutmakingachangeorattemptinganewchallenge.

Iftheabovedescribesyou,Iamgoingtodemonstratethatyouareworryingneedlessly.Therereallyisnothingtolose,onlysomethingtogain,whateverthechoicesyoumakeoractionsyoutakeinlife.AsIstatedearlier,allyouhavetodotochangeyourworldischangethewayyouthinkaboutit.Thisconceptworksbeautifullyhere.Youcanactuallyshiftyourthinkinginsuchawayastomakeawrongdecisionormistakeanimpossibility.Let’sbeginwithdecisionmaking.

SupposeyouareataChoicePointinlife.Ifyouarelikemostofus,youhavebeentaughttousetheNo-WinModelasyouthinkaboutthedecisiontobemade.Themodellookslikethis:

Yourheartfeelsheavyaboutthechoiceyouhavetomake.Youfeelsomewhatparalyzedasyouthinkabouttheconsequencesinlife-and-deathterms.Youstandatthethresholdofthedecision,lamentingandobsessing:“ShouldIdothisorshouldIdothat?WhatifIgothiswayandthathappens?Whatifitdoesn’tworkoutthewayIplan?Whatif...”The“whatif”sareoutinfullforce.TheinternalChatterboxisatitagain.Youlookattheunknownandtrytopredictthefuture;youtrytotakecontrolofoutsideforces.Bothareimpossible.Atthispointyoumightnoticethatyouaredrivingyourselfcrazy.

Afterthedecisionismade,theNo-WinModelmakesyouconstantlyreassessthesituation,hopingyoudidn’tmakeamistake.Youkeeplookingbackandberatingyourselfwith“IfonlyIhad...”Youwastevaluableenergy,andyoualsomakeyourselfmiserable.

Yougainreliefiftheoutcomeisasyouhopeditwouldbe—butonlytemporarily.Asyoubreatheasighofrelief,youarealreadyworryingthatthesituationmightreverseitselfandthatitmightultimatelyprovetobethewrongdecision.Furthermore,youarealreadyfearfulaboutthenextdecisionyouhavetomake,becauseyouwillhavetogothroughthewholeagonizingprocessonceagain.Lookfamiliar?Crazy,isn’tit!Clearly,thisisano-winsituation.Butthereisanotherway—theNo-LoseModel.

GobackandstandattheChoicePointagain.Thistime,thesituationlookslikethis:

Noticethatwhatliesaheadaresimplytwopaths—AandB—bothofwhichareright!Eachpathhasnothingbut“goodies”alongtheway.Youareclearlyfacingano-losesituation.Andwhatarethesegoodies?Theyareopportunitiestoexperiencelifeinanewway,tolearnandgrow,tofindoutwhoyouareandwhoyouwouldreallyliketobeandwhatyouwouldliketodointhislife.Eachpathisstrewnwithopportunities—despitetheoutcome.“What?Despitetheoutcome?”Uptothispointyoumayhavebeenwillingtogoalongwithme,butthosethreewordsaremakingyoualittledubious,ifnotdownrightresistant.“Whatif...”comesupagaininyourthinking.Letmeansweryour“whatif”s

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withanexample.Imagineyouarefacedwiththechoiceofstayingwithyourpresentjobortakinganewonethathas

openedupforyou.IfyoustandattheNo-WinChoicePoint,yourChatterboxtakesoverandcrazinessbegins:

“IfIstayhereImightbemissingaverygoodchancetomoveahead.ButifIgo,maybeIwon’tbeabletohandlemynewresponsibilities.WhatifIgetfiredonthenewjob,andthenIhavenothing?Ireallylikeithere.I’llhavemoreopportunitytomoveaheadonthenewjob.Maybethey’llpromotemeandI’llbemakingmoremoney.ButwhatifIregretleaving?Whatif...?Oh,Idon’tknowwhattodo!IcouldruinmywholelifeifImakethewrongdecision!”

IfyoustandattheNo-LoseChoicePoint,your“fearless”selftakesover:

“Isn’titfantastic!I’vebeenofferedanewjob.IfItakeit,I’llhaveanopportunitytomeetnewpeople,tolearnnewwaysofdoingthings,toexperienceanentirelydifferentworkatmosphereandtobroadenmybaseofexperience.Ifsomethinghappensanditdoesn’tworkout,IknowI’llhandleit.Eventhoughthejobmarketisdifficultrightnow,IknowsomehowI’llfindanotherjobifIneedone.Eventhatwillbeaninterestingexperience,sinceI’lllearntodealwiththelossofajobandlearntosolvetheproblemsthatmightcomeupifIamunemployed.IfIstay,IhaveanopportunitytodeepenthecontactsIhavemadehere.Ireallyfeelbetteraboutmyselfhavingbeenofferedtheotherjob,soifIstay,perhapsI’llaskforapromotion.Ifforsomereasonitdoesn’tworkouthere,therewillbeotheropportunitiestopursue.It’sallanadventure,nomatterwhichwayIturn.”

Ireallydoknowpeoplewhothinkthisway—andtheirapproachtolifeisajoytobearound.Theytrulyliveinano-loseworld.

Alexisaperfectexample.NowapracticingpsychologistinLosAngeles,heoriginallyintendedtofollowinhisfather’sfootstepsandbecomealawyer.Hiscollegegradeswereexcellent,andhehadnotroublegettingintowhatwasconsideredafinelawschool.Hestudiedhardanddidverywellthefirsttwoyears.Butthetimespentawayfromhomebeganmakingadifferenceinhispersonalpriorities.Hecametorealizethathedidn’twanttospendtherestofhislifeinthe“combatzone,”ashecalledit,thatbeingalawyerrequired.Hewantedtohelppeopleinadifferentway,andhedecidedthatclinicalpsychologywasmuchmoreinlinewithhispersonality.Healsorealizedthatpartofhisdecisiontobealawyerwashisdesiretopleasehisfather.Butnowhewasmuchmoreintouchwiththepersoninsidehimself,andhemadethedecisiontoleavelawschoolandpursueacareerinpsychology.Hisfathergavehimhisblessingbutrefusedtopayanymoreofhiscollegeexpenses,thusincreasingthedifficultyofthedecision.ButAlextrustedhisgutandwithdrewfromasituationthatdidnotsuithisneeds.

Some,includinghisfather,sawthosetwoyearsatlawschoolasawasteoftime,butAlexneversawitthatway.Bytryingitout,hediscoveredthatbeingalawyerwasnotforhim.Findingoutwhatyoudon’tlikeis,paradoxically,asvaluableasfindingoutwhatyoudolike.Also,whileatlawschoolhemadeanumberofgoodfriends,whoremainhisfriendstoday.Andtheinformationhegatheredfromthosefirsttwoyearshashelpedhiminmanypersonalandprofessionalsituationssince.

ForAlex,thegoodiesdidn’tendthere.Sincehisfatherhadstoppedpayinghisexpenses,hehadtoworkfortwoyearstoobtainenoughmoneytogetstartedonhisdegreeinpsychology.Werethosetwoyearswasted?Notatall.Hisjobwithaconstructioncompanywasdoublyenriching:hewasexposedtoadifferentwayoflife,and,throughoneofhisco-workers,hemetthewomanwhobecamehiswife.Finally,withafellowshipandhistwopart-timejobs,Alexwasabletocompletehisdoctorate.

ThissetofeventswasinvaluableintermsofteachingAlextotakeresponsibilityforhisownlife.

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Perhapsneitherhenorhisfatherrealizeditatthetime,buthisfatherreallydidhimafavorbymakinghimstandonhisowntwofeet.Alexlearnedthatifyouwantsomethingbadlyenough,thereisawaytogetit.Andiftherewasaway,hewouldfindit.Heknewthatifhehadn’tbeenabletoobtainafellowship,hewouldhavefoundanotherway.Asaresult,heapproachedfuturedecisionswithafeelingofpower,energy,andexcitement.Rememberthatunderlyingallourfearsisalackoftrustinourselves.EachstepthatAlextook,despitetheoutcome,evenwhenitmeantlossoffinancialsupportanddelayinhiseducation,wasanopportunityforhimtolearntotrusthimselftoprovideforhisownneeds.

It’sinterestingtomethatwhenIpresenttheNo-LoseModeltomystudents,theresistanceisinitiallyveryhigh.“Oh,comeon,you’renotbeingrealistic.”AsIsaidearlier,wehavebeentaughttobelievethatnegativeequalsrealisticandpositiveequalsunrealistic.WhenIchallengemystudents,theycan’tfindmorecredenceintheNo-WinModelthanintheNo-LoseModel,yetthelattercanmoveusfromapositionofpaintooneofpower,whichisultimatelyourgoalaswelearntodealwithfear.Anotherpointtoconsideristhatitfeelsbettertocomefromano-loseposition.Whycontinuetoresistcomingfromano-loseposition?Whycontinuetofeelpain,paralysis,anddepression?Yetwecontinuetodoituntilweincorporateintoourbeinganotherwayofseeingtheworld.Thenwecanslowlybegintochangetheno-winthinkingthathaskeptusvictimized.

AcriticalfactorinyouracceptingtheNo-LoseModelisthewayyouthinkaboutoutcomesandopportunities.Itmightbehardforyoutoacceptthefactthatlosingajobisano-losesituation.Traditionally,opportunitiesinlifearethoughtofasrelatingtomoney,status,andthevisiblesignsof“success.”I’maskingyoutothinkofopportunityinanentirelydifferentlight.Thepurposeofthisbookistohelpyouhandlefearinawaythatallowsyoutofulfillyourgoalsinlife.Everytimeyouencountersomethingthatforcesyouto“handleit,”yourself-esteemisraisedconsiderably.Youlearntotrustthatyouwillsurvive,nomatterwhathappens.Andinthiswayyourfearsarediminishedimmeasurably.

THEKNOWLEDGETHATYOUCANHANDLEANYTHINGTHATCOMESYOURWAY

ISTHEKEYTOALLOWINGYOURSELFTOTAKEHEALTHY,LIFE-AFFIRMINGRISKS.

Gettingbacktomyearlierexample,iftheoutcomeofyourchoosingtomovetoanewjobisforyoutolosethatjobwithinafewmonths,younowseehowyouwillhavetheopportunitytostrengthenyourself-esteembyfacingthestorm,regroupingyourinnerforces,reachingoutonceagaintofindanew,perhapsmoresatisfying,position.Inthemeantime,youwillbemeetingnewpeopleandenlargingyourworld.Seeninthislight,losingyourjobbecomesano-losesituation.

Ihaveoftensaidtomystudentsthatperhapsthe“lucky”onesinlifearethosewhohavebeenforcedtofacethingsintheirlivesthatweallhopewewillneverhavetoface—thingssuchaslosingajob,thedeathofalovedone,divorce,bankruptcy,illness.Onceyouhavehandledanyofthosethings,youemergeamuchstrongerperson.Iknowoffewpeoplewhohaveexperiencedlossandhaven’tfeltalargemeasureofprideinthemselvesatfindingawaytomaketheirlivesworkdespitetheiradversity.Theyhavediscoveredthatsecurityisnothavingthings;it’shandlingthings.Thus,whenyoucananswerallyour“whatif”swith“Icanhandleit,”youcanapproachallthingswithano-loseguarantee,andthefeardisappears.

Nowthatyou’velearnedthattherereallyarenorightorwrongdecisionswhenusingtheNo-LoseModel,therearestepsyoucantaketoheightenyourawarenessofthealternativesthatliebeforeyou.Thisawarenesswillbetterimprovethechancesoftheoutcomebeingalignedwithyourwishes,andwillgiveyougreaterpeaceofmind.Isuggestthatthefollowingstepsbetakenwhenyoufaceamajordecisionandafteryou’vemadeone.

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BeforeMakingaDecision

1.FocusimmediatelyontheNo-LoseModel.Affirmtoyourself,“Ican’tlose—regardlessoftheoutcomeofthedecisionImake.Theworldisaplaceforopportunity,andIlookforwardtotheopportunitiesforlearningandgrowingthateitherpathwaygivesme.”Pushoutthoughtsofwhatyoucanloseandallowonlythoughtsofwhatyoucangain.Usetheexercisesinthechapteronpositivethinking.

2.Doyourhomework.Thereismuchtolearnaboutthealternativesthatliebeforeyou.Itismosthelpfultotalktoasmanypeopleaswilllisten.Don’tbeafraidtoapproachprofessionalsrelativetothedecisiontobemade.Afewmightputyouoff,butmostwillbehappytohelp.Infact,theywillbeflatteredthatyoucametothemforadvice.

Lookforfeedbackfromothersourcesaswell.Talktopeopleatdinnerparties,inthebarbershoporbeautysalon,thedoctor’soffice,orwherever.Peopleyoumeetinunlikelyplacescancreateavaluableconnectionforyouinwaysyounevercouldhaveimagined,ortheymightgiveyouaninsightlearnedfromtheirpersonalexperiences.

Itisimportantthatyoutalktothe“right”people.Letmegiveyoumydefinitionoftherightpeople.Theyarethosewhosupportyourlearningandgrowing.Ifyoutalktopeoplewhoconstantlyputdownthepossibilitiesopentoyou,theyarethewrongpeopletotalkto.Politelysaythankyouandgoontosomeoneelse.

Onewonderfulteacherofminehelpedmegreatlywhenhetaughtmethephrase“Firsttime,shameonyou.Secondtime,shameonme.”Appliedtothissituation,ifyoudiscusssomethingwithpeoplewhoareinsensitivetoyourneeds,shameonthem.Ifyoucontinuetoallowyourselftobebatteredbytheirwords,shameonyou.Youdon’thavetocontinuehavingconversationsaboutyourdecisionwiththosewhomakeyoufeelbadaboutyourself.Youshouldtalktopeoplewhocansupportyouwithstatementslike“Ithinkit’sterrificyou’reconsidering...”or“Ithinkyou’lldobeautifullyat...”Yougetthepicture.Whyputyourselfinapositiontofeelmiserablewhenit’ssoeasytofeelgreat?

Also,don’thesitatetotalkaboutyourplansjustbecauseyouarefearfulthatiftheydon’tworkoutyou’lllooklikea“failure.”Swallowyourpride.Bynotinvestigatingasfullyasyoucan,youarecuttingoffvaluablesourcesofinformationthatmighthelpyouenormously.Remember:

“YOU’RENOTAFAILUREIFYOUDON’TMAKEIT;YOU’REASUCCESSBECAUSEYOUTRY.”

Oneofmystudentswasconcernedaboutbeingcalleda“talker”ratherthana“doer”ifshemadetoomanyfalsestarts.Thereisnosuchthingasafalsestartifyouareseriouslycommittedtoadvancement.Myfirstexperienceinthepublishingworldservesasagoodexample.

Yearsago,ImadethedecisiontopublishabookofpoemsIhadwritten.SinceIknewnothingaboutthepublishingworld,IstartedtalkingtoasmanypeopleasIcouldabouthowIshouldbestproceed.Itookacourseongettingpublished;Icalledstrangerswhoworkedinvariouspublishinghouses(andwassurprisedthattheyweremostwillingtohelp);Isubmittedmybooktoabouttwentypublishers,andreceivedonerejectionafteranother.ButIjustkepttalkingaboutmycareerasawriter.I’msuretherewerethosewhosaid,“Who’sshekidding?Itwillneverhappen.”Overlunchoneday,EllenCarr,abusinessassociateandnowadearfriend,andIdecidedtowriteandself-publishashortguidebookforwomenaboutgettingajob.Wewereconcernedaboutthenumberoftalentedwomenweknewwhosefearsofrejectionandfailurekeptthemfromeventryingtoenterthejobmarket.AgainIstartedtalkingaboutourprojecttoeveryoneIknew,andagainawholeseriesofdelaysoccurredthatmadesome

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peopledoubtthatthebookwouldeverbepublished.ButIjustkepttalking,asdidEllen,andwefoundourselvesmeetingallsortsofinterestingpeoplewhowereinvaluableinhelpinguswithourproject.Andthatjoyousdaydidarrivewhenourbookswerefinallydeliveredtous.

Itcouldbesaidthatthereweremanyfalsestartsinmywritingcareer.Notso!Eachstepalongthewaymadememoreandmorereadytoenterthefield,eventhoughtheoutcomemaynothavebeenintheformoriginallypictured.AndIcertainlylearnedhowtodealwithrejection!PuttingyourideasoutintotheworldbyconstantlytalkingaboutthemmaycreateafewdoubtingThomases,yetnotonlydoestalkingbringvaluableinformation,itclarifiesyourintentiontohaveithappen!Intentionisapowerfultoolincreatingsomethingyouwantinyourlife.

3.Establishyourpriorities.Thiswillrequiresomesoul-searching.Giveyourselftimereallytothinkaboutwhatyouwantoutoflife.Thisisaverydifficultthingtodiscoverformostofus,sincewearetrainedatanearlyagetodowhatotherpeoplewantustodo.Weareoutoftouchwiththosethingsthatreallybringussatisfaction.Tomakeiteasier,askyourselfwhichpathwayismoreinlinewithyouroverallgoalsinlife—atthepresenttime.

Itisimportanttorememberthatgoalsconstantlychangeasyougothroughlife,andyouhavetokeepreassessingthem.Thedecisionyoumaketodaymightnotbethedecisionyouwouldmakefiveyearsfromnow.Ifyouarehavingtroubleclarifyingyouroverallgoals,don’tworryaboutit.Itmaytakemanymoredecisionsandmuchmoreexperimentationwithdifferentsituationstodiscoverhowbesttoorderyourpriorities.Atleastyouarebeginningtopayattentiontowhoyouare.Allowyourselfconfusioninthesearchingprocess.Itisthroughconfusionthatyoufinallycometoclarity.

4.Trustyourimpulses.Althoughyoumighthavedifficultygettingtothe“personwithin”throughthesoul-searchingprocess,yourbodysometimesgivessomegoodcluesaboutwhichwaytogo.Evenafteryou’vedoneyourhomework,talkedtomanypeopleandcomeupwithalogicalchoice,itispossiblethatyourimpulseistellingyoutogowiththeotherchoice.Don’tbeafraidtotrustit.Veryoftenyoursubconsciousmindsendsknowingmessagesastowhichchoiceisbetterataparticulartime.Asyoustartpayingattentiontoyourimpulses,youwillbesurprisedatthegoodadviceyouaregivingyourself.

IwassurprisedwhenI“trustedmygut”andfoundanewcareer.Myintentionaftergettingmydoctorateinpsychologywastoultimatelysetupaprivatepractice.AfewmonthsafterIbegantreatingpatientsinamental-healthclinictheopportunityopenedformetohelpafriendwhohadbecomeexecutivedirectorofamarveloushealthfacilitycalled“TheFloatingHospital,NewYork’sShipofHealth.”1Myinstincttoldmetotakethejobeventhoughitdidn’tlogicallyfitintotheplansIhadmadeformyself.Somethingwithinmesaid,“Goforit.”

IwassurprisedwhenI“trustedmygut”andfoundanewcareer.Myintentionaftergettingmydoctorateinpsychologywastoultimatelysetupaprivatepractice.AfewmonthsafterIbegantreatingpatientsinamental-healthclinictheopportunityopenedformetohelpafriendwhohadbecomeexecutivedirectorofamarveloushealthfacilitycalled“TheFloatingHospital,NewYork’sShipofHealth.”*Myinstincttoldmetotakethejobeventhoughitdidn’tlogicallyfitintotheplansIhadmadeformyself.Somethingwithinmesaid,“Goforit.”

Withinmonths,myfriendresigned,andIwasmadeexecutivedirector.NowhereinmyplanwasitwrittenthatIwouldbecomeanadministrator.Previously,Ihadviewedmyselfasafollower,notaleader,andthewholeconceptofbeingatthehelmhadneverenteredmymind.SomehowmysubconsciousmindknewIcouldhandleitandpushedmetotakethejob.“WhatamIdoinghere?”IaskedmyselfasIwentthroughfearanduncertaintyinhandlingthetasksoftheposition.ButasIlearnedandgrewwiththejob,IrealizedIlovedadministrativeworkand,infact,becameverycapable

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inthatarea.Inaddition,theFloatingHospitalbroughtmerich,wonderful,crazy,hilarious,poignant,andexcitingexperiencesandchallengesthatIneverthoughtwouldbepossibleforme.Butmysubconsciousmindhadknown.Ithadoverriddenmyconscious,logicalmind,whichhadsaid,“Don’tdeviatefromyourplan”and“Youcan’thandlethisjob.”

Imustmakeitclear,followingtheconceptthatthereisnosuchthingasawrongdecision,thatifIhadchosentoremainatherapistinthemental-healthclinic,thatchoicealsowouldhavebroughtmerichopportunitiesforexperiencinglifeinanewanddifferentway.Therewasnorightorwrongdecision,justdifferentones.

5.Lightenup.Weliveinaworldwheremostpeopletakethemselvesandtheirdecisionsveryseriously.Ihavenewsforyou.Nothingisthatimportant.Honestly!Ifasaresultofadecisionyoumake,youlosesomemoney,noproblem—youlearntodealwithlosingmoney.Ifyoulosealover,noproblem—youfindanotherone.Ifyouchoosetodivorce,noproblem—youlearntohandlelivingonyourown.Ifyouchoosetomarry,noproblem—youlearntohandleanewkindofsharing.

Startthinkingaboutyourselfasalifetimestudentatalargeuniversity.Yourcurriculumisyourtotalrelationshipwiththeworldyoulivein,fromthemomentyou’reborntothemomentyoudie.Eachexperienceisavaluablelessontobelearned.IfyouchoosePathA,youwilllearnonesetoflessons.IfyouchoosePathB,youwilllearnadifferentsetoflessons.Geologyorgeometry—justadifferentteacheranddifferentbookstoread,differenthomeworktodo,differentexamstotake.Itreallydoesn’tmatter.IfyoutakePathA,yougettotastethestrawberries.IfyoutakePathB,yougettotastetheblueberries.Ifyouhatebothstrawberriesandblueberries,youcanfindanotherpath.Thetrickissimplytomakewhateverplaceyou’reinyoureducationalforumandlearneverythingyoucanaboutyourselfandtheworldaroundyou.So—lightenup!Whateverhappensasaresultofyourdecision,you’llhandleit!

AfterMakingaDecision

1.Throwawayyourpicture.Weallcreateexpectationsofwhatwewouldliketohappenafteradecisionismade.Thepictureinourmind’seyemighthaveservedavaluablefunctioninhelpingtomakeadecision.Butoncethedecisionismade,letthepicturego.Sinceyoucan’tcontrolthefuture,thepicturecancreateunhappinessifit’snotfulfilled.Disappointmentmaymakeyoumissthegoodthatcancomeoutofeverysituationinwhichyoufindyourself.Don’tforgettolookforthatsilverlining.Ifyouseetheoutcomeofadecisionaslookingacertainway,youwillincreasethelikelihoodofmissingotheropportunities.Yettheunexpectedopportunitiescancreatemoreofvaluethanyouroriginalpicture.Ifyouarefocusedon“thewayit’ssupposedtobe,”youmightmisstheopportunitytoenjoythewayitisortohaveitbewonderfulinatotallydifferentwayfromwhatyouimagined.

2.Accepttotalresponsibilityforyourdecisions.Thisisatoughone!Weallhaveatendencytolookaroundforsomeonetoblameifthingsarenotworkingouttoourliking.Ireallyhatedmystockbrokerwhenthestockherecommendedwentdowninsteadofup.Ittookgreatfortitudetoadmittomyself,“Imadethedecisiontobuy.Noonetwistedmyarm.”IlamenteduntilIcreatedan“opportunity”frommyill-fateddecision.WhatdidIlearn?Alot!IlearnedIhadtofindoutmoreaboutthestockmarket,insteadofrelyingtotallyonmystockbroker’sopinion.IlearnedthatIwasterriblyinsecureaboutmoney,andhadtoworkonthat.IlearnedIcouldlosemoneyinthestockmarketandyetlifewentonjustasitdidbefore.IlearnedthatifinthefutureIlostmoneyinthestockmarket,itwouldn’tbesuchabigdeal,andthatstockscangoupagain,asminedideightmonthslater.Whenlookedatinthatlight,itwasn’tabaddecisionafterall.Whenyoucanfindtheopportunityinanydecision,itismucheasierto

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accepttheresponsibilityformakingit.Whenyoutakeresponsibilityforyourdecisions,youbecomealotlessangryattheworld,and,most

important,alotlessangryatyourself!

3.Don’tprotect,correct.Itismostimportanttocommityourselftoanydecisionyoumakeandgiveitallyou’vegot.Butifitdoesn’tworkout,changeit!Manyofusaresoinvestedinmakingthe“right”decisionthatevenifwefindwedon’tlikethepathwehavechosen,wehangintherefordearlife.Tomywayofthinking,thisistheheightofcraziness.Thereistremendousvalueinlearningyoudon’tlikesomething.Thenitissimplyamatterofchangingyourpath.Yes,therearethosewhokeepflittingfromplacetoplace,using“changeit”asanexcusefornoncommitment.I’mnottalkingaboutthat,andyou’llknowthedifferencewithinyourself.Ifyou’vetrulycommittedyourselftosomething,giveniteverythingyou’vegot,andthenconcludedthatitisnotforyou—moveontosomethingelse.

Whenyoudecidetochangepaths,youwilloftenfacecriticismfromthosearoundyou.“Whatdoyoumeanyouwanttochangeyourcareer?You’veinvestedfiveyearsinbuildingupyourdentalpractice!Allthattimeandmoneydownthedrain!”Explainthatnoneofithasbeenawaste.Atonetimeitwastherightthingforyoutodo.Muchwaslearnedandmuchwasgainedinthewayofexperience.Itsimplydoesn’tfeelrightanymore—it’stimetochange.Iknowmanypeoplewhostaylockedinunsatisfactorysituationsthatnolongerworkforthembecausethey’veinvestedsomuchanditwouldbeashamenottocontinue.Howillogical!Whyinvestmore,ifit’snolongerpayingoff?Remember—thequalityofyourlifeisatstake!

InhisbookActualizations,StewartEmerypresentsanexcellentmodelforchangingyourdirectioninlife.HelearneditwhileseatedontheflightdeckofanairplaneonthewaytoHonolulu.Henoticedaconsole,whichwasidentifiedbythepilotastheinertialguidancesystem.ThepurposeofthesystemwastogettheplanewithinonethousandyardsoftherunwayinHawaiiwithinfiveminutesoftheestimatedarrivaltime.Eachtimetheplanestrayedoffcourse,thesystemcorrectedit.ThepilotexplainedthattheywouldarriveinHawaiiontimeinspiteof“havingbeeninerror90percentofthetime.”Emerytakesitfromthere,stating:“Sothepathfromheretowherewewanttobestartswithanerror,whichwecorrect,whichbecomesthenexterror,whichwecorrectandthatbecomesthenexterror,whichwecorrect.Sotheonlytimewearetrulyoncourseisthatmomentinthezigzagwhenweactuallycrossthetruepath.”Fromtheanalogy,weseethatthetrickinlifeisnottoworryaboutmakingawrongdecision;it’slearningwhentocorrect!Myconceptofthemodellookslikethis:

Therearemanyinnercluesthathelpyouknowwhenitistimetocorrect.Thetwomostobviousareconfusionanddissatisfaction.Ironically,theseareconsiderednegatives,insteadofpositives.Iknowitishardtoaccept,butanupsetinyourlifeisbeneficial,inthatittellsyouthatyouareoffcourseinsomewayandyouneedtofindyourwaybacktoyourparticularpathofclarityonceagain.Yourconfusion

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anddissatisfactionaretellingyouthatyou’reofftrack,and,asafriendoncesuggestedtome,“Ifyoudon’tchangeyourdirection,you’relikelytoendupwhereyou’reheading.”

Physicalpainiseasilyseenasbeneficial,eventhoughitcanbeveryuncomfortable.Itisanobvioussymptomthatsomethingiswrongwithyourbody.Apaininyourrightsidemightsaveyourlifebysignalinganappendicitisattack.Ifyoudon’tpayattentiontoit,youcoulddie.Mentalpainisjustasmucha“blessing,”becauseitistellingyouthatsomethingiswrongwiththewayyourlifeisgoing.Itisasignthatsomethingneedscorrection—whetheritisthewayyouthinkabouttheworldorwhatyouaredoingintheworld—orboth.Thepainissimplysaying,“Hey,that’snotit!”

Thewaytofigureouthowtogetbackoncourseisthroughtheexplorationprocess—reachingoutthroughself-helpbooks,workshops,friends,supportgroups,therapy,orwhateverseemsrightforyouwhenyoureachoutforhelp.Aslongasyouareopentoreachingout,helpwillbethere.Remember,“Whenthestudentisready,theteacherwillappear.”Youwillneverbereadyifyouarebusyprotectingthecourseyouhavechosenforyourself.Youwillbeperpetuallyoffcourseandneverreachyourdestination.Whenyouareconstantlyawareofthecluesthatsignal“timetocorrect,”youwillalwaysendupintherightspot—oratleastinthevicinity.

Asahandyreview,hereisasummaryofthestepsinthedecision-makingprocess.Byapplyingthese,you’llbreathealoteasierasyoumakechoicesthroughoutyourlifetime.

NO-LOSEDECISION-MAKINGPROCESS

BEFOREMAKINGADECISION1.FocusontheNo-LoseModel.2.Doyourhomework.3.Establishyourpriorities.4.Trustyourimpulses.5.Lightenup.

AFTERMAKINGADECISION1.Throwawayyourpicture.2.Accepttotalresponsibility.3.Don’tprotect,correct.

Ifyoudon’tthinktheabovemakesabsolutesense,letmesummarizethestepsweusuallytakewhenusingtheNo-WinModel:

NO-WINDECISION-MAKINGPROCESS

BEFOREMAKINGADECISION1.FocusontheNo-WinModel.2.Listentoyourminddriveyoucrazy.3.Paralyzeyourselfwithanxietyasyoutrytopredictthefuture.4.Don’ttrustyourimpulses—listentowhateveryoneelsethinks.5.Feeltheheavinessofhavingtomakeadecision.

AFTERMAKINGADECISION1.Createanxietybytryingtocontroltheoutcome.2.Blamesomeoneelseifitdoesn’tworkoutasyoupictured.3.Ifitdoesworkout,keepwonderingifitwouldhavebeenbettertheotherway.

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4.Don’tcorrectifthedecisionis“wrong”—youhavetoomuchinvested.

Doesthislastsummarysoundpainfully(andcomically)familiar?Yes,wecertainlydoknowhowtodriveourselvescrazy!

NowthatI’vedemonstratedtheNo-WinandNo-LoseModelsastheypertaintodecisionmaking,Itrustyoucanseehowitisimpossibletomakeamistake.Justaseachdecisionisanopportunitytolearn,each“mistake”isalsoanopportunitytolearn,renderingitimpossibletomakeamistake.Agreatresearcher,having“failed”twohundredtimesbeforehefoundtheanswertooneofhisburningquestions,wasasked,“Doesn’titbotheryouthatyoufailedallthosetimes?”Hisanswerwas,“Ineverfailed!Idiscoveredtwohundredwaysnottodosomething!”

Aftermuchconsideration,Ihavecometotheconclusionthatifyouhaven’tmadeanymistakeslately,youmustbedoingsomethingwrong.You’llnevergettoHawaii!Youhaven’tevenlefttheairportyet!You’veneverevengottenofftheground!Youaretakingnorisks—norareyouenjoyingthe“goodies”lifehastooffer.Whatawaste!

IrememberatimeinmylifewhenIwasfrightenedofjustabouteverything—fearfulthatIwouldfailinallmyattemptstofulfillmydreams.SoIjuststayedhome,avictimofallmyinsecurities.I’dliketoreportthatitwasanancientZenmasterwhosnappedmebackintoawareness.Butitwasn’t.Itwasactuallyanairlinecommercialthatusedtheslogan“Getintothisworld.”WhenIsawthecommercial,IsuddenlyrealizedthatIhadstoppedparticipatingintheworld.Withthis“enlightenment,”Istartedpushingmyselfoutthereonceagain.IrealizedthatIhadtoshiftfrombeingafraidofmakingamistaketobeingafraidofnotmakingamistake.IfIamnotmakinganymistakes,IcanbesureIamnotlearningandgrowing.

Whenyouconsiderthatmistakesareanintegralpartofliving,itisamazinghowwearetaughttothinkthatwemustbeperfect.This“mistake”inourthinkinghascreatedmanyfearsaboutbeingadventurousandtryingoutnewterritories.Let’stakeanexamplefromafavoritenationalpastime,baseball.Itisextremelyrareforabaseballplayertoattaina.400average.Translated,thatmeanshavingahitfourtimesoutoftenatbat—foursuccessesoutoftentries.That’sachampion’sperformance—andmostofusarejustbeginners!

Youarenotgoingtosucceedineverythingyouattemptinlife.That’sguaranteed.Infact,themoreyoudoinlife,themorechancethereistonotsucceedinsomethings.Lookathowrichyourlifecanbe,however,fromyourmanyadventures.Winorlose,youjustkeepwinning!UsingtheOffCourse/CorrectModel,youcannowhaveanewfreedominflying.

Althoughyounowknowhowtominimizeyourfearsaboutdecisionmakingandmakingamistake,youmightnoticethatadoptingtheconceptspresentedismoredifficultthanitsounds.AgainIremindyouofthelengthyprocessinvolvedinbehaviorchange.Simplybegin!Keepworkingonit.Keepreinforcingthenewwayofthinkingpresentedherebyusingtheexercisesbelowtohelpyoupushthroughyourfearsaboutmakingdecisionsormistakes.

Haveyoumadeanymistakeslately?Ihopeso!

Exercises

1.UsingtheNo-LoseModel,considersomedecisionsyouarenowfacing.Writedownallthepositivethingsthatcanhappenbyusingeitherpathway—eveniftheoutcomemightnotbewhatyoupicture.

2.LearntheconceptITDOESN’TREALLYMATTERbystartingwithlittledecisionsyouface

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eachday.Asyouponderwhichsuittoweartotheoffice,noticethatitdoesn’treallymatter;whichrestauranttoeatattonight,itdoesn’treallymatter;whichmovietosee,itdoesn’treallymatter.Eachchoicesimplyproducesadifferentexperience.Slowlyyouwillbeabletoapplythisconcepttolargerandlargerdecisions.Putsignsinyourhomeandofficethatsay

ITDOESN’TREALLYMATTER

toremindyourselfwhenyouarebeingneedlesslyobsessive.

3.Also,putsignsinyourhomeandofficethatsay

SOWHAT!I’LLHANDLEIT!

Ifthingsdon’tworkoutthewayyouwant,sowhat!What’sthebigdeal,anyway?Thisreminderwillhelpyoulightenupaboutlifeasyoulearnyoucanhandlewhateverhappensafteryou’vemadeyourdecision.

4.Lookatcluesinyourlifethatsuggestyouareoffcourseandbeginmakingyourgameplantocorrectthesituation.

1. Atthetime,TheFloatingHospitalwaslocatedaboardashipandsailedaroundManhattanwhiledeliveringhealth-careservicestothepoor.AfterSeptember11,2001,theshipwassold,asitwasunabletosecureaffordableandaccessibledockspace.Itisnowland-basedandcontinuestoprovideservicestothepoor.Back

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“I amdevastatedwithoutJim.Hewasmywholelife!”Louisewasoneofmystudents,andher

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husbandhadjustdivorcedherafterfiveyearsofmarriage.Shewasn’tkiddingwhenshesaidthatJimwasherwholelife,forthat’sexactlywhatshehadmadehim.Nothingornooneelsehadanyrealsignificance.

This,ofcourse,explainsherdevastationanddesperatesenseofemptinesswhenheleft.Itprobablyalsoexplains,inpart,thebreakdownofthemarriage.AsIillustrateinTheFeeltheFearGuidetoLastingLove,dependencyinarelationshipcreatessomeveryunattractivesideeffects—anger,jealousy,resentment,clinging,nagging—allveryunpleasanttolivewith.Theseself-defeatingqualitiesaretheresultofadeep-seatedfearoflosingthatwhichweseeasthebasisofourentireidentity.

Bob,apublic-relationsexecutive,chosetocreatehisidentityintheareaofwork.Forhim,therewasonlyhiscareer;nothingelsemattered.AswithLouise,negativesideeffectsaccompaniedhisemotionaldependency.Atwork,hewasprotectiveinsteadofexpansiveandgiving;heusurpedcreditforeverything,ignoringthecontributionsofthosewithwhomheworked;andinhisconstantattempttogainapprovalfromhissuperiors,henevertookachance.Thushiscreativitywasgreatlydiminished.

Whenhelosthisjobbecauseofaseriesofcutbacks,hepredictablyexperiencedafeelingofdevastation,anextremesenseofhelplessness,andthoughtsofsuicide—allbroughtonbyahorriblefeelingofemptiness.Hislifelinehadbeensevered.

Menandanincreasingnumberofwomenwhohavelivedtheirentireadultyearsemotionallytiedtotheirworkoftenfallapartwhentheyareforcedtoretire.Itisasthoughtheirlivesareover—infact,manydiesoonaftertheirretirementbegins.Howsadthattheycannotenjoywhatispotentiallythemostenjoyableandcreativepartoftheirlives!

Jeanne,ahousewife,madeherchildrenthetotalityofherlife.Tothosewhodidn’tunderstand,shelookedlike,andbelievedherselftobe,a“good”mother.Shewasalwaystherewhenthechildrencamehomefromschool,shecateredtotheireveryneed,andshepridedherselfonthefactthatherchildrenalwayscamefirst.

IfJeannehadbeenmorehonestwithherself,shewouldhaveseenshewasusingherchildrentocreateherreasontoexist.Thosewhoreallyknewherwereawareoftheinevitablesideeffects—aneedtodominate,overprotectiveness,self-righteousness,andthecreationofmassiveamountsofguiltinherchildren.Sheneverletthemforgetwhatagivingpersonshewas.Whentheygrewupandeventuallywentoffontheirown,Jeannefacedwhatsheperceivedasatotallyemptyhouse—despitethefactthatsheandherhusbandstilllivedthere.Thismirroredthetotalemptinessshefeltinside.Stayinghomewithchildrenisnotinherentlybad.However,whenparentsdependonchildrenfortheirownemotionalsurvival,itisclearlydetrimental.Notonlyisitunhealthyfortheparent,itisalsounhealthyforthechildren.Aparent’ssurvivalisaheavyburdenforachildtobear!

TheunderlyingfeelingthatLouise,Bob,andJeannesharedwasanextremesenseofneediness.Whentheylostthethingsintheirlivestowhichtheywereemotionallytied,thisneedinesswasexposed.Iwillwagerthatmostofyou,atsometimeoranother,haveexperiencedthissamekindofneediness.Ifso,youwillagreeitisoneofthemostpainfulfeelingsyoucanexperience.Andtomakemattersworse,whenyouareinthethroesofdesperation,thereseemstobelittleyoucandotomakeyourselffeelbetter.

Thisraisesaquestion:Isthereanythingthatcanbedonetohelploosenthegripofthisintenseneediness,thatcanmakeusfeelwholedespiteagreatlossinourlife?Ifthereis,imaginehowgreatlyourfearoflosscouldbediminished.TheanswertothisquestionisundeniablyYES!Thatshouldcomeasarelief.

Althoughyoushouldbeecstaticthatreliefispossible,itisimportanttokeepinmindthat,aswitheverythingelseassociatedwithchange,ittakesagreatdealofawareness,patience,andperseverancetobreakstrongemotion-backedpatterns.Thisshouldnotworryyou.Whileitmaysoundlikeanunpleasanttask,itreallyisn’t,ifyoutakeitinsmallandmanageablestepsandallowyourselftimeto

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reallyenjoytheprocess.SoIinviteyoutotryanalternatewayofhandlingyourlife;itisgearedtowardhelpingyourelease

thedesperation,emptiness,andfearthatmaybeattachedtocertainaspectsofyourlife.Iknowfrommyownexperiencethatthisreleaseispossible.Thischapterspellsoutthestepsnecessaryforchange.Ipromiseyouthesestepsoffersomeinterestinginsights.Yetonlythroughactionandcommitmentcantheybecomepowerfultoolsthatwillabsolutelychangethequalityofyourlife.

ItwillbehelpfulforyoutofirstunderstandmoreclearlywhatIconsidertobethecauseoftheemptinessyoufeelwhenyourlifeisoutofbalance.UsingRELATIONSHIPasanexample,thefollowingillustrateswhatyourWholeLifelookslikewhenyoufocusemotionallyononlyonearea:

If,asinLouise’scase,thebigRdisappears,lifesuddenlylookslikethis:

Nowonderyoufeelempty!Nowonderyouhavetheurgetoreplacethatrelationshipimmediately!There’snothingleft!

Itdoesn’thavetobethisway.LookatthefollowingWholeLife,whichrepresentsanentirelydifferentwayofseeingthings:

ThisrepresentstheWholeLifeofanotheroneofmystudents,Nancy.Takingtheformofagridinsteadofavacuousbox,lifelooksamazinglydifferentforNancythanforpoorLouise,Bob,andJeanne.NotonlyisNancy’sgridfilledwithnourishmentandaliveness,buttheentireareaofherLifeseemstohaveincreased,which,ineffect,giveshermoreforhermoney.Let’sassumethatNancy,too,experiencesthelossofherlove.WhatdoesherWholeLifelooklikethen?WhatadifferencecomparedwithLouise’sloss!YouwillnoticefromthefollowinggridthatthelossofNancy’srelationshipleavesahole.Butithardlywipesherout!Yes,therewaspainwhenNancysplitfromherboyfriend;yes,sheislonelyattimes;andyes,shewouldliketoeventuallyhaveasuccessfulrelationship.Yet,withoutit,herlifestillworksbeautifully.Eachdayisfilledwithamultitudeofexperiencesthatbringherjoyandsatisfaction;hence,herneedinessisgone.Therearesomanyresourcesavailabletoherthatshetrulyfeelsasiflifeisagiantcornucopiathatwillneverbeempty.

Atthispointinoneofmyclassesastudentpipeduptosaythatshe,too,hasmanythingsinherlife—family,children,job,friends—buttheonlythingthatmeansanythingtoherisrelationship.Ipointedoutthatthisiswheretheawareness,perseverance,andpatiencecomein—toenhancethecommitmentshehastoeachareaofherlife.

Commitment,asIamusingtheterm,meansconsciouslygiving100%—everythingyou’vegot—toeach“box”ofthegrid.Forexample,whenyouareatwork,workfullout,holdingnothingback;whenyouarewithyourfamily,consciouslybewiththem,100%;whenyouarewithfriends,bethere100%...andsoon.

AsIstartedexplainingcommitmenttomyclass,Sandy,anotherstudent,immediatelyrespondedthatherjobwasonlytemporary,untilshefoundsomethingbetter.Inthemeantime,shewasboredoutofhermindandcouldn’twaittoleaveit.Therefore,howcouldshepossiblycommitherselftobeingthere100%?Iexplainedthatcommitmentdoesn’tmeanthatithastolastforever,butwhileyouarethere,commityourself100%.Bydoingthis,thequalityofyourlifewillimprove100%.

Igaveheratooltouseonthejobtoenhancetheconceptofcommitment.Thistoolisto“actasif“youreallycount.Whatwouldthatlooklike?Whatwouldshebedoingifsheknewshereallycounted?

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Somepossibilitiestheclasscameupwithwere:creatingdailygoalsandseeingthattheyarecompleted,interactingwithotherstaffmembersinawaythatwouldmaketheirdayhappier,andcreatinganenvironmentthatisapleasuretoworkin.Sheadded,“Iwouldalsogetthereontime.”SandypromisedshewouldgiveitatryafterIassuredherthatcommittingherselftothisjobwouldnotmeanthatshewouldbethereforever.

Sandyreturnedtoclassthefollowingweekveryexcitedaboutwhathadtranspired.Wewereallstruckbytheincreasedlevelofherenergy.Shereportedthatshehadtakenaplantandapaintingtowork,whichimmediatelybrightenedherlittlearea.Shewascomplimentaryandhelpfultothepeoplearoundher,andeachnightbeforeshelefttheofficeshecreatedgoalstocompletethefollowingday.Aseachdayprogressed,shefocusedonhergoalsandwasamazedtofindthatshenowgottwiceasmuchdoneeachday.Shegotaddictedtotheactofcheckingoffhergoals—itfeltsogood.Whenontherareoccasionshedidn’tgettosomethingonthelist,shemerelycarrieditovertothenextday.

Sandywasamazedattheresponse.Oneofherco-workersactuallyaskedherwhatshewason,andsaid,“Whateveritis,continuetakingit!”Butthemagicalresultwasthatsheactuallybegantoenjoyherjob.Participating100%eliminatesboredom.OnceSandygotoverher“woe-is-me”attitudeandbegantochoosetobethere100%,afeelingofsatisfactionandalivenessresulted.Her“actingasif”shecountsiscreatingotherbenefitsaswell:increasedself-esteem,agoodreferencewhenshefinallydoesmoveontoanotherjob,andtherealizationthatsheactuallycanmakeadifference.This,ofcourse,makesherfeelmorepowerfulinaworldwheresomanypeoplefeelhelpless.

Tomakecommitmentalessheavyconcept,keepinmindthat,contrarytowhatwehavebeentaught,itdoesn’tnecessarilymeanforever.

Forexample,myjobastheexecutivedirectorofTheFloatingHospitalbroughtmeagreatdealofjoyandsatisfaction,butaftereightyearsIbegantofeelthatIwasreadyforanotherkindofchallenge.SinceIwastotallycommittedtoTheFloatingHospital,Iwasdeterminedthatitwouldoperatejustassmoothlyaftermydepartureasbefore.Ibeganbreakinginsomeonetoreplaceme.Ibegandelegatingmoreandmore.IgraduallyfamiliarizedtheboardoftrusteeswiththenewpersonIthoughtwouldbeperfectforthejob.Ipreparedeveryoneformyleaving.Soyouseethat,eventhoughIwasonmywayout,Iwascommittedtothatjob100%.

Atthesametime,IwastotallycommittedtohavingmylifeworkafterIleftmyjob.Inmyfreehours,Ibeganteaching,writing,andincreasingmyprivatepsychotherapypractice.Intwoyears,thegroundworkhadbeenlaidforthefutureofbothTheFloatingHospitalandmynewcareer.Iwasreadytoleave.

Thesameprincipleworksintheareaofrelationship.Noonereallyknowshowlonganygivenrelationshipwilllast.Butuntilyoudecidetoletitgo,itisimportantthatyougiveyourmateandyourselftherespectanddignityyoubothdeservebycommittingyourselftobethere100%.Ifthedayariseswhenyouknowthatitistimetosplit,youwillknowthatyougaveiteverythingyouhad.Andif,forsomereason,yourmatedecidestoendtherelationship,youwillknowthatyoudidyourbest.Thereisnothingtoregret.Ifyouhavealreadyincorporatedthegridconceptintoyourlife,thelosswillnotbeenormous,sinceyouhavesomanyotherareasofnourishmentinyourlife.

Oneareaofthegridneedssomeexplanation:theareaofCONTRIBUTION.Thisistheareathatallowsyoutomakeyourownspecialdifferenceintheworld.Contributionisdiscussedinalaterchapter;fornow,simplynotethatitisfromtheareaofContributionthatmuchofyourself-esteemandsatisfactioninlifecancome.Toknowthatyoucanmakeadifferenceinthisworldmeansthatyouarenothelpless,thatyouareameaningfulforceintheworld.

Itisimportantthatyoudon’tthinkofcontributioninsuchgrandtermsasthoseofGandhi,MartinLutherKing,Jr.,orAlbertEinstein.ContributioninthewaythatIamusingitmeansbeingexactly

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whereyouare,lookingaround,seeingwhatneedstobedone,anddoingit.Thiscouldrelatetoyourfamily,yourfriends,yourcommunity,yourcountry,andtheworld.Thereisnotapersonalivewhoisnotcapableofgreatlycontributingtothewell-beingofthisplanet.Justchangingyourattitudecanaffecttheworldaroundyou.

Nowthatyouunderstandtheconceptofthegridandrecognizeitsimportanceinreducingmanyofyourfearsregardingrelationship,job,children,andsoon,youarereadytotakestepstoincorporatethispowerfultoolintoyourdailylife.Herearethesteps:

1.Simplyrecognizethatyoumightbecaughtinaviciouscycle.Ifyoulookcarefullyatyourpast,youwillprobablynoticethateverytimenegativefeelingsassociatedwithlosscameup,youtooktheverysamepathwaytotrytorelievethediscomfort:Youtriedtore-createthatwhichyouhadlost.

Forexample,what’sthefirstthingmanyofusdowhenwearedevastatedbythelossofalovedone?Wesimplysubstituteheads.Andwhenthenextloveofourlifeleaves,weexperiencethesamefeelingofdevastation(whichisamazing,sincewe’veonlyknownthisloverforthreeweeks).Thenwhatdowedo?It’snothardtoguess—wegooutandfindanother“oneandonly”withoutwhomwewouldsimplydie!

Ifthisorasimilarpatternsoundsfamiliar,itisimportantnottomakeabigthingoutofit.Justrecognizethatupuntilnowyousimplydidnothaveanappropriateframeworkwithinwhichtocreateahealthierwaytoact.Themerefactthatyouacknowledgethepossibilityofanotherwayisenoughtogetyoutothenextstep.

2.CreateyourownWholeLifeGrid.Beginbymakinganine-boxsquareliketheoneonthefollowingpage.

Takesometimetothinkaboutwhatcomponentsyouwouldliketoincludeinyourlifeandbeginfillingintheboxes.IamagreatbelieverinsettingthestagewheneverIbeginanykindofintrospection,soIrecommendthatyouplaysomecalmingmusicinthebackgroundwhileyouarefillingintheboxes.Makesureyouarealoneandthatthephoneisturnedoff.

3.Afteryouhavefilledinyourgrid,pickoneoftheboxestoworkon.Shutyoureyesandvisualizewhatyouwouldlikethatpartofyourlifetolooklike.Whatwouldyoubedoing?Howwouldyoubeinteractingwiththepeoplearoundyou?Howwoulditfeel?Rememberthetwokeyingredients:100%

commitmentandactingasifyoucount.Let’scallthemtheMAGICDUO,forthat’sexactlywhattheycreateinyourlife—magic.

4.Whenyougetaclearpicture,takeablankpieceofpaperandbeginwritingdownwhatyourmindcreatedforyou,payingattentiontoallthedetails.ThiswillhelpyouwithStep5.

5.Listthemanythingsthatwouldhavetobedoneinordertomakeyourvisualizationbecomeareality.Again,taketimetothinkthisthroughcarefully.Icannotrepeattoofrequently:

ACTIONISTHEKEYTOYOURSUCCESS.

Youhavetodosomethingtomakeyourreallifematchyourvisualization.Soyouractionsarecritical.Let’sseehowthismightactuallywork.IfyouhadpickedtheareaPERSONALGROWTH,you

mightseeyourselftakingclassesandworkshops,readingbooks,andattendinglectures.Inyourvisualization,theMagicDuoassuresthatyouwillapproachallofthiswithawillthatkeepsyou

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focused,andalsoassuresyouractiveparticipationatalltimes.Ifyouareinaworkshop,youmightseeyourselfinteractingwiththeotherstudents,doingallthe

homework,whetheritisacreditcourseornot,happilyanticipatingthenextclassandreallyhappythatyouhavechosentobethere.

Bytheway,whenyoutakethisconceptintotherealworld,oldhabitswillemerge—that’sagiven!Thus,whenyouareactuallyataworkshop,youmightsuddenlybeovercomebythewishthatyouwerewithhim.Inthebeginning,yourmindwilldefinitely,withoutaquestion,wanttopullyououtofyourcommitment,anditwilltakeyourconstantvigilancetocontrolthewandering.Eventuallyyouwillbeabletosay,“Theheckwithhim—I’mheretolearn!”Imaginewhatthisdoesforyourself-esteem!Eventuallyyouwillbeabletomakeyourmindfocusonthematterathandandtakeinwhatishappeningaroundyou.Andthenguesswhathappens!Theneedinessbeginstodisappear.Theproblemwithneedypeopleisthattheycan’ttakeinanythingaroundthem.Thentheywonderwhytheyarestarvingemotionally.

WhatabouttheareaofFRIENDS?Whatwouldthatlooklike?Here,youmightseeyourselfinvitingthemoverfordinner,creatingaterrificeveningout,writingthemlettersofappreciation,orsimplycallingthemandtellingthemyouwerethinkingaboutthem.Intherealworld,whenwithyourfriendsyouwillprobablywishyouwerewithyouroneandonly.ThisisthetimetocallintheMagicDuo.Beginbyfocusingonyourcommitmenttobeawonderfulfriend,“actingasif”youtrulymakeadifferenceintheirlives.Fromthatmentalplace,youwillbegintofindmuchpleasureandfulfillment.

WhenIwasayoungwoman,myfriendsandIhadanunwrittencontract:“I’llkeepmydatewithyouaslongasMr.Wonderfuldoesn’tcall.”Althougheveryoneseemedtohaveunderstoodtherule,lookingbackIconsideritalousypolicy—stupid,aswell,sinceIalwayshadsuchagreattimewithmygirlfriends.AsImaturedIstoppedtreatingmyfriendswithsuchdisrespect.AninterestingsideeffectwasthatIceasedbeingconsideredalast-minutedatebythemalepopulation.ThemeninmylifebeganphoningdaysandsometimesweeksinadvancewhentheyknewIwouldnotcancelothercommitmentstobewiththem.

Let’slookattheareaofLEISURE.Thisonestumpsalotofmystudents,andIadmititisanareaImustworkondaily.Manyofustendtobeachievement-orientedandgetanxiouswhentakingtimetorelaxandenjoyourselves.Itseemstobeokaywhenyou’rerelaxingwithyourmateorfriends,butwhenonyourown,youfeelyoushouldbeaccomplishingsomething.Again,thewaytoreleasethisanxietyistocallupontheMagicDuo.Bycommittingyourself100%toyourrelaxationand“actingasif”yourwell-beingcounts,youcanenjoytakingsometimealoneforyourself.

Tohelpmyselfout,I’vecreatedtheconceptoftheholihour,ashortenedversionoftheholi-day.Iallowmyselfatleastanhoureachdaytorelaxtotally.Itcouldmeanreadingmagazines,walkingonthebeach,orshoppinginmyfavoritemall.Thishelpsgreatlyinkeepingmerefreshedinmywork.VeryoftenIgetsomeofmybestideasduringleisuretime,whenmymindisnotsocluttered.

6.Dosteps3,4,and5foreveryareaofyourgrid.Youwillbeamazedatwhatabeautifullifebeginstoemerge—sorich,full,loving,andgiving.Itisimportanttokeepinmindthatwhateveryoucreateinyourgridcanbecomeareality—ifyouarecommittedtotakingthenecessaryaction.

7.Eachday,createforyourselfspecificgoalsthatreflectalltheboxesinyourgrid.Ifyouarealreadyadiligentdailygoalsetter,youwillprobablynoticethatyourgoalsarefocusedinonlyoneareaofyourlife—mostlikelyWORK.Bysettinggoalsforallareasofyourgrid,yourlifewillbecomebalanced.

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Asyouapproacheachgoal,bearinmindtheMagicDuo—100%commitmentandIcount—tohelpyoufocusandachieveasenseoffulfillment.

Youmaynotbeabletocovereveryareaofyourgrideveryday.Naturally,therewillbetimesinyourlifewhenoneareatakesprecedence.Forexample,whenonvacationyoucanforgetaboutotherareasofthegrid.Justconcentrateonhavingagoodtime.TheMagicDuowillensurethatyoutakeitallin.Inthesamemanner,animportantworkprojectmayrequireyourundividedattentionforatime.Whatyouareultimatelylookingforisoverallbalance.

Considerthis:Ifyoudon’tfeelliketakingthetimeormakingtheefforttodothesesteps,youwillbegreatlyshortchangingyourself.Isn’tyourlifeworthit?WhatI’maskingyoutodoistosetupthebasicstructureofyourlife,soyoucanthengoonlivinginawaythatsupportsyourgrowthandsatisfaction.AsJanet,oneofmystudents,soaptlyputit,“Ifyoualwaysdowhatyou’vealwaysdone,you’llalwaysgetwhatyou’vealwaysgot.”Thisthoughtcertainlyservedtogethermoving!

Ifyoufinditdifficulttomotivateyourself,don’tputyourselfdown.Findaself-helpgrouptoactasacatalyst.Ifyoucan’tfindasupportgroup,findwhatIcalla“growthbuddy.”Youandyourbuddycanhelpeachotherbymeetingweeklyandworkingonthegrid,yourgoals,youractionplan,orwhatever.Committingyourselftodocertainhomeworkbeforeeachmeetingoftenspursyouontoaction.Thekeyistotakeyourcommitmenttoyourbuddyseriouslyandactresponsiblyduringtheweekbygettingeverythingdonethatyoucommittedyourselftodo.

Ifyoucan’tfindaself-helpgroupanddonotwanttoworkwithagrowthbuddy,findagroupconductedbyaprofessional.Itisamazinghowquicklyresultsmaterializewhenyouknowwhatyouwantandaredeterminedtogetit.Mostpeoplenevertakethetimetofocusonwhattheywant—thentheywonderwhytheyalwaysfeelempty.

Keepaskingyourself,“Howwholeismylife?”Continuetocreatesuchrichnessforyourselfthatnothingcanevertakeawayyourbasicsenseofcompleteness.Canyouimaginehowlittleyouwouldthenhavetofear?

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O neofthemostvaluablelessonsinlearningtodiminishfearisembodiedinthephraseSAYYESTOYOURUNIVERSE.ThesewordswerecasuallyutteredbyJanetZuckerman,awonderfulteacherofmine,tosomeonewhowascomplainingbitterlyaboutaparticularcircumstanceinhislife.IaskedJanetexactlywhatshemeantbythatphrase,andshereplied,

“It’ssimple.Whateverhappenstoyouinlife,justnodyourheadupanddown,insteadofshakingitsidetoside.Justsayyesinsteadofno.”OvertheyearsI’veincorporatedthisphraseintomylifewithmagicalresults.

Theterm“universe”referstothatlifeplanthatseemstotakeoverdespitewhatwehaveinmind—that“force”operating,seeminglyonitsown,thatofteninterfereswithourpictureofhowwewouldlikethingstobe.Itreferstoacertainflowinourlivesandthelivesofothersoverwhichwehavelittleornocontrol.Sooftenwhenweareallsettomoveinaspecificdirection,anunexpectedeventchangeseverything.Thoseunexpectedeventsoreventhepossibilityoftheunexpectedsetsusupforagreatdealoffear.Weanticipatetheworst.Itisimportanttoremember:

INSAYING“YES”LIESTHEANTIDOTETOOURFEAR.

Thephrase“sayyes”means“toagreeto”thosethingsthatlifehandsus.Sayingyesmeanslettinggoofresistanceandlettinginthepossibilitiesthatouruniverseoffersinnewwaysofseeingtheworld.Itmeanstorelaxbodilyandcalmlysurveythesituation,therebyreducingupsetandanxiety.Asidefromtheemotionalbenefits,thephysicalbenefitsareenormous.Conversely,sayingnomeanstobeavictim.“Howcouldthishappentome!”Sayingnomeanstoblock,tofight,toresistopportunitiesforgrowthandchallenge.Sayingnocreatestension,exhaustion,wastedexpenditureofenergy,emotionalupheaval—or,worse,itcreatesapathy.“Ican’tcope.Ican’tgoon.Thereisnohope.”Thetruthofthematteristhatsayingyesisouronlyhope.

Notonlyissayingyesourantidotetodealingwithday-todaydisappointments,rejections,andmissedopportunities(theflu,aleakingroof,atrafficjam,aflattire,alousydate,andsoon),itisthemiracletoolfordealingwithourdeepest,darkestfears.

LetmetellyouaboutCharles,whosepresenceinmylifeconfirmedthepowerofsayingyestotheuniverse.CharlesgrewupinpovertyinaNewYorkghetto.His“toughguy”imageservedhimwelluntilhewasseverelyhandicappedbyagunshotwoundincurredinastreetfight.Hisspinewasshattered,andhewasparalyzedfromthewaistdown.

WhenImetCharles,hehadjustcompletedtraininginarehabilitationcenterandwaslookingforajobatTheFloatingHospital.Charleswantedanopportunitytoteachchildrenhowtoavoidgettingintotroublethewayhehad.Hebecamepartofmystaffandaninspirationtoeveryonearoundhim.

OnedayIwalkedintooneofourclassroomsandfoundCharlessittingwithagroupofchildrensurroundinghim.Hewasansweringalltheburningquestionsthatyoungpeoplehavewhentheylookatahandicappedperson.“Whatdoesitfeellikenottobeabletowalk?”“WhatshouldIsaytosomeoneinawheelchair?”“Howdoyougotothebathroom?”Atonepoint,Charlesaskedthegroupwhattheythoughtahandicappedpersonwantedmost.Onelittleboyquicklyanswered,“Friends!”“Right!”answeredCharles,andallthechildrenspontaneouslyjumpedupandhuggedhim,shouting,“I’llbeyourfriend!”Idon’tknowwhogotmoreoutofthesession—Charles,thechildren,orme.

Onanotheroccasion,weweregivingapartyforanewgroupofseniorcitizens.Althoughwehadhiredathree-piecebandforthefestivities,theseniorswerehesitantaboutgettingintotheswingofthings.Allofasudden,Charlespushedhiswheelchairintothemiddleoftheroomandstarted“dancing”withthemusic.“Comeon,everyone.IfIcangetouthereanddance,socanyou.”Withinminutes,hehadeveryonedancing,laughing,singing,andclapping.Hisspiritwasinfectious.Thestrangersintheroomquicklybecamefriends.Henevermissedtheopportunitytoshowpeoplethat,

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withapositiveattitude,valuecanbecreatedfromanythingthathappenstoyouinlife.IhadmanyopportunitiestotalkwithCharles.Hetoldmethatintheearlydaysofhisdisabilityhe

hadlostallhope,allwill.Ashedescribedit,“Itwasn’teasyforamachokidtolosehisabilitytowalk,letalonetoloseallcontrolofhisbladderandbowels.”Hewasreferredtoanexcellentrehabilitationcenter,butrefusedtobehelped.Thecenterwasabouttosendhimhometomakewayforsomeonewhowaswillingtotakeresponsibilityforhisownlife.Thatwastheturningpoint.Charlesknewthatifhewassenthome,hewouldhavenochanceatall.Thiswashismomenttosayyesornotohisuniverse.Heisthankfulhechosetosayyes.

Oncethatchoicewasmade,hisprogresswasremarkable.Opportunitiesopeneduptohimthathe’dneverthoughtaboutbefore.Hedecidedthathislifecouldhaveapurpose:tohelpothersintheirstruggle,whateverthatstrugglemightbe.Hewouldbeamodel,saying,“IfIcoulddoit,socanyou.”Charlesadmittedtomethat,strangely,hewasgratefulnowforhishandicap,becauseitmadehimawareofhowmuchhehadtocontributetotheworld.

Beforetheaccident,Charleshadbeenblindtothefactthathislifehadmeaning.Nowhebelieveshewasmorehandicappedbeforetheaccident;onlysincethenhashederivedsatisfactionfromliving.

WhenIpresentedtheconceptofSAYYESTOYOURUNIVERSEinclass,oneofmystudentsaskedaninterestingquestion:“Ifyoualwayssayyestoyouruniverse,wouldn’tyoubeabletoavoidfeelinganypain?”Ithoughtaboutitforamomentandtoldhimno.Youcan’tavoidpain,butyoucansayyestothepain,understandingthatitisapartoflife.Youdonot,then,feelyourselfavictim.Youknowthatyoucanhandlethepain,aswellasthesituationcausingthepain.Youdonotfeelitishopeless.Atthatpoint,mystudentshouted,“Igetit!Youmeanthereisthepainofyesversusthepainofno.”ThatwasexactlywhatImeant.

Astheclasslookedatitfurther,theywereabletofindexamplesofwhentheyhadsaidyestopainintheirliveswithoutrealizingwhattheyweredoing.Nadinerememberedonedaythepreviousweekwhenshehadthoughtabouthermother,whohadrecentlydied.Suddenlyshewasstruckbythepainofloss.Shesatdownandcried,thinkinghowstrangelysweetitfelttoremembergoodtimesshehadsharedwithhermother.Andasshecried,shefelttheurgetosay“thanks”overandoveragain.

Shewasaware,inthemiddleofherpain,thatlifehandsyoualotofgood-byes—butthat’sjustthewaylifeis.Yetshesawthedifferencebetweenhandlingthedeathofalovedoneasacatastrophe(sayingno)andkeepinginmindhowblessedshewastohavehadthatpersoninherlife(sayingyes).Itisseeingdeathaspartofliving—anaturalprocess—asopposedtoseeingitasahorribledeprivationandunjustphenomenon.

Betsy,anotherstudent,rememberedthesweetnessofthepainshefeltasshekissedhersongood-byewhenhewentofftocollege.Withtearsinhereyes,shewatchedhimwalkdownthepathtohisnewcar,knowinghewouldreturnagainonlyasavisitor.Itwasnowtimetolethimgo.Shereportedthinking,yes,thisisthewaylifeis...alwayschanging.Thingsdon’tlastforever.Sheletherselfcryforawhile,butsoonpickedherselfupanddecidedtoprepareacandlelitdinner.Afterall,sheandherhusbandwouldbealoneforthefirsttimeinmanyyears,soshewasdeterminedtomakeahoneymoonofit.

Comparethiswithaparentwhodreadsherchildrenleavinghome,andwhenitfinallyhappensisabletoseeonlytheemptinessofthehouseandtheuselessnessofherlife.Suchaperson,resistingchange,missesthenewpathwaysopeningupforher.Betsy’sstorybeautifullydemonstratestheabilitytofeelpainwhensomethingendsbutthentogoonandbuildnewhopesanddreamsforoneself.Thereissomethingenrichingaboutleavingonebeautifulexperienceinyourlifeandlookingforwardtootherbeautifulexperiences.

Margesharedwiththeclassthepainshefeltwhenherhusbanddied.Yes,shemissedherhusband

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andthewarmthandcompanionshiphehadgivenher,butshewasalsoawareofhowshehadtransformedherselffromadependenttoanindependentpersonwhenlefttoherownresources.Hersenseofself-esteemhadincreasedenormouslyassheslowlylearnedtotakerisksshehadnevertakenbefore.Shewasabletosayyestolifeandcreateawholenewworldforherself.

Margecouldhavereactedlikeafriendofminedid.Herefusedtopickupthepiecesandgoonafterhiswifedied.Fiveyearslater,heisstillcryingonthephone,asking,“Whydidshehavetodie?”Hehassaidnotohisuniverse.Unfortunately,hedoesn’tseethattheuniverseisn’tsuffering,onlyheis,andperhapsthefewpeoplewhostilltalktohimonthephone.Hehasrefusedtoseetheblessingsinhislife—andtherearemany—ortheopportunitiesaroundhimtomeetnewpeopleandtrynewexperiences.Thepainofnoleaveshimfeelingpowerless.

Inthefinalanalysis,itcanbesaidthatyourabilitytocopeeffectivelywiththeworldaroundyoucorrespondstoyourabilitytosayyestoyouruniverse,includingthepain.Remember:

ACKNOWLEDGMENTOFPAINISVERYIMPORTANT;DENIALISDEADLY.

Sandyissomeonewhoavoidedherpain.Whenhersondiedinanautomobileaccidenttwelveyearsago,sheneverfacedthefullimpactoftheloss.Friendsremarkedonhowwellshehadhandledherson’sdeath.Threeyearslater,shedevelopedepilepsy,whichseemedtobeunrelatedtothelossshehadexperienced.Fornineyearsshesufferedfromseizuresthatpreventedherfromworking.Inaddition,herrelationshipswithherhusbandandotherchildrenwereslowlydeteriorating.

Sandyfinallywenttoasupportgrouptogethelpindealingwiththeupsettheepilepsywascreatingwithinthefamily.Duringthefirstsession,thegroupleaderaskedifshehadeversufferedagreatloss.Shesaidyes,butexplainedthatithadhappenedsolongagothatitwasnolongerafactorinherlife.Heknewbetterandwithgreatskillmanagedtogetherbackintotheexperienceofherson’sdeath.Itwasthenthatshefinallyallowedhergrieftoemerge.

Eachtimethegroupmet,Sandycontinuedtodealwithherpain.Almost“miraculously,”herepilepticsymptomsdisappearedwithinfiveweeks.Shediscontinuedhermedication,foundagoodjob,andbegantorepairthedamagedonewithinherhomeasaresultofherillness.Paincanbeincrediblydestructiveifkeptsubmerged.AlthoughSandy’sisadramaticexample,unacknowledgedpainissubtlydestroyingmanypeople’slives.

Weallknowpeoplewhoareoutoftouchwiththeirpain—whohaverefusedtoletthemselvesfeeltheiremotions.Whenwedon’tacknowledgeourpain,itwillbetransferredintoabodilysymptom,anger,orsomethingequallydestructive.Sayingyesmeanslettinginthepainfullforce,knowingthatyouwillnotonlygettotheothersideofit,butalsogainsomethingintheend—ifyoulookforit.

Astheclassdiscussionscontinued,mystudentsandIcameupwithaninterestingthought:thericherourlives,themorelikelywearetoexperiencethepainofloss.Ifwehaveamultitudeoffriends,wewillhavetodealwithmoregoodbyes.Themoreweareabletoreachoutintotheworld,thegreaterthelikelihoodisthatwearegoingtoexperience“failure”orrejection.Butthosewhoarelivingrichliveswouldn’tchangethemforamoment.Theydelightintheopportunitytotasteallthatlifehastooffer—thegoodandthebad.Theclassalsodecidedthatitislikelythatthosewholeadrichlivesintuitivelyknowthesecretofsayingyestotheuniverse.Thosewhosaynousuallywithdrawfromlife,choosingsymbolicallytohideunderthecoverstokeepthemselvesfrombecomingvictims—ironically,endingupcompletevictimsoftheirownfears.

IfoundthemostextremeandmovingexampleofsayingyesinthepagesofViktorFrankl’sbookMan’sSearchforMeaning.Itwasgiventomebyafriend,whosaid“Ithinkit’sreallyimportantfor

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youtoreadthisbook.”IwasupsettolearnthatthebookwasaboutFrankl’sexperienceinaconcentrationcamp—asubject

Ihadcarefullyavoided.Itwassimplytoofrighteningformetolookat.Ihadviewedlifeinaconcentrationcampasthemostterribleexperienceahumanbeingcouldendure—mentally,physically,andspiritually.Ireallydidn’twanttoreadthisbook,andwasabouttoputitasidewhenmyfriend’swordscamebacktome:“Ithinkit’sreallyimportantforyoutoreadthisbook.”SheobviouslyknewsomethingIdidn’t,soIdecidedtofindoutwhatshewastalkingabout.

Ipainfullypushedthroughpageafterpageofdescriptionsthatdefiedhumancomprehension.Icouldn’tkeepbackmytears.ButasIcontinuedtoread,myheartslowlystartedtolighten.NotonlyhadFranklandotherslikehimfacedlifeinaconcentrationcamp,but,accordingtothedefinitiongivenearlier,theyhadactuallysaidyestotheiruniverse!Theywereabletocreateapositiveexperienceoutofwhatlifehadhandedthem.Theywereabletofindpersonalmeaningandgrowth—andawayofseeingtheworldthatcreatedvaluefromtheirexperience.AsFranklwrote:

Theexperiencesofcamplifeshowthatamandoeshaveachoiceofaction.Therewereenoughexamples,oftenofaheroicnature,whichprovedthatapathycouldbeovercome,irritabilitysuppressed.Mancanpreserveavestigeofspiritualfreedom,ofindependenceofmind,eveninsuchterribleconditionsofpsychicandphysicalstress.Wewholivedinconcentrationcampscanrememberthemenwhowalkedthroughthehutscomfortingothers,givingawaytheirlastpieceofbread.Theymayhavebeenfewinnumber,buttheyoffersufficientproofthateverythingcanbetakenawayfromamanbutonething:thelastofthehumanfreedoms—tochooseone’sattitudeinanygivensetofcircumstances,tochooseone’sway.Thewayinwhichamanacceptshisfateandallthesufferingitentails,thewayinwhichhetakesuphiscross,giveshimampleopportunity—eveninthemostdifficultcircumstances—toaddadeepermeaningtohislife.

AsIfinishedthelastpage,Iknewthatadramaticchangehadtakenplacewithinme.IwouldneveragainexperiencefearwiththesameintensityIhadexperienceditbeforereadingthebook.IknewthatifFranklwasabletocreatesomethingpositiveoutofhisexperience,whichwastheworstmymindcouldimagine,thenI—andeveryoneelse—couldcreatevalueoutofanythinglifecouldpossiblyhandme.Itisamatterofremainingconsciousthatwehavethechoice.

Iamsurethat,giventheoption,Franklwouldhavepreferrednottogothroughtheexperience,buttheconcentrationcampwaswhatlifehandedhim.Itwasthenuptohimtocreatehisreactiontothesituation.Wecan’tcontroltheworld,butwecancontrolourreactionstoit.IthinkyounowbegintoseehowSAYYESTOYOURUNIVERSEcanwork,notonlytoreducefear,butalsotocreatemeaninginlife.

Duringanotherclass,oneofmystudentsarguedthatifwesayyestoeverything,weareacceptingeverything.Ifweaccepteverything,thenwewon’tacttochangethingsthatarewrongwiththisworld.Iexplainedtohimthatsayingyesmeanspositiveaction;sayingnomeansgivingup.Itisonlywhenweseepossibilityforchangethatwecanworktoeffectchange.Wecansaynotothesituationasitis,butyestothepossibilityforthegrowthitoffers.Ifyoubelievethatasituationinyourlifeishopeless,yousimplysitbackandletyourselfbedestroyed.

Onagloballevel,ifyoubelievethatitishopelesstohaltnuclearannihilation,youwon’tgetinvolvedinstandingupforpeacefulsolutionstotheworld’sproblems.Ifyouknowthissituationisnothopeless,yousayyestotheopportunitytogetinvolvedintheprocessofmakingoursapeacefulplanet,assomanypeoplearedoingthroughouttheworld.Thesepeoplearenotparalyzedbyfear,becausetheyaresayingyestotheopportunitiesinherentinthesituation.

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Sayingyesdoesnotmeangivingup.

SAYINGYESMEANSGETTINGUPANDACTINGONYOURBELIEFTHATYOUCANCREATEMEANINGANDPURPOSE

INWHATEVERLIFEHANDSYOU.

Itmeanschannelingresourcestofindconstructive,healthywaystodealwithadversesituations.Itmeansactingoutofstrength,notweakness.Itmeanshavingtheflexibilitynecessarytosurveymanyoptionsandchooseonesthatenhancegrowth.Itdoesnotmeanbeingdestroyed;itmeansbecomingalivetopossibility.

Whereastheconceptofsayingyestoyouruniverseisfairlyeasytograsp,learningtosayyesrequiresagreatdealofawareness.Weseemtohaveanautomaticreflexthatpushesthenobutton.Itisnotsoeasytounderstandhowtosayyeswhenachildisgravelyill,whenyoubecomephysicallydisabled,whenyouloseyourjob,orwhenyourspousedies.Remember:

THEWORLDISFILLEDWITHPEOPLEWHOHAVEBEENHANDEDTHE“WORST”LIFEHASTOOFFER...

ANDTHEYHAVECOMEOUTWINNERS!

Weareallwinnerswhenwesayyes,anditiswortheveryefforttolearnhow.Thefollowingstepswillhelp:

1.Createawarenessthatyouaresayingno.Ithelpstosurroundyourselfwithreminders.Putsignsonyourdesk,onyournighttable,onyourmirrors,inyourdailycalendar,orwhereveryou’llseethem.Somesignsthathelpedmewere:SAYYESTOYOURUNIVERSE(anobviousone);IAMFINDINGVALUEINEVERYTHINGTHATHAPPENSTOME;LETGO.Mydaughtergavemeawonderfulposterthatsaid,IFLIFEGIVESYOULEMONS,MAKELEMONADE.Youcancreateyourownsayingsthatworkbestforyou.Theobjectistostayconscious.Weareasleeponthisissueandneedtobeconstantlyreminded.

2.Onceconsciousnessisthere,actuallynodyourheadupanddown,sayyes.Thereissomethingaboutphysicallyaffirminganideathathelpstocreateacceptance.Trynoddingyourheadrightnow.You’llnoticethatyoufeelsomethingpositiveaboutthefeelingofphysicallynoddinginagreement.Itgivesyouthesensethateverythingwillbeallright—becauseyouaregoingtomakeitallright.

3.Usingthesameprinciple,physicallyrelaxyourbody,startingfromthetopofyourheadandgoingtothetipofyourtoes.Noticewhereyouaretenseandfocusonlettingthetensiongo.Againthebodycantaketheleadinsettinguppositivefeelings.Thisisdiscussedlater.

4.Lookforwaystocreatevaluefromanyexperience.Askyourselfthesequestions:WhatcanIlearnfromtheexperience?HowcanIusethisexperiencetopositiveadvantage?HowcanIlearntobettermyselfasaresultofthisexperience?Simplyhavingtheintenttocreatesomethingpositiveautomaticallyensuresthatsomethingpositivewillhappen.AsdiscussedinChapter7,letgoofthepictureofwhattheoutcome“should”beinordertoopenthewayforpossibilitiesyourmindisincapableofenvisioning.

5.Bepatientwithyourself.DON’TSAYNOTOYOURDIFFICULTYINSAYINGYES.Thisisoneofthoseconceptsthatseemseasybutrequiresdiligencetoputintopractice.Itiseasytofeelfrustrated

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whengloomanddoomovertakeyou.Justkeepnoticingthis.Trustthatyou’lleventuallygetboredbeingdepressedorupsetandthatyou’llthenfindawayoutofthequicksand.Mostofusdoanyway.Sayingyeshelpsyoufindyourwaymuchfaster,thusvastlyimprovingthequalityofyourlife.

Oneadditionaltipmaybehelpful.Startpracticingontrivialeventsinyourlife.Althoughtheymayhavenothingtodowithfear,theywillgiveyoupracticewiththeprocess.Forexample,asyousitinyourcarfumingbecauseofatrafficjam,asignonthedashboardthatreadsSAYYESTOYOURUNIVERSEmayremindyouthatyouaresayingno.Onceyoucancreatethisawareness,youcannodyourhead,relaxyourbody,andbegintousetheexperiencetosomeadvantage.Youcanusesuchtimetolistentosomeofthegreat“inspirational”audiosthatareavailableoranaudiobookyouhavenotimetoread.Oryoucanbegratefulthatforthemomentnothingverytaxingisdemandedofyou.Sositbackandenjoytheexperience.

Ifyouareworriedthatyouarekeepingsomeonewaiting,rememberthatthereisnothingyoucandoaboutit,soyoumightaswellrelax.Itisaperfectopportunitytolearnthatinthefutureyouwillneedtoallowmoretimeforunexpecteddelays.

Ifyouareontheotherend,waiting,mutteringtoyourself,“He’slateagain!”focusonsayingyestothefactthatyounowhaveanopportunitytopeople-watchorreflectontheday’sactivities.I’moneofthosepeoplewholovestowait.Itgivesmearareopportunitytodonothingwithoutfeelingguilty!

Lifeoffersmanyopportunitiestopracticesayingyestoyouruniverse.Thebabyspillsmilkalloverthefloor;yoursecretarylosestheletteryoudictated;thecleanerruinsyoursuit—getthepicture?Everytimeyoufindyourselfresistingwhat’shappeningatthepresentmoment,recallthephraseSAYYESTOYOURUNIVERSE.Youwillwatchyourlifebecomemoreandmorepleasurable.Relationshipswiththewholeworldwillimprovedramatically.

Onceyoumastertheconceptonaday-to-daylevel,youwillbepreparedtohandlethemoreseriousissuesthatconfrontyou.Youwillnoticethatyourleveloffearslowlystartstodropasitisreplacedbyagreatersenseoftrustinyourabilitytohandleyourworld.Asyoustarttoseethepossibilitiesintheimpossible,youwillbegintoseethattheworldworks“perfectly.”Youcanfindreasonandpurposeineverything—ifyouopenyourmindtoit.

Theonlytimeyouwillfearanythingiswhenyousaynoandresisttheuniverse.Youmayhaveheardtheexpression“Gowiththeflow.”Thismeansconsciouslyacceptingwhatishappeninginyourlife.Ioncehearditsaidthatthekeytolifeisnottofigureoutwhatyoucangetfromtheflow,but,rather,tofigureouthowtogetintotheflow.Or,asBarryStevenstitledherbook,Don’tPushtheRiver(itflowsbyitself).Stopfightingyourlife.Letgoandlettherivercarryyoutonewadventuresbythewayyouexperienceyourlife.Inthisway—andonlyinthisway—itisimpossibletolose.

Summary

STEPSTOSAYINGYES

1.Createawarenessthatyouaresayingno.

2.Nodyourheadupanddown—sayyes.

3.Relaxyourbody.

4.Adoptanattitudeof“It’sallhappeningperfectly.Let’sseewhatgoodIcancreatefromthissituation.”

5.Bepatientwithyourself.Ittakestimetoadopta“yes”approachtolife.Sayyestoyou!

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D oyouconsideryourselfagivingperson?Thinkaboutitforamoment.Iaskedthisquestionofsomeofmystudentsonemorning,mostofwhomweremarried,

andtheyallnoddedtheirheads,meaningyes.Therefore,theywerebewilderedbytheirownreactionstothehomeworkassignmentIthengavethem,whichwassimply,“Gohomeand

say‘thankyou’toyourspouses.”Therewasadistinctsenseofdiscomfortintheroom.YouwouldhavethoughtIhadaskedthemtogohomeandbeattheirchildren!Finally,Lottie,whohadbeenmarriedfortwenty-fiveyears,pipedupwith,“WhyshouldIsaythankyoutomyhusband?HeshouldbegladI’mthere!”

“Lottie,whyareyouthere?”Iasked.Herresponsewasratherevasive—somethingtotheeffectthat“he’dbeamesswithoutme,and,besides,itwouldbetoomuchtroubletoleave.”Irepeatedmyquestion.Aftermuchproddingfrommeandtherestoftheclass,Lottiewasfinallyabletoacknowledgethatherhusbandgaveheranumberofadvantages:companionship,financialsecurity,andthefeelingthatshewasnotalone.Isaid,“Fine,sogohomeandthankhimforthat.”

Thefollowingsessionbroughtthestudentsintoclasswithlooksofdismayontheirfaces.Theycouldn’tbelievehowdifficultithadbeentoacknowledgethecontributionoftheirspouses.Somewereabletodotheassignment,thoughwithreluctance;otherssimplycouldnotdoitatall.Somereportedthattheyalsotriedtothanktheirchildrenandparents,andthatthat,too,wasverydifficult.Forthefirsttime,theywereforcedtoquestionjusthowgivingtheyreallywere.

Thisdidnotmeanthattheywerenotcontributinginotherareasoftheirrelationships.Forthemostpart,theyhandledthedetailsofthehome,raisedthechildren,andperformedtheobligatorytasksofthemarriage.Butweretheyreallygiving?Didtheyreallyknowhowtogive?Ordidtheyjustexchangea“youdothisforme”withan“I’lldothisforyou”?

Needlesstosay,mystudentswerequitedismayedbywhattheyhaddiscoveredaboutthemselvesinthissimpleassignment.Iassuredthemthatmostofusinoursocietydonotreallyknowhowtogive.Mostofusoperateonahiddenbartersystem.Fewgenuinelyevergiveanythingawaywithoutexpectingsomethinginreturn—money,appreciation,love,orwhatever.

Youmightbesaying,“What’swrongwithgettingback?”Myansweris,“Nothing.”However:

IFALLYOUR“GIVING”ISABOUT“GETTING,”THINKHOWFEARFULYOUWILLBECOME.

Morethanlikelythequestionwillsoonbecome,“AmIgettingbackenough?”Thiskindofthinkingsetsupanincredibleneedtocontrolotherssoyouwon’tfeelshortchanged,destroysyourpeaceofmind,andcreatesangerandresentment.

Nowyoucanseewhat’swrongwith“getting”beingthemostimportantmotivationfor“giving.”Infact:

GENUINEGIVINGISNOTONLYALTRUISTIC;ITALSOMAKESUSFEELBETTER.

Whydowefinditsodifficulttogive?Mytheoryhastwocomponents.First,itrequiresamatureadulttogive,andmostofushaveneverreallygrownup.Second,givingisanacquiredskillthatfewofushavemastered.Thesecomponentsaretiedtogetherandrequireagreatdealofpracticetoachieve.Thereasonmostofushaveneverpracticedtheseskillsissimple—itusuallyneveroccurstousthatwearen’tbehavinglikeadultsorthatwearen’tgiving.Wehaveunwittinglydeceivedourselves.Andthisisunderstandable.Welooklikeweareadultsandweseemtobegivingpeople.What’sgoingonunderneath,however,beliesappearances.

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Oneofthemostimportantlessonsonehastolearninlifeishowtogive,andthereinliesananswertofear.Asbabieswerepresenttheultimateinneediness.Wecomeintothisworldastotaltakers.Wehavetotake,orwewilldie.Oursurvivalistiedupwiththeworldnurturingus.Wegivelittleback.Wedon’tcarewhattimewewakeourparentswhenwearehungry,orhowloudlywescreamandbothertheneighborswhenwewanttobepickedup.

Yes,parentsoftengetafeelingofjoyfromthesmileorthetouchoftheirchildand,inthatsense,thechildisagiver—butIdoubtifthechildspentthenightpondering:“Mylifeisabundant.IhavesomuchtogiveawaythatIthinkI’llrewardmyparentswithagreatbigsmiletomorrowmorning.”No,their“gift”isonaratherprimitiveorreflexivelevel.Infact,ahungrybellyinthemorningwillproduceonlyloudshrieksofimpatience.

Astheyearspass,wefunctionasmoreandmoreindependentbeings,abletotakecareofourselves—orsoitappears.Wedressourselves,wefeedourselves,weearnaliving.Yetthereseemstobeapartofusthatneverprogressesmuchbeyondthecrib.Metaphorically,weremainfrightenedthatnoonewillcometorelieveourhunger—forfood,money,love,praise,andsoon.Anyreliefinthewayof“food”isonlytemporary;weknowthehungerwillcomeagain.

Imaginewhatthisdilemmasetsupforusintheareaofourdailyliving.Wecan’tgive.Wecan’tlove.Webecome,consciouslyorunconsciously,manipulative,becauseoursurvivalisinvolved.Wecan’tsupportthewell-beingofanotherpersoniftheirneedsinanywayconflictwithours.Andhowdowefeeloperatingfromtheleveloftheplaypen?Helpless,trapped,angry,frustrated,dissatisfied,unfulfilled,and,mostofall,fearful.

Whatcanbemorefrighteningthandependingonsomeoneelseforone’ssurvival?Asfearfuladults,weaskthesamequestionswedidasachild.Willtheygoawayandnotcomeback?Willtheystoplovingme?Willtheytakecareofme?Willtheygetsickanddie?Asadults,weaskthesequestionsaboutourmates,andoftenaboutourfriends,boss,parents,andevenchildren.

Peoplewhofearcan’tgenuinelygive.Theyareimbuedwithadeep-seatedsenseofscarcityintheworld,asiftherewasn’tenoughtogoaround.Notenoughlove,notenoughmoney,notenoughpraise,notenoughattention—simplynotenough.Usuallyfearinoneareaofourlivesgeneralizes,andwebecomecloseddownandprotectiveinmanyareasofourlives.Fearfulpeoplecanbevisualizedascrouchedandhuggingthemselves.Whereasthisimagerepresentstheinnerstateofallfrightenedpeople,theoutermanifestationcantakeonmanyforms:

Successfulbusinessmenneedingtheboss’sapprovalHousewiveswhoblametheirhusbandsorchildrenforthefactthattheyneverlivedtheirownlivesIndependentcareerwomenwhodemandsomuchfromtheirmenthattheyareoftenaloneMenwhocan’ttoleratetheirwives’independenceCompanyexecutiveswhomakeharmful,irresponsibledecisions

Theyareallinsomewayoperatingoutofasenseoffearfortheirownsurvival.Theyallare,ineffect,crouchedandwithholdinginside.

Ifyourecognizeyourselfinthisdescription,jointherestofus.Therearefewinoursocietywhohaveactuallybeentaughtthesecretsofgrowingupandgiving.Wehavebeentaughttheillusionofgiving,butnottheactualityofgiving.Aswehavebeentaughttobecarefulintermsofourphysicalsafety,wehavealsobeentaughtnottoletanyoneconusortakeadvantageofus.Asaresult,unlesswegetsomethingback,wefeelused.

Thisisnottosaythatwecan’tenjoywhatcomesbacktous,andparadoxically:

WHENWEGIVEFROMAPLACEOFLOVE,

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RATHERTHANFROMAPLACEOFEXPECTATION,MOREUSUALLYCOMESBACKTOUS

THANWECOULDHAVEEVERIMAGINED.

Butifweareconstantlyexpecting,wewillspendagreatdealofourlivesdisappointedthattheworldisn’ttreatingusright.

Ididn’tfindmywayoutofthispainfulstateofexistenceuntilmymid-thirties,whenitfinallydawnedonmethatnomatterhowmuchIhadinmylife,nothingwouldeverbeenough!ThemoreIhad,themoreIwanted—morelove,moremoney,morepraise—more,more,more.Obviously,somethingIwasorwasn’tdoingwaskeepingmefromeverfeelingsatisfied.And,worse,itwaskeepingmeinastateofconstantfearthateverythingIhadwouldultimatelydisappearandtherewouldbenothingleft.Isaweverythingastheproverbiallastdrinkofwaterinthedesert,andIhungonfordearlife.

Itwastimetotryanotherwayofbeing,sincemyoldwaywasdefinitelynotservingme,oranyoneelseinmylife.AsIdescribedearlier,Isoughtoutmanyteachersandgotmanyanswers.Inessence,Ilearnedthatinordertogetridofthefearoflack,IhadtodotheoppositeofwhatIhadbeendoingupuntilthattime.Insteadofhangingontoeverythingfordearlife,Ihadtostartreleasing,lettinggo,givingitaway.Ifyouthinkanythingelseinthisbookisdifficult,waituntilyoutrythisone!It’sreallyaCatch-22:It’seasytogivewhenyoufeelabundantlyendowed,butyouonlyfeelthatwaywhenyougive,notbefore!So:FEELTHEFEAR...ANDDOITANYWAY!

AgainletmeremindyouthatwhatIampresentingisalifelongprocessthatyoucanbeginworkingontoday.Thereisnomagicalpotionasyet.Itisamazinghowlongittakestobecomeafull-blownadult.Infact,onemightconsideritalifelongtask.I’vebeenworkingonthisforyearsandI’mstillworkingonit.Thegoodnews,however,isthatmysenseofpersonalpowerandmyabilitytoloveandtrusthasincreasedatleast1,000%sinceIhavebeenpracticinggivingitaway.Manyfearsintheareasdiscussedbelowhavecompletelydisappearedforme.Therewardsaremonumental.Ipromise!

GiveAwayThanks

Startbythinkingaboutthepeoplepresentlyinyourlifeandsignificantonesinyourpast.Puttheirnamesonasheetofpaper.Thenlistwhateachofthemcontributedtoyouintheirownspecialway.Eveniftheybroughtyoupainandyoudislikethemintensely,listtheircontributiontoyourlife.AswithLottie,earlier,despitewhatshefeltaboutherhusband,therewasmuchthathehadprovidedher.Also,it’spossibletomakeagiftevenoutofanegative.

IapologizedtomysononedayforthefactthatatthetimeIgotdivorcedIwasn’tthereforhimemotionallywhenhemighthaveneededme.Iwastoowrappedupinmyownpaintohelphimwithhis.Hisanswerwas,“It’sokay,Mom.ThatwastheperiodofmylifewhenIlearnedindependence.Thatwasavaluablelesson.”Hewasabletothankmeformylack!Intermsofmentalhealth,hewasfarbetteroffthanifhehadcarriedaroundresentmentallthoseyears.So,evenifyouperceivethatsomeonehasmistreatedyou,findthelessonyoulearnedfromthemandputthecontributiononyourlist.

Onceyouhavelistedallthegiftsfromvariouspeopleinyourlife,systematicallygoaboutthankingthem.Ifitissomeoneyouhaven’tseenorheardfrominawhile,surprisethemwithacalloralettersimplyacknowledgingthemforwhattheyhavecontributedtoyourlife.Youwillbeamazedatthepleasureyouwillget—andgive—fromdoingthis.

Withsomepeopleinyourlife,suchasanex-spouse,ex-friendsorbosses,alienatedparentsorchildren,thiscanbeespeciallydifficult.Tohelpridyourselfofpresentfeelingsofresentmentandanger,tryanexerciseIlearnedinaworkshopmanymoonsago:

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Findanemptyroomandturnoffthetelephone.Putonsomesoothingmusic.Sitdowninacomfortablechairandcloseyoureyes.Visualizesomeonewhobringsupalotofangerorpaininyou.Picturetheminfrontofyou.First,surroundthemwithraysofhealingwhitelightandtellthemthatyouwishthemallgoodthings—everythingtheycouldpossiblywantintheirlifetime.Thankthemforwhatevertheyhavegivenyou.Keepdoingthisuntilyoufeelyournegativeemotionsleaving.

Tosaythisisnoteasyistoutterthebiggestunderstatementintheworld.“Wishhergoodthings?Areyououtofyourmind?Iwanttoseehersufferforwhatshe’sdonetome!”

ThefirsttimeIdidthisexercise,Ipickedsomeonewhohadpreviouslyworkedforme,andwhohadcausedmeagreatdealofupsetandpain.Ihadtrustedhim,and,tomymind,hehadbetrayedme.Notethevictimmentalityinfullbloom!ObviouslyIwasnottakingresponsibilityformyexperienceoflifeatthattime.AsIwentthroughtheexercise,Iexperiencedanincredibleseriesofemotions.

First,IwasshockedattheangerandresentmentIwasholding.Ifounditalmostimpossible,eveninmymind’seye,towishhimanythinggood.Myinitialangertowardhimwasmonumental.AsIslowlyreleasedtheanger,IgotintouchwiththepainIfelt.Thisturnedtoangeratmyselfforallowingwhathadhappenedandforholdingallmyangerforsolong.Thisturnedintoforgivenessofmyselfandofhim.Iwasabletoseebothofussimplyaspeoplewhohaddonethebestwecouldatthetime.Icouldthensurroundusbothwithhealingwhitelight.

Thisprocesstookaboutanhour.WhenIbegan,Ithoughtnothingmuchwouldhappen.Wrong!Iscreamed,Icried,Ihurt,Ihated,Iopenedup,Iforgave,Iloved,Ifeltpeace.IcontinuedtodothisexercisedailyuntilInolongerfeltanythingnegativeabouthimandcouldfreelywishhimallgoodthings.

IdidthisexerciseforallthepeopleinmylifeforwhomIwasholdinganynegativity,nomatterhowgreatorhowslight.Oneofthepeoplewasmyex-husband.WhenIwasabletoreachthepointinmyvisualizationwhenIwishedhimonlygood,Iphonedhimandinvitedhimtolunch.IsimplysaidthatthereweresomethingsI’dnevertoldhimandIwantedtodosonow.HewaspleasedIcalledandwemetforlunch.

ItoldhimallthethingsthatIreallydidappreciateabouthimwhenweweremarriedandthequalitiesinhimthatIadmire.Myopennessinvitedopennessonhispart,andhesharedthingsaboutmethatwerelovingaswell.WhenIleftlunchthatday,IfeltIhadcompletedsomethingthatheretoforehadbeenincomplete—anditfeltwonderful.

Ifyoucannotactuallymeetwithpeopleonyourlist,doitinyourmind.Talktothemasiftheyweresittinginfrontofyouandtellthemwhatyouwanttosay.Healtherelationshipwithinyourself.Intermsofyourphysicalandmentalhealth,itisjustasgoodasiftheywereactuallysittingbeforeyou.

Weneedtogetridofpainandangerbeforewecanbringinlove.Whenweholdnegativefeelingsaboutpeopleinourpast,wecarrythosefeelingstothoseinourpresent.Notonlythat,butwecanmakeourselvesphysicallyill,assomeofyoumayhavealreadyexperienced.AnexcellentbooktoreadonthesubjectofhealingyourbodyandmindisLouiseHay’sYouCanHealYourLife.Shehasmanyexercisesthatwillhelpyoureleasetheanger,pain,andresentmentthatyoumaybecarryingaroundwithyou.

Somanypeopledon’tsaythankyoubecausetheydon’trealizehowimportanttheirthanksmaybe.Remember,youcountandyourthankscount.Don’tletanopportunitygobytothanksomeonewhohasgivenyousomething—anythingatall.

Ifthisseemsdifficultforyourightnow,startwithcasualsituations,suchassayingtosomeoneatwork:“Thankyouforthat”or“Iappreciatethat”or“Thankyouforbeinghappytoday;it’smademehappy.”Thankyou,thankyou,thankyou.Startgettingthosewordsintoyourconsciousnessabouteveryonearoundyou.Startthankingothersinsteadofwaitingforthankstocometoyou.Itistoughinthebeginning,butitgetseasier.Givingawaythanksislikeamuscletobeused.Asweflexit,itgetsstronger.Itjusttakesexercise.

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GiveAwayInformation

Somuchofwhatwelearninlifecomestouswithgreatdifficulty.And,forsomereason,wehaveatendencytowanttoseeothersstruggleasmuchaswedid.Turnthisaroundandbegingivingothersasmuchhelpasyoucanpossiblygivethem.Professionally,thiscanbeverydifficult.IcanremembertimeswhenIfeltthreatenedbythoseIfeltweremy“competition,”andthetendencywastowithholdinformationfromthemthatwouldhelpthemintheirwork.

Thankgoodness,Ifeltthefear...anddiditanyway.SomeofthepeopleIhelpedhavebecomemygoodfriendsandpartofmysupportsystem.Here,too,thegivinghastobedonewithnoexpectationsofreturn.Morelikelythannot,however,thereturnwillbeenormous.Oneofmystudentsaskedwhatwouldhavehappenedifoneofthemreallyhadturnedagainstmeandusedmyinformationinacompetitiveway.Myanswerwas,andis,thatifIhaveenoughbeliefinmyselfthatIwill“makeit”nomatterwhatanyonedoes,whatistheretofear?It’samatterofdevelopingtrustinyourselfandinyouruniverse.Forsomereason,whenyoubecomeasupporttoothersyoubecomebiggerthanyouare.Moreover,whenpeopleusewhattheyhavelearnedfromyou,youreffectinthisworldisgreatlymagnified.

GiveAwayPraise

Formanyofus,thepeoplewefindmostdifficulttopraisearetheonesclosesttous—ourmates,ourchildren,ourparents,andsometimesourfriends.Alotofthedifficultycomesfromangerandresentment.Yet,insomestrangeway,whenwepraisethepeopleinourlives,wereleasethenegativityandopenthedoorfortheirbeinglovingtowardus.

Toomanyinrelationshipsfocusonthenegative,andhavenodifficultyremindingsignificantothersofwhattheyaredoingwrong.Itisnowondersofewrelationshipsaregoingwell.Wewantourlovedonestobeaffirmingandsupportive.Itisimportanttosurroundourselveswithgiving,loving,andnurturingpeople.Thisimpliestheflipsideofthecoin:

YOUMUSTBECOMEWHATYOUWANTTOATTRACT.BETHEKINDOFPERSONYOUWOULDWANT

TOSURROUNDYOURSELFWITH.

OneofthedoubtingThomasesinmyclassaskedmewhathappensifyougiveandgiveandgiveandgetnothingback.Iaskedherforanexample.Shesaidthatshegaveandgaveandgavetoamanwithwhomshewastryingtoreestablisharelationship,andherefusedtocomebacktoher.Ithinkshemissedthepoint.Inthefirstplace,shewashardlygivingwithnoexpectations.Shewasexpectingalot!Byherownadmission,shefeltthatifshecontinuedtogive,hewouldseewhathewasmissingandwouldfinallycomebacktoher.

Ipointedoutthatitseemedmorelikeacalculatedconjob,ratherthananactoflove.Isuggestedthatsheneededtoreleasehimandmoveontosomeonewhocouldbetterfillherneeds.Iremindedherthatthereisnothingwrongwiththegiving,butifourneedsarenotbeingmetinarelationship,itistimetoclosethatdoor,withlove,andmoveontosomeoneelse.Givingdoesnotimplybecomingadoormat.Weareentitledtohaveourneedsmet.However,itdoesn’tserveustobeangryifacertainsomeonedoesnotfulfillthem.

GiveAwayTime

Timeissomethingthereneverseemstobeenoughof,henceitisoneofourmostvaluable

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commodities.Itisalsooneofourmostpreciousgifts.Howdoyougiveawaytime?Youlistentoafriend’sproblem,youwriteanoteofthanks,yougetinvolvedinsomethingbiggerthanyourselfandbecomeaparticipatingmember,youvolunteer,youreadabooktoachild.Allofthesetakeyououtofyourselfandhelpyouoperatefromadifferentpartofyourbeing—thepartthatisloving,nurturing,andabundant.

David,oneofmystudents,talkedaboutoneofhisexperiencesofgivingawayhistime.HevolunteeredforTheHolidayProject,whichinvolvedvisitinghospitalsatChristmastime.Hedescribeditas“anopeningup”ofhisheartandtakingit“outoftheordinaryandpettyintoadifferentspace...ahighplace.”NoticewhatDavidwasfeelingfromhiscontributionoftime.Herememberedsingingtoachildinacoma.Thenursehadtoldhim,“Singtohim...he’llhearyou.”Hesaiditwasbeautiful,andadvisedtherestoftheclasstoopenthemselvesuptosuchacontribution.“It’sanincrediblehigh!”

AdearfriendofminewhorecentlyhadastrokefeltblessedandabundantatThanksgivingtime.Hevolunteered,wheelchairandall,tohelpcookThanksgivingdinnerinarestaurantthatwasservingfreemealstothehomeless.Helovedeverymomentofit.Heknowshecounts,evenafterhisstroke.

Volunteeringisalsoawonderfulwaytospendholidayswithyourownchildren.Oneofmyfriendswasaghastwhenherdaughter,afteropeningfifty-twopresents,said,“Isthatall?”ThatwasthelastofthatkindofChristmasforherdaughter.Now,eachyearsheandherdaughterarepartoftheholidayprojectDavidtalkedabout,andshehasseenatransformationinherdaughter.InsteadofalwayswonderingwhatshewillbegettingforChristmas,herdaughterspendsalotoftimecreatingthingstotaketothehospitalandgiveaway.

Iwanttosayawordaboutvolunteeringingeneral.DuringmyyearsatTheFloatingHospital,Ihadmanyopportunitiestoobservevolunteers.Thereweregenerallytwocategories:thosewhoknewtheycountedandthosewhodidn’t.Andwhatadifferencetherewasbetweenthem!

Thelatterhelped,notoutofasenseofgiving,butoutofasenseofobligation:“Ishouldbegivingbacktothecommunity.”Someoftheseusedtheirvolunteerexperienceasawayofprovingtoeveryoneelsewhat“good”peopletheywere.Thisisnottosaythatsomewerenotofhelp.Theywere.Thoughsomedefinitelywerenot!Theiregosalwaysgotintheway.TheseweretheoneswhowerenotinterestedinwhatTheFloatingHospitalneeded,butonlyinwhatwouldfeedtheiregos.Hence,theyoftenbecamemoreofaproblemthanahelptothestaff.Whatwasworse,theyprobablyderivedlittlesenseofsatisfactionorpersonalworthfromtheirexperience.

Thosewhoknewtheycountedwereadifferentbreedentirely.Theywerethere,silentbutsure.Theyrespondedtoourneedsalmostbeforeweasked.Theywerediligentaboutbeingontimeandneverfailedtoshowupwhenexpected.Theydidanythingrequiredofthem,nomatterhowmenialitmighthaveseemed.Theydiditwithjoy,knowingtheywereofuse.Theyrarelytalkedaboutwhattheydid—theyjustdidit.Andtheyweregreatlylovedfortheircontribution.

Thedifferencebetweenthewayweoperateinthisworldwhenweknowwecountandwhenwedon’tknowwecountisstaggering.Ifyouhavenotyetacknowledgedthatyoucountinthisworld,simplygoaround“actingasif”youdo.Askyourself,“IfIreallycounted,whatwouldIbedoinginthissituation?HowwouldIbeacting?”Itreallyworks.

So,knowingthatyoucount,or“actingasif”youdo,giveawayyourtime.Whatanincrediblegift!

GiveAwayMoney

Moneyisahugeconfrontationformostofus.NomatterhowsuccessfulIbecome,IhavemomentswhenIseemyselfattheageofeighty-twostandingonthecornerwithacupinmyhandbeggingformoney.Ihavefoundthatmanyhavethisimageofthemselves.WherethiscomesfromIhaven’tthefoggiestnotion.Ihaveneverreallywantedforanythinginmywholelife.Yetthefearpersists.

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Fearaboutmoneyoftenpersistsregardlessofhowwealthyweare.Irecentlyreadanewspaperaccountofanimmenselyrichmanwhostillhasnightmaresaboutlosingeverything.Forhim,enoughwillneverbeenough.YearsagoIheardagreatlineinaBmovie:“Securityisnothavingmoney;it’sknowingyoucandowithoutit.”Thefactthatmanyofushaveneverbeenwithoutmoneymightbetheproblem.Hereisanotherinstancewhenalackmighthaveprovidedaveryvaluablelesson.

Theanswertoanobsessionwithmoneyliesinlooseningupandlettinggo.Withinreason,beginto“giveitaway”withthebeliefthatyouwillalwaysfindawaytohavewhateveryouneed.Onefriendofminewrites“thankyou”onthecheckswithwhichshepaysherbills.Inthisattitude,freedomlies—freedomtoenjoy,toinvestinyourselfandothersandtobeacreativepartoftheflow.Givingawaymoneycanpayoffenormouslyinactualdollarsbroughtin,but,moreimportant,inpeaceofmind.Thisisnottosaythatyoushouldsquanderyourmoney—balanceisthekey.

GiveAwayLove

AsfarasIamconcerned,allofthe“giveaways”mentionedareaboutgivingawaylove.Butthereareotheringredientsinloving.Forexample,whenweletsomeonebewhotheyarewithouttryingtochangethem,thatisgivingawaylove.Whenwetrustthatsomeonecanhandlehisorherownlife,andactaccordingly,thatisgivingawaylove.Whenweletgoandallowotherstolearnandgrowwithoutfeelingthatourexistenceisthreatened,thatisgivingawaylove.Howmanyrelationshipsdoyouknowthatlooklikethat?

Whatoftenlookslikeloveisnot—itisneed.AsstatedbyRolloMayinMan’sSearchforHimself,“Loveisgenerallyconfusedwithdependence;butinpointoffact,youcanloveonlyinproportiontoyourcapacityforindependence.”

TOLOVEISTOBEABLETOGIVE.ANDNOWISTHETIMETOBEGIN.

I’vediscussedgivingawaythanks,information,praise,time,money,and,now,love.I’msureyoucanthinkofotherthingstoaddtothelist.Younowunderstandthatgivingisaboutoutflow.Itisaboutlettinggoofyourcrouched,withholdingselfandstandingtallwithoutstretchedarms.Whenwereallyfeelthissenseofabundance,wetrulyunderstandthesaying“Mycuprunnethover.”

Givingfromthepositionthat“Icount”enhancesyourabilitytogive.Likeanyotherskill,however,ittakespractice.

Whetheryoupresentlybelieveitornot,yourlifeisalreadyabundant.Yousimplyhaven’tnoticedit.Beforeyoucanacceptabundanceinyourlife,youhavetonoticeit.

OnewaytoincreaseyourawarenessisthroughwhatIcallTheBookofAbundance.Buyyourselfabeautifulnotebook.Startfillingitbylistingasmanypositivethingsinyourlife—pastandpresent—asyoucanthinkof.Don’tstopuntilyoureach150.Someofyouwillfindmore.Whenyoufeelyoucan’tthinkofanymore,youcan.Justkeepfocusingonalltheblessingsinyourlife.Nomatterhowsmalltheyseem,includetheminyourbook.

Eachdaymakeentriesinyourbook.Insteadofatraditionaldiary—whichformanyiscomprisedofdoomandgloom,wishandwant—createthisbook,whichineffectsimplystates,“Ihave!”Noteeverypositivething,largeorsmall,thathappens—acomplimentfromafriend,acheerfulhellofromthepostman,abeautifulsky,achancetocontribute,ahaircut,anewsuit,nourishingfood.Noticeeverythingwonderfulthathappenstoyou.

Usereminderstokeepyoufocused“onthedoughnut,notthehole.”Lookforblessings,andyouwillnoticethemallovertheplace.Theywillenvelopyou.Thereissomuchyouarenotseeingthatis

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alreadythere.Thereisnoneedtofeelscarcity,whenthereissuchabundance.Ifyoufollowthesedirections,Isuspectthatyouwillhaveaclosetfullofsuchbooksinaveryshort

time.Refertothemoften—especiallywhenyouarefeelingasenseoflack.Lackisonlyinthemind.SomeofthegreatestgiversIevermetwerethepoorImetatTheFloatingHospital.Iwatchedthemandtheirsenseofcontributiontothepeopleintheircommunity,anditwasjoyous.Lackisnotaboutmoneyorthings;itisaboutlove.Andloveisalwaysthereforyoutocreatewhenyouareconsciousthat...

YOURLIFEISABUNDANT,ANDYOUCOUNT!

InadditiontoyourBookofAbundance,keepreadingpositivebooks,listeningtomotivationalandinspirationalaudios,andrepeatingyouraffirmations.Saytoyourself“IRELEASEMYFEAROFLACKANDACCEPTTHEABUNDANCEANDPROSPERITYOFTHEUNIVERSE,”andwheneveryoufeelfearrelativetomoney,oranythingelseforthatmatter,repeatthisaffirmation.Itwillgiveyoupeace.Itwillalsoremindyouoftheabundancethatexistsinyourlifeatanygivenmoment.

Keeprememberingthatyouareaimingtogettothepointwhereyouarethegiver.Whenyouareawareofthefactthat“youhave,”youcangive.Whenyouareagiver,youhavenothingtofear.Youarepowerfulandyouareloving.Thetrickinlifeisnotfiguringoutwhatyoucanget,butwhatyoucangive.Thereissomuchpowerinthiskindofthinkingthatitstaggerstheimagination.

Thinkaboutthis:Ifyouseethatyourpurposeinlifeistogive,thenit’salmostimpossibletobeconned.Ifsomeonetakes,theyaresimplyfulfillingyourlife’spurpose,andtheydeserveyourthanks.Whenyouactthegivingadult,yourfearsarediminished...yourealizeyouaremeanttobeused.

GeorgeBernardShawsummeditupbeautifullyinthequotationbelow.Readingthesewordsdailywillgreatlyhelpyoutoputthingsinperspectiveandgiveyouthecouragetomovebeyondyourfear,sothatyoucanbeofgreatusetotheworld:

Thisisthetruejoyinlife,thebeingusedforapurposerecognizedbyyourselfasamightyone,thebeingaforceofnatureinsteadofafeverishselfishlittleclodofailmentsandgrievancescomplainingthattheworldwillnotdevoteitselftomakingmehappy.

Iamoftheopinionthatmylifebelongstothewholecommunityand,aslongasIlive,itismyprivilegetodoforitwhateverIcan.IwanttobethoroughlyusedupwhenIdie,fortheharderIworkthemoreIlive.

Irejoiceinlifeforitsownsake.Lifeisnobriefcandletome.ItisasortofsplendidtorchwhichI’vegottoholdupforthemomentandIwanttomakeitburnasbrightlyaspossiblebeforehandingitontofuturegenerations.

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I havetalkedaboutalotofpowerfultools:Affirmations,SayingYestoYourUniverse,PositiveThinking,TakingResponsibility,No-LoseDecisions,ChoosingLoveandTrust,LearningtoGive,andmore.Thereasonthesearepowerfultoolsisthattheyopenustoaplacewithin,which,whentapped,allowsustofeel“full-filled.”

Thisplacewithinhasbeengivenamultitudeofnames,someofwhichare:HigherSelf,InnerSelf,Superconscious,HigherConscious,andGod-self.Iliketheterm“HigherSelf,”simplybecauseitimpliesthatwecanmoveabovethatpartofusthatdwellsonthepettythingsthatcausefear,hate,scarcity,andallotherformsofnegativity.Itbringstomindanewplaneofexistencethathaslittletodowitheverydayupsetsandstruggle.

ThereisabodyofpsychologistswhobelieveintheexistenceoftheHigherSelfandtheinfluenceitcanexertupontheindividual.SomerefertotheirworkwiththeHigherSelfas“HeightPsychology.”Othersrefertoitas“TranspersonalPsychology.”TherearealsomanyeducatorsandmetaphysicianswhoseworkencompassestherealmoftheHigherSelf.

TheyhaveproposedthatthisHigherSelfiscapableofahighdegreeofsensitivityandattunementtoaharmoniousflowwithintheuniverse.Itisthecontainerofmanysublimevirtues—creativity,intuition,trust,love,joy,inspiration,aspiration,caring,giving—everythingwe,inourheartofhearts,wouldliketoexperience.

Toomanyofusseemtobesearchingforsomething“outthere”tomakeourlivescomplete.Wefeelalienated,lonely,andempty.Nomatterwhatwedoorhave,weneverfeelfull-filled.Thisfeelingofemptinessorintenselonelinessisourcluethatweareoff-course,andthatweneedtocorrectourdirection.Oftenwethinkthatthecorrectionliesinanewmate,house,car,job,orwhatever.Notso.

Ibelievethatwhatallofusarereallysearchingforisthisdivineessencewithinourselves.WhenwearefarfromourHigherSelf,wefeelwhatRobertoAssagiolihassoaptlycalled“DivineHomesickness.”Whenyouarefeelingthissenseofbeinglost,oroffcourse,thethingtodotofindyourwayhomeagainissimplytousethetoolsthatwillalignyouwithyourHigherSelf—andthusallowthegoodfeelingstoflowonceagain.

Youmightask,“WherehasthisHigherSelfbeenhidingallmylife?”Weoftenheartheexpression“body,mind,andspirit.”Itisusedtodefineourwholebeing.Modernsocietyhasbeenprimarilyconcernedwithbodyandmind.Thespiritpart,whichencompassestheHigherSelf,hassomehowgottenlostintheshuffle.Asyet,therearerelativelyfewplacesthatteachanythingabouttheHigherSelf.Soitisnotsurprisingthatwehavefocusedalmosttotallyontheintellectualandphysicalpartsofourselves.Infact,manyofushaven’tevenbeenawarethatwehaveaspiritualpart.

Addtothatthefactthatmanypeopledon’tevenliketheword“spiritual.”Theytuneouttheminuteitismentioned.Thereasonisthattheyconfuse“spiritual”withreligionandGod.Forthosewhoarenotreligious,theword“spiritual”isaturnoff.

ThewayIusethiswordwillbeacceptabletoyouwhetheryouarereligiousornot.WhenIspeakofthespiritual,IspeakoftheHigherSelf,theplacewithinthatisloving,kind,abundant,joyful,andallthoseotherqualitiesImentionedearlier.BelievemewhenItellyouthatunlessyouconsciouslyorunconsciouslytapintothatspiritualpartwithin,youwillexperienceperpetualdiscontent.

Iamsurethateveryoneofyouhasattimesoperatedfromthespiritualpartofyourselfwithoutlabelingitasthat.Haveyouevergivensomethingtosomeoneandfeltsogooditbroughttearstoyoureyes?Haveyoueverbeensooverwhelmedwiththebeautyofsomething,asunsetoraflower,thatyouwerefilledwithasenseofabundance?Haveyoueverlookedbeyondsomeone’suglybehaviorandfeltonlyloveforthemasyousawtheirpain?Haveyouevercriedtearsofjoyinamoviewhenacharacterovercameasevereobstacle?Ifyoudidanyofthesethings,itcouldbesaidyouwereoperatingfromtheHigherSelf.Youtranscendedtheworldofthepetty—“Shedidn’tevensaythankyou”;“Henever

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picksuphisdirtysocks”;“Whydoesn’thecall?”—andtouchedaworldofbeautybeyond.YouexperienceanincrediblehighwhenyourPersonalHigherSelfhooksintoaGroupHigherSelf.

IfyourheartswelledattheclosingceremoniesoftheOlympics—whenyougotasenseofhowmagnificentthisworldwouldbeifweallactedasoneforthegoodofall—yougotasenseoftheGroupHigherSelf.Thepowerandlovethatcangeneratearephenomenal.

Asyouareundoubtedlyaware,power,andevenasenseofahigh,canbegeneratedbyevilaswell.ThedifferenceisthealmostblissfulfeelingyougetfromallthingsgeneratedbytheHigherSelf,whichisinherentlyalovingspace.PowerfromanegativeplacedoesnotalleviateourDivineHomesickness.Infact,ittakesusfar,farfromhome.Thus,whenthetemporarysenseofpowerleaves,youareleftlostandlonelyandfrightened.WhenyouoperatefromtheHigherSelf,youfeelcenteredandabundant—infact,overflowing.Whenyouexperiencethisabundance,yourfearsautomaticallydisappear.

TheHigherSelfisalsoinoperationwhenyoucreate“miracles”inyourlife—thepowertoliftacarifalovedoneistrappedunderneathorthepowertoaccomplishamonumentaltaskthateveryonehastoldyouisimpossible.Ihaveoftenheardpeoplesay,“Idon’tknowhowIdidit,butIdid!”TheirpowercamefromtheirHigherSelf.

NowthatI’veintroducedyoutoyourHigherSelf,letmeshowyouanultrasimplemodelofbeing.Themodelonthefollowingpageisnotcomprehensive;itleavesoutmanypartsofourinternalandexternalworlds.Itdoesserve,however,toremindusthatwecanchooseourexperiencesoflife.

TheChatterbox,asyou’llremember,isthepartofusthattriestodriveuscrazy.Itistherepositoryofallournegativeinput,fromthetimewewereborntothepresentmoment.Itcontainsourchildlikeego,whichneedsconstantattentionanddoesn’tknowhowtogive.TheConsciousMindsendsorderstotheSubconsciousMindbasedontheinformationitgetsfromeithertheHigherSelfortheChatterbox.Wecantrainittochoosefromeither.

TheSubconsciousMindisastorehouseofahugeamountofinformation.ItalsohasaccesstotheUniversalEnergy.Itoperatesinacomputer-likefashion,sortingandfindinginformation.Forexample,youcan’trememberaname,andsuddenly,whenyouareleastexpectingit,itpopsupoutofnowhere.YourSubconsciousMindhasbeenatwork.TheSubconsciousMindtakesitsordersfromtheConsciousMind.Itdoesnotquestionorjudge.Itdoesnotknowrightfromwrongorhealthyfromunhealthy.RememberthearmexperimentinChapter5.WhentheSubconsciousMindwastold,“Iamastrongandworthyperson,”thearmwasstrengthened.Whenitwastold,“Iamaweakandunworthyperson,”thearmwaseasilypusheddown.TheSubconsciousMindbelieveswhattheConsciousMindtellsitwhetherornotitistrue,orevenwhetheryoubelieveitornot.

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Asthemodelsuggests,yourmindcanchoosetolistentoyourChatterboxblabberingawaywithall

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kindsofself-defeatingnegativity,oritcanchoosetolistentoyourHigherSelf,whichisself-affirming,loving,giving,andabundant.AlloftheexercisesandconceptssuggestedinthisbookaregearedtowardhavingtheConsciousMindopenitsdoortotheabundanceoftheHigherSelfasopposedtothescarcityoftheChatterbox.

TheConsciousMindisoftennotawarethatitisbeingrunbytheChatterbox.Andevenifthereisawareness,theConsciousMindissousedtolisteningtotheChatterboxthat,inthecourseofeverydayevents,it“forgets”tolistentotheHigherSelfandthusneedsconstantreminding.Thisiswheretheaffirmations,positivethinking,tapes,books,sayings,andwhateverothertoolsyouhavecomeinhandy—toremindyourConsciousMindthatyoudonothavetolistentotheChatterboxanylonger.

AswiththeHigherSelf,theChatterboxhasalwaysbeenthere,andwillalwaysbethere.Nouselamentingthefactthatitpopsupeveryonceinawhile!Iguaranteethatitwill.YoumustrealizethatyoudohaveaChatterboxwithin;andyouhavemore,includingtheHigherSelf.Neitheroneisrightorwrong.Eachsimplygivesyouadifferentexperienceoflife.

IfyoulistentotheChatterbox,yourexperienceoflifeisfear-producing,andyoustopyourselffromexpanding.IfyoulistentotheHigherSelf,yourexperienceoflifeisjoyfulandabundantanddevoidoffear.You,likeeveryoneelse,areanexpertatlisteningtoyourChatterbox.YourtaskisnowtobecomeanexpertatlisteningtoyourHigherSelf.Thentruechoicewillbepossible.

WhydosomanypositivethingshappenwhentheConsciousMindchoosestooperatefromtheHigherSelf,andwhydoesthereversehappenwhenitlistenstotheChatterbox?ItseemsthatwhentheSubconsciousMindreceivesitsordersfromtheConsciousMind,itseekstocarrythemoutbyconnectinginternallytothebody,feelings,andintellect.Thus,whenithears“Iamaweakandunworthyperson,”itconnectstoyourbodyandmakesyouphysicallyweak.Itconnectstoyourfeelingsandmakesyoudepressedandhelpless.Itconnectstoyourintellectandmakesyouthinkstupidly.Italsofillsyouwithnegativeenergy.Whenithears“Iamastrongandworthyperson,”itconnectstoyourbodyandmakesyoustrong.Itconnectstoyourfeelingsandmakesyoufeelconfidentandalive.Itconnectstoyourintellectandmakesyouthinkclearly.Italsofillsyouwithpositiveenergy.

Whatismore,outsideyourselfisaUniversalEnergywithoutwhichtheworldwouldnotexist.IncarryingoutitsordersfromtheConsciousMind,theenergyoftheSubconsciousMindconnectstothisUniversalEnergy,whichmanagestobringbackexactlywhatyouhave“asked”for.Ifyouputout“Iamaweakandunworthyperson,”theuniverseobligestheSubconsciousMindanddeliversallsortsofnegativethings.Peoplesteponyou.Youneverachieveanythingyouwant.Everythingstandsinyourway,andyoufeelpowerlesstomoveanythingaside.

Whenyouputout“Iamastrongandworthyperson,”theuniverseobligestheSubconsciousMindanddeliversallsortsofpositivethings.Peoplerespectyourstrengthandtreatyoufairly.Youattainallsortsofwonderfulthings.Nothingstandsinyourwayasyoufindthemeanstoremoveanyobstacles.ThekeyhereisthatjustasyourSubconsciousMinddoesnotjudge,neitherdoestheUniversalEnergy.

MetaphysicianstalkaboutLawsofUniversalEnergy.OneoftheseistheLawofAttraction.Youwillrecognizeitas“likeattractslike.”Whenyousendoutnegativeenergy,whatwillyouattract?Negativeenergy.Whenyousendoutpositiveenergy,whatwillyouattract?Positiveenergy.Perhapsthismakesclearerwhyitisimperativetotrainyourmindtosendoutonlypositivethoughts.

SomeofyoumighthavetroubleacceptingtheideaofUniversalEnergy.Youdon’tneedtobelievethisconceptinordertotapintoyourHigherSelf.However,whenyoucanseeyourselfconnectedtosomethingbiggerthanyourself,younolongerfeelyoumustdoitallalone.Yoursenseofpowerbecomeshighlymagnified,andyourfearsaregreatlydiminished.ThisrelatesbacktotheLevel3Fear:“I’mafraidIcan’thandleit.”NowyoucanseethatwiththeUniversalEnergyonyourside,youcanlearntotrustnotonlyyourself,buttheuniverseaswell.Thiskindofdualtrustultimatelysignalstheendoffear.

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OneofthetoolstheSubconsciousMindusestoconnectyouwithwhatyouarelookingforisyourintuition.ThosestrangemessagesyougetaretheSubconsciousMindsaying,“Ifoundit!”Anyonewhohasexperiencedthepowerofintuitioncannotdenythatsomethingisactingonourbehalfifwelistentoit.Bylearningtotrustyourintuition,“miracles”seemtohappen.

Ourintuitionisalwaysoperatingforus—usually,however,wedon’tactonit.WhenImadetheconsciousdecisiontostartactingonthoughtsthatwerecomingthroughmyhead,amazing“coincidences”begantooccur.Myoriginal“fearclass”cameaboutasaresultofmyintuition.Atthetime,IhadavaguenotionthatonedayinthefutureIwantedtoteachacourseonfear.Iputitoffindefinitely,largelybecauseIwastoobusywithotherthingstowriteupthecoursedescriptionandoutlineandthenfindaschoolthatwouldwantmetoteachsuchacourse.Itseemedlikealotofwork.

Oneday,asIsatatmydeskworking,astrongmessagecametomind.Itsaid,“GototheNewSchool.”Icouldn’tfigureoutwhythismessagecameintomyhead.IhadneverattendedtheNewSchoolforSocialResearch.Iknewnoonethere.Infact,Ididn’tevenknowwhereitwas.Outofcuriosity,Idecidedtogo.ItoldmysecretaryIwasgoingtotheNewSchool,andsheaskedwhy.Isaid,“Idon’tknow!”ShelookedatmestrangelyasIwalkedoutthedoor.

IgotintoataxithatdeliveredmerighttothedooroftheNewSchool.WhenIwalkedintothelobby,Iaskedmyself,“WhatshouldIdonow?”Isawadirectoryandlookedatthevariousdepartmentslisted.MyeyecaughtonHumanRelations.“That’swhereI’msupposedtogo.”MymindreasonedthatIwasprobably“sent”heretosignupforagreatworkshoptheywereoffering.Iwasaworkshopaddictatthetime.TheideaofteachingattheNewSchooldidn’toccurtome.

IfoundthedoormarkedHumanRelationsDepartmentandwalkedinside.Noonesatatthereceptiondesk.Ilookedthroughthedooronmyrightandsawawomansittingatherdesk.Shecalledout,“CanIhelpyou?”Intuitively,without“thinking”aboutit,Isurprisedmyselfbysaying,“I’mheretoteachacourseaboutovercomingfear.”Withoutmyrealizingit,Iwastalkingtotheheadofthedepartment,awonderfulwomannamedRuthVanDoren.Shelookedatmewithamazementandfinallyblurtedout,“Ican’tbelievethat!I’vebeensearchinghighandlowforsomeonetoteachacourseaboutfear,andhaven’tbeenabletofindanyone.Andtodayismydeadline—allcatalogdescriptionsmustbeintoday.”

Sheinquiredaboutmycredentialsandwaspleasedwiththem.Shethentoldmeshehadtoruntocatchabusandaskedmetoquicklywriteupacoursedescriptionwithacoursetitle.Idid.Shehandedittohersecretaryandranoutthedoor,thankingmeprofusely.

Aftersheleft,Istoodinastateofshock.Ihadhadnoconsciousintentionofproposingacoursethatday.AndwhatIhadimaginedwouldbeanarduoustask,takingmonths,tookexactlytwelveminutes!RuthVanDorenwantedsomething,Iwantedsomething,andtheuniverseputustogether.Howthisworks,Idon’tknow.Isimplyknowitworks.TheamazingthingisthathadIconsciouslythoughtitthrough,IwouldneverhaveapproachedtheNewSchool.IwouldhavegonetoHunterCollege,whereIwenttoundergraduateschool,ortoColumbiaUniversity,whereIhadobtainedmyadvanceddegrees.Iknewalotofpeopleinbothplaces.TheNewSchoolwouldnothaveenteredmyrationalmind.

Itisworthnotingthatteachingthatcoursewasaturningpointinmylife.Myexperiencewassopositiveandfeltso“right”thatIdecidedtoleavemyjoboftenyearstobecomeaneducatorandwriter.Oh,bytheway,youmighthaveguessedthecoursetitleIchose.Itwas“FeeltheFearandDoItAnyway”!

I’msureyouhaveheardofevenmoredramaticexamplesoftheworkingoftheintuition—livesbeingsaved,peoplegettingtogetherdespitetremendousodds,andotheramazinghappenings.ThepointisthatweallhaveaccesstothisintuitivepowersimplybystartingtolistentothemessagestheSubconsciousMindistellingus.Isuspectitworksoninstructionswehavegivenitwhenweareclearlyunawarewearedoingso.Wemighthaveforgottenaboutit,butthesubconsciousneverforgets.Infact,

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itworksbetterwhenwetakeourConsciousMindofftheissueandletitdoitsworkwithoutourinterference.Thatiswhywegetsomeofourmostinspiredideaswhenwearerelaxingordoingsomethingotherthanthetaskthatneedsasolution.

Simplystartpayingattentiontowhatyouarebeingtoldandthenactonit.Ifthemindsays,“Callsoandso,”callthem.Ifitsays,“Gohere,”gohere.Ifitsays“Gothere,”gothere.InthebeginningyoumaybeconfusedaboutwhetheritisyourintuitionoperatingoryourChatterboxorwhatever.Justkeepfollowingtheinstructions,andsoonyouwillbeabletotellthedifference.I’matthepointwhereIactonmostoftheseseemingly“stray”thoughtsthatentermymind,andIamamazedattheconnectionsthathavebeenmade.InEmbracingUncertaintyIdevoteanentirechaptertoincreasingthepoweroftheintuitivepartofwhoweare.Entirebooksondevelopingtheintuitivemindarealsoavailable.Itisanareadefinitelyworthinvestigating.

IhavebeguntorelysomuchonmySubconsciousMindthatwhenIamtroubledbysomething,Isimplysay,“IaskmySubconsciousMindtofindthesolutionforme.”Ithenstopworryingandthinkingaboutit.Somehow,easilyandeffortlessly,thesolutioncomes.Aparticularlyeffectivetimetodothisisasyougoofftosleepatnight.Simplyletgoandturnitover.You’llprobablysleepmuchbetterasaresult.

Whenyouareupset,youarenotlettingintheabundanceoftheHigherSelf.Ifyouarealignedor“centered”asillustratedonpage190,youfeelyourselfinaharmoniousflow.

Whenyoustaycenteredthereisnothingtofear.Youaretappingyoursourceofpower,andeverythingisokay.Buthowcanyoubecomecentered,especiallywhenyouareupset?

Ifyouareparticularlyrattledaboutsomething—let’ssayaboutgettingajobyoudesperatelywant—theanxietybeginstobuild.Youbegintofeelthatifthatjobisn’toffered,yourworldwillfallapart.TheChatterboxtakesoverandbeginstodriveyoucrazy,convincingyouthatitistheonlyjoboutthere,andwithoutityouwillnotsurvive.TheChatterboxispullingyouoffcenter.Itisthenthatyoubegintousethetechniquespresentedinthisbook.

Youstarttorepeatyouraffirmations.YoubeginusingyourPain-to-PowerVocabularytoputitinperspective.YouputonbeautifulcalmingmusicoraguidedmeditationoranaffirmationaudiosuchasInnerTalkforPeaceofMind.Youbegintotapintoyoursourceofpower—thatplacewithinwhereyoucanseetheworldasasafeandnourishingplace.Keeprememberingthatitisjustasrealistictothinkpositivelyasnegatively.Andalsorememberthearmexperiment.Positiveself-talkworksevenifyoudon’tinitiallybelieveit.

Saytoyourself:

“Thisjobisnotmylife.IfIdonotgetit,itisbecauseitisnotformyhighestgood.IfIammeanttohaveit,itwillbemine.IcanrelaxnowandturnitovertomySubconsciousMindandtheUniversalEnergyoutthere.AlltheanswersIneedarewithinme.Itisallhappeningperfectly.Thereisnothingtofear.”

Whileyouaretellingyourselfthesetruths,workonrelaxingyourbody.Ifyoucontinuetofeedyourselftheseaffirmingwordslongenough,youwilleventuallynoticeawarmcalmcomeoveryourbodyandyourmind,andyouwillfeelsafe.Eachpositivestatementpullsyou,likeamagnet,closertothecenter...toyoursource.You’vecometotheplacewhereallissafe.You’veletgooftheoutcome,andthereisnothingtofear.

Itmaytakeawhileinthebeginningtopullbacktothecenter.Sofindyourselfaquietspaceandsitthereforaslongasittakestomakeyoufeelbetter.Yourcalmingbackgroundaudioreallyhelpsyouto

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alignfaster.Notonlydoesitsetthemoodandblockoutextraneousnoise,butitalsoeventuallyconditionsyoutorelaxandfeelyourpowertheminuteyouturniton.

Whatcouldyoutellyourselfiftheproblemisnotyourjob,butyourrelationship?

“Thiswoman[orman]isnotmylife.Ifwearemeanttobetogether,wewillbe.Ifnot,sobeit.ItrustthatmySubconsciousMindandtheUniversalEnergyarecreatingtheperfectrelationshipforme.Icanletgo,trustingthateverythingishappeningperfectly.Mylifeisfull.Mylifeisrich.Thereisnothingtofear.”

Earlyinourmarriage,myhusbandandIfoundaperfecthouseforus.Itwasmorethanwewerepreparedtopay;nevertheless,weputinabid.Ifoundmyselfbeginningtobeobsessedabouthavingthehouse.TheChatterboxbegan:

“You’llneverfindthemoneyforthedownpayment.Ifyousellyourassets,youwon’thaveanythingtodrawon.Andwhatifyouneedmoney?Ifyoulosethathouse,therewillbenoothersoutthereasbeautiful.Buthowareweevergoingtoraisethemoney?”

Iquicklysatmyselfdownandbeganthepositiveself-talkthatwouldmagnetizemebacktothecenter.

“Thishouseisnotmylife.IfIammeanttohaveit,itwillbemine,andthemoneywillcometouseasilyandeffortlessly.Ifitisnotthehouseforus,wewillfindanotheronejustasbeautiful,perhapsmoreso.I’mturningitovertomySubconsciousMindtogivemealltheanswersIneedtoknow.Itisallhappeningperfectly.Thereisnothingtofear.”

Allmyobsessivenessstopped,andawarmcalmcameoverme.EachtimeIfeltmyselflisteningtotheChatterbox,Ireturnedtothatplaceofsafetyandcalm.Thehousewasmeanttobeours,becausethemoneydidcometouseasilyandeffortlessly.BytrustingtheuniverseIcouldfeelmyselfdrawingtowardmeallthatIneededtohandlethepurchaseofthehousecomfortably.

Iamconvincedthat...

IFWEDONOTCONSCIOUSLYANDCONSISTENTLYFOCUSONTHESPIRITUALPARTOFOURSELVES,

WEWILLNEVEREXPERIENCETHEKINDOFJOY,SATISFACTION,SAFETY,

ANDCONNECTEDNESSWEAREALLSEEKING.

Ittakespractice.Whenpeoplespeakof“beingonthepath”oroflifeasa“journey,”theyarereferringtotheconstantvigilrequiredtotraintheConsciousMindtolistentothelessonsoftheHigherSelf,which,becauseofinterferencefromtheChatterbox,eludeusattimes.

Let’sgobackandseehowusingyourWholeLifeGridcanprovidethepracticeyouneed.IsuggestthatoneofyourpermanentboxesbetheHigherSelf.EachdayincorporatetimetobequietandtofocusontheHigherSelf,usingthevarioustoolssuggested—affirmations,inspirationalaudios,meditation,orwhateverworksforyou.Thebesttimetodothisisinthemorning,becauseitsetsuptheentireday.AlsofocusontheHigherSelfareaofthegridbeforeyougotobed—perhapsinstructingyourHigherSelftofindtheanswertosomeproblemyoumaybeencountering.

TheHigherSelfboxisdifferentfromalltheothersbecauseitistheoneareaofthegridthatpositivelyinfluenceseveryotherareaofyourlife.Itisfromthishigherplace,abovethepetty,thatyoucreatevaluewhereveryougoandinwhateveryoudo.Comingthusfromaspiritualplace,youenhance

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thequalityofyourrelationshipwiththerestoftheworld—family,work,contribution,friends,personalgrowth,andsoon.Keepingthisinmind,yourgridwouldlookliketheoneshownonthefollowingpage.

Thepositive,lovingenergythatflowsfromaheightenedspiritualitywillspilloverintoeveryareaofyourlife.ThoseofyouwhohavealreadydiscoveredyourspiritualselvesunderstandwhatIamtalkingabout.Andforthoseofyouwhohaven’t,youhavearealtreatinstore.

TheContributionboxcanservetokeepyoualigned.WhenyoubecomeinvolvedinabiggerenergymotivatedbytheGroupHigherSelf,youareinfusedwithpowerandpurpose.Ithelpstocontributetosomethingyoubelieveinwithallyourheart.MakeContributionapermanentboxinyourgridaswell.Itwillservetoremindyouthatyouhavemuchtogive,evenifyoudon’tthinkyoudo.Remember,”actingasif”workswhetheryoubelieveitornot.

Itisnotthepurposeofthisbooktoexplaintheworldofthespiritual.WhatIhopetodo,however,istowhetyourappetite,soyouwillbeeagertolearnmore.Iurgeyoutolookatthelawsoftheuniverseaspostulatedbymetaphysicians.AgoodstartwouldbeforyoutoreadtheilluminatingbookShortcuttoaMiracle:HowtoChangeYourConsciousnessandTransformYourLifebyMichaelC.RannandElizabethRannArrott.Don’tlettheword“metaphysics”putyouoff.Itsimplymeansthestudyofthatwhichisbeyondthephysical.Metaphysicallawsareamazinglysimpletounderstand,andcanclearupmanyconfusionsaboutthewaytheworldworks.Theycanhelpyoucreateamuchgreatertrustinyourselfandtrustintheuniverse—which,ofcourse,istheantidotetofear.Theselawstakealifetimeofpractice,asdoeseverythingelseinthisbook,buttheywillgiveyouasenseofthedirectioninwhichyoumaychoosetohead.Forthoseofyouwhoarereligiousand/orbelieveinGod,youwillseehowtheselawscanbeincorporatedintoyourbeliefs.And,asIsaidearlier,ifyoudon’tbelieveinGod,theselawsapplyaswell.

IalsoencourageyoutostudytheideasofC.G.JungandRobertoAssagioli,bothgreatthinkersintheareaoftranspersonalpsychology.Assagioliisthefounderofpsychosynthesis,anamazingmodelofself-integrationandself-realization.Psychosynthesisemploysmanytechniquesthatarevaluableinfreeingusfrompastconditioning,resolvinginternalconflicts(suchas,“Iwanttobetakencareof”versus“Iwanttobetotallyindependent”)andawakeningourlovingandcreativepowers.

Oneofthepowerfultoolsusedbythepractitionersofpsychosynthesisandotherdisciplinesistheguidedvisualization.ThiscanbeoneofthemosteffectivewaysofquicklytouchingtheHigherSelf.Thereareanumberofwonderfulbookswrittenonthesubject,andagainIsuggestyoureadthem.Buttoreallyknowthepowerofaguidedvisualization,youmustexperienceone.Therefore,Iencourageyoutotakeaguidedvisualizationworkshoporbuyaudiosthatincludeone.Readinggivesyouanunderstanding,butgoingthroughonegivesyoutheexperience—adramaticdifferenceindeed.

Inbrief,aguidedvisualizationrequiresthatyoucloseyoureyes,relaxyourbody,andlistentothepersongivingyouinstructions.ItusesthepowerofyourimaginationtoseelifeasitwouldbeseenifyoulistenonlytoyourHigherSelf.Ifyouarefearful,yourimaginationispluggedintotheChatterbox,andoftentheonlythingsyoucanconjureuparehorrorstories.WithguidedvisualizationsyoucanlearntopushasidetheChatterboxforamomentandexperiencefeelingsandseementalpicturesthelikesofwhichyouhaveneverfeltorseenbefore.Thepicturesareoftenofsuchbeautythatyouwillbemovedtotearsofjoy.Evennegativepicturesthatarisearevaluable;theyoftenrevealinsightsyouhavebeenhidingfromyourself.

Therearethosewhohavedifficultycreatingvisualpictures,andforthemguidedvisualizationsarenoteffective.Ifyouareoneofthesepeople,don’tworry.Simplyusetheothertools,suchasaffirmations,tohelpyoufindyourwayintotheHigherSelf.Idosuggest,however,thatyougive

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visualizationsatry.Itcanbeveryeffectivetoreadaloudthevisualizationsgiveninbooksintoyourtaperecorder,using

assoothingavoiceasyoucanproject.Bylisteningtovisualizationtapesbyothers,youwillgetasenseofthetimingrequiredbetweensentencestoproducethefulleffect.

ThefollowingisashortenedversionofaguidedvisualizationIuseinmyclassesandonmyaudio“TheArtofFearbusting.”

Sitinacomfortablechair,withbackstraight,feetontheground,handscomfortablyonyourlap.Youhavenothingtodobutlistentomyinstructionsandletwhatevercomesupforyoucomeup.Thereisnorightorwrongwaytodoavisualization.Justacceptwhatevercomesupforyou.

Nowcloseyoureyes...andkeepthemclosedthroughoutthevisualization.Takeadeepbreath...inhaleallthelovingenergyintheuniverse...andexhaleallyourlovingenergyintotheuniverse....Oncemore...in...andout...Andoncemore...in...and...out.Feelhowgooditfeelstobegintototallyrelax.Beginatthetopofyourheadandworkyourwaydowntoyourfeet...relax.Letgoofthemuscles...betweenyoureyes...inyourcheeks...mouth...neck...shoulders...back...arms...hands...chest...stomach...buttocks...legs...feet....

Justtotallyletgo...checkingoutanypartofyourbodythatmaystillbeholdingtension...andreleaseit....

NowIwantyoutothinkofagoalthatyouhaveinlife...aspecificgoal...andyouknowthatFEARiskeepingyoufrommovingforwardtowardthatgoal....

NowwhatI’dlikeyoutodoistoimagineyourselfapproachingthatgoal“asif”youhadnofear....

Iwantyoutoseeyourselfapproachingthatgoalwithasenseofpowerandconfidenceinyourself...confidencethatitwillallbeallright....

Whatwouldyoubedoing...ifyouhadnofear?...Seeyourself....Whatwouldyoubedoingnext...ifyouhadnofear?...Lookatthepeoplearoundyou....Howareyourelatingtothem...withnofear?...Howaretheyrelatingtoyou?...Justenjoythissenseofpowerandnoticeyourabilitytolove...andcontribute....Andknowthatthisisafeelingalwayswithinyou...alwaysapartofyou....Anditiswithinyourcapabilitytomoveforwardinlifewiththatpowerandwiththat

confidence....Seeyourself...actualizingyourgoal...withyourpower...withyourconfidence...with

yourlove...andwithyourcontribution....Andslowly...starttobringyourselfbacktothisroom...knowingthatthatpoweris

availabletoyou....Assoonasyoubegintoact...thepowerwillcomeforward....Feelyourselfinyourchair...bepresentinthisroom...listentothesoundsaroundyou...

andwhenyouareready,openyoureyes...noneedtorush.Whenyouareready,openyoureyes.Stretchandjustfeelthedeliciousnessofyourpower.It’sallthereforthetaking.

Isuggestyouorafriendwithasoothingvoicespeakthisvisualizationintoataperecorder,leavingamplespacebetweeneachinstructiontoallowyourimaginationtocreatedetailandfeelinginthevariousscenes.

Forthoseinmyclasseswhotuneintovisualizations,thisoneisverypowerful.Manyreportedthatforthefirsttimetheywereabletoseewhattheworldlookslikewithoutfear.Theyreportedthatwhentheytookawaythefear,theywereleftwithanabundanceoflove.Theywerestartledbyhowbeautiful

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theworldappearedandhowmuchtheywantedtogivetothepeoplearoundthem.Ifyouhavenoconceptofhowtheworldcanlookwithoutfear,itishardtoknowwhatyouarestrivingfor.Oncethatvisionisrevealedtoyou,thePathismucheasiertofollow.YouknowwhenyouaretuningintotheHigherSelfandwhenyouaren’t.

Visualizationscanalsobeusedtofindanswerstoquestionsaboutthemeaningandpurposeofyourlife,ortoclarifyyourlifegoals,ortorevealimportanttruthsthatyouhidefromyourself.Theyhaveamultitudeofapplications,andofferincredibleinsights—somuchsothattheyarevaluabletoolsusedbyeducatorsandtherapists.

I’vepresentedyouwithalotofideasandalotoftools,buttohavethemworkeffectivelyrequiresyourtrust.I’veoftenbeenaskedtoprovethatallIteachistrue.Icanonlyanswerthatcertainthingsarenotprovable—atleast,notyet.

Ican’tprovethataHigherSelfexists.Ican’tprovethatweareconnectedtoawonderfulsourceofhealing,nurturingenergy.Ican’tprovethattheSubconsciousMindcancreate“miracles”inboththeinsideandoutsideworld.Ican’tprovethatthetoolsI’vegivenyouwork.ButIdoknowthatwhenIusetheseconceptsasthemodelformylife,myexperiencesaretransformedandIfindmyselfabsolutelyinlovewithlifeandeverythingthatitentails—allofit.Ican’tprovethatIamright...norcananyoneprovethatIamwrong.AsHughPratherwroteinThereIsaPlaceWhereYouAreNotAlone:

WHYCHOOSETOBERIGHTINSTEADOFHAPPYWHENTHEREISNOWAYTOBERIGHT?

HavingexperiencedlifefromthevantagepointofboththeChatterboxandtheHigherSelf,mychoiceisthelatter.Iwilldowhateverittakestoopenmyselfupmoreandmoretoamindandheartfilledwithlove,joy,creativity,satisfaction,andpeace.Thatismygoaland,havingusedthetechniquesinthisbook,Ihavetraveledmanymilestowardthatgoal.IlookforwardtothemanymoreIintendtogo.Itrustwewillmeetalongtheway...ifwehaven’tmetalready.

THECHOICEISMINE

WHENIAMTUNEDINTOMYCHATTERBOXItrytocontrolIdon’tnoticemyblessingsIneedIaminsensitiveIaminturmoilIamblockedIdon’tknowthatIcountIrepelImakea-differenceItakeIamboredIamemptyIamfilledwithself-doubtIamdissatisfiedIhavetunnelvisionIwaitandwait

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IamhelplessIneverenjoyIamalwaysdisappointedIholdresentmentIamtenseIamarobotIambeingpassedbyIamweakIamvulnerableIamoffcourseItrytocontrolIampoorIamlonelyIamafraid

WHENIAMTUNEDINTOMYHIGHERSELFItrustIappreciateIloveIcareIamatpeaceIamcreativeIcountIattractImakea+differenceIgiveandreceiveIaminvolvedIamfilledupIamconfidentIamcontentIseebigIlivenowIamhelpfulIamjoyfulIgowithwhatisIforgiveIamrelaxedIamaliveIlovegettingolderIampowerfulIamprotectedIamonthepathIletgoIhavesomuchIamconnectedIamexcited

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T hereyousit...filledwithallsortsofinformationabouthowtomakeyourselfpowerfulinthefaceofallyourfears.What’snext?WhatcanIsaytoyoutohelpkeepyouoncourseasyoucontinueonthenextpartofyourjourney?First,theencouragementandmotivationyouhavealreadyreceivedfromthisbookwillalwaysbehereforyouwheneveryouneedthem.When

youfeelyouaregoingoffcourseorarebeingbatteredbyoutsideforces,comebackandrereadthepartsthatmakeyoufeelgood.Also,sinceFeeltheFear...andDoItAnyway!wasoriginallypublished,IhavewrittenFeeltheFear...andBeyondtogiveyoupracticeusingtheexercisesyouhavelearnedfromthisbook.Themorepracticethebetter!

Thebiggestpitfallasyoumakeyourwaythroughlifeisimpatience.Rememberthatbeingimpatientissimplyawayofpunishingyourself.Itcreatesstress,dissatisfaction,andfear.WheneveryourChatterboxismakingyoufeelimpatient,askit,“What’stherush?It’sallhappeningperfectly.Don’tworry.WhenIamreadytomoveforwardIwill.Inthemeantime,IamtakingitallinandIamlearning.”

Whenwewakeuptothepotentialpowerwithin,ourimpulseistograbitall“quick.”Themorewegrab,themoreitseemstoeludeus.Thereisnoquick.Therearequick—andwonderful—seminars,workshops,books,andaudiosthatgiveyoutools,buttheyarenotquicktools.Theyaretobeusedandmasteredthroughoutalifetime.

Ilikenourimpatiencetoanincidentwithmysonwhenhewasalittleboy.Ishowedhimhowtoplantaseedinaflowerpotandexplainedthatsoon,fromthelittleseed,abeautifulflowerwouldappear.Ilefthimwithhisflowerpotandwentontodootherthings.MuchlaterIreturnedtohisroomandsawhehadplacedachairinfrontoftheflowerpotandwassittingtherewatchingit.Iaskedhimwhathewasdoing,andhesaid,“I’mwaitingfortheflowertoappear.”IrealizedIhadneglectedsomethinginmyexplanation.Sodon’tletmedothesamethingtoyou.

Sooftenwhenwearediscouraged,thinkingthatwearelearningnothingfromallourefforts,changesarereallytakingplacewithinus.Webecomeawareofthemlongaftertheyhavebeengoingon.Ultimately,mysondidhavehisflower.Onedayheawokeanditwasthere.Althoughitdidn’tlooklikeanythingwashappening,itwas.Andsoitiswithyou.

Oneday,IthrewalogonthesmolderingembersofadyingfireandreturnedtothebookIwasreading.Fromtimetotime,I’dglanceoveratthefireandnoticethattherewasnoflameyet.Therewasn’teventhesmokethatoftensignalsafiretocome.Then,asIstaredattheseeminglydeadfire,flamessuddenlyburstoutaroundthelog.Patiencemeansknowingitwillhappen...andgivingittimetohappen.

Again,itrequiresTRUST—trustthatitisallhappeningperfectly.WhatdoImeanby“perfectly”?Ihavecometobelievethereareonlytwokindsofexperiencesinlife:thosethatstemfromourHigherSelfandthosethathavesomethingtoteachus.Werecognizethefirstaspurejoyandthelatterasstruggle.Buttheyarebothperfect.Eachtimeweconfrontsomeintensedifficulty,weknowthereissomethingwehaven’tlearnedyet,andtheuniverseisnowgivingustheopportunitytolearn.Ifwegothroughtheexperiencewiththisinmind,allthe“victim”istakenoutofthesituation,andweallowourselvestosayYES.Thus,nomatterwhatishappeningatanyparticulartimeinyourlife,keepinmindthatitisallperfect.

Aslongasyoucanrememberthatlifeisanongoingprocessoflearning,youwon’thavethedisgruntlingsensethatyouhaven’tmadeityet.Myexperienceofthelastfewyearshasshownmethatsomuchofthejoyinlifeisthechallengeoffiguringitallout.Nothingisassatisfyingasthosemomentsofbreakthroughwhenyoudiscoversomethingaboutyourselfandtheuniversethataddsanotherpiecetothejigsawpuzzle.Thejoyofdiscoveryisdelicious.Iknowofnoexplorerwhooncehavingreachedhisorhergoalhasnotwantedtogooutandexploresomemore.

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ThechallengeistostayonthePathoftheHigherSelf.Itisafarmoreenjoyablejourneythantheotherpathsyoumaychoosetofollow.Youwillknowifyouareontherightpathbythewayyoufeel.Trustyourfeelings.Ifthepathyou’reonisn’tprovidingyoujoy,satisfaction,creativity,love,andcaring,that’snotit.Saytoyourself,“Okay,Itriedthis,andthisisn’tit.WhatelsecanItry?”Don’tbedeceivedintothinkingthatbychangingtheexternal,theinternalwillbechanged.Itworkstheotherwayaround.

Thepaththatneedschangingistheoneinyourmind.ThisisnottosaythatonceyoubecomealignedwithyourHigherSelf,youwon’twanttochangethingsinyourphysicalworld,butitisyourmindthathastobechangedfirst—thenallthatisrightwillfollow.

ThePathismuchliketheexperienceofclimbingamountain.Theclimbistough.Buteachtimeyoustoptolookaround,theviewbecomesmorespectacular.Youseeagreaterexpanse,andthe“flaws”oftheworldbelowdisappearasyouseemoreandmoreofthewhole.Asyouclimbhigher,youaredetachedfromtheheavinessbelow.Youfeellighter.Youfeelfreer.Andyouarepropelledhigherbytheincreasingbeautyyousee.

Fromthisvantagepoint,youbecomemorecompassionateaswell.Youmaydislikesomeindividualsintenselyfortheircruelbehavior.Butfromahigherplace,you’llseemoreofthewhole.Theseindividualsaremorethantheir“flawed”behavior.They,too,haveamagnificentinteriorplace,whichtheyhaven’tdiscoveredyet.Henceyou’llbegintofeeltheirsadnessandnotbesoharshinyourjudgment.

Thejourneyupwardisnotalwaysasteadyclimb.Youmayclimb,thenstopandrest,regroup.So,too,withthespiritualjourney.Sometimesitmayseemasthoughyouhavestoppedgrowing.Notso.Youarejustconsolidatingyourinformation.

Someofwhatyoulearnmayrequirethatyoudropbeliefsandbehaviorthathavebeenpartofyoufromthetimeyouwereborn.Sometimesyou’llexperienceanaha!andtransformationwillseeminstant.Again,notso.Suddeninsightsaretheresultofallthathashappenedbefore.YourSubconsciousMind,asthecomputer,searchesandsortswithoutyourawarenessand,whenyouleastexpectit,comesupwiththeanswer.Insightshappenmorefrequently,however,thefartheralongthejourneyyouare.TheConsciousMindletsgoofitsresistancetonewwaysofthinking.Itdevelopsmoretrust.Theinitialstagesarethemostdifficultandrequirethegreatestconcentration.

Sometimeswhenyouthinkyou’vefinally“gotit,”theuniversewillstepintoshowyouhaven’t.I’veadoptedaphraseofLenaHorne’sthatkeepsmehumble:“I’vecomealongway...maybe!”Ihavelearnedthatthereisalwaysmoretolearn.Andexperienceisourgreatestteacher.

ThatiswhyIamsoinlovewiththeagingprocess.Youthsorarelyunderstandswhatageallowsustoknow.Weneedtogothroughmanylifeexperiencesbeforethepowerwithinisbroughtforwardinallitsglory.Andaslongasweseeourselvesasunfoldingbeings,thereisnowishtogobackonesingleday—andagebecomesabeautifulthing.

OneofmyfavoritepassagesreflectingtheagonyandecstasyofourjourneyisfromTheVelveteenRabbitbyMargeryWilliams.Inthestory,twonurserytoys,theSkinHorseandtheRabbit,talkaboutbecomingReal:

“Doesithurt?”askedtheRabbit.“Sometimes,”saidtheSkinHorse,forhewasalwaystruthful.“WhenyouareReal,youdon’t

mindbeinghurt.”“Doesithappenallatonce,likebeingwoundup,”heasked,“orbitbybit?”“Itdoesn’thappenallatonce,”saidtheSkinHorse.“Youbecome.Ittakesalongtime.That’s

whyitdoesn’toftenhappentopeoplewhobreakeasily,orhavesharpedges,orwhohavetobe

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carefullykept.Generally,bythetimeyouareReal,mostofyourhairhasbeenlovedoff,andyoureyesdropoutandyougetlooseinthejointsandveryshabby.Butthesethingsdon’tmatteratall,becauseonceyouareRealyoucan’tbeugly,excepttopeoplewhodon’tunderstand.”

Thereissomuchexcitementandwonderinfrontofyou.Sometimesyouwillexperiencetheecstasyofbeingintheflow.Sometimesyouwillexperiencetheagonyofbeingwayoffcourse.Rememberyouarenotalone.Thisisaworldfilledwithanabundanceofsupportsystemsthatarethereforthetakingwheneveryouarefeelingtroubledbylife’sexperiences.Oneofmystudentssaidtome,“Ireadandread,andIassumeonedayoneofthosebooksisgoingtotake!”Ishotback,“No.Nothingisgoingtotakeunlessyoutakeit!”Andsoitiswiththisbookandeverysourceavailabletoyou.DON’TWAITFORITTOTAKE!TAKEIT!Useit.Liveit.Absorbit.UnlessyouusethemusclethatliftsyoutoyourHigherSelf,itwillweaken—justasyourbodyweakenswhenitisnotused.Ifyouthinkyouneedadditionalhelp,thenbyallmeansenlisttheaidofaprofessional.Takeaction.Nothingisgoingtoworkforyouunlessyoudothework.

SayYEStolife.Participate.Move.Act.Write.Read.Signup.Takeastand.Ordowhateverittakesforyou.Getinvolvedintheprocess.AsRolloMaywroteinMan’sSearchforHimself:“Everyorganismhasoneandonlyonecentralneedinlife,tofulfillitsownpotentialities.”Hegoesontosaythatjoyistheresultofusingourpowerstotheirfullest,andforthatreason,joy,nothappiness,isthegoaloflife.

Andwhatisjoy?Itissomethingthatexpressestheebullienceofthespiritualpartofourselves.Joyischaracterizedbylightness,humor,laughter,andgaiety.Lightenup.Ifyouhaveeverbeenaroundapersonwhoiscenteredandenlightened,youarestruckwiththeirhumorandabilitytolaughatthemselves.Allthebrittlenessisgone,andonlyfluidityremains.

ItooktimeasIwasinthemiddleofwritingthischaptertojoinintheHandsAcrossAmericaevent.1Asweallstoodsinging“HandsAcrossAmerica,”thethemesong,Ilookedatthefacesaroundme.Forthosefewmomentsintime,everyoneparticipatingknewtheymadeadifference.Itwasreflectedontheirfaces.Theywerejoyous.Theywereloving.Theywerecaring.Theyweretouchingthehighestpartofthemselves.Manywerecryingtearsofjoy.Itfeelssogoodtoalignyourselfwithsomehigherpurpose.Tobecomeinvolvedistoreduceourfear.Webecomebigger,wemoveawayfromthat“feverish,selfishlittleclodofailmentsandgrievancescomplainingthattheworldwillnotdevoteitselftomakingushappy.”Wemoveintotrueadultstatus,wherewehavemuchtogivetothisworld.

Socommit!Commityourselftopushingthroughthefearandbecomingmorethanyouareatthepresentmoment.Theyouthatcouldbeisabsolutelycolossal.Youdon’tneedtochangewhatyouaredoing—simplycommittolearninghowtobringtowhateveryoudoinlifethelovingandpowerfulenergyofyourHigherSelf.Whetheryouareabankteller,housewife,corporateexecutive,student,streetcleaner,teacher,filmproducer,salesperson,lawyer,orwhatever,it’syourstogive.Asyoulivethisway,momentbymoment,daybyday,inperfecttime,youwillfindyourselfmovingcloserandclosertoHome.TheparadoxisthatwhenyoustayclosetoHome,youcangoanywhereanddoanythingwithoutfear.TheDivineHomesicknessdisappearsasyoufindtheplacewhereweallareconnectedaslovinghumanbeings.Whateverittakestogetyouthere,FEELTHEFEAR...ANDDOITANYWAY!

1. OnMay25,1986,morethanfivemillionpeoplepaidtendollarstojoinhands,allatthesametime,andformalinethatstretched4,152milesfromNewYorktoCalifornia,alltoraisemoneyforthehungryandhomelessandtocallattentiontoAmerica’spoor.ItwascalledHandsAcrossAmerica.Back

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BibliographyMostofthefollowingbooksandaudioswereinmyheadandheartwhenthisbookwaspublishedin1987.I’veincludedafewmorerecentresourcesthatIthoughtyouwouldfinduseful.Enjoy!

Assagioli,Roberto,Psychosynthesis.NewYork:Penguin,1976.

Bolen,JeanShinoda,TheTaoofPsychology:SynchronicityandtheSelf.SanFrancisco:HarperSanFrancisco,1982,2005.

Canfield,Jack,TheSuccessPrinciples™:HowtoGetfromWhereYouAretoWhereYouWanttoBe.NewYork:HarperCollinsBooks,2005.

Chopra,Deepak,TheSpontaneousFulfillmentofDesire:HarnessingtheInfinitePowerofCoincidence.NewYork:Harmony,2003.

Cousins,Norman,AnatomyofanIllness.NewYork:BantamBooks,1979.

Dobson,Terry,andMiller,Victor,GivingintoGetYourWay.NewYork:DelacortePress,1978.

Emery,Stewart,Actualizations.GardenCity,NY:DolphinBooks,DoubledayandCompany,1977,1978.

Ferguson,Marilyn,TheAquarianConspiracy:PersonalandSocialTransformationinthe1980s.LosAngeles:J.P.Tarcher,1980.

Ferrucci,Piero,WhatWeMayBe:TheVisionsandTechniquesofPsychosynthesis.LosAngeles:TarcherPublishing,1982,2004.

Fields,Rick,withPeggyTaylor,RexWeyler,andRickIngrasci,ChopWood,CarryWater:AGuidetoFindingSpiritualFulfillmentinEverydayLife.LosAngeles:J.P.Tarcher,1984.

TheFoundationforInnerPeace,ACourseinMiracles.Tiburon,CA,1975.

Frankl,Viktor,Man’sSearchforMeaning.Boston,MA:BeaconPress,nd.

Gawain,Shakti,CreativeVisualization.P.O.Box137,MillValley,CA94941:WhateverPublishing,1978.

_______,LivingintheLight:AGuidetoPersonalandPlanetaryTransformation.P.O.Box137,MillValley,CA94941:WhateverPublishing,1986.

Hay,Louise,YouCanHealYourLife.P.O.Box6204,Carlsbad,CA,(800)654-5126:HayHouse,1984.

Hill,Napoleon,andStone,W.Clement,SuccessThroughaPositiveMentalAttitude.NewYork:PocketBooks,1960.

Holden,Robert,ShiftHappens!:PowerfulWaystoTransformYourLife.P.O.Box5338,SantaMonica,

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CA90409:JeffersPress,2006.

Jampolsky,Gerald,LoveIsLettingGoofFear.Millbrae,CA:CelestialArts,1979.

Jeffers,Susan.TheArtofFearbusting.P.O.Box5338,SantaMonica,CA90409:JeffersPress,2005.(1-hourCD—Alivetalk)

_______EmbracingUncertainty:BreakthroughMethodsforAchievingPeaceofMindWhenFacingtheUnknown.NewYork:St.Martin’sPress,2003.

_______EndtheStruggleandDancewithLife:HowtoBuildYourselfUpWhentheWorldGetsYouDown.NewYork:St.Martin’sPress,1996.

_______TheFear-LessSeries:InnerTalkforPeaceofMind,InnerTalkforaConfidentDay,InnerTalkforaLoveThatWorks.P.O.Box5338,SantaMonica,CA90409:JeffersPress,2005..(3AffirmationCDs)

_______FeeltheFear...andBeyond,MasteringtheTechniquesforDoingItAnyway.AFawcettColumbineBook,NewYork:Ballantine,1998.

_______FeeltheFear...andDoItAnyway.Carlsbad,CA:HayHouse,1992.(Unabridged4-CDset)

_______FeeltheFear...andDoItAnyway.ANightingaleConantProduction,ASimon&SchusterAudio,NewYork,2001.(Abridged1-hourCD)

_______TheFeeltheFearGuidetoLastingLove.P.O.Box5338,SantaMonica,CA90409:JeffersPress,2005.

_______ICanHandleIt!:50Confidence-BuildingStoriestoEmpowerYourChild.P.O.Box5338,SantaMonica,CA90409:JeffersPress,2006.(Forchildren3–7)

_______LifeIsHuge!:Laughing,Loving,andLearningFromItAll.P.O.Box5338,SantaMonica,CA90409:JeffersPress,2005.

_______TheLittleBookofConfidence.P.O.Box5338,SantaMonica,CA90409:JeffersPress,2005.

_______TheLittleBookofPeaceofMind.P.O.Box5338,SantaMonica,CA90409:JeffersPress,2005.

_______OpeningOurHeartstoMen.NewYork:FawcettColumbine,1989.

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_______,HowtoEnjoyYourLifeinSpiteofItAll.P.O.Box550,MarinaDelRey,CA90291:LivingLovePublications,1980.

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Kushner,Harold,WhenAllYou’veEverWantedIsn’tEnough:TheSearchforaLifeThatMatters.NewYork:SummitBooks,Simon&Schuster,1986.

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Prather,Hugh,ThereIsaPlaceWhereYouAreNotAlone.NewYork:DoubledayCompany,1980.

Probstein,Bobbie,ReturntoCenter:TheFloweringofSelf-Trust.P.O.Box550,MarinaDelRey,CA90294:DeVorss&Co.,1985.

Rann,Michael,andElizabethRannArrott,ShortcuttoaMiracle:HowtoChangeYourConsciousnessandTransformYourLife.P.O.Box5338,SantaMonica,CA90409:JeffersPress,2006.

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Sheehy,Gail,Passages.NewYork:BantamBooks,1976.

_______,Pathfinders.NewYork:WilliamMorrowandCo.,1981.

Sher,Barbara,andGottlieb,Annie,Wishcraft.NewYork:TheVikingPress,1979.

Small,Jacquelyn,Transformers:TheTherapistsoftheFuture.MarinaDelRey,CA90294:DeVorss&Co.,1982.

Williams,Margery,TheVelveteenRabbit.NewYork:Knopf,1984.

Williamson,Marianne,TheGiftofChange:SpiritualGuidanceforLivingYourBestLife.SanFrancisco:HarperSanFrancisco,2006.

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AcknowledgmentsEverybodyneedsacheeringsquadrootingthemon,andmycheerleadersaresensational!NancyMillerandChristinaDuffyatBallantineBooks,whomadethis20th-AnniversaryEditionhappen;MarthaLawrence,whosebeliefinandappreciationofmyworkmadetheoriginaleditionfinallyhappen20yearsago;DominickAbel,myagent,whonevergaveupandultimatelysucceeded;RuthVanDorenandthestudentsattheNewSchoolforSocialResearchinNewYorkCity,whogavemeareceptiveenvironmenttobeginteachingmyideasaboutfear;KathrynWelds,attheUCLAExtension,whowelcomedmyworkinCalifornia;DianavonWelanetzWentworth,thelatePaulvonWelanetz,andmembersofTheInsideEdge,whostoodonchairsandcheeredeverysuccess;RoslynHayes,myteacher,whomanyyearsagoencouragedmetostretchasfarasIcouldgo;SallyLefkowitz,aninspiration,whoshowedmewhatindomitablecouragelookslike;myloyalandcaringfriends,whoapplaudeverystepItake;mywonderfulsister,Marcia,whoisalsomybestfriend,andmybrother-in-law,Bruce,whodoessomuchtohelpthisworld;myfabulouschildren,GerryandLeslie,mystepchildren,AliceandGuy,andtheirmates,Michael,Anthony,andAshley,whoaddsomuchrichnesstomylife;and,ofcourse,myincrediblehusband,Mark,whowalksbesidemeandcomfortsmeeverystepoftheway.Ithankalloftheaboveforplayingsuchanimportantroleinthequalityofmylife.Thankyou!Thankyou!Thankyou!

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AbouttheAuthorSUSANJEFFERS,PH.D.,dubbed“theQueenofSelf-Help”byTheTimesintheUK,isconsideredoneofthetopself-helpauthorsintheworld.Herbookshavebeenpublishedinmorethanonehundredcountriesandtranslatedintomorethanthirty-sixlanguages.FeeltheFear...andDoItAnywaylaunchedhercareerasabestsellingauthor.SomeofhermanyothertitlesincludeFeeltheFear...andBeyond,EndtheStruggleandDancewithLife,EmbracingUncertainty,TheLittleBookofConfidence,TheLittleBookofPeaceofMind,TheFeeltheFearGuidetoLastingLove,andLifeIsHuge!Susanisamuch-sought-afterpublicspeakerandmediapersonality.SheliveswithherhusbandinLosAngeles,CA.Visit.


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Positive Psychology 101 - Perth College€¦ · Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway! Scientifically Proven Mood-Boosting Strategies • Counting your blessings • Practicing acts of kindness

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BURIED CHILD - News · kinds of people from everywhere. Everyone was dressed to the nines. Not like today. Not like they dress today. DODGE: When was this anyway? HALIE'S VOICE: This

BURIED CHILD - News · kinds of people from everywhere. Everyone was dressed to the nines. Not like today. Not like they dress today. DODGE: When was this anyway? HALIE'S VOICE: This

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What's pedagogy anyway? - Child Australia · 2017. 6. 13. · 2 : What’s Pedagogy Anyway?3 : What’s Pedagogy Anyway? What’s Pedagogy Anyway? : 3 CONTENTS Meet the authors 4

Anxiety - Self Help Guides · x Feel the fear and do it anyway: how to turn your fear and indecision into confidence and action Susan Jeffers Vermilion 2007 Will give you the insight

Anxiety - Self Help Guides · x Feel the fear and do it anyway: how to turn your fear and indecision into confidence and action Susan Jeffers Vermilion 2007 Will give you the insight

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1 | · CONQUERING FEAR Fear Fear in children Fear of darkness Fear of death Fear in animals Fear of thunderstorms Fear of the unknown Fear of water Fear of technology Fear ...

1 | · CONQUERING FEAR Fear Fear in children Fear of darkness Fear of death Fear in animals Fear of thunderstorms Fear of the unknown Fear of water Fear of technology Fear ...

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[2] Reports AntWhere AnyWay

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Brick School House, - Lycoming College · Brick School House, 1 Amberson's Valley ... and must be tiresome anyway. 1868 Letters - #106 43 ... Well, I fear I shall tire you sometimes,

Brick School House, - Lycoming College · Brick School House, 1 Amberson's Valley ... and must be tiresome anyway. 1868 Letters - #106 43 ... Well, I fear I shall tire you sometimes,

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Attacks Against 2Wire Residential Gateways...Cross Site Scripting (who cares anyway?*) Many, everywhere. There are some persistent ones too... Configuration Disclosure It was first