Essay Paragraph Revision Assignment...
Transcript of Essay Paragraph Revision Assignment...
H:\AP Lang\07 Essay\Revision\Kass Sample Revision White Oleander Rev. 2.06.doc 1
Essay Paragraph Revision Assignment For this assignment you are to choose one paragraph from an in-class essay on which to focus your revision. Think about areas of revision—not editing—on which you need to improve:
Development of paragraphs
Explanation of rhetorical features
Analysis and effects of rhetorical features
Sentence structure or syntax
Although you are more than welcome to edit your text for mechanical errors or improved word choice, you will be focusing on revision in your writing. The Specifics
1. Reread one, two, or more in-class essays, and choose a single paragraph on which to work.
2. Draw a box around the paragraph.
3. In a word processing document, type your original paragraph, making any editing changes you’d like.
4. At the top of your document, type a list of the revision areas on which you’ll focus.
5. Reread your typed paragraph and begin rethinking your presentation of ideas.
6. Delete, add, and rework sentences.
We will use this printed assignment in class, so be certain that you thoroughly improve your paragraph. Attached are examples for your reference.
H:\AP Lang\07 Essay\Revision\Kass Sample Revision White Oleander Rev. 2.06.doc 2
Sample Essay Paragraph Revision Assignment—1
+ Development
Astrid’s guilt weighs down on her, but she can’t do anything as described through
tiring repetition. She is weak and helpless in “heavy days” with “heavy wings.” The echo of
“heavy” emphasizes that Astrid’s guilt is a load that she carries with her. This burden
restricts her movement and her happiness. She is trapped by what happened, and there
seems to be no escape. Police want to know wheat happened, but Astrid can’t lie to help
Ingrid. Ingrid’s “white eyeballs” show no mercy. Astrid does not want the blame for
Ingrid’s arrest. She prays for “white milk,” “milk down the gutter,” and “milk like tears.”
Ingrid haunts Astrid causing desperation for mercy. The reappearance of “white” and “milk”
illustrates this plea driven by shame. Ingrid ties Astrid down with blame, preventing
anything else from entering her thoughts. Astrid becomes preoccupied with hoping for
sympathy. Her sympathy does not come, and all she has to cling to is sorrow.
H:\AP Lang\07 Essay\Revision\Kass Sample Revision White Oleander Rev. 2.06.doc 3
Essay Paragraph Revision Assignment—2
H:\AP Lang\07 Essay\Revision\Kass Sample Revision White Oleander Rev. 2.06.doc 4
-Sentence structure
-Clarity of ideas
-Explanation
In the middle of the passage, Fitch shifts into ironic diction. With her words, she
shows the reader that Starr and her family believe going to church and having religion is
very important. The family’s distorted view of God, however, is not what is keeping them
together. Uncle Ray gets “stoned” before entering the sanctuary, displaying the fact that
although he values being with his family on Easter, he does not believe that going to church
as a family is a worth while way to be together. Starr’s eyes “beg” the pastor for the
“blood” of Christ, showing her desperation to find a way to excuse all of the mistakes she
has made through the alliterative “b” sound, and demonstrating her need to believe in
something greater to be motivated to better herself and her life. Astrid “pray[s]” to “feel”
that there is something “bigger than just [her]” in the world because she fears being alone.
She uses God to curb the loneliness she feels from losing her mother. Astrid and her family
cast all of their burdens onto the “sagging Jesus” at the front of the “cinder block” church as
a last attempt to patch up their family’s problems. Fitch’s ironic diction shows that Astrid’s
family turns to the concept of a greater being to solve their problems, even though their
view of religion is not the key to saving the family.
H:\AP Lang\07 Essay\Revision\Kass Sample Revision White Oleander Rev. 2.06.doc 5
Essay Paragraph Revision Assignment—3
H:\AP Lang\07 Essay\Revision\Kass Sample Revision White Oleander Rev. 2.06.doc 6
• Sentence structure • Word choice
Kate uses multiple comparisons in her closing speech to explain how wives should
behave and how she has changed. Kate’s simile “a woman moved is like a fountain
troubled” displays that rebellious and angry women are “bereft of beauty” and “dry or
thirsty.” Like a person unable to drink out of a dirty fountain, a defiant woman will be
unable to quench her thirst. This misery is accentuated by the simile “blots thy beauty as
frosts do bite the meads.” If women do not obey their husbands, they will suffer like
meadows do after the frost. The metaphoric “prince” demonstrates how important Kate
finds her husband. Kate considers “love, fair looks and true obedience” “too little payment
for so great a debt.” She compares a “subject” to a “women” and a “prince” to a “husband”
to cement her view. These simile’s and metaphors emphasize Kate’s view of how women
should behave for their husbands.