Establishing a meaningful relationship

CAPS Judy Neighbours, PhD

SASS Coordinator

Something to think about

•What have been the most powerful helping relationships you have experienced?

•Why were they powerful?

Carl Rogers•Early on we might ask –how can I change

this person or give them the right answer

•Now you might want to think- How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for their own personal growth?

• It is the person who knows what hurts, what directions to go, what problems are crucial, what experiences have been deeply buried

Abraham Maslow

•If the only tool you have is a hammer

•You tend to see every problem as a nail

B.F. Skinner

•A failure is not always a mistake. It may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances.

•The real mistake is to stop trying

Albert Ellis

•Acceptance is not love. You love a person because they have lovable traits, but you accept everybody just because they are alive and human.

•Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open and rules are flexible.

Essentials of a helping relationship•You feel trust and safety•You feel heard and understood•You feel valued and respected•You are confronted•Your needs are addressed•Adjustments are made according to your

changing needs

What makes a good relationship

•Building trust, understanding and belief•Form an alliance with your student•Empathy, non-judgmental and congruent•Warmth and engaging attitude•Strength and confidence•Consistent and dependable•Honest and show integrity•Show you care

Additional requirements

Restrain you own personal needsBe careful with self disclosureResonate what you sense is going onStay flexible

Setting the stage

•Decide who to include•Environment free of distractions•Undivided attention and concentration•Warmth communicated•Listen actively and reflect what you

understood•Discuss ground rules•Work collaboratively•Honor their view and ask for feed back

Listening

•Requires trying to understand the world of the other person

•Showing an empathetic response•Non judgmental •Unconditional positive regard•Avoid interruptions

Non verbal encouragers

•Uh-huh, I see•Non-verbal- learning forward, not of head,

appropriate facial expressions•Being aware of postures•Communication of acceptance•Facilitates self disclosure

What are questions

•To find out what the other person sees as the problem (not your interpretation)

•To discover what the other person is experiencing

•To determine what the other person wants to do about their situation

Use of open ended questions

•Who, what , when, where, how•NOT WHY•Questions are for further clarification of

what the other person said- NOT to fulfill your need for information

•Helpful in gathering information but less effective than communication of understanding and person BEING HEARD

Appropriate questions

•Tell me more about…•What are your feelings about…•Who could help…•What seems to help…•How did you feel about…•Will you explain more about…•How has it felt to talk about this today?

Reflection- a better option

•Actively listening•Clarify and paraphrase•Reflect their content and more

importantly their feelings•Be comfortable with silence•What is the person really saying to you-

their thoughts and feelings

Real listening• Paraphrase- rewording their statement to

communicate understanding and to encourage discussion ▫So what you are saying is---▫I heard you say…

• Summarize- restating by integrating what the person said about thoughts, feelings and/or behaviors

• Responding to feelings- find the important feelings• Confrontation- JUST a recognition of conflicting

messages or inconsistencies

Silence

•You cannot not communicate•Learn to sit with some silence if it is

helpful to the other person•Can be excruciating but it is useful

•Not a good idea to self disclose even if your intentions are to help them know you had a similar experience- we all experience events differently

Roadblocks to listening

•Giving orders or directions•Warning or threatening•Giving advice or making suggestions or

providing solutions•Persuading with logic or lecture•Preaching•Judging, criticizing, disagreeing or

blaming

More roadblocks

•Saying I approve•Name calling or shaming•Reassuring or sympathizing•Questioning and probing for facts•Withdrawing, distracting, humoring or

changing the subject

Summary

•The goal is to really hear what the other person has to say

•So listen and attend•Try to keep your own mouth shut except

to clarify and acknowledge understanding•Find out what they want to do about the

situation•Offer resources but not suggestions