Farm Life Chapter 2

8/14/2019 Farm Life Chapter 2

1/27


2/27

Did I ask to be born? You have your farm but what doI have? He rolled his eyes and looked up at the ceiling as

his mother responded. You are so fortunate to have been born. You still haveso much going for yourself. Just last year you were doingwell in school. We used to study together. Remember?

Mom, that was like two years ago. By his sense of it,having lived so long in tension and constant change havinggone through so much the physiological effect in that time,two years, was the experience of several lifetimes. What ismore, she should have known that. That his mother who

was as old as shale remembered something was proof that itwas long ago, any embarrassing cute thing that sheremembered had to be something he out grew, his ancientself who in the present turmoil he would not be able torecognize, or want to. John only knew how he felt now.

Day after day he lied when he told her he had nohomework in high school. He hid his failing grades just tocreate his own situation for which he wanted the privatespace at home where he could manage his personal

problems from school. When he was a freshman hisrecurring nightmare was his mother bringing cookies to highschool, sitting in the back of the classroom and volunteeringfor every classroom parent chore.

John was embarrassed by his parents whose big claimwas that they cared about him. It was impossible to keepany but the most intimate secrets at home, in close quartersfor three people. Anything spoken between parents might aswell be broadcast. John had developed a permanent cringe.

They thought if they whispered about their demons theirchild would be too involved in his own world to hear. Heobserved and listened to them. He heard his mothersloathing of her own mother and his father who constantlywhined about Grandpa. John was too embarrassed to laughwith his friends about his home life like they did abouttheirs. He wished his grandfather was his father.


3/27

As the lowest and most defeated member of the familyJohn told his parents not to blame themselves, he said hewas making every effort he could to be a loser. He knew hisfamily were rich farmers because his friends told him and

later his reasoning confirmed it as all of the farms nearbyhad closed. That made him different when the mostimportant thing was to be like everyone, John decided tomake a fool of himself so that he might better fit in.

He wanted to be away from his mother who dideverything for him and had always been so close the airseemed to taste of her. She believed her job was to guidehim as well as house, feed and protect. Guidance was her

most important job since no matter what the outsidecircumstances were it was her guiding hand over which shehad the most control.

He had been drilled from birth with all of the schoolskills his mother thought he would need. She told what sheremembered from her pleated skirt and blue blazer days at

middle school. John was proud to be a leader, answering allof the teachers questions, sitting straight at his desk withhis hands folded until his knuckles turned white. He was akindergarten child when he first felt the eyes of othersturning to him for answers. His mothers heritage of socialresponsibility, likewise her own altruistic qualities and asense of moral responsibility surfaced in John. At ten he wasa speech maker while the other children snorted like littlehogs. A detached point of view made him feel set apart as

he judged the world and offering it direction. He expressedthe values learned at the kitchen table.Things got rough for John in middle school where they

began separating boys and girls. He learned to keep thevalue judgments that his mother was impressing on him tohimself after being beaten enough times by the kids who hecalled unwashed and inbred. His school mates were the


4/27

owner class of the town. A farmer rarely went to highschool. What he learned most from middle school was thathe is the product of two distinctly different but similar dirtclods. In high school John was a different dirt clod himself.

The difference being he knew it. The jocks and motor headsin high school were only vaguely aware of anything atanytime, and at some point the herd gaze fell on John. Itwas his own decision that he would rather have a few friendsin school and live than to be the futurist and social engineerhis mother was shaping him to be under the spiked boot of 300 lb football players. John was a mild bad boy in an eliteschool of the smartest and richest Now a radical Jeffersonianfarmer. He envied Jeffersons freedom to travel the world.

The voice of judgment which he heard becameinternalized and because of that voice he never became asclose to his friends as he wanted. He felt rejected by hisfriends because he could never be as close to them as hethought they were with each other. He watched from adistance his friends tortured lives. He envied their meancircumstances, the squalor, abuse, poverty, and desperation.Standing in an empty field on many a winters night herecognized the voices he heard from town, schoolmates

screaming in the night.Johns so-called successful family was no better. Hismother was so obsessed with having food to hand out,bread, applesauce, preserved meats, she delivered foodaround the county because they were farmers they had abigger fuel allotment. While kids at school thought they sawJohn with his family joy riding, if they saw anyone it was hismother scavenging flour to bake more loaves or makingdeals for yeast, bottled gas, eggs, milk and flour. Trading

whatever they didnt need for food for the hungry andhomeless. She did not know where to turn when Johnneeded new clothes. Despite what people said about hisfamily being rich John was far from being the best dressed.His were some of the oldest and most worn clothes of anyone he knew, hand me downs from strangers. Childrensclothes who got sick and died and on Xmas their unused


5/27

toys bought for the dead children by a parent who died orwhose kid died before the holidays.

Johns father was always out in the field or the tractorbarn, the light in the tractor barn was on half of the night.

His father worked hard and his mother gave everythingaway. That was as much as the sixteen year old coulddecipher of the social system and the reason people acted asthey did. He was able to satisfy the requirements of thefriends his age and create the environment he needed athome by being a clown and troublemaker in school. Johnresolved the constant problem he faced as an individual whoneeded to find his place in two different societies, school andhome. With one action it seems he had done that, a rather

elegant solution that made him feel proud to be a fool.

When the boys got in trouble the principal called Johnsparents because he knew John was the only one withparents who might respond. It was a cruel and efficientmove that also satisfied Principal Pelters curiosity. JohnMillers permanent record listed his parents income whichwas impressive and his mothers suspicious activities. Thelibrarian and the security guards reported John was the

leader and the biggest clown of the three, he was also themost nervous after the boys were apprehended.Being escorted to the office by guards gave John and

his friends one more thing to laugh about in the hall and itmade for one more occasion for his parents to talk to himwithout knowing what they are talking about.

Waiting on the bench outside the principals door theboys made sure John got the middle seat so they could givehim the treatment. They poked at him and made the sort of

noises in his direction which as the principal observed, theserural kids were so good at. Each boy looked and acted like aslightly askew version of the other. Even without a dresscode the boys all tended to look and dress alike. Girls on theother hand distinguished themselves by each trying to lookdifferent. Boys wearing blue jeans or khakis all disappearedinto the background while the girls were a flutter of primary


6/27

colors except a few who preferred black. Girls were onlyrequired in school to tone down the make-up and show theirfaces.

The procedure for interrogation of students did notchange with a schools location, city, suburbs or even here.Mr. Pelter called the boys in singly and sent them out withescort to create the feeling of suspicion and paranoiabetween them, he called the Miller boy last.

I have it all on my security tape. The principal playeda timed loop on the screen, the slapstick of teenage boys,the tall one tripping the short one, John, who fell onto asmall table and landed on his hands and knees crushing

something, it was all grainy, in black and white and nothingcould be distinguished. Without witnesses the tape couldhave been anyone. The ungainly looking one of the three didnothing in the tape but be nearby and looking on.

I dont think your parents are going to be too happy tosee this. John, the smallest of the three was filmed laughingon all fours above the display model on which he collapsedwith exaggerated guffaws.

The explanation was the weekly game they played as

the girls were marched out of the library and the boys classmarched in. The girls whose painted eye lids and pluckedeyebrows pointed like arrows to double and triple twirledpeaks of hair and their cheeks were iridescent with day glowpaint they came into view like traffic lights above crisp moistand usually bright red lips. Johns action let the young ladiesknow the success of their efforts.

Blinded by passion John was an easy victim when MikeWarners foot stuck under his. After he fell clumsily he could

not help but play it into a death scene. As for the NativeAmerican lodge made of newspaper glued to wire andpainted brown to look like buffalo hide and green spongesshaped with scissors into shrubbery looking far older thanthe twenty years it stood by the library door was crushed byJohns fall and spread in pieces all around him. Plastic ponieslay on their side.


7/27

His father who was always so serious would neverunderstand how his son could act this way. He never didanything stupid in front of girls. My father is working andmy mother is off handing out sandwiches. John told the

principal and hoped it was true. Then you will wait outside my door until one of themcomes to school. John expected to be escorted out while thePrincipal Pelter waited on the phone. Mrs. Miller, this is theschool principal calling.

What could be worse than destruction of schoolproperty, John wondered. It was a hateful destruction of adepiction of native life.

John was content to sit on the bench until his parents

came. When they flanked him he wanted to get up. Let melook at you, his mother grabbed his arm, are you all right?

Johns father had never been able understand a childnot wanting to be like his parents, he often confessed that.His mother only wanted to know who it was John wasaccused of hating and why. She knew her child could not beguilty. Just as she had been taught by her mother to be kind

to all of the little people underneath she was taught thesame of the different races. While she taught her son to livewith and not above people she taught him to respect allothers.

While containing her yet to be directed anger Marthawondered, is this the first display of a trait John inheritedfrom her to feel disgust and the urge to get as far away aspossible from home.

Mrs. Gladstone, the principals secretary who knew all

of the students and none of the parents when Jody wentthere did not know who he was until he said they wereJohns parents. John sat between Martha and Jody on thewooden bench adjacent to the door to Principal Peltersoffice. Since John was twelve and began ripening like cheeseinto a feisty pre-adolescent they seldom went anywhere, ordid anything that could identify them as a family, despite the


8/27

circumstance Jody felt proud being seen with his son.John stood, it was obvious he did not want to take a

chance of any of his friends seeing him with his folks.Urgently he twisted and jerked out of the seat. John had

always been a moody and difficult child. He never wanted tobe dads pal, he wasnt interested in tractor rides. WhenJody was a boy all it took was a disapproving look from hisfather and he was crushed. Martha did not know what to doabout his behavior. She had not been a discipline problemfor her parents. She internalized her revulsion until eighteenwhen she went away to the least likely school a girl from anold Virginian moneyed family might be expected to attend.There were years of studied silence in which she discovered

herself, met Jody and had a child. Once established as anindependent adult she rebuilt the relationship with herfamily. Her sons disposition was uniquely his own.

The meeting with the principal was for 9:30 and Jodynudged his wife every minute the hand slipped further pastthe six and after five minutes he got up to pester thereceptionists.

He will be with you shortly. The crooked old ladybarely looked his way.

This is on purpose. Hes making us wait just toimpress us that he can. After Jody sat back on the bench and nudged Martha

twice more until she got up. Will you please tell theprincipal we are waiting. My husband is needed on thefarm.

Ill remind him again. The secretaries gnarled arthritichands were as large as the side of her face as she held thephone.

Martha glared at the lady when she looked up. Go right in. We had a Bozo like this for a principal when I went

here. Jody said as he stood, not caring who heard. Justbeing in that office awoke resentment from his own teenyears. In his youth Jody was a mild one and not a wild oneyet he had the same things irritating him as did the kids who


9/27

got into trouble. Mr. Pelter was near the door as it openedtoward him and Jody was now concerned if he had heard theBozo comment, he gave Martha a quick look of foolishembarrassment.

His handshake was disconcerting to Jody, too long for astranger, not proper enough for an authority figure, soft andsickly, irksome enough for him to watch how he shook hiswifes hand. He pressed her fingertips between his thumband fingertips, a dainty shake, his tight smile turned to aleer. This man was not to be trusted, Jody felt at once andbetween him and Martha in silent communication theyimmediately reached the a consensus that they would nottake this mans word over that of their own son.

Mr. Pelter had the look of another in the parade of principals in sharp suits and polished shoes who hadmarched in and slouched out of the county school district.This rural district was a planned first step, no more than astopover in a procession headed to one of the coasts or thesun belt for higher paying urban and suburban positions. Hemust live in one of the rental apartments in town and had aset of weights in one of the spare bedrooms because there

was not a health club in this county. Mr. P took everyopportunity to attend professional training, seminars andleadership development courses where he spent half of thetime at the conference looking for his next job and theevenings went out binge drinking on the prowl for one nightstands. The University tried to cultivate him as a leader butso far he was no more than a clothes horse.

He wants power but this is the best he can do,intermediary between the town committees who decided

policy and teachers who heard it all before, students whoheard nothing and the irate public. Jody and Martha hadattended School Committee hearings before Martha becamesick.

She thought this school was as out of touch with trulyeducating the kids as was the one she attended but worse.Here they excluded and ruled against what was heretical,


10/27

science, and history, to only teach survival skills. Her oldschool weighed down the kids with what they needed toknow but was worthless, etiquette, television, and how to bea good consumer. Survival skills were appropriate in this

region where the climate was sometimes harsh, healthywheat shipped to be processed and returned as moldybread, and electrical service was intermittent.

Father returned to his farm work, he was too busy ortoo tired to involve himself, John was sent to his room to sitand do nothing before his mother knocked on the door andinsisted to came in to help him write his punitive essay.

Its not a punishment essay, his mother corrected

him, its an apology. Like it or not your principal caught youlaughing about the destruction of school property. It was just a card board box and papier-mch. Youre

the one who should be apologizing. Your farm is on Indianland, isnt it.

At that point Johns mother realized he was correct andshe proceeded with Johns guidance to write her own letterof apology. His mother showed his father the letter for himto add the specifics but as far a he knew the stealing went

on years earlier during the time of Andrew Jackson and thatthe original farm was bought from homesteaders after thecivil war. The first Miller had been a German officer whocame to train the Union Army. The first farm was boughtmany years later. John listening from his room and feltslightly noble learning that his ancestor fought to endslavery. And his father pointed out that it seemed unlikelythat his principal who everyone knew was from Californiahad any native American blood as he claimed. Every native

American his father ever met always identified himself by histribe and Mr. P did not mention a tribe. Maybe his fatherwas a traveling salesman. His father added for goodmeasure.

There was a rare smiles and laughter between thethree of them but nothing changed. John went back to hisfriends who he envied for having one parent who neglect


11/27

them at home and did not have to answer any questions andabove all had the freedom from responsibilities their povertygranted. Those kids did not have to be thankful for thingsthey resented.

When his father was not exhausted enough from workhe made it a point to keep his farm tidy, to look better thanmost of the neighbors. The nearest neighbor was Grandpa.John watched his father watching the Agri-Corp farmchemical ads on TV, he was a slave to whatever they soldhim just like the rest of the farmers who produced morefood than the world could consume just to have a little moreto sell than their neighbors. It was as uninspiring to John as

the fact that his parents were still together. It was excitingwhen parents split up.

He threw his mothers campaign to feed the homelessin her face by pointing out all the empty spare rooms in theirhouse. Her response was that she feared for the familyssafety.

If there was any relative he could identify with it had to

be the only other discontented one who lived a mile downthe road, his quiet and cynical grandfather. He had a stirringmemory of his grandfather long ago whispering a secret withhot moist breath pouring in his ear, grandpa swore John tosilence, he could remember the confidential wink heperiodically got from the old man for many years to followbut now he could not remember over what. But it he wassure it was a great secret that they shared when John was akid.

In a time when public figures kept the lowest profilespossible and politicians offered no leadership, most people inJohns high school Social Studies class could not name thecurrent President. His grandfather was Johns hero.

Grandpa called him Johnnie and one of hisgrandfathers secret winks, usually followed one of grandpasdifficult sprees, meant the world to the boy. It was after all


12/27

his fathers father. As grandpa was a difficult man John orJohnnie made a decision to be a difficult youth. It seemedhis grandfather had for a long time been tired of the farminglife but now kept at it for the sake of Jody and the rest of

the family. So in protest grandpa had become one of thosefarmers with a cluttered front yard.

John still had the girlfriend that was selected for him atbirth. He and Missy got to be friends when they were stillyoung enough to play together.

Chastity was common, for several generation theybelieved in a direct correlation between sexual experience

and several strains of incurable and for certain casesuntreatable diseases. Once government and the medicalindustry placed a dollar value on human life they were ableto draw a line separating who and what conditions weretreatable. The number of dollars changed with the economy.There was never a good year to contract H.I.V. andtreatment for cancer after fifty was questionable.

As a result Missy was more than his betrothed, for rural

people they often had marriages between children not olderthan 14 and virginity was once again respectable. Sex wasalso the agent that spread many diseases of a lingeringdeath because old cures no longer worked, and othersbecame incurable because such highly refined medicationwas not affordable. The health officials found it moreeffective to disseminate the terrible rumors than the facts, astrategy to which was agreeable to these farmers.

Missy painted her face heavily like most girls, there wasa time when she was everything Johns parents wanted forhim which John never got to know if he wanted for himself or with her. Missys parents were once nearby farmers butthey lost the farm, before that her mother took off whichwas when the visits to the Miller farm ended. Now that Missyand her father lived in town if he wished John could visit on


13/27

his own. Some of the other girls at school were far moreinteresting to him but he did not want to get married. Hewas frustrated by wanting a girlfriend but not wanting to getmarried. As a couple John and Missy remained chaste.

Recently John had been toying with the idea of dumpingMissy.

Instead John dumbed himself down and got in troublewith other boys. Everything was for laughs, to get thelaughs while they were still young. A grim future ahead of them was fairly evident although their small town was welloff unlike the cities from were wave after wave of homelessemanated. It made no sense how apartment complexes

could be empty while the unemployed in breadlines duringthe day waited at night for a mat to sleep on in the street.At least in the rural areas an evicted family one day couldsquat that night in an abandoned home in town and in timereturn to squat in their old farm house from where theycould watch others work their old land.

His mothers mission was to hand out sandwiches tothe poor in town. She and Grandpa complained about thepoliticians to whom everything was an omen for impending

and inevitable economic recovery, even the ten yearanniversary of the recession. According to them all that wasleft of the economy was food production and government

jobs.

Johnnie waited in the little shed at the end of hisdriveway for the school bus. The same shed he waited in onhis first day of school although he did not remember heknew it. His parents never tired of reminding him. When

they got to town it had stopped raining and so John madeone of his smooth moves around the side of the bus andacross the street darting through two abutting backyardsand into the next street. In his mind it was a smooth movebut there was little risk, attendance was hardly enforced andno one seemed to care. Approaching Main Street he sawmothers with children in the park. Dirty children ran wild as


14/27

mothers spread out sleeping bags, blankets and wet clothesto try and get them dry during this rare outbreak of sunshine.

The shapes of homeless men could be seen in the

alleys between the stores on Main Street, some had workedfor a little money and got drunk, others hurried home to atent clutching a loaf of bread and a jar of milk. Heavy loavesof bread and jugs from home of watery milk was all thosekids with swollen knees and elbows lived on. Main Streetalways smelled of iodine now from the weekly spraying. Thespraying was supposedly for public health but its realintention was to humiliate the homeless, mark them andmove them out of town, that was what Johnnies mother told

him. It seemed now everyone looked forward to the sprayinglike a Saturday night bath.Unless he ran into someone he knew or found

something else to do on the way Johnnie was heading tovisit Missy in the small house where she and her father nowlived. She stopped going to school years ago to take care of her father who was drunk on homemade corn mash all thetime. The arranged marriage was hardly spoken of anylonger but they were two people familiar with each other

and old habits die hard.After her mother left to pursue the life of a careerwoman in some big city the idea that this was a clean familyfell by the wayside. When John came in Missy made himanother pot of coffee from those same grinds after adding alittle bit of burned corn. Johnnie drank some to be nice.

Your mother was by the other day. She looks good, I wasglad to see her.

John nodded thinking it was a good thing she was not

coming by today. Even if the school did not care much aboutattendance, his mother expected him to finish high schoolwith an education and go on to college.

I still got a couple of your mothers sandwiches if youre hungry.

I ate at home this morning. John begged off out of pity. The coffee was making his stomach growl, Do you


15/27

have any milk for the coffee? Sorry, fresh out. Im going to send dad down to stand

on line later. Its such a nice day. Care to go for a walk.

I cant, she indicated her father who was sleeping infront of the weather channel. Most likely dreaming of the olddays on his farm.

It seemed like a long time ago that she was hisintended. The two mothers would have coffee and the twochildren would be left to play. Missy played with her toy babyand John tried to join in. He had never really put muchthought to having a baby, as years went by they went for

walks and talked of other things yet he always feltuncomfortable when the subject of their future child cameup. John always had a secret feeling that he wanted to findwhat his life was about by himself. Not from Missy and notfrom his father. It was like the dinner table, if someone said

Eat it, he wouldnt.He got to an age rather early when he had to be

dragged to visit Missy and her family. He told his motherthat something about Missys mother was creepy, her jerky

mannerisms and her darting eyes. The house smelled funnytoo and the visits were boring. Now he was glad he wasnever rude when he got there. He was glad he remainedfriends with Missy. They had talked about where babiescome from, neither knew and it was disgusting to suspectthe you know where parts, the source of all filth, diseaseand evil. They visited less often after her mother left thenfinally not at all after they lost the farm and moved to town.

Missy had always wanted something to take care of,

John was glad it was not him and it would not be their baby.Things had worked out alright for Missy, she now cared forher father.

At the door John held Missys fingers between his for asecond and it spoke of the world that might have been.Along with the marital arrangement was the deathly fear of sex. John could only imagine himself being a virgin for the


16/27

rest of his life, as for Missy, he did not know enough tospeculate. Have a nice walk. She said closing the door. Shelooked nice for that one moment, people look better withsun on them, even the homeless had a happy glow in broken

sunlight. Missy was squinting at the outside light but Johnimagined she could have also been smiling.His luck, he thought at the sight of approaching

weather, as he turned the corner back onto Main Streetclouds blocked the sun, then followed the loud steady drumand hiss of approaching rain, cold and encircling, he trottedthen ran back toward school as the distant sidewalkdarkened from the water racing toward him.

Sheets of rain running off the school roof were blowing

onto him. Let me in. He pounded the glass door while thesecurity guard smiled at him.The guard opened the door a crack, Principals orders,

no one gets in after eight. The guard was clearly getting agreat deal of enjoyment out of this.

Deciding that he could not get any more wet than hewas Johnnie began tapping on windows. When he saw theback of the principal at his desk he stood there and kepttapping until he was no longer ignored. Johnnie knew he had

gotten through when the security guard, now wet likehimself and no longer smiling grabbed Johnnies arm anddragged him to Principal Pelters office.

He said that you werent letting anyone in the school.Im going to tell my mother that you locked me out in therain.

Does your mother know that you were bunking schooltoday?

Yes, she does, she told me to go visit my fiance

whose father is sick. My mother is going to the next Board of Education meeting and shes going to make sure you loseyour job.

I dont think your mother can do that. I have a right tolock the doors to keep the student population safe.

My mother is on the School Board, she can get youfired. She could probably have you arrested for locking me


17/27

out. I have students rights. Im all wet. Go see the nurse, mamas boy. She has towels and dry

clothes. If I get sick you will be in big trouble.

John was at the point with his parents were they barelycommunicated at all. If there was anyone he could talk withat home it might be his mother but ideally it would be hisgrandfather, Big Ed. John admired the way his grandpaturned phrases that were nasty, bitter. hopeless and funny.John imagined that he understood his grandfather who wascontrary and sarcastic to everyone including grandma, butespecially to his son, Jody, Johns dad.

Grumpy and sluggish Grandpa thought everything wasmiserable, probably not worth the effort and likely to turnout wrong. John laughed at everything his grandfather saidand tried to sound just like him for as long as he couldremember. Of course talking to his grandfather was anominous thought, when he visited Grandpa he mostlylistened and agreed. John feared his own manner of speaking was not yet manly enough. It seemed to John theonly thing he admired about his own father was that he

could defend himself when he spoke with Big Ed.John knew by heart what he called his grandfathers big speech hearing it first when he was young, hisgrandfather started by asking Johns father, Why do youwant your son to grow up to be a farmer? To a small boylistening it was the funniest thing he ever heard, This farmkilled my father, theres no money to be made in it anymore.You place yourself in a toxic environment and run the mostdangerous equipment in the world and risk your life for

what? To pay the bank so you can be your own boss andmake no money year after year. Killing yourself to be yourown boss was a wildly comedic concept to John as an eightyear old who was being pulled in different directions by thedifferent adults around him who often asked about his plansfor the future. Did I ever show you my short fingers? Itwas like a trick before his eyes, half a pinky and the top of a


18/27

ring finger both blunted. Grandfather did not considered thesight of human mutilation a treat for a young boy but Johnlaughed. My father was killed by a piece of equipment. Grandpa added for zest.

He doesnt need to hear this. Jody struggled with hismother but she still carried him out of the room.But he could hear Big Ed, I saw my father cut to

ribbons. He bled to death in agony, caught by the chopperblades. You should be glad that your son doesnt want to bea farmer. I dont wish this life on my worst enemy.

John was relieved that his grandfather would probablynot hear about him bunking school. If the breakdown of family communication had a good side that it was likely to

be his parents not telling how much trouble he was having inschool.

Just the fact that they were in high school was anembarrassment, that John and the other boys werent toughenough to live on the street and that their parents still hadfaith in the system and imagined that their child might makethe necessary steps to rise through the system to some dayhave a house and to buy food maybe have an important job

that would provide them with plenty of fuel stamps and apersonal car. John and his friends at school played thecomplex game of being on line for the goods whiledenouncing the life that would give them those things. Hismother having organized her little army of food givers wasproof that someone who was on the inside could improvethings but the fact that it was his mother doing it madebeing a protester unappealing.

For the teens who were still optimistic that the future

would have a place for them they had the football team, thegun club or the bible belters who used martial arts to makesure an eye was traded for an eye, but for John and hisfriends there was just the blanket of laughter and mockerythey hid under. They werent in school for the sake of theirfuture but rather for the free meals.


19/27

Those who preached survival of the fittest like PrincipalPelter made a point of letting everyone know that John wasnot from a typical Iowa family, his family are still farmers.

Out of date hold outs who thought they were better than therest. They are making a fortune by exploiting the land. Itwas easy to despise the family farmer although theAgriculture done by corporations was vague and maybebecause of its size and facelessness did not offer acompelling target. That which was package and labeled, putinto palms size instantly edible form became loveable. It was

jealousy over wealth, real or imagined and the security theythought the farm family had on their land. A typical

consumer had no idea of the torturous route from productionto sale the small farmer had to endure. Agri-Corp supportedpoliticians put through laws and regulations to further snarecompetition, Agri-Corp was the devourer of the last refugeof the small farmer, the land.

John new that his family was splintered and full of

anger and tension. Thats what he loved about hisgrandfather who never spoke well of anyone.After bunking school in the morning John decided to

visit his grandfather before going home. At least he would ahave a few laughs before he got grounded. He and grandpaput heaping table spoons of instant coffee into mugs thengrandpa poured the boiling water and they poured inmountains of powdered artificial cream. Here comes yourdad. He is the biggest crybaby. Never comes over to be

sociable, its always a problem. Same way since he was akid, always had something to cry about. There was a quick double knock then Jody opened the

door for himself without missing a beat. Hey dad, I got aproblem.

John and grandpa both had blank expressions like therewas no conspiracy between them. What did I tell you?


20/27

grandpa said to John.John nodded his head solemnly.Dad and grandpa talked about a shortage of good seed.

John paid little attention until his grandfather turned to him.

This is the Godless marriage between nature, science, thefarmer and business. Ten years ago he wouldnt touch thismanufactured planting material and now every aggressiveyoung farmer wants to grow plants with sterile triploidseeds, one kernel is the size of a mans thumb and one earbig enough to feed an entire family at a barbeque.

Johns father spoke as though noticing him for the firsttime, You need to get home, young man. We got a call thatyou bunked school today.

I went to school, I just went to see Missys family intown. He knew that would fall on the conversation like ashroud. Its been a while since weve seen them. Everyonewas silent with their own thoughts until Grandpa jumpedonto the subject.

Now dont start telling me losing his farm was just thefree market eliminating inefficiency. That fellow was as gooda farmer as anyone, it was just bad luck anyone of us can benext. Turning to John, That is why you better not screw

around in school. You dont want to end up like thesefarmers. At the mercy of the bank and the weather andprices. I think we should all sell out and go south where itsdry.

My Dad says he wasnt a good farmer. John could nothelp himself, dissatisfied by the lack of confrontation, hewanted them to go at it.

Well no one is as good a farmer as your father. Grandpa said, in a different kind of mood, He would sit on

my lap on the tractor when he was a little boy and tell meeverything I was doing wrong. Thats why I had to get himhis own tractor and give him his own acreage to farm beforehe was a teenager and could reach up to slit my throat.

Jody approached the door choked with frustration, Dad, you cant help me?

I dont know anything about that fancy genetically


21/27

improved so called corn. I cant be bothered with all theextra fungicide sprays, going out and reapplying every otherday after a rain or ten inches of new growth. Grandpa grewconcerned, Youd be out spraying twice in one day on a day

like this. Then mocking, If you had gotten your cornplanted in time. He turned to John, Thats why you betternot screw up in school. You want to be out on equipment inthis rain. Sliding around in the mud. Farm equipment isdeadly dangerous. You stay in school, go to college and geta real job that pays every week instead of once a year.Leave the farming to businessmen and high school dropouts.

Come on boy, you got to go. Your mother has dinner

waiting for us. John stood, his eyes were rolling from super coffee thatwas half drunk and grandpa was waiting for answered, Idont want to be a farmer.

Inside the truck the windshield steamed up, Jodyadjusted the air system and drove slowly through anothersudden downpour. Your grandfathers father was killed by apiece of equipment. He was a boy and he saw it happen. Mygreat uncle told me it was brutal. His insurance saved the

farm. We probably would still be making payments on thisland if your great grandfather didnt have that insurance. The words were thoughtless, an echo coming out of his

fathers mouth. John had heard this story several milliontimes in some form since he was a child. In high school hehad learned about the farm crisis of old.

Revised history in the school books taught that thetragedy of those times might have been avoided if the risk of farming had been managed by banks and corporations as

they are today. That the best way to produce food was forlarge companies to do it. Family farms were an inefficientleft over from settler days. The tragedy of farming were thefarmer suicides because the producers of food in Americacould not afford to feed their own families.

Then it stood to reason that what they told him athome was also a lie. What happened was no equipment


22/27

accident.Johns teenage defiance of his family grew from the

resentment of being a child and having been told thesestories and still they expected him to be loyal to his family

who lied to him. If he was told without doubt his greatgrandfather committed suicide to pay the production debt onthe farm he would be confused about what to believe. Theinsecure child who saw father and forefathers as wise andstrong could not allow it.

How do you feel today dad? I feel fine, I feel fit.

Jody leans over his sons shoulder, Whats this? Its mine dad. John attempts to pull the carton of cigarettes from his fathers hand but it was no contest.

Dad. What did the doctor say? Im proud to tell you, I have some of the highest blood

pressure hes ever seen. The blood is not flowing, its justseeping through my veins. So thick it oozes.

Both grandfather and grandson laughed. Wheres mom?

Avoiding me. The grandpa answered. You need to get home. Your grandfather has to rest. Dont drag my grandson away from me, we were just

talking about sex. There is a lot he doesnt know and maybeyou dont know either. Thats what the generation todaydoesnt understand, or their parents. You have got to liveevery minute, drink the cream and squeeze all the flavor outof life. I feel sorry for you kids today, so afraid of everything.Life is not worth living if you are going to live in fear and

hide in the shadows. You cant stretch out your time onwhats left of the earth by not taking any chances. The boywas telling me how some of the couples today put on glovesbefore holding hands. Matching gloves mind you for coupleswho are steady. When I was young we took our chances, wetook the most chances we could get away with to see howfar we could go. It was a challenge for us to bite off more


23/27

than we could chew. Dad, the family wants you around for a few more

years. Why, so you can put me to work because everyone in

the family needs to work, to pay a few bills and try onemore year to keep our head above water? Im going to showyou whats wrong with you and your entire generation.Johnnie, open that refrigerator door.

In awestruck silence the boy quickly stood and did ashe was told.

There it is, my heavy cream you took from me lasttime. You took it off the table and put it away. You didntpour it down the drain to keep it from me or throw the

container against the wall to show me how concerned andpissed off you are. No, nothing goes to waste and no onegets excited anymore because your gutless generation wantsto crawl on its belly a few extra years before falling in thegrave. If thats living the way you want me to live - I dontwant it.

Oh God. From the next room came the sound of grandmothers exasperation, the breakfront rattling and theclink of glass against glass.

How are you mom? Fine son. After a pause the sound of TV in the livingroom turned down.

I need your dad, were a family and we want tosurvive. These are tough times and we want to send Johnnieto college. She called from the living room.

Son, when you wanted to become a farmer I shouldhave just handed you the keys and drove away.

Amen. Grandma called from the other room.

John knew that neither his father or his grandfathercould survive the way people had to survive these days. Tobe idle, aimless, standing on line all day for food. They wereboth overflowing with disappointment and were pulling eachother down in a circle of blame. At least grandfather hadstories about how things were and how they should be buthis father was blindsided and only had the deeply disturbing


24/27

idea that everything is wrong and nothing in the world hecould do would change that. John felt his mother whohanded out sandwiches to the hungry was the only one witha vague notion of reality but no idea how to survive in it.

We had just had that one good year to offset a lot of bad years. I could have gotten out at a perfect time but youmade me feel all sentimental. And I did not want to sell thewhole thing to you like I should have and been a savvybusiness man at the expense of my own child. You werethere with your bride and there I was instead of being smartand retiring then, I thought I could be a gentleman farmerwith a grandchild on my knee.

We have to go dad. Jody now pushed John out the

door. They had heard the rest of this story so often they allknew it by heart.Grandfather would go on about the second worst

economic thing, first worse is losing a crop. The secondworse is what happened to them, they had one bumper cropafter another, so much corn was grown in Iowa over thoseyears that no one could make any money. Producing a hugecrop worth nothing meant the farmers had to work likeslaves year after year. Jody, a college boy was one of the

production leaders of the county. His father however wouldnot follow suit. It seemed to him like others had a plan forhim to work until he dropped.

That would usually tick off father and he and grandpawould launch into the big fight where in the end everyoneblamed grandpa for being closed and unknowable. But hewould try to explain, he saw his father killed by the cutter. Itwas wrenching exhausting to listen.

John himself was so tired by the end that the words

and passions just hung like clothes on a clothesline. He hadyet to reach the age when he could understand it. Im glad we got out of there. His father said. Dad, what would happen if you did throw grandpas

container of cream at the wall? Grandma would probably go for a gun. Jody joked. Yeah! John said with enthusiasm and pulled his feet


25/27

up onto the seat to ride like a little kid and have some wildimaginings.

Where did you go today? Huh? As though disturbed from sleep.

We got the call from school, where were you thismorning? I went to visit Missy and her father. They were good folks. They still are. John began defensively then switched

to an attack, Just because her father couldnt pay somebills and had to sell his farm and his wife left him doesntmake him a bad person.

Listen John, I knew Tom just like you know Missy,

since we were children before school age. But I cant talk tohim anymore. There is something that changes a man afterlosing that much.

Did he always drink booze, he was sleeping on thecouch this morning, it smelled like bad stuff. John added,sorry for getting his dad so worked up.

Thats not what changes a person overnight. Hisfather sounded very insistent.

Again John regretted his words, only in recent months

had it dawned on him the significance of his grandmothersconstant wine and cocktails. The fragrance of a perfumecloud surrounding her.

They were home, John ran into the house in the hopesof getting past his mother unnoticed.

Now Johns father stood back to let his mother handlethe discipline. Jody has his farm and the things he does withhis hands, his own skills to hone and improve but for Martha

half of her ambition was in perfecting her son John.There are times when radical leftists and archconservative may find themselves on the same course of action but for different reasons. Because it was what shewanted to do Martha was able to justify being a stay athome mother, not because it was her place. Going to schooland conforming as a hedge against a questionable future


26/27

was not supported by her philosophy. In her youth it wasinstinctual for her to enter every competition at school andshe out performed the others but her son who did not likegoing to school also did not do well. She felt bad saying

things that were hollow for her and John picked up on thefeeling. His mothers request was more effective than anythreat or reasoning his father could come up with, she madehim feel like he had to try and do better.

Martha would have been aghast to learn that she madeher son feel guilty. Marthas mother never made Martha feelguilt. She made Martha hate herself and hate her. Johnnever felt so strongly toward his mother who was most of the time gentle and nurturing. School was a very basic

expectation, it was also a troubling and unsure time, schoolwas a stressful place and John told his mother and himself inall honesty he would try harder to do better and take it allmore seriously. Mother pointed out to John how many of thehomeless who she helped were lacking in basic educationand that made them unemployable.

The younger generations had missed out on manythings, Grandpa was right, they had missed the freedom andlicentiousness of his time. Once they feared an over

populated world now the fear was under population. Jodywanted to teach John to drive a car at twelve as was donewhen he was a kid but Martha forbade it. He would have totravel with a gun, she said, and I wont allow that. A gunto protect himself from the hungry and homeless. Kids todaymust like to stay at home was Johns conclusion regardingthat situation.

You cant miss what you never had, Jody tried to applywhat he felt for his son to himself, yet he did miss having his

son with him on the tractor and working on equipment as hedid with his father. He so looked forward to that when hesaw the child born to them was a boy that he ached for it inthe first years after when John showed a fear of loud toolsand equipment and a preference for staying home instead of getting in the tractor bubble with Jody.


27/27

Parents were not culpable and they had no obligations.Being disconnected from their lives John felt the forces

which allowed his comfortable distance were alsoresponsibility for circumstances they lived under and thesuffering innocents around them. That was the unspokenlesson he learned in his own way but would not share withhis mother.

Farm Life Chapter 2

Documents

Transcript of Farm Life Chapter 2