Fanwnak Issue 3
Transcript of Fanwnak Issue 3
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R.I.P. FANWNAK 2011 - 2011
FEATURING
NOT A LOT
T H E I C A N ’ T B E A R S E D A N Y M O R E I S S U E T H A T
E V E R Y O N E W I L L H A T E
0 1 0 7 2 1 1
1 2 1 2
3 2
1
ISSUE 3
F I N AL I S S U E
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info
Index Editorial 2
I cannot be arsed to do the rest
ContributorsGrant Foxon Artist
Teddy Ruxpin Guest Editor
FANWNAK is cobbled together andsqueezed out by Teddy Ruxpin.Front cover image stolen off theinternet from some crappy old filmand ineptly photoshopped withanother stolen picture of Matt Smithas Doctor Who all by Teddy Ruxpin
Doctor Who and any images used in this publicationare ©BBC and have been nicked.
Well, here we are again for the last time!Ha Harr! You fell into my trap DOCTOR!!!! Oh, umm.. bugger, you’re notthe Doctor at all are you? You just sort of look like him. No maer, I havesnared another innocent victim and now you are at my mercy you Wnaker! .
Issue 3 eh? It’s a bloomin’ miracle. It really is. edust has seled on Fanwnak 2 and the staples are probably rusty and falling out. Good. Oh, hi, B.T.W, Iam Teddy Ruxpin, the new guy and I’m here to seeoff FANWNAK. at bastard Sco Burdi has ranoff with all the decent articles and is making a new fanzine leaving me in charge. Good luck you git. As a crappy Teddy bear I have no idea how to makea Fanzine but Sco didn’t either, so I hope you
don’t notice. As I stare at a blank screen I ask myself what shall Ido? In the reader survey (which Sco forgot toinclude in the last Issue) thousands of you wrotein to vote for your favourite articles so far of
FANWNAK but I just binned them as I can’t bearsed reading them. Anyway, TORCHWOOD was total WNAK wasn’t
it? I think it was a test to see if you could actually bore an audience to death.It felt like a never-ending torturous bloody death wading through all ten padded out episodes and I hope it never comes back. Captain Jack goes to America. Great. Now stay there. Well, I have to admit that remainingcontributions to this issue are still of high quality but unfortunately very thin on the ground . I suppose, that’s what you get when you call a Fanzine
FANWNAK. OK , enough of my bolox.Teddy RuxpinGuest Editor anda total WNAKER
FANWNAKeditorial
Well, you didn’t think it was real did
you? Well... below, is the
solution to Issue 2’s
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WHYRUSSELL
T. DAVIESRAN OFFTO THEUSA.(A.K.A How to lose Doctor Who fans and alienate people)
By GRANT FOXON(representing the militant fanbase of Who or RMFBW)
I love PROPER Doctor Who I.E 1963-1989. I knowall those people out there who get a hard-on for CGIand Transformers films may struggle with the conceptof strings showing, black and white television and Adricbut bare with me. I like well written stories andcharacter development. I like a programme that has atruth and even a courageous feel to it. Almost like apassive revolution. Even Colin Baker I like.
What I don’t like.When Doctor Who came back I was excited. So
much so I had a peculiar wet dream involving a Rillthat looked like my mother in law and a PVC Voord.(I’m not going to go into details here because it’s crudebut it did involve a full tub of industrial strength KYJelly). Then it came back. After the end of theEccleston era I felt cheated. The Doctor hadregenerated into a gypo northerner who was aslikeable as a gypo northerner. The Tardis never visitedone other alien planet, but can visit the same councilestate 4 times including different time zones, and thenew companion had the face of a gerbil, and theconsole room now looked like a set from Farscape.
Then he regenerated. He still hardly visited an alienplanet and the stories were dodgy including an awfulfinale involving Daleks and Cybermen. They thenintroduced Bonnie Langford Mark 2 and it got worse.
Then came the worst Doctor Who episode ever. The
End of Time. The Master has now become a super villain who is resurrected by a cult of prison guards, thetime lords are back without any real explanation andthe Doctor visits every single companion as he is dyingand regenerating.
Utter Bollocks. And look at Torchwood. Is there a single episode
that is not a rip off of a horror sci-fi movie or TV show?I now wish that lefty talent less Welshman never got
his hands on my programme. The BBC now whore theshow out for merchandise and I’m forever screamingat kids who I overhear talking about MY programme.
I shall rewatch my VHS tapes and remember a moreinnocent time of my youth when the show was my life.I shall also continue to see my councillor.
Love Always.Grant Foxon
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Fartwork
submissions
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censored
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This is a mockup
of the cover of
FANWANK just for
you Mr FoxonP.S. W.T.F were you thinking?
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+++ THE PORN EDITION+++
TOP OF THE PONDSREGENERATION LET’S REGENERATE! ARE THE RIGHT EPISODES LOST?LOOKING FOR A CHICKEN DINNERDO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME? AND MUCH MUCH LESS!
W H Y A R E Y O U R E A D I N G T H I S B I T . O P E N T H E
P A G E S
A N D T H E R E I S L O A D S O F G O O D W N A K I N S I D E !
+##%!"
"$
"') "
(*#"&%' TO UC H
M Y WOO D
censored
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coz we know you love Cheese!
EXCLUSIVE
FREE MASK!!!
Yes, we stole this picture too >
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sponsored by
W N A K E R S
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WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ISCORPORAL BELL?
Following last month’s UNIT
reunion in a Top Secret location,
clearly indicated as such with a
bloody great signpost, there was
only one topic of conversation
among the many retired troops:
“Where’s Corporal Bell?”
Actually that’s not entirely true,
there were a fair few others such
as “Sometimes I still see Gel
Guards”, “How many fingers did
you get in Jo Grant?” and “Did you
ever got to the wrong HQ by
mistake?”
Attendance was down on the
previous year owing to people
dying of possible young age and
confusion over old age. Very few
of the troops could even
remember which decade they
were in UNIT for and when asked
to describe the scientific advisor
several couldn’t even get the hair
colour right.
So where is Corporal Bell? Well
our intrepid researchers havefound her alive and well and living
in Sandhurst. She not only earned
promotion but also married Henry
Bleed in either 1979 or 1989.
She’s now known as Major Bleed,
which ironically was her nickname
back in the old days too.
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Our article submissions...
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Dear FANWNAK. What the bloody
HELL do you mean this is the last
issue? I don’t want it to end. I refuse
to let you die. You’ve still got potential
even though the ratings are down.
DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER
THERE!! Why does it have to end?
What do you need? Money? I’ve got
millions from selling sh*t. FANWNAK
is my life. It’s all I live for and if you
take it away from me I will kill myself you selfish bastrads.
Mr S. Cowell Age 61
America
Dear FANWNAK, I don’t know why I
am bothering to tell you this as you
probably already know what I am
about to say... Let’s be honest about
it. I’ve run out of good Doctor Who
plots and resorted to duff jokes and
timey-wimey confusing sh*t that
baffles even me, the kids and the
BBC, so I’m thinking of jacking it in
before someone find’s out. What
prompted this confession was that I
logged on to something called theInternet and had a massive girly
scottish hissy fit when I read pages
and pages of crappy feedback. So in
future I will keep telling people I don’t
use the internet to look at their
reviews as I can’t handle criticism.
#DRPOO
Mr S. Moffat, Age 95
I sent the BBC £1000 in used five
pound notes in the post. Hopefully,
this will help fund another 4 very
obvious Doctor Lite episodes next
year.
Mr I. Amnowskint, Age 28
Tintin? What a load of sh*t.
Nan. Age 85
Postcard
What do you mean it’s the end?
Noooooooooooooooooo!
#Noooooooooooooooooo!
Mr D. Vader Age Undisclosed
R.I.P FANWNAK. I can barely write
this as my eyes are still full of salty
tears. How can I ever distill my
feelings about FANWNAK into just
three words? How about... Theperfect trilogy.
Mr S. Ulking Age 58
So this is it eh? Well, Fanwnak really
wasn’t my cup of tea anyway. Some
of the articles were brilliant but as a
whole it wasn't the sort of fanzine
than appeals to my personal tastes
as I prefer russian granny hypno-
porn.
Mr A. Rsehole Age 44
So you’re regenerating eh? Well,
good luck Mr f*cking BANDRIL.. Oh,
and I really hope that CSO brings a
warm fuzzy yellow glow to your anus. A bit like them old Ready Brek
adverts.
P.S. I hate Ready Brek.
P.P.S and I hate Coldplay
Mr T. Hereishopeyet Age 83
By the time I get to read this, you will
have uploaded all issues of
FANWNAK for FREE and I will be
everso smug that I didn’t have to
support you as a print fanzine and
pay for a copy. Your glossy pages are
wasted anyway. Die FANWNAK. Just
bloody Die! Ahhhh... that’s better.
Right I’m off to download a shed loadmore Fanzines for free, the way it
should be. Haven’t you guys ever
heard of the internet? I wish that all
print zines would go to hell. Pretty
Damn Free (PDF) forever!!!
Mrs F. Reeloader Age 21
Shouted through letterbox
FANWANK. FANWANK. FANWANK.
FANWANK. FANWANK. FANWANK.
FANWANK. FANWANK. Can’t you
guys spell? Did you go to skool?
Mr S. Fry Age 51
Turkey
This is my first and last letter to you.
Thank God this monstrous publicationis dead. You do realise that Doctor
Who is for kids and all this swearing
in your zine is f*cking unacceptable.
Right. I’m off to download some more
sh*t rap music from Piratebay.
Mr P. Rudishbastard Age 8
St Helens
CSO? Really. Well goodbye Scott you
tw*t. Don’t you know that the rest of
the industry call it Chroma Key? You
Idiot.
Mr I. TV Age 56
I might aswell put the boot in too. ByeBye you useless bastrads
Mr T. Achyonfunnel Age 62
Where has my article gone?
Mr N. Pope Age 46
Somewhere on Mars
Just three issues and our doormat is stilllittered with reader responses. OurPostman is off with a bad back and it’s all
your fault. Here is just a few of themessages now involved in a personal injuryclaim. Don’t bother sending anymore.
Letterbox
EVERYDAY THINGS
THAT REMIND ME OF WHONo. 3 : VARDAN
CAMBODIA A REAL HOLIDAY DESTINATION!
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Why not sample traditional Cambodian cuisine? Like dog or roadkill? Or even fellowhumans? In Cambodia we have great diets, in fact none of our peasants in our fields eversuffer from obesity. It’s true. That is because of excellent Cambodian diet.
Have you ever wanted to time travel? Well, here in Cambodia you can experience thisfirst hand with our year one policy. Travel back and help us work the fields as a peasant.You never know you might just buy our ideology. Here in Cambodia we are naturalsuppliers of various conditions such as malnutrition and dysentery, which we truly believe
in sharing with all our happy guests. We have first-rate accommodation whether you’resleeping in a mud hut or just lying on some hay, you’ll be pleased with our service. Nowremember folks, no cameras, you could be a western agent. I hope you’ve enjoyed ourlittle advert and remember folks, to come and explore Cambodia with the Khmer Rouge.Then why not come and eat at Pong Ji traditional restaurant only three day by goat fromCambodia.If you want to experience real Guerrilla fighting or just relax with our youngprostitutes, we cater to all needs. We’re also recruiting now so why not come and spendyour GAP year here in our wondrous massage parlours?
n s t e r I n v a s i o n ) . 3 6 . A d i p o s e . 3 8 . M o ( a s i n M o F o ) . 3 9 . B u s t . 4 0 . E d ( T h e E d i t o r ) . 4 1 . I l l e g i b l e . 4 3 . B o e . 4 4 . P o e . ( P l a n e t O f E v i l ) . 4 5 .
M i n g m o n g s . 4 6 . Z y g o n . D o w n : 1 . A c r o n y m . 2 . L u b e d . 3
. N i m o n . 4 . Y a n a . 5 . C y b e r k i n g . 6 . S t a r g a t e . 7 . I n t r o . 8 . G y r a t e . 1 5 . O f c o m . 1 7 . S c r e a m s . 1 8 . L a p t o p .
O M G . 2 5 . D o b b y . 2 7 . S
l i t h e e n . 2 8 . O n a n i s m . 3 0 . O z ( D o r o t h y ) . 3 2 . G i l l a n . 3 3 . D
o d g e m . 3 4 . G o d . 3 7 . E l b o n . 3 8 . M e e p s . 4 2 . F e z . 4 3 . B o g . B l u e B o x P u z z l e : A l t . U n i v e r s e N i n t h D o c t o r ? A n a g r a
m : " D r . L a z e r R a g e " , a s s p o o f e d b y C h r i s t o p h e r E c c l e s t o n .