Excellent Communication Skills Are Vital in Decision Making Effective listening Advocacy and inquiry...

Excellent Communication Skills Are Excellent Communication Skills Are Vital in Decision MakingVital in Decision Making

Effective listeningEffective listening

Advocacy and inquiryAdvocacy and inquiry

Ladder of inferenceLadder of inference

Framing & reframingFraming & reframing

Effective feedbackEffective feedback

Assertiveness (rather than aggression or passivity)Assertiveness (rather than aggression or passivity)

Effective ListeningEffective Listening

Very importantVery important

Not easy or automaticNot easy or automatic

What are some barriers to effective What are some barriers to effective listening?listening?

Some BarriersSome Barriers

Don’t want to get involvedDon’t want to get involved

Preoccupied &/or mind wandersPreoccupied &/or mind wanders

Just waiting to get inJust waiting to get in

Formulating your next messageFormulating your next message

Personal beliefs about messagePersonal beliefs about message

Evaluating, judging the other & messageEvaluating, judging the other & message

Holding negative attitudesHolding negative attitudes

Not asking for clarification, when neededNot asking for clarification, when needed

Active ListeningActive Listening

Reflective listeningReflective listening

Paraphrasing & clarifying the messageParaphrasing & clarifying the message

……in in differentdifferent words words

Conveying understanding & acceptanceConveying understanding & acceptance

Not necessarily agreementNot necessarily agreement

Allows verification of message sent & Allows verification of message sent & correction of misunderstanding before correction of misunderstanding before acting on itacting on it

Effective ListeningEffective Listening

Active listeningActive listening

Listening with:Listening with:

– OpennessOpenness

– FocusFocus

– Awareness Awareness

– EmpathyEmpathy

Advocacy Is OverusedAdvocacy Is Overused

Inquiry

x x

x x x x x x

Advocacy

Need BalanceNeed Balance

x x x x x

Inquiry x x

x x x x x

Advocacy

Advocacy Is OverusedAdvocacy Is Overused

Inquiry

x x x x

Advocacy

Need BalanceNeed Balance

x x x x x

Inquiry x x

x x x x

Advocacy

InquiryInquiry

Ask for additional informationAsk for additional information

Use active listening:Use active listening:

– To check on your understandingTo check on your understanding

– To let the other know you understandTo let the other know you understand

Listening and understanding does not:Listening and understanding does not:

– Mean you agreeMean you agree

– Weaken your negotiating positionWeaken your negotiating position

Practice Inquiry & Effective ListeningPractice Inquiry & Effective Listening

Role play In groups of 3: one person advocates a Role play In groups of 3: one person advocates a strong position on some controversial topic strong position on some controversial topic (doesn’t have to believe this)(doesn’t have to believe this)

Second person inquires, using effective listeningSecond person inquires, using effective listening

First advocates furtherFirst advocates further

Second inquires further, using effective listeningSecond inquires further, using effective listening

Others observeOthers observe

Discuss, possibly replayDiscuss, possibly replay

Switch roles and repeatSwitch roles and repeat

Ladder of InferenceLadder of Inference

5. Evaluation

4. Attribution

3. Inference

2. Partial focus

1. Description

0. Data

The SituationThe Situation

X & Y are managers, reporting to the same VPX & Y are managers, reporting to the same VP

X just made a proposal in a staff meetingX just made a proposal in a staff meeting

Y speaks loudly: “Certainly the company needs Y speaks loudly: “Certainly the company needs some new business options. This is a creative, some new business options. This is a creative, interesting idea, but I have a lot of questions. interesting idea, but I have a lot of questions. What is the basis for your conclusion that this What is the basis for your conclusion that this project would break-even in less than one project would break-even in less than one year?”year?”

How Might X React?How Might X React?

a.a. Focus on “…but I have a lot of questions” Focus on “…but I have a lot of questions” and that Y was speaking loudlyand that Y was speaking loudly

b.b. Y is trying to make me look bad and shoot Y is trying to make me look bad and shoot down my proposaldown my proposal

c.c. Y is a *#!#* lazy bureaucrat who is not Y is a *#!#* lazy bureaucrat who is not willing to make things happen, but doesn’t willing to make things happen, but doesn’t want anyone else to make him look bad by want anyone else to make him look bad by their accomplishments…their accomplishments…

What level on the ladder of inference?What level on the ladder of inference?He said, "There are many issues that need to be explored carefully with the various stakeholders. And, I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more." His voice volume rose steadily and was quite loud by the end.

He shouted, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more."

He's just a hothead with a "hair trigger" who gets angry easily.

He's mad because he feels the other stakeholders are using unfair tactics.

He is really upset and not willing to discuss this any more.

He's mad because he thinks he is losing the debate.

His "righteous anger" is completely justified.

How is this model useful?How is this model useful?

Represents different ways we process & Represents different ways we process & deal with eventsdeal with events

Higher levels mean greater errors & Higher levels mean greater errors & usually more conflictusually more conflict

Helps us avoid and recognize higher Helps us avoid and recognize higher levelslevels

Then reexamine initial assumptions & Then reexamine initial assumptions & extrapolations from actual dataextrapolations from actual data

Reminds us to operate closer to the dataReminds us to operate closer to the data

Communication SkillsCommunication Skills







Framing a message or situation is Framing a message or situation is different than framing a decisiondifferent than framing a decision

Framing a decision involves:Framing a decision involves:

– Creating a context for the decision

– Recognizing the real problem, not just symptoms

– Identifying objectives

– Identifying constraints & other factors

– Establishing priorities

Framing a message or situationFraming a message or situation

Provides context for discussion or Provides context for discussion or negotiationsnegotiations

Selecting & emphasizing certain aspectsSelecting & emphasizing certain aspects

Excluding or minimizing othersExcluding or minimizing others

Clarifying objectives and constraintsClarifying objectives and constraints

Framing ExamplesFraming Examples

Things are so uncertain with our business, we'd better not "rock the boat!"

Our business is in such a nose dive, we must do something different right away or we will lose it all!

Our business has major troubles. We need some help in diagnosing the problems and developing solutions.

ReframingReframing

Can change the context and dynamics to Can change the context and dynamics to permit productive discussionpermit productive discussion

Some examples:Some examples:

– She is arrogant -> She is confidentShe is arrogant -> She is confident

– He is not a team player -> He is unusually He is not a team player -> He is unusually clear about what he wants to doclear about what he wants to do

– She is uncooperative -> Our dispute may She is uncooperative -> Our dispute may have caused her to pull backhave caused her to pull back

Reframe complaints as requestsReframe complaints as requests

Let’s try reframing these as requests:Let’s try reframing these as requests:

– You’re always late! You’re always late!

– I can’t stand your messes in the apartment! I can’t stand your messes in the apartment!

– You never appreciate what I do! You never appreciate what I do!

Practice some in pairs:Practice some in pairs:

– One person makes a complaintOne person makes a complaint

– Generate at least two possible requestsGenerate at least two possible requests

Another CaseAnother Case

Ann and HalAnn and Hal

In conflict over stuff lying around the In conflict over stuff lying around the house and reactions to ithouse and reactions to it

Escalating, with Ann increasingly upset Escalating, with Ann increasingly upset with Hal’s leaving things around the house with Hal’s leaving things around the house – and Hal increasingly unhappy with her – and Hal increasingly unhappy with her complaintscomplaints

How might each (Ann and Hal) How might each (Ann and Hal)

reframe the following complaints reframe the following complaints

into requests?into requests?

1.1. You stack your papers on the counter, You stack your papers on the counter, the tables, the floors, even in the the tables, the floors, even in the bathroom.bathroom.

2.2. You say that there is no reason not to You say that there is no reason not to leave papers around the house.leave papers around the house.

3.3. You just don’t care about our house and You just don’t care about our house and how it looks.how it looks.

4.4. You don’t respect me!You don’t respect me!

5.5. You are an unmitigated, unredeemable You are an unmitigated, unredeemable slob, who doesn’t care about me or our slob, who doesn’t care about me or our family!! I don’t know if I can continue to family!! I don’t know if I can continue to live with you!!live with you!!

When you leave stacks of papers around When you leave stacks of papers around the house, I feel upset – especially the house, I feel upset – especially because I have asked you many times because I have asked you many times not to do this.not to do this.

Ladder of InferenceLadder of Inference

5. Evaluation

4. Attribution

3. Inference

2. Partial focus

1. Description

0. Data

Where on the Ladder of Inference?Where on the Ladder of Inference?

1.1. You stack your papers on the counter, You stack your papers on the counter, the tables, the floors, even in the the tables, the floors, even in the bathroom.bathroom.

2.2. You say that there is no reason not to You say that there is no reason not to leave papers around the house.leave papers around the house.

3.3. You just don’t care about our house and You just don’t care about our house and how it looks.how it looks.

4.4. You don’t respect me!You don’t respect me!

5.5. You are an unmitigated, unredeemable You are an unmitigated, unredeemable slob, who doesn’t care about me or our slob, who doesn’t care about me or our family!! I don’t know if I can continue to family!! I don’t know if I can continue to live with you!!live with you!!

When you leave stacks of papers around When you leave stacks of papers around the house, I feel upset – especially the house, I feel upset – especially because I have asked you many times because I have asked you many times not to do this.not to do this.

Two Different FramesTwo Different Frames

1. This is land settled by our ancestors 1. This is land settled by our ancestors thousands of years ago, under direction from thousands of years ago, under direction from God, resettled by our fathers over half a God, resettled by our fathers over half a century ago, and developed and improved by century ago, and developed and improved by our people since. This land is vital to the our people since. This land is vital to the protection of our people from the criminal protection of our people from the criminal terrorist attacks of the Palestinians, who the terrorist attacks of the Palestinians, who the Palestinian leaders have refused to control. Palestinian leaders have refused to control. We must never give up one inch of this land!We must never give up one inch of this land!

Two Different FramesTwo Different Frames

2. This is land inhabited by our ancestors for 2. This is land inhabited by our ancestors for

thousands of years. This land is vital to the thousands of years. This land is vital to the

development of a viable Palestinian development of a viable Palestinian

homeland, which should be an independent homeland, which should be an independent

Palestinian state. There can be no peace Palestinian state. There can be no peace

until we drive out the invaders and regain until we drive out the invaders and regain

our rightful possession of this land!our rightful possession of this land!

ReframingReframing

3. This is very special land, characterized 3. This is very special land, characterized by thousands of years of history involving by thousands of years of history involving ancestors of you both. It has historical ancestors of you both. It has historical and religious importance for both of you. and religious importance for both of you. You both have a sincere desire to find a You both have a sincere desire to find a solution to the conflict that stops the solution to the conflict that stops the bloodshed and that provides a basis for bloodshed and that provides a basis for your peoples to live in peace.your peoples to live in peace.

Your Live Case - 4Your Live Case - 4

Individually:Individually:

– Frame the case from your viewpoint, then from Frame the case from your viewpoint, then from the viewpoint of your major opponentthe viewpoint of your major opponent

– Reframe the case in a way that might begin to Reframe the case in a way that might begin to build a bridge between your and your build a bridge between your and your opponent’s original framesopponent’s original frames

In a group of three:In a group of three:

– Present your three frames and ask for help in Present your three frames and ask for help in gaining further understandinggaining further understanding

Framing Can…Framing Can…

Determine which issues people noticeDetermine which issues people notice

Establish how the issues will be approachedEstablish how the issues will be approached

Provide opportunities to explain reasoningProvide opportunities to explain reasoning

Create a bridge between parties in conflictCreate a bridge between parties in conflict

Be misused and abusedBe misused and abused

Help leaders manage meaning (in Help leaders manage meaning (in appropriate ways) - to mobilize others to appropriate ways) - to mobilize others to want to struggle for shared aspirationswant to struggle for shared aspirations

Where We AreWhere We Are(re Communication Skills)(re Communication Skills)







Feedback is more effective when you:Feedback is more effective when you:

Are specificAre specific

Deal with behavior you observedDeal with behavior you observed

““Own” the feedback, for exampleOwn” the feedback, for example– When you (said or did)__, I felt __, because __When you (said or did)__, I felt __, because __

Provide verifiable feedbackProvide verifiable feedback

Acknowledge the receiver's freedom of Acknowledge the receiver's freedom of choice about changeschoice about changes

Inquire & check for understandingInquire & check for understanding

Intend to be helpfulIntend to be helpful

Practice FeedbackPractice Feedback

Role-play in groups:Role-play in groups:

– One is manager and speaks to second person One is manager and speaks to second person

(staff reporting to the manager), giving (staff reporting to the manager), giving

feedback about some performance problemfeedback about some performance problem

– Others in group give feedback on the feedbackOthers in group give feedback on the feedback

– All discussAll discuss

– Rotate roles and repeatRotate roles and repeat

Three Communication StylesThree Communication Styles

PassivePassive– Accommodate others’ needsAccommodate others’ needs– Withhold feelings, thoughts, and wishesWithhold feelings, thoughts, and wishes– Find it hard to say noFind it hard to say no

AggressiveAggressive– Compete vigorously to maximize self-interestsCompete vigorously to maximize self-interests– Speak and act at others’ expenseSpeak and act at others’ expense– Don’t hear othersDon’t hear others– Attack othersAttack others

AssertiveAssertive

Collaborate, also willing to compromiseCollaborate, also willing to compromise

Make direct statements regarding feelings, Make direct statements regarding feelings, thoughts, and wishesthoughts, and wishes

Stand up for your rightsStand up for your rights

Consider the rights and feelings of othersConsider the rights and feelings of others

Inquire and listen activelyInquire and listen actively

Make direct requests and direct refusalsMake direct requests and direct refusals

Deal effectively with criticismDeal effectively with criticism

Practice AssertivenessPractice Assertiveness

In groups, one describes a situation they In groups, one describes a situation they want to change (perhaps related to their live want to change (perhaps related to their live case)case)

That person role-plays what they would say That person role-plays what they would say to the other, in assertive modeto the other, in assertive mode

Remaining group members give feedback, Remaining group members give feedback, all discussall discuss

Same person tries again, as necessarySame person tries again, as necessary

Rotate roles and repeatRotate roles and repeat

Self-centered or a centered self?

A self-centered person thinks things should orbit A self-centered person thinks things should orbit around him/heraround him/her

A centered self can be recognized by interest in others, lack of stress, availability, flexibility, attention, generosity, laughter, joy, fun…

A centered self sees the value of letting others do their part, of expecting others to be part of a team

A centered self can both give and receive.

Improve Personal CenteringImprove Personal Centering

Improve and use introspection and self-Improve and use introspection and self-understandingunderstanding

Let go of baggageLet go of baggage

Work on emotional balanceWork on emotional balance

Become proactive, rather than reactiveBecome proactive, rather than reactive

10 Strategies for Centering10 Strategies for Centering

http://underhile.blogspot.com/2011/04/ten-strategies-toward-becoming-centered.html

1. Allow life to unfold. Be mindful with your thoughts, words, and actions. Trust others to do the same

2. Avoid blaming, be forgiving

3. Relax, avoid seeking perfection in self & others

4. Bring resolution to all conversations, conflicts, and commitments

5. Take time everyday to appreciate life to appreciate life

6. Allow your feelings, fears, hopes, dreams. Allow your true self to be fully present

7. Recognize things as they are, accept reality

8. Be trustworthy & sincere & sincere

9. Allow yourself to perceive, think, interpret, feel, desire, & imagine in your own way. Extend that honor to others

10. Give others space; extend a hand, but respect the boundaries, beliefs, dreams, and hopes of others.

Keeping your emotional tank filled Keeping your emotional tank filled adequatelyadequately

Being a centered self opens us to all kinds of new possibilities – best of all it allows each of us to participate in life from our best selves

How often do you take daily time for yourself, to focus on what you need to replenish your tank so that you can perform well and give to others?

Make a list of things that refill your tank

Do some of these every day

“Try to pose for yourself this task: not to

think of a polar bear, and you will see that

the cursed thing will come to mind every

minute.” - Dostoevsky (1863)

What can help suppress the ‘white What can help suppress the ‘white bears’?bears’?

Pick an absorbing distractor and focus on that instead

Postpone the thought, e.g., set aside ½ hour a day for worrying

Cut back on multitasking (to reduce mental load)

Exposure (allow yourself to think in controlled ways of the thing that you want to avoid

Meditation and mindfulness

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience

Two components of mindfulnessTwo components of mindfulness

Self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience

Adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment, characterized by curiosity, openness, and acceptance

Useful source, with depth: http://www.jimhopper.com/mindfulness/

Apply Some of TheseApply Some of These

Effective listening Effective listening






Personal centeringPersonal centering

ApplicationApplication

Individual work:Individual work:– Reread notes and identify two of the main Reread notes and identify two of the main

communication & interpersonal skills concepts communication & interpersonal skills concepts you plan to use in your case and/or want to you plan to use in your case and/or want to improveimprove

– Write an action plan to develop and/or apply Write an action plan to develop and/or apply these two concepts/skillsthese two concepts/skills

In pairs:In pairs:– Discuss some of your insights and development Discuss some of your insights and development

plans (to improve and sharpen them)plans (to improve and sharpen them)

Excellent Communication Skills Are Vital in Decision Making Effective listening Advocacy and inquiry...

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