Boundaries

Why do I need Boundaries?

“I’m forty -tw o years old and I’ve finally

figured out w hat I don’t w ant. Now all I have

to do is figure out w hat I w ant.”

- Anonymous

- Beyond Codependency- Melody Beattie

Why do I need Boundaries??

Eve ryo n e n e e ds h e alth y bo un darie s !

Boundaries define our personal space. They help us create

safety and take care of ourselves.

We do not have control over other people, places and things. We only have

control over ourselves.

The first step in having boundaries is to know we have the right to take care of

ourselves and to get our needs met. We not only have the right, but the duty to

take responsibility for how we allow ourselves to be treated.

From Boundaries:

W hat Are They and W hy Do They Matter? Joan Gold MFT

What are boundaries?

Are Boundaries r u les for others?

No

Boundaries are limits for m e !!!

Boundaries and alcoholism

Everyone whose life touches an alcoholics is in one way or another

affected by his disease.” H.T. Milhorn Jr., Chem ical Dependency

“To maintain the system, family members must adapt,

but there is no healthy way to adapt to alcoholism.”

W hat are som e com m on w ays that fam ily m em bers adapt??

Co depen den cy and en ablin g behaviors are commonly used by family

members of alcoholics as a way of coping with the disease.

Codependency

Co de pe n de n cy

“A codependent is one who lets another’s behavior

control him or her and who is o bse sse d with

controlling that person’s behavior”. Melody Beattie

Codependency QuizAr e y o u co d ep en d en t ?

http:/ / quizilla.teennick.com/ quizzes/ 4513150/ are-you-codependent

• Do you have family member (s) abusing drugs or alcohol or who have major psychological problems?

• Do you feel forced to help someone solve a problem they have?

• Do you feel unappreciated or used?

• Do you ever feel guilty when you do something for yourself?

• Are you indecisive?

• Are you afraid of making mistakes?

• Do you blame yourself for most everything?

• Do you get feelings of self-worth from helping others?

• Are you afraid to be who you are?

• Do you take care of others more than you take care of yourself?

• Do you come from or are you living in a troubled or dysfunctional home?

• Do you pretend that things aren't as bad as they really are?

• D you tolerate abuse (in any form) in order to keep someone loving you?

• Do you try to say what you think will please others?

• Are you very controlling of people or events?

Codependent traits

Low self-esteem Poor boundaries

Dysfunctional communication Dependency

Intimacy problems Denial

Control Perfectionism

Reactivity Caretaking

Pleasing others and giving up yourself

Addiction to substance(s) or process

Enabling

En ablin g “is doing things for someone that they co u ld , and s ho uld do

For themselves. It is taking care of an addict (or others) to help them

avoid the pain and consequences of their behavior.

Exam ples:

o Making excuses for the alcoholic's drinking or behavior.

o Lying to cover up for someone.

o Given them “one more chance” time and again.

o Taking on someone else’s responsibilities even when they are

capable of doing so.

H elpin g is doing something for someone that they are

n o t capable of doing for themselves.

Healthy families

Traits o f H e alth y Fam ilie s Traits of a Healthy Fam ily Dolores Curran

communicate and listen

affirm and support one another

teach respect for each other

develop a sense of trust

have a sense of play, humor

exhibit a sense of right and wrong

have strong family rituals and traditions

respect each other's privacy

engage in meal time and conversation

share leisure time together

admit to and seeks help for problems

H ealth y fam ily m em bers h ave h ealth y bo u n darie s !!!!!

Detach with love

Detach m en t

is based on the idea that everyone is responsible for them selves

Detachment is the idea that someone’s behavior can be separate from the person. It’s the

idea that we can love a person but hate their behavior. When we practice detachment, we

can view someone’s outrageous behavior as being their issue without taking it so personally.

We can still love them even though their behavior is unacceptable at times.

“I didn ’t cause it, can ’t cure it, can ’t co n tro l it, but I can co pe”

"le t g o & le t Go d “ "le t g o o r b e d r a g g ed “

“ho w im p o r t a n t is i t ?” “liv e a n d le t liv e”

Boundaries - first things first

Bo un darie s are limits for me that say :

This is how far I shall go.

This is what I will or won’t do for you.

This is what I won’t tolerate from you.

Boundaries – easy does it

“Having boundaries doesn’t complicate life;

boundaries simplify life. We need to know how far

we‘ll go, and how far we’ll allow others to go with us.

Once we understand this, we can go anywhere. “

Beyond Codependency- Melody Beattie

Boundaries – let it begin with me

How do w e know w hat healthy boundaries are?

By doing what is in our best interest.

Ask yourself

how do I protect my recovery and/ or serenity in this relationship?

Communicate your limits and boundaries when everyone is calm.

Always, always, always follow through on your promises. Never make idle

threats.

You might be tempted to make a threat that you do not intend to follow

Through with. Do n ’t do it!!!!

Only set limits that you fully intend to enforce.

http:/ / www.spiritualriver.com

Boundaries - live and let live

Exa m p les o f hea lt hy b o u n d a r ies :

I will not loan you money in the future.

I will not bail you out of jail.

I will not make excuses for your behavior.

I will not engage in angry exchanges or arguments.

If you want to act crazy, that’s your business, but you can’t do it in

front of me; either you leave or I’ll walk away.

You can spoil your fun, your day, your life, that’s your business-

but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day, my life.

Boundaries – keep coming back

Alw ays , alw ays , alw ays fo llo w thro ugh o n yo ur pro m is es . Say

what you mean and mean what you say; but don’t say it mean.

Only set limits that you fully intend to enforce. Bo un darie s require

co n s equen ces .

Exa m p le

Boundary:

I will not allow drug use in my home.

Consequence:

If you use drugs in my home I will ask you to move out.

Communication boundaries – courage to change

Whether your loved one is in their addiction or new to recovery,

sometimes a well meaning, simple discussion can turn futile.

These responses are neutral, kind and loving without giving way to

anger, confrontation, frustration or resentment:

• I'm sorry you feel that way.

• I'm sorry you're sad (or unhappy, or lonely or frustrated)."

• That just won't work for me.

Or just walk away calmly, without any discussion, anger or invoking of

your own punishing intentions.

If yo u do n 't take th e bait, th ey h ave n o w h ere to go .

Carole Bennett, MA

Communication boundaries - keep it simple

Exa m p les o f hea lt hy co m m u n ica t io ns b o u n d a r ies :

When you’re doing what’s right for you, it’s okay to say it

once and then refuse to discuss it further.

It’s ok to say” I have to think about it”; you don’t have to

answer every question on demand.

It’s ok to say no if that’s in your best interest.

“Say what you mean, mean what you say,

but don’t say it mean.” - Al-Anon slogan

Let’s practice

Boundaries WorksheetBoundaries“Boundaries are limits for me that say ”This is how far I shall go. This is what I will or won’t do for you. This is what I won’t tolerate from you.” Key to boundaries is making decisions based on doing what is right for you, but make sure to check your motives.

Tips: Keep it simple. Only set boundaries you are willing to follow through on and decide what you will do if your boundary is crossed (consequence). Don’t forget to frame your boundary as an “I statement”.List some boundaries with consequences you want to set for yourself:

Example: Boundary: I will use detachment to avoid engagement in an argument or angry exchange.

Consequence: If you attempt to engage me in an argument I will walk away.

1.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________2.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________3._________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________4.__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

One day at a time

Wo rk yo ur pro gram :

• attend treatment

• attend12 Step meetings : AA, Al-Anon

• build a supportive network

• engage in healthy self care

• get a sponsor & work the steps

• set boundaries for yourself

• recover !!!

The s er en it y p r a y er

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can ,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

So urce s

Alcoholism Is a Family Disease By Buddy T, About.com Updated: December 24, 2007

Beattie, Melody “Codependent No More”, “Beyond Codependency”

Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery

Sharon Wegscheider Cruse “Another Chance, Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Family “

Lenhart, Ann Marie, LCSW “Enabling: When Parents Who Want to Help Teens End Up

Hurting Them”

Ginn, Esther, RN, MPA, CSASC, “The Co-Dependent Parent”

Al-Anon Family Programs Literature

Alateen- Hope for Children of Alcoholics

Boundaries: What Are They and Why Do They Matter? Joan Gold MFT

www.tgrsm.org

www.cresentlife.com

http://www.spiritualriver.com

http://video.about.com/stress/5-Effective-Tactics-for-Conflict-Resolution.htm

http://quizilla.teennick.com/quizzes/4513150/are-you-codependenthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-bennett/communicating-with-an-alc_b_383604.html#es_share_ended