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Running head: A FATHER LEADS HIS FAMILY IN PRAYER 1

A Father Leads His Family in Prayer

Brandon Steenbock

Wisconsin Lutheran Seminary

August 21, 2013

A Father Leads His Family in Prayer 2

Why we need fathers to lead

Church leaders, those engaged in family ministry, and researchers in family science have

all observed that one thing our society needs more of is fathers who are interested and involved

in the lives of their children. Research on families has revealed the incredible influence fathers

have on their children, both in spiritual matters and in non-spiritual matters, if there is such a

thing. Concern about this issue has prompted Focus on the Family, one of the foremost Christian

organizations that minister to families, to create an entire community called “Dad Matters” to

discuss and address fatherhood issues and encourage men to be more proactive.

Prayer is one of those critical spiritual matters where fathers need to be leaders to their

children. No person naturally knows how to pray. While the convicted sinner might be inspired

to cry out to God, without instruction that sinner will not understand how and why he can

approach God as a Father, or what kinds of prayers are acceptable, or why he can trust that his

prayers will be heard and answered. Much less will he know how to build and maintain a

thriving prayer life.

This is where the influence of a father can be of great benefit to his children. Through his

instruction, example, and guidance, his children can grow to understand the power, purpose, and

practice of Christian prayer. This paper will demonstrate that this function of fatherhood is not

merely a good idea, but is actually called for in Scripture. It will explain from a family science

perspective why fathers are uniquely influential in the lives of their children. It will address

some of the challenges fathers face in leading their families in prayer, as well as some of the

blessings to be found when rising to those challenges. Finally, it will offer practical suggestions

for various means by which a father might lead his family in prayer.

What Scripture Says


The word “father” occurs many times in Scripture. Not all instances of the word apply to

the role of a father in his family. Not all verses that provide direction for fathers use the word

“father”. Yet, Scripture does contain many statements that Christian fathers are wise to heed.

While there is no verse that says, “Fathers, lead your family in prayer,” Scripture’s direction does

indicate taking spiritual leadership. Prayer, as an important spiritual exercise, would naturally be

included in spiritual leadership.

In Deuteronomy 6:6-9, God gives his Old Testament people the clear direction that they

are to pass his Word on to their children, and he places it squarely in the context of the home and

family.

“These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress

them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk

along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on

your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of

your houses and on your gates” (Deut. 6:6-9).

The direction in these verses implies a constant activity. Leading his family spiritually is not

something the father is to do only one time, or once a week, or when he feels like it. Rather, he

is directed to do it both at home and on the road, in the morning and in the evening, to make it a

part of his every day life and part of the very structure of his home.

Throughout the Old Testament is the thread that a father is to pass on his wisdom and the

teachings of the Lord to his children. When Joshua led the people to the promised land, he

challenged them to choose whom they would serve, but set the example with the words, “As for

me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Josh. 24:15). The Psalmist picks up the thread

when he says “I will open my mouth with a parable; I will utter hidden things, things from of old


— things we have heard and known, things our ancestors have told us. We will not hide them

from their descendants; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord”

(Psalm 78:2-4).

Proverbs instructs children to listen to the advice of their fathers (Prov. 4:1; Prov. 23:22).

It also instructs fathers to “discipline your children, for in that there is hope” (Proverbs 19:18).

At the heart of discipline is instructing a child in the ways of the Lord. It further speaks of the

blessings to be found when a father does so. “The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man

who fathers a wise son rejoices in him” (Prov. 23:24). “The righteous lead blameless lives;

blessed are their children after them” (Prov. 20:7).

The New Testament continues the thread. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Father’s do not exasperate

your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Paul uses a

similar thought in Colossians 3:21 when he writes, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or

they will become discouraged.” We could spend time discussing under what circumstances a

father might exasperate or embitter his children, but it would suffice to say that a way to avoid

such things is to make faithful use of God’s Word and set a loving example of spiritual

leadership in the family.

Family Science reasons a father must lead his family in prayer

While Scripture plainly teaches that parents – and especially fathers – are to provide

spiritual leadership for their families, family science also reveals some compelling reasons why a

father should give this top priority in his life. It has been consistently noted that fathers have an

incredible influence on the lives of their children. Family health and satisfaction seems to be

closely tied to how involved the father is in the lives of his children (National Center for

Fathering, 2009).


Researchers have noted a wide variety of dimensions of impact that involved fathers have

on their children. Involved fathers correlate with better health, better grades, less poverty, less

incarceration, and fewer teen pregnancies, to name just a few positive impacts (fatherhood.org,

2013). Children with involved fathers are more emotionally stable, less likely to be obese, and

more likely to develop good social skills that will serve them well in the future (fathers.com,

2012). Dads also find more life satisfaction when regularly involved in the lives of their children

(Child Trends, 2012).

Taking this impact to the spiritual dimension, Mark Holmen, in his book Building Faith

at Home reveals statistics that show that the number one faith influence in the lives of teenagers

is their father, regardless of the gender of the child (Holmen, 2007). These statistics line up well

with the research done by Palkovitz & Palm (1998) who consistently found that more religiously

involved fathers led to more religiously involved children; with Strommen & Hardel (2000) who

learned that churches with the most involved young people were those where the families were

viewed as the center of spiritual formation, rather than the physical church building; and with

research done by George Barna (2003), who found that raising “spiritual champions” meant

creating ministries that target children by growing parents. The message that rises loud and clear

from family science is that fathers who want their children to grow up with a living and active

faith must set the example and lead their children in study of the Word and in prayer.

Challenges that make it difficult for fathers to lead their families in prayer

If that is the case, then why do we not see more fathers eagerly engaging with their

children on a spiritual level and driving spiritual formation in the home? Why do we not have

more fathers beating down the doors of our churches for devotional resources for their families?


Why do we not hear more success stories from fathers who are seeing the fruits of their

leadership?

It is, of course, easy enough to point the finger at sin in our lives and declare that, plain

and simple, the presence of sin in our lives and hearts leads us to do the opposite of what God

wants for us. To apply that more specifically, some of the challenges that sin tosses in the way of

fathers include:

Busy-ness: An overwhelming sense of “too much to do” and not enough time to do it

in, which leads to the excuse that it is simply too hard to fit spiritual leadership into

the day

Ignorance of the need: Many fathers might not be aware of the impact they have on

their children’s spiritual formation. Many may even believe whole heartedly that the

best way to raise spiritually active children is to turn them over to the Church or

Christian schools. Unfortunately, this belief leads them to abrogate their duty and

leave it solely in the hands of the Church.

Uncertainty about their ability: Fathers often cite their inability to interpret Scripture

or to adequately answer questions or form coherent prayers as the reason they hold

back.

Pride: Some men fall back on the notion that their faith is personal, and approaching

it as a family would somehow infringe on a personal boundary. In reality, this is

nothing more than sinful human pride, which balks at the possibility of others seeing

our struggles. Other times the pride manifests as embarrassment at the idea of others

hearing us speak about Jesus or reflect a passion for him and his Word.


Laziness: In many cases, it may simply be a lack of habit and the unwillingness to do

what is needed to form the habit of self-discipline and regular devotional life.

Improper work-family balance: Sometimes fathers find a challenge in the very real

problem of not having enough time at home with their families. This makes it

difficult or even impossible to lead their families, because they are simply not

present.

Lack of example or leadership: Family patterns tend to repeat themselves, and so

many men who do not lead their families spiritually were not led spiritually by their

own fathers. Not all churches do a great job of leading their men to do so either, and

so those negative patterns are not broken.

Misplaced priorities: Often the problem simply lies in the priorities fathers set. They

usually do not have a problem making time for the activities they most enjoy, so if

they say they do not have time to lead our families spiritually, it is more likely that

they simply aren’t giving it the priority it deserves.

Resistance: Some fathers encounter resistance when they attempt to lead their

families spiritually, either from their children or even, at times, from their wives. Too

often they allow this resistance to keep them from taking on this God-given duty.

Abrogation: When fathers do not meet the spiritual needs of their families, his wife or

one of his parents might take over the role of spiritual leader. Fathers become

comfortable with this situation and feel little pressure to change it.

There may be many other challenges fathers face when it comes to leading their families

spiritually that do not fit into the above. As was stated before, it is sin in the world and in our


lives that causes these challenges to exist in the first place. It is also often sinful motives that lead

fathers to fail to rise to these challenges.

Overcoming the challenges

The wonder of God’s mercy and grace is that sin can never have mastery over us if we

have Christ. Therefore, the answer to how to overcome the challenges sin presents is found in

Christ – his redeeming work, his divine strength. The first step is sincere repentance for all the

times we have failed to lead our families spiritually, for all the times we have accepted excuses,

for all the times we have allowed our pride to stand in the way. God’s Word assures us that “all

are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (Romans

3:24). We stand in grace (Romans 5:2), and in that grace we can do all things through Christ who

gives us strength (Philippians 4:13). We seek his strength, we look to his Word for motivation,

we ask his help, and we commit ourselves to being godly spiritual leaders for our families,

knowing that it is God who blesses our efforts. “Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders

labor in vain” (Psalm 127:1).

Of course, this does not excuse the Christian father from action. It is, rather, a call to

action from our Lord. He has given men the task of leading their families, and through his grace

has equipped them to carry out that task. This should serve as motivation to rise up as leaders.

This is where Pastors, Teachers, Staff Ministers, and all other church leaders should take

special note. Rainey (2001) notes in his book Ministering to Twenty-First Century Families

notes that “ministering to the ‘First Family’ first” is perhaps the most important step in growing

spiritually engaged families in the church. If church members see that even the Pastor does not

prioritize leading his family spiritually, they will find in that an easy excuse not to do so

themselves. However, when church leaders set the example by leading their own families – and


making sure that their members know they are doing it – the members are more likely to

recognize the value of setting such priorities.

Blessings that follow when a father leads his family in prayer

What happens when a father faithfully leads his family in prayer? Of course, the ultimate

outcome is dependent on the Holy Spirit’s actions. However, when a father is leading his family

in prayer he is setting an example for them in Christian living, he is educating them in how to

pray, and he is fulfilling his calling as spiritual leader of the family. God promises that blessings

will follow. “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will

not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Research done with religious families has found that the most

committed young adults in churches are those whose parents demonstrated a strong reliance on

God’s Word and prayer as a guide for their parenting and family life (Barna, 2007). The greatest

blessing to be found in a father leading his family spiritually is that his children grow up to be

committed disciples of Jesus.

Leading his wife in prayer

The core of the family is the marriage. A strong marriage provides a strong foundation

for the entire family. It has been noted almost universally among family researchers that the first

step to addressing issues in the family is working on the marriage. This is also a fine first step

when it comes to taking spiritual leadership. If the marriage is spiritually grounded, the family

will be spiritually grounded.

A husband and father who leads his wife in prayer is fulfilling Christ’s command to him

found in Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.” Leading

his bride spiritually is an act of love that reflects that love of the Savior, who leads his Bride, the

Church.


There are many opportunities for a man to lead his wife in prayer. They can begin and

end the day with prayer. They can engage in prayer before undertaking a task of some kind or

going on a trip. When facing big decisions as a family or as parents they might ask for the Lord’s

wisdom, guidance, and blessing. There are many excellent devotional books that provide once a

week longer prayer suggestions. Many couples are also blessed when they request prayers from

one another and let each other know that they are praying those requests.

Leading his children in prayer

There are, likewise, many opportunities for a father to lead his children in prayer.

Morning and evening, and at meal times; when he drops them off at or picks them up from

school; when they are struggling with a problem he can lead them in praying through it.

One particular plan that has blessed this writer’s family is what is referred to as “Dear

Jesus time.” Before bed each member of the family offers an ex corde prayer, offering at least

one thanks and at least one petition. When it was first begun it took some teaching and

prompting, but it has now become second nature to include both elements. After each family

member prays, all the rest join in the “amen” together. This method provides modeling, leading,

and offering the children the opportunity to exercise their capacity for prayer.

Praying throughout the day

Many families do take time either in the morning or evening for prayer, and often before

meals. These routine times for prayer are certainly good, but it is healthy also to look for other

times for prayer. As was stated above, when specific struggles or concerns arise during the day,

these are excellent times for a father to lead his family by asking the Lord’s help. Other

opportunities arise as well. Perhaps they will pray together when driving somewhere. Maybe a

child will come home with a good report or grade and the family can say a prayer of thanks


together. If a troubling news story should play on the TV, the family might offer a prayer on

behalf of the people involved. Even when at work or away from the family, the father can pray

for them during his day, and they will feel cared for and bless when he lets them know that he is

daily interceding for them.

Blessing his children

One unique way for a father to lead his family in prayer is the daily blessing of his

children. Either at night or in the morning, or before leaving home for the day, the father goes to

his child. He places his hand on the child’s head and recites the Aaronic Blessing (also called the

Levitical or Priestly Blessing), the Apostolic Blessing, or another appropriate blessing as he sees

fit. This practice is highly valuable first in that it calls upon God to bless the child, and such a

prayer is powerful and effective when spoken by a man whose faith is in Christ (James 5:16).

Secondly, it is valuable in that it communicates the high value the father places in spiritual

matters. Finally, it provides for the child the sense of “feeling felt”, an important element of

child development by which the child feels loved and cared for throughout the day, even when

the father is not present.

Praying through crisis

Family crisis provides a special opportunity for prayer. When some crisis touches the

family, where they find their strength and peace will have a significant impact on how well they

will come through it. Half a century ago a family researcher by the name of Reuben Hill

constructed a model, called the ABC-X model, to explain how families are affected by crisis.

In the ABC-X model, the A is the crisis or stressor event – the actual circumstances the

family faces. The B is the resources the family has for facing the event, both in terms of physical

resources and social network resources. C is the family’s perception of the event – the meaning


they attach to the situation. These three together provide the X, which represents what the crisis

actually becomes for them and how greatly it affects them.

This model, with a little modification, can easily be used as a model for prayer. When

crisis comes, the father can lead his family first in submitting the event to the Lord, asking him to

look on them with mercy as they face the trouble (praying the A). Then he leads them in asking

the Lord for blessings in the form of resources to meet the crisis (praying the B). Next he prays

that the Lord would give them wisdom to understand the situation in light of his Word and his

love for them (praying the C). Finally, they conclude by asking the Lord to help them through

the crisis.

The family does not need to wait until crisis comes to use this model for prayer. It would

also be an appropriate model to routinely include in a cycle of family prayers, as a preparation

for crisis. For the A, they might pray that the Lord would spare them from stressful

circumstances. For B, that he would bless them with the needed resources in the form of good

supportive friends and family so that if and when crisis should come, they are ready. And for C,

they can pray that the Lord would help them every day to gain a “big picture perspective”, so

that if crisis should come they are able to keep their focus on the life that is to come.

Crisis can either pull families together or it can drive them apart. The family that is able

to use crisis as an opportunity to come together in prayer will come through it closer and stronger

than they were before. A wise father will lead his family in using crisis as an opportunity for

prayer.

Conclusion

We have said much about the reasons why a father should lead his family in prayer, the

challenges he faces in doing so and the source of strength to overcome those challenges, and


what kinds of opportunities there are for such leading. We have not even begun to touch on what

kinds of prayers should be regularly included, elements of prayers and how to make sure they are

part of the family’s prayer life, or special kinds of prayers and appropriate situations for them.

There is much more that could be discussed on this topic, but we will not address those things

now. It is sufficient to say that God has called fathers to lead their families in prayer, he has set

them free and equipped them to do so, and he has given them no shortage of opportunities. Our

prayer is that God would guide all Christian fathers to faithful spiritual leadership in their homes.


References

Barna, G. (2003). Transforming Children Into Spiritual Champions: Why children must be your

church’s #1 priority. Ventura, CA: Regal Books.

Barna, G. (2007). Research Shows Parenting Approach Determines Whether Children Become

Devoted Christians. Retrieved from http://www.barna.org.

Child Trends. (2012). The Meaning of Father Involvement for Children. Child Trends Research

Brief. Retrieved from http://www.childtrends.com on April 9, 2012.

Hill, R. (1958). Generic features of families under stress. Social Casework, 49, 139–150.

Holmen, M. (2007). Building Faith at Home: Why faith at home must be your church’s #1

priority. Ventura, CA: Regal Books.

National Center for Fathering. (2009). Fathering in America. Retrieved from

http://www.fathers.com

National Center for Fathering. (2012). The Effects of Fatherfullness. Retrieved from

http://www.fathers.com on April 3, 2012.

National Fatherhood Initiative. (2013). The Father Factor: Data on the Consequences of Father

Absence. Retrieved from http://www.fatherhood.org/media/consequences-of-father-

absence-statistics on August 16, 2013.

Palkovitz, R. & Palm, G. (1998). Fatherhood and faith in formation: The developmental effects

of fathering on religiosity, morals, and values. Journal of Men’s Studies 7(1), 33-49.

Rainey, D. (2001). Ministering to Twenty-First Century Families: Eight big ideas for church

leaders. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Strommen, M.P. & Hardel, R.A. (2000). Passing On the Faith: A Radical New Model for Youth

and Family Ministry. Winona, MN: St. Mary’s Press.

Scripture quotations taken from NIV (2011), published by Biblica, Colorado Spring, CO.

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