EP160/SC1. EXT. ST. PHIL’S. DAY. 08:05 MRS. TEMBE NSE...

EPISODE 160 – LEBKUCKEN VS PAPPARKAKOR – SHOOTING SCRIPT

31 AUGUST 2011

1

EP160/SC1. EXT. ST. PHIL’S. DAY. 08:05

MRS. TEMBE

NSE DOCTORS

[“WHITE CHRISTMAS” PLAYS OVER THE FIRST

THREE SCENES.

MRS. TEMBE TUTS CENSORIOUSLY AT EXITING

MEDICS WEARING TINSEL HALOS AND STRAP ON

WINGS. SHE STOPS TO GIVE THEM HER MOST

WITHERING LOOK AND A HUGE DOLLOP OF BIRD

POO LANDS ON HER SHOULDER.

THE DOCTORS MAKE A FEEBLE ATTEMPT NOT TO

GUFFAW AND FAIL. SHE IS APPALLED AND

HUMILIATED]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

2

EP160/SC2. INT. DANIEL’S HOUSE. KITCHEN. DAY. 08:10

DANIEL, JIMMI, CHERRY

[MUSIC CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND ON RADIO.

LOW VOLUME.

BOXES AROUND THE KITCHEN. AT THE TABLE –

IT‟S TENSE – THEIR CONVERSATION IS

UNCOMFORTABLE AND FORCED]

JIMMI:

Quiet in that back bedroom.

DANIEL:

It is. (BEAT) Quiet in here.

CHERRY:

I could turn the radio up?

DANIEL:

(ALMOST FEARFUL) I‟d rather not risk waking her.

JIMMI:

More toast?

[DANIEL SHAKES HIS HEAD. THEY ALL JUMP UP AS

LOUD BANGING COMES FROM THE HALL]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

3

EP160/SC3. INT. HESTON’S HOUSE. KITCHEN. DAY. 08:11

HESTON, MARINA

[MUSIC CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND ON RADIO.

TWO DISTINCT BAKING ARENAS.

BLUE: HESTON – GERMAN LEBKUCHEN BISCUITS.

RED: MARINA – SWEDISH PAPPARKAKOR.

THEY PREPARE FOR GENIAL AND HAPPY COOKING

COMBAT]

HESTON:

(THEATRICAL/PLAYFUL) Back out now… I promise not to mock.

MARINA:

I may only bake Christmas biscuits – Heston Blumenthal – but I bake „em

to die for.

HESTON:

My Lebkuchen are a universally acknowledged triumph.

MARINA:

Seriously Heston? Seriously? You bring that boring old German fancy to

the table against my Papparkakor?

HESTON:

“Papparkakor”? You‟re making it up.

MARINA:

(RAISING HER SPOON) Take that back…

[LAUGHING, HESTON RAISES HIS HANDS

SUBMISSIVELY]

MARINA:

Swedish Christmas biscuits.

HESTON:

Can‟t cook, won‟t cook, but knocks up Papparkakor?

MARINA:

White pepper‟s the secret.

HESTON:

I‟m sure it is. (RAISING A WHISK) To the best chef – the tinsel crown.

[MARINA SALUTES WITH A WOODEN SPOON]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

4

EP160/SC4. INT. DANIEL’S HOUSE. HALLWAY. DAY. 08:12

DANIEL, ZARA, JIMMI, CHERRY

[BOXES IN THE HALL. ZARA IS HOLDING A HEELED

SLIPPER AND IS TRYING TO LEVER OFF A SECTION

OF PANEL WITH A BUTTER KNIFE AS THE OTHERS

ENCIRCLE HER]

ZARA:

You can‟t stop me.

DANIEL:

That‟s a butter knife. How far are you going to get with a butter knife?

JIMMI:

(CONCERNED) Did you sleep?

ZARA:

Did I sleep? With faux baronial cladding mocking me throughout the night?

Are you mad?

CHERRY:

It‟s not Jimmi who‟s mad.

[ZARA GIVES CHERRY A WITHERING LOOK –

CHERRY COULDN‟T CARE LESS]

ZARA:

(TO JIMMI) That he imagined I could make my home (BEAT) here…

defies comprehension.

DANIEL:

I only thought… (we could start to settle)

ZARA:

(OVER HIM – POINTING THE BUTTER KNIFE) Don‟t think. You

know what happens when you think. I don‟t want to be here – I‟m

pregnant not design-challenged.

JIMMI:

Daniel only wanted…

[ZARA POINTS THE BUTTER KNIFE AT JIMMI WHO

RAISES HIS HANDS SUBMISSIVELY. CHERRY

SIGHS/HUFFS]

ZARA:

Have any of you the slightest idea how much I hate this place? How much I

hate all of you right now?


31 AUGUST 2011

5

CHERRY:

(QUIETLY – SHE‟S NOT THAT BRAVE) And a merry Christmas to you

too.

DANIEL:

Cherry… please… Zara‟s upset.

[ZARA THRUSTS HER “TOOLS” INTO DANIEL‟S

HANDS]

ZARA:

You think this is upset?

[ZARA STALKS OFF WITH IMAGINED DIGNITY –

BUT SHE‟S WEARING ONLY ONE HEEL]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

6

EP160/SC5. INT. ST. PHIL’S. JOSEPH’S ROOM. DAY. 08:31

MRS. TEMBE, JOSEPH, REV STANHOPE

[JOSEPH MANNING (20’S) IS RECOVERING FROM

AN APPENDECTOMY. MRS. TEMBE SITS AT

JOSEPH‟S BEDSIDE PLAYING A GAME OF SNAKES

AND LADDERS]

JOSEPH:

In some countries bird poo is lucky.

MRS. TEMBE:

Joseph please, enough. (THROWS THE DICE) Six!

[MRS. TEMBE MOVES HER COUNTER AND HER

SMILE FADES. JOSEPH HAS ALREADY WORKED

OUT SHE‟LL LAND ON THE LONGEST SNAKE]

JOSEPH:

Snake! (REMEMBERING TO BE KIND) Sorry, shame. But it‟s only a

game and we can finish tomorrow.

MRS. TEMBE:

You will be back at Violet Hill tomorrow, but remember where we are and

we will finish it next time I visit you.

JOSEPH:

(WITH CHILDISH CERTAINTY) You have to be getting off because you

have to be at The Mill in twenty nine minutes.

[MRS. TEMBE SMILES AT HIM INDULGENTLY AND

RUBS HIS HEAD. SHE STARTS PUTTING HER COAT

ON]

MRS. TEMBE:

Such an excellent timekeeper.

JOSEPH:

Last year I had to wait one hundred and forty three minutes until it was time

to open presents – we‟re not allowed until eight o‟clock.

MRS. TEMBE:

And what did Father Christmas bring you Joseph?

JOSEPH:

A watch.


31 AUGUST 2011

7

[JOSEPH PROUDLY RAISES HIS WRIST. MRS. TEMBE

SEES REV STANHOPE PASSING THE DOOR AND

STARTS HURRYING]

MRS. TEMBE:

I must go. (AS SHE LEAVES) I will see you again before Christmas.

[JOSEPH LOOKS AT HIS WATCH]

JOSEPH:

What time exactly?

[OUT ON JOSEPH STUDYING HIS WATCH]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

8

EP160/SC6. INT. ST. PHIL’S. CORRIDOR. DAY. 08:32

MRS. TEMBE, REV STANHOPE

NSE HOSPITAL STAFF

[CONTINUOUS.

MRS. TEMBE RUSHES TO CATCH REV STANHOPE]

MRS. TEMBE:

(TAPPING HIS SHOULDER) Reverend, may I have a word.

REV. STANHOPE:

(WITH A SIGH) Is it about carols?

MRS. TEMBE:

It is about gravy.

REV. STANHOPE:

(RESIGNED) Ah… “More of gravy than of grave”?

MRS. TEMBE:

I beg your pardon? I have been demoted to bread sauce and brandy butter…

REV. STANHOPE:

Charles Dickens. A Christmas Carol?

MRS. TEMBE:

It is a travesty not unrelated to my criticism…

REV. STANHOPE:

Let me explain…

MRS. TEMBE:

(DISGUSTED) … last year she put cranberry juice in the Christmas

gravy…

REV. STANHOPE:

Delores was on Masterchef…

MRS. TEMBE:

People who spend all year eating out of bins could not stomach that

Christmas gravy. And now Delores Hamilton in charge?

REV. STANHOPE:

She and her husband are donating the turkey.

MRS. TEMBE:

Usurers in the temple of Our Lord.


31 AUGUST 2011

9

REV. STANHOPE:

A little harsh…

MRS. TEMBE:

I do not think so.

REV. STANHOPE:

Actually Mrs. Tembe there is something I want you to do for me. I need to

find the perfect home for a visiting theology student…

MRS. TEMBE:

(SARCASTIC) I‟m sure Delores will be extremely accommodating.

REV. STANHOPE:

No she won‟t. Because when it comes to hospitality and kindness I don‟t

have a parishioner more generous of spirit than you.

[MRS. TEMBE LOOKS SPACED OUT WITH JOY]

REV. STANHOPE:

Are you alright?

MRS. TEMBE:

Your student will live in my house? (TO THE REV‟S NOD) I feel… I

feel as if I have gone up the ladder from number two right to the top of the

board.

REV. STANHOPE:

Good. We‟ll finalise the details before the festivities. His name is Akono

Mezu.

[SPEECHLESS MRS. TEMBE CAN ONLY NOD]

REV. STANHOPE:

And Mrs. Tembe – one other thing – there will be no cranberry juice in

the Christmas gravy this year – you have my word of that.

[MRS. TEMBE‟S CUP RUNNETH OVER!]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

10


HESTON, MARINA

[COOKING MONTAGE TO “WALKING IN THE AIR”.

HESTON SQUEEZES RUNNY HONEY INTO MELTING

BUTTER ON THE STOVE.

MARINA SIFTS FLOUR.

HESTON WEIGHS SUGAR.

CLOSE ON MARINA MEASURING A TABLESPOON OF

WHITE PEPPER INTO FLOUR IN A BOWL – IT

SHOULD HAVE BEEN A TEASPOON – IT FLOATS

INTO THE BOWL LIKE SNOW]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

11

EP160/SC8. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. RECEPTION.

DAY. 10:00

MRS. TEMBE, JULIA, ELAINE, KEVIN, BARRY

NSE PATIENTS

[BARRY IS WEARING A COAT OVER HIS CHRISTMAS

JUMPER AND HAS A HOLDALL AT HIS FEET.

JULIA‟S AT THE COMPUTER – SHE DOESN‟T SMILE

UNTIL THE VERY END OF THE EPISODE. ELAINE IS

HOVERING AS A PAINFULLY SLOW PATIENT

ZIMMERS TOWARDS THE DOUBLE DOORS. KEVIN

IS READING THROUGH A PRINTOUT. THE

COLLECTING TIN IS FOR THE ST PHIL‟S HOSPITAL

RADIO CHILDREN‟S CHARITY APPEAL]

BARRY:

(PICKING UP AND SHAKING THE COLLECTING TIN) Not bad

considering the economic climate.

MRS. TEMBE:

(TAPPING BARRY‟S HAND) Can you leave it until later? There are

many patients today (GIVING ELAINE A LOOK) and several of my

colleagues have so far neglected to make a donation.

ELAINE:

(EMBARRASSED) I‟m going to the cashpoint at lunch time.

[ELAINE FOLLOWS HER PATIENT]

JULIA:

Take it – it‟ll only be pennies, buttons and washers anyway.

[MRS. TEMBE SNATCHES THE TIN AND PUTS IT

BACK. JULIA SHRUGS – MISERABLE AND IGNORED]

MRS. TEMBE:

Akono Mezu is a student of theology. A learned young man from Nigeria

who could go on to become a vicar or maybe even higher.

BARRY:

What like a Bishop? An Archbishop?

KEVIN:

A Pope?

[MRS. TEMBE TURNS TO KEVIN WHO GIVES AN

UNAPOLOGETIC SHRUG AND WANDERS OFF]


31 AUGUST 2011

12

BARRY:

He‟s landed on his feet stoppin‟ with you any road.

MRS. TEMBE:

(PROUDLY) I believe the Reverend made the right selection.

BARRY:

I bet you iron your sheets don‟t you Mrs. Tembe? Keep your Coco Pops in

Tupperware?

[MRS. TEMBE GIGGLES GIRLISHLY]

BARRY:

What about you Ms. Parsons? Looking forward to a proper Christmas?

JULIA:

Well, if you want to know…

BARRY:

(INTERRUPTING / LOOKING AT HIS WATCH) Oops, sorry, is that the

time? Godda go. Sorry. (PROUDLY) You heard I‟m covering the Frank

Battley show?

[HIS LACK OF TIME FOR HER STINGS]

JULIA:

Hospital radio Frank Battley?

BARRY:

Slipped on a bit of bratwurst at the German Market last night.

JULIA:

(GATHERING SOME PAPERS) nice to know someone‟s having a worse

Christmas than me. (TO MRS. TEMBE) Don‟t forget I‟m due over at

Stalag Campus later…

BARRY:

Is a bit grim there.

MRS. TEMBE:

(TO BARRY) Actually I was visiting at St. Philomena‟s this morning when

the Reverend Stanhope told me about Akono.

[JULIA ROLLS HER EYES AS SHE WALKS TOWARDS

HER ROOM]

JULIA:

(TURNING BACK) Mrs. Tembe – please – less about holy lodgers and

hospital visiting.


31 AUGUST 2011

13

[THE LIGHTS FLICKER]

JULIA:

(CLEARLY PEEVED) The electrics? I have asked you twice now, will

you please phone them.

MRS. TEMBE:

(PICKING UP THE PHONE) Yes, yes – straight away.

[JULIA GOES. MRS. TEMBE PRESSES REDIAL AND

LISTENS BUT TALKS TO BARRY]

BARRY:

(LOOKING CONCERNED) She alright?

MRS. TEMBE:

(WITH A SHRUG) There are those who see no sparkle in tinsel. Engaged.

(PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN) Anyway as I was saying… Akono…

BARRY:

Nah! I can‟t stand it when she‟s miserable…

[BARRY PICKS UP HIS BAG AND RUSHES AFTER

JULIA]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

14

EP160/SC9. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. JULIA’S

OFFICE. DAY. 10:01

JULIA, BARRY

[CONTINUOUS. JULIA HASN‟T SAT DOWN BEFORE

BARRY‟S KNOCKED AND ENTERED AND IS FISHING

A HIDEOUS, HUGE, SINGING, BUM WIGGLING

FATHER CHRISTMAS OUT OF HIS BAG AND

PUTTING IT ON HER DESK]

BARRY:

„Ere – if I give you a lend of this will you please give us a smile?

[BARRY STARES AT JULIA. NO SIGN OF A SMILE]

BARRY:

Ah man! If the bum-wiggly Santa doesn‟t do it for ya… what will?!

[JULIA SHRUGS, STILL GLUM]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

15


CHERRY, JIMMI

[INTERCUT WITH SC11. JIMMI IS TRYING TO KEEP

CHERRY CALM AS SHE RINSES CROCKERY FOR HIM

TO PUT IN THE DISHWASHER]

CHERRY:

I mean – it‟s nearly Christmas. I wouldn‟t mind but she clearly doesn‟t

intend lifting a finger. Who does she think she is?

[JIMMI HANDS A PLATE BACK

INTERCUT HERE.

CHERRY RE-RINSES THE PLATE]

JIMMI:

(COMEDY FISTICUFFS) You want me to duff her up? Just say. I could

take her.

CHERRY:

It‟s not funny. She‟s vile.

JIMMI:

She doesn‟t want to live here.

CHERRY:

But would it kill her to be polite?

JIMMI:

We are talking about Zara.

CHERRY:

She‟s just so rude.

[INTERCUT HERE]

CHERRY:

She‟s a monster. Poor Daniel having to put up with that. (HANDING

JIMMI THE PLATE – HE HESITATES) Just put it in the dishwasher

Jimmi!

[INTERCUT HERE]

JIMMI:

Look, my vote is we give her a chance and we try and make the most of

Christmas. What d‟you say?


31 AUGUST 2011

16

CHERRY:

I have been trying. But this is our Christmas too Jimmi and now we‟re

stuck with Momzilla up there.

JIMMI:

I know – but try a bit more… for me? Try and let it wash over you.

CHERRY:

Wash over me or drown me?

JIMMI:

Can‟t we just have Christmas?

[INTERCUT HERE.

CHERRY CLOSES THE DISHWASHER WITH HER

FOOT]

CHERRY:

OK I‟ll try. I promise, but only because you asked me and I love you and

it‟s Christmas.

[JIMMI KISSES HER]

CHERRY:

But I‟m telling you now – I‟m giving her one more chance and that‟s it. If

she doesn‟t start making an effort I‟m going to do some renovations of my

own… on her face.

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

17

EP160/SC11. INT. DANIEL’S HOUSE. BEDROOM. DAY. 11:35

ZARA, DANIEL

[INTERCUT WITH SC10. DANIEL PACES WHILST

ZARA TWEEZERS STRAY BROWS]

ZARA:

It‟ll be all “Whose turn is it to empty the dishwasher” and “Who had the

last mince pie”… and that giggle… I deserve better than this.

[INTERCUT HERE]

ZARA:

And if you think I‟m going to be walking on egg shells…

DANIEL:

We‟re all going to need to be polite.

ZARA:

What is this anyway? The Munsters?

[INTERCUT HERE]

DANIEL:

I made a mistake. I can see that – I got carried away.

ZARA:

You were delusional.

DANIEL:

But does everybody have to suffer?

ZARA:

Why not? (DISBELIEVING) You brought me to live in “Chez Chimmi”.

DANIEL:

But I need you to try, please.

ZARA:

After you went behind my back and showed such a breathtaking lack of

judgement… why should I try?

DANIEL:

Because it‟s Christmas – our first proper Christmas, me, you and the bump.

Just give it a chance.

[INTERCUT HERE.


31 AUGUST 2011

18

DANIEL PUTS HIS HANDS ON ZARA‟S SHOULDERS.

SHE INSTANTLY SHRUGS THEM OFF AND IN SO

DOING JABS HERSELF]

ZARA:

Ow!

DANIEL:

Sorry. Can‟t we just get through Christmas?

ZARA:

Then what?

DANIEL:

Whatever you want – strip it all out, new kitchen, extend… (TO ZARA‟S

LOOK OF THAT‟S-ALL-CAC) Then, if after a couple of months you still

hate it…

ZARA:

I will.

DANIEL:

If you still hate it then, we‟ll move. Promise.

[INTERCUT HERE]

DANIEL:

So you‟ll try?

ZARA:

Define “try”.

DANIEL:

Please. I‟m asking you, I love you… it‟s Christmas.

ZARA:

OK, OK. But if the pink one does anything to wind me up…

[DANIEL‟S REASSURED BY SCANT REASSURANCE]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

19

EP160/SC12. INT. THE CAMPUS SURGERY. RECEPTION.

DAY. 11:45

KAREN, IMOGEN, ROB, FREYA

[FREYA AND KAREN ARE SITTING STARING

VACANTLY]

KAREN:

I‟m so bored.

FREYA:

You‟re not fizzing with excitement about Mrs. Tembe‟s saintly lodger then?

KAREN:

(SIGHING) Don‟t. She‟s phoning me later to tell me the rest.

[IMOGEN APPEARS IN A HIDEOUS CHRISTMAS HAT

THAT SHE‟S JAZZED UP WITH BELLS, SHE‟S JOYFUL

AND OVER EXCITED. ROB, IN UNIFORM, FOLLOWS

HER. SHE HAS TWO CHRISTMAS CRACKERS]

IMOGEN:

Ho ho ho! I‟m off to do my bit for the Big Baz Show.

FREYA:

Interesting hat.

IMOGEN:

Jealous?

FREYA:

(SHE KIND OF IS) Oddly…

KAREN:

(TO ROB) I thought you were dropping her at St. Phil‟s?

ROB:

I am. But you sounded so fed up I thought our very own little ray of

Christmas sunshine…

[IMOGEN DOES A SUPER-SMILEY FACE AND TAKES

A BOW]

ROB:

…might help.

KAREN:

You‟ll be late for work.


31 AUGUST 2011

20

IMOGEN:

(POINTING CRACKERS AT KAREN AND FREYA) Go on you know

you want to!

[THEY TAKE HOLD BUT NEITHER SMILES]

IMOGEN:

Get me out of here dad! They‟re turning Christmas all cold!

[ROB PARTICULARLY LOVES HIS IMOGEN TODAY]

.

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

21


HESTON, MARINA

[MUSIC – LIBERA‟S “LACRYMOSA”. ICING SUGAR

FALLS LIKE SNOW ON HESTON‟S LEBKUCHEN AND

MARINA‟S PAPPARKAKOR. EACH SELECTS THE

BEST FROM THEIR RESPECTIVE COOLING RACKS]

HESTON:

Ladies first.

[MARINA NIBBLES THE LEBKUCHEN. HESTON

STUDIES HER INTENTLY. MARINA CHEWS,

NODDING APPROVAL]

MARINA:

(EXCITED) Now… try my Papparkakor.

[HESTON BITES THEN CHEWS. THE BISCUIT IS VILE

– VASTLY TOO MUCH PEPPER – HESTON ALMOST

MANAGES TO DISGUISE HIS REPULSION]

MARINA:

Well…?

HESTON:

(TRYING NOT TO COUGH) Delicious.

MARINA:

And…?

HESTON:

(FORCING ANOTHER BITE) Moreish.

[MARINA STUDIES HESTON‟S FACE – SHE KNOWS

HE‟S LYING – SNATCHING THE BISCUIT OUT OF

HIS HAND HER EXCITEMENT EVAPORATES AS SHE

BITES IT. HER FACE CONTORTS. SHE SPITS INTO

HASTILY TORN OFF KITCHEN PAPER]

MARINA:

Why would you do that!

[HESTON‟S NOT SURE WHAT HE‟S DONE]

MARINA:

“Moreish”? “Moreish”? There‟s way too much pepper. They‟re inedible

and you say they‟re delicious?


31 AUGUST 2011

22

HESTON:

They‟re not that… (bad)

MARINA:

Stop it! I hate it when people tell lies.

[MARINA TURNS AWAY]

HESTON:

(BEGINNING NERVOUSLY) A little white Christmas lie? I thought they

were supposed to be like that… I thought they were just (BEAT) weirdly

Scandinavian…

[MARINA TURNS HER EXPRESSIONLESS FACE TO

HIM – HE‟S GOT NOTHING TO LOSE…]

HESTON:

…like Ulrika Jonsson.

[A LONG BEAT. WILL SHE KICK OFF? NO. MARINA

LAUGHS (PHEW!) AND OPENS THE BIN]

HESTON:

(RELIEVED) They‟re really not that… (MARINA RAISES AN

EYEBROW COMICALLY) They‟re horrible.

[MARINA BINS THE PAPPARKAKOR]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

23


JOSEPH, REV STANHOPE, BARRY (OOV)

[PAPER AND FELT PENS ARE ON JOSEPH‟S OVER-

THE-BED TABLE AND SLADE‟S “MERRY XMAS

EVERYBODY” IS ON THE RADIO. REV STANHOPE‟S

BY THE BED]

REV STANHOPE:

I‟m so sorry Joseph.

JOSEPH:

They should let me be sent home.

REV STANHOPE:

They have to make sure you‟re properly better for Christmas. That‟s why

they won‟t discharge you today.

JOSEPH:

I won‟t go on the minibus?

REV STANHOPE:

(SHAKING HIS HEAD) No, not this year.

[THE SONG FINISHES. THERE‟S AN AMATEURISH

PAUSE / SCRAMBLE BEFORE BARRY SPEAKS]

JOSEPH:

But it‟s my favourite thing after presents.

[REV STANHOPE PULLS A COMMISERATING FACE]

BARRY: (OOV)

Way to go Slade – respect to Noddy, Dave… and erm the other two.

Right… Big Baz‟s Christmas Wish Competition. Write it out, name and

ward and my little helper‟ll be round before the end of the show.

[JOSEPH GRABS HIS PEN AS – THE POGUES

“FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK” STARTS]

JOSEPH:

(EXCITED) I‟ve got a Christmas wish!

[THE MUSIC FADES SUDDENLY]

BARRY: (OOV)

When I say Christmas “wish” like I mean within reason – not a Christmas

miracle.


31 AUGUST 2011

24

[MUSIC COMES BACK UP. JOSEPH STARTS

DRAWING]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

25


DAY. 13:20

MRS. TEMBE

NSE PATIENTS, NSE THIEF & CHILD

[THE THIEF AND HER CHILD LOOK MIDDLE-CLASS-

NORMAL. MRS. TEMBE IS ON THE PHONE TO

KAREN]

MRS. TEMBE:

I believe that if pride rides out on horseback it returns on foot. I am not a

person to parade my successes but I will have to commiserate personally

with Delores Hamilton, she must feel so slighted.

[THE THIEF COUGHS]

MRS. TEMBE:

(IMPERIOUSLY) I am on the phone to our other surgery.

[MRS. TEMBE TURNS AWAY FROM THE THIEF IN

ORDER TO CONTINUE HER CONVERSATION. THE

THIEF EYES THE TIN]

MRS. TEMBE:

For his first evening I am planning a fish and chip supper…

[THE THIEF DEFTLY SLIPS THE TIN UNDER HER

COAT]

MRS. TEMBE:

… thoroughly British. Though mushy peas will be too much for Mr

Mezu… the first time I saw mushy peas I believed somebody had already

eaten them.

[THIEF AND CHILD EXIT, MRS. TEMBE TURNS BUT

DOESN‟T NOTICE THE MISSING TIN]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

26

EP160/SC16. INT. DANIEL’S HOUSE. LOUNGE. DAY. 13:25

JIMMI, CHERRY, ZARA, DANIEL

[DANIEL, CHERRY AND JIMMI ARE READING. ZARA

ENTERS. DANIEL PULLS A PLEASE-BE-NICE FACE.

JIMMI LOOKS UP AND ZARA SMILES AT HIM – BIT

SCARY – CHERRY DOESN‟T LOOK UP. ZARA SITS]

ZARA:

Where‟s my book?

DANIEL:

I can go and… (have a look)

ZARA:

I don‟t want to read.

[CHERRY AND JIMMI EXCHANGE A FURTIVE

GLANCE. A LONG, TENSE, SILENT BEAT]

ZARA:

(TO CHERRY) Interesting article?

CHERRY:

You wouldn‟t think so.

ZARA:

Try me.

CHERRY:

The dumbest things celebrities have done in 2011.

ZARA:

Daniel! Such a pity you‟re not a celeb – think of the column inches.

CHERRY:

(UNDERSTANDING THE JIBE) How‟s that?

ZARA:

Isn‟t this just about the dumbest thing he‟s ever done?

DANIEL:

(CLOSING HIS BOOK) I thought you were going to try.

ZARA:

I tried.

DANIEL:

(PLEADING) We‟re really going to do this again? Now?


31 AUGUST 2011

27

ZARA:

Nothing to read.

[EMBARRASSED FOR DANIEL, CHERRY AND JIMMI

FEIGN READING]

DANIEL:

I thought I was doing something good Zara.

ZARA:

You know what thought did.

DANIEL:

I got it wrong. OK… I persuaded myself I‟d be making you happy – that I

was doing the best thing for us… for you and me and for the baby. Clearly I

lost perspective and…

ZARA:

And ruined Christmas – don‟t forget that – with your almighty screw up.

DANIEL:

(EXHAUSTED BY THIS) I know – people warned me…

ZARA:

What! Other people knew… besides them?

CHERRY:

We are in the room.

ZARA:

Whereas I never wanted to be – in fact if I could… (PONDERING /

ENTHUSED) I can! I can book myself into an hotel. I can just walk away.

CHERRY:

(WITHOUT LOOKING UP) Oh please do.

ZARA:

I beg your pardon?

CHERRY:

You heard.

JIMMI:

Cherry…

ZARA:

(SCHOOLGIRL) Yes Cherry.


31 AUGUST 2011

28

CHERRY:

It‟s Christmas. What about counting your blessings? We‟re technically

homeless. Do you hear us whinging? No. Do we want to make the best of

things? Yes.

ZARA:

Oh that‟s right Tiny Tim. Gawd bless us one an‟ all!

CHERRY:

You‟ve got a great life, a healthy baby on the way and Daniel…

ZARA:

Pah!

CHERRY:

… who loves you so much he bought you a house.

DANIEL:

She‟s got a point.

ZARA:

It was this house!

JIMMI:

It‟s an alright house…

ZARA:

(EXASPERATED) Too many freaks, not enough side shows.

[CHERRY CHUCKS HER MAGAZINE ASIDE AND

STANDS OVER ZARA]

CHERRY:

You rude, self-centred cow! Keep this up and you won‟t have to walk

anywhere… „cause I‟ll throw you out.

[ZARA CAN‟T SAY “YOU AND WHOSE ARMY”

BEFORE CHERRY SILENCES HER WITH

THREATENING, POINTING FINGER…

WHOA! DANIEL AND JIMMI LOOK AT EACH OTHER

IN ALARM – DRASTIC ACTION REQUIRED]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

29

EP160/SC17. INT. ST. PHIL’S. JOSEPH’S ROOM / CORRIDOR.

DAY. 13:26

IMOGEN, JOSEPH

[JOSEPH SITS UP IN BED WITH HIS EYES SQUEEZED

SHUT AND HIS FINGERS CROSSED ON BOTH HANDS.

IMOGEN‟S ON HER WAY OUT WITH HIS WISH]

IMOGEN:

Ho ho ho! Fingers crossed.

JOSEPH:

You mustn‟t open it. You have to take it to Big Baz.

IMOGEN:

Gotcha!

[IMOGEN EXITS INTO THE CORRIDOR

SURREPTITIOUSLY READING. HER EXPRESSION

SAYS, “AHH”]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

30

EP160/SC18. SCENE CUT


31 AUGUST 2011

31

EP160/SC19. INT. HESTON’S HOUSE. LOUNGE. DAY. 13:30

HESTON, MARINA

[THE TREE IS IN PLACE, THE LIGHTS ON IT IN

PREPARATION FOR THE LAID OUT DECORATIONS.

HESTON‟S USED A SHORT STEPLADDER. THEY‟RE

SITTING TOGETHER. ON MARINA‟S LAP IS A SMALL

DOG-EARED BOX, WHICH SHE OPENS TO REVEAL A

DELICATE, THIN GLASS BAUBLE. HESTON TAKES

IT]

MARINA:

Be very careful…

HESTON:

Beautiful.

MARINA:

(TAKING IT BACK / REMEMBERING) I was six. I didn‟t get picked for

the nativity and it broke my heart. But my mum… The number fifty into

town. “One and a half to The Bullring please”. Upstairs. She smoked

Number Six, tipped. We sat at the front.

HESTON:

Different world.

MARINA:

The big beer glass advert – the whole side of a building. Demolished now.

Lights going on and off in rows so it filled up and emptied. There was a

café that served food on steel plates. (WINKING) Glamorous!

HESTON:

Indeed!

MARINA:

Macaroni cheese, from a tin, on a steel plate. It was the best thing I had

ever tasted. I felt so special, with my mum, all grownup.

HESTON:

(TAKING THE BAUBLE) You bought this then?

MARINA:

Mum said did I want a Knickerbocker Glory? I did – but I wanted to keep

feeling like a grown-up more, so I said no.

HESTON:

Bless.


31 AUGUST 2011

32

MARINA:

Then Christmas shopping, stuff for the boys and the last thing we bought

was that. “Carry it carefully… it‟ll break if you drop it.”

HESTON:

Precious cargo.

MARINA:

The bus home and she promised me we‟d come into Birmingham every year

to buy another lovely… we‟d buy so many lovelies we‟d have the best tree

in all of Kings Heath.

[MARINA TAKES THE BAUBLE AND LOOKS INTO IT.

LONG BEAT]

MARINA:

By the next Christmas she was too ill for buses. I‟ve been carrying it

carefully ever since.

[ON HESTON‟S LOVE / EMPATHY]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

33



[SUMMIT-LIKE, JIMMI-THE-HEADMASTER‟S TAKEN

CHARGE. CHERRY AND ZARA SIT AT OPPOSITE

SIDES OF THE TABLE. DANIEL‟S A BYSTANDER]

JIMMI:

Right – this is how it is going to happen. We are going to make the most

of the situation we are in.

CHERRY:

That‟s what… (I said)

JIMMI:

Shush! I‟ve had enough.

DANIEL:

Hear! Hear!

JIMMI:

And you. We wouldn‟t be here if it wasn‟t for you.

DANIEL:

Mate…

JIMMI:

Right – so ideas, suggestions. What are we going to do to try and make

this work?

[SILENCE]

JIMMI:

Anyone? Zara?

[ODDLY CHASTENED ZARA SHRUGS]

JIMMI:

Daniel?

ZARA:

Hasn‟t he done enough?

JIMMI:

(SCARY) What part of I have had enough is an issue for you?

[ZARA LOOKS EMBARRASSED. CHERRY

TENTATIVELY RAISES HER HAND. JIMMI NODS TO

HER]


31 AUGUST 2011

34

CHERRY:

There‟s bound to be stuff we can unpack that‟ll make things better.

DANIEL:

TV‟s in the garage.

JIMMI:

That‟s sorted then. We‟re going to work together – find a bit of a silver

lining. (BEAT / CHALLENGING) Zara?

ZARA:

(QUIETLY / TEENAGE) OK.

JIMMI:

What was that?

ZARA:

(LOUDER) I said “OK”.

JIMMI:

Good.

[ZARA FORCES A FAKE SMILE]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

35


DAY. 14:30

MRS. TEMBE, ELAINE

[ELAINE‟S CORNERED]

MRS. TEMBE:

And I will insist he write proper letters home. None of this “zapping” an

email. The Reverend will approve.

[ELAINE LOOKS AT THE SPOT WHERE THE

COLLECTING TIN WAS AND KNITS HER BROWS]

ELAINE:

Barry came back then?

MRS. TEMBE:

In columns of pros and cons this will have been one of my big pros… my

attention to detail…

[ELAINE‟S QUESTION REGISTERS. MRS. TEMBE

LOOKS AT THE SPOT AND GASPS]

MRS. TEMBE:

Nooooo!

[ON MRS. TEMBE‟S HORROR]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

36


IMOGEN, JOSEPH, REV STANHOPE, BARRY,

[JOSEPH HASN‟T MOVED]

BARRY: (OOV)

(TONY-BLACKBURN-ESQUE) We‟re about to make our first Christmas

wish come true for one patient on Albany ward…

[JOSEPH‟S EYES SHOOT OPEN AS BARRY ENTERS

WITH A MICROPHONE FOLLOWED BY REV

STANHOPE]

BARRY:

Joseph Manning… your wish was to go and see the Christmas lights…

JOSEPH:

(EXCITED) Yes!

BARRY:

We‟ve brought the lights to you…

[IMOGEN JUMPS INTO THE ROOM DECKED OUT AS

A WALKING CHRISTMAS TREE COMPLETE WITH

LIGHTS. THE REVEREND LOOKS ON FONDLY]

IMOGEN:

Merry Christmas Joseph!

[BARRY APPROACHES JOSEPH WITH THE MIC]

BARRY:

Word for our listeners Joseph? Wish come true or what?

JOSEPH:

That‟s not what I wished for. That‟s rubbish.

[ALL SMILES FADE]

BARRY:

Oh, erm, right… Trudy back in the studio can you spin the next disc

please?

[GREG LAKE – “I BELIEVE IN FATHER CHRISTMAS”.

ON JOSEPH‟S DISAPPOINTMENT]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

37

EP160/SC23. INT. HESTON’S HOUSE. LOUNGE. DAY. 15:10

HESTON, MARINA

[MARINA IS FIDDLING WITH A FAULTY INDOOR

SNOW MACHINE – A SURPRISE FOR HESTON –

WHEN HE APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY]

HESTON:

Luncheon is served. What‟s that?

MARINA:

(GIVING IT A KICK) Stupid machine – it‟s kaput. I thought you were

popping out?

HESTON:

Popped out popped back – hungry?

MARINA:

Starving.

HESTON:

Good. (PROUDLY) Failed on the metal plates but…

MARINA:

You didn‟t?!

[HESTON GRINS. THEY EXIT. THE SNOW MACHINE

WHIRS A RED LIGHT BLINKS. NO SNOW]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

38


HESTON, MARINA

[THE TABLE IS SET. MARINA HURRIES IN, EYES

WIDENING IN DELIGHT]

MARINA:

You did!

[MARINA GIVES HESTON A SMACKEROONIE OF A

KISS THEN SCOOPS A FORKFUL OF MACARONI

CHEESE WHILST STILL STANDING. SHE GOES INTO

RAPTURES. HESTON IS DELIGHTED. SHE SCOOPS A

SECOND AND FEEDS HESTON]

MARINA:

It‟s good isn‟t it?

[HESTON MAKES A BIT OF A FACE AS HE FORCES

HIMSELF TO SWALLOW AND MAKE “YUM”

SOUNDS]

MARINA:

(PLAYFULLY WARNING) Heston…

HESTON:

It‟s not my favourite.

[MARINA SMILES A THANKS-FOR-BEING-HONEST -

FOR-ME SMILE]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

39

EP160/SC25. EXT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. CAR PARK.

NIGHT. 16:00

[NIGHT ESTABLISHING SHOT]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

40

EP160/SC26. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. STAFF ROOM.

NIGHT. 16:05

MRS. TEMBE, ROB, ELAINE

[MRS. TEMBE IS MILDLY HYSTERICAL]

ROB:

Have you any idea how much money we‟re talking about?

MRS. TEMBE:

Many, many pounds.

ELAINE:

What kind of person steals from sick children?

ROB:

You‟d be surprised.

MRS. TEMBE:

You have to catch them Sgt. Hollins… please – it is all my fault…

ELAINE:

(KINDLY) Drink your tea…

[THE LIGHTS FLICKER]

ROB:

What‟s going on?

ELAINE:

It‟s been happening all day.

[THERE IS A LOUD BANG, A BLUE FLASH FROM

NEAR THE KETTLE AND THE LIGHTS GO OUT. MRS.

TEMBE MAKES A WAILING SOUND. ROB,

EMBARRASSED, STARTS BACKING OUT]

ROB:

I‟ll see if I can find the fuse box…

[ELAINE NODS AT HIM AND RUBS MRS. TEMBE‟S

BACK]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

41

EP160/SC27. INT. DANIEL’S HOUSE. GARAGE. NIGHT. 16:30

ZARA, DANIEL, CHERRY, JIMMI

[CHERRY‟S BENT OVER A HUGE BOX. DANIEL HAS

A SUITCASE ON THE CAR BONNET]

CHERRY:

(DISAPPOINTED) So we‟ve got…a food processor, some vinyl albums

and (PULLING THEM OUT) salopettes?

[ZARA LOOKS UNIMPRESSED. SHE STEPS

TOWARDS DANIEL AS HE‟S FLICKING THE CASE

OPEN]

ZARA:

(HOPEFUL) Tell me it‟s my bathrobe and my soaking potions...

[ZARA‟S SMILE FADES AS SHE LIFTS OUT PRE-

PREGNANCY SKIRT]

ZARA:

Work clothes Daniel? Pre-pregnant work clothes?

CHERRY:

(TO DANIEL) You couldn‟t pack a bag of shopping. Where‟s the TV?

DANIEL:

Thought it was here somewhere…

JIMMI:

Let‟s keep looking…

ZARA:

(SPYING RUPRECT / TO DANIEL) I see something that‟ll make me

happy.

DANIEL:

(RELIEVED) You do?

ZARA:

Yes. Something of yours that‟s clearly more precious than my bathrobe.

DANIEL:

Not Ruprect?

[WE DON‟T SEE WHAT ZARA‟S LOOKING AT OR

WHAT RUPRECT IS]


31 AUGUST 2011

42

ZARA:

I’m going to make me really, really happy.

[ON APPREHENSIVE DANIEL]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

43


NIGHT. 16:35

KEVIN, ELAINE, MRS. TEMBE

NSE PATIENTS, NURSE

[LIT BY CANDLES. MRS. TEMBE HAS BECOME A

COMPLETE FLAKE. KEVIN ENDS A MOBILE CALL]

KEVIN:

Everybody. Everybody. State of play. There‟s a problem with a main

underground cable. All our systems are down and they won‟t be back up

anytime soon.

[GENERAL MOANING OF WHICH MRS. TEMBE‟S IS

THE MOST PROMINENT. ELAINE ADDRESSES THE

PATIENTS]

ELAINE:

However our receptionist at The Campus Surgery has assured me that

anyone who needs to see a doctor urgently this afternoon will be seen over

there.

MRS. TEMBE:

(SELF-PITYING) The time has come to face the music…

[PATIENTS‟ MOANING CONTINUES]

KEVIN:

Hey come on… people! It‟s Crimbo!

[KEVIN‟S IS THE ONLY SMILE]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

44

EP160/SC29. INT. DANIEL’S HOUSE. GARAGE. NIGHT. 16:40


[RUPRECT (A CHINA DOG) IS TO BE SACRIFICED.

ZARA HAS A PROPER MALLET, WHICH SHE TAPS

INTO HER PALM MENACINGLY]

ZARA:

See, where I went wrong this morning… didn‟t have the right tools for the

job.

JIMMI:

Daniel loves Ruprect…

[CHERRY‟S SILENT BECAUSE SHE SECRETLY

APPROVES]

DANIEL:

(PLEADING) How is this going to make you happy?

ZARA:

By allowing me to strike a blow for good taste…

[ZARA BRINGS THE MALLET CRASHING DOWN ON

RUPRECT.

DANIEL LOOKS BEREFT]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

45

EP160/SC30. INT. ST. PHIL’S HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR.

NIGHT. 16:45

IMOGEN, BARRY, REV STANHOPE

[IMOGEN‟S NOT A TREE. BARRY‟S HOLDING HER

BELL HAT]

REV STANHOPE:

We are circumventing health and safety regulations…

BARRY:

We are that – you might want to have a word with your boss upstairs.

[THE REV NODS]

IMOGEN:

You do your bit Barry… we‟ll do ours.

[BARRY AND IMOGEN BUMP FISTS. THE REV JOINS

IN AWKWARDLY]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

46


NIGHT. 16:55

MRS. TEMBE, ROB, JULIA, KAREN, KEVIN, FREYA, ELAINE

NSE PATIENTS

[MAYHEM. THE FINAL PATIENTS CRAM THROUGH

THE DOOR.

INTERMITTENT LOUD, UNEXPLAINED HAMMERING

FROM OUTSIDE. ELAINE WAVES TO KAREN FROM

THE LARGE CONSULTING ROOM.

KAREN AND FREYA NOW WEAR THEIR CRACKER

HATS]

KAREN:

Delia Smith?

[A FATHER WITH HIS DAUGHTER GET UP]

KAREN:

Dr. Cassidy‟s ready for you.

[THEY SQUEEZE THROUGH THE CROWD. JULIA

STANDS BEHIND KAREN AND MRS. TEMBE,

LISTENING UNNOTICED]

KAREN:

(TO MRS. TEMBE) Delia Smith… (TO MRS. TEMBE‟S NON-

RESPONSIVE GLUMNESS) Oh come on… Delia Smith… Christmas?

MRS. TEMBE:

I was too pride full and I did nothing to forestall the electricity crisis…

KAREN:

Nobody‟s psychic.

MRS. TEMBE:

I did not guard the money entrusted to me. I deserved to land on the head of

the snake…

JULIA:

Yup – you pretty much did.

MRS. TEMBE:

(WITHERING) And now I slide down, down, down…


31 AUGUST 2011

47

[UNMOVED, JULIA EXITS. FREYA EXITS THE STAFF

ROOM WITH A PATIENT. ROB ENTERS, KEVIN IS

BEHIND HIM]

FREYA:

The trouble with seeing patients in the staff room is they seem to expect tea

and a biscuit.

KAREN:

Maybe we should do a few mince pies. (SPYING ROB) Hello love. Any

news?

ROB:

(HOLDING THE SMASHED AND EMPTY TIN) Not good I‟m afraid.

What we call in the trade complete and utter scum.

MRS. TEMBE:

The money is gone?

KEVIN:

Scum‟s right – let‟s hope their turkey‟s not defrosted properly and they

spend Boxing Day on the bog.

FREYA:

Good will to all men eh Kev?

MRS. TEMBE:

Will it be possible to harvest some DNA?

[ROB‟S FACE]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

48

EP160/SC32. INT. DANIEL’S HOUSE. LOUNGE. NIGHT. 17:00

DANIEL, ZARA, CHERRY, JIMMI

[ZARA AND DANIEL ENTER AND SIT SEPARATELY

FROM JIMMI AND CHERRY, WHO ENJOY FIDDLING

WITH AN OLD BLACK AND WHITE TV AND VHS

PLAYER]

DANIEL:

(TO ZARA / QUIETLY) Happy now?

ZARA:

I am never going to be happy here.

[GO TO TEAM CHIMMI]

JIMMI:

(TO DANIEL) Found this in the attic. It‟s not a fifty inch plasma but…

[HE PUSHES IN THE TAPE AND GETS ONLY “SNOW”]

CHERRY:

Tape snagged?

JIMMI:

Maybe.

[GO TO DANIEL AND ZARA]

DANIEL:

I believed you when you said you‟d try. I must be insane.

ZARA:

(GETTING UP) You said it.

[DANIEL LOOKS AT HER AS IF HE‟S REALLY GOING

OFF HER – SHE SEES THIS]

ZARA:

Yeah go on… make me the villain of the piece. The list of things I hate

about this Christmas just keeps on growing.

[GO TO CHERRY AND JIMMI. TO THEIR DELIGHT

THE TELEVISION SUDDENLY WORKS – IT‟S NEAR

THE END OF “IT‟S A WONDERFUL LIFE”. WE DON‟T

SEE IT, BUT HEAR JIMMY STEWART AND CO

SINGING „AULD LANG SYNE.‟


31 AUGUST 2011

49

THEY SIMULTANEOUSLY PLONK DOWN ON THE

SOFA]

CHERRY:

Yay! I love this bit.

[AS THE SINGING CONTINUES ZARA LOOKS

REPULSED – SHE HATES THIS FILM. SHE GOES

AND STANDS IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION AND

EJECTS THE TAPE WHICH CATCHES IN THE PLAYER.

SHE TUGS IT. IT COMES OUT LIKE A CLOUD. THE

OTHERS ARE HORRIFIED]

ZARA:

Doesn‟t it make you want to puke? “Every time a bell rings”? I loathe

Jimmy-bloody-Stewart. Pasty-faced, whinging pillock. He should have

topped himself. (PULLING MORE TAPE) Trust you two to like this tripe.

I should‟ve… (guessed)

[ZARA GASPS, STOPPED IN HER TRACKS BY THE

VISIBLE-TO-HER KICK. SHE DROPS THE TAPE AND

STARES AT HER BUMP]

ZARA:

Did you see that? Again! What was that?

[THEY RUSH TO HER, AMAZED.

DANIEL PUTS BOTH HANDS ON HER BUMP. HIS

HAND GETS VISIBLY KICKED]

DANIEL:

A leg? An elbow?

[CHERRY‟S FIZZING WITH EXCITEMENT]

CHERRY:

May I?

[ZARA BEAMS HER FIRST SMILE OF THE DAY AND

NODS. ALL HANDS ON BUMP]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

50


NIGHT. 17:30

MRS. TEMBE, JULIA, KAREN, KEVIN, FREYA, BARRY

NSE PATIENTS

[FEWER PEOPLE. BARRY ENTERS WEARING

IMOGEN‟S BELL HAT AS JULIA EMERGES FROM THE

STAFF ROOM. MRS. TEMBE TRIES TO SPEAK TO

HIM BUT CAN ONLY MANAGE A SQUEAK]

BARRY:

Don‟t say nothing Mrs. Tembe. I heard. Ent your fault. (ADDRESSING

JULIA) Julia Parsons… you might still have a face like a smacked

backside…

JULIA:

(UNIMPRESSED / HUFFY) Thanks for that Barry.

[KAREN STIFLES A GUFFAW]

BARRY:

(GESTURING LIKE A CROSSING LADY) But if you‟d all like to follow

me….

[JULIA‟S STILL NOT HAPPY. THEY START FILING

OUT]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

51

EP160/SC34. EXT. THE CAMPUS SURGERY. NIGHT. 17:32

MRS. TEMBE, JULIA, KEVIN, KAREN, ELAINE, FREYA,

IMOGEN, ROB, BARRY, REV. STANHOPE, JOSEPH

NSE PATIENTS

[PIED-PIPER-BARRY LEADS THEM OUTSIDE. ROB,

THE REV, IMOGEN AND JOSEPH ARE WAITING BY

ROB‟S POLICE CAR. THE BLUE LIGHTS TURNING.

JOSEPH STAYS WITH ROB AS BARRY, IMOGEN AND

THE REV DIRECT THE CROWD TO VANTAGE

POINTS]

BARRY:

This is for Joseph – sorry about before mate – and you (TURNING TO

JULIA) turn that frown upside down Julia Parsons… it‟s for you too. Are

we ready?

JOSEPH:

Ready! Ready!

[NODS FROM BARRY TO ROB WHO TURNS THE

BLUE LIGHTS OFF. BARRY HITS A REMOTE SWITCH

AND CHRISTMAS LIGHTS – SO BRIGHT THEY

COULD BE SEEN FROM SPACE – FLASH ON. THERE

ARE GASPS]

JOSEPH:

It‟s my Christmas wish!

KEVIN:

I love Crimbo me. (TAKING SEVERAL TENNERS OUT OF HIS

WALLET) Here Mrs. Tembe – you take that. Make up for what was

nicked.

[ELAINE AND FREYA ALSO PULL OUT NOTES]

ELAINE:

I told you I‟d get to the cashpoint.

FREYA:

I‟ve been meaning to give you this…

MRS. TEMBE:

(HOLDING THE FISTFUL OF MONEY) Truly… a Christmas miracle.

KEVIN:

(PUTTING HIS HAND TO HIS EAR, NODDING AND SMILING) Mrs.

Tembe… is that a carol I hear?


31 AUGUST 2011

52

[MRS. TEMBE BEGINS HER A CAPPELLA VERSION OF

“O HOLY NIGHT”. KEVIN HOLDS A LUSH BIT OF

MISTLETOE UP FOR FREYA WHO PUNCHES HIM

PLAYFULLY]

BARRY:

(HOPEFULLY WAGGLING A MANKY BIT OF MISTLETOE) Julia…?

JULIA:

A face like a smacked backside?

[BARRY LOOKS TORTURED UNTIL JULIA TAPS HER

CHEEK AND HER THUNDEROUS EXPRESSION

EXPLODES INTO A SMILE. BARRY PLANTS A

SMACKER ON HER CHEEK]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

53

EP160/SC35. INT. HESTON’S HOUSE. LOUNGE. NIGHT. 17:33

HESTON, MARINA, MRS. TEMBE (OOV)

[“O HOLY NIGHT” CONTINUES.

THE SNOW MACHINE HISSES IMPOTENTLY AS

HESTON, WITH AN ILL-ADVISED GLASS OF RED IN

ONE HAND TOPS THE TREE OFF WITH THE

SNOWFLAKE. HE‟S HOLDING MARINA‟S PRECIOUS

BAUBLE BY ITS HANGER BETWEEN HIS TEETH. HE

DROPS IT. IT FALLS IN SLOW MOTION. HE MAKES A

GRAB FOR IT AND MISSES. IT MIRACULOUSLY

LANDS, UNDAMAGED, WITH A BOUNCE ON THE

CARPET. PHEW!

HESTON BREATHES, STEPS DOWN, MISJUDGES AND

CRUSHES THE BAUBLE UNDERFOOT.

INSTINCTIVELY, HE HOPS BACK UP ONTO THE

STEPS]

HESTON:

(FLUSTERED / DISTRAUGHT) Oh no… please no.

[MARINA HAS JUST ARRIVED IN THE DOORWAY.

UNAWARE OF HER HESTON CALLS…]

HESTON:

Marina! Something terrible… (has happened)

[MARINA‟S FACE IS A MASK OF FURY. BEFORE HIS

WORDS ARE OUT SHE‟S LAUNCHING HERSELF AT

HIM AND SHOVING THE STEPS. HESTON TEETERS,

MADLY CIRCLING HIS ARMS. MARINA‟S

EXPRESSION DOESN‟T CHANGE. WE HEAR THE

THUD OF HESTON LANDING AND SEE THE STEPS

FALL THE OTHER WAY ONTO THE SNOW MACHINE]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

54

EP160/SC36. INT. DANIEL’S HOUSE. LOUNGE. NIGHT. 17:35

ZARA, DANIEL, CHERRY, JIMMI

[MUSIC CONTINUES.

CANDLES AND FAIRY LIGHTS. DANIEL AND ZARA

SIT TOGETHER WITH ZARA SMILING AND DANIEL‟S

HANDS ACROSS HER STOMACH. JIMMI AND

CHERRY SIT ON THE FLOOR AT THEIR FEET. IT‟S A

NATIVITY TABLEAU]

CUT TO:


31 AUGUST 2011

55

EP160/SC37. INT. HESTON’S HOUSE. LOUNGE. NIGHT. 17:36

HESTON

[MUSIC CONTINUES.

REVEAL HESTON LYING UNCONSCIOUS AND

BLEEDING. HE‟S HIT HIS HEAD AND GASHED IT ON

THE CAST IRON TREE STAND. GLASS FROM THE

BAUBLE AND MORE BREAKAGE HAS DRAWN

BLOOD TOO THAT MINGLES WITH SPILT WINE.

A LIGHT ON THE SNOW MACHINE GOES FROM RED

TO GREEN. SNOW BEGINS TO FALL AND SETTLES

ON HESTON.

SERIAL HOOK: OUT ON HESTON, MOTIONLESS]

END OF EPISODE.

EP160/SC1. EXT. ST. PHIL’S. DAY. 08:05 MRS. TEMBE NSE...

Documents

Transcript of EP160/SC1. EXT. ST. PHIL’S. DAY. 08:05 MRS. TEMBE NSE...