EXPIATION © (Stage Play)

8/3/2019 EXPIATION (Stage Play)

1/73

EXPIATIONA Stage Play By

DICK CROY

WORD & IMAGE AGENCY

9413 Southgate Dr.

Cincinnati, OH 45241

(513) [email protected]
mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]:[email protected]


2/73

EXPIATION 1

EXPIATION

ACT I

Scene #1

SCENE: Late afternoon, summer, in the backyard of a middle

class Midwestern home. Action takes place in and around a set

of well-used lawn furniture beneath a leafy shade tree. As the

play opens, CORK ROCKNER, a white male in his late-40s, pulls

a chair back and holds it for his MOTHER, a woman in her 70s,

whose somewhat breathless way of speaking indicates some lung

dysfunction.

MOTHER

I'm glad you came. I was afraid I'd lost

a friend.

CORK

Don't be ridiculous, I'm your son for

Christ's sake.

MOTHER

(sitting)

You said if I didn't start doing things

the way you wanted me to I was going to

be on my own from now on.

CORK

I said no such thing, I was talking

strictly about your health. What I

said was, if you're not willing to

(MORE)


3/73

EXPIATION 2

CORK (CONTD)

consider any of my advice, or the

position the rest of us are in, then

you'll just have to start dealing with

your medical problems on your own. I

certainly never meant I was going to

walk out of your life.

MOTHER

Well, I'm glad you're here anyway.

CORK

So am I. Can I get you anything?

MOTHER

No thanks, I have to go in in a fewminutes for my puffs.

CORK

I could bring your inhalers out here

for you.

MOTHER

No, then I'm going to get under my

oxygen.

CORK(sitting)

...At least your emphysema finally got

you to quit smoking. You're not are you?

MOTHER

After what everyone told me about the

danger of blowing myself up? No, I'm not.

CORK

I didn't think you'd be foolish enough

to smoke around your oxygen, but you'renot in your room all the time.

MOTHER

It sure seems like it. It seems like

that's where I spend all my time

anymore.


4/73

EXPIATION 3

CORK

It was your choice, Mom. If you'd

stopped smoking

MOTHER

Don't start. If I'd known it was

going to be this hard I wouldn't have

quit in the first place.

CORK

That's just what I mean.

MOTHER

This is the hardest thing I've had to

do in my life. And for what? So I can

lie around breathing oxygen all day.

CORK

I think it's great that you quit we

all do. I just wish you'd done it a

long time ago.

MOTHER

May we please change the subject. We

don't have a chance to talk much

anymore; I don't want to spend the

time you're here talking about mysmoking.

CORK

Sure....So how areyou feeling these

days?

MOTHER

Same as ever: terrible like what's

the point in even getting up in the

morning.

CORKDon't start sounding like Dad.

MOTHER

No, dear God, don't ever let me start

talking like your father. Shut off my

oxygen first.


5/73

EXPIATION 4

CORK

(smiling)

Actually, Dad's gotten a lot better,

don't you think? He's not feeling

sorry for himself any longer and he's

rational 95% of the time now.

MOTHER

Yes, I think he's going to outlive me.

CORK

You don't have to look at it that way.

You've been gradually getting better

since you quit smoking. No reason you

both can't live for a long time. You

just have to hang onto your sense ofhumor so life's more enjoyable.

MOTHER

Honey, I'm afraid life quit being

enjoyable for me some time ago.

CORK

Oh, that isn't true and you know it.

You still know how to laugh when

you're not feeling depressed.

MOTHER

Oh? And when might that be?

Corks only response is an expression of exasperation.

MOTHER

Howto laugh maybe, for whatever that's

worth.

CORK

It's worth a helluva lot, Mom. That's

always been your strong suit.

A pause while Mother considers this.

CORK

Now just try focusing on something

positive for a while.


6/73

EXPIATION 5

MOTHER

I'm trying to....Any suggestions?

CORK

...Just look around you.

MOTHER

(doing so)

Did it ever occur to you it may look

differentfrom where I sit?

CORK

(considering)

Good point....Still, what you're going

through is hardly unique, Mom. You're

experiencing what every human beingfrom the beginning of time has had to

go through. If their lives weren't cut

short.

MOTHER

Thanks for the insight.

CORK

What do you expect me to say?

MOTHERNothing, if you can't improve on that.

CORK

This is your life, just as it is! You

have to make the most of it.

MOTHER

I'm trying.

CORK

We all sympathize with the situation

you're in, Mom. But you have to takesome responsibility for how you got

here. And for whatever changes you want

to take place.

A long pause, with Mother exhibiting displacement mannerisms

and Cork glaring into space.


7/73

EXPIATION 6

MOTHER

...I'm not asking for your sympathy,

but a little understanding would be

nice.

CORK

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh. But

I feel at a loss for anything helpful

to say.

MOTHER

No, if you haven't been there, it's

hard to know what it's like.

CORK

I just wish...with all the readingyou've always done, that you'd spent

a little more time getting ready for

all this. What you're going through

now.

MOTHER

You think that would help?

CORK

It might. Help you come to terms with...

MOTHER

Growing old?

CORK

With growing old...and everything that

comes with it. I feel especially after

your pointing it out to me inadequate

to offer anything very helpful since

I've never experienced what you're going

through. But in a sense, I've sort of

been preparing for it for a long time.Not so much growing old as dying.

MOTHER

Well, death is a definite improvement

over old age as a conversational topic.


8/73

EXPIATION 7

CORK

I know, no one wants to talk about

death, unless it's in some morbid way.

MOTHER

Death ismorbid talking about it,

discussingit. Chatting about it, for

God's sake.

CORK

It doesn't haveto be!

(less emphatic)

Refusing to think about it and discuss

it is what makes it that way. Don't

you think?

MOTHER

Or the other way around. Why are we

talking about it now?

CORK

(carefully)

I sometimes wonder if part of your

depression now has more to do with

your thoughts, and fears, about dying

than with your various ailments. Is

that possible?

MOTHER

...I suppose it's possible, yes. I've

just never seen anything to be gained

by dwelling on it, that's all.

CORK

(nodding)

I understand. See, I can be understanding.

They both smile.

MOTHER

So how is it you've been preparing to

die all these years? How is it I haven't

been aware of this?


9/73

EXPIATION 8

CORK

Who wants to talk about death?

MOTHER

Weare.

CORK

I think it's something we have to come

to terms with the earlier in our lives

the better. But, no, it's not something

you normally sit around and talk about.

MOTHER

Why on earth is death something that

concerns youso much? I'd say your life

has been extremely well-insulated fromit.

CORK

I know, I've been fortunate haven't I.

...From the documentary we did on it,

I guess. And from the two books on the

Indian holy man that I edited for Paul

Goldblum.

MOTHER

He's the San Francisco psychiatrist?

CORK

Right.

MOTHER

So I'm the lucky recipient of Hindu

spiritual teachings filtered through

the writings of a Jewish psychiatrist

in California, edited by my gentile

Midwestern son.

CORK

(grinning, dialect)

You should be so lucky. Not just Hindu

though. The teachings of allreligions.

That's why Paul didn't see a conflict

with his.


10/73

EXPIATION 9

MOTHER

And this is where you became so

interested in death as a way of life?

You know, you could always make a

mid-life career change and become an

undertaker.

CORK

(annoyed)

If you're going to exaggerate it like

that, naturally it's going to seem

morbid. There are plenty of books on the

subject; the best one I've ever read is

Denial of Death,by Ernest Becker. He

won a Pulitzer for it. I'm sure the

college library has it.

MOTHER

What's it about, besides death my God,

the word's worse than my paperwork, I

can't get away from it.

CORK

What we've been talking about, basically:

how we short-change our lives by trying

to hide from death. It's the monster

under the bed.

MOTHER

I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

CORK

But you're certainly ready to complain

about being depressed and lonely.

MOTHER

...Am I really that bad?

CORK

Wellll...yes, you are, Mom sometimes.

Or else you go into a whole litany of

all your ailments and medications. It

gets a little old sometimes.


11/73

EXPIATION 10

MOTHER

(sighs, looks into space)

...I was thinking, when I'm feeling

better, of going to the Unitarian

Church with Helen. I've tried most

of the others over the years, and I

can't abide any of them any more.

The Unitarian seems a little less

hypocritical than the rest or it

did anyway the time or two I've gone

with Helen.

CORK

That's...great that's something.

MOTHERYou don't sound overly enthusiastic.

CORK

When are you going to start feeling

better? You've been using that as an

excuse for not doing things, taking some

action in your life, for months now.

MOTHER

But I really do feel rotten most of the

time. And when I tryto do something go out to lunch or get your father out

of the nursing home for an hour or two

I feel even worse the next day.

She chokes up, and Cork gets up to come kneel in front of her

chair.

CORK

...I know it's hard, that's one of the

reasons I get so impatient sometimes

with your excuses: I think you're going

to have to try something new to get anybetter. All your medicines and your

"puffs" apparently aren't doing enough.

Going to church with Helen might be good

for you. At least it should get you

thinking about something besides your

own problems for a while.


12/73

EXPIATION 11

MOTHER

I thought it might too. That's why I'm

disappointed that you don't seem any

more enthusiastic.

CORK

(standing, in front of her)

...If you think it might do you some

good, I'm all for it.

MOTHER

I don't know whether it would or not, I

feel I'm grasping at straws.

CORK

We spend our whole lives grasping atstraws, Mom that's the point I've been

trying to make. If you've never taken

the time to try to develop some kind of

spiritual...accommodation with life,

then death and old age are bound to be

terrifying and hopeless. But what better

time than now when you still havetime?

...It seems so, I don't know, pretentious

or outa line for me to be saying this. I

don't have any answers you don't have I

know that. You're a lot wiser than I am you still have a much better sense of

humor for one thing. For all my "spiritual

enlightenment" I'm depressed a lot of the

time myself. But I'd be a lot worse if I

couldn't step back at times and count my

blessings.

MOTHER

Well, yes, you still have blessings to

count.

CORK

And you don't?

MOTHER

...Not lately.


13/73

EXPIATION 12

CORK

(collapsing into chair)

What a crock that is! Dad might have

an excuse for making such a remark,

since he never even watches TV anymore,

let alone reads. But how can yousay

something like that?

MOTHER

Don't get on your high horse with me

not till you've had to give up smoking

after more than 50 years and you're all

alone in a big empty house, with your

friends either all dead or living the

kind of life you always looked forward

to and almost embarrassed, it seems, toeven call you on the phone when they're

in town. I know I'm not starving and

have a roof over my head, but you don't

know how I feel most of the time, Cork.

You don't seem to wantto know. You don't

really hear what I'm saying.

CORK

...I hear you, Mom. Maybe it takes a while

for some things to sink in, but I think

about what you say. That doesn't mean Iknow what it's like being inside your skin,

but I try to be fair and objective

MOTHER

Fair and objective! I'd just as soon have

judgmental and self-righteous if you're

going to preach.

CORK

(rising angrily)

Well if you're going to be like that, Idon't see any point in continuing our

conversation, do you?

MOTHER

That's right, leavesince you can!


14/73

EXPIATION 13

Scene #2

SCENE: The same, at night, with the SOUND of crickets. Cork's

Mother has been replaced by his sister SUSAN, an attractive,

self-possessed woman in her mid- to late-30's, who enters as

lights come up with a tray of drinks and snacks which she

places on a table between the chairs before sitting down.

CORK

Thanks. Is Mom asleep?

SUSAN

Just reading.

CORK

Your business trip couldn't have beenbetter timed as far as she and I are

concerned.

SUSAN

Why is that?

CORK

We had a bit of an argument yesterday.

I probably wouldn't be here if I hadn't

picked you up at the airport.

SUSAN

Thanks for doing that. It was such a

relief not to have to worry about a

rental car. This trip was so last-minute

I didn't have time to plan for anything.

I'm exhausted....What kind of argument?

CORK

Oh, just your typical elderly parent

quandary, I guess. She's miserable and

the only advice I can offer she's notinterested in hearing.

SUSAN

Which is?


15/73

EXPIATION 14

CORK

...I'll probably feel as awkward

talking to you about it as I do with her.

(pause which Susan doesn't fill)

I think what might help Mom most now is

more of a spiritual perspective than she

seems to have. Her health, her social

life, most of the dreams she still had,

are all falling apart. What's she have

left? But where the hell do I get off

trying to tell Mom how to become more

spiritually inclined?...You see what I'm

saying?

SUSAN

(considering)

...Ye-es.

CORK

You sound a little unsure. Do you agree

with me?

SUSAN

That that's what she needs, or that

you're the person to tell her?

CORK

Well, both.

SUSAN

I'm not sure anyone's going to be of

much help to someone not ready to hear

it. Is that what led to your argument?

CORK

Yeah I got impatient with her, as

usual. I felt like such a pompous

asshole afterwards.

SUSAN

I'm sure she didn't feel that way.

CORK

...The other day, Mom asked me to help

(MORE)


16/73

EXPIATION 15

CORK (CONTD)

get some of her medical records

straightened out for her. I said, sure,

I'll be glad to help. Then she hands me

this bulging folder full of doctors'

bills, pharmacy receipts, AARP and

Medicare forms and I don't know what

else, and I see the mess things are in...

I got real short with her and stalked

out of the house with this overflowing

folder. So much for good intentions

when the real world intrudes, right?

I told Mom, hey, I can only spend so

much time with you and Dad, and if I'm

going to spend it doing errands and

paperwork, I can't spend it visitingwith you. As if she has much choice.

Dad always had one of his secretaries

take care of that sort of thing. You

can imagine how intimidating all this

must be to her now.

SUSAN

I know it is, but sometimes it's hard

for me to be very sympathetic about

that. I guess because I can't relate to

Mom's having been sheltered from it forso long. I think she actually fancied

herself as being somewhat liberated;

now she seems shocked to find out that

grown-ups in the real world have to do

paperwork. I hate it too we all do.

CORK

Don't we. I eventually got hers done

took damn near the whole morning. But

the gracious way I went about it sort

of ruined it for both of us.

SUSAN

I'm sure she appreciates it, especially

now that she's aware of what an

imposition it is which you don't

enjoy any more than she does.


17/73

EXPIATION 16

CORK

She knows that all right.

There's a long pause as both of them take drinks, rattle the

ice in their glasses, and stare into space. When Cork speaks

again his words have an almost inebriate philosophical tone.

CORK

You know...time's running out for Mom.

She's struggling to hang on and I

guess I'm trying to get her to think

about letting go. I don't know whether

she's terrified or just being obstinate.

Right to the bitter end.

SUSANProbably a little of both. Do you think

you'll be any different at her age?

CORK

God, I hope so. I may be kidding myself

but I think I'd be ready now, if the

situation presented itself.

SUSAN

So what do you have that Mom doesn't?

That maybe you can share with her?

CORK

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Whether there's something I can give

her, some way I can help...or whether

I'm just trying to impose my way of

thinking on her.

SUSAN

I guess I'm not too clear about that

myself. What doyou think about dying that might be useful to Mom in some way?

Lights dim, except for a single spotlight on Cork, as if he's

suddenly more inside his own head, his own anger, at the

moment than here with Susan, who sits in semi-darkness but for

light outlining her face.


18/73

EXPIATION 17

CORK

I don't know the world's so fucking

polarized where spiritualitys concerned!

On one hand you have the fundamentalist

contingent, flogging the dogmas they use

to judge the rest of us the main focus

of their various belief systems...and at

the other extreme are the "secularist"

non-believers.

(effete William Buckley impression)

"Spirituality is an escapist fantasy for

the weak and mentally deficient." The

fundamentalists have co-opted

spirituality, and the secularists are

too crippled by academic educations

dictating what's real and what's not all those years of running on mental

training wheels to even considerthe

possible existence of a spiritual

dimension.

SUSAN:

(somewhat taken aback)

What does all this have to do with Mom?

CORK

She has no one to turn to, no role

models to follow! People who actuallyexperiencea spiritual dimension in

their lives that enriches and sustains

them, without taking from others

aren't much heard from in our society.

What's readily available, for popular

consumption, is mostly crap and Mom

isn't willing to look very hard for

answers on her own.

SUSAN

What kind of answers?

CORK

To what's got hold of her! She sure

doesn't want to think about death, or

the consequences of how she's lived

(MORE)


19/73

EXPIATION 18

CORK (CONTD)

her life. So where does that leave her?

"Just tell me which tranquilizer to

take. What antidepressant do you

recommend?" All she can think of is

how alone she is in the world now.

Why is the whole intent of organized

religion to uphold distinctions?

SUSAN

Thats pretty nave. How do Southern

Baptists distinguish themselves from

Unitarians withoutdistinctions?

CORK

Well, exactly. Thats the whole point oforganized religion. When the essence of

spirituallonging is to put them behind

us. To break outof these mentally

conceived shells that cut us off from

life, and isolate us from the people

around us. It's not enough that we have

to argue about whether or not God exists.

Those who can agree on thathave to kill

each other over rules and regulations.

Distinctions.

(standing, change of tone)...Why can't we just look around us,

acknowledge the miracle of beingpartof

all this and, regardless of its source,

agree that nothing less than reverence is

the proper response to being alive?

SUSAN

...So how does Mom fit into all of this?

I've sort of lost track.

Cork is deflated after his rant. Lighting gradually reverts tothe way it was at the beginning of the scene.

CORK

...I just think...it's impossible to

be feeling thankful for being alive,

(MORE)


20/73

EXPIATION 19

CORK (CONTD)

for having children and grandchildren

for the sound of the wind in the trees

(gesturing)

and be depressed at the same time.

You can't feel both at once. And if

Mom's unable to find things to be thankful

for, then that's her realproblem not

the ones she thinks she has.

SUSAN

Mom couldn't be who she is if she

weren't grateful for what she has.

But I think for her to get to the

place you're talking about she'd have

to accept being sick as sick as sheis and I don't think she has. She

rails at the idea. I'm not sure if

that's good or not.

CORK

She can'taccept it that's what I'm

talking about. Because that means "the

end" is near. So she spends her time

focusing on what she doesn't have.

SUSANHave you said any of this to her?

CORK

I've tried to. But it's hard without

sounding preachy or judgmental, as

she's been pleased to point out. I can't

even tell Mom I love her and really

meanit. I know it's true, but I usually

can't feelit when I say it so I'd

rather not say it. You know what I mean?

SUSAN

Mom knows you love her.

CORK

I hope so. Reverence I have no trouble

with, but love...that's a tough one.


21/73

EXPIATION 20

SUSAN

Well sure, love's more personal....You

don't have to put anything on the line

for "reverence."

CORK

Now you're starting to sound like Mom.

SUSAN

(chuckling)

I know. Reverence as virtual love.

CORK

Those aren't the words she'd use, but

that's sure what she thinks....Someone

once asked the mother of a friend ofmine which of her eight children she

loved the most. They're Catholic. She

thought for a moment and said, "Well,

I guess the one who needsit the most."

ThatI can understand. If Mom were

suffering or actually dying, then I'd

be able to feel plenty of love, right?

SUSAN

Do you think that's the only time she

needs love?

CORK

No, of course not....The way I act toward

her makes it seem like it though. Mom's

more likely to push one of my buttons

than elicit my "love and understanding."

SUSAN

Aren't we wallowing in a little guilt

here? I have a hell of a time being

nonjudgmental myself.

CORK

Maybe. Guilt: what a concept. Isn't it

funny how the mainstay of the existential

'50s is a word you hardly hear anymore?


22/73

EXPIATION 21

SUSAN

I don't know a little before my time.

CORK

Sure, rub it in. It really was the big

issue though. I mean you couldn't talk

about sex until Lenny Bruce came along

anyway, and he got arrested for it so

guilt was the hot topic.

SUSAN

I'm sorry I missed it.

CORK

(laughing)

Yeah, you really missed something. Wedefinitely O.D.'d on guilt back then.

But maybe it's time to reconsider it.

Like, when Mom gives me this loving

smile because of something I've done

for her, and all I'm really feeling

at the moment is a sense of duty.

SUSAN

And guilt.

CORKAnd guilt. Yet here I am, trying to

give her advice.

SUSAN

About dying.

CORK

Well, about living with death near at

hand. Not off in the future somewhere.

Or part of someone else's life.

Scene #3

SCENE: Daylight. Susan and her Mother occupy the lawn chairs.


23/73

EXPIATION 22

MOTHER

(placing her hand on Susan's)

Glad you're here!

SUSAN

I am too, Mom. I wish I could come

more often.

MOTHER

Oh, you've been good about getting

back here when you can. I hope you

know how much I appreciate it.

SUSAN

I do....Cork says you and he had an

argument yesterday.

MOTHER

(sighing)

Oh yes, we seem to have a lot of those

lately.

SUSAN

I'm sorry to hear that.

MOTHER

He's so on edge when he's here mostof the time anyway. I hope he's not

like that with Joy.

SUSAN

Yes, he admitted he was impatient with

you.

MOTHER

Oh, I'm sure he doesn't mean to be; I

know his intentionsare good. Have I

ever told you about all the cards hesent when I was in the hospital with

peritonitis?

SUSAN

More than once.


24/73

EXPIATION 23

MOTHER

He was 3,000 miles away in California,

but I got a card from him, addressed

to "Granny Frickert" or some such,

every day for a couple of weeks. The

nurses were as eager to see them as I

was. I'll never forget that.

SUSAN

I'm sure I won't either. I didn't know

how serious your condition was. I was

only 12 and nobody told me a thing

about what was going on. I acted as if

everything was okay because I was

afraid it wasn't.

MOTHER

(not noticing, or ignoring, remark)

Of course, it would be nice if instead

of worrying so much about the state of

my mind he'd spend a little more time

with me. But not if he's going to be as

rude as he has at times lately. And

morbid he's on this death kick, thinks

I should be readingabout it for God's

sake. As if I don't have enough friends

dying around me as it is. I shouldimmerse myself in the subject, the way

they teach foreign languages. Good Lord!

do you suppose he imagines dying is like

going to another country, where all you

need is a mastery of the language?

SUSAN

He does treat the subject a little

cavalierly doesn't he? But I'll bet he'd

be glad to hear youmaking light of it.

MOTHER

It's not always easy to, believe me.

...God, it's lonely growing old, Susan!

Can all the knowledge in the world do

anything about that? I miss my friends.

(MORE)


25/73

EXPIATION 24

MOTHER (CONTD)

And I miss having the kind of life your

father and I planned on for so many

years. Nothing grand or anything just

a pleasant...winding-down. I feel I

deserve that after putting up with his

workaholic life-style; all those years

of complaining about "the business",

never being able to take any family

vacations because "the business" would

suffer while he was away. I looked

forward to taking life easier...long

relaxing meals and conversations with

old friends nothing like some of the

wild times we had when we were younger.

Is that so selfish and insensitive?

SUSAN

(gripping her hand)

No, of course it isn't, Mom. We wish

you could have all those things too.

MOTHER

Instead, things are harder now than

they ever were. I'm so tired all the

time. I never seem to get caught up on

all this damn red tape and paperwork.The house is way too big for me now

with Miles gone, but it was even worse

when he was here. You know what a dark

cloud he'd become, hanging over

everything. He really is doing much

better in the nursing home, don't you

think?

(Susan nods)

Now that he's been off booze for the

last year or so. Of course he's not

happy there either, but at least heseems more resigned to life something

I can't say for myself. I'd gladly give

up all the dreams I once had, of

retiring somewhere in Florida with the

rest of our crowd, if I just didn't

feel so damn miserable most of the time.


26/73

EXPIATION 25

Scene #4

SCENE: The back yard again a few days later, Cork and his

Mother both seated in the same chairs as before. Lighting,

more "elegiac" than before, indicates it's late afternoon.

MOTHER

Good of you to stop, honey. What's

going on in your life?

CORK

About the same, nothing new. Sure has

been a gorgeous day hasn't it?

MOTHER

Beautiful. The whole summer's beennice.

CORK

I was afraid you'd missed most of it.

MOTHER

Well, I didn't get a chance to enjoy

it as much as I'd like, but that

doesn't mean I wasn't aware of the

weather.

CORKWell good!

(long slightly awkward pause)

...I love this time of day.

MOTHER

Did you stop in to see your father?

CORK

On my way home from work.

MOTHERHow is he?

CORK

Oh, not bad he got out of his room

a couple of times today, walked down

to the corner and back.


27/73

EXPIATION 26

MOTHER

That's good.

CORK

How about you feeling any better?

MOTHER

I'm not going to talk about me, you

said you were tired of hearing about

all of my problems. But Natalie's in

the hospital. She fell in the bathroom.

CORK

What a shame what's wrong with her?

MOTHERSome kind of head injury, they don't

know how serious. Do you think you

could possibly take me up to see her

when she can have visitors?

CORK

Of course. Be glad to.

MOTHER

...I've been thinking of what you

said about trying to develop...a morespiritual outlook on life. Other than

going to church, I don't really know

where to begin.

CORK

Gonna put me on the spot huh?

MOTHER

That wasn't my intention.

CORK(smiling)

I'm glad you asked; I've been

thinking about it too, since we had

our conversation the other day.


28/73

EXPIATION 27

MOTHER

When I complained of your preaching?

CORK

Yes, now that you mention it.

MOTHER

Can you give me some pointers without

being so dogmatic about it.

CORK

(dismayed)

Is that how I sounded?

MOTHER

Maybe that's just how I was hearing it.

CORK

Same difference....Well, I think maybe

the first thing is to get your attention

off of yourself, off your problems.

MOTHER

That's just the firstthing? That seems

like everything.

CORKI'm not saying pretend you don't have

problems, but you don't have to dwell

on them either.

MOTHER

That's a relief.

CORK

Yeah, see how easy this is? Okay, so

here's what I think the key word is

in having some success with this. Youwon't think I'm being dogmatic if I

tell you, will you?

MOTHER

Probably, but let's hear it.


29/73

EXPIATION 28

CORK

Paul Goldblum speaking from years of

spiritual experience, as well as his

psychiatric practice says it's

detachment. Instead of trying to

repressthe way you feel most of the

time, maybe the trick is to learn how

to just...detach from your unhappiness.

Let go of it. See the difference?

MOTHER

I understand the difference in meaning

but isn't this just a semantic exercise?

CORK

Maybe at first. But why don't you tryit for a while and see what happens?

Let them come, don't try to fight

them really feelyour negative

emotions...then just let go of them.

(gesturing)

MOTHER

That's all? I'm glad you're not

charging me for this session.

CORKWhat makes you think it's free?

MOTHER

Oh, I know it's not free.

CORK

Just because it's a lot easier to talk

about solutions than actually achieving

them doesn't mean they can't be

worthwhile does it?

MOTHER

This is just the firstthing I need

to do? How do I keep from coming back

to whatever it is I've learned to

"detach" from?


30/73

EXPIATION 29

CORK

You've gotta focus on something positive.

MOTHER

Like whatfor instance?

CORK

Well that's something you'll have to

choose for yourself. But I can tell

you what works for me.

MOTHER

Please do.

CORK

Gratitude.

MOTHER

Gratitude?

CORK

It's really hard to feel depressed

and grateful at the same time.

There is a long pause; his Mother is already impatient but

loath to start another argument, so Cork, almost as

reluctantly, continues the discussion.

CORK

...Can't you think of something to

be grateful for?

MOTHER

I don't know, the weather maybe?

CORK

Well, that's about you isn't it? It's

your weather your experienceof it.

MOTHER

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.


31/73

EXPIATION 30

CORK

(wounded, stammering)

Why's it so dumb? That's a basic

contention of, of spiritual visionaries

since the beginning of history. That

there's no distinction between you

and what you experience.

MOTHER

No difference between me and the weather?

CORK

Between you and the weather, between you

and me, between you and anything.

MOTHEROh, Cork this is when I really need a

cigarette. I'm afraid this is all beyond

me. It has about as much practical value

in my life right now as all the rest of

this...spiritual talk of yours.

CORK

Well, we agree on that at least. Now all

I have to do is get you to see that

there issome value.

MOTHER

In these "bedtime stories" of yours?

Why can't you just give me a little

more of your time?

CORK

Why can't you be content with what

I give you?!

Both of them let go of some anger.

MOTHER

...If this were chess, I'd say we

just traded pawns, wouldn't you?


32/73

EXPIATION 31

CORK

(chuckling ruefully)

I guess so.

MOTHER

...Okay, so that we don't end up

checkmated again

CORK

Stalemated.

MOTHER

Whatever. So we don't end up stalemated

again, you're saying I should focus more

on being gratefulfor a day like this.

CORKVoila! She walks, she talks...

MOTHER

She hears, she parrots and gets a

cracker for her effort.

CORK

Stale no doubt.

MOTHER

That goes without saying: stale andabout as nutritious.

CORK

You arethis day, Mom!

(jumping up with emotion)

Everything in it, everything about it.

The more you can feel the things around

you, that your mind and senses make you

aware of, the less you'll be able to

feel sorry for yourself. Now, imagine

doing this every day beginning toidentify with everything you experience,

everything you come in contact with.

MOTHER

Wait a minute, I thought you just said

I already ameverything around me.


33/73

EXPIATION 32

CORK

Touch. You are. But if you can't feel

it, then what good does it do?...You

see what I mean?

MOTHER

...Through a glass darkly maybe.

CORK

That's good enough for now.

(smiling and sitting)

"Bedtime stories" huh? That's good;

maybe that iswhat they are. Well, you

used to read bedtime stories to Billy

and me. Maybe now it's my turn to

return the favor except thesestories aren't make believe.

MOTHER

Says you as if either of us had

any way of knowing....You were never

afraid to go to sleep; why are you so

sure I'm afraid of dying?

CORK

I'm not.I hope I'm wrong.

MOTHER

If I were, how would being grateful for

lifekeep me from fearing death? I'd

think it would have just the opposite

effect.

CORK

I think they go hand in hand.

(leaning toward her)

Being grateful as a way of life I

mean begins to create...I don't know,a whole new level of consciousness, or

attitude anyway. An acceptanceof the

way things are and aren't including

the knowledge that, like every other

person in the history of the world,

(MORE)


34/73

EXPIATION 33

CORK (CONTD)

we're going to leave it some day.

(long pause)

I don't know which comes first:

reverence for life, or the sense that

we so-called individuals are inseparable

from it but they go together.

(standing again)

I know this in my heart, Mom, even if I

can't live it myself most of the time.

(gesturing toward the tree)

What makes me love the way the leaves

are rustling in the breeze right now

is the way observing this pulls me in...

until it feels almost as if I'mdancing

up there in the wind,(extending arms, gently "shimmying")

without a care, without a worry....See

what I'm saying? Can you believe your

tight-assed first-born can actually let

go like that?

MOTHER

(laughing)

No, as a matter of fact I don't.

CORK(grinning)

It's subtle.

MOTHER

The reason I asked about being grateful

that's what my morning prayer is all

about.

CORK

I didn't know you had a prayer.

MOTHER

Ever since my Al-Anon days, when your

father's drinking got out of hand. I

started out saying Al-Anon's Serenity

prayer, then just gradually made up my

own.


35/73

EXPIATION 34

CORK

What's the Serenity prayer?

MOTHER

Oh, you've heard me say that, surely...

"God grant me the serenity to accept

the things I cant change, the courage

to change the things I can, and the

wisdom to know the difference."

CORK

That's nice you're right, I have

heard you. Your prayer's different now?

MOTHER

Yes I thank God for the people who makemy life worthwhile: my children of course,

and Joy...

Cork smiles and takes her hand.

MOTHER

...But, to me, gratitude isn't reverence,

it's not religious.

CORK

Why not?

MOTHER

Well, I think religion's something you

live.

CORK

(a gesture of incomprehension)

That's what I've been trying to say!

His mother starts gathering her things paperback, glasses,

etc. about to get up.

MOTHER

I don't think being a leaf for a while

is really the answer I'm looking for.

Shaking his head, Cork begins speaking in a tone of


36/73

EXPIATION 35

resignation that becomes increasingly fervent.

CORK

Of courseit sounds weird when you try

to put it into words. Don't you see

though? Somehow reverence helps us

identify with the things we're grateful

forso that, in a sense, we become

them. We become them too; the sense of

who I amexpands. So when we die, when

we're "gone" a part of us still

remains.

MOTHER

In all the people weve loved.

CORK

Yes in everythingweve learned to

identify with.

MOTHER

And where am I then?

CORK

Your sense of consciousness?

She doesnt answer, but her expression says Of course. Andthen each of them realizes that Cork has no answer either.

Theres a wordless pause which her loving smile fills.

MOTHER

...It's time for my puffs.

Cork helps her up. She takes his arm.

MOTHER

I'm afraid all this is a little over

my head, honey, but I appreciate yourtaking time to explain it to me.

CORK

I wish it could've done you some good

though, Mom. I don't think you got

much out of it.


37/73

EXPIATION 36

MOTHER

I didget something out of it.

Something that means a lot more to me

than understanding all your spiritual

concepts.

CORK

What's that?

MOTHER

You know very well what it is, even if

you do have yourself half-convinced

otherwise.

She puts her arm around him, partly for support and partly in

affection.

MOTHER

All this talk tells me what Ive known

all along. You really do care about the

old hag after all.

CORK

(voice cracking slightly)

Of course I do, Mom. I just want...I just

want you to...

MOTHER

To what?

CORK

To know that I love you, Mom. I

Beaming, she raises her hand slightly, saying clearly, Don't

qualify it. Cork gets it. His Motherlooks up at him lovingly

and gives him a hug which he returns with feeling. They walk

offstage together.

CURTAIN


38/73

EXPIATION 37

ACT II

Scene #1

SCENE: An all-weather room on a gorgeous Indian Summer day.

This is again Corks Mothers home. Cork and Susan are seated

in worn, quality wicker furniture, Susan in a rocker.

SUSAN

Do you think Dad even knows?

CORK

Doesnt seem to. Ihavent said

anything, and Ive asked the nursing

home not to.

SUSAN

Visitors could have said something.

CORK

Whatvisitors?

SUSAN

Well, someone could have come to offer

condolences.

CORKI really dont think he knows anything

about Mom.

Susan tears up and theyre both silent for a moment.

SUSAN

...Its so sad, that shes gone and Dad

isnt even aware of it.

Cork just nods, before the silence is interrupted by the

entrance of BILLY, Cork and Susans thin good-looking brother,between them in age. He looks from Susan to Cork, who gestures

that everything is OK, then sits down as Susan composes

herself.

SUSAN

Hi. Did you get hold of Keith?


39/73

EXPIATION 38

BILLY

Yeah, hes having some people over.

Wed already planned it.

SUSAN

Sorry you had to miss it.

BILLY

Me too, under the circumstances.

...What did you think of the ceremony?

SUSAN

Im surprised more of their friends

werent there.

CORKThere arent a lot of them left. The

Thomases are out of town...

SUSAN

I keep forgetting.

BILLY

I didnt even know some of them.

CORK

You know everyone they were close to.

BILLY

What about that younger couple, with

the cabin cruiser?

SUSAN

The drug dealer?

CORK

I didnt say he was a drug dealer.

SUSAN

(amused)

You said you thought he must be

laundering money somehow, since none of

his businesses seemed to make sense.


40/73

EXPIATION 39

BILLY

Or any money.

CORK

I didnt say anything about drugs.

BILLY

You did to me.

CORK

I said people were sayingthat. But

they were really nice to Mom and Dad.

Included them in some of their big

Gatsby-esque parties. I didnt see

them at the funeral home though.

BILLY

Id never have known Dean North. You

sure took a long time to say his name.

CORK

I wanted to see if youd recognize him.

BILLY

Even if you knew I couldnt come up

with his name.

CORK

You covered yourself well. I was

impressed.

SUSAN

(chuckling)

You two.

Billy pretends to be more annoyed than he really is.

BILLYYour time will come.

CORK

Hey, it was a long evening.


41/73

EXPIATION 40

SUSAN

Wasnt it? I kept looking at my watch.

I thought maybe Id screwed up the time

difference somehow. Even though I knew

I hadnt.

BILLY

I propose that we each share our favorite

or afavorite anyway memory of Mom.

SUSAN

Thats a great idea.

CORK

You start.

BILLYThat was my intention. I was thinking

about it on the plane.When I was in

1stgrade we had this tradition that on

your birthday you got to have a party,

with a cake and decorations and party

hats. But the best part was you got to

invite your mom. Did you do that?

CORK

I didnt go to Washington in 1stgrade,

remember? We still lived in the country.

BILLY

Oh yeah, that one-room schoolhouse.

CORK

Two rooms four grades.

BILLY

Whatever. Anyway, I was really excited

that all the kids in the class would

get to meet my mother. Of course, shewas always the most beautiful woman in

the world to me.

(to Cork)

Do you remember that cocktail dress

with the black spaghetti straps and

fitted top Paris icons on the skirt?


42/73

EXPIATION 41

CORK

(squinting)

Not really. Unless theres a photo of

her in it sitting with Dad and two

or three other couples,at a night

club somewhere?

BILLY

I dont remember that. But the skirt

was a satiny white maybe taffeta?

with images of Paris, like the Eiffel

Tower, in a bright orange and black

print. She wore a crinoline or something

under it, to make it fluff out a little.

I asked Mom to wear this dress and high

heels to my party. She said, Oh, honey,

I cant wear that, its too dressy. And

proceeded to explain why high heels and

a cocktail dress wouldnt be appropriate

to the occasion. I must have gone along

with it because I dont remember making a

fuss. Anyway, the big day finally came,

when everyone was going to meet Mom and

she shows up in that dress. Lipstick and

high heels of course. Just as if she were

going out to a party. Which she was: mine.

SUSAN

What a great story!

BILLY

Of course, shed called my teacher, Mrs.

Heck, who told her it was perfectly

acceptable to wear that outfit for a

birthday party in her class if thats

what I wanted. When Mom walked through

the door, it seemed like every kid in

the class turned around with anexpression like, Gee, Billy, your

mom sure is beautiful! I could feel

my face getting all hot, and I usually

hated to blush like that. But this time

it didnt matter.


43/73

EXPIATION 42

SUSAN

Aww, thats nice,Billy....I have one.

Remember how Dad and Cramer were always

competing with their new Cadillacs?

CORK

I thought Cramer always got a used one.

He was always as proud of the mileage

and the deal as he was of the car.

SUSAN

He may have started out that way, but

you were gone by then.

BILLY

Lets hear the story.

SUSAN

Okay. We were out in Cramers new

Cadillac he and Dad in the front seat.

I dont remember where Eleanor was, but

it was just Mom and me in back. Beautiful

summer day, windows down, enjoying the

fresh air Mom chatting away more or

less nonstop of course. Cramers pointing

out all the bells and whistles on the

dash to Dad, whos being properlyappreciative but Moms not paying

attention at all. Cramer must have seen

her about to light up, in the rear-view

mirror, because he said, Notice theres

a lighter at every ashtray, for smokers.

Mom flips open the ashtray and pushes

the lighter in without interrupting

her monologue. When the lighter pops

out, she lights her cigarette, gesturing

as she talks, then off-handedly tosses

the lighter out the window.(laughter)

Of course Mom realized immediately what

shed done. Her expression went from

horror, to sheepishness, to a sort of

mischievous glee. She never said a word

(MORE)


44/73

EXPIATION 43

SUSAN (CONTD)

to Cramer. He must have discovered it

later, but I doubt that he ever figured

out what happened to his lighter.

BILLY

(amused, to Cork)

What about you?

CORK

...There are so many but all I can

think of at the moment are a couple

of really grotesque ones.

BILLY

Grotesque?

SUSAN

We dont need to hear those.

CORK

Dont worry. Give me a second, Ill

think of one....Okay, this may sound

kinda weird...but one of the best at

least one of the clearestmemories I

have of Mom was when I hurt her

feelings.

BILLY

Thats pretty weird for a good

memory all right.

CORK

Right. Its the only time I remember

crying in front of her after we were

past the spanking stage.

SUSANHow old wereyou?

CORK

I dont know 10 or so it was in

Cub Scouts. Mom had been our den

(MORE)


45/73

EXPIATION 44

CORK (CONTD)

mother and she was really good at it,

of course. But it had also gotten a

little old, having her always there,

looking over my shoulder. I couldnt

get away with anything. So when she

told us at the dinner table that someone

else was taking over, I was really

excited. Whatever I said I dont

remember what it was, but after dinner

Mom was down in the basement hanging up

the clothes

BILLY

Thats a blast from the past: hanging up

clothes in the basement.

SUSAN

Yeah, she was still doing that when I

was a kid. We got our first dryer when

Mom and Dad had the kitchen remodeled,

while we were in Myrtle Beach.

CORK

Are you gonna let me tell this or not?

BILLYYeah. I want to hear it sorry we

interrupted.

SUSAN

Me too.

CORK

(getting back into the memory)

...I was clueless that anything was

wrong till Dad said, I think you may

have hurt your mothers feelings. Maybe

you should go down and see. I musthave caught something in his tone of

voice because I still remember that too.

When I got down there that miserable

low-ceilinged room, the furnace room

Mom was hanging up wet sheets and

(MORE)


46/73

EXPIATION 45

CORK (CONTD)

clothes, crying quietly. As soon as I

saw hercrying, I started to cry,

telling her I hadnt meant to hurt her

feelings, what a good den mother shed

been....It was obvious that she forgave

me. I guess I remember it so clearly

because it was one of the times I felt

closest to Mom.

A pause as Cork, in effect, offers the floor to his siblings.

Neither of them responds though the story clear affects each

of them. Cork lets the memory pass, and his face lightens.

CORK (contd)

(to Billy)Remember when we lived in the country

and it rained, how Mom would make

these loincloths for us and wed

streak around the yard like Tarzan?

BILLY

That was really fun, in the rain.

SUSAN

You had all the fun.

CORK

(to Susan)

Wed have our own cowboy movie going

on for weeks it seemed like probably

a few hours at most. Mom was always

the Bartender or Barmaid.

BILLY

I think she was a madam once or twice

Mas Bordello but we didnt get it.

Susan laughs.

CORK

(also chuckling)

Then wed get bored and start doing

something else, and when wed come in

(MORE)


47/73

EXPIATION 46

CORK (CONTD)

for a drink of water or something Mom

would say, Howdy, pardner, whatll it

be? Wed look at each other like, man,

is sheout of it!

BILLY

Last years fashion statement.

CORK

Remember the time she set out to write

a Tennessee Williams play?

BILLY

I think it was after Streetcar Named

Desire, the movie, came to town. DadhatedBrando.

CORK

(sniggering)

I think she got about three pages into

it.

BILLY

It was pretty good as far as she got.

At least I thought so then.

CORK

It must still be around here somewhere.

SUSAN

Oh, I hope so!

CORK

Tell Susan the fire story.

BILLY

Firestory?

CORK

Youknow. When the lumber yard out on

Pike Street caught fire?


48/73

EXPIATION 47

BILLY

(grinning)

Oh yeah, the fire story! Thats more

about Dad.

SUSAN

Lets hear it.

BILLY

This was back about, I dont know, I

must have been 8 or 9. It was kind of

a rainy day and we were trying to amuse

ourselves indoors. Dad yelled, Cmon,

boys, theres a fire!

CORKHe probably saw it as an educational

experience or something.

BILLY

Probably. We drove out Pike Street and

there was already a big crowd gathered.

Fire trucks, hoses, lots of commotion.

Cork was in front with Dad. He jumped

out, and I opened the door, caught up

in all the excitement of course, and

started clomping along behind them, ina pair of Moms high heels.

Susan laughs.

BILLY

Dad looked around and said, What the

hell are you doing? You cant come in

those. Get back in the car!

Both Cork and Susan are laughing now.

BILLYI had to get in the car, but the fire

was about out by then anyway.

SUSAN

How often were you in high heels? I

dont remember you wearing them.


49/73

EXPIATION 48

CORK

He was always clompin around the

house in them.

BILLY

No I wasnt.

CORK

I stand corrected. Only when he was

playing dress-up.

SUSAN

Hadnt Dad seen you in them before?

BILLY

He must have. I guess he just gotused to it.

CORK

Probably didnt want to think about

the implications. Till you were out

in public in them.

BILLY

Mom guessed what was going on. Aunt Pat

and Uncle Bob had gay friends in New

York although I dont think the wordgay had made the scene yet in the 50s.

She said Pat took her aside on one of

their visits.

SUSAN

I remember all the horror movies you

were always directing in the basement.

Directing and starringin. Carrying

Leslie and me around like a zombie.

BILLY(indignantly)

Not a zombie

(accent)

Count Dracula!


50/73

EXPIATION 49

SUSAN

Well whatever you were, we always had to

be lying with our heads back so our hair

hung down.

Billy chuckles.

CORK

I remember Dad built that little puppet

theater for you. With velvet curtains.

BILLY

Yeah. He certainly triedto make up for

all the time he spent following your

athletics. The first time Dad and I

really began to relate, though, after

all those years in band and gettingdrunk together every year on Fathers

Day at OU, was when I was back home

recovering from mono.

SUSAN

Which was really hepatitis C?

BILLY

I think so.

(to Cork)

I had waytoo much fun the summer Ispent with you in L.A.

CORK

I know we never saw much of you.

BILLY

Another story. Thisone is another good

Mom story. I spent months just lying

around unable to do much of anything.

Maybe Dad was kind of at loose ends too

because we started going to a lot ofmovies together.

SUSAN

Sounds to me like he was taking the

opportunity to get to know you better.


51/73

EXPIATION 50

BILLY

Yeah, I think so. We didnt talk a lot

about the movies, but I think he enjoyed

hangin out as much as I did. I kept

trying to get Mom to go with us because

I was afraid shed just stay home and

drink otherwise. But she kept turning me

down, until you remember the movie Joe,

right?

CORK

It made Peter Boyles career but Im

not sure I saw it.

SUSAN

I know the movie but I dont know if I

saw it either.

BILLY

Youd remember it, believe me. All I knew

about it at the time was from a review in

the NewYorker, which described it, among

other things, as a black comedy. I

thought, heresa movie Mom might like.

I read an abbreviated version of the

review to her, with the usual

resistance Whats it about again?

but somehow managed to talk her into

going. Do you remember the ending?

CORK

I told you, I

BILLY

(interrupting)

I thought you might have read about it.

SUSANIdont know the ending.

BILLY

The title character, Peter Boyle, is a

blue collar fuckup who hates hippies. He

(MORE)


52/73

EXPIATION 51

BILLY (CONTD)

meets a guy in a bar, socially his polar

opposite, an ad exec, whos just killed

his daughters boyfriend, a drug dealer,

by accident. The two of them form this

weird relationship which is where the

black comedy comes in and, long story

short, they end up going out to a hippie

commune together, drunk, and this time

the father kills his own daughter. He

doesnt know who it is and we dont

either Susan Sarandon is the daughter

until she falls to the ground and her

funky hat falls off and all this long

red hair spills out. No ones prepared

for this. The theaters packed and the

audience is just stunned. Not a sound:

not a word, not a cough, nothing. Then

suddenly a womans voice, Moms: Some

fucking comedy!The whole theater

exploded.

A pause as the three of them respond to Billys story.

SUSAN

...I have a Mom-Dad story. You were

both gone when this happened. Dad wasbeing an ass. He and Mom had had another

fight, and he got on the phone and

pretended in a loud voice to be talking

to Chuck Nolan. Chuck, I want you to

go ahead and get those divorce papers

finalized. I was so disgusted, with

both of them, that I made a spur-of-the

-moment decision to go down and be with

Shiloh. Brush him, muck out his stall,

whatever just to get out of there.

Im pretty sure I was bare-footed.

BILLY

You walked all the way to the fairgrounds

in your bare feet?


53/73

EXPIATION 52

SUSAN

Well, Mom caught up with me before Id

gone very far. She didnt say a word,

just walked along beside me. I was

totally unprepared for that. It was the

first, and only, time that I can remember,

where Mom supported me like that. Where

she seemed to realize how alienated I

felt. Ive always thoughtof it as the

time Mom voted with her feet.

CORK

Obviously nothing ever became of the

call to Chuck.

SUSANDad probably didnt even remember it the

next morning. Im sure Mom did though.

We finally turned around and went back,

but I dont think either of us said

anything. And we never did talk about it.

BILLY

Another episode in the Rockner family

soap.

SUSANYou knew Dad started watching them when

he came home for lunch didnt you?

BILLY

Sure. When I was back home that fall and

winter he was following a couple. Soaps

and the Sunday talk shows.

CORK

Those were still good years as far as

the business was concerned.

SUSAN

Yes, but not to hear Dad talk about it.


54/73

EXPIATION 53

CORK

Oh no, of course not according to Dad.

His nightly gripe sessions at the dinner

table were the reason Billy and I never

even considered going into business.

Then Billy ends up in corporate training

with AT&T, and I become a businessman by

default. If Id had sense enough to know

how big a part business plays in just

running your life, I might have been more

successful in what I laughably call my

career.

BILLY

I think Dad kept hoping youd come back.

He waited for, what? 10 years or so

before finally hiring Tom Lynch.

CORK

Its not like I gave him any reason to.

...But when I came back in...83 it was,

trying to raise development financing

for my movie, and spent a couple of weeks

here, Dad hadnt gone into Chapter 11 yet

but things were bad. Tom had left by then,

after their big blowup. When Dad met me

at the airport, he tried to put on a

brave face, acting as glad to see me asalways, but it was obvious there was a

helluva weight on his shoulders. I got

him talking a little, but I had no idea.

Id been so conditioned that the business

was alwaysa struggle, this just seemed

like more of the same, if you factored-in

the year or two since Id last seen him.

After all, he was about 70 then. I had

some new-age tapes with me

BILLYElevator music?

CORK

These were pretty good: some Brian Eno,

I think. Anyway I gave a couple to Dad,

(MORE)


55/73

EXPIATION 54

CORK (CONTD)

thinking they might help him sleep. He

and Mom were in separate rooms by then.

It was sad, hearing this music from his

room, trying to imagine what he was

going through. That was the creakiest

damn bed. Youd hear him tossing and

turning for hours.

SUSAN

Who could have known that interest rates

would go from seven to twenty-plus percent?

BILLY

Or that Midwest Trust would turn out to

be such assholes.

CORK

He shouldhave taken into account that

the loyal little hometown bankers whod

always believed in him had been acquired

by a big city bank. But thats easy to

say now. Most of thepeoplewere the

same. If the economy hadnt gone to hell

theyd have left him alone. Theyd been

making money off him for years.

BILLY

I guess your fund-raising wasnt too

successful.

CORK

It wasnt successful enough. I wonder

sometimes if its given me a reputation

in town Im not aware of.

SUSAN

I think you can assume that everyonesheard the story, or a distorted version

of it.

CORK

Probably. The company itself has gotten

a lot of support from the community.


56/73

EXPIATION 55

BILLY

Well sure, seeing Dad hang in there

trying to make a go of it, instead of

just walking away and letting creditors

fight over the remains.

CORK

The bank had him so tied up he couldnt

have done that if hed wanted to.

SUSAN

The point is, the doors are still open.

CORK

Just barely, Susan.

(to Billy)But youre right about the reason weve

gotten this far. The banks and the

bankruptcy court needed to see some new

blood in the game before signing the

re-org. papers, but Dads history and

reputation mean a lot.

SUSAN

When it came to restructuring you mean.

CORKOh hellyes. A good name doesnt mean

a thing with an income statement in the

red, and financial ratios not just

outside the norm, more like imaginary

numbers the square root of minus

three or something.

BILLY

Financial ratios?

CORK(impatiently)

Measurements banks use to determine

whether or not youre credit-worthy.

Debt ratios, liquidity ratios...and

of course profitability ratios. Wesure

(MORE)


57/73

EXPIATION 56

CORK (CONTD)

as hell werent. I went in there with

no business experience, no real

business sense, read a few how-to

booksand suddenly its Magic

Kingdom time. Through the looking glass

...financial figures from the dark side.

BILLY

Dangerously mixing your metaphors, Bro.

CORK

Dangerous is right. Blind man with a

loaded gun.

SUSANDont be so hard on yourself. Youve

done a good job.

BILLY

Yeah. Mom and Dad are really grateful

you came back.

CORK

I know Mom is. Dad was at one time. I

dont know what he thinks now.

(pause)When he broke his shoulder and I showed

up in the E.R....youd have thought I

was rescuing him from kidnapers.

(Cork demonstrates)

Here he is! My sons here to take me

home. I had to tell him his shoulder

was broken; hed have to stay in the

hospital overnight. The look he gave me,

I couldnt tell whether he felt betrayed,

or was playing me, hoping Id take him

home. I still dont. I keep replaying it,and I still dont know how Dad felt when

he realized I was going to leave him there.

SUSAN

It was for his own good.


58/73

EXPIATION 57

CORK

Well of course.

BILLY

You said he wouldnt wear his sling.

CORK

That was later. Thats what put him in

the nursing home. He wasnt doing

anything he was supposed to. And

drinking of course. Driving Mom crazy.

But that hes been there so long...its

diabolical.

BILLY

(surprised by Corks vehemence)What is?

CORK

The goddamn insurance! If wed brought

him home for a day, we couldnt have

taken him back. Mom would have been

stuck with him. Without insurance, she

couldnt afford the kind of nursing

home care he has now....Yet the longer

hes there, the worse hes getting.

BILLY

Whoa! Disconnect.

(computervoice)

Does not compute.

Cork gives him a look.

SUSAN

Oh, I thought he was pretty good today.

Alert...smiling.

CORK

Some days are better than others. Every

time Im tempted to bring him home, he

does something off the wall. The last

time I brought him here for a visit he

acted like this wasnt his home.


59/73

EXPIATION 58

SUSAN

What do you mean?

CORK

When we pulled up in front of the house,

he was disappointed. Confused: I

thought you were taking me home. I said,

This isyour home, Dad. I think he was

expecting the house he grew up in.

A pause as they contemplate this silently.

BILLY

...I know youve already told me, but

when does this killer insurance run out?

CORK

Year and a half yet, wise ass. If you

have a better plan Im all for it.

BILLY

Hey, Im glad youredealing with it.

Susan and I both think youre doing the

right thing.

SUSAN

Yes, we do, Cork. I know its hard, butI think you were right about Mom. And he

wouldnt be happy with Billy or me on

the West Coast.

BILLY

Theres no roomfor him in our apartment.

CORK

No of course not. San Franciscos not

exactly Dads kinda town anyway.

SUSAN

Oh, I dont know. Remember the walk he

took in Dolores Park when he and Mom were

out there a few years ago?


60/73

EXPIATION 59

BILLY

(laughing)

Yeah, Dad got the culture. He should

have; he had plenty of experience with

me.

CORK

What the hell are you two talking about?

BILLY

Dont you remember? Dad got hit on in

the park.

CORK

By a man?

BILLYYeah, he came back and told us all

about it: his San Francisco experience.

CORK

(amused)

Im surprised I dont remember.

SUSAN

I think he was kind of flattered too

wasnt he?

BILLY

Yeah, he was.

A pause as they contemplate the encounter.

SUSAN

Larry and I have the room, but with

both of us working...weve talked

about it.

CORKIts something were going to have to

deal with in a year or so. We have to

come up with somekind of plan.

CURTAIN


61/73

EXPIATION 60

ACT III

Scene #1

SCENE: Darkness, an unlit stage.

CORK (voice only)

I know youre here somewhere.

(mumbling to himself)

...Not really of course, but...

(normal tone, still V.O)

if you can hear, you need to know...

did I do the right thing, Dad? Do you

understand why you were there so long?

SCENE: Lights up. Cork, Susan & Billy are seated in a livingor family room: tastefully, not expensively decorated.

SUSAN

You mean, like a sance?

CORK

(annoyed)

No of course not. Just a sort of

meditation, where we send Dad our

loving thoughts or something. I feel

like hes in some dark place somewhere.Im more in touch with Momin some

ways than when she was still here;

its hard to explain. It seems like

whenever I think of her, shes just

...there somehow. But Dad...I dont

have any connection with Dad at all.

SUSAN

I dont feel that way.

BILLYI dont either. Theyre just gone, I

missthem a lot. Especially Mom.

CORK

Well, I hope youre right. Maybe its

just me.


62/73

EXPIATION 61

BILLY

I dont think Dads going to benefit

in some way from anything wedo now.

CORK

Hey, sorry I brought it up.

He exits.

SUSAN

Maybe we were a little harsh.

BILLY

Maybe wishful thinking is going to

make Dad a happier cosmic camper.

SUSANJesus, Billy.

BILLY

I know Cork means well.

(standing, gesturing)

But the time to do something for Dad

is past. Cork did the most of any of

us, but Im under no illusion that I

can somehow make up for my part in

letting Dad die in a nursing home

with a little guided meditation. Hesgone, period. If hes somewhere he

can see into my soul, he knows how I

feel.

Lights out.

CORK (voice only)

(conversational tone)

I ask myself if we did enough to treat

your depression. I dont even remember

if you were taking anti-depressants in

the beginning. Ten years is a long time....We lost you a little more each year.

We must have tried somethingat first.

If we did, it sure as hell didnt work.

Lights up on Cork only.


63/73

EXPIATION 62

SCENE: Hes seated in an armchair, surrounded by darkness.

CORK

You worked hard all your life. Sometimes

we complained the business wasyour life,

but that isnt true. You got a lot out of

life. You were a wonderful father. So we

only took that one family vacation the

three of us still talk about. We did a

lot of things together. I remember how

some weekends youd take the three of us

out in the woods somewhere. Those winding

country roads where youd end up talking

to some farmer about his timber while we

prowled around exploring. You gave us

all a good life. My daughters loved beingin the warmth you threw off. Before its

source died out. Compared to you, I

havent been a real father at all. Even

your badexamples I learned from, because

you were always there for me. You kept the

family together. Then, after school, when

things didnt turn out the way we both

planned, you gave me $500 and the Impala

and said, Go on out to California if

thats what you want. ...I always loved

coming back. Having a home to come backto.

FATHER (voice only)

And then you drove me outof that home.

CORK

I know, Dad. It was a choice I it was

a decision we all had to make. You

didnt seem tobe any more miserable in

the nursing home than you were at home

not at first anyway. Yet having you

out of the house improved Moms lifeimmeasurably. When Nettie moved in to

cook and take care of the house and

keep her company, Mom had a whole new

life the last three years. She really

enjoyed herself, in spite of everything

she went through in the end.


64/73

EXPIATION 63

FATHER (voice only)

Did that give you the right to sentence

me to three years of what amounted to

prison? I asked you over and over again

to let me come home. You always

CORK

I always tried to explain the dilemma

we had with the extended care insurance

which Im sure you never understood.

But yourethe one who bought it. I kept

trying to convince myself that you might

have planned ahead for what happened. I

think we all did. It was such a gift to

Mom...to finally escape the gloom ofyour shadow hanging over the house. I

thought she deserved that, whether you

planned it that way or not.

FATHER (voice only)

You actually think I planned it?

CORK

Well, not your depression of course.

Not going bankrupt. You can thank

Volckers Federal Reserve for that.You and millions of others you were

in good company....Then you just gave

up. No I take that back, thats not

true. You hung in there till I came

back. I know that took guts. At that

point, it made a lot more sense for me

too, rather than flailing around in L.A.

any longer even before I knew how

bad things really were here.

Long pause; lights down and out.

CORK (voice only)

After thats when we began to lose

you at first a drink, a lost night

at a time. It was so gradual. Long

(MORE)


65/73

EXPIATION 64

CORK (CONTD)

before you were in the nursing home,

you were gone, Dad. Most of the time.

Much of the time.

Lights up.

SCENE:Susan and Billy sit opposite Cork as in Act II.

CORK

I was thinking of our Mom and Dad

stories the day of her funeral. Did

Dad ever tell either of you the story

of how the launched the business?

SUSANNo.

BILLY

Not that I can remember.

CORK

Ive come to think of it as the lumber

companys creation story. Thats how

Dad saw it. Hed left Firestone by then

to start his own business. I think hed

already taken over the property, on arailroad siding thats no longer in use.

But he didnt have any working capital

to speak of, and the good will Uncle

Ray was supposed to bring to the business

turned out to be anything but. So he sat

down at the kitchen table one night, put

together a business plan probably half

a dozen pages at most and Mom typed it

out the next day. Then he took it to

Citizens, and they gave him the line of

credit he ran the business on for thenext 30 years.

SUSAN

By then Citizens had been bought by

Central Trust.


66/73

EXPIATION 65

CORK

Right. And Dads line of credit had

ballooned into the variable interest

loan of 20-plus percent that the bank

called, in the early 80s.

BILLY

...Dads always been the best story-

teller in the family.

CORK

Remember his Fedder and Geefil tales?

BILLY

With Icky-day and Illy-bay.

SUSAN

Not Orky-kay?

BILLY

Cork hadnt earned his nickname yet.

CORK

(to Susan)

Saturday night was about the only family

time we got with Dad when we lived in the

country. There was a big old couch Ivaguely remember where Billy and I would

sit on either side of him after dinner,

listening to...I think it must have been

Grand Ole Opry. Mom was probably cleaning

up in the kitchen. And Dad would spin out

these long adventures of the two of us,

and the animals

BILLY

Libbet, Chippy and Brer Coon.

Susan chuckles.

CORK

...Getting into all kinds of mischief,

some times egged-on and sometimes

rescued by Fedder and Geefil.


67/73

EXPIATION 66

SUSAN

Im sorry I missed those. But I sure

remember all the great stories about

his family.

CORK

I know but when I finally sat down

with him with a tape recorder...

(a Poof gesture)

BILLY

Gone huh?

CORK

He was too self-conscious. Id waited

too long.

SUSAN

...Mom sure didnt make it any easier

for him.

CORK

Thats putting it mildly.

BILLY

All those years and all the stuff she

put up with, and what was she left with?

CORK

They put up with each other. And they

had a lot of good years together.

SUSAN

They did but remember, when you came

back, at Christmas or whenever, you were

always seeing their best behavior.

CORKI saw some of their worst too, believe

me.

BILLY

Times were pretty good when I was back

here recuperating. Tom was doing a great

(MORE)


68/73

EXPIATION 67

BILLY (CONTD)

job at work. It looked like Dad had

finally found a successor. The Golden

Years were about to begin.

Lights down quickly.

FATHER (voice only)

You dont know what it was like!

Something youve worked all your life

for....I knew I wasnt the only one

so what? I had a rightto be depressed

goddamnit! I had reasonto be depressed.

Lights up.

SCENE: Cork in the spotlighted armchair as before. And now his

Father 80s, somewhat unkempt but not overly so, furious

eyes, standing in his own pool of light makes his

appearance, on an otherwise dark stage.

FATHER

You think thats what I wanted?

CORK

I think you gave in to it. Even when we

had some success

FATHER

(interrupting)

Oh hell success! You didnt know what

you were up against, in spite of all your

good efforts and your successes. I went

home and told your mother, Cork hit a

homerun today! when the bank gave you

that line of credit I didnt think you

had a prayer of securing. Sure it kept

us in operation. It wasa homerun. Butit didnt win the game, did it.

He sits in an armchair opposite Cork, calming a little.


69/73

EXPIATION 68

FATHER (contd)

I admired your spunk, Cork. And your

mother and I were both grateful you came

back. But I couldnt make myself believe

you were really going to turn things

around. Besides, Id already lost our

future. Your mother and I werent going

anywhere....Id have preferred to fail

alonethan in so much company. Can you

understand that? Better to have given

my family a good life and gone down

swinging, than to realize in the end the

...insignificance of small businesses

like mine, in the scheme of things. All

those years, Id been fooled into

thinking we represented the backbone ofthe country. You know how proud I was

of that little hardwood operation.

(ironically)

Providing the floors and furniture for

Americas homes, from the great forests

of the nations heartland.

I never really blamed anyone but myself.

No matter the odds, or how riggedthe

game may have been, there were still

winners and losers. Imthe one who mademistakes. It was easy to be fooled when

things were going well. Then, it was gone.

All of it....Youcame back. Took the load

off my shoulders. Gave your mother

something to live for. Her disappointment,

her anger...her contempt even you think

that didnt add to what Iwas already

feeling? I had her load on topof mine.

When you took over the business, you may

have saved my life, Cork your mothers

as well. But there was no way you couldtake away what was inside.

Long pause.

CORK

Dad, it was...tragic what happened to

(MORE)


70/73

EXPIATION 69

CORK (CONTD)

you. Not just the nursing home. The

nursing home was the final indignity.

You think I haventfelt guilty? Asked

myself a hundred times in the last

three years whether we were doing the

right thing? Whether wed really

explored every other possible option?

Lights down very gradually on Father.

CORK

No, of course we didnt. You could have

lived with Joy and me, but I had no

right to ask that of her. Id just moved

in myself. We could have found a way topay someone, or a service, to look after

you at home. But theres no way that

wouldnt have royally fucked up Moms

life. Youd alienated her so much by

then. Still, we could have at least

tried....Mom had always lived the way

youwanted to live. I guess we came to

see this as a way to compensate her in

some way.

(pause)

...But does any of this make what we didright? Does it ease my conscience much?

No. It doesnt. Its the mental equivalent

of an optical illusion: just when Ive

got the whole thing neatly rationalized

we hadto do it; Im firm and resolute,

seeing the big picture the image

suddenly changes. My old mans in a

nursing home, begging to come home. I

remember once toward the end, when it

seemed like youd stopped speaking to me.

When I wasnt even sure you were aware Iwas there, in the room with you. I got

such a lump in my throat as close to

crying as I ever get. Then later I

wondered who I was really feeling sorry

for, you or myself?

(MORE)


71/73

EXPIATION 70

CORK (CONTD)

(pause)

You know what bothers me the most?...What

I was feelingwhen you finally passed. I

can still see the look I must have had

on my face. The closer you came to taking

your last breath, the more I felt this

expression...it seems almost of contempt,

on my face scorn anyway. Tugging at the

corner of my mouth. Judgingyou for how

youd spent the last 10 years of your

life....That goes beyondshameful. Its

a fucking mystery to me. Ive always

thought of myself as being ready to

die as an adult, I mean: the last 40

years or so but I wonder now ifreacting to yourdying the way I did was

an expression of fear. Maybe judging you

kept it at bay. When I saw Mom, even

though it was just minutes after shed

expired, is how the nurse so

delicately put it...she was already

gone. It was over.

I cant tell you how glad I was am

that Susan was there too. Hearing her

wail, Oh, Daddy! at the end remindedme what a great father youd been for

hertoo. Remembering her on your lap...

then, years later, my own daughters

always so happy to be there. I dont

know whose smiles were bigger, yours or

theirs. While on myface at the end....

Thats what bothers me the most. But,

see, thats about meagain. What about

the three years worth of days you spent

wanting to come home whereverthe

hell home was.

Cork rises from the chair and stands looking up.

...I hope, Dad, wherever you are, you

know that I still question, more than

(MORE)


72/

EXPIATION © (Stage Play)

Documents

Transcript of EXPIATION © (Stage Play)